#Agony aunt Haitch

[pseudowho]

Hello Ms Haitch,

I’m 26 years old and have never been in a relationship before. I have been in love and have gone out with guys before, but they’ve never progressed into us dating and becoming official, most often resulting in me heartbroken and ending up in terrible situationships that cause more grief than anyone can imagine. I even completely stopped looking for love these past two years, to give me time to grow into myself and know who I am and what I want from life.

All my friends and everyone else in my life don’t seem to have a problem with finding love or commitment, and deep inside, it kills me to know that they have the companionship that I yearn for. And approaching my late 20s when almost all my close friends have plans of starting families with their partners, I just can’t help but feel disheartened at what feels like my fate to be the designated single friend who would eventually have to settle for a reality I don’t want. But more often than not, even when I am comfortable with my singlehood, my closest friends push me to find a man and that makes me feel even more hopeless (especially with news of engagement parties and potential wedding dates entering my planner). Often in my lowest moments, I wonder if it is my looks or my personality that just icks people off.

I have put myself out in the dating world and have done everything from going to different clubs and events to find people that share my interests, to being set up by my friends. Heck, I even moved across the country for my job and still have no luck with a new and different crowd.

Do you have any advice on how to cope with being the leftover friend, because frankly, I don’t have it in me to hear another “your person is out there waiting for you!” or “you just have to put yourself out there!”

Thank you,

Anon

Hi!

I'm only sorry to say that while I haven't been in your position, I ache to hear it, and I'm sorry you're suffering such loneliness, and fear of the future. One of my closest friends is 37, and has been through much the same as you for quite some years, and struggles with the same. I shall advise you as I advise her.

I think you need to view this through a practical lens, as well as an emotional one. You know how you feel about this emotionally, and have verbalised it well; you're worried about not having this theoretical life partner for you, but also worried about how you are being perceived. In this vein, you are already spiralling down writing yourself off as (amongst others): unattractive, in possession of a bad personality, and leftover.

So, let's look at the practicality: the hard honest truths, the catastrophism, and the futures unknown. You ultimately don't know if you will meet your person tomorrow, in a week, in a year, or ten, or never ever. You need to accept, as a truth, that you absolutely must know and like yourself whether you are going to meet your person, or not.

The truth? You cannot place all of your hopes of happiness on a potential future that you know nothing of whether it will happen or not. Or, you can, but risk misery in the unknown intervening years. Your boat is going through this sea, and you need to be the one true constant. If you are waiting for happiness, or belonging, to happen, based on a theoretical maybe person, there is a chance you will be unhappy your whole life.

I'm a real 'plan for the worst, so if that happens I am prepared, but if anything better happens, it's a bonus' kind of girl. If you do meet your person, do you want to meet them in this state where you dislike yourself? Do you want to meet someone who may not be right for you, but for whom you lower your standards because your greatest fear is of being 'left behind'? Or do you want to meet either of these people as someone who has embraced either path that their life may take?

This sounds like such a write off. It will always feel that way, because you're clawing for an answer that nobody can honestly give you. Most people give you those 'life laugh love' recycled phrases, because they're uncomfortable confronting the truth; that you're unhappy, and lonely, and struggling, and I'm sure at points envious, and they don't know how to help you with it.

So in truth: I cannot help you with this, and I know that. I can only try to help you build the infrastructure you need to help you to weather the storm. I wish I could crystal-ball this for you; I'm sure if you knew, hands down, what your future held, it would be easier to cope with whatever is to come.

I wish I could give you something more concrete.

Tl;dr: You are not leftover. You are not food to be consumed or wasted. Whatever path your future takes, you can seize control, and choose to approach it with your head held high, or with the belief that you are worth nothing.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

I love that women are coming here as a safe space to ask for advice and that YOU are providing us with that. Seriously, you're awesome

It feels like an extension of my work and beliefs and personality, and extreme wish to help people, so y'know what, I embrace this duty in life.

Happy to help,

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Hi! Thank you for always giving us real advice (and damn good advice may i say lol) i was wondering if you had any tips on "sharpening" or honing intuition as a woman?

Oh man! Thank you so much. I really do try to view it holistically, with the love you all deserve.

Okay, so...honing one's intuition, as a woman. Let's start with the basics.

Recognise that in your foundations, built in, are fragments of misogyny and patriarchal expectation. The very fundamental idea of what a woman is, has been grilled into you from birth. Most of it you will take as absolute fact, an unwritten rule.

This is for two main reasons, I feel: 1. It's been told or demonstrated to you by people you trust, and 2. A lot of it is perpetuated or enacted by the women around you. This is hard, because even if you don't trust me to teach you things in your favour, you likely expect the women to. Once you realise that they, too, have been victim to this insidious early indoctrination, you'll realise it's simply a hereditary disease.

Then: Look at the history of the women's rights movements, especially since the 80s, and the subsequent clapback of the 'men's rights movements'. Understand that any pitiful cries that men make about how 'women's rights have gotten out of hand' and how 'men are on the back foot now', are simply because men have always had the upper hand, and societally, men don't like that the battlefield is evening out.

Recognise that 'misandry' as a term, was brought into common usage from the 80s, by these men who viewed female attempts at equality, as attempts by women to be SUPERIOR to men.

Look into all of this. I know it sounds mental, but as snippets to make your brain whirrrr, there are an awful lot of very interesting insights and quotes around on Pinterest of all places. It will make you realise how insidiously your insight and instincts have been crushed from an early age.

Now, I'm not necessarily trying to make this a 'man VS woman' thing; but when we talk about honing your intuition specifically as a woman, we must recognise the foundations on which our intuition has been informed by the patriarchal society in which we live.

Okay! Now we have the foundations, so...be be suspicious. Question everything. If your intuition ever gives you a thread of doubt, look into it harder. Look for people's intentions. Look for the people who aren't deliberately cruel., but who thoughtlessly enact cruelty because they think it's 'the norm'.

Read more. Read wider. Don't automatically accept anything as true; think critically. You are less likely to be taken advantage of if you know a bit about everything.

Listen to your gut instinct, but critically analyse that too. If something doesn't feel right, get the hell out of dodge, but then reflect on your feelings and decisions after.

Don't lower your fucking standards. Don't you dare. Don't lower them.

Move out from the shadows of people who attempt to control you.

Make sure you have, if possible, a career and home and money of your own. It is power. It lowers the chances of someone trying to take advantage of you, and muffle your intuition.

Find people who listen and encourage but do not control.

Trust yourself, most of all. Your intuition would be different to my intuition.

Be knowledgeable, brave, bold, speak out, and if you struggle to speak out, protect and be subversive.

Know that this world has not been build for women to be intuitive; look at the proportion of women in high-ranked and STEM careers. But, in developed countries, from a young age girls typically outperform boys academically. Other studies show that men are much more likely to overestimate their skills and knowledge, while women are more likely to underestimate their own.

This world has been built seeing women as a threat, and systematically shattering their confidence and their instincts and their intuition, so they remain passive, and unthreatening, and submissive.

So...fight back. Once you are this knowledgeable, bold, confident woman, suddenly you'll see just how powerful your intuition really is.

Phew!

That's the best I can give.

Holding your hand across the divide.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Advice on what to do as a person who never thought she'd live past 15 but somehow made it to 18 please?

You are still in the mindset that you should not be alive, and as such are paralysed in stasis, and struggling to move forwards. Forgive yourself, please, and don't view anything you've done as wasted years or dead years. Just foundations to fix up and build on.

First, accept that you were wrong; incorrect; you must have made an error, because here you are, alive.

Second, don't focus on your age as a number, and comparing yourself to what other 'normal' people are doing at your age. Everyone says this, but I absolutely fucking mean it. If you keep seeing yourself as 'behind', you will panic, get stuck and never get anywhere.

Third, number aside, what things do you want to have by the time you're a 'real' adult; i.e. if you pictured yourself happy and fulfilled, what does that picture look like? How do you feel? Is it something career based, or relationship based, or travel based, or...? So many options! It would be great to have an idea of what living happily (and without any latent thought that you shouldn't be here) looks like.

Fourth...little by little, make plans. Set goals. Work towards them. Ride out the good days with the bad, and seek to understand and contextualise yourself really honestly. This means confronting your flaws and traumas and strengths and achievements and everything. Know yourself. Reflect upon yourself. It will help you choose the things and people you surround yourself with more judiciously.

It's not hopeless. Between you and me (and my followers who have read this far), at many points I didn't think I'd make it past my early childhood.

I did. I am. I viewed myself as a project to be worked on. And I still do.

This is in your hands, and those hands are so very capable.

You've got this, kiddo.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

hiii haitch!! feel free to ignore this ask (sincerely, no pressure on my part) but as an eldest daughter that’s had to mediate tension between parents and their fights (as well as basically having to parent siblings of course) do you have any words of affirmation?? i guess i just wanted to know if it gets better, if finding a partner that doesn’t need you to micromanage everything is possible, etc.

- very exhausted eldest daughter

Oh baby. Relate.

r.e. The mediation thing, I found myself mediating things even when I was away from home, which was hard. Simply getting my own life and distance gradually, gradually reduced this. To be honest, I don't enjoy family drama or seek it out, and I've found myself becoming less and less tolerant of being dragged into things, or accused of things, as I've gotten older. It's such a burden, and all I can say is, if you distance yourself in other ways, then bearing the burden of being the mediator gradually, gradually fades. It's a really heavy thing though and I feel you entirely.

r.e. Finding a partner who you don't have to micromanage; set early, immediate, high standards and don't compromise. Read thoroughly into the 'Mental Load' as a concept, and read thoroughly into how women have been, and continue to be societally manipulated and manipulated by their male partners to bear it. Start a fucking Pinterest board about it. I swear to god, some of the short, concise insights people make about women who are forced to micromanage men, have formed a huge springboard for me to leap off of.

Weaponised incompetence is a thing. I love to use "Oh, okay, so you can do *X task or X job etc* but running the laundry is beyond you? Hanging out clothes neatly and folding neatly is too complex for you? Apparently, women used to not be allowed in the workplace because men were smarter than them, and women belonged at home. So are you saying you're 'stupid', like women at home who do basically every household task better than you? Don't make me laugh, fucking clown."

Once you start to see how respect and love are inherently things that must be together for either one to be true, that is a real golden ticket moment. Does your partner love you? I doubt it, if they don't look at the burdens you're carrying and do everything in their power to equalise it. It's clear they don't respect you. How can they love you if they don't respect you?

If they genuinely don't know how to do these things, I'd offer to teach them once--...and then if they still don't complete it, they're fucking with you. Even if they have ADHD or other processing difficulties that makes them find it harder to do certain things, it's their responsibility to find a way to manage this in a way that doesn't become your burden. I have friends with ADHD, and they create reminders for themselves, ticklists, anything, anything, to help them pull their weight. If a future partner doesn't... it's not a matter of capability, it's a matter of willingness.

Standards. Standards. Standards. Keep them high. Refuse to be gaslighted. Revolt!

Also: you're better alone than with someone who won't complete basic household tasks to keep you.

Ugh. I could scream to the hills about this.

Fight for your rights!

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

If I ever get an Anon/Agony Aunt post, please remember that I absolutely welcome (and I'm sure the Anon does too) others offering their own advice in the comments below. I love the village care element.

HOWEVER: I have had to delete some mean or nasty comments, or simply grotesquely unhelpful/incorrect advice from a few of them.

I do put dividers and CW/TW notes at the start of the Asks where appropriate. If you find it's a topic that triggers you, or you cannot remain impartial or kind for, please don't use the comments box to vent at a stranger asking for help.

☝️ me with mean comments.

If you show yourself as extra mean, I may even block you. May the odds be ever in my favour.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

I’m really sorry to bother you but I need guidance and you’re basically a mother figure.

So basically my brother met a friend when he was in junior high. (I was in 6th at the time he was in 8th). My brother introduced me to him in 2019 because we both had really big hyper fixations on jjk after the manga came out. We talked for the whole time the pandemic and remained close friends till this day. He’s also been really close to my brother recently now that they go to the same uni. So whenever my brother's visiting, he’s also there too. And y’know its always been the “ooo he’s got a new girlfriend” but now its just been increased to my brothers friends from junior high, (for lack of a better term) teasing me about this (and they’ve never even seen me and this guy interact).

So recently he’s been asking me to hang out more without my brother so just one on one time. And has expressed romantic interest in me but I just don’t know if I want to date him because of him being my brother's friend. It’s not even that he’s a bad guy, he’s so sweet and isn’t misogynistic and is great at communicating and just overall an amazing guy. I just don’t know what to do because I don’t know if it would ruin his and my brother's relationship. I’m just worried because I’ve been seeing him a lot with and without my brother and I just don’t know what to do because I really like this guy, It’s just I don’t know how it would affect the people around us.

If you could give your opinion that would be amazing. I just kind of need to get this out to someone. Thank you SO much!!

Ultimately this:

You are not the possession of the men in your family.

If this guy is a good guy, your brother should be thrilled that you've chosen a good guy to be your boyfriend.

If this guy isn't a good guy, then your brother should let you know, but not for selfish reasons (keeping his friend to himself).

Interpersonal relationships are a woven web; it would be odd if anyone in this situation thought that you and this guy being in a relationship, and this guy being your brothers' friend, are mutually exclusive.

Stop diminishing your chances of happiness because you're afraid of how an immature man would react. Because if your brother did react negatively, simply because of misguided possessiveness over a friend or a sister, he is immature.

You and the friend/potential boyfriend should be upfront with your brother, but neither of you owe him anything. Any flash of uncertainty that your brother feels, should be worked through the the maturity expected of a grown man.

I'm not particularly forgiving of others who try to reduce others' chance at happiness simply because they're emotionally immature.

Saying this, you might find your brothers' reaction is absolutely fine. You don't know until you try. Remain calm and diplomatic, without giving in to unreasonable demands.

Also, ignore the dickheads teasing you about it. They're twats too.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Agony Aunt Haitch

Okay, so...enough of you send me posts asking for advice now, that I think I'm going to start collating them here. I can't really believe I'm doing this. I did not intend for this. Laughing.

ADVISORY: I am not a limitless advice pot and nor am I counsellor trained-- if I don't think I have a good answer to give you, I will likely not respond.

Someone asked me, what's your work that has people asking you for advice and opinions?

Succinct Inboxes appreciated.

If anyone would like to weigh in on the advice given, please do so via comments, not further Inboxes.

If you'd like to block these posts, these will be tagged as #Agony Aunt Haitch and my usual Asks will be #Pseudowho Answers You.

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Help! My clingy 'friendzoned' friend keeps touching me, and I don't know how to stop him.

My friend and I are crushing on the same guy...but I lied to preserve the peace. I still like him. What should I do?

[pseudowho]

Hi Haitch!!

How are you? I hope your kids are feeling better from the fever!! I need advice on a situation I'm in. How do you tell a guy that he's being too clingy(?) without hurting his feelings?

I'm currently friends with a guy who used to like me but I friendzoned him so we decided to stay friends. However, he is quite clingy at times online. For eg, he would text me non-stop when I haven't replied to his message or would sometimes touch my shoulders and direct me in the correct direction even though I knew where I was going. There was also a moment where he tried to put his arm around my waist but was unsuccessful since I was carrying a backpack. However, that did not sit right with me. I would admit that I'm a horrible texter(I would reply a few hours after someone messages me), but I did tell him that at the start of our friendship.

Also, ngl, I don't really like it when he touches my shoulders or me since we(more like I) made it clear that we wouldn't be touchy with one and another since it is weird for me since we're not in a relationship(this was happened when I asked him if he liked me) and from my past friendships with guys, they don't really touch their female friends in general. (I'm quite a sheltered kid who doesn't make friends with guys quite often unless my friends introduce me to theirs)

I might be paranoid about his behaviour. I'm not sure, but some things he does just throw me off. I did ask for advice from friends, especially mutual friends who know him, and they said to just cut connections with him. However, I don't want to be mean and do that since he is a nice dude, but sometimes I just dread texting or meeting up with him to study together. I'm not sure if his behaviour is him being clingy or he still likes me(he told me he doesn't anymore) but I'm getting kinda uncomfortable or at least weirded out by his behaviour. I'm really at a loss here. :(

- internally confused anon :°

P.S

I'm sorry for overloading this with you, Haitch! I don't have any older sisters. I could ask for advice on this, and this has been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time now. :(((

You have, at multiple points in this Ask, used misogynistic, woman-blaming language to diminish the ways in which he is ignoring your blatant wish to not pursue a relationship with him.

"Friendzoned". "Without hurting his feelings". "I'm a horrible texter". "Paranoid". "He is a nice dude".

Aside from the longer-term importance of you increasing your self worth, and not continuing to parrot the fundamentally victim-blaming language of the society you have grown up in (not your fault!!), there's one straight answer here.

Stop trying to protect his feelings. He knows exactly what he's doing. His continued abuse of your personal space and lack of consent relies entirely on your submission, and your wish to not hurt his feelings, and he is taking advantage of that.

He seems to believe that your "No" actually means "Keep trying-- try harder, in fact! Eventually, she will say yes". The sad thing is, you haven't felt confident enough to say "No", because you're prioritising his feelings when he's prioritising getting into your clothes.

Don't protect someone who isn't protecting you. He's not a "nice guy", kiddo.

Get tougher. Call it out directly.

"I told you I don't want you to touch me like that-- if you don't stop, I won't be spending any more time with you."

"If I don't message you back, it's because I don't want to right now, and I don't need your permission or approval to do that. Constant messages while I'm not wanting to talk, is harassment, and I hate it."

And the good old:

"I don't view you romantically, and I won't view you romantically. Stop."

Ghosting him isn't a way out-- it's a sticking plaster over a gaping wound. I implore you to see the way society has conditioned you to believe that it is your job to school the behaviour of boys and men, and I implore you to fight for your own rights.

This may sound harsh, but step back. Be as angry as you should be. I believe you can do this.

None of this is your fault. You've made it clear in every way other than words, and he seems to think you need to paint "NO" across your body in red, for it to count.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Hi! It’s the anon who had trouble liking her brother's friend. So update! After I sent that ask in, my parents came to notify me that they would be staying over for two weeks. (perks of going to an international university is that for thanksgiving break they give 2 weeks for students who have to travel.) Anyways, I was post shower and tired and wearing gray sweats and a pink alpha male shirt (I know the most attractive thing a woman could wear) but I was sitting on the couch drawing and listening to my favorite podcast that i’ve been nagging him to listen to for a bit. After he got inside from being out with my brother he sat down with me and we listened to the podcast and blah blah blah. Later that night he sleepily confessed to me and obviously I said yes.

For the next few days he was amazing. We just, Clicked. That’s the best way I could describe it. Anyway me and him were canoodling (thank you for teaching me that word) in my room and my brother passed by the doorway. he got me to the other room and scolded me (it was basically this, excuse if it sounds bad i don’t speak cis white men that well) “He checked in on you two times yesterday and i knew something was up. Turns out you can’t pull so you just whore around with my friend and make him all soft and shit.” I waited for him to leave before I cried. I was comforted by my now boyfriend and i can’t help but feel like it’s my fault for me and my brother's relationship to be ruined. I want to be on good terms with him and I know the workload at his uni is a lot and stressful but I’m not sure if it’s just him being stressed or I actually did something. Could you give me some advice at all? Thank you so SO much for listening to my mini rant!!

You surely don't need to tell me you're in no way in the wrong here, and that your brother is entirely in the wrong?

Not only that, but all it took for your brother to call you both 1. WORTHLESS AND UNATTRACTIVE and 2. A WHORE was him not having control over you.

Really stop and think. Really, really stop and think. You are asking me to advise you on repairing your relationship with a man, a grown man, a grown man who would like to control you by controlling who falls in love with you, and when he doesn't get his own way, calls you a whore who is unable to attract someone.

It would be unethical for me to advise you to repair anything with this man.

As I said in the first Ask, you have the right to both happiness and falling in love with someone who falls in love with you. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing nothing nothing.

Your brother has had has to sort his own maturity and rampant sexism out. And that's not for you to fix.

It's not your job to fix men or to diminish yourself to not 'encroach' on them.

Good luck. I'm so happy for you. I hope you enjoy your new boyfriend. I'd advise him what your brother said to you; sadly it may be that your brother respects the man you're with more than he respects you.

My personal opinion is that we should tie your brother to a chair, and we stand there with baseball bats, and we thoroughly interrogate his feelings about women.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Hi Haitch!! I have a health question in the nether region sexual department if you’re comfortable answering, because google has been confusing and I’m a little embarrassed to ask my psychiatrist:

I recently started a new mental health medication (snri) and to just say it outright, anorgasmia is a side effect and I’m not if it’s possible to get around that side effect? Have you worked with anyone in the past in your midwifery era who’s experienced this? 😬 I didn’t really expect to have this in my mid twenties but the pros outweigh the cons with this med for me so I’m not exactly wanting to switch if I don’t have to. I know it’s a known side effect with some mental health meds but experiencing it myself wasn’t on my bingo card

Obviously I’m not trying to get super personal or invasive so I understand if you’d rather not answer, I just figured because you’re pretty open with reproductive health I’d give it a shot and ask 💚 (sorry for the long ramble, I’m a very sex positive person but I struggle to practice what I preach at times)

Hi! I'm obviously happy to answer this.

Not only have I seen anorgasmia in other women, but before I was diagnosed with PMDD and started on a correct treatment pathway, I was diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants, and experienced anorgasmia myself.

As it is, I had other intolerable symptoms, and now I am thankfully on HRT instead of antidepressants, and am much happier for it.

It's actually quite common, in both men and women, but rarely talked about due to social stigma/prudism etc.

It's up to you to weigh the pros and cons, which it sounds like you absolutely have. While it's considered a normal side-effect of SSRIs, its tolerability can only be assessed by you.

What I will say, is that true anorgasmia is actually rather rare, even with SSRIs. Most people simply find it harder to reach orgasm. If this is the case, consider buying an extremely enthusiastic vibrator with a head with a large diameter, so it focuses on the whole clitoris and surrounding area.

If that's not how you get off, or you're not even clitoral-focused, or it simply doesn't relate to you, please advise me to fuck off Haitch, you're being unhelpful.

I suspect really, what you needed most was reassurance though. You're not going mad, you deserve to feel sexually satisfied, and it's okay to ask.

I also understand that playing Antidepressant Roulette until you find one that's *perfect* is a daunting prospect (but certainly not out of the question). Better the devil you know, right? Surely you should be GRATEFUL that your brain is better but you can't come, right?! Thank you, life, for this shit sandwich. I hate it.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

this one will sound stupid but...how do you make friends? im looking for advice yes but more in the sense of peoples lived experience: how do YOU make friends personally? i struggle and i always have and it feels like a disability sometimes

I'm sorry that you struggle. I know it's not something that comes naturally to everyone.

I have very few people I would consider friends. Friendly with everyone; 'friend' to few.

Overall, I was always an organic friend finder. I'm fortunate in that most of the people I'm friends with have occurred naturally. I don't tend to seek people out, or make efforts to coalesce people into a group to be My Friend™️. In some ways, I'm very fortunate to have more people who want to be my friend, than time I strictly have to be friends with.

I have a habit of connecting so easily with people, that they feel we're closer friends than I feel we are. It then leads to an awkward moment where I'm ready to gently move on, and they would want a bigger friendship.

I don't particularly get by on not calling people out on bad behaviour. If I get an ugly personality read on someone, I call it and move on.

I tend to be quite choosy. I can be friendly with absolutely anyone, find things to relate with absolutely anyone, and tend to be able to read to see what people want/need. If I read that they want/need something I don't want to give, or cannot give, I tend to back away, gently, and with respect to their feelings.

That sounds dreadful, doesn't it? I don't mean it as such.

I let conversation evolve naturally with anyone who wants to talk. Most of the time, I can't find anything more than surface level that makes me want to stay speaking regularly. With a select few, I find a deeper connection and become firm friends.

I find it really hard advising how to get friends. Thankfully you don't seem to be asking for it. I do believe utter honesty is key. Knowing yourself on a genuine level, including all the bad stuff (not just what you put on the surface, to protect the insecurity of the bad stuff) makes it easier to be around people who choose you, warts and all.

I think there's a bad social habit of attempting to dress up or conceal one's flaws, and then it leads to an odd sort of dance, where friendships feel dishonest because the people within them are trying to hide things from each other, or only show 'their best face', or dress their insecurities up as something different.

For my dearest friends, they are er...privileged? to see the horrible stuff of me as well as the good stuff. I hope they feel comfortable enough to do that for me, too.

Sincerity of intent. I'm a firm believer in it.

I always was a 'groups' avoider, even from an early age, and am reminded any time I join a 'group' why I don't do it in the first place; 'group' dynamics are always more prone to becoming artificial and cultish.

Perhaps that was an 'all girls' school' thing? Not sure. I definitely see it enacted in lots of settings. People who are different in groups, to how they are as individuals, etc? Odd.

Anyway, I digress.

As I said; I really am sorry. It's undoubtedly hard, and must be incredibly isolating to feel like you simply don't have the ability. There are certainly others like you out there who feel the same. Authenticity and kindness are all so can gently advise.

☝️ me with my few closest beloveds

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

absolutely feel free to delete this ask if it makes you uncomfortable!!

i'm finally away from my family and living all on my own, and there's some things i struggled with due to always having people in the house before this point.

again, feel free to delete the ask for this, what tips do you have for someone new to touching themselves? my overthinking keeps taking over when it comes to prep and -how- to actually start..

another thing is, i've always been pretty shy, even as a little girl. and i just somehow don't think to talk aloud to myself. then when i actually want to, i can't bring myself to do so. i just want to feel comfortable with hearing my own voice.

enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Hey! Congratulations for moving out, what an achievement! It must be so satisfying to have your own space. I love this.

CW/TW: masturbation

r.e. advice on this...legitimately nothing other than trying things out and getting to know your own body.

No one of us is the same, our sensitivity levels and physiologies are different, and arguably change throughout the month as well.

Do you need to talk aloud to yourself? Like, do you have to dirty talk yourself to get off? Again, try stuff out.

This might seem unhelpful, but it's genuinely it. Try stuff with just your own hands first, then perhaps include toys if/when you feel ready. I advise always reading peoples' reviews and manufacturers advice for toys before you buy them, as it can help give you an idea of what's right for you.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

haitch i think this is a very personal question but i’m having this little moment in my life where i don’t know what i’m gonna do and you’re someone that i trust to make this question

how did you choose your major/job ? i’m brazilian and we had this huge exam that is basically the way to get into college/university and on the 13th i will get my results and depending on them i will know if i’m able to get to into a good place (here we have public universities, like you don’t pay shit but it’s kinda of hard to get in and you need to have “decent” results but we also have private ones)

i’m struggling because i don’t really have something that i dream of doing and i know that i don’t need to do something for the rest of my life based on the major that i did but it’s just so hard

i’m not against going to a different city/state for it, my main struggle is just deciding, obviously i know that going to a new place is going to be hard since everyone that i know lives in the same state as i do at this moment and going to a place without someone to help on a emergency is hard and probably dangerous

i’m just sad and anxious and i don’t know what to do with my life right now, i always thought that i was too stupid to do certain majors (i know i’m not but it’s hard to not think this was when you were never encouraged)

im really sorry for the long message just to ask a question, i just thought that giving you a little perspective would help

also i’m pretty sure that i made some grammatical mistakes but i’m sleep deprived and with a killing headache i’m sorry

Morning! 🌞 I'm sorry you're feeling shit. Take some pain relief and have some water if you can. I'm sure it's really late there, but early here.

The truth is, it's normal to not know what you want to do, with a job or career. Especially, as young as you are. Our society pushes us to choose a route early, before we even truly know ourselves, or what the world of work in any given career is like.

I, for instance, would choose something other than Midwifery, if I could go back with all the knowledge I have to my 18 year old self. It's not to say I don't love the job, and it's changed me as a person for the better I think; but it's also taken a lot away from me. As it is, I cannot regret it-- I've helped a lot of people and it's made me who I am today. But...you see what I mean. Still, I would choose something else.

It's important to accept that whatever job you take, it's how you grow as a person that will affect your future happiness the most. You are not your job. The way you grow to understand yourself as an adult, your morals and ethics, your ability to remain accountable for your actions and growth at all times, are vital, whether you're a cashier, or a horticulturalist,

Still, I'm realistic; you do, unfortunately, in the world in which we live, have to make a decision.

I think the best thing I can recommend, is trying to widen your perspective away from a singular job, and into an career area; ask yourself:

Is there a job I could do which would be adjacent to a lot of different jobs I may be interested in, one day?

Is there a job I could take, which would offer me further training opportunities which would make me a good candidate for a great number of different jobs?

Is there a job I can take which would offer me attractive transferable skills?

Is it more important, at this point in time, to choose any job in my local area, so I can work on myself, my anxiety and my self-confidence before I venture further into the world?

Don't be overwhelmed by these questions. You are not a failure if you don't launch headfirst into the career you will have for the rest of your life in your early twenties. It's just an opportunity to know yourself better. Build the infrastructure on which you're healthy enough, and varied enough in your transferable skills, to then confidently choose a career path if and when you feel ready. There will be opportunities.

You are smart and capable enough to do this. Come out of panic mode, and into the light.

And remember...as our favourite best boy says:

Whatever you do, there will always be an element of work that is shit.

But the moral of Nanami's story is that enjoying life should not be put on the back burner until certain 'ideal conditions' are met, and that you are not the sum of your job. And also that you should hit things that personally offend you, protect the weak, and remain suspicious of people you barely know who are touchy-feely. And you should help the babies.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Hello Dear Haitch,

I hate to bother you again. I was just wondering what a good rule of thumb is for waiting for a response on an anon message for Aunty Agony Haitch? Or if there are times where you do not respond to certain asks? I completely understand if that is the case. I know you get tons of messages and you also do so much wonderful writing on top of being a real human being with a very busy life, so I deeply apologize if this a rude ask or is already a given that you will not be answering every ask that comes in your inbox.

Honestly, there are times when I don't respond to Asks at all! I still get minimum 5-7 per day, most of the time more like 10, and this is why I have hundreds of unanswered Asks in my Inbox. Arguably there are many I've never answered.

It's simply because I'm busy from dawn til dusk. The fact that I've not watched TV in literal months, basically don't read Fanfiction (maybe the occasional one or two?) and exist on about 4 hours of sleep a night is a sign of how manic my life is.

I'm really sorry for the wait. Honestly, I am. Life is even busier at the moment because of the impending house move, Christmas and birthdays, so Asks are going almost completely unanswered.

When I have 20 minutes spare at the moment (not even really spare-- I'm simply settling a baby to sleep and have a free arm-- I tend to write my drabbles instead of answering Asks.

I anticipate in the New Year I'll have more time, and in April the baby is going to Nursery a few mornings a week.

Thank you for being patient. Let me know which one was yours and I promise I'll get round to it

Love,

And thank you, always, for waiting,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Okay Haitch, I need you to give me really important advice.

A trip, an ex crush and a bunch of friends who knew about said crush and made my life a living hell with teasing.

What do I do??? 😣😣 I'm so excited and terrified at the same time. I still have some residual feelings for the dude, but I don't wanna get my hopes up in case he doesn't turn up, either. 😣😣

Okay. I promote appealing to your friends' better natures. 'Teasing' someone who doesn't find it funny is just bullying.

In advance, be honest with them, and heartfelt: that you think you still have some residual feelings for this guy, but that their teasing genuinely upsets you, because it makes you feel awkward, flustered and targeted. You'd appreciate deeply if they'd stop, because while it's funny for them, it's not funny for you. And when it's funny for them, but not funny for you, it's just bullying and leaves you feeling bad.

If they listen to this, it will put the ball back in your court. You will hopefully be allowed the space to just feel what you feel, whether this guy turns up or not, without the background baggage of your friends' constant attention to it.

If your friends don't listen to your pleas, I advise anger, and righteously so: that you practically begged them not to tease you about it, because it made you feel bad, and they did it anyway? That's wilfully cruel. They have wilfully chosen to continue to make you feel bad for their own pleasure. If they say you're too sensitive and they're having a joke? Remind them that punching down isn't funny for the one being punched. You're the one in the emotionally vulnerable position, whether they like it or not, and they are choosing to exploit that for their own fun.

This is coming from someone who routinely teases her friends and is teased in return; but I read the room. If it's clear that it's not welcome, not only do I stop, but I apologise and make up for it. It's basically fucking empathy, and people who disguise cruelty as 'humour' are some of the worst.

Regarding the guy...don't get yourself into a spiral. Focus on being happy, and your usual self, and if there's something there and everyone has good intentions, something will blossom. Deep breaths-- you'll be fine.

The most important thing...is sticking up for yourself. Your friends aren't friends if they make you feel bad.

Good luck!

Love,

-- Haitch xxx