#ANYWAY HI if anyone feels like talking in my ask.. come rant abt ur year or astro or anything ily
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Someone anyone pls. My boyfriend has unfortunately had his phone broken so I haven't been talking with him, and I feel so lonely š Also ALL OF MY FRIENDS LIVES ARE CRUMBLING APART?? My friend just broke up with her boyfriend, because of her mental health, but I suspect that it might be because of the boy she's been flirting with on the side. My other friends sibling is breaking up with their douche of a man, thank goodness. Two OTHER friends, who are literally bestfriend and have been for years, have been fighting eith eachother amd separating from our little group?? Also my dads been talking about death and I find myself looking at baby pictures of me and him with my grandma and great grandma, crying about thinkinf that I'm gonna be the only one alive in that picture some day. It also dawned on me that he's like the only person that I KNOW I'll have until we perish. We were watching mamma mia, and the whole time I kept thinking that I wished my mom loved me like Donna loved her daughter, and mentioned how I'd like to move into a little island or something. I guess my dad saw me holding back tears during the "slipping through my fingers" song, because he told me we could move to Alaska just he and I. (That's his dream place) PLEASE IM SOBBING THINKING ABT THE FACT HES NEVER BEEN.
Anyways, it made me think of my goal in life, and its to someday bring my dad to Alaska with me. Regardless if hes with me, just inside an urn. (I'm being so dead serious, I love my dad even if I went through some shit for most of my childhood. He's like the only person in my life who has stepped up, and made an actual change in his behavior for MY sake. It's admirable, and I've always been my fathers daughter. I'm just more proud to say it now after everything hes been through, and the changes hes gone through for my well being.)
I apologize about the rant, I fear that I've been holding that within me for so long. My friends don't really care about my personal life, and sometimes I'm glad that I keep it that way. ANYWAYS.
I realize that I haven't been in your asks, but I did follow through with that strike. Stayed off my phone unless it was to check about the updates for Palestine, and reposting. Didn't buy groceries, I even stopped going to classes for the time being. I'm sad to know that it's not getting any better, and I'm ashamed to say that my little town has very little businesses that DON'T support Israel. So I can't really avoid buying things from those places :(
Been keeping up with your writing though, for the most part. I'm very sad that it will come to an end, but I'm excited to see the ending. I'm ALSO EXCITED FOR INUMAKI š»š»š»š»š»
Anyways, gonna go shower because I feel like a dirty corndog that was dropped at a fair. Wish me luck that I don't run out of warmish water, I always seem to do so because my hair is so hard to manage and I have like 10 different products that I have to put in it. (I'm being dramatic, I usually sit and let it do it's thing while I sing the weekend and deftones. š)
GOODNIGHT STAY WARM!!!!
Xoxo š½
donāt wanna be mean but iām glad ur bf broke his phone š BUT JESUS WHY R ALL UR FRIENDS LIVES SIMULTANEOUSLY IN SHAMBLES ??? LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ???šš thatās crazyā¦ hopefully the two that have been friends for years figure their stuff outā¦
mamma mia will get uā¦ it always willā¦ (iāve never seen it) BUT HE SAID U COULD MOVE TO ALASKA JUST U N HIM STOP IM SOBBING OH MY GOD??? that sounds like a very good life goal bae!! iām sure heād love that whether heās actually with u or in an urn like u said!! and iām super glad you have him and that he stepped out to make a change in himself for u i love that for u bae :( DONT APOLOGIZE FOR THE RANT ITS OKAY I DONT MIND !!
u havenāt but itās okay!! i know youāll pop up eventually LMFAO and yay for following through with the strike!! i really hope a lot of other people did as well.
YAY SO GLAD YOUVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH MY WRITING N ARE EXCITED BAEš¤š¤š¤
A DIRTY CORNDOG THAT WAS DROPPED AT A FAIR HELEOEMEME LMFOAOA ENJOY UR SHOWER!! (whats ur favorite the weekend and deftones songā¦)
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it makes me so glad u like my saeru post bc honestly i get so scared sharing my kagepro opinions in this cold world but like yeah it's makes zero sense whenever i see people try to view saeru the same way they view the other characters bc that's seriously not the pointš. saeru is like sad from an objective standpoint but in kagepro's narrative alone he's what is holding the characters back from developing and gaining happiness. like the only thing abt him is that he's a fabricated shallow version of what being human is like and even then hes only the horrible parts bc he was created from despair. he's meant to be azami's, and by extent all of the mkdn and co's trauma holding them back. if someone tries to find any understanding in his actions then it defeats the whole purpose of his character. a true saeru fan wouldnt try to find empathy in his character but that sounds a bit crazy uhm. anyway sorry for the long ask just kagepro's narrative is so special to me so it makes me a bit insane. *closes the door to my cage and locks it*
1. i totally get you. ive been into kagepro for almost 10 years, ive grown up with it but only started sharing my content when i made this blog (like 5 years ago) and while ive always been loud abt my opinions i think im only NOW like REAAAAAALLY letting loose. i know what it's like to be nervous abt sharing ur opinions lol but u should keep doing it even if u think no one is listening bc someone IS listening and even if someone isnt WHATEVER i love living in delusion talking to myself that's what i do best
2. EXACTLY EXACTLY IT IS SO SO REFRESHING TO SEE SOMEONE GET IT SO PERFECTLY AND PUT IT INTO WORDS SO PERFECTLY TOO like i barely have anything to add because u just say it so perfectly. saeru IS a tragic character in the way it is created from despair like u said but the fact is that since it cannot feel anything like love u can never truly feel bad for it when it dies... it never wanted to help kenjirou, or save hiyori, or give haruka his life back. its purpose through and through is to keep killing everyone precisely because it brings tragedy. like sure it wants to live forever etcetcetc but what it wants to do is bring misery bc that's what it is
i think ppl are generally bad with characters like these because they try to give everyone a humanity?? like with alien characters for example. like it's such a pet peeve to me that people always wanna apply human principles and feelings to characters that are not... human. and the whole point is that they don't understand it and have to learn it or they just understand it differently or like in this case are straight up incapable of it. like this is so interesting. it is so interesting to have a character u will NEVER truly understand fully precisely because of your existence as a human vs their fictional non human existence. THAT'S the kind of thing that's so fun and interesting abt fiction and writing stories and characters, i think. srry that's kind of an unrelated rant that could apply to dozens of characters but here specifically it's like... yeah. there is definitely something interesting in humanizing saeru and making it be one of these characters who learn what love is and etc but that comes at the expense of kagepro's message and the question is why do u even wanna do that so bad. saeru is not THAT lovable anyway fuck that guy fr
because in my professional kagepro experience and here i am about to get a little bitter, 90% of the time it comes from being horny over omg posessed sexy anime boy bc ive never seen ANYONE objectifying clearing when its in kenjirou's bodyā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļø personally, that's also why im so UGH EYE ROLL at ppl sympathizing saeru but that's more personal lmao. *shakes fist* like mamoru miyano was 1000% chosen as haruka's va thinking primarily of saeru, secondarily of konoha, and haruka as the oh well he's here too ig. i am so sure. i am so DAMN SURE. u got sexy anime voice guy???? are you SERIOUS??? AND THE FACT HE VOICES SAERU EVEN WHEN NOT POSESSING KONOHA AND SOUNDS...LIKE THAT... MAKES IT MORE THAN CLEAR. THEY WANTED PEOPLE TO OBJECTIFY SAERU SO BAD. AND THE WORST IS THAT IT WORKED AND I WILL ALWAYS HATE IT FOR IT.
...........anyway. yes. i love long asks ty for writing to me and reading my tags and also for writing that awesome post (bow bow bow bow)ššššš
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emergency contact hcs
alternative title: itās been awhile since you two broke up and until now neither of you changed your contact information for various reasons and because of this you are still saved as the emergency contact
kageyama:Ā
kageyama would either be working out or sleeping when he suddenly gets a call from a random number in the middle of the night
say like.. 2-3 am
mf wouldnāt even look at the caller when answering cs its either he got interrupted during his sessions or he got woken up
he groggily answers the phone and winces when he hears loud club music from the other end just dampening his mood a bit more lol
āis this kageyama tobio?ā he hears the other line ask
kageyama suddenly sits up straight like wtf happened this time
mind you this mf doesnt even go to clubs so why would anyone in a club or some party area call him let alone get his number
āyeah. who is this?ā is what kageyama replies
āsorry to bother you at this time but you are the emergency contact of miss y/n l/n and iām here to inform you that she is passed out drunk at (club location) so if you donāt mind please pick her up for her own safetyā
without a second thought, kageyama agrees and grabs his keys to his car and basically pressed on the gas and zoomed at the said location
he doesnt even realize how worried he was til he noticed how his grip on the steering wheel was so tight his knuckles turned white
even if you two broke it off, he still genuinely deeply cares for you to this extent of picking your ass up at some club doing god knows what
kageyama has probably began overanalyzing the situation and thinking it was his fault on why you were acting like this
when he arrives at the club, thankfully you were still there with the bartender
you were slouched on the bar with shot glasses surrounding you
āi just miss him so muchā you cried to the bartender.Ā āi mean i gave him everything! he was my first he even took away my goddamn virginity and yet..ā you paused, lips quivering, as the thought of kageyama breaking up with you replayed in your head like a broken record
āy/nā kageyama speaks up after eavesdropping at your little rant to the bartender
you whip your head up and lo and behold, it was the guy who broke your heart. the reason why youāre in this club for the 4th time this week
āt-tobio?ā you stuttered, suddenly feeling sober
kageyama cringes at the sight. your hair was all tousled, your eyebags are prominent making it look like youāve cried for weeks or you had no sleep
but he assumes you did both only making him guiltier
kageyama walks up to you and drapes his jacket over your exposed shoulders
āletās go home yeah?ā he says quietly. you donāt say anything but let him take you home
before you two leave the bar, he thanks the bartender for keeping you safe and sound by the time he arrived (tipping him of course)
you woke up with a killer headache the next morning on his bed with a million questions running through your mind
suna:Ā
you and suna had a rough breakup
there were a lot of unanswered questions and overall you two got toxic real quick just a little after suna went pro
you donāt even know why or how it happened
suna would suddenly come home all stressed and shit and wouldnt utter a word to you and the next morning heād be back to the suna you once knew
this became a reoccuring thing where it all just piled up and boom! mf called it quits after YEARS being together
and because of this abrupt occurrence in your relationship,
(youāve broken up a few times before this btw)
he seemed to be genuinely done with the relationship (for now is what you think lol)
so you were the bitter ex girlfriend
tweeting and sharing abt very obvious and shady things abt your relationship with suna n the such
when the twins found out oh boy were they in for a surprise
you kept posting abt being single and free and all that shit but everyone knows whats the jist anyway
you two will come back to each other eventuallyĀ
suna was also being bitter and lowkey started to talk shit abt ur relationship (only to the twins tho cs suna isnāt THAT bitter)
+ the twins know its bullshit anyway lmfao
cs u also talk shit abt suna to themĀ
back to the story !!Ā
youāve posted something very uhh you know.. something that you know suna has to come back crawling to you
so you posted on your instagram story abt ur halloween costume for this year
ironically enough u and suna had this halloween pact where yāall would dress up as couple characters and everyone on the tl always found it cute but sadly for now you are single
so you posted a very sexc selfie of u wearing maiās costume from rascal does not dream abt bunny girl senpai
suna obviously saw this and was salty abt how you looked like that WITHOUT him
so he was mad,,, at himself and at you for some whackass reason
and to deal with his anger, he resolved into practicing volleyball surpass his limits
(mf thot he was deku or smth)Ā
because of this he sprained his ankle rlly badly that he ended up on the hospital
and since he didnt bother to change your contact info, you were still the emergency contact
that means you got contacted by the hospital at 11 pmĀ
IMMEDIATELY you rushed to the hospital cs wtf happened to your (ex)boyfriend
and when you arrived at the emergency room, you see suna sitting on the bed with his leg elevatedĀ
āwhoopsā is what all suna says when he watches you go through a rollercoaster of emotions
you didnāt exactly know if you wanted to cry, laugh or be angry at his situation
laugh cs mf deserved it for breaking ur heart
cry cs u thought something really bad happened to him
angry that he pushed himself too hard for volleyball
you sat next to him and waited for his doctor to tell you what happened and what needs to be done
the doctor basically tells you suna just needs to stay at home til his leg heals before he can start playing again and you just need to be with him to take care of him n shit
nothing much tbh
just missing a lot of practice and you being around again
something he genuinely misses but acts like he doesnt
on the inside suna was glad he just needs to stay at home cs that means he can destress for a little longer and that you were there, maybe he can get you back
#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu headcanons#haikyuu x reader#kageyama imagines#kageyama headcanons#kageyama x reader#suna imagines#suna headcanons#suna x reader
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toffee!
hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)
YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults
ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)
hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)
> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy
back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious
no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.
yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)
YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.
hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!
hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?
wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?
no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying
<3 w.a. šŗ
sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;
yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.
i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.
abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.
anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://
HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*
i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.
i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.
it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.
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friends to lovers!au mark lee
gif credit
i was inspired bc my sister recently confessed to her best friend and the way she did it was hella cute soo....
when you first entered high school you didn't know anybody since you just moved in town
nd it was rlly hard trying to adapt since you were a new kid + u were socially awkwardĀ
on ur first day of school u sat down in ur seat in English nervous as hell bc there are so many... unfamiliar faces.... hELP
and next to u is your seat partner who is this guy who has brown hair and is wearing a pink sweater nd ur like .... ok u can do this u can make conversation with him
but then the teacher interrupts and ur like WeLP THERE GOES MY SOCIAL LIFE AND MY CHANCES OF MAKING FRIENDS :)))))))))))))))
ur teacher basically just talks about the syllabus and other boring stuff nd honestly his voice is so monotone that u just feel like napping
nd u notice that the guy next to you is also trying hella hard not to sleep and you smile to yourself at how his head cutely falls down as he's dozing off but then he immediately wakes up nd pretends like nothing happened
your teacher just keeps on talking and at one point he's like "i hope nobody's fallen asleep yet! :D" jokinglyĀ
and under your breath you're like "... we're literally all about to pass out"Ā
you expect nobody to notice but then u hear the boy next to you let out a small laugh nd u look over and ohmygod he looks so cute whenever his face scrunches up from smiling!!
when the bell rings you're about to get up and the boy suddenly approaches u and is like "hi... i'm mark... i'm from canada"Ā
nd you just laugh and go "hi mark from canada i'm (y/n) from ___" nd then he gets rlly embarrassed bC WHY DID HE SAY THAT
but its ok bc u thought it was cute
nd from then on he introduces you to his friend group which is just filled with a bunch of crackheads honestly
u join their squad and for the next highschool years you basically become best friends with all of them
but mark... he becomes your #1 bff immediately
you're both awkward & dorky so when u two are laughing to eachother about some dog meme on Instagram haechan and jisung judge you two so hardĀ
you two like to go on adventures together in town like maybe riding bicycles to a park OR going into costume shops just to have fun trying on wigsĀ
during English the teacher probably hates you two bc instead of focusing on how to write an analytical essay u and mark are listening to music while playing endless rounds of tic tac toe
anyways the whole school year passes nd now u two are sophomoresĀ
a lot of people gossip about u two and speculate when u two are gonna start dating but ????? you don't see mark that way and ur 2971301% sure he doesn't see you that way either
in fact u two like to make a lot of dating jokes and pretend to be a youthful, happy couple so y'all can get free things from cashiers who can't resist your adorableness
yet sometimes.... u wonder what it would be like to actually date him but u convince urself that a) mark doesn't like you THAT way and b) being best friends is just as good
jeno is your #2 best friend because he's actually the most normal one in your squad + he's actually rlly compassionate and reasonable like DAMN husband material
nd u tell jeno that u always wonder what it would be like... to have mark has ur boyfriend and he'd be like Well not much would change right?Ā
whenever ur away from mark u two are either facetiming or texting
whether it's just sending eachother funny memes or tagging eachother in videos of cute animals ... u never go a day without interacting
one day he suddenly doesn't reply to any of your texts or calls and you're ??? ok mayb he's just busy bc he does play basketball a lot with the boys
but then..... u start getting worried so u ask ur groupchat where he's been
you: has anyone seen mark? he's not responding to any of my messages
dream groupchat~
bitch #1 (renjun): why ???? r u worried about him ;)
bitch #2 (haechan): OOooOoOo bc u care about ur Boyfriend?!!
bitch #3 (jisung): omg i'm blushing u 2 are so cute uwu
you: omg shut up i hate you three
jeno<3: i heard he's at the hospital
nana<3: yea he injured his foot
dolphin: yah not to be a snitch BUT he told us not to tell you
you: wait what?!
you rush to the nearest hospital on ur bicycle and when you find mark just chilling on a hospital bed with a cast on his foot u almost pass out
nd he's rlly surprised at first but when he sees tears stream down ur face he immediately feels like the worst guy on Earth
he has to hug you nd tell you 194820 times that he's OK and that he's sorry for not telling u abt the injury
when u find out that some guy ran over his foot with a skateboard u immediately find the guy at school and almost kick him but the whole squad holds u back
at school chenle privately tells u that mark didn't want to tell u abt the injury bc he didn't want you to worry about him but ??? that's BS!!Ā
chenle tries to imply that mark cares about u in a Special way but u completely miss it
in fact, the rest of the dream squad always talks about u two behind your backs and are like "when tf r they gonna realize their feelings"
even tho haechan wants to just leave you guys in a room to talk about it the rational ones (aka Jeno & RenJun) are like "no just let them figure out on their own"
junior year starts!! and u feel...... different
everyone around you starts to date and you wish you could too
some ppl have asked u out before but u kindly rejected them all.... but why?? why don't u have feelings for them?? they're cute and probably ur ideal type yet u still don't want them
nd whenever all ur frieds are in relationships u feel left outĀ
Jaemin tells u that u don't need to date to "fit in" but you don't understand why u're not attracted to anyone
so imagine how ... lost ... you feel when mark starts dating someone
he's mentioned this girl a couple of times before and how she's pretty nd u would always agree and encourage him to make a move
but it's all too sudden and unexpected when he texts you about it
chat with mark-
morkypoo: (y/n) i'm dating her
you: who? that girl you mentioned a few times?
morkypoo: yea
morkypoo: you're not mad right?
you: no! i'm happy for you! why would i be mad
morkypoo: idkĀ
and you WERE happy for him!! but u kinda just relied on him to stay single forever with you so y'all can make fun of the other dream boys when they dateĀ
besides that.... you sort of feel.... jealous?!
so ur on a phone call with jeno panicking and ranting abt how you're so confused!!!
and jeno just calmly listens and is like "okay let's see here... why would you be jealous?"
nd u would be like "because i want him to be my best friend and i don't want him to ditch me for someone else i guess!!!"
"any other reason??"
and you would think hard about it and suddenly
oh shit
you like mark.
in your panic you hang up on jeno and throw your phone somewhereĀ
and your heart.... aches.Ā
like there's this sharp pain around it and wow. This sucks.
the tall boy from Canada whose face scrunches up whenever he laughs, the boy who you share blankets with during movies, the boy who you have as your lockscreen is actually ... your first love...
so in order to forget your pain you try to deny itĀ
its normal for friends to sometimes feel attraction right??? it's okay for you to think about kissing your friend right???
without even realizing it, you start distancing yourself from mark in an attempt to figure out your feelings
mark is confused about why you stopped tagging him in Canada memes and why you always go to sleep earlier nd can't call him anymore
during school you two still talk a lot ofc but whenever mark's gf comes around to kiss or hug him you immediately turn around and leaveĀ
the dream squad watches this happen for a month before they finally decide to deal with this shit themselves
haechan: ok squad our lovely couple is falling apart we need to save them
renjun: haechan we aren't going to lock them in a room!!
jeno: well (y/n) is sad about mark dating someone else
jisung: that idiot... why'd he have to date that girl
jaemin: idk bc we all know he doesn't really like her
chenle: ur right she's annoying af
haechan: i watched them talk before... the conversation was STALE
and as the boys try to figure out a plan, you lay on your bed contemplating everything with your heart feeling stuffy
junior year ends and summer startsĀ
but now, you're certain of your feelings
mark offers you to get ice cream at night and you agree
when you both arrive at the ice cream store you realize how much you loved just spending time with mark
and how you would die if your friendship fell apart bc of your stupid feelings
after you two are done, you say your goodnights and you enter your car with a clouded mind
and you sit in your car, not even budging, just thinking
before u know it, you grab your phone and you dial mark's number
he answers after the first ring and is like "(y/n) what's up?"
"i know this is really embarrassing and i'm probably going to regret saying this but... i think i like you. no. i like you, mark."
the line goes silent and you can tell he's shocked
after seconds you hear him go, ".... oh okay." nd you scramble to hang up the call, thinking you messed everything up
he sounded really surprised and you start beating yourself up over it
when you drive home, you get a text response from mark that says
morkypoo: i think i like you too
morkypoo: no, i like you.Ā
after your confession it seems like things are back to normal except now you cuddle closer to him and hold hands with him a LOT
your favorite thing is to surprise him with pecks to his cheeks bc it gets him so freaking embarrasing and flustered!! and now he's scrambling for words bc u literally made him forget what he was about to say
u two decide not to tell the dream squad abt your relationship until a few days
but ofc the plan goes wrong bc suddenly as u two are watching Netflix while sharing popcorn mark gets a call from haechan
nd mark is ? and answers itĀ
AND haechan is like "hey mark let's meet at the library tomorrow at 2:00pm"
mark, suspiciously: u never go to the library...
haechan: uHHHHH i want to read books ok bye see you there!!!
then he just hangs up and mark is is hella confused and you're just staring at him with the same ? expression
not even a second later your phone starts ringing and guess who it is. yup, haechan.
haechan: let's meet at the library tomorrow at 2:10 pm! oh yeah and don't tell mark!! ok bye!
after discussing it with mark, you 2 come to the agreement to just play along with whatever game haechan was pulling
and once you arrive at the library you're immediately pushed into a study room by haechan and he's like"TALK OUT YOUR FEELIINGS" then locks the door
hmm and guess who else is in that room? mark.
u 2 look at eachother then start laughing bC HAECHAN WAS TRYING TO set you guys together but y'all were one step ahead
to surprise haechan (who was trying to pretend like he wasn't spying on you two from the door's window), you kiss mark on the cheekĀ
the door bursts open and haechan is like ???WTF that fast???wow i'm good at this-
you: no we were already together
haechan:
haechan, pulling out his phone: i'm telling the squad that you two are fake friends for not telling us this earlier
#haha i'm actually kinda proud of this#nct dream#nct#kpop#mark lee#mark scenarios#mark imagines#mark headcanons#mark fanfiction#mark fanfictions#mark fanfic#mark fanfics#mark fluff#mark angst
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idk why
ppl want to be fake friends like iād rather have real friends or no friends but i donāt get why ??? ppl rly wanna try n be my fake friend like no listen iām sorry but i canāt be ur friend on the day u feel lonely n a stranger when ur thriving and omg!!!! this one rly just told me my expectations are too high bc get this! i asked her to consider me like o ok lol so youāre rly telling me in ur twisted idea of a friend Iām not allowed to expect u to care abt me like isnāt that only the literal definition of a friend my mistake??? bc i totally get having no expectations of ppl and all that but at the end of the day when ur then best friend decides to ignore ur existence then come back into ur life whenever they feel like it? like my problem isnāt that ur trying to come back into my life iām open to whatever ok but when u canāt have consistent intentions to be a good friend u auto = fake aka nobody ????Ā i GET that ppl mess up obv iām not perfect either but itās just admitting that and actually understanding where u went wrong n at least making an honest effort of not doing it again that is SO CRUCIAL
wow wow wojeofiae and like itās just soooo funny when ur pride is the fucking reason weāre not friends??? like if ur ego is whatās holding u back i rly donāt need someone so easily swayed by that bs in my life? so no iām not gonna try or give a fuck abt u if ur idea of a friend is not aligned w mine like and if it isnāt thatās fine we donāt have to be friends uk but like idk it sucks tbh bc iāve been sooo transparent abt how ur lack of words/actions hurt meĀ so bad so u literally know but donāt do anything w this knowledge??? n still wanna try and talk to me like weāre friends after?? fuck no
itās sad that 2 of my absolute best friends did this to me in diff ways but like this is the underlying pattern n it just hurts so bad when the person ur the closest to in the worldĀ and has learned the most abt u and has been thru sooo many ups and downs just one day decides that ur not important to them anymore uk??? like and when they come back later bc of c thatās what they always fucking do! they expect it to be like the old days and make u feel like ur fucking crazy for being hurt when they literally just left u in the dark. it was so painful to grieve thru that period without u bc i had to feel what it was like when u turned ur back on me and yes it was v fucking cold bc when i was ur friend it was all sunny days n that was a stark contrast butĀ
also these past few days rly just make me wanna ask u why tf are u so fucking bipolar and a passive aggressive cunt to me one second and talking to me in ur bubbly tone like im ur friend legitimately 2 seconds later bc oh u just remembered u can use me for this thing or that??? iāve literally never met an angrier or immature person? like ok obv iām just off one on this rant so iām gonna explain just how this girl tried me today! so sheās my roommate n keep in mind like i have told her explicitly my problem w her is that she hurt me when she didnāt communicate w me n went mia like i said this multiple times so no guess work needed n anyway today i was playing music in our room and guess what this girl does!!! puts her music on louder than mine! at first i was like?????????????? literally what? LIKE DID U RLY!!!!!!!!! JUST DO THAT LOL it was rly too much for u to tell me u wanted to play ur music???? i was honestly amazed and was like ok like obv this just sounds like shit at this pt n tbh all i wanted to do was just ask u why u felt that u didnāt want to tell me u wanted to play ur music? but then i checked myself and remembered ur words that i am expecting too much of u when i ask why u donāt care to communicate certain things so i guess itās too much to ask u this too so like what now? n i just turned my music off after this internal resolution that u literally told me i canāt expect anything from u aka i canāt ever expect u to show up for me so like who is someone to u that is there one day and not the next?? like a relationship needs a degree of stable commitment and if i can never count on u why would i want to waste my time waiting on u to fuck up / my breath for calling u my friend?Ā
the ppl iām lucky enough to call my friends are ppl that iām inspired by and iām not saying ur an ugly person like obv u have parts of u that are so beautiful and thatās who i saw in u before but like if u keep showing me how ugly u can be donāt blame me if u singlehandedly broke my trust in u ??? AND ANYWAY LOL if ur reading this still the CHERRY on top of it all and what actually got me fucking mad is this !!!! girl!!!! asked me for a bandaid a breath after i turned my music off. like. o. ... .m. . . m. g. i just honestly couldnāt believe it n w her cheery ass tone like this is what iām talking abt how u only matter to them when they need u!!! i was debating asking her abt the music thing now that she decided i was worth speaking to but literally it just wasnāt worth it to hear another one of ur excuses??? i wouldāve loved to see what u wouldāve twisted out of that situation tbh but i was also like ok like i donāt wanna help u bc ur a cunt but then i was like uk what! she wins if iām a bitter person bc of her by telling her no so i let her have my stupid bandaid but talk to me like weāre friends one more time and i swear to fucking god !!!!! i wonāt be so silentĀ
n my friends are like r u gonna be friends w her after n iām like ? what friend treats a friend like this ????????? like real q? this is not a friend. why would i say yeah iāll be friends w her just to make her happy? no bitch my one requirement to be my friend is to act like a fucking friend and if u tell me thatās expecting too much of u like ok but u have to understand! this is my definition of a friend i canāt be ur friend then ! stop half ass trying!!!!!! either leave me tf alone or the moment u choose to decide (and actually act like) u wanna be real to me is when i consider u my friend again uk!! iām not gonna hold ur shit over ur head but idk i feel like itās bc they think that i will that they donāt try or honestly i donāt know their reason why but all i do know is thereās a blatant discrepancy between their words and their actions. for both of them but like the one who did this to me first even apologized to me and like i honestly rly appreciated that like it was only! a year and a half late lol but still i was happy but then they went ahead and did them and i havenāt heard of them since! like ok COOL so u just wanted to say weāre friends then go away again like thatās what iām saying i donāt get it why do ppl want to be fake friends? whatās the pt????????? wow ok these are just the questions that iām asking myself rn it like tears me apart that the ppl who know me best canāt bother to act like my friend when they wanna still have the perks of calling me a friend ! literally if any of them were to hit me up and put an attempt that lasts o idk beyond a single day to be my friend then iām down iām there but donāt fucking tell me i have high expectations for thinking ur my friend yeah obv iām rly frustrated at everyone for complicating everything like clearly i care so much abt these ppl and thatās why iām hell bent on trying to make myself feel ok for not taking them back bc as much as i love them i have self respect and literally it would just become an emotionally abusive relationship if i try to engage in a friendship where the friend would just let me down every day like i already have my own shit iām dealing w why tf would i want to put myself thru unnecessary pain?
like everyone knows when ur being genuine or not. the recent one gave me a fake apology and it was so clear it was fake and last night she even admitted that it was n that she doesnāt think she needs to apologize and like iām just like ......... so letās just say i forgot that u canāt stick to ur word ok.... did u rly just have to remind me again?! this is what iām talking abt itās just painful and i canāt be ur friend if u canāt be real w me ok thatās all if anyone wants to be a human w me say hi like i rly donāt think anyone reads this so i was gonna delete my tumblr so long ago bc like whats the pt if no one sees u but then i realized how fucking cool that is and how liberating it is to just like put ur thoughts out into the interweb like journal writing is cool n all but on the off chance someone other than me does happen to see this then hi ur only looking at my deepest thoughts so i might as well know who u r lol but like if not (prob) then thatās ok iāll just lol at myself when i reread this later! as stressful as this is like omg iām graduating next week and i wonāt have these kinda petty problems anymore and like thatās cool when that happens but idk iām just not ready to grad f m u so ik as like annoying as this is and as stressed as i am abt my classes and assignments and finals and the future iām eternally grateful for my education n like thatās why i donāt wanna leave! itās the little things like tn i was at a coffee shop studying w friends n in the car ride back me n one of them were talking abt that one cute barista like he doesnāt matter but having someone to just say whatever the fuck u want w n confide in! itās these little pleasures that i just love so much!!! n like i didnāt even notice but my friend brought to my attn like how he was acting kinda dumbstruck when he was talking to us n i was like lol fuck ur right thatās fucking hilarious n i had a new thing to laugh abt that i wouldnāt have if i had experienced it alone uk! like talking is literally what allows a relationship to flourish so w these 2 ppl where they just donāt communicate w me like that sounds like such a small flaw but the reason why itās such a problem is that it literally stunts the friendships growth! how can we connect and etc if u canāt share whatās rly going on w me??????? or like why do u feel u donāt need to talk abt the truth?????? but ya as i was saying lol itās ok iāll just have to grind until i can get into my next school (hopefully, someone take me pls lol sos) but ya idk i suffer a lot during school but tbh itās my fav ever so iām so sad iām graduating!!!!!! but like the only thing thatās making it ok is bc all of us are saying the same thing and itās comforting that even tho we all dk what the fuck is going on iām not the only oneĀ
so mostly sad bc iām gonna miss my real friends here soooooooo much like w all my heart omg nothing will be the same again and iām not ready! iāll miss being seconds away and the fact that i can go over or call them like hoe get ready bc weāre going to the beach thatās down the street!!!! at my parents place the beach is half an hour away and i was in love but u had to drive like an extra 15-30 min to get to even nicer beaches n bruh let me tell u i rly did myself right by going to a school an actual 5 seconds away from the beach and granted besides us students itās a rich white conservative person area but still itās in a cute n clean area?? omg like this is just as good as it gets uk??? so ya blessed to be stressedĀ
!?!?@#
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8 questions tag~
helloooooā
well i was tagged byĀ @king-haoā and also i just wanted to do @strawberrybooāĀ ās questions bc iām bored and sheās a damn gem so yayyyy iām not gonna tag anyone tho
sisterās questions(āæā āæā )
1. What is your favorite kpop choreography? i legit wrote an article abt this soooooooo yeah i was struggling.... but then i remember that nct dreamās my first and last happened and if you think that isnāt THE best choreo youāre a fool... consider that the dance moves never repeat except for a single move at the end of the chorus. not to mention the moves are very rigorous too thanks to the extensive floor work. also the fact that there are an even number of members (comeback jaemin) the formations are even more tricky... bye i could talk abt this for 700 years
2. What MV is the most aesthetically pleasing to you? (not necessarily your favorite MV, just which one matches your aesthetic the most) uhhhhhh what even hmmmm iāll say check in by svtās hip hop unit actually bc i really like traveling and also wonwooās face:3 (and lunaās free somebody but whatās new) oh shoot also all the loona mvās ahhh the one i like aesthetically best is probably choerryās love cherry motion tho edit: shoottttttt i forgot fri.sat.sun by dalshabet a true fave
3. Literally just write a paragraph about your ultimate bias. Hereās your chance to rant about ur fave bye you fool you asked for this AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH well for starters if you donāt know... jeon wonwoo is the actual love of my life. for so many reasons he has become and remained my bias for about a year and a half which doesnāt seem long but he has been my only ult bias! usually i make fun of him but to be honest he is one of the most sweet and caring people iāve ever seen. he may tease his members and make dumb comments but thatās really the only way he can express his affection. heās very shy and heās said without svt he wouldnāt have been friends w the members bc he is introverted. but heās so grateful to be able to be so close w the boys my heart. heās also such a huge dork which i love. as a fellow dork i support. i love how heās so smart and witty and always has the best comebacks. i love how he gets so invested in books that he was ready to actually fight soonyoung for throwing his book once akhgfkal. heās such a soft boy also like can you imagine him w a tiny kitten?? heās afraid of dogs (like a damn dork) but w a kitten heād be so careful holding it and loving cry. also i want to protect and care for him so much he has so many physical ailments like wonu how are you still in one piece but he stays strong for his members and for caratsā” wow dude i didnāt even yell i must be in a soft mood tonight hmmm
4. When did your bias look the softest? (include photo evidence if u have it)Ā i mean wonwoo is soft 24/7 like iām p sure hisĀ āstyleā is just comfy okay but basically all of pretty u era was just the SOFTEST honestly wonwoo invented soft mhmmmm like sweater paws ??? all ? the ? time ????? iconic
if i had to choose tho...
but any nose crinkles are verified the softestā¢
(creds)
5. What kpop merchandise do you own? (if any) well not a whole lot sister buys a lot of albums but i have some photo cards and posters from her and other friends:D when we went to LA tho we bought a lot of kpop stuff but i guess i only got some postcards and a poster hmmmm but @strawberrybooā hAS SENT ME FOUR BEAUTIFUL KEYCHAINS WHICH I LOVE W MY WHOLE HORT THAT SHE MADE W HER OWN TWO HANDS WHAT KIND OF LEGEND (my keys are very heavy but itās definitely worth it)
6. What August debut or comeback are you most excited for? well the main reason iām finally doing this is bc august is tomorrow oops oh shoot technically itās in two hours h e l p and this question is illegal bc literally so many faves are coming back i canāt even remember them all... i know for sure snsd, gfriend, samuel, n.flying, wanna one, weki meki, nuāest, boyfriend uhh ofc day6 and loona uhhhhhhhhh shoot i know thereās more fuck and i would say nct dream is who iām most excited for but technically they havenāt announced it yet so...
7. Of your favorite groups, which one do you think has the prettiest lightstick?Ā hmmmmm i may be biased... but seventeenās is so pretty... i like monsta xās too and vixxās.... apinkās and got7ā²s are cute too... but carat bong has my heart
8. Of your favorite groups, which one do you think has the best fandom name? i mean again... biased... carat is so frickin cute bye~ but monbebe, honey10 and tinkerbell are also very cute! and i should mention that i didnāt really like NCTzen at first but them being excited abt it made me love it:)
emmaās questions(āæā āæā )
1. Ok so Iām gonna steal one of the questions that Mir answered in hers and its is if you could have any idols hairstyle past or present whose would you choose?Ā bye i already did this lol but iāll add taeyeonās hair in why promotions and luna in this look:
byeeeee (i think creds toĀ Ā© No.91812 ? but thereās no credit:( (yāall donāt steal shit from fansites pls))
2. If you could take your bias group or just your bias and put them into another universe i.e. wizarding world or similar what world would you but them in? And why? okay iām gonna copy sister and say ATLA too just bc i want to go there tbh~~~ i feel like wonu and i would be two average peeps tho w/o bending... unless i can maybe see wonu as a fire bender but he only uses it for dumb things like heating up his tea dfhlalfkjdaf oh shoot itās bias group hmmmm well they will be our children i guess idk itās late no itās not itās only 10:20 who am i anymore
3. Fave idol outfit? doesnāt have to be your bias just any outfit youāve liked! Provide pictures if you want!Ā iāve really liked all of chunghaās outfits in why donāt you know promotions theyāve all been so summery kaflhjadskj also seohyunās looks in donāt say noĀ like destroy me and all of mamamooās youāre the best looksĀ were iconic byeĀ and ofccccccc luna in free somebody my all time fave ever
(i got this poster in LA and iām still screaming)
i saidĀ āallā so many times wow but i was gonna do boy groups too but itās fine
4. Favorite fancams? Im a fancam ho I need recs plx.Ā wellll i donāt watch a lot of fancams tbh but i think i have a couple faves? (oops theyāre all my biases too but itās fine)
youtube
wonwoo was so damn soft another soft time and also one of my favorite outfits eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i just love this
youtube
dowoon is so dang cute heās having such a good time and also thE END WATCH THE END YOU WILL NOT REGRET HE MAKES ME SO SOFT A TRUE BEAN
youtube
this one doesnāt need an explanation just that itās illegal... but i do wish they hadnāt cut up the footage so much
5. What are your favorite girl group non title songs, if you donāt have any what are your favorite gg mvs? hmmmmm i really like magic by seohyun, mojito by red velvet (happy 3 years every bunny), next page by twice, babyface by wjsn, u & me by hyuna (does that count sheās a soloist ah), all mine by f(x) uhhhh tbh i mostly listen to title tracks bc iām lazy... i normally donāt listen to full albums unless itās svt, nct or monsta x or astro or a couple others idk i listened to all of wjsn and red velvetās new ones why am i even still talking i should delete this...
6. ok so this was a question Claudent made up in another 8 questions tag that I just love she a brilliant bean! But if you could create your own group drawing from all other groups regardless of companies who would you choose and what would there concept be?Ā whale whale whale iām gonna keep my last plans but add more boys i think : 99line w dancey rap boys such as nct mark lee! svt chan! sf9 hwiyoung! astro rocky! and iāll add wanna one park woojin! now itās an odd number which is perfect! iād like to see them do smth fun and age appropriate:) maybe a refreshing song abt youth and friendship w awesome choreo:D
7. so you are going to a music festival and in this dream world you get to decide all the ppl/groups that are going to be there, who would you choose? It doesnāt just have to be Kpop!Ā wahhhhhh how many groups can i pick i was thinking of adding some non kpop artists i really like but;;;;; honestly;;;; i mean i love the music but also if i could see kpop artists instead iād like it a lot better? florence welsh might be my favorite musician ever ever but w all the other things kpop idols do iād rather see them i think... soooooooo iād choose ofc svt and nct as co-headliners w monsta x, astro, day6, sf9, wanna one, red velvet, twice, oh my girl and aoa !!!! like how good? also this concert would last so long bc they all need to perform like 5-10 songs bc i love them too much okay... oh damn it could be like a festival nd each night two groups perform yayyyy also i need the interactionsā¢
8. If you could have any talent in the world what would you want it to be? I would want to be in anyway musically inclined rip me tbh. well everyone knows iām a language ho so i would want to be able to speak at leasy five different languages akfhlas but idl if thatās really a talent... maybe iād want to be able to write better? or draw that would be so cool~
#tagged#this took#so long#i saved the paragraph abt your bias for last and now i'm crying#anyways thanks for tagging me sister! and thanks for the q's emma even though you didn't know i'd do it lol#watch those fancams tho you won't regret#mir moos
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ok but before I get in the shower I need to tell yall abt the conversation my mother n I had on the way home from work lmao
First we were talking abt friends and she asked abt my one friend that I havenāt talked to in years. He was a trans guy that had a rlly abusive mother and he was pretty suicidal as a result. Anyways, I told her abt how he pretty much abandoned/deactivated his social medias and she was likeĀ āoh no I hope he didnāt kill himself! (etc.)ā n then she was likeĀ āI couldnāt imagine a mom being so horrible that her child would want to kill themselvesā and I was just like... āyeah. yeah Iām sure u donāt. :))))ā
and then she said that her day was terrible and that when she texted her bf he never replied. She told me that she sent him a text that saidĀ āI see ur communication skills r still the same.ā And he was likeĀ āif u keep up that attitude, there wonāt be any communication.ā Like JHSJDFHKSJ, wow, mom. Youāre right, he is a gr8 guy and I should feel terrible for talking shit abt him. :/
Seriously tho, Iāve tried to talk her into leaving him, a lot of ppl have. But she doesnāt listen to anyone, despite breaking up n getting back together over 5 times and despite him being a total loser. Sheāll keep going back untill shit gets real bad, thatās what she did w my dad. Now, I donāt give a shit abt her anymore, sheās hurt me so much during the past year. But when she gets pissed, she takes all her anger out on me. And she gets pissed a lot whenever something happens between her and... himĀ
But there comes a time when u just got to realise that.. you canāt help ppl that canāt help themselves. And my mother certainly does not care to help herself so Iām just gonna let her b miserable. She doesnāt care if Iām miserable so...
ok that turned into a bit of a rant jhdfhhkdaj
Iām just gonna try and relax for the rest of the night, lmao.
#mine#I used to have a great relationship w my mother#it's rlly sad how thats changed but whatever that's life lmao
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ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blogĀ and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly whyĀ
plus a) iāve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and itās gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i canāt talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and iāll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff iām about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasnāt thanks
this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out thatās been bothering me and that iāve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isnāt really for other people to read like. i donāt mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that iām putting down as i think them and i canāt deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i donāt know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me
but iām really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think itās the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol
anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever
honestly iāve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point iām just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what iām thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that itās bc iām like. iāve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff iāll see Hope and that i donāt really want to die and instead want to be āsavedā and to get better and live happily etcetcetc
but like.... thatās not even it like iām? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone iāve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone whoās neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff
like itās not that i hate the world or canāt see the value of life or anything? thatās not it at all
iām honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and iāve crossed over intoĀ āserene acceptanceā
like itās just a fact to me that iām going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when iād do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and iāve always had it in my mind no matter what iām doing or talking about, andĀ it doesnāt make me sad to think about it now that itās not so far away? iām literally sitting here counting down until itās time (iām staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao iāve still got A While) and itās just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and iām actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like iām appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like iām taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk iām sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like iām so calm about it
like a few years ago i wouldāve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like iāve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything iāve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and iād literally be likeĀ āthanks but nah. i think iāll leave anywayāĀ
? like iāve seen the world. iāve tried it out. itās lovely. itās beautiful and i love the people iāve met and i hope iāve made a positive impact on them while iāve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just donāt love being a part of it. itās just....... Not For Me. itās never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. iām so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but itās been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now
and i donāt even want to imagine how much worse iād feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didnāt have thisĀ because iām literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myselfĀ āwell i wonāt have to deal with them for long anymoreā, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via theĀ āonly a little longerā mindset and if i had that taken away from me iād be Destroyed yet againĀ
but like legitimately iāve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on andĀ nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the āoh my god they donāt believe me they think iām lying and making it all up for attentionā and i hate it. and i donāt hate him now bc heās different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sisterās wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and iād really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it
and when i talk about me ādealing w/ anorexiaā i mean thatās literally. like if you donāt have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think itās like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. itās so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if youāre reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, itās so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now iāve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks itāll be until i can next eat something and itās made me bitter and stressed and iāve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you donāt even always lose weight! thatās a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and youāll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc uāll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u havenāt eaten for a month uāll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u arenāt bloated when they see u, bc they might think itās fat! will that mean youāre able to stop starving urself bc you see that itās not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day
and iāve had to drop out of school and iām never going to be able to work or live alone and iām literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so iām literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldnāt i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldnāt i get an option, why shouldnāt i be able to sayĀ āyeah this isnāt for me, i literally donāt remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and itās just not worth it for me, iād quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunityā
like i know thatās selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i canāt do shit because they think iāll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me thatās started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i donāt want to, shouldnāt i be living for myself? shouldnāt that be the whole point? if i donāt want to do that and iāve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other peopleās sakes and iāve found that that just isnāt working out and hasnāt changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why canāt i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you iād like to make this decision for me now)
but vague bitterness aside, iām past theĀ āoh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, iām going to end up killing myself and thatās awful and sad and i wish i wasnāt like thisā stage that lasted literal years and iām in theĀ āyeah iām definitely gonna be doing that, but thatās a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that thereās an Exit in sight and i donāt have to do this for much longerā
and the fact that iām sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing iāve ever said. like i wasnāt even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing iāve been planning and that iāve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that iāll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping iāll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it wonāt be a problem anymore. and like thereās no going back after iāve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, thatās already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age iāll be when theyāre done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as iāve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao iāll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the DelayĀ
and i always thought iād stick around for my irl best friend, thatās how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they werenāt kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like āif iām dead i canāt help them, i canāt say āyou can come to mineā if they ever need to, i wonāt be there to answer if theyāre ever in another situation where they need to call someoneā and iāve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldnāt go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didnāt want to leave them
and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, iām sort of glad i donāt feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now iāve done that and theyāve met new friends and theyāre just. doing so many wonderful things and weāve drifted a little in the sense that i know theyāll be totally fine, iāve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesnāt only make me feel sad anymore? like iām actually so proud of them, iāve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and theyāre all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and itās sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i donāt feel like i need to stay for them, it wonāt really affect their lives if i wasnāt here anymore (and i donāt even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesnāt make me upset to say that anymore, itās literally just another thing iām v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and iām so happy for themĀ
and itās just totally changed the way iām seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, itās great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i donāt see them irl that often anymore, and iām going into this knowing iām very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and itās so strange idk. like itās strange to think that iām going into this and iām going to be looking at them and wondering if iāll see them again before it happens or if thisāll be the last time i do and.Ā like it bothers me a little because they wonāt know and us all meeting up that day wonāt mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but iām trying to let that feel freeing too
idk man everythingās just. iām accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a.Ā āyeah, thatās true, and thatās okay, iām not mad/sad about that anymoreā response from me now because everything is just so much more āwhateverā now that i can tell myself i donāt need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so thereās absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while iām still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can
i used the wordĀ āfreeingā a minute ago and i guess thatās the term iāve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when iāll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and itās just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? thatās not quite the right term but) and iām so determined not to let this get taken from me
#this is incoherent and is very much written for venting purposes#it's LITERALLY me talking to myself for like 15 paragraphs#idk how i'd feel about other people seeing this and this is v much a precarious place to post it lmao#but i have nowhere else and it's been upsetting me & distracting me to be thinking about it constantly#and knowing i can't tell anyone about it and knowing people will react badly and that i can't. share it w anyone like#i've been dealing w it on my own for years & years & it's very!! overwhelming#and i just want somewhere to say it that's not in my own head lmao#like i feel better just knowing it's Somewhere external#i feel like i've sort of finally talked about it without actually talking TO someone about it#which is basically what i needed#mine#anyway if someone is actually fucking bored enough to open what i've essentially just described as a screaming diary#please pay attention to the first few parts because that's the only reason i put them there just in case someone saw them#and. u know. probably don't keep reading if it doesn't sound like something u can agree to
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