#About myself especially. And im sorry for any hurt i caused. Though never intentional.. I know i was clumy

[mrfoox]

Happy late birthday Eva, still remember you and your birthday.

[gamergirluprising]

(WARNING SENSITIVE INFO WILL BE DISCUSSED OR GIVEN. IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE INFO REGARDING SELF-HARM OR BULLYING I’D ADVISE YOU NOT TO READ ON. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED)

Hello, everyone, I’d like to share somethings that have urked me and outright surprise me when getting deeper and deeper into this whole shebang cause honestly, this is too much to NOT notice. If you're wondering what I am talking about I am referring to all the stuff I found out about Viv and the fact that she never truly seemed sorry for what she's done to said people based on what I have found out and what she's said in recent years.

Now you all may say "G, she said she's sorry and that's that. Don't bring up things that happened years ago or have been resolved." and look, man, I'd leave it alone if it was CLEAR that she was truly a person of her word, wasn't a hypocrite, and didn't cause 3 people to be suicidal and cause/know of witchhunts that she KNOWS happened and/or wanted to happen. You guys can like her all you want and defend her, but be sure they are good defenses, understand WHERE I am coming from, and be mindful of what I am saying. Don't just ignore everything she did just cause you THINK she's super nice or because she's your idol.

I will also emphasize that I wish for NO ONE to send any unnecessary hate or anything of the like to Viv. You don't stoop to someone else's level just cause they did some bad crap. I just wanted to say any of this, loud and clear, cause its straight facts that shouldn't be buried just cause she wants to hold onto her image the best she can. That isn't at all fair to those victims who have been wronged and had their names tainted over her destructive and mean-spirited hypocritical behavior. AGAIN DO NOT ATTACK VIV AND DON'T THINK ME CALLING HER OUT IS A REASON TO HATE HER. We can be better than her in terms of handling things. Do not also think me calling her out shouldn't have been done JUST CAUSE you don't wanna hear it or not. If you don't wanna see it, you don't have to read it.

with that being said, LET'S DISSECT.

 S T A R V A D E R

First I have to start off relaying to you guys what Starvader had stated at the beginning of the document so you'll get a jist of why she even spoke up in the first place. 

 "I type this document with no malicious intent only my personal thoughts on how I feel recently about the situation since its been on my mind well every day now since 2013. At least five years I’ve had thoughts below as to my personal experience of meeting an ex idol and why sometimes meeting your idol isn’t the best approach. For me, that ex idol is Vivienne Medrano creator of Zoophobia and Hazbin Hotel. I’m not aiming to defame this creator nor do I think people should stop liking their work or stop supporting them. If you like their work there is nothing wrong with that but I will refuse to silence myself any longer due to how much this rarely leaves my mind and tends to come up. This has been a situation swept under the rug and most would probably state ‘ well why are you bringing all this up now it was so and so years ago you guys squashed this etc etc “ that being the case, sorry doesn’t fix emotional trauma that comes up frequently during depressive episodes and comments do tend to stick to people in a certain way. Apology or not, words have a heavy weight to them."

I put this here even though I will be putting a link to her doc because people will most likely not read or press the link and just act as if Starvader wanted blood. No, she stated her mind and was clear when saying she wanted no harm done to Viv.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vRX8VEoTS7Xot7D9u5i7MMEgtT44mNEtgpl4FY7QDZCA7ZY2j-CTJF7Uw_JwSJ6WUQNVvaTQv60Igte/pub

In this link It tells anyone who comes across it what she and some others mentioned here had to go through when being compared by Viv, wanting to do what's right and still being "called out" and bullied while getting hate sent to them, and having been told how her dreams would never ever be achieved and that she should practically give up, how she put friends against one another, etc. It showcases screenshots of these examples. 

It all began with the accusation of art theft. The very thing she played the victim in with someone else. I'm sure some of you old-time fans of Viv know who this person was and are aware of the beef they had with one another. After reading Starvader's Doc, I want you to look at the post Vivziepop made to defame someone known as 

  D O L L C R E E P

This may be a throwback to you and you all may have thought this person was abusive. I won't say that they did absolutely nothing wrong since they themselves have said they did some wrong in the situation, but I will say that one was more of a problem starter than the other. 

http://web.archive.org/web/20151008172207/http://enoughisenough-dollcreep.tumblr.com/post/125101370456/my-experience-with-dollcreep

Notice in this post that the very things she did to Starvader she said DollCreep did to her and how she tries and paint DollCreep as this SEVERELY abusive person. Hell even in Starvader's document you'll see that DollCreep told SV that he talked with Viv about the whole thing regarding SV and Viv and she apparently listened at the time. Not to mention that the screenshots Viv put in that post were either take(very possibly) taken out of context or not even bad to begin with (though his reply about the face thing was odd and shouldn't have been addressed b but due to circumstances, I think that's why he was so cautious). I don't know DC like that, but this kinda makes me feel as though he wasn't a bad person Viv makes him out to be and more her trying to destroy his image ENTIRELY for her benefit, cause till this very day she still calls him an abuser and someone she doesn't want to meet again. 

if you continue on into the post she made, you'll see that she has made characters, EERILY SIMILAR to DC's, some WAY MORE than others. SV was willing to change some of the designs and even wanted to stop, Viv, however, seemed to take great offense over such an accusation and took to social media to make her frustrations known. SV kept this hidden from 2013 to 2018.

Oh btw, if you read the doc you'll see that SV wanted to commit suicide. DC actually attempted it. The cyberbullying ran that deep and it ANGERS me.

here’s what someone who saw the sitch had to say.

https://web.archive.org/web/20170619163024/http://dcs-personal-blog.tumblr.com/

can find everything here regarding what DC said about the sitch. You guys DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HURT THIS PERSON. It actually pisses me off that people even attacked DC and blindly believed Viv. It’s Johnny Depp’s situation all freaking over again

Here’s the picture of Viv saying that he was abusive, completely ignoring her behavior, and knowing hate would be sent to DC. Again won’t say that DC was completely innocent but damn man, was this necessary? DC even said that they talked it out and everything 

https://vivziepop.tumblr.com/post/179705403534/im-only-going-to-say-this-once

Don’t even get me started on the whole character credit fiasco that Viv refused to properly fix.

https://krieg-was-taken.tumblr.com/post/101438542866/dollcreep-kibadoglover45-dollcreep-even

Look at this as well.

https://web.archive.org/web/20200104224648/https://tyacutie123.tumblr.com/post/125800399071/beware-of-abusive-artist

it mentions SV again, but it also brings into light a parody character meant to mock DC during all of this drama. 

https://killapunk.tumblr.com/post/125896144245/dcs-personal-blog-enoughisenough-dollcreep/amp

DollCreep does the same thing back and is treated like the enemy. Hypocrisy at its finest.

now, most of you guys will be saying that this all happened in the past. It’s over, some will say, She’s changed (some of you may even say that these people deserve it. Yes people actually have said stuff like this to me or others) but here’s the problem, She still pulls crap like this to ruin people or to make others feel stupid. Just last year she was laughing with JaneGumball (who APPARENTLY made up with the victim) saying that she deserves it for being rude when the girl just said her opinion and was still a fan of Viv at the time, meaning she didn’t even mean to hurt Viv’s feelings and, hear me out, even if she did WHY FIND HER CYBERBULLYING FUNNY AND JUSTIFIED OVER AN OPINION? What sort of logic is that? That’s GREATLY immature and unnecessary, especially for someone her age (She’s 27 or 28 guys while the victim was 15, come on man!)

 and I’m sure some of you know what happened with the person who made a meme regarding HH and other animated cartoons.

She’s VERY MUCH AWARE THAT THEY WERE ATTACKED....and this is how she responds....wow O K A Y.

So no, she didn’t actually change because she most likely didn’t think she had to. People kept supporting her thus making her believe that what she did was correct. Oh and Faust is practically Viv as well. (As seen by the SV doc and this tweet thread)

https://twitter.com/melonbea/status/1206994000563068930?s=19

Hell Viv seemed to ignore this too, as well as a lot of shipping drama if it involves a specific ship, but I won’t delve too deep into that subject since I am not very aware of the things that go down in that side of the fandom. 

and there’s this 

https://afraidofmonsters-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/188662798256/so-lets-talk-about-this-blog-the-fandom-and-viv

and this

https://historia-kq.tumblr.com/post/190882421127

I’d advise you guys to hear these things out. 

Oh and Viv is the type to be a Hypocrite regularly,

https://twitter.com/VivziePop/status/613097846603026433?s=19

I could send you all the screenshots of her tweets but that should be another post on its own cause THERE IS A LOT. Like her Cancel Culture tweet, that tweet where she said, and I quote, “The hypocrisy is strong” back in 2014, November 29th. That time she had a thread of tweets saying, and I quote “never let someone dictate your value as an artist! Never seek the approval of someone else and conform to what they say you should do!” Despite doing this to StarVader.

If you guys want screenshots I can either personally DM or make a post showing her hypocrisy. Cause honestly this is rather, dare I say it, TOXIC. She’s manipulated people and has used them when they don’t abide by her rules or make a mistake that could have been resolved privately, she attacks and it’s saddening. I am TIRED of people getting hurt by her and I am tired of her abusing her power. If she wants to change I am COMPLETELY DOWN for that, but change starts when you want it. You can’t say sorry and expect people not to see past the lies or see that you obviously didn’t change. Sorry should mean what it means, feeling regret or penitence, but if you don’t at all exhibit these things then how are we supposed to believe that you are at all sorry for anything you’ve done currently AND in the past? I mean damn dude did you guys even know what happened to the cosplayer that Viv was mad about?

https://boricua-moonbakery.tumblr.com/post/616407364553310208

Now look, if you like Viv’s content, that’s your choice. I for one very much do like some fan content that i’ve stumbled onto and find some very creative and my cup of tea and while I’m not a huge fan of HH I still very much find the premise very creative. What I do if a creator of something is majorly sketch or strange I simply seperateb the content from the creator. I simply wanted to point out things many peeps don’t know about and any person who is a fan of Viv, I hope you’d at least understand WHY I am at all saying anything I am saying. I want there to be justice but I want things to be fair. I don’t want Viv to get hurt, but I want her to actually learn from her mistakes. I am not here to discourage you from anything, it’s your choice if you choose to stay and I will not judge you for it. I am a girl who SIMPLY wants people to be more aware of who exactly Vivienne Medrano is. She’s mistreated both fans of HH and ZP and it boggles me.

If you guys want more info, like her tweets that I mentioned, just message me.

      END OF DISSECTION

[beizhuo]

alright folks , i made this post last night about amending my carrd rules . & now , after calming somewhat down from getting sick to my stomach about it , i must now make one final update post about this to make people really & fully understand where i stand . why ? because i am , once again , having / needing to finely comb through the people i want to follow & interact with due to some very , VERY toxic behavior & terrible , childish individuals that think its real cute to stalk , harrass , steal , & gatekeep folks . 

understand that i will NOT be namedropping anybody in this post . this is not my intention . i am not out here to isolate folks or make people ‘ chose sides ’ . making people do that is absolutely horrible ! i do not give a damn who other people interact with . i do , however have extreme issues with theft ( amongst other things ) . i can draw a god damn line at theft ! 

harassment ? don’t care . you’re trolling , i can ignore you . gatekeeping . you’e petty and attention seeking im here for friends anyway . but actual literal theft - i can draw a line there . please get out & OFF MY BLOG if you are so unoriginal that you haveta steal from me or my friends !

please know that you can interact with those thieves & gatekeepers , i don’t care ! but understand that i will most likely softblock you because i genuinely do not want them to find me . no hard feelings . ( they have found my other 2 blogs , and i am tired of them finding me ! especially for baizhu ! i don’t even follow some of my friends here cause of this ! ) i am not even in the genshin community to begin with . my group ? we don’t do communities for toxic behavior and people being so exclusive to the point of driving people out & away . its distasteful and mean ! do you know that i have some friends that were cut off from communities entirely all because they were a dupe ? tHAT is the kind of dupe drama i fucking hate . along with theft . anyway . i will start from the beginning of my rules that i deem important .

DUPLICATES . ( AND MIMICRY / THEFT )

the irony that this is the first point . it is like it was a wonderful transition . anyway . this is actually having to deal with two rule points . and i want to group them together cause they are related .

myself & a few other people have come to find out that .... there is somebody AT THE VERY LEAST taking inspo from us . i will start with dupes .

my friend has a character and was WHOLLY mistaken for another mun . which is fine . that happens , but things took a turn for the worse when they were then shunned / cut off because they werent ‘ good enough ’ . do you know how HORRIBLE that is ? to be told that you aren’t good because you weren’t the mun that they wanted ? this is the type of shit i cannot stand with dupe drama . DO NOT EVER COMPARE DUPES WITH ONE ANOTHER !!! i mean it . 

i follow different childes ! and you know what i adore them both . they are both amazing ! 

sure i may have my mains / exclusives ( and im not inclined to interact with other blogs of that same character ) but i still like portrayals . i do , in fact , just READ threads sometimes . i don’t necessarily follow for interactions . like ffs man . i like variety . jesus christ .

going to mimicry / theft . you know ... i have fucking seen this with a couple of friends . there is a difference between coincidental similarities , however ! for myself & for my friends , we have SEEN inspo taken from us . im gonna say this really loud for people .

MIMICRY IS NOT FUCKING FLATTERY . 

do not take inspo from me . especially without credit . absolutely do NOT do it . you are very unoriginal for doing that shit . 

now , you like something i make / made ? you are inspired to want to make something ? fine , that’s okay , you can ALSO fucking ask me , you can also credit me . as you fucking should ! you can notify me and go , damn , i really like your style , do you mind if i use it in xyz ? sure , go right ahead . do it . im begging you , go ahead and do it IF YOU FUCKING ASK ME . god im so fucking angry about this , but this is some vile shit . and im angry .

i am angry and terrified cause i literally cannot get away from these people cause they seem to be wherever i go . i DO NOT DO COMMUNITIES BECAUSE OF THIS .

as a good friend said : it’s like they are a virus that you cannot get rid of .

thats what happens with attention seekers unfortunately , but for the sake of my safety & health , i will not have it on my blog or dash . if i see these people on my dash often , i will unfollow .

and it isn’t like a specific person , its a GROUP of people . which leads me to my next point .

DRAMA / CALLOUTS.

imagine having beef with an individual , and then going around and gatekeeping that individual and getting people to unfollow / block them . im not talking about , ‘ hey this person is vile because they ship incest ’ . i am talking about ‘ i had a disagreement with this person & they hurt my feelings >:/ they are mean and will hurt you . etc etc etc . ’ 

i do not give a flying fuck about somebodies issues with another person . so you guys don’t get along . not my problem . i have people that hate me . i have friends where i hate their friends . shit happens . i am probably absolute scum to some people lol . i get mistaken for other people sometimes . it’s fine , hate me cause you think im that person . that person is snowflake repellent anyway , go choke on your kool aide that you are drinking ig . 

okay sorry i am angry but still . people claim and cry about wanting to talk & communicate . but then . guess what . sometimes shitty people are like , so this person said this to me , and they are mean . IF YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT GOES ‘ OH MY GOD HOW DARE THEY ’ AND BLOCK THEM THEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM . i will give an example . of using my two names that i have .

somebody goes to amphy and says ‘omg ghost said this , and im frustrated and angry with them cause what he said was uncalled for . ’ if amphy goes ‘ omg ghost is shitty ’ and then unfollows / blocks them without any other discussion , then thats an issue cause ghost has no idea wtf happen . amphy got involved in YOUR relationship with ghost even though ghost has been nothing but kind and sweet to you . you also don’t know if amphy is just victimising or being emotional either . so why they fuck would you believe somebody who is venting to you about it and then block somebody who did literally NOTHING to you .

i dont know if i explained that correctly but i will give you something more realistic , again without namedropping .

i have a few friends that hate one another . i’ve known all of them for years . but they all , i kid you not , they ALL fucking hate each other . there’s three of them . and they cannot stand each other . i just happen to be somebody who gets along with all of them . you bet your ass that at one point , they all came to talk mad shit about the others . what did i do ? i went , oh okay . well im sorry that you have issues with them . sounds like a bad experience , but i can’t do anything about that cause i am not you and i am not them . if you are gonna change my mind , it isn’t gonna happen , sorry !

i have had people shit talk people i have no idea who they are , and i just sit here just being a source for them to vent , but i never NEVER EVER act on anything i hear . why ? cause its petty drama and gossip . if you do that , then damn , sorry kiddo , get some help on that alright ? maybe be nicer . i dunno .

now . racism ? pedophilia ? incest ? HARMFUL SHIT ? that’s different . but again , theres a lot of miscommunication . i have people coming and pulling the cards like they are hot shit  and that isn’t fucking cute . THAT ISN’T CUTE GUYS . you are the problem if you try to victimize yourself cause of something YOU misinterpreted .

i have a friend that has this on their blog .

i am literally going off on a god damn tangent . anyway . :) 

fuck you if drink kool aide .

THERE ARE OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS! YOU ARE ABLEIST IS YOU ERASE THE OTHER (UN)COMMON ONES.

i know that autism is the ‘common’ one here . you are valid okay . but guess what . ADHD , BPD, DiD, and straight up depression and anxiety are also things as well ! there are MANY folks here that are also undiagnosed as well OR they lay on some sort of spectrum as well . I am once again not going to disclose my own things here cause again THAT IS PRIVATE INFO , but fuck you if you refuse to see other disabilities .

also there are physical disabilities as well btw .

if you are not understanding of any other disability , or you wanna mute / deafen other mental disorders , YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM .

end of story . 

treat other people how you want them to treat you and don’t you dare ever shove your baggage at them . thanks . 

please be more understanding that some people are not okay:tm: . 

i implore you to get help if you need help , but sometimes some people dont have to take your shit . and they most certainly do not need to sit and take your issues if they are not okay either . its toxic and very unhealthy behavior to expect others to help you . they can help you as best as they can , but you need to understand that everybody has their moments . do not guilttrip them . do not gaslight them . 

but also understand that sometimes , people are saying things cause they genuinely need help ! you can be there for them but as a friend , you need to also tell them your own boundaries as well and tell them that they need to seek professional help .

but also , if somebody refuses to get help , then that is on them . not on you . 

anyway another tangent , but back to the point . autism , while you need to understand is something you need to see and understand , is not the only mental disorder ! and you need to understand that some people suffer from really REALLY shitty things and are sometimes undiagnosed . i am really REALLY tired of depression , ADHD , BPD, and DiD getting brushed under the rug like they are not important . cause guess what , there are spectrums ! all mental health is important . fuck you if you disregard the other disorders , you are being ableist .

STOP HATE READING PEOPLE.

im really sick and tired of this . you don’t like something somebody said ? you can either : ask what they meant or block / unfollow them . 

DO NOT FUCKING STALK THEM EITHER . 

you have an obsession if you hover on their blog too .. do not do that . that is SO unhealthy for you . here is what a friend said on twitter . ( not name dropping them , just copy pasting them )

❛ i stg people need to fine a better hobby than to hate read a persons blog or profile. not a good look on you when you go and read what they post about just to get angry at something you think they said and then you go off spewing lies about it cause 'youre offended.'  

like you already hate them in the first place. you weren’t 'looking to see if they were a better person.' youre just looking to find another thing to hate about them. 

that is what hate reading is about. so you can read their posts and find just another reason to hate and laugh at how bad you think they are.

but it doesnt make you a better person. it just makes you a sad person with no life. stop hate reading people. grow tf up. go breathe on some plants or something idk.

i say this very loud and clear . if you hate read me , i live in your head rent free . not my problem . but it does become my problem if you begin to steal shit and start spewing lies about myself or my friends . grow up and move on with your life . sorry my life seems more interesting than you ig . idk .

anway this got long , and at this point i am going off on a tangent but !!!!

TL ; DR

read my rules ig . idk .

you can dm me for more info if you want . at this point i have blocked the problem blogs for myself. if you are curious you can ask . HOWEVER. i am not going to tell you to block or unfollow . why ? cause at the end of the day , it is MY beef . this are my issues . i am NOT here to gatekeep .

i will say that i will tell you IN private the for MY story . but keep in mind that it is MY story . not yours . not theirs . it is all about perception .

my perception is that they are scummy gatekeeping thieves . they gatekeep the people they dont like or are intimidated by . i am somebody who fucking bites and calls people out on their shit , because of this ? i make enemies . but my enemies are not yours . i dont care .  dont give a damn . i am intimidating to people who are cowards and i don’t care . 

if they feel bad when i call them out , if they try to go around and do damage control , then that means they are guilty .

and then you can ask yourself this : why are they reacting like that ?

i am once again going to bring up that other twitter user that i quoted before .

❛  you dont like hearing that because someone is holding a mirror up to you and it makes you uncomfortable because you know you . and you know the parts of you that are good . so in your heart you have to come up with a narrative that makes you feel better about the fact that somebody is asking your to confront the parts about yourself that you hate the most .

anyway . this got long . im so sorry for the long read . im so sorry i sounded hostile ad angry . im just volatile sometimes . im just really tired . and i dont need to come on this blog and have a panic attack . 

anyway . cheers loves ! stay happy , stay healthy . drink your fluids . take your meds !

[epic-sorcerer]

Fuck

(Tw antiblackness)

Okay so when I was 11 my mom read this book to me about the 5 Chinese personality elements. Ever sense then I was fascinated by it and wanted to create OCs of my own to respresent them.

Bc my adhd can cause weird motivation and memory, I cared only with developing characters and story lines and slowly forgot the actual sorce material.

When I first started, I decided to focus more on story and not on character disign. Because mostly I took inspiration from vocaloid songs(you can tell this was a while ago) I decided to make them all Japanese so I could narrow their look way down compared to shapeless blobs in my mind.

Years past and I decided I didn’t like this anymore. I was ready to do the complete opposite and have a very diverse cast of characters. My strategy was to chose a culture in any where in the world, at any time, that most prioritized and valued what each element had to give and generally imbodied. Especially bc I wanted each character to be the most extreme form of their elements and often invisioned each character to be a political representative for each colony of element.

I good way to put this in perspective is to imagine I was making a communism OC so I made them Chinese or USA American. Basically that would chosenthose cultures bc it is something it generally is really extreme about and is known for.

My first real character disign was fire. I made her a Scottish pict, as I could give her red hair and have her be her full passionate and chaotic self.

All the other ones are up in the air. But I realized that it would be really cool to make tree be an African person with a 4c type Afro and a long and skinny body type. That’s the most tree like I could have made someone! I was so happy and got really attached to my black tree character. I new that Africa was huge and old, and that’s not even counting the West Indies. Of course I could find a culture that was tree-like. All I needed to do was look.

All of this screeched to a hault today. I decided to look up the tree personality after years and years and was met with something heart breaking.

Aggressive, angry, reckless, arrogant, etc. this reminds me of the angry black stariotype mixed with the newer unreasonable blm protester one.

I’m unsure if I’m being too paranoid or if I’m being reasonable when I say that I’m not sure if I can make tree black. Even though the negitive descriptions are for when tree is unbalanced, it still doesn’t make it okay imo.

From a writers perspective, it makes snese to start characters at when they are unbalanced, because then it’s an easy wrote to character development. Even if I don’t do this, I have no choise but to make this character aggressive sometimes if I truly want to stay true to Tree.

For perpective here’s the other elements’ triats from Wikipedia

Fire also is aggressive. And also waters positive and negative traits are opposites. Earth is a mix of all elements so im imagining earth may also be aggressive when unbalanced. Do you think I can make this work or should I change tree’s race?

Fire is a white Celtic. And I’m unsure what culture I want earth to belong to. I’m thinking of making water be a Samoan(not sure what time period), metal is still Japanese for now but I am unsure if that still fits my change in casting intentions so that’s probably going to change. Basically what I’m saying is that I’m only really going to have one white character, bc I want the cultures to be spread out throughout the map.

I know black people are often forced to constantly be on their toes in turns of wether or not something is anti black and if they are unsafe in that environment. I’m not black, but I belong to multiple minority groups and I understand that feeling to a terrifying degree. The last thing I would want is to make a choise that resembles anti black caricatures and put black poeple in the position of wondering if I dislike them or if they are unsafe around me.

I understand that feeling, and I don’t want to put poeple throguh taht. I still want to have a super inclusive cast, but I’m also aware that I have to be very careful as a white writer. Even though my intentions were good, I accidentally associated a black character with aggressiveness and that’s extremely hurtful. I’m also aware that if I represent a black character well, it can be uplifting to a black audience that I took so much care to learn about an African culture and put it in a positive light.

I remember when I was a baby gay and I came across this channel run by a cishet who dedicated a large protion of his videos to calling out lgbt phobia and premoting the idea that we deserve to have rights and to feel safe and happy as who we are. I was in awe a cishet would do taht for us and felt personally touched. I want to be able to do something that other people feel that same way about, because it’s truly a beutiful thing.

So...where do I go from here? Do I change trees race to a different one? Please be honest. I know I say I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria, but that dosnt mean you can’t criticize me. It only means taht you have to be careful and not angry. I truly want to make this story the best it can be, and I want to know if I’m doing the right thing if I change tree’s race to something else. 

I want all people to feel safe while experiencing my work(idk if it will be a book or what, it’s very early in development).

I have no intention on making tree a villain, instead a good character who is the sweetest person you can meet. I feel like I would make fire much more angry and aggressive bc of the Scottish pict emphasis on war and and never backing down, to make my intentions clear.

But even then, that doesn’t change that tree is so connected to anger. And I’m not sure how I can work with that so if doesn’t seam like an anti black stariotype

Anger, anger, anger. I don’t knwo what to do. Please help, preferably black users because yall definitely know heaps more about this than me as a white person.

Please knwo that I mean well, and I’m never intended to make my tree character black if I remembered how heavily it’s associated with anger. All I remembered was the optimism and happiness, as I am sensitive to negativity and my brain probably forgot about the dark side of tree on purpose when I was 11 and didn’t even think of making tree black. I’m so disappointed in myself and I promise you I can do better. I just need some guidance. I’m sorry to anyone I may have let down. I hope I can grow form this and make this story the best it can be.

Edit: I think it’s also nessissary to note that the positive triats are for when the person is in balance or in a good head space, the negative ones for the opposite. That’s why the negative and positive triats seam like opposites, bc that’s what they are. Idk if I made that clear so I’m adding it now!

[strangerthingsharrington]

Can’t Fight This Feeling

-12-

Once everyone came down from the shock of everything we started talking. Trying to think of something, anything, to get us out of the position we were in.

But..it was almost midnight and Dustin and Erica started showing their exhaustion. Erica fell asleep first with Dustin going about ten minutes later. Robin pushed through a little longer but she fell asleep leaning against one of the walls.

I was past the point of exhaustion and had new energy. I sighed and leaned against some of the boxes, trying in vain to relax.

A few feet away sat Steve, running a hand through his hair.

"Well?" I asked him.

He looked back at me questioningly, "Well?" he echoed.

"What are we going to do?" I asked.

He sighed, "I have no idea, I mean, none of the buttons work and we can't climb out...I have no idea."

I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes, "The walkie talkie?" I wondered.

He hummed, "Maybe, but there's no point now since it's so late. Doubtful anyone would even hear it."

I bit my lip, "So we're just...stuck."

I heard him shuffling so I looked over to him and sat that he moved to sit right in front of me, our legs just a few inches away from each other.

"For now," he stated, "we're gonna get out of here...it just won't be through the elevator right now. When the doors open-"

"We'll have to fight," I finished simply.

He grinned at me, "Or be sneaky and get out," he raised his brows.

"Or be sneaky," I agreed, "how would we do that though?"

He sighed, "I'm not sure," he admitted, "that's the problem...it might have to be an on the move kinda plan that we can't plan for."

I knew he was right. We didn't know what was behind the doors. We didn't know what we were going to have to do. We wouldn't know what to do until the last possible second.

"Shit," I whispered.

"Hey," Steve softly said, causing my eyes to flash to him, "I was serious when I said I wouldn't let anything happen to Dustin, you know?"

I smiled back cautiously, "I know."

He cleared his throat, "That extends to you too, okay? I won't let anything happen to either of you...Robin and Erica too, obviously," he added, "I swear it."

"Thanks Steve," I told him.

Steve stretched his legs out in front of him, which put them next to my legs, "You happy to be almost done with school?" he questioned.

I sighed straightening my legs out too. It clicked in my head in an instant. Could this be the moment where I got all my feelings about King Steve off my chest? So that maybe every time I looked at Steve I wouldn't have this subconscious fear of whatever he was thinking about? Could this be the moment I, finally, stand up for myself the way I should've against them for years?

I cleared my throat and looked away from him, "Yeah, this is finally gonna be a good year I think, so I'm more looking forward to that."

"Finally?" he asked, puzzled.

I let my eyes ghost over him for a second before looking down at my lap, "Yeah...now that some certain kids are gone, I might actually have a pleasant school year."

I took a peak up at him and say his eyes watching me intently, "Who?"

Just as quickly as my semi bravery came, it was gone. I realized I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything. 

I looked down once again, "Tommy and Carole mostly...but um," I bit my lip, wishing I could backtrack and not say anything else, but I was too far gone, "you were there for one big one."

"What?" he blurted, shocked.

I took a breath and looked up at him, seeing the sadness already evident on his face, "When Tommy told me you had a crush on me? Then you laughed and told him how messed up that was. You also called me Lisa so..."

He sighed deeply and rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, "Shit," he whispered quietly, "I honestly don't remember that...but yeah that sounds like something douchy Steve would be involved in," Steve lamented, as I watched his body semi deflate as this realization.

I shrugged my shoulders gently, "You definitely were."

He ran a hand through his hair before bringing his knees up to his chest, "That's not...me anymore, Lou," he expressed, wrapping his arms around his knees.

I shot him a small smile, "So I've been told," I told him before sighing heavily, "Steve I don't-I dont necessarily think thats you anymore either...but that was just such a shitty thing, and I really wanted to get it off my chest."

He let his legs stretch out once more and his mouth fell open, "Is that...is that why you hadn't really talked to me when I started hanging around with Dustin? Or why you seemed a bit standoff-ish at the beginning of all this?" he wondered watching for my reaction.

I looked away from him as I nodded slowly.

"Lou," he breathed, I looked back to him and saw the regret in his eyes, he looked so sad, "I'm really sorry...about all of that," he told me earnestly, fidgeting with the hem of his scoops ahoy shirt.

I smiled a little and looked away from him, "Thanks."

"Please don't...accept the apology unless you...really accept it. I was a true asshole in school, and I just-shit," he said, looking up to the ceiling, "I know how much of a jerk I was to a lot of people, Lou. You included, same with Jonathan and probably Robin too."

"Steve," I began, "Steve, please look at me," I pleaded.

He took a second but he finally lowered his head and made eye contact with me.

"I know that...that was all high school shit and maybe it was to save face with Tommy H and Carole...regardless, yeah you kinda sucked in high school," I rambled, trying to get to my point, "but that doesn't seem like you now. And I wasn't bringing this up to make you feel bad or to upset or hurt you...it's just been something that's been weighing on me for so long, then we're thrown into this madness together. I just wanted to get this off of me so that I coukd start dealing with it instead of bottling it up."

"Trust me, I'm happy you brought it up," he told me, "I don't want you to have this version of me in your head anymore. The shit I did to a lot of people was-it was really messed up. I can't change it, but I can try and change the way you think of me going forward."

"I appreciate that a lot, Steve, really I do," I admitted, "we really don't have to keep talking about this...it's been said so we can just...continue onwards."

"Just before we move forward or whatever, I just...shit," he sighed running both hands through his hair before looking back to me with an intensity I hadnt seen before from him, "I will never intentionally hurt you, Louise. Seriously, I-I was a jerk back then, not that that's an excuse, but that's the truth. And I'm so sorry you've carried that around with you all this time, it should have never happened. I'm just...so sorry. Really, really from the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry."

I was taken aback a bit because of his response to this. I never once thought he would react to this the way he did. With absolute sincerity and honesty and admitting how much of a jerk he was. I couldnt believe it.

"Thank-you, Steve," I said, breathlessly, "that means a lot to me."

He grinned sadly at me briefly before his eyes looked downcast. I looked away from him to give him his space after all of that. He finally spoke up after a few minutes.

"So I mean...have you started looking at colleges yet?" he asked quietly.

I smiled over at him, "A few...I think im gonna stay local though, be close to mom and Dust...especially knowing all this now, I'll wanna be as close as I can be," I chuckled.

"What about you? Where are you headed this year?" I asked him.

"To Scoops Ahoy," he answered automatically.

I squinted, "Oh...so no college?"

He cleared his throat, "No...I figured that I'd take a year off and work, you know, learn the value of earning and all that shit. Then figure out what I wanna do."

"That's smart, Steve," I smiled.

He shook his head with a small smile, "Honestly I just wanted to see if my story was as believable to people as I wanted it to be. Truthfully, I didn't get into any school that I wanted and my dad said I needed to get a job...and that's the scoops ahoy story."

I immediately felt bad for him, "I'm really sorry, Steve."

He shrugged, "Hey...that's life I guess. I proved my dad right that I wouldn't amount to anything other than working for him so...I mean, you heard what he said...I'm his biggest disappointment," he mumbled.

"What do you want to do?"

"What?"

"What do you want to be when you're older?"

He scratched his head, "Oh...I dont know, I guess. I've never really thought of it too much.  What about you?"

"I want to be an accountant, I've done my moms taxes for the last few years just for fun before she gave them to the actual accountant and I've always been right. I like numbers and stuff," I explained, feeling self conscious that he would think I'm a nerd or something.

"That's a good one," he nodded with a smile, "you're really smart, Lou. You could literally do anything, I think."

My face flushed at his words, "Thanks," I said softly.

He hesitated with a thoughtful expression, "Maybe a teacher," he finally said, "I like hanging out with your brother and the other kids in the party for the most part...I like imparting my wisdom on them and helping them out...yeah...a teacher sounds good," he said with a very faint smile, but the smile was gone in an instant.

"But no school will take me for that...my grades were shit, no one would want me teaching their kids," he declared with an eye roll before looking to the wall.

I put my hand on his knee and shook it to get him to look at me, "Go and talk to the principle or something...maybe they can help out somehow? Taking night classes or something so you can bring your grades up?"

"Yeah that'd look good, Steve Harrington returns to Hawkins High because he got rejected from every school he applied to," he said sarcastically.

I scoffed, "No, it would look like, Steve Harrington returns to school to work towards a better life for himself."

"I'd probably flunk those classes too," he said dejected.

I scooted up so we were closer to each other, and took his hand in mine, looking right in his eyes, "Steve...you've gotta have faith in yourself. If you don't wanna work for your dad then don't work for him. If you don't want to turn out like him, then don't. Nothing is stopping you. You're young, Steve, you can make something of yourself. And you're smart-"

"Not really-"

"Yes you are! You can acknowledge things that you did wrong in the past, you helped with the plan for getting in here, and you're gonna help get us out! I dont know who's been telling you that you're not smart, but they're wrong. Just put your mind to something, Steve, and you'll get whatever it is that you want," I squeezed his hand as I spoke.

He sent me a small smile, "You should re think your career choice and become a motivational speaker."

I laughed quietly, "I'll think about it."

"But seriously, thank you for that...that huh...yeah that means a lot to have someone say that," he explained, putting his other hand over ours.

"No problem," I smiled, "and I'll help you too, Steve. Picking classes, with homework, studying, I'd be happy to help."

"Thank-you," he murmured.

I smiled at him before sliding myself back against the wall, letting his hand go gently in the process.

"So...when the door opens..."

"I'm telling you, I can take them on," he told me, "whoever is on the other side, I'll take them out!" he joked.

I laughed quietly, "I'm sure you will," I said through a yawn.

"Get some sleep, Lou," he told me gently, patting my knee.

I hummed and leaned my head against the wall, "You have too, to."

"I will," he promised.

I sighed, "Close your eyes too, Steve," I said as my eyelids closed by themselves.

"I will, Lou, I swear," he reassured me, with his hand still on my knee.

"Night, Steve," I whispered wearily.

"Night, Louise," he whispered soothingly back to me.

——

Title credit to REO Speedwagon and gif credit to owner

[ragingwave]

⊱ ┉ { Too Shy To Reach Out? Meme } ┉ ⊰

So I decided to go a different approach in responding to this meme. I won’t lie and say I quietly reblogged it as a way for me to reach out to others who do better expressing themselves through the meme and as a way to gauge why it’s been a little harder in recent days for me to catch some interactions. ( mostly from people I haven’t interacted with before, yet I follow ) Cause I get it 1000% that sometimes it’s easier for some to drop a symbol and keep going. 

Yet at the same time, the nature of some of the responses...put me off. Not in a heated / negative way at the person sending them, but I did feel disappointed in what I received. So I decided to make this post to address the top two concerns I got the most. They’re things I feel like I say all the time, yet i’ve never felt so inclined to get this candid about it. I will answer the responses privately, because I don’t want to put persons on blast and I feel like with this meme a direct answer is my best way to reach out.  So in advance, I don’t mean to come off insensitive or snide in what I have to say but for the first time on my blog, in relation to my followers and those interested in interacting with me, i’m going to be real. If I upset anyone, sorry. If you feel slighted, sorry too. 

☾ - I don’t know how to approach you

It’s true, I don’t reblog interaction memes often or post starter calls. Occasionally i’ll do an inbox call here or there, but that’s about it. I hardly do them though not because I don’t want to, but because I know myself where nine times out of ten, I don’t follow through on writing or responding to them all. Which leaves people hanging AND while i’m sure people don’t mind, I know how disappointing that can be if someone doesn’t follow through.

YET, I do always throw out memes if people reblog them. At least I try when I see people I haven’t interacted with reblog them. Sometimes through those I ask to continue it as a thread, but as of recent time hasn’t let me do that as often as I did. I’m always on the look out for people reblogging memes cause I love sending them.

But y’all? Aside from that, you can always do what you did for this meme.

Message me. Drop an inbox, send me an IM.

That is literally the best way to approach me or really, approach anyone. That’s how we find the writing partners we’re close to right? We send them a meme or ask them a question about their muse. We reach out to a complete stranger and end up finding some of the best interactions for our muses! Even if it’s just saying ‘hey! that meme you sent, would you want to continue that in a thread?’ or ‘I want to write with you, but I don’t know how our characters can interact. Do you have any ideas?’ Taking that initiative shows that you have interest. And if you reach out, I do my best certain I have the energy to reach back. Even if you sent me something once, i’m going to fix my eye on sending you things back in return. Honestly, i’ve been in this writing game for so long at this point I actually don’t mind carrying the weight to get us started brainstorm ideas for our muses interact. And that’s only since i’ve seen genuine interest from the other end to take out the time to message me. If you give, you’ll definitely get.

which brings me to the second, probably most sent symbol

☄ - I’m super anxious about EVERYTHING

First of all, i’m really sorry to hear that! It’s fair to say that we all experience anxieties over things in life. Some crippling, some discomforting. I will never discredit anyone’s anxiety, especially with approaching someone.

But y’all.

Y’all.

When you think about it, if we all let our anxiety take the best of us, how is this dash moving? How are you all interacting at all? If we’re ALL so shy and anxious to reach out we’d be better off looking at each other’s blogs and twiddling our thumbs. 

For any person you want to approach for roleplay, on this god forsaken blue hell site that we all spend leisurely time on, the most they can say is yes or no. 

Yes sure we can write! or No, i’m sorry!

And then it’s all over. Said and done.

No one’s going to reach through the screen and chokehold you for messaging them. Everyone usually wants to be messaged first right? It might take an extra breath, you might have to fight through a fluttering stomach to hit send. But between you and that message you’re too anxious to send might be your next best friend, your newest partner in crime, or that sparkling ship you’ve been dreaming about. 

Or you can just lay on being anxious as an excuse as not to reach out. “I’m just anxious to interact.” You say as you respond to the memes from the people you’ve grown comfortable with. Some people even, say it as though its a proud fact that they’re just anxious about everything. Excuse me for expressing myself here, but that’s really sad. Blocking yourself out like that from new people and new friends to step into your life. I only bring this part up because, I used to do that. I really did, I liked my comfort zone and the bubble that knows me. But I tell you, it’s just a breath and a jump to step out of what you know. That’s how you experience things and get a taste of all the fun that you’ve been cutting yourself short of out there. 

I am a very empathetic person. So, honestly, if there’s a real severe issue of anxiety I feel for you. I’m sorry, I hate that you have to deal with that. 

But i’m not here saying that ‘anxiety is fake, screw your anxiety and give me more interactions’. No. I’m saying that while it’s there it is something that can be worked through. It is something that takes courage, and for something to be seen as a hobby as roleplaying is, reaching out probably won’t hurt you. Especially for interactions sake. 

I didn’t mean for this to get so so long, but i’ve been sitting on the thoughts since the first few messages I got and I wanted to express myself. If this discomforts someone from interacting, that’s fine, it wasn’t my intention but I just wanted to share some words and drop a bit of a say on this blog, which I rarely do. 

Anyhow, thank you for everyone who sent something! I really appreciate the time and the feed back! I’ll get to you soon! ♥

[justinayka]

How Jacksepticeye and Markiplier Comunnity looks like? {Demographic/Statistic}

I remember this question very clearly.  

How our community looks like?

Not Mark’s or Jack’s separately but as one big fandom of both. I was curious how many people have problems with making friends in here and as also who have a lot of them. How old they are. From which part of world they came from, everything. So around May I decided to make a questionnaire, with few questions about you know, basic stuff.

You have no clue how scared I was.

You may think what was the cause of that, but I am gonna tell ya. I was afraid of being ignored, still I am but then Jesus Christ I was prying for this project to worked out.

And it worked.

Not by my preys, but thanks to you and your power.

Yes, you have an incredible power which you don’t know about, yet.

And together, you are amazing. You are able to defeat all inconvenience, that you can make other person more alive, bright and confident about themself.

Because of you and your will, you made this project even possible. Without you and your encouragement, nothing like this would ever happened.

I didn’t do anything, it’s your work and you should be proud of yourself. Like for real!

Thank you so much, If I could, I would hug every one of you!

Now I will show you how each one of us, is wonderful, beautiful and astounding in on own way.

Fandom

I apologize that some of charts look differently from each other, but I assure you that data in them is accurate.

Role in Comunnity

I honestly never made someone I could call bestfriend or just friend. I have people I know, but not that I would tell them my biggest desires and secrets. No I am non an agressive person, I have problems though. I hope that doesn’t make me look bad.

It wasn’t a new thing for me to see, a lot of people can’t afford trips to another city, country or to just buy one ticket. I had even on mind creating a post, thing which was supposed to be about not mentoning that you, as a person is going to tour, posts like “Hey guys I am going to Jack show tonight!”, I mean cool that you or someone else can be there but I think about the others. I don’t mean in it in rude way, I am just afraid that because of posts like that, somebody will think of themselves as a pathetic person, get more depressed. I remember how many times I cried because of that, I blamed myself that I am not good enough, I deserved to be not a part of it and other horrible things . Although I didn’t do anything about this idea, cause I was scared, scared that people would yell at me and call me evil. And again I didn’t have any bad intentions in mind, I just thought about those who couldn’t and still can’t go see Jack or Mark.

Sexual Orientation

Gender

I was up again, surprised especially with the male part. I thought that it will be 50/50 but nope, it seems that we, fangirls, rules in comunnity. Just kidding everybody no matter  what gender, sexuality is, they are also an important member of comunnity.

Age

Disorders, illness etc

t was the toughest part of chart to make, not only I had a problem to put this in some logical way, but also having number before my very eyes. I am myself an Aspie (person with Asperger Syndrome) so contacting with people can be sometimes not at easy tasks, not mention that I can’t it (depends on second person) hold relations for very long, but I am learning you know, I am trying to be more confident or social, but sometimes Social Anxiety, gets on me.

Country

I am in shock, how many countries are here. In some cases one person belongs from one country and another one from different one. I wasn’t surprised to see U.S at top, but seeing few people from Poland made my heart fluttered.

I hope that what I said earlier made any sense, my hands were shaking full of excitement while writting it.

And here are people which made this project real, who decided to take their time to do questionnaire. Hug them, respect, reblog their stuff, like support, show that they are a great people.

((Sorry guys that I tagged you but I have to make sure that you get a notification about it and not everyone has open PM or Ask Box))

@inferablossom

@gingerandcelery

@thequeenofsupersarcasm

@booperdooper780

@toffee-coffee-bean

@novasingalaxies

@probablyghosting

@grudgegirl64

@echoing-night

@fangirljeffy

@the-silent-screamer

@starlightxnightmare

@psychic-ga1axy

@kawaiifun17

@sicut-anima

@thesinginggal

@rachel-wayward

@cassandwhich246

@eternalbomb

@loveylyy

@linzpie

@dragongirlz1

@kisskissimgay

@kanokelip

@nope-nope-ha-nope

@spaceweather2015

@stormastrote

@colorspictures

@cjsfandoms

@celestialclod

@lordvoidghost

@rabidrabbitsrabato

@impossiblerebelblaze

@alex-new-life

@awasteofyourtime

@softlybobby

@no-life-no-problem

@ambaralbatros

@fckingbs

@mersers-moonypadfoot-prongs

@crankywankiplier

@nerdytrashh

@dottiewonderland

@madness016

@koderkat

@robin-galaxies

@pepsi-meth

@not-quite-here-yet

@kawaiihani

@frukinghell

@markiplitesaway

@flappiestspookster

@cyndernova

@xxashwiixx

@halcyonhaunting

@ugabemenightmares

@animal-lover76

@zaptoes

@scarlett-galega

@mmmirkabat

@afternoonchai

@why-fren

@the-redhead-who-writes

@magic-fandoms

@lilwendy3

@lizziebirb

@senpai-iplier

@atruedonaldist

@imalosersodontfollowme

@sonyasophie363

@izelletn

@iartsam-sideblog

@eonthewingedwolf

@nokeki

@positively-random

@im-just-a-b-isch

@septicedits

@alex-demonboi

@aquilacalvitium

@thatpersonwithmultipledrawings

@multifandomblogger1817

@glitchlesspuppet

@loucid-lines

@abby5577

@chara-sanders-plisetsky

@artistic-insomniac

@yuseifudo2002

@septicaye

@devin-nicholas

@tylerthepancake

@snowthefox123

@a-h-e-l-p-i-n-g-h-a-n-d2140

@rainidaydreamer

@incorrect-anti-quotes

@jeniferlion

@a-bad-poem

@phantastic-cuddler

@doodlesrune

@starjames-pma

@merciignoremoi

@thecatchat

@brieflycraftycollectoruniverse

@septicuniverse

@antiseptic-updates

@danandphilsmom

@skipperwolf19

@katierose100

@ego-headquarters

@frcmnowcn

@belladonnachaos

@klaristhewhovian

@beep-boop-sneep-snoop

@rainbowcookie666 ( Good old’ Czech pal go subscribe them ) 

@shirowolfy

@daydreaminglifelesslove

@mexicanesecat

@space-is-where-i-belong

@artemispowell

@aquariana131

@hanwritestrash

@meiancholythoughts

@tinypuffballofanger

 @brooklyn-mooon

@natalie-the-artist

@dragonartist-68

@septicz

@antipocalypse

@miserykillme

@neo-ophelian

@opalofundertale

@thewinterunicorn

@steg-o-sore-us

@radha-the-introvert

@save-jacksepticeye

@macaffect

@katielovesyoutubers35

@edgy-orangutan

@leoepard

@halfbloodhacker

@thunderyoke

@fun-with-colors

@sophchoph

@verobrunhi (Thank you so much for your suggestion for the design of charts buddy. You know that I should seperate them by topic/theme ^^)

@cooperationiskey

@the-king-of-lemons

@detective-jay

@misslovey32

@gay-purple-love

@rachaeladuncan

@joethecoffeeaddict

@kaylynnseptic

@kiralycann

@the-sleepy-dragon

@nerdgiggly

@taylorschuyler13

@angelmae1682

@sassy-in-glasses

@rotoxi

@thespacestrawberry

@axolotlbeans

@yellowtoyou

@anastasiarose0

@septicstarssss

@egossideblog

@agarak101

@imagineusername

@lunny-moon

@probably-badgers

@aluissa

@love4jikook13

@crankycal

@flameheart2013

@sienna-jade

@vixi3303

@blood-n-ink

@midnxght-desire

@intortavus

@surviving-an-ocean-of-fandoms

@possum-babe

@downed-crystals

@random-awkward-person

@art2night

@aesthetic-vs

@mr-travisbingewagen

@thesalmontoruletheworld

@mamamidnight

@onplanetmars

@vity-dream

@rose-specter

@aku-anon

@1dlover2000posts

@iceddarktoast

@shipperroyalty

@crystalthecookiecat

@wafflemuggler

@justtheaverageblog1

@heyitzmelauren

@flashdoesstuff

@jinxgolden5

@opera25

@random-rambutan

@freshdreamlandblizzard

@mollydoesfanart

@fcfander

@virge-of-death

@lavenderamy

@loganandoli

@spacekittencue

@pombullian

@rendezvousramen

@lets-go-panic-at-discos

@hungryheaart

@satanicshamrock

@borderlinehannibal

@forevertaekook1

@bakingwithanxiety

@spaceiscool110406

@spencercharkins

@souhailqarro

@unsocialteen484

@opera25

@hotcocoachia

@choleson

@amethyst-trash

@katelyneprice250

@crowthered

@xperidottix

@miathefangirlwriter

@edgytrashhh

@limpadoodle90

@verysheepcollectionsposts

@tabt-solskin

@jacksepticeye-podcast-official

@kitkatkatester

@maybekatie

@reytenstiel

@dburton1997

@meme-brat-likes-cats

@in-tenebris-inanis

@omniastral

@queen-katie-moo

@my-glasses-hurt

@crymaticartwork

@ghostkingisemotrash

@theneocaliber

@quietjosie

@goldentrashchild

@supernova8902

@corroded-concerto

@vi-metrics

@sepporahs-blog

 @wollowywillowy

@wereallcompost

@catawampuslikecrazy

@glitch-betch

@berrie-b

@xblitch-gitchx

@longhairanimallover

@pianotoyourforte

@tiredbeanbean

@markfischfuckingbach

@mlmcisco

@lillieflower

@tgdraws

@thelaughingstock101

@littlewidowlovesu

@neonnekoftw

@j-u-s-t-sam

@errorundyne-exe

@smallapple4231

@kirbearofficial

@theantihost

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@septicpier

@nikkashidashipper

@fandomsarelifex

@imdoingthisironically02

@pandarume

@wilford-motherluvin-warfstache

@mlafolol

@lynnwolf

@cheekbonesandleafhoes

@boredgirl31

@breisadork

@thatonegirrl16

@writeasoph

@flubbernucked-boi

@katara0524

@teenytinyrayofsunshine

@myhomosexuallyfakeromance

@theinvisiblespoon

@nocturnaljim

@xxnerdgamergirlxx

@mudgelet

@septicsystem

@arttedri

@faleaflet

@just-a-fancy-biscuit

@beaniebopp

@beepa99

@stardayze

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@millsandmoons

@nova-raine

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@amycampbell00

@justafellowfan

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@part-of-me-do-not-know-the-rest

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@youtube-banshee

@bluestbirb

@ode-to-mr-miserable

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@daughter-of-anti

@jackjames-exe

@corrupted-truths

@i-forgot-my-theme

@painting-peyton

@writer-heeg

@memequeenjojo

@reelgals

@boondockelement

@the-awesomeness-of-randomness

@iceddarktoast

@booperdoopcr

@ihadnobetterideasforaurl

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@alsobooperdoopcr

@jackspedicyman

@markiplopp

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@coffeebles

@noxflower

@lebeaulunestuff

@omg-itotallyshipit

@kitkat1003

@out-drowning

@spicy-sinner-blog

@randomgrove254

@megmcgoober

@daggerkid

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@thereisnoneedtocallmesir

@applesaturn

@tht1person123

@the-crazy-drawer

@trippytyyler

@paradox-brody-chase

@teresadragon

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@but-jesuschrist-im-never-good

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@acciobananamilk

@crxnky-ash

@missrainbowsheep

@fishisblue

@obviouslypancakes

@ninjadragon90

@uwumadison

@sassyanimewriter

@genericfangirlnumber4

@pepsi-is-me-2

((I am so so sorry if I forgot to put someone’s name on the list ;-;))

People who are amazing not only for what they do but also for who they are and I think they would like this project a lot. 

@run-stray-wolf

@staticcalling

@kanjisabez

@jeffreymorosofi

@let-the-dragon-drag-on

@egoimagines

@egosimagines

@ethansnestor

@celestialmarkiplier

@happytrans

@coolboxofcandy

@nuclearsugarbomb

@susansepticeye

@thewingedwhitewolf

@space-pups

@cryptikats

@lost-inhibitions

@boopymooplier

@yuxaru

@mr-sketcha

@chair01

@squabblingwriter

@cinnamon-grump

@markiemooo

@darkstachio

@caslover13

@paddart

@turquoisemagpie

@fischyplier

@hope-ysl

@piligy

@crazions

@xansinarts

@van-arts

@comicbooksforever

@tycr0by

@mrs-sakurai

@afimeatur

@aileenarip

@samanthasabila

@darkiplierblog

@mrkmoo-autumn

@marielgum

@markired

@sokodraws

@bechuman

@eerie-agateophobia

@bratniadusza

@puppyrelp

@imagine-ego-trash

@demonicdavina

@artist-in-space

@badly-drawn-jacksepticeye

@lum1natrix

@pap-is-loud

@pacaora

@haleyscomett-art

@pigeon-latte

@echosherr

@starridge

@sambloom

@softdarkiplierimagines

@xmoonyxbunnyx

@markandthemarks

@rare-magpie

@boinkrz

@betterbegoob

@kiyoshilia

@rustybean

@cheapcookiez

@theprincessoffish

@barfiplier

@spoonycorn

 @konoira

@veykun

@manguowl

@jacof-alltrades

@xylorieren

@d-structive

@therealjacksepticeye

@markiplier

@jacksoopticboop

[feel199x]

 gang!au, gang member!han jisung, florist!reader, underground band!au

chapters: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X masterlist

warnings: angst and themes of abuse and trauma

🌸 a/n: i actually finished this fic, and it’ll be up in my queue to post over the weekend! it’s kind of exciting to be finally finishing this fic! a hint  for the next chapter is at the end!! hehe

🌸 song rec: arsonist’s lullaby

Your eyelids were still heavy when you awoke. In front of you, though your eyes still blurry you made out a flower vase. You tried to move, suddenly desperate to feel the petals against your fingertips. Even though they were azaleas, petunias, globe amarths, carrot flowers, and asphodels- all dressed in a void black vase. You knew what it meant, you knew what it threatened. But you found your arms sore, propped up and irritated from the handcuffs that hung from the ceiling. As you looked down, your head getting too heavy for your neck to support, you found yourself surrounded eglantines, lemon and peach blossoms, lungworts, phlox, and red rose petals. You couldn’t help but let out a choked sob, your wrists burning, the metal digging into your skin. You arms stayed propped up, but the numb feeling began to spread through your body. You didn’t even look up as he came in, even as he made sure to slam the door shut.

“You know why you’re in here?” You didn’t answer, your voice all used up from crying. You could feel his fingers on your jaw, propping your face up so you could look straight up at him. You couldn’t make his face out completely, your vision blurred but not fading. There were already bruises there you knew, and he pressed down on them further. “Do you? I try so hard to control myself, and here you are, still acting up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you? I should just leave you here, let you learn your lesson.”

His thumb rested against your chin, looking at you intently- what could almost be mistaken as sympathy. It was deja vu, sitting there like a doll. “But I can’t resist you, can I?” No, you guess he couldn’t. That was the funny thing, right? He couldn’t expect to, how could he resist these primal urges? He talked and talked about nothing, and you were glad that you couldn’t pay attention to his words anyway, mind foggy and complacent. “I even brought you flowers. You didn’t have these in your shop, huh? So I got them. I’m a good husband.”

“Husband?”

“Good thing you’re pretty.” He got up, reaching over you and pulled something off your, well, ring finger. “See that? That cost more than your stupid shop.”

Stupid shop.

He slipped it back on, sitting back down next to you as he continued to talk.

“How long,” you paused, voice weak and raspy, quiet, “has it been?”

He seemed surprised by your question, eyebrows digging into his forehead in sudden anger. He got up and paced around the cramped room, not even bothering to watch him as you stared down at your own clothes- crinkled and dirty. “Why do you care?” he seethed, “I could treat you better than he ever could. A low-level drug dealer and a shitty, amateur rapper. Do you see lover boy here? No, you don’t. ‘Cause he’s dead.”

You let out a small gasp, tears brimming at the corners of your eyes and you looked at him. “What did you do?” you weeped, “Please- please, please tell me what you did.” His pacing came to a stop as he looked at you, face contorted with anger. “I got my co-workers to shoot him and friends dead, that’s what I did. Because you’re mine. Always and forever.”

You didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t- he couldn’t exactly be trusted. You grew impulsive, angry with him. Jisung would never, Jisung could never. He wasn’t that type of person- he could never take advantage of people, he could never keep something like that from of you. And here your captor was, smothering ash over Jisung’s name. But you knew he wasn’t lying about shooting Jisung and his friends, even if you didn’t want to believe it. He had tried the same thing with your family back then too. You felt guilty, at fault like you were the one behind the trigger. Anger bubbled like sparkling in your throat like bubbling water, steaming with impulsivity.

“You should kill me too then. I’d rather rot in the ground next to Jisung than spend another second looking at you.”

You knew your goal should’ve been to play the long game, especially after your failed attempt some time ago. How long has it been? You weren’t sure, there weren’t any windows in the room- and the white painted walls burned into your eyes. If you made him angry now, it would only take longer to gain his trust, but the damage was already done- you could feel the blood pouring out of the back of your head. You might’ve been dying, but you didn’t really care. You couldn’t even feel the pain from the hit from the adrenaline, so you continued to push your luck. Because it was true, Jisung had kept you going, your shop had kept you going. How would you ever be able to look another flower without seeing his face?

“He loved me better than you ever did and he didn’t even ask me to be his lover yet. Lover boy is better than you even dream about.”

It wasn’t like you to speak out of your turn, especially with the looming threat of death. You were too far gone, the warmth of blood streaming down your back. The bruises on your jaw from your grip deepening in color as his grip tightened, yelling some nonsense.

Still, even as he looked into your eyes, his breath hot on you- all you could think about was Jisung. How could you not? Your mind swam through melancholy memories.

You were in his arms tonight. His arms drooped over your shoulder, his head pressed against yours- lips brushing against your jaw as he whispered commentary about the movie you were watching. You were leaning against his chest, feeling his heart beat against your back. Knees propped up as his legs circled around you.

“I love you,” he murmured, “probably more than like, shrek.”

“I would hope so, shrek doesn’t feed you,” you paused, “But I love you too.”

And it was true, but you were unsure of the extent of your infatuation and devotion he was refering to. You wanted to say you were in love with him, but it was too much of a risk. If you scared him off now, who would come by your flower shop to spend time with you? Who would carry you off your bed during the weekends just to go to the convience store. Who would wrap arms and limbs around you and sing you to sleep at night after nightmares, after remembering? Did it even matter? You’ve never felt like this before, the only thing that came close was your devotion was your flowers. Maybe it should’ve scared you, that suddenly there was someone with so much importace to you, on the same level as the only thing that got through the Incident. You turned your head, the side pressed against Jisung’s chest. His arms moved to wrap around you waist, tightening around you. Your nose was touching his, lips only a breath away- but he was crying.

“Jisung,” you said softly, “Why are you crying? You chose this movie.”

“Do you think people in love will always end up together?”

You laced your hands in his, intertwining the both of them. “Of course,” you whispered, “Love finds a way.”

You thought it would happen then, his lips practically on top of yours- but it didn’t. He turned from you, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down- something caught in his throat. “Even if the person lied?”

“I guess it depends on the ‘sung. As long as it wouldn’t change your perception of the person in a way that hurt the relationship too much, I think they could make it.”

“What if it did? What if the person wasn’t as good as you thought they were?”

“Sung, is something going on? You can talk to me, I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”

“You can’t. I can’t. We can’t.”

“Sung,” You cupped his face, making him look at you. You turned around, and his embrace loosened but remained around your waist. “I love you. You’re my best friend. I love you more than my shop. I promise that I always will, no matter the circumstances. You’re a good person, I know that. I promise, I pinky-promise.” You held up your pinky, and he brushed away his tears wrapping his finger around yours.

You don’t remember exactly what he had said before he left, something about a band dropping out of the club he played at. He had gotten a call and gathered his things almost immediately. You offered to go with him, you always wanted to see him live with his fans but he always refused. He said that it wasn’t your scene, and all grimy- it wasn’t somewhere you should be, not a play for someone pure as you. But you didn’t feel pure and insisted that he was the purer of you two. But it didn’t matter, when Jisung’s mind was set, it was set. He kissed your forehead, and before the door close he wrapped his pinky around yours without another word.

And then Jisung disappeared again.

It wasn’t the first time, but it was one of the longest. The days dragged on, the day having to pull and drag the night up into the sky. Even the sky’s star shined dimly, there only because of obligation. Ever since you started making arrangements back home at your mother’s flower store, you never liked roses much. But now you were starting to understand people’s obsession with them. It was an iconic symbol of love, everyone’s go-to, and you supposed there was a good reason for that. Its smell was sickeningly sweet, and the petals like velvet. You started getting letters in the mail. It happened every day. And even though you were flattered, you began to get worried. Worry arising.

After four months, you finally saw Jisung again. He kept somewhat in contact, but he had been busy. There were two months with complete radio silence, and one night you saw news coverage of shots fired in a car chase. You hadn’t put two and two together then, not even as you saw Jisung slightly limp as he moved around your store. You remember being conflicted about asking him, but as he kept telling you about his stories featuring his group members, you got lost.

That’s the night it all happened.

But before that, way before that. Maybe it really was love at first sight.

After the hose incident, you found Jisung lingering around your store until closing time. He had brought sweets every day for two weeks until you invited him back up to your apartment.

“Thank god,” he groaned, “My grandmother said if it didn’t work this time, she was going to interfere. Jokes on her, though, I’ve been stealing sweets forever.”

You laughed, getting bold after closing the shop and tugging at his wrist as you pulled him up the metal spiral stairs. “I would be more worried about Minho,” you teased, “you’d better not be slacking off during practice or he’ll chew you out.”

“Ew, ugh! Don’t remind me.”

“So, um,” you looked down, “What do you want to do?”

“Can I pick a movie?”

He had chosen a romance movie, you could’ve gone to the theater instead, but he insisted that he would pay you back for the fee- and that going to the theater would never be better than streaming at home. You didn’t mind romance movies, they were fun to watch. But during the less tense parts of the movies, you could feel yourself falling asleep and before you knew it your head was on his shoulder. If you were less sleepy, you would’ve freaked out as he pulled you closer is fingers lightly drawing shapes on your hips. You awoke when you felt Jisung’s chest heave and you looked up to see him crying. It was the first time you saw Jisung cry, and it broke your heart.

“Jisung, are you okay? We can change the movie if it’s too much…”

“No! Sorry, it’s just…”

“It’s just?”

“I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than love. I’m going to have a love like this one day. And I can’t wait. Thinking about makes me cry.”

 You were awake now. Eyes glazed over, still heavy with exhaustion and sleep. The blood down your back had dried now, you could feel your hair all bunched together and sticky with the flaky dried and blood. It was throbbing, pulsing almost- the headache was unbearable. How long has it been? How long would it be? You tried moving your legs, a numb static began to make you grow in discomfort. It was for the better though, because otherwise you would’ve felt the rope digging in and around your ankles. It was hard, you had to press your wrists further against the cuffs in order to help yourself. It was awkward, like a baby learning how to walk. It must’ve been hours when you stood there, the feeling finally returning to your legs. Your arms were relieved with the ability to relax, even if they were in an awkward position. They were still strung up, but at least your upper arm could relax.

The flowers in the room had been replaced, but the petals around you were starting to become crisp and brown. Alstroemerias, altheas, arbutus, red and yellow balsams, Japanese rose, jumpers, and kalmias. It made you shiver with disgust and fear. Where was he getting these flowers? Was he going back to your shop? 

You collapsed suddenly, your legs caving in on yourself. Your wrists pulled at harshly as your knees hit the floor. Have you eaten? You couldn’t have, how long has it been? Your stomach began to turn, you were hungry, but that was the least of your worries. Was Jisung really dead? What about his friends, Minho, Chan and everyone else? Were they dead too? How were you to expected to live with yourself, knowing you had brought his misfortune on all of them? If they were alive, how could you expect them to forgive you for the mess you had made? You couldn’t, and you would have to live with the guilt of hurting Jisung for the rest of your life. Because you knew it was dangerous, falling in love with someone knowing that it could be turned against you at any moment- but you did anyway. And now you had dug your own grave. Thoughts were growing difficult to form, the space growing through your coherent thoughts. All you could was feel.

How much time has passed? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes? All you knew was white. You could see the walls fill in the spots in your vision. It was irrational, but you began to hate the white painted walls. The lack of color was draining you, except for the vase in front of you. You wanted to kick it, destroy it completely- you wanted to move and release everything- every emotion and irrational thought boiling with impulsivity in your head. The only thought going through your head, getting louder and louder, blocking the diminishing number of coherent thoughts.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

You cried, even as dehydrated as you were. Your voice was raspy, and you couldn’t even speak words of comfort to yourself. You couldn’t remember, you couldn’t make them out.”It’s…going….to...be...okay.” Maybe it was pathetic but you were the only one you could lean on. You couldn’t hang on to the hope that someone was going to rescue you, especially if the only people you were dead- or angry because of the mess you had caused.

“Have you learned your lesson?”

You looked up, vision spotty and glazed with tears, and nodded desperately. You were mad at yourself for giving in so easily. “You’re pretty like this, “ he cooed, “All broken down and desperate.” He stroked your hair, fingers getting caught in your bloodied hair. “I bet you’re hungry, hm? I’m not going to let you go, so you’re going to have to let me feed you. I’d hate to have to...well, you know.”

You wish you didn’t.

 It felt like you were giving in as you ate, the food dry and difficult to swallow. He sat there for a while. The water he made you drink missed your mouth and streamed down your neck. You sat there, helpless, unable to clean yourself. “What a pretty mess,” he murmured, “What a pretty mouth. Just for me.” You hated him, you did. You hated him like forest fire, like the damage of a natural disaster. He disgusted you, he was disgusting- time and time again, he had taken everything that mattered to you. And he won. You felt pathetic, useless. Jisung was dead, dead and gone and you felt like it was all your fault. It made you shake, your heart thumping against your ribcage, begging to get out.

His phone rang, the ringtone burning in your ear. “Yes… I told you...Just get it...Dead.” He must’ve heard you lean against the metal cuffs, because he got up. He smiled, using his thumb to wipe the water off your lips. You were beginning to panic again, maybe it was a small chance that he was talking about Jisung and stray kids, but any chance was big enough to get worried. Before he closed the door, before you could give a second thought: “Help me take..a bath. Please.” Even with your soft, raspy and broken voice, it was enough to get his attention. Words were getting harder to form, it was getting to harder to even think- but you had to warn them, even if you don’t know what the danger was. Because if the call was about them, some of them were alive- and that meant you could clean up some of your mess, or at least make up for it. He ended the call quickly, uncuffing you. You arms immediately dropped, hands slamming against the floor.

“I knew you would come around. But you’d better behave. I don’t care if I have to hurt you to keep you complacent.” You watched as he pulled at your legs, untying the rope that kept your legs together. You struggled to get up, so he opted to carry you, throwing you over his back. It hurt your eyes to be flooded with color as he carried you to the bathroom. The bath ran and you sat in the warm water, he was watching you as he sat on the toilet cover. The feeling was returning to your body as the water in the filling bathtub lapped against you. “Help...me.” You didn’t want him to touch you, you never wanted to feel his fingers brush against your bare skin. You didn’t trust him, and you never would. Especially not after he did, or tried to do with Jisung. But more than anger, you felt guilt. It was overwhelming, contradictory feelings making your head spin even more. You shuddered as you felt the soap against your back.

“I missed you,” he murmured, “I’ve been searching for you for so long, waited for you so long.”

You swallowed hard, biting your lip as he continued. “I watched you for months. I wanted to take you and carry you away in the night, but I wanted to make him watch. He needed to know you were mine.” You felt hot water pour over your head, the bathtub becoming decorated in a red tint. “I almost gave up, I thought I had lost you completely. But then I saw you with lover boy. I wanted to kill him right there, I wanted to kill everyone but you. He gave a good fight though, beat the shit out of me. But guess who’s dead and who’s got the love?” He laughed at that, massaging something into your hair and picking at the flecks. You felt your wound burn and you moved to cover it, but he slapped your hand away. “Me. I won. You’re all mine, and if I ever see him again. I’ll kill everyone. I’m the only one who loves, okay? Not Jisung, not anyone else. You’re mine.” You heard him murmur that again and again. “I love you, you’re mine, mine.” You brought your knees to your chest, glad that the water hid the fact that you were crying. He didn’t push you to get up though, at least he was that decent. You watched as the red water swirled down the drain. He left and brought a towel, and your dress was clean and pressed. He sat on the toilet cover again, watching in case you wanted to pull something again.

This time you walked, content with being able to feel your weight shift as you walked. You knew this feeling, what it felt like to be completely devoid of basic powers. He led you back to the room, watching the phone in his back pocket. As you entered the room, you took an interest in the flowers. They were beautiful, despite what they meant. It was the only color in the white void of a room, and it mocked you. Your fingers caressed the petals, and the smell was haunting. Your heart was beating again, and you did your best to keep your face blank.

“Aren’t they nice? I got them just for you. You don’t even know what they mean, do you?

“No...tell me.”

“Nah. It’s a secret just for me.”

He moved to set up your ties again, and you got up, legs wobbling with a slight shake as your grip around the black vase tightened. It was now or never. It didn’t happen in slow motion- you knew that wasn’t possible. But you watched as the vase shattered against the back of his head, falling, bursting into tiny pieces as the flowers fell to his feet and he toppled. You knew there was no way he would be down for long, so you fished the phone out of his pockets. You panicked as you ran around the large house, searching for a room to hide in the meanwhile. His phone was locked, but you saw the screen unlock as you typed in your anniversary. You didn’t know where you were, a random room with various boxes. You slide the closet door open, met with the smell of mothballs but you entered anyway. There was a lot of stuff, and you piled things on top of you as you typed Jisung’s number.

It fell to voicemail, and you felt tears well up in your eyes.

“Jisung….it’s me….don’t have time, please...he’s send..ing...someone. Be safe..please...I’m in love.... with you. I’m sorry.”

You ended the call, typing in the emergency number.

“What’s your emergency?”

“I’m trapped...abducted.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“No.”

“Okay, stay calm okay? Please stay on the line as long as you can.”

“Can’t..he’s coming. Oh god, I’m as good...as dead.”

“Can you tell me his name please?”

“_____”

“____, as in the gang leader?”

“Yes.”

“I need you to stay on the line okay. Do you remember where you last were?”

“Boseong, my shop...flower shop..mirror.”

You heard the door slam open and the closet door slide open with a large creak.

“Sweetheart? Are you still there? Sweetheart, stay on the line. Is he in the room-?”

“Caught.”

azaleas: fragility

petunias: your prescense soothes me

globe amaranths: immortality, unfading love

carrot flowers: do not refuse me

asphodel in a black vase: death threat

eglatines: i wound to heal

lemon blossom: fidelity in love

peach blossom: i am your captive

lungworts: thou art my life

phlox: our souls are united, unanimity

alstroemerias: devotion

altheas: consumed by love

arbutus: love only for you

red balsams: touch me not, impatient resolve

yellow balsams: impatience

japanese rose: beauty is your only attraction

jumpers: asylum, aid, protection

kalmias: treachery

[the-gay-trashmouth]

Can’t you see i’m a little busy right now? (A-Z Prompt #3)

Rating: Teen

warnings: Period-typical homophobia, internalized homophobia

Era: Canon

Ship(s): Sprace, background Javid

Note: I would have had this done a lot sooner but my file corrupted the first time and i lost everything. But here it is and i hope you enjoy it even though it’s late!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Race loved to tangle his hands in Spot's messy brown hair. Whether they were kissing, cuddling, or just playing cards he always had his hands in his tangled mess of hair.

He did just that as Spot pressed his back against the wall of his private room in the Brooklyn lodging house. There were defiantly perks of being the so-called King, and the privacy was the one Race enjoyed the most. There's only so many times you can make-out in some dirty old alleyway without being caught.

Spot gripped his hips with a strange combination of aggressiveness and softness that Race absolutely adored. Race grinned into the Brooklyn leader's lips and pulled back, pure mischief in his eyes "ya' miss me or somethin'?"

Spot jerked him closer and muttered a "Shaddup will ya" before capturing his lips again. He happily complied, wrapping his arms around his neck almost and kissing him without another comment. This was a better way to spend his time anyways.

Spot bit his lower lip gently and he gasped just as the door opened.

"Hey, Conlon, Copper's been lookin' for ya'" Spot's second in command Spades froze in the doorway, only looking mildly surprised to see Spot pining the taller boy against a wall and Race's arms still around his neck.

"Can't ya see I's in the middle a' somethin' at the moment?" Spot pulled back just far enough that he could turn to look at her, hands still on race's hip and giving him a reassuring squeeze.

She rolled her eyes, "Whatever ya queer, just find 'im when you's done" she waved dismissively, shutting the door on her way out.

"Oh, to hell wit' ya'!" he called out after her before turning back to Race, who hadn't moved an inch during that whole interaction, "you's okay Racer?"

He finally snapped out of whatever trance he was in and pushed Spot away "How can you's be so calm about this? We's got caught, we's never got caught before!" he whisper hissed, glancing towards the door as if she would burst in at any second with an army of Brooklyn boys ready to soak him for somehow tempting their leader or whatever.

Spot gave him a confused look "Spades ain't gonna rat us out-"

"How d'ya know that?" he dug his nails into his arms and Spot took a concerned step towards him.

"Hey," he reached out to grab Race's hands and pried them off his arms "Trust me, I knows Spades, she ain't gonna rat us out"

It physically hurt Race to jerk his arms away, because Spot was using that soft tone of voice he reserved especially for Race. Just for when they were alone together, blocked away from the rest of the world and it was just them, and it hurt to pull away from that.

But he had too "I- I's sorry Spot, I gotta go" he clambered out the window and bolted down the fire-escape.

The only thing going through his mind as he made his way across the bridge was the muted crack he heard from the window as he left spot behind.

~~~~~

"A'ight, what's up wit you?"

Race turned lazily to look at Jack who was leaning on the bedpost of Race and Romeo's shared bunk. It was after selling hours but most of the boys had gone to Jacobi's. Race stayed behind.

"Nothin'" he grumbled, twirling his unlit cigar.

Jack rolled his eyes and shoved Race's feet off the bed to sit in their place "bullshit, you's been mopin' around all week"

Race sighed, falling back on his bunk and putting his lanky legs in Jack's lap obnoxiously. "I ain't mopin', I just can't go back ta Brooklyn no more," he said as nonchalantly as he could.

"What? Spot kick ya out or somethin'" Jack raised an eyebrow at him.

"Or somethin'..." he trailed off, lolling his head to the side and sighing.

Jack rolled his eyes again "so you's just gonna lay there an' mope cause Spot didn't kick ya' out?"

"Me an' Spotty just ain't pals no more, can't sell on his turf"'

"So you's can't sell on his turf afta he didn't kick ya out and ya haven't seen him all week, even though you's been sellin' there for years even before you twos met?" Jack sounded unconvinced "Race you's a walking contradiction"

"Oo, big word Jack, Kath teach ya' that?" Race sat up, pulling his gangly legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

He swore he saw Jack go pink before scratching the back of his neck and saying "Naw, Davey did"

Oh... OH!

Race grinned, leaning in to get in Jack's face, "So you an' Davey, eh? Ya gotta tell me, d' they call him Mouth for a good reason?"

Jack went scarlet and shoved his cackling face away "don't try an' distract me from the issue here! You's still mopin' over Colon an' when I saw 'im today he looked like he ain't had a wink a' sleep"

Race went quiet for a moment. "He looks that bad?" he asked softly.

"He looks like you, Racetrack. You look like shit too" Jack flashed him a cheeky smile before going sober again, "Look, me an' Spot's been pals since before he was king, an' he ain't eva invited me to weekly poker nights, an' he ain't ever let me call 'im Spotty."

Race went uncharacteristically quiet. "Ya really think he'd wanna see me?" He asked, anxiety seeping into his every word.

"Look, I don't know what you's done, but I know he looked pretty torn up, an Spades is pretty pissed you ain't bringin' Romeo along anymore" Jack punched him in the arm playfully and Race finally grinned.

"Swear, she acts like she's his mom or somethin'" he paused for a moment before standing up and grinning confidentially "aight. I's gotta go, got a fella ta see"

Jack grinned. "Ya betta hurry, don't want him ta realize how awful you's is"

He went solemn for a moment "look, Jack, Brooklyn's a dangerous place. If I don't make it back, tell Davey he can do betta"

Jack hit him with a pillow "alright get outta here!"

Race did, and he knew just where to find the short Brooklyn leader.

~~~~~

The sun was just starting to set when he made it to the docks and a chill settled into his bones. Most if the newsies had already settled into the lodging house for the night, but if Spot looked as bad as Jack said he did then Race knew he'd be here.

Just as he had suspected, there on one of the crates sat Spot. He knew he was grinning like some lovestruck idiot but spot just looked so beautiful illuminated by the setting sun.

He clambered onto the crate with much less grace then he thought he'd have. The other didn't acknowledge him until he was sat down and settled.

"Didn't think you's comin' back" he sounded disinterested and unaffected, but when you've known him as long as Race, loved him as long as Race has, you'd know how to see past that. You'd see the way he furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms a little too tightly over his middle.

Race smiled softly "guess I missed ya too much," he said, bumping spot with his shoulder.

Spot scooted away and Race tried not to feel hurt. He didn't say anything so Race took the time to examine his face. Jack was right, he looked exhausted.

"Have ya slept at all since I left?" He asked softly, inching closer. Spot didn't move away.

"What's it to ya?" He sneered and Race flinched.

"I care bout ya, spotty, and I's worried," he said softly.

"If ya cared ya wouldn'ta left" for once he let some emotion slip into his voice and Race wished he would stay disinterested. He sounded tired and betrayed, and it tugged something awful at the taller boy's heartstrings.

"I left cause I care" he insisted,  grabbing the shorter boy's hand "I's- I's scared, Spotty. I's scared theys gonna hurt ya. I's scared they's gonna drag ya off to tha refuge an it'll be all cause I couldn't keep myself in check cause Jesus spotty, ya make me feel things that are fucking scary"

Spot watched him intently as he rambled and Race knew he was squeezing the life out of his hand with anxiety. The so-called king just shook his head and smiled softly, interlacing their hands.

"They ain't getting no king to no refuge, Racer," he said, bumping Race with his shoulder "gimme some credit"

Race just laid his head on Spot's shoulder and turned into his neck. "I just don't wanna lose ya"

Spot scoffed, but laid his head on top of his, kissing the top of his head "Ya ain't gonna lose me, Racer, I promise"

Race kissed the underside of his jaw "I love you, Sean"

"I love you too, Tony."

After of beat of silence Race still had a question. "Hey, how come Spades never ratted on us? Ya' said she wouldn't from the beginning even though you's the most important boy in Brooklyn," he finally pulled his head up and looked Spot in the eye, tilting his head in confusion.

Spot snorted "cause I's seen her bring home more girls then any a' my boys" Race went red and muttered an "oh" cause, of course, he freaked out and ran for no good reason, but Spot just kissed the side of his head and continued, "But she's real pissed at us, says she lost a bet cause we's didn't wait long enough" he said, amusement dancing in his brown eyes.

"They's makin' bets on us?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and only a little bit of fear.

"Guess we ain't as subtle as we's thought" he shrugged.

Race just smiled and pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek "course we's is, I love ya so much they's could just feel it"

Spot snorted again and shoved his face away, scrubbing at his now wet cheek "gross, you's getting sappy on me"

Race held a hand to his heart "I can't believe the love a' my life won't even let me kiss him! It's a crime! Pure crime!"

The sun had set long ago so they sat laughing under a sea of stars. Spot rolled his eyes "That's cause that ain't a real kiss"

Race grinned and waggled his eyebrows "Then show me a real kiss"

And he did, under the cover of darkness, he dragged Race into a bruising kiss that softened once he had proven his point.

As Race tangled his hands in Spot's messy brown hair, he wondered how he could ever give this up.

[tuskact5]

im uncomfortable with the overwhelming amount of lesbian headcanons for male characters on this blog, especially ones who are coded as being transmasc/gnc/mlm, it makes me so dysphoric to see people take a character who happily calls himself a man, corrects others in canon when misgendered, or even experiences transphobia, and be like "hes a lesbian actually" thats so beyond upsetting to me. i dont understand how ppl dont see that as misgendering at best and blatant transphobia at worst

it makes me so uncomfortable that the majority of these headcanons are for gnc men bc it feels like ppl see a man who displays any level of femininity and everyone decides he cant be a man actually and its so transparent… i dont understand why people cant just respect how a character views and speaks abt themselves unless its obviously just shitty transphobic writing like. why are we deciding a character who has long hair but happily calls himself a man is actually not one …

im gonna focus mainly on the jojo content i’ve made on this blog since thats the majority of my work and i’m assuming you’re talking about that stuff but if you had a post i’ve made abt a character from a different series you can correct me, but i dont believe i’ve ever made a lesbian/non-mlm icon of an actually mlm-coded/canon character such as pucci. in reality, there arent actually that many coded or canon lgbt characters in jojo, and no trans men at all so i dont know why youre mentioning them.

and generally all the men in jojo are “gnc”, tho i dont think theyre very good gnc rep, since its just araki drawing whatever clothing or makeup he’s influenced by, not by him making an intentional choice to code these men as gnc/gay. gender non-conformity is more than just wearing feminine clothing and makeup, its about wearing what makes you comfortable and action outside of what society tells you to be according to your gender, like trying to actually help and clean around the house is somewhat of a male-gnc trait as a cishet society believes men should work instead of cleaning. this got long im sorry, but i just wanted to say that i think calling jojo male characters good gnc rep (or gnc rep at all) is a little off-base.

though i do see your point in being uncomfortable with viewing feminine men as actually women, sometimes i feel a little off-put by it myself cause i use headcanons to relate certain characters to myself as well, but that doesnt mean that my interpretation of a character is more important than someone else’s.

i’m just saying what i’ve heard from them but lesbians, and women in general dont get good or diverse rep in media, and projecting onto male characters could be a way to actually find traits that they have in those characters that almost never appear in canon female characters, such as not having to present femininely, being attracted to women, having more depth in their character, ect. the characters themselves dont have a personality or a conscious, they arent gonna be hurt if one person headcanons them as a gay man and another as a lesbian. obviously we shouldnt erase canon/coded characters but that doesnt apply to a huge cast of characters with no intentional sexuality/gender outside of cis and het. i dont think we should say misgendering a character is transphobic if they arent actually trans

also i dont mean this as a gotcha or anything, but im a very gnc trans gay man, and i wanted to explain why i dont personally view this as transphobic towards trans men or homophobic towards mlm/gnc mlm. 

[grandaxolotl]

.

I dont want to say much of anything other then speak that ; any issues pertaining to me are false and was confirmed by many people that they are mere allegations. As opposed to coherent facts -- so I am more tired. I am just really tired ; I came to this group having done nothing but been uncomfortable trying to fit myself into citta. The person ( One in particular hated me so much they constantly made sure no one talked to me. Close friends. Someone who I love ; who to this day still wont talk to me because they do not want to hurt them. And happy that I understand. ), continued to perpetuate hate over me in others. So I avoided Citta; then Isola came about. Hoping to come into Isola for a fresh new start -- i was welcomed by some of the nicest people who were so excited to roleplay with me. I cried cause I didnt have the energy to tell them ; hey guys I got kicked! Sorry I cannot participate with you! When they were absolutely wonderful and inviting ; and inclusive to me being there.  Tldr ; I am begging you if anyone says that I have defended or been okay with anything there is a much more concise story behind it. Further more, if you need people to back me up. I know a whole community of people who would speak for me and more. I personally never got to speak my own feelings about what happened and I think thats fine at this point. Im old and tired, and I want to pour my energy into doing other things. Instead of fighting people who want to believe what they are told.  Im going to step away from the rp community for a bit to get my barrings especially since I am starting my new job soon. And that job is not a easy job, im going to be working with people with disabilities so its going to be hard for me as much as it is hard for them . In hopes though that at least people know ‘ She spoke for herself. ‘ That people have this in mind, and anytime someone says ‘ well she did this and that. ‘ You can know that is not the case. I am willing and always okay with talking and discussing, I had tried to after someone showed me what someone else was saying. In hopes to resolve the issue and find out more from the other side ; with well intentions in mind. But was blocked immediately ; I am here. I am okay with speaking. It might not be what you want to hear, but I promise you can always contact me.

[epic-sorcerer]

Fuck

(Tw antiblackness)

Okay so when I was 11 my mom read this book to me about the 5 Chinese personality elements. Ever sense then I was fascinated by it and wanted to create OCs of my own to respresent them.

Bc my adhd can cause weird motivation and memory, I cared only with developing characters and story lines and slowly forgot the actual sorce material.

When I first started, I decided to focus more on story and not on character disign. Because mostly I took inspiration from vocaloid songs(you can tell this was a while ago) I decided to make them all Japanese so I could narrow their look way down compared to shapeless blobs in my mind.

Years past and I decided I didn’t like this anymore. I was ready to do the complete opposite and have a very diverse cast of characters. My strategy was to chose a culture in any where in the world, at any time, that most prioritized and valued what each element had to give and generally imbodied. Especially bc I wanted each character to be the most extreme form of their elements and often invisioned each character to be a political representative for each colony of element.

I good way to put this in perspective is to imagine I was making a communism OC so I made them Chinese or USA American. Basically that would chosenthose cultures bc it is something it generally is really extreme about and is known for.

My first real character disign was fire. I made her a Scottish pict, as I could give her red hair and have her be her full passionate and chaotic self.

All the other ones are up in the air. But I realized that it would be really cool to make tree be an African person with a 4c type Afro and a long and skinny body type. That’s the most tree like I could have made someone! I was so happy and got really attached to my black tree character. I new that Africa was huge and old, and that’s not even counting the West Indies. Of course I could find a culture that was tree-like. All I needed to do was look.

All of this screeched to a hault today. I decided to look up the tree personality after years and years and was met with something heart breaking.

Aggressive, angry, reckless, arrogant, etc. this reminds me of the angry black stariotype mixed with the newer unreasonable blm protester one.

I’m unsure if I’m being too paranoid or if I’m being reasonable when I say that I’m not sure if I can make tree black. Even though the negitive descriptions are for when tree is unbalanced, it still doesn’t make it okay imo.

From a writers perspective, it makes snese to start characters at when they are unbalanced, because then it’s an easy wrote to character development. Even if I don’t do this, I have no choise but to make this character aggressive sometimes if I truly want to stay true to Tree.

For perpective here’s the other elements’ triats from Wikipedia

Fire also is aggressive. And also waters positive and negative traits are opposites. Earth is a mix of all elements so im imagining earth may also be aggressive when unbalanced. Do you think I can make this work or should I change tree’s race?

Fire is a white Celtic. And I’m unsure what culture I want earth to belong to. I’m thinking of making water be a Samoan(not sure what time period), metal is still Japanese for now but I am unsure if that still fits my change in casting intentions so that’s probably going to change. Basically what I’m saying is that I’m only really going to have one white character, bc I want the cultures to be spread out throughout the map.

I know black people are often forced to constantly be on their toes in turns of wether or not something is anti black and if they are unsafe in that environment. I’m not black, but I belong to multiple minority groups and I understand that feeling to a terrifying degree. The last thing I would want is to make a choise that resembles anti black caricatures and put black poeple in the position of wondering if I dislike them or if they are unsafe around me.

I understand that feeling, and I don’t want to put poeple throguh taht. I still want to have a super inclusive cast, but I’m also aware that I have to be very careful as a white writer. Even though my intentions were good, I accidentally associated a black character with aggressiveness and that’s extremely hurtful. I’m also aware that if I represent a black character well, it can be uplifting to a black audience that I took so much care to learn about an African culture and put it in a positive light.

I remember when I was a baby gay and I came across this channel run by a cishet who dedicated a large protion of his videos to calling out lgbt phobia and premoting the idea that we deserve to have rights and to feel safe and happy as who we are. I was in awe a cishet would do taht for us and felt personally touched. I want to be able to do something that other people feel that same way about, because it’s truly a beutiful thing.

So...where do I go from here? Do I change trees race to a different one? Please be honest. I know I say I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria, but that dosnt mean you can’t criticize me. It only means taht you have to be careful and not angry. I truly want to make this story the best it can be, and I want to know if I’m doing the right thing if I change tree’s race to something else. 

I want all people to feel safe while experiencing my work(idk if it will be a book or what, it’s very early in development).

I have no intention on making tree a villain, instead a good character who is the sweetest person you can meet. I feel like I would make fire much more angry and aggressive bc of the Scottish pict emphasis on war and and never backing down, to make my intentions clear.

But even then, that doesn’t change that tree is so connected to anger. And I’m not sure how I can work with that so if doesn’t seam like an anti black stariotype

Anger, anger, anger. I don’t knwo what to do. Please help, preferably black users because yall definitely know heaps more about this than me as a white person.

Please knwo that I mean well, and I’m never intended to make my tree character black if I remembered how heavily it’s associated with anger. All I remembered was the optimism and happiness, as I am sensitive to negativity and my brain probably forgot about the dark side of tree on purpose when I was 11 and didn’t even think of making tree black. I’m so disappointed in myself and I promise you I can do better. I just need some guidance. I’m sorry to anyone I may have let down. I hope I can grow form this and make this story the best it can be.

[voidhater-blog]

concerning void/null/data/diavolo/outsider

so if you didn’t know, I’ve made something similar about void ONCE BEFORE, because in general, they’re was gross and a known abuser. they’s generally came back yet again and has accused me of shit yet again and i told them there would consequences to their actions if they didn’t make a public apology so here we go again on this road..... especially in claims that are up on this page ( archived ). more to be added and feel free to expand on this if needed

this post is about tumblr user leemte ( leemtea ) / voidleviathan / @saintpretense​ / floaras / shvbon / vcoalesce / nbgiornos / twobased /goethartig / goddessfavor / @oholiness and others.

here are several other posts about this person: here, here, here, and the blog

tw for pedophilia accusations, sexually explicit talk from a minor, and death threats & suicide encouragement. 

YES THIS IS ME!!!! What do you expect, literally you have suicide baited your way into making your friends say ( noah in question, bunny in question ) saying they wanted to shoot me. their reasoning after i confronted them about it ( you never apologized hmm ). BUT LETS NOT FORGET THAT YOU WANTED US DEAD AS WELL.

remember how you said i wanted you to kill yourself without any proof but you turned around and said this in the same chat that you conveniently cropped out of your cute little chat!!! sorry that we wanted to stop being friends with you so you called us pedophiles and ERASED OUR MENTAL ILLNESSES YET AGAIN!!!

BUT REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID WE WANTED YOU TO KILL YOURSELF? WHERES THE PROOF I EVER SAID I WANTED YOU TO KILL YOURSELF?

but yeah okay!!! so lets talk about this conversation [ Part One & Part 2 ] in question, when i found out that void was saying i fetishized my own abuse and erased my status as a CSA Survivor and A Incest Survivor ( Note they’ve removed this from the callout post after I told them i was gonna out them for the disgusting being they are but :) ) which i admitted to on a public twitter.

( proof this exists via my original reblog of the post calling them out on it before they edited it, which the admitted to removing in the logs )

anyway i apologized to them for my lack of ‘civility’ for this whole thing as you can see in the logs, but here are some caps just incase yall need more.

anyway i can’t believe i have to snatch their wig yet again but heres some more shit of them lying about being poor. so first things first. lets talk about where they live and about how they are a habitual liar. so first off, they sent themselves doxxing anons, so that they could garner symapthy from myself and my significant others and tried to blame it on me. im the only person who knows they were @ leemte & leemte. i don’t know their address but they sent me this.

HMMM YOU PLAYED YOUR SELF BITCH!!! Heres the cap they showed me upclose and personal. so the discussion of where they live, they’re many times have said to the people they rp with that they live in a predominantly brown and poor community. nijmegen is not a predominantly brown and poor community, according to someone that lives around the way ( a mere train ride away at that ), said that it was and i quote ‘ white and rich ’

hmmm??? void what is the truth void??? what is the truth!!! you can find some testimonials from the black working person in question here.

in other news, in regards to that page they have up. here is peaches who they stayed with for 1 month, who is significant others with PERSON A ( who will now be refered to as person a, as they have said they didn’t want to be involved with void anymore or felt comfortable with void anymore, it’s taken them 6 months to speak out about void’s abuse and now void is PURPOSELY drawing them into this even though they know THIS ) Sibling’s ( Named Gem ) Girlfriend who they stayed with for a while ( they are Aegis of Man and Gem is sparrowhearted )

( links one / two / three for readability )

not only do i have recorded testimony of void throwing hissy fits (which i can give out if needed) but also the fact that void purposely did not shower or put on deodorant during their stay. so this SMELLY BALD PIMPLE FACED LITTLE RAT sexually pressed person a and disparaged them for coming out as masculine and would not use masculine pronouns for them. heres you yet again being shitty to trans boys you transphobic piece of trash

and lets not forget you being openly sexual at 16 with people who didn’t want to, there are multiple receipts buddy of shit like this where people would try to get you off their back about your disgusting rape fantasies but helen, wait theres more: here is you yet again admitting that youre a fucking liar

BIG TALK HERE: VOID IS A FUCKING LIAR.

remember these:

cause:

void accuses noah of giving no reciepts but yet they dont give any that are of realness, i didn’t even have void on skype anymore but their name still pops up as the display name as it does last time i talked to them. case in point:

im not friends with sage but their skype name still comes up this way ( IN GROUP CHATS )  and on mobile you’d be able to see the skype or live usename and ims one on one ( on the COMPUTER ) will still have an icon / show their profile picture even if yall aint friends no more, but void the reciepts you have have no username and no icon. STOP SAYING THAT PEOPLE CAN’T SHOW CREDIABLE PROOF IF YOU CAN’T! you literally cannot sit there and say that noah won’t give proof when you don’t give proof for all your claims. if you shell out some credible proof then i’ll apologize but other than that, we all know YOU’RE GROSS and there’s NO PROBABLE cause to believe you cause you’ve lied in the past. PLEASE DO NOT DICTACT R*PE SURVIVORS BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR FEFES HURT YOU SMELLY ASSHOLE.

they emotionally manipulated their friends into saying shit about us because they ACCUSED us of being pedophiles & pedophile apologists. me & dallas & hades, have called them out before hand!!! literally cause we outted them for being a gross rat, they accused us of being pedophiles & apologists & fetishizers but here we are again, more of  void having the same rhetoric, being scared of being called out and pulling the SAME STUNTS: thinking that we’re not going to retaliate against them. 

but nah it’s not happening against that. either way: their mom aint no acholoic, they stole that from the kids they hang around. they treat their mom like crap, they masturbate on calls and fake moan on calls cause they’re gross little shits. this shit has been recorded but unless yall want me to upload this shit, i’m not listening to it again. they’re a gross habitual liar, a fucking thief and a faker.

they pretended to be jewish, poc, poor, and otherwise just so they could have a minority card. ( x ) ( x ) ( x ).

these are all reciepts from people that they wanted to live with, who have sent them money have have purchased places with the intention of getting void into their country to live with them because void convinced them they were POOR & ABUSED. they talk about all this shit but literally as i’ve said in the first callout post, they intiate this shit -- they cry abuse when you don’t date them and they harass when you admit that you’re asexual and too old for them. proof via creepy ass tweets ( x ) ( x ) ( x )

either way, lets not forget their cute little paypal statement, which was said by that time they were still in america. they didn’t show their balance, but they showed they got 100 MORE dollars out of no where ( not from commissions mind you ) and they did nothing ( while in america ) but spend 30 dollars at a time on kinguin limited ( WHICH IS FOR STEAM KEYS AND SHIT, LMFAO  WHAT AN IDIOT. ). yall they are trying to play us!!!!

aaah this is funny because the formal charges are about you sexually pressuring someone that kept telling you NO NO NO. And getting 100S OF FUCKING DOLLARS ON CLAIMS OF BEING POOR.

but okay all of this shit is basically void calling themselves out again, like i aint even got time for it. this is my piece about me. theres more shit about you but its not my place to get into it, and you better be glade PERSON A doesn’t want to be bothered with you anymore or like i said, you’d BE FINISHED. ending point: bitch 6 months ago i left you with shreds of your nasty fucking blonde wig, and your naked mole rat looking ass COME BACK with this shit, but here i am again DESTROYING YOU. if you ever try this shit again believe me i just wont be dissecting your pitiful little post but i WILL be dropping that heavy shit nontheless.

anyway if you can take the time please report the page leemtea for slander / abuse / invasion of privacy.

[exactlywhoyouthinkiwas-blog]

[2/27/2015 6:53:38 PM] Evan: so... [2/27/2015 6:53:39 PM] Evan: sup [2/27/2015 6:57:27 PM] YV??~: Nothing I guess. I stopped working like 2 something hours ago. mostly because a lot of these answers required too much thinking for me to concentrate on it. [2/27/2015 6:57:53 PM] Evan: haha sorry [2/27/2015 6:59:00 PM] YV??~: weh, its fine. [2/27/2015 7:00:17 PM] YV??~: i guess i should ask the same out of courtesy [2/27/2015 7:01:03 PM] Evan: The answer would be pretty similar. Not doin a whole lot at this moment in time. Jus the usual procrastinating while I should be doing Update. [2/27/2015 7:02:27 PM] Evan: How are things going for you? [2/27/2015 7:03:55 PM] YV??~: pretty much the same as last month but with 99% less anyone. exactly the same stuff just theres no one it is only me. i am the one.... who will never get any work done [2/27/2015 7:05:23 PM] YV??~: you? [2/27/2015 7:06:20 PM] Evan: Eh, not the greatest, but it's whatever. [2/27/2015 7:06:28 PM] Evan: How are you liking the silence? [2/27/2015 7:08:04 PM] YV??~: i dont know. i think its kinda annoying that people will say things about how important I am when literally no one talks to me and i just spend most of the time alone. *shrugshrug* [2/27/2015 7:08:24 PM] Evan: Ah. [2/27/2015 7:10:57 PM] Evan: I think a lot of them aren't great at socializing, to be honest. I'm pretty much the same. It's always hard to approach people you don't necessarily know that well since you don't know how they'll feel about it. [2/27/2015 7:11:10 PM | Edited 7:11:18 PM] Evan: I'd guess they're afraid they'd be bothering you? [2/27/2015 7:12:34 PM] YV??~: weh...hell if i fuckin know whats up with people. [2/27/2015 7:13:00 PM] Evan: Yeah. heh [2/27/2015 7:13:36 PM] Evan: It's been pretty slow in the main group lately, though. It seems like most people have split off into smaller, separate groups of people they're more comfortable with. [2/27/2015 7:14:09 PM] YV??~: good for them i guess [2/27/2015 7:14:54 PM] Evan: Indeed. [2/27/2015 7:15:23 PM] Evan: I just kind of wonder if there's anyone you'd still care to hang out with or if you're done with the entire community [2/27/2015 7:17:15 PM] YV??~: Weh, i didnt really come away hating anyone but im wary of jumping back into any space with most of these people lest they say things that make me end up hating my other series as well. [2/27/2015 7:17:57 PM] Evan: Are there just a few people in particular? I know there weren't THAT many involved in that particular conversation. [2/27/2015 7:21:24 PM] YV??~: eh, really anything one person can do the other can do just the same. Its either never talk openly about my work again or never people. I really dont think it would be possible for me to put a gag on all work related statements, so its easier to just forego people altogether [2/27/2015 7:22:37 PM] Evan: I don't think it would be a problem, though. It had been nearly a year before that happened, and it was a very specific situation. [2/27/2015 7:23:04 PM] Evan: Even though they misunderstood you and ended up hurting in the end, they had good intentions. [2/27/2015 7:26:31 PM] Evan: No one can predict things like that happening, but is it worth isolating yourself in case something like that happens again? I don't mean to sound pushy, but I'm kind of worried about you. [2/27/2015 7:30:41 PM] YV??~: Yeah but it ultimately is better i take cautions side. because I dont know, Ive always been alone with minimal friends and I was never 1st choice for any of them. Ive never really gotten angry of fought with people besides my siblings and considering my sister once choked me in my sleep for snoring and i could have actually killed her at one point in some fight, i think that hints at what kind of destructive anger i tend to get. While now i try to point it towards me so as not to harm others something still ends up broken or destroyed. usually art of some kind. [2/27/2015 7:34:28 PM] YV??~: im not saying thats not a nice sentiment but i guess i just wasnt made to be around  people [2/27/2015 7:35:21 PM] Evan: I don't think that's the case at all. [2/27/2015 7:38:38 PM] Evan: For all the time I've been around you, I haven't seen you hit anyone especially hard. You tend to be blunt about things, but I don't think you've hurt anyone. Even when you left the chat was relatively tame during the actual interaction. What's more troubling is you hurting yourself, and I feel like that's primarily what's being accomplished right now. [2/27/2015 7:39:03 PM] Evan: I know I've said this before and you seem to not like it, but you aren't as bad as you think. You still deserve to be happy. [2/27/2015 7:43:56 PM] YV??~: Eh, at this point im used to it. I mean i only ever get people being nice to me and complementing me and id otherwise have nothing to keep them in check or balance them out if i didnt turn the abuse up to 400 on myself. *shrugshrugshrug* [2/27/2015 7:45:07 PM] Evan: Then let me be harsh for a second. [2/27/2015 7:45:09 PM] Evan: That's stupid. [2/27/2015 7:48:11 PM] Evan: People are nice to you because they think you deserve it. No matter how terrible you think you might be on the inside, it's what you project that determines who you are. If you never act on your terrible thoughts, then how can you be considered bad? Even if you have things to work on - as everyone does - you aren't going to make it any easier by hating yourself. [2/27/2015 7:52:18 PM] YV??~: Weh, I mean ultimately i doubt anyone even wants to talk to me anyway. [2/27/2015 7:52:36 PM] Evan: I've been talking to you for the last four hours. [2/27/2015 7:53:44 PM] YV??~: closer to 4 and a half but yes i noticed [2/27/2015 7:54:14 PM] Evan: And I think you're a very unique person with an interesting perspective. [2/27/2015 7:54:45 PM] Evan: Others may not have gotten to know you that well, but I think they'd absolutely want to talk to you as they did. [2/27/2015 7:58:43 PM] YV??~: Well, I mean thats all based on other peoples opinion but i dont think many people get to interested with people who ramble for much too long on one thing. [2/27/2015 7:59:06 PM] Evan: Is that a thing you do? I haven't noticed it. [2/27/2015 8:03:11 PM] YV??~: Well I decided to answer questions that could be a short to the point answer with a paragraph. But there comes a point where, when you frequently find yourself gasping for air in the middle of a word, you begin to question whether you let other people get a word in on something youre interested in, or if its just you talking to yourself. [2/27/2015 8:04:49 PM] Evan: haha [2/27/2015 8:05:14 PM] Evan: I don't think it's as bad as you think it is. Cause there are some people that have it bad, but I've never known you to be one of them. [2/27/2015 8:05:46 PM] Evan: If anything it seems like you didn't talk much at all during the interactions we've had. [2/27/2015 8:06:45 PM] YV??~: I try not to. I usually dont have anything worthwhile to say anyway [2/27/2015 8:07:36 PM] Evan: But the point is I think you do just fine. You could have plenty of friends if you let yourself. [2/27/2015 8:10:53 PM] YV??~: i dont know. People tend not to listen to me even when i do have something to say. Even when i was a wee tot eager to be at school i only ever had one friend until 7th grade. [2/27/2015 8:23:22 PM] Evan: But people CAN'T listen if you don't talk to them. You don't have to make a bunch of friends. Hell, you don't have to make any. But you should be happy, and if being around other people contributes to that, it's absolutely worth doing. And if you play nice enough you might find some people that you really like. [2/27/2015 8:28:31 PM] Evan: And trust me, I know what it's like. [2/27/2015 8:29:32 PM] Evan: Until last year I never had anyone I considered to be a friend. There were people I talked to, and people I sometimes hung out with, but it never lasted more than a few months, or maybe the school year if they happened to be someone in class. [2/27/2015 8:30:25 PM] Evan: It took twenty years for me to make a friend, but it happened. If a social wreck like me can meet people and be happy, I think you have more than a chance. [2/27/2015 8:30:30 PM] Evan: :D [2/27/2015 8:35:49 PM] YV??~: eh. Im really tired of thinking whether or not to go back or whatever, and ive got too much stuff to get done this weekend to worry about it. [2/27/2015 8:36:40 PM] Evan: That's fine. [2/27/2015 8:38:42 PM] Evan: You don't even have to go back to that particular group. Hell, I'm not even in the main chat anymore. But you should go somewhere - find people to talk to and most importantly be happy. [2/27/2015 8:39:12 PM] Evan: Though you've spent a lot of time getting to know us fanime people. So it's certainly a good place to start. [2/27/2015 8:39:41 PM] Evan: I could also probably direct ya toward one of the smaller off-branch groups if that's more your cup. [2/27/2015 8:39:46 PM] Evan: But yeah, good luck with the things. [2/27/2015 8:42:57 PM] Evan: And I know it sounds generic as all hell, but [2/27/2015 8:43:16 PM] Evan: if you ever need to talk to someone - about ANYTHING - I'll be here.