#AUH AUH AUH EATS THAT UP

[disruptivevoib]

homestuck^2 writers making it really hard to be an ultimate dirk hater when he is written this well... tf.

[nuemanfilms]

— Soulless!sam picks up a hooker who gets more than she bargained for (pt2.)

He saw you at the bar. Looking around like a lost puppy, yet the short skirt you wore was giving him a sense that you weren’t just there for a drink.

So, he walked over to you, and leaded you out to his rental car, driving to his motel room. When he unlocked it, you were pushed on the bed.

Your skirt rid up your ass, showing him your pretty pink thong, the words ‘Princess’ written on the back.

Sam gave a smack to your ass, sliding your thong down as you mewled for his cock.

“Such a pretty little pussy, baby..” He groaned at the sight of your arousal. You were fucking soaked. His cock twitched, but he ignored it.

“Please fuck me, Sir! Please..” You begged, and Sam let out a dark chuckle, “I’m gonna fuck you, Baby. But first, I’m gonna eat this pretty little cunt of yours.”

That’s when he noticed it. The shiny, pink shaped diamond that was stuffed in your other hole. You had that inside you this whole time? Oh he was gonna have a lot of fun.

“Look at that,” He coos, “You stretchin’ y’self out for me like a little slut? You want my big cock in your tight little ass?” You nodded, Sam grabbed your face, forcing you to look at him.

“Later, Baby.” He gave a devilish smile, before attacking your pussy with his tongue. You cried, his rough fingertips prying your thighs apart. Your ass was in the air, and Sam was devouring your pussy like a starved man.

Your juices leaked like a faucet onto his tongue, and he groaned in delight at your taste. He didn’t even pull out for air, his nose brushing against your clit had you crying actual tears.

“pleas- auh! God, I can’t— I can’t do it.. sir, please..!” you cried and sobbed out his title. And the only time Sam pulled away was to shush you.

“Sshh.. you can take it, take it for me, hm? Be a good girl and take it..” He knew your orgasm was approaching rapidly, and he wanted this, he wanted you to scream for him.

Then he added his fingers to the mix, scissoring them inside of your tight channel. You moaned repeatedly before letting out a scream.

“‘m gonna cum- please let me cum..” You whimpered. Sam pulled away, snatching your orgasm from you in a second.

You sighed, your breaths were finally slowing down. And just as you thought you guys were done.. he pulled out his cock.

[gunslingrr]

ALL NIGHT !

warnings/content - use of pet names (mama, lovely), shower sex, p in v, unprotective sex (please wrap it before whomp whomping🙏🏽), rough-ish (not really) sex, gojo eating you out // pairing - gojo satoru x fem!reader

summary - you and gojo having your usual passionate time in the shower but gojo can’t get enough of you

You and Gojo have been going at it in the shower for a while now. Usually you’d be complaining about how long it’s been but at this point you’re too fucked out to care.

“C’mon mama, we’re almost done just a little more…” Gojo huffed in your ear before speeding up his thrusting. One hand was gripping on Gojo’s hair with the other on his shoulder, the mix of the warm shower water and the passionate love making the pleasure too much to handle, Your moaning increasing as you felt Gojo abuse your sloppy cunt.

“Wai- wait Gojo! auh.. slow downnn!” You whined out but your pleads fell on deaf ears as Gojo’s cock continued to ram into you.

“Feels s’good and warm.. Fuck, you’re driving me crazy…” Gojo groaned before kissing your neck. You felt like you were seeing stars at this point. The way Gojo spoke to you, the pace he was fucking you in, the kisses he planted all over your neck, you felt like you were in complete heaven.

“I’m close..“ You moaned out, the grip you had on your boyfriend’s shoulder increased, your legs feeling like they were gonna give in any second.

“Yeah?” Gojo smirked at your fucked out expression before ramming into you in a harsh way again. You let out more lewd noises as your back arched off the shower wall, a mix of you and Gojo’s cum flowing out and dripping down on the shower floor.

“Let me clean that for you,” Gojo whispered before getting on his knees and licking at the mess both of you made, his tongue licking in between your soft folds. You moan, feeling your legs start to tremble and shake again due to the pure ecstasy you were getting. Gojo then started to flick his tongue around your clit, you letting out soft gasps and moans as a result.

“Tastes so fuckin’ good.. need more of this pussy,” He spoke into your crotch, the vibration of his voice against your clit sending you to cloud 9. Just as you know it, you felt yourself wanting to cum for a second time.

“Baby m’ cumming again..” You moaned out, your hands tangled in Gojo’s wet, white locks as he continued to lap at your juices.

“Go ahead, cum for me lovely.” Gojo started to move his tongue a bit faster than before, his blue eyes looking directly up at you to admire his work. Soon, you felt your climax reaching its peak. Your eyes fluttered shut as you let out soft gasps, cumming all over Gojo’s face and in his mouth.

——————

After you both got cleaned up and dried off, you both laid down in bed with Gojo resting his head on your chest. You picked up your phone, your eyes widening in surprise when you realized it was midnight already. You look down at Gojo, who’s already fast asleep with his arms wrapped around your waist. You took a deep breath before wrapping your arms around Gojo, the feeling of tiredness finally taking over as you fell asleep in each other’s arms.

a/n: first smut post lowkey kinda hate this but it’s whatever 😭 just a lil something before my creativity runs out again LMAO

© gunslingrr . do not copy, translate, modify, or reupload my work

[knizuu]

Talk to me abt uhhh anything- Fang, Petey, OC, idc. ANYTHING U WANT💖💖

PLEASE IM GENUINELY INTERESTED IM NOT DOING THIS JUST CUS U LET ME- /gen

I get so nervous writing asks wtf

DUDE IM SO DUCKING HAPPY +omg same </33

COUGH well imma go in order lets go with the

FANG🫧….

SIGHH I LOVE HIM SM. tbh I see how people react to the recent idw miniseries which left the Hooligan fans really sour </33 to me, though, it wasn’t too bad?? I see how it works and honestly the only sad part to me is WHY DID HOOLIGANS BREAK UP AUH but im so used to “sonic canon ew” so like-I should’ve expected that sigh. So I can reason with how excited people headcannon/draw/make whatever of the guy it’s really cool since we all kinda agree? Like even with such a variety we all take the guy lovingly <33 which is sweet :> like its pretty chill-WHCIH IS FUNNY because Im actually really scared in small communities <- i made a post bout it once i-I EAT UP ANY FAN MADE FANG CONTENT FR i love all fangs really [so far] ^ ^ tbh even my school knows that-I did pottery of him, drawn him, spoke of him, my teacher saw a drawing of Fang I did and HE QUOTE: I was looking for that [SIR I GET IT IM PREDICATABLE/silly]

PETEY💠

Ok as much as heartfelt I feel about Fang-Petey is just some other freak of nature my family knows. I’m NOT EVEN JOKING-MY MOM SANG ABOUT HIM WHILE MAKING LUNCH/GEN GEN GEN-cough. Idk why but ever since my brother [the first dog man fan obviously] inserted dog man into my family [by 1. SHOWING MY FANART/BOOKS TO MUM 2. LETTING ME SING THE MUSICAL ALL DAY LON-/positive fs] its been insane/sILLY because-who expected everyone to say “Papa Petey” [i do NOT know how some typo made mo-ok my mom has a Petey problem/sILY AGAIN] in the car-at home…NOT ME THATS WHO. WHY IS PETEY SUCH A NORMAL THING IN MY HOUSEHOLD/positive sigh

OC🌸

OKK well they are ALMOST a wasteland but I have an original story to bring some ocs to life ^ ^ [including-sigh vague mention-the space dog lady and red haired lady ocs i have :3] ESSENTALLY: I’m calling it Brink of Bryony!! [Bryony is about a flower but in plot idk a city??] it’s just a human loser [red haired lady MAYBE] meeting alien folk [Cordella is there…i showed her ONCE] like my self insert hehe [Norolist] because OH NO beeg mister evil guy wants to take over Earth and this NICE alien people gonna protect it! That’s the entire thing, very unserious lmao. Pyrexavul is my precious <33 I don’t think I shared him?? I’ll share em all sometime hehe im too lazy LMAO. So yes yes I’ve been into making that story recently :> !!

ANYTHING🦐

OK SO my Luxury AU has been MANIFESTING MOI cuz i decided: why yes I WILL make a fic bout it!! Yknow just remaking the lore[cough this means me rewriting the first book of DogMan] and putting some stuff into one work ^ ^’ SO FAR I’m really getting into the vibes but what’s crazy is how I turned what I THOUGHT was oughta be a comedy-to a tragedy. No like I KNOW IM GONNA WRITE CUTE STUFF I WILL I JUST-….also might’ve included grief, addiction, ETC I dont even know how I got there 🙂‍↔️but it’s been fun! Especially since it makes me go down a nice study check with me lmao [I’ve been learning the medical field, laws, how media handles stuff, types of _, etc] hehe rubbing my hands together imma be so happy to write it all hehe and with that I’m learning about my characters a lot better! I thought of it more one noted because its a good start but now im actually learning more bout em :0 !! Love reworking stuff, redesigning, it’s been a huge part of me since idk when ^ ^’

COUGHHHH i think that all works out!! TYSM FOR ASKING I CANNOT EXPRESS THE WHIMSY I FEEL RN <33

[kirby-rarepair-tourney]

Round 3, Poll 1!

Taranza's Sick-Ass Trauma GFs: Taransusie VS Taranzan!

Who's rarest, and who's pairest? Vote now, for your favourite rarepair!

Propaganda:

Taransusie

They both lost people in ways that it could be argued that it’s their fault, so they could both help each other through it. Plus, they have the opposites attract vibes too by one being pro plants and the other not.

There's only like 3 fics with them and I'm starving. They have the same situation where they lost a loved one that barely resembled the person they used to be by the time of their death, a corruption caused by something beyond their control, but also were involved in it. They both share grief and guilt, and could work on it together, Susie being more stoic and Taranza being way too open with his emotions, they balance eachother out. Also, girlboss x wet paper husband, enough said

I think they have a lot in common and could help each other heal some… they make me want to eat drywall

Taranzan

They both have a great parallel in the ones they looked up to and how they treated them and there's so much potential for bonding there.

[Added by Poll Runner] They're so. AUH!!! Their past mistakes are a point of contention but also sympathy, and it's so cool to see!! Love wins!! Mages from different sources who can work together and teach each other new things!!! Also. They are total fucking snarks. Both are so arrogant and pretentious <3

[swingingspacejesus]

my favorite lines from the norwegian translation of heathers

no context for most of these

‘YES they both loved boys because cupid shot his arrow ! with pride i yell “MY SON WAS GAY !!!!”’

‘you have no idea what i’ve been through’

‘get away now… MUCH FURTHER !’

‘CHILL JESUS CHRIST’

‘they see the fucking emergency exits it’s a green blinking light’

kurt, ram and h. duke all barking in beautiful

‘heather, heather and heather, the deadly trio’ ‘d-e-a-d-l-y t-r-i-o !!!… the deadly trio ?’

‘why am i a fucking idiot’

‘you shouldn’t have sold your soul to the daddy pays and cola light club’

‘martha was a real friend and i traded her for josef stalin in high heels’

‘i don’t think i’ll ever be able to eat chili nuts without thinking of her’

‘oh i hate women’ *gives veronica a gun*

‘i blew the whole shit up, KABOOM !!! i was arrested though…’

‘i hate kansas’ ‘kansas sucks’ *cheers*

‘COW COW COW COW COW COW COW COW COW’ -kurt and ram while humping the air

’you should have said you needed a car, i took the bus’

‘WHO THE FUCK LET YOU SPEAK’

‘here’s my school, my fucking school, this is hell’

‘do we actually have a problem? was that a no i heard? you are aiming high but suddenly you’ve got a small dick? normally you would’ve been dead by now. who do you think you are? you want a tip or be chocked to death pay attention you shit’

‘HOMO HOMO HOMO HOMO HOMO HOMO YEAHHH’

‘i have a dentist appointment at 10:30’

‘MARTHA? EW! WHAT THE FUCK ITS NEVER ME!’

*speaking spanish* ‘what she said !’

‘bro, that was cold’ ‘right through the heart’ ‘AUH 😩’

[cordycepsbian]

Auh we suddenly got inspired to talk about our slugcat ocs so. stuff about their mechanics if they were in the game down there ⇩

the symbiosis:

eight food required to sleep, two can be stored. has a high nutrition demand because the fungus takes a lot of it

gourmand world state, nothing crazy going on story wise because we have no ideas for its story

can release clouds of spores that obscure predators' vision and kill bug enemies at the cost of food pips

weakened by sunlight, so spear strength & running speed are dependent on the region it's in. regions that are very exposed or sunny make them have monk strength and regions that are dark and enclosed make them have hunter strength

can eat mushrooms and spore puffs like regular food (spore puffs give two pips)

rain deer will try to eat it but it can crawl through worm grass as if it's holding a gooieduck

the trickster (formerly known as the chameleon but we decided to change it):

six food required to sleep, three can be stored. can eat meat

pre-spearmaster world state, enjoy your alive moon!

food that she eats affects her color and eating meat from a predator will make her mimic its appearance, so other creatures will behave like they would in the presence of that predator

starts with a pearl in hand and is followed by an overseer from no significant harassment

giving the pearl to pebbles makes him angry and he kicks you out and kills the overseer. giving the pearl to moon reveals that this is the "something unpleasant" nsh sent to another iterator :) she rewrites the pearl to a message scolding nsh and tells you to take it to communications array

so basically spearmaster story and ending but funnier

the sleepwalker:

four food required to sleep, two can be stored

monk/survivor world state

always wakes up in a shelter failure. for the first few minutes the region will be darkened (like shaded citadel but everywhere), after that is a few minutes of just rain, and then it becomes normal

always has neuron glow and can use a flash bang ability at the cost of food pips

unique creatures that only appear during the dark periods (we will have more on them. later. we just came up with this idea now)

not sure what their story is yet

the crusader:

nine food required to sleep, three can be stored. can only eat meat, no fruit or popcorn plants. every modder has one of These scugs come on

post-rivulet world state but not snowy because he's in another part of the world entirely

starts in the puppet room of an iterator named deep impression of a fang. he instructs you to find echoes and return to him

starts with maximum of two karma, and strength scales to karma level. it cannot throw spears at all at karma one (be prepared to eat a lot of batflies), but deals five damage at karma ten

regions and echoes are completely different but we don't have all of this plotted out yet so we can't really tell much about it

ends with a challenge 70-like boss fight against deep impression of a fang :) he really did make this slugcat just to kill him. ending cutscene is the crusader leaving fang's facility grounds to hunt down more iterators. saint but with violence

[beantothemax]

temenos can't stand the smell of blood anymore

he and thronè both want to throw up when they smell it

temenos still doesn't eat- he barely sleeps anymore because he has nightmares constantly

ochette drew a (highly detailed) picture of temenos casting holy light on an enemy and didnt understand why he started crying

1/2) besties bonding over hatred of blood.

3)waaah….

4) NOOOO…. baby boy….. I bet he took the drawing and added a lil ghost crick next to him later…. and started crying again… auh

[anime-dub-transcripts]

Bungou Stray Dogs Wan! Episode #3: Operation Errand Run/Finders Kyouka's/Rampo-san's Day Well Spent

This episode has the Agency trying to buy supplies, Kyouka finding a lost cat, and Ranpo helping Fukuzawa with his work.

{Caption: Bungo Stray Dogs Wan!}

{Caption: I’ll beat to death anyone who doesn’t observe the value of life}

Dazai [narrating]: I’ll kill anyone who doesn’t value life.

Fukuzawa: Hm.

{Caption #1: Episode 6}

{Caption #2: Operation Errand Run}

Yosano’s thoughts: Huah…I’m so busy these days, I can never find the time to go out. 

Yosano: I wonder what I should do.

Ranpo: I could help you out if you like!

Yosano: Help me with what?

Ranpo: You’re too busy healing people to go out and buy your own supplies, right?

Yosano: Well deduced! So you’d really give me a hand? 

Ranpo: Of course I will! I’ll find someone to go for you.

Yosano: So you won’t actually be the one going, then.

Ranpo: Eh, that’s correct.  

Yosano: Well, let’s see…I’ll be needing…

Ranpo: Medical charts and some scissors.

{Caption #1: Scissors}

{Caption #2: Charts}

Yosano: You really do see all. I’m impressed, Ranpo.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranpo: Heheah! Hey, Kenji!

Kenji: Awuah? Hey, what’s up, Ranpo?

Ranpo: I wonder if you could pick up a few things at the store for me. 

Kenji: What do you need?

Ranpo: Dr. Yosano asked me if I could get her some charts and scissors. 

Kenji: No problem! I can get ‘em.

Ranpo: Thanks a lot, Kenji!

Kenji: Auh! Oh yeah, I was supposed to investigate a scene today. If I go shopping first, I won’t make it on time.   

Kunikida: Is something wrong, Kenji?

Kenji: Mr. Kunikida! Glad I ran into you. 

Kunikida: Hm?

Kenji: …And that brings us up to speed on the situation.

Kunikida: I understand. Very well, then. I’ll go take care of the shopping.

Kenji: You’d really do that? Thank you so much!

Kunikida: So, what is it she needs?

Kenji: Let’s see…uh…she…

{Caption #1a: Scissors}

{Caption #2a: Charts}

Kenji: …needed…

{Caption #1b: Skirt Steaks}

{Caption #2b: Short Ribs}

Kenji: That’s right! Some short ribs and skirt steaks!

(Short ribs and skirt steaks: In Japanese, “scissors” (hasami) sounds like “skirt steaks” (harami), and “medical record” (karute) sounds like “short ribs” (karubi))

Kunikida: Ptoo, pthouh! 

{Caption #1: Short Ribs}

{Caption #2: Skirt Steaks}

Kunikida: What does she intend to do with those, I wonder?

Kenji: Maybe she’s planning on grilling some meat.

Kunikida: Didn’t you say she needed supplies, though? Never mind; I’ll take care of it. 

Kenji: Thanks, Mr. Kunikida.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dazai: Snooorreee…

Kunikida: Hey, Dazai. Get your ass up, you blockhead.

Dazai: Euh, what? Is it morning already?

Kunikida: Come on, let’s go. I have a job for you.

Dazai: Eugh, I’m actually pretty busy right now. 

Kunikida: How are you busy?! We have some important errands to run today. Don’t shirk your responsibility.  

Dazai: Hwah, so what do you need me to buy exactly?

Kunikida: It seems the doctor requires short ribs and skirt steaks for grilling.

Dazai: Skirt steaks?!

Kunikida: Maybe she has a patient who will die unless they eat grilled meat!

Dazai: Boy, if only I had that sickness.

Kunikida: Anyway, that’s what I’ve been told, okay? So do it!

Dazai: What a merciless slave driver. Huah…who might have some time right now?

Atsushi: Auh!

Dazai: Ooh!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Atsushi: Dr. Yosano needs some supplies?

Dazai: That’s right. And Kunikida has chosen you to get them.

Atsushi: So what kind of stuff do I need to buy?

Dazai: Uh…

Dream Kunikida: The doctor requires short ribs and skirt steaks for grilling.

{Caption: Cow}

Dazai: A cow!

Atsushi: Huh?! That sounds like a lot of work for supplies!  

Dazai: Good luck.

Atsushi: You sure about this?

Dazai: Yep.

Atsushi: I’m gonna go do it.

Dazai: Okay.

Atsushi: I’m gonna go buy a cow.

Dazai: Have I ever lied to you?

{Caption: A few days later}

Kenji: She looks a lot like Hanako, the cow we kept at my village. 

Ranpo: Think it’ll eat this?

Kunikida: If it were a goat! But you shouldn’t feed goats paper either.

Atsushi: What was that you said about needing a cow?

Dazai: That did seem wrong the minute it left my mouth. 

Dazai [narrating]: Hanako the Second ended up being well-cared for.

Yosano: Hmph…good grief.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{Caption #1: Episode 7}

{Caption #2: Finders Kyouka’s}

Box: Daukadun!

Kyouka: Aauh? Auhuah! Hm… 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Atsushi: A kitten? Did you find it, Kyouka?

Kyouka: Yeah. In the alleyway.

Dazai: Looks like it has a collar.

(Kitten: Meow!) 

Atsushi: Maybe it got lost trying to find its way home. Aauah!

Kitten: Meow…mrrroooowww!

Atsushi: Eh…hang on there…

Dazai: It seems like it likes you, Atsushi. Maybe it thinks he’s a fellow cat or something.

Kyouka: Hm…

Atsushi: I HEARD THAT; I’M A TIGER! GAAAHHH!

Kunikida: What’s going on here?

Kitten: Meow!

Kunikida: Hm?

Atsushi: Hey, Mr. Kunikida.

(Dazai:🎵Hm hm hm!🎵)

Kyouka: Ah, huah…

(Dazai: 🎵Hm hm hm, dee!🎵)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kunikida: A lost cat. Did you really think things through before bringing it here?

(Kitten: Meow…awaaaahhhh!)

Kyouka: Hm…

Kunikida: Listen…it’s a lot of responsibility to take care of a living creature. Kittens are especially delicate, so you have to know what you’re doing. 

{Text on box: Cat Milk}

Kunikida: They need to be fed milk that’s been warmed up; it can’t be too hot or too cold. About body temperature is just right. And we’ll thin it down to aid its digestion. Do you see what you’re getting into now? It’s a lot of work.

Atsushi: Mr. Kunikida’s really showing us up! 

Kyouka: It’s drinking.  

Atsushi: You’re right.

Kyouka: Hah, aah!

Kunikida: Listen up…we can’t just keep it here forever. 

Atsushi: What makes you say that?

Kunikida: You know the type of unwanted attention we sometimes get here. It wouldn’t be safe for it. This isn’t the place for a kitten.

Kyouka: Hm…

(Atsushi: Hm…)

Atsushi: Auh?

(Kyouka: Ahuah?)

Atsushi: Mr. President. 

Kunikida: Auah!

Fukuzawa: Hm?

{Caption: Mrowr}

Kitten: Meow! 

Fukuzawa: Huh? What’s this?

{Caption: Cat Person} 

Fukuzawa: Why is a cat here?

{Caption: Cat Person}

Fukuzawa: It is so cute. I mean…

{Caption: Cat Person} 

Fukuzawa: Pretend I wasn’t here. I’ll come back in.

{Caption: Cat Person}

Kyouka: Ah, uah…

(Kunikida: Hm…)

(Atsushi: Hm…)

Kunikida: I guess we could keep it. Just think about what’s best for the cat.

Atsushi: Okay.

Kyouka: Huoh…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{Text on poster #1: Found Lost Cat}

{Text on poster #2: Kitten}

{Text on poster #3: Six whiskers}

{Text on poster #4: Has a collar}

{Text on poster #5: Likes people}

{Text on poster #6: Contact:}

{Text on poster #7: Armed Detective Agency}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woman: I don’t know how to thank you enough for taking care of her. 

(Boy: Eh, weah! Weum, weah!) 

Atsushi: Don’t worry about it.

Boy: I missed you so much, Miko! Weah weah weah! I’ll never lose you again! 

Kyouka’s thoughts: We made sure she was well-cared for. I’m glad she has a home to go back to. 

Atsushi: You okay, Kyouka?

Dazai: Don’t forget, we still have our own cat here. You should pet him whenever you’re feeling a bit down.

Kyouka: Mmhm!

Atsushi: I already told you I’M A TIGER! MEOW!

{Caption: Bungo Stray Dogs Wan!}

Crow: Caw! 

Fukuzawa: I never got a chance…to pet it. 

(Crow: Caw)

Cow: Moo!

{Caption: Cat Person}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{Caption #1: Episode 8}

{Caption #2: Rampo-san’s Day Well Spent}

Ranpo: Hey, Atsushi.

Atsushi: Huh?

Ranpo: What’re you up to?

Atsushi: I’m bringing these snacks to the President.

Ranpo [muffled through the wall]:  Oh woah! Is that a rice cake?

Atsushi [muffled through the wall]: Yeah. And from a really famous shop too.

Fukuzawa: Hm?

Ranpo [muffled through the wall]: I’ll take it to him for you.

Atsushi [muffled through the wall]: Oh, but I---

Ranpo [muffled through the wall]: Don’t sweat it; I got your back, buddy. 

Ranpo [while chewing]: Good afternoon! I have your snack for you. Gulp!

Ranpo: Here you are.

Fukuzawa: Thank you. UAOH!

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: This rice cake has a bite taken out! Could it be…

Fukuzawa: Ranpo. Did you take a bite? 

Ranpo: What do you mean? Burp!

Fukuzawa: I had heard such positively glowing reviews about the shop we’d be buying these rice cakes from today. But look at this tragedy! My first bite has been pillaged!  

Ranpo: It does kinda look like someone took a bite…weird.

Fukuzawa: It doesn’t just “kinda” look like it; that’s what happened. Don’t you think it’s about time that you confessed to the truth, Ranpo?

Ranpo: Huh?!

{Caption: The plea bargain}

Ranpo: Wh---Whatever do you mean? You couldn’t possibly have any evidence to support that I did it! I…

Fukuzawa: I may not have your deductive powers, but that paste on your mouth will suffice. 

(Ranpo: Heah heah heah, eh eh eh, heah eh, heah eh, heah eh…hm?)

Ranpo: Hm…auh! Hm…

Fukuzawa: Eum? Hey, don’t wipe the evidence off on my sleeve!

(Ranpo: Mm! Mm! Mm…mm…)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Door: Knock knock knock!

Fukuzawa: Hm?

Ranpo: Hey, boss, ya still angry about the rice cake?

Fukuzawa: I’m not. 

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: I was so busy I forgot.

Ranpo: I’ve been reflecting a little on what I did.

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: A little?

Ranpo: And I was thinking maybe I could do something nice for you, since you work so hard.

Fukuzawa: Ehum?

Ranpo: Those rice cakes…I got the location of the store and went over there.

Fukuzawa: You did? 

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: How considerate! You went and bought me a new one, didn’t you?

Ranpo: I told the lady working there that our boss had been wanting to come and try out their food.

Fukuzawa: Huh?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranpo [flashback]: I just wanted to tell you that my boss is really in love with this place.

Worker [flashback]: How nice! Thank you for letting us know!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: That’s all you did?

Ranpo: Oh, and that’s not all.

Fukuzawa: Of course, please continue. 

Ranpo: I went and wrote replies to those stacks of letters that you’ve been getting.

{Text on envelope: President Fukuzawa Yukichi}

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: But those were sealed documents from important dignitaries! 

Letter #1: This could greatly hurt our company! What would you suggest, Mr. Fukuzawa?

{Text on paper #1: Do whatever, I guess?}

Ranpo [from letter]: Do whatever I guess?

Letter #1: Dwuoh!

Letter #2: We would appreciate your advice on this matter.

{Text on paper #2: I got nothing} 

Ranpo [from letter]: I got nothin’.

Letter #2: Gweah!

Letter #3: Please attend our important meeting.

{Text on paper #3: I’ll go if it seems fun}

Ranpo [from letter]: I’ll go if it seems fun.

Letter #3: Gaaaassppp!

{Text on paper #4: Whatever’s easier}

{Text on paper #5: Sounds like a pain}

{Text on paper #6: Oh, really?}

{Text on paper #7: I guess?}

{Text on paper #8: Meh}

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: I’ve been putting these off because they seemed so difficult, but Ranpo has articulated my thoughts perfectly. Should I just send these out as is? 

Fukuzawa: I hope you haven’t done anything else for me.

Ranpo: There’s just one other thing that I used your phone for.

Fukuzawa: My phone?!   

Fukuzawa’s thoughts: I have a lot of important contacts on here! What has he done?

{Text on phone screen: XX Company}

Ringtone: Meow! Meow!

Fukuzawa: Auh!

Ranpo: I went and changed your ringtone to a cat meowing!

Fukuzawa: Oh, uh, I see.

Dazai [narrating]: Mr. Fukuzawa couldn’t help but appreciate that.

{Caption: Cat Person}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kunikida: Hey, quit playing around and get back to work!

Dazai: But a child’s work is to play, isn’t it?

Kunikida: Last I checked, you’re a grown-ass man!

Dazai: Aw man, getting yelled at makes me all sleepy. Eum, wake me up in a bit, Mom. 

Kunikida: WHO ARE YOU CALLING “MOM”, JUNIOR?!

[littlegodzilla]

Hi I know that your requests are closed but I really had to get this request to you before my brain forgot about it 😭 pls feel free to ignore if you don't wanna write it 🤧

So like Negan has made Daryl his prisoner and the reader is Negan's wife . Also the reader is very sassy and has Negan in a chokehold and Negan basically does whatever she asks him to. So when the reader sees that Negan has bought Daryl as his prisoner she's lowkey attracted to him and suggests a threesome between them and then smut where Daryl fucks her so much better than Negan ever could 😩.

Hi Anon!!

I have to say that when I read your request I was like "threesome with Daryl and Negan? Fuck yeah!" But then thinking about I didn't image Daryl could be get hard with Negan there or being a prisoner so I stopped and thought about what could be better for the story and I was thinking about a dark Daryl full of rage and angry, accepts just to piss up Negan... I hope you don't mind if I gave to the reader my special touch.

I hope you'll like it!!

≈≈≈

The Prisoner.

Negan x Reader x Daryl.

Anon request.

Warnings: Smut.

Words: 2800

≈≈≈≈

≈≈≈≈

"Auh..." You mutter settling back and closing your eyes again. "A...Auh! Auh! Negan!" You call out to him and smack him upside the head, he looks up from between your legs. "May I ask what's on your head? I told you to eat my pussy, but I didn't mean it literally." You grunt in annoyance and push the man away by sitting on the bed, crossing your arms.

"You've always liked it when I give you a little nibble."

"A little nibble, not you ripping my skin off, what's wrong with you?" you snap again and he averts his gaze.

"It's Rick Grimes and his group in Alexandria..." He confesses remaining seated on the bed, running a hand through his hair.

"What about them?" You say bored as this isn't the first time you've talked about it.

"Nothing, forget about it, let's go on with what we were..." He says wanting to get on top of you, but you stop him.

"No, no, I'm not in the mood anymore." You huff and get up from the bed, he looks at you in disbelief. "Don't you have one of then as a prisoner?"

"Yes, Daryl, Rick's watchdog, but they still dare to go against me, that kid, Carl, came in here and nearly killed me."

"Oh yeah, that kid has the same hair on his balls as he does on his head." You can't help but laugh at your own comment. "Daryl... uhm yeah, I've seen Dwight 'take care of him' sometime... he's pretty cute..." You bite your lip in thought and a shiver runs through you.

"What?" Negan asks as you look up at him with a mischievous grin.

"I want you to bring him to my room, I want to meet him."

"Have you lost your mind? He's a prisoner."

"You screwed up my night of sex, so this is going to be my compensation."

"Since when do you think you can make demands on me?" He faces you, angry, getting off the bed and walking towards you, but it doesn't scare you.

"Since you decided to make me your wife. You know I'm not like those little girls who are afraid of you. If you want my pussy, you'll have to earn it." You challenge him, Negan stares at you licking his lips.

"And what makes you think I won't go with one of those little girls you say?"

"Because if they gave you what I did, you wouldn't be here anymore." You smile victoriously when you see him frown. You've won.

"And what do you plan to do with him?"

"Fuck him." You say sincerely.

"No."

"Of course I do, and don't waste any more of my time. If you behave yourself, I'll let you watch." You smile and wait, you know Negan is volatile, he needs a moment to calm down and you shouldn't insist too much, you've learned to control your demands to the point that he accepts them.

"Fine." He barks getting out of bed, getting dressed. "You're a whore."

"You should have made a better choice, honey." You joke again but see a sly smile on his mouth before he walks out of the room, leaving you alone.

You sigh and put on a robe, you don't want to scare the man as soon as you enter the room, you go to the bathroom and prepare the bathtub, you might want to take advantage of him, but you're not going to let him touch you if he's full of filth. You also prepare something to eat and when Negan returns he pushes the other man into the room. Daryl stumbles and falls face first to the floor, your first reflex is to go to help him, but you stop at the last second, Negan is still there, you can't let your guard down.

"Well?" the man says impatiently.

"Not tonight, honey, leave us alone, when I want you to look, I'll tell you." Again Negan hesitates, but finally leaves, slamming the door violently. "One of these days I'll lose my head" You whisper and wait a little longer before walking over to the man still lying on the floor.

He's so weak he can't even move, as if to ask him to put you on all fours and make you moan until you're hoarse. You watch him closely, his hair matted, dirty, too long for your taste, his skin black from the dust and dirt in the cell, among other things you don't want to think about. You frown at all the scars on his back, you're sure Dwight couldn't have done all that to him, some of them look very old. Carefully you bend down and touch his shoulder slowly. Daryl tenses and in one sudden movement you're lying on the ground, the man on top of you, his hands around your neck, his fingers squeezing your skin tightly. He's really choking you.

You gasp and thrash your arms and his face several times, but he doesn't seem willing to loosen his grip.

"H...Hi...Hilltop!... "You say barely. "Jesus!" You say again and then the pressure disappears.

Daryl looks at you with wide eyes through the strands of hair, his hands release your neck as you begin to cough loudly, you feel him move cautiously to your side, but he doesn't move too far away, studying you carefully, watching your every move in case it's a trap to finish what he has started. Still coughing you sit on the floor rubbing your neck, you glance sideways at him and see him avert his gaze, your robe has opened a little exposing your body, you smile, but adjust your clothes and throat clears.

"No doubt my brother was right..." You say, but you gesture to him pointing to the door and then put a finger to your lips as a sign of silence. "Come with me, I've prepared a hot bath for you."

He doesn't trust you, however, he gets up following you to the bathroom, as you promised him there is a bathtub waiting for him, you make him get in and start rubbing his skin and hair letting all the dirt dissolve in the water. There with the noise and away from the door, you can talk freely.

"Jesus sent me a message warning me that Negan had attacked your group." You tell him as you rub his scalp. "He asked me to help you get out of here, that Rick needs you in Alexandria." You continue, telling him your plan.

"Why?"

"Jesus is my brother, I became Negan's wife to know his plans from the inside and sabotage them little by little, I'm not proud and I'm sorry for what you people have had to suffer, but it's complicated to get close to him." You confess and sigh heavily.

Two years ago you showed up at the door of the Sanctuary, pretending to be lost, scared to death, in need of food and a home, Negan believed your story and took you in as a Savior with the condition of becoming his wife, again honoring your role you accepted desperately, however you were not going to let him treat you like trash as he did with the rest, when you gained his trust you showed your feisty character, contradicting him, making him angry, attracting his attention and becoming one of his favorite girls. Sex was the hardest part at first, but eventually you realized that the man was attractive, despite his volatile and sadistic nature, and knew how to treat you in bed, so you took it as your reward for being in the lion's den.

"If he catches ya freein' me, he'll kill us both and there will be consequences for my people."

"That won't happen, I've been thinking of a plan so you can escape and he won't suspect me..."

"Sleep with me? Negan told me as we were on our way here."

"That's what I told him, yes." You laugh and rinse his hair. You help him out of the tub, hand him a towel to cover himself. "Do you think you'd get hard if he was in front?"

"Ya wanna him to be in front?"

"I want you to threaten me and he can't defend himself, you'll lead me to one of the exit doors and escape before anyone can follow you."

"Why do y'think he would defend ya, won't his men follow me?"

"Don't worry, Jesus will be waiting for you and he'll know how to get rid of them, trust me."

"And what about Negan?"

"He'll do what you ask of him, I'm his favorite, he won't let you hurt me." You assure him, Daryl seems hesitant, but finally nods his head. "Good, now eat some, I need you to get your strength back." You hand him what you have prepared for him and he eagerly devours it.

In the next few minutes that Daryl is eating you explain to him in more detail your plan, of course sex was only a possibility, you don't think you could ever touch Daryl in that sense, you don't know him, but in a stressful situation like the one he's in, you're sure sex is the last thing on his mind. When he finishes eating you smile and let him relax a little more in your room, he's going to have to go back to a rough and filthy cell, at least if he gets some sleep on a bed, his body will thank you.

"Well, I'd better call the guys to be taken back to your cell." You say and he gives you a sidelong glance. "Remember the whole plan?" You ask and he nods again.

You are about to get out of bed when you feel his hand on your knee. You look down to discover his fingers slowly creeping up your skin, hiding under the fabric of your robe, you look at him in surprise and see him staring at you. You want to stop him, tell him he doesn't need to do that, you can have fun the day Jesus responds to your message and carry out the plan, but not now... you lose the thread of your own thoughts when his fingers brush against your mons and find their way between your legs. You gasp, your gaze unfocused for a second as his fingertips touch your button and stop there. His eyes watch you, his fingers move very slowly over your clit and Daryl watches as your face transforms into a grimace of pleasure. It's been a while since he's touched a woman, but he still knows what he's doing.

**

You close your eyes when you feel Daryl's lips on your neck, his hands run over your body giving you goosebumps, you sigh and hear a growl near you, you open your eyes again discovering Negan sitting on his couch, watching you, biting his lip, moving his leg nervously. He wants to join in, he can't stand to see Daryl touching you and making you moan and him not being able to prove he does it better. But you have to admit that Daryl is a better lover than you expected, that day he proved to you that he could make you shudder and beg just by fucking you with his fingers and now he's doing exactly the same. You moan low as you spread your legs wider for Negan to get a good look at how Daryl's fingers sink inside you over and over again making a wet sound to accompany your moans.

"Oh fuck, I'm going to cum..." You say feeling the pleasure building in your stomach and your pulse quickens.

"Stop it, get her on all fours." Negan says getting up from the couch unbuttoning his pants urgently pulling out his cock, hard, head red and angry, spitting pre cum fluid.

You can't help but smile and get even more excited, Daryl grunts, not happy to see another man's cock, but he has to admit he likes your body and is enjoying you, so he does as Negan asks; he pulls his fingers out of your pussy, helps you turn around and you rest your hands and knees on the mattress, you look at Negan with a naughty smile and open your mouth, egging him on.

"Oh honey, I'm going to fuck that slutty throat of yours." He growls walking straight towards you, grabs you by the hair and shoves his cock inside your mouth. "That's it, suck it like you know how." He says giving you a tug on your hair.

You could refuse, leave him desperate and hating you, but you need him relaxed, your guard down, so you close your lips around his swollen cock and start sucking, pumping up and down, licking and sucking his tip with special interest, hearing him curse and grunt through his teeth, his fingers not loosening their grip on your hair. Daryl watches you for a few seconds, his cock needing attention too, your hips are slightly raised and your legs spread, letting him see your wet pussy ready for him. He bites his lip jerking his length a couple of times before positioning himself behind you. You moan against Negan's cock as you feel him slide his tip between your folds, touching your clit then pressing and pushing inside you slowly, his size dilating you as he goes deeper, you pause for a second, your mouth wide open for Negan, but you are unable to process the excitement that is coursing through you at that moment. Daryl stays still inside you, then slowly pulls out again, only his tip still in your pussy before he thrusts once more, hard, deep, drawing a moan from you that you yourself have never heard before. You need to pull Negan's cock out of your mouth to breathe, as Daryl holds you tighter around the waist and does the same again, your eyes roll as he finds the perfect rhythm, fast and deep. Negan pushes his cock against your lips again and you obey letting yourself be fucked by both men until you feel yourself losing consciousness.

Negan cums in your mouth, holding you by the back of the neck as he unloads completely, you swallow quickly and slap him several times on the legs to get him to release you. He loves to see you desperate, but he pulls away and you spit out his cum, however, Daryl doesn't give you time to process it, pushes you back against the mattress fucking your aching pussy with more intensity and you feel your orgasm rock you, you clench around his cock and you both moan, his seed spilling inside you with the last more erratic and uncontrolled onslaughts.

Your body falls onto the bed totally exhausted, breathing hard, feeling yourself shaking, your knees like jelly, your pussy pulsing as you feel the hunter's semen dripping out. Daryl is also trying to recover, Negan is no better, sitting on his couch. You have to stick with the plan, but all that has hit you all hard. You swallow still feeling some traces of Negan's semen in your mouth, you look sideways at Daryl and he nods slyly.

**

The plan works better than you expected, Daryl gets dressed as he holds you down, a knife against your neck, you tense, you tremble and look at Negan pleading for help, the man is angry, but he won't make a move that would put you at risk. Daryl pulls you to the door you guide him with small signals, no one is after you, Negan's men keep their distance so you don't get hurt.

"Go." You tell him by slyly pushing him away.

"Come with me." He asks you without letting go, but you shake your head.

"We'll meet again, Daryl, when the Sanctuary falls." You assure him and smile.

Daryl looks at you for a few seconds and kisses you with intensity surprising you, then you see him quickly leave and escape with Jesus who is waiting for him hidden on the other side of the fences of the abandoned factory.

**

The war ends, Negan is defeated by Alexandria and the communities that have allied with them, the soldiers who faithfully followed the man are cornered, given the choice whether they want to change or die, many try to escape, but very few manage to go far away.

Daryl lowers his gun and searches the battlefield with his eyes, he feels his chest quicken when he sees you, hugging your brother, Jesus, as he pampers you and whispers something against your ear as your embrace grows stronger. He walks towards you, not wanting to break the moment, but it's been several weeks since you last saw each other and Daryl feels a strange pressure in his chest.

He's not the only one, when you separate from Jesus and discover him next to you you can't help a nervous smile and your heart pumping hard. Jesus watches you and walks away leaving you alone. There is chaos, rage, death and despair all around you, but now you see and hear nothing but yourselves. You smile and move a little closer to him.

"Yer alive..."

"I told you we would meet again."

[tteokdoroki]

aali! it's been so long :[[ tumblr kept eating my asks and i'm so UPSET about this >:[[ you're such a lovely human and going to take the chance to tell you this NOW because damn tumblr. bUT your hair looks amazing and you're so pretty!!11! that latest thirst with shinsou has me,, unable to breathe to say the least. i never expected bunny reader written with him and oh god oh man am i not disappointed :0 keep up the amazing writing as usual lovely and make sure to hydrate! hoping you've been able to rest well because you deserve it!

- sleepy anon

SLEEPY NONNIE I WAS LITERALLY THINKING ABT U :(!!

how you doing baby? keeping safe i hope !!! smelly tumblr for keeping us apart <//3 thank u hehe !!! im also glad you liked the thirst bc i had so much fun writing it auh!!! i hope you’re drinking water n eating lots too baby!! i love u

[rebelichor]

He looked so damn cute the way his tongue peeked out between his lips. That was the problem — he was too damn cute. Everything about him made her feel like a silly girl, made her feel like her age. She tended to think she acted a lot older than her peers until a moment like this where the rug was pulled out from under her feet.

Was she reading too much into their interaction? Had Enok given the same nervous energy, or did she imagine it? Ariadne doubted her perception, because he had been the confident and vibrant one, at least that's how she saw it. Nothing seemed to phase him, not a moody teenage girl, not the Don's gonks and certainly not a full night of busy, fast-paced work.

"Thanks!" she accepted the bowl again, barely managing to hold eye contact before she shyly looked down. That was when she saw the writing, at least, when she saw it properly. The little heart made her pause a moment.

A moment too long, it seemed, as another customer stepped around her and accidentally knocked the bowl. "AUH—" it fumbled, almost dropped, but she barely managed to catch it. Not without ruining some of the details. It looked a little messier, and her thumb ended up right on the heart, the chocolate smeared. "Awh." she uttered quietly, and sucked the chocolate off her thumb. It was going to be ruined anyway by her eating it, but this made her sad for some silly reason. To their credit, the person did apologise, and she hadn't actually dropped her food. "It's okay." she responded, even if it felt a little disappointing.

She didn't even get to appreciate it. Didn't even get to be swept up by imagining what it meant, even if it was all in innocent fun. She was even wearing an apologetic smile when she looked back to Enok, like she had ruined his hard work. Though rather than fight for a spot at his crowded tables, or leave to find another spot, she walked over with far too much familiarity for the cart owner and simply crouched with her dessert near him. No one would bump her there... and she still got the chance to catch onto conversation.

Ariadne.

Finally he had her name. And it was such a beautiful one. He almost felt as if he had heard it once already. In a book? Back in school or a library? Had it been mythology or astronomy? he wasn’t so sure.

“Ariadne…”, marvelling at her name for a moment as if it was a candy he could taste, Enok then nodded eagerly, taking the dessert back and getting the chocolate font out. Tongue back between his lips, he was highly focused, trying his bets to make this the best writing. He went with her nickname. Ari. After all she had offered it so freely!

Ari. And now it was his time to have a little courage. Instead of a simple spot above the ‘i’, he replaced it with a little swirly heart. Cute. Or a little flirty. However one looked at it. But after he had experienced the luck of her actually coming back… he needed to take another leap.

Smiling a little shy and anxious now, there was a faint red glow over his nose. Though one could mistake it for the dim light coming from the stringlights along with a busy work-evening for him.

“There you go, Ariadne. I hope you enjoy it!”

[beantothemax]

“Urgh... Am I dying, Mama?” Ochette looked up at Castti blearily, who shook her head. “No, Ochette. You’ve simply fallen ill. This is what happens when you don’t wear the proper clothing out in the cold. I told you to wear a coat when you went up to Altahe, but you didn’t listen. Will you listen to me next time?”

Ochette nodded, sniffling. “Yes, Mama...” She replied wearily, her eyes red and puffy. Castti took pity on the poor beastling, and ruffled her hair. “Get some rest. Howl if you need anything.” The apothecary got up and left, and Ochette rolled over, groaning. “Mahina... I feel bad. Is that normal when you’re sick? I’ve never felt this awful before...”

But she recieved no reply. Mahina was asleep. So Ochette sniffled a bit more, and tried to mimic Mahina by sleeping- but found she couldn’t. Everything hurt, her nose was runny, and her throat felt too achy to howl loud enough for anyone to hear.

Fortunately, she was saved by a soft knock at the door. Assuming it was Castti again, Ochette groaned a “Come in...”

It was not, in fact, Castti, but Osvald. He was carrying a tray laiden with tea and- was that jerky Ochette smelled?

She sat up, looking at Osvald with the widest eyes she could manage.

Osvald gently set the tray down on Ochette’s lap- and she noticed something. A book was tucked under his arm. “I figured you could use something to help refresh you,” Osvald spoke gently, a tone Ochette rarely ever heard him use. He pointed at the cup of tea, steaming and smelling vaguely of flowers and honey. “Chamomile tea- it helps with sore throats, and relaxes you. I added some honey, since it’s rather bland on its own. And of course, you know what this is.” He gestured to the jerky on the plate, and Ochette nodded. “Just eat that slowly- and make sure to chew all the way. Chunks of jerky are bound to hurt your throat more.”

Ochette nodded again, taking a small sip of tea. It was pleasantly warm- it went down easy, and tasted delicious. It was cool enough that it didn’t scald her, but warm enough that it didn’t taste weird. All in all, it was great tea.

Ochette nodded her head towards the book under Osvald’s arm, and asked- after swallowing a thoroughly-chewed piece of jerky- “What’s that book for, Pops?”

Osvald smiled gently, and Ochette had the innate desire to curl up in his lap. “It’s a storybook. Do you want me to read it to you? It might help you relax.”

Ochette nodded vehemently, taking another drink of tea.

Osvald took the book out, and Ochette read the cover. Snake Scales and Dragon Tails- A Collection of Mythical Stories.

Osvald turned to the first page, and began reading. Sure enough, before long, Ochette was so relaxed that she fell right asleep.

When Osvald noticed, he smiled, closed the book, gathered up the tray, and set it on the dresser, where it wouldn’t get knocked over.

“Goodnight, Ochette,” Osvald whispered as he gently kissed her cheek.

With that, he turned out the lamp, and left Ochette to her dreams.

;;;;;;;;;; WAAH. AUH. perfect. I LIVE for osvald and ochette’s father-daugher dynamic.

[mothers-little-pistols]

Incorrect Quote Dump (1/?)

Warning, this post is so fucking long.

Thrill, writing in his diary: February twenty-eighth, 2020. Today I watched a crewmate fall and eat shit.

[][][][][]

Widow: GO TO BED! Kit: NO! Widow: JUST GO TO BED! IT'S TWO AM AND YOU CAN'T BE AWAKE THIS LATE IN THE ZONES! Kit: WATCH ME!

[][][][][]

Ghoul: So you all fucked up pretty badly. Good luck finding new tires for this thing. Kit: *scoff* I think the ones we have are fine for at least another fourty miles. Ghoul: *pointing to the blown-out tires that have all but shredded off the rims* You fucking fubar'd the tires on this and you think it can go for another fourty miles!? Toxin: *cackles* Kit: You both shut up.

[][][][][]

Jet: Wait a minute. Jet: Share...skill... Jet: *inhales* AA-

[][][][][]

Poison: So what exactly do you and your little band of assholes do? Kit: *looking at the chaos that is the Pistols* Tss...ooh...hard question...auh...?

[][][][][]

*after they find the Zone Four motel* Kit: *enjoying a cold shower for the first time in a while* Poison: *opens the door and walks in* Kit: Who the fuck's there? Poison: It's me, I have to piss. Kit: Ok, you do that. Try anything and I'll shoot you though. Poison: Whatever. *silence* Kit: Flush that toilet and I'll shoot you. *silence* *toilet flushes* Kit: *is sprayed with boiling hot water* POISON-

[][][][][]

Thrill: I am your God now! Bring me your virgins! Ghoul: What virgins? We're all sluts here. Jet: Who's 'we'? Ghoul: *points at Poison* Poison: Hey!

[][][][][]

Kobra: So what are we doing out here exactly? Poison: Kit wanted us to find something called the... Poison: *takes off glove and looks at smudged writing on hand* Poison: ‘ Hellements of Armony’.

[][][][][]

Toxin: *scurrying through The Zones* Squeedly-dee, stay out of the desert!

[][][][][]

Widow: So, ok, I go over to Poison's room. Here I was expecting their PC to have burned down because of all the decomposing moth carcasses in their CPU fan. But no. I was not that lucky.

[][][][][]

Kit: *drunk and draping herself into Kobra's arms* Oh doctor! What's the diagnosis? Kobra: *sighing and playing along* You're horny for Poison... Kit: Oh my! Horny for Poison, you say? Well, do you have a cure? Kobra: *dropping her and walking away* Yeah, leaving me the fuck out of this.

[][][][][]

Poison: *obviously drunk* BATTERY CITY! CAN SUCK! MY! D- Kobra: *slaps his hand over their mouth* And that's enough tequila for you. Poison: *muffled* LET ME SPEAK!

[][][][][]

Widow: Thots on Val Velocity? Poison: So Val has thots now. Kit: Crawling all over him like weevils. Jet: I think they're the Ultra Vs, actually.

[][][][][]

Widow: Why don't you listen to Cherri Cola's Poetry Corner and maybe you'll calm down.

[][][][][]

Poison: *is fucking dead* Thrill: Thrill: Wake up, piss boy.

[][][][][]

Toxin: Are you fucking stupid? Kit: How long have you been friends with me? Toxin: Three years? Kit: Am I stupid, Tox? Toxin: Maybe a little bit. Kit: It's ok, you can call me an idiot. Toxin: Yeah, you're a fucking dumbass.

[][][][][]

Widow: *after settling an argument* Court dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

[][][][][]

Poison: Hold on. Poison: *leaves the motel and stands outside* Poison: *SCREAMS* Kit: Kit: I'm fucking that.

[][][][][]

Poison: FOR THE LAST TIME! Poison: STOP CALLING ME 'PISS JACKET'! Ghoul: IT SMELLS LIKE PISS! Poison: IT'S COLOGNE! Jet: Are you sure though? Poison: Ghoul: Jet: Poison: Fuck yourself.

[][][][][]

Kobra: Hey, Poison, check this out. Poison: *fiddling with their raygun* Hang on, I'm busy. Kobra: Hey, look at me. Poison: Give me a second. Kobra: I'm more important, give me attention. Poison: I said give me a God damn second. Kobra: I'm getting very upset. Poison: I don't give a fuck how upset you are. I said give me a second. Poison: *puts their raygun down* Hello, what is it? Kobra: *points to his helmet upside down on top of his head* I can balance a helmet on my head.

[][][][][]

Poison: *standing in Kit's doorway* I'm sad, can I lay on your floor for a sec?

[][][][][]

Jet: *standing outside* Don't you come in this room, Korse, I will dust your ass.

[][][][][]

Thrill: Party Piss Jacket Peepee Pants Penishead Poison, will you please come here? Poison: *>:(*

[][][][][]

Widow: Can I ask you something? Kit: What's good? Widow: Why are you such a whore? Kit: Drive sidestreet and get dusted.

[][][][][]

Kit: *yelling into the other room* Jet! Jet Star! Jet: *doesn't respond*  Kit: Destroya damnit. Thrill: JETTY! Jet: *looks up* What? Kit: You wanna get food? Jet: Huh? Kit: Do you wanna obtain edible substances? Jet: What? Thrill: YOU WANT FOOD!? Jet: Oh, yeah, I do! Kit: Then come outside, there's an angel cake in the next Zone over! Jet: Make me. Thrill: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET FOOD! Jet: Alright.

[][][][][]

Thrill: *flipping Kit off with both hands* Kit: Thanks, Thrill! *:D* Thrill: Fuck you! *:D*

[][][][][]

Ghoul: They broke it, they blew up the school, they own a trenchcoat, they have a gun- Poison: This started about Diamond accidentally stepping on my headphones.

[][][][][]

Kobra: I overheard Poison yelling at Toxin about banana bread and something about 'I've made a shitload of banana bread, don't you dare put that much sugar in it, it'll be grainy as shit-' Thrill: I think we should regulate humans...with guns...

[][][][][]

Toxin: Skibidefuck!

[][][][][]

Kobra: *takes off his helmet* Toxin: He looks like a baby. He looks like a literal infant. I wanna caress his cheek and put him in a crib and sing him lullabies. FF and MLP: Toxin, what the f u c k?

[][][][][]

Kobra: No one here is gonna make fun of you. Except he might. Ghoul: Yeah, I might.

[][][][][]

Pony: *tries to create a sense of calm by lighting incense only to discover that the sticks were sparklers* Widow: That's painfully on-brand, actually.

[][][][][]

The Girl: *whispering into walkie talkie* Poison, the Pistols are drinking beer, I need you to come pick me up-

[][][][][]

Ghoul: Hey Poison, do you think I can get this egg into that jar without it cracking? Poison: No. Ghoul: *throws it at Kobra* Guess you were right.

[][][][][]

Toxin: Dude, I thought you could do a kickflip. Ghoul: I can! I can! I did one this morning!

[][][][][]

Val: Hey Vaya, do you have any gum? Vaya: *spits their gum out at him* Val: *blinks* Ok then- Vamos, do you have any gum? Vamos: *spits their gum out at him*

[][][][][]

Kit: *walking into Ghoul's room* Hey Toxin, Ghoul- Oh, you guys are doing dress rehearsal. Shiny. Auh, I'm gonna go to Tommy Chow Mein's shop real quick, you guys need anything? Hair dye, Power Pup?

[][][][][]

Widow: *holding up a jack-o-lantern* I made a goblin, what'd you guys make? Toxin: *holding her pumpkin turned into a bong* I made a kick-ass bong. Widow: ...creative! Diamond: *cutting a hole in theirs* I'm gonna fuck this pumpkin.

[][][][][]

Ghoul: *looking through a telescope* I love this Zone! Widow and Kit: *play wrestling in the dirt* Poison: Lemme see- *looks through telescope in the other direction* Kobra and Toxin: *fucking on the hood of the M240* Poison: Gorgeous.

[][][][][]

Diamond: *has been staring at the same ray gun for the past thirty minutes* Tommy Chow Mein: Buy something or fuck off.

[][][][][]

Val: Hey guys. Good alternative recycling; when you're done with a glass bottle, eat it. Fucking eat the bottle.

[][][][][]

Kobra: *reading sign outside the shower* No shoes, no shirt, no pants, no socks, no underwear. Kobra: Ok, I think I'm good. *gets in*

[][][][][]

Widow: Look at the buns on that guy. Jet: *laying on the ground covered in burger buns* Korse: This is the comedy police, the joke's too funny! Widow: *holding her ray gun* I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THE ICEBOX-

[][][][][]

Jet: *while he's in tears* It's a mental break down... Jet: *plays kazoo to the tune of Final Countdown*

[][][][][]

Dr. Death Defying: What'cha doing on the roof, Tommy? Tommy Chow Mein: *on the roof of his shop* I lost a frisbee. Dr. Death Defying: Are you smoking battery acid up there? Tommy Chow Mein: ...yeah.

[][][][][]

Pony: Keep drinking, Val, don't be boring! God! Pony: *to Diamond* I want him to fucking pass out so someone finally notices me.

[][][][][]

Poison: *wearing the Mousekat head while they’re standing in the empty hotel pool* Thrill: What the fuck? There's a furry in the pool. Poison: *raises their ray gun* Thrill: AA-

[][][][][]

Ghoul: *sliding into the trans-AM* What's up, pussy? Poison: How do you know what I ate yesterday? Ghoul: Poison: Ghoul: Yeah, you right. Poison: *starts the car* Mhm.

[][][][][]

Poison: *driving* Diamond: *in the backseat* POISON! Poison: Yep-? Yeah-?? Diamond: *pointing out the back window* LOOK! *there's a car full of Draculoids on their tail* Poison: OH! OH FUCK! floors it NO, NO, NO, NO! NO-

[][][][][]

Val: *lays on the floor* Ooh, I'm exhausted. Thrill: Yeah, you're really sweaty. Val: You should've seen the other guy- Girl- Your mom- What? Thrill: What? Val: What?

[][][][][]

Dr. Death Defying: *coming in at three AM over the radio* Stop it. Get some help.

[][][][][]

Jet: I'm gonna tell you what I don't do. I don't know shit, I don't get stuff, and I don't understand things.

[][][][][]

Thrill: So you'll do it? Kit: Yeah, man, I'll dust him. Thrill: For how much? Kit: How about thirty? Thrill: Thirty thousand carbons? Kit: *spits out drink*

[][][][][]

Widow: Can you sing the song? Dr. Death Defying: *singing* Shut the fuck and go to sleep- Widow: Thanks *:>*

[][][][][]

Toxin: *wielding a water gun* Put the carbons in the bag, right now- Tommy Chow Mein: That's a water gun. Toxin: *throws it at him* Tommy Chow Mein: Ow! Fine, asshole, just take it-

[][][][][]

Val: *walking out of the V's hideout* Last one out is a stupid idiot! The V's: *have been standing outside for the past hour*

[][][][][]

*before they got with the Pistols* Tommy Chow Mein: *over the loudspeaker* Would the owner of the lime green Honda please come to the front desk. Diamond: *walking over* Are my lights on? Tommy Chow Mein: No, I just wanted to see what you looked like. Your car's fucking ugly.

[][][][][]

Poison: You ready for the best night ever? Widow: You mean sleepy time tea and a good night's sleep? Poison: ...we're going to a Mad Gear concert. Widow: ...I already made the tea.

[][][][][]

Dr. Death Defying: *over the loudspeaker* Attention shoppers, our store closes in ten fucking minutes. Get your shit and let's fucking go. Tommy Chow Mein: *distantly* Hey, you don't fucking work here-

[][][][][]

Diamond: Pony is so annoying. Pony: *outside the window of their room* I heard you were talking shit about me- Diamond: WE ARE ON THE THIRD FLOOR-

[][][][][]

Toxin: 'Tommy Chow Mein' is short for 'Thomas Chowder Mainstreet'. Tommy Chow Mein: Get the fuck out.

[][][][][]

Diamond: *a sand pup* What up? I'm Diamond, I'm nineteen, and I never fuckin' learned how to read.

[][][][][]

Ghoul: *looms over Diamond* Diamond: *looks up from writing in a notebook* Ghoul: Diamond: Ghoul: Diamond: Diamond: I'm writing porn, what the fuck do you want? Ghoul: *loses it and fucks off*

[][][][][]

*at dinner* Jet: Short-ass. Poison: Cuck. Jet: Fuck you. Poison: No, fuck you. Jet: Eat shit and live. Poison: You look like you bite deodorant sticks. Jet: *holds up bowl* I will cut your hair to look like this. Poison: GHOUL, HE THREATENED ME-

[][][][][]

Val: *wild cackling* I GOT ANOTHER HEADSHOT! *cackling continues*

[][][][][]

Toxin: Oh Destroya. You don't think- Ghoul: By the way it's looking, Tox, I'd say Val's a dirty... Toxin: Oh Destroya- Ghoul: Collectivizing... Toxin: No- Ghoul: Gemini. Toxin: GEMINI! GEMINI! Ghoul: Yeah, go get him, Toxin! Toxin: REEEE- *runs in Val's direction* *screaming*

[][][][][]

Toxin: *holding her pet possum* Yeah, and spray him down with that shit in the bottle there. Kobra: *reading the label* For fleas and ticks, huh? Ghoul: *starts laughing in the distance* I'm sorry, for a sec I thought you said 'fleas and piss'! *laughter continues*  Thrill: We could get some of that for Poison then! *laughs* Toxin: *quietly* Party 'Piss Jacket' Poison.

[][][][][]

Diamond: *walking down to the kitchen* Fuck it, I'm hungry enough that I'll eat the stale cereal. Jet: It's five AM, also that cereal is beyond fucking stale. Diamond: *disappearing into the kitchen* I'll probably hate myself afterwards but, eh, am hungy.

[][][][][]

Widow: Kit, I think your dress rehearsal partner is gonna slap me. Kit: ...I'm sorry? I can't really stop 'em. Poison: *raises hand* Widow: AA-

[][][][][]

Kobra: It's almost six in the morning. What the fuck? Jet: Hi, almost six in the morning. I'm dead. Kobra: *-_-* Kobra: *0_0*

[][][][][]

*in the Nest* Val: *sits down with a can of Power Pup* Toxin: You happy? Val: Mhm. Toxin: Good. Your happiness distracts from the fact that I poisoned that Power Pup. Val: Good. I don't like my foods unpoisoned.

[][][][][]

Vaya: *eating a piece of bread* This bread is, like, on the precipice of being stale. Vamos: That sucks. Vaya: Yeah. Vamos: I wouldn't be too happy. Vaya: Yeah, it's the worst snack I've had the misfortune of eating. Vamos: Then stop? Vaya: No, I hate myself and therefore I'm gonna finish it. Also Val would kick my ass if I wasted food. Val: *from the next room* I would! Vaya: See? Vamos: Fine, finish your fuckin' bread.

[][][][][]

Thrill: You- You've been- Been- You've been- You've been hit with a distraction spell. Thrill: *punches Val in the thigh* Val: OW, YOU FUCKER- Thrill: *gets up and runs*

[][][][][]

Val: *opens pack of fruit snacks with teeth* Poison: *intense stare* Val: ...what? Poison: *points at fruit snacks* Val: No. Mine. Poison: I will fucking dismember you, give them to me.

[][][][][]

Ghoul: I don't see how you can sleep with that fucking blanket. I tried to once and it was so fucking hot. It also weighs more than me, probably. Poison: *curled up in a blanket* It's not my fault you're cold-blooded. Ghoul: *hisses* Jet: What'd you say about the cold-blooded? Poison: I was talking about Ghoul. Jet: Ah. Ghoul: Yeah, Jetty, you're friends with a reptilian. Kobra: *quietly* You're not Leafy. *the other three lose it*

[][][][][]

Poison: *slaps Kit's ass* Night! Poison: *goes to their room*

[][][][][]

Kobra: *walking up to his room* Widow: Why is it that whenever he walks on stairs, it sounds like the stairs are trying to eat him? Kobra: *turns around and squints*

[][][][][]

Diamond: Eugh, this off-brand ramen tastes like ass. Widow: Yeah, it really does. Diamond: If it's not Better Living brand, it's not ramen. Widow: That's what I told Thrill. Of course, I was ignored. Kit: Thrill has small pea brain.

[][][][][]

Val: Fight me. Ghoul: No. Val: Fight me. Ghoul: Diamond already tried to fight me in the kitchen, I don't wanna fight anybody else. Val: Beat my ass. Ghoul: I cannot. Val: Why? Ghoul: Ghoul: I'm small.

[][][][][]

Toxin: Hey, I said Kobra was cute, I didn't say he was smart. Kit: That...applies to me... Kit: Why does that apply to me??

[][][][][]

Toxin: *licks Kobra's cheek* Diamond: Don't lick that, you don't know where it's been! Kobra: *>:(*

[][][][][]

Poison: I'm too sober to be having this conversation! Toxin: No, we're having this conversation! What the fuck do you mean!?

[][][][][]

Val: I suck? I suck?? You died! You died! You just died and you’re saying I suck???

[natashasbanner]

Spies In Training

@esteicy-blog asked:  For the prompt: After all the drama Infinity War was can I request something prettier? Like an AUHS, just Bruce and Nat being two dorks, fluff please I need it xD

Also on AO3

It was early, far too early for Peter to be walking toward the entrance of school. But he and Ned had a project due that afternoon and got special permission to come in early to work on it. He cut through the football field and instantly regretted it when he realized how wet the turf still was.

“Come on,” he muttered, stopping on the other side to brush the pieces of fake grass from his shoes and pant leg.

He shook his head and bypassed the front entrance that would be locked until school officially started, but the back door was open for faculty and students arriving early like him. Peter skidded to a stop when he rounded the building, noticing the car that just pulled into the staff parking lot. The parking lot was already half full, but that was normal. What wasn’t normal was the two teachers getting out of the silver Prius.

Dr. Banner, the school’s best science teacher, stepped out of the driver’s seat. That wasn’t unusual, Peter knew it was it was his car, had seen him a few times early in the morning before. But he’d never seen Dr. Banner run around his car to open the passenger door and Miss Romanoff, the Latin teacher, step out.

Peter brought his hand up to cover his mouth, afraid to draw attention to himself, but on the inside he was freaking out. This was huge. Dr. Banner and Ms. Romanoff walked the short distance from his car all smiles and quiet laughs. Dr. Banner held the door for her and they disappeared into the school.

Peter took a few deep breaths to calm himself down before hurrying up the same stairs the two teachers used and into the building. He couldn’t wait to tell Ned what he saw.

“So.”

That’s all Ned had to say and a tired shrug to go with it.

“That’s it?” Peter asked, pacing in front of the desk where Ned sat. “That’s all you have to say?”

Ned sighed and looked up at him. “What else do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, but this is huge,” Peter said earnestly, stopping in front of Ned’s desk. “Don’t you remember when everyone found out about Ms. Miller and Miss Nolan, that’s all anybody talked about for weeks.”

Ned looked up with narrowed eyes. “Dude, they’re married. It wasn’t a secret.”

“Okay, but there’s something going on there. I know it. Wouldn’t it be cool to find out before everyone else this time around?”

Ned shook his head and went back to scribbling notes in his notebook. Peter held his breath and waited, knowing his friend well enough to know this wasn’t over. And as if on cue, Ned’s pencil stopped and he looked back up at Peter.

“It would be cool to know before the rest of the school.” Ned said, his expression softening into a goofy grin.

Peter clapped his hands together and took his seat across from Ned again. He felt a giddy excitement bubble up in his chest and he couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips.

“This is gonna be awesome.”

“Only if there is something going on,” Ned reminded him. “And just because you saw them this morning doesn’t mean anything. Teachers carpool all the time.”

Peter sighed, but nodded his head in agreement. “You’re right, we need more. Have you seen anything else that might help support our case?”

Ned brought his hand up to rub his thumb, over his chin in thought for a moment before shaking his head.

“I haven’t paid that much attention,” he answered honestly. “They’re teachers.”

Peter sighed and rolled his eyes. “Fair enough, let’s just agree to be more observant going forward.”

“Whatever you say,” Ned said, sounding unenthused. “Can we please get back to our actual homework now?”

“Yeah, sure,” Peter agreed, but on the inside he was already planning the rest of their day.

When the morning bell rang Peter and Ned went their separate ways. Ned had English first period, while Peter had Dr. Banner.

Like every morning, Dr. Banner stood at his door greeting each student as they entered the class room. He had the attendance roster on a clipboard in his hand, his glasses perched on the end of his nose.

“Morning, Mr. Parker,” he said when Peter walked past.

“Good morning,” Peter muttered, automatically heading for his desk. Suddenly an idea struck him to help jump start he and Ned’s little investigation.

“Hey, Dr. B?” he questioned as Dr. Banner closed the classroom behind the last student.

“Yes?”

“Me and Ned have this huge test last period that we forgot to study for, so we could come here during lunch?”

Dr. Banner eyed him for a moment and Peter wondered if he saw right through his lame excuse. Maybe he was taking this a little too serious, but his curiosity had gotten the best of him and there was no turning back now. It’d be a shame if Dr. Banner was on to him already.

“Remind me to write you a pass before you leave,” Dr. B finally answered.

“Thank you, Dr. B.”

Peter rocked back on his heels and hurried to his seat. While Dr. Banner got settled and dealt a couple stragglers, Peter pulled his phone out to text Ned about their new lunch plans. The response he got was less than thrilled, but he was sure Ned would be on board once he saw the evidence with his own eyes.

The day dragged on until it was finally lunch time. Peter met up with Ned in the hall and they hurried through the crowds of other students finding their friends and tables to be the first ones in line for food. They got through pretty quickly and headed out of the cafeteria toward Dr. Banner’s classroom.

“This better be worth it,” Ned said once they were far enough away from the cafeteria to hear themselves think. “I don’t want to spend forty minutes pretending to study Spanish. The test isn’t even until next week.”

“Just trust me,” Peter said turning the walk backwards so he was facing Ned.

“We were supposed to start my Lego Death Star today.”

“We’ll do it tomorrow, I swear,” Peter promised, putting his hand over his heart.

“Okay,” Ned conceded and Peter couldn’t help his pleased little smile.

But it didn’t last long. A door opening into the hall and before Peter could react he crashed into whoever stepped into the hallway. He heard books hit the floor behind him was more focused on not spilling his lunch all over the floor.

“I’m so sorry,” he said once his tray was balanced in his hands again.

He turned around to see Michelle staking up her books. Of course it had to be her, Peter thought feeling his face warm involuntarily and his heart beat a little faster. He was pretty sure Michelle hated him, so it only made sense that he made an absolute fool of himself whenever she was around.

“Where are you guys going?” she asked with a raised eyebrow, standing back up.

She was taller than both him and Ned and it only added to her whole intimidating demeanor.

Ned, who wasn’t nearly as affected by Michelle as Peter, answered.

“We’re going to eat lunch in Dr. B’s room and pretend to study so Peter can spy on him and Miss Romanoff.”

“Dude,” Peter sighed and looked down at the slice of pizza on his tray to avoid the judgemental look he could feel coming from Michelle.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” he said.

“You guys are weird,” was all Michelle had to say.

Peter looked up to see her turn around and start down the hallway, away from the cafeteria.

“Why aren’t you going to lunch?” he asked suddenly realizing that they weren’t the only ones wandering the halls.

“The library’s quieter,” Michelle answered without turning around.

Peter and Ned exchanged a look, confused as always by Michelle and followed her to the end of the hall. Before they reached the end where it split into to side hallways, Michelle stopped and looked at them over her shoulder.

“Banner and Miss Romanoff are married,” she said matter of factly before hurrying out of sight.

Peter furrowed his brow and looked at Ned. Ned raised his eyebrows but Peter shook his head.

“She’s lying,” he decided. “Just to screw with us.”

“Totally.”

Dr. Banner’s door was open when they finally reached his classroom and Ned knocked on the doorframe before they walked in. Dr. B was sitting at his desk in the back of the room, focused on his computer screen.

“I was starting to think you two weren’t coming,” he said as they set their stuff down on a table near the front of the room.

“The lunch line was long,” Ned told him and Dr. B nodded dully.

“Well you know the rules,” he started. “Treat this as a study hall and clean up after yourselves.”

“Of course,” Peter said, pulling out his Spanish textbook while Ned did the same.

They quickly settled into their usual routine by practicing the flashcards Peter made at the beginning of the chapter, though only half heartedly. Between bites of pizza, Peter couldn’t help but glance over at Dr. Banner. He wasn’t doing much outside entering grades into his computer, but every couple minutes his phone would vibrate against his desk. A few times Peter caught him smiling at his screen and knew it had to be Miss Romanoff.

He pointed it out to Ned, but he wasn’t as easily convinced.

“That doesn’t prove anything,” Ned whispered, glancing over to Dr. B whose thumbs were flying over his phone keyboard.

The bell rang and Peter quickly looked back down at his textbook when Dr. Banner looked over at them. Technically their lunch was over, but lunch periods were half periods so they still had twenty five minutes to get the solid proof they needed.

“I assume you’ll be staying through study hall?” he asked.

“If you don’t mind?” Peter asked.

“Stay as long as you need.”

They went back to their “studying”, but Peter was starting to get bored. Maybe Ned was right, maybe he was reading too much into this for the sake of good gossip. He usually didn’t care, but Dr. B was one of his favorite teachers and Miss Romanoff was pretty awesome too. There had to be an interesting story behind those two getting together and he was invested in seeing this through.

His patience was rewarded, however, not long after the warning bell sounded. None other than Miss Romanoff waltzed into Dr. B’s open door with a take out bag and cup carrier in hand.

“The line was ridiculous, but they gave me an extra order of fries,” she calls out as she enters the room, eye cast downward into the bag.

Peter held his breath, eyes wide as she walked right past him and Ned. He watched her set the bag down in front of Dr. Banner and start to lean down to him, but Dr. B cleared his throat nodded toward them.

Peter and Ned both turned quickly, with no subtlety at all and started flipping through flashcards at random.

“Does that mean you won’t eat all of mine?” He heard Dr. B tease quietly and glanced over to watch them.

There was an easy familiarity between them that Peter hadn’t been expecting and he was starting to think Michelle hadn’t been lying completely. He felt like they were intruding on their personal time together, but it was too late to turn back now. They were stuck until the bell rang again.

Peter watched them out of the corner of his eye. Miss Romanoff rolled her eyes at Dr. Banner and grabbed a chair from one of the tables and sat by the end of his desk. Her back was to Peter, but he saw her look over her shoulder at him and Ned before muttering something to Dr. B in another language. It wasn’t Latin, because that would be too easy. If he had to guess, Peter thought it sounded like Russian and Dr. B joined in with her. They both laughed and acted like Peter and Ned weren’t there.

“This feels weird,” Ned whispered after a few minutes.

“I know,” Peter whispered back, looking over at the teachers who were too wrapped up in their own conversation to pay them any mind. “But do you believe me now?”

“I guess,” Ned conceded, eyeing them himself. “What do we do now?

They were laughing again, Miss Romanoff’s hand over Dr. B’s on the desk.

Peter shrugged. “I didn’t think that far ahead.”

Ned just laughs a little under his breath and Peter can’t help but laugh with him. This whole thing was starting to feel silly, but it was fun to pretend to be spies.

They finished up their “studying” and cleaned up their trays. Five minutes before the bell was set to ring, they headed for the door.

“Thanks Dr. B,” Ned said on their way out.

“Any time boys,” he said standing from his desk to clear his and Miss Romanoff’s mess. “Good luck on your test.”

Peter bit the inside of his lip to keep from laughing.

“Thanks,” he muttered and ducked out of the room quickly.

“I can’t believe we just got away with that,” Ned breathed out with a sigh of relief once they were down the hall, away from Dr. B’s door.

“We could totally be spies or something,” Peter laughed, bumping his shoulder against Ned’s.

Ned stopped suddenly and turned back toward the classroom. “I think I left my book in there.”

Peter followed closely behind him and they both stopped dead in their tracks at the door.

“Dude,” Ned whispered at the sight in front of them.

Dr. B sat on the desk and Miss Romanoff stood in front of him. Her hands were on his shoulders while his were wrapped loosely around her waist. Peter watched in shock as they kissed, gentle and loving, oblivious to the rest of the world.

Peter regained his senses quickly and smacked Ned’s arm and they backed out of the room, nearly sprinting down the hall and around the corner. The bell rang, but they didn’t stop until they reached the cafeteria. They got a few looks from the other students they passed, but ignored them.

“Holy shit,” Ned said, gasping for breath as they returned their trays to the window with the rest of the dishes.

“I know.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know.”

They followed the hoard of students leaving the cafeteria and parted ways until the last period of the day. They met at the end of the languages hall, still a bit shell shocked from their lunch time revelation.

Their Spanish class was at the end of the long hall and they had to walk past Miss Romanoff’s room in order to get to it. Like most teachers, she was standing outside her door handing out worksheets as students entered. Peter pointedly watched his feet, picking up the pace a little, hoping she wouldn’t notice them. They were almost in the clear but were stopped by her calling out Ned’s name.

“Dr. Banner said you’d be down this way today,” she said, holding up a finger and going into her classroom to grab something on her desk.

She stepped back out with Ned’s textbook in her hand.

“You left this in his classroom.”

“Oh, uh, thank you,” Ned stuttered out, reaching for the book.

She held it back and gave them a look that had Peter shaking in his boots.

“Just so we’re clear,” she started, her tone ice cold. “What you saw during lunch, doesn’t leave that room.”

“We didn’t see anything,” Peter lied, nervous under her steely gaze.

“Am I understood?” she asked again, her eyebrows raised at them.

The warning bell went off over head and Peter and Ned nodded, unable to speak.

Miss Romanoff handed over Ned’s book and nodded down the hall.

They took the hint and scurried off to Spanish.

“I’ve never been more terrified in my life, man.” Ned said once they were sitting at their shared table in the back of the classroom.

Peter nodded with wide eyes. “Let’s agree to never do that again.”

“Agreed.”

[anime-dub-transcripts]

Hetalia: World Stars Episode #1: Oddballs Part 1 Transcript

This episode has a World Meeting.

Cat: Snore! Meow…

Narrator: You are entering a world of oddballs.

(Cat: Meow…)

Narrator: Some exist for mere days, while others endure for ages, and some change beyond recognition. Some born of pure passion; others, material desires.

{Caption: ?}

Narrator: But all pacify us as their true masters dig their tendrils into our pockets.

(Cat: Meow?)

Narrator: This is the world of Youtubers. Psych, they’re governments; Hetalia’s back!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{Caption: Pop}

Italy: Auh, good! I just barely did not make it to the meeting! Italy’s here! Mark me present!

Hungary: Did you get any sleep?

(Vietnam: Hm?)

{Caption: Stares}

Italy: Oh crap, was I the only one who hadn’t shown up yet?

Austria: Not quite.

Dream Spain: I got a late start.

Austria: Spain emailed us a little while ago and said he would be late, so someone is doing even worse than you.

Italy: Yay for me! I am not quite the worst of---auh!

Germany: You could try to be on time for just one meeting, dummkopf!

(Italy: Auha! Aah, aah! Auh, auh!)

(Dummkopf!: Idiot!/Fool! → German)

Italy: Ah!

Germany: Be more like Japan.

(Italy: Ah!)

Germany: He got here before even I did.

Italy: Aah!

(Germany: Auh!)

Japan: Euh!

Italy: Yay!

Japan: I realize it is your custom, but perhaps you could…not…bathe me in saliva?

(Italy: Ciao, ciao! Smoochie, smoochie, smoochie, smoochie! Ciao!)

(Ciao!: Hello! → Italian)

Germany: We won’t get mad if you slap him.

(Italy: Smoochie, ciao, smoochie!)

(Ciao: Hello → Italian)

Italy: Ah! It's okay, Japan; your issues with intimacy do not bother me!

Japan: Thank you very much. I am sorry to impose on you.

Seychelles: Now I’ll continue my presentation. My home is a humble place isolated in the fair waters of the Indian Ocean.

Dream Seychelles: Ahonhon!

Seychelles: The sun and stars gleam brilliantly off the sea.

(Dream Seychelles: Ahonhonhonhon!)

Germany: The important points are all summarized for you here.

(Italy: Auh?)

Italy: Ah! Thanks, Germany! I was on an errand before the meeting, but then a cute girl showed up and I forgot about it completely.

Germany: You were late because of a girl?!

Italy: And she didn’t even look at me. My horoscope was horrible today, so I blame the stars.

{Caption: Italy likes horoscopes}

Dream Italy: Ve!

Italy: But the errand was to get this photo developed and I did do that part.

Germany: Eh? A photo of what?

Italy: You and a group of random guys getting wasted, European-girl-wasted, at Oktoberfest!

{Caption: Germany is serious, but even he can get carried away during Oktoberfest}

Germany: DUAH! YOU CAN’T JUST SHOW THAT TO EVERYBODY!

France: Surely you can show it to me, non?

(Non?: No? → French)

Germany: Duah!

(Italy: Auah)

France: Ahonhonhonhon! A picture, s’il vous plaît!

(S’il vous plaît!: Please! → French)

France: I have a lovely photograph for all to see!

Germany: The cheese-eating swine! There is no choice! Special move! Wer andenes…KUGELSCHREIBER!

(Wer andenes…KUGELSCHREIBER!: Who else…PEN!)

Italy: That was such a cool word!

Japan: A special move?

Germany: KEE-YAH!

{Caption: Note: Kugelschreiber means a ballpoint pen in German}

France: Ahaua!

Austria: We have not even finished yet with the meeting, idioten!

(Italy: Germany is the coolest! Yay for me! Yay for me!)

(Idioten!: Idiots! → German)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{Writing on whiteboard: Meeting in order for Greece to improve in the future}

Germany: Moving on, we’re still looking for ways to help Greece deal with his debt, so please speak up if you have any ideas.

France: Perhaps he could sell to Hollywood a low-budget Greek knockoff of a low-budget Hollywood film like the one named Murderous Tomatoes Attack.

Germany: You mustn’t wish this into existence.

(France: Honhon!)

Germany: And if you do, you shall watch it no fewer than 15,000 times.

(France: Whoo ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh…)

Italy: Ooh, over here! They should elect hot people to run their government and charge a subscription fee!

{Caption #1: A pretty woman and a handsome man are in trouble!}

{Caption #2: Their pretty bodies will make you want to invest!!}

Italy: Hot people don’t have to be good at things!

Germany: Are you---yes, of course you’re serious; I forgot who I was talking to. Eum…but that might work.

Hungary: They should try and be more productive, perhaps working longer hours would be the best?

Germany: Greece goes to work early and stays quite late, so he actually spends more time on the clock than most anyone else here. The problem ist how little of it is spent doing actual work.

(Ist: Is → German)

Greece: I know.

Germany: What’s that, Greece? You think you have a good idea?

Greece: Hm…what if we just abolished the concept of debt?

Germany: Uh, we’ll need to have a sidebar about that.

{Caption: Hahahahahaha}

Hungary: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah!

(France: Blah blah blah blah blah!)

(Britain: Blah! Blah blah blah!)

(America: Hahahahaha!)

Germany’s thoughts: They get so unmanageable when you ask them for anything at all.

(France: Blah blah, blah blah blah!)

(Britain: Blah blah blah blah!)

(America: Hahahahaha!)

Russia: Friend Germany!

Germany: Eh?

Russia: Would you notice me why for I am being so quiet today?

Germany: I hadn’t even noticed you were being quiet.

Russia: But now I say so to you, yes?

(France: Blah blah blah blah!)

Germany: Since you insist on pointing out how quiet you are, I suppose it will not kill me to ask you why.

(France: Blah blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!)

Russia: For paying very close attention to words of America and allow me to make good reaction.

Germany: Dueh?! So you’re only talking to me to make threats against someone else?!

Russia: Ehum! No, is joke! I always am listening to everyone very well, for to me, sound of voices is precious. And in the long winters of my homeland, there are no such voices to be heard. Only the piercing howl of the wind, and the roaring of the tundra in my heart.

{Caption: Hahahahahaha}

Russia: But later, I come here and listen to voices of dear comrades, and friendship thaws the ice of loneliness.

(France: Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah!)

(Britain: Blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah!)

(America: Hahahahahaha!)

Germany: Ja? I never knew it meant so much to you.

(France: Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah!)

(Britain: Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah!)

(America: Hahahahahaha!)

(Ja?: Yes? → German)

Russia: And then they start to piss me off again. What is best way of killing that has not yet been banned by convention?

(France: Blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah!)

(Britain: Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah!)

(America: Hahahahahaha!)

Narrator: This is what we’re all here for, right?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liechtenstein: What are you burning there, Germany?

Germany: Ist my remorse.

(Ist: Is → German)