#AND MY PERIOD IS MAKING ME FEEL WORSE I’m taking things soooo personal cause I got pmdd

[princesslampshade]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My favorite coworker asked if I have a bf

Ending my life currently

[dilutedconfusion]

A Moth to a Flame

Eustass Kid x F!Reader (Part 3)

UMMM SOOOO YA’LL ARE LIKE THE NICEST PEOPLE EVER. Kisses and hugs to everyone who gives a semi-shit about what I write. I wrote this BEHEMOTH of a chapter and I personally think plot wise its my best yet. So get out your forks and knifes cause we eatin good today!

Summary: Having just found out Kid is a super big time murder machine Y/N is left in shock whilst sitting at the bar. Kid and Y/N finally have a coherent and tangible conversation. Emotions arise but Kid is still a total grump. In a fit of stupidity and some grief Y/N does something that I would not advise doing if you’re not like a professional idiot or something.

Warnings: Gore, NSFW (nothing actually happen theres just some sweet innuendos and mentions of NSFW related things)

Word Count: 6.3K

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Tags: @st4rfevrr @archangelshavethetardis @likeeliterallywtf @tremendoushorsepatrolgoth @tulipps-maehem (At this point, if you comment something I’m smacking ya right in the tag lists. If you don’t want that just tell me! I’m totes fine with it.)

Kid took a sip of his rum. The cool yet bitter liquid burned his throat and swirled in the deep parts of his gut. Leaning back against the pleather booth he let out a little sigh. His arm was still throbbing like a bitch. Another sign that a strong wave of phantom pain would soon be coming on. But he tried not to think about it. Hoping his brain would stop the onslaught of pain if he got it drunk enough.

Killer was sitting across from him. Using a straw to take periodic sips of his beer. They had been sitting here for a good bit but hadn’t talked too much. A comfortable silence sat between them as it usually did. Kid’s stump randomly twitching now and then though he kept his eyes closed as he tried oh-so desperately to relax.

Watching him quietly Killer noticed the small twitching movement of his partners arm. “Is it hurting again?” He asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible despite his worry.

Trying to hold himself back from being a total asshole, Kid spoke. Opening one eye and letting out a dry sigh. “I lost a fucking arm. What do you think?”

Was that the nicest reply? No. But if anyone other than Killer would have asked that question Kid would’ve just punched them. So he was getting off easy in Kid's terms.

Killer stayed quiet for a moment, grimacing under the space of his mask. “Well, you look a little strained. Is the liquor helping or making it worse?”

Kid finally opened both his eyes, leaning forward and putting an elbow up on the table in front of him. “Helping. Now quit pestering me about this shit.” Kid grabbed his glass and took another long chug of his rum. Finishing out the last bottle he had asked the bartender to make him.

Letting out a hearty burp he felt his torso sway a bit as he sat. He wasn’t drunk but he could feel that warm goopy feeling building up in his brain. Staring blankly at the rest of the vacant and dimly lit room. Listening quietly to the sounds of people in the front room of the bar. The waiter who had taken his order was working the bar itself so he knew she was going to take a while to make an extra round.

“Want me to go get ya some more? I’ll order some food so you don’t crash as hard later.” Killer murmured out, already slightly sliding to the left to get on his feet.

That made Kid's red-painted lips scrunch up, waving his hand at Killer to stop. “Get your ass back on that seat. I got it.” Kid let out a grunt and started sliding off the booth to a stand. His body swayed just slightly but he stood up normally. His huge fur coat lay discarded on the booth seat.

Kid turned towards it and picked it up. His body felt stiff like an old piece of wood. Nearly groaning at even the slightest movement and it annoyed the shit out of him. Feeling light-headed he swung his coat over his shoulders. It was a bit difficult considering the lack of an arm but Kid has since gotten used to it. Making sure that his stump was at least halfway hidden by the fur of his coat. The bandages and torn scars running along his chest were mostly hidden, though he couldn’t hide the fresh scars on his face.

“Ya know…you don’t need to hide it. They are proof that you made it through something shitty after all.” Killer whispered to Kid, knowing it was a sensitive spot on his poor Captain's mind.

Kid’s face stayed sharp and demeaning but Killer's words had gotten to him even if just a little. Letting out a huff of air he responded, “Ya don’t think I know that? I just want everything to heal a bit more. Then I’ll show it off.” With that Kid started walking away from the table, leaving Killer in his lonesome.

He bounded past the other booths. His boots hitting the wooden floor below loudly as he made his way to the other part of the building. The sounds of casual conversation floating towards him along with the satisfying sound of taps being drawn while the bartender siphoned out beer.

Walking up the two small steps that separated the rooms he could feel the air around him get just a tiny bit warmer. The low crackling fire tracing the room with a rich wooden scent and faint smoke. Walking up to the bar he paid no mind to those around him. Leaning up against the wood as another much stronger wave of pain shot up through his stump.

Shit. He thought, gritting his teeth. He would give anything to start rubbing his arm. Soothing the muscles trying to avert whatever pain would come next. But as that same waiter came up to him he had no choice but to deal with it.

She had that same polite smile on her face. Standing on the other side of the bar, her hands filling up beer glasses as she talked. “Run out? Sorry, I didn’t make a round back there. We’re pretty short-staffed right now. What can I get ya?”

“More of the same. And…some fried chicken.” Kid mumbled out, settling down onto the barstool nearest to him. The woman looked him over for a moment. Glancing at his stump and bandages for only a second. Her face turned a bit contorted in what Kid could only assume was disgust before brightening up once again.

Never seen a guy with some wounds eh? Kid thought, almost wanting to say that out loud. If he wasn’t so tired and beat up he would’ve.

Well in truth if he wasn’t in pain he'd be drinking his ass off and winning bar fights. But he was in pain, his throbbing stump a reminder of that.

“Sounds good. I can walk it back there when it’s ready.” She said in that same sweet customer service tone.

Kid just rolled his eyes at her. “I sat down. I’ll stay here and wait. Can’t go back expecting you to remember to bring the damn food.”

The bartender cringed a bit at that but remained neutral regardless. “Sounds good. Let me go get that started for you.” She said awkwardly. Walking away from Kid in a bit of a rush and heading towards what he supposed was the kitchen door.

Kid eyes watched her as she disappeared, letting out a soft tongue click in annoyance. Eventually, his eyes just started drifting. His right hand once again itching to rub his poor stump but he held back. He looked down the line of the barstools absentmindedly to take note of the few people littering the room.

However, something made his eyes pause. They hovered over a girl. She was sitting at the other end of the bar, holding up a newspaper and looking it over as if it were the most important thing in the world.

Wait a fucking minute. I’ve seen her before.

It’s not like he didn’t expect it to some extent but a part of him had already forgotten what a weird little stalker you were. He glanced over your body, seeing the same clothes, jacket, and satchel he’d seen earlier.

Damn, it is the same chick.

He just kept staring at you wondering exactly when you were going to notice him. Your eyes were so glued to the newspaper your damn nose was nearly shoved in it. Even though Kid didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, he couldn’t help but rub your face in your obvious fuck-up.

“So you really-”

“WAH!” Your body jerked randomly hearing that deep voice once again. The newspaper crinkled as your fingers dug into it. Your whole body turned towards Kid at the other end of the bar but leaned away as if he was diseased. “Goddamn it! Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

“What the fuck?” Kid mumbled out, brow furrowed in confusion as he stared at your beet-red face. Soft eyelashes blinking over and over at him again as if you couldn’t tell if he was real or not.

“What do you mean what the fuck? You snuck up on me!” You yelled, voice faltering a tiny bit as you realized just how LOUD you were being. Covering your mouth with one hand to almost suppress the sheer adrenaline running through your veins.

You hadn’t expected to be talking to him, especially since he was the one to initiate it. The mortifying news about him on the paper mixed with his sudden appearance and this lunging feeling in your gut was a lot to handle.

Kid narrowed his eyes at you, face more bemused than annoyed by what an idiot you were being. “I didn’t fucking sneak up on you. I’ve been sitting here for like 5 minutes just starin’ at your ugly ass and you didn’t even notice me.” He turned the barstool a bit more towards you, leaning his good arm against the bar gingerly.

Taking your hand off your mouth you leaned forward towards him. The multiple chairs between the two of you made the distance of the conversation a bit awkward but that wasn’t going to stop you from being an asshole. “Well if my ass is so ugly, why were you staring?”

Kid's lip twitched at that, his cheeks almost daring to blush red but he held it back. He didn’t like that you had taken his insult in that way. But before he could let it affect him he let the first thing he thought of slip past his tongue.“Cause it's so damn horrific I couldn’t look away. Plus you might as well have been licking that newspaper by the way you were holding it. Following my order like a good little puppy eh?”

Your eyes widened ever so slightly, still holding onto the newspaper rather tightly in one hand. Looking down at it for a moment like you should be ashamed before frowning at him. Kid watched and bathed in your reaction, a condescending smile on his lips. It made you reel with anger. Wanting to slap that shit-eating grin off him until he was black and blue.

“I ain’t looking at this 'cause you told me to! I wanted to do this because you wouldn’t tell me who you are. Just so happens that I know who you are now and if my calculations are correct, you’re a total asshole and a lunatic. Though I probably didn’t need the newspaper to figure that first one out.” You told him, voice quiet enough so the whole bar didn’t hear but your tone was condescendingly lethal.

Again Kid just stared at you for a moment. If anyone else would’ve given him even one-quarter of a verbal punch that you just gave him they would’ve been dead on the ground. But he was tired and though he would never admit it, your comeback was good. Letting out a strong puff of air through his sharp nose to calm his urges he decided to take the argument in a different route. One that would give him the advantage over someone who had just a tiny bit of bite to them.

“I get it, sweetcheeks. You’re desperate to know me. To get my attention. Thought you could read up on me so you could handle the real thing easier but clearly you can’t.” Kid said, raising his hand in the air so ‘matter of factly’ though his tone was anything but serious. The glint of his teeth as he smiled and the way his low voice rumbled just made you angrier by the second.

A small tint of red rising on your cheeks out of pure embarrassment. Making mouth go agape for just a moment before you concocted a comeback.

“Q-Quit acting like you're the shit, you glorified puffball. I figured out who you are and if you’re anything like how this newspaper is portraying you in real life, then I should go get a pitchfork and a torch to exile your ass.” You flipped open the newspaper and pointed it towards him. Showing him the two pictures of him committing crimes aplenty.

Hearing you call him a puffball made Kids lack of eyebrows raise in confusion, wondering why in the hell you thought he looked like a puffball. You could see the gears in his head turning as he looked down at his chest to notice the large fur coat he was wearing. Yet still, after another second of mental debriefing, he put two and two together.

“Hey don’t fucking call me a puffball!” Kid said in a slight snarl, a tiny bit of red gracing his cheeks at your comparison. Leaning forward he eye’d the pictures you were holding up. “And I look great there so I don’t know what you’re getting at. They got all my best angles. Even a good picture of me back in my start-up.”

This time it was your turn to be confused, pointing sharply at the pictures of him and even raising out your arm so he could see it better. “So we're just going to ignore all the murder. Ya know, like right here and here and here.” You pointed at the dead crucified bodies hanging limply on their crosses. Blood and splattered guts dripped out of the slightly blue and cold-looking bodies.

Kid rolled his eyes, looking at you as if you’d just said the earth was flat. He rubbed his chin almost to feign boredom as he spoke. “I don’t see what the problem is.”

And with that, you smacked yourself in the face with your palm. Rubbing a hand over your temple and scrunching your face in a mesh of lines that represented pure annoyed disbelief. Taking a deep breath you responded, “Look, I ain’t your mommy and I ain’t going to tell you what you can and cannot do. But, this is my island. You do this shit here and don’t think you’ll be leaving with all your vital organs intact.”

“Well by the sounds of it maybe I should do just that. Give me some entertainment with a good little fight.” Kid immediately quipped back, his face returning to that patronizing smile you oh-so hated.

At this point, it felt like maybe you were talking to a wall. One that was so caught up in having an argument with you he didn’t want to take you seriously. “You are just a complete fucking menace aren’t you?” That was all you could say, almost dumbfounded by his stupidity.

“I am and the people dig it. Can’t say a little danger doesn’t get ‘em all hot and bothered.” He remarked, his shit-eating grin growing even wider as he tilted his head and leaned towards you a bit more. Your face just went completely flat. Void of all emotion except annoyance and the painstaking wish he had said anything but that.

“I love it when people lie through their teeth to my face.” You said so flat and lifeless a robot might as well have said it.

Kid's eyebrows scrunched up a tiny bit, not at all pleased he didn’t get the reaction out of you he wanted. He wasn’t flirting with you, or at least that's what he thought when he said it. In all honesty, Kid has the same flirting skills as goldfish. Just making bubbles and floating by expecting someone to get drawn in by how shiny his scales were. So when he said that he actually just wanted to see you embarrassed like you had made him feel. Little to say it was the first time he felt genuinely peeved by you.

“I ain’t lyin'. I’m a big-time pirate that’s big in more places than one. What more could someone want?” He clamored out, trying to lean into his more cocky attitude. Again his innuendo is less about stroking his ego and more about getting a reaction out of you. He didn’t need confirmation that his dick was big. But he wanted you to blush because he told you.

Your eyes twitched a bit when he said that. Not knowing exactly how to interpret why he was bragging to you and most definitely not taking it as flirting at all.

As if a cocky asshole like him would ever flirt with me, he just wants me to feel small and worthless doesn’t he?

Giving him a blank dead stare you spoke, “What more could a person want? Well…I don’t know, maybe literally anyone but you.”

Kid would never in a million fucking years admit it but that shit stung. He usually never lets people's opinions cloud his view of himself. They were nobody to him so why care?

Then why the fuck am I taking what she said seriously? He mulled over this thought for a moment feeling almost ashamed that he let anything you say get through his impenetrable skin.

But he beat himself out of that thought, scowling harder than ever before and clenching his one good hand until his knuckles turned white.

You noticed this despite the multiple barstools that took up the space between the two of you. Face once dead of emotion now alight in a wave of slight nervousness and even a bit of regret.

Why the fuck did I say that? To a murderer of all people? Do I want to get killed that badly?

Kid felt his stump throb in pain once again like a hammer cast in flames slamming into every single nerve. He grits his teeth hoping you didn’t notice before responding. “Like your opinion of me matters. Quit acting like you know me. You’re nothing compared to what I am.”

You watched him carefully, eyeing the way his muscles uncomfortably tensed underneath his fur coat. The slight sheen of sweat on his brow became a bit more noticeable in the low light. It made a strange feeling of guilt swirl deep in your core seeing him like that. He was a total douchebag but it felt wrong kicking him when he was down.

“I don’t know you but I’ve met people like you. More than I’d like to admit.” Your tone was soft as you spoke, not looking him in the eye as you held on to the newspaper in an almost delicate way. “I’m just saying I don’t trust you. And…if I’m right then I have every reason to be cautious. Reading this newspaper gives you a ‘I’ll kill everyone’ air.”

Kid watched you as you spoke. His amber eyes were sharp and clear as he noticed the change in tone. It didn’t bother him but in his opinion, it sounded like the most truthful thing you’ve said so far. “I don’t just kill everybody. I have some restraint ya know.”

“Well according to this newspaper, you kill pretty much anyone all the time. To the point that it's what you are known for. I mean, look at this headline, it says slaughtering right there.” You pointed to the headline once more, laying the newspaper flat on the bar before picking up your glass. The sight of rotting flesh in the pictures forcing your heart to lurch each time you even glance at it.

“Well, all of the people I kill fucking deserve it. Do you think I hand out mercy out of sympathy for worthless people? The motherfuckers get in my way so they deserve to be in the ground.”

Kid’s voice was harsh with conviction as he spoke. As if he's said this same thing nearly a thousand times. You took another quick sip of your daiquiri. Licking the sugar off your lips with a quick swipe before glancing back over at him.

“So…are you going to do that here? On this island? String me up by my belly and let my intestines slip out?” You asked him quietly, eyes boring into him with an intensity he hadn’t seen from you before. It felt raw and almost threatening. Like you were daring him to try because you knew he would lose.

He wanted to be annoyed and he wanted to punch you right in the jaw. Snap you out of whatever diluted sense of power you seemed to be feeling. But his stump was still soaring with pain. He was managing it sure but he knew if he started moving around too much he’d topple over. So instead he resorted to using his words, which was his least favorite thing to do. “Well…I’m thinking about it but…I’m not in the mood. It's too worthless to kill someone so weak. I have bigger fish to fry.”

Your eyes narrowed, reading into him for even a sliver of deception. You didn’t know what kind of man he was. Supposing he was a liar and cheat like most of the men who traveled the sea were. So you prodded him deeper, trying to find the root of his honesty. “Could your lack of motivation to kill me…have anything to do with those injuries of yours?”

You glanced at his stump and bandages running across his chest. The scabbed-over and healing scars on his face were still red and puffy from their recent affliction. Kid's eyes widened and he leaned back away from you ever so slightly. Hating the fact that you dare mention his injuries. Hating the fact that you thought they were making him weak. That they were holding him back.

That rage he had been holding in ever since it happened started to bubble up. The same rage that he felt for his crew members when they pitied him. The same rage he felt for himself. He had to look away, trying to regain himself. Control his overwhelming urges to not only split your face open but break every piece of furniture within ten feet of him.

He finally looked back at you, ready to scream his head off, “Don’t you dare-”, but he paused.

It was surprising to see your face like that.

It stopped him dead in his tracks, his once boiling rage now a soft simmer within only a second.

Kid didn’t know how to describe it. It was like you weren’t looking at him for who he was. For the scars he held. Those eyes of yours were looking at him for what he is. Deep somber orbs filled with nothing but…empathy?

No…that’s not the right word. It doesn’t feel…like it’s meant to be helpful or caring. Not an ounce of pity.

Familiarity. She knows how I feel.

Kid wasn’t good at reading people's emotions. He could barely understand his own emotions most of the time. So it was strange how he met you in the middle with just a glance.

Even though it didn’t last more than a few seconds.

“I have another pitcher of beer, a tall glass of rum, and that chicken you ordered.” Came the voice of the waiter. Walking through the swinging door with a large tray in hand carrying all the contents she mentioned.

Your face contorted to embarrassment as you watched the waiter stride up towards Kid. He had to force himself to look away from you, wanting to continue the conversation with you despite himself.

What the fuck has gotten into me?

Kid nearly rolled his eyes at himself. Feeling a pang of heat cross his cheeks he let out a grumbling cough to mask it. The waiter placed the tray carefully in front of Kid at the bar.

“Sorry for the wait but does everything look good?” She asked, sliding her body behind the bar and eyeing both Kid and you. Her eyes were bouncing between the two of you a bit, clearly wondering the origins of the tension floating in the air.

Oh god. She even knows I was researching him. You thought to yourself. Feeling like you’d been caught in the act of doing something reckless and stupid.

Kid stared down at the tray, his jaw tight as he let out a deep breath of air he’d been holding in. “It’s fine.” He grumbled, again that ache in his stump making his eye twitch.

Sliding his weight down onto the floor he stood up. His back cracked a bit as he rolled his shoulders trying to subside the ache. You watched him silently. Gliding your eyes gently across his wide shoulders. How the strong muscles there tensed and rolled as he moved. His smooth pale mounds of warm skin with bandages on every other inch lingering in your mind. His height was just as demeaning as you remember it though you still were a good ten feet away.

Always close enough to talk but not close enough to be considered next to him.

His hand tugged his coat around his shoulders a bit more, before he haphazardly tried to pick up the tray. His thick and lacquer-covered fingertips tried to dig under the tray without spilling anything. His one-handed skills at doing pretty much anything got in the way of even the simplest tasks of his life.

“You sure…you don’t need a little help?” The waiter softly asked. Watching Kid as she cleaned off the countertops with a rag.

“Say that again and don’t expect to be going home tonight with a tongue.” Kid spat back, his voice dripping with venom.

The waiter again nearly clammed up but backed off almost immediately. She was used to dealing with pirates but…this man was on a whole other level. Staying quiet and walking over towards your side of the bar instead.

She glanced at you but you didn’t pay much attention. Instead, you were trying to slyly watch as Kid finally wound his large hand underneath the tray. Holding it up easily on his palm at shoulder level before starting to walk away. Disappearing through a doorway without even a second glance towards you.

You let out a small displeased huff of air. At least expecting a glance or chance to continue that conversation. You felt like you were getting somewhere with that. Getting to know him a bit better. It was interesting beyond belief and if someone asked you if you’d rather stay at home in safety or talk to a scary pirate. Well…you would choose a scary pirate every time.

It felt nostalgic and it made your boring life more lively. That is until the waiter got in the way.

“You okay hun? He didn’t threaten you right?” She asked softly, giving you a sympathetic smile as she continued to wipe the bar.

You gave her a little quirk of a smile purely just for show. Not willing to give her a hard time for breaking up your conversation with that man. “Yeah, I’m fine. He did nothing wrong.”

“Well that I don’t believe. Seems to me like he's nothing but a walking pile of wrong.”

You stayed silent at first. Fiddling with your glass a tiny bit before finally picking it up to your lips and finishing the last of it off. Gulping it down and feeling the smooth taste of it run down to swirl in your gut.

“Well sometimes…a whole lotta wrong is just right.”

__________

No matter how much you wanted to, you couldn’t force yourself to stand up and walk into the back room of the bar. To go face that redhead again and his masked friend.

His name is not redhead, it's Kid. Eustass ‘Captain’ Kid. That thought dawned upon you as you thought over your conversation with him. You knew his name but hadn’t spoken it out loud even once. Even now his name stays within the confines of your mind. You had learned it while reading the newspaper along with the aforementioned Massacre Soldier, that blondie that’s with him.

Mulling over the idea of going and talking to them you tried to hype yourself up multiple times to gain the courage.

Come up with a catchy one-liner that would make you just a bit more likable. Maybe say nothing and sit down next to one of them like you own the place.

Assert dominance. Yeah….no.

You had no reason that wasn’t deathly embarrassing when explaining WHY you wanted to sit with them.

I’m just…bored, which would lead them to joke about my small, stupid, and uninteresting life. Maybe even lead Kid into bragging about how ‘important’ and ‘amazing’ he is compared to me.

Even thinking about that made your face sour. Rolling your eyes at nothing like you had just heard the worst joke imaginable.

I could…tell them that I have this strong gut feeling and it's dragging me towards them like a fish on a hook, which would lead to them being confused, taking it as flirting or calling me…ugh desperate.

That word crawled on your skin and sunk into your flesh. Like a tick taking root so one way or another you’d end up with Lyme disease or even worse, a bruised self-image.

You weren’t about to let that happen but this longing in your gut was almost incurable.

You even tried to calm down and look at your situation in a simpler light.

It’s just two men. Two pirates. You’ve dealt with pirates. You know how they work. You told yourself, hands feeling clammy as they gripped the edge of the bar. I already talked to one of them and it went…okay. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself and it went horribly.

You slouched in your chair and frowned. Nearly slamming your head down on the bar but you held back. Remembering you were indeed, still in public and if you wanted to wallow in your self-loathing you needed to go home for that.

I don’t need more people thinking I’m crazy.

You eventually stood up, walking to the point where you were just at the precipice of the doorway before panic struck you and you turned around just to walk straight out of the bar.

Red as a tomato and filled with shame you retreated into the night.

Did I even tell him my name?

You chewed your lips, the pleasant sounds of raindrops hitting the hood of your jacket and filling up your ears. It was a dark walk home. One that felt unmotivated to return home. You’d rather be out here, at night. The barren surroundings, whirring trees in the wind, and the rain pleasant yet cold. So you started meandering, walking as slow as you could despite the late hours.

Now and then the moon would peek through the clouds as if to say hello. A far-off lantern leaving a cool milky glow on your surroundings before being swallowed up by darkness once again.

Thank god my jacket is waterproof. You thought, watching the raindrops slip off the edge of your hood and in front of your face. It wasn’t a downpour just yet but it was not the best walking weather in most people's minds.

Yet even so you started making a detour.

What the fuck am I even doing?

At some point, while walking along the slightly muddy but managing trail to your home you made a hard 90-degree turn. Walking away from the direction of the little cabin your father had built when you were born, deep on the west side of the island.

It took about a half hour to walk through those woods to your house. Strong iron lanterns hung up on a few trees so you didn't get lost in the night. The animals are far too afraid to even step foot near your trail ever since your father claimed this portion of land.

So you were safe thankfully but what you weren’t safe from was yourself.

The trail you turned off onto led straight to the ocean. It was a bit muddier and more overgrown with thick roots and ferns but you have walked on this trial nearly half of your life. You knew it better than anyone because you were the one who made it.

Now and then you could hear the low rumble of lightning in the distance. Not too close but not entirely far off. The evergreens, birch and a few sparing oaks protecting you from the onslaught of the wind. As the wind cascaded through their branches it sounded like the raw howl of banshee. It creeped you out a bit but it was something you’ve heard before. This forest home even in the looming hours of the night.

Eventually, you breached the forest and reached the shoreline. The rain had died down a little, just a light pitter-patter against your jacket. The sand was wet but solid as you stepped down onto it. Your feet sunk in just a bit held against your weight regardless.

Looking out you noticed the ocean was in havoc. Waves nearly half your height would roll in and crash down like a bomb along the shore. The ocean tugged the water back in a greedy fashion as if it wanted to consume the land. Tall white-tipped waves stretching far out into the bay. The scent of salt, seaweed, and something oh-so comforting gliding in the space between you and the water.

Gosh if it's this bad here, I wonder what it’s like out on the open sea right now.

You looked down the shoreline, spotting the docks more towards the middle of the bay off to your left. There lay a few fishing ships, all bobbing up and down like pelicans in the water. But of course those weren’t the boats your eyes stayed glued to.

The contrast between those boats and the absolute behemoth that was the Kid Pirates ship was amazing. It was a good distance away, much bigger looking than it had originally been when you first spotted it. Squinting your eyes you could still make out a few shadows of people walking along its deck.

Your memory started floating into the forefront of your mind. Days on a deck like that. Nights spent harboring the seas as you tossed and turned in your bed. It felt like ages ago. That part of your life was now foreign to you the second the incident happened.

I wonder what he would’ve wanted for me.

Grief sunk deep into the root of your being. Covering the very base of who you are in a thick, oily, and dark substance. One that no matter how many times you tried to wash it off, it just wouldn’t go away.

“Goddamn it,” You muttered, trying to will yourself out of the feelings you held. You looked over at the sea once again, eyes trailing off towards your right. A long line of huge boulders stretched out into the waters. Built to elongate the bay and protect the land from bigger waves.

Without a thought, you walked towards it. The jetty calling your name as it has done a million times.

Climbing up onto the slick boulders you made sure to stay towards the shoreline side. The other side of the boulders, facing towards the open ocean, getting berated with large waves. You could barely hear yourself think with how loud it was. The light spritz of water landed on you periodically as you slowly and carefully traversed the boulders. Algae, kelp, starfish, and mussels littered around you. Wanting to trip you up whenever they could.

This is stupid, I can’t see shit. You thought, using your hands to steady yourself on any taller outcroppings of rock as your feet trembled underneath you. It wasn’t out of fear though, it was excitement. Excitement to do something dangerous. Excitement to try something so stupid.

Why am I like this? It’s cold and wet and I could fall into the ocean, get thrashed, and drown.

But you knew why you were like this. You knew exactly why and yet you still didn’t understand yourself. Feet moving without a thought. Your brain so focused on feeling something more than yourself that you don't care to stop.

At first, you didn’t even notice them. The pair of eyes watching you from a distance. Red-painted lips frowned in confusion as they eyed the familiar image of a girl seemingly trying to get herself killed.

In the cacophony of the waves and how they thrashed you heard another noise. A low deep whine of something in the distance. Your head perked up, blinking as if you had heard a ghost. As if the wind and waves were trying to talk to you. Thinking it was nothing you continued along until a second later you heard it again.

You looked out onto the sea towards your left, swallowing hard as you stared at the rocking waves just a few feet below you. You pressed your back up against a flat boulder at your side. Gripping onto it to keep your balance you finally glanced back at the shore.

What the-

An image of a man, a puffball-shaped man to be exact, standing at the edge of the shore right next to the jetty. You couldn’t make out his features but there was no denying who it was. His one intact arm waving and pointing toward something in your vicinity.

What the fuck?

The second you finished this thought something hit you.

Something dangerously cold and heavy enveloping you. Starting from the top of your head down to your toes. It burned your eyes as the cold sunk deep into your marrow.

Scraping your hands against the rock as you tried to stay upright, though the second it broke skin you were forced to let go. Your knees caving in under the insurmountable weight thrashed upon you.

One second you were standing and in the next you were getting sucked into the dark and desolate ocean below.

A/N: SHIT IS GETTING REAL YA’LL. BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING. I wrote this with my eyes comically wide the whole time. Sorry to leave ya’ll on like a cliffhanger but it makes for good story telling so have fun suffering. Quirky reminder but Kid can’t swim. So like….yeah shes fucked. I mean she did it to herself but still. RIP Y/N 🙏 or a least RIP until the next chapter.

[wave2tyun]

sooo, hello!!🥹💞 or welcome back!!!!

i don’t really know how to start this, at first i prepared a pretty long text because i wanted to explain why exactly i deactivated and what has been happening, but in the end i chose to scrap that and not get into in detail because it’s all related to my personal life and it's probably better to just keep that private, plus it’s some pretty heavy stuff as well, and i don't want to load that onto you. so this has kind of turned into a ramble instead amdbjdn

truth is that i have been struggling, a lot. october was one of the worst months mentally for me, which is when i chose to deactivate. at some point i did start slowly feeling better and i wanted to come back on here earlier than this but then things got worse🙂 like so much fucking worse😭😭 it’s still hard to believe and it still hurts and i almost can’t stop thinking about it, but looking back, i’m at least glad about getting through things the way i did- because i feel like the me one year ago would have acted and handled those situations so differently, or maybe i would have barely been able to handle them at all.

in the midst of it all, i started to lose my passion for writing. writing stopped being a form of escapism or a way for me to use my creativity. it just felt like a burden. whenever i wanted to write and opened up a doc i just felt paralyzed only by looking at it. i couldn’t get anything out, nothing for days on end. i felt like i was losing myself, in multiple aspects, not just writing, and the disappointment that overcame me only added more and more to my stress.

and i’m not going to lie, i’m still struggling a lot to write again :’) but i do want to give it another try. maybe it’s the fact that i first started out last year in december that is kinda making my heart tingle for it again andbjsns this period of time feels nostalgic:(

however, due to personal reasons (not regarding anyone on here, just to make that clear) i’d feel much safer and much more at ease to continue with a different username, i hope you guys can understand. i do feel very attached to my previous one but i really want to be able to post comfortably.

i do kind of regret deleting my other blog because of all the memories i’ve lost, but at the same time i’m also happy i did it because in a way it allowed me to fully choose to work things out and focus on myself without feeling burdened or rushed.

i don’t know how long it’s gonna take for me to post something new. i’ve been working on multiple things at once but the progress has been quite slow ambdkdn but at least it’s something!!!! so it might take a long time, it might also not. i don’t know, i’m just gonna let things be and let them happen whenever they happen. maybe you guys can also tell me some of the fics i should repost?? i won’t do them all at once cause they were quite a lot and that would clog up the tags anbdjdnd + i also need to proofread them again cause most of the time i’d do that directly on tumblr before posting🥲

soooo yeah. if you’ve read through this whole post, i really appreciate it!! :(<33 i’m happy to return on here while being in a better state, and if there’s anybody who would like to talk, do feel free to send me a message or an ask!! i’m still at home on winter break, but i will go on a trip pretty soon😔✊🏻 just so you know in case i might be slow with posting/replying!!

i hope 2024 will treat both me and you well. i hope it can be a year of growth and love, a year where we can freely let go and start anew. in a world where you constantly get beat down for everything i still want to choose to be gentle, sensitive, and soft. i love you guys!!!! :(💞💓💖💘💞💓💞

[shawnmendesbuddy]

LOVE AND HATE

Summary: Shawn and Y/N have hated each other for a long time now. But lucky for them, a little magic can make all the difference.

Warnings: Drunk Shawn (if that even counts)

A/N: So this is my first imagine, don’t judge me 😬. It’s not perfect, but give me feedback in the comments, thanks!

Sometimes the world is not as it appears. Sometimes people fall in love and tell each other. Sometimes people fall in love and instead of telling each other, they create an intense hate for the other to push their feelings away. But love and hate are so closely related that sometimes feelings get mixed up. Especially when there is a dash of magic involved.

“Pleeeaaaasssseeee let me hold your haaannnd,” Shawn slurred out to Y/N. At first she thought he had been messing with her as one of his cruel jokes, but after a half hour of his persistency, she granted him his wish of following her around the club. Now he wanted to hold her hand and Y/N was not going to let it happen.

Y/N was unsure if Shawn had gotten so drunk that he forgot that they hated each other, or if someone had slipped him a little Amour into his cup. Amour was an extremely rare flower that was said to make you fall in love with someone for a short period of time if inhaled or ingested. Y/N hoped it was the latter because then she would never let Shawn live it down.

You see, Shawn and Y/N hadn’t always been enemies. In fact, all the way up until sixth grade they were best friends. Neither Y/N nor Shawn knows who started it, but one day, their friendship shifted into a hateful thing and they had never gotten past it.

Some people would argue with them and say that the reason they grew distant and hateful toward the other was to push them away so they wouldn’t find out their true feelings about the other person.

But Shawn and Y/N were so engrossed in stopping the other person from finding out their feelings for them, that they couldn’t see that they both felt the same way.

“Please Y/N. I just want to hold your hand so bad. Please.” He begged again. Y/N ignored him and walked away. She heard a whimper behind her, but refused to turn around.

“Y/N you realize that when someone is under the influence of Amour and you’re the person they’re in love with and you leave them alone or ignore them they are in physical pain. It’s like the worst heartbreak you’ve ever felt but ten times worse. And you also suffer low self esteem as one of the side effects if the person you fell in love with ain’t giving you attention?” Laney ranted on.

She had been very intrigued in the Amour plant for as long as Y/N could remember. She knew so much about it, and all she was doing was spewing facts at Y/N to try and make her help Shawn.

Y/N had to admit that she felt a little guilty about making him go thorough that. She cared for him deep down but she couldn’t show it or else he would never talk to her again. She would rather have rude and spiteful Shawn than no Shawn. So Y/N turned back around, sighed, and reached her hand out to Shawn’s , who’s face beamed with the biggest smile she’d seen him give her since right before they started hating each other.

“Aww thank you so much Y/N You’re so beautiful.” Shawn whispered into Y/N’s ear causing shivers to go down her spine. He hadn’t called her beautiful in the longest of times. Her heart stuttered in her chest.

“Can I hug you, please?” Shawn gave her puppy dog eyes and Y/N nodded as he pulled her into a bone crushing hug.

“You’re going to have to bring him home with you tonight, you realize that?” Laney said.

Shawn released Y/N and kissed her forehead. “Ooh, when we get back to your place, can we cuddle?”

Y/N chuckled. “You know, on a normal day Shawn, you hate me.” Shawn’s eyes widened at what Y/N had said.

“How could I ever hate an angel like you? Are you sure that’s not a different Shawn you’re thinking of?”

“I’m positive.”

“Well then I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I promise I’ll never hurt you again. Forgive me?” Y/N chuckled as Shawn pouted.

“You realize that when the Amour loses its effects you’ll break that promise?” Y/N’s voice dropped with sadness. Sometimes she just wanted her best friend back.

“Why?! I don’t understand!” Shawn whined. “I’m in love with you so how could I hate you?”

Now Shawn was genuinely confused. Yes he was under the effects of the Amour, but he had always harbored feelings for Y/N. And he had regretted ever being mean to her or making her feel worthless. His intentions were to make her distance herself but it didn’t work too well since they had the same friends.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. He hoped to remember the promise that he made her once the effects wore off. He wasn’t positive who had slipped him the Amour, but he was pretty sure it has been Laney. She had wanted a test subject for years and she must have just got her hands on some Amour and what better way to test then on her best friend’s enemy.

Y/N dragged Shawn out to her car and helped him into the passenger’s seat. He whimpered in pain when she let go of his hand and closed the door. He had to be touching Y/N or it felt like he was being pricked in the heart by a bunch of tiny needles.

“Here you go,” Y/N said offering her hand up to him once she had started the car.

“Thanks,” Shawn said kissing it and putting it back on the middle console with his hand clasped in hers.

“Actually, instead of going to my house, let’s just head to yours. You have a comfier couch anyways.” Y/N said.

Though their hate had stopped them from being friends years ago, Shawn’s friends requested that he invite her to every group hangout that he hosted at his house. Shawn would act out out about it, but secretly would love the fact that Y/N would be at his house.

***

“Hurry up and get in my house. It’s been soooo loooong since me and you have been alone together.” Shawn whined pulling Y/N into his house. “Do you want something to drink? Let’s watch a show and have snacks like we used to do when...before...” Y/N was surprised that even in his state, he could remember what had happened between them or at least sort of.

“Umm, I don’t know if a movie is the best thing to watch,” In truth, Y/N would’ve loved to have watched a movie with Shawn because she missed the old times, but she was worried about what Shawn would try during the movie. Plus, it was already 10:45 and she wasn’t sure she could stay awake much longer.

Shawn pouted his lips at Y/N and she sighed. “I’m putting my foot down because it’s late and I’m tired and taking care of you is not something I’m very fond of doing!” She snapped at Shawn. She didn’t mean to, but she was exhausted and wanted to go to bed.

A tear fell down on Shawn’s cheek. “Umm I’m sorry. I... I don’t want to be an inconvenience, but I guess I must’ve really hurt you and I’m sorry. I thought there might’ve been a little part of you that still cared about me. Umm...goodnight Y/N.”

Y/N felt her heart ache for the boy. She remembered Laney saying that people under the influence of Amour were extremely sensitive to what the person that they “love” says and does.

Shawn trudged over to his room and closed the door. Y/N walked through his apartment—something she’d never done when she’d been over—and found pictures of when they were kids and still friends. She found one where Shawn had his arm wrapped around her shoulders and they were staring at each other in a way she could only define as love.

Y/N shook her head and sighed, walking over to Shawn’s piano. She touched a few of the keys and looked up at the sheet music resting on the piano. ‘Why’ was the name of the song.

Y/N jumped when she heard the clicking of Shawn’s door opening. “I...umm...I’m taking the couch tonight, you can sleep in my bed.” He was dressed in a white t-shirt and black sweatpants and his hair was tousled. Y/N’s heart swooned at the sight.

Y/N shook her head. “I can’t take your bed, this is your house and I’ve been so mean to you.”

“Well I’m not taking the bed so you better so my bed isn’t wasted tonight.” Shawn shot her puppy eyes.

“Fine, but just because you gave me puppy eyes.”

“I uh...” Shawn scratched the back of his neck. Y/N hadn’t seen this nervous side of Shawn in a while. Usually he was really cocky around her. “I left some clothes out for you to change into, but if you don’t, I get it.”

“Thank you, I’m sorry for yelling at you,” Y/N said hugging Shawn and kissing his cheek. “Goodnight.”

***

Shawn woke in the middle of the night in cold sweats. His head ached and he was disoriented. And why was he on the couch? And were those...no it couldn’t have been Y/N’s shoes at the door. But...he didn’t know anyone else that were specially made pink Doc Martins.

So did that mean that Y/N was in his house...right now? Not just for a group hang out? No, that couldn’t be. Shawn shook his head.

He thought back to the night before. He had gone to a club with his friends and Y/N was there. She looked so beautiful, as always. And then...Laney offered to buy him a drink. And...oh gosh!

His memories came flooding back to him and he cringed in embarrassment. How could he have let himself go so far as to cry in front of her? She seemed almost...happy in his memories that he was talking to her. Did she really care that much if he was in love with her? There was nothing more he could do to harm their friendship.

What if...what if this was his only chance to talk to her normally without it being awkward because she thought he was still under the influence of Amour. All he would have to do is act like he did yesterday. It would be easy, right?

Shawn cleared his thoughts and grabbed his phone which was resting on the coffee table. 5:00 AM. He should at least get up and go to the gym or something.

He heard the door to his bedroom opening and he quickly covered his head with blankets and pretended to be asleep. “Ahem,” he heard Y/N clear her throat. It was one of the cutest things ever and Shawn couldn’t help but blush.

He slowly stretched and yawned pretending like he was waking up. He cracked his eyes open and smiled at Y/N. She was dressed in one of his gym shorts and his gym shirt. She looked so adorable in his clothes and Shawn’s heart fluttered.

“Umm good morning. I hope you don’t mind that I’m wearing some of your gym clothes, but I kinda wanted to work out. Do you want to come with me?” Shawn nodded his head eagerly, perhaps too eagerly, even for someone under Amour.

***

“Here, let me pay for that,” Shawn said pulling out a 20 and placing it on the counter at the smoothie shop.

“You shouldn’t have paid for me. I’ve been awful to you. Well you probably don’t even remember. You probably won’t even remember this conversation in a couple of hours. I think the affects are only supposed to last 12 or so hours. Let’s see, you started acting up at around 10:00 so we have,” Y/N checked her watch,”3 hours, give or take.”

Shawn nodded his head trying to act oblivious. He was unsure what to do. Should he just tell her?

“Y/N I’m not under the influence of Amour. Or at least not anymore. I haven’t been since I woke up.”

Y/N looked up at him, her eyes widening. “Okay then, tell me something that only you would know if you weren’t influenced.”

Shawn scoffed and shook his head. “I’ve made you cry more times than I want to even think about. When we were in sixth grade and I vowed that I would never hurt you, I broke it. So many times. But I thought that by breaking it,” Shawn sighed taking Y/N’s hands into his own. “I was scared. I fell in love with you. I didn’t want to ruin anything. I didn’t understand why I felt nervous around you. I thought that maybe if I distance myself right then, I could fix our friendship later. But the only way you would leave me alone was if I really hurt you. So I did what I thought I had to do. And I’ve been regretting it since then. Every time I would say something mean, I would cry myself to sleep thinking I hurt your feelings. And I kept the act up because you would be mean right back to me and I thought you hated me. But I can’t keep doing that. I’m in love with you. Every song I’ve written about love has been about you. My cards are all out on the table. You can take them or...you know...leave them.” Shawn said voice quieting towards the end.

“I’m so glad to hear that Shawn! So incredibly glad! Was that song on the piano I think it was called ‘Why’, was that about me?” Shawn nodded his head.

Y/N pulled his ear down to her mouth. “Let’s not put each other through hell and let’s get over ourselves.” Shawn smiled and pulled Y/N into a sweet passionate kiss which she returned.

Sometimes love and hate are so similar that who you hate is the person that you love.

[straynstay]

Hellooo~! I reaally love your hybrid AU! ❤❤❤ Would you write number 3 with Hybrid!Chan? Maybe with a slight of angst and fluff if its possible? Thank youuu ❤

thank yooooou! ☺️

soooo, I think I might have wrote a lot, but I hope it’s okay lol thanks for requesting ♥️

-

He was gone. You couldn't believe it, you thought your mind was playing a prank on you, or that maybe he was playing a prank on you, but he was actually gone. Chan was nowhere to be seen and his closest friends didn't know where he could be. You were in tears while printing posters of "have you seen my hybrid?" with the cutest picture you had of him, his information and your phone number as contact. Something must have happened because Chan would have never leave you like this, he has beeen your hybrid pet since you were eight years old, a gift from your parents on your birthday, and he has been with you through thick and thin. He wouldn't have vanished like that, but the police couldn't care less of missing pets, so you had to search for him yourself. Chan was not only your pet, he was your companion, your best friend, someone that had always supported you and stick to your side, he was your everything, and he was gone.

You were on the streets handing out the posters and asking people to help you out.

"Have you seen him? He's a koala hybrid, he's really clingy, he loves giving hugs..." you didn't remember or cared how many times you repeated this sentence and how many times you heard "no, I'm sorry". You were exhausted from walking around town, but your heart was shattered because you didn't receive any good news. But you couldn't give up, you'd find Chan no matter how many times you'd have to print posters or ask people. His friends were helping out the way they could, but being hybrids themselves, they didn't have much freedom to go out and about like you.

Your sadness only got worse as five days passed and there was no news on Chan's whereabouts. You were lying on your bed, tears wetting your pillow again, and there was no strength in you to get up and go on with life. Your parents came in to force you to eat, but you only took a few bites of whatever they were offering you and laid down again.

"You can't stay like this forever, you have to move on" your mom gave your leg a few strong taps.

"How can I move on when Chan could be starving, cold, sick?" you resumed crying.

"I'm seriously getting tired of this by now, he's just a pet, get over it" your father said, as nice as always.

"HE'S NOT JUST A PET!" you screamed feeling an irrational anger boiling inside you. You were fed up with their comments on your relationship with Chan, especially now that you were supposed to be moving to college and the dorms inside the campus wouldn't allow pets. Your parents made a fuss about how they didn't want to take care of Chan, how much a nuisance it would be, how you should just leave him on a pound because you couldn't take him with you either, and it just stressed you out so much you just wanted to scream at them to shut up. But Chan, being the angel he is, helped you out, comforting you with his miraculous hugs and precious words of wisdom, and you cooled down before snapping at your parents and making everything worse. You didn't know why they acted like that when the solution was quite simple, you just had to fill up a form and ask to be transferred to the dorms outside the campus that allowed pets. That was it! But no, they stressed you out, said hateful words about Chan to you, and all for nothing. Your college even sent you a confirmation email the day Chan got lost, but you were so worried about him that you didn't even remebered to update your parents on your situation. Not that you cared now.

"I swear to God, this is ridiculous. Get up and start packing, you're moving in less than a week!" you father demanded and you sat on your bed.

"Chan is lost! Don't you get it? I'll only pack when he comes back! I'm not leaving him behind!"

"He's never coming back!" your father retorded.

"Then I won't go to college!" you exclaimed throwing your hands up.

"Don't even joke about it" your mom warned you.

"If you give up college because of that mangy koala hybrid you're never stepping inside this house again!" your father threatened, pointing his index finger in your face.

"I'll join Chan on the streets, then! Might as well leave now" you got up angrily grabbing your phone, your backpack and stompping out of your bedroom. You quickly put on your shoes and took your car keys, leaving your house determined to not go back. You drove aimlessly, tears blurring your vision, and your heart aching. Chan would have never let this happen, he was always mediating your relationship with your parents, he was always calming you down and telling you the right things to say or do when it came to your parents, but Chan wasn't there to help you today and it hurts too much. It hurts because your parents should be more supportive of you and your decisions, and because the only one that actually cared about you would probably never come back. You parked near your old elementary school and your brain decided to be annoying and make you revive all your memories with Chan. You didn't think you had tears left to cry, but you were wrong. Your body convulsed with your hiccups while tears flooded your face, carrying your pain with them, as you tried to control your wailing, but to no avail.

Your phone interrupted your weeping, and you soon answered it when you saw it was Seungmin calling you. He went straight to the point, telling you to go to his house cause they had found Chan. And you did. You drove like a crazy person, but you weren't in your right state of mind, you only cared about seeing him again and never letting him go away ever again.

"Where's he? Where's he?" you said already pushing past Seungmin when he opened the door, and entering his house without invitation. Woojin and Jisung stepped back from the couch to let you get closer, but you cried even harder seeing Chan. He looked terrible.

"What happened?" you asked plopping down on your knees and caressing his face. Chan had lost too much weight, his cheekbones were more proeminent, his eyes deep with dark circles, several bruises and scars on his arms and probably on the rest of his body, his hair was a mess and he seemed really fragile. You've never seen him like this in your life and it terrified you, you were ten times more worried now.

"Life on the streets is not easy" Woojin replied because Chan was too weak to do so.

"Oh my God, Chan..." you petted his hair and bit your lower lip, trying to stop more tears to flow. He was having a hard time breathing too, and he was too sick to even keep his eyes open for a long period of time.

"We have to take him to a hospital, my car is outside, we can go now" you said looking at the boys, but Jisung shook his head.

"We tried, but they don't take in hybrids" he replied wrapping his tail around his body as if to comfort him.

"No, but I'm his owner, they'll listen to me, I'll be paying for everything, they have to take him in, he's sick!" the boys looked at you with pitiful eyes, and you rubbed your face.

"We're hybrids" Seungmin stated to make you understand that they would never be treated as human beings, although they were part human. "We'll give you some time alone while we prepare some soup for him and Jisung runs him a bath, okay?" Seungmin placed his hand on your shoulder and you squeezed it, mouthing a "thank you". You sat on the floor, resting your forehead on Chan's upper arm.

"I'm so sorry, this is all my fault" you said sighing.

"It's not your fault" Chan spoke for the first time. His voice was nearly above a whisper, but loud enough for you to hear and make your heart skip a beat. "I shouldn't have ran away"

"Why have you done it, then?" you asked raising your head to take in his changed features.

"Because I couldn't take it anymore, all those people talking about me being just your pet, telling you to put me on a pound, I was nearly losing my mind" Chan coughed. "But it got worst when your own parents told you to get rid of me because you're moving to college and your dorms won't accept pets. I knew I couldn't be there anymore meddling in your happiness, stoping you from living your life, I knew I had to go. Besides, it's what you all always choose to do anyways" Chan coughed more.

"Who?"

"Owners" Chan seemed really tired, he was blinking slower each time. "You always abandon us" his statement hit you like a bullet to your heart to finish shatter to smitherins your already broken pieces. He was so wrong, how could he not see how much you cared about him?

"I wouldn't have abandoned you" your voice was weak because of the tears you were fighting to hold back, but you grabbed Chan's hand tightly and stared straight into his eyes. "I would have never abandoned you, I love you" you confessed kissing with almost reverence the back of his cold hand. Chan let out his breath and smiled softly, closing his eyes.

"This is a dream coming true, you know? Hearing you say you love me"

"Should've said it earlier"

"Yeah, probably"

"I'm sorry"

"It's alright now, don't cry" Chan opened his arms and you promptly put yourself in his embrace, being careful not to hurt him in any way. "There you go, hugs make everything better" he ran his fingers through your hair.

"Please, don't ever leave again, I'd die without you" you mumbled with your lips pressed to the skin on his neck.

"I won't, I promise" he hugged you tighter, making it seem like he was never letting you go, and that's exactly what you wanted.

[mayonakazkrazy]

Soooooooo I wanna talk about an Animated Movie

One night recently, I may have been watching a show that started giving me too many... ‘too real life’ vibes, when what i needed in the moment was ‘taking a break to mentally and emotionally recharge’ time. SOOOO to redirect my overstimulated brain I changed over to a ‘safe’ non threatening movie, Monster House.

Spoilers below the cut in a sort of review as well as some random details that i noticed that make me go ‘... well that got real fast...’ and one tangent/character dive i been wanting to get into toward the end.

Also fair warning about my run on sentences... they’re not going anywhere

Monster House is... a CG movie that oddly enough gives off Claymation vibes... at least to me from certain style design choices. I honestly feel that sort of works in it’s favor since the CG of the mid 2000s was.... terrifying if care wasn’t take in the process. Not good if you want you film to be taken seriously, buuut this movie manages to tow the line because a) it IS supposed to be at least a little scary to kids... haunted house? and b) even though the characters take things seriously enough the writing itself doesn’t try TOO hard to pretend it’s more than it is.

As it stands, the movie is Ok - in the best possible vein of ok. Not some epic, groundbreaking thing but I think it warrants being on people’s list of fun movies to play on Halloween. Visually interesting and funny, you can tell that the people who made the movie at least had fun working on it; and cared more about the project than some other kids’ movies that get put out purely for the easy cash grab via paint by numbers. (I found out that this movie was nominated for Best Animated Feature apparently?! like... i like this movie but... i don’t know, i’ll have to see what other movies came out that year cuz while i like it i’d like to reiterate that i don’t know if it’s BEST (animated/kids) movie of the year material...)

I can honestly say that it was at the Start if not ahead of the ‘remember the 80s?’ fad in movies. Again, not to the film’s discredit. It’s less concerned with smacking you over the head with ‘EIGHTIES!’ and is more set in the time period to make things more plausible. Ya got kids running around unattended for hours without parental guidance, and a number of other 80′s tropes that are, easily ignored at worse and make story elements more believable at best. I mean... .when ELSE would you believe that kids could run around basically unattended for HOURS just before Halloween....hell one kid ACTUALLY STEALS an amount of cold medicine that would have you on MULTIPLE investigative lists even 15 years ago. And NOT just because “the parents are just bad parents”... there’s arguably only one ACTUALLY bad parent in the film who’s only mentioned off-hand but i’ll talk about in a little bit. The rest are parents with semi justifiable reasons for either not believing their respective kid about the haunted house or not thinking they’re NOT unattended (ie. someone’s supposed to be babysitting one of these kids but SURPRISE! she’s in the “selfish teen is a disinterested babysitter spending more time talking to or about boys than ACTUALLY doing the job she’s paid to do” trope)

TLDR on that paragraph, this movie spends so little time being WE”RE THE 80′S! that i wasn’t even sure WHEN it was supposed to take place if it wasn’t for the lack of iPhones and the stationwagons all over.

ANYWAY. some details that tend to stand out to me with this movie tend to be the things that we just get to hear about briefly and are arguably meant to encourage conversation if someone NEEDS to know more about it rather than just getting EVERYTHING explained for no good reason. So enjoy me conversing with myself here.

First up, Chowders family life is kind of sad. Like i said earlier there’s only one or two parents to the three main characters of the movie that people would likely consider ACTUALLY bad. 

The lead’s, DJ’s, parents go out of town at the start of the movie and could reasonably be expected to think that their kid was being watched by the babysitter (see trope rant above). 

The mother of the token female character (Jenny) is Maaayyybe a bad parent but that is to be argued as we only have a few reasons to believe so and some can be explained by the aforementioned 80′s era lack of parental awareness. All we really know is that, this girl is walking around selling candy on her own, gets nearly eaten by the Monster House, and when she calls her mother to tell her about it, the mom doesn’t believe her as no parent ever does about monsters. Sooooo while she does get points off for her kid not even having someone with her during the candy selling, we also don’t hear from or about her again for the rest of the movie until just, coming to pick her up at the end. She get’s a *shrug* on the scale of good or bad parenthood.

Then there’s our secondary male character, Chowder The Dumb One Comic Relief. He’s the one with arguably the most complicated family that we get any insight to. and it’s pretty much just from his off-handed comments on it and a single snipet of a phone call we get to overhear. Literally, what you are about to read, my brain managed to over think from these freakin context clues... SO, it WOULD be SUPER easy to miss what we get about this family and just chalk it up to ‘OH those kids movie parents and their rampant absenteeism and DEATH’ but no. Chowder’s family life is... a little sad if i’m honest. we only hear about 2 calls regarding these kids and their parents. One is when Jenny calls her mom to try to tell on the House for eating her and the other is when Chowder’s dad calls looking for his son. NOW, Chowder himself tells DJ (and the audience) that his Dad is working at a Pharmacy the night Chowder goes over to DJ’s house and nearly gets himself eaten by the Monster House. The boys end up spending the entire night after that, watching the house to see if anybody or anything else gets attacked. Chowder’s dad doesn’t call DJ’s house to find out where his kid is until morning, so we’re lead to believe that his lack of knowledge about the boys’ impromtu sleep-over because he works the graveyard shift (or at least late enough that he would assume Chowder’s in bed until waking the next morning). 

The somewhat sad part comes with the second bit of information we get from Chowder after he tells DJ that his dad is at work that evening and it’s, “Mom is at the movies with her personal trainer”. 0.o ooooooh the scandal... i mean, yeah in general cheating spouses isn’t exactly the most uncommon occurance....anywhere. but isn’t it just a little sad that part of the reason that this is not only the reason that Chowder is home alone (making it SUPER easy for him to just leave when DJ calls). But she’s also apparently gone long enough to ALSO be out so late as to not notice that her kid is GONE all night. Looking at it nowadays just... reminds ya WHY there were ads in the 90′s asking parents where their kids were at 10pm.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE

well not about the cheating Chowder’s mom part.

More like the WHOLE thing that got me wanting to type about Monster House in the first place.

A sad story with more potential doom than maybe even the film intended.

YOU SEE

A major plot twist of the movie is WHO is possessing the house. DJ and crew initially believe to be the someone they kind of know - the house’s owner, Mr. Horace Nebbercracker. At first glance, Nebbercracker is obsessively protective of his house, literally the first scene of the film is him SCREAMING in a little girl’s face and confiscating her tricycle when she accidentally ends up on his lawn (again, where are her parents?). He’s literally Mr. “Get off my lawn”.

So it’s not difficult to imagine that he’s the one haunting the place when the house seems to come life immediately after his sudden heart attack. (PS. WTF to the writers cause we AND THE TWO TEENAGED LEADS see the heart attack happen real time and the boys may have even contributed to it!! THERAPY FOR EVERYONE) Especially since Dj’s babysitter invites over her.....boyfriend? maybe. who reaffirms that Mr. Nebbercracker has been screaming at kids and confiscating toys for YEARS. yeah, super easy to see this dude sticking around after death and continuing his time honored tradition of AGGRESSIVELY dealing with trespassers. Only now as a house that WILL eat you just for stepping on the grass.

So as you may have already guessed, this later gets proved to NOT be the case. As Horace ends up returning in the climax alive and well (enough to sneak out of the hospital and steal an ambulance LIKE A BOSS).

Throughout the course of the movie, we and the kids find out that this creepy old man once had a wife but not only is she not around, rumor has it that he ATE her. for some reason. When the kids go into the house to try to ‘kill’ it and stop the house from eating people, they find a bunch of old pictures inside that at least confirm there was a wife at some point. When they end up in the basement among the piles and piles of stuff that’s landed in the yard over the years, the ALSO find a shrine to Mrs. Nebbercracker. Which is also her final resting place (a spot where she was apparently covered completely with cement).

DJ puts 2 and 2 together pretty quick when Mr. Nebbercracker returns and starts trying to calm the house. Mrs. Constance Nebbercracker is the one haunting the place, not Horace. That’s when we unlock Horace’s Tragic Back Story:

Sometime in the 1930′s Horace (a former demolition man) fell in love with Constance. Constance was being exploited as an “attraction” at a circus/freak-show at the time (during the height of just being abnormally tall, short, or obese made you a relevant ‘freak’). This place made her sleep OUTSIDE IN A CAGE and you know people were happily entertaining themselves by throwing things at her and laughing at both her weight  ‘freakishness’ and helplessness.

So to follow a simple love story, the sweet skinny boy sneaks her away, his feelings are reciprocated, and the two start their life together. They’ve gotten to that nice, building their own house stage when everything goes terribly wrong.

For me, this is sort of the start of my opinion that... things for the Nebbercrackers weren’t likely to go well anyway. Like we got the impression from their wedding photos that they managed to have SOME normalcy in their honeymoon phase but when we see the beginnings of the house, Horace is JUST THEN taking apart the cage/cart that Constance was kept in. i’m presuming he was originally gonna use the various parts in the house but dear christ that means that not much time may have past between leaving the circus (guess they at least didn’t care enough about her ‘as property’ to keep the couple on the run?) to getting married and going on a vacation to buying the land and beginning construction.

That said, the mid-twentieth century isn’t exactly known for it’s forwardness on mental health, and oooooohhhhh boy, if this poor couple aint a fitting example that “and they lived happily ever after” doesn’t happen often. Halloween happens to come around and kids get up to their traditional mischief by, what else? Egging what little of the Nebbercracker house existed at the time. 

(Disclaimer i am an expert in nothing so i may get somethings wrong here but this IS just me hashing out an idea i have) When we first see Constance, we see someone actually throwing food and trash at her while she’s “on display”. And when we see her at the skeleton of the Nebbercracker house, she get VISIBLY upset at the children throwing things at the house, she seeks out her husband telling him that those monsters ‘are attacking [their] house and they’re hurting [her]’. In my mind, she and Horace likely haven’t really dealt with her trauma from the circus. Yes Horace removed her from the bad situation and stopped the trauma, but as of good ole 1935, i doubt they really talked about it much, let alone saw a therapist. Both likely just trying to power forward INTO their future.

Horace’s confusion when Constance becomes triggered by the children throwing things and laughing like assholes shows us that he likely hadn’t seen or had to deal with a situation like this before. He does try to get her to focus on him and remind her that she’s with him and not back at the circus, so maybe he’s had to reassure her (like after a nightmare or maybe he got small panics when in more crowded areas - thus the house that’s likely on the edge of town since they don’t have close neighbors). But the course of events indicates that he’d never seen such a STRONG episode from her. 

Perhaps she’d just finally gotten comfortable with being truly free since they could build their own home and so the perceived ‘attack’ on her home became an attack to her safety and happiness. When she goes to her husband, her savior, and (in her eyes) he doesn’t fix it/ he doesn’t get the chance to. When that egg hit HER BODY. it was game over.

Constance tried to take matters into her own hands, remove the ‘threat’ herself.... with the axe Horace was holding. Now it’s a kids movie so no children come even close to getting hurt, but one could take this to mean that, if constance had lived, she may have only gotten more violent as time went on if she didn’t get the help she needed... help Horace may not have been able to give or get for her.

We’ll never know since the way you get a haunted house is... pretty obvious. In a desparate attempt to stop Constance from likely maiming some kids or hurting herself, Horace causes constance to fall into their uncovered basement. As she falls, she tries to grab the cement mixer for stability and ends up dumping the load on top of herself in the basement (making for a VERY creepy site for a shrine). Horace’s guilt compels him to finish the house and he stays there.

Now such a violent, angry moment right before death MEANS THAT SOMETHIN’S GETTING HAUNTED. SO Constance’s spirit possesses the house and begins “defending” itself from the people of the growing town that happen to get too close. ESPECIALLY on Halloween... ya know one of the nights where EVERYBODY goes out and willingly approaches people’s front doors.

Throughout the rest of the flashback we Mr. Nebbercracker trying to keep people away with more and more desperation. Likely because DJ and Chowder haven’t witnessed the first of Constance’s victims. As the movie’s climax pics up we see how Horace talks to the house, trying to placate the angry spirit by taking care of the house and trying to be the first responder when someone enters the lawn before Constance gets to use HER WAY.

From here, Horace’s relationship with the House begins to look...pretty abusive actually. When he gets back home from the hospital he’s grumpy to the kids, but then we see him pause, he’s apprehensive as he turns to get back to the house. From the expressions the house is given and the way Mr Nebbercracker responds, it’s TELLING him to get HOME NOW. He’s timid, and fearful, and the kids begin to get the idea that if he goes into the house now, he may not come out again. And when the house LITERALLY GETS UP AND STARTS CHASING PEOPLE, he’s desperate. He tries soothing her, he tries to redirect her away from the targets of her anger - the kids. 

Can you just imagine the 45 years leading up to this? Horace having to isolate himself from the whole town until it’s just him and this angry house under the pretext of “IF YOU DO NOT DEFEND HOUSE THEN THE HOUSE WILL DO IT”. He even get’s the heart breaking line of “then i’ll have nobody”. Like so many victims that feel they CAN’T leave their homes. I like to imagine that the house is PRIMARILY motivated by the rage and fear that was driving Constance in her final moments but like... what if she hadn’t? Even if she didn’t kill those kids from 45 years ago, would they have been able to get her the help she needed? Like so many back in those days, Constance and Horace likely would’ve only had the option to self medicate or get her institutionalized (ie. Imprisoned again). Would that have devolved into Constance manipulating Horace with things like “i won’t make it without you” and similar tactics. Would have maybe gone the other way? with Constance still not technically being free because Horace would (intentionally or unintentionally) encourage her dependence on him... 

Anyway, when pleading to the house to just leave the children alone fails, he makes the decision to stop her. with dynamite from his Demo days. 

Constance does not take this well.

From there we get the exciting confrontation where the main characters destroy the house WITHOUT the self-sacrifice that Mr. Nebbercracker may have been planning. We even get a nice little moment where constance’s spirit (unattached to the destroyed house) get’s to move on after a quick goodbye to Horace. And now we get our kids movie happy ending with DJ, Chowder, and Jenny helping Mr. Nebbercracker begin redistributing the pile of toys still in what’s left of the basement to trick-or-treaters and the living things that the house ate somehow climb out of whatever pocket dimension they were trapped in. Nobody seems to question why Nebbercracker’s house is just a crater now....and that this old man that left the hospital without a discharge is now homeless....

Buuuuuuuut i’ve been typing for like 2 hours now. I still have thoughts about other side characters and maybe more exploring the dynamics of technically being in a relationship with a haunted house. buuuuut i need to sleep.

Stay nerdy fellow overthinkers.

[briars7]

💣Crazy Capers #3💣

Imagine this: young, preteen kid strolling down the sidewalk, admiring the blue, polluted sky, graffiti on the walls passing by at a blur, and the patter of footsteps close behind him.

Okay, so...I wasn’t strolling, or admiring. Maybe I was running instead? And admiring much of anything, including the final glimpses of the modern world I’d ever see, was the last thing on my mind.

That was before. I don’t think much about it now. Between the blood under the bridge and the homesickness for a place that I wouldn’t fit into anymore...it’s all past. But hey! Ya’ll wanted to know a bit more of my backstory, so there ya are. Or maybe you didn’t and it was me wanting to prevaricate about myself. Eh, either way.

Hop, skip, and a jump later, I’m in medieval Europe. Standing out worse than a sore thumb and causing a stir that bull in a China shop would be proud of. See, I thought I was all that and more back in the future. Street smart, alley wise, annoying punk of a kid, but always one step ahead. Here? Just a punk kid who’s gonna get his throat slit before the first hello. In short, I was terrified.

Bright copper hair that didn’t blend in well with the brown, black, and blonde majority, strange speech coupled with an accent, a lilt I was in the wrong country for, and a penchant for troublemaking that didn’t stop just cause I was in way over my head. Don’t know what might’ve happened to me had not a bored gentleman decided to take me home. Had I been better off in a gang of pickpockets? Maybe. Probably would’ve lost my hands by now. Or maybe I’d have joined a circus. You’d see me performing death defying feats on the trapeze before one day taking it too far. What if’s that are too late to consider. Oooh what if that’s you showing up here one day? I do wonder what life ya’ll might’ve stumbled into should you be inclined to make a trip into this era. Maybe leave us a comment, eh?

Back onto the gent and what soon became his neverending source of headaches. That’s what he said, but I’m pretty sure he was laughing behind his third wine glass.

We get to his house and guess what? The gent wasn’t just some hoity toity rich dude. He lived in a massive fortress I later learned was called The Citadel. You’d think the scary lookin’ doors, weird stains on the stones, and butt ugly gargoyles would give me the clue that I should be running. Nope! Not so much...

Having seen Hunchback of Notre Dame, I wanted to go exploring. Learn every nook and cranny of this place as fast as possible, make friends—yes I know they’re imaginary—with the statues, and traipse about the crenels. Pretty sure by this point I thought the man had to have been a lord of some sort, maybe even the king! ...But deep down something felt off. Once the adrenaline wore down, I was paying attention to the people giving my supposed savior deferential bows or avoiding eye contact. Respect wasn’t the feeling I got off these folks. Fear...flinching when the well dressed man adjusted his cloak or spoke to one of them.

The ones who weren’t practically hugging the walls to be on the opposite side of us...they were strange too. I get that this is a whole other time period so like everyone is gonna be strange to me, especially as a kid. But these guys, I’m telling ya! It was like...they were dead. 

An oppressive gloom surrounded them, sucking the light from flickering lamps and the warmth from one’s own bones. Some of them appeared jovial enough, a grin or leering smirk cheering their pallid faces. Had I believed in such, might’ve considered them to be vampires. Time travel was one thing though. I wasn’t going to start with creatures of the undead. Those eyes though. The spark was gone. You know? That merry twinkle when you smile and are happy that means you haven’t met your maker yet? Yeah...that. Not there.

Decided I’d had quite enough of this creepy place. Something was seriously wrong with these people, and even if I did end up losing my hands, at least I’d still have my soul. Or whatever you wanna call that sparkle.

The thought hadn’t fully formed in my mind, but before I could duck out, the man’s hand had wrapped around my arm in a vise grip. It was like he was a frickin’ mind reader!! I looked up into his eyes, my voice muted by fear. Realizing too late he had the same dead, empty eyes as the others and my fate was sealed.

🍊🍊🍊

Fast forward a few years. Sure got to know The Citadel real well. Top to bottom, side to side...from scaling the exterior of its stone face and the mountain it was built on to traversing the interior unseen by its occupants. Comes in handy for more than just training...escaping where even those sharing the domicile can’t find me is definitely a plus.

Couple of things changed. Lilting Irish accent remained, but my haircut went from the short style of the modern age to...uh, is shaggy a style? I cut it myself every so often. Hey! And even comb it on occasion too! So proud of myself. *Nearly breaks arm patting my back.* 😜

Can’t remember now if I ever tried giving them my real name. They never used it. Sure gave me a litany of options though!! Scalawag, miscreant, rogue, caitiff...and so on. My fav was Rapscallion, so I started answering to that. Smart bunch, they are! Picked up real quick when they actually wanted my attention which name they should use. Didn’t hurt their pride half as bad if they thought they were being demeaning when asking for me, but they didn’t understand. I wear this name as a badge of honor. Win win!

Still a kid, really. Not quite left my teens, but I’d learned a lot. The regular stuff, you know. 

Things like, never to let anyone get close emotionally cause they’re weak and can be used against you. If they’re a fellow assassin and have half a chance of not being captured, tortured, and killed to control you, then your partner is definitely using you. 

Then there’s the physical stuff, which soooo many of these peeps think they can get into without becoming attached. Idiots. For argument’s sake, let’s say they don’t get attached. You’re letting another human being into your personal space. On purpose. You are putting yourself into a vulnerable situation where quite often, you’re not wearing clothes. Which means no weapons hidden away with which to defend yourself with. Ya think your partner doesn’t know about the one under the mattress? No semi protective layers from glancing, tainted knife blades or poisoned darts. Nothing. Really?! 

I’ll tease your socks off—er stockings—and make a lady lose her cool with suggestive flirting and a touch here or there. Maybe it was just my training and theirs didn’t cover it? I dunno. But I can’t let anyone get close. Any more than I’ll eat food I haven’t seen prepared or drink a stranger’s mead: I’ve seen too many of my fellow assassins lose their lives to lust. Allowing a person to break that personal space for more than a few seconds’ time. Even arrogance hasn’t killed as many, and that’s saying something.

There’s another factor making it untenable to me...being betrayed by a loved one or losing them because of your occupation is one of the fastest ways to lose your spark. Kicks you into the maw of darkness; no passing Go or collecting two hundred dollars.

Well, back to the reason for all the name calling. Once I’d been told what these guys do, and that I’d be this dude’s apprentice, there were some basic ground rules I laid out. Course, none of them mattered a single bit to my mentor. In time though it did help him understand some of my...quirks. Still didn’t care, but that was alright.

Rule one: I wouldn’t end up fish eyed and lookin’ all zombie like. Mentor didn’t mind, cause I was never allowed to play a prank on him. Nobody else wanted to “allow” it either, but their laws said they couldn’t kill me. Didn’t mean they couldn’t make my life a living hell. Finally saw something spark in one of their eyes though! Gave me a glimpse that they weren’t all the way gone yet, so I kept annoying them, learning new ways to avoid repercussions...and learning coping techniques for what things I did outside The Citadel or were done to me that I couldn’t deal with. There’s a reason they looked as they did. They didn’t want to feel...but I wasn’t ready to give that up. Ya see that crazy gleam in my eye, and you’d better watch your step!! Hahaha!

Since the people I stayed with were definitely on the more affluential side of things, they had access to the best of whatever food they wanted prepared. Being from the future, I had an idea of what eating rich meals would get me. Gout is not pretty. Not to mention the whole eating what I haven’t seen prepared thing and...well I’ve hung out in the kitchens a lot. Learned to like fresh things if I don’t have time or inclination for cooking. It’s a long process here without microwavable meals. Favorite is fruit, especially those with a peel. But I’ll eat just about anything, and learned of some unusual looking stuff we don’t see in most modern supermarkets.

Annnyway, my life probably appears pretty odd to regular folk. Hey, it’s been called...esh. Let’s maybe not get into what my coworkers want to call it. They certainly don’t approve. I’m alive though! More than I can say for most of the walkers wandering wide corridors with vapid smiles and dire thoughts. If you’re still reading and curious about that guy from the first story—the one who interrupted a would be lesson?—stick around. He’ll make his debut in the next installment of my absurd tales. 😉 Thanks for hangin’ with me!

[cuckiller-blog]

About the Killer...

Hello there person on the internet. I don't know you, but if you're reading this you will know me, or at least what I'm about. The name and description of this account pretty much says it all; pretty much...

I just want to clarify that I am fully aware that the terms "snowflake", "SJW" and "cuck" have been made popular due to extreme right Republican, mostly Trump supporters over the last few years; however, they don't own those terms nor are the first to use them. I am not a Trump supporter and never will be. As a matter of fact, Donald Trump is one of the biggest snowflakes I have ever witnessed. Getting butthurt over every little criticism, insulting people he once claimed he liked/respected because they say they don't agree with everything he does (pre and post presidential election mind you), etc... the man is a crybaby.

Just so we're clear here... A snowflake cuck is simply anyone, republican or democrat, liberal or conservative, who gets offended by every little thing or every little person under the reality sun who doesn't agree with their fragile sensibilities.

This goes for the following which I will be covering over time:

- Using certain terms/phrases which can be negative (grasp your chest and gasp now) to express emotions, but don't reflect that person's actual beliefs about human issues. I.E. If I say something is gay or call someone a faggot that doesn't mean I am against homosexual people, or their rights or that I'm protesting gay marriage in front of court houses. Sorry the word "straight" isn't used to describe dumb shit, but that doesn't mean everyone saying shit is gay means they hate gay people...

- Stating facts about people and their appearance..... Sorry fat people... If you're fat, you're fat. Sorry simple facts of life bother you so much. I know a few skinny people also hate being called skinny due to body issues, but it's far and few between fat people and the same still applies.... If you're fat, you're fat, if you're skinny, you're skinny, if you're whatever in between, you're whatever in between, doesn't always mean people are out to get you and doesn't mean they hate you or think you're ugly just cause you're FACTUALLY fat...

- Jokes/Stand-Up Comedy/Overly PC Fascist crowds... You are cancer, you are killing comedy because you don't know how to take a joke and not take everything seriously.... Do you not realize most of what comedians say they don't even truly believe IRL? Even if they do..... Who cares? As long as it's funny? Sorry, anything can be a joke, including rape. Doesn't mean they condone rape... If you can't understand that, move the fuck along snowflake. The PC culture has gone to the extremes in general as well, people can't say anything without being made to feel like pieces of shit because they say something someone may not like as a part of freedom of expression. I'm not even talking about people going around saying blatantly evil shit, those people are dicks, but I mean the most innocent of shit. Like if someone says "I have a friend who's an Indian, he lives on a reservation a few towns over." and people act like you just condemned that whole group to hell because you didn't call your FRIEND a "Native American!!!!" instead.... Lol..... Ugghhhhh.... Get a grip people......

- Millennials.... The epitome of the snowflake plaque..... Sure, not all millennials are snowflakes, but a good majority of them are. Much more than past generations..... They call it progressive behavior when really they are being fascists trying to control free speech and expression; especially at stand-up comedy acts..... Just gay as fuck.... Lol

- Asexuals/Sexual Shamers.... So now a days if you comment on someone's appearance as being "hot" or "sexy" these little pieces of shit wanna downvote and criticize said posts because they don't understand the simple fact that men have penises and women have vaginas and sometimes they see people in certain revealing clothing/poses that induce a sexually attracted response as a condition of being a normal human rather than some sexually repressed cuck.

- Feminazis...... Lol...... Just lol..... Not every person who has a penis and makes a seemingly funny or observational comment about the opposite sex is trying to strip away all of your rights or how strong or equal you can be. The difference between genuine feminists and feminazis is night and day....

Oversensitive/overprotective animal rights cucks..... Sorry bitch boy, it's not animal abuse, it's innocent fun so STFU about "Don't ever do that to that beautiful animal ever again! You don't deserve to have pets!" when it's clear the animal is not in danger and it's just good fun. You're a dumb shit and you know nothing about how well they care for their pets or their bond and simply judge them because some guy sneaked up behind his dog, yelled and made him jump or some shit? Gimme a break ya little bitch...

- Did you assume my/that person's gender!!!!? No shit stick, I don't assume when facts are concerned, I just go by said facts. Chances are if you look like a dude, you're a dude. If you look like a chick, you're a chick. If it quacks like a duck............. It probably calls you a cuck. Look, nobody cares if you identify as a woman, if you've got a 5 o'clock shadow, adam's apple and a penis taped to your thigh behind some dress, wig, and makeup, you're still a fuckin dude..... I'm not gonna call you a woman cause you identify as one "inside". I'm also not going to say a white guy is black because he identifies as a black man. I won't call you a cat because you're a human who identifies as a feline ya nutty bitch. Funny how that works eh? Gender is not fluid and it's not a choice. Nor is race or friggin' species. Lol....

You can turn yourself from male to female aesthetically and call yourself a woman, sure, and I'll most likely call you a woman if you actually look like a woman, but you're still factually not a woman. You don't have milk producing breasts or possess a real vagina or womb..... You can never get pregnant..... Never have a period...... Not a real woman..... Deal with it. "But Cuck Killer, some women can't get pregnant!" blah blah blah.... Yeah, we are all aware of this. It's also not the norm, and obviously even for women who can't get pregnant and whatnot......... Their vagina is still real/natural from birth soooo..... Yeeeeaaahhhhhh...... They are real women still...... Because..... ya know..... their vagina's weren't fashioned from half a mutilated penis..... This also applies to the cancerous "he/him" or "her/she" bullshit on some people's social media profiles. You don't need to proclaim your gender like that, nobody cares. This wasn't something people ever put in profiles to "clarify MY gender" up until a couple years ago. I go out of my way to call them the opposite gender of what they shove in your face to refer to them as just to see them blow their shit. Lol

It's also clear that when someone addresses a group of people and says "Hey, guys!" even when women are present, it's just a common greeting and "guys" in this context just means people.... Not literally calling the women males.... So relax and stop throwing a bitch fit when people say that. It's not always about gender specifics for crying out loud.

- LGBTQXYZSDL blah blah blah whatever it's initial count is up to at this very second of this minute of this hour. Look, I'm not against gay people, nor do I dislike them generally speaking. I am for gay marriage and all that jazz, so this isn't so much about the gay community but more so the people (not all of them are even gay, but they are snowflakes) who raise a big shit when you say "LGBT" but leave the Q off, or worse yet just say "gay/transgendered community" instead of the initials. They act like you just killed a baby right in front of them, calm down faggot, it's not that big of a deal. (Again, snowflakes, me saying faggot there doesn't mean I hate gay people, read above and note that I have no hate for homosexuals and faggot in this case simply means "dumb shit" lol).... How long will it be before they add a new initial to it and people shit their pants if you don't say "LGBTQBSHSKSBDGSN" in one breath without pausing to catch your breath in between? I cringe to see the day. LMAO

And more than likely more ridiculous shit as time goes on. Sure this list will be updated over time as dumb shit keeps happening.... But that is the gist of what this account will be about. Basically people getting offended and raising a stink over every little thing.

If you're still reading you either agree with me or you're a glutton for logical punishment. Either way, get those seat belts on!

[punkwhodrinkstea-blog]

Random & Important Thoughts

So my girlfriend/Fiance thinks guys underwear and swim shorts are weird and confusing. I told her I think girls having periods, different methods of surviving the period, their underwear and their swimwear is weird. She thinks it’s strange that us guys have about 3 different types of swim shorts, let’s list them: regular swim shorts which are just shorts made from a different material, swim shorts again but with a mesh webbing inside for some reason and then the speedo which is for competitive swimmers and gay boys. I don’t know why some swim shorts for guys have the mesh webbing inside, it’s pretty strange and for some reason mine have that. Also some guys wear their underwear on under their swim shorts, like me. I do that. I don’t know why, I just do. It’s just a bit more snug and comfy for some reason. Anyway I just wanted the internet to know that I’m preparing to marry a psychopath.

Anyway for a more serious subject, I have a friend who’s parents are on two very different pages of life. One is a strong parent role who is strong and responsible while the other is abusive, toxic and self, only serving themselves at the cost of others. The relationship between the two parents is at the point where divorce is an obvious choice. However, they are in so much debt that they would be forced to each take half the debt and only one would have a house, making the other, homeless. Plus they have a small child who can not make decisions for himself and the child would likely be taken away, this also removes the ability to call the police, because it could cost them their right to have their own child, which one of the parents have done a great job raising while the other… didn’t. I can’t help but imagine that this is how people get trapped in such horrible situations and can’t escape to something better without making things worse for themselves. I spent a fair amount of time researching laws and stuff to see if there is a way out and frankly, I am yet to find one. This world has set up a system that shows no empathy for those in pain and won’t help them no matter how bad the situation is. If someone out there reads this and has a legit solution then please message me so I can use your knowledge to try and help. Anyway this is how things escalate to the point when someone else looks at the situation and wonders why you didn’t run for your life. As the saying goes; “Put a frog in boiling water and it jumps out but slowly heat it up and it’ll burn alive”. I just don’t want things to get worse for them.

Also I some people say divorce is selfish and I kinda understand that because it seems that the parents are putting their needs before their kids. However the kids are negatively affected when the parents don’t get along, I’ve seen this happen all the time, even in my own house. There are even parents who try to say their relationship is great and it’s really not, this also poorly affects the kids. Now no relationship is perfect but if it’s a downright bad relationship then it won’t be good for your kids. As a Christian I believe Divorce is wrong however the Bible does teach that it’s ok to do so if both parties agree it’s a good idea. Obviously this is to prevent two people who made a mistake to get out and find happiness elsewhere, sadly systems put in place in our culture have made this harder depending on the circumstances. Personally I don’t think divorce is selfish, I think that if both people really think it needs to come to that then everyone involved is probably better for it, including the kids. It’s not easy and it’s certainly a sensitive subject and I’m sorry to anyone who has to sit around the corner while you parents yell at one another until sun rise or you can’t sleep ‘cause you can still hear them fighting. Heaven forbid physical abuse. It will scar the kid for the rest of their lives. Now of course even if you do get divorced, doesn’t mean it’ll be great. It’ll still be hard, especially for the kid. I think I can relate to those kids who never really had a dad or mom. I don’t think I have every once went to my dad for help with anything serious unless I had no other choice. He never takes things well, he’s kinda a butt, controlling and power hungry so I often pay the price when he gets involved in anything in my life. So I keep him at a safe distance. My mother is sadly tied to my dad so I must always be careful what I say to and around her as well. I was only ever close to my mother but that was at least 10 years ago which is half my life. Since then I took to God, others or Google for answers and wisdom to help guide me in life. I am lucky now that I have such an amazing girlfriend/fiance who I will hopefully be marrying soon. She is the perfect life partner for me, I am glad that we have both come this far without further emotional damage.

Anyway I don’t really have more to say about that topic and it’s getting late. I will briefly update you on my depression though. I have been, my healthiest as I have ever been for about 9 months now but these past 3 have been amazing. Things in my life haven’t been perfect but I have noticed just how much stronger I am and how much healthier my mind is. My sleep is pretty probably as normal as it’ll ever be. I would not go as far as to say that my depression is gone or healed though. I don’t think it ever will be. The things that I have theorized that cause me to become depressed will never stop, at least not likely in my lifetime. It’s a long story which only reading the past blogs will help you understand more but I must say that things are going well. I rarely wake up sweating anymore and I don’t shake as much when I do feel a bit depressed. Soooo yeah, that’s a nice update. Anyway folks, I gotta go. Punk Who Drinks Tea, signing off *static sounds*

[because-of-a-friend]

Time Travel Series Pt. 5

MASTERLIST

Seungcheol | Jeonghan | Joshua | Jun | Hoshi | Wonwoo | Woozi | DK | Mingyu | Minghao | Seungkwan | Vernon | Dino 

This is SUPER LONG sorry, but please feel free to request things so I know what to write

KWON SOONYOUNG

-There is no rhyme or reason to Hoshi’s time travelling

-This boy is literally just gonna travel to any time and place that pops into his head

-He literally never thinks before he does it

-He just freaking goes for it

-One time at like three in the morning Hoshi sits up in bed 

-And he’s like “Wow it would be cool to see the pyramids being built”

-Dino is like pretty much asleep next to him

-”Ya hyung, that sounds cool. Maybe tomorrow you can-”

-And Hoshi just jumps back in time

-Dino literally just falls out of the bed from the shock of Hoshi jumping right next to him in the middle of the night

-When Hoshi gets back from seeing the great pyramids it’s morning time 

-Joshua and Jeonghan are just sitting there in their robes with their coffee mugs, tapping their feet angrily and scolding Hoshi like a couple of moms

-But anyways

-Hoshi just time travels on a whim

-He thinks of something he wants to see and he just goes there

-One time he’s sitting in the kitchen, talking to Vernon

-And Vernon is telling him about the little he remembers from New York

-And he mentions Grand Central Station as he stirs his noodles on the stove

-And when he turns around 

-Hoshi is gone

-And Vernon just rolls his eyes

-He just sarcastically calls out to the empty chair where Hoshi was sitting 

-”Cool hyung, thanks for letting me finish my sentence before you time traveled”

-Hoshi, meanwhile, is standing in the middle of the Grand Central Station lobby 

-He’s just looking up at the ceiling in awe

-Not really paying attention

-Neither are you

-Cuz your train was late and now you’re late

-And you’re trying to rush out of the station

-You look at your watch to check the time

-And bam, you have completely run into someone

-And you’re just soooo embarrassed like

-Crap now you have to deal with this 

-And you look down at the person YOU LITERALLY KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR

-You’re expecting to deal with some angry businessman 

-But like

-It’s just this really cute boy 

-He looks really confused for a second and then he looks up at you

-And you’re already like 

-”I’m so so sorry, I should’ve been paying attention, I feel awful”

-And you’re scared that he’s gonna yell at you

-But he just starts laughing

-And you freeze and your heart speeds up

-Cuz his laughter is so beautiful

-So you just slowly lean down and help him up

-He’s just like lol they’re so cute, what are they blushing for

-”It’s totally fine, I wasn’t paying attention either”

-And he’s just smiling at you with that over-the-top, takes-up-his-whole-face smile

-So obviously you’re smiling back 

-”It looks like you’re running late and I don’t want to bother you but, could I get your name? I’m Soonyoung”

-”[Y/N]”

-He just kind of nods

-”Well it was nice to meet you, [Y/N], good luck with whatever you’re late for, hopefully I’ll see you around”

-And you just kind of nod and say goodbye and run off

-Hoshi comes back to the dorm in time for Vernon’s noodles to be done

-”Of course you came back in time for the food, hyung”

-*cue another Vernon rant*

-But Hoshi is only half listening 

-He’s kind of out of it and sort of smiling as he serves himself a bowl

-Vernon doesn’t notice until Woozi walks in and points it out

-”Hyung why are you smiling like that?”

-*cue more Vernon sarcasm*

-”He wasn’t listening to me again? Wow. So cool. I just feel so appreciated. I just love that everyone follows along and appreciates everything I say”

-Hoshi just kind of shrugs off the question

-But he’s just smiling and blushing the whole night because he can’t get you out of his head

-And then when he sleeps, you’re in his dream

-Which is cool and all

-But Hoshi?

-He does this really strange thing where he sleep jumps

-Like literally travels time in his sleep

-He’s usually ok

-Aside from the time with the dinosaurs

-And the accidental involvement with that future bank heist 

-DK still hasn’t forgiven him for that

-Or that one time he woke up in a medieval pub and Jeonghan was there and everyone was calling him “Sir John”

-Jeonghan had to beg him not to tell anyone

-Hoshi was like ok, honestly what the fuck, but ok

-So he’s dreaming of you

-And he just happens to travel to your location

-You’re in a little coffee shop

-It’s nighttime and you’re reading a book at a corner table

-And Hoshi just appears in the seat across from you

-He’s immediately awake

-Sees you and blushes harder than he ever has because with just one meeting you already have him crushing hard enough to sleep travel to see you

-You’re not paying attention bc your book

-So when you look up and see Hoshi, you assume he just sat down, not appeared out of thin air

-”Oh hello Soonyoung”

-He jumps when you speak to him cuz he was looking around the coffee shop and trying to think of a way out of there without anyone seeing him in his PJs

-”Oh hi [Y/N]”

-And you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy inside cuz he’s smiling and blushing again

-At that point, Hoshi’s like, well I’m already here

-So he orders coffee 

-You guys start talking

-And since he’s dressed the way he is he really starts to pay attention to your clothes

-”What’s today’s date?”

-”It is March 21st”

-”And the year?”

-”You don’t know what year it is Soonyoung?”

-”I just always get kind of mixed up you know? As soon as I’m finally writing down the correct year, it’s New Years again and I have to get that into my head”

-You laugh a little

-”It’s 1933 Soonyoung”

-”Of course, right”

-He tries not to make it obvious how his heart drops at your answer

-Cuz maybe, just maybe if you were from the present, he could’ve started something with you

-But when he travels specifically for a location he doesn’t always specify a time

-And now he’s just kicking himself for it

-Because you two talk for hours and all he wants is to spend time with you

-But he’s like “No Soonyoung, this is the last time you see them, you’ve got to forget about them so you don’t cause any problems”

-Lol ya right Soonyoung 

-He starts traveling to see you like all the time

-It weirds you out that Hoshi always needs like an exact date and location to meet up... like EXACT

-But at the same time you don’t mind because it gives you the chance to show him your favorite parts of the city and at the best times to see them

-Hoshi doesn’t travel randomly to see cool things anymore

-He just likes going to see you and what you have to show him

-Because talking with you and experiencing things with you makes everything that much better

-So the little bookshop you show him on a random corner is just as cool as seeing the pyramids built because you’re there telling him why you love it so much and how you found it and random stories of times you’ve spent there

-So Hoshi is just living happily going back to see you all the time

-And there’s a voice in the back of his mind that’s warning him that it can’t stay like this forever

-But he just keeps ignoring it

-But then one day

-You two are walking around the city

-Arm in arm

-And everything’s just as fine as usual

-But you manage to run into the one person 

-The only person in the whole of New York City

-That just happened to be in that exact place at that exact time

-The one person that could ruin everything

-It’s Joshua

-And you’re like apologizing to Joshua and trying to pull Hoshi forwards

-But Joshua grabs Hoshi’s arm and just gives him this look

-And he lets go and lets y’all keep walking

-And Hoshi’s heart is just breaking 

-Because he knows what that look means

-He knows what Joshua is gonna say

-”We’re not supposed to make friends in other time periods, we’re not supposed to get involved”

-Joshua is talking to Hoshi later that night in the dorm

-Hoshi is just leaning off the edge of his bed with his head in his hands

-”You need to stop going to see them”

-Hoshi knows Joshua isn’t trying to hurt him

-He knows he’s telling Hoshi to do what’s best for everyone

-Because honestly the more he goes to see you the more hurt both of you will end up when something potentially worse happens

-Joshua is just trying to be a voice of reason

-But

-”Can I at least tell them goodbye?”

-Joshua turns back to face Hoshi

-And he’s ready to put his foot down

-Because yes, the one thing he hates more than anything is hurting his members

-But he needs to be strict to protect not only Hoshi, but you, and everyone else

-But when he turns to tell Hoshi no

-Hoshi is just staring up at him 

-Tears filling up his eyes so much that they’re just spilling out

-And Joshua feels himself start to tear up just looking at him

-”Fine, Soonyoung, but this is the last time”

-Hoshi just nods his head

-Hoshi waits a long time to jump back and say goodbye to you

-Cuz yes he needs to plan what to say

-And yes he needs to be super careful and cautious about everything

-And yes he needs to take a little time to concentrate on the present

-But mostly he’s just stalling 

-But one day he just sighs

-Pulls in this big breath and jumps back in time to see you

-You’re waiting for him as always

-That beautiful smile pulling across your face as you wave at him from across the street

-He tries to smile back

-He tries to smile the whole time he’s with you

-He tries to joke and play

-But he’s not all there

-And of course you notice 

-”Soonyoung what’s wrong”

-No response 

-”Seriously Soonyoung, I can tell that somethings wrong with you, don’t think I don’t-”

-”I’m leaving”

-”What?”

-So Hoshi just tells you that he’s moving away for a job

-He can’t come back

-And you’re just so upset 

-Both of you are on the verge of tears but you’re both trying really hard to be strong for each other

-”[Y/N]?”

-”Yes?”

-”I have something else I need to tell you”

-”What’s that Soonyoung?”

-He’s like c’mon Soonyoung don’t be a coward

-He regrets forever that he didn’t actually tell you

-He just pulled you forward and kissed you

-”This won’t be the last time I see you Soonyoung”

-”Yes it is [Y/N]”

-And then he just left

-He’s dying inside after that

-The other boys can tell

-He’s so dismal

-It’s like he lost everything 

-Hoshi just lives on for weeks regretting how everything worked out

-So the boys are also lost

-Because what can they even do to help him

-And then one day at the dorm they get this call

-And Mingyu picks up the phone 

-Everyone just kind of ignores it until 

-”I’m sorry you said you were calling from a nursing home?”

-And everyone’s just kind of looking at each other because none of them have any family in that nursing home

-”They’re asking for who? Soonyoung?”

-Hoshi was confused at best when Dino knocked on his door and told him a resident at a nursing home requested that he visited 

-But Kwon Soonyoung is a good kid and you bet he’s gonna go visit this person

-He gets there and goes to the front desk and tells the lady there his name

-And she’s like “Oh yes, they’re expecting you”

-Hoshi asks her if she knows any reason this person might have asked for him

-”Oh well they’re very old now, they don’t have any family around. The doctors are saying they don’t have much time left at all. We think they might be lonely. They saw you on a TV broadcast one day and immediately requested to see you.”

-And Hoshi is just nodding along

-Wondering who this mystery person is and why they wanted to see him

-The lady knocks on the door before telling Hoshi to go on in

-Hoshi walks inside, see the person on the bed, and freezes 

-He wasn’t sure at first but the framed picture of a couple in New York city in the 1930s on the nightstand was enough to confirm his thoughts

-”You might be the time traveler Kwon Hoshi, but I was the one that was right about seeing you again”

-Your smile was just as beautiful as it had been the last time he saw you

Sorry it was sad and I didn’t warn, pls request things for me to write!!! I’d appreciate it!!! 

[pinksausageduo]

bae jinyoung|enemies to lovers

member: bae jinyoung genre: angsty/fluffy summary: school au! enemies to lovers au! you and jinyoung constantly tease each other, when a series of events makes jinyoung suddenly nicer to you, will you fall for him? requested: yes enemies to lovers series: bae jinyoung | ong seongwoo | park jihoon | kim jaehwan | lai guanlin | ha sungwoon | hwang minhyun | yoon jisung

you've been in elementary school all the way to high school with bae jinyoung

even talking about him makes you want to puke

the thing is EVERYONE loved jinyoung

apparently he was such a nice and sweet guy

but to you he was an absolute prick all he ever did was tease you, fight with you and just generally made your life a living hell

it all started in high school

you both used to be just classmates to each other not really caring about each other's existence

but suddenly high school came along and BAM!

he teased you as much as possible

like it wasn't super bad or anything he was just the only person who could rile you up that badly

you were both known to be super sweet and kind

but you turned into basically demons when you were around each other

and the thing is you ALWAYS had to hear about him which made everything so much worse

“oh did you hear that jinyoung is going out with this model?”

“didn’t jinyoung win an award for being the nicest guy in the grade?”

“the goal jinyoung made in the basketball game was legendary”

“gosh jinyoung is so handsome if i could only get one date with him”

YOU JUST DIDN’T GET WHY EVERYONE LOVED HIM

well you kinda did but you'd never admit that not over your dead body

anyways the teasing was constant

“y/n haven't you put in any effort into dressing yourself, you literally look like you've died and came back to life?” he’d say as you pass his desk

you'd just tell him to fuck off

whenever he did better in a test than you

“wow aren't you an idiot, really 75/100? i got 92/100” he’d say while shoving the test paper in front of you

“mhmm and aren't you the one who got a C in your history essay? and i'm the one who an A+” you'd say smugly while raising an eyebrow enjoying his slight blush and a quiet groan sitting back into his seat

you heard him mutter “it was one bloody time”

you'd giggle under your breath

and when he heard it he’d smile slightly hoping no one noticed he smiled

he's such a cute innocent baby i cannot

you fell once in the corridor luckily no one saw but of course jinyoung did (cause he was staring at you)

“you’re so clumsy, you trip over your own feet”

he'd say smirking while walking off with his hands in his pockets

leaving you with your books and pens everywhere

you glared daggers at him as he walked off but a bit of you was hurting you thought he might at least help you up

you didn’t know why you were upset tho

you got over it quickly, you always did

but the one incident that made the harmless teasing into just plain hatred for him was when his fan club went after you

you were bad mouthing jinyoung because he kept on teasing you about you getting your period in class and you leaking everywhere

you really didn't want to think about it, it was super embarrassing

but basically his fan club was a few girls who were completely obsessed with him

you always got a little bit bullied by them writing things on your locker, books going missing not huge stuff

because of how much attention jinyoung gave you even though it was only teasing

it wasn't a big deal to you but none of your friends knew about it

they went up to you as you were getting stuff out of your locker and the main girl basically said to you

“don’t talk to jinyoung ever again, don’t talk shit about him, if he teases you stay silent, if you don't follow our instructions we will make sure your life is a living hell” she threatens while sneering down on you

“what the fuck? he’s the one that always teases me, he hates me and if he teases me i will retaliate because i don't wan to take his bullshit” you say disgusted at the words coming out of her mouth

“stop getting ahead of yourself, you attention seeking whore, don’t talk to him ever, got that?”

one of the other girls say super harshly

they kept on threatening you and during the middle of it you saw a figure near the group and your breath hitched and your heart stopped

it was jinyoung

your heart hardened he was there the whole time and he didn't stop it

he really hated you

and for some weird reason your heart felt like it completely broke as the realisation set in that he really did hate you

the girls didn't realise he was there and they kept threatening you and you just got to the point where

you didn't care anymore about their bullshit so you just nodded and agreed

“okay good don't fucking test us” the main girl says

then two of the other girls wrote in red marker right in front of your face onto the locker

whore bitch slut in super big letters

they all glared or smirked at you and left 

you noticed jinyoung was still there, still watching you get bullied because of him

and all you wanted to do was breakdown and cry

you wanted him to come over and ask if you were okay but he didn’t he just stood there emotionless

or that was what you thought

you couldn't see his facial expression

you couldn't see how shocked, how hurt, and how guilty and bad he felt

how much he wanted to go over there wrap his arms around you and apologise for every single thing he said to you

how much he wanted to hurt the girls who could say that to you

but he didn't because he couldn't look at you in the eye and see the hatred in them

the girl he’s liked for years to look at him in disgust

and before he knew it he turned away from you and as he walked away

both of your hearts shattered into a million pieces

you shut your locker quickly not bothered to clean it up and went straight home

you watched the titanic and ate ben and jerry’s to cheer yourself up

you cried yourself to sleep and the most surprising thing to you was it wasn’t because the girls bullied you but because jinyoung didn’t do anything and you absolutely hated yourself for being so affected by him

jinyoung on the other hand had to go to the game congratulatory dinner

(if you've read guanlin’s: he’s both my bestfriend and my boyfriend, it's during that period of time, it’s the same dinner and universe)

there he saw your best friend (since they were on the same team, aka you in guanlin scenario) and he felt so guilty all over again

daehwi noticed how upset he looked and asked him 

“jinyoung-ah are you okay you look terrible” daehwi asked concerned

“i’m fine don’t worry about me�� jinyoung said giving daehwi a weak smile

daehwi still worried about him talked to a few of the members

“jihoon-ah, woojin-ah, jinyoung looks so down do you know why?”

“no he never said anything to me” woojin said shaking his head

“hmmm, it might be because y/n?” jihoon suggested

“why her?” daniel said puzzled butting into the conversation

“cause he likes her you dumbass what else do you think?” seongwoo said rolling his eyes

“HEY! i’m not a dumbass, nobody ever told me!” daniel protested

“wait, so jinyoung likes y/n but he always teases her?” guanlin interrupted

“what type of logic is that?” daniel said perplexed

“the one where he doesn’t know how to express his feelings” woojin said trying to reason jinyoung’s actions

“that’s what you would do too woojin, or you’d just run away from her every time you see her” seongwoo said with a teasing smile

“HYUNG! i’m not that bad” woojin protested

“you really are” everyone chorused

woojin just groaned it’s okay we all still love you and would probs chase you if you ran away from us lmao (but not in a creepy way of course)

“but guys just don’t give jinyoung a hard time okay? he looks so upset, ah guanlin-ah! if it’s about y/n that means ask her best friend if she can talk to him and help him if it’s about y/n” daehwi said 

(to everyone who didn’t read my other guanlin fic, guanlin and your best friend are best friends who end up dating)

“yeah sure, i’ll talk to her right now” guanlin said with a reassuring smile

basically guanlin told your best friend everything and she was always suspicious about you liking jinyoung and today you left without saying anything to her so she agreed into talking to jinyoung

she basically went over and like nicely threatened him to tell him if anything happened between you two

he spilled everything about what happened 

your best friend wanted to strangle him first for not doing anything, then wanted to strangle you for not telling her about the bullying and then couldn’t be mad at either of you

because jinyoung looked like he was going to cry and you knew you were probably crying yourself to sleep

your best friend with the help of daehwi made a plan for him to be nice to you and apologise CONSTANTLY like 24/7 and make sure his fan club never goes after you

the most important thing was he would have to win you over

she told him to act how he actually wants to be around you

if he couldn't do that, your best friend harshly said to give up now because you weren’t a person who would forgive someone without the other person giving in effort

he agreed wholeheartedly, super happy at the fact that there is a possibility you liked him

but also super guilty and upset about what happened and how much pain he caused you 

anyways the dinner ended and he was already planning what he would do the next day

it was the day after the dinner

everyone was still talking about the game

luckily it was mostly people talking about your best friend scoring the winning goal

you'd gush over her constantly being soooo proud of her

but people were also talking about jinyoung and how great he was in defence

you'd just not say anything and be super still

as you were talking about the game with your classmates

you entered the classroom

and on your desk there was a cup of your favourite coffee and a note

“be happy and sweet like you always are!”

you smiled, at the cup of coffee, heart slightly fluttering at the thought of a secret admirer

then jinyoung entered the classroom with his fan club tailing him

your heart sank when you saw him but then he was coming towards you with his fan club and you didn’t know what to expect

to your biggest shock the girls who bullied you yesterday chorused

“we’re sorry about yesterday, we promise not to ever bother you again, i hope you forgive us”

you look at jinyoung incredulously knowing he’s the reason why they’re apologising

he looks at you with a sheepish smile

and your heart as much as you didn’t want it to fluttered just a tiny bit

but you sent him a cold glare because he still didn’t do anything yesterday and was a complete asshole the past few years

you look at the girls and scoff “fine whatever just don’t bother me again”

and they quickly leave

you see jinyoung opening his mouth and before you know it the anger you have bursts and you lash out 

“don’t you dare talk to me after yesterday, i don’t care what you did to make these girls apologise, you’re still a heartless asshole in my eyes” you say your voice dangerously low and filled with the hurt 

he looks down extremely upset and walks to his desk without another word

you let out a sigh and a bit of you is screaming why were you so mean

but you ignored that bit of you trying to convince yourself all he’s doing is being selfish and trying to make himself better by apologising

after class you heard people saying that jinyoung was cleaning one of the lockers in the morning 

and instantly you knew it was yours, your heart warmed but only slightly 

the whole day both of you looked so upset and both of you wouldn’t tell anyone why

the next few days jinyoung always was nice to you

giving you encouragements, saying nice things, constantly saying sorry

“i’m sorry y/n, i really am” he’d say as he’d pass you in the corridor

and when you saw his gorgeous brown warm eyes you know he was saying the truth

“you’re gonna do really well on the test don’t worry!” he’d say sweetly to you before a maths test “you look pretty today y/n! not that you don’t always look pretty but-you get what i mean” he’d say flustered when he stopped at your desk in the morning before he’d rush to go to his being super embarrassed

and you couldn’t help yourself but you warmed up to him

the first days you gave him the silent treatment

but the silent treatment became small smiles

and small smiles became “thank you, jinyoung”

the first time you said thank you his face lit up with happiness 

and you could’t help but giggle softly to yourself 

and his expression of happiness became pure adoration as he heard your cute giggle

then thank you’s became conversations

and you guys ended up being friends to the surprise of yourself 

when you finally had a proper conversation 

jinyoung was soooo happy

sorry this bit was so rushed forgive me

all the wanna one members teased him for looking so love struck but he didn’t care and he always blushed or smiled when your name came into the conversation

anyways

there was always a cup of your favourite coffee on your table with a cute little note

after a week of the coffees saying nice things it became a compliment + a small confession

“i like you”, “i wish i could confess”, “one day i hope you’ll like me too”

everyone thought the coffees were super cute

but the thing is you were torn 

the guy with the coffees seems super sweet and always made you blush

but you couldn’t help your heart beating super fast when jinyoung ever smiled at you or talked to you

you didn’t believe that you were falling for jinyoung but you couldn’t help yourself 

he really became a different person in the past two weeks

he always made you feel all warm and fuzzy

making silly faces in class making you giggle

to complimenting you

and with light teasing banter in the morning

and you could even say now that you were friends with him

you loved being around with him he made you feel special

to finally get rid of your indecisiveness 

you ended up going to school earlier than usual to see who your secret admirer

as you walk into the corridor you see a guy entering your classroom with a cup of coffee

but he had his back to you on so you couldn’t see his face

your heart sped up so much you thought you were going to have a heart attack

you entered the classroom

and you saw him

and your heart completely stopped

with his perfect uniform, blazer and tie, with his eyes that could melt you into a puddle of goo, his slightly messed up hair and his pink lips

he was standing right in front of you with an expression of shock

Bae Jinyoung

“uuhhhh-y/n-n what are you doing here so early?” he said nervously rubbing the back of his neck

you didn’t answer the question and shyly asked

“you’re the one who’s been giving me coffees aren’t you?”

he looked down not meeting your eyes and said in a hesitant tone but super sweetly

“yes, i like you y/n, i’ve liked you since the start of high school, i’m so sorry for teasing you that was the only way i could think of getting you attention and when those girls bullied you. I didn’t know what to do but i felt so guilty which is why i did everything possible for you to forgive me and thankfully you did. i completely understand if you don’t return my feelings especially after everything i did to you but i promise to wait for you” 

your heart melted as he confessed and before you knew it

you ran into his arms and hugged him tight instantly he hugged you back

and you felt everything you were supposed to 

safe, loved and cared for

“i like you too, jinyoung, how could i not and i forgive you for everything that happened before. But also you chose a really shitty way to get my attention.” you chuckled softly still wrapped in his arms

“i know i did” he replied with a light laugh

you broke apart as the bell rang

you ended up sitting next to each other whispering jokes and laughing softly as the teacher droned on

jinyoung insisted into taking you to every class and carrying your bag

you protested but you only ended up with him walking to you to every class but you got to wear your bag

he always had his arm around you or held your hand

and you felt so loved and happy when he did and he’d always smile at you 

lunch came

and you entered the cafeteria and literally 10 seconds after you did

seongwoo literally got up on the table where the members and your best friend was sitting on and screamed to the whole entire cafeteria

“OUR BABY JINYOUNG FINALLY CONFESSED TO Y/N, THEY’RE GONNA BE THE CUTEST, MOST AWKWARD AND EASIEST TO TEASE COUPLE EVER!!!” 

jinyoung groaned embarrassed and you were murderous screaming to seongwoo who was like a big brother to you

“YAH! ONG SEONGWOO I’M GOING TO KILL YOU” 

“ONLY IF YOU CATCH ME” he said and had a nerve to even wink at you

you chased him around the cafeteria and ended up tackling him to the ground to everyones amusement and you ended up sitting on him until he apologised which he did

you were satisfied and headed towards the table 

you didn’t notice jinyoung stood up and as you reached the table and gave you a back hug and a kiss on your head lol i love back hugs sm 

and said whispering sweetly into your ear which resulted into you smiling blushing back up at him

“that’s my girl”

OKAY THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE CAUSE I LOVE BAEJIN and he's such a cutie and also making it in the same universe as my guanlin fic made it 2x better. anyways it was so much longer than i expected to be and i feel like its super shitty lmao. anyways about the gif ik its not that great w the story but he looks so cute i cannot and also i make my fics unnecessarily enemies to lovers lmao sorry bout that. ANYWAYS PLEASE SEND THINGS TO MY INBOX OR MESSAGE ME ILL LOVE YOU IF YOU DO, don’t care if its feedback, a question, a request (even tho i have so many rip), or like anything

enemies to lovers series: bae jinyoung | ong seongwoo | park jihoon | kim jaehwan | lai guanlin | ha sungwoon | hwang minhyun | yoon jisung

[purple-possibilities]

Sibi oneechan I'm so sad )))': i had a dream I was married to Kakashi last night but he was mean, abusive, controlling and manipulative. And in my dream all my friends and family turned against me and were hurting me too. Tbh I woke up kind of scared of him and of relationships in general. I know you're busy but I could use something positive, esp about Kakashi ))): sorry

I’m so sorry that youhad such an alarming dream!  And for it tofeature being married to Kakashi to boot… that’s like pouring salt in thewound.  You got gypped!

So, to fix that, letme tell you what being married to Kakashi is actually like.  We can wipe the slate, so to speak, and giveyou something good to (day)dream about. I hope this cheers you up (it’s over 5.3k so buckle up, kiddo)

To start, let’s talk about Kakashi and marriage ingeneral.  Kakashi is definitely the typeof guy who never thought he was going to get married.  When he was a kid he didn’t care about datingor romance at all.  Girls were dumb.  Boys were dumb.  Kids were dumb.  Everyone but Kakashi (and his papa) weredumb.   So he didn’t think about it.

Then he got his team (which reinforced the idea thateveryone was dumb, but Minato got added to the exception list) which was just abad experience for Kakashi.  His fatherkilled himself soon after, and then one by one his teammates died/were killed,all in very traumatic fashions.  Whichled to Kakashi isolating himself even more. Any thoughts Kakashi might have had about getting married (with Minatoand Kushina being married and her being pregnant, I feel like he might havegiven it a very brief, passing thought before dismissing it as trivial,especially if the adults around him we’re being adults and saying things like “that’s going to be you one day,” or “I can’t wait to see you when you fall inlove,” and other annoying things people older than you often say about thishypothetical ‘one day’ you) are completely gone at this point.

Then Kakashi goes through his ANBU phase, he gets Team 7, andthere’s just no time to think about dating or settling down.  Kakashi is still very reclusive before Team7, and it takes a bit after he does get his students for him to open up atall.  So Kakashi definitely isn’t lookingor thinking about love.  I can’t imagineKakashi dating at all in this period of time, not casually at least.  It would have to be in a very specificcircumstance.  Like, someone he alreadytrusts who has been in his life for a while, and then some situational things,and some movie magic.

To make things worse, whatever healing that happened afterbecoming a sensei was washed away with the whole Sasuke defection drama Ialmost wrote defecation, that would have been an entirely differentseries.  Kakashi has his feelings offailure compounded, his guilt is magnified, he feels like an even biggerfailure, and the rest of his students are gone, too.  So he regresses a bit.  That means there’s still not time to think about dating,except for maybe depressing thoughts when he sees people together, like“they’re so happy, no one would want to be with me like that, I’d just ruintheir life anyways.”

I do think that Kakashi begins to crave that sort ofintimacy after a while.  He might be abit envious of Asuma and Kurenai’s relationship, not because he’s in love witheither Asuma or Kurenai, but because they have each other, and Kakashi feelslike he has no one.  But again, his lifeis in shambles and Kakashi is not about to bring someone else into it, so nodating.  (I can also see him trying toconvince himself that he doesn’t want it either.  Like ‘oh, I don’t need that, it’s not for me’etc, but his love for Icha Icha tells me otherwise—boy wants connections, he’sjust too scared and stunted to make them of his own volition).

When the Fourth War is over, this is when Kakashi has timeto heal.  His precious people survived(the people he loooooves, it’s so nice to think that Kakashi has people heloves, he deserves it—we all do), and he has some sort of closure with his Obitoguilt.  He’ll have to work out his guiltfor “causing” the Fourth War in the first place (not that I think it’s hisfault, but Kakashi probably does), but he’s in a good place.  Konoha is in a good place, the ShinobiNations as a whole are in a good place, it’s just a good time for healing.  

I can see Kakashi entertaining the idea of dating at thispoint in his life, maybe after a few years. He might see his students and the other sensei’s kids starting to pairoff and date, and maybe Kakashi begins to think about settling downhimself.  Although, he’s gonna have tocatch feelings first before he makes a move.

It probably takes Kakashi a while to even realise that hehas a crush (“What is the strange feeling in my chest whenever they walkby?  Maybe I’m hungry.  When was the last time I ate?”) because Idon’t think he’s ever had one before. He’ll probably think of it as admiration at first, since he’ll confuseit with the way he felt for Minato and his dad somewhat (platonically people,jeeze).  Like, he wants to be around thisperson, he wants to impress them, he likes it when they pay attention to him,he gets nervous when they’re around, he somehow manages to make a fool ofhimself every time he hears their name, etc.  

Once he connects the dots, however (and it was 100% IchaIcha that clued him off, thanks Jiraiya, RIP), Kakashi has like, amini-breakdown.  He still doesn’t thinkthat he’s worthy, he still thinks no one would want to be with him, he stillthinks that he’s no good.  Gai probably findsout and has to convince Kakashi to take a chance.  It likely involves making it a Challenge™ ofsome sort.

Kakashi does what he always does; he strategizes.  Kakashi is a man of strategy, so he’s goingto make a plan on how to woo you.

Unfortunately for Kakashi, his experience with romance anddating at all is zilch.  Twice asunfortunately, with Asuma gone (RIP Asuma you went too soon), he only has Icha Icha as a guide.  Kakashi might also nab a book he has seen Saiwalking around with (Romance and Relationships: A Beginner’s Guide to Dating.  I do not recommend it).

So Kakashi makes his plan. It’s very well thought out, has multiple phases, and contingencies, andsoooo many layers you don’t even know.  Despitehow convoluted it is, it can be separated into two fairly simple phases—it’show he executes each phases where things get messy.  I’ll briefly explain it.

Phase 1 is figure out if you like him.  This involves like, Elle Woods-esque (fromLegally Blonde) tips and tricks.  Like,bending over in front of you and seeing if you stare at his ass.  He probably starts talking to you more,trying to be super casual.  He suddenlybumps into you all the time.  Whereveryou go, Kakashi is somehow there too.  Ifyou try and talk to him though, he gets all aloof and distant, because hedoesn’t want you to know that he likes you yet. It’s very confusing.  He justcomes across as Odd.

Eventually he clues in that you like him (although someoneelse probably figures it out and tells him). So he moves on to Phase 2: Ask You Out.

Kakashi asking people out is always hilarious whenever Iimagine it.  I can see it happening intwo (equally hilarious) ways.  Although the first is the most likely, I have to add the second.  You’ll see why soon lol.

In the first, he is so laid back and aloof that he probablystrikes out multiple times because you just don’t understand that he’s askingyou something at all, let alone asking you one a date.  Like, I’m pretty sure the first few attempts,you think he’s talking to someone else and just walk on by like nothinghappened.  Like, he’ll say vague thingssuch as, “It’s a nice day for a walk,” or “Yakiniku Q has the best BBQ” or “I’llbe at Ichiraku later.”  And you’re justlike “???” or “That’s nice,” or just keep on walking because you didn’t evennotice he was there.  Boy is too stealthy sometimes; it’s really notworking out for him.

So he realises that he needs to be more direct.  Kakashi, however, gets stuck in the ‘oh Ithought you were asking as a friend’ type thing.  He might think you two are on a date, untilyou ask something like ‘where’s everyone else?’ and then he realises that hewas not direct enough.  He was probablysuper late, too.  You may have even left,thinking you were in the wrong spot (or you were just tired of waiting, let’sbe honest).  

So he’ll ask again, this time saying that he’s picking youup from your house, since that’s a date-thing to do, and also that way youdon’t leave when he’s late.  Because heis still late, although it’s because he’s nervous and trying to figure out howto not mess things up, not so much that he didn’t want to come.

The second way I can see him asking someone out is by farthe more hilarious.  Rae and I havetalked about this before with one of her KakaHana one-shots and it’s like, themost Kakashi thing ever.  He getsflowers, and writes a poem about his feelings for you (it’s a very cheesy poembut it’s super sweet). He knocks on your door and when you answer, gets on oneknee outside of your house. He’s sweating and shaking and he tries to recitethe poem but he’s stuttering through it, redder even than that one time theyasked him to read Icha Icha out loud, if that’s even possible.  It is a huge, cheesy, romantic gesture,probably straight out of Icha Icha.  It’severy romance novel cliché, it’s painful to watch (let alone being Kakashi) sotake pity on him, accept the flowers, pry the poem out of his shaking hands,and say “yes,” already.  

Invite him in for tea. Do not tell him how sweet he is, unless you want him to faint.  If anyone other than you witnessed him askingyou out, he would probably die of embarrassment.  Never bring it up again.  I think the only way he’d do this, though, isif he already had strong feelings for you. Like they were closer to love than just a crush, and you were friends for a while.  He thinks the grand romantic gesture is what he needs in order to show you that he wants to switch your relationship from friendship to romance.

For Kakashi to ask anyone out at all, I do think it’sbecause he’s hoping it will lead to something more, eventually.  He’s not a casual dater.  That’s not to say that he’s trying to settledown quickly, or that he’s just going to stay with the first person he asks outno matter what, but he is definitely looking for something serious.

Even then, it takes Kakashi a while to propose.  No matter how quickly he falls for you, he’sstill got his issues and his insecurities. He feels somehow like he’s cheated you, tricked you into being with him,or somehow stolen you.  He definitelydoes not think that he is worthy, and no matter how much you love him, thiswill be hard to change.  It’s somethinghe needs to get over himself.  Anytimeyou tell him you love him, he feels an overwhelming warmth in his chest, aswell as shame, and fear, and guilt, and a whole host of other things.  I don’t know that Kakashi will ever be ableto get over it.

I think the best thing you could do to reassure Kakashi isto show him that you’re happy.  He willdefinitely be trying very hard to make you happy, to make up for his ownfeelings of inadequacy.  This, out ofeverything, makes him feel better.  He stillcan’t imagine why you would like him, let alone love him, but as long as you’rehappy, he feels like he’s doing something right.  He feels like it’s okay for him to be withyou, because you are content, and that’s really what he wants for you.

After a few years of being happy together (and you’veprobably moved in together at this point), Kakashi will start to believe that it’sokay for him to have you.  He had wantedyou and loved you and tried his best to deserve you. Maybe he still feels likehe doesn’t deserve you and all the happiness you bring him, but he can tellthat you’re not going anywhere; he “let you” get too attached, and—if you’vehinted to it at all—he’ll be thinking about marriage.  

He’s probably wanted to marry you for a while now, but hedidn’t want to trap you in anything.  Butyou haven’t gone anywhere, and aren’t planning on going anywhere, so Kakashi wantsto do right by you (that’s what he says to himself, because he is a selflessman.  But deep down, he desperately wants to tie youto him, he wants to casually call you his spouse, he wants to call you his—he’salready yours, all of him is yours, he is devoted and loyal and completely atyour whim, though he doesn’t have the words to say it.  He thinks this might just show you howprecious you are to him).

So Kakashi proposes. He also has a very convoluted, intricate plan for this.  I’m not going to outline a proposal, becauseI really think that the ideal proposal is different from person to person.  Kakashi would know you so well at this point(maybe a little too well, he’s observant and a master at looking underneath theunderneath) and so he’d craft it to be exactly what you’d like.  Whether it’s casually going for dinner andthen a walk, where he takes you somewhere private and gets on one knee (hestutters and blushes through telling you how much you mean to him) or somethingcompletely cheesy and romantic (he also stutters and blushes through the wholething) or whatever.  Kakashi will go outof his comfort zone for you, because at the end of the day he really just wantsto make you happy (which can be dangerous for him, because he doesn’t thinkabout his own happiness—really, he’s just happy if you are.  So try and do things to make him happy too,no one-sided relationships here).

It takes him like a month to plan and organize things to hisstandards (if he’s Hokage now, it’ll take him even longer).  I can’t decide if he actually manages tocarry out the plan, if he gets too nervous and fudges it up on the day, or ifhe just cracks and randomly asks you out of the blue because he just loves youso much and he can’t wait, or the nerves got the best of him and he can’t take it anymore.  If it’s thelatter he’ll try to back-peddle and recover but honestly just kiss him (even ifit’s over the mask) and say ‘yes,’ to put the poor man out of his misery.

So you’re engaged (wasn’t this supposed to be about marriagewhere did I go wrong?) and Kakashi is temporarily relieved.  The wedding, however, makes him soooonervous.  Not because he has any doubtabout marrying you, but if you want a big ceremony (not happening if he’s not Hokage, btw, because Jounin Kakashi doesn’t have command over ANBU and can’t get you any bodyguards), or even one in front ofjust your close family and friends, he’s sooo worried about it.  He wants everything to be perfect for you, hedoesn’t know what that means but Icha Icha said that weddings were the happiestday of the couple’s life and Kakashi feels like if he fails at this, then he’sgoing to ruin your relationship for all time. Yes, he totally is overreacting. I hc that Kakashi can’t really deal with emotions well, and this is agood example of that.

Kakashi will go along with whatever you want.  But this is where you really need to step inand think about what he wants, too, because he will not.  So don’t plan anything that will make himuncomfortable.  Although, if he’s Hokagehe’s probably going to have to have a huge wedding, with the village involvedand everything.  Hooooboy.  This… this is a lot to take in.

Absolutely do not suggest that he not wear his mask.  He honestly might take it off for you, as ashow of dedication and his love, but he will feel so out of place (and plusthen all people will talk about when referencing your marriage is his face andthat will just make him more uncomfortable). So, mask on (sorry Future).  

While Kakashi is great at planning things in the tacticalsense, this skill does not apply to wedding planning.  He’ll make time to go with you places, liketo look at venues, or to taste food and stuff, but things like colours andflowers and whatever, he doesn’t care. So that’s going to fall to you. Sorry.  Get your friends to help.

Engaged life is probably pretty similar to dating life withKakashi, considering you’ve already moved in with him and see each other everyday.  

The length of time you’re engagedis determined by how complex your wedding ceremony is.  Kakashi is ready to go elope the second heproposes (ok so he was ready before he proposed but he has to ask you first, hecan’t just swoop in and take you to an officiant, he has some tact).  You’re probablystressed because so much of the planning falls on your shoulders, but Kakashigives really nice massages and he’ll totally make it up to you in other ways,wink wink.

On the day you get married, Kakashi is super worried thatsomething is going to go wrong.  Hethinks you’re going to change your mind and leave him at the altar.  He is probably a sweating mess.  He acts really indifferent on the outsidethough, or tries his best.  No one willever realise just how nervous he actually was, although those close to him cantell that he’s not as unaffected as he usually looks.

The moment he sees you, however, his heart stops.  You look stunning, no matter what you’rewearing.  He is simply in awe.  It’s finally happening.  You’re here. You haven’t changed your mind.

I’m going to skip the ceremony and reception stuff, becausehonestly you planned it, not me, so you go ahead and take a minute to imageyour wedding.   I will say, however, thatonce the ceremony is over, Kakashi is soooo relieved.  Everything worked out, no one tried to opposeyour ceremony (he’s read too much Icha Icha ok he was half convinced some pastlover of yours was going to crash the wedding and take you away from him).

Kakashi is more relaxed during the reception (if you have one) andhe’s never far from your side.  Hedoesn’t like the attention on him, but he likes that you’re his spouse now, andhe doesn’t want to let you out of his sight. He probably plans to whisk you away somewhere asap, though, leaving shadowclones as decoys (unless you really want to stay.  Then he’ll stay.  But take pity on the man at the very leastand keep the attention on you and not him. Although honestly he’d probably manage to make your guests uncomfortablesomehow).  

Gai definitely makes at least one Youthful speech at somepoint.  The more he drinks the morespeeches he makes, to be completely honest. There are lots of tears and YOUTH and you should probably leave before hecovers you and Kakashi with snot from all the happy tears he’s crying.  Direct him towards Lee; they’ll hug it out.

Kakashi’s favourite part of the reception is getting to slowdance with you.  Even though everyone iswatching, he enjoys having you so close. He’s been stressed out all day and having you in his arms, inhaling yourscent, hearing you whisper that you love him, it just helps him decompress.  Honestly, you should really cuddle him a bitbefore the reception, in private.  Showup late.  It’s cool, no one expects youto be on time anyways.

THE WEDDING NIGHT.

…do I really have to go here?  

*le sigh*

All I’m going to say is, wear some nice lingerie underneathyour outfit.  If you’re brave enough (orhave no filter, like myself) whisper all the things you’re going to do tohim/want him to do to you.  He’ll go sored, but it’ll turn him on sooo much. Just go for it.  Even if you’reblushing yourself, it’s totally worth it. Be brave, lil birdy, I believe in you.

You’re both probably tired from the day you had, so maybeyou just help each other undress and then fall into bed together (poor, unusedlingerie.  Kakashi will ask you to wearit tomorrow night).  Kakashi can’t sleepthough, he’s had too stressful of a day. Instead he holds you closer and thinks about how lucky he is… and thenreads Icha Icha.  Come on, the man isn’tfrom a romance novel he’s not going to stare at you adoringly all night.  He will probably turn his head into yourhair, occasionally nuzzling or pressing soft kisses wherever he can reach.

If you wake up and want to have some fun, he’s definitelynot going to turn you down, either.  Hehonestly might need the release just to loosen up and actually fall asleep.  Get Kakashi off.  Just do it. It’ll be fun I promise.

So you’re married now. This was my point. I’m finally at the point.  Wait, honeymoon.  Ok ok real quick.  No, fuck it. You make this part up.  I’m sureit’s lovely.  Kakashi goes where youwant.  Do something romantic for him (hewill blush so hard if you romance him it’s so worth it he’s adorable just doit).  Hopefully he has some time off fromhis Hokage duties.  Spend lots of timealone, just the two of you.  That’swhat’s important—being together.

Ok so now I’m atmy point.  Married life.

Kakashi is so much more relaxed now that you’remarried.  He’s not worried about youleaving him, because while you might divorcehim, he’s confident that you wouldn’t have married him if you were planning onbeing with anyone else.  Your marriage issomething concrete; it’s tangible in a way, in that it’s on paper and everyoneknows about it.  While he probablyworries about it being such public knowledge, if he’s Hokage he can’t avoidit.  And if not, well, he would haverequired a more private wedding, limited to just your family and close friendsthat you both would trust with your lives. Kakashi does not compromise on your safety.  You’re going to just have to deal with it.

He loves waking up next to you.  If he wakes up first, he’ll turn into you andhold you closer, letting himself drift on the edges of sleep.  Or he’ll grab Icha Icha from his nightstandand read a bit.  He’s perfectly contentjust lying in bed for a while.  If hereally has to leave, he’ll do his best not to wake you when he gets up (itprobably involves a replacement jutsu with a body pillow).  Then he’ll use all his ninja skills to getready and go.  He might cook you somebreakfast, and leave it in the stove to stay warm.  You’ll probably find a silly note signed witha henohenomoheji on your hairbrush or something—whatever you go for first whenyou wake up.

If you wake up first, your movement will wake him up.  Always. He’ll pull you closer and whisper “just five more minutes,” and how canyou say no to sleepy Kakashi?  You can’t,only a monster would have that power.  Sosettle back down, cuddle a bit, and maybe start kissing a little, and let yourhands wander, and if one thing leads to the next, well… I’m sure you’ll have anice morning.  You’re going to be latethough.  I hope you didn’t have anywhereimportant to be.

Although Kakashi seems like the type of guy who wouldn’t putstock in important dates, I think he himself really likes celebrating youranniversary.  It’s a celebration thatyou’re together, that you love him, that he makes you happy… it’s just good forhim.  That doesn’t necessarily mean hemakes a big deal out of it, but he definitely remembers.  He’ll get you something meaningful, that he’sput too much thought into but he’ll pass off as “oh, I just picked somethingup.”  

Kakashi will want to do something special but also lowkey.  Maybe he’ll pull out the sake or the wine (ifyou don’t usually drink it) or maybe he’ll go for champagne (if you likeit).  He will have mysteriously just “found it” somewhere.  A nice old ladygave it to him as a thank you for carrying her groceries.  He caught some kids in an alleyway andhe—being responsible—had to confiscate it. He had to help a cat out of a tree and he found it in a bird’s nest(they use stranger and stranger things to build their nests.  Why, only the other day he found a perfectlywrapped and beautifully arranged bouquet of flowers in one.  What odd birds.  That’s definitely it).

If you’re staying in, he offers to cook.  Insist on doing it together.  Even if you’re not a great cook, just chopwhat needs chopping, or hand him things. Crowd him in the kitchen.  Helikes how casually your skin brushes against his.  How you slip by him, how your hands brush… hejust likes that casual intimacy that means you’re close to someone.  That sort of calm, domestic stuff gets to him.  It makes him feel like he’s alive instead ofjust existing.  Even just hugging himfrom behind while he works over the stove—clinging tight enough to hold on butnot so tight that he can’t move around—is enjoyable to him.  Bury your nose in his back or his neck or hisshoulder or whatever idk how tall you are but just nuzzle the boy he’ll enjoyit.

Idk how close you are with your family, but if they’re agood bunch, I think he’d like family get-togethers, while simultaneously hatingthem.  Since he lost his family, I thinkit’s a sort of novelty to him; like, he thinks it’s nice that you have peoplewho love you, he thinks it’s interesting to watch how you all interact,etc.  But he’s super anti-social, andthese things make him sooo uncomfortable (especially if you have one of those well-meaningbut nosey and pushy families).  He’ll tryto hide in corners, and people will be like ‘Where’d Kakashi go?’ and he’slike, disguised himself with a genjutsu or something so no one can see him.  He won’t leave without telling you, but hewill probably leave early.  Whether you leavewith him or not is your choice, he doesn’t mind if you want to stay, he justcan’t be there for too long.

Don’t host people at your place though.  Unless it’s like a once a year thing becauseyou have to.  Even then, Kakashi isleaving early.  He’ll help you clean uponce everyone is gone, though, and help you prepare before everyone getsthere.  He’ll have a better time if peoplehe’s close to are there, so he doesn’t have to make small talk with people he’snot comfortable with.  He still leavesearly.  There’s no stopping him.  Don’t try to. Don’t get mad.  It’s just how itis.

Kakashi probably really likes calling you wife/spouse/husbandin private.  He’ll use it instead of yourname.  Call him ‘husband’ or ‘anata’ andyou’ll get his heart jumping.  Tell himhe’s yours and watch him blush.

If he’s Hokage, he’ll probably be busy (even if he playshookie often).  Surprise him for lunchand you’ll make his day.  Honestly, he’dstay in the office if he knew you were stopping by, so do Shizune a favour andmake your way over so she doesn’t have to chase him around.  He might leave after you go, however.  There’s no helping it.

Although I do think he’d be a very hard working Hokage,honestly.  He might not be happy aboutthe position, as it was never his dream, but Kakashi cares for the village socompletely and with such an intensity that I can’t see him avoiding it whenthere are things that need to be done. He tries his best.  Make sure hecomes home at a reasonable time.

I actually wholeheartedly disagree with the idea thatKakashi is lazy.  I think he does areally good job of appearinglazy.  He doesn’t want people in hisbusiness, he doesn’t share much about himself, and he has no desire to go outof his way to prove his merits to anyone (he’s not a man who wants his meritsto be acknowledged at all, let along prove them).  Kakashi is humble and shy so shy omg.  He’s not a slacker, though—he would not bethe ninja he is if he were lazy.

So he’s not going to leave things for you to do, he’s notgoing to just sit around and watch while you clean up after him, or neglectyou, or whatever.  Kakashi puts effortinto everything that’s important to him (and no, training Team 7 wasn’timportant to him when he first got them, but he did put in that effort whentraining Sasuke, because it was important to train him at the time—baddecisions aside.  That’s a different canof worms, however).

Kakashi has definitely been touch-starved.  When you start dating, he might find itawkward or uncomfortable when you touch him intimately.  And I don’t mean sex, I mean gentletouches.  Holding hands, leaning yourhead on his shoulder, etc.  Respect hisboundaries and don’t push him.  By thetime you’re married, he’ll be reaching for you without thought.  He’ll never be big on PDA though, so don’texpect him to be the guy pulling you into his lap in public.  He will do that in private, though.  Like a Venus flytrap lol.  Get too close and suddenly you’re in hisgrasp.  It’s cute.  Cuddle for a bit, even if you have things todo.  They can wait.

I should have said this earlier, but you’re definitely goingto be late for things, from now on—like, shortly after you move in together.  I can’t see you being on time.  Ever. Sorry.  Whether you’re going withKakashi or going by yourself, he’s somehow managing to delay you.  You might be on time if he’s out of thevillage and he’s not around to distract you. Although he’s probably engrained himself so deeply into you at thispoint that you forget to set your alarm, or you don’t realise the time, orwhatever.  RIP time managementskills.  It was nice knowing you. Sayonara.  

My point though, at the end of it all, is that Kakashi isvery appreciative to have you in his life. He thinks of you as one of the best things that has ever happened tohim.  That you chose to be with him, thatyou choose to stay with him, means the world to him.  He had never imagined that his life wouldturn around from the tragedy it was to something that makes him so happy.  So of course he would never mistreat you.  

Kakashi cherishes every second you choose to spend withhim.  He will probably never feel like hedeserves you, which is a tragedy in and of itself.  But because he knows what it means to loseeverything, he values you even more. Kakashi is kind and loyal and he tries his best.  That’s all we can ask of ourselves and eachother at the end of the day.  And Kakashiwill be his best for you

I hope this manages to cheer you up!  It’s the best I could think up.  

[moiraineswife]

Azriel Meta - Shadows

I started replying to this post by @abookandacoffee but, well, I’ve been meaning to talk about this theory/idea for ages and it got...long...and it kind of started going beyond the scope of the original post SO NOW IT GETS ITS OWN (alo *apologises in advance because I’m going to disagree with a few points of yours SORRY*) 

I’ve seen the shadows disappearing/leaving him completely theory a few times and it’s always confused me a little bit? For a start I think it’s something that’s inherent in Az, like Mor’s magic or Rhys’s daemati powers but for another I could never figure out why people wanted them to go. Then I realised people figured that they were somehow sinister, that they might even whisper bad things to him, make him worse, that they were connected to his trauma and I never read them that way? (Which apparently makes me in the minority here but what else is new?) 

I never actually saw the shadows as a symbol of Azriel’s childhood trauma? (I think that the scars on his hands do that more than anything else and there’s soooo much symbolism in there especially given what he does now for his court but that is a meta for another day) 

As for the shadows I always thought of them as...Well the opposite actually?

In the centuries I’d known him, he’d said little about his life, those years in his father’s keep, locked in darkness. Perhaps the shadowsinger gift had come to him then, perhaps he’d taught himself the language of shadow and wind and stone.

I think the shadows are a positive thing for Azriel actually? I don’t want him to lose them, I don’t think he wants to lose them either. They’re a part of him. A good part. I think they represent something like freedom to him. When he was chained up in a dark cell the shadows connected him to the outside world. They told him what was happening, warned him about what was coming, probably made it far easier for him to protect himself and for him not to fear the darkness that surrounded him when it confided all its secrets to him.

I also think those shadows lead to his release. The incident with his burned hands happened when he was eight but he wasn’t released and allowed to go to the war camps to be trained until he was eleven. When he arrived he knew nothing - nothing of fighting, nothing even of flying. But he was a shadowsinger. Rare and coveted I think if anyone sought to use Azriel and his gift it was his father and that that was the only reason they let him out, let him go to the war camps to be trained. (That’s all very guessworky I admit that but it’s not too huge a leap.)

I don’t think the shadows are a result of of his trauma, not exactly, or that they were somehow caused by what he suffered. Maybe that caused them to wake sooner than they might otherwise have done (I don’t think the high fae for example come fully into their power before they mature (for Mor it was reaching 17 and her first period) But I don’t think it’s a manifestation of it - I think they’re a shield.

I think they protect him. I think they tell him things to keep him and the people that he loves safe. I think they’re a defence mechanism, they’re a kind of armour:

It was almost enough to distract me from noticing Azriel as those shadows lightened, and his gaze slid over Mor’s body: a red, flowing gown of chiffon accented with gold cuffs, and combs fashioned like gilded leaves swept back the waves of her unbound hair.

A wisp of shadow curled around Azriel’s ear, and his eyes snapped to mine. I schooled my face into bland innocence.

(Az’s shadows warning him Feyre is being an interfering little so and so is one of my favourite parts of this and I’ve been meaning to parallel it with Mor for ages but it’s coming out here so WHAT CAN YOU DO?)

This is obviously a fairly bland example since Feyre isn’t actually causing him or Mor any kind of harm - but it’s something Az clearly wants to know about and so the shadows tell him. I’ve never been able to see them as negative or bad in any way. I think they’re positive. And I think the only reason that they lighten around Mor is that he trusts her and that he allows himself to be vulnerable with her. Rhys has told us that Mor is the only one who can get Az’s guard to drop and get any real truth from him about how he feels. I think the response of his shadows is symbolic of that more than anything - it’s his guard dropping around her. He doesn’t need his shadows to protect him as much around her, it’s instinct.

So like on a personal level I think the shadows are good for him? And I don’t want him to lose them. But I also don’t think that it’s something Rhys uses and I don’t think what they offer Azriel is...Inherently negative. (This is...complicated...because in a lot of ways those shadows are tied to Azriel’s self-worth and the value he feels he has to his court because they’re a huge part of him being able to do his job. But I think that’s more...a personal thing than a thing that’s exploited)

I think Rhys definitely worries about Az and if Az were to say he was done with this/he couldn’t do it any more that’d be that no questions asked from Rhys. Whether or not he would is another story but I think...I don’t think it’s a result of power imbalance. I don’t think it’s because Rhys has made him feel like he can’t tell him. Rhys isn’t putting any pressure on Azriel here - Azriel is putting pressure on Azriel.

As with what we’ve discussed about Moriel this is something that comes from Azriel’s personal insecurities and it is not up to anyone else to ‘fix’ that for him. That’s just downright disrespectful of Azriel’s independence and agency as a person tbh. Rhys can’t take Az’s job away from him/lessen his demands on him for the same reasons Mor won’t go to him and try and force his hand about their relationship. It’s Azriel’s choice. Even if they think his insecurities and what he does to himself is unhealthy, I think it’d be more unhealthy if either of them (in this case more specifically Rhys as he has more direct ‘power’ over Az if you like as his High Lord) tried to stop. It’s not Rhys’ place to decide what Az can or can’t handle, that’s up to Azriel.

I also think that....There’s something of Mor and the Court of Nightmares in what Azriel does. I don’t think it’s exactly good for him (torture probably doesn’t do wonders for one’s mental health after all) but I also don’t think it fully prevents him from healing and moving on from his trauma. I think in a lot of ways it’s like Mor and the CoN and giving some control over something that was directly used to hurt them. (Azriel’s is just...a much darker, more twisted and uncomfortable and difficult thing to talk/think about version of that but there’s similar logic)

People often made the mistake of assuming Cassian was the wilder one; the one who couldn’t be tamed. But Cassian was all hot temper—temper that could be used to forge and weld. There was an icy rage in Azriel I had never been able to thaw.

I think this is a part of Azriel that is entirely his own and it’s not something that Rhys (try as he might) has any great influence over. There’s a darkness in Azriel that’s hinted at a fair few times and while I don’t think he relishes what he does I think he’s capable of it. In a way that say Cassian would not be, I think Az has the ability to...compartmentalise in a way.

I also think that it’s important to note, when talking about Rhys and Az which I’ll get to more in a minute, that Rhys is aware that Az has a support system in place? He knows that he won’t talk to Cassian about it and he won’t talk to him (which implies that they’re both concerned and have both tried, probably more than once) but Rhys knows that Mor will talk to him and that Azriel will (eventually) talk back. He knows that Az isn’t fully dealing with this all on his own and that he does have an outlet and someone he can discuss these things with and who will help him work through things if he’s struggling which is important. Rhys isn’t indifferent to what Az is doing or oblivious to it either he’s aware of it and he’s aware of the support Az has as well. (Also I think it’s important to note that the only thing we see Az torture in ACOMAF is the Attor. Which was....vile. Az isn’t out there torturing innocent servants for information and tbh I don’t think he had any great issue chopping the Attor into tiny little pieces)

Okay last point (I PROMISE) is the power imbalance thing you mentioned between Rhys and Az and Azriel maybe feeling beholden to Rhys and therefore somehow obliged to keep doing this. This idea makes me...Uncomfortable. It’s too Tamlin-ish for me to entirely happy with it but I also don’t think it’s happening? Not in that way. Okay this is also Complicated (goddammit Az) but I think it comes back to the same thing of self enforced pressures vs external pressures. And there’s basically none of the latter coming from Rhys in this equation.

Theoretically there’s a definite power imbalance between Rhys and Az (and Rhys and.....Everyone in the entire Night Court since he is their HIgh Lord after all) but....The thing with that sort of dynamic is like anything in these books. The thing itself is not inherently unhealthy or toxic or abusive. (This is also seen with Tamlin’s protectiveness: the desire to protect someone is not inherently negative. It’s only negative when it’s taken to the extreme where it starts to wear on their mental health and the protective person doesn’t take that into account because they’re too busy making themselves feel better to care. Protectiveness= not unhealthy Using that protectiveness as a way to control someone while dressing it up as caring about them = deeply unhealthy)

So yes Rhys has power over Azriel which creates an imbalance between them in a theoretical sense. Practically though...Rhys doesn’t enforce those ideals. He doesn’t pull rank. He doesn’t order any of his court to do things that they haven’t consented to. (Which is something that opposes what Tamlin does with say Lucien - he uses his power to force Lucien to do things he isn’t comfortable with) There’s a dialogue with them. When they’re deciding what to do it’s a group decision, they talk things over, they debate plans, they’re encouraged to offer their own input. Rhys isn’t running a dictatorship. He has the final say and his court will obey him I’m sure if he does give them a direct order but that’s rare.

I also don’t think Az is in a position where he feels he can’t say no to Rhys/challenge him. (This is...Something that we do see with Lucien/Tamlin which I keep coming back to because it’s a good parallel. The few times that Lucien actually pushes back or attempts to stand up to Tamlin and make his own view heard he’s belittled, intimidated and outright violently punished for it. That’s a power imbalance. That’s a situation where a person cannot speak up or say they are uncomfortable or unhappy with what they’re doing.) This is not what Rhys is doing with his court. Az can and has voiced opinions that Rhys flat out does not like:

Azriel pushed, “It’s a solid plan. The king doesn’t know our scents. We wreck the Cauldron and vanish before he notices … It’ll be a graver insult than the bloodier, direct route we’d been considering, Rhys. We beat them yesterday, so when we go into that castle … ” Vengeance indeed danced in that normally placid face. “We’ll leave a few reminders that we won the last damn war for a reason.”

Cassian nodded grimly. Even Mor smiled a bit.

“Are you asking me,” Rhys finally said, far too calmly, “to stay outside while my mate goes into his stronghold?”

“Yes,” Azriel said with equal calm.

Az is perfectly comfortable with, and capable of, disagreeing with Rhys even when it comes to Feyre. And this is a plan that Rhys ultimately accepts and agrees to (with Feyre’s consent) Azriel’s opinions are validated and properly considered and I have no doubt that if he ever personally feels like he wants to walk away from his job telling Rhys about it wouldn’t be the thing that stops him.

Which is important because it’s not that Rhys has set up an environment in which Azriel feels forced to keep doing something he doesn’t want to. It’s more like Azriel himself is an environment that forces him to keep doing this.  But that’s on Az to sort out and come to terms with. It’s for Az to set his own boundaries and decide what he can and will do. Mor tells us the lengths Az pushes himself are bordering on sadistic but I don’t think anyone in the Inner Circle ever even comes close to agreeing with this or encouraging it. In fact they do the exact opposite.

But there’s a limit to what they can do without imposing their own wills and agencies on Azriel which would then be a power imbalance because that would involve Rhys using his authority over Azriel to compel him to do something that he doesn’t want to that would likely damage him. (Atm I think what Az does (and does well) is important to him. It makes him valuable. It makes him important. It gives him worth. And obviously he doesn’t need to do that for his court/family to love and protect him and value and respect him but he needs it personally for himself.)

(I know you said you didn’t think that Rhys was expressly doing this but I think it’s more like he’s...actively avoiding doing so and I don’t think he ever would. Azriel has never and will never be put in a position where he feels he’s being forced to do something that he personally - for his own reasons not because he feels indebted to any member of the circle - does not want to do)

So...yeah. I think the shadows thing is...An entirely positive thing for Az. And...just because it means someone covets him doesn’t mean he’ll be used? Those shadows give him power - and power over people - since he can read their feelings, intentions and possibly thoughts (we’re not sure, we just know they tell him things he shouldn’t otherwise know) But that puts him in a position of power. And I suppose he could be exploited and used for it but...tbh I think the shadows would protect him from that? (We’ve already seen that they rush to tell him about Feyre being nosy which is an incredibly innocent thing to ‘protect’ him from. If someone was using him...He’d know it.

ANYWAY THIS WAS REALLY LONG AND I’M REALLY SORRY YOU ONLY MADE A TINY POINT AND I TURNED INTO A WHOLE THING BUT I’VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK ABOUT THIS FOR LIKE SIXTEEN YEARS SO HERE WE ARE.

TL;DR: Azriel’s shadows are a positive force that do nothing but actively benefit him and protect him and why do people want to take them away from my shadow son/think he will lose them and this would be a good thing, I am confused? 

[5hfanfiction]

The Kissing Game (6/?)

A/N: Fun fact for all of you, I never actually intended for this story to be angsty. I actually was planning on it being super cute, but then my brain was just like “lmao bitch u thought” and now we’re here watching this mess go down. Anyways, the story is almost over so I hope you’re liking it as much as I’m enjoying writing it.

-

The day after her encounter with Luis, Lauren was walking through the halls of her school again as she made her way to fifth period. She still hadn’t talked to Camila yet, the prospect was making her way too nervous, but she knew she had to do it today or it would tear her to pieces. At lunch, however, Lauren noticed her best friend refused to even look at her, and the one time she caught her gaze, Camila rolled her eyes and looked away, confusing Lauren even more. She knew she had been a dick these past two weeks, but Camila never stopped being nice to her until now and she had no idea why.

As she made her way to class, she ran into Ally. Just the sight of the girl made Lauren grin. The shorter girl was made of sunshine and could make even a grumpy bear smile.

“Hey, Ally,” Lauren greeted her with a wave.

“Hey Laur! How are you!” Ally spoke excitedly as she pulled the green eyed girl in for a hug.

“I’ve been better, but hopefully I’ll be okay soon,” she answered honestly.

Ally gave her a sympathetic look before saying, “You can always come to me for anything, you know that right?”

“Of course I do, this is just something I have to do on my own,” Lauren sighed and Ally nodded understandingly. As the shorter girl went to continue their conversation, her breath caught in her throat as a beautiful girl walked by. Lauren followed her eyes to see the one and only Sydney Sierota walking by, and looked back to see Ally completely dumbstruck.

“Still hopelessly pining after Syd, huh?” Lauren asked gently.

“What? No! We’re just friends, I’m not pining after her..” Ally trailed off as she looked at the ground, toying with the hem of her shirt. Lauren realized in that moment that she never actually finished the game, and decided this was the perfect moment to complete it.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I dared you to kiss her then, would you?” Lauren said mischievously. Ally whipped her head up to meet Lauren’s eyes, her mouth wide open. “What on earth are you talking about, Lauren?”

“I played the Kissing Game but never passed the torch, soooo I dare you, Allyson Brooke Hernandez..”

“No no no no please don’t,” Ally mumbled.

“To kiss Sydney Sierota.”

Ally looked up to the sky and whispered, “Are you even up there?” before sighing and accepting her fate. Lauren noticed the shorter girl’s nerves growing and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Ally, if she doesn’t like you, then she doesn’t deserve you. Anyone would be stupid not to love my favorite ball of sunshine,” Lauren spoke honestly, moving her hand to wrap her arm around the smaller girl’s shoulder.

“Thank you Laur. I still hate you, but I love you.”

Lauren smiled as the warning bell rang. “Good luck, hun. If you’ll excuse me, I have some business of my own to take care of,” and with that Lauren walked into her classroom.

Sitting down at her desk, Lauren pulled out her phone to begin her plan. The teacher didn’t do shit in this class anyways so he wouldn’t notice her texting in the corner.

Lolo: Hey Camz uh.. It’s me. I was wondering if you could meet me at the park by our houses after school?

Camz: Sure.

Lauren looked at the one word text confused. Camila never texted her with just one word, let alone proper grammar and punctuation. Now she knew something was up, she just hoped she could fix it.

-

Sitting under a tree not too far from the fairly vacant park, Lauren waited impatiently for Camila to arrive. Her knee bounced as her anxiety took over, negative thoughts swimming through her brain, the most prominent being ‘she gave up and now she hates you’. Finally after what felt like hours (which was really only twenty minutes), Camila appeared, walking towards Lauren at a steady pace. Lauren scrambled to her feet, walking towards Camila at a much more hurried speed.

“Camz thank god you’re he-”

“What do you want Lauren?” Camila cut her off, making Lauren stumble as she stopped dead in her tracks, letting Camila continue walking toward her. “Hmm? You wanna rub your little boy toy in my face? Tell me how happy you are? How I meant nothing to you?”

Lauren stood there staring at Camila, slightly thrown off by how she was speaking to her. “Camz, what are you talking about?”

“YOU DON’T GET TO CALL ME THAT!” Camila yelled, making Lauren flinch at the volume of her voice. “I know what happened. How you fucked Luis. Was he good, huh? Was he?” Camila taunted Lauren like she was a helpless animal, and honestly Lauren felt like one.

“Nothing happened between him and I,” Lauren said, her voice small and shaky as she felt tears brimming in her eyes.

“Bullshit,” Camila scoffed, standing directly in front of Lauren now. “What, did you need to fuck a guy so you could be straight again?”

“SHUT UP! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND SHUT UP!!” Lauren screamed, finally letting the tears fall along with herself, crumbling to her knees as her body shook with cries. “I-I.. I couldn’t d-do it.. I t-t-tried to but I.. I-I..” she spoke before a loud sob cut her off. Camila’s angry facade immediately shattered, the sight of her best friend so broken and afraid too painful to watch. She knelt down beside the girl, taking one of her hands in her own as she spoke quietly.

“Shit shit Lauren I’m sorry, I just.. I just assumed..” Camila trailed off, knowing Lauren hated assumptions.

“I.. He.. I t-tried to do it.. T-to have s-sex w-with him but.. I-I’m s-so s-s-sorry..” Lauren tried talking again but her sobs were too strong so form any full sentence. Camila pulled Lauren’s body into her own, gently scratching up and down the green eyed girl’s spine as she mumbled sweet nothings into her ear, until finally she calmed down to shaky breaths and stray tears.

“I’m so sorry, Camila,” Lauren mumbled into her best friend’s shoulder.

“No, fuck, you shouldn’t be sorry. I yelled at you for something I assumed. I’m sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Lauren pulled away from her chest and Camila could feel her heart crack in half at the sight; Lauren’s face red from crying, her eyes red and puffy and filled with unspilled tears, and her lip almost bleeding from how hard she bit it to (unsuccessfully) contain her sobs.

“God, Lo I’m so sorry,” Camila apologized again.

“Can we.. can we talk about everything? Just no yelling this time please..” Lauren asked shyly, and Camila cursed herself for making Lauren scared of her.

“Of course. Can I.. ask what happened with Luis?” Camila asked hesitantly.

“Yeah I just uh.. Gotta explain some stuff first.” Camila nodded and Lauren took a deep breath before beginning.

“These past couple weeks have been.. well they’ve been hell. Not talking to you hurt so much more than you realize, it felt like a knife was twisting in my gut every time I ignored you. But I had these.. these feelings I couldn’t understand, and I was terrified of them, so I just shut you out, hoping they would go away..”

“And did they?” Camila asked, praying to god they didn’t.

“I spent fourteen days crying myself to sleep because I couldn’t get them out of my head, couldn’t get you out of my head, so..” Lauren admitted as she looked at the sky, trying to blink back tears again.

“Oh..” Camila felt like a total asshole. She knew she was hurting because of her massive crush on Lauren, but she never thought to think about how this whole situation was affecting Lauren, the girl who had to figure out her entire identity alone.

“Yeah.. so since I refused to tell anyone what I was feeling, I took matters into my own hands. And that’s where Luis came in.” Camila grimaced at the mention of the fuckboy’s name but said nothing, continuing to listen to her best friend talk.

“I invited him over with the intent of having sex with him but everything was just.. wrong. His hands were too big, his lips were chapped, he was too aggressive, and he wasn’t.. he wasn’t..” Lauren trailed off, her voice shaking slightly.

“He wasn’t what?” Camila asked.

“He wasn’t you,” Lauren whispered. “Everything he did, I compared it to you, and it just made everything worse. I ended up telling him to stop, and he told me how I feel is valid. So now, here I am, trying to fix this mess I created.”

Lauren finished with a huff, still staring at the ground. She was angry at herself for letting it get too far, for feeling things towards Camila, and for being angry at herself for something she can’t control. But she needed to say it, out loud, to the one person she trusted the most.

“I.. I’m gay, Camila.”

”And that’s okay.” Camila smiled at the girl in front of her. She was so proud of her for being able to admit it to herself, let alone her. She squeezed Lauren’s shoulder to grab her attention, green eyes finally leaving the ground to meet brown ones.

“I’m so incredibly proud of you, I hope you know,” Camila spoke honestly, causing a hint of a smile to form on Lauren’s lips. “Excuse me, is that a smile I see?” Camila teased her, making the green eyed girl smile even wider, making Camila smile too. Lauren’s smile was infectious and Camila loved that about her. “There she is, I missed happy Lolo.”

“I uh.. I think I’m ready, by the way,” Lauren spoke, immediately shy again.

“Ready for what?” Camila asked, her head tilting to the side like a confused puppy. Lauren closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before opening them and saying, “For this.”

With that, Lauren leaned forward and captured Camila’s lips in a soft kiss. Camila’s breath hitched in her throat, surprised, before she closed her eyes and returned the kiss. Their lips moved against each other’s slowly, as though it was their first kiss. And it kind of was. It was their first kiss as two people who had feelings for one another and genuinely wanted to kiss each other, not a first kiss because of a dumb game.

When Lauren pulled away, Camila released a breath she didn’t know she was holding, her eyes still shut. “Oh my god,” she mumbled, her fingers coming up to touch her lips where Lauren’s once were. When she opened them, Lauren was smiling at her, her eyes shimmering from the sunlight and something else Camila couldn’t quite place.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Camila asked, a tentative smile on her lips.

“Because it’s your turn,” Lauren said, barely containing her giggles. Camila just laughed along with her, her heart fluttering lightly. “You don’t have to tell me twice,” she said before pulling the green eyed girl in, laughing happily into the kiss.

-

As always you can read my story on wattpad here

-Katie

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #72

hey ya’ll, kinda conflicting moods in this survey; the earlier, dreary-sounding answers, please do not worry about them, as i took this over the course of longer than a week.  i was hospitalized this past week and am currently home safe again.  i just don’t feel like going back changing answers, lol.

are you currently distressed about anything?   yes, quite a bit.  i found the gem to the ring jason gave me, but i can't find the ring itself... i really wanna fix it and wear it.  i'm pretty damn upset about the situation, considering how much i cherish anything i've ever had from him. do you like your pop tarts toasted or cold?   i like them how they are in the package. do you like sitting in the front, back, or middle of the classroom?   i prefer the front, 'cuz i can see better and i feel more obligated to engage. what’s your least favorite flavor of candy?   orange do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before?   no. which is worse: living where there’s lots of tornadoes or lots of hurricanes?   tornadoes, definitely.  i live where there are plenty of hurricanes, and the last one we had that was truly devastating was floyd, and that occurred when i was a very young child.  tornadoes, meanwhile, are more immediately dangerous. have you ever seen a black rose?   no, but i would loooove to... do you like pie?   no, actually. if you died right now, how would you feel about your life?   it was a nightmare. do you have any morbid interests?   gore and guts.  bones.  death itself, kinda. if someone were to ask you if you were okay right now, are you?   no.  i'm currently waiting for the suicide hotline's online chat room to open up.  i've been a wreck all evening and google searched something i shouldn't have; google gave me the number to the hotline as well as the option to chat online.  i broke the fuck down.  i've been waiting for a spot to open for like ten minutes... have you ever thrown up from working out?   no, but i know i've been close. do you have any gay family members?   i think i have an uncle who is? would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn?   fuck yes i would be. (new day.) would you date someone who still lived with their parents?   uhhh, why wouldn't i...? would you have to sleep with someone before marrying them?   nope. would you enjoy a night of playing video games?   very much so. would you watch a porno with your partner?   absolutely not. would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends?   errr... i hate admitting this, but no.  it's suspicious. coffee or tea?   i have a strong dislike of both, really. when was the last time you climbed a tree?
   never; nc doesn't really have climbable trees, just pines. what clubs do/did you participate in at school?
   i was in the art club and shit, what was it called... it was for honors students... what is something you and your best friend say/do that seems strange to an outsider?
   act gay as hecke do you like to sleep near the wall, the middle, or the open side of the bed?
   open side. what’s the strangest rumor that has ever been spread about you?
   a rumor started in high school that jason and i had had a baby.  a rachel is who told the person who told me, soooo i'm not stupid.  i know which rachel started it. how involved were you in the drama of your high school?   not at all. do you like to cuddle while you are sleeping?   all night, no.  when jason and i were dating, i would usually begin sleeping cuddled with him, but would pull away during the night because i got hot. what are you favorite places to be touched?
   i'm guessing you mean sexually?  personally my breasts are very sensitive to touch. do you like lip biting?   again, in a sexual context?  sure. describe your first date.   jason took mom and me to see "ghost rider 2."  i personally thought it was very cute that he wanted mom to come, too. what really goes on in your head?   memories, poisoned with remorse.  i'm always looking back and missing how things used to be.  death and decay goes on in my head.  passions pass away, and the darkness that i try so hard to keep in the back of mind envelops its entirety more and more each time i weaken.  i don't mean to sound all dark or poetic, it's just... how i describe things.  i wish just one person would understand exactly what's happening up there. do other people’s opinions mean anything to you?   sometimes. have you ever just wanted to run away to see who would follow?   i have run away, and nearly got the police on my ass. have you ever had a hamster as a pet?   multiple times.  all were assholes. who do you really need in your life?   jason.  yet he's not here. way down in there’s any part of you sad at all?   all parts of me are sad. what’s your favorite type of insect?   i really love butterflies, moths, dragonflies, ladybugs... is there anything worrying you right now? if so, have you talked to anyone about it?   when am i not worried...  i'm so scared jason won't come back.  the last person i talked to about it was virginia, his mom.  i was suicidal last night and was very, very sincerely contemplating killing myself, and i wanted to talk to him, because i feel like he's the only one who can talk me out of it.  so i found their number and called their house past midnight.  i talked to virginia; jason had just gone to bed, and she didn't want to wake him up.  she's such a sweet woman...  she tried so hard to help, but it was all in vain. apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight?   cry, i'm sure. does anyone see you as a role model?   i'm certain that's a no. what is something that you’ve recently learned?   it's very likely i have bpd. what is your most expensive possession?   the laptop jason gave me... but it's broken right now. what’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had?   aside from mental illness, the worst physical illness was just a REALLY bad stomach virus.  i've never even had the flu. are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day?
   if i ever get married... then yeah.  it's one of my fairytales. what kind of music do you tend to like?   heavy metal, some harder rock. do you have any mental disorders?   and they're going to kill me. do you believe everything happens for a reason?   fuck that. do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart?   yes. do you live in the moment?   i live in the past. how many more minutes until you will next eat?   i should've eaten an hour ago.  but i'm too upset to be hungry. what do/did you normally get detentions for?   i only ever got detention for too many tardies. what do you currently hear?   "i don't love you" by my chemical romance, my typing, my sniffling, and my heart pounding in my head. do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids?   i won't have kids anyway.  i don't even know why i'm spending my time doing this survey.  i'm procrastinating on looking for any sleeping pills in the house.  i'm done. do you like the band a skylit drive?   i like their cover of "love the way you lie" who’s someone you want to see right now?   jason.  he could stop this.  i know he could. have you ever been stung by anything?   no, i haven't. have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren’t supposed to?   no, i fucking hate people who do that. are you paranoid?   only always. (next week) are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments?   nope. would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? which one seems best?   hmmm.  teleport, i guess. do you like soda pop? if so, which is your favorite and least favorite?   i sadly do.  i loooove mountain dew, and i really hate pepsi. does it annoy you when surveys ask questions about controversial topics, or do you like arguing your point?   i like controversial questions, honestly.  i like making a point. are there any specific piercings you would never, ever get done?   the only piercing i would never get, even for a ludicrous amount of money, is around my private area.  nope. assuming you had sufficient funds, would you be capable of living alone, paying bills and looking after yourself properly?   honestly, no.  probably not. do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby?   meeee! were either of your parents baptized?   idk the last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit?   ha ha omg, a mosh pit at an alice cooper concert in north carolina... that'd be a sight to see. does your bathroom have a theme to it?   nope. when you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken?   burgers, almost always. are you self-conscious of your smile?   yes, because my eyes squint. what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?   writing.  sometimes drawing. what color do you really want to dye your hair?   GRAY.  mom won't let me. :( sunrise or sunset?   sunset is prettier, imo. what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?   i love some of the petnames colleen calls me, honestly.  it's just sweet. what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.   socks suck.  period.  i avoid them at all costs. have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?   how flexible you think i am, fam? do you play the wii?   very rarely. be honest, did fifty shades of grey arouse you in any way?   i didn't read/watch it, and i have no plans to. do have faith in yourself?   lmao did you parents know what gender you were before you were born?   i'm not sure, actually.  i do know, however, everyone first thought i was a boy; i always had my legs crossed in the ultrasound.  mom, however, "knew" i was a girl. does your mother still take care of you if you get ill?   not really.  like i guess if i called her to get me some ginger ale or something, she'd do it, but i kinda just take care of myself. is there a certain topic that you struggle to talk about, because it makes you feel uncomfortable?   not really. if you’re not in college, why?   because i mentally cannot handle the stress it causes. do you try to avoid burping in public, or are you open about it?  after all, it is a normal bodily function.   i'm very discreet about it normally, just because of social standards.  around family and very close friends, i don't give a shit. do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]?   i like the fruity flavors. what do you think is the dumbest / tackiest piercing?   i don't really know. have you ever requested a song on the radio?   no. would you ever dye your hair black?   i have before and i loved it. when did you last see the person you love/like? when will you next see them?   i saw him yesterday... and i probably never will again... is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind atm? do you think that person will be thinking about you too?   he always is, and i can absolutely guarantee he's not thinking about me. do you know the star sign of the last person you kissed?   he's an aquarius, like me. what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it?   got sexual on my parents' bed, i guess. who was the last person of the opposite sex to make you smile? are you attracted to that person?   jason, and yeah... do you currently have any medicine in your bag / purse / etc? if so, what kind?   no, i'm not allowed to.  i overdosed the other day. what do you like on your pasta / noodles? sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.?   sauce, always. are you weary of displaying signs of affection for your significant other around adults? why or why not?   no, because love should be very openly celebrated. do you think teenagers can be in love?   absolutely.  i was and still am now from the same relationship as an adult. how fast does your mood change?   0-100 real quick, boo. at this moment in time if you HAD to have someone’s name tattooed on you who’s would it be?   uhhh... literally no one's.  i just wouldn't.  well uh, i guess if it was life or death, uhhh... probably jason's, honestly??  but realistically, i never would get anyone's?? what’s your all-time favorite COMEDY movie?   hm.  maybe "white chicks" or "rush hour 2" how old is your most recent ex?   he's 23. how many keys are on your key chain?   two how does your hair look right now?   it's all big and suuuuper curly!!!  chelsea did it. :D does your house have a white picket fence?   nope. do you wear bracelets?   no, never. when was the last time you had sex?   never. #regret do you have a wild side?   only j's seen it, honestly... heh. what is your favorite thing about going to your grandma’s house?   literally.  nothing. who did you last have an alcoholic drink with?   chelsea.  good day. where do you plan on living within the next few years?   probably the same 'ole north carolina. do you have an addiction?   debatably the internet, but i honestly consider it more of a dependence. if you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?   2016, absolutely. do you believe you should change who you are for the person you love?   to a degree, sure. when you’re home alone, do you still keep the door closed when you shower?   the bathroom door is open, my room door is closed. do you currently have a hickey?   i wish ha ha. now your cell phone, what color is it?   black. how many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed?   plenty of times. what color is your hair?   ruby red, with redder highlights and brown roots coming in. your parents are divorced/married/separated?   divorced have you ever let someone be your everything?   and i'm a broken person because of it. do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like?   no.  he made it clear i deserve to suffer for giving up. have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?   ahhh, yes. (: have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed?   no. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?   inside.  feel safer/cozier. have you ever had sex or something like it?   something like it, sure, but not actual sex. have you ever worn fishnets?   i don't think so... but maybe for dance? do you always wear your seat belt?   yep. have you ever liked someone much older than you?   not seriously. are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family?   oh god.  heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, asthma, cancer, depression, bipolarity, more shit i'm forgetting... do you have asthma?   no. are tongue piercings slutty?   ... no? last person to take off your pants, besides you?   jason. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?   yep. what’s your second favorite color?   pink, probably. how many times have you been so drunk you didn’t remember the night before?   never. what sexual kinks do you personally enjoy, if any?   i actually had to look up some kinks bc idk if some things are considered kinks or not?  evidently even something as common as spanking is, and i'm into that very mildly.  anr (i think that's be abbreviation, probably wrong...) is something that's like guaranteed to turn me on.  i also like feeling/acting sexually submissive in general, but i deeefinitely wouldn't consider it to the point of the dom/sub kink. ever faked an orgasm?   no. own some type of work out machine?   not anymore. ever wanted to be a vet?   i did as a child, yes. ever flashed someone you liked?   i maybe have to jason, while alone with him, but even then i'm not certain i ever have. ever had a job? if so, what and for how long?   first job i had for a month or two.  second, like, four days. do you have a favorite sexual position, even if you’re a virgin?   missionary is all i've ever tried and i'm fine with that. ever done oral? with how many people?   yes, one. what condom brand do you use?   i don't use them because i don't have sex.  on the one occasion jason bought condoms just to be safe in case we chose to, i'm not sure what brand he got... do you use flavored/scented/glow-in-the-dark/neon/ribbed condoms?   again, i don't use them, but also once more, on the one occasion jason bought some, they were just normal. what about facebook - do your grandparents use facebook?   my maternal grandmother does. do you have any text messages from your ex, or have you deleted them all?   no.  the phone i've had i got after the breakup, so. tell me 3 facts about the first person you had a relationship with.   i've "dated" three people, but i've definitely only had a romantic relationship with one, so i'm using him in this question.  he loves games of all kinds, he's a huge joker (particularly heath ledger's) fan, and he's studying computer engineering/he's in his last semester. think about your last ex. do you still find him/her attractive?   he's very handsome, yes. do you regret kissing the last person you kissed?   i never will. have you ever wanted to be a teacher?   nope. if someone were to ask you out right now, would you say yes?   the only person i'd say yes to would be jason. what was the last thing you took medication for?   my tremors. if someone offered you sex right now, how would you respond?   again, i'd only yes to jason. do you think you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?   i don't think i found the person, i know i did.  yet i can't. be honest, what do you want more than anything at this moment in time?   i just want to cuddle with jason. have you had any conversations recently that made you feel uncomfortable or upset?   i talked to jason, face-to-face, two days ago to assist me in gaining closure.  very long story short, i was quiiite upset after he left. what’s the farthest away from home you have ever been?   michigan the last person you had a thing with calls wanting to hang out. what do you do?   say "of course!" in probably the most excited voice ever. what is your favorite shade of blue?   hmm.  navy, i assume. what ozzy lyric describes you best?   a suRVEY QUESTION REGARDING MY FAVORITE ARTIST???  HELL YEAH!!  anyway, i've felt a resonance with "you don't have to leave the lights on; i'm so used to being blind" from "tomorrow" for many years. what was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most?   giving up on just that: life. what is love really about?   it's science, but also something inexplicable.  it's the perfect combination of your brain's "happy hormones," and only that one person can achieve that certain mixture.  granted, there are different kinds of love, and each one is unique. what metallica lyric most describes your life?   wHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, ANOTHER QUESTION W/ ANOTHER FAVORITE ARTIST???  I WANNA MARRY THE SURVEY MAKER PLS.  um anyway let's see, i could really list a few.  first, i wanna say i feel a VERY strong connection to "the unforgiven ii" as a whole; all the lyrics mean very much to me.  but if you want a particular lyric, these couple mean the world: "how can i be lost, if i've got nowhere to go? / and how can i blame you, when it's me i can't forgive?" from "the unforgiven iii"  omgggg i could keep going on ;-; ever been to ozzfest?   girl, I WISH. what's the most illegal thing you've done?   just downloading music.  wait actually, probably downloading an expensive program illegally. ever have a tornado in your town?   i don't think so. what percentile of your class were you in?   idk about numbers, but the very top.  i got an award for it.  idk what ever happened... can you name every place you've ever had sex?   i've never had sex, but i've gotten sexual on my bed, his bed, the floor, the couch, the chaise... what forms of birth control have you used?   abstinence is... pretty flawless. handcuffs or rope :D?   errr, i'm guessing you're addressing being tied up sexually?  i'm... kinda into the idea of being handcuffed to something, maybe. *shrugs* ever grown any plants before? what were they?   habaneros, zinnias, sunflowers... how many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide?   three.  i was going to slit my throat on two occasions, and on the last, i overdosed. what is your favorite cover song?   "hurt" by johnny cash.  "another brick in the wall" by korn is a close second. ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months?   nope. strangest medical procedure ever performed on you?   idk, i guess just getting tubes put in my ears. if you ever got a tattoo, where would you get it?   i already have three and want loads more like... everywhere.  most specifically though, i think sternum tattoos are drop-dead gorgeous. could you ever go vegetarian?   no.  i enjoy meat too much. how do you fall asleep? [i.e, listening to music, reading, daydreaming…]   just thinking... have you ever been chased by bees?   omg no. what is your opinion on homosexuality?   it's a mutation, but that does not make it wrong. what is your biggest fear in life?   being alone in life.  not being able to function properly in the "real world" is a close second. when was the last time you kissed someone?   2015 are you sick quite often or hardly at all?   hardly at all.  proud of that 'ole immune system. has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   apparently. do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more?   chocolate, definitely. does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much?   no, but i actually have noticed something: it began to bother me ever so slightly more after jason passed out from me getting my blood taken that one time.  i think it's because of how i look up to and see him in general, seeing him react to something like that, a part of my brain wants to believe "omg that has to be dangerous then."  but in general, i don't really have issue with getting my blood drawn. who would you say is your best friend at the moment?   colleen.  always. how long have you two been best friends?   over two years. do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   it's not something i dwell on, but i know i'm not. have you ever tried opening your eyes under water?   i have, and i'm bad at it. have you ever been admitted to the hospital?   only six times. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies, i think. how old is your pet?   teddy is ten, cali isss... three, i think, bentley's not even a year, and lexi is around two, probs. do you listen to artists who consist more of guys, girls, or both?   i seem to prefer male artists. what’s your first tattoo?   a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. what song do you listen to when you’re sad?   "perfectly flawed" by otep is common.  hence my tattoo. <3 is there a person in your life that can always make you smile?   not anymore. are you scared about the end of the world?   not really, because i don't think i'll be around to see it. will you ever get a tattoo?   i have three and want more.  my next tattoo will be an adaptation of "denialism" by deviantart's tatchit.  look it up, it is honestly a phenomenal work of art. when you get yelled at, do you yell back or let it go?   well first, i get triggered.  yelling triggers memories of my parents fighting so much.  odds are, i'll yell back, but it really depends. do you share a computer with your siblings?   nooo. do you have mood swings?   badly. do you have any bruises on you?   yes, from getting my blood drawn so much recently.  the iv left a good one. have you had sex today?   girl, i wish. has the last person you kissed ever made you cry?   plenty of times. be honest with yourself, are you proud of your actions?   some yes, some no.  it just.  varies.  for the most part, i guess so, like i can't deny i'm a fighter, but i just feel weak sometimes. if you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?   honestly, i would get a tiny heart on the side of my face if it wasn't for societal standards and the strong odds of unemployment for having a tat on my face. what is something you find romantic?   flowers, picnics, walks in the park, oh man, i could go on for HOURS.  you can make SO many things romantic. what makes you attracted to the person you like right now?   his personality. what, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?   rape is #1 for me.  just don't. would you rather live in a castle or a spaceship?   castle, hell yeah!! has someone ever made you a build-a-bear?   OMG NO I WOULD DIE THAT'D BE PRECIOUS what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. what is your definition of “having sex”?   penal-vaginal penetration. who was the last person you were “in a relationship with” on facebook (including anyone you may have put “in a relationship with” for a joke)?   jason. do you think a relationship with a 16-year-old girl and a 35-year-old man would work out? do you think age differences like that (when they’re under 18) should be legal?   they should absolutely not be legal.  just... no.  i don't support big age gaps like that. what do you think of open relationships? if your partner suggested it, what would you say?   HA.  no.  and if he suggested it, i'd leave his ass. would you ever date out of your race?   mhmm. have you ever had a reptile for a pet?   i've had one lizard, two snakes. what kinds of alcohol do you like?   only ever tried mike's hard lemonade and smirnoff, and both are fine. did you have a swing set when you were a kid?   yup. state you most want to visit?   utah.  fucking gorgeous. were you popular in high school?   definitely not. would you rather be blind or deaf?   blind, definitely.  i once asked jason this and he said blind, too, "because i have to be able to hear your voice." ;;;-;;; where do you want to live when you are old?   in the mountains, in the woods, in the chilly weather, pls. have you ever been in love?   absolutely.  with reckless abandon. have you ever caught a fish?   many many times. what was your most recent ex’s middle name?   alex. do you put anything weird on your scrambled eggs? (like syrup)   just hot sauce. what is your states minimum wage?   $7.25, save us.

[ladylazuli97]

You know I’ll respect all fandoms you know the Catradora’s and all that but come on dude that relationship is soooo toxic and it’s not just cause I’m a glimmadora Stan how can you tell me the you want to have Catra and adora to be endgame if all Catra does is play with adoras feelings Idk I’m just rambling I guess maybe venting…anyways...Glimmadora it’s the healthiest endgame PERIOD ps: I’m so excited for the next chapter of inlove again love you 🧡💖

Okay, I agree with you and everything but... how dare you say that I want catradora to be an endgame?! It's literally the only thing I don't want to happen!!! 😂😂😂 I feel insulted 😢 Nah, jk dude 😆

Now, I guess you say it because of what's going on in the fanfic. First of all, notice that I didn't use the catradora tag because although there are moments between them, clearly I would never write an endgame catradora lol so I didn't want to excite their stans.

Okay, here we go... Adora and Glimmer have a lot of trouble with each other because they're not talking (communication is important, kids), I even went too far in Glimmer hurting Adora right now. And on the other hand, Catra is there to listen to Adora and makes her feel good. BUT, that's all right now. Idk when you have problems with your partner suddenly other people appear and are super kind to you, so much so that you don't think about the bad things they did to you before. They just want to make you believe "oh yeah I'm here for you, not like your little gf"

So, Adora can stay with Catra, who is taking advantage of the situation, pretend that nothing bad happened between them before and start a relationship where little by little a lot of problems would appear because c'mon... well, you know.

Or she can talk to Glimmer, listen to her, be honest with her feelings. Say "okay, we have this problem, how are we going to solve it?". Realizing that now things between them are not going well, but that she won't give up on her for it.

I think it's something that happens in real life. You have silly problems with your partner and suddenly your evil ex someone appears and is like "I would never do that to you!" and it makes you feel good... But you're not going to leave your partner for the first problem you have! You sit down to talk about it, you say how you feel, you recognize your mistakes and you solve it, although of course, it's not always as fast as it seems. And it's during this moment when Catra the other person tries to get closer and as they says the things you want to hear, you don't stop to think about whether they hurt you before in a worse way. It seems to be the right choice to choose to be with that person but it's not! And the people around you will think that you are going to break up with your current partner to be with that other person, but it's not! And that's why you think I want a catradora endgame, but it's not! 😂

Thanks for inspiring me to write all this haha I like to analyze my own fics 😅 Oh, and that never happened to me, but leaving that aside I put a lot of personal stuff in this fanfic lol

Love you 💙 stay safe :3