#ANYWAYS... i am so sorry this took literal months. college and art challenges have been kicking my ass

[attaboy-art]

hi, yes, I would like to honestly see Bronev or the Masked Gentleman and like the good sides of them tryna break free maybe? if that's too difficult, just one of the two is okay!

i may have, once again, gone just a little overboard

[Image ID: A digital painting of, from left to right, Randall Ascot as the Masked Gentleman, Teen Randall, and Craggy Dale Randall, all in front of a black background. Each Randall has their own halo that is slightly melting. The Masked Gentleman does not have his mask, wig, or hat, and is staring down at his hands, which are covered in blood. He is visibly distressed. His coattails blow behind him and one of his wings is visible, stretching out to the right. Light is cast on him from below. Teen Randall is behind him, drawn from the chest up from behind the wing and in profile facing the right, holding his head high and smirking, looking back at the Masked Gentleman. He is cast in a softer, golden light from above. Craggy Dale Randall is drawn slouching and also from the chest up and in profile to the right, behind the other Randalls, holding up one hand with sand in his palm that is trickling out. He is drawn in a dimmer light with harsher shadows. The edges of the black canvas are colored a dark teal. Dark grey text at the top reads, with no spaces between the words or punctuation, "What have I done? You died! When you come back, you will never be the same." /.End ID.]

(accompanying poem below the cut)

what did i do?

you died.

why couldn't i live longer?

the truth is something you do not deserve

the truth is that the world should've moved on without you

you know this already.

so all you can do is rebuild

so lay down your sword,

farmer,

and shape yourself into the world you thought you left

and become a parody of yourself,

martyr,

be a symbol

or die trying.

sink into me and know yourself.

[kissmeonearth-]

2020

I was 17 when I created my first tumblr account (holla to my decemberlights account) and used it heavily in my early 20s. In December 2019, I turned 28 and time fucking flies. 

Looking back on all my old entries, so much has and hasn’t changed. From 19-21, I wrote about how I wanted to travel the world, my anxieties about getting older, and what was the beginning of the relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. In one of my entries, I literally wrote that I wanted to be married at 25 and have kids in my late 20s. I was trying to figure out how to get my career started when I was stuck doing shift work at a dead-end assembly plant. 

In some ways, I still have those same anxieties. When I graduated university in 2015, I went back to college to do a 6 month course in graphic design. I ended up working at an agency for 3.5 years right after I finished college.

In 2019, I took a leave of absence from my job because I wanted to travel. At that point, I was so tired and burnt out. I was grossly underpaid, but I did it because I needed ~*eXpErIeNcE*~. I spent 5 months travelling around Asia and spent 3 weeks in Europe. I desperately wanted a break, but I also felt like I had nothing going for me at that point. Travelling was an escape because I wanted to find myself, but also it felt like the right time to get up and go. I met my dad’s side of the family in Cambodia and France. I met tons of people, spent a lot of time alone, wondered around streets, did a lot of food tours, visited every art museum I could see, did a lot of hikes, almost died on a boat, and spent way too much time transiting through airports. It opened my mind to the world and helped me get in touch with my Asian roots. But more importantly, the experience taught me how to be comfortable with myself and how to be resourceful. 

When I was last on tumblr, David and I had just started dating. I wrote about how we met, how much he liked me, and how uncertain I was about him initially. I wrote about how we started dating and how happy I was in the beginning of our relationship. That was in 2013. 

In 2017, we broke up. It was one of the hardest breakups I ever experienced. At the time, my grandpa had passed away about 2-3 months prior and that was already rough on me. We broke up for a lot of reasons, but I think the main one was that we were growing apart and didn’t see eye-to-eye on our future. Towards the end of our relationship, I desperately wanted us to move in together and get engaged. We were planning on it and he even bought me a ring. Looking back on it now, I think if we had gone through with it, we would’ve broken up shortly after anyway. Moving in together and getting engaged would’ve amplified our problems even more. 

So to the 2011 me – no, you didn’t get married at 25 and you sure as hell didn’t have kids in your late 20s. I later realized after me and David broke up that I just didn’t want to have kids. And to all the boys I meet on dating apps, this doesn’t mean I hate children, I just have no desire to be a parent. 

I also realized that had me and David stayed together, I honestly don’t think my life would have been the same. I think I would’ve been complacent. I wouldn’t have grown in the ways I have since we broke up. He isn’t a bad guy, but it’s just unfortunate that we didn’t work out. It’s a lot clearer to me now that we weren’t really meant to be in the long run, but the relationship taught me a lot about what it meant to be in a meaningful, loving relationship. 

In 2014 (sorry for jumping around), I was diagnosed with anxiety. I never realized I had it until I was formally diagnosed and it only became more amplified when I was in my last year of university. I went to therapy for 2 months, but stopped because I felt it wasn’t working. In November 2019, I decided to make the conscious choice to go to therapy again. 

I’ve been incredibly private about my anxiety because I’ve always been told that I always worry about nothing. Having my parents be extremely dismissive of my problems made me incredibly reluctant to seek help. It was only more recently that I felt my anxiety was starting to get worse again. I’ve always had this overwhelming thought in my head that I was never good enough and it was always everyone else over me. I learned through therapy that my anxiety was a symptom of a larger problem, which was my low self-esteem. As of now, I’m still working on it and I know it’s going to take a lot of time to undo the years of negativity. I’m hopeful because I want to get better and I feel a strong sense of responsibility to make it happen. 

At 28, I am still hopeful. 

But I’m also terrified.

I realized that the beauty of life is that you have no idea what’s going to happen. Sometimes it surprises you, and sometimes you just need to have blind faith when you take that step into the unknown. Part of my anxiety was letting go of what I couldn’t control. I had a friend tell me (even though I’m not religious) that she prays to God that he gives her strength to always handle what’s coming next. I think that’s a great way to frame things and brought a different perspective how people handle their challenges.

I might not have everything, but at the end of the day I’m grateful to be alive. Everyday is a new day to try again, to start again, and maybe get closer to where I need to be. 

And if you actually read this far, thank you. Not sure why I felt compelled to write this, but I feel a lot better letting it all out. 

[womensvoices-blog1]

I’m Tristi Ann Armes. I was born and raised in Nashville, TN. I’m 31 years old, and I’m finally a senior at Middle Tennessee University. My major is liberal studies with minors in Art and Psychology. I currently have an associates degree in Visual Communications, intention Photography from Nashville State Community College. I think it’s important to mention, I was raised by a single mother who died from cancer when I was 24. I took on the responsibility of caring for my 12 year old sister at the time, who is now 18 and in college herself. THANK GOD! 

In my free time, I design really unique, bold, colorful statement jewelry which has brought much passion to my life. I love being outside, hanging with friends, traveling, drinking wine, and making art. One of my life aspirations is to never stop learning but always continuing growth by being curious about life, and the possibilities around me. I am forever grateful for this Multicultural women’s class, and I hope everyone finds something valuable from our candid conversations. 

How would you describe your love life, relationship status:

I am recently single. I was with a man for three and a half years, who ghosted me after I asked him what he wanted…as in moving in together, marriage, kids. But if we are being completely honest, I would’ve been “settling” if I had decided to stay with him. He’s a good person, just not a good boyfriend. (sorry not sorry). He taught me some good lessons though (laughs).  I’m currently back to the dating world. It’s been rough but I recently met someone who has potential. When I say it’s been rough, I don’t mean terrible, I just mean full of different emotions. When I was first single, I RECYCLED, as my best friend would say. I hung out with my “first love,” who is the epitome of a “bad boy” in my eyes, but also felt like the only “home” I had left (we dated for around 10 years).  When he kissed me, criticized me for the past, and made me want to punch things, like all the previous years, I was reminded of why I stopped “recycling” in the first place. People really do not change. I can’t even say that I’ve changed, I’ve just grown. I dated a guy, totally different from my usual, who was following me on instagram, so after stalking his profile I was like “dang, he’s cute” soooo.... I “slid into his DMs” (laughs)…yeah…that didn’t work out. After we “hungout” for a month or so, he decided to “work it out” with the girl he had been living with. P.O.S. (that means piece of sh**). Anyways, what he taught me was very crucial. He taught me that there are actually men out there who have similar interests as me, which I have never dated anyone who had the same kinds of hobbies or interests as me. He also taught me the power of the rebound. I stopped trying to figure out why I wasn’t “good enough” for my ex, and I think it’s mainly because he popped into my life so quickly and woke me up to all the possibilities. Anyways…new guy…is AWESOME…except that he lives 9 hours away and we only hung out twice before he went back home haha! We met at an event that we were both working, and he has turned out to be very kind, polite, thoughtful, and funny. He asks questions, remembers what I tell him, is interested in sharing things about his life, he is talented and inspiring, we like to do similar things, but he also has his own hobbies and he seems to be family oriented.  But, I’m trying to just “go with the flow” in order to avoid hurt and disappointment. But isn’t that kind of sad? Or am I just protecting myself? At what point do women just decide to go “all in” without all the thoughts of how wrong it could go? At what point do men decide the same thing? There have been tinder dates, and guys from my classes who have pursued me, but the 4 men I am talking about today, have had the most significance in my life and growth recently. I am grateful for the lessons from all of them. 

Do you feel pressured by society, family/friends to be in a relationship or actively dating?

I for sure feel pressured by society and some friends and family. As soon as I was single again, my best friend was like, “get on match.com, this girl I know found this guy, on this and that.”  She has also said she just doesn’t want me to be alone forever, she wants me to find a FAMILY. But I also have friends who don’t care to date (Tina) and don’t care what I do, but protect me from idiots who try to do me wrong (instagram guy). My grandma, my grandfathers second wife/widow, gave me the family cookbook she only gives to women who are getting married, when I was 18. She just had a feeling that I wouldn’t marry young, or maybe ever. She is constantly asking about my dating life though and always tells me to keep up the hope haha! Im 31 now, and I feel like the pressure is on to find someone, or  maybe it’s just a “southern” thing. So maybe, I should just move to NYC like I’ve always wanted to do. Goodbye, Nashville! (laughs) 

How do you think your relationship status has changed you as a person, and how do you view yourself as a woman?

I think as I’ve gotten older, and single AGAIN, which I say again like I’ve been in a lot of relationships, but I haven’t. Honestly, I think being single fits me more than being in a relationship. Or maybe I’ve been single longer so I’m just more comfortable with that. The last relationship I was in made me feel like a different person. Anyways, now I’m more open to new things, new people, and being more compassionate towards others. I think a lot of my married pals live “vicariously” through me, but dating is hard sometimes, the LONELINESS makes you do things you otherwise wouldn’t. Such as, “drunk texting”, hanging out with ex-boyfriends, or hooking up with guys you know you don’t have a future with. I’m literally sitting at a restaurant drinking wine, eating dinner, all alone, writing this, and honestly, I don’t have a care in the world about being alone. Today, anyways. It took me 31 years to say, “I’m a woman.” Usually, I still see myself as a teenager. (laughs…a lot) To me when I hear the word woman, I think: Independent/makes her own decisions without the approval of anyone else, doesn’t need a “relationship” to be happy, wears high heels and pencil skirts, makes men feel “intimidated”, confident as hell, single and/or married, laughs a lot, witty, intelligent, and maybe a mother. As a “woman,” I trust myself more. I know my body more. I stand up from myself more. I say what I want more. I put up with less crap more. I know where to tell a man to touch me, and I’m not afraid to say it, and if someone doesn’t like me because of these things, then…ON TO THE NEXT ONE…GOODBYE, once again. Losing my mom at the age of 24 brought challenges. Mothers, at this age are the most important figures in our lives. We have past the teenage, hormonal phase, and now we are looking for aspirations from our moms. Our moms are guiding us more now, helping us grow more than ever, and being our biggest support at this age (generally), or maybe just in my mind. Not having my mom, I’ve had to figure out how to be a “woman” on my own and what that looks like to me. All I know at this moment is, I’m manifesting my own damn destiny and that tomorrow is not promised so, YOLO! I’m making the rules for my life from this moment on, because I deserve it. It’s also important to me to be a good influence on my sister, and I know I can only do that by becoming the best version of myself, and following my dreams. 

The song that defines me is Lizzo-Good As Hell (at least for the past year). Here’s the video ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmbmeOgWsqE

[wynndygoon]

1st Anniversary!

This will be sort of a recap post encompassing all of what has happened over this first year. So get ready, this will be a long post!

I started this blog shortly after I got my drawing tablet as a means to try and get better at using the damn thing. Needless to say, I think that it has been more than a success and has also been an amazing opportunity to meet all of you amazing people who have gotten invested in Noma and what she is and who she is as a character. And, while this past year hasn’t been perfect, it has been a wondorous experience filled with laughs and new bonds that frankly, I never would have made otherwise. Same goes to me trying out new things such as streaming, downloading Discord, and just flat out putting my art out there in this world for people to see and hopefully fall in love with.

So this whole blog, and the lady we all know and love, Noma, wouldn’t have been here if it weren’t for chance. If you are new or never read the post explaining her past, the short version is: I had a Blaziken that hatched from an Egg in pokemon Black. It was a female, and I named her Noma, and it turned out that she had a bunch of good EV’s and IV’s, so I used her a lot through the game. Well when X and Y came out, I got the launch event Torchic that had better stats than Noma, so in a stupid move, I wonder Traded her away, hoping that someone else would like her just as much as I did. Fast forward a few months before I started this blog, and one of my friends traded me a bunch of pokemon since he didn’t really play much anymore. Long story short, he traded me back Noma. So while I had this idea about starting a pokemon ask blog, I never knew which pokemon i wanted to use, until Noma popped back into my life. As soon as that happened, I knew I had to make her my character.

So next came the design phase, and while I never was amazing at creating characters, I knew that I had to try and make her look unique to stand out from the crowd. And When I say unique, i think I went a bit too overboard with her, but at least we can still tell she is a blaziken, right? Anyways, I knew that I wanted to make her somewhat Tomboy-ish, while still having her be feminine as to not confuse people. I also knew that one easy way to accomplish this was to make her a little more fluffy and poofy, so believe it or not, I started with her hair design and went from there. I knew that if i could nail the hair, then everything would kinda fall into place. So that is why she has just SO MUCH HAIR, because form a design point, it was necessary. Also, making her wear clothes would help her stand out seeing as many poke-ask blogs leave their characters nude. Speaking of which, I am going to address something about Noma right here: SHE DOESN’T HAVE BOOBS ALRIGHT. I know it looks like she does, but since she has so many feathers and is very fluffy, wearing clothes would be difficult. So what she has to do is stuff her chest fluff into her tank tops, and purely because there is so much of it, it lumps up under the shirt. So all the people asking to see Noma’s “Chicken Breasts” ( those were some real asks BTW), sorry, no luck there.

________________________________________________________________

                   THIS SECTION IS ALL OF MY FAVORITE ASKS AND                                           REDESIGNS OF NOMA

So, now that I have the character created, It’s time to draw her and make a post on here. Im not gonna lie, that first night was nerve wracking. I didn’t have the slightest clue as to what was going to happen, if anyone would see the post, or hell, if anyone would like it.

But here she is, the main attraction in her first appearance on the blog. Happy, inviting, and not nearly as fluffy as what she is now. For some of you newer followers, yes, this is how it all began. Notice that she isn’t as tall, or fluffy, or as vibrant as what you know her as, but yes, this is what everyone saw for a couple of months while I started out. This WAS her design.

So, with this outta the way, it’s time to answer some asks, but to do that, I had to think of her personality. So, I just made her personality be fun. someone who can be sassy, sarcastic, kind, loveable, and genuinely nice. It’s up to you to decide o how well that comes across though.

This ask was: “Why are you such a Boss Ass Blaziken?” and this is where I went into her story in a little more detail and made it feel more like a story rather than a simple explanation of events. It was  the first question I got and I had a lot of fun working on it because at least one person took the time out of their day to send me something.

Here is Noma explaining her Favorite Region that she has been to. And this was kind of a first for the blog since we got to see what she looked like below the crop top. And yes, its just a crop top with her chest fluff stuffed into it. Take note how much shorter she was when I started this blog. Like, I never realized this before, but for a blaziken, she was a midget. Also, can we just ignore some of the glaring anatomy issues here? I was still kinda working on her design here.

And here we reach the first Big re-design of Noma. While not much besides her hair changed, this was the part of her life that she started dyeing her hair different colors to make her design more unique. She also has a bit more of a neck and her hands are also more suited to a blaziken’s with the gray part instead of all red like the first post. In this ask, she was answering what her favorite past times are. Out of all the asks that I have done so far back then, THIS was my favorite to work on, just changing up her hair style felt so refreshing and  honestly makes her look so much different.

THIS. FREAKING. ASK. this was the one that started a bunch of people to harass me to essentially draw nsfw of Noma. At the time of answering this ask, I was midway through a show called Panty and Stocking, go check it out if you haven’t, it’s hilarious and really good. But the ask was: “What is your favorite hairstyle?” So I decided to have a little fun and I started out just drawing the hair to make the reference to Panty and Stocking, but I thought that nobody would actually catch the reference, so I decided to go big or go home and reference the entire character of Scanty. If only I knew what kind of hell I would have unleashed for the next few months. Despite all of the perverted asks and messages I received, this was an insanely fun ask to draw, and it was also a challenge to try and recreate Scanty, but in a Blaziken form. Also, notice how her hands reverted back to red. I never said I was consistent.

So that slightly NSFW ask was the last actual drawing i posted for quite a while because then, I started college and was so nervous and scared and focused on doing well that i just didn’t have time to draw or play video games because of all the stress. I would literally wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, and sleep. and that was it. My next few posts actually weren’t Noma related, so I won’t cover them.

This was the first ask I had for ASK MAGIC which had Noma’s type change to water for 3 asks. Each of these weren’t all that exciting, but I am including this here because it was a milestone for the blog that NO ONE HAS USED SINCE! HINT HINT.

This wasn’t an ask, just a drawing idea I had for Halloween. She is still rocking her crazy hair with 3 different colors now and frankly, I have no idea what I was thinking giving her a rooster comb AND and ponytail, but hey, it works. SO if you couldn’t tell she went as a rooster for Halloween and her hands also magically changed back to red. But she also dyed her chest fluff in the shape of a heart which was another small design change.

HERE SHE IS THE FIRST MAJOR REDESIGN THAT ACTUALLY CHANGED SOME STUFF ABOUT HER. First of all, she doesn’t have the weird red neck that she had that just made her chest fluff look glued on, her fluff is on the entirety of her neck, and her neck is now longer, giving here a taller appearance. I also changed the look of her chest fluff to look like it surrounds her from behind also, and I changed the fluff on her face here too. Sure they may not be the biggest changes, but they made her a hell of a lot easier to draw and i think made her look better overall too.

This is just a better look of her, and is also my icon. See how she looks less like a midget and more graceful? The re-design was for the greater good.

This ask was SUPER fun: “My last ask was mean, but if you could choose any other type, what would it be”. This was when i could encompass all of what made Noma, Noma. The new redesign looks flawless, and we actually got to see an almost full body drawing of Noma. Glaring anatomy issues aside, I still really think that this was one of my better works of Noma.

I had a Thanskgiving ask set aside to put here, but I am really not too proud of that one, and also because it was during the time when I lost my grandmother, so I’m just going to leave it out so I don’t get too emotional about it.

You think I would have learned my lesson about showing Noma in anything REMOTELY NSFW, but nope, here we have her in her underwear. The ask was: “I am liking this new look!”  and yeah, I tried to go for a cheap visual gag, not only in the fact that she isn’t decent, but also in the name of her boxers. American Eagle in the pokemon world would more than likely be Unovan Braviary, like come on, that’s comedy silver at best.

Look at this Eye-sore. I tried to do a candy cane look wit her hair, but I think it fell flat and looks too busy. But the Ask was: “Do you have any jewelry?” While this doesn’t look as good as I hoped it would have, this was certainly a lot of fun to draw.

This was my absolute favorite non-ask post to draw because i used my actual ugly christmas sweater to design hers. I know the perspective is off here, but that is purely because of the angle I took the picture at.

THIS COMIC WAS AN ABSOLUTE BLAST TO DRAW, PLUS IT ALSO INTRODUCED NOMA’S LOVE INTEREST, EM, WHICH IS STILL A PART OF THIS BLOG SO SEND HIM SOME ASKS PLEASE. ALSO I DO NOT OWN EM, HE IS A CHARACTER OF BANANAMUTTBREAD, SO GO GIVE HIM A FOLLOW, HE IS AN AMAZING PERSON.

This was a difficult drawing to do, not because of the characters, but because of the shading and lighting, and yes, I know, its not the best, But I am still very proud of it nonetheless. But, yeah, this is a mash up of Lethal League which is an amazing game and Noma. The reason I chose Candyman to draw, was because he was simple, and because he is a pain in the ass to fight against.

By this point in the blog’s life, I had just bought my dog Bella, and started a new semester at college. With my toughest classes all piled on top of each other, i didn’t have much time to draw, so there wasn’t much to be posted then. However, I did introduce a new character, not a pokemon, but instead a bee character I came up with. Her name is Grain, and she is super cute, so go check out the art i made of her!

With me posting again halfway through last semester, the first ask I got was about Noma’s hairstyle. To be honest, I have no idea what kind of style that is, so let’s just move on.

Oh boy, my first piece i did on stream. This was another small redesign I did just to get back into the swing of redrawing Noma and making sure I could remember how to draw her. also, I tested out a new form of shading that I really like and will probably continue to use from here on out.

[sufferthesea]

Transitional Period

Okay so I feel really lame writing this but I think it's also important. I keep apologizing for not being super active on this blog anymore, and there's a number of reasons I haven't. Most of it has been health related but anyway. I started this blog because I hated my other blog and wanted to do something new with a fandom I'd been in for a long time (10+ years), so after talking with Katie ( @shiranuigenma ), I decided to create this Naruto blog. But it wasn't intended to be just a Naruto blog, but that's how it kind of ended up since that's what I was into when I made it.

The fact that I've kept this a 98% Naruto blog is awesome because my attention span and energy allotted for a fandom is around 3-4 months. After that I usually get bored or burnt out and have to find something else. Making friends and participating in things like Kakashi Week, and just doing art and writing fanfics, has helped me to maintain interest in this blog for a lot longer than I thought I would. So thank you!! You guys are awesome!!!

(Okay real quick I'm not quitting lol. I know it sounds like it. But I'm not.) Basically, I was getting so burnt out on Naruto that I was dreading getting on this blog and I didn't want to watch it anymore. That's why I've been MIA. I literally only follow Naruto blogs at the moment. I don't want this to become a trash blog like my last one that I abandoned, so I'm still going to be kind of selective with what I reblog. Anyway. To combat the staleness and burnt out feeling I had, I got into a few other shows with my friends and that's really all I've been watching (RWBY, RvB, and YouTube if you're curious). It sounds dumb but it's really helped me a lot because I'm not so exhausted and wearing myself out trying to be ~the cool singular fandom blog~ that I'm really not meant to be. (Yo, major kudos to those who can do that.)

So anyway, 2018 has been not super unkind, but very tough for me. You grow from challenges, right? But it's also important to not be challenging yourself 24/7 for 6 months straight with little sleep and locking yourself away in your bedroom. I am not Maito Gai. I cannot do that. So here's a few things about my blog that'll carry us into summer 2018 and hopefully allow me to be more active and not so stressed and sad!!!! Esp since I still don't have a job even tho I'm looking!! And I'm getting tired of ppl telling me “Well just get a job??? Just go get hired???” like !!! what do you think I am doing???

Requests are now closed indefinitely. I'm going to finish up the few I have, but after that I'm closing them. They were super fun but I have so many things backlogged that it hasn't been as fun anymore. I send love and thanks to all those who sent in requests while they were open! It was a fun experiment and I got to really test myself by writing for characters I don't normally write for!

Writing commissions are closed indefinitely.  I’ll complete the one I have, but then that’ll be it for now. These too were also fun and challenged me more than anything else I've done. I got to write some very unique and difficult topics and I'm so thankful for those who trusted me enough with their stories to do this. However, the amount of time and mental energy it took was too much and severely underselling myself made it difficult to justify the time I was spending. (I've read writers should charge around 1 – 3 cents a word. I was charging $0.001 cents a word lmao. Whoops. I actually don't mind but it is hard to make a living like that.)

Art commissions are still OPEN! And btw, I do have a ko-fi. I'm thinking about doing something like, one coffee = one bust of your character of choosing? (which is same price as commissions whoops lol.) Idk yet. I won't be doing any writing for ko-fi, though.

I was going to create a side blog for the other fandoms I'm in but side blogs are tedious and annoying to manage so I'm probably just going to start posting stuff here. If you don't want to see it, you can start blacklisting tags now. I'll be tagging things as #rwby, #rvb, #not naruto (that's my catch-all tag for anything, uhh, not Naruto). Expect a lot of Ozpin, Qrow, Church, and Washington because even tho I was inactive here, it does not mean I stopped hoeing around in other fandoms. Oh, also expect an occasional #game grumps because #dan avidan is way cute.

I'm also going to be posting fanart for other fandoms here too. It's been nice to draw stuff other than Nardo. I'll still be doing Naruto stuff (I have a ton of Naruto projects I'm working on) but silly little doodles will probably be from RWBY.

I'm also in this weird kinda scary period in my life with school and career options. I have a degree in English and it's always been assumed I'd be a teacher but I don't want to be?? I realized recently that I love to draw and I'm getting quite good at it (with the help of my sister who is my own real-life youtube tutorial for SAI), so both my sister and I are going back to college for a Studio Art degree. I'm thinking about getting into animation and I'm scared because it's not a secure or “traditional” job??? I'm scared because I'm not settling on a job I don't want or a field I just assumed I'd go into. I'm not good with big changes or going into things when it's uncertain, so I'm like ….. /anxiety increases/ But I'm hoping it'll be good.

Just as an extra bullet point and a reminder, I still really love Kakashi, Iruka and Obito, and all my other guys!! Don't think I forgot about them!!

Sorry this is 10 million years long but it was important to me to write all that. I'm sorry I haven't been able to reblog your art or fics and comment on them. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you guys and responded to messages. I'm sorry I'm not as active. I've just been figuring stuff out and hanging out with friends, and watching other things so I don't grow to despise Naruto lol. So. That's about it. I probably forgot something.

Oh, I have 21 plants growing in my windowsill. 2 are decorative and the other 19 are going to go in my garden in the backyard bc they’re herbs and vegetables. And I'm going to cosplay for the first time next month and I might meet the voice actor for kid Obito. So. There's that.

[carmeninguanzo]

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7

This morning, January 6, 2017, dia de los Reyes, I sat in front of my tree by myself contemplating 2016.  The year of insanity, heartbreak, loss, anxiety on levels I didn’t think were possible, almost losing my mind, successes and triumphs, anger, love and hate.  I’m grateful for them ALL.  Though the year 2016 started rocky, with a huge bump on the road, I never imagined it’d become what became.  During the month of early January a very special and dear person in my life was fighting between two worlds; the world of drug addiction, and the world of trying to become clean and regain control of his life. While in jail for about a month he confessed what he did to get arrested, what he did to stay alive because he knew that one more day in the streets would have caused him his life.  My family and I were devastated, but life had to go on.  We had already planned a big family vacation to Mexico in early February to celebrate my husband’s 50th.  We were there for eight days and made the best of it.  Not long upon our return, we dealt with the biggest heartbreak of our lives.  A heartbreak that forever changed our lives; forever changed us as individuals and as a family.  The harsh reality of Crystal Meth.  I became obsessed with researching this world because I believed there was something we could’ve done to help him out. I wanted to know what about this drug was so consuming and impossible to kick.  What I didn’t know was that in doing so, my entire existence would take the biggest hit of my life.  I watched documentaries after documentaries, read books after books, listened to testimonials after testimonials of people that were addicted to the worst and most powerful drug that exists.  A drug they all described as “THE DEVIL”.  I read about what’s in the drug and the effects this drug has on the person both short term, and long term, becoming more and more depressed.  I wanted to fix this, I wanted to fix him, and I couldn’t bear to sit around and watch him wither away.  I refused to lose this fight and I was going to give it all I had.  For months I carried this weight; a weight that wasn’t mine to carry.  In fact, it wasn’t anyone’s weight to carry, but his.  At least that’s what we know now.  I say this because this experience, this situation, completely consumed us.  Literally.  And we too, were headed on that downhill spiral of destruction with him.  It took months and months to realize this on my own, but this realization came with many, many tears, sleepless nights, anxiety and severe depression.  I felt my world coming down on me.  In the middle of all this chaos, I decided to submit an application and a manuscript to VONA (Voices of Our Nations Arts Foundation).  It’s a weeklong writing workshop for writers of color.  This would be my second time attending, the first time being at the University of Berkeley, California three years prior.  I submitted, not really telling anyone because of fear of failure.  During this process, I fought the two voices we have in our heads; the pessimistic voice, who the hell do you think you are thinking you’re going to be one of the few people accepted into the workshop, and the optimistic voice, you got this baby girl, you’ve been doing the work, your worth it.  Though I had never felt more secure about being accepted at VONA, it was inevitable to think I was deserving of it.  Sure enough, on April 15, 2016 I received an email that stated, “Dear Carmen, Congratulations!  On behalf of the Voices of our Nations Art Foundation (VONA/Voices) I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted as a participant in the Voices Writing Workshop at the University of Miami, June 26-July 2, in the Memoir Workshop with Reyna Grande (which by the way, was my first selection out of the two options available).  The response to the workshops was overwhelming and the choices made by the Selection Committee were difficult.  We were impressed with the quality of your writing, and we would like to invite you to join the VONA/Voices community of writers and look forward to your contribution to this year’s program.”  I was elated by my acceptance for that brief moment, but very quickly that moment was robbed by this addiction my family and I were trying to cope with.  This is the nature of what addiction does to families.  I questioned whether I’d be able to deal with not only the pressure and work I needed to put into VONA, but also, my college studies.  It had been almost a year since I had gone back to college, and I was overwhelmed to say the least.  This was the first time I decided that my only option, was succeeding.  Under extreme pressure, anxiety, responsibilities to my family, especially my autistic seven-year-old son, depression and mourning, I made it happen.  

When I left to VONA, my best friend Roz was scheduled to have surgery and several other procedures.  I was concerned about him, but knew he was in the best hands at Cornell University, New York Hospital.  I also knew that his wife, Annette, would never leave his side until he was cleared of any possible danger. I arrived at VONA on Sunday, June 26, and my last message to my beloved Roz was on Monday, June 27, asking him how was he feeling.  I knew he was scared, and I also knew how depressed he had been, but I never heard back from him.  I decided to leave him alone and focus on making the best out of my new VONA experience.  Monday and Tuesday were great!  There was a VONA alumni reading at Books & Books in the Wynwood part of Miami, and after the readings we all went to an outdoor dance/bar where we all had an amazing time.  I had forgotten what it was to party and have fun, and that I did that night, thankfully.  What I had anticipated my VONA experience to be like this time, came to an abrupt end on Wed, June 29 when I received the worst call of my life as I was sitting on a bench outside of the university waiting for my childhood friend Irma, to pick me up.  We had planned on spending the afternoon together.  My phone rang.  “Hey hon, how are you?”  My manuscript had just been workshopped and I was still feeling high and overwhelmed by the experience.  Being workshopped is never easy, especially when you’re sharing real shit and you’ve spilled your blood and tears onto the pages.  It’s hard enough to write personal essays, let alone share them, putting them out into the world for people to read your crazy, and sometimes dysfunctional ass self, as I am.  

My husband didn’t hesitate, though I could hear the distress in his voice, “I have bad news baby.  It’s about Roz.”

“Aww come on!  Are you fucking serious?!  I just got my piece workshopped and my nerves are shot, I can’t take any bad news!  Not right now!”  I was frantic and shaking by this time.

“I’m sorry ma, but I needed to call you and tell you before you heard it from someone else or saw it on FB.”  I heard the fear.  I knew I had to brace myself.

“Ok, tell me.  What is it?!”

“Roz died ma.  He committed suicide.  I’m sorry to have to tell you now.”

I yelled at him, hung up the phone and collapsed onto the floor.  Right in front of the bus stop and the university lounge area by the traffic loop.  Less than five minutes later, my friend Irma arrived....  My VONA experience would never be the same.  I showed up for the next two mornings to workshop my fellow writers pieces and then left campus.  It was the least I could do.  I owed it to them and I had committed to them, the same way they committed to me.  After all, that’s the main reason why we attend writing workshops.  Friday after the last workshop, I left and never went back.  I needed to be around family. Badly. 

In 2016, I learned I have strengths I never knew I possessed.  I faced one of my biggest fears which was exposing my natural self and no longer hiding behind my hair.  The beautiful, shiny, straight, processed hair I loved and cared for with weekly salon visits my entire life, because that’s what I was taught beauty was; always having your hair done.  “La mujer con el pelo malo, feo y desareglado nunca se ve bien.”  My Dominican mother and aunts would always say to me. In mid July I took a plunge and decided on a big chop, originally not the plan, but it ended up that way.  Though I did have other options, I didn’t think much about it.  I just did it.  I chopped off all of my hair, never imagining the toll it would take on my ego, on my emotional health.  This was yet another battle I had to fight.  A big one, I must admit.  One that shocked me to my core, and made me hate the person I now saw in the mirror.

A month after Roz’s death, my uncle and my husband’s grandmother both died on the same day, an hour apart.  And less than a month after that, our great friends lost their five-year-old son in a car accident.  It was another blow to my gut, leaving me breathless for months.  In being there every single day, and holding their hands every step of the way, including creating a GoFundMe page for them, I carried this weight with them as my own.  Tragedy and heartache followed me throughout the entire year and I refuse to allow 2016 to dictate 2017.  Through it all, I managed to keep my commitment to my studies and continue on my goal of remaining an A student, keeping my GPA close to a 4.0 and that, I don’t even know how I did.  This previous Monday I started school full time scared as shit, doubting myself 1000 times, but doing it anyways. This year, facing probably the biggest fear of my life, I joined the #52essays2017 challenge.  An essay per week for the entire year, and not just any essay, PERSONAL ESSAYS.  If talking about our personal shit to our close friends and family is hard as fuck, imagine sharing it with the world!  But I can’t stop now, I’ve learned what it is to stay committed and to keep treading no matter how hard shit gets.  I’m committed to my life, to my dreams, to my happiness, because only I can give myself that.  I am committed to creating structure in my life, something I’ve never known.  I am committed to being the best version of myself, to reinventing myself and becoming the woman God created me to be with all of my flaws and imperfections.  This year I am committed to remaining vulnerable, because if more of us showed our vulnerability, the world would be a better place because there is no such thing as a perfect life, the perfect relationship, the perfect anything.  

This year, I am committed to embracing ALL of who I am...

“Life isn’t about finding yourself.  Life is about creating yourself.”   ~George Bernard Shaw

This quote changed my life.  All this time I had been on a quest to find myself, when all I had to do was re-create myself.  I hope this quote can help someone else too!