#ANYWAY THIS IS NOT TO SAY teen pregnancy is a personal moral failing or anything. im just really not sure A Teenager is truly ready for tha

[the-meme-monarch]

"if shermie is the baby in A Tale Of Two Stans then according to The Rest of the timeline he would've been a teen parent, and then dipper and mabel's parents would've been also, which would be kinda fucked up" I mean yeah alright. my mom had my brother when she was 17 and his dad was 16. I'm not saying it's a Great or even a particularly good thing but it does happen. the pines family is already so fucked up let's just add teen pregnancies to the mix. dipper and mabel's parents are getting divorced like canonically. their divorce is what kicks off the show

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

What do you think about HEAS?

Long story short, I support it.

So anon is referring to the "health at every size" movement, or the movement spurred by many fat people claiming that the majority of their health problems stem from doctors failing to treat them properly because they assume, at a glance, that they have a plethora of health problems based on their weight. So they fail to run proper tests, often costing fat patients years of wasted time that would have made a massive difference in health outcomes.

I have seen this happen. I know that fat people are not making it up when they say they experience this. I have a close friend who got fat in early childhood. This person did not eat significantly more than I did, and in fact, their mom was a hippie who introduced all different kinds of vegetables, vitamins, etc and eschewed all inorganic treats. As for me, I grew up with two parents who worked full-time and had gotten their nutritional information in the 70's, so I grew up on Kid Cuisine, McDonald's, and wonder bread. By looking at us, though, people would have assumed the opposite, because I was much thinner.

I saw this friend subjected to fat camp when we were in our teens, and taught to starve and over-exert themselves in ways that had lasting mental and physical health consequences. They developed anorexia and nearly fainted every time they stood up, but people praised them for this behavior because all they saw was weight loss, which they assumed was a sign of improved health. This same friend experienced a lifetime of medical abuse too lengthy to document here, and I suppose that's their story to tell anyway. However, one event that sticks out in my mind was when they developed gallstones. They experienced severe stomach pains after they ate anything, and this went on for a period of several months. Doctors kept telling them to eat less fatty foods, assuming that must have been what made up their diet. However, it was quite the opposite. Because their stomach pain had gotten so bad, they were only nibbling apple slices and saltines each day. As it turned out, they suffered months of gallstones before the problem was finally diagnosed.

Because health is complicated, there's no way to do a side-by-side comparison between mine and my friend's. But I know theirs would have been much better if they had been allowed to live fat in peace, and taken seriously by medical professionals.

The "health at every size" movement posits that people can experience their peak health at, well, every size, and that restricting down to a conventionally acceptable size is actually more harmful to the body than just letting them live. Now, there are a lot of complicated factors that go into size and health outcomes, but among them are frequently genetics, as well as inherited trauma, environmental and socioeconomic factors. (So, for example, there's the idea that if your ancestors experienced starvation, your body may resist losing weight.) None of this is straightforward. As I said, body outcomes are influenced by a number of factors.

But embracing health at every size could help a lot of fat people, which is important - and it could help thin people too, I believe. It could help everyone. A lot less eating disorders would form if we were all able to let go of the societal fear "but what if I get fat?" The truth is that bodies change naturally through life - puberty, for example, and then adulthood, menopause, pregnancy, the stress of a health crisis, a new medication, et cetera. We cannot retain a certain "look" forever. We remain in flux always. And there is no morality in gaining weight or changing shape during many of these life events. We often do a lot more health damage to ourselves trying to retain thinness than we would just eating intuitively and letting our bodies grow as they will.

But I feel there's something else that's important to mention in all this. Illness strikes many people in invisible ways, and there is no morality in experiencing illness either. I am a chronically ill person who isn't fat. If I got fat, my illness still would have nothing to do with my weight, though of course then everyone would assume that it did. The truth is, there are a lot of people who are not at their peak health, both fat and thin, and all of these individuals deserve respect, support, and to have their individual health needs taken seriously. It's very harmful to assume that all health problems are caused by somebody's weight.

Look, I'm not a doctor. But neither are most of the fatphobic people who claim feelings of superiority for their thinness. I think that a lot of ED sufferers would benefit from being able to let go of the fear that fatness inspires in them, and I think there are a lot of fat people that would be healthier at their resting weight than if they were pushed to restrict.

So yeah, I support health at every size. But I'm also supportive of providing respectful care for people who are not in good health.

[gracie7209]

Writer Wednesday

Frankie Morales x F!Reader

Word Count: 4500

Rating: Teen For now, but Explicit for future. No Minors 🔞

This is the literally the first thing I’ve ever written and I’m really nervous about posting. But I figured this would be a good way to throw myself into the world of content creation!

This scene is from a WIP I’m working on titled ‘Amaryllis’ that started as a Waitress AU, but quickly spiraled into something completely different.

No warnings really…. Cursing, pregnancy, eating, mental health and anxiety… Idk again, I’m very new so go easy on me if I mess it up terribly. Allusions to Tom being a dick, but that should be a standard. Watch me point out my complete lack of knowledge pertaining to cars etc All mistakes are my own, I didn’t get this looked at, but @just-here-for-the-moment this is from the same WIP as the little snippet I sent you :)

@autumnleaves1991-blog @clydesducktape

Any feedback is appreciated!! Also, the spacing is ridiculous, I just pasted from a Google doc, so still learning there too!!

Your husband knows that you go see your mother in the City every Wednesday… You go and spend the day taking her around to do her shopping, Doctor appointments etc and you have to go see your OBGYN once a month anyway, so it all works out. You started getting pretty bad anxiety within the last couple of years or so… Your “arrangement” taking its toll, but Tom would never let you see a counselor or therapist because he fears what you would tell them. Even though revealing the inner workings of your life would put at risk the one person you were doing this all for in the first place… So you avoid the conversation and go every week just to get some things off of your chest, since you would have no one else to talk to otherwise.

Today, you go for your regularly scheduled appointment. 9:30 am every week without fail. As soon as you walk in you see a familiar face, currently nose deep in a magazine. You keep walking forward and take a seat. You open your book and try not to make it obvious that you’re hiding your face. Tom isn’t aware of these appointments, which is why you felt safe having them at all since they took place over an hour out of town, in the City. You’ve been coming regularly and never once has there been an issue with seeing someone either you or Tom know. Until today…. Today, Tom’s friend Frankie is sitting in the waiting area, left foot resting on his right knee, thumbing through the pages of the standard medical magazine set out for patients' to help pass the time. So far, he has yet to notice you. You let out a breath and continue flipping through the pages of your book.

Apparently Frankie is early to his appointment, because even though he was here well before you, your name is called loud and clear. Of course, Frankie hears your last name and he looks up at you then. He just smiles and waves a friendly hello… The world doesn’t combust at him seeing you…. So you wave back a little awkwardly and make your way to the nurse waiting at the door to take you back for your appointment.

The hour is over way too soon and when you walk out, thankfully the waiting area is empty of Frankie. So you quickly make your way to your car and head to see your mother and carry on with your Wednesday routine.

You’re hoping that there would be no reason for Frankie to bring it up to Tom… Like ‘hey man, saw your wife today at the therapist’s office…..” etc etc… there would be no reason to, so you let it go. Thankfully, Tom never says anything (you know he would if he knew) so you go about the rest of your week as normal.

Next week rolls around and you show up extra early for your appointment, hoping like hell that you would be called before Frankie even showed up. If he showed up at all.. There was no reason to believe that he had a regular schedule like yours. It was just a one off and you needed to stop worrying about it. And you did… That is until Frankie walks out of the doors as he was finished with his own appointment.. How had you never seen him here before when you’d been coming for so long?

Frankie spots you this time and walks over to you slowly to say hello…. “You’re Tom’s wife right?” You nod quietly. “I thought that was you last week, but I wasn't sure. I’d never seen you in here before, but my appointment last week got pushed back an hour… So I guess I normally wouldn’t have.” So that explains it. And you just had to show up 45 minutes early to your own appointment this time to avoid him, and instead end up doing the opposite.

You still haven’t said anything so the silence quickly becomes awkward… “Well it was good seeing you. Tell Tom I said ‘hey.’” And with that, he leaves you to stare blankly at his back as he leaves the office.

Next week you go to your appointment at the normal time… He said it himself that his regular appointment was earlier than yours, so you just needed to go like you normally would and everything would be fine… And you’re right. You go in and he’s not there. You get called back and go into your appointment, breathing a quick sigh of relief.

When your hour is up, you walk out and he’s still not there. Again, you let go of the breath you hadn’t realized you were holding, and make your way to your car with a smile on your face.

The air is cool and the sun is shining when you exit the building and you are ready to take on the rest of the day… Refreshed that your anxiety was unnecessary only to curse the ground at your misfortune because apparently the universe hated you and enjoyed your misery…..

You walk up to the car only to see your front Driver’s side tire is flatter than a pancake. “Shit,” you let word escape your lips quietly--shaking your head as you think about your options:

Option #1: Change the tire…. This would be great if you had any knowledge whatsoever on HOW to change a tire….

Option #2: Call Tom -- Well if you called him, he would want to know why you were parked at the Doctor’s office, without your mother, and you weren’t about to go that route….

So now for Option #3: Do nothing. You look out and continue to ponder your poor options when you notice a little diner across the street. You decide to just take a breath and grab a coffee and maybe a sandwich while you figure things out. You call your mom to let her know; she doesn't own a vehicle which is why you made the weekly trip up here. Fortunately she was still stocked up on food and she didn’t see the Dr. Until next week.

You walk over to the diner and honestly you think the city is beautiful… all of the buildings, nothing like in your town. Everything was so big and open.. You missed it a lot….

When you go in, the door has a little bell that dings signaling a new customer. You go to the front and wait to be seated. You just want a few minutes of quiet so you ask for the secluded booth over in the corner. Perfect. You sit and order a coffee with cream and sugar and pick up a menu and attempt to let your mind relax.

The funny thing about anxiety is that letting your mind relax is the equivalent of asking a toddler to sit still…. They may WANT to, but their little bodies just have so much pent up energy that despite your effort they HAVE to move… Your anxious thoughts immediately take over…. ‘How am I going to get this settled without letting Tom know?’ ‘I wonder what would happen if I just stayed here… Forever?’ ‘No, no, can’t do that’

‘I really like this mug’ ‘Do I want a sandwich? Or maybe some soup?’

‘Hmm, the guy at the counter has a pretty nice back… Brown jacket snug and jeans faded, but well fitting. Dark brown curls peeking out from underneath his ball cap… Oh my God! That’s Frankie!!’

You curse to yourself, which apparently wasn’t really to yourself, when your very audible gasp is heard across the room, to which said object of your attention turns and immediately lays eyes on you. His face actually seems to light up… You wonder why that is? You also notice how flush you suddenly feel for shamelessly admiring his back side, not knowing at all who it was as if he could hear your thoughts.

He’s making his way over and lucky you, you’re cornered in your little secluded booth… ‘Breathe…. Breathe…’ you tell yourself until you hear “Hey there!” Frankie is upbeat and to anyone else looking, you two have known each other for years. “Hi Frankie,” you say softly.

“Funny seeing you here… if you weren’t married to Tom, I’d think I had a stalker,” he says in a joyful tone, but the wild deer caught in headlights look on your face has him apologizing almost immediately. “I’m just kidding… Promise! —But I will say, I’ve run into you the last three weeks in a row now…” He’s looking at you with a question on his tongue, but he won’t ask it. So you answer for him. “My mother lives here in the City. I help take her around on Wednesdays.”

“Must’ve just missed each other before then.” He smiles before saying “well it was good seeing you. Have a good rest of your day.” He goes to leave and you suddenly remember your current dilemma with your car…”Wait, Frankie?” He turns to you, a visible look of confusion on his face, “actually, I’ve run into some trouble with my car. The tire is flat. Is there um, any way you could help me figure out how to get it home?”

It takes him a moment to respond… like his gears are turning, but he finally answers you, “oh, uh yeah!” I’d be happy to.”

‘God you sound like an idiot,’ Frankie chastises himself.. ‘Why are you making this awkward?’ ‘Well, she’s beautiful, you dumbass, and you’re awkward in general’ -- His running commentary matches your own, unbeknownst to you.

“Ok, uh, where are you parked?” Frankie tries to curb his thoughts by just addressing the task at hand.

“Across the street…” You point in the general direction of the office building, “at Dr. Pomater’s office.”

“Oh, that’s right. I usually come over here for a late breakfast after my appointment.” -- Frankie is annoyed at himself, ‘she doesn’t care, she just needs your help.’

‘Also food… She just got here, there’s no way she’s already eaten..’

“Did you want to eat first? I noticed you only have a coffee..”

“Oh, I uh, well yes. I guess I haven't gotten the chance to order yet.” --Frankie thinks your light accent is endearing. It’s not super thick or put on, but almost makes you sound elegant, which he would argue matches you pretty well.

“But you’ve already eaten, I’d hate to keep you any longer than necessary. I can just eat when I get back home.” Your stomach chooses that exact moment to growl, like the traitor it is…. Frankie notices.

“Nah, I don’t mind. I’m off on Wednesdays so I’m free. I actually could go for another cup of coffee, if you don’t mind the company.”

You smile slightly at that and say “Ok, well would you like to sit? I will try to order and finish quickly.”

“There’s really no rush, go ahead and take your time and we can talk about our options for getting you back up and running.”

You both sit in your booth across from each other… You’re going to order the soup and turkey sandwich combo…

---You sneak a peek over the top of your menu before the waitress comes back over - Frankie is looking down at his own menu… He’s wearing a light gray t-shirt, the material thin, but not worn. He’s got his jacket on as he was about to leave before your squeak of surprise at seeing him alerted him of your presence. One thing you hadn’t noticed about him before are the thick rimmed black glasses he was wearing now. Had he been wearing those before? After a moment you notice he takes them off and puts them in his inner jacket pocket and sets down his menu. So just reading glasses then, you suppose… You think to yourself how they give him a very boyish quality that makes you smile to yourself, and you definitely shouldn’t be noticing this, so you look back down at your menu.

The waitress makes her way to you and takes your order. Frankie orders his coffee with cream and sugar… Hmm… You think how Tom would never drink anything unless it resembled something akin to freshly laid tarmac, claiming it “separated the men from the boys” or some other ridiculous admonition.

You notice Frankie looking at you and shit, did he ask me something?

“Hmm?”

He smiles slightly at that and you notice a dimple in his right cheek… again, noticing things you shouldn’t…. His chuckle breaks you out of your head yet again as he says “I was just wondering where Tom was today?”

“Oh, Tom is uh..” your frustration at the question prevents you from answering right away. This was the entire reasoning for your anxiety toward Frankie seeing you…. You couldn’t afford for Tom to find out about these appointments and put a stop to them. The small amount of peace of mind it provides you with, gets you through the week and you’re just not ready to lose that yet…

“Um, well Tom he uh, usually works on Wednesdays… shows his houses.”

—His brow furrows slightly like he can sense your hesitation, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Gotcha, yeah I haven’t seen him since that fight night awhile back….” The night he met you he reminds himself. “That was a fun night.”

—Your stomach clenches at the memory of Tom on that night, but you’ve gotten good at hiding your disgust by now, “yeah — Um so is there an auto repair place nearby or…? I honestly know nothing about cars,” you laugh nervously, hoping he doesn’t notice your obvious shift in conversation away from Tom.

Your waitress then makes her way back over with your food and Frankie’s coffee. He takes a long sip and you start in on your potato soup.

—“Do you have a spare? I’ve got my jack in the truck. I can just change it for you.”

You feel like an idiot, but answer honestly, “I really don’t know. I’m sorry.” You laugh at yourself and Frankie chuckles. He’s not making fun of you, but he thinks it adds to your charm.

He chuckles again and shakes his head a little, like he’s shrugging off a thought…

—‘This is Tom’s wife man, get a hold of yourself..’

He continues to shake the thought from his mind and moves on — “What kind of car do you have?”

‘Real smooth’ —

“Oh, it’s a… I think it’s a Pontiac?”

“Ok, good. Those usually have the spare hidden in the tire well like most then.”

—Your blank stare makes him cough and regroup, “I mean that there are some that have them underneath, but most sedans have them in the trunk.” Still nothing — You would be embarrassed, but you were genuinely just confused. Tom ensured that you were only knowledgeable in things meant to be handled by women like cooking and cleaning house. “Let the men handle things sweetie,” Tom would say when it came to anything to do with cars or repairs etc.

“It’s ok,” he chuckles again, but it doesn’t have the condescension attached to it that you’d come to expect from Tom. You think to yourself that it’s a nice sound coming from Frankie.

“I think I know where to find it and how to get you going again.” He smiles at you again and you say a quiet “thank you” as you go to finish the remainder of your sandwich in a comfortable silence.

Frankie is looking out the window now…The view from the diner overlooks a little park and you think the colored leaves against the still green grass is beautiful… Fall has always been your favorite season and you thank the Lord that the majority of your pregnancy will be in the cooler months.

After a bit, your waitress walks over and asks “is there anything else I can get y’all today?”

“No thank you,” you and Frankie both say at the same time, pulling another light chuckle out of Frankie and a smile from the waitress. She finishes writing out your check then puts it face down on the table and scoots the paper toward Frankie.

You both reach for it at the same time again and while his gets to it first, you go in and lightly swat at his hand saying “no sir….” And you wiggle a finger at him. “You’re already fixing my car…. The least I could do is pay for your coffee.”

He tries to come up with some quip to keep the lightness going but falls short and just puts up his hands in a mock surrender. Broken pride and all — he’s not upset; far from it actually, but he can’t help the small pout that makes him look offended… the sly look in his eyes tells you he’s only playing though, and you lift your chin in triumph at your little win.

It takes him a moment to remember that this is a completely abnormal situation whereas he is with his friend’s — No not his actual friend - his mentor maybe? He doesn’t really know what Tom is to him anymore. All he knows is that this is Tom’s wife and you guys just had coffee and he is going to help you get your car running.

Frankie’s thoughts are interrupted when you stand up and say “come on, follow me.” He trails behind you - the awkwardness coming back slightly.

You pay the bill and walk toward the exit. Frankie follows and you both head outside into the crisp Fall air. You start to walk toward your car that’s parked across the street when Frankie stops you —

“Uh, my truck is uh over here. We can just drive over if you’d like?”

“Ok,” is all you say. Why is this so awkward? You already find yourself missing the ease of the diner.

He is just a friend of Tom’s helping you get to your car… Nothing to worry about.

Frankie’s truck is kind of what you’d expect — it’s an older looking truck. You have no idea of the model, just that it’s aged. -Brown with tan lines down the sides — almost matching his jacket. The inside is clean, but the interior is worn.. it smells of gas and oil, with a little hint of vanilla from the little tree air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. When you first opened the passenger door, there was a horrible creaky sound that you were well used to. Your Papá used to have a truck similar to this and the thought makes you smile.

“She’s older, but she treats me right,” Frankie says warmly. His adoration for the truck is evident in his tone. His hand worries at his scruffy chin and he asks “ready to go?” You quickly nod and close your door.

The drive to your car is short — Neither of you say anything other than an “over there” as you point to which car is yours.

So when Frankie asks you if you’ve called Tom yet you jump… unsure if it’s an accusation or just from the question as a whole.

“No, I didn’t want to bother him. He’s usually very busy.” Frankie huffs at that.

“What?” You ask him. He almost seemed annoyed.

“It shouldn’t bother him to hear from his wife when she has a problem. I’d hope he would want to make sure you’re ok. Make sure you get home safely.”

You don’t really know what to say to that. Tom was never like that with you for obvious reasons , but Frankie wouldn’t know that.

“Well — Ok, so you see…” you sigh… there was no other way to do this. Unless you said otherwise, there was no way this wouldn’t get brought up to Tom. Not about the car, but the where. You wanted to be honest. You wanted to be able to talk with someone about your situation, but you couldn’t. Not about everything anyway. Not yet.

“Look, can I say something without judgement and without this getting back to Tom?” He nods. The confusion is clear on his face… “Would it be ok if this just stayed between us?” You motion between the two of you. “About the Doctor I mean..?” He’s still looking confused. Similar to when he was talking to you about cars.

“Tom doesn’t know that I see Dr. Pomater. He’s never believed in Therapy and thinks it’s a waste of time and money,” -- ‘among other things’ you think to yourself.

“He wouldn’t be happy to know that I’ve been seeing one. But to me, just having someone to talk to that is unbiased and non-judgemental? It helps me feel better.” You know you sound childish, but it’s the truth and Frankie holds all the cards here.

After a moment you hear Frankie respond. “So he just thinks you’re taking care of your mother on Wednesdays?” He looks up at you at the question.

“I do take care of my mother.. She doesn’t speak English well and she doesn’t own a vehicle, so she needs assistance getting groceries and getting to and from Doctor’s appointments. It also allows me to spend more time with her since I moved out of the city.”

Frankie nods — He seems to be processing.

“So, Tom doesn’t like the thought of a therapist, or he won’t let you have one?”

“I, um… I..” you trail off. You look down, breathe in then out through your nose. You look back up at him and - he must know how Tom is… “Tom, he… No.” You leave it at that.

You look away and start unbuckling your seatbelt… — Frankie says your name and you turn back to him to see this look…. It’s a mesh of worry and concern, but also something else you can’t put a name to. His lips are parted like he just paused mid-sentence — “Does Tom…? I mean — Tom has never really told any of us much about you. Is he, uh, is he ok? To you?”

You’re not liking where this is heading.. Franki continues…

“When we were in the service he was my Team Lead and I’ve always respected him for his position. We’ve all managed to keep in touch for the sake of all the shit we’ve been through together. But through all of it, we didn’t even know you existed until a couple of years ago…”

Shaking his head again, he starts.. “To say we were shocked to learn that he had a wife - was a fucking understatement.”

“Where are you going with this Frankie?”

Upon hearing his name, he stops and looks at you…. “How did you and Tom meet?”

—“We met at the grocery store. He was in line behind me and my mother.”

“When did you get married? He never told us anything until about 2 years ago… during our last deployment—“

“Um, 6 uh maybe 7 years ago? In March.” Nope no this is not good……

“How old are you?” He says your name at this to really stick the question….

“Twe twenty-five… I’m twenty-five.”

“So you were 18 when you got married? How long did you know each other before that?” He is almost accusatory in his questioning and you’re unsure of where all of this emotion is coming from.

“Frankie, these are very personal questions… Why do you need to know this?”

“Sorry — I’m sorry. It was inappropriate to ask you those questions. I just don’t understand him sometimes. You think you know a lot about a person when you work side by side with them in life or death situations like we did, but turns out I don’t know much about him at all. I’m sorry…

You dislike the look on his face… the despair of a situation you know absolutely nothing about is clear, so you try to lighten the mood…

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know much about him either…”

You get a small chuckle at that so you take it as a win.

After another minute or two of semi-awkward silence, Frankie moves to get out of the truck.. “Well let’s see what we’re working with here.”

He grabs his jack out of the back of the truck and makes his way over to your car. You pop the button to the trunk and he easily finds your spare. He goes back to the bed of his truck and looks around for a moment and comes back with this X looking tool. You can tell he’s done this before many times and you flush at how ignorant you must’ve sounded to him… shaking your head, you just let it go… You don’t feel like Frankie is judging you for what you lack in tire changing etiquette, so you turn and watch him to see if you could maybe even learn a few things.

Frankie takes off his jacket after he gets the car partially up off the ground — taking the X tool and beginning to remove the bolts from the hubcap.

He’s so quick and efficient, he makes it look easy. As Frankie is crouched down, you notice a little bit of sweat at the small of his back that’s dampened his thin t-shirt slightly.. You also notice that the material hugs his torso and makes a show of the muscles in his back and shoulders as he keeps himself steady. The muscles in his arms flexing as he grunts slightly with the exertion to loosen the bolts… it’s got to be the hormones that are making you focus on the entirely wrong thing.

You need to look away… so you try to find something else to focus on while he finishes..

Blue sky, birds, leaves, trees, ummm more trees, uh, people walking their dogs, a mother pushing a stroller…. Cars… a blue car, a red car, a gold car…..

‘This is ridiculous’ you think to yourself. ‘You’re a grown woman and you can handle this.’

You turn back around, just as Frankie is standing up. The tire is on and he’s wiping his hands off on his jeans. “I think we got it all done.”

“Thank you so much Frankie.

Really, I truly appreciate it.”

“You're welcome,” he smiles back at you.

“How can I repay you?”

“You bought me coffee, remember? We’re even.”

“No seriously, coffee doesn’t count.”

“Ok fine, how about you pay me back with a second coffee next week? And maybe a donut?”

You tense slightly at the thought because you know how that looks…. But you shake the thought away because you should be allowed to have a friend. And coffee with a friend should be ok. Right??

TBC

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #425

“evolution repressed by our backwards contest  /  breeding our torrential demise as we come to this edge”

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? I think Nutella is a godsend, but I use peanut butter waaaaay more often. We don't even really buy Nutella because I will destroy the jar. Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Baked. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn. I think. Do you like breadsticks? I just like bread, man. What are your favorite things to spend money on? Tattoos, uuuuugggghhhhh <3 Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Neither, really. Most puppies drive me insane (even though they're cute as everliving fuck), and I don't want another cat. Mom actually talked about getting another, but I really just want my one boy. Roman would get SO jealous, anyway. I enjoy just having my baby. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26. Yikes. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? As "the fat one," I can be sometimes. I would say though that more often than not, it's sort of whatever to me because I'm a human that has to eat. When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts? I thought I slept way later than I actually did. What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody? My stuffed meerkat Rebel. Jason got it for me for my first birthday that we were together. Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic? Never again. I was once able to think "agree to disagree," but sometimes by doing so, you're siding with evil by not enforcing what is more than just a belief. It should come with being a human. Also given my own sexuality, it would be a slap in the face to me. Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one? Hell no. I'd date one though, if they were modest about their position. Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried? Wow, no. Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence? Quite frankly, nowadays, my appearance. I need it. My self-confidence is so far below "shit." Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? Nope. You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why? Hm. I know I talk about it a lot, but it would still probably be a 40 gallon terrarium for Venus. She needs - and deserves - it. Honestly, have you ever danced naked? NOOOOOOOO. What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? Downloaded music. My mom eventually found out, but didn't care much. What is the home page on the computer you’re on? Google. Do you like to write poetry? I do, but I haven't done it in a while. :/ Are your ears pierced? Yes. If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle? Piercing gun. Which, by the way, do not do. There are many more risks with a piercing gun versus a needle by a professional. Do you wear makeup regularly? I never do. Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? No. I've been on a bagel kick lately. When was the last time you tripped over something? Last night, actually. The rug in the living room was slightly turned up, and I tripped in the dark. I didn't actually fall, thankfully. Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies? I'm diagnosed with OCD. I experience more ruminations and intrusive thoughts more than obsessive behaviors, though. Who was the last person you yelled at? Probably Mom. Why did you yell at them? I don't remember. Favorite type of apple? I like pink lady apples. I really enjoy any, so long as they're crisp. Ever seen live horse racing? No. To be totally honest, I don't really like the concept of it. Motivating a horse to run by hurting it doesn't exactly seem moral... How about live greyhound racing? No. What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without? The Internet, haha. Have you ever touched a giraffe? No. What does your mom call you? Britt. What stresses you out the most in life? I really don't think I could pick a top one. There are so many. Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite? Yeah. Y'all probably know WoW is my favorite. If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero? I used to be able to slam out Expert easily with only very few songs I had to play on Hard, but now it's been YEARS. I've played less than once in a blue moon, and my skill's definitely faded some. It really depends on the song. What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend? He couldn't handle my depression anymore. What’s your favorite country song? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw, probably. What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you? Fail to communicate what he was feeling with me and then make a dashing break for it very, very abruptly after three and a half years. It put me past a state of shock, but trauma with how no less than obsessed I was with him. What were you for Halloween last year? I didn't dress up. :/ I wish I had the money and motivation alike to. Are you feeling guilty for something? I always will. Are you usually quiet or loud? Quiet. How many hours do you spend on the computer a day? Like... uh... all of them, oof. What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? Meerkat Manor. Do your siblings text you? Not really. Do you want a small or big wedding? Small. Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth? Not the house I currently live in, but I have before. Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No. Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you? Frankly, no. Do you own your own computer? This laptop, anyway. Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? Yes, with my younger sister as a kid and pre-teen. What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment? I hear the video I'm watching, as well as my fan. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yes. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? Nothing. Not like that's a surprise. What do you typically order from Wendy’s? Son of the Baconator. @_@ Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? No. Those are so awkward to me. What do you love most about yourself? I don't know these days. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? No. What are you doing right now? This survey and re-watching John Wolfe play Outlast 2. What’s bothering you right now? I'm immensely nervous about tomorrow. I have my first (and I pray the fuck to God not only) session with my new personal trainer then, and I'm terrified by how my body and my mental fortitude is going to react. Y'all have no fucking idea JUST how out of shape I am, and the muscles in my legs seem basically non-existent by now. I have to do something about my health, though, and I'm determined to make this shit work. More than determined. I know the first day is going to be hard, but I need to do this more than I can explain. What was the last thing you drank? ... What great fucking timing, I have a can of Mountain Dew, lol... That's another thing that needs to change. I've gotta stop the emotional and boredom-eating and chill the fuck out with soda. Be honest, do you like people in general? Quite frankly, no. There are plenty of people I love and think are amazing, of course, but I think I lean towards humanity being too shitty to like "in general." Do you want your tongue pierced? I miss my snake eyes. :/ That was suuuuch a cute piercing. I just had to take it out for the safety of my teeth. I kept accidentally clamping down on one of the balls when eating, and it would cause tiny fractures. Do you change your phone background a lot? No. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? It's not funny-sounding, no, I just think it's too manly for me to enjoy as part of my name. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? Yes. Oddly enough, I don't remember what I OD'd on now... You'd think I would, given how extreme the situation was. It was some cold medicine. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I absolutely do. It's extremely insensitive to people like myself who legitimately suffer - and I do mean "suffer" - from the disorder. Describe your day so far in three words: Dull. Lazy. Anxious. What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? Probably my senior project and the presentation I had to do for it. I taught about the fallacies and misconceptions of snakes, and I made a PowerPoint and some drawings to color and crosswords for the special ed children. I was so, so very nervous, but I got through it fine and the kids seemed to enjoy it. I actually still have the recording. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: MILKY WAY. FUCK I love those. Have you ever stepped in dog poop? UGH yes. What was the last thing you spent money on? My niece's birthday present. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Is there a guy that knows a lot about you? I almost said "yes," but then I realized he doesn't know me at all anymore. I've changed so much, hopefully mostly for the better. He hasn't "known" me in many years. Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without? It's terrifying to imagine my life without Mom; Sara, too. Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee? I prefer no coffee. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have somewhere to sit that's not the ground, yes. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Sometimes. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? They're pretty, but I don't support their usage by this point in my life. They're a fire hazard, triggering to some vets with PTSD, and beyond terrifying for animals. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? I get most heated about child molestation. You do not fucking touch a child like that. I don't even write any of my bajillion evil guys committing it in RP because I just can't stomach it. Even when my little sister (a children's social worker) is telling Mom about some stuff she sees at work, I have to not be present, 'cuz that shit isn't rare. It's nauseating. Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? A good number of people, honestly. Do you enjoy tanning? Hell no, I avoid the sun and heat at like all costs. Are you a virgin? This is going to sound weird, but I actually don't know, but I lean towards no. Who’s your celebrity crush? mARK EDWARD FISCHFUCK Did or do you get good grades in English class? I was always excellent in English. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? My stomach. But I'm self-conscious about everything else, too. Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner? No. Everyone knows I can't cook worth a damn. Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Truly close, no. Unless you include pets, actually. Then a few. :/ Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Yep. When was the last time you got a shot? Earlier this year for Covid. Get your fucking vaccine, btw. :^)

[punkscowardschampions]

Junior & Nancy

Gay nerds

Junior: Nance, how on earth are you tackling this art project? To say I'm discombobulated is an understatement that isn't getting me an A any time soon! Nancy: 😕 sums it up in a way. Obviously I can fall back on the twin thing but is that too safe? 😩 But we couldn't be more different Junior: 😖 Like, I love how vague and open to our own interpretation it is...but also I fucking hate how vague and open to our own interpretation it is! 😢😂 No one would blame you; least of all me, 'cos I was tempted- being the sore thumb I am when counting our ten- and I've not even got the twin angle everyone is so about in all areas of art tbh Junior: If nothing else, Buster is a willing participant in a photo op always? Junior: Ooh, you could get something matchy match from your childhood photos (I know they exist) and splice it with portraits of you now...Think that elevates it Nancy: You've put your finger on it. Nancy: But I don't think you're so right about the lack of blame 🤔 even with the boy/girl straight/gay redhead/brunette angle it still feels ??? Nancy: Basic 😒 Junior: I get you Junior: Meant to become the next Magritte in just 4 weeks, like !!! Junior: Well, I've heard at least 4 girls from class saying they're going to do a heavily made-up portrait next to a #nofilter #naturalbeauty one so Junior: We'll do better than that by default but I'd like to come up with something vaguely original still Junior: Miss' sanity relies on us lowkey, no pressure 😷😜 Nancy: I had that passing thought let it go though 😜 Nancy: You could text her Nancy: 😕 yes pressure Nancy: What to do? Junior: I like to keep it in professional hours Junior: for her sake, she gets a bit amorous when she's had a glass o vino after work Nancy: 😮 she does? Nancy: can I bribe my way to top of the class by raiding the cellar Junior: That was my second suggestion 😏 Junior: Take one for the team please 🙏 Nancy: but she's straight STRAIGHT Nancy: couldn't be enough Nancy: back to the mindmap Junior: Damn straights 😒 Junior: if all else fails, we can put this grade next to our last Junior: break the fourth wall, v meta Nancy: our school gets the one bohemian who is Nancy: put her next to the sterotypical art teacher Junior: did you mean my mother? 🤔 Junior: her, the engineer, hilarious 😂 Junior: Mum'd be up for it, you may borrow her Nancy: I might yet Nancy: when's this due again? Junior: we've still got 3 weeks, don't worry Junior: just trying to get it over and done with here Nancy: I should Nancy: The Tempest essay is due soon Junior: Don't remind me, even the gayness can't make it enjoyable, like many a teen show 🤷 Junior: Could combine? Somehow? Umm Junior: The supernatural characters and the humans...why yes, I am clutching at straws Junior: This term is killing me Nancy: If I'd get away with handing in some shots instead of an essay I would Nancy: not happening Nancy: 😩 Nancy: What ideas have you had? For the juxtaposition...forget the tempest Nancy: burn that Junior: If only, 1000 words=1 photograph, no contest really Junior: again, if only Will had 💀 Junior: The idea I can't get out of my head, even though it has been done to death so is BEYOND basic, is mashing up a classical art piece with something modern and pop culture...to say something about me (eww!) Junior: Tbf, they usually use Renaissance or very very famous art pieces so I could win points by using some relevant surrealism/ going beyond calling Mona Lisa #flawless Junior: Its all I've got Nancy: I think it's good Nancy: Let's both run with overused concepts and make them not basic in our way Nancy: act like we planned it Nancy: nobody has to know we had no other ideas Junior: Absolutely 😎 Junior: Total confidence is key, comes so natural to the both of us, like Junior: I think worrying about being 'original' is the true hack thing to do here anyway 💅 Nancy joined the chat 13 hours ago Nancy: 😖 yes Nancy: stealing that all Nancy: now if you could keep it going and give me some thoughts on shakespeare to plagiarize 😜 Junior: If I could, I would but even SparkNotes isn't helping me Junior: shall we peruse the best film/stage adaptations? maybe tomorrow night if you're free Nancy: I've seen the 2010 version a few times for obvious reasons Nancy: but yeah the others not so much Nancy: we need to do something that isn't me asking my mum for help Junior: Oh, babe 😂 that's the real tragedy here, you doing that to yourself Junior: maybe I'll borrow her and she can do mine for me Junior: still down for a movie night obviously Nancy: 🙉 Nancy: Lead female character Nancy: Shakespeare should've Nancy: Please do take her Nancy: mum swap 😂 Junior: As much as Bill LOVED any excuse for a drag show darling... stick with the evil queens and witches 😘 Junior: Let's do this, full family swap! Let them drive you insane for a bit whilst I live the life 😬 Nancy: Switch that around both my parents are so type A Nancy: Plus you've got all the brothers and sisters to dodge behind Nancy: Buster takes more heat off than most but he's still just one boy Junior: well, mine would refuse to be bound to a type, just as annoying I promise Junior: Its true I can mostly fade into obscurity with all their shenanigans, yet it still somehow isn't the case, just 12 nosy people in your business instead of the usual 2, with a disinterested brother flexing off in the background Nancy: 🙈 Nancy: I'm not having kids Nancy: Don't care if the future wife is frantic Junior: It is an issue that divides all of us tbh Junior: I don't think I'd mind one, to put all my efforts into Junior: but unlikely Junior: unless I co-parent from the sidelines with your wife Nancy: weirder scenarios have come about Nancy: I'd prefer a kitten Junior: steal one when you come over Junior: Ma'd probably notice but really, do we need so many? Nancy: Gran's such a dog person can I get through the door Junior: True, true Junior: Always living on such extremes this fam Junior: I don't know 😏 Nancy: look at me and my brother ultimate homo and hetero Nancy: embarrassing Junior: 😂 Junior: I'd love to suggest he doth protest too much but lbr Nancy: dad's never been prouder 😂 no teen pregnancies for his little girl Nancy: shakespeare would write that Junior: Who are we putting our money on to go first Nancy: that's harder than it sounds Junior: Rio is obvious choice but I sometimes think Grace might go insane and come along and take the claim Junior: *Shudders* Nancy: change the subject I beg you Nancy: I'd rather hear about your attempts to avoid your secret admirer who's a girl and hopelessly 💘 Junior: well, I would rather pretend that was not a thing 😬 Junior: as your brother once eloquently put it, when he was very pissed, 'i could clean up and get untold amounts of pussy' Junior: and that's that on that Junior: considering getting a face transplant 'cos my off-putting demeanour is not doing enough 😒 what problems to have, eh? the privilege of it all! 😂 Nancy: maybe we should go under together Nancy: moral support and potential discount Nancy: if I get told I don't look gay one more time I'm returning my badge Junior: well, where is your crewcut and tank top, like? 🤔 Junior: out here confusing the masses like that, idk Nancy: 🙉 Nancy: Not an identical twin playing tricks either how dare I Junior: why can't you just get in your box and like it, god damn it Nance! Nancy: unrelated except about boxes but should I get some new kit for this project or am I just stalling Nancy: a memoir Junior: any excuse 😜 Junior: but yes, do it Junior: i'm using it as excuse to go 'round all the best art galleries in town again so Nancy: Can I tag along Nancy: they're so quiet it's everything Junior: Naturally Junior: We're art students, we've gotta act like it, I'll keep the pretentious commentary to a minimum if you keep the equally as pretentious 'grams down too 😘 Nancy: I'll try Nancy: The feed wants what it wants though Junior: Can't argue, just leave the real money outta the shot Junior: Gotta leave my fangirls wanting more, like 😂 Nancy: That I will promise Nancy: Not trying to be mobbed by straight girls Junior: You mean you resist the lesbian stereotype of LOVING that too?! Nancy: Somehow it's managed Junior: no mean feat, one of the few gays in the village Nancy: Don't clap it's too loud 😂 Junior: *Finger clicks like this a slam poetry night* Nancy: Thank you Nancy: [sends a selection of childhood pictures] how early years can I go before everyone's rolling their eyes Nancy: Thank you too mum for these. Why did you do this to us? 🙈 Junior: Awww what 👼 Junior: This is how I like to remember Buster, before it all went wrong... 😉 Nancy: 👶🥕 Nancy: The glory days Junior: Weren't they just? Junior: At least you didn't have an extra older sister to dress you up, that's worse...the photos I could bring out, good lord 🙄 Nancy: 😜 And I wasn't that sister. You've welcome Buster Nancy: 🍀 Junior: *Whispers* Can we agree he needs SOMEONE to give him a makeover tho Nancy: I volunteer you as tribute Nancy: I've tried Junior: Maybe next family gathering Junior: if he shows Nancy: Bide your time Nancy: birthday present failsafe idea Junior: the amount of birthday celebrations in this fam is unholy Junior: We have a better social life than I would ever wish for, ugh Nancy: don't make me think about it Nancy: I'm sharing and it's made no difference Junior: wouldn't want you to miss out on all that good good attention we all crave 😂 Nancy: 🙈 Junior: Speaking of attention, have you heard the latest gossip that has piqued our peers? Nancy: You tell me Nancy: I can't think of anything off the top of my head Junior: Mark Colm Junior: a massive gay? Junior: I can't make up my mind if they're just hysterical and he's just a bit camp Junior: or there's something in it Nancy: He's one of us Nancy: Definitely crushing on the headboy I've seen him looking Junior: Isn't everyone? Junior: Even the teachers, complete popularity contest got him that position Junior: Interesting, though... Nancy: Besides me in my minority of one Nancy: And Sian would never Junior: Sian Gaffney? She's never gay! Thought you didn't do straight girls, you're reaching there Nancy: 🙉 not her she's dating the oldest Keenan lad Jake? Blake? idk Nancy: She'd love to ride half our class anyway Junior: Ohh you mean Mrs Kelly, duh Junior: yeah she's one of the only decent teachers about, doesn't seem like she goes in for all that popularity politics Nancy: No she doesn't Junior: Seems like a good place to while away a lunchtime Nancy: don't tell everyone how fun it is there'll all wanna join me Nancy: not ready to say goodbye to my happy place Junior: I think your secret is safe from the masses, even if I suddenly got uncharacteristically chatty Junior: Even the ones that don't take the piss and are relatively decent human beings Junior: still rather go get a nandos or whatever it is they do Nancy: Yeah I'm an open book if anyone asks 😂 Nancy: I'll stick with the one stereotype I'm okay with embracing, my eager vegetarianism Nancy: No offence lads Junior: Its all kale and charitable acts with this one Junior: No ulterior motives at all 😏 Nancy: just a rich girl with more wealth than she can give away 😜 Nancy: nothing else to see here Junior: mhmm okay 👌 Junior: we'll pretend I don't know you better than that Nancy: Hey you don't know everything Junior: True Junior: are you in the mood for telling? Junior: 🤔 Nancy: Sometimes Nancy: Can't put it all in my art Junior: not if you don't want Miss to think you're trying to tell her something Junior: flattered but straight, like Nancy: She's not the one Nancy: She'll be flattered to hear Junior: Indeed Nancy: When there is someone it'd be nice to talk about it Nancy: Sometimes like I said Junior: Well, you know where I am Junior: When there is someone Nancy: But I wouldn't know where to start Nancy: I can't put words to it ?? Not the right ones Junior: That's not just you Junior: If I'm to understand all the songs and poetry professing they too have no words Junior: Can but try 🙂 Nancy: Helpful Nancy: What about you? Headboys to one side. Any crushes? Junior: No, no Junior: No point, is there Nancy: Doesn't mean there's a way to stop yourself Nancy: Wish I could just No at myself Junior: I don't know, I don't find it too hard Junior: but you're out so its different Junior: I wouldn't want to go out with anyone...even if Mark is a gay Junior: what would he want with me Nancy: You're a catch Nancy: Out or not he'd be punching above his weight to have you Junior: I don't think there's any point being with someone if you can't be open with it Junior: Being a dirty little secret isn't going to feel good for either party Nancy: For some people it feels worth it Nancy: Just to be with, or around them Junior: Perhaps Junior: Safe to say I don't feel that deeply for any lad here so yeah Junior: keeping on my shelf for now, like Nancy: There's a junxtaposition, us on our respective ledges Nancy: I can't remember what being happily single is like Nancy: Another lesbian stereotype for the list Junior: Don't, how depressing 😂 Junior: I am not about that angsty teen art life Junior: How do we get you a lady? Junior: Do we have to hit the clubs? Nancy: 🙈 Nancy: No no no Nancy: Give that up for a bad job and worse idea Nancy: I'm too picky Junior: You're speaking to me Junior: vowed a celibate here Junior: we can do this for you Nancy: We can't Nancy: Leave me in my rut Junior: Fine fine 😋 Nancy: I'll be in my dark room angsting 😂 Junior: Noted Junior: I'll drag you out for museums and Tempest film marathon tomorrow, yeah? Junior: 'Til then madame Nancy: Looking forward to it Nancy: Stay inspired 💚 Junior: Stay golden 💛

[findingmyami]

The V Word

No, not vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina. Although I’m a big fan of people who have them.

The cringe inducing word to which I’m referring is “vegan”. It conjures a rather disagreeable image for many. Much like an alcoholic is imagined to be a homeless person with a paper bag, vegans are often thought of as waif like creatures with a distinctly crunchy style and earthy smell. They are weak, certainly not athletes, and they are proselytizers, not people one would desire to engage in conversation.

Now, I don’t know that I am the candidate to dispel this precise image. I have hippie genes coursing through my DNA and I get rather preachy when I’m feeling manic. Overall, though, I’m just a person trying to make the best life choices I can for myself and my family. As with other struggles I’ve overcome in my life, I do believe that my story can benefit others, though your decision to trudge the same path does not inhibit me in my own health journey. I will, as always, continue to do what I do, and help anyone who asks for my help. I have found that attempting to help people who don’t want my assistance leads to resentment and heartache and immeasurable, unnecessarily expended energy. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So if you care to know, this is my story, as it pertains to food and my health.

My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. My father was an alcoholic in the throes of a disease that told him to throw his family aside for the sake of the disease’s survival. Until his death at 51 (I was 19), I watched his weight climb and overall health decline sharply as he was unable to maintain any sort of routine sleep schedule or balanced diet, due to his workaholism and of course, alcoholism. He was a man with a brilliant mind, beautiful heart, and a sense of humor that could disarm the coldest individual. He was, however, trapped in a body that deprived him of a full life and robbed him of watching his children flourish, or meeting his grandchildren. I could say he was a great example of how not to live, but choice has nothing to do with my father’s life. Genetic predisposition is powerful and I inherited those same genes. His story could easily be mine without the blessing of divine intervention. It’s often hard to understand why I have the gift of carrying on to tell my story, while James Petkus’ story ended so abruptly. I do know that the ultimate sacrifice of his life brought me to my knees sooner than I ever would have got there. And if I hadn’t got there, I may not have lived much longer. The story is not mine to question, only to relate.

At the time of my parents’ divorce, my mother was going through a transformation that brought her to a new career in the holistic health field, as well as exploring healthier ways of feeding her family. A vegetarian cooking class in particular brought foods like tofu “meatballs” into the dinner rotation. I dined on hummus sandwiches and banana chips for lunch at my small Catholic school, jealously eyeing those with Oreos and PBJs. I was embarrassed by it all: by the food; by my mother’s lack of a “normal” job; by my father’s lack of ability to show up for his family.

My palate was refined. I ate every vegetable put in front of me, and there were many. My mother did a wonderful job of nourishing my body and soul. But sometimes, love and care is not enough. My genetic predisposition is to consume anything I can to excess in the hopes of quelling a raging internal storm of fear, doubt, and insecurity. Food soon became my shelter and my foe.

On the outside it was eating for comfort or out of boredom. On the inside, the shame cycle began in my early teens. Food fed my hunger, my loneliness and my low self esteem. Overeating (alone, as I preferred it) stoked the flame of self loathing. What started as a flicker, the obsession with body and my desire to control this thing I was trapped in, soon consumed me.

Losing my father was like losing any reason I had to maintain the facade of happiness and success. Coupled with binge drinking, binge eating and purging pulled me down into a morass of shame I was powerless to climb out of.

The things I did to myself I will spend a lifetime overcoming and forgiving. I hurt others, but I hurt myself in ways my broken soul could not withstand and did not deserve.

Help came in the form of rock bottom and spiritual enlightenment and angels on Earth. It was slow and treacherous and thoroughly painful. I was brought back from the brink and broken down completely in order to be built back up into the kind of person I always thought I could be. My life is a miracle. I am still unfolding and make so many mistakes and hurt myself and hurt others. The difference today is hope and an unwavering desire to seek and speak the truth in all its forms. Without the truth, I am sick and alone. I can no sooner turn a blind eye to the woes of this world, than tell a lie to save my own skin. As I work toward groundlessness I feel exhausted, and the urge to give up sneaks in. There is nothing left to hide behind. There is nothing left to fill me up and numb the pain. My eyes are wide open and the invisible line has been crossed. So here we are.

The difference between recovering from substance addiction and food addiction is that it is not possible to completely abstain from food. We need to eat to live! And therein lies the problem. We are eating beyond what we need to live and we are risking our planet, the well-being of other sentient creatures, and if we are honest, our own moral compasses to do so.

When I was 22, Tom and I backpacked Europe for 3 months. We were constantly walking with packs on our backs; we were starving and ate voraciously. It was the first time in a long time I was eating for fuel and not worrying about the calories. It felt exhilarating and was a much needed shift in my attitude toward food. We tried a great variety of cuisines in each country we visited. We did not discern. By and large we skipped fast food establishments, but our diet was heavy on meat and convenience. Along the way, I picked up a copy of Fast Food Nation at a free library in a youth hostel. It changed my life. It truly had never occurred to me (nor would I have cared during those 4am blacked out and slovenly McDonald’s excursions) where my food came from. In retrospect, it wasn’t my time. For so long I simply lacked the mental and emotional stability to safely process such information. The truth is painful. The truth is unsettling. The truth has slowly turned my whole world upside down.

I read as much as I could tolerate and stunned myself into vegetarian submission. It didn’t take much. A book simply entitled, 101 Reasons Why I’m a Vegetarian catapulted me into action. The image of Tyson factory farm workers torturing chickens haunts me until this day.

Almost 2 years into my vegetarianism (a way of life being lived alongside a partner who happily ate meat at almost every meal) I suffered a health crisis leading to emergency surgery and a long road of mental and physical recovery from the event. Soon after my surgery, my mother and I observed that I simply wasn’t healing. My wound wasn’t closing properly and my weight had plummeted. My energy was zapped. Reintroducing protein in the form of meat seemed like the logical answer.

Our culture tells us we need meat for protein, and milk for vitamin D. These lies are literally shoved down our throat from so early on, it can be hard to combat them with even the greatest of logic. If I had even scratched the surface of nutritional knowledge in my quest to eat better, I could have saved myself years of dieting, fluctuating weight and a constant feeling of lethargy. During the post-surgery sickness, I failed to examine the many ways proper nutrition evaded me that had nothing to do with my vegetarianism. A diet full of simple carbs, sugars and dairy, and low on fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, is a true recipe for disaster. I was depriving myself of whole foods and wondering why I felt I was dying a slow death. Meat was a seemingly much easier answer than the truth.

I am a master of deception, most adept in deceiving myself. After all of the knowledge and compassion I had amassed, I was able to shove it all aside for the sake of convenience and comfort.

During the many years I should have known better, I became a mother. Unfortunately for my children, health has a trickle down effect. I did my best, with the information I had, and now I am paying the price. I am detoxing my children off of dairy, avoiding meat at all costs, and begging them to eat vegetables of any kind.

More than even me, Zelda is reaping the benefits of my newfound knowledge and was the initial catalyst for changes I so desperately needed. After a disastrous effort at breastfeeding Louise, who was allergic to both milk and soy as a baby and ultimately survived on an abhorrent hypoallergenic formula, I was determined to do better with Z. Like her sister before her, Zelda was covered in an itchy, uncomfortable, red and often weeping rash from just a couple of weeks old. Also like Louise, she developed a desperate and sad case of acid reflux. Despite the many attempts to relieve her pain topically and through oral medicine, it became apparent the answer had to come from within. Up until she was allergy tested, I had great trouble with the elimination diet. For me, deprivation is a surefire way to ignite an inner rebellion, and I didn’t believe that after all the trouble I would get any clear answers anyway. No matter, the results of the blood and skin tests revealed conclusively that my baby was suffering from a severe milk allergy. The jig was up.

Some time during the latter months of my pregnancy with Zelda, Tom had done his own research and had taken action as part of his ongoing health journey. Even in his new role as endurance athlete, he ventured into veganism or “plant based eating” and was firm in his beliefs and his choices. He had found a new guru in Rich Roll, a sober, vegan, endurance athlete and brilliant author. As I listened to Tom’s retelling of Mr. Roll’s transformation, I was brimming with skepticism. However, as I was already giving up dairy, and had very complicated feelings toward eating animals, I made the transition to eating plant based. It happened slowly, but naturally.

During this new journey into eating exclusively plant based, mostly whole foods, I needed to add to my resolve. Convenience and comfort are the greatest demons in my fight to eat in a healthful way and moments of weakness were inevitable. I endeavored to read more articles as well as watch documentaries to add to an arsenal of protection that would keep me from making the detours I had taken in the past. What the Health, a documentary available on Netflix, was particularly enlightening and motivating to me. It is my first recommendation to anyone who is interested in taking a step toward improving her quality of life. Potent, powerful, and lacking in ghastly slaughterhouse scenes, the message gets across easily. All you have to do is listen.

Clearly, I am new at this approach to eating and am not a health expert. All I have is my story and my research, albeit condensed. Take from all of this what you will. Let it spark your own questions and a quest for your own answers. For now, here are the answers to the the most common questions I field when I broach the subject of my diet:

Where do you get your calcium?

I get the bulk of my calcium from kale. Stay with me. I start every morning with a giant smoothie. Frozen fruit is the overwhelming flavor. Kale merely provides color, but also the sought after nutrients, calcium being the one that most concerns people.

Where do you get your PROTEIN?!

Well, from black beans, chickpeas, lentils, wild rice, peanut butter, almonds, chia seeds, oatmeal, cashews, pumpkin seeds, edamame and tofu. To start. Spinach and broccoli are a couple of favorite sources, too. Yes, plants have protein! Per calorie, broccoli has more protein than beef, which is about 4.5 grams per 30 calories. Broccoli is also packed with amino acids, fiber, Vitamin B6 to improve your mood and is one of the best vegetables linked to fighting cancer. Take that!

Where do you get your Vitamin D?

From the sun. Turns out, you can’t get the right amount of vitamin D your body needs from food! This renders the need for dairy milk obsolete. It’s about as useful to us as monkey’s milk. (Ew.) On another note, new studies (not funded by the dairy industry) show that those who drink milk are actually at an increased risk for fractures. Strong bones, my ass.

How can you enjoy the holidays or other events?

Holidays and parties are not difficult. With just a little bit of planning, I never go hungry. And for the first time ever, I came away from this holiday season without feeling bloated and remorseful. It was incredible.

Can you go on vacation and eat like this?

Again, with the planning. Again, with the no remorse. We just got back from Disney World. I ate a good deal of vegan junk food, I must admit. But I did not feel deprived. Once I got over being that person who asks the food service person a few questions, the whole world opened up for me.

People often tell me how little dairy they consume. My retort at this point would be, try giving it up. It is only then that you will see how much you do actually consume. This is never more true than when on vacation. Case in point: At our lunch in Epcot, I conferred with my waiter about my meal preferences and ordered the vegetable soup. Soon after, a cook emerged from the kitchen to disclose that the vegetables were initially cooked in butter and I canceled my order. Milk is so pervasive, despite how many alternatives exist. Even choosing a bag of potato chips or crackers has become disturbing when I realize how often milk is unnecessarily included. So while I do find myself on guard, it doesn’t prevent me from eating. It just makes me a smarter consumer (and forces those Disney chefs to get creative).

In addition to these impossible tasks, I trained for a marathon while exclusively breastfeeding a Fleck baby (Have you seen them? They’re huge!) for 9 months, all while eating a vegan diet. Suffice it to say, veganism is not limiting. It is life saving and life sustaining.

It would be easy to quote sources and copy and paste disturbing facts and images, but I believe it is up to the individual to do her due diligence. Your body, your world, your responsibility. My takeaway from the information I’ve synthesized about living plant-based is this:

1.It’s the only true way to be an environmentalist. It takes 1,799 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef. And this is just the tip of the iceberg (or receding glaciers?) for what animal agriculture is doing to our planet.

2. It’s the best way to ensure being here for the long haul for my children. Of course, I could get hit by a car on my run tomorrow, but anything I do have control over I will do my best to harness in order to increase my odds of a longer life. And with a diet rich in ingredients that fight disease, and void of the foods that increase one’s susceptibility to disease (dairy and meat products are linked to various cancers, decline in cardiovascular health, high cholesterol, hypertension, Alzheimer’s and much more) I have more than a fighting chance.

3. As a self professed animal lover, it is hypocritical of me to eat animals. It’s that simple. It is only our culture that has lured us into believing that some animals deserve to die, while others get to be our pets. There is no rhyme or reason to it except that it is traditional, and breaking tradition is not easy. There is such a disconnect between the origin of our foods and what ends up packaged in the store and lands on our plate. Most people would not be able to stomach the process that gets animals onto our table. Eating meat is eating the terror an animal experiences throughout its life until its dying breath. The wish to live is as strong in them as it is in us. Through sheer brute force and selfish desire, we have stopped caring and stopped seeing this. It is the meat and dairy industry’s job to shield us from this. It is our duty to stop being willfully blind.

Growing up, my mother kept a card with this Goethe quote taped to the fridge. It bounces around my brain still, reminding me that my words and actions carry great weight, and that meaningful change can start with my own actions. I just have to start somewhere.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.