#AND MY FANCY LEI. girl i miss you so bad!!!!

[davejadedaily]

74

[watchathon]

Stitch Day Special: Lilo & Stitch

In case you’re finding this post just by browsing the tags I’ve used for this post, this is the Watch-a-Thon, a blog where I’m hoping to watch an episode of a show every one-to-two days, with a short blog post where I give my thoughts on what I’ve just seen. Each new point starts with a hyphen and a bolded first word.

- Like so. 

But today? Well, today I’ve got an extra-special post in the wings about a movie, one of my favorite Disney movies, starring my absolute favorite Disney character: Lilo & Stitch!

- I like the variation on the Disney logo. That is the kind of stuff that they just couldn’t do with their new big fancy CGI logo. 

- No clue why Jumba tried to deny that he created an experiment. I don’t much mind since it led to a funny joke, but c’mon, evil genius, you should be smart enough to plead guilty.

- “I would never, ever... make more than one.” *glances meaningfully in the direction of the series*

- “What is that monstrosity...?” He’s a cute widdle fluffball, that’s what he is!

- “Meega nala kweesta!” Canonically, this translates to “I want to destroy”, but that seems a little lukewarm for the reaction he got. Maybe a looser translation is in order...

There could be an entire aristocrats joke in those three words. The whole script to Batman v Superman. The opening notes to “Never Gonna Give You Up”...

Or maybe just “bitch”.

- Blood work is a lot different in space...

- Weird to imagine given the rest of the franchise, but Gantu was once a respected captain of the galactic federation.

- It’s easy to perceive Stitch as a dumb brute, but he’s pretty smart. He connected the dots all on his own, within minutes of his imprisonment, that if the guns are locked onto his DNA, he can use his saliva to trick them. Jumba wasn’t kidding when he boasted of his experiment’s intelligence.

- And not only was Gantu a captain, Pleakley was an expert on the planet Earth. Weird, innit...?

- “Are [humans] intelligent?” “No.” An exchange that only hurts more with every year.

- Love the implication that Pleakley was just suggesting several different relatives to assist with the capture of Stitch from when they were on the deck up until they got to the prison where Jumba was held.

- Now this is what we (or rather TVTropes) call an establishing character moment. A fish floats by holding a sandwich in its mouth, implying (soon confirming) that Lilo was the one to give it the sandwich, before rushing to the hula practice that she was late for, stopping to take a picture of a tourist along the way.

- And then after she arrives at hula practice, she explains that she had to give Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich because he controls the weather.

- No clue why the other girls are disgusted by Scrump. I always wanted a Scrump when I was a little lass.

- “Did you ever kill anyone?” Lilo asks the right questions.

- Nani, y’could’ve avoided this if you’d given a thumbs up instead...

- I don’t get the glare Cobra gives Nani after Lilo says that her friends need to be punished. Voodoo isn’t a failure of parenting. In many cases, at least...

- Licking Nani, growling after her capture, Lilo already has a lot in common with Stitch.

- Lucky that Lilo is such a quirky kid. The scene (semi-)explaining why she takes pictures of tourists was deleted, but it doesn’t feel like anything is missing because she already has a few habits that just plain inexplicable, like feeding Pudge, practicing voodoo with a pickle jar...

- Lilo wishing for an angel because of how lonely she is, that’s a sad moment. But also kinda funny in hindsight after she sarcastically names Stitch’s love interest Angel in the series.

- Lord give me the undisturbed...ness, of that frog who watched Stitch get run over by several trucks and only tilted its head.

- If they thought Stitch was dead, why did they keep it in the shelter? I mean, Lilo would probably adopt a dead dog, but she’s the outlier.

- I like how Jumba programmed, as part of Stitch’s destructive tendencies, an urge to steal everybody’s left shoe.

- You can just about pinpoint the moment where Stitch’s heart drops at learning that he’s on an island with no major cities.

- Just occurred to me that the badness level is red, and Stitch’s evil counterparts in the series (627 and Leroy) are both red.

- Ah, David. One of the best Disney love interests, mostly because he isn’t entirely a love interest. There is a mutual attraction, but Nani just isn’t ready for that with everything going on in her life, and David respects that and is happy to be a friend.

- I like how everyone except Lilo heavily suspects that Stitch isn’t a dog. 

- Ohhh, the thought of Stitch having drank coffee. I mean, I’d love to see it, but it’d be Hell for Nani.

- Stitch looks just plain adorable with a lei.

- Well, Lilo, you did tell Stitch he should create something. And he did, he just destroyed his creation afterward.

- Pleakley is a gender-nonconforming icon.

- The first time we see Stitch doing something without even the intention of destroying anything is when he finds the book about the Ugly Duckling. It’s clear that he’s fascinated just by looking at it. And when Lilo explains the story? It resonates with him. Or, well, perhaps he wants it to resonate with him.

- I wish I had an evil koala dog that played records.

- Are we sure that “Meega nala kweesta” means “I want to destroy”? Maybe it means “I was born to dance”, ‘cause Stitch learns about dancing and in less than a minute he’s already an expert.

- I imagine this montage, or slightly earlier, would be when that deleted scene of Lilo trolling the obnoxious racist tourists originally came into play. And I like this scene, but, I do wish that scene hadn’t gotten cut. And I wish that they fully animated it and inserted it into the movie like Warner Bros did with The Iron Giant.

- Nothing cheers me up more than this scene of Stitch and his newfound family going surfing. And especially since Stitch is aquaphobic. He’s very much aware that he cannot swim, and likely wouldn’t survive if he fell off the board into the ocean. But even he eventually gets into the spirit of it, asks Lilo himself to go surfing, and enjoys a nice bonding moment with his family. And David.

- Of course Jumba and Pleakley had to ruin a perfectly sweet moment.

- And so we transition from a heartwarming wholesome moment, to a heartbreaking tearful moment. You can just see Nani holding back tears as she says that she needs to take Lilo home. 

As for Stitch, David probably didn’t even realize that Stitch could understand him when he said that Lilo and Nani had a chance until Stitch came along. But Stitch did understand, and he’s visibly hurt by the idea. He always wanted to destroy, but in this moment, he’s ashamed of how he might have destroyed Lilo’s family.

- And the Ugly Ducking metaphor comes back, when in this moment, as Stitch is coming back to a family that he fears he may have ruined, he sees a lone duck... before that duck is followed by a big family of ducklings.

- Lilo says that Stitch cries at night. So, it would seem that even before he completely learned how to be nice, Stitch wasn’t entirely emotionless.

- This whole act of the film is heart-wrenching. First Nani gets confirmation that she and Lilo will be separated, then Stitch starts to fear that he may have caused it. Then because of that? Stitch leaves, taking only the Ugly Duckling book with him. And he can only see in himself the page of the Duckling, lost and crying.

- Then Jumba tells Stitch, who’s already in a bad place emotionally, that he was made to destroy, has no family, and could never have one.

- I don’t want to think about what happened to that chainsaw.

- There’s a certain feeling that comes up in the middle of this fight scene, where you realize that a house is being destroyed, a house belonging to a family that was very much at risk of separation. And you realize that this will only hurt their case beyond any repair.

- If the past day hadn’t been bad enough, Stitch is told by his best friend Lilo that he ruined everything, and to get away.

- And so Nani really does have her sister taken away. Now, taken away by aliens is a lot different than taken away by social services. It’s worse. This way Nani knows that Lilo definitely won’t get a loving family, and Nani will definitely never see her again.

- The confusion is visible on Jumba and Pleakley when Stitch goes and comforts Nani with a quote about family. All they know about Stitch is that he was made to destroy. And then, once he’s captured, he does just about the opposite.

- “Ih.” To this day I sometimes say Ih on reflex when asked a yes-or-no question. Guess I watched this movie way too many times as a kid, huh? ...I regret nothing.

- Originally, the big red plane-looking thing was supposed to just be a plane, and it would’ve flown through a city. And it was changed because it was too soon after 9/11. But me personally, I think the big red thing is real cool, and I like it flying through the valleys.

- “Stitch is unconscious.” I like that Jumba calls Stitch by his name here. In the series, he always calls Stitch “626″ but his name is Stitch. And I like the rare occasion when that’s respected by the mad genius who created him.

- I want to believe that Stitch dodged that laser for the sake of the frog he was holding more than for his own sake. Stitch is strong enough that a few moments later, he survives an explosion of a whole truck that he’s lying on top of.

- Stitch proudly calling himself “cute and fluffy” is another thing I just love. Might be reading too much into it, but I like that he can call himself by those descriptors and still have total confidence in his ability to kick Gantu’s patookie.

- My favorite scene in the movie, and the scene I took the picture from.

Stitch corrects the Grand Councilwoman about his name. And when he’s told that he needs to go in the ship (the implication being that he’ll be punished like he was meant to be at the beginning), he doesn’t rebel or try to escape. He only politely asks that he be allowed to say goodbye.

He explains that his family is “little and broken, but still good”, both explaining it to the councilwoman and reassuring Lilo and Nani.

This is the ultimate display of how Stitch has grown. And he grew because, despite what Jumba said, Stitch could find, and did find, the one true place he belonged: With a good, loving family.

- The Grand Councilwoman is clearly remorseful that they’ll have to separate Stitch from his family, but she can’t bend the law for this one case. And she doesn’t, but it just so happens that, legally speaking, Lilo owns Stitch. And, well, what self-respecting Grand Councilwoman would steal a child’s property?

- A lot of people (including middle-school me) say that the stuff with Stitch and the aliens get in the way of the story of Lilo and Nani. I disagree. These two stories are intertwined, both about people wanting to stay with the family where they know they belong. I just couldn’t, at all, imagine one without the other.

- Now this is the kind of ending I love. It’s become common for animated movies, sequels in particular, to end on the two main characters getting separated. But here? Stitch is now a definitive part of the family, and won’t be separated from them anytime soon. Anime? What anime?

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I guess I’ll be doing this on the rare occasion I cover movies...?

Anyway, this is a great movie. A modern classic. And one of very few things that doesn’t just hold up from when I was a kid, it gets better. When I was a tiny kid, I was only interested in the space aliens. When I was in my early teens, I thought the aliens were kiddy stuff. 

But nowadays, I can truly appreciate it. I can appreciate how both aspects are vital to the movie. Lilo and Stitch are both equally important. You can’t have one without the other.

And most of all, I can appreciate the story of Stitch (as well as Jumba and Pleakley) finding a family, and Lilo (as well as Nani) saving theirs from being torn apart.

Lilo & Stitch brings me to tears of both joy and sadness every time I watch it. And I guarantee I’ll be watching it many more times in the future.

...Does it still count as a Stitch Day special if I’m posting after midnight? No, probably not. I thought I’d only take two hours, then I took four and a half. Guess that means I had more thoughts than I thought I did!

[ceruleanharley]

anyways, for all of you preparing for cdth here’s a recap of the dream thieves written by maggie herself for recaptains.co.uk

also just read it cuz it’s hilarious as hell (also also she recapped first 3 books)

in short

The Dream Thieves is the second book in the four-book Raven Cycle. The sequel follows four private school boys (Gansey, Adam, Ronan, and Noah), three professional psychics (Calla, Maura, and Persephone), two cars (an elderly but powerful Camaro named the Pig and a brutish but nuanced Mitsubishi named the Mitsubishi), and one clever and judgmental girl who is shorter than the author (Blue). Gansey still searches the mountains of Virginia for the legendary Welsh king Glendower, a quest made more plausible by the group’s discovery of a creepy, gorgeous, sentient, magical, adjective, adjective forest called Cabeswater. In The Dream Thieves, however, all of this takes a back seat to Ronan’s confession on the last page of The Raven Boys: he can take things out of his dreams. Things you should remember: The book takes place in Henrietta, VA, a town crossed by a ley line — an invisible energy path. Noah is dead: he creepily reenacts his own death without noticing. Blue is cursed: if she kisses her true love, he’ll die. Gansey is deathly allergic to bees. Also remember: Ronan’s father Niall was murdered mysteriously before book 1 began, and his mother Aurora became catatonic directly afterward. She remains motionless as the Barns, the Lynch family home, though none of her sons can see her: Niall’s will forbids the brothers from returning home. Oh, also remember: In the last book, Adam Parrish made a hasty bargain with the creepy, gorgeous, sentient, magical, adjective, adjective forest. He promised to be its hands and its eyes. No, nobody else knows what the hell that means either. WTH, Adam. Cue some light summer driving music. Let’s do this thing.

what happened in The Dream Thieves

Ronan has three secrets. 1. His scoundrel father could take things out of his dreams. 3. Ronan can also take things out of his dreams. #2? There was no 2. What? It’s probably nothing. It’s just the wind.

Ronan demonstrates his secret for the boys and Blue. Blue, by the way, is 100% not in love with Gansey. She hasn’t been staring at him for a page and a half. He does not have a great mouth. It’s just the wind.

Here is a thing that’s not the wind: The Gray Man, the hitman who killed Niall Lynch, has come to town looking for something called the Greywaren. He kicks the stuffing out of Ronan’s older brother Declan and questions him. Although 90% of Raven Cycle readers and characters dislike Declan, the author would like to point out that Declan handles the interrogation with due dignity.

Gansey’s mother quietly runs for Congress in the background.

As the boys and Blue riding back from exploring in the Camaro, a Mitsubishi pulls up alongside. Inside is Kavinsky, an Aglionby student named after the French house artist of the same name (who is not fond of the tender homage, the author sadly notes). His eyeballs say LET’S RACE. My, thinks Ronan to himself with a curled lip, that boy is certainly one hundred percent not attractive. “My,” Gansey says out loud with a curled lip, “that boy is one hundred percent not attractive.” “Asshole,” notes Blue. Adam adds, “There is no point racing with him as we’re carrying four living passengers which results in a loss of 7.5 horsepower for each of us using even the most forgiving of weight gain to power loss formulas.” Ronan concludes that his friends suck and are no fun.

The Gray Man likes Henrietta. He decides he could really spend some quality time here, if it weren’t for his employer, Colin Greenmantle, the man who really wants the Greywaren: an object rumored to allow one to pull things from dreams.

Back at Monmouth Manufacturing, the gutted hipster warehouse palace the boys live in, Ronan tries to describe to Gansey how his dream-to-reality process works. He makes a small gay joke, which is funny because he is definitely not interested in boys, and then he shows Gansey what he has just pulled from his dream: a wooden puzzle box that translates phrases from old languages.

The next day, Blue waitresses at Nino’s as the boys discuss the puzzle box and Gansey’s dead Welsh royal boyfriend Glendower. Kavinsky appears and gives a pile of leather bracelets identical to the ones Ronan already wears. He also makes a “your mama” joke because what else do you get for the man who has everything?

The Gray Man explores Henrietta using fancy energy devices. The Greywaren supposedly gives off energy when used, but so does this ley line thing. The Gray Man’s brother calls as he works, but he doesn’t pick up. He finds a twisted, black rose plant somehow affected by the strange energy lines in Henrietta. Cool, thinks the Gray Man. Too bad my brother is such an off-screen creeper.

Adam discovers Aglionby tuition is going up. Bad news: he is still poor.

Adam discovers he’d like to kiss Blue. Bad news: she doesn’t want him to.

Cue: fight. Cue: cold shower. Cue: landlady informing Adam that, strangely enough, his rent has been reduced the exact same amount the tuition raise. This sounds suspicious like charity to Adam. Who could be pointing their charity gun at him? GANSEY!!?? A box gets kicked in this chapter.

While Ronan, Gansey, and Noah are hanging around the Dollar City — because that’s what cool rich kids with lots of expendable income do — Adam calls. He’s seen a ghost. Mon dieu, says Gansey. Ghosts? In this series? As Gansey talks on the phone, Ronan notes that he is a fine-looking rich boy and that this pisses him off. The idea of home also pisses him off. This whole pissing chapter pisses him off. A snow globe full of glitter gets dropped in this chapter.

Later, Gansey carefully asks Adam if he would like to go to his mother’s Congressional party in D.C. “Nothing bad will happen there,” he promises. “It will not be a plot point or anything.” In the background, Ronan throws Noah out of the window.

Ronan takes some time to dream an exact copy of Kavinsky’s white sunglasses.

At Sunday Mass, Declan tells Ronan to keep his head down and not hang out with Kavinsky. I know, we don’t know why he bothers. Ronan leaves and promptly finds Kavinsky. Ronan tosses the copied sunglasses into the Mitsubishi. Then they race, as one does after Mass.

The Gray Man stops by 300 Fox Way for research. He can’t help but notice that Maura, Blue’s mother, is a little foxy. She can’t help but notice that he is a little foxy too. He tells them he’s a hit man, then quotes a little Anglo-Saxon poetry to break up the heavy mood. Calla makes him a drink.

While the ladies of 300 Fox Way are occupied stealing the Gray Man’s wallet, the boys and Blue travel to Cabeswater to search for Glendower. The group discovers that the creepy, gorgeous, sentient, magical, adjective, adjective forest is missing.

GASP WHAT

The Camaro breaks down.

SPOILER: It’s the alternator.

HOW DOES A WHOLE FOREST GO MISSING WHAT WHAT

That night, Ronan has a nightmare about a mask that fuses to Adam’s face. Noah wakes him just as he is ripping it — and Adam’s skin — off. But it’s too late. Ronan has also manifested one of his night terrors, which are clawed, beaked, greasy birdmen who want Ronan dead.

Gansey and Ronan kill one of the night horrors, but one of them gets away. There is a gross sentence with a box cutter in this chapter.

The boys and Blue violate Niall Lynch’s will to bury the bird man at the Barns. They discover the Barns is full of sleeping animals — every living thing Niall Lynch ever dreamed into being has fallen asleep upon his death. Including Ronan’s mom, Aurora.

WHAT SHE’S A DREAM CREATURE WHAT NIALL DREAMED HIMSELF A WOMAN WHAT FEMINISM GOES BONK

A wall gets punched in this chapter. Also Ronan snuggles a baby mouse.

In light of Ronan being the product of a dream-mama, they convince him to talk it out with Calla. She says dream objects have no soul of their own, so therefore, when the dreamer dies, the object falls into stasis, unless the object is put back into a dream. “Hey,” says Ronan. “You know what’s dreamy? The creepy, gorgeous, sentient, magical, adjective, adjective forest.”

THAT’S MISSING, REMEMBER?.

The boys and Blue explore a lake on the leyline and find an old shield boss and an ancient Camaro wheel. No, actually ancient. 500 years old. That’s what we call a “classic.”

The Gray Man picks through the boys’ hipster factory palace while they’re out. As he is carefully and respectfully prying through their private things, two random thugs break in and begin actually tossing the place. The Gray Man is so offended! This is not the respectful way to break into someone’s home. So he kills them. He also calls Maura to flirt with her.

Kavinsky also stops by Monmouth Manufacturing to drop off dozens of forged drivers licenses, all with Ronan’s face.

Assuming Kavinsky trashed Monmouth, Gansey and Ronan track down Kavinsky at one of his “substance parties.” They don’t get a lot of information, but Gansey imperiously and nobly throws a Molotov cocktail into a Volvo and Ronan lights the Mitsubishi on fire while Kavinsky stands really close to him. It probably doesn’t sound hot in this summary, but I swear to you, it’s pretty sweaty, especially if you’re the sort that goes for cars, fire, and felonies.

Maura and the Gray Man go on a date. The Gray Man talks about hiding from his sociopathic brother who tormented him as a child. He also talks Anglo-Saxon poetry, because he knows what the ladies like. Then they kiss, which, finally. Someone should get kissed in this series.

Ronan has a dream that’s sweatier than the substance party chapter, especially if you’re the sort who goes for tattoos or Catholics or French house artists. This is chapter 30, also known as METAPHOR CITY

Gansey’s sister Helen flies Adam and Gansey to D.C. in her helicopter. The boys call the old professor Malory for ideas about Cabeswater’s disappearance. Malory speculates that something might be robbing the ley line of energy. Then they talk a little bit about fancy show pigeons. You know, I wrote this book, and that sounds crazy even to me.

Back at Monmouth, Blue and Noah kiss in a recreational way, since she doesn’t have to worry about killing HIM.

Ronan realizes his father has left some kind of clue at the bottom of his will: a sentence in a mysterious language that Ronan translates with the puzzle box.

In D.C., Adam mingles at the Gansey Congressional party. He is feeling pretty crazy; he’s been hearing voices & seeing ghosts. He also hates people, it turns out, especially people with champagne. Then the power goes out; everyone hears a voice singing “The Raven King, make way for the Raven King” in Latin. This is not how these things normally go.

Back in Henrietta, Ronan uses a set of dreamed up keys to steal the Camaro and drag race with Kavinsky, who mysteriously has another Mitsubishi. As they race, a night horror lands on the Camaro and he wrecks it. Kavinsky returns to shoot the night horror and collect Ronan in his car.

Kavinsky reveals that he, too, is a dream thief. He shows Ronan a field of 100 nearly identical white Mitsubishis, which is how you can tell Maggie Stiefvater wrote this book.

Gansey and Adam fight. Gansey calls Blue for some solace. It’s sort of touching.

The next morning, Gansey discovers Adam has gone missing. After the entire Gansey family searches the neighborhood, Adam finally calls. He forgot himself and walked miles down the interstate.

Why would Adam do such a thing as forget his own body? Oh right, because he made a bargain with a creepy, gorgeous, sentient, magical, adjective, adjective forest.

Kavinsky teaches Ronan how to drink, get high, and get things from dreams. Ronan learns how to steal big things from his dream and also that this savage dreaming is what is draining the ley line … and making the creepy, gorgeous, sentient, magical, adjective, adjective forest disappear.

Ronan dreams a new copy of Gansey’s Camaro — perfectly battered and terrible, just the way he likes it, not like that’s a metaphor or anything — and then abandons Kavinsky rather rudely.

The Gray Man, meanwhile, has figured out that the Greywaren is Ronan. He glumly informs Maura, who of course already knows. The Gray Man doesn’t want to kidnap Ronan, but Greenmantle tells him that if he doesn’t return with the Greywaren, he will tell SociopathicBrother where the Gray Man is.

Calla does some psychic analysis on the shield boss and Camaro wheel from the lake. She tells Blue: “they were dragging him at this point … they meant to bury this with him, but it was too heavy. They left it behind.” Then, about the wheel: “He’s not alone when he leaves the car behind.” She also mutters about how some people use time over and over.

Back in Henrietta, Adam demands to know why Blue won’t kiss him. She tells him about her curse. And she tells him that he’s not going to be her true love anyway, so. SANITY GOES BONK

Adam, off his gourd both magically and mentally, allows Persephone to conduct a ritual to connect him more securely to Cabeswater while allowing his mind to remain his own. Persephone, being a creepy creature herself, warns him that the others won’t understand his change. Is she really qualified for psychiatric advice? We’ll probably find out in book 3.

Gansey and Blue go on a drive to feel repressed and not discuss how they feel about Adam’s strangeness or each other, so of course they end up discussing both of these things. They pretend-kiss, agree they cannot torment Adam by dating, and then Gansey says “now we never speak of it again.” Sure, Gansey, sure.

Now that Ronan has gotten Kavinsky out of his system — though Kavinsky has not got Ronan out of his — Ronan feels … okay. He chooses what to dream, for once, and he chooses to dream of his dead father. They have a goodbye moment that Stiefvater is really proud of.

Gansey convinces the Gray Man not to kidnap Ronan. Instead, the Gray Man intends to pretend to have stolen the Greywaren and then run from Henrietta, drawing Greenmantle’s attention elsewhere.

Meanwhile, Adam and Persephone drive all over the area performing small repairs to the ley line, strengthening the energy to make it more possible for Cabeswater to appear again.

Chapter 56 is a wonder of pacing.

how did it end?

Furious at being abandoned, Kavinsky kidnaps Ronan’s younger brother Matthew to blackmail Ronan into coming to his 4th  of July party. When Gansey, Ronan, and Blue get to the party, Kavinsky goes into his dreams to get something to challenge Ronan with. Falling asleep as well, Ronan finds that they both dream of standing in Cabeswater. Kavinsky steals a fire dragon and vanishes as he wakes. Ronan chooses to request instead of steal from Cabeswater. But the forest is drained from Kavinsky’s thieving and can’t manifest something for Ronan to use as a weapon. Adam appears in the nick of time to restore energy to the ley line using his new woo-woo balance. He also tells Ronan he figured out Ronan paid the rent. Cabeswater, newly charged, grants Ronan one of his dreaded night horrors — only now the horror no longer hates him and will fight for him instead. This chapter should be called METAPHOR CITY, PART II. When Ronan wakes, the night horror and fire dragon fight, and ultimately Kavinsky’s fire dragon kills Kavinsky. Meanwhile, the Gray Man was leading the other thugs and his sociopathic brother out of Henrietta. With the ley line restored to full energy, he realizes that the Greywaren’s energy footprint will no longer stand out dangerously. The Gray Man convinces the thugs that the Greywaren doesn’t exist. Then, finally he faces up to his SociopathicBrother. He shoots him, twice. Hit men. Seriously. They think there is only one answer to every question. Ronan dreams a new will that allows him to return to the Barns and then takes his catatonic mother to Cabeswater, where she immediately wakes up. Then he tells the reader that Adam Parrish is his second secret. Blue discovers that during all of these shenanigans, her mother has disappeared. She’s left behind just a note: “Glendower’s underground. So am I.” Readers howl in annoyance and Stiefvater laughs cruelly. /fin summer driving music.

link

the raven boys

blue lily lily blue

[pixieauthoress]

Did you know that Jason Momoa’s first movie appearance (after he made his debut in Baywatch) was in the 2003 Lifetime movie, Tempted? No? Well, it’s a good thing @momoejaku​ and I spent our afternoon/evening watching this amazing film on YouTube so that I could review it in all of its glory. Yes, this was totally a sensible way to spend my evening. No, I really shouldn’t be editing my novel. Thanks for asking. 

But, I mean, why wouldn’t you want to watch a low-budget movie from the early 00s in which young Jason Momoa hooks up with a middle aged tourist with a white saviour complex who is going through a midlife crisis? That kind of film totally has a universal appeal.

We went into this film knowing nothing more than the plot description on YouTube: “A married woman becomes attracted to a young man after she takes the ashes of her nanny to Hawaii.” It’s a little more complicated than that. Okay, a lot. There’s a lot of drama in this movie.

Let’s start with the font used for the credits in this movie. I’m pretty sure this was the default calligraphy font on MS Word back in the day? I totally used this font for a the headings on a bunch of my primary school projects. 

Emma, our heroine, lives in Boston, and literally every shot set in Boston features snow, in order to contrast the sunny, carefree lives of Hawaiians with the cold, sterile, boring life Emma is living in Boston.

We’re presented with our first-shot of Emma--a busy woman who balances making smoothies (people in Hawaii eat fresh fruit; those in Boston blend it into fancy smoothies) with making serious phone calls about legal matters. Her hair is always up in Boston. This is significant. 

We meet Emma’s kids--a cute geeky kid called Neil (or Neal? I’m not sure, the subtitles were super inconsistent) and a rebellious teen called Jamie. Were blonde streaks rebellious in 2003? Was it really that hard to find a teenage actress who was willing to dye her hair purple or another whacky colour? She wears band tees and lots of black and gets annoyed when her mom won’t let her talk to her boyfriend, Scott, on the phone at breakfast. At one point it’s mentioned that her parents don’t approve of her piercings, but where are they? They must be somewhere super controversial since they’re never visible in the film.

We meet Eddie (I think it’s Eddie? He’s super forgettable, so let’s just go with Eddie), the husband for whom Emma was making that smoothie. Look at what an attentive wife she is, finding time to make fresh smoothies (I mean, it’s not like something like this existed in 2003) on top of working and preventing her daughter from speaking on the phone with her boyfriend! And look at Eddie, totally not paying attention to Emma’s awesomeness by telling her he has to work late again, meaning she has to look after the kids again. I mean, I get it. My husband has gone on three work trips in the last six weeks and I’m tired of being the sole carer of our kid during that time, but this is basically the only aggravating thing Eddie does in this scene? IN SPITE OF THIS, @momoejaku shouted “Throw that smoothie at him and go to Hawaii to find Jason!” Smooth, @momoejaku. He also doesn’t know where his jacket is (in the closet, duh) so he’s pretty useless. 

Casual reminder that Emma is living this boring, smoothie-filled life in a BIG CITY. So unlike Hawaii. 

We spent just long enough at Emma’s office to learn that she’s a paralegal with a ton of legal knowledge that goes totally unappreciated by her boss, who is seriously overworking her. None of the old white guys in Emma’s life appreciate her enough. On the plus side, she does stand up to her boss, but gets shot down. She tries. We appreciated her attempt to stick it to the man!

While at her office, she gets the call about her nanny (Lily) dying. She’s super sad. She mentions to her assistant (or whoever the other guy in her office is) that Lily raised her. At this point I assumed this was just a standard “rich white girl is raised by a nanny so her mom and dad can do other stuff” scenario, but having watched the entire film I’m wondering if she grew up without a mom? The details are super vague.

Emma goes to Lily’s apartment (presumably? again, vague) and reads a letter Lily conveniently left out for her. Lily never told her she was sick and apologises for this, and talks about how wonderful it was to raise Emma. We see lots of pictures of the two of them, proving their beautiful bond, etc. Emma is sad and sniffs Lily’s scarf or something. There’s emotional music.

Eddie comes home and strips while talking about his day and we’re just like, um, no, where’s Jason? Emma tells him about Lily’s death and how bad she feels that she didn’t know she was sick, and her husband is just like “Meh, friendships change”. She tells him about Lily’s desire (as expressed in the letter) for Emma to take her ashes to Hawaii to be scattered and take part in some traditional ritual (which I can’t spell because, again, inconsistent subs) and he brushes off the idea because Emma works 10-hour days and he’s busy putting up a building (is he an architect? again, super vague details here) and who would look after the kids? Basically: Eddie is a bit of a douche, Emma deserves better. 

Emma is watering a plant and then there’s vaguely ghostly music and she’s taken back to a pretty memory of her and Lily making leis together. From this scene I assumed that she grew up in Hawaii, but was later proven wrong. 

Emma shouts at her teenage daughter for staying in bed on a weekend, instead of joining them for family pancake breakfast. I think we’re supposed to think the daughter is super rebellious, but all she’s done is sleep in, listen to loud music (which neither me or @momoejaku​ could hear on the YouTube version of the film?) and own an awesome poster that says Darkside Skateboards. As in, evil jedis ride them? We both want Darkside Skateboards. Anyway, it’s hard parenting such a rebellious (?) teen. Poor Emma. Domesticity is hard. After this supposedly dramatic scene, Emma takes her wicker laundry basket (seriously, people own wicker laundry baskets? Was this an early 00s thing?) into her bedroom and has another (kind of sensualised?) flashback about Lily teaching her to dance.

A delivery guy drops of Lily’s ashes and Eddie has totally forgotten they were arriving, and the kids are like “Eww, her remains are in there? Like her bones and stuff? That’s gross” and I don’t understand how they’ve got to that age without knowing how cremation works? Emma is upset by their disrespect for Lily (who they apparently didn’t know all that well, given their apathy to all of this) and announces that she’s taking Lily home to Hawaii. We cheer and @momoejaku​ shouts “JASON!” This has been a loooooong 12 minutes of making sure we know just how boring Emma’s life is, how under-appreciated she is, and how much she misses Lily.

Emma arrives in Hawaii and we finally get to see BABY JASON! He steps out his truck wearing one of the many, many tank-tops he sports in this movie. We’re fairly certain his contract stated that he had to show off his biceps in literally every scene. Not that we’re complaining or anything. He’s pretty skinny, in spite of the bicep thing? He introduces himself as Lily’s nephew, Kala, and his voice is super deep and we spent time pondering how weird this is, but then it’s fine for the rest of the movie so maybe he just had a cold? Maybe something went wrong with the recording? We’re not sure. Send us your theories. Anyway, verdict so far: Baby Jason is adorable.

So, YouTube subbed “Lily’s Emma?” as “They’ll eat salmon” and I had to show you all. Anyway, it’s revealed that everyone knows who Emma is, in spite of the fact that she’s never been to Hawaii, and everyone knows Lily too. Baby Jason explains that it’s a “small island, no secrets” and seriously, if you plan to drink while watching this film, you should do a shot any time someone says that line. Hawaii is tiny y’all and Emma is a celeb, obvs. 

YouTube interpreted “I’m driving” as “I’m drugged” but I like the idea that Baby Jason was high for the entirety of this film a lot better. There’s cute-ish car-driving banter, Jason reveals he knows tons about Emma’s life while she has no idea who he is? And he quips about the “small island, no secrets” thing again—which suggests that it’s really not the best place to have an affair with your nanny’s nephew? Maybe this is all foreshadowing.

Jason drops Emma off at Lily’s house (which she didn’t know existed) and nothing really eventful happens except WET BICEPS ZOMG.

Emma wanders around outside the next morning taking in the views of Hawaii for like five entire minutes, until Jason happens to come along and see her in her PJs, OMG SCANDAL. Unlike what the subtitles suggest, he came from his “mother’s old house” across the way, not his “mother’s old ass”. @momoejaku​ literally had to pause the movie because she dissolved into a fit of laughter for three whole minutes at this point. This film is worth watching just for the bad subs alone. Also her HAIR IS DOWN. SHE IS FREE AND LIBERATED.

She goes to Jason’s mom’s house for breakfast and practically faints at how much Jason’s mom looks like Lily, and his mom is like “Duh, I’m her sister.” Then she admits she doesn’t normally eat breakfast and Jason legit says “You do now” because independent have-it-all women like Emma just love it when men romantically tell them how to eat. But, like, he looks super hot drinking coffee and HIS HAIR (we spent a lot of time discussing his luscious hair) and his biceps are out again? So we don’t blame Emma for eating breakfast to impress Jason.

Emma is like “I’ve never seen so many flowers” and Jason is legit like “It’s a flower farm”. Jason talks about how successful the business is then his mom gives him his lunchbox before he goes to work, suddenly making him slightly less attractive. We have no idea how old he’s supposed to be. 18? 30? Either way he should be capable of making his own lunch. His mom talks about the problems with evil white developers wanting to build on some land that affects the water to the flower farm, and Emma asks them if they have a lawyer and obviously they can’t afford one (even though Jason explained how well the farm was doing literally a minute ago?) so Emma volunteers to be the White Saviour and help them, for free—this providing a reason for her to spend more time in Hawaii with Baby Jason.

They go to the home of the other owner of the farm, Julia, to get papers for Emma to look over and Jason’s mom (her name is Kehau, I should really use it more) says something vague about how Julia had a hard life and means well. Julia is like “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” and Jason’s mom is like “She’s going to help us!” and we assumed this was just a standard “we don’t want help from white people” thing, but later plot stuff reveals SECRET DRAMA. So this scene is more relevant than I thought at the time.

Emma checks out Jason in the side-mirror of Julia’s car as they drive somewhere for plot reasons.

Emma and Kehau talk about the ritual that Lily wanted her to complete, which is something about talking until each person forgives. Emma is confused by what this means, and Kehau tells her that Julia is Emma’s real mother, and says something about Emma’s father being a cold man. Emma is adamant that he wasn’t—like, seriously, you’re a grown woman and you still think your father is perfect? How is this possible? Isn’t everyone disillusioned about the awesomeness of their parents by the time they’re 12? Anyway, DRAMA TIME. Emma storms off in disbelief. @momoejaku​ proclaims that she knew something like this would happen, while I’m just wondering where Jason comes into the plot.

At this point, we’re still confused about whether Emma was raised to believe someone other than Julia was her mother, or if she was just told her mother was dead? This is genuinely never explained.

Emma calls her husband to say she’s coming home early. Jason shows up while Emma is stomping around the forest and she asks him if he knew about Julia being her mom and he’s like “small island, no secrets” SO DRINK UP GUYS. Apparently everyone knows.

Emma has a weird flashback dream about smashing some glass sculpture and Lily comforting her/disciplining her? I don’t know. We were confused by what this scene meant. @momoejaku​ had some theory about the significance of something smashing and Emma’s boundaries breaking down? Very analytical. I have an English degree and even I was lost for ideas. Emma calls her husband to stay she’s staying. She’s very indecisive. This appears to be Emma’s theme.

WET HAIR AND BICEPS. I mean, yeah, Jason is fishing and comforts Emma and is totally chilled and understanding about how she treated him like a dick the previous day when he had nothing to do with her issues. She says she feels betrayed to know that her mother was alive all these years (aha! So she was told her mom was dead. Finally, this is making more sense) and he’s like “You don’t have to deal with this right now, or tomorrow, just chill and spend time with the ocean” and she’s like “Is that the Hawaiian way?” and he’s like, “More like the Kala way” because that’s his name, in case you forgot. We just called him Jason for the entire film. Sorry if this review is confusing.

Julia attempts to talk to Emma and she’s like “I don’t want to know you, EVER” because apparently she’s 13 and just assuming that it’s all Julia’s fault, and that her rich, white, privileged father couldn’t possibly have had a part in this? We see that Julia hung on to trinkets from her time as Emma’s mom. Emma seems like a total dick.

The costume department obviously ran out of tank tops because Jason is wearing a shirt with sort-of sleeves! There’s banter and he makes a comment about her being a poor swimmer? I think this is relevant later? He checks her out, because apparently young, hot Hawaiian dudes have a thing for stuck-up middle-aged white women.

There’s some boring plot stuff that I’m not going to bother screenshotting. Eddie has to work late and trusts Jamie to look after things (ooh, I spy drama. We predicted she was going to throw a party) and Julia attempts to talk to Emma again and explain that her father’s parents put pressure on her. Emma is still a dick and won’t listen.

Emma runs some errand to do with the legal stuff and obviously Jason is at the bar next door because it’s a small island, y’all. She asks the bartender for a drink twice and he gets offended that she’s acting like a mainlander and wanting to rush stuff, just like the people trying to buy up that land. He’s touchy. She buys him a beer, so hey, feminism! Also Jason HAS A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SON?? Like, what? He’s 24 in this role and could easily pass for younger. This makes literally no sense. Like, an eight year old son we could maybe buy.

My theory, having watched the film, is that they added in the sub-plot about his teenage son after they cast Jason in the role of Kala, and just didn’t have time to replace him with someone older? Or they just seriously struggled to find male Hawaiian actors of the right age? Because there’s no way he could pass for 30 or older. Or maybe they just wanted us to think everyone in Hawaii is youthful and never ages.

Back in Boston, Jamie has Scott over and her shirt and his jeans are undone SCANDAL. Dad freaks out, and she says he abuses her with his dislike of her hair and friends and he’s like “Well, get new ones!” So helpful, Eddie. Great parenting. Jason—who apparently got someone pregnant when he was 9—appears to be doing a better job than you. She shouts “This is who I am!” and seriously, she’s probably the most realistic character in this movie. Oh yeah, Jamie is also 15, like Billy, Jason’s son.

Eddie calls Emma because he can’t parent and Jamie is “her job”. He’s like “ZOMG, she could get pregnant” and neither of them seem to think they could just talk to their daughter about contraception? He’s annoyed that she won’t come home and she’s like, dude, just be a parent already.

Jason’s outfit is really well coordinate with these flowers. And that’s about all that’s interesting in this scene. He looks good in pink.

Jason takes Emma swimming underwater (so much for her not being a strong swimmer??) to some secret place inside some rocks and I imagine it would be romantic if there was any music?

He talks her through a panic attack in the secret blue place and then says “You look good wet” and they admire the pretty blue stuff and then makeout. 

MEANWHILE, back in Boston, Eddie and the kids are on their way to visit because a) they’re concerned about how she’s handling Lily’s death or b) he just really can’t parent. Probably b).

Romantic beach chat. Emma says “I was scared but I went in anyway” and @momoejaku​ was like “Wait, did they do more than kiss?” and I was like “Dude, that would be a terrible innuendo” and they chat about how Emma worries over everything. Jason is like “You could just not worry”. Helpful, dude.

He puts a flower in his hair and just looks really good in that pink shirt? Much romantic silentness. So much is unsaid. Like the fact that the romantic heroine of this film is married, and neither of us are entirely sure if Jason is aware of this? She barely mentions her husband and kids, ever.

Emma’s family shows up and she’s still wearing Jason’s flower, AWKWARD. She didn’t check her messages so didn’t realise they were coming. Jason’s mom is like “The kids can sleep in my house, I thought you could use some time alone with your hubby” which is basically code for “Stop seducing my son”. I’m fairly certain she called Eddie and told him to come. 

There’s an awkward family meal—well, for Emma, Jason seems super chilled, maybe he seduces middle-aged white tourists all the time—and Billy shows up! @momoejaku​ and I speculate over whether he’s going to hook up with Jamie. That would make things even more awks. Billy looks the same age as Jason so this is even more ridic than it was before. Julia shows up because the meal wasn’t weird enough.

Emma finds her husband and Jason chatting about going fishing on the porch, but when she and Eddie leave Jason looks a bit crushed, so maybe he’s not as chilled as he’s been acting. Poor Baby Jason. I still don’t know if he knew Emma was married until Eddie showed up?

Eddie attempts to make out with Emma on the walk back to Lily’s house and she brushes him off because she’s “tired”. GUILT. Seriously, I’m finding it really hard to root for a married heroine. This is just weird. I can’t tell if Jason is complicit and was doing this even though he knew Eddie existed, but he’s Jason and he looks so adorable so gets more sympathy. Fully aware that that’s problematic but, hey, we’re only watching this film because of him.

Jamie sneaks out to hang out with Billy, who she just met, and he randomly mentions that he got caught breaking into a house for fun? Then asks Jamie how long her parents have been divorced and she says they’re not, and he’s like “That’s not good, your mom has been hanging out with my dad” which makes me think either Jason divulges his affairs with married women to his son, or he really thought Emma was divorced?? Either way, Jamie knows now. Uh-oh.

There’s more mom drama, Julia explains the whole “white people had power and made me give you up” but Emma is still a dick. I’m not going to screenshot it because we were really pissed at her by this point.

Eddie runs into Jason’s mom the next day and asks if Emma’s back from her run, and she’s like “Oh, she didn’t go running, went into town with Kala” and he starts getting suspicious. He goes into town, where Jason is shouting “Son of a bitch!” because the bad guys have planning permission. Bad guys obviously show up and he gets into a fight and Emma stops him from properly fighting by, uh, grapping his pecs and biceps and stroking his face? @momoejaku​ is like, uh, that’s how I’d stop him from fighting too. Obviously her husband shows up right then.

She has a chat with her husband and admits that Jason made her feel like someone she’d lost, general midlife crisis stuff. He actually gives a lovely speech about all the reasons they fell in love and why they should stay married. In spite of his previous uselessness, I like him. Poor guy.

Convenient conversation (@momoejaku was literally like “Is that all he’s going to do? Tell her stuff about her mom?”) between Billy and Jamie where he reveals MORE stuff to Jamie, like how Julia is her grandmother. Also, it’s emphasised again how important Emma was to Lily and that Emma has been a bit of a dick as she hasn’t really kept in touch with Lily all these years. Ugh, she’s kind of the least likeable heroine ever. Jamie blows up at her mom for not telling her about Jamie, and for neglecting Lily. Honestly, she really does a good attempt at talking sense into her mom. I like her. Also her outfit rocks. She tells her mom that she knows about her affair with Jason and threatens to tell Eddie, and Emma storms out shouting “I was never good at being a mom anyway! Maybe it’s genetic? Is that what you want? Me gone?” It’s very dramatic and Jamie gets upset. I get it, parenting is hard. Maybe when I’m depressed and having a midlife crisis I’ll go to Hawaii and hook up with a hot dude to forget my troubles.

Emma goes swimming to the special blue place again in an attempt to hear from Lily, and I’m like, why would you go to the place you made out with Jason to hear from your nanny? Then she goes to the special prayer rock Jason showed her earlier and has a moment where she keeps looking at this one particular flower and finally hears from Lily.

Meanwhile, Jamie is sensible and goes to chat to Julia. That kid is awesome. She also reveals that Emma’s father never got married again after Julia left—thanks, kid, this info would have been useful earlier. It’s taken me a long time to figure out Emma’s family history.

Emma and Kehau have a confrontation where Emma apologises for keeping Lily away all these years and Kehau accuses her of neglecting Lily and gets super upset. Emma says the words that she heard at the prayer rock and everything is better, Kehau confirms that it must be from Lily. Hooray! Conflict resolved by mystical words from beyond the grave! Kehau apologises for making Emma believe that Lily didn’t come back because of her (for all of ten seconds? Come on, let the woman feel guilty for longer than that. She’s done some crappy stuff for the entirely of this film).

ZOMG ominous storm brewing, and the kids are going hunting for fossils? Whatever could happen? Will they a) find an ancient burial ground that makes the land into sacred land that can’t be built on by the bad guys or b) get lost in the storm forcing the families to rescue them and bond together? The possibilities!

You guys, marines are getting into the sacred cave. In case anyone was wondering, RAIN is actually getting in.

So obviously Billy decides to climb the WET WALL to get some candles (@momoejaku​ and I missed this detail earlier and spent the next fifteen minutes going “Why did he even climb that wall? And where did they get those candles?” We are kind of ridic) and falls off and knocks himself out so they’re stuck in the storm. So far, option b) is looking likely. Anyway, we actually didn’t see this coming, the fall came out of nowhere, and @momoejaku​ made the most ridic facial expressions and kind of looked like a perplexed meerkat at this point in the movie. It was adorbs. There maaaaaay be screenshots ;)

Parents are predictably freaking out that the kids aren’t back yet. Eddie is pissed that Kehau is making him wait for Jason to show up to help him navigate the mountain and basically acts like a whiny child. Jason finally shows up looking surprisingly hot in a yellow raincoat (Eddie looks like a dork in his) and is annoyed at Eddie forgetting that he has a kid who is missing too. They go off in Jason’s truck to rescue the kids, and Emma stays home. At this point, we’re confused about the turn of events. Shouldn’t this be about Eddie and Emma bonding over rescuing the kids together, and Emma realising how much she loves her family? Not Eddie and Jason bonding? What are they going to do, decide to have an open relationship where Emma gets to be with both men? Run off without her? Seriously, I have no idea what the best conclusion to this film would be.

Meanwhile, Jamie leaves Neil alone with Billy (surrounded by candles like some sort of human sacrifice, but hey, he did almost die trying to get them) so she can run for help. Julia turns up at Kehau’s house and decides to take matters into her own hands, so they head out in search of the kids. Girl power! Oh wait, this film is about Emma and her mom bonding, not which guy she gets. I keep getting lost

Eddie falls down a hill because he’s a dork, Jason still looks studly and offers him a hand to help him up because he’s the better person, and also still manages to look awesome in all that rain?

All the rain in the spooky cave reveals some skulls which freaks out Neil but hey, we called it, it’s an ancient burial ground! And a chance for all the families to bond! Awesome. Jamie (or is it Janie? I can’t tell) is amazing as always and finds Julia and Emma.

Jason looks super concerned when he hears that his son is hurt (ugh, my ovaries) and then when he’d told he’s “in a cave, up there” he’s like “I know where!” So apparently there’s only one cave up this mountain? Cool, let’s roll with it. Jamie starts sobbing and her mom is like “It’s okay baby, I love you” so yay, they fixed that family drama. Only 9284 more to deal with! Jason adorably jogs off like some baby deer. With Eddie, obvs, but who cares about him?

They find the boys! Jason as the anguished, caring father is the best thing ever. He definitely gets into the role in Frontier. He needs to do more stuff where he gets to be fatherly and cause women’s ovaries to explode all over the world.

Aaaaaaand skip to Lily’s funeral. Oh yeah, that’s still happening. Kehau looks beautiful, there’s some lovely singing and dancing. Billy has a plaster on his head but otherwise looks fine, in spite of the fact that he was knocked unconscious for how long? Who knows? Jason looks awesome in pink flowers, obvs.

Jamie randomly gets up and decides to join in with the dancing? Because it wouldn’t be a Hawaiian funeral if the white chick’s daughter didn’t make it all about her. Emma cries and I guess it’s okay because Jamie’s getting in touch with her roots and they’re all actually Hawaiian, but dude, seriously. This felt super uncomfortable. Emma and Eddie look at each other and kiss and hold hands super sweetly but I may have shouted “Don’t make out with your husband in front of Jason Momoa! That’s just disrespectful! Also, you know, it’s a funeral.” @momoejaku​ totally agreed with me. 

Also, the funeral was all Christian and stuff? Kind of unexpected.

Julia and Emma finally have a proper heart to heart. I really don’t care at this point. This has dragged on for ages and Emma has been super childish. She’s a really difficult character to like or root for. They plan to stay in touch, so yay, I guess?

Emma and Jason conveniently have a private moment on the land that is no longer going to be developed because of the remains they found in that cave, also conveniently. Jason is super sad that she’s leaving and all adorable and like “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, we belong together” which really makes me think that he’s like 22 and not the father to a teenager with tons of life experience? She’s like “You helped me to see things differently but I belong with my family, that’s who I am” which basically means “I used you to get through my midlife crisis but now you’re no longer useful”. Like, the things they say are so different? Emma’s is all about how he helped her, whereas his are all about them as a couple and his strong feelings for her. I really feel sorry for him. He clearly cares a lot more for her than he does for him.

He legit clutches his hands to his heart and says “You feel that? That’s you. You will always be a part of me. That’s who I am” which totally makes him look like the better person. They kiss, but she never says he’ll always be a part of her, so, yeah. Jason wins. She totally used him and what they had was just novelty escapism that she’s going to forget. Also what’s going to happen if she comes home to visit her mom again and runs into him? Awks. At this point, @momoejaku​ shouted “No, you’ll find a beautiful Hawaiin wife and forget her immediately!” She’s totally not going to go and write Kala fanfiction now ;)

Emma says that phrase her mom said to her at the prayer rock and he smiles and looks heartbroken and says “You’re welcome” and AWW JASON. Don’t use him like that! Poor guy. He was way more invested in this than she was. Jerk.

The women get together for this silent scene (or maybe we just didn’t get the music, again?) where they spill Lily’s ashes in some water and then a rainbow appears in the sky and I could screenshot this all but we were just too sad on Jason’s behalf at this point to care about the other plots.  Anyway, that was it. Then the credits roll and we find out that the entire thing was filmed in Australia and we were just BETRAYED? They went to all that effort to show us how beautiful Hawaii is, but nope, it was all A LIE. It was Australia. We feel just like Jason—cheated out of something we trusted. Or maybe that’s how Eddie felt. But let’s be honest, we’re just here for Jason, so we’re on his side.

Anyway, that’s it. I don’t know if you’d really want to watch this movie unless you’re a total Jason Momoa fangirl like @momoejaku​ and I unashamedly are, but hey, it would make a good drinking game. Suggestions:

* Drink any time someone says “small island, no secrets”

* Drink any time Jamie is rebellious

* Drink any time Neil mentions a dorky fact

* Drink any time Jason checks out Emma

* Drink any time Emma checks out Jason

* Drink any time Emma is a dick to Julia

* Drink any time anyone mentions the land they’re trying to save

* Drink any time Jason looks brooding/moody/emotional

* Drink any time Eddie is annoying/whiny/useless

* Drink any time Emma is in her pyjamas or swimsuit

* Drink any time Jason shows off his biceps. Twice if they’re wet.

...it’s probably best just to pick three of these? Otherwise you might get alcohol poisoning.

Personally, I watched this film entirely sober because I drank one glass of Pimms and one glass of red wine last night after spending three hours in the sun with no hat and woke up with a hangover, because I’m now the parent of a preschooler and just can’t handle my alcohol. So prep in advance, guys. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Go to bed sober in order to prepare for some epic drinking and ogling of wet biceps.