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bidotorg · 3 years ago

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Musician, Scientist, and Activist. Meet Carlos Castaño.

My name is Carlos Castaño. I was born on April 16th, 1987 in Béjar, a small town near Salamanca (Spain). However, I’ve been living in Madrid for the last 12 years where I work as a Ph.D. scientist researching molecular biology. I love movies, books, nature, and music. I actually play the keyboard and sing in a rock band called Me Quito el Cráneo!

Turns out, I am also bisexual. This took me a lot of time to figure out and the bisexual group of COGAM (an LGBT association from Madrid) was very relevant in this process. Having a safe place where bi people could just be themselves showed me what bisexuality really was and allowed me to embrace my identity and live my life to its fullest. I started my bi activism in this group, which I am currently coordinating with other bi activists.

In time, I joined the bisexual area of FELGTB (Spanish LGBT Federation), which is one of Spain’s main LGBT organisations made of LGBT groups from all over Spain. Here, I was part of the group of bi activists coordinating FELGTB Bisexual Visibility Year in 2016, which increased bi visibility in Spain. This was the first time I came out as bisexual publicly (in national papers or TV news). It was very, very scary, but also, very rewarding in the end. At the moment I am part of the FELGTB main board, a team made of nine LGBT activists from different areas of Spain working to improve the life of LGBT people from Spain and the rest of the world.

How long have you been out and who was the hardest person to tell?

I’ve been out for four years and a half.

The hardest person to tell was probably my mother, even though she and my father had raised me in an open-minded environment. At first, she did not understand what being bisexual was and she accepted me nonetheless. This acceptance increased when, bit by bit, I explained to her about bisexuality, bi-erasure, and so on. This made me so happy.

Who is your bi icon?

My bi icons are the Spanish bi activists that worked before me. They paved the way so my activism and my life would be much easier than it was for them. And of course, the bi activists that are currently working all over Spain to fight biphobia and increase bi visibility.

What is your greatest extravagance or indulgence?

I've got plenty of those but I would say that my greatest extravagance is that sometimes, when I am alone with my husband, we speak to each other using some sort of a made-up cat language (just using “meows”) and, oddly enough, we understand each other! It’s super weird!

As for my indulgence, I use to eat food that I like as a reward for the work that I do, so on Saturdays, after a looong week, I often eat a large dish of pasta with cheese and Lea & Perrins sauce using my mum’s recipe.

What do you like most about yourself?

I can multitask! I am a scientific researcher, a musician, a writer, and an activist. I think that’s cool… and a bit exhausting.

What was your last post on social media?

Two tweets saying how much I loved the movie Ralph Breaks the Internet and how I probably enjoyed it more than the kids that were watching it.

Where would you most like to live?

I love Madrid. I got everything I need in this city… although sometimes I miss the countryside where I grew up… but I can get to my hometown by car in less than three hours and enjoy nature.

Would you like to be famous? If so, for what?

My only ambition is to sleep eight hours a day, which I rarely do, even on weekends! I think being famous would demand less sleeping for me, so no thanks!

What do you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 18?

That studying a lot, getting a degree, a master and even a Ph.D. would not necessarily get me a good job. I would tell myself “stay away from science, lad!!!”.

What are you the most grateful for today?

My family, my friends, and my husband.

If you could change any one thing about the way you were raised, what would it be?

I wouldn’t change that much. I was lucky enough that my parents always told me that I would be loved no matter who I loved. Of course, they never taught me that bisexuality was a thing, but then, they didn’t know!

If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or skill, what would you choose?

I would love to have the ability to sleep whenever I wanted, for the exact time that I wanted. That would be awesome.

What’s your fandom?

I love way too many fictional stories or characters that I find inspiring and have contributed to my view of the world. For example, I love Doctor Who because of the witty anti-violence and feminist stories, or the Final Fantasy videogame series as they have some of my favourite stories and characters, especially Yuna from Final Fantasy X.

What trophy or prize do you most covet?

I don’t recall winning any trophies in my life, to be honest! Does a Ph.D. fellowship count as some kind of prize? If so, this definitely the prize I most covet!

What is something you remember fondly that someone who is now a baby will not grow up with or understand from personal experience?

Jokes from Monkey Island or The Simpsons that some younger people than me don’t understand. How can they communicate without using jokes from The Simpsons!?

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Courage, probably.

What stereotype about bi people annoys you the most in your own life?

I just hate the stereotype that says that bi men are actually gay men in denial, or that bi women are just straight women “playing." It is oftentimes used as a joke in a very harmful way because it shames people’s internalized biphobia or/and homophobia. When you think about it, it’s incredibly cruel.

Your house is on fire and all people and animals are already out and safe. You get a chance to run back in safely and save a single possession. What would it be?

Nah, I think that I would enjoy the company of the people and animals that are out and safe! It’s not like I don’t care for my possessions but, my favourite music I can find on Spotify, my favourite books are in my ebook (and could be retrieved if my device broke), most of the video games I own I have already finished so I wouldn’t need to buy them again. After moving a lot from house to house I’ve learned not to accumulate much, or I will suffer the consequences when I have to leave one house and move to the next. And it’s not like I (or most people my age) can afford a house in Madrid so…

Who’s your favorite bi character?

Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Torchwood.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, living or from history, with whom would you want to sit down and have dinner?

I believe that we often have these fantasies of meeting some celebrity or person from history that we admire. However, I have the theory that these role models are idealized, so it is highly likely that we would be disappointed when finally meeting them. Therefore, I’d rather have dinner with someone I have already met and admire. My answer is definitely my late grandfather and grandmother.

What is the best thing about being bi?

Being bi is like being a double agent. You know that what most people think about dating men or women is wrong. For example, straight men that complain about how difficult is to communicate with the women they date don’t know that this also happens when men date men. Having dated men that see and treat you as an object helped me to understand painfully well everything that my female friends were complaining about all the time. It gives you a great gender perspective and an out-of-the-binary view of the world that I find very rewarding. Of course, being bi does not necessarily make me a better person but I feel that all that I have learned from my bisexuality may help make the world a better place.

*If you are interested in being featured as part of bi.org What Bi Looks Like series, please fill out the form here.

#bi #bisexual #bisexuality #bi pride #bi visibility #what bi looks like #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #queer

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pizzagrlmeetsboy1980 · 4 years ago

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So many people have given me feed back on the Alan and Sarah have 4 evil children AU so I made some more vignettes!

How Alan responded each time to Sarah telling him she was pregnant.

Oliver: Was absolutely elated. It meant he would appear as a family man and would be more likely to get re-elected.

Marie: Was overjoyed. Didn’t know he was going to be ousted though. Was in awe that he had a girl and liked that she looked like Sarah from day 1

Constance: Was happy, told Sarah that this was it. No more children. Was hoping that this would be another boy, but was happy none the less.

Grace: A surprise! He was furious. How could Sarah be so forgetful?! How hard is it to take a damn pill?! Another child, it threw his plans completely out of whack and that new yacht he was wanting would have to wait. However the moment he first held Grace he knew she was going to be special. But no more. Sarah’s getting her tubes tied.

...

Connie: Honestly, what kind of night vision goggles are these?! I can’t see a thing!!

Gervais: *takes them and looks at them* These are regular binoculars..

Connie: Then why is Dad always using them at night?..

-Awkward silence from all of them-

Connie:...Oh.

...

Oliver: *dangling keys at Marie* Do you need a ride home or is your trust-fund prince taking you to the local stupor?

Marie: I never should have pulled you out of the pool that one time..

...

Leslie( Pier’s and Clarissa’s middle child. 14): I worked all summer for these arms! Why won’t Constance notice them?

Oliver: You shouldn’t have stopped. You look like a potted plant that’s barren.. also you’re never going to get my parents permission to date my most problematic sister. *lights a cigarette*

Leslie: Why not?!

Oliver: *takes a drag* Because my father hates The Gentry. Sir Leslie. He hates it when blokes just get handed things without working for them.

Girl: Oliver!...Here. I did your biology homework.

Oliver: Aww..thank you, Darling. Shall I see you at lunch?

Girl: Sure..*giggles and walks on*

Leslie: Who was that?

Oliver: Hell if I know.

...

-A girl has threatened to beat up Connie for running her mouth. Leslie is trying to save her but it does not go as planned-

Leslie: ...Honestly why must we fight, ladies? We are the children of the most powerful people in Great Britain. What on earth could we possibly want for? After all Neville Chamberlain once said : “I am myself a man of peace to the depths of my soul. Armed conflict between nations is a nightmare to me; but if I were convinced that any nation had made up its mind to dominate the world by fear of its force, I should feel that it must be resisted...”

-Girl punches him in the gut and falls to the ground-

-Oliver steps over him-

Oliver: Yes, but Winston Churchill said: “Those who can win a war well can rarely make a good peace, and those who could make a good peace would never have won the war."...You have a mean right hook. I like that. Oliver B’Stard. Future MP, current president of the Senior Cla-

-Girl knees him in the groin, he’s now on the floor with Leslie. Both groaning-

The girl’s father has requested to speak with Alan and Sarah.

Alan: “There is no need to fuss. We will have a civilized discussion..Pay attention, Oliver this is how -adults- handle things.”

Oliver: “If her parents are anything like her you might want to keep a reasonable distance. I’m still recovering...oh..here Mum..”

-Oliver reaches into his pants and pulls out a bag of frozen peas-

Sarah: Here. Thaw out these carrots while you’re at it. -hands him the bag and he slides them under his belt making a tiny noise of relief-

-Sometime later-

Girl’s father: As a doctor I can tell you it would be in your incredibly unstable child’s best interest if she were immediately sedated sent to a personal care home.

Oliver: -Watching from the stairs with his siblings. chuckles. Knowing how this will end now. Accepts the bag of popcorn Connie gives him-

Alan: Oh really? It’s my understanding that your child is jealous of mine. I mean...look at my wife...look at me..she comes from incredible stock. She’s going to be naturally beautiful and popular..if ..a bit of a late bloomer..

Constance: -offended gasp-

Girl’s Father: You know what? All of your children are spoiled, problematic derelicts and they’ve done nothing but bring the academy into a further social decline since they arrived!

Sarah: -stands up- ...I would tread lightly, Doctor..you’re standing in a mansion full of guns, explosive devices and illegal immigrant ex-assassins from Russia working as our house staff...

Marie: I thought there was something off about Mrs.Gorbachev..

Girl’s Father: I knew you B’Stard’s were evil but raising children to be evil?...I‘lol report you all to the school board...

Alan:...Now now..let’s not get hasty...-Alan reaches into his jacket-

Connie: Aw here it comes. I bet it’ll be 12,000

Marie: No more than 10

Oliver: He’s made Dad pretty mad. I say 3

Grace: I think it’s a gun. -points at Alan having a gun-

Oliver:..Well. That’s certainly new.

Sarah is watching Grace play with William, Pier’s youngest son who is one year older than Grace.

Sarah: Alan...come here. Look at Grace playing with William Fletcher-Dervish.

Alan: Another one? They just keep spawning like Sea lamprey..

Sarah: Watch her. She’s being incredibly demanding and bossy. I don’t like that one bit..

Alan: Oh dear, I wonder who she inherited -that- from.

-She glares at him-

Alan: But I can see your point...She won’t attract a husband with that attitude.

Sarah: She’s seven years old!

Alan: And that’s my point, we’ve got to get on this NOW, Sarah. I mean by the time she turns 21 who knows what society will look like. We have to have submissive conservative women or the Tories will die out!

....

One of their children is in trouble

Alan:...Alright Sarah. Which one is it?

Sarah: It’s Oliver.

Alan: Oliver?! He’s the good one! I mean..Marie will probably get pregnant before she’s 21, Connie will marry the first bloke that gives her attention and Grace will probably be in prison before she’s 13 for money laundering or leading an organized crime syndicate. He’s the only one that has a future!

Sarah: Alan! Surely you have more faith in your daughters than that.

Alan:...I would if it were legal to keep them at home until I find suitable husbands for them. That was the plan when I was Protector..BUT NoOoOoooo. This is the 20th century women are “liberated”. They get to pick their -own- husbands.

Sarah: Do you know who you sound like?....My father. You forget..I got to pick you...*rubs noses with him*

Alan: *pushes her away* I’ve had a bitch of a day, Sarah. Don’t tell me things like that....and our marriage was a strategic masterpiece, Darling. I only hope Oliver finds -his- Sarah one day...hopefully one that doesn’t try to kill him all the time. I’d like my name to live on.

Sarah: I’m only stating the truth, Darling. Just admit it. You’re protective over them. It’s okay to love them. I love them...sometimes.

Alan:...*sighs...running a hand over his face* ....What did he do?...

Sarah: He was caught in the girl’s locker room. Showering with the girl’s field hockey team.

*Alan grins and nods approvingly*

*Sarah crosses her arms and rolls her eyes*

Alan: Oh, that’s just a healthy growing boy’s habit, Darling. I was doing the same thing at his age. Except I showered with the future homemakers club. A conservative boy’s fantasy come true...

Sarah: You were showering with them because they couldn’t tell you were a BOY.

Alan: Your point? I still got to see 12 naked girls all at once.

...

Sarah: Marie...that Diamond bracelet is lovely where did you get it?

Marie: Oh. I bought it with the money Daddy gave me to breakup with Brian.

Sarah: Aah. I see. Seems it wasn’t serious as you thought?

Marie: Oh no. I really just wanted this bracelet and I knew you and Daddy would never give me the money to get it so I fake-dated Brian Crippen and poof!...Bribe money. Bracelet. Pity though I don’t think I’ll be able pull it off twice

Sarah:...Marie...That’s ..brilliant. I’m so proud.

#the new statesman #au #alan b’stard #sarah B’Stard #fankids #Rik Mayall

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heresince93 · 5 years ago

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Gillian Anderson Sunday Times Interview Transcript

There is a moment in the second series of Netflix’s Sex Education when Gillian Anderson’s character, Jean, sighs a deep resigned sigh as she is lying in bed one morning and spots the messy pile of small change her latest lover, Jakob, has left on her bedside table.

It’s my favourite moment of this uplifting show about the tangled love lives of British secondary school teens that manages to appeal to both parents and adolescents alike. Anderson plays the outrageously inappropriate sex therapist Jean Milburn, a stylish, confident single mother.

The sight of those coins will resonate with any woman of Anderson’s age and stage of life (she is 51), whatever kind of relationship they are in.These pennies, a symbol of how untidy life gets and the constant imposing presence of someone else even when they aren’t in the room, represent for Jean the gradual realisation that the excitement of a new love soon becomes tempered by the boring bits.

For those of us who have been married a while, the coins are perhaps the equivalent of the dull domesticity of picking up the shirt always dropped on the floor or the wet towels you always end up refolding after your teens have left them near but not on the bathroom radiator. Anderson and I chat about this a lot when we meet to talk about the second series of Sex Education, given that we are both working mothers in our early fifties.

The actress, who is most recognised for her role as Scully in The X-Files, is twice divorced and has three children, Piper, 25, Oscar, 13, Felix, 11, all of whom live with her in London. Her partner of three years is the playwright, screenwriter and creator of The Crown, Peter Morgan, himself a father of five.

In person Anderson is chatty and witty, aloof and friendly at the same time, a peculiarly feline trait that I often encounter in driven, confident women who have reached midlife. Tell me about Jakob and the coins, I say, what is it like starting a new relationship in your forties, compared with your twenties?

“It’s very different,” she says. “I think you are more fully formed, especially if you have taken time out of previous relationships to find yourself.

“Early on after the break-up of my last relationship and before my current one, somebody encouraged me to write a list of needs and wants in a future partner. Needs are non-negotiable. If you go on a date with someone and realise they won’t meet, say, three of those needs, then they are not the person for you. It may last as a relationship, but it won’t make you happy. Wants are easier, not more frivolous per se, but easier to deliver. Doing this made it clear to me going forward who would be good for me in a relationship.

“And there is a new creativity nowadays to what a relationship should look like, too. For instance, my partner and I don’t live together. If we did, that would be the end of us. It works so well as it is, it feels so special when we do come together. And when I am with my kids, I can be completely there for them. It’s exciting. We choose when to be together. There is nothing locking us in, nothing that brings up that fear of ‘Oh gosh, I can’t leave because what will happen to the house, how will we separate?’. I start to miss the person I want to be with, which is a lovely feeling. And it is so huge for me to be able to see a pair of trousers left lying on the floor at my partner’s house and to step over them and not feel it is my job to do something about it!”

I’ve never interviewed a celebrity who, even though she is wearing heels (little pointy white boots) is still shorter than me (I’m barely 5ft 2in), but Anderson is tiny. This is only important to note, I think, because her roles since Dana Scully have been so big and so powerful: Blanche in A Street Car Named Desire and Margo Channing in All About Eve on stage; Lady Mountbatten in the film Viceroy’s House; Stella Gibson in The Fall; and now Jean Milburn.

I wonder if she is perhaps filed under “tricky, unpredictable, charismatic, spiky, intelligent and fearless woman” in the casting director’s directory of suitable roles. After all, her next part is going to be Margaret Thatcher (in The Crown). And when she arrives for our chat in the closed Chinese restaurant of a central London hotel, she apologises for the sticky mess in her hair caused by wearing the Iron Lady’s wig the previous day. Her nails are manicured pale pink like Thatcher’s too.

“She had a condition that meant two fingers of each hand would curl around — Reagan had it too — so it affected her gestures and she would wear lots of rings and bracelets to distract. But she kept her nails long, which is how I have to keep them now,” Anderson says. She is fascinated by Thatcher, concluding, after studying her childhood, that “nobody ever existed like her. She was unique.”

Anderson might be unique herself, and despite giving many interviews (three last year), I see that she has been smart and managed to remain a bit of an enigma. When I listen back to the tape, she is very good at general talk, but not so hot on specifics.

She spent her early years in north London with her American parents before going back to Michigan for high school. She was a teenage punk plagued by panic attacks that have continued to trouble her over the years, particularly during her intense work schedule on The X-Files. She went into therapy at 14, then became world famous at 25, and had her first child at 26 (the same age her parents had her, before going on to have her two siblings 12 years later). She split up with her first husband three years after that.

In 2011 she endured the death of her brother, Aaron, aged 30, from a brain tumour, which she rarely discusses. She is an impressive activist, campaigning for a variety of issues including women’s rights in Afghanistan, Burma, South Africa, Uganda and South America. There are 10 charities she has worked with listed on her website, and in 2017 she co-wrote We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere, a well-received book of advice for women. She has also designed two small fashion collections for Winser London, which include some gorgeous silky blouses. I found I had three in my wardrobe without knowing they were hers.

She is a Bafta nominee and Golden Globe winner, and Neil Gaiman, who cast her in the TV series of his book American Gods, said: “She is in this strange place where everything exists in the shadow of Scully, yet she is bigger and better than that.”

When I listen to her 2003 Desert Island Discs, though, she tells a darker story. In between Radiohead and Jeff Buckley, she talks of troubled mental health that she has worked ferociously hard to improve. She has been in therapy for more than 30 years.

Anderson tells me she has been teetotal since her early twenties and despite some mild probing on my part is reluctant to elaborate on exactly why. I understand. She has soon-to-be teenage children who don’t need to know about any of the “dangerous things” she has done, as she described them to Sue Lawley.

I’m fascinated by Anderson and can see why she was the perfect person to cast as the quirky, funny therapist Jean in Sex Education, which really hits its stride in the second series. While still a comedy at heart, the subject matter tackled by its fantastic young cast is revelatory. Sex Education is one of the first productions to hire an intimacy director to make the young actors feel comfortable and process what they were doing, often naked in front of multiple cameras, to be happy and authentic about what they did and feel they had input.

Anal sex, drugs, masturbation, STDs and nudity feature graphically in this show, which I would advise all parents and teens to watch, though not at the same time — only Jean would do that. When I interview Anderson I have yet to see the finale, but Jean’s journey is that of many women in the middle of their lives after divorce with teenage children.

“There’s a grief, isn’t there?” Anderson says as we discuss the menopause. “I haven’t quite got to the place where I don’t have my eggs, but your body is going to mourn that, isn’t it? I remember the very last time I breastfed and it was heartbreaking. I wept and wept through it.

“And I know people who describe particularly difficult periods at home without realising they are describing their mothers going through the menopause.

“We’re all at the point where we’re kicking off just as our teenage children are kicking off. I was looking at some home videos of Piper when she was three and wondering where all my patience came from in my twenties. I have forgotten that version of me.”

She says she doesn’t feel quite ready for her two boys to become teenagers, but sometimes Jean slips into their conversations at home.

“I find myself saying something embarrassing at the dinner table and I don’t know if it is me or if Jean has given me the licence to say that. Maybe I have always been that way, though. Some of what she shares is too much information. I wouldn’t share it, even with my eldest in her twenties. But my son came home after having a sex education class and I completely clammed up. I couldn’t bring myself to continue the conversation. I just let it die. I really don’t know why.”

Over the years Anderson has tried to schedule her roles to fit in with her children, but like many of us who have devoted much of our time to careers, she still lives with nagging doubts about doing the right thing.

How did you deal with a small child while filming back-to-back episodes of The X-Files for 16 hours a day, I ask, especially when you decided to go it alone as a mum. “I missed her, really so much. Those moments when you see a small child in the street when you are apart from yours and the conversation just drops, it’s hard. She was on a plane a lot when she was six and we moved production to the West Coast. I justified that, I mean it was selfish on my part. I just could not imagine being away from her for long periods of time.

“I became obsessed with schedules, and I still am because of that time. I would plan and colour-code everything, make a series of propositions about schedules so I could see her, and the show would either reject or accept them.

“With the boys the longest I have been away from them was during the two X-Files movies, but again I would be travelling constantly to see them.”

I ask her if she regrets working so hard. “Not yet,” she says. “I have a feeling that will come. I definitely feel like on a level I do regret Piper flying back [to her dad, when she was six] as an unaccompanied minor.” We sit in silence for a bit, mulling over the thought.

“But there’s another version of my life where I could have worked less, had a smaller life and been more present as a parent. I could have chosen that, that could happen. But sometimes it feels like why would you, if you keep getting work as an actor, doing things you dreamt of doing and being offered incredible roles at this age, while paying the bills, and you still get to see them a huge percentage of the time and they witness a mother enjoying her work?”

She has talked to her daughter about it, but says Piper is not yet at the place where the lightbulb goes on and she realises Mum was still up at 6am the days she faced 16 hours of work to be with her, or those days we all have when we are still on the edge of the sports pitch, despite the demands of a job.

But Anderson is an all-or-nothing personality. She tells me she is either on a healthy eating plan, meditating and working out or hiding like a hermit at home eating chocolate. She has been plagued by frozen shoulders all her life, leading to months of pain-filled insomnia and cortisone injections.

“My default position is sedentary,” she tells me when I ask about her meditating and yoga right now. “I like being in bed in my PJs. When I’m working, like right now, I seem to exist mostly on chocolate. Then I go through a stage when I feel dreadful and I review it all and start a food plan, torture myself counting shots of milk and all that.

“In the cycle of all or nothing, I am in the nothing phase right now. It has gone on for quite some time, but I think I am better to be around. I was having lunch with my daughter and we were just, you know, eating, not asking for stuff without oils or sugar, and she said, ‘It’s so much better when you are not in that place.’ ”

I’ve enjoyed my hour with Anderson; she is likeable and thoughtful. I sort of hope we’ll meet again one day. It’s unlikely she’ll read the interview; she has said before that she rarely does. So what do I think as I walk away from her? I’m impressed by her curious nature and, obviously, her sense of style, a blueprint for us all at this stage of life, but mostly I’m inspired by her strong sense of self. It has obviously taken quite a bit of work for her to get there, but from what I can see, it has been worth it.

@GillianA

Sex Education series 2 is available on Netflix from Friday

Hair: James Rowe at Bryant Artists. Make-up: Mary Greenwell at Premier Hair and Make-up. Nails: Saffron Goddard at Saint Luke using Sisley Hand Care

#gillian anderson #sunday times #interview

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i-is-surrounded-by-idjits · 3 years ago

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WARNING: EMOTIONAL SHIT-SHOW.

Why do people ask what you want to do with your life?

I think they want answers like a career or other form of measurable success. My grandfather keeps asking me this question and I think to understand I have to look at his aspirations and acheivements: he didn't want to live in poverty like his parents and is now retired in house he owns outright having bought 2 earlier houses, the home I grew up in, and the house next door which he then demolished and built a new one. In other words he succeeded. A simple aspiration which was acheivable in the 1970s-1990s and having a natural disposition to saving and hatred of spending.

My aspirations are simple and equally unattainable. The simplest answer is I want to die. The complicated answer is more painful to voice... I want a family.

All the women in my family (so everyone except my grandfather) suffers from depression. And I am the only one medicated and sole income provider for my disabled grandmother and my mother (who is her full-time carer). In simple terms; if I die, they die. So death is not an option.

The other aspiration is harder. In order to have a family of my own I want a husband or wife. Currently I am 25 and never had a 'proper relationship'. The only adult relationship I have had lasted only a few months when I was 18/19. I have depression, emotional confidence issues, and physical confidence issues - none of which really lend themselves to dating let alone long-term relationships.

This is exasserbated by familial history. My grandparents never married, and as far as anyone can figure out, they never love one another. My mother's existance is theorised to have begun as ploy on my grandmother's part to get re-married after being humiliated by her family for being the first divorcee (he left her for another woman). My grandfather has always persued women who are married and prefer cheating on their husbands rather than dicorcing them. My mother's upbringing was filled with resentment which lead to her falling for the first arsehole to look at her twice.

My father was a grade A arsehole. I am the result of my mother's third pregancy (parental forced abortion and miscarriage) and I was born shortly before my mother's 18th birthday. My parents split up several times during my mother's late-teens and he eventually left for good when my mother was pregnant with my sister: my mum was 20 and I was 2 (I remember this). I went to pre-school in my bridesmaid dress because I would never have an occassion to wear it.

So yeah, fuck it. I have the most boring aspiration; have a family. But it is also unattainable and I have to cry myself to sleep knowing that no one would even pretend to love me like my father pretended to love my mother. I will likely never have children (natural or adopted) because I will never be financially or emotionally (as is in a relationship) stable enough to do so. So yes, when asked this question I say I want to die because is the easiest and least painful answer.

Sorry.

#Depression #Trigger warnings apply #Eldest child #caregiver #Depressed #Sorry for my emotional baggage #Families are shit why do i want one #Sorry #I'm fine

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strangedreamings · 3 years ago

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Gabe & Kitty - Kitty cleans up very nicely. Gabe is gobsmacked.

She Cleans Up Well (AO3)

“We must have you over for dinner sometime,” Leland Arnold said as he rose from the chair in front of Gabe’s desk. “Mary adores you and I could always use another man at the table to even things out. With four sisters-in-law, things tend to be lopsided.”

Gabe reached for his cane then stood, unable to keep from smiling at the idea of the refined earl surrounded by Bennet women. From the things Leland had said in the past, Gabe surmised that with the exception of Mary herself, the women of her family were more interested in gossip and the latest fashions than anything substantial.

Still, anything’s better than frozen food in front of the TV. “Alright, I’ll be your buffer for one dinner.”

Leland grinned delightedly. “Splendid. I’ll have Mary text you the details.”

***

Kitty listened dutifully as her mother droned on and on. Being the only unmarried Bennet girl, she was used to her mother lecturing her on the best ways to find and keep a man. At least if it’s on the phone, I can do other things while I listen, she thought as she scrolled through Pinterest on her laptop.

Finally, Mrs. Bennet said something interesting. “Mary said Leland’s friend will be at dinner on Sunday.”

“I didn’t realize Leland had friends besides Mary,” she said, half-joking. Her brother-in-law’s reclusive tendencies were legendary.

“Neither did I,” her mother said, completely serious. “But this one is apparently an architect and Mary says he’s charming and attractive, despite his unfortunate accident.”

“What unfortunate accident?”

“Mary says he was hit by a drunk driver several years ago. The doctors saved his leg but he’ll always have a limp and he walks with a cane. Such a shame.”

Kitty rolled her eyes at her mother’s dismissal. “I’m sure he’s just as attractive with the limp and cane as he was without them.”

“I suppose.” She audibly perked up. “He’s currently single and Mary promised me she’ll sit him across from you at the table.”

Kitty groaned inwardly. “Mum, I don’t need a boyfriend.”

“How can you expect to write romance accurately if you’re not experiencing it?”

She smirked. “I use my imagination, like any writer.”

“Still, you need a man in your life. I want grandbabies.”

Kitty raised an eyebrow. “You have eight, almost nine.”

“I want more.”

She sighed heavily. “Yes, Mum. If this friend of Leland’s is at all my type-”

“He’s single, what more do you need?”

“Plenty since I’m not Lydia. As I was saying, if he’s at all my type, I wouldn’t be opposed to seeing if something develops.”

“Good. Now, remember to wear something nice.”

She rolled her eyes. “Mum, it’s dinner with the family. I’m not dressing up just for a man I’ll only just meet.”

“No wonder you’re not married,” Mrs. Bennet muttered.

***

Gabe had to hold back a smile as he watched Leland, a man he considered a good friend, deal with his mother-in-law’s increasingly embarrassing questions about his and Mary’s private life. Mary, pregnant with their second child, thankfully ended the line of inquiry when she saw the discomfort on her husband’s face. She then redirected her mother’s attention, unfortunately, to Gabe.

“Mum, this is Gabe Bromley. Gabe, this is my mother, Alicia Bennet.”

Mrs. Bennet beamed as she held out her hand. “My, aren’t you handsome? You’re perfect for my daughter Kitty. She’s the only one of my girls who’s still single.”

Unseen by Mrs. Bennet, Mary rolled her eyes at her mother’s obviousness and Gabe wished he could do the same. Still, he felt the need to live up to his charming reputation. He took Mrs. Bennet’s hand and gallantly kissed it. “If Kitty is anything like you, Mrs. Bennet, then the men of London don’t know what they’re missing.”

The silly woman actually blushed. “Oh, you are a charmer! Yes, men are so oblivious these days. Kitty was a lot like me, but she changed when she went off to uni.”

“And got away from Lydia’s influence,” Mary muttered.

Ah, Lydia. The black sheep of the Bennet family. Leland’s told me more than once how Lydia got herself into one jam after another. Now she’s on her third husband. “Will she be joining us?”

“No, she’s still in York, but we expect her for Jane’s birthday next month.”

Counting his blessings, he was about to comment on the weather (always a safe topic) when a new person walked into the room carrying a bottle of wine. This must be Kitty. She wasn’t what he would call “sexy,” but “cute” definitely qualified. Her eyes were big and brown and were made even bigger when she saw him. She was dressed casually, just jeans and an oversized shirt, no make-up on her face, her short brown hair windblown.

Mary approached her, smiling. “You made it.”

Kitty shook her head a bit then smiled at her sister. “Yes, traffic was something I won’t say in mixed company.” Mrs. Bennet rolled her eyes at that and turned to talk to Jane. Meanwhile, Kitty handed Mary the wine then turned to Gabe and grinned, revealing a dimple in her left cheek which made her even more adorable in his eyes. “This must be Leland’s friend.”

Mary grinned. “Yes, this is Gabe Bromley. Gabe, this is my sister Kitty Bennet.”

“Nice to meet you,” Kitty said as she held out a hand to him, still grinning. “I’ve heard a lot about you, mostly from my mother.”

Gabe chuckled as he shook her hand. “I’m sure. Nice to meet you as well, Kitty. Leland and Mary have told me a few things about you.” He tried to remember anything they had said, he’d usually tuned them out by the time they talked about Jane then Lizzie. “How’s your book coming?” Like Leland, she was a writer, that he remembered.

“I just finished it this afternoon,” she said with obvious pride as she followed Mary to the kitchen and he followed her.

“Congratulations!” Mary said happily. “This is number five?”

“Yes,” Kitty said, smiling a bit. “Number six is already forming in my head.”

“You don’t take a break between books?” Gabe asked.

She smirked. “Since I like being paid, no, I don’t. But they’re short books, so it’s not as bad as it sounds.” She accepted a glass of wine from her sister and had just taken a sip when her mother called her name from the sitting room. Kitty rolled her eyes before smiling at Gabe. “Excuse me, filial duty calls.”

As soon as she was out of the kitchen, Mary offered Gabe a glass of wine and a knowing smile.

Gabe rolled his eyes then accepted the wine. “Don’t start. I’ll admit she’s cute but she’s not my type.”

“You don’t have a type,” Mary said genially as she checked on dinner. “I’ve known you what, two years? And in that time, I’ve seen you date every type of woman under the sun, so why not Kitty?”

He shrugged. “There’s no spark. I suppose I need someone with a little more polish.”

“Uh huh.”

Just as Leland had said, Gabe found himself seated across from Kitty during dinner. She good-naturedly accepted teasing from her sisters and brothers-in-law and didn’t hesitate to tease them right back. When Gabe found himself the target of such teasing from Leland and Mary, Kitty’s grin and dancing eyes had him wondering when he’d receive such affectionate teasing from her.

No, she’s not your type, he reminded himself. Yes, she’s cute, adorable, even, but there’s no attraction in “cute.” “Cute” is a friend, not a girlfriend.

***

Kitty stayed after everyone else went home and helped with the clean-up. Mary, proving herself to be her mother’s daughter after all, immediately went into matchmaker mode.

“What did you think of Gabe?” she asked innocently as she dried the pots and pans while Kitty washed.

Kitty rolled her eyes. “Mary, I love you, but you couldn’t be more obvious if you tried. But since you’re my sister and you’re pregnant, I’ll indulge you. Hottest man I’ve ever met, and that’s saying something, but I don’t think he’s interested in me.”

“Yet,” Mary said knowingly. “He just has to get to know you.”

“Right,” she muttered as she attacked another pot. “Meeting guys was so much easier when all I cared about was what was on the surface.”

“Easier, maybe, but not better. Gabe’s a better class of guy than-”

“Than the ones Lydia keeps finding?”

Mary smirked. “That’s not hard but yes. Just give him a chance, he’ll come around.”

Kitty thought about Gabe’s handsome face and infectious smile and couldn’t help smiling herself. “I hope so.”

***

Two weeks later, Gabe walked into one of the bars at The Savoy Hotel and stopped dead. There at the bar was the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen, even if all he could see was her profile. A black cocktail dress hugged her slim figure perfectly, ending at her knees and revealing her shapely legs. Her short brown hair was styled in an artful disarray and while he admittedly didn’t know much about make-up, it was plain to see that hers was expertly done.

Wanting more than anything to see her full face, maybe even talk to her, he moved closer but stopped dead when she turned his way. Kitty Bennet’s eyes lit up in recognition when she saw him and he took her resulting smile as an invitation.

“Fancy meeting you here, Gabe,” she said, smiling a bit, when he was close enough.

“You too,” he said, unable to stop staring at her. It felt like his jaw had been hanging open since he had laid eyes on her. “You look … good. I mean nice. No, not nice, you look-”

“‘Well?’” she suggested, her eyes dancing and her dimple showing. “I know you’re not a writer, Gabe, but surely you have a bigger vocabulary than that.”

“Breathtaking,” he blurted out, much to his immediate embarrassment.

Kitty blinked in surprise then preened a bit. “What, this old thing?” Then she grinned happily. “But seriously, thank you. I had to put in the effort since I came for a dinner my publisher hosted for all their best-sellers. Now that it’s over, I wanted another cocktail before I hailed a cab.”

“Would you like some company to go with that cocktail?” Gabe asked then mentally kicked himself for sounding too eager.

“Only if the company is you,” she said, grinning, and winked at him.

Gabe just couldn’t believe his luck. The most attractive woman I’ve ever met is someone I already know. His conscience reminded him of what he thought of her at the dinner party but he shoved the memory aside. That was then, this is now.

Once their drinks were ready, he led the way to an empty table in the back while she carried their drinks. When they were both seated, Kitty took a sip of her cosmopolitan then smiled at him. “So, what brings you here?”

He took a sip of his whiskey. “A meeting with an out-of-town client but enough about work. I must be blind since I didn’t realize how utterly stunning you are at dinner the other night.”

She rolled her eyes playfully. “Like I said, the difference is in the effort. Dinner with my family simply doesn’t require the same amount of effort as something for work.” She smiled a bit. “What did you think of me before?”

“Cute,” Gabe admitted reluctantly. “Adorable when you smile.” She grinned at that and he continued. “I know your mother was trying to set us up with Mary’s help and while I resisted before,” he grinned, “I certainly don’t mind it now.”

Kitty smirked. “I hope your interest is based on more than how I look in a little black dress.”

Gabe chuckled. “You clean up very well, but really, I want to know more about Kitty the writer, Kitty the sister, Kitty the cool aunt.”

She smiled a bit. “What makes you think I’m the cool aunt? I could be the one who’s strict about sweets and bedtimes.”

He smiled back. “Just a hunch.”

“Uh huh. Well, how much time do you have?”

“For you? All night.”

#pride and prejudice 2005 #pride and prejudice #kitty bennet #omc #kitty bennet x omc #modern au

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punkscowardschampions · 3 years ago

Text

Ava & James

Ava: [Picture of this invite]

Ava: That was unexpected?

James: Yes, it is rather

Ava: Did you give her my address?

Ava: Not intending to sound accusatory there, it would be relatively easy for her to find

James: she definitely didn’t get it from me, that would have given us both some warning that she was planning to invite you, which was clearly not her intent

Ava: I didn’t think you would just give it and then no warning, so yeah

Ava: Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that she thought of me though

James: I’m not sure it is nice, but perhaps I’m being paranoid

Ava: It did come as a surprise mostly due to how well our interactions went at Mattie’s party

Ava: She’s your sister, you’d know better than I would either way

James: unfortunately I do, but the RSVP is your decision either way

Ava: Well I don’t want to make things awkward for you by doing what I’m not meant to

Ava: Do you think she expects me to turn up?

James: she’s counting on you feeling obligated to, if only for my sake

Ava: Is there something you’d rather I do?

Ava: Or shall I just think about it, from what I would want to do without factoring in you or her and the rest of your family?

James: in all honesty, I’m equally as tempted to suggest you suffer through it so she has nothing to complain about as I am to trust my judgement that there’s no feasible benefit for you in attending

Ava: Hmm

Ava: I don’t mind going

Ava: There’s no logic in spoiling her own baby shower for my benefit

Ava: I can handle being the odd one out or however awkward it may be if it means not having something to hold against you at a later date

James: I suppose if our suspicions are proved in any way correct you can just leave & you’d have definite allies in awkwardness & feeling left out in both Allegra & Cressida, I have a feeling they won’t handle their invites half as well given neither has any choice but to be there

Ava: I can’t imagine suddenly having a step mum who was only a decade ish older than me

Ava: That must be an adjustment

James: they have my sympathies, Diana won’t have eased the transition as much as she could have

Ava: I’m sure it was strange for her too, at first

Ava: but it’s not as if it’s been a total whirlwind

Ava: I better start looking for appropriate blue attire

Ava: and a gift that’ll pass muster

James: she’s the adult allegedly, who stepped into this new role in their lives willingly, they haven’t had any say in the matter, the least she could do is behave according to said role instead of expecting them to adore & respect her immediately with no effort on her part

James: it’s the beginning of a rant I’m aware it’s too late to have, even if she were a receptive listener

James: but if you would like a shopping partner, I’ll check my calendar under no duress whatsoever

Ava: I agree, and would be happy to listen if it’s a rant you ever want to have in full

Ava: despite me not being the desired/required audience really

Ava: I mean, we’ve all seen the set-up before

Ava: They’ll either drive her mad first or he’ll get a new new model, that’s the cynical approach we’ve been taught to adopt, anyway

Ava: Thanks 🙃 I’ll let you know if anything in my wardrobe is working

James: it’s an approach her husband has been happy to follow through with

James: I’d be much happier, however, to discuss the set-up of the photoshoot that’ll be necessary as you investigate the suitability of your wardrobe as well as my desire to be the intended audience

Ava: I’d be happiest if you could be photographer but I’ll do my best to fulfil that desire solo

Ava: Serious question, are the guests going to be like, mostly your sister’s age, or her husband’s age

Ava: Because that changes everything

James: maybe I could be

James: hers, without question, there are no women her husband’s age allowed in either of their circles, they cease to be socially relevant after 35, my mother aside

Ava: Really? 😗

Ava: Duh, I should’ve known that

Ava: as long as I keep the faux pas between us it’ll be fine

James: I wouldn’t call it a faux pas that your mind doesn’t work in the same manner as theirs

Ava: Maybe the attempt is to show me how out of my depth I am?

James: I wouldn’t like to hazard a guess at what she is trying to attempt here, because as you’ve already said, her baby shower hardly seems the appropriate place to do so & yet

Ava: Sorry, I’m not going to say I’ll go, then worry about it the whole time

Ava: Whatever her potential intentions, I’ve decided mine

Ava: and I’m more interested in potentially seeing you today?

James: as you quite rightly should be

James: [tell her when you are and aren’t free today sir]

Ava: Okay, so I’ll save all my best outfits for [a time] then

James: if you’ve decided your intentions with regards to me & then

Ava: Mini Stepford wife isn’t very sexy

Ava: safe to say my intentions for then are

Ava: and if you don’t know my intentions with you by now, I probably need to pick up a pen or typewriter too

James: I need to pick you up as soon as possible is what I know

Ava: Please do

Ava: I need your discerning eye to help me, obviously

James: of course

Ava: I love you

James: I love you too, so much

James: the second everything with the house is finalised & I don’t have to be in constant contact with the owners I intend to take you somewhere far away from my entire family, I promise

Ava: Where do you want to go?

Ava: If we could go anywhere

James: as long as there are several feet of snow, I’ll be inspired & content

Ava: You are the cutest

Ava: but you picked the right time of year for it

Ava: now I’m not looking for listings I can look at Cabins and Ski Lodges 😍

James: blushing being your thing isn’t the only reason I’d prefer the possibility of shivering but it’s a very important factor nonetheless

Ava: Your cheeks will have the chance to get rosy in plenty of other ways and I won’t be mad at all

Ava: I haven’t been skiing in a long while

James: me either, on both counts

Ava: Not to mention so many of the trips people planned never involved much skiing anyway 🙄

Ava: It’ll be more fun with you

James: I recognise that experience & that I’ll have a much better one with you

Ava: Right answer 😋

James: any other answer would be a lie & not even one which spares your feelings

Ava: I trust you

Ava: [a hilariously inappropriate outfit choice]

Ava: You trust me too, yeah?

James: I’m pleased to hear it, because despite the pen being mightier, I’m not sure it would suffice if you don’t trust me by now

James: your sense of humour does have me wishing I was currently sat at a typewriter though

Ava: There’s no more you need to say, or write, you’ve shown why I can over and over

Ava: We can take one and make it a real retreat

James: right answer

Ava: [Wanna skip to the day of this shitshow baby?]

James: [why not, we know that’s why we’re really here, I like to think he dropped her off even though there’s no need because a nice throwback to when they literally had to spend whatever moments they could together in cars, but obvs that’s before Chlo got there]

Ava: [That’s cute, and you can drop your presents off to this snake sister]

James: [literally your last chance to tell him you invited his ex missus but okay babe don’t bother yet again]

Ava: [seriously, you must’ve thought she weren’t showing by now, think again]

James: [fashionably late but looking a state actually]

Ava: [you’ve had months to slay this lmao, gurl]

James: [who in the hell is this new bloke and what’s his damage tbh]

Ava: [I vibe that for it to last he has to be as crazy as she is, which bodes well for their kids, hence it’ll probably be interesting for Mattie to go find them]

James: [yeah I definitely think that should be one of her storylines]

Ava: [anyway, let me do this]

Ava: Okay

Ava: I don’t want to just do this like this

Ava: but I don’t think a call will make it any better, really

Ava: plus why am I going outside or whatever, right

Ava: but Chloe just walked in

Ava: not a poor attempt at humour, or some kind of early sign of a fever, she really did

James: Oh

James: you did the right thing, I’d rather that Jay didn’t overhear even one side of that hypothetical phone call

Ava: Exactly, I know you’re all out right now, I would never want to do that

Ava: I don’t want to, at all

Ava: If telling you after, once I left, seemed like a good idea, I would have gone for that

Ava: but the fact you didn’t know to tell me, that you didn’t know, full stop

Ava: It felt unfair for me to also keep up the secrecy, not something I wanted a part in

Ava: Your sister seems… Surprised. But not, ‘it’s been half a year and you’ve shown up totally unannounced’, surprised

Ava: Your mum couldn’t contain her actual shock though, that I am sure of, from the brief look she gave Diana alone

James: I'm sorry, Ava

James: are you leaving now?

Ava: Do you need me to?

Ava: I could come find you, if you want

James: I need her to, but it’s unlikely I’ll get my own way

Ava: She’s

Ava: I can’t believe she’s done this

Ava: Doing this

James: I can believe she’d show up, but not that my own sister would invite her to do so

Ava: I don’t understand, either

Ava: I’d love to ask

Ava: among other questions for Chloe

Ava: but I won’t

James: you’d be perfectly entitled to, under the circumstances

Ava: I’m not letting her suggest I’m speaking for you

James: I know, you’re the one reliable certainty in all this

Ava: It’s clear she already came here to lie

Ava: even she couldn’t show up and admit she’s made 0 attempts to contact the girls, or even ask about them

James: my mother must be holding her tongue valiantly to avoid pointing any of those discrepancies out

Ava: She shouldn’t

Ava: and I won’t if she plans to do it within earshot

Ava: there’s not confronting her and then there’s letting her spread a false narrative unchecked and unopposed

Ava: defence isn’t attack, whatever she claims

James: my family’s love of a false narrative has been well documented within the earshot of the entire postcode, any necessary private confrontation will, of course, be left down to me, like it or not

Ava: She knows this isn’t true though

Ava: Diana bloody knows

James: yes, but she concerns herself with honesty even less than Diana does, or anyone else I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting

Ava: I’m so sorry, that she’s doing this

James: it’s not your apology, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry that my sister invited you there to witness everything my ex wife is going to do

Ava: Try to do

Ava: She isn’t going to get away with it, I swear

James: you don't have to promise me anything

Ava: The truth always comes out

Ava: and you have the call and text history to prove it if anyone actually believed her

Ava: She’s just bringing entertainment, and that’s all people who have no real stake in any of this care about, and they’ll be bored and onto the next before she achieves anything

Ava: If you were even half as bad as she says, why would a decent mother leave her kids with you?

Ava: They wouldn’t and she isn’t, even her fake story has her in a bad light

Ava: Just not as bad as what she really did and what really happened to you and the girls, now and for all the years before

James: whether or not the actual truth comes out or if her particular brand of it remains what's taken as truth, you & I both know what really happened

James: my priority right now is protecting the girls from what she has already done & whatever else she is intending to do for the duration of her return, however long that will be

Ava: And they are all that matters

Ava: I can totally respect that is how it is for you

Ava: And I can see how they are the top priority, regardless of any other factors

Ava: but I do care about how this is affecting you, or could, will

Ava: you know that

James: of course I do & I care just as much about how it could or would impact you, despite knowing full well you can handle any of those effects

Ava: I’m angrier than I could ever be capable of being upset right now, there’s no room for it in my head yet

Ava: but that’s definitely a good thing because if I do start thinking about the potential hurt she could do to the girls with this, I will have to leave or

Ava: just no

Ava: She hasn’t mentioned them once

Ava: not even as a point score

James: whenever you're ready to leave, we'll all be delighted to see you

Ava: Thank you

James: it doesn't feel selfless enough to deserve thanks, particularly when I think about having to engage her in conversation once the champagne has worn off

Ava: You don’t have to come here and pick me up

Ava: and you don’t have to talk to her today

Ava: it’s not as if she has bothered to tell you she’s here

James: no, unless she’s altered her drinking habits whilst being at the villa I won’t be talking to her today, but I’ll pick you up if you want

Ava: Oh she’s certainly celebrating like it’s her baby shower

Ava: I can make my way back to the flat, it’s not too far, I’m fine, promise

James: the only way this could be worse is if that was an announcement she came back to reveal

James: I’m sure you can, nevertheless this has been a horrific surprise & I don’t like to think of you making your own way anywhere to then sit alone with every daunting ‘what if’ & ‘why’ to process when you don’t have to

Ava: Not quite

Ava: I don’t know if it’ll even be pertinent

Ava: but she has ‘subtly’ dropped plenty of loud hints about a new man

Ava: and you’re right, I’m just trying not to be another problem or worry for you to have to think about, but being stubborn about this would do just that

Ava: Whenever you’re ready to come get me, do, I’ll be ready

James: okay, if I drop enough loud hints of my own that we’re on our way to rescue you, Jay is bound to hurry up

Ava: How has your outing been, up until this point?

James: we have had a lovely time with no apparent foreshadowing, which I suppose is appropriate because when I commit this to paper in an effort to understand it, our readers will also be left feeling equally cheated to discover no written warning forthcoming, & there will be some ease in the act, at least, in not to having to think up & in turn add a satisfactory plot device where the source material had none

Ava: Her lack of interest in making the story make sense is in character, if nothing else

Ava: Frustrating and angering and

Ava: Well

Ava: Contempt for the truth at least shows she knows, on some level, that she’s in the wrong, right?

James: hopefully, yes, but as you said, there's a definite losing battle in trying to make sense of her motivations at the best of times & we're far from there at the moment

Ava: I know

Ava: It’s worrying

Ava: Her parents can’t like… make her get some help?

Ava: I know that never works but it might

James: even more worryingly, they can't make her do anything

Ava: Hmm

Ava: I can sense that

James: it wouldn't surprise me if she hasn't told them she's back either

Ava: Jesus

Ava: Whatever hotel she’s booked whilst she’s here will be on them though

James: along with her flights, cars & everything else

James: maybe I should call them in case they don't learn of her whereabouts until she posts baby shower photos

Ava: It would be decent of you, though it shouldn’t be your call to be decent on her behalf

Ava: wouldn’t blame you if you didn't

James: performing tasks or behaving a certain way on her behalf did become second nature to me

Ava: That’s only logical

Ava: When there was so much she wouldn’t do herself, that she should or needed to be done

Ava: You had to step up for two

James: but now there is no longer a need to project the false united front & it's a habit I have to break

Ava: In this case, it isn’t a bad thing you care about their feelings

Ava: bizarre that you do more than her, but still, bizarre by how little she does

Ava: Do what YOU think is right

Ava: Don’t consider her at all, in the things that is a possibility

James: you're right, I will

James: thank you

Ava: This is not ideal, we both know that

Ava: but she hasn’t mentioned any permanent plans to stay or anything like that

Ava: but whatever she does, this will be okay, we’ll work it out, you will

James: I appreciate your belief in my ability to handle this, I hope you know that as well

Ava: I do

Ava: on both counts

James: then yes, it’ll be okay

James: I promise we are on our way to collect you, just bear with me while I call her parents

Ava: Take as long as you need

Ava: Initial shock over… as much as it can be

Ava: I don’t need Chloe thinking I can’t handle her

James: [please do phone them in case they don't know and see those posts then come back]

James: you don't need to worry about what she thinks

Ava: [can you bloody imagine lmao]

Ava: Not about me, never

James: on any subject

Ava: Diana’s step daughters have behaved more maturely

James: I'd feel confident in predicting Jay also has, over the course of the day

Ava: and she only had like, three tantrums, right? 😏

James: I couldn't possibly give you the tally, lest you tell Frank & provoke an even worse reaction

Ava: 🤫🤐

Ava: He’ll never know

Ava: he’s definitely had the best day of us all 😴🥩🥎😴

James: I'm happy to hear his criteria has been met, but I'll be ecstatic if I can do the same for yours

Ava: My criteria is slightly different but I’d take 😴🥩🥎😴 at a push

James: I'd rather you decided to elaborate than compromise

Ava: I only need the one emoji

James: oh really?

Ava: Mhmm

Ava: I won’t ask you to guess

James: are you sure? It wouldn't be much of a hypothetical perfect day if you couldn't ask whatever you like of me

Ava: I don’t need hypothetical or real perfect

James: you don't have to need something for me to want to offer it to you

Ava: All I need from you, is you

James: wouldn't you like to forget about all this?

Ava: Is that possible?

James: I'll be finding out as you do

Ava: Okay

James: so where is this fool's errand taking us?

Ava: Well 🤔 what helps people forget that isn’t champagne

Ava: 🌳🎞📚🖼💚 as your day out was cut somewhat short

James: okay, I'll of course start us off with 📚

James: I suggest we let the girls pick 🌳 or 🖼 because of their awful taste in 🎞 but I'll let you make your own decision before I mention any of this to either of them

Ava: Harsh 😅

Ava: but I’ve sat through enough films that aren’t Twilight to know you’re not lying

Ava: I’ve missed you today, all of you

James: we've missed you too, especially me, even though you've ruined me for any & all films but Twilight

Ava: At least you also have the perfect soundtrack for the 💔

James: it'll work just as well for the traffic we end up stuck in

Ava: Where would we be without the traffic, help or hindrance

James: personally, I’ve recently had more positive associations with it & where I would be without those is inconceivable to me

Ava: I feel the same

James: I’ve really missed you today

Ava: I wouldn’t wish this particular event on you, especially with the unexpected bonus of Chloe

Ava: but it’s better doing things with you, the stuff we don’t want to particularly do included, even if they’re not as nice as the good things

James: I would’ve come with you, in spite of her arrival & because of, had I been allowed

James: she isn’t someone you should have to deal with on your own, not when we made the choices that contributed to her disappearance together

Ava: She’s got enough blame for the both of us, definitely

Ava: but I can’t see anyone seriously buying it…

Ava: anyway, we know how it was

James: yes we do & you’ve never doubted what I’ve said the truth was, anyone who takes her word instead is the least of my worries, because they clearly have their own

Ava: Exactly

Ava: and maybe I could take the homewrecker bit more seriously if she was making any effort to fight for any of you

Ava: not that you’re even asking her to fight to see the girls 🙄

James: precisely

James: tomorrow I’ll be the one fighting against her clear reluctance to spend time with them & then again to ensure Jay doesn’t overhear that she’s back when that plan inevitably fails

Ava: Of course

Ava: There’s no need to do that

Ava: it’s bad enough without the anxiety of waiting, not to mention the potential disappointment

Ava: If she comes, she comes

Ava: When Jay is a bit older, it might be better for Chloe to have to arrange it with her herself, but not yet

James: from experience it would be better if she refuses to come, I couldn’t get her to feign even the slightest interest when they were both living in the same house, occupying the same rooms, she’s unlikely to if she has to put herself out to meet us

James: & it was one thing to tell Jay when we move into the new house mummy isn’t living with us, it’s quite another to try & explain she doesn’t want to visit her anywhere at any time, or worse still, to have her agree to do that & behave worse than the children themselves

Ava: It’s so bloody difficult

Ava: because that is true, or does seem to be true, from all the available past experience you shared and behaviour she’s exhibited then and since

Ava: but it’s unfair to leave the onus on you to ever have to have that conversation with Jay, and Mattie, when you can

Ava: it shouldn’t be one you should ever have to have

Ava: but the reality is, it might be, parents leave, and the parent who stays has to do the lion’s share and then some, dealing with whatever the deserter has left in their wake…

Ava: we’re just programmed to be far more shocked and appalled when that parent is the mother, not the father

Ava: but it is shocking, and can in some cases be appalling, regardless of role and gender, I’ve seen it within my own family

Ava: but in others, I’ve seen it is ultimately for the best, and to have that parent around would make life worse, if they had chosen to be involved

James: you said yourself she hasn’t expressed any desire to stay & her parents weren’t prepared for the eventuality when I spoke to them, our instinct that this is a short visit is the one I trust in right now & the one I’m readying myself & the girls for

James: whether or not she engages with them tomorrow, the reality is, her parenting has only ever been performative & taking a picture of or with them in response to comments she receives under the ones from today isn’t going to trick Jay into thinking they’ve spent quality time together the way it did when she was younger, she may already have questions I’m struggling to find appropriate answers for, but I know expecting her mother to supply them would be disastrous & I can do better than that

James: what has happened so far has been for the best, I don’t know what possessed my sister to send that invitation & jeopardize things

Ava: I hope she intends to explain, as well as apologize

Ava: Whatever she was thinking, it’s safe to say it’s backfired, unless her intention was to cause potential harm to her own niece

Ava: which you have to hope was not

Ava: All you can do is all you can do

Ava: Chloe is going to do, or not do, whatever she wants, that’s apparent

Ava: Jay’s fast approaching an age where she won’t engage with that performativeness and I don’t think anyone will blame her if she decides not to

Ava: Then Chloe will have to decide if she is actually going to try or not

James: I love you for being the type of person to sincerely write out & send that message when it’s unfortunately as apparent we can’t really hold out any such hope for Diana’s character, regardless of what’s happened, she’ll be steadfast in her conviction her intentions were good & she was right

James: all I can do is expect less than nothing from either of them, at this point

Ava: If it wasn’t her baby shower, your mum might have beat me to confronting her on it

James: perhaps there’s some hope for my mother yet

Ava: Perhaps

Ava: or she was just livid to be caught out of the loop, who’s to say really

James: realistically yes, I think we can say it’s the latter

Ava: They’re not invited on our redux day out regardless so

James: speaking of, we’re finally here

Ava: Yay 🙌🙌 I’ll make my excuses and be right out

James: take as much time as you need, I know what my family & sister’s friends are like

Ava: I’d love to see them pretend they’re dying for me to stay, honestly

James: as long as you’re expecting a performance on a par with the lowest-rated children’s film in place of one from the Twilight saga

Ava: 😏 you’ll make me laugh, which might help my own performance

James: oh good, I’d love nothing more than to grant you the fastest possible exit

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wolfpawn · 4 years ago

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I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 165

Chapter Summary -Tom and Danielle go to Suffolk for their second anniversary as a couple. While there, Tom realises that Danielle has already gotten started on some of the wedding plans which results in them setting a date.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long. This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1 @black-ninja-blade

Danielle bit her lips together as she felt herself reach her peak, forcing herself to not grip Tom’s hair too tightly as he made her feel so good. She gasped as the final waves of her orgasm were joined by a kiss that was given to her core before Tom crawled over her body, smiling cheekily as he came face to face with her. “I love you,” She smiled, feeling worn from their activities. “As I love you, my beautiful Elle.” He leant down and kissed her, not overly surprised when she leant up and deepened the kiss. “You are well and truly back to form,” He smirked as he forced their lips apart for a moment.

“Three times since we got here, that’s not bad by any accounts,” Danielle agreed.

They had decided to spend their second anniversary in Suffolk, away from the crowds of London and spending time with Diana. Tom brought Danielle for a lovely meal in Manzoni’s, the restaurant that led to the awkward first kiss of theirs and afterwards, insisted on kissing her on the doorstep, though this time, the kiss did not end there and he ensured she had an incredibly pleasurable evening after. Of late, after recovering from her Ironman, Danielle’s libido seemed to go back to her pre-training and pre-maternal urge norm, much to hers and indeed Tom’s delight.

The next morning led to slight bouts of sloth on their behalf before amourous attentions once more, leading them to almost lunchtime before they forcibly extracted themselves from the bed.

They were drinking tea as their porridge cooked when Diana knocked on the back door and entered. “Finally up, I see.” “We are embracing the holiday feeling,” Tom smirked back, going to the pot of tea they had decided would be a better idea to make and poured her a cup.

“How was Manzoni’s?” “That new chef you mentioned was working, you’re right, it’s even better now, somehow,” Danielle commented from the cooker.

“He is good, isn’t he?” Diana smiled. “So, have you two started talking properly yet?” Tom chuckled at his mother. “Are you just here to badger us about it?” “The sooner you plan it, the sooner it is planned.”

“You sound like Danielle when she is talking about her safety stuff.” Tom eyed his fiance warily as he said that. She gave him a warning glance with a slight smirk with it.

“And?” “We have decided on Ireland, in Elle’s parish church from her childhood. She explained it holds a really important place in her family and it is small and quaint and away from prying eyes. It will be lovely, so it makes a lot of sense.”

“How small?” “The maximum capacity is about a hundred plus people, nothing extravagant,” Danielle explained. “Doing approximate numbers for the church part of things, we are looking at around thirty under capacity but that’s good because we know we’re forgetting a few people.”

“Right, names are important, have you a list started?” “No,” Tom looked awkwardly.

Danielle left the room for a moment before returning with the backpack she had received for her Ironman, taking out a notepad she had in it. “I have all of my side and friends done. I have started your side too, but I know there is an aunt or uncle somewhere missing because the numbers aren’t right and I would wager you have a friend from school you will think to invite.”

Tom looked at her shocked at the organisation she had clearly put into the page of names, making notes who they were and of any conflicts, some may have, mostly referencing her aunt Bernie. “I...I was going to say I’m surprised, but no, how could I be, this is you through and through.

Danielle laughed at him. “I also took note that we will have to arrange buses from the airports and spoke to the local B&B, they will book out the dates of our choosing for us, if we give them a date soon, so I also called the parish office and got the dates the church is free on the timeline we are looking at, so we have to arrange that. I think we will have to go over a week or two in advance to ready the last of everything and for the marriage course, of course. Though, I booked that and flights for January, that gives time for your other commitments, Ace Con and whatnot.” She explained.

Tom simply stared at her in shock. He had asked had she looked into one or two things, thinking that perhaps she would begin preparation, he had not thought for one second she would be so thorough so quickly. “I...I feel somewhat unprepared in all of this.” “Course, what course?” Diana asked curiously.

“In Ireland, I am not sure if it is the same here, if you want to marry in a Catholic Church, you have to do a marriage course with Accord, it’s like this religious church-related family service, so I booked that. It’s nothing really, just preparing you for down the road, times of trouble, if you want kids, the usual marriage stuff. It’s more a box-ticking exercise really, though if you haven’t talked about this stuff before now or you haven’t had bad patches, are you really ready for marriage?” Danielle questioned.

“I think they are becoming something here, not obligatory, mind.”

“Well, they are at home and with our schedules, I thought it a good idea to plan it for then.” “What is on the cards to say you are both busy for that?” Diana asked curiously, always eager to know what her children were doing workwise. “I have a few things I will be involved in, going a few places, nothing too long, quick stops around Europe,” Danielle informed her. “Usually three to five day things and paperwork in between. And a trip to the US for a meeting or two, obviously.”

Diana nodded, knowing that there would be some form of plan such as this already before looking to her son. “I am doing a stint in one of Harold Pinter’s plays in London, Betrayal, as the name suggests, it is not the most cheerful of work but an interesting piece,” He explained.

“And are you the betrayer or the betrayed?” She asked curiously.

“I play the poor betrayed husband,” Tom pouted as he spoke.

“So plenty of confused and angry fans after this,” Danielle joked.

“I am glad you enjoy my torture.” Danielle stuck her tongue out at him playfully, causing him to chuckle. “I guess we better book a date so while we have a chance.”

“I guess we should.” A thought occurred to Tom. “What about that B&B?” “What do you mean?” “Well, they will have the dates.”

“Tom, I warned you before, Irish people are not the least bit bothered by this sort of thing and there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that a local run B&B from my hometown, with kids that went to school with me, who have used my dad’s vet practice since before I was born are going to give my wedding dates to some foreign shites trying to make money off us.”

“You are putting a lot of faith in people that you have not known really for at least a decade,” Tom warned, having had more than one person he thought he could trust show that his trust had been poorly placed in the past.

“It’s a way of life in Connemara and indeed most of the non-city areas of Ireland. You say nothing and deny all knowledge of other people’s business to non-locals, as I said it's a local family business and if they can't look after the locals, well, Ireland is the place that coined the phrase ‘boycott’. It's one thing to talk among ourselves but to outsiders, that's just not done.”

“So, you would threaten them?”

“Ironically, it would not be me or putting them as I don't live there anymore, it will be those local people that they call their friends, the local GAA people, the lads that went to the pub with my dad, the women that went to the dances with Mam. It’s just an unwritten rule you don't embarrass yourself or your family and you definitely do not bring a bad name to the parish. Whatever about the generation I'm from but my dad's generation, Mr O'Leary and his wife, they never would risk her name or insult their family in such a manner,” Danielle explained. “Sometimes the anonymity of the city has its advantages though, growing up we always knew what our neighbours were doing but at the same time we were always there for one another when it was needed.”

“Will they have a problem with those coming from England for it?” Tom asked.

“Why would they? We're bringing them paying customers, we’re not there to bother anyone. We don't automatically just decide to hate all British people, that's not an economically sound practice. We are just mildly suspicious as a default setting which is healthy really, all things considered.”

Tom knew before he even saw her face that Danielle was sticking out her tongue at her own playful comment. “Behave,” He warned her, his own playful smile evident. “What dates are available? The sooner I tell Luke the better.” Danielle went to the page where she had put all of the information the parish secretary has provided her with. Tom studied the dates as well as taking out his phone and checking the calendar and within 40 seconds, he placed an ‘X’ beside three of the dates.

“Are they the ones that are acceptable or are they ‘the never gonna happen’ dates?” Danielle asked curiously as she looked at the dates he had put the “x's” next to, all three were not dates that she could think of for particular reasons as being an issue.

“The latter.”

“Okay, so we work off the rest.”

“What about you, are you available every one of these dates?” Tom asked, doubtful that Danielle could be free for the entirety of the summer.

“The ones I was not available for, which were two dates, I didn't even write down. One is the all branch AGM, and the other is my mother’s anniversary. I know she would want me to get married but I could probably pretty much guarantee that she would not appreciate me doing so on her anniversary.” “No, that goes without saying,” Tom agreed. He looked over the dates a little bit more, Danielle noticed that he checked his phone for a moment before putting an ‘X’ beside another date. As soon as she looked at it she realised which date it was, she laughed. Tom looked at her worried as to a reaction. Seeing her laugh, he decided to check verbally. “You don't mind?”

“Not at all. I don't think it bodes well to take one of your favourite days of sport in the year from you,” She laughed. “And it's the height of the GAA season, so I can guarantee there won't be a single pub, hotel bar or restaurant that will be showing that over whatever GAA fixture is on for the day.” She tussles hair as she spoke.

Tom took her hand and put it to his lips, kissing it gently at her respect for his favourite sports day. “If it was the only viable day?”

“You said it does not suit you and there are six other days that are free and available, it's a non-issue.” She looked at the dates again. “If we choose the date before that takes place, I would assume, unless we go on a honeymoon of six days, that does not suit either. So how about, this one?” She pointed to the weekend after the final. “That way you can watch it or go and we can be to Ireland after?” “But you said you want to come over a fortnight in advance?” “I’m sure you can slip away for a weekend.”

“No, it's too close and I'm not leaving everything to you.” Tom looked at the dates that came after if he was honest, he thought them too far away. So instead, he looked at the only other available date before. “How about the June date?” Danielle looked at the piece of paper for a moment. “That’s only eight months away. Jesus, that's a terrifying thought. Has it really been 3 months since you asked me?”

“Time flies when you're having fun.” Tom beamed. “If it's too close then that's fine.” “No, let's go with that one.” Tom looked up at her. “Elle, if you want to take time to think about it.” Danielle’s response was not to argue but to instead to take out her phone, scroll through the contacts and bring up the number she needed. “I think June to be the best.” She showed him the number she was about to ring and when he gave a small nod she pressed the call button.

It only took three minutes between the secretary answering the phone and Danielle pressing the end call button. “It’s official, we are booked for June.” Danielle looked at Tom, who seemed somewhat shocked. “Second thoughts already?” “No, I just...In eight months, we’ll be…” Tom could barely compute what was happening. After all his planning, with all his thoughts on it, there was a date set to legally marry Danielle. It was almost unfathomable. “I can’t believe we have a date set.” He rose to his feet and leant in and kissed her. “Eight months will be an incredibly long and yet short time.” “With work, with plays and meetings, sets and meet and greets, we won’t see it pass by. It is strange to think, but by the time we book a reception, hotels and whatnot, by the time Emma and Jack organise a passport for Lucy and everything, eight months is nothing.” Tom frowned. “I thought you don’t need a passport to go to Ireland. I used my driving licence one weekend to get into Dublin for High Rise.” “You don’t under the Common Travel Area and all that but come Brexit, who knows, they already applied, just in case.” “I guess we will all need to be sure.” Diana took note to check her own when she went back to her own house. She beamed proudly at having urged her son and her future daughter-in-law into actually setting a date. “I will leave you to eat and do a few things. Don’t forget to book a venue next.” She instructed as she left.

With quick goodbyes, Danielle started thinking. “I genuinely cannot think of too many. I suppose if you want to be fancy, there is always Kylemore Abbey?”

Tom Googled the place and his brows rose. “It’s beautiful.” “Of course it is, it’s in Connemara, we don’t do things by halves.” She smiled, looking at the picture in front of them of the building. “It is only from the 1860s but it is beautiful, nonetheless.” “And they take weddings?” “For the right price, they will be more than happy to facilitate whatever we ask. The question becomes, are we willing to pay such prices?” Tom suspected that there would be a chance that Danielle would have an issue with such things. He had considered how to approach it but now was the best time. “Elle, Darling, I m not sure how often you are planning on doing this but I am very much only considering the once so we will do this right.”

“I just don’t want to waste money.” “Is it wasting it for us to have a lovely wedding day?” “It’s one day, I don’t…” Danielle inhaled deeply. Her fiance was a renowned actor and she knew that came with more money than sense. “Just nothing too insane.” “Elle, don’t force yourself into budgets. We are not going to do anything mad, even the ring is a family heirloom, we are not extravagant spenders, so if the hotel costs a bit, then fine. I doubt you plan on some mad dress.”

Danielle scoffed, “Valentino, Darling,” She impersonated the accentuated Cruella De Vil accent as she spoke. “Just a hundred thousand.”

Tom chuckled and shook his head. “If you wanted.” Danielle stared at him in horror. “Are you insane?”

“I just want you to be happy.” “Tom, here and now, I m saying this. This whole thing is not going to come within an ass’s roar of that sort of money. No, not happening. I will call it off it does.” “Looks like I found the ‘Get out of Jail Free’ Card.” Tom jested, rushing out of her reach before she could nudge him in retaliation. When she went over to him, he pulled her in against him. “How did I manage to find you, a sensible, beautiful, intelligent woman like you?”

“A sacrifice to an old God or two, I think.”

“Very possible.” He leant down and kissed her, wanting her to feel how intensely he loved her from it.

Pictures of Kylemore Abbey for reference

#I Hate You I Love You #Chapter 165 #tom hiddleston fic #tom hiddleston #wolfpawn

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kingtoodles · 4 years ago

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WHAT UP, caro back at it again with a new chara and i PROMISE i will get my shit together... soon. anyways, here’s my hoe ass child, please love him 🥺

[ NATHANIEL TRAVERS ] has arrived in Ardere! Under the bonfire light, this [ TWENTY FIVE ] year old [ CIS MALE ] is sometimes mistaken for [ GRANT GUSTIN ]. Since graduating from [ HOGWARTS ], they have been working as a [ POTIONEER ]. The battle is brewing and they must pick sides but who will they choose? In the upcoming election, they will be voting for [ EDWIN DANKWORTH ].

TW: death, pregnancy

&. Full name: Nathaniel Thaddeus Travers &. His parents, Aldous and Antonina are both Healers who work at St. Mungo’s. &. He is an only child and I would really like to keep it that way but I’ll always be happy for cousins etc.!

&. HE HAS A BABY!!!!!!!! &. it wasn’t a planned baby, definitely an accident, he wasn’t even dating dating the baby mama. BUT he, of course, took the responsibility when she wanted to keep it because he is what? not an asshole!!! this boy drank a lot of respect women juice, y’all &. his son is currently 3 years old and his name is Felix! Nate is raising him on his own as unfortunately his mum passed away due to complications during childrbirth. &. he absolutely loves the little guy, they are bet pals, though he is beginning to be of that difficult age where he asks where’s his mummy and nate is high key dreading having to explain that to him &. ngl he might disown him if he ends up being a gryffindor JUST KIDDING... or am i...

&. His grandparents were Death Eaters af. Everyone knows it, this is not a secret. So were Nathaniel’s parents because, after all, that’s how they’ve been raised. BUT when the war was near end they switched sides, feeling that the Order will be the one who will win. And it was not too late to switch sides for them, without getting punished for what they allegedly did. They were just kids doing what their parents expected/forced them to do, right? Like many of the children of the Death Eaters. &. Their decision was purely strategic, they didn’t become muggleborn/house elves/blood traitors social justice warriors. They kept neutral, respectful and that’s how they taught their son to be, whilst still teaching him that he is better than the others but there are better, subtle ways to show his superiority. &. Nathaniel was raised to be respectful towards the others, not to call others names and shit like that. But he won’t risk his life for a house elf or a muggleborn.

&. Nathaniel super spoiled, super high maintenance, super dramatic, extra and petty

&. He’s also super studious, intelligent and pays a lot of attention to his studies. &. Besides studying, he’s also a huge Quidditch hoe. He was the Beater for the Slytherin’s team.

&. TALENTED COOK &. his mother taught him how to cook because she doesn’t want him to be a useless husband

&. You know what else he is super talented at? Potions. And with potions come poisons. If you need to get rid of an ex, he’s your guy. &. That’s why he is also working as a P O T I O N E E R for St. Mungo’s!!!!

&. He Crucio’d a guy who was torturing a cat and he won’t hesitate to use the remaining two of the Unforgivables (for whatever reason he deems fit).

#nate #ardereintro

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wolfpawn · 4 years ago

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I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 133

Chapter Summary - Settling into a break in Suffolk, Tom and Danielle enjoy themselves in every manner.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long. This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1

Tom woke to find, as was becoming more common, long brown hair caught in his facial hair. Since he started growing his beard, Danielle’s hair seemed to stick to it more. Pulling it out and depositing it between them, noting that she had let it grow a lot and also noticing, that in amongst the dark brown locks, a few silver strands were starting to edge in. He smiled slightly and looked at her, happy that she had sought his opinion on potentially selling the house. He thought again of the idea, and with the news that Emma and Jack were expecting a baby, he knew it would not be a good idea to sell it, but he knew too she did not want him paying more than her for whatever home they would consider purchasing. Her constant dancing around, yet referring to, having children made him swallow and his throat to feel tight. It terrified him, but since the day they had the house gathering in Belsize and he walked into the kitchen to see her with Kit on her hip, interacting with him and discussing Mac, he knew, he wanted that with her, their own family in their home, that is what made him start looking into more suitable, out of city homes. He swallowed as the image came to him again, the fluttering feeling in his gut returning as it so often did when he thought of a future with her, excited and scared simultaneously.

He was still thinking about it when he realised Danielle had altered her sleeping position, her body leaning in against his, her body touching his. It was only when he felt her moving slightly did he realise what she was doing in her sleep he chuckled.

‘Elle?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Wake up.’

‘Why?’ her voice was heavy.

‘Because you are rubbing my leg.’

‘Hmm?’

‘You are rubbing yourself on my leg.’

Danielle scrunched her eyes for a moment before rubbing them and looking at Tom, realising the room was bright enough and when she took a moment to assess properly, she had a leg draped over Tom’s and she did seem to be very much leaning in on him. One slight movement told her that yes, she had been doing what he stated. ‘Shit, sorry. I didn’t wake you, did I?’

‘No I was awake anyway.’ He leant over and kissed her. ‘But if you are feeling a little amorous…’

‘Did you wake me up to get consent?’

‘I may have.’ Tom grinned, leaning over her.

‘Good boy.’

‘“Boy?” No, Darling, I am no mere boy, I am a man.’ His grin turned devilish as he leant down and kissed her again, Danielle’s reaction being to put her arms around his neck and to spread her thighs more to allow him to lean against her, gasping as his crotch rubbed along hers, telling her he was more than willing and ready for them to continue. Languidly kissing her neck, he lifted the vest she had worn to bed with her moving slightly to assist him before he began to kiss her chest, toying playfully with little nips, her gasping as he grazed his slight beard as he did so, noting her hand making its way to his hair.

When he went to go down further, she gently tugged on his hair to stop him, looking at her, she shook her head. ‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I have been in bed all night, I haven’t had a shower since yesterday.’

‘I know. And?’

‘That’s not pleasant.’

‘You prefer me before a shower.’ She could not counter that. ‘I would not do this if I did not fucking love it.’ Tom smiled deviously before slowly continuing down and paying attention to every spot he knew she liked before getting to his destination. ‘Lift that ass.’ Danielle smirked at him. ‘Elle.’ He warned causing her to do so. He brought down her underwear and knew that between their few moments of amorousness and her previous actions in her sleep, she was very much aroused, so, ensuring to do so before she could object, Tom concentrated on ensuring whatever heated dream Danielle was having before he woke her was very much outshone and her expectations exceeded, her moaning his name more than once amongst a string of expletives.

‘I made you breakfast.’ Tom declared as Danielle walked down the stairs smiling after her shower.

‘You made too much.’ She smiled, putting her arms around him.

‘Mum. Emma and Jack are coming over in five.’

‘Thanks for warning me, what if I came down in sexy underwear, or nothing even?’

Tom chuckled. ‘After the seeing to I just gave you, you should at least make it to evening.’

A knock on the door and a couple of barks from the dogs put a halt to their playfulness as Danielle walked over to open it. ‘Move your fuzzy butts.’ She ordered as she unlocked it. As soon as she opened it, Mac rushed out and Bobby stayed, wagging his tail in excitement as his sister came in to greet him. Mac seemed to herd everyone in as Danielle hugged her friend and then her husband tight, congratulating Jack, having not seen him since Emma gave them her news.

While Danielle was hugging them, Diana went over inspecting the cooking. ‘Danielle, Darling, these…’

‘Actually, any and all cooking inquiries belong with your son, not me.’ She smiled.

Diana looked at Tom who seemed slightly abashed by her lack of consideration for him making the food, but the proud look on her face took some of the sting away. ‘I should have known.’

‘I was raised to be able to look after myself and not need a woman to do the basics for me.’

‘Except your washing.’ Danielle pointed out, causing Emma to laugh.

‘I have done the washing.’ Tom declared.

‘Actually, it’s true, I got him to wash the dogs' blankets.’ Danielle acknowledged. She then leant towards Emma, ‘Because let’s face it, he can’t fuck that up entirely.’

‘I heard that.’ Tom stated bemusedly.

‘I wasn’t whispering.’ Danielle smiled cheekily. ‘No, he’s getting there. We just won’t let him at the wools yet.’

‘Yet?’

‘Soon, we’ll have you ready for Paddy’s Day.’

‘Why then?’

‘Realistic target dates?’ Danielle shrugged with her tongue sticking out. When Tom gave her another bemused look, she smiled widely. ‘I’ll get the plates.’ She walked over to the press. ‘Sit down and we’ll be sorting ye.’

‘You have such an Irish accent.’ Jack laughed.

‘Funny, so do you.’ She retorted, earning another laugh off Emma. ‘So, what are the plans for the day?’

I have to go into town.’ Tom declared. Everyone looked at him unimpressed. ‘I have all the presents, I just need...I have all the presents.’

‘He doesn’t have all the presents.’ Emma commented.

‘Will I drop you in or are you stealing the car?’ Danielle asked.

‘Am I insured?’

‘Yep.’ She popped the ‘p’. ‘I had you put on it when I got it.’ She smiled.

‘Well, then, if you don’t mind, may I borrow the car?’ He smiled. She nodded in response. ‘Thank you.’

‘Great, Elle, if you’re free, can you come with me to get a few things sorted after lunch?’ Emma asked. ‘Just us.’

‘Woo, girl’s afternoon, I am in.’ Danielle beamed.

‘I guess I am being abandoned?’ Jack looked sadly at his wife.

‘Yes!’ both women responded at once, before laughing together.

‘You’re as bad as children.’ Diana smiled fondly.

'Actually, if you're not trying to hide something, Tom?' Jack looked at his brother-in-law hopefully.

'Not at all, please, I would actually enjoy the company.'

‘So, how are you and Tom?’ Emma asked as they made their way about the store.

‘Good, why?’ Danielle asked worriedly.

‘I was just asking.’ Emma assured her. ‘Are you okay with the premiere?’

‘Scared, nervous and excited is the general gist.’

‘Have you something for it?’

‘Not yet.’

‘You’ll need to get something.’

‘I will need to figure out how much your mum tends to overfeed me too.’

Emma smiled. ‘Well, if you two are staying for all of Christmas, you will need something akin to maternity wear.’

‘Jesus, could you imagine if that was noticed?’ Emma erupted in laughter. ‘And I thought the talk of marriage was scaring Tom.’

‘He’d faint.’

‘After last Christmas, I think that would terrify him.’

Emma ceased laughing. ‘What happened last Christmas, you mean your arm?’

‘No.’ Danielle inhaled and wondered for a moment if she should say anything. ‘Last Christmas, Tom was convinced I was pregnant.’ Emma’s mouth opened slightly as she frowned. ‘And I took a test because he was so terrified, and well, the test came back positive.’ Emma’s eyes widened and for a moment, she looked to Danielle’s stomach, confused. ‘But the test was faulty, so I took another one, and that one worked and said what I was saying, that I was not, but for a few minutes...Jesus Em, I nearly lost my life.’

‘I dare say, especially with how you feel about such things.’

‘I know, I...I wouldn’t be part of Safeguard, not properly, and Tom and I…’

‘Hey…’ Emma hugged her tight. ‘It was just a scare.’

‘I knew I wasn’t, but when that test gave the doubt…’

‘I know. I knew I was pregnant, I just felt so off.’

‘Well, I am so excited for you.’

‘Can I tell you something?’ Danielle gave a nod. ‘We didn’t plan this yet.’ Danielle’s brow rose. ‘They said it would take a few months at least, if not a year, and…’ She looked down and shrugged.

‘How long were you off it?’

‘Six weeks.’ Danielle laughed. ‘Yeah, so I do get the shocked reaction. If not slightly differently.’

‘Well, yeah. You do. And how are you feeling?’

‘So nervous, so scared but so so happy and excited. I made a person.’

‘I know, and I cannot wait to start spoiling them.’

‘Oh God, this is going to be worse than me with the Duchess, isn’t it?’

‘Oh yes. This is my first baby niece or nephew. I mean, I always loved the Duchess, and I adore spoiling her, but this time is different.’

‘You’re part of the family two ways now. Though…’

‘Do not mention a wedding, please.’

‘Mum is still talking about it.’

‘We can handle her, don’t make me have to deal with you too.’

‘Oh, I don’t want you getting married.’ Danielle gave her a confused look. ‘I am not having “Cankles” in your wedding photos, you are waiting until this one is born and you and I are going to get wedding fit together.’

Danielle laughed. ‘Sure thing, Pippa Middleton.’

‘God, I am never going to have that ass.’

‘We’ll make sure you get a dress to give you the illusion of it.’ Danielle promised.

#i hate you i love you #chapter 13 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic #wolfpawn

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80s-roger · 5 years ago

Text

when love must die: joe mazzello

summary: you're married to joe mazzello for three years; the best three years of your life and the previous three dating and later being engaged. however, since day one of your marriage, you try for a successful pregnancy but they all end up failed. your most successful pregnancy was an IVF one, but the tube baby didn't make it at the last day of the first trimester.

portray: current joe obv, female reader at 30.

words: 2306

warnings: unprotected sex, fluff, domestic violence experience, argument.

note: there will be part two.

masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe was at the set, he'd be back home soon for dinner. The table was ready and you got yourself a pregnancy test. You ran to the bathroom upstairs to finally find out. Plus or minus? You didn't have your period since the last time you had sex with him -almost two months ago- and you were excited if it was because of a fetus growing inside you.

You took the test, sitting impatiently at the toilet's cap, waiting for the result. You wished it was a plus symbol, meaning you're pregnant. Unfortunately, it had just a horizontal line. You were disappointed again. Crying loudly because your husband wasn't home, so you finally had the time to let it all out. You've been praying days and nights to have a baby. It's unfair for you when other women throw their newborns at the litter.

Suddenly the door opens fastly and you were scared to death. You got relieved as you saw Joe looking at you with terror in his eyes.

"What happened?" He asked terrified sitting next to you, placing you in his big arms.

You didn't say a word. The tears wouldn't stop running. He erased them with his fingers, until he noticed the test next to you. He looked at you without saying a word. He took it at his hand and saw it was negative. He threw it at the bin and pulled you closer, rubbing your back.

"It's going to happen. Don't worry." He whispered.

Thankfully, he was really supportive on this. He wants to be a dad as much as you want to be a mum but he is patient and never stresses you on this. You've seen your doctor and he says it's just your nature. Nature? A woman's nature after unprotected sex, is getting pregnant, having a fetus growing at her uterus for nine months and later having it in her arms, breastfeeding it. You can't try forever. There will be someday, you'll reach menopause.

Joe and you walked at the kitchen, ready to eat your dinner. He places you at your chair but you had no will on eating.

"Baby you gotta eat." He said after taking a bite of his portion.

"I'm not hungry..." You sobbed, placing your dish away from you.

"It's probably too early for the test to know..." He mentioned the test, trying to make you feel better.

"It's been almost two months, not two days." You commented, looking at him. Your dinner stopped. It was just talk.

"I'm trying to help here. I know it's hard, but we'll make it." He placed his palm over your hand.

"It's easier said than done Joe. Do you have any idea how terrible I feel?" You whimpered. "We're trying for three years, we'd have a baby by now." You stuttered.

"It's fine Y/N... I'm patient enough to make space for your emotions." he explained.

"Why are you even married with me? I'm nothing but an obstacle to your new family." You pledged. It was so sad.

"You're my family. What are you talking about?" He sat on his knees, kissing your hands. He proposed to you on one knee. Good memories.

"But you want kids. And we lost the older one. Remember?" You reminded him. His eyes darkened.

"I remember. But that does not prevent me from not being with you. I can't even imagine my life without you." He implied and caressed your cheek.

"I love you Joe." You silently wailed and he leaned closer to you.

"And I love you." He toned. "Listen, how about going upstairs and lay? I'll be there in a few, I have to fix the table." He smiled and you nodded.

You closed the door behind your bedroom, changed to your nighty and laid on the bed, calling your mum.

"Hey mum." You said.

"Hello darling, how are you?" She asked. You didn't reply. "Um.." she started. "You tried again, didnt you?" She knew about your lack of fertility.

"Yes, it was negative." You answered.

"What did he say?" She somehow didn't really like Joe, but Joe didn't give a shit.

"He's nothing but a supportive and patient husband." You nod your head feeling great for being his wife.

"And what are you going to do now?" She curiously asked.

"Try again, I guess..." You implored.

"But you've seen that sex won't help you get pregnant." she decreed.

"And where are you getting with it? Doing medical procedures in cold laboratories?" You gasped.

"Keep that method, it almost happened. Your husband has money to afford it." she had the nerve to instruct.

"It's not only his money, but mine too. We both work. We'll both raise this baby." You corrected her. "I just called you to let you know it was one more unsuccessful try. You won't know about it by the day you'll see me with a baby in my arms." You elaborated and hang up your phone without hearing her answer.

Five minutes later, Joe came to your bedroom. He took off his clothes and went inside your bathroom, taking a shower. It didn't last long and he was next to you, on his towel, around his waist. He sat next to you when his big palms caressed your stomach. That move made you whimper.

"Don't cry, it'll happen." He really is an optimist person. He wiped off some of your tiny tears ready to escape from your eyes. "I don't know if it's the appropriate time, but do you want us to try again? Or should we go for in vitro fertilization?" He gently asked.

"I don't want IVF, I don't feel comfortable there. Only with you." You disclosed and he came closer to your face kissing you gently.

His big hands caressed you everywhere. You looked so tiny beneath him, however it made you feel important. Your hands kept touching his attractive biceps until he removed the towel around him, staying naked on top of you. With one move, he removed your nighty and massaged your breasts, when his face leaned towards your neck, giving you soft kisses. He finally removed your underwear and trusted inside you. His moans were so deep and his eyes locked in you. Your arms, around his neck and his back, giving small nail scratches.

"I love you Joe." You moaned between the thrusts you received.

"I love you too y/n ..." He softly said when you felt him moving deeper. He knew every inch of your body. Literally. He knew how deep you could take him and how much. "Babe, are you close?" He asked making sure you'd finish too.

"Yes..." You moaned kissing his lips.

"Alright, because I am." he caressed your cheek and his moves were sudden and slow, which means he was done inside you, possibly fertilizing you. You came together and after removing himself from you, he wore his underwear and helped you get your clothes too. He covered you with the layers and hugged you tight.

"I hope this time it's happening." You said at his arms.

"Fingers crossed." He smiled at you.

You were the little spoon tonight; Joe was hugging you from behind and you felt protected. This is how he makes you feel everytime you're together. You're just made for each other.

You woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and frightened of your nightmare. You stood up from your bed crying loudly. Joe next to you grabbed a bottle of water, you always have at your stand, offering it. He gently rubbed your back telling you to calm down, it was just a bad dream, it's not reality. But what if it really is? What if you really are infertile? You were on the edge of going insane. He pulled you closer, playing with your hair so you'd eventually return to your sleep.

The next morning, Joe wasn't next to you. He probably went downstairs, making breakfast. You had to get ready and see him at the kitchen. But you heard speeches coming from there as you walked the stairs so you decided to eavesdrop. There was your younger brother Ben talking with him. That's how you actually met each other. Ben set you up.

"How's things?" Ben asked. You didn't really talk to him about you and Joe but Joe does. They are like best friends.

"Terrible." Joe admitted and Ben looked at him confused. "I mean, I love her but we keep failing on growing our family." He explained and took a sip of his coffee.

"How long have you been trying?" He asked preoccupied.

"Since the wedding night, counting three years." He declared.

"I've heard my mother talking with y/n about it but I didn't really pay attention. However, how do you feel about it?" Ben questioned.

"I can't blame y/n about this, it's happening to many women but I also can't see myself without kids." He opened up to his best friend. You instantly felt heart broken.

"And then what? Will you divorce her because of that? She loves you more than anything Joe." Ben explained.

"I can't divorce her. She's my everything. But I also don't want to keep trying. I want to have babies in this big house as soon as possible. I don't want to age." He shook his head broken hearted.

"You do feel sad about it. Do you have any idea how sadder it is for her? A baby is a bless." Ben protested. You wanted to hear more. They'd stop the conversation if you appeared in the kitchen.

"I'm not pressuring her. When we did the IVF, we were sure it'd happen but it died too. How many possibilities does she have when she gets older? Less than they already are." Joe questioned himself. Ben didn't say a thing.

You decided to get inside the kitchen, pretend like you heard nothing.

"Good morning sis." Ben smiled at you.

"Morning Ben." You neutrally said, faking what you thought before. You couldn't hide your anger at Joe's confession.

"Good morning my love." Joe attempted kissing you but you backed off. Both of them noticed your reaction and stared each other confused. "So um, are you okay?" He checked on you.

"I'm perfect." You lied. You're dying inside.

"Maybe I should get going." Ben felt the tense and had to leave.

"Yes you should. I'll take you to the door." You raised you eyebrow at him.

You were with Ben at the door and Joe eavesdropped without being noticeable.

"The next time you'll talk with Joe about my lack of fertility, I'll murder you." You threatened him.

"You know you can't do it sis." He joked.

"I can't, but I can cut your balls and you'll see who's the weak." You aggressively said to him and he didn't say a word.

"Damn sis, okay." He was defeated and left your home leaving you with your husband.

He came out of the kitchen guilty. But it wasn't his fault. You just wanted to throw your weight somewhere else.

"You heard us?" He silently asked.

"Are you joking? Of course I did. Is that what you talk about with your friends outside?" You angrily argued.

"No! He asked me! Besides he's your brother, he can know about it." he pointed out.

"I don't want him to know! I won't even let my mother know from now!" You attacked.

"Fine! But he's my best friend! I want to talk to someone! Why don't you let me do it? I never pressure you so stop pressuring me!" He shouted leaving you at a staring shock.

"I want you to leave right now Joe." You silently closed your eyes pointing at the door. "And tell everyone we can't have kids because I am infertile." You were so ironic.

"Where will I go? Are you kicking me out of my home?" He concede.

"Yes I do and don't come back. I'm angry." You walked inside the kitchen and he followed you.

"But you'll be over it by evening." He calmly said.

"No I fucking won't!" You threw him a glass and it accidentally fell down at his feet, with some pieces of glass hurting his arms.

"You arrogant bitch!" He yelled coming to your place menacingly. "You want to kill me now or what?" He raised your hand on you and covered yourself with your arms, afraid if he'd hit you. Flashbacks of domestic violence crossed your mind. Your alcoholic father hitting you in every chance he'd get.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry!" You sat down at the floor, crying loudly and hiding yourself, so he wouldn't harm your body but your arms.

After Joe finding out what he was doing he shockingly moved his arms and sat in front of you, getting you inside his arms. He started crying too.

"I am sorry y/n, I didn't mean to do it! I'm just so sad." He whimpered at your neck.

"Please Joe, divorce me. I can't keep making you unhappy." You cried at his chest, avoiding the eye contact.

"I can't do it. I love you, I'm literally attached to you, mentally, emotionally and physically. I just can't." He kissed you. "We'll find some way to fix it. We can do it, I know." He silently cried, hiding his voice cracks.

#BoRhap #bohemian rhapsody #joe mazzello #joe mazzello smut #joe mazzello x female reader #smut-prompts #joe mazzello x y/n #john deacon #roger taylor #ben hardy #queen #gwilym lee #brian may #rami malek #freddie mercury

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