#AND they already have to give my sister extra support bc her health is not good (to say the least) atm and she cant work

[discreetmusic]

life is hard and idk what to do

[period-dramallama]

Spanish Princess episode 4 thoughts

In chronological order. With extra swearing!

WE’RE HALFWAY THROUGH AND THERE’S STILL A FUCKTON OF EVENTS THAT HAVEN’T HAPPENED YET AHHHH

-so we open with a voice we’ve never heard before and no visuals on this new person and then Bessie addresses the speaker as Anne so the viewer will automatically think Anne Boleyn, but then it’s Anne Hastings? I’m a history nerd and i was so confused i had to rewind. That’s bad direction/editing, imo. Was it really too hard to film Anne’s lips moving?

-”the blasted yew tree in the gardens” blasted as in by lightning, or as in he wanted to say bloody but can’t because his wife is there and she’s eight?

-”that’s a terrible idea” Catherine that is not how you manipulate Henry! You should be like “but if you make wolsey chancellor :( and archbishop :( he will be so :( overworked :( and it wouldn’t be good for his health :( he has enough to do :( and as he’s archbishop of york :( why shouldn’t he be loyal to you :( in York :)”

-COCKBLOCKED

-something darkly funny about archibald pulling on his clothes in the background like his main concern is not dying naked

-look i love meg but c’mon the rules did stress she’s regent UNTIL she marries like she knew that! it’s not like they hid it in the small print!

-also if you’re having sex on the sly, post guards on your door! with halberds and shit. Preferably Douglas men, so they’ll be less likely to gossip. There should be guards on the doors anyway, that’s how royal palaces work. (Granted, the whole Rizzio situation...)

-Don’t write to catherine, write to a functioning human brain. Wolsey, More, YOUR BROTHER*

*alright, semi-functioning human brain.

- bit rich to blame henry for not helping when you didn’t ask him and went to his wife behind his back instead. Sure, he should have helped anyway, but she could have been smarter about it

-”an army coming in peace, how do I show that?” Never heard of a flag of truce, Henry? Also, there was something in the Borgias about holding a spear that represents invasion

-”she risks your health” bish she said she wanted an army not KoA in preggo armour again

-Compton’s less of a weirdo in this episode. Inconsistency, or maybe he’s a bit more normal with Maggie because they’re now at ease with each other’s company? Yeah no it’s inconsistency isn’t it.

-Thomas More looks so done with everyone’s shit. Me too. I hope he has no more stupid lines, but just looks bored in the background of every single scene. and occasionally the camera cuts to him for a good “i’m surrounded by idiots” face.

-”finer minds than many men I know” yeah but that’s a low bar in this show, everyone’s on stupid pills. Also Wolsey and More were at least cordial IRL. There was mutual respect between the two, even tho they didn’t agree politically all the time. Then again, Wolsey is evil in this ‘verse, and the real TM was an ally of the queen, so...i guess they can death glare now.

-”I would have thought court politics no longer surprised you” “tell the scriptwriters that.”

-”you are too good for us all” just because someone loves their kids and thinks toadying is gross, it doesn’t make them superior lmao. It’s called being normal.

-Maggie Pole: ugh the court is full of schemers and manipulators they’re all disgusting

also Maggie: *manipulates Compton’s emotions, albeit for partly selfless reasons*

-like I get it, I like that she’s using her brain, she has good reasons for the scheme even though it’s dishonest, I get that she wants to break up her betrothal as well, but she could be less black-and-white in her view of court politics.  It feels like whiplash when both scenes are in the same episode. 

-the court feels less depopulated this episode. That’s one good thing. It feels like an actual institution.

-Georgie Henley’s poor back... she is the saving grace of this episode. She can do so much with just her facial expressions. 

-”I will not be my sister” bold of you to think you can ever be as cool as your sister, Catherine.

-Maggie you were doing so well at not wearing that stupid blue hood thingy. Bring back the halfway decent green one.

-”Wolsey is shameless in his machinations” look I can forgive the dudes being rude about Wolsey- they’re the king’s BFFs, they can be as rude as they like. You, otoh, Maggie, are on thin fucking ice. Don’t say that, at normal volume, at the dinner table. Where Wolsey’s like two seats away from you!

-Thomas More whispering like he’s David Attenborough in a nature documentary. At least he knows to keep his fucking voice down.

-”it’s late you should go home,” Ah, yes, Tudor London. Famous for being a place where a woman could safely travel through pitch black streets all on her own while wearing extremely expensive clothes and jewellery. You mean to tell me she can’t sleepover on banquet night? FFS.

-”we can’t be together” someone tell this couple that they can hang out without arguing or having sex. Play chess. Play cards. Play hungry hungry hippos, i don’t care.

-oh look catherine’s practical for 2 hot seconds.

-”you bog dwelling fuckers” THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE EPISODE’S TITLE, WE WERE MCROBBED!

-she-wolf is not a compliment! She’d be offended! Call her a lioness if you want to praise her...y’know because the lion is England’s emblem??

-”Sir Compton” this is literally a mistake bad fanfic writers make.

-Maggie being cunning! Yay! I would never see that coming bc she’s a dumbass for the other 23 hours of the day.

-Bessie already being Henry’s mistress but she still genuinely helps and supports Catherine in her confinement and during the birth and looks genuinely stressed when things go wrong, when she could just be downstairs dancing and having fun with Henry like Anne Hastings is...Bessie I love you ditch Henry and elope with me instead

-DROP THE FLAMING TORCH LINA JFC

-do you have a clue how flammable tudor buildings are? Don’t run with it like it’s the fucking Olympics.

-So the heir is so important Catherine has to go into confinement, but you don’t keep midwives 24/7 in her chamber, on standby? 

-”Prince Charles has a ring to it” I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

-Bessie’s face when the baby’s a girl...comedy gold.

-”I’ll speak with someone who sees sense” you’ll be looking a long time, Meg

-the issue should be Compton kissing a married noblewoman. Nobody would give a flying fuck if it was a married washerwoman.

-’flowers of England’ :) yes they are :)

-”if i had 100 men with a heart like yours I could have conquered the world” that’s actually an excellent pick-up line you DILF now use it on someone who deserves it

-Tourette’s syndrome confirmed!

-dirty baby nappies go in a laundry basket you freaks

-why is the Queen of England carrying washing to a laundry? why why why why?

-also the king of england would not have sex in a laundry. Looks dark, damp, cold, probably smells. AND IT WOULD BE FULL OF WASHERWOMEN AT ALL TIMES. Laundry in those days was a big chore, especially for a laundry that has to wash the entire court’s fancy clothes. You could have just had them banging outside in the grounds where there’s pretty flowers and green grass and then catherine of aragon could turn the corner and spot them. He doesn’t have to hide his adultery, he can have bessie brought to his rooms as usual. 

[kingneptunesthinninghead]

In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? i love me some mcdonald’s fries.

Are there hurricanes where you live? they happen every once in a while

What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. same

What song are you listening to right now? nothing but catch fire by 5sos is stuck in my head.

What was your first concert? brad paisley 🤠.

What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? willy wonka and the chocolate factory

Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. probably same

Do you like pumpkin pie? it’s about the only pie i DO like.

Do you know anyone named Austin? no one i like

Do you know anyone who is having a baby? my friend just gave birth to a baby about a week ago

What was the last thing you cried about? i cried in the car on the way home from work last night while listening to jet black heart lmaooo.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? i dont drink milk.

Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. agreed, i’m conflict avoidant to a fault

How many deep dark secrets do you have? i dont think i have any

What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? the hot wings from bonchon were pretty f’n spicy

Who last called you sexy? i dont remember

Would you class yourself as a good role model? i think for the most part

Are you scared of the dark? sometimes i am

Do you have a motto? nah.

Who did you last see on webcam? my club committee from school

Do you need a haircut? i just got one about a month ago so not atm

How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? that would be impossible considering she’s in menopause and has her tubes tied

You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? no one i hate facebook

Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? most of the time alone but sometimes i’ll exercise with my sister or in a structured workout class

What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? any bc i suck at video games

Ever watch the show Supernatural? nope

Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? i’ve heard of it but never tried it

Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? i went thru hardcore icarly and victorious phases, also LOVED spongebob

Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? sometimes i’ll do bacon on mine

When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? the length of a book has never deterred me from reading it, ever.

Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? maybe

Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? not to toot my own horn but me

Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? no

When is the last time you cried? didnt i already answer this

Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? mm prob not

What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? i guess marvel and space would count

Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? no but i’ve attended several weddings of people who have quickly divorced

What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? raising them to be a good well adjusted person.

Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? prob not

Would you ever be a surrogate mother? nope

What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? i would love having that strong of a bond with someone and having someone to go thru life with but i would also feel like i never had anything that was truly mine esp in early childhood

Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? my childhood was great compared to a lot of peoples and i’m extremely thankful for that

How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? i would feel betrayed that i’d lied to for 20 years

Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? not that i know of and again i would feel crushed and betrayed

Do you like cleaning and organizing? when i’m in the mood for it

How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? i would definitely be upset bc i want to have at least one biological kid but in the end i would find just as much joy from adopting a child and giving them a loving home.

Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? it depends on what other factors are in my life at the time

Have you ever been robbed? no

Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? my friend at college and that’s not even a joke that’s genuine. i think he’s getting the help he needs tho which is good

Have you ever dumped anyone? no

What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. same it tastes like dish water

Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. same

What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? omg i still remember this bc i was blown away by how sweet it was. so in 9th grade i had one friend in my pe class and idek how we started talking but we just stuck by each other bc we didn’t have anyone else and we sat at our own table right by the teacher’s desk in health class and we actually became pretty close friends throughout the year well anyway i mentioned my birthday was coming up and she asked me what i wanted and i was like no you don’t have to and she was like do you want flowers and i was like sure why not and i didn’t think she was gonna actually do it but then on my birthday she shows up to health class with these beautiful purple flowers and i was so shocked that she actually got them for me so yeah i’ve never forgotten that ever. she moved away after that year and i never saw her again but i hope she’s doing well

What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? straight but i have questioned before.

Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? nothing too wild

Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: bored, content, excited

And the reasons for these feelings? bored bc i’m at work, content bc i like the way my life is going rn, excited bc i get to go back to school and see all my college friends soon.

How do you feel about your life right now? pretty pleased at the moment

Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? no. it’s a conscious choice to like yourself that you have to make everyday and some days that choice is easier to make than others

What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. agree with this, i’m very good at english and i understand some science

What subjects do not? MATH

Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? fiction but sometimes i like a good non fiction book.

How has today been for you? pretty good nothing too exciting

What did you do? watched tv and went to work

Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? no

Are there any lava lamps near you? nope.

Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. agree i have 4

Are any of your friends a pothead? yes, several

What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? start working out consistently again and get into therapy.

Are you a high maintenance person? nope

The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? i was at a karaoke night

Have you ever been heartbroken? yep

Who did that to you? my ex crush

Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? ohhhh yeah

The last type of sandwich you made or ate: a ham and cheese sandwich with pepperoni and mayo

The last time you spent most of the day in bed: when i was at school and i had stayed up until 6am the night before.

The last friend or acquaintance you made: my coworker

The last thing you took pictures of: a rainbow

The last time you were scared: when i thought a car was following me the other night

The last thing you looked up online: manic panic hair dye.

The last thing you disagreed with: i don’t remember.

Does your house have a separate laundry room? yep

Do your parents still help you financially? yes, a lot

Does your car have a backup camera? nope.

Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? not to where they’ve been arrested

Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? my childhood cat lived to be 18 which was pretty impressive.

What was the last strong scent you smelled? my cat’s fart

Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? no way

Is your bed against more than one of your walls? nope

Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? um yes some people i know have dilfs i’m sorry

Have you ever pole danced before? no

Have you ever broken into someone’s house? no.

Have you ever seen a live bat? yup at a beach house in the obx

What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? i bought bonchon for my friends and i one time which was just about $100

Have you ever taken a woodshop class? no

How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? as little time as possible.

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? i had one math teacher in high school that consistently made me feel dumb bc i needed extra help to understand the concepts and couldn’t do mental math that fast so didnt like her

Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? closest i’ve been was second row

Are your parents supportive of you? yep

[kae-karo]

[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear

[noctomania]

I know i complain a lot about this & i know i may not know everything but what i do know has just continued to piss me off.

I used to use this tumblr partially just to rb stuff but also to dump shit that was on my mind kinda like a livejournal (i used to have one). I liked having it out in the open so that if ppl out there were going through something similar they could see they weren't alone in experience or in having no idea of what to do. For the past few years every time i wanted to do that i had to second guess myself bc my stepmom thought it was ok to find my blog & creep on it without letting me know until she came across something she wasn't happy with. After she told me that, i tried to change as much in my privacy settings, short of deleting my blog entirely, to prevent her from snooping if she wasn't going to respect me. I still don't know if any of it worked. For all i know she could still be.

My mind is often plagued by the time I was reaching out to my parents when i was facing homelessness, like serious homelessness. Not the summer homelessness i had already been enduring for the 5yrs prior. I'm talking i couldn't get a full time job & was barely surviving on part time work at Marshall's for minimum wage & no benefits. Im talking i was lucky i had any savings left over after college bc most got ate up - literally. Im talking i worked through college to feed myself, PLUS was an RA to cover housing fees, plus a full time student. My first apartment i was living in a large closet. As a sublet. Paying twice as much rent as i should have been. And got robbed a half a months rent.

When i was already reaching out to social services i also reached out to my parents for advice. I said nothing about money nothing about moving onto their couch. Just guidance. They came back at me with "we can't help you". They made it seem like i was asking them to carry me. I felt at that point the only option i had with what experience i had was to run away back to school. Which meant literally doubling the debt i already had. The only reason i wasn't paying into the debt at the time was i was literally too poor to.

Going back to school was great i terms of i had money finally & got to move back to salem & afford living alone. But if you're running away TO school...you don't want to go to school you want to run away. I wasn't ready, i was just desperate. So the plan failed, i failed, i ran away again. I was exceptionally "lucky" this place had jobs open.

But what im on about tonight is the info i found about my parents & their money. Now mind you when i say my parents i mean my dad & his wife. My real mom been dead long time. SHE was poor. SHE raised my sister & i primarily alone. We had food bank & food stamps & free/reduced breakfast lunch & hand-me-downs from neighbors. That's how I grew up. So when my stepmom tried to deny that we grew up poor I cut her out of my life. Haven't spoken to her in years & only just spoke to my dad for first time in years my last birthday. I sadly regret taking the call bc it was just "when you gonna move your stuff out". After years of not talking. All he could think about was that. My stuff which mind you they stuffed into a corner of a mouse-infested garage so inevitably a lot of my stuff is now rat-nestings. They couldn't spare a single one of their several fuckin rooms IN THE HOUSE.

Tonight i was bored & thought what if i can look up info on how much they couldn't help me when i was broke. Turns out they make over 220k a yr, with AT MOST one employee besides themselves to pay (didn't even pay them enough imo) & pay thousands in property taxes for property they do literally nothing with & for a house with FIVE FUCKIN BEDROOMS AND THREE BATHROOMS FOR JUST THE TWO OF THEM TO LIVE THERE & NEVER INVITE ANYONE OVER BC THEY HATE COMPANY. That is their SECOND house mind you (last i checked with my dad they are looking at buying their third jfc). But they couldn't help their own child. And yes I understand running a private business costs money. I also understand that they don't get weekly checks, it's all depending on what cases they can get/win. They always acted like they had less money than they do though. Many years they worked out of the house so there was no extra rent to pay. I've been working in my current job for over 5yrs & I am just now finally making 35k/yr after many union fights.

I can't find it in my heart to forgive them. Had mom still been alive she would have stripped their small intestines right out of their ass for turning a cold shoulder. They didn't offer any advice or help when I asked except dad tell me to sign up for the military. Which goes to show how much they actually thought about me considering I am not allowed to join the military even if I wanted to bc I am transgender. I know for a fact bc i did still have to sign up for selective service when I applied for a loan for grad school & they sent a letter back rejecting me. But I still got to sign up for the debt 🥴 It was further disturbing considering my parents have always been very anti-military. It felt like a real "go fuck yourself" response & I've never been able to shake that or been able to properly explain to them how that felt. They don't get it & they don't care bc they think it's"good for me" or "builds character". I don't think either of them have ever faced the experience my sister & esp I have. Their standards seemed to revolve only around what they wanted me to do & not at all around what I need. But had the audacity to criticize politicians doing the same thing.

The work they do is great, & I'm proud of that. They've fought to provide social security & disability support to those who need it. But what sense does it make that you're more willing to help strangers than you are your own family?

They never even visited me up here. Not once.

I hate this country i hate my family i hate money i hate bullshit. All that i care about are cats/nature, food, & weed. Everything else is a waste of my patience. And i know there are ppl out there doing good things doing right by those they love, but that shit doesn't "heal" me like it does everyone else. Basic kindness shouldn't be such a commodity.

I've spent every year ive been working here saving as much money as I can without completely neglecting myself. I've had set backs primarily due to my health. But as far as i see it I am the only safety net i have at this point. I have no life. I don't even know how to have a life anymore. Quarantine didn't even phase me bc I already had no life to give up & still had to show up to work like regular.

It's no fuckin wonder ive had so much suicidal ideation over the years, I've nowhere I feel I can turn where i feel 100% trust.

AND I'M PRIVILEGED AF. I am white, I have a steady job & a union, I am making more money more consistently than I ever have before. Getting here has been hell & terrifying. Being shown that my parents really aren't there for me, finding out that I'm actually terribly alone in the world, & literally just having to double down on being my own best friend. It definitely ices the heart & cuts the elasticity of the tolerance.

Part of me really wants to just lay into them for this bullshit. But other part of me is like what for? If they would feel bad they should already. But they don't & won't. So I just gotta move on & ignore their calls.

[mental-health-advice]

i cant sleep rn so im here to vent. my older sister killed herself almost a month ago now. she left a letter and everytime i think about it it just makes me so sad. she had a lot of problems and everyone around her was trying to help her, but in the end she never believed she could get better. it just makes me so sad bc i used to be depressed and suicidal too but i got better over time. i wish so bad that she could've gotten better too but there's nothing we can do now. #blackf0x

i keep having insomnia and overthinking and always end up thinking about my sister. it's driving me crazy but i don't know what to do anymore. i don't wanna vent to my closed ones anymore because I've probably already bothered them too much with this and it's not like there's anything anyone can do so what's the point. i don't know i just wanna move on i guess and i hate being sad again. i fell back into depression and idk how long I'll be stuck in it. it's really frustrating. #blackf0x 

i didn't plan on writing this much so I'm sorry for not writing down numbers or anything. but. my mom screamed when she found her. i keep thinking about it and reliving that day and just. idk. i wish i could scream too sometimes but i can't. i don't know i guess I'm just tired and sad and everything is frustrating. #blackf0x

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through right now, this must be such a hard time for you. I’m glad that you felt able to reach out to us for help and I hope I’ll be able to provide you with some advice or even just reassurance. 

It is important to remember that grieving is a long process, one that everyone experiences differently, so I cannot give you a fool-proof method on how to overcome it; however, it is really important that you focus on yourself at this time, and find the healthiest coping mechanisms you can. Like I said, the grieving process is different for everyone, but I do want to share some things that have helped me to deal with grief. Firstly, was writing - writing a letter to a loved one, including how you are feeling, daily activities, about memories the two of you shared… writing can help you to talk about things you never got to express in person, and it is also just good to be able to let out some of the emotions and negative energy you may be experiencing. I also found that carrying out activities that I used to do with my loved one when they were alive was super therapeutic; this could be gardening or jigsaws. Anything the two of you did together can help you to still feel close to them, whilst also letting you realise that you can still do these things alone and that you can overcome the loss. I am linking you here to our page about grief, and also here to our youtube video about it. Hopefully, these will explain everything I have tried to say in a little more detail and answer any other questions you may have.

Something you may consider is talking this through with someone, either a family member, friend, or professional. A counsellor or therapist could be really beneficial for you; they can help you to process your feelings and validate them, making you feel less alone, and allowing you to express any emotions you have about things which you do not feel okay to share with your friends and/or family. They will also hopefully be able to support you through the stages of grief. Does this sound like something you may want to try? Here is our page about getting help, lovely.

If you can, I think it’s important that you take some extra time to check in with yourself and care for your mental health right now - sometimes losing someone we love, or even just seeing them struggle with something we once did, can cause us to struggle again. So, if you need to, please consider reaching out to someone for professional help. Further, just taking time to practise some self-care can really help us to care for our mental health. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself; fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and at peace. For example, I take the two hours before I go to sleep and try it fill that time with things like art and music, I’ll also take the time to have a bath, wash my hair, look after my skin, etc. Practising self-care also involves things like making sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying hydrated. I know how hard it can be to look after yourself when you are struggling with mental health issues, but it really does make such a difference, even if you just run a face wipe over your face and brush your hair. Sometimes a little thing like that which helps you feel better on the outside can switch things a little so you feel better inside too!

Something you mentioned really struck a chord with me, the whole wanting to scream but feeling like you can’t. I totally understand this feeling (although not for the same reasons), there have been times when I’ve been so full of negative emotions and energy and all I want to do is scream and cry and let them out, but I felt like I couldn’t do that. Turns out, you 100% can! My therapist at the time was super supportive of just letting yourself get that negative energy out in the form of a scream or punching a pillow or tearing up paper. Find some way that you can let out that negative energy in a healthy way and I really think that it will help you to find some inner peace!

I hope this has been of some use to you, lovely. Please remember that you can always get back in touch with us if there is anything else that we can help you with! I wish you all the best. Take care!

‘‘Keep fighting, people, and your little monsters will never get the best of you.’

Rhiann xo