#ANYWAY ya boi wants therapy pay me to see a therapist

[beanie-beebo-writes]

Call for Action

Series Summary: You finally get your dream job, but it comes with a cost.

Warnings: Description of panic attack

Masterlist

Chapter 2

It was a nightmare that set you off the next day. Even though you couldn't remember it, you knew there was no way you could go into work that day, which was a nightmare in itself. Your second day on the job and your anxiety already had to butt itself in at the worst possible time, of course. 

You tried anyway, knowing how vital your job was to the process of the series being made. You didn't even bother with breakfast, knowing it would upset your stomach even further. You took a cup of coffee to go just in case, fearing if you drank it, the jitters would only add to your anxieties.

On set, everybody was mostly in their places except for a few PAs as always. You had forgotten to check your phone, so you went to the front office yet again to pick up another schedule. The day was already turning out to be a wreck and it barely started yet. Thankfully, Paul noticed you weren't in much of a talkative mood and let you be in your thoughts this morning. 

The schedule was even busier today, making your heart drop into your stomach. You knew a panic attack wasn't far, but you didn't have much time. You tried to forget about it as you ran to the stage for today. Your heart was pounding, and no amount of breathing exercises could quell the deep settled anxiety. You knew people were starting to notice, but your thoughts were too loud to pay much attention. 

"Alright, is everyone in their places?" You called aloud, still out of breath.

"Just about, give us less than five!" An A.V tech said from somewhere.

"That's fine." You said.

It gave you a minute to try and control your racing thoughts, if that was even possible. You bent over and held your knees as you tried to control everything bubbling inside you. Great, look at you. Someone definitely noticed that you're acting weird, next thing you know you'll be outcasted and fired. Hell, maybe even blacklisted if you decide to keep up this charade of job to job. Maybe-

A hand to your shoulder rescued you from drowning to the depths of darkness, startling you in the process. You stood up a little too quickly, starting to see dark spots. You blinked them away and looked up at your savior. And of course, it was Jensen.

"Hey I just-" He began before taking in your appearance. "What's wrong?"

You inhaled a deep breath, finding calm in his voice. "It's nothing, just a bad day." You said.

"Are you sure? Because it seems like a bit more than that." He said.

Your thoughts faintly began to start up again. "No, it's okay really. Get to your mark, Jensen." You said, half reassuring yourself and him.

"Alright, just remember what we talked about yesterday." He said.

You nodded and waited until he walked away to pull out a compact mirror, something you kept on yourself for situations like these. Yes everyone had already been likely staring at you when you had a moment, but you didn't want more lingering eyes if your panic attack had screwed up your appearance.

You wanted to roll your eyes in sheer embarrassment. You looked like you had run a mile and you had begun to cry. You thanked yourself that you didn't wear makeup like other higher ups, as you were sure it would be more noticeable. Before anyone could take notice, you set the mirror back down and made your way to the director's chair.

"Alright, everyone set?" You asked aloud.

You got a bunch of affirmative replies before making the decision to call "action" for the scene to start. 

Sam and Dean sat in a motel room, arguing about the aspects of a current case.

"There is no way you're going in on this one solo. Absolutely not." Dean said, throwing his arms up.

"Dean, you said it yourself. Going with two people is just asking for trouble. They'll instantly catch on and it'll blow our cover. I understand needing backup but.. I got this." Sam replied.

"For the last time Sam, no." Dean said.

Interrupting their argument was one of Dean's ringing cell phones; it was Bobby Singer.

"Yeah?" Dean asked.

"Well, I found that information you wanted, turns out they are also killed with silver to the heart." Bobby said on the other line.

"Yeah, that's easy." Dean said sarcastically. "So did you hear about this genius plan of Sam's?"

Bobby sighed tiredly. "What now?" 

"He wants to go in under cover, but when guns go blazing, no backup." Dean said animatedly.

"Well, he may have a good point you know." Bobby said.

"Excuse me? Bobby, that's suicide!" Dean argued.

"You watch your tone with me, boy." Bobby said. "You said the place is like an underground bar, right?"

"Yeah but-" Dean began.

"And that means he already is going to stick out like a sore thumb. Two of you would mean you're dead meat. He only needs the alpha and the rest will scatter. Now which plan sounds like suicide again?" Bobby asked.

Dean was silent, knowing there was no use arguing with the aged hunter.

"That's what I thought. You can stand by, just give him a lot of space outside the building. Got it?" Bobby said.

"Yeah Bobby." Dean said defeatedly.

"Good. Let me know how it goes." Bobby said.

"We will, talk to you later." Dean said.

"Bye, and be safe ya idjits." Bobby said, ending the call.

And then everything was quiet, too quiet. You felt a nudge from next to you bring you back to the modern world.

"And scene!" You called out, cheeks tinged slightly pink. "Sorry guys, got swept away there."

"You're good, we can just cut it later in editing." Bob Singer said, standing up from his chair.

"Cool. Alright everyone, settle for a minute and then we'll start scene 26." You called out to the stage.

--------

Before you knew it, lunchtime had rolled around again. This time though, you made the move to sit by Jensen and Jared, who had beat you to the table first. They were in a light conversation before you asked to sit with them.

"Of course (Y/N)." Jared had said.

They were currently talking about some sports team that you didn't follow; you listened in and tried to understand where you could.

"Who's your favorite team?" Jared asked.

"Oh, I don't really follow sports, it isn't really my thing." You admitted.

"Aw really? Bummer, another one." Jared teased.

"Hey, knock it off." Jensen said lightly.

"No, it's okay, I know he's only joking." You said, smiling at Jared.

"Okay, just checking." Jensen said with a wink.

Your heart flipped sideways and missed a beat. If you didn't have anxiety, you would have never distinguished the feelings you were starting to feel towards Jensen. Your feelings with crushes were always different from your anxiety, and yet so similar at the same time. Sometimes you wondered how you could tell the difference.

You still remembered the first time you had a crush. You were a late bloomer, so it didn't happen until 7th grade. You were so confused; anxiety was always something you were used to that when you were hit with all of these feel-good endorphins along with the anxieties, you threw up. Literally, in front of half of the grade and your crush, Nathan Sullivan. You had bumped into him in the middle of your moving-up ceremony in the middle-school hallway. You had wanted to say everything and nothing all at once, and ironically your brain chose to vomit instead. Now that you thought about it, you wondered that's where some of your current anxieties began.

With Jensen, it wasn't that different in a sense. You felt all of the bubbling emotions, the confusing anxieties telling you to either go for it or stay low. But you were past that for the most part. Or maybe it was the fact that Jensen made you feel safe, unlike the other guys. There was just something about him that you couldn't quite understand.

"Hey, have you guys ever dealt with anxiety?" You asked as the conversation headed to a lull.

Jensen swallowed his food before answering. "Actually yeah. About a few years back, maybe even longer, I had this huge fear of what others thought of me."

"Really?" You asked.

"Mhm, anything done on set or stage that was seen as funny to everyone else, was actually a huge anxiety factor for me. I was beyond embarrassed and hated being the one everyone laughed at, even if it was literally for comedy." Jensen explained.

"Oh wow, I never knew it was that bad." Jared said.

"I was too embarrassed to tell you at the time, honestly." Jensen admitted.

"I actually deal with anxiety sometimes too, just not as bad as Jensen." Jared said.

"What helps you guys through it?" You asked.

"Honestly? For me it was therapy, lots of it." He said with a chuckle. "But the main thing I keep with me all the time, is to remember that most people are more likely to be absorbed in their thoughts, than they are paying attention to you or me. At the end of the day, what you do may not even matter to them at the dinner table. And if it does, it does." 

"Wow, that's some good advice." You said.

"Thank my therapist for that one." He said.

"I use a lot of deep breathing techniques, it tends to quell a lot of things for me." Jared said.

"Why you ask? Something on your mind?" Jensen asked.

"No, just curious. My one friend back home deals with this kind of stuff and I figured it would help to know." You stretched a bit. 

"Ah." Jensen said.

"Well, send her some love from us, okay?" Jared asked.

"Of course." You said, finishing up your lunch.

A beat of silence surrounded the three of you.

"Hey, are you busy later?" Jensen asked. "I know you're technically my boss and all.."

You looked up from your food and almost choked. Was Jensen asking you of all people, on a date? This had to be a misunderstanding. Yet again, Jared was practically all over Jensen, just by looking at him with his head in his hands.

"Huh? Uh, no, not really. I usually just pass the time by watching netflix or something I guess." You said.

"You want to grab a bite?"

You felt the tips of your ears burn like a hot stove.

"As a… date? Or…?" You asked.

"Depends." 

"On?"

"Well, do you want it to be?" Jared asked.

"Would it even be appropriate? I mean.. Like you said, I'm practically your boss, Jensen." You said.

"Don't see why it wouldn't be. It's not like you're doing any special favors to get me top role or anything." Jensen said with a knowing smile.

You smiled back and lightly rolled your eyes. Oh, this man is definitely going to be something if I date him. How could you say no?

"Yeah true." You said, probably still with a red face. "Sure, let's make it a date then."

"Yessss!" Jared whispered.

He did a silent victory dance on the way to the trash can and shut the trap closed with his hip. He strode proudly all the way back to the stage as if his son had won a competition. Jensen put his hands over his face a moment and exhaled lightly.

"Just ignore him." He said, muffled behind his hands.

"Couldn't if I wanted to." You said with a giggle.

[danksimstho]

first previous next

Johnny invited Ophelia, Ripp, Chloe, Lola, Pascal, Lazlo, Vidcund, and River Smith, but only Ophelia, Ripp, and River showed up. It was a small party, but his Mom and Dad we’re there. Jill was loving the party, not letting herself think about Johnny’s approaching departure.

After spending time cavorting with his family Johnny went out to the porch and found his guests. He chatted with Ripp and Ophelia on the porch while River went on in and danced with Jill.

Eventually Johnny had to vent all his nervous energy so he asked Ripp to dance. He was paying particular attention to Ripp since he was planning on moving in with Ophelia in college, so he knew this time with Ripp was important.

They played video games and Johnny was awesome with them as always. Ripp never complained about not knowing the game, he just smiled along and enjoyed playing with his friend.

Ophelia had just gotten a big style change, thanks to moving on campus. She had a bit of her aunt’s money to rent out student housing and she already used some of it on hair extensions and getting someone to braid them. Johnny and Ripp thought she looked so hot they were almost intimidated. She had also reached a growth spurt and was tall and fierce. She looked so confident you couldn’t tell she had bad anxiety and was worried about why her boyfriend was seemingly distancing from her.

“Are you gonna miss your sister?”

“Yeah, I might miss her most of all. Who’s gonna pick on her if I’m not around? Who’s gonna stick up for her? Who’s gonna teach her all the stuff a big brother does? I hope they invite me over often.”

“You’re gonna miss her more than me?” Ripp asked. “You bet your sorry ass I am! She’s my sister! I love her to bits!”

“I’m sure its gonna be hard on her without you. I know its gonna be harder on me and Buck now that Tank’s off to college.”

“Tank went to college? Where to?”

“La Fiesta Tech.”

“Damn, that’s the same one me and Phe are going to. I’ll probably see him around, then.”

“Well at least you’re in student housing, so he won’t be at your dorm.”

“True.”

The party ended and the guests went home, so Johnny hugged his father goodbye and Jenny waved him off as Ophelia joined him in the taxi.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” Said Ophelia. “I was really nervous living on my own. I’m not used to the quiet. It’s so much warmer in this house, I haven’t shivered in my sleep. There’s not much in the house but I’d still like to show you where everything is.”

“Sure babe. I think I’m gonna love living here. I mean, you’re here, right? What could be better?”

“Just check out the rug under the bed! I know how you love sports cars…”

She lead Johnny to the bedroom and showed him where she put everything, then she brought him to the bathroom and showed him his toothbrush.

“Dear Diary” He began. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s been so long that I aged up and moved out to college. I’m in my first semester at La Fiesta Tech and I’m living with my highschool girlfriend, Ophelia. You remember her. After Ophelia stepped up her look I decided to wear something less baggy. “This sounds silly but I didn’t want people to think I was her loser boyfriend. There’s another alien here, I caught sight of her on campus. She had short black hair and long winged eyeliner. Even more strange, she had alien eyes. But it’s Strangetown, or well, near it anyway. The campus on a whole seems pretty Liberal, comprised of a fair amount of counter-cultural students. I think I’ll fit in great here, although I might need to set up a better space for outdoor parties.

“Whenever we get the chance I think I’d like to go clubbing. There’s a lot of community lots around here for the students to gather and I love meeting new people. Plus, there’s dancing, and I’m wild about that. “I heard there was a breakdancing club somewhere on campus? Maybe I can get into that at home. These student loans are kind of crushing us, though. I’d love to get a job but there’s not really time for one. Maybe I can write home for some more money.

“I found out mom quit her job on my birthday. How are they gonna take care of Jill with two stay at home parents? At least Dad gets retirement checks. Maybe it’ll be alright.”

Ophelia had loved reading ever since she was a kid, escaping into worlds unknown, then coming out with knowledge she could share with others. She thought Literature would be her perfect Major. She navigated to her school’s home page and registered her major.

“Hey honey I just got done registering my major, have you decided on your yet?”

“Nah but I don’t want biology, that’s for sure.”

“Why not?”

“You know, the students might wanna poke n prod at me.”

“What about literature? That way we can have all the same classes.”

“Mmm… Maybe. It was one of my top picks but I’m just not sure yet.”

“That’s cool, you have time to figure it out. Well, as long as you don’t switch mid-way or later.”

“I’ll try to remember that.”

“So… It’s our first night together in our new house.”

“So it is.”

After they talked some more Johnny invited his mother over to see their new place while Ophelia made dinner. She was so proud of him and happy to see him.

“You’re all grown up now!”

“I know, mom.”

“It seems like yesterday you were my baby boy. You looked like a little green squid, your father and I were so worried, but now you’re all grown and healthy and strong.”

He flexed “Yep, super strong! I can beat up any burglar that comes here!”

“Oh I don’t want to think of any burglars! You both barely have anything to steal.”

“That’s kinda rude mom, we’re trying our best.”

“I know, dear, but you should have at least taken your desk from home.”

“Jill uses it more than I do. I thought you could make use of it. I definitely don’t need another bed, me and Ophelia are sleeping together.”

“Oh I suppose you would. But what about Ripp?”

“Huh?”

“I thought he might move in with you after he goes to college.”

“Well, between you and me mom, he’s kind of failing highschool.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. He’s such a talented boy. It must be all those fights he gets in.”

“Err… Well… He’s not exactly picking the fights. He’s being bullied.”

“Have I heard of this bully?”

“I’d rather not say, mom.”

“Alright, alright, don’t tell your mother anything, see what that get’s ya.”

Johnny rolled his eyes.

“You’re so silly mom.”

“I am. Hey, are you too old for a… tickle monster?!”

Soon enough it got late and Johnny and Ophelia retired to bed. The next morning they were both rested but stayed in eachother’s arms to enjoy the morning.

“This is my ‘Phe’s making me Breakfast’ Dance”

“Sweet moves.”

“Thanks. Whatcha cookin’?”

“Toaster pastries. There’s not much in the cabinets unfortunately.”

“Ah. So It’s Pasta and Pancakes, eh?”

“We’d be lucky to get pancakes.”

“I’m used to my dad’s cooking. He was always really good.”

“I bet he had a lot of time at home to work on those skills.”

“You might be surprised. Alien kids can be a real handful.”

“I hope not. I’d like to have some own of mine someday.”

“You would?”

“Yes, I love children, and I love you.”

“Well, I love children too, but… We should give it time.”

“Ideally we’d finish college first.” She said.

“What about Ripp?”

“Are you asking if I want human babies?”

“No! I mean, if Ripp does move in with us, how will that work with kids?”

“I can’t imagine it would be all that different. Could be better than a two parent household. Three heads are better than one.”

“I don’t know if he want’s any. He’s always struck me as the type who can’t be tied down.”

“He loves kids, Johnny. He’s been looking for a proper family ever since his mom left.”

“You too, huh? I mean, when your family died….”

“I don’t want to talk about that.” She frowned. “Food’s ready.”

“I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me. I shouldn’t bring stuff like that up without a warning.”

“Well I talk about it in therapy. I’m excited to get to see my therapist more, now that I’m paying for it.”

“It’s still your aunt’s money.”

“What she doesn’t know won’t kill her.”

“Thanks for the breakfast, by the way.”

“You’re welcome. Do you wanna cook next time?”

“Sure, I’ll cook supper. I need to get better at cooking for class anyway.”

“I don’t need cooking skill for my classes but it might be good for motherhood.”

“Always thinking ahead, my girlfriend.”

“That’s not true. You keep me in the moment.”

They shared a peck.

first previous next

[nodesiretogrowup]

ok, time for a semi-thought out review-spoilers below

I knew that the captain badge thingy Lunaris gave Penny (I shall use this nickname because her name is too damn long) was some type of control device. That scene reminded me too much of Mark giving Gizmoduck that Waddle badge for it to just be a coincidence.

I am LIVING for Lunaris’ dramatic, theatrical voice! He is 100% THAT BITCH

HERE’S HOW PHOOEY DUCK CAN STILL WIN

You know you’re in for a good time when Dewey and Webby team up. I guess old men in Disney shows CAN’T have models in bottles. 

The different family members that Scrooge has pictures of all over are super sweet. No matter what he claims, Scrooge is a family man. 

It’s super cute that Huey was sending postcards. He’s a good boi.

I wonder if Donald’s head is that hard or if the cell walls are really soft.

I bet those visors on the helmets that go over the Moonlander’s eyes are some kind of mind-control devices

I think Lunaris WANTED Donald and Penny to find his secret war room. He sensed her hesitation. Plus if Donald was SO IMPORTANT TO him, Lunaris probably would have taken Donald to the mines personally.

You like Della don’t you, Penny? *smug Spongebob face*

Dewey is 110% THAT BITCH. He and Drake need to hangout sometime.

“We’re both the bad cop.” Webby, sweetie...

Dew-tective. Dewey is pun-sexual

Donald/Cheesy Postcards is otp. But who is he sending those cheesy postcards to? Or does he just collect them?

 The lighting in the noir scene was AMAZING.

Oh Webby, you were so close

“He’s your uncle too.” “WHAT CASE?!” I love my red son.

Poor Donald. It’s not his fault he’s so squishy. We can’t all be Darkwing Duck tough.

Gibbous is lucky to have Zenith. I want more of the two of them. They are adorable

“Almost pleasurable to hit” ...no comment. Also Donald makes the same sound as Spongebob when he’s hit. Therefor Donald must be part sponge and that is how he can take so much damage.

“Inflicting pain is fun!”-Frank’s motto

“This is your moment, Gibbous.”

THAT WINK! MY LITTLE BI HEART COULDN’T HANDLE IT!

Penny’s directions are HORRIBLE. I hope she never has to lead anyone else anywhere.

Their plan was SUCH a kid logic plan. I LOVE IT.

The mailwoman is GORGEOUS AND I LOVE HER.

“Bill, bill, bill. Man, being an adult is not fun.” I feel personally attacked

I think Mr. Jones could have worded his letter better. Also, I keep getting bills from my therapist even though I already paid them so that hit close to home as well.

Donald is too thicc for the vent system.

This scene has THE BEST DONLAD FACES EVER!

The moon scorpion is ADORABLE and I LOVE IT. I bet that little guy is gonna give Donald his superpowers. It followed Donald and helped him out when he was (sometimes literally) in a tight spot.

 I WANT TO CUDDLE WITH DONALD!

“Oooo, seedy.” Webby, hon, we need to talk. Dewey in the background freaking out over the roach was great.

Dewey, darling, you do not have spy skills. We still love you anyway.

Webby is 200% THAT BITCH. I feel like the fake backstory was probably a reference to something but I’m not sure what. The locket thing made me think of Anne. Webby is COMMITTED to her backstories.

DO NOT TOUCH! (DEWEY!!) What has Dewey done with that uniform to warrant such a warning?

Dewey, there is a time and place for your own theme song. This was neither.

Webby, please never change.

Donald’s file is as dummy thicc as he is. I hate myself.

I DEMAND A PLUSH OF DT17 DONALD. NOW.

Donald has entered DAD MODE (™)

I wish Donald would gently rock me to sleep. And tuck me in. And give me a kiss on the cheek.

“Aw, phooey”-because you can’t say “Fuck me” on the Disney Channel

MOONY TO THE RESCUE (I’ve named them and I am TOTALLY ATTACHED/EMOTIONALLY BONDED WITH THEM). 

DAT ASS

Would beds made of gold be comfortable?

DANCE, DONALD, DANCE

“Help me look for them. But DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.” Penny, you need to work on your leadership skills.

I wish we could get a closer look at Lunaris’ “Most Dangerous” list. The man is thorough. Organization goals. 

I didn’t see Beakley, Webby, or Launchpad on there. Darkwing isn’t on there either, but he’s brand new so that one makes sense.

It made me very happy to see Lunaris continue to get beat up. Not as tough as you act, ya bastard. And he’s a dumbass for not using the dummy first, then testing on one of the moon mites, and ENDING with himself. Do you even science, bro?

The pic of Donald with the eggs warmed my heart. :’)

It’s adorable that Dewey thinks that he’s a detective/spy and that he could get the jump on anyone, much less Webby.

LET THE POOR DUCK HAVE A BREAK! HASN’T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH?!

HOW DARE THAT BASTARD HURT MY MOON WIFE!

“Great victory comes with great sacrifice.” I do NOT like the sound of that.

DONALD IS A DETERMINED MOTHER FUCKER.

I really feel like Donald is the best fighter in the show. Even when he’s in pretty bad shape, Donald can take a punch without getting KO’d. He’s good at evading hits. Jim and Drake may be able to take more damage, but Donald can avoid getting hurt in the first place. Well, at least in a fight.

Lunaris is what Magica and Glomgold think they are. He’s cold, calculating, and organized. He can get inside someone’s head to find out how they work. He knows a person’s emotional weakness and will dig into it. I think Donald might end up throwing off his game because Donald reacts much differently to emotional stress than most. Others breakdown and are at their most vulnerable. But Donald channels the emotions into energy and is arguably at his most powerful.

I think Webby may have a problem remembering what is real and what she made up.

Dewey might have the same problem.

Scrooge, you need to accept the you are old. OLD AS BALLS.

The #1 therapist mug is great. I also like that they once again took a character from the comics and gave them an upgrade. Though Mr. Jones seems like he should be in anger management as well.

If we needed anymore proof that Donald is a FUCKING FORCE OF NATURE, Mr. Jones’ office gives us a pretty good idea of what Donald is capable of. Little guy can pack a punch.

That speech, man. That PERFECTLY explains who Donald is and why he does what he does. I cried when Mr. Jones was explain how much Donald loves his family overlayed with Donald himself backing up those words. POETIC CINEMA! T_T

Donald out-maneuvering Lunaris shows what Donald is best at-reading a situation and adjusting his tracticts/plan. He’s pretty good at thinking on his feet and unlike the majority of the other characters, Donald knows when he’s out-matched. That’s why he and Della were such a good team. Della was the brawn while Donald was the brains.

DONALD IS TOO STUBBORN TO DIE. And Moony is soooo in there with him.

“There goes the bravest man on two worlds.” Truer words have never been spoken. He might be the most stubborn as well. 

SCROOGE, YOU CALLOUS CORKSCREW DICK! YOU ARE PROBABLY THE CAUSE OF 90% OF THAT ANGER. YOU SHOULD PAY.

“Because he loves us.” I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING!

Y’all were SO CLOSE!

The look Scrooge gets when he’s listening to Donald’s message, he KNOWS something is up.

Donald is off to Canada (old SU meme is old.

Seriously though, Scrooge is kind of a prick in this episode. He brushes off a lot of stuff about Donald, like the therapy. I hope this is leading to something like Grunkle Stan and Dipper, that Scrooge is hard on Donald because he sees a lot of himself in his nephew. Both have anger issues and both have unique speech pattern. I’m sure Scrooge has dealt with people not being understand him due to his accent many times.

I like that they didn’t make a joke out of Donald receiving therapy. If this were an “adult” show, the show/characters would probably mock Donald for going. But here it’s presented as a good thing and that Donald is mature and a good person for reaching out for help. The fact that he did it to be a better parent...SO PURE AND WHOLESOME. DONALD IS BEST DAD! 

[isaacathom]

cant wait to be independent so i can get a friend to accompany me to a therapist and get some mfing diagnoses

[rcsied]

katie stevens. cisfemale. she/her. — did you see { elise ensworth }, i haven’t seen the { twenty-four } year old in a while! you know, they’re a { drycleaner & tailor }, and have been living in jersey city for { three years }. some say they’re { compulsive & calculating }, but i think they’re { reliable & outspoken }. regardless, i’m glad { elise } is here. ( courtney, 24, she/her, mst )

and for my third trick i bring you an ill-equipped former guardian with no financial sense whatsoever and a penchant for unsolicited criticism ok here’s her pinterest let’s get this show on the road

the first thing you should know about elise ensworth is that she was referred to her first therapist just before her eighth birthday

coincidentally this was right around the time she started to criticize her mother’s revolving door of black cards suitors, so that should tell you just about everything you need to know about her nyc upbringing

started from the bottom now we......’re right back at the bottom because the alimony from mum’s latest divorce is nice but it won’t pay for those ballet lessons that elise and her younger sister daphne got signed up for when they were still living uptown

any child psychologist worth their weight will tell you that instability isn’t chill for Young Minds so it shouldn’t really come as a surprise to you that elise grew a little more difficult with each of her mother’s failed relationships

ig when nobody at home will tell shit to you straight about why there’s a strange man at the breakfast table or why the tv suddenly doesn’t get mtv anymore there’s always the chance that you’re going to grow into the sort of person that’s honest to a fault

like elise really didn’t need to tell her 9th grade science teacher that her teeth were yellow and her lessons boring but she did anyway

as far as good examples go elise spent a solid eight years setting a pretty shitty one for her sister

so if i were daphne i might be wondering what it is about that sk8r boi remi that brought about a change when he and his dad rolled onto the scene

despite 15+ years of therapy we’re still working on discussing our feelings so catch elise avoiding that question ! NEXT ! 

all you need to know is that when things got bad with the parental unit elise got the kids in the divorce and she’s been working on those maternal instincts since then

about three years ago she moved remi and daphne to jersey  ( 😒 )  because that new york city rent is no joke and if that’s not proof that she would die for those bitches i don’t know what more you want from her

elise has been making some strides since she got them set up in jersey city so let me tell you a little bit about that

she still operates on a need to know basis and her parameters of what you need to know are still a little broader than most people’s but she’s a lot more likely to clock when she’s offended someone with her unsolicited opinion now and a lot less likely to blame them for their reaction

if she’s really overstepped you might even find her dancing around an apology

baby steps ig ???

ya girl did not sign up to be your mom friend but if there’s no one else around she’ll hold your hair and your fake lashes while you throw up your vodka diet sodas

and you can bet your ass if she committed to plans with you she’s going to see them through without complaint

if you need someone in your corner to go hard for you elise should be your first phone call

if you need an amateur detective elise should be your first phone call

she’s not necessarily a snoopy bitch but if you’re looking to find the insta account of That Bitch in the background of your boyfriend’s latest upload she could probably help you out :/

scorpio.

scorpio.

for the moment she’s working at a drycleaners’ downtown which is fine because it means she can browse asos for 85% of her shift

financial planning ???? we don’t know her

probably got a disconnection notice for the electric after she ignored the bill and bought a bag instead :/

tragically heterosexual. never experimented. don’t cry for her argentina.

give her friends to talk shit with and people that don’t jive with her honesty hour bullshit and maybe an ex

customers ???? the bitch can do great things with a questionable stain and a dress in need of hemming

text her if you want to watch project runway ttyl xo

[ikonxmx]

No Happy Endings | Wonho [M]

Warnings: Strong language and implications of sex.

word count: 3,718

“Hey, what ya’ reading today?” The librarian asks with a smile.

Part 1: The Thing About Keeping Schedules

All love novels are the same. Boy meets girl or boy knows girl, one of them has a crush on the other or they both have a crush on each other and are too chicken shit to admit it. Some bullshit struggle goes on in their life and they ultimately come to the conclusion that they love one another. Problem is, shit like that doesn’t happen in real life, and it gives hopeless romantics like you a false sense of security. “Everything will work out for the best. It’ll all turn out okay in the end.” BULLSHIT.

Truth is, happy ending only exist in novels and tv for a fucking reason. And anyone who’s ever known or experienced “love” can tell you it’s all fake. They won’t though. They’ll laugh in your face and let you go on believing that everything will be okay when it won’t. Happy endings don’t exist in the real world. You’ll find that out the hard way, though. Prince Charming isn’t real. And neither is love.

As a student, the library is your safe haven, somewhere you can go and be completely to yourself… well as to yourself as you can be with 300 other people walking around. It stays quiet, though. The librarian makes sure of that. She’s actually quite young if you had to guess you’d say early to mid-thirties. Late twenties if you wanted to stretch. She’s nice. One of the only people besides your next door neighbor to hold a conversation with you. Sure it was usually just a “Hey, what ya’ reading today,” followed by a short answer and some awkward eye contact, but it was a lot more than what most people were giving you these days.

Your mom blames it on what she likes to call your O.T.W, “Own Little World.” There, human interaction comes to you as naturally as it does the characters in your books. When it comes to real life, however, you’re stuck. There are no quotation marks to show you where dialogue begins and ends, and absolutely no way to know what’s going on in someone’s head. Real life talking to people sucks. And that’s just one of the many reasons you have filed in your “Why I Don’t Interact Like A Normal Human Being” folder.

You don’t mind for the most part. Sure you felt lonely every now and then but it’s only been so long since you moved out of your parent's house so you chalk it up to homesickness. And like mentioned before, you have a neighbor. She refuses to let you be too anti-social and drops by to check on you twice a week. It’d be weird to call her a friend, but she’s the closest thing you have to one right now so that’s exactly what you’ll call her.

Back to the library. You come every day at the same time. You’re a creature of habit, so you do pretty much everything at the same time every day. Generally. You don’t freak out if you’re 5 minutes behind schedule, but you like to keep everything in the same hour if you can. Up at 7 o’clock, showering at 7:15, breakfast at 7:30, newspaper and comic reading until 8, then you’d head to the library, making it there at around 8:45. On Monday’s and Wednesday’s, you have a 9:30 psych class so you’d study up until then and head to your 11:15 kinesiology course after psych was done. You’d get lunch when kinesiology was through and head directly to your 3:30 English course. By 5 o’clock you were back in the library finishing work for Tuesday and Thursday’s business technology and international relations classes. You’d read a few chapter of a book once you were through and head home at around 10. You more or less did the same thing on those days too.

Anyone looking from the outside would say your schedule is a mess. Your classes don’t really coincide with your major and you have a shit ton of coursework to complete on a regular basis. This was better for you, though. Staying busy kept you focused so you never really worried about little things like… your nonexistent social life! More than that, you took classes that piqued your interest. English is mandatory but psych and kinesiology were both things you’d gotten into because of books.

In “Seeing Past Pasts” the female protagonist was a psychologist studying a schizophrenic 6-year-old boy and his depressed 12-year-old sister. She ends up falling in love with their biological father although he doesn’t have custody of the two kids. The story was sweet and endearing. It made you more curious about psychology than anything else, though.

“Heal to Make Whole” was all about a physical therapist and her hidden relationship with a star athlete who tears his ACL during a game and has to be treated by her. They hate each other by the end of the physical therapy but somehow end up working things out to live happily ever after. It got you thinking, you should know how to take better care of your body. It’s the only one you’ve got and it won’t stay be in great shape unless you keep it in great shape. You’re generally active, though. A 45-minute walk from your apartment to the library every day made sure of that. Walks to and from classes could be counted as well since some of them were pretty far apart. Other than that you were pretty much clueless.

They’re pretty useless classes for an international business major. You enjoy them, though, and that’s all that matters.

“Hey, what ya’ reading today?” The librarian asks with a smile.

“Careful.” You answer and hold up the recently released book. It’s a story about an introverted college student and the guy who tries to break her from her shell.

“Forever the romantic.” The librarian teases.

You laugh and make your way toward your usual table at the back of the library. It’s 6 o'clock at night so it’s not very crowded. In fact, the place is kind of empty. Of course, you don’t mind. Less noise makes for a better reading environment.

You finish your classwork relatively quickly and move on to your book. It’s not as dramatic as most other love novels you read which you can appreciate. The simplistic approach was very risky. Some people love the drama involved in romance novels. You, however, are completely content with reading about the being domestic as fuck for the majority of the book.

You close your book and look down at your phone to see it reads 11 p.m. You look around and see that you’re the only person left and lights had begun to turn off. You sheepishly walk toward the exit. The librarian sees you and perks up.

“Finally finished?” She questions.

“Yeah,” You chuckled. “Sorry for keeping you here so late.”

“It’s no problem. Not like I had anything planned. The only thing waiting for me at home is Chinese takeout.” She smiles.

You laugh and wave your goodbyes.

Walking home late at night is dangerous. A 45-minute walk at 11 at night… now that’s deadly. Maybe you’re a bit of a daredevil? Anyway, you don’t think twice as you set off on foot instead of grabbing a cab. The walk is you time, and you time is necessary. School is stressful! This is the time you use to breathe and enjoy the simple things… like trees and shit.

You've never walked this late before, though. In fact, you'd have been home for about an hour on a regular basis. A two-hour difference can't add that much more danger. For some reason your exceptionally terrified, though. Every leaf crunch and snapping twig sound you’d usually find relaxing send an unpleasant shiver down your spine. Maybe it's because after you do it, you hear another set of feet doing the same. It started about three blocks back, and they've continued through every turn you've made… Maybe it's a coincidence and you're just headed the same way. But you're a reader, and as a result, your imagination runs wild. In your head, this person is following you. For what you're not sure, but you're positive it's nothing good.

You quicken your pace and make a small detour. The feet behind you seem to quicken too. So you make a mad dash. You're not sure where you're going at this point but you don't look back.

The door to some apartment complex opens and a girl rushes out. You don't think twice as you run into the open door only to crash into a hardened chest.

“Are you okay?” The stranger asks as he put his arms on your shoulders to steady you.

You nod slightly embarrassed and try to catch your breath.

“Are you sure? You seem a little out of breath.” He notes.

You look up at the stranger finally… the shirtless stranger. He's got blonde hair, and his kind worried eyes are looking directly at you.

“I was just…” you start but your mouth goes dry. He's gorgeous. You're not sure you've ever seen a more perfect human being.

“Just… what?”

You shake your head slightly trying to pull yourself together… What were you doing? Why are you in this stranger's arms instead of walking home? That's right, the stalker!

“Ahh.” You say snapping your fingers. The stranger looks at you confused and so you explain. “I heard footsteps. I thought someone was following me, so I ran.”

He nods and lets go of one of your shoulders to look from the glass walls into the street.

“I don't see anyone… you should be safe. I'll call you a cab just to be sure, though.” He says and pats your shoulders again.

You nod, still dazed by his attractiveness. It's not fair for one person to be so good looking.

“Shit” Hoseok cursed as he came back into his living room to see the girl he'd just finished sleeping with and one of his favorite t-shirts gone. He doesn't think twice as he rushes at the door after her. She couldn't have gone that far. It took him five minutes to pee and put back on his jeans. She was obviously quicker, though. He took the stairs, sure the elevator would take too long and ran toward the street entrance of the apartment building. He watches as she runs down the last flight of stairs and out of the door, and he quick on her trails. However, he wasn't paying attention and ran straight into a woman. He gripped her shoulders to steady her as she almost fell.  

  “Are you okay?” He asked quickly looking out if the glass complex and watching the woman disappear from view before turning his attention back to the one in front of him. The woman nodded slightly and kept her head down. That's when Hoseok noticed her breathing. It's what he sounds like after running for 30 minutes straight on a treadmill. “Are you sure? You seem a little out of breath.” He notes.

She finally looks into his eyes, her lips parting slightly in what seems like awe. Hoseok is touched but still worried. Had she hit her head against his chest that hard? He has a pretty solid chest. Maybe he should check for a concussion? He searches her eyes worriedly.

“I was just…” She started but stopped suddenly, and instead opted to stare at Hoseok more.

“Just… what?”

she shakes her head slightly but still stays silent as if she's lost her train of thought.

“Ahh.” She says snapping her fingers as if she's just had a Eureka moment. Hoseok looks at her expectantly, waiting for an explanation.“I heard footsteps. I thought someone was following me, so I ran.”

He nods and lets go of one of her shoulders to check the streets.

“I don't see anyone… you should be safe. I'll call you a cab just to be sure, though.” He says and pats her shoulders again.

He takes her hand and leads her outside. Flagging down a taxi is relatively easy. After making sure she's situated inside he heads over to the driver and hands him a few bills from his back pocket.

“Make sure she's safe.” He tells the driver and looks back at you to smile.

The smile you return is a bit awkward and you're dropping your head to break eye contact seconds later. Hoseok chuckles and backs away from the cab waving it goodbye.

He checks the street again for any sign of the girl he’d been with before heading back in. She's be long gone by now. What could she really do with a shirt anyway? He lets it go and shivers. He shouldn't have gone outside without a shirt on.

“Wake up.” A voice calls to Hoseok in his sleep. He grumbles a bit and turns away from the voice. 5 days have passed since the incident and he's still mourning the loss of his favorite shirt.

“Up,” the same voice calls again, this time right next to his ear. Hoseok scrunched his face and swats at the nuisance.

“Hey dumbass! Wake the fuck up.” A voice Hoseok recognizes as Kihyun calls. Seconds later he's being doused in very cold water.

Hoseok sputters awake and makes eye contact with a very amused Kihyun. Although he's still half asleep and his eyes haven't adjusted very well, Hoseok can see the smugness written all over Kihyun’s face.

“What the hell was that for?!” He questions angrily.

“You're in big trouble.” Minhyuk answers from beside him.

“Big trouble, how?”

“A dating scandal?! A freaking dating scandal?! Out of everything you could've done to get yourself into some shit… this takes the cake.” Hyungwon says as he paces the floor.

“I already said it's not true!” Hoseok defends himself.

“Then why the hell were you shirtless and hugging the girl? Why were you holding her hand, hmmm?” Hyungwon asks.

“Well, that's…” Hoseok says and scratches his head. If he told them he'd ran into the girl after chasing one of his conquests, they'd only give him more shit. Only one way out of this. “Hey, don't speak informally to me! I'm still your hyung!”

“He was sleeping with someone.” Changkyun sighs and shakes his head.

“No!” Hoseok yells. The boys look at him in disbelief. He sighs, “Okay, so I was.” They all groan and throw their hands up in defeat. “But no one knows that! They all think I'm dating this girl! We’ll just have her clear up the misunderstanding.”

“That'll only have people asking why you were really outside,” Kihyun says as he rubs his temples.

“A dating scandal is bad but having people find out you sleep with anything that walks is much worse,” Hyunwoo says.

“Hey!” Hoseok pouts. He doesn't sleep with anything that moves. Just the things with nice legs.

“You've got to date the girl,” Kihyun suggests.

“What? No! I don't want to date her!” Hoseok protests.

“Too bad! You should've thought about that before allowing pictures of you holding her hand to get taken.” Hyungwon yells.

“I don't even know her name! Or how to get in contact with her!” Hoseok says. He's a bit relieved that he doesn't know. He's not ready for a relationship. Let alone a public one.

“You'd better find out how.” Hyunwoo says glaring at the younger boy.

Hoseok drops his head. Once Hyunwoo gives a command it's pretty much law. Everyone should follow it. He sighs and searches the internet hoping someone has found anything on the woman.

To his luck, they've found a lot. Candid pictures of her have flooded the internet, “Wonho’s Secret Girlfriend” making up a majority of the titles.

He goes to the comments in hopes of seeing anything about your personal life. The top comment, like by more than 3,000 people reads:

“Wow! I didn't know she was dating an idol! She's a student at my university PLMU! We share a Psych class. She's nice but extremely quiet, and from what I've heard she spends most of her time in the library.”

Bingo.

“You're looking for?” The librarian asks Hoseok as she gives him a once over.

He nervously grips the bouquet of flowers in his hand tighter and swallows before reciting the name he'd found on the Internet.

“Who are you to her?”

“Ummm…” Hoseok starts, not really sure how to answer. “Her boyfriend?” He says but it comes out as more of a question.

The librarian’s eyes turn into slits as she glares at him disbelievingly. “Shouldn't her boyfriend know her class schedule?”

“She never told me… just that she's usually here.” Hoseok chuckles and gives his best smile trying to win over the woman

“I don't believe you.” She says bluntly making Hoseok’s smile drop. “And without a student ID, you'll have to wait outside the library.”

He silently curses the librarian before exiting. Knowing your schedule would've been a big help. He barely found your name, though, so he's thankful for what he can get. Hoseok stands for the majority of his waiting but after an hour he realizes you probably won't be back anytime soon and cops a squat.

Your international relations class ticked by. And people seemed to be staring at you for the majority of it. You'd seen the article so you knew why they were staring, but at the same time, it baffled you. Was the concept of a rumor foreign to them? The pictures were taken completely out of context and had you known he was an idol, you would've never spoken to him. Sure, forbidden love sounds interesting when you're reading about it, but to you, being in a secret relationship sounded as appealing as watching a 90-year-old man peel oranges with his bare hands for 6 hours.

Not to say that just talking to him would've instantly lead to a relationship… but you had thought about what dating the kind stranger would be like. Once the article had been released you'd berated yourself for entertaining the thought.

Your teacher finally dismisses the class. You're the first one from the door. Next stop: the library. A peaceful place where you could emerge yourself in a good book and avoid the gazes of curious onlookers. But as you come to the entrance you see it a bit crowded. Girls are gathered around trying to get a glimpse at whatever. Curiosity gets the better of you and you decide to take a peek as well. What you see makes your eyes turn into saucers. The stranger from Thursday night, or as you’d recently found out, Wonho of Monsta X.

He's smiling and happily interacting with his fans. The two of you make eye contact and his smile turns brighter. You find yourself smiling back. He rushes through the crowd of girls and comes to your side. He wraps his arm around your shoulder and ushers you into the library.

“How was class? You paid attention well right?” He asks loud enough for the people around you to hear. He quiets down once he's out of earshot.

“What ya’ reading today?” The librarian questions as you come into view. She looks at the arm draped around your shoulder and scowls at Wonho. He tauntingly sticks out his tongue.

“Something tells me I won't be reading today.” You sigh.

“Hold my hand as you speak, keep direct eye contact, and smile. Even when you're saying something mean. Just keep smiling” Hoseok whispers as he pulls out your chair and sits in the one opposite of you.

You don't say anything as he takes your hand in his and presses a chaste kiss to your knuckles. “What the hell are you doing?” You ask with a forced smile.

“Play along.” He smiles back. “I confirmed our relationship this morning.”

“We aren't in a relationship.” You hiss the fake smile still plastered on your face.

“We are now. I can't have people knowing the real reason I was out.”

“And you couldn't have thought of literally any excuse? Seeing off a friend. Asking for help from maintenance. Hell, you could've said you were checking your mail.”

He goes quiet. The mail excuse was good and decently believable. Why couldn't he have thought of that? Why couldn't his members have thought of that?

“What's done is done know.” He says leaning toward you. “Dating me isn't so bad, right?”

He's cute but you refuse to acknowledge it at this point. You're furious. Why do you have to be dragged into his lie?

“6 months. That's all I need. Then we’ll break up and when people ask what happened I can say going public affected your private life negatively.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Come on, please? I'll make it worth your while.” He says with a sly eyebrow wiggle.

“There is absolutely nothing you can say that will make me keep up with this charade for 6 months.”

Wonho’s smile brightens. “I'll pay you $10,000”

“Except for that.” You say smiling once again. “Wonho, right?”

He chuckles, “It’d be a bit weird for my girlfriend to call me by my stage name right? Hoseok. Shin Hoseok.”

You nod, “My name is-”

"I know your name." He smiles, "I'm gonna need to know your class schedule, though."

Part. 1 FIN

A/N: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed. I think I’ll have a lot of fun writing this series so I hope you’ll support it. Feedback is always appreciated so please stop into the inbox and let me know how you’re feeling about it so far.

-AJ

[going-through-some-stuff]

Entry Seventeen - Saturday, July 11 2020

Well it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted on here. It’s also been a little over  two years that I’ve been posting on here, which is fucking insane to me. There honestly hasn’t been anything super insane that’s happened to me specifically in the like six months since I posted last. COVID-19 is still going on because people refuse to wear masks and self-quarantine, which is frustrating to say the least. Black Lives Matter protests are also happening still, which is another whole ordeal in and of itself. Like how hard is it to understand that the police force disproportionately targets black people and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with all the bullshit they get away with. Fuck qualified immunity and all that shit. Fuck 12, All Cops Are Bastards, de-fund the police. Anyway, back to what’s going on in my life specifically because you can and should go listen to what more qualified people are saying about Black Lives Matter, and COVID if that’s still going on. One big thing that happened to me over the last few months was I decided to drop accounting as a major and pursue higher level courses in economics because accounting is very boring and not what I want to do. I’m getting a masters certificate in econometrics, which is basically the data analysis and projection side of economics. I think I’ve gotten all of that stuff sorted out, but we’ll have to see. It’s gonna be weird because I’ll be taking undergraduate and graduate courses at the same time this fall, but I should be fine. Still going to therapy (virtually because duh) and it’s been helpful. It’s nice to have a person that I can just talk through my shit with. I’m also pretty sure I have ADHD in some capacity because my mind is just constantly running in all sorts of directions but I won’t know for sure until I can get back to Emporia and take an official test for it. I also quit my job at Walgreens because I didn’t enjoy working there and didn’t want to be there anymore. It’s been nice not having to worry about work all the time and having a ton of free time to myself. Not getting paid kinda sucks, but I have money saved up so I can pay my bills and still have money left over for stuff I want to do like seeing movies, buying magic cards, etc. Not having a job also means I get to spend my summer in Wichita, which has been pretty great overall. It was supposed to be a time to get to see/hang out with my friends a lot but COVID has kinda put a damper on that. I still get to see them, but not as often as I’d like. I also haven’t been talking to my dad as often, which has also been good because basically every conversation I have with him ends in me being pissed off in some capacity. I’ve seen him like three times since summer has started and they’ve all been fine but he’s still very obnoxious to deal with as a whole so the less the better. Like he just refuses to admit he’s wrong in any capacity. I try to call him out on his bullshit, he tells me I’m wrong and that I need to “grow up” and get used to the “real world” where apparently everybody is an asshole, at least according to him. It’s just impossible to have a serious conversation where I tell him anything important going on in my life because he always finds a way to turn it into a fucking lecture. It’s so fucking frustrating. He’s just always so passive aggressive about shit. Like I have to go with him, my sister, and my stepmom to Emporia later this week for some stuff and my sister and I were going to drive up separate because she wants to be back pretty quickly since she will have gotten back from a month or so out of town doing medical school stuff. So my sister asks if it’s ok if we leave early, my dad says he wants to have dinner up there, and she asks again because she gets back the day before and wasn’t aware until yesterday or two days ago we were going up there, and my dad’s exact response was “That is fine. I was thinking it was another hour, but if you feel that way, that is fine.” As if that’s not some of the most passive aggressive bullshit ever. Also whenever my dad says anything is going to take X amount of time, it’s usually twice that long at least. So when he says an hour, its at least two hours or more. But it’s this kind of passive aggressive shit that makes me not want to talk to him. He talks like he’s so much better than we are and that we don’t know what we’re doing or that we’re adults, and it’s infuriating. If he didn’t have financial power over me (paying for phone bills, etc.) I would probably never talk to him because I just don’t want to deal with it. If he could just admit to being an asshole and not being right all the time, then maybe we could work on some kind of compromise. Like I know I’m not the best son/person but that doesn’t excuse his shitty behavior. I really want to have a sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart about what’s going on because I feel like he really does want what’s best for me and doesn’t understand how much he’s been fucking with my mental health for most of my life, but also I’ve tried to have serious conversations with him before and he always ends up condescending, interrupting, and overall treating my experiences and feelings like they’re invalid. I’d like to do it before I go back to college this fall so I can just have that off my mind, but it’s hard. I don’t know if I’m going to really be able to put all of my feelings out there in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I”m attacking him and trying to blame everything on him, because it’s not entirely his fault I am the way I am. But on the other hand I think he deserves a chance to be able to learn from his mistakes and be a better person. I just don’t know how well he’s going to be able to do that and how much of an impact this is really going to have, and that’s what scares me about it. I really want to try and fix this because I know other people’s dads are irredeemable and they’ve got no shot, and I feel like I”m doing them a disservice by just completely giving up without a fair chance. I don’t know. It sucks. I think I need to talk to my mom about it because I know they went to couples therapy for a long time before they divorced and I want to hear her side of how that went and see what she thinks. My therapist thinks it’s a good idea and my sister agrees, but we’ll see. Anyway, I’m gonna start doing a thing where I put a song that I’ve been listening to a lot recently and hopefully one that pertains to whatever I end up talking about in these posts, even when I post as infrequently as I do. The first song is Could Have Been Me by The Struts. If you pay attention to the timing of these posts, you’ll notice it’s a song that I’ve only heard because it was popular on Tik-Tok, but this app is great and anybody who thinks they’re too good for it is a pretentious asshole. Like if you don’t want to use it, that’s fine, but you’re not special for not using it either. Anyway, this song is really good and I very much suggest it. But that’s it for today. See y’all again at some point probably. It’s ya boi, AW, signing off.

[infinitehouseofbooks]

YOUNG ADULT FRIDAYS - Pink Lock Picks and Sequined Witch Hats

Welcome to Shannon Muir’s Infinite House of Books!

DISCLAIMER: This content has been provided to INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS by Xpresso Book Tours. No compensation was received. This information required by the Federal Trade Commission.

Pink Lock Picks and Sequined Witch Hats Carla Rehse Publication date: July 24th 2017 Genres: Urban Fantasy, Young Adult

Seventeen-year-old Gracie Mason is homecoming queen, co-captain of the cheerleading squad, and a member of the student council. She’s also a budding burglar. While attempting her inaugural break-in, Gracie blacks out and wakes up far away from the scene. It turns out she accidentally intruded on a male witch’s “circle of power,” and now she’s bonded to him for life. To break the bond, Gracie must delve deeper into a society of witches that involves a secret club, a shadowy council, and all sorts of magical mischief.

Gracie quickly learns that dissolving the bond with Asher, admittedly a very handsome and charming witch, is more complicated than she initially thought. And right when it seems things can’t get any worse, witches start turning up dead. It’s clear that Gracie is out of her depth as her quest to sever the bond magically turns into a murder investigation.

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EXCERPT:

New Hobbies

Daddy told me years ago that to succeed in life I need a strong plan, the right tools, and the gumption to follow through. His words of wisdom helped me get elected homecoming queen, become co-captain of the cheerleading squad, and voted on the student council. Now I plan to use them to help me pull off my first burglary.

My plan is solid. I’ve also never backed down from a challenge, not even last year when Brittany Thomas became overly friendly with the entire football team in a sad attempt to deprive me of my crown. People say I started the rumor about the rash of STD cases spreading through the boys’ locker room faster than a brush fire. I didn’t, of course. Why start gossip when the squad of doctors from the local Health Department did it for me?

I take a deep breath as I enter the Trinity Building. At almost four o’clock on a Friday before a three-day weekend, the place is deader than a PTA meeting. It helps that today is the hottest July first on record for Central Texas and the air conditioning in this building is dismally subpar. The Trinity Corporation may claim to have the most upscale rental space in town, but one look at the gold leopard granite floor paired with peach-painted walls shows that’s a downright fib.

The only guard on duty leans back in his chair and sucks down a Sonic Route 44 Coke like his life depends on it. I wave as I pass the security desk, wearing a megawatt smile and fully confident in the strength of my lavender-scented Lavanila deodorant—vegan, of course. Deputy Dawg gives me his usual perv stare before returning to the comic book balanced on his knee.

Centex Therapy, LPC occupies most of the first floor office space. A small bell tinkles when I open the frosted glass door. What decorum the overall building lacks, the waiting room has in spades. Brown leather chairs sit on a bamboo rug and pastel paintings from local artists brighten the walls. A tall grandfather clock in the corner softly chimes four times. This late on a Friday means the room is empty of other patients. Perfect.

Jane, the receptionist, fans herself with a copy of Country Living. “Cutting it awfully close, Gracie. Go on in.”

Dr. McDozzle gives me a pained smile as I enter the room.

“Good afternoon, Miss Mason. Have a seat.” For a head shrinker, he’s incredibly formal. And a non-Texan, who hates football and sweet tea. I haven’t learned much more about him in the last month, but that’s enough to get him tarred and feathered if word got out.

The leather recliner squeaks when I sit down. “Thanks for seeing me on a Friday, Doc.” I twirl a strand of newly highlighted platinum hair around my finger. It goes wonderful with my bubblegum pink manicure. “Mr. Anderson, Daddy’s new lawyer, is now insisting I have two sessions a month with you. Of course, Mama’s lawyer says once a month is just fine, seeing how I’m such a well-adjusted high school senior and all. Almost a senior, I guess, since school’s not started.”

Dr. McDozzle straightens his glasses. “Yes, well, your parents do seem to have quite the barrage of attorneys involved in their divorce. Have you worked on the homework I gave you during our last session?”

This is such a waste of time. My parents have spent the last five years embroiled in a divorce dirtier than a greased pig-wrestling contest. Both sides of the family have more money than sense, much to the delight of every lawyer in the tri-county area. Not that I want my parents to get back together. Anytime they’re within spitting distance of each other, the tension between them gives me a migraine. Besides, if they hadn’t split up, I never would’ve met Ben.

Ben’s the son of Daddy’s ex-girlfriend. Until four months ago, they all lived together in Daddy’s condo. Ben is a sophomore at the local college and is truly hot, in a geeky, stud muffin, save-the-world, kinda way. Crushing on my almost stepbrother might seem a bit sketchy, but it’s legal—I Googled it twice.

Which means it’s time to start step one in my Get Ben Plan.

I toss my hair over my shoulder before pulling out a pink glitter notebook from my Eiffel Tower-shaped mini-purse.

“You wanted me to write down my feelings about my parents’ shared custody thing. Honestly, I don’t understand why the lawyers are so panty twisted about me spending a week with Mama and the next with Daddy. It means I get double the wardrobe. Hello? What girl would say no to that? It’s way better than Heather’s situation. I told you about her last time, I think. The girl with the hideous frizzed-out curls but drives a cute BMW Z4 roadster? Anyway, her parents are insane.” I continue a steady stream of babble until Dr. McDozzle’s eyes glaze over.

There’s no clocks in the room, but Dr. McDozzle keeps checking his watch. I’m sure the poor man created a nice therapy plan for me, but I’ve completely derailed it. Mama always says a girl has many tools to choose from in her arsenal—perfectly curled hair, well-placed boobs, and endless chatter are my faves. Besides, Daddy’s been paying therapists a fortune for years to show the divorce court how concerned he is about me. Dr. McDozzle’s earning his car payment today.

Author Bio:

Although not a native Texan, Carla prides herself on having mastered the correct usage of “y’all” and “bless your heart.”

Carla is owned by a persnickety kitty, who rules the computer keyboard and only allows Carla to write when demands for cat treats are met.

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YOUNG ADULT FRIDAYS – Pink Lock Picks and Sequined Witch Hats was originally published on the Wordpress version of SHANNON MUIR'S INFINITE HOUSE OF BOOKS.

[spookys-ventblog]

alright you know im gonna be honest, today fucking sucked. it sucked so badly that I’ve blacked out for the most part and have been slammed on autopilot since shit went down. I haven’t really wanted to talk about it or hear those involved or there talk about it. I don’t want to see statuses, vague posts or side conversations about it. it is personal. but, I have to talk about it and even though I don’t feel 100% safe sharing feelings on this blog, I’m just gonna let myself go and rant.

So, today started when me waking up at 5 in the morning. I felt great. I could not believe it. I was refreshed, I showers and I was in a good mood. I mean, I was majorly anxious because I had to see my therapist, but I get anxious going anywhere so that was normal. Nonetheless, I was feeling OK. 

I go to see my therapist, actually bring up some big issues and badda bing badda boom I find out I have ADHD. I had been told many times in the past to get checked for it or whatever, but even if I tended to agree with what people said, I never believed anyone. I never even believed myself when I did research on the subject even though every list or thing I read about it was 1000000% me and had been since before I can remember. With him telling me this, I now believe it for sure and in the moment it was relief. I finally knew why I couldn’t pay attention, why I got angry when people pushed me out of focus(aka tapping, poking, slapping me trying to get my attention when I am doing something becos i am FINALLY focusing on something and now youve gone and pulled me away from it), why i get so angry in general, my mood swings, my memory problems and tons of other stuff. 

I felt better. I felt like I finally knew what was wrong with me. My therapist said many times that I should not feel bad or weird for having ADHD(he has it as well) and walking out I was confident and happy. I was excited to share that HEY I KNOW WHAT MY DEAL IS!! I KNOW!!! LOOK AT THIS!!! I HAVE ADHD!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I FINALLY KNOW!!! 

to cut things short i let the news out at home and BAM at first it was okay. at first i was like oh, cool, everyone has noticed. guess ive had this from a young age, no matter everything has always been so hard for me. School is a big one, like damn I could not do shit in school. Taking notes was out, paying attention to lessons was out, reading things was out, writing things was out, everything was out. If only I had known sooner maybe school life would have been easier, but back to everything.

Apparently I was a mean little child, which is apparently how people in the house knew I had ADHD and have known for like forever. Now, I knew this. I knew I was a mean, demon of a child, but I had always been told funny stories about me being a misbehaving toddler who liked to hit people. But this, hah well 

No one follows this blog and if anyone lurks on it, Im sure you know that I love calling myself a terrible person. I love to sit here and remember every terrible thing ive done. people ive been mean to, people ive bullied, people ive left heart broken and people ive broken in general. ive done so many things i regret, so many things that eat away at me becos i just want to be cool and not a target(all of this made me a target anyways). This fucked me up even more.

The fact is that she would not stop about it. She would not stop about how terrible i was. How badly i picked on the other kids. How evil I was. Now, I came home to share the news of relief and knowledge and when I was told that you knew, I expected you to have noticed that I couldn’t pay attention or my memory or how I fidget or zone out. No, you held onto this thing. You held so tightly onto it.

Like, I was warned I guess beforehand, but I trust you. Trusted you. And, i do that often. I do that all the time. Maybe i trust too much. Thats just who I am. Thats why I get hurt. Thats how I got abandonment issues. Thats why i need constant validation and affection. trust has fucked me over so many times that ive had to pretend NOT to be paranoid. Ive had to pretend not to be afraid to go to bed at night becos maybe in the morning everyone is gonna be gone with all their belongings and just leaving me here by myself. I have nightmares. day dreams. anxiety attacks. Every little angry or annoyed or frustrated voice whether it is aimed at me or not makes my go into a full blown panic becos ON NO IVE DONE IT ITS GONE EVERYONE IS GONNA LEAVE

i have lost my trust in every single thing and person. every single one and im sorry about that. im really sorry i trust no one but its funny becos i do trust you. i trusted you with this information, but you took it as a chance to bring up my childhood, a thing I CANT EVEN REMEMBER as well as a big ol “glad you werent born a boy” which is just lovely. just beautiful.

after a day where you called me by the name i like

after you said you were happy having a boy or a girl

that you were lucky becos you had both

im not angry with you. youre important to me and i dont want anyone talking badly about you. it frustrates me to no end. i dont know why. maybe i want you to seem better than you are or maybe im trying to force myself to forget every little thing. becos thats what ive done my entire life. thats how ive dealt with everything.

but i want my business to be my business. it is mine. i dont want it to be talked about, i dont want to see, hear or talk about it. i want to forget today. i want to forget my therapy appointment. i want to go back to the time where i DIDNT know what was wrong with me and ya know thats shitty, but thats how i work. it was better when i just knew about the anxiety, paranoia and depression. it was so much better becos at least them i was suddenly being talked about as some evil demon who was terrible to people and got into tons of trouble

like i know, okay? sure, i dont remember my childhood hardly, but i know im bad. I know. Ive always knowns and Im constantly reminded. 

and ya know its hurts. it hurts becos im stubborn. it huirts becos i want to be comforted but i dont want it to seem like things get to me. i want people to tell me its okay and that im not terrible and fucking shit. i dont want to seek attention and validation so badly that it LITERALLY hurts. ..i dont want help even tho i know i need it. i want to be stronger and bigger. i want to be tougher and ya know? thats why i was so shitty in school. besides over sexualizing myself to keep people around, i was mean to people becos idk maybe if i was meaner no one would fuck with me. obviously that didnt work and it still doesnt work

but sometimes, especially today, i feel like everyone wants to make me out as some sort of monster. and i am getting very close to just saying; fine, you want a monster? ill give you one

but i wont do that. becos i want to get better and i want to be a good person, even tho i believe it will never ever happen

just.....why did you have to demonize me when i was obviously so happy to know what was wrong with me? i was excited to tell you that i have this thing that explains my quirks...

this is honestly why i never tell anyone anything. interests, feelings, the things im still hiding from everyone...every time a open my mouth about myself it feels like no one cares, no one hears, no ones interested and if they are its usually to tear me down. its always to tear me down