#Agony aunt Haitch

[pseudowho]

Advice on what to do as a person who never thought she'd live past 15 but somehow made it to 18 please?

You are still in the mindset that you should not be alive, and as such are paralysed in stasis, and struggling to move forwards. Forgive yourself, please, and don't view anything you've done as wasted years or dead years. Just foundations to fix up and build on.

First, accept that you were wrong; incorrect; you must have made an error, because here you are, alive.

Second, don't focus on your age as a number, and comparing yourself to what other 'normal' people are doing at your age. Everyone says this, but I absolutely fucking mean it. If you keep seeing yourself as 'behind', you will panic, get stuck and never get anywhere.

Third, number aside, what things do you want to have by the time you're a 'real' adult; i.e. if you pictured yourself happy and fulfilled, what does that picture look like? How do you feel? Is it something career based, or relationship based, or travel based, or...? So many options! It would be great to have an idea of what living happily (and without any latent thought that you shouldn't be here) looks like.

Fourth...little by little, make plans. Set goals. Work towards them. Ride out the good days with the bad, and seek to understand and contextualise yourself really honestly. This means confronting your flaws and traumas and strengths and achievements and everything. Know yourself. Reflect upon yourself. It will help you choose the things and people you surround yourself with more judiciously.

It's not hopeless. Between you and me (and my followers who have read this far), at many points I didn't think I'd make it past my early childhood.

I did. I am. I viewed myself as a project to be worked on. And I still do.

This is in your hands, and those hands are so very capable.

You've got this, kiddo.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

hiii haitch!! feel free to ignore this ask (sincerely, no pressure on my part) but as an eldest daughter that’s had to mediate tension between parents and their fights (as well as basically having to parent siblings of course) do you have any words of affirmation?? i guess i just wanted to know if it gets better, if finding a partner that doesn’t need you to micromanage everything is possible, etc.

- very exhausted eldest daughter

Oh baby. Relate.

r.e. The mediation thing, I found myself mediating things even when I was away from home, which was hard. Simply getting my own life and distance gradually, gradually reduced this. To be honest, I don't enjoy family drama or seek it out, and I've found myself becoming less and less tolerant of being dragged into things, or accused of things, as I've gotten older. It's such a burden, and all I can say is, if you distance yourself in other ways, then bearing the burden of being the mediator gradually, gradually fades. It's a really heavy thing though and I feel you entirely.

r.e. Finding a partner who you don't have to micromanage; set early, immediate, high standards and don't compromise. Read thoroughly into the 'Mental Load' as a concept, and read thoroughly into how women have been, and continue to be societally manipulated and manipulated by their male partners to bear it. Start a fucking Pinterest board about it. I swear to god, some of the short, concise insights people make about women who are forced to micromanage men, have formed a huge springboard for me to leap off of.

Weaponised incompetence is a thing. I love to use "Oh, okay, so you can do *X task or X job etc* but running the laundry is beyond you? Hanging out clothes neatly and folding neatly is too complex for you? Apparently, women used to not be allowed in the workplace because men were smarter than them, and women belonged at home. So are you saying you're 'stupid', like women at home who do basically every household task better than you? Don't make me laugh, fucking clown."

Once you start to see how respect and love are inherently things that must be together for either one to be true, that is a real golden ticket moment. Does your partner love you? I doubt it, if they don't look at the burdens you're carrying and do everything in their power to equalise it. It's clear they don't respect you. How can they love you if they don't respect you?

If they genuinely don't know how to do these things, I'd offer to teach them once--...and then if they still don't complete it, they're fucking with you. Even if they have ADHD or other processing difficulties that makes them find it harder to do certain things, it's their responsibility to find a way to manage this in a way that doesn't become your burden. I have friends with ADHD, and they create reminders for themselves, ticklists, anything, anything, to help them pull their weight. If a future partner doesn't... it's not a matter of capability, it's a matter of willingness.

Standards. Standards. Standards. Keep them high. Refuse to be gaslighted. Revolt!

Also: you're better alone than with someone who won't complete basic household tasks to keep you.

Ugh. I could scream to the hills about this.

Fight for your rights!

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

If I ever get an Anon/Agony Aunt post, please remember that I absolutely welcome (and I'm sure the Anon does too) others offering their own advice in the comments below. I love the village care element.

HOWEVER: I have had to delete some mean or nasty comments, or simply grotesquely unhelpful/incorrect advice from a few of them.

I do put dividers and CW/TW notes at the start of the Asks where appropriate. If you find it's a topic that triggers you, or you cannot remain impartial or kind for, please don't use the comments box to vent at a stranger asking for help.

☝️ me with mean comments.

If you show yourself as extra mean, I may even block you. May the odds be ever in my favour.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

I’m really sorry to bother you but I need guidance and you’re basically a mother figure.

So basically my brother met a friend when he was in junior high. (I was in 6th at the time he was in 8th). My brother introduced me to him in 2019 because we both had really big hyper fixations on jjk after the manga came out. We talked for the whole time the pandemic and remained close friends till this day. He’s also been really close to my brother recently now that they go to the same uni. So whenever my brother's visiting, he’s also there too. And y’know its always been the “ooo he’s got a new girlfriend” but now its just been increased to my brothers friends from junior high, (for lack of a better term) teasing me about this (and they’ve never even seen me and this guy interact).

So recently he’s been asking me to hang out more without my brother so just one on one time. And has expressed romantic interest in me but I just don’t know if I want to date him because of him being my brother's friend. It’s not even that he’s a bad guy, he’s so sweet and isn’t misogynistic and is great at communicating and just overall an amazing guy. I just don’t know what to do because I don’t know if it would ruin his and my brother's relationship. I’m just worried because I’ve been seeing him a lot with and without my brother and I just don’t know what to do because I really like this guy, It’s just I don’t know how it would affect the people around us.

If you could give your opinion that would be amazing. I just kind of need to get this out to someone. Thank you SO much!!

Ultimately this:

You are not the possession of the men in your family.

If this guy is a good guy, your brother should be thrilled that you've chosen a good guy to be your boyfriend.

If this guy isn't a good guy, then your brother should let you know, but not for selfish reasons (keeping his friend to himself).

Interpersonal relationships are a woven web; it would be odd if anyone in this situation thought that you and this guy being in a relationship, and this guy being your brothers' friend, are mutually exclusive.

Stop diminishing your chances of happiness because you're afraid of how an immature man would react. Because if your brother did react negatively, simply because of misguided possessiveness over a friend or a sister, he is immature.

You and the friend/potential boyfriend should be upfront with your brother, but neither of you owe him anything. Any flash of uncertainty that your brother feels, should be worked through the the maturity expected of a grown man.

I'm not particularly forgiving of others who try to reduce others' chance at happiness simply because they're emotionally immature.

Saying this, you might find your brothers' reaction is absolutely fine. You don't know until you try. Remain calm and diplomatic, without giving in to unreasonable demands.

Also, ignore the dickheads teasing you about it. They're twats too.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Agony Aunt Haitch

Okay, so...enough of you send me posts asking for advice now, that I think I'm going to start collating them here. I can't really believe I'm doing this. I did not intend for this. Laughing.

ADVISORY: I am not a limitless advice pot and nor am I counsellor trained-- if I don't think I have a good answer to give you, I will likely not respond.

Someone asked me, what's your work that has people asking you for advice and opinions?

Succinct Inboxes appreciated.

If anyone would like to weigh in on the advice given, please do so via comments, not further Inboxes.

If you'd like to block these posts, these will be tagged as #Agony Aunt Haitch and my usual Asks will be #Pseudowho Answers You.

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Help! My clingy 'friendzoned' friend keeps touching me, and I don't know how to stop him.

My friend and I are crushing on the same guy...but I lied to preserve the peace. I still like him. What should I do?

[pseudowho]

Hi Haitch!!

How are you? I hope your kids are feeling better from the fever!! I need advice on a situation I'm in. How do you tell a guy that he's being too clingy(?) without hurting his feelings?

I'm currently friends with a guy who used to like me but I friendzoned him so we decided to stay friends. However, he is quite clingy at times online. For eg, he would text me non-stop when I haven't replied to his message or would sometimes touch my shoulders and direct me in the correct direction even though I knew where I was going. There was also a moment where he tried to put his arm around my waist but was unsuccessful since I was carrying a backpack. However, that did not sit right with me. I would admit that I'm a horrible texter(I would reply a few hours after someone messages me), but I did tell him that at the start of our friendship.

Also, ngl, I don't really like it when he touches my shoulders or me since we(more like I) made it clear that we wouldn't be touchy with one and another since it is weird for me since we're not in a relationship(this was happened when I asked him if he liked me) and from my past friendships with guys, they don't really touch their female friends in general. (I'm quite a sheltered kid who doesn't make friends with guys quite often unless my friends introduce me to theirs)

I might be paranoid about his behaviour. I'm not sure, but some things he does just throw me off. I did ask for advice from friends, especially mutual friends who know him, and they said to just cut connections with him. However, I don't want to be mean and do that since he is a nice dude, but sometimes I just dread texting or meeting up with him to study together. I'm not sure if his behaviour is him being clingy or he still likes me(he told me he doesn't anymore) but I'm getting kinda uncomfortable or at least weirded out by his behaviour. I'm really at a loss here. :(

- internally confused anon :°

P.S

I'm sorry for overloading this with you, Haitch! I don't have any older sisters. I could ask for advice on this, and this has been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time now. :(((

You have, at multiple points in this Ask, used misogynistic, woman-blaming language to diminish the ways in which he is ignoring your blatant wish to not pursue a relationship with him.

"Friendzoned". "Without hurting his feelings". "I'm a horrible texter". "Paranoid". "He is a nice dude".

Aside from the longer-term importance of you increasing your self worth, and not continuing to parrot the fundamentally victim-blaming language of the society you have grown up in (not your fault!!), there's one straight answer here.

Stop trying to protect his feelings. He knows exactly what he's doing. His continued abuse of your personal space and lack of consent relies entirely on your submission, and your wish to not hurt his feelings, and he is taking advantage of that.

He seems to believe that your "No" actually means "Keep trying-- try harder, in fact! Eventually, she will say yes". The sad thing is, you haven't felt confident enough to say "No", because you're prioritising his feelings when he's prioritising getting into your clothes.

Don't protect someone who isn't protecting you. He's not a "nice guy", kiddo.

Get tougher. Call it out directly.

"I told you I don't want you to touch me like that-- if you don't stop, I won't be spending any more time with you."

"If I don't message you back, it's because I don't want to right now, and I don't need your permission or approval to do that. Constant messages while I'm not wanting to talk, is harassment, and I hate it."

And the good old:

"I don't view you romantically, and I won't view you romantically. Stop."

Ghosting him isn't a way out-- it's a sticking plaster over a gaping wound. I implore you to see the way society has conditioned you to believe that it is your job to school the behaviour of boys and men, and I implore you to fight for your own rights.

This may sound harsh, but step back. Be as angry as you should be. I believe you can do this.

None of this is your fault. You've made it clear in every way other than words, and he seems to think you need to paint "NO" across your body in red, for it to count.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Hi! It’s the anon who had trouble liking her brother's friend. So update! After I sent that ask in, my parents came to notify me that they would be staying over for two weeks. (perks of going to an international university is that for thanksgiving break they give 2 weeks for students who have to travel.) Anyways, I was post shower and tired and wearing gray sweats and a pink alpha male shirt (I know the most attractive thing a woman could wear) but I was sitting on the couch drawing and listening to my favorite podcast that i’ve been nagging him to listen to for a bit. After he got inside from being out with my brother he sat down with me and we listened to the podcast and blah blah blah. Later that night he sleepily confessed to me and obviously I said yes.

For the next few days he was amazing. We just, Clicked. That’s the best way I could describe it. Anyway me and him were canoodling (thank you for teaching me that word) in my room and my brother passed by the doorway. he got me to the other room and scolded me (it was basically this, excuse if it sounds bad i don’t speak cis white men that well) “He checked in on you two times yesterday and i knew something was up. Turns out you can’t pull so you just whore around with my friend and make him all soft and shit.” I waited for him to leave before I cried. I was comforted by my now boyfriend and i can’t help but feel like it’s my fault for me and my brother's relationship to be ruined. I want to be on good terms with him and I know the workload at his uni is a lot and stressful but I’m not sure if it’s just him being stressed or I actually did something. Could you give me some advice at all? Thank you so SO much for listening to my mini rant!!

You surely don't need to tell me you're in no way in the wrong here, and that your brother is entirely in the wrong?

Not only that, but all it took for your brother to call you both 1. WORTHLESS AND UNATTRACTIVE and 2. A WHORE was him not having control over you.

Really stop and think. Really, really stop and think. You are asking me to advise you on repairing your relationship with a man, a grown man, a grown man who would like to control you by controlling who falls in love with you, and when he doesn't get his own way, calls you a whore who is unable to attract someone.

It would be unethical for me to advise you to repair anything with this man.

As I said in the first Ask, you have the right to both happiness and falling in love with someone who falls in love with you. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing nothing nothing.

Your brother has had has to sort his own maturity and rampant sexism out. And that's not for you to fix.

It's not your job to fix men or to diminish yourself to not 'encroach' on them.

Good luck. I'm so happy for you. I hope you enjoy your new boyfriend. I'd advise him what your brother said to you; sadly it may be that your brother respects the man you're with more than he respects you.

My personal opinion is that we should tie your brother to a chair, and we stand there with baseball bats, and we thoroughly interrogate his feelings about women.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

absolutely feel free to delete this ask if it makes you uncomfortable!!

i'm finally away from my family and living all on my own, and there's some things i struggled with due to always having people in the house before this point.

again, feel free to delete the ask for this, what tips do you have for someone new to touching themselves? my overthinking keeps taking over when it comes to prep and -how- to actually start..

another thing is, i've always been pretty shy, even as a little girl. and i just somehow don't think to talk aloud to myself. then when i actually want to, i can't bring myself to do so. i just want to feel comfortable with hearing my own voice.

enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Hey! Congratulations for moving out, what an achievement! It must be so satisfying to have your own space. I love this.

CW/TW: masturbation

r.e. advice on this...legitimately nothing other than trying things out and getting to know your own body.

No one of us is the same, our sensitivity levels and physiologies are different, and arguably change throughout the month as well.

Do you need to talk aloud to yourself? Like, do you have to dirty talk yourself to get off? Again, try stuff out.

This might seem unhelpful, but it's genuinely it. Try stuff with just your own hands first, then perhaps include toys if/when you feel ready. I advise always reading peoples' reviews and manufacturers advice for toys before you buy them, as it can help give you an idea of what's right for you.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

haitch i think this is a very personal question but i’m having this little moment in my life where i don’t know what i’m gonna do and you’re someone that i trust to make this question

how did you choose your major/job ? i’m brazilian and we had this huge exam that is basically the way to get into college/university and on the 13th i will get my results and depending on them i will know if i’m able to get to into a good place (here we have public universities, like you don’t pay shit but it’s kinda of hard to get in and you need to have “decent” results but we also have private ones)

i’m struggling because i don’t really have something that i dream of doing and i know that i don’t need to do something for the rest of my life based on the major that i did but it’s just so hard

i’m not against going to a different city/state for it, my main struggle is just deciding, obviously i know that going to a new place is going to be hard since everyone that i know lives in the same state as i do at this moment and going to a place without someone to help on a emergency is hard and probably dangerous

i’m just sad and anxious and i don’t know what to do with my life right now, i always thought that i was too stupid to do certain majors (i know i’m not but it’s hard to not think this was when you were never encouraged)

im really sorry for the long message just to ask a question, i just thought that giving you a little perspective would help

also i’m pretty sure that i made some grammatical mistakes but i’m sleep deprived and with a killing headache i’m sorry

Morning! 🌞 I'm sorry you're feeling shit. Take some pain relief and have some water if you can. I'm sure it's really late there, but early here.

The truth is, it's normal to not know what you want to do, with a job or career. Especially, as young as you are. Our society pushes us to choose a route early, before we even truly know ourselves, or what the world of work in any given career is like.

I, for instance, would choose something other than Midwifery, if I could go back with all the knowledge I have to my 18 year old self. It's not to say I don't love the job, and it's changed me as a person for the better I think; but it's also taken a lot away from me. As it is, I cannot regret it-- I've helped a lot of people and it's made me who I am today. But...you see what I mean. Still, I would choose something else.

It's important to accept that whatever job you take, it's how you grow as a person that will affect your future happiness the most. You are not your job. The way you grow to understand yourself as an adult, your morals and ethics, your ability to remain accountable for your actions and growth at all times, are vital, whether you're a cashier, or a horticulturalist,

Still, I'm realistic; you do, unfortunately, in the world in which we live, have to make a decision.

I think the best thing I can recommend, is trying to widen your perspective away from a singular job, and into an career area; ask yourself:

Is there a job I could do which would be adjacent to a lot of different jobs I may be interested in, one day?

Is there a job I could take, which would offer me further training opportunities which would make me a good candidate for a great number of different jobs?

Is there a job I can take which would offer me attractive transferable skills?

Is it more important, at this point in time, to choose any job in my local area, so I can work on myself, my anxiety and my self-confidence before I venture further into the world?

Don't be overwhelmed by these questions. You are not a failure if you don't launch headfirst into the career you will have for the rest of your life in your early twenties. It's just an opportunity to know yourself better. Build the infrastructure on which you're healthy enough, and varied enough in your transferable skills, to then confidently choose a career path if and when you feel ready. There will be opportunities.

You are smart and capable enough to do this. Come out of panic mode, and into the light.

And remember...as our favourite best boy says:

Whatever you do, there will always be an element of work that is shit.

But the moral of Nanami's story is that enjoying life should not be put on the back burner until certain 'ideal conditions' are met, and that you are not the sum of your job. And also that you should hit things that personally offend you, protect the weak, and remain suspicious of people you barely know who are touchy-feely. And you should help the babies.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Hello Dear Haitch,

I hate to bother you again. I was just wondering what a good rule of thumb is for waiting for a response on an anon message for Aunty Agony Haitch? Or if there are times where you do not respond to certain asks? I completely understand if that is the case. I know you get tons of messages and you also do so much wonderful writing on top of being a real human being with a very busy life, so I deeply apologize if this a rude ask or is already a given that you will not be answering every ask that comes in your inbox.

Honestly, there are times when I don't respond to Asks at all! I still get minimum 5-7 per day, most of the time more like 10, and this is why I have hundreds of unanswered Asks in my Inbox. Arguably there are many I've never answered.

It's simply because I'm busy from dawn til dusk. The fact that I've not watched TV in literal months, basically don't read Fanfiction (maybe the occasional one or two?) and exist on about 4 hours of sleep a night is a sign of how manic my life is.

I'm really sorry for the wait. Honestly, I am. Life is even busier at the moment because of the impending house move, Christmas and birthdays, so Asks are going almost completely unanswered.

When I have 20 minutes spare at the moment (not even really spare-- I'm simply settling a baby to sleep and have a free arm-- I tend to write my drabbles instead of answering Asks.

I anticipate in the New Year I'll have more time, and in April the baby is going to Nursery a few mornings a week.

Thank you for being patient. Let me know which one was yours and I promise I'll get round to it

Love,

And thank you, always, for waiting,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Okay Haitch, I need you to give me really important advice.

A trip, an ex crush and a bunch of friends who knew about said crush and made my life a living hell with teasing.

What do I do??? 😣😣 I'm so excited and terrified at the same time. I still have some residual feelings for the dude, but I don't wanna get my hopes up in case he doesn't turn up, either. 😣😣

Okay. I promote appealing to your friends' better natures. 'Teasing' someone who doesn't find it funny is just bullying.

In advance, be honest with them, and heartfelt: that you think you still have some residual feelings for this guy, but that their teasing genuinely upsets you, because it makes you feel awkward, flustered and targeted. You'd appreciate deeply if they'd stop, because while it's funny for them, it's not funny for you. And when it's funny for them, but not funny for you, it's just bullying and leaves you feeling bad.

If they listen to this, it will put the ball back in your court. You will hopefully be allowed the space to just feel what you feel, whether this guy turns up or not, without the background baggage of your friends' constant attention to it.

If your friends don't listen to your pleas, I advise anger, and righteously so: that you practically begged them not to tease you about it, because it made you feel bad, and they did it anyway? That's wilfully cruel. They have wilfully chosen to continue to make you feel bad for their own pleasure. If they say you're too sensitive and they're having a joke? Remind them that punching down isn't funny for the one being punched. You're the one in the emotionally vulnerable position, whether they like it or not, and they are choosing to exploit that for their own fun.

This is coming from someone who routinely teases her friends and is teased in return; but I read the room. If it's clear that it's not welcome, not only do I stop, but I apologise and make up for it. It's basically fucking empathy, and people who disguise cruelty as 'humour' are some of the worst.

Regarding the guy...don't get yourself into a spiral. Focus on being happy, and your usual self, and if there's something there and everyone has good intentions, something will blossom. Deep breaths-- you'll be fine.

The most important thing...is sticking up for yourself. Your friends aren't friends if they make you feel bad.

Good luck!

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Haitch (mother) dearest

I need your help. So there’s this guys who’s absolutely smitten by me like he makes it so obvious and like he’s so open about it , like he tells me all the time what he’s feeling about me, compliments me all the time, princess treatment 24/7 and literally tells me that I’m all he’s thinking about. But here’s the issue he said he’s scared that he’s falling in love with me cuz apparently he is ‘consumed with thoughts of me 24/7, music songs different now and things just feel better’ according to him (his words not mine)

How do I get him to think less about me and like basically get him to slow down a bit for his own good cuz he’s literally like a lovesick puppy around me🥹🥹🥹

Also I like him ngl but like I feel bad cuz after all these times of wanting someone who knows what they want from the start and literally worshiping the floor I walk on type of love I’m not able to reciprocate it properly now that I finally have it cuz I’m scared

Hey, so, word of warning:

This is 1. Quite lovebomb-y, and 2. It is rather obsessive and obsession is a dangerous emotion, and 3. It is a lot of unfair pressure on you to be the object of that obsession, and to live up to it, and to say yes.

Yes, the obsession feels good at first. It's incredible having someone that into you. It really makes you feel special.

But step back; categorise the things that you need and want to feel like someone is genuinely interested in you and cares for you, and compare that to his very heavy behaviour now.

In my experience, some young guys especially, when they first fall in love, fall in love in an obsessive possessive all-encompassing way. It is quite the burden on you to be the object of that. And it's not your responsibility to either reciprocate like that, or to get him to tone it down and slow it down.

Personally: I have alarm bells. And I think you do, too. Listen to them. You're allowed to tell him the truth: this is too much, and too much pressure, and you need some space.

I assure you that when someone really 'worships the ground you walk on', it doesn't feel this way. Love does not place upon a pedestal; obsession does.

I advise: firmly, firmly draw that boundary. It is your right to alter the boundary if you still don't feel comfortable. I very much advise that you let a few safe, trusted people know that this guy is hyperfocused on you right now.

Okay?

I hope he tones it down and that you have time to examine your feelings, and find yourself in the same headspace.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Hi Haitch!

I hope you're having an amazing day and that you and your family are well.

I know I said that the situation with the guy is over yesterday since we stopped texting, but no!! This morning, when I opened Instagram, I got a notification that someons tagged me in a comment. Guess what? That asshole tagged my account for a camera giftaway. I might be overdramatic with this, but I'm annoyed that he used my account since I haven't and will not accept him as a follower, and that he didn't ask me if it's okay to use my account since I didn't even know what was the giftaway for. Moreover, I'm not even following him back, so why must he use my account???

I wanted to be petty as fuck and comment that he shouldn't tag someone's account who doesn't want to be tagged but I decided otherwise as it'll force me to have a conversation with him. I know that I shouldn't be annoyed or angry for such a small matter, but I really don't like how he just used my account for a giftaway since we're not that close anymore. I'm on the verge of blocking him, but I know that will spark conversations, and I'm avoiding that as much as possible right now. For a moment, I thought this was over, but it's not. Idk what to do anymore 😭😭😭

- internally confused anon :°

Okay, so now this has transitioned to harassment. It's not surprising, sadly.

Make a diary of everything, with times and notes and please make a folder of screenshots that can be used with it. You're not yet at the point of knowing how far this will escalate, and Police love a timeline.

Ignore. Flat out ignore. You are 100% right that he's trying to force you to interact one way or another. It is an unwinnable fight; if you're angry, he'll pretends to be hurt or bewildered to make you feel guilty, because he's already shown a precedent of manipulating you by trying to make you feel guilty.

IGNORE. I CANNOT STRESS IT ENOUGH. The chances are, he will try something similar a few more times and then stop. But if you give him even a hint of suggesting he's getting to you, he will keep going stronger.

If this situation continues, make sure you have your collected diary of events (please write down dates, times and locations and witnesses of all the prior incidents) and take it to the authorities.

I'm sorry you have to do this...but I really, really do recommend it. If this guy turns out to be a manipulator or stalker, even if he is never convicted for you, it will form a wider criminal picture of him for future convictions.

Love, and stay safe please,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

hi haitch!

i’m the anon who sent that ask about my fear of dying. i just read your response, and i greatly appreciate it. it’s good to know that it’s not just me who experiences it, as i often feel silly for being so over obsessed.

i’d just like to say that i just got back from a concert (just saw ice nine kills with amity affliction, yes i cried hearing the shower scene, no i do not care). i did not think about the world ending once, the only feelings of anxiety i felt was while waiting for INK to come on stage. i have another in about 6 days, which i am extremely excited for (thy art is murder and brand of sacrifice are great deathcore btw). i wholeheartedly enjoyed tonight, and even got complimented by a man, which never happens. he’s 26, waaaay to old for me at 18, but the universe gives just as it takes. i screamed and sung until i was drenched in sweat and on the verge of throwing up and passing out at once in the pit.

i tell you this because it was after reading your response after this event, i think i understand. shifting my thoughts to the successes and joys of life, instead of the mysterious and unlikely fatalities i think i may endure, is what would be best.

no one is prepared for these things, my uni counsellor and mother both tell me this. if the freak death of the earth happens, it’s not just me. i should begin to make the effort to truly enjoy life. listen to my music unabashedly, wear the clothes i want, wear all the black lipstick i want. next january, i’ll be seeing bad omens, vip and all. i wish that by then, i will be able to leave the house without the fear of never coming home, to enjoy the body and brain i exist within. not everyone has everything sorted out. lazy days are to come and go, just as are great days full of joy and productivity.

your wisdom is something i wish to live and learn to gain. thank you haitch, i think you’ve just kicked my ass onto the right path. yes, i will read that every night before bed without fail from now on XD

Sorry it's taken me ages to answer this.

I don't know how my words did you any good, but yes to all of this (apart from the 26 year old, ew).

You too, will be old and wise like me 🦉

Well done. Good job. 10/10. Keep your chin up, gorgeousness, and have fun.

☝️ life going for you but you're like

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

Haitch!!!!!! I am in peril!!!!!

So. My boyfriend (let’s call him Jay) and I have been going out for two years roughly, and before that we were friends for about half a year. We met through family friends at an old lady’s birthday (the party was amazing and 40’s themed) and have been inseparable since. And I think Jay is proposing to me on my birthday in a few weeks and idk what to dooo.

My parents were together for like ten years before they had me, and they still aren’t married. In my country there’s this thing where you can like register a “partnership” (it was mainly used by same-sex couples before gay marriage was legal) but my parents haven’t even registered their relationship there either. So, legally speaking, there’s nothing tying them together except me and their house. And I never thought about marriage, probably partly because of my parents. Frankly I thought I’d never even find a partner I loved enough to actually commit to, but I love Jay. But I don’t know if I want to get married. To anyone ever, not specifically Jay.

I think I’m just too pessimistic a person with too many trust issues because I’m convinced that Jay won’t actually want to be with me for the rest of his life. Like, he’s bound to grow tired of me eventually. We’re just 25 and 27. There’s only one forever-relationship, and all the others will inevitably end. And I’m sort of sending myself into a spiral about this.

I feel like… in the grand scheme of things… knowing each other for 2.5 years is nothing. Like, 2.5 years ago the man I share a bed with was a total stranger. And now he’s telling me I might want to get my nails professionally done for my birthday? Snooping around my jewelry for my ring size? Asking if I prefer gold or silver?

In the end I know I need to talk to him about it. But I don’t really want to because I know I’m being silly and unnecessarily dramatic and I’ll probably start crying in the middle of it and I hate crying in front of people. Uwaaaah.

Sorry about this long message lol, I would have asked my sister for advice if I had one but I’m an only child, and the oldest of my cousins. And my mom is not great at advice and I’m not that close with my dad. And I love my friends, but they would just tell me to talk to my therapist about it, but I wanted to kind of… get a non-professional view of it.

Point being: do you think getting engaged after 2.5 years is too soon? And how do you think I should bring my worries up to Jay without hurting his feelings?

Sorry again for a long ask and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

This is a simpler answer than the length of the Ask would suggest:

Marriage, or not marriage, will not increase or decrease the love that's already there, if you are in a healthy, truly understanding relationship.

Our perceptions of marriage are often affected by the relationships of those around us, it's true. If I were to look at the marriages in my family, I would have a very mixed view on its sanctity. However, I was very focused on the man I had chosen to marry, and whether it was right for us.

You don't have to get married. But, you should look into the core issues here: comparing your relationship to that of others, your low self-worth, and your conflict avoidant way of thinking that means you're trying to base one of the biggest decisions of your life, on how others would feel about it.

You need to talk to him. You need to actively discuss what marriage means to you both, and why you would or would not get married. You will probably find that a healthy discussion of this sort does a lot to assuage your worries.

One thing you do need to do, is stop projecting your low self-worth onto Jay. That's unfair on him. It certainly sounds like he wholly believes in you, and his love for you, and commitment to you, and not getting married because you dislike yourself and are convinced that he will eventually dislike you, too, is just hurting yourself to pre-empt the perceived possibility of him hurting you.

Talk to the only other person that matters; Jay. You're not trying to hurt him. Be generous with your emotions and seek to traverse this together.

If you can't get through pre-marriage discussions like this, that's an indication in itself.

Good luck!

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[pseudowho]

hi haitch, i never really thought i’d be doing this but oh well.

i’m scared of dying. every second of the day, i expect that the world will end, and that i will die. i can’t sleep at night anymore, then i sleep all day and feel horrible about it. i’m going back to therapy for it at my uni, and i’ve recently gotten back on my medication.

i suppose in sending this, i’m asking for reassurance, or merely an alternative point of view? i’m 18, 19 in 2 months, and i’m terrified that i have done nothing, and will die having done nothing. from a woman who has achieved quite a bit in my eyes, how do you approach these fears?

i feel silly sending this, but thinking it too. you and mr haitch are, in my opinion, quite intelligent. so i appreciate any thought or feeling you have on the matter. (mr haitch is more than welcome to add on any bits of wisdom he has too. the more the merrier)

hope everything is going well in your little corner of the world, much love from australia :)

A fear of mortality is, I think, part of the normal, healthy human psyche, but when it engulfs you to the point where you live in abject terror, you need some help. I'm really glad you've accessed it.

At the moment, it seems you're hyperfocused on *what you haven't done* in a way that I've noticed as a recurrent theme from 18-24 year olds who have Inboxed me here.

From a Millennial perspective (1993 here), one thing I can say I've noticed in Gen Z, is that your extreme youth has been hyper fetishised by the media, to the point where a lot of you genuinely, genuinely seem to think that you're 'getting old' as young as 20, and that you need to have done all of these incredible, huge, 'life affirming' things before 'real life' (BAD LIFE) starts after Uni/College.

I've seen it to an extent in my youngest sister, too; this really, really fatalistic feeling towards ageing out of your teenage years. It's worrying, and frankly unfair that you've all been left to feel this way. I have to say, despite the 'demands' of adult daily life, you also generally have more freedoms, and you're currently paralysed by this fear of dying that's crippling you.

The way you need to approach this fear, aside from getting help; start viewing self-growth as 'doing something'. Learn more about your character and yourself and trying to push your lean towards your best traits. Also...do University, and enjoy it. Try to build yourself towards a life and career that will let you do the fun things you want to. Have fun.

Having fun and being happy IS AN ACHIEVEMENT.

I have to say, despite all of these 'achievements' I have throughout my twenties, I have had significantly less fun than a lot of my cohort.

While yes, I have a lot of career notches, three children and a husband that I adore, I never had long lazy mornings in bed, going out to restaurants, big fun holidays, and utter freedom to be myself for myself and only myself. So, swings and roundabouts. I wouldn't change what I have for the world, but I'm fully aware that there are things I was never able to do, and may never be able to do in the same way, now.

You're doing great. Get help, stop focusing on dying when you're just a baby, and start focusing on living. Having fun, slowly growing the core of you (which should never stop growing, even when you're 80) and taking the time to learn how to balance work and life, IS LIVING.

I personally measure my success by the positive impact I have made on others. It's why I love bringing people joy through writing. It's why I love being a midwife, and helping someone through one of the most difficult things in their life. It's why I love pestering @mrhaitch every hour of the day.

How do you measure success?

Love,

-- Haitch xxx