#AND also project his own issues to John so every time John fucks up Arthur takes this on his own behalve

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

in part 41, the argument they have after John tries to have Arthur's memory wiped, I have a bunch of tangled up thoughts about his insistence that Arthur would've made the same choice. that I haven't quite sorted through yet 'cus it's not been enough time and I still have a fair bit more s5 to listen to for more context. but like

my instincts are that I don't think Arthur would have, actually. Maybe there's some circumstances out there in which he would, but I can't really think of what that would be just yet. Not for selfish reasons and his own comfort, certainly. He knows how violating that would be

which then raises the question of, was John purely just deflecting and trying to rationalize his own decision by projecting it onto Arthur, or, does some part of John genuinely believe Arthur would've done that to him.

Because like, I know they're very much not on the same page about their relationship, all s4 long is just Arthur again and again offering trust and grace to John and everything he does and every mistake he makes, while John reciprocates absolutely none of that by keeping all his secrets and fears and issues close to his chest. so it doesn't seem entirely impossible that he legitimately doesn't trust Arthur not to do that. but also if that's the case, that's kinda breaking my heart :(

But then on top of that. Like. Okay. I already said that I don't think s4-5 Arthur would ever mess with John's memories without his permission for his own comfort. But like. At the same time. He kind of already has messed with John's memory w/o his permission, partially for selfish reason before. That is like, very much a thing he has done.

Can you imagine how fucked up it would have been for Arthur to make the choice he made in Coda, if Yellow and John hadn't been separate entities? If Arthur had had Kayne take all of John's memories since the Dark World, all his time with Arthur and path to humanity, everything he's learned and experienced and done, and then fucked it up and failed him the way he did Yellow, but then John never got to exist again outside of that ever again because that was him? if Arthur had missed him so bad after their separation, and justified it by saying he was saving John from the King, and had Kayne take all of that from John just so he could have him back? completely overwriting everything that John was?

And idk if that crossed John's mind or not during the argument, especially given I don't know if he knows that that was a fully informed choice that Arthur made, Arthur's never explained exactly how it happened in great detail to my knowledge, but it's kind of interesting to think about.

because Arthur wouldn't have done that now, knowingly, without a fire under his feet, I don't think, but it is actually something he's kind of already done in the past, out of desperation and without time to think it through, thinking it would benefit them both.

And I kind of wonder, if Arthur did end up in a situation like that again, where he desperately wanted John back or thought it was the only way to keep John safe, would he? and would he stop to think about this argument, in part 41, while doing so? would the comparison ever occur to him? is it even reasonable to compare the two? or would he be focused entirely on knowing how he failed Yellow and being able to do better this time

I very much have not even begun to wrap my head around all this. this is such a messy tumble of "wtf" in my brain rn