#Alan Dąbrowski

[cuntinternational]

credit: Alan Dąbrowski

[edoubt]

emerging

Here are some ways the Universe appears to be "talking" directly to me. i have no memory that is conscious about exactly when Katie Mottram's book _Mend the Gap_ first came to my attention. But sometime (in mid 2018, possibly quite a bit earlier) i must have read something on-line that caught my attention and caused me to add it to my "to-get" list of books that is ever lengthening (but i still manage to chip away at (enjoying the hell out of the process of reading about all sorts of interesting (to me) topics) over time). In late November or early December of 2018, my adult kids shared their Xmas lists with their aunt, uncle, my wife Michelle, each other and me. For reasons i still don't understand, i chose to jump in and interject my own "request" for a handful of books that i selected from my 'list' that i desired to possess. _Mend the Gap_ was among the half dozen or so that i submitted to my close family members at that time. Presents are opened Xmas eve (traditionally in my wife's family) at my parents' in law's place, just a few miles from our own home. This year was no different. Upon opening presents, i discovered that my sister in law Anna, her husband and my neice had gifted me _Mend the Gap_ and as i read the covers and promotional material on the first few pages while everyone was continuing to open presents, i became greatly excited. You see, i had had my own history of mental health issues, seemingly "started" by my mother's death in a car crash, which happened in April of 2009 (on a Thursday). As the rest of 2009 wore on, i became more and more dissassociated from consensual reality. Until now, i had thought that this was a road to delusional thinking. But what i experienced at that time felt more real than anything i had previously ever experienced in my life, though in hindsight at least some of what i thought and believed was in fact truly delusional. In late November of that year, things came to a head following 4 days during which i only managed to get a total of 2 hours of sleep or so (and prior to that i was also sleeping infrequently as insomnia became a bigger and bigger issue for me). At some later point, i may share more details about my story and all of my "delusions" but for right now, the main point is that i ended up in the hospital (my ride there taking place handcuffed to a gurney of an ambulance, a truly surreal experience for me, as it felt like i was in a movie when i 'woke up' and looked up at the ambulance personnel and a state police officer all trying to prevent me from hurting myself further (i had been 'medicated' at home in my bed after my father in law talked me into dropping the electric bass i was holding at the time to block the view out the window where i'd placed a computer in my back yard near a fallen tree -- i was under the impression at that time that the Universe was in danger and that without my active engagement and participation, everything would end up in an even more terrible mess than things seemed to be heading towards already -- as a result i had broken out my bedroom window and climbed in and out of it several times (cutting my left elbow pretty severely))).

In 2011 a young relative of mine, Joseph Alan Kennedy, was killed in combat in Helmand Province Afghanistan. i felt tremendously guilty because prior to that time, his mother (my cousin in law on my mother's side of my family) had asked everyone to pray for Joe and i hadn't (except for the fall of 2009, i've been an avowed atheist/agnostic my entire adult life). That event, combined with some other life circumstances, had me very close to 'falling down the rabbit hole' of insanity again. Thanks to the psychiatrist, Dr. Laurence Schweitzer, who'd been on call at the hospital where i was transported in November of 2009, and with whom i'd begun to develop a trusting relationship under his subsequent care, i managed to get through the spring of 2011 and following summer without another hospitalization. Nevertheless i felt in extreme distress and needed heavy medication to get through that period of time -- both anti-psychotics and sleeping aids.

In December of 2013, i had cut down my antipsychotic dose to a miniscule level. Dr. Schweitzer advised me at the time to just stop taking this medicine (haloperidol) completely. And so that's what i did. And i managed without it for several months. But in the spring of 2014, i disregarded Dr. Schweitzer's advice to not engage further with my grief over my dead mother. Which led to another psychotic break in early June immediately following a week-long work trip to Cleveland OH during which i swam in Lake Erie every morning. i ended up as an inpatient at the Four Winds facility in Katonah NY for three days right after my 49th birthday.

i no longer believe i'm in danger of another psychotic break. i don't hear voices, but especially over the last week following my reading of _Mend the Gap_ i have a stong feeling that everything happens "as it is supposed to". i don't know for sure what the future will bring, but i'm pretty sure that i will end up a more spiritual being than i ever would have imagined was possible. i have a stong affinity for science, which has not diminished, but i find myself now believing that there is a lot that science doesn't yet explain.

i have recently had Kazimierz Dąbrowski's theory of positive disintegration brought to my attention and have read a bit about it just in the past month or so. i'm not sure exactly where i'm at with regard to this paradigm, but my suspicion is that i'm either experiencing multi-level disintegration, or perhaps even beginning secondary integration. There are other possible "names" for this transformational process: Stanislov Grof referred to it as spriritual emergence; others might label it a Kundalini awakening. Whatever the nature of my transition, it is incredibly profound.

i care deeply about humanity and the planet and the current trajectory we 7 billion + are on scares the hell out of me. i'm not sure how any truly sane person can cope with the existential threats posed by environmental and ecological destruction, and the awfulness of various political strife between different nations, factions and other groupings of persons.

Saving the planet and honoring the Universe fully is imperative. i frankly don't have a clue how to solve such an enormous problem in terms of the specific details. But thanks to Katie Mottram, Eben Alexander IV, Karen Newell and a large number of other authors i've read and also to the many loving friends i've had and the processing/thinking we've done together, i'm convinced that the best way to proceed is to find like-minded folk and combine our energies in order to try to accomplish what seems ultimately to be an impossible task from where i sit near the east coast of the north american continent on Spaceship Earth.

Contradiction is inherent. Practically everywhere. In _Active Hope: How to Face the Mess We're in without Going Crazy_, Joanna Macy & Chris Johnstone advocate adopting the 'hero's journey' paradigm for one's own life, while in _Small Arcs of Larger Circles: framing through other patterns_ Nora Bateson makes a compelling case that 'leadership' is an idea whose time has come and gone due to what we understand about how much everything and everyone is interrelated. While these two thoughts are seemingly at odds with each other, the fact is that they are (at least as i see it) completely reconcilable. Heroes of story, fable and myth all have one thing in common: none of them accomplished their initially seemingly insurmountable goals alone. Universally they assembled bands of varying sizes to aid them in their quest. Bateson makes the point that every famous 'leader' from history or the present was and is not an island, but rather came to be the person they matured into due to the influences of some combination of their communities, families, upbringing, peers, environment and the world itself.

Even the very concept of hope itself is fraught with contradictions. Charlotte Joko Beck, in her book _Everyday Zen_ makes a strong case for "discarding hope" and doing without it completely. And yet Macy and Johnstone put the word in the title of their book on coping. i think the key is the modifier "active" they preceded it with. Passive hope is nothing to strive for or try to use in any way. But by *activating* hope we can overrule Joko Beck's advice, creating a useful tool in the process.

When i was five years old, my parents moved our family from New York City up into the Catskill Mountains of upstate New York. Our nearest real neighbor was more than a mile away from my house, and so i spent a tremendous amount of my childhood out in nature, often accompanied by my beloved viszla Czela. Exploring and fishing and living on a farm, helping out with chores as i got older and being in the woods every fall with the adults for white-tail deer hunting season gave me a lasting understanding of the natural order and interlocking cycles of life. When i was slightly older i became involved in scouting and went on camping trips regularly at all times of the year. i came to appreciate the power and majesty of the seasons as especially winter in these latitudes can be a thoroughly awesome and humbling force. For several years in a row, i also spent a full month each August at Camp Merrowvista in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, where i further developed my love of and connection with nature and wilderness.

During my adult life i gradually fell out of the habit of escaping back into the wilderness. Though in recent years as i've struggled with my mental health, i've been drawn back to nature and have done more hiking, paddling and swimming out under the open skies, which has proved to be as much of a healing force as anything else.

On the morning of the final day of 2018, i was up ridiculously early sitting beside a roaring oak fire i'd made in my back yard. While it was still dark, i set off for the trailhead right where the road closes for the winter which provides access on the "back side" up in the hills between Bear and Race Mountains. i left my vehicle just at first light and while the ground was clear down in the valley and at my home, the surface of the earth was covered with snow up there at elevation. Descending down into Sage's Ravine proper, which is one of my favorite spots on the planet, a wonderful section of the marvelous Appalachian Trail, i found myself profoundly touched by the almost overwhelming beauty around me. The environment spoke directly to my soul and provided me with a calm that was previously inaccessible. As i listened to the Universe talk through the trees, rocks, rushing water, moss, snow and even my own being, i had the sudden realization that my previous bouts with manic states had become part of my past and would no longer intrude on my future. i could feel and almost catch glimpses of entities in amongst the forest and stream. i didn't and still don't completely understand what i experienced, but i see it as an important milestone on my journey to becoming a more stable, able and authentic person. My soul feels day by day that it's getting more and more in tune with the Universe as my purpose here on this planet becomes clearer and clearer. It's still a struggle dealing with so much more unfiltered input with regard to my newly opened perceptions, but i have faith that i'll gradually become more accustomed to the full force of true reality making itself directly available to me in this way.

i've always been drawn to music. Once upon a time i was a competent trumpet player. And nowadays (just in order to amuse, calm and please only myself) i sometimes noodle around on a bass guitar. But the music of others really speaks to me. i can hear and feel the Universe giving me explicit advice through song lyrics:

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose i gotta be cool, relax None but ourselves can free our minds

The timing of when i hear specific songs has been directing me with advice that seems so obviously tailored to my internal state at that particular time. It's hard to explain, but it's very real and resonant, and gives me confidence that the Universe is actually explicitly guiding me. With love and compassion towards a better instantiation of myself. Even melody, harmony and rhythm speak directly to my soul and i think always have. It's an experience that i'm not really able to explain properly with prose, though none the less real for that.

Let's make this world a better place together.

While the name(s) below that i'm signing these thoughts with are as real for me as any i've ever used, i'm choosing not to put the names that were given me by my parents here. I'm absolutely interested in making contact with any and all of you who've ever wondered if there isn't more that could be done to improve the fate of humanity, the environment, the planet and the Universe. Send me an email at ernstdoubt25@gmail.com or contact me via instagram where i use the handle calloquillick

  namaste, and endless love to all,       ~earnest 'bearfoot' doubt