#ANYWAYS COMMISSION MIA OMG

[savoryangel]

IM SPINNING AROUND IN CIRCLES I CANT GET OVER THIS SOOOO MUCH IM SOSOSOSO HAPPY I GET TO COMMISSION YOU!!! You did them in such justice !!!! I’ll forever treasure it….

In all seriousness, consider commissioning Mia whenever they’re open!! They’re one of the most sweetest people I’ve commed to!!

🥊 Commission for @noelleships !! 🌟

THANK YOUSOSOSO MUCH FOR COMMISSIONING ME THIS ONE WAS A BLAST TO DO :D

[silkjade]

speedrunning the sabzeruz event and coming across this bit of dialogue that made me . . :O . . . and then . . :D . . as i thought of your recently posted commission!! 🪷

i can’t help but imagine deshret x gof jadetham partaking in festival preparations together 🥺 the coy banter between you two as you discuss what gifts are suitable and those that aren’t — the dance you perform on the day of that has his breath tied in his lungs and his words pitched in his throat :3 that teasingly coquettish way you look at him while dancing that has him growing a bit restless, perhaps a tad aroused, definitely anticipating the end of the night where he might invite you to his chambers … eeek! ૮꒰ྀི⊃⸝ ⸝ ⸝⊂꒱ྀིა ♥︎

(๑°o°๑) ! omg coco i’m so speechless, i can’t believe you thought of us i’m so honored wahhh 🙂‍↕️💓 but how did you enjoy the event ?! i thought it was so adorable and the cutscene totally made me cry :’D wish there was more of alhaitham in it, but it is in character for him to be mia lololz

but yes yes definitely bantering about our choice in gifts hehe tbh i thought deshret’s wedjat eye gift was so sweet ! hmm must have been the influence of someone winkwink justkidding ! but perhaps i do tease him a little bit about how surprising sentimental it is of him :3 ++ i can see how maybe scattering a candy trail to lead ruhkka to the festival site could be my suggestion and he’d say something like ‘she’s not a child…’ but still go along with it anyway ૮꒰ྀི >⩊< ꒱ྀིა

and then the dancing part !! eeeekz just thinking about it makes me blushie 🫣 deshret!haitham playing the music and gof!me dancing….and all the rehearsing we must’ve had beforehand that may…….or may not have ended up into something else o: him being a bit grabby after the real performance and me having to remind him that now is not the time because we are celebrating our beloved friend’s birthday (˶˃⤙˂˶) !!! (but when the celebrations are over……well…

p.s this made me think about how haitham has This sitting in his house !!! ik kaveh canonically plays music but there are twoooo O: perhaps he picks it up once in a while, twiddles w it for a bit in a….remnant of a past life kind of way :<

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

heya! i hope you’re doing good, & we miss hearing from you. <3 for your most recent post, you’re definitely a “help me” type of writer LOL much love as always

Hi! And OMG okay so I really didn’t think anyone would get it first try but you totally did!! Soooo glad people can see me for who I am 🫶🏼

As for missing me, god I miss me too. And I miss you guys and writing and everything. Work and working on my mental health and figuring out my life now that I’m out of a really traumatic situation has been… a lot. I’m finally in therapy and hoping to put it all together piece by piece - starting with one day getting out of the shitty job I’m in and working my way toward being more financially secure. Hopefully in a job that pays me well enough without stressing me out…. If that’s realistic anymore?

Anyway lots of words that are probably concerning, but some good news - I’m doing fairly well! Just not writing like I want to. And when I do write, it’s for a commission I was given because all my energy needs to go to writing that before I can do anything else. It needs to get done. :)

Promise I’ll be back soon. Gonna be doing some writing tonight and I’m a bit manic so HOPEFULLY I can pull that miracle work ethic through to wrap up a whole series in one night like I have in the past LOL (looks awkwardly at that ten part Richie Tozier series I cranked out in…. Literally one night….. oh man)

Love you so much, sorry I’ve been MIA. Thanks for sending an ask :)

[trepidatious]

(   natalia  dyer  &  alexandra daddario   )   bopping  along  to  vanilla twilight  by  owl city  is  vienna schuyler  ,  the  twenty-one  year  old  cisfemale  thrown  back  to  their  sports journalism  days  with  none  of  her  memories  .  voted  most  likely  to  break  into  area  51  ,  vienna  was  known  for  being  passionate  &  bashful  ,  go  figures  you’d  always  find  them  on  the  ice  rink  ,  but  grew  up  to  be  tranquil  &  withdrawn  .   ✎   kaya  ,  22  ,  she/her  ,  pst  . 

P A R A L L E L S

mia thermapolis ( princess diaries ) , hyuuga hinata ( naruto ) , casey carlyle ( ice princess ) , amy antsler ( booksmart ) , nadine franklin ( the edge of seventeen )

T R O P E S

shrinking violet , grew a spine , adorkable , homeschooled kid , geek , she is all grown up , extreme doormat , the confidant , eyes always averted , nice girl , shy finger twiddling

1 9 8 8 - 2 0 1 0

          born in albany, new york to philip and danielle schuyler, the schuyler twins had been the center of their parents’ world from the moment they took their very first breath. they never had to want for anything and their childhood was often spent in upstate new york, visiting a family cabin during the holidays. it was those winter adventures that inspired vienna to pick up her first pair of skates, wanting to join the teens who’d she see skating across a frozen lake. at first she stumbled through, barely being able to keep herself upright, but by the end of the holidays she had mastered how to glide across the frozen landscape. after that it was only a matter of time before she started begging for lessons which inevitably lead to small competitions and private coaching.

          after developing a familiar routine on and off the ice, her parents getting transferred to bellevue, washington caused the schuyler family to move across the country and a seed of doubt to be placed in vienna’s head. while at first apprehensive that her ice skating career would never get to see the light of day, her nerves were quick to dissipate once she joined a local rink and continued her budding career as a skater. homeschooled so she could have time for her private coaching, vienna never got to socialize with others her age, often sticking to the sidelines and offering shy smiles to her fellow competitors. instead her downtime was spent alone, although sometimes in the company of her twin, as she binged movie franchises from star wars to lord of the rings.

             by the time she was a freshmen in high school, most of her summers were spent in san diego for a weekend, attending comic con whenever the dates didn’t coincide with her skating life. socially inept with no skills other than skating, vienna’s parents made it a point for her to attend a university like them, not believing that their daughter’s skating career would be enough to keep her afloat despite the success of her international junior career. vienna found herself reluctantly agreeing, being too timid to argue and chose to join rvu knowing her old coach from new york had moved down to california.

            a wallflower entering university, attempting to make friends and being in a school setting had felt like a rug being pulled right from under her. in her classes she was hardly acknowledged, only having her presence known whenever she was paired up for a group project. without the private tutor she was used to having her whole life, class settings were often spent with her lost in thought, filling her mind with daydreams of the future and random thoughts about whatever film she had watched the night prior. even when confronted outside of class, she’d often have a soft tone with whoever she was talking to, her eyes cast down as if she was only a few minutes away from stuttering. when you did notice her, it wasn’t uncommon to find a beginning of a blush forming on her face, a nervous smile becoming her default expression whenever interacting with someone.

            stretched thin with her studies and unable to qualify for the 2009 u.s. nationals championship, it was common knowledge within the skating community that vienna would still continue training during the current cycle of competitions instead of participating. skipping most of the major international competitions, she instead put her energy and skills into having a set of polished routines ready for the 2011 circuit. but with her degree being in sports broadcasting, espn had invited her to be a co-commentator for the 2009 world championships held in los angeles. with the conversation being about a topic she knew like the back of her hand, her commentary came fluidly and her usually bashful nature was nowhere to be seen as she observed the performances before her. with that attempt successful, it was no surprise that she was invited to vancouver to once again commentate on the competition.

2 0 1 0 - 2 0 2 0

            graduating from rom valley university in 2010, she became a paid intern at espn, attending different competitions whenever she wasn’t competing in them. the internship only lasted a year, with her putting her broadcast career on pause to focus full-time on the 2014 olympic circuit. the next few years passed by in a breeze with her getting silver at the 2013 u.s. nationals and sixth place in the world championship, earning the united states a third spot in the olympics. during the 2014 u.s. championships, vienna placed first in the short and free programs, winning the national title and securing a spot on the u.s. olympic team. the rest of her career followed similarly, with her once again competing and placing in world’s as well as winning a bronze team medal in the 2018 olympics.

            before the throwback to 2010 happened, vienna had taken another pause in her competitive career, having suffered a stress fracture that put her out of commission. however, as a now internationally decorated medalist, she found herself returning to her broadcast roots, once again commentating at the different competitions and being interviewed on numerous talk shows. throughout her years post-graduation, she had kept in touch with a few people but for the most has kept to herself, preferring her own company over any amount of people. now able to turn on her charisma in situations non-related to skating, she had found herself content with where she was in life, with her days of smiling bashfully at the ground long gone, instead being replaced with confidence.

Q U I C K  F A C T S

unfortunately she’s one of the few who DOES NOT remember anything after 2010

all the self-growth and confidence she developed post-graduation??? long gone and home girl doesn’t even realize it sdfghj

definitely still a bashful mess who is avoiding eye contact whenever possible but hey, she’s definitely approachable and currently lacks the ability to be rude to anyone

doesn’t realize the whole marvel cinematic universe becomes as big and major as it is now so if anyone spoils anything she’d either think they’re an oracle of sorts or a secret writer for the mcu

she’s the biggest nerd and fan girl like i saw a few actors/oscar winners on the taken list and if any of your muses were a part of a marvel, lord of the rings, star wars, etc ( if it was at comic con then consider her a fan tbh ) she would have lost her shit being like “i went to school with this person omg” or “my friend is the scarlet witch!!!”

knows random facts about the stars and outer space and probably used to tweet at nasa a lot

her favorite barbie movie is the rapunzel one solely bc homegirl is staring and singing about the stars sdfghjk

probably asked her acting friends to be an extra in whatever movie they’re in

she says it as a joke but one of those “ get me in the movie. jk.... unless ????”

believes aliens are real and probably talked about it in 2010 and in 2020

like her theories about area 51??? and the government???? she could talk about them for days tbh

avoids drugs like the plague. will not even be anywhere where there’s weed smoke bc she’s scared it’ll pop up on her drug test bc she’s a paranoid dumb lil bean

probably doesn’t really drink that often but when she does it’s tito’s vodka

big nerd who speaks sindarin, can read aurebesh, and can somewhat speak togruta despite the limited amount of words that are known

named after the billy joel song and proud of it

ANYWAYS PLS PLOT WITH ME !!!!! my discord is medieval 4loko gang#5402 but feel free to hmu on here <3

i have a stats page here and wc page here !!!

but also come check out her pinterest board here

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Janis

Grace: UGH Grace: tell me your secrets Grace: this boy will NOT take a hint 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: My secrets on repelling lads? Charming 😏 Grace: OMG I meant on getting people to leave you alone Grace: but if you do have any obvs Grace: 😂 Janis: Being real mean and telling 'em to fuck off usually works Janis: but not always case in point ☝ Grace: It's like he thinks it's a challenge now Grace: Like NO Janis: Love a challenge Janis: don't tell Mia Janis: do you not rate him at all or what? Grace: idk it's not that Grace: there's just TOO MUCH build up at this point Grace: he's highkey Janis: You reckon you ain't gonna meet expectation then, I get it Janis: just 'cos he wants it don't mean you gotta, you know Janis: can still get what you want out of it though Grace: if he tells everyone that I can't I'll have to kms Grace: boys talk too, remember? Janis: Yeah but who cares Grace: UM ME OBVS Grace: now he thinks I'm like playing hard to get Grace: not hard to want Janis: Just bite the bullet and do it then Janis: if it's shit you can blame him Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: oh please! who do I have in my corner rn? Grace: can't work the narrative on my own Grace: just tell me what to say so he'll FINALLY get the message Grace: like I'm too good for him or something Grace: you always do that Janis: Why not? Her word ain't law no matter what she reckons, you know Janis: Assumedly unless he's so un-you-type that he's a decent lad Janis: Who is he, does he go to our School Grace: he's from some posh school that Mia didn't get into Grace: but she knows him Grace: FOCUS Janis Janis: ew Janis: he's probably a snob anyway Janis: and it don't matter what he's chatting to his mates Janis: you're sure Mia isn't like Janis: setting you up here or Grace: OMG Grace: what if she is Grace: he's like WAY persistent Grace: 😱😱😱 Janis: Didn't wanna be that bitch but Janis: she is Janis: all the more reason to a. not fuck him b. have a good time and leave him wishing you would Grace: DUH Grace: but like I said expectations are soooooooooooooo OTT Grace: idk Janis: so? Janis: you can do it Janis: boys are easily impressed Janis: lbr Grace: what if he IS a snob tho!? Grace: 🤔🤔🤔 Janis: We're rich Janis: he don't need to know the specifics Janis: know how to behave, have to deal with Ri and Buster so Grace: true he's soooo Grace: ugh Grace: still, NEED to shop if this is happening Grace: this is what I mean, such an EVENT Grace: & if I'm not even gonna shag him LIKE 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: The amount of clothes you have Janis: really Grace: don't start Grace: do I have clothes to snare a posh boy?! Think not Grace: If I've worn it before I LITERALLY CAN'T Grace: I'm telling you he's EXTRA Grace: trying to impress here Janis: 🙄 Janis: Well let's not act like it's a hardship, any excuse to shop with you Janis: so go for it Grace: UM rude Janis: 😂 Come on Janis: you should have a share in Topshop at this point Grace: If I did I wouldn't need to impress any lads 💸💸💸 Janis: 'Course Janis: forgot you were in it for the 💰 Grace: Excuse you, not Ri Grace: wish she was here tho Janis: Sure she can spare time to facetime you if nowt else Grace: you'd think Grace: ugh Grace: this family, only around when you don't want them Grace: so typical Janis: Preaching to the choir Grace: did mum & dad catch barista boy the other night?? Grace: assuming not as you haven't died of shame Grace: sooooooooo cringe Janis: Don't think so Janis: Not that I was trying to sneak, just don't want them to chat to him Janis: or me, for that matter Grace: OMG dad would try & feed him Grace: LET IT GO Janis: Don't Janis: I have to have dinner with his family, and his Dad's girlfriend Grace: 😱😱😱 Grace: next level cringe Janis: Yeah Janis: idc about the kids they're cool but Grace: his little brother is sooooooooooo cute 😍😍 Grace: & not to be a bitch but better at art than your bf Janis: 😂 Janis: alright go on a date with him Grace: if I was 6 I would Janis: You weirdo Janis: 😏 Grace: whatever he's adorable shhh Grace: Asia's little brother is 👾 like actually soooooooo mean Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Know the feeling, babe Grace: bitch don't be calling me out Grace: I'm so nice Janis: 😏 Janis: so self-centred, you know there's 10 of us Janis: could be talking about any one of yous Janis: talking 'bout you all, as it goes but Grace: you're the mean one 👌👌👌 Grace: are you still gonna help me with my OOTD or not? Janis: Never Janis: so shocking you would suggest that Janis: yeah, go on then Grace: don't be a bitch when I spam you with dressing room selfies Grace: the lighting is literally designed to make us wanna kill ourselves Janis: 🐸🍵 Janis: hot take Grace: 🐸 to 👸 🤞 Janis: Don't be tryna lips the sales assistant Janis: she don't get paid enough for that Grace: if I'm not getting any from my date Janis: 🙄 called that in the air Janis: no need to have that many sleepovers Grace: 😂 Grace: Mia obvs would have invited you babes if that was true Janis: 🤢 it's gross 'cos it's true Grace: should we throw her a coming out party or?? Grace: It is pride month Grace: before you know it Janis: 😂 Bitch I wish you would Grace: if I knew that was all it would take for you to like me Grace: 💔💔💔 Janis: What, dragging that bitch? No duh Janis: You been knew Grace: she's the only one who thinks being gay is a drag Grace: idk why even Grace: I'd love that, boys are the WORST Janis: 💔 Janis: The tragedy that is hetrosexuality Grace: I know, right? Grace: so unfair Grace: but like I'd just be worried that the girl is hotter than me the whole time anyway so Janis: 😂 Janis: Looks like you can't win, babe Grace: Truly Grace: [sends first potential outfit] Grace: 😱😱😱 LOOK at this! UGH I wanna die Janis: It isn't that bad, calm down Janis: the colour is a bit Janis: though, so yeah, keep looking Grace: No way this assistant is getting 💋 now thank you Grace: you're more help & that's Grace: just weird Janis: not working on commission Janis: though I should charge Grace: IOU Grace: whenever Janis: Whatever Janis: nbd Grace: I'm serious, not THAT much of a bitch Grace: [sends outfit option 2] Grace: OMG!! HOW ARE THEY GETTING WORSE! Grace: 🤢🤢🤢 Janis: Nah, don't even bother to hang that back up Janis: why are they selling that Grace: gonna have to be ✂ out & buy it anyway Grace: 😭😭😭 Grace: who it is for? cos I DON'T know her? Janis: Don't be stupid Janis: you're just flapping Janis: get your woman to help Grace: sure cos she's been sooooo helpful so far Grace: this is the worst day of my actual life Janis: 🙄 Janis: get your arse outta that and into something decent 'fore I have time to address that please Grace: [outfit 3 cos we know you ain't stuck bitch calm down] Janis: That's better Janis: it's a decent fit Janis: not slag short but you don't look like a nun either Grace: yeah but it needs to be 🔥 not just better than the worst this shop has to offer Grace: so what's bad about it? Grace: Gotta improve Janis: Not crazy about that Janis: idk what you'd call it Janis: but the frilly hem Janis: bit cutesy Grace: 👌👌👌 Grace: same Grace: not a mood Janis: Will they ever stop bringing the 90s back Janis: the real question Grace: IKR Grace: over it Grace: never was about it but like go off Grace: OMG he's sent me the place we're going, search it for me to check I won't get thrown out for looking like a slag Grace: [sends deets] Janis: Bit fancy for a usual teenage lad but nothing too pretentious you gonna get kicked out Janis: You can deal Grace: so like???!! Grace: [outfit 4] Janis: Grace, that isn't the right size Janis: it's 10x too big for you Grace: Are you even looking at the same picture as me?! Janis: Yes bitch Janis: it has potential but you need the size down at least Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: 👌 wait Grace: [take 2] Janis: Way better Janis: can actually see you have a body Grace: I s2g if you're trolling me rn Grace: I will kill you Janis: I ain't, that's how it's meant to look Janis: not 2 foot of extra material Grace: I don't wanna do this Grace: no offense Grace: not this specifically Grace: just ugh Janis: Why not Grace: idk I haven't been to the gym in FOREVER Grace: & none of this is working either Janis: so you feel shit Janis: what's a better way to feel better about yourself than having a boy all 😍 and Mia all 😡 Grace: but what if it goes wrong Grace: I haven't been on a date date for ages either Grace: & not to like Grace: wherever this is Grace: like excuse me while I load up a tutorial about which fork to use when 🙄🙄 Janis: It won't Janis: you're chatty, you're the nice one Janis: unless he's really boring or a dick then like Janis: that's on him Janis: if anyone is suited to dates, it's you Grace: Oh please Grace: anyone can be chatty & nice when they want a boy to get off with them at a party Grace: even you Janis: Yeah? Why didn't I then Janis: Massive virgin you reckon Grace: duh cos you don't want to Grace: waiting on your rom-com moment with barista boy obvs Janis: 😑 piss off Grace: it's not shade babes Grace: it's like the opposite Janis: It's you that likes rom-coms, not me Grace: everyone's jealous for a reason tho Grace: not saying I am cos EW Grace: kms Janis: Nice save Grace: OMG shut up Grace: you know what I mean Janis: Whatever Janis: not trying to make you jealous Grace: I'm just saying Grace: he's actually a decent boy & he likes you & knows how to treat you Grace: how often is that happening around here? Janis: not with the lads you like Janis: not all of 'em are cunts Grace: CAN YOU NOT Grace: so rude to me Janis: it's not, it's your taste Grace: OMG didn't open my mouth to be attacked Grace: thank you Janis: 🙄 calm down Grace: you first Grace: you're so mean literally ALL the time Janis: Not telling you exactly what you wanna hear isn't mean, Mia Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: whatever Grace: this was a bad idea Janis: You're so dramatic Grace: and? Grace: we've established you want me to change my entire personality Grace: get over it Janis: I don't give a shit Janis: I said you should Janis: then you wouldn't be 😭 all the time Grace: you have no idea Janis: Mhmm Janis: your struggle is so unique and complex Grace: no, but it's mine & you don't want any part in it so don't comment Janis: Nah Janis: I can do what I want Grace: yeah exactly Grace: it's so easy for you Janis: 🙄 Janis: sure Grace: I am Grace: I'd love not to care, babes Grace: such a mood Janis: then grow a pair and do it Grace: I can't Grace: I'm not you Janis: Not a requirement Grace: isn't it? Grace: if I put in as much effort or lack of as you, no boys would be falling in love with me Grace: trust Grace: they don't now Janis: you can't control other people, that's why Grace: I can't control what I look like either Janis: well you do so Janis: lie Grace: no I don't Grace: I have to be so extra to get anyone to pay attention to me Grace: you don't, you never would Janis: It's not a comparison to be made Janis: look at where you're looking to get attention from, like I said Grace: THAT'S the lie Grace: I'm compared to every sister we've got Grace: especially you Janis: and I'm not? Janis: People are dicks Grace: it just matters Grace: like it or not Grace: so I have to care about it Janis: Why Janis: you think you're gonna suddenly be hotter than Ri or a model like Billie 'cos you try Janis: that won't happen and people are still gonna chat Grace: so what I let myself be a 2 cos I can't be a 10? Grace: Like I wanna be alone forever Janis: People like what they like, you can't control it Janis: if you felt like a 10, it'd be irrelevant Grace: well I don't so it's not Janis: aren't you bored Grace: do you care? Janis: asked didn't I Grace: Like that means anything Grace: I asked you for help it doesn't mean it'll save my date disaster Janis: 🙄 Sod you then Grace: sure Janis: 👌 Grace: thanks for the help Grace: wasn't like a totally tragic attempt Janis: Like I care Janis: you try so hard you should have it figured out by now Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Bye then Janis: have fun on your date Grace: I'll try Grace: obvs Janis: Got to stay true to type Grace: exactly Janis: go with the last one you tried on Janis: welcome Grace: The search continues Grace: stopping at like 4 lacklustre outfits? UM NO Janis: yeah how crazy not to waste another 4 hours having emotional breakdowns in a changing room Grace: how crazy to bother going on this date at all if I'm not bringing it Grace: bitch please Janis: so pick 4 Grace: it's not good enough Grace: need a jaw dropping moment duh Janis: 🙄 Grace: I don't need anymore help don't do yourself an injury Janis: yeah you do Janis: call one of your friend Grace: No I don't Grace: rude bitch Janis: found an outfit then? no Grace: I can do it Grace: I'm not that tragic Janis: 👌 Grace: such 🔥 advice from you, babes Grace: that's the secret Janis: You said it yourself, I don't need to try Janis: boohoo Grace: duh why I asked Grace: if I was gonna ask my friends I could just ask myself Grace: 🙄🙄 Janis: Well you ain't listening and apparently can't 'cos you ain't me so how did you think it'd work Grace: I am listening I'm just choosing to ignore you Grace: cos I don't trust you Janis: well then why waste both our time asking Grace: IDK Grace: I thought maybe you'd hold off being a judgey bitch for long enough Janis: Oh fuck off Janis: You're literally asking for judgment Janis: and I gave it you Grace: of the clothes not EVERYTHING else Grace: I feel bad enough thank you Janis: I haven't said shit Janis: it's you Grace: you're always shading me Grace: check back in with yourself & this convo Grace: not even passive aggressive just aggressive Janis: I said you had shit taste in men and friends, which is true Janis: and that's all I've said so jog on Grace: no, you're making fun of me for trying when I literally told you I have to Janis: No, I'm not Janis: you're saying how hard it is so I'm telling you to not Janis: ask why that bothers you so much Grace: if it wasn't hard I wouldn't have to, would I? Grace: I'd just be walking around #effortless like you Grace: you acting like crying in a dressing room is such a big joke bothers me Janis: You can, literally you are the only person stopping yourself Janis: If being you is harder than all this effort then you've got bigger problems than what dress to wear on this date Grace: I'm aware Grace: but one thing at a time, hun Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Priorities, Grace Grace: oh excuse me Grace: I'll just put everything on hold while I address being me 👌👌 Janis: well bitch Janis: what is your excuse Janis: just do it before you're 40 your midlife crisis would be tragic Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: best advice yet obvs Grace: maybe you should charge, babes Janis: That's the plan Janis: you owe me, remember Grace: & you're taking it in 💸 yeah? weird flex but sure Janis: what else have you got Janis: don't look enough alike I can force you to go to this dinner so Grace: You could literally make me do ANYTHING & that's what you're going with? Grace: Having a bf has obvs changed you Grace: real tragedy Janis: Clearly not as mean as you reckon Janis: gutted Grace: for you, you had being a savage going for you at least Janis: Mhmm Janis: one moment I'm #effortless the next I've got nowt Janis: give it up, kid Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: didn't say that Grace: also am literally older than you, bitch Janis: what are you saying Janis: you don't make no sense, babe Grace: your looks are effortless, your personality needs work Grace: but nothing is going too far Grace: you're got an IOU Grace: & the barista whose speech you're stealing now like Janis: Go me Janis: ���� Grace: mhmmm Janis: Poor Gracie Janis: enough cafes about, do a crawl, get you your own Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: & I'm not listening to you, sure Grace: that'll solve all my problems rn thanks so much Grace: I don't wanna go on the date I agreed to Janis: Only 'cos you're nervous Janis: you aren't sworn off of dick are you Grace: you told me not to shag him Grace: so not the point Janis: You aren't on a ban Janis: just not him in case Mia is scheming Grace: you don't know what self imposed rules I'm living by Janis: 😂 Really Grace: Better story than nobody being interested Grace: schemes aside Janis: 🙄 come off it Grace: Oh sorry are you not living for my honesty Janis: you said it, anyone can get lads to get off with them Janis: so that ain't what you want either Grace: I also told you it's been ages Grace: & never said that's what I want anyway Janis: well you ain't forgot, like Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: what it's like to have an actual boyfriend maybe Janis: maybe Janis: like he's maybe several squirrels in a boy suit Grace: You're so weird Grace: what am I meant to do with that Janis: Says you Janis: You've had boyfriends, ain't you, like, what do you mean Grace: not really Janis: ? Grace: I've had boys Grace: sometimes they wanna get off with me more than once Grace: I'm not going to family dinners Grace: I'm not even #official Janis: Oh Janis: Okay Janis: well I'm just going to this dinner to piss off his Dad so like Janis: but I don't know Janis: it's Janis: nice Grace: Well you'll be amazing at that Grace: what's his dad's thing? Grace: why he so idk Janis: 👍🖕 cheers, bitch Janis: He don't like me but he's just a moody twat in general Grace: you should play the race card at dinner Grace: that'll really get to him Janis: 😂 Janis: Probably ain't looked at me long enough to notice Grace: it'll make him uncomfortable anyway Grace: I get comments on my vids all the time Janis: Idk why you keep doing it Grace: obvs Grace: you don't know anything about me Janis: 🙄 Janis: it wasn't a read Janis: I'm just saying Janis: all the trolling you get Grace: I'm just saying Grace: It's a fact Grace: we don't know each other Grace: another reason I asked for your help before, duh Janis: How's that make sense Grace: what do you even mean? Janis: How'd you reckon I could help you if I don't know you, is what I mean Grace: cos I'm not trying to be myself Grace: so you don't need to Grace: get in, make him want me, get out Grace: but not the real me, just whoever he wants me to be Grace: or thinks I am already whatever Janis: It would help if I knew him, or you did Janis: not all boys like one look Janis: contrary to what you might think Grace: I know enough Grace: & I know the kind of boys Mia is 'friends' with Grace: I'm not as stupid as you think Janis: then why do you need my help Janis: Jesus Grace: I didn't need it Grace: I just wanted it Grace: like I said, I've got no backup Janis: have you tried on any more or what Janis: what are you even doing Grace: I'm in a different shop Grace: excuse you Janis: Oh God Janis: Are you gonna be this unbearable if I come find you? Grace: I can go harder, bitch Grace: Is this a test? Grace: this one's got more potential Grace: so not sorry Janis: Shut up, do you want me to come or nah Grace: not really Grace: can't mute you in person Janis: Fuck you then Grace: Like you said, I feel shit Grace: do I need you adding to it? 🤔 Janis: I was coming to help 'cos I felt sorry for you but literally get to fuck Grace: yeah your pity is really gonna help Grace: I'd rather die Janis: FYI then, you're coming on strong with the sobstory Janis: not a mood Grace: thanks Janis: 👋 Grace: 💋 Grace: [later] Grace: my phone's dying tell mum & dad where I am so they don't get extra Janis: Alright Janis: another IOU though Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: whatever Grace: I've got money so Grace: haven't shopped THAT hard Janis: Nah Janis: like I ain't gonna rise to the challenge Janis: HATE to disappoint Grace: awkward considering how often you do it Grace: but sure Janis: Whatever you say 😏 Grace: Mia's still walking around being THAT bitch so yeah Grace: disappointed™️ Janis: sounds a bit like you want me to murder her...? Grace: 😂 Grace: better idea Grace: come with me Janis: Twin murder Janis: someone's got to have beat us to that 👯 Grace: UM HELLO!? I'm being serious Grace: come on the date with me & she'll die Janis: 🤔 Janis: Hmm Grace: you know I'm right Grace: you don't even have to have a good time as long as the #s say you do Grace: not like I'm seeing this boy again you can literally leave after pics Janis: Yeah, alright Janis: I'll ask Jim, as long as he ain't busy then why not Grace: yay! Grace: 👌👌👌 Grace: persuade him babes Janis: Sometimes he has to look after his sibs it's not that easy but I'm asking Grace: tell him I'll take a shift Grace: I'm an amazing babysitter Janis: dope, you gotta come on your own date 😂 Grace: I mean as an IOU like Grace: so you two can go on one that you actually wanna Grace: 💖💖 Janis: I'll throw that out too Janis: Yeah, he'll do it Grace: OMG Grace: yay Grace: wear something she'll hate Janis: Know I said it weren't that posh but reckon trackies are a no-go Janis: but she hates everything I do so not hard still Grace: duh just look 🔥🔥🔥 Grace: she thinks you can't Janis: Yeah right Janis: 👌🍆 Janis: established Grace: don't be borrowing any of my clothes to do it bitch, I saw that! Janis: Don't worry, I won't 😂 Grace: HOW DARE Grace: that dress was in reach of you for a reason Grace: not like it's my fave Janis: Should hope not Janis: it got the job done Grace: I'm not wearing it on the date so chill Grace: or like EVER now you have Janis: 🙄 Janis: I'm not diseased Grace: bitch you 'grammed it Grace: do you wanna share clothes with me? I think not Janis: Technically I didn't Janis: 🤷 Grace: It's still there Grace: we aren't 6, not a mood Janis: 💔 Janis: Turn it into curtains then Janis: switch it up Grace: You're so weird Grace: not that kind of youtuber thanks Janis: like you've not seen the sound of music Grace: Indie & Ri made me Grace: 🙄 Janis: 👌 you loved it Grace: shut up Grace: I did not Grace: soooooooooo cringe Janis: you loved any time they'd let you hang Grace: glad my phone's about to die if you're going back to being a bitch Janis: oh hush Janis: got the place, give us the time then Grace: be there at 8 Grace: we don't need to go together Janis: would feel a bit ganged up on Janis: poor lad Janis: you can have drinks first, I know to be fashionably late Grace: thank god Grace: I'll need them Grace: he's so Janis: so? Grace: ugh idk so MUCH Grace: the ego is like Grace: I can't Janis: sounds like a keeper Janis: whatever Janis: had worse night's out for less, yeah? Grace: IKR Grace: 🙄 whatever I'm focused Grace: he thinks I'm gonna be all 😍😍😍 that'll be you boy Janis: 👍 Janis: exactly Grace: OMG what should I drink? Drunk is not the mood Janis: Yeah, go easy Janis: just like rose or some shit Grace: champagne 'cause he's rich Grace: it doesn't taste nice so Grace: not gonna be wild Janis: as long as there's water at the table Janis: so dry Grace: & as long as he's paying Grace: no way I am Grace: sorry about it ladies but this isn't a typical date night Janis: 😶 Janis: secret's safe with me Grace: tell the barista Grace: if anything's on the 'gram that ruins me I'm gonna murder him Janis: 😂 Janis: don't get your bad side, got it Grace: girl please, for that night only I don't have one Janis: That's the attitude Janis: if he's paying got more funds to go all out Grace: I hope it's not actually too expensive if you have to Grace: Mia's not worth THAT much Janis: Nah, I checked Janis: he's not going that hard Grace: Phew Grace: last thing I need is his entitlement 🙄 Janis: Obvs Daddy's spends aren't going that far Grace: how embarrassing Janis: all sorted then? Grace: sure Janis: in a bit then Grace: 😘

[sailingbrisa]

New Zealand to Panama.

In this edition of Sailing Brisa …We go to New Zealand…San Francisco with Rob and Laura. Ross O’Geen gets onboard and Elwin Jansen says his goodbyes for now  to the Yacht Club and St. Martin. We also go for a little sail ... al the way to Panama.

 Its been a good two years since I was back in New Zealand and I have been trying and trying to get back down there since December 2016, however there has always been something stopping me….. Right up until the 12th of April. Then it was quick pack the bags book a flight or two and zoom back to NZ to visit my family and friends. I wanted to stop there before leaving on the trip, because I really didn’t know when I would be back… I left St. Martin… after a four hour delay. Haori Fialo, a guy I knew really well form flying in Puerto Rico… we had flown there a few times with him as my captain… was the FO on the flight. Unbelievable. The flight itself… despite my initial thoughts to get a lter flight… was very nice and by some absolute miracle Haoris landing was silky smooth. Nothing at all like I remember the ones he used to do in the ATRs. Of course I received a few strange looks form fellow passengers and crew as I assumed the crash position and kissed my ass goodbye from about a thousand feet before landing.  

 I had a three hour wait in MIA before leaving for LAX after missing my connection, so I waked up and down the terminal a few times… a Starbucks Soy Chai Tea late… some sushi.. a couple of Yellow Red Bulls and a Cuban sandwich later I boarded the flight…. An passed out. Waking up as we touched down in LA…. I was planning to meet Tania there as we had come on different airlines.. her form Bogota and me form SXM. I tracked her down and we sat there for a couple of hours laughing as she had managed to talk the Air New Zealand counter lady into changing my flight to hers and saving us a row for ourselves….. Unfortunately my flight to NZ was also on AA not Air New Zealand so that didn’t work out too well.  We boarded our flights… and began the 13 hour race to Auckland where Matthew would be waiting for us.

 The flight there I had a full row to myself on a spanking brand new Dreamliner courtesy of American Airlines frequent flier miles. The plane must have been commissioned that flight, as everything was shinny and new. Good movies, really shitty food, but, overall a good ride on a beautiful plane.

 Auckland is always a great place to wash up. We went straight to my aunt and uncles house to say hi and drag my hung over cousin out of bed! I hung out with my brother, We saw my godparents, we celebrated my Aunts birthday, the first time I have been here for that in god knows how many years. Balloons… cake and.. yep Fish and chips! ( did I mention we may have eaten a lot of fish and chips? ) I was fortunate enough to catch up with a bunch of my old flying mates.. all flying for Emirates or Air New Zealand… and got to see Giles Griggs awesome Farr 1020…. And nearly got to go sailing. He was in the world masters lasers sailing the following week and managed to snag the gold medal!!!! Amazing. Congrats Giles. We met up with Regan Fitness one of my best mates form school, Anne Hinton and her husband and one of my oldest windsurfing mates, Tony Sykes. ….We drove half way around the world ( well at least the north island of NZ ) to chase East Coast surf. We saw amazing waves.. but really crowded. We stopped at Racetracks, up near Opua Bay and with a light offshore and head high sets we got ready to surf. Matthew stood there laughing at me for a while, before he could tell me I had managed to put my wetsuit on backwards…. I guess it has been a while since I have squeezed the goods into neoprene. Maybe I have been at the wrong parties? Anyways.. after turning my wetsuit around we hit the waves. Matthew on a brand new Al Merrick and me on the old trusty Minami Fish.

 Water wasn’t that cold and we had a very nice time. The drive was a bit long.. but great fun none the less. Very much reminded me of when Matt and I were little boys zooming around NZ in a mini with a little trailer full of gear.

 Our time in NZ ended way too soon, but Tania and I did manage to eat fish and chips almost every day, we went up the sky tower and had an amazingly fun time together there. Tania got on her plane a day before me…. But I was soon behind her again and heading of to spend a day in San Francisco … with ROB NORTHROP! OMG… How many years? After the 13 hours onboard an oversold United flight, Rob picked me up at the airport and we drove off to Oakland. Traffic was a bit crazy, but Rob and I had tons to catch up on and it felt like it had only been a day or two since we were out surfing the pit in the backyard together. Laura and Rob took me on a tour around the beautiful hills behind where they grew up and we had a great brunch…. I really was surprised at how nice Oakland was. We talked story and made plans for him to come to the boat when he could make time and surf for a while!!!

 Back to the airport and onto the Red Eye to Panama where I connected to the flight to St. Martin. 47 hours later I’m sitting on Brisa wondering how I had managed to do so much in just ten days.

 Two days after I got back and Ross O’Geen, one of my old mates from windsurfing days arrives in St. Martin. We miss each other at arrivals so he sits outside for a while and I sit inside… jajajjaja. Just like old days.  We get it together and zoom out to Brisa for his first look at his new home for the next few months. Ross has his kite gear… and a couple of bags and Scrabble on his phone. We used to play a lot in Hawaii together with Moq!

 Now I had better introduce Ross…. Together we spent years and years wind fishing, scrabbling and windsurfing on the North Shore of Maui. Ross was a teacher and retired end of 2016 and has his own little boat up in South Main Street at the Lake St. Lawrence Yacht Club in NYC. Always with a big smart ass smile and a whitty comment and always ready to go on another crazy ass adventure. He showed up in St. Martin after visiting Massena NYC after some skiing and visiting mates in Utah and Phoenix, Portland and Seattle and visiting his mommy! I would say he is a super keen fisherman and we would see his skills on our way to Panama. Ross is onboard until early July.

 Elwin, our next crew member is from Holland. ( this will become important later during the fishing part of the trip ) and has been a friend of mine for two or three years. Recently we had started to go chasing St. Martin surf together and he wanted to come on the adventure also. I haven’t met anyone yet with a more positive attitude and he will always be the first one to jump on a shitty job…… Also he has a great sense of humor and some sailing experience. He had spent the last holidays backpacking around Central America and loved Costa Rica.

 We were waiting for a weather window and some awesome sun and wind protection from Fraito Lugo in Puerto Rico, arriving back to St. Martin on .. yep you guessed it..LAZY DOG. We were all set to leave after a huge shopping run the day before, filling Brisa with yummy food to last at least two weeks, but Lazy Dog was sloggin slowly upwind in the Caribbean from PR to SXM.. basically that means in hell. They were scheduled to show up on Thursday am… but we were watching them on marinetraffic.com and it looked like they would squeak in late Thursday… a bit of a sticky one for us as we couldn’t leave after 11.59pm on Thursday…. Everyone knows its bad juju to leave for a voyage on Friday. So we decided if they didn’t get there in time we would stay and leave on Saturday instead. About sunset we reached them on the radio.. and they arrived shortly there after at about 8pm.. a bit blue around the edges…. As it was a rough ride for them. Funny how we would soon be going the exact opposite direction and having a very nice downwind ride across the sea that had just bounced them up and down for a long time. We grabbed the bimini from Fraito… awesome.. and pulled the dingy up on deck, weighed the anchor ( 37 kg ) and rolled out the headsail and settled into a pleasant night at sea.

 Our track had us heading south of the BVIs, in between St Thomas and St. Croix then south of Puerto Rico and curving further south of the Dominican Republic and Haiti. The following the backing wind down into Panama with a forecast of light to calm winds for the last couple of days. We spent the first few days under headsail alone averaging 6 to 7 knots in fairly squally and bumpy following seas. Brisa behaved very well with nothing braking the whole way. About half way into it I woke up and crawled upstairs to see a big steep following sea and thirty knot winds…. Brisa every now and then surfing down a steep swell at well over 13 knots. Our top speed for the trip was 13.9 and we covered the 1145 nm in 7 and a half days, averaging 6.5 knots. Not bad considering the last three days we had 10 – 12 knot following winds and had to motor the last day and a half.

 We had been warned by many different people to stay the hell away from the Cartagena corner as it gets super windy and wavy… however for us all that happened was we started to catch lots of fish… Ross started it off with a great Mahi, Elwin followed it up with a trifecta.. Tuna, Mahi and Wahoo, We lost a Tuna.. my fault as I didn’t gaff him… and we had a marlin hit the lure.. but thank god he got off.

 With about three days to go we had been flying the Spinnaker in about 20 knots of wind… of course this makes Brisa fly along. Just with the spinnaker we set our top speed, However as anyone that likes spinnakers will tell you… they are a handful if something goes wrong. Seemed like every time we got that thing up, we would catch a fish. We had a great system… start the engines, Drop the sock over the spinnaker, Heave too and then catch the fish. We would pull the spinnaker down each night and slow down to a more comfortable speed. The faster you go the more uncomfortable the ride, but of course the quicker you get there.

 We arrived in the vicinity of the Panama Canal entrance with a big thunderstorm at about four am… We had gone by a few big ships and even though we received AIS ( other boat positions ) we did not have ours hooked up yet, so ti was a bit of a worry as we couldn’t see our bows, let alone the other ships. The radar decided it was raining very had, so hard in fact that it just painted everything yellow. That meant we couldn’t see ships coming our way and even after some deft adjustment of the gain and some very close and loud thunderclaps we did a 180 and zoomed back towards Jamaica for a while. An hour later it cleared and we started back to Colon and passed right by a big tanker going the other way… Lucky we waited I think.

 We rocked into the Shelter Bay Marina with welcomes from Bob And Debbie off of Passat, currently aboard DAKINE and tied up at the marina. I went off to clear customs and immigration while the boys played in the pool and tidied up a bit. I got back that afternoon and we went for a hike, looking for the crocodile that lived in the marina.

 All in all we arrived rested and fed, happy and safe and thankful that Little Brisa 302 had performed flawlessly. Also a big thanks to Manuel our auto pilot. Did not miss a beat once for the entire trip.

 For me the highlight is seeing Brisa zooming along hour after hour under a beautiful spinnaker with no land insight.  

Ross’s highlight was the awesome fishing… and as a result the awesome food.

Elwin had never caught a blue water fish before so the joy in his eyes as he watched what he caught being cut up into filets definitely meant the fishing was a highlight for him.

 The low point for me .. seeing our pretty yellow black and blue spinnaker split down the middle and slowly drop into the water because I wanted to put it up at the very top of the wind speed window. ( the good news of course is now I can get Ian to get me a nice new smaller cruising chute. )  

For Ross the low point was loosing a great marlin lure without seeing the fish on the end. ARGH.

Elwins low point… having to motor for the last few days.

 In the next edition we will explore Shelter Bay marina, Ross will walk.. very very great distances. I will go to Panama City, take showers with hot water for as long as I like and sleep in air conditioning. We will get measured for the Panama Canal corossing, get our cruising permit and get on our way to Boccas Del Torro and a couple of amazing destinations as we come back to Colon for our last few days in the Caribbean. I hope Brisa and Noisy Taco enjoy the canal crossing and their first ever visit to the Pacific Ocean. Ill celebrate my birthday in a birthday hammock, drinking hot coffee out of my birthday thermos after eating Lobster for breakfast in a very remote and beautiful little island, as we prepare to say goodbye to Brisas home sea for the last 15 years. Next week we will all wake up in a different Ocean.

[njawaidofficial]

How 'Sharknado' Casts Its C-Listers and Nearly Landed Trump as President

http://styleveryday.com/2017/08/03/how-sharknado-casts-its-c-listers-and-nearly-landed-trump-as-president/

How 'Sharknado' Casts Its C-Listers and Nearly Landed Trump as President

Months before he declared himself a candidate, Trump was set to play commander-in-chief in the schlocky Syfy film franchise that has lured everyone from Ann Coulter to Charo for cameos while regular Tara Reid makes a quarter of one male co-star’s pay.

In January 2015, two years before he was sworn in as president, Donald Trump was set to step into the same role in a very different capacity: He had signed on to play the president in 2015’s Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Producers’ first choice to play the leader of the free world in the Washington, D.C.-set disaster film was Sarah Palin, but negotiations with the former Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee had fallen through. That’s when Ian Ziering, the gung-ho star of the schlocky Syfy franchise, had the inspiration to capitalize on the special relationship he’d developed with Trump while taping Celebrity Apprentice (Ziering made it as far as the penultimate task). His reality TV boss would make a good commander in chief, he reasoned. An offer went out. Almost immediately, it elicited a response.

“The Donald said yes,” recalls David Latt, the 51-year-old co-founder of The Asylum, the off-brand assembly line behind the Sharknado series. “He was thrilled to be asked.”

Alas, Trump never did get to fend off a swarm of hammerheads in the Lincoln Bedroom. (More on why later.) But his story is far from unusual — just one of thousands of familiar faces who have been approached to star in a Sharknado, in what has grown over the course of five films into Hollywood’s D-list answer to a federal jobs-growth program.

“It’s the long-lost love child of The Love Boat and Hollywood Squares,” offers Scotty Mullen, the bubbly casting director responsible for wrangling more than 80 celebrity appearances in Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, which airs on Syfy on Aug. 6, with a splashy live viewing party in Las Vegas that night. (In true low-budget form, Mullen does double-duty as the newest installment’s screenwriter.)

It sounds like the recipe for a fatal drinking game, but fret not: You’re not expected to spot them all. Some of these faces are famous only overseas, while others haven’t been seen in decades. But you probably will recognize a few, including Charo as the Queen of England, Fabio as the Pope, Clay Aiken doing a spoof on Q from the James Bond films and Olivia Newton-John in her first screen role in 17 years, playing a scientist who gives star Tara Reid a Grease-style makeover.

If this terrain is familiar to anyone, it’s Charo, a fixture on such stunt-casted 1980s escapist fare as The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. The 66-year-old star was already a Sharknado fan when she was approached to play Her Royal Highness. “I think the Sharknado movies are hysterical,” she says, pronouncing it “shark-NAH-doe.” “Nowadays especially, we need shows that put a smile on your face. Coochie coochie!”

Coochie coochie ka-ching, that is: Sharknado has become an invaluable, if unlikely, crown jewel for Syfy, watched by tens of millions around the world (the globe-hopping new film capitalizes on that international popularity), registering billions of Twitter impressions and popping up in everything from Jeopardy! questions to The New York Times crossword puzzle.

But it began as just another title in a string of B-movies commissioned by Syfy — no-budget thrillers with names like Bats: Human Harvest and Mongolian Death Worm. Its path to the screen was fairly straightforward: An executive at Syfy heard the word “sharknado” and said, “I love it. Let’s make it.”

Asylum, which has cornered the market in this strain of cinematic dreck, was brought on to produce. They paid screenwriter Thunder Levin (his real name — “It was the ’60s,” he says) $6,000 to turn the word “sharknado” into an actual story — which he did, concocting a tale of a freak cyclone that scoops deadly sharks out of the Pacific and flings them at unsuspecting Angelenos.

With Sharknado script in hand, producers approached more than 100 actors to play male lead Fin Shepard, including Kevin Dillon, Dave Foley, Seth Green, John Stamos and Fred Durst. All of them passed — even the Limp Bizkit frontman, after being told he could also direct. The closest anyone got to signing on before Ziering was Back to the Future‘s Crispin Glover.

“I ended up in this 30-minute conversation with him during a location scouting in San Pedro,” recalls madcap director Anthony C. Ferrante, whose genuine enthusiasm for the franchise — he coined the word “sharknado” and has helmed all of the films — calls to mind a slightly more self-aware Ed Wood. “He wanted to play Fin like he had brain damage or something. And in my head I’m like, ‘OK — my job here is to make sure he says yes to the movie.’ ” Glover said no anyway.

But then something exciting happened: A legitimately talented and famous actor — John Heard — signed on as the movie’s comic-relief barfly, George. (Heard died July 21 while undergoing back surgery; there was barely a mention of Sharknado in tributes.) Reid was next to board, playing Fin’s ex-wife, April. This was after Teri Hatcher, Rebecca Romijn, Tiffani Thiessen and several others had already passed. Still, Reid was considered a big get for the project, whose title was proving to be a potent actor-repellent. “Tara had a profile,” says Gerald Webb, an actor and casting director who worked on the first three films (and appeared in the second). “Syfy liked her.”

With production commencing and still no Fin, a frantic Asylum went back to Ziering, who had already passed several times, and raised the offer to $100,000, according to a source with knowledge of the deal. Also a key conciliation: The title was changed to Dark Skies. (Syfy later changed it back to Sharknado, much to the cast’s dismay.) At the urging of his wife, who had just given birth and wanted Ziering to qualify for SAG medical insurance, he finally said yes.

And then a funny thing happened on the way to the DVD bin: Something about the movie’s ludicrous title and its cast’s commitment to the equally ludicrous premise (the film climaxes with Ziering’s ex-surf champ diving into a great white with a chainsaw) made Sharknado an instant cultural phenomenon when it premiered on July 11, 2013.

While ratings were modest — 1.37 million tuned in — the film lit Twitter on fire, with everyone from Patton Oswalt to Mia Farrow (“Omg omg OMG #sharknado”) singing its so-bad-it’s-good praises.

As a result, Sharknado 2: The Second One was a very different animal. “Everybody wanted to be involved,” recalls Webb. “Every C-list and D-list actor on the planet.” With the unlikely franchise’s new cachet, Asylum decided to take a kitchen-sink approach to casting, with Latt instructing Webb “to literally ask every celebrity we could think of. We came up with a list of a thousand people, including many A-listers.” Most passed. James Franco was a nonstarter. (There was hope he might be up for a cameo after his arc as a serial killer on General Hospital.) William Shatner’s agent replied with a single word: “Sharkna-no.”

But there were a few notable turns in the New York-set sequel, including Judd Hirsch and Airplane‘s Robert Hays playing into type as a taxi driver and jet pilot, respectively; rapper Biz Markie as a pizza chef; and Richard Kind as a Mets legend who bats a shark into the scoreboard. In many cases, their lines were written when they showed up on set.

Sharknado crews are nonunion (they staged a strike on the third installment and were replaced), but the films are SAG-AFTRA-compliant. “Everyone makes the same amount — a flat rate — and nobody was making close to their quote,” says Webb of the cameos. Asked if the pay — for anywhere from two to four hours of set time — would cover the cost of a Ford truck, Webb responds, “Absolutely not. Well, maybe a really beat-up one that would be at the junkyard a week later.”

Bigger roles, which require several days of shooting, pay more. Chris Kattan, whose career has seen some hard knocks since Saturday Night Live, was reluctant to take a cameo in Sharknado 5 — but was open to playing the meatier role of the U.K. prime minister, a part he approached “dead seriously. They were into me doing it that way.” He has gotten good feedback from his co-stars. “Ian said, ‘You’re going to be really, really happy with it,’ ” says Kattan. “So it’s not like Mariah Carey in Glitter — where nobody said anything.”

Mullen, 37, was a struggling screenwriter working as a publicist when his spec script Double-D Island (“It’s like The Hunger Games but topless”) got him noticed by Asylum, which first put him to work writing jokes for Kelly Ripa on Sharknado 2. “They said, ‘We forgot to write something for her,’ ” he recalls of the fateful phone call. “I said, ‘How soon do you need something?’ They said, ‘Well, we’re lighting her now.’ “

But it’s Ann Coulter whom Mullen credits with his big break. Asylum wanted the conservative firebrand to play the vice president in Sharknado 3, but was having no luck through her agent. Mullen suggested the company go through her publicist — “Sharknado‘s more of a publicity opportunity than a thespian exercise” — and Coulter “jumped at the chance. So then they asked me if I was interested in doing more of this.” Asylum agreed to pay Mullen a per-cameo bonus.

He sees his role as very different from that of most casting directors — people whose calls, typically, are eagerly answered by agents and managers. Instead, Mullen says, “you’re always selling them on the publicity value. An agent won’t care because they just want the money, and there is none. But if you pitch it to the publicist, they see all the value to be gotten out of it. You’re here to ride the hell out of that crazy publicity train.”

If it’s really true that there’s “no such thing as bad publicity,” Sharknado is determined to test those boundaries. Some of the most reviled figures in pop culture have popped up as chum. In Sharknado 2 alone, there was Andy Dick (who “was having a tough day that day,” says Webb — Ziering had to hold up cue cards with Dick’s lines on them), Perez Hilton (swallowed whole on a subway platform) and Jared Fogle (“You should really be eating fresh, too,” says Subway’s then pitchman, currently serving 15 years in a federal prison for child porn possession and having sex with minors). Among the few stars Asylum has rejected: porn legend Ron Jeremy, who once stopped by the offices to pitch himself.

Sharknado 3 features a cameo by Anthony Weiner, the disgraced ex-congressman who in May pleaded guilty to sexting with a 15-year-old girl. “I guess I am on that C- to D-level cusp of celebrity that they were looking for,” Weiner told THR in 2015. “But I wouldn’t have conceived of doing it if I were going to play myself.” In fact, a sexting-scandal spoof was exactly what the producers wanted; when Weiner refused, he was enlisted to play a dull NASA administrator instead. Most of his performance was edited out.

For Sharknado 5, everything is bigger, starting with the budget ($3 million, double the cost of the original) and star salaries — Ziering now makes $500,000 per picture. Asylum manages to limit costs when it comes to Reid’s paycheck — she makes about a quarter of what her male co-star earns on each installment. She protested the disparity during the filming of Sharknado 3. Syfy later asked fans whether or not to kill off her character — but the network flatly denies that the two incidents are related. (Fans voted to let her live.) “I think Sharknado cares more about their ‘extra of the day’ than they do about their own cast,” Reid says, clearly weary of the franchise. “You work at something for five years and you don’t get treated as well as someone who shows up for a single day?”

She may be on to something, as the piled-on cameos haven’t added up to higher ratings for the franchise, which peaked at 3.87 million viewers for 2014’s Sharknado 2 before dropping to 2.77 million viewers for 2016’s Sharknado 4. The newest installment — which introduces the concept of wormholes to the, uh, Sharknado mythology — shot on location in London, Tokyo, Rome, Sydney, New York, Los Angeles and Sofia, Bulgaria. Some cameo players were flown to those far-flung places (Greg Louganis jetted off to Sofia to play an art thief), while others (Fabio, Poison’s Bret Michaels — also a Celebrity Apprentice alum) shot a few close-ups at home in L.A., with their stunt doubles in rocker wigs doing the heavy lifting overseas.

Lee Mountjoy, a London-based casting director, was brought on to fill out the ranks and went about enlisting local talent Katie Price (the “Kim Kardashian of the U.K.”) and diving champion Tom Daley — Mountjoy randomly “bumped into him in a train station in London. I said, ‘Do you know Sharknado?’ And he said, ‘Oh, my God, definitely!’ “

Similarly, the Asylum guys ran into George R.R. Martin at a Comic-Con event in 2014, whereupon the Game of Thrones author confessed to being a Sharknado superfan. “I own a theater in New Mexico, and they wouldn’t let me play it,” bemoaned Martin. The producers pulled some strings, and Martin was able to screen the original movie at his theater. (He later showed up in Sharknado 3.)

“We look for cameos from all areas of pop culture to appeal to every fan watching the movie,” says Josh Van Houdt, Syfy’s vp original co-productions. “Whether we’re casting a professional athlete, reality star, actor, musician or politician, our goal is to include a wide variety of stars for viewers to either get excited about or, on the flip side, witness getting eaten by a shark in a spectacular fashion.”

And so it might have been for our 45th president. “We got pretty far,” says Webb of the Trump negotiations. “It was serious talks.” A contract was drawn up and sent to Trump attorney Michael D. Cohen — the same attorney currently under FBI investigation in connection with the Russia inquiry.

But enthusiasm turned into weeks of silence from the Trump camp. Eventually, a reason for the stalling emerged. “Donald’s thinking about making a legitimate run for the presidency, so we’ll get back to you,” Latt recalls Cohen saying. “This might not be the best time.” With the production clock ticking, Asylum pulled the trigger on a backup plan, offering the role to Mark Cuban — a modest casting coup that Syfy trumpeted with a press release.

“Then we immediately heard from Trump’s lawyer,” recalls Latt. “He basically said, ‘How dare you? Donald wanted to do this. We’re going to sue you! We’re going to shut the entire show down!’ ” Contacted by THR, Cohen acknowledges a dinner with Ziering to discuss casting Trump but says he has no recollection of the angry correspondence.

Webb, now at his own production company, is philosophical about the dustup. “I took it personally, but I get it now,” he says. “That was my moment of doing business with Donald Trump. And that’s Sharknado.”

This story first appeared in the Aug. 2 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.