#ANYWWAYS IGNORE MY BABBLING DOWN HERE DONT MIND ME.

[izzysarchivedblogs]

Clint laughs as he asks what got him on Jessica Drew's shit list, which he knows the both of them will get in trouble for even talking about her like this; or at least Clint did. He's never sought out to make himself swallowable for other people; they liked him, they didn't. They clapped at his performances, or they weren't impressed. And if they weren't impressed, well he would like to see them try, he would like to see them survive.

Jessica Drew didn't like him, and that's on him for being an asshole by. . . . well, he never claimed to be smart or mindful of his words. No brain to mouth filter. ❝ Well, when I first met her I called her Carol and in my defense, she was blonde and her 'nd Sparkle are like cojoined twins or those people who start to look like their dogs. ❞ Yeah, he'd be one of those people if Bobbi hasn't kept Lucky in the divorce.

Clint defines himself with words, but they were always the wrong words. Orphan, runaway, carnie, father, ex-husband; PILOT. Those were his words, who he was going to be but Clint could fit into any role he's put into; because the right words were competent, diligent, compassionate, devoted, clever. IT'S NEVER THOSE WORDS.

It's nouns, it's the troubles he's caused and not the troubles he's been through, not what he survived and he could do given any amount of time, any amount of need. Clint was a good pilot, because there were only two options and no greys; be good or go home. And he's never had a home to go to, and certainty not when he came to Starfleet.

He's a malleable element, went wherever he could fit and piloting his new skill; he liked the challenge of piloting, of navigation, and maybe there's a tale about a boy with no home being a pilot, learning navigation, and on starship sailing through the stars.

ASKING THE CAPTAIN TO TAKE HIS WORD ⸻ It's a big, it's taking the hard-earned trust that Leonard was right about him and Jim, that he was good people and he'd get along better with; extending it out to Jim beyond the bar nights from the Academy days; and let him prove that he's a guy to always have in the Captain's corner. Asking for a leap of faith, to not look into Clint and let him give him the pieces; PROVE HIMSELF.

His blues hold on Jim's, nodding his head at the glance and telling him the small pieces about himself; about how he feels about Iowa and where he came from. There's a lot of wounded pride, some shame, but he's not coming from a place ever where he wouldn't admit to where he's been.

The OH I SEE gets Clint to chuckle, because he's not sure what he thought about him before but ex-wife was a definitely the word to pick out there. ❝ That's why Lenny's my drinking buddy, brotherhood forged in following the same guide in how to wreck your marriage. ❞ There's a laugh, something tight in his chest because it's the first bond he's formed since the proverbial day everything went wayside. It's an important bond, one held onto tightly. They got sober togehter, shared in the hell of trying to repair themselves. Pride felt over this bond too, something he's sure that Jim will relate to. They shared friends, people they loved. They should know each other better.

Clint's not feeling like he'll share much more than that, but if the captain humors him more like this than he's bound to talk more about Bobbi Bird, at the least. She was a huge part of him. ❝ Really? Not an ounce? ❞ He says coolly, but just as Jim didn't dig; than Clint won't either. Believe it or not, Clint's not going to pick at someone else's scab; not if he doesn't want to hurt them and he doesn't want to hurt.

Except, there are a few things that he does pick out from what Jim had to say that Clint is going to comment on.

Observations, things he could identify with and being a few years sober now, which felt like a hell of a climb and gave him clarity. WISEDOM, something he could try to impart. ❝ There's something I learnt, it's called PERSONAL hell, not just HELL. It follows you where you go. ❞ And doesn't Clint know that well, he lives with his in his person. It lives with the Captain too, but he's not pushing.

❝ I don't see myself getting old either, hell, it's feat I did find a way to make it to my thirties. ❞ There's a lot to that, a loaded statement. ❝ DON'T COUNT YOURSELF OUT ⸺ I mean, god I can't figure out if I'm going to be the hottest looking old man alive or the ugliest son of a bitch. ❞ He changes course, adding a bit of humor for levity. Allow for Jim to latch onto that, and change the topic as he pleases.

it’s  hard  for  him  not  to  think  both  as  a  friend       &       as  a  captain  as  Clint  reveals  more  of  his  observations.       he  possesses  qualities  that  make  him  ideal  for  particular  missions  that  require  a  certain  finesse,       a  chameleon-like  adaptability  to  seamlessly  blend  in       &       extract  the  necessary  information.      

while  he  is  currently  serving  as  his  beloved  navigator  into  the  unknown,       Jim  feels  an  innate  certainty  that  he  would  willingly       &       competently  step  into  whatever  role  is  required  of  him  for  the  benefit  of  their  crew.       a  short  lived  laugh  escapes  him.       attention  is  attention,       whether  it’s  love,       or  hate  coming  his  way.       in  his  experience,       attention  is  something  he  has  always  courted,       whether  it  comes  wrapped  in  adoration  or  animosity.      

to  him,       the  spotlight  is  not  a  source  of  discomfort     ;       rather,       it's  where  he  feels  most  alive  & in  his  element.       let  it  be  blindingly  bright                          he  still  thrives.       ❝          i  bet  the  correct  reading  was  something  a  little  less  funny.          ❞       he’s  a  pain  in  the  ass  for  his  crew  just  as  they  are  in  his.       it’s  the  perfect  balance  aboard  their  beloved  Enterprise.       it’s  what  keeps  them  alive       :       having  the  guts  to  confront  others  so  they  become  better  versions  of  themselves.      

is  that  what’s  happening  to  the  two  of  them  now     ?       ❝          how  did  you  get  on  her  shit  list     ?       not  that  it’s  hard  to  get  on  there.          ❞       the  lighthearted  air  about  him  disappears  rather  quick.       he  knows  Clint  means  what  he  says  about  his  file.       &       for  Jim,       his  past  should  not  dictate  his  future.      

people  change       ;       he  has  full  faith  in  that.       &       his  gut  feeling  is  seldom  wrong.       ❝          I  KNOW.          ❞       he  punctuates  that  brief  statement,       his  piercing  gaze  on  the  other’s.       although  they  haven’t  said  too  much  about  this  particular  subject,       it  feels  as  if  the  glance  they  exchanged  told  volumes  of  stories.      

❝          i  love  the  outdoors  too,       actually.       oh     .  .  .       i  see.          ❞       he’s       DYING       to  ask  about  his  past  life,       however  he  fights  himself  not  to.       he  isn’t  sure  what  can  of  worms  that  could  open  for  him.       the  captain  doesn’t  want  to  cause  him  discomfort.       though,       he  will  slip  one  day,       eventually,       &       want  to  learn  what  happened  with  his  ex-wife.       he  cannot  help  himself  from  being  nosy  when it comes to  those  who  he  cares  about.      

❝          no     .  .  .       i  don’t  miss  it       AT  ALL.       there’s  nothing  there  for  me.          ❞       a  sharp  lie,       one  that  quietly  slides  under  his  skin  like  a  knife,       aiming  at  his  heart  that  still  twists  when  the  subject  is  blood  family.       his  relationships  with  his  mother       &       brother  are  open       WOUNDS.       ❝          i’m  not  a  religious  guy,       but  if  there’s  such  a  thing  as  the  afterlife,       i’m  sure  Iowa  would  be  my       PERSONAL  HELL.       i  don’t  plan  on  settling  down  on  Earth  let  alone  on  that  hellhole.       i don't see myself getting old.          ❞