#ALSO still not normal about bad literally leaping into the mines left behind by forever’s murder attempt

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

aaugh. guess what i fucking realized. bad and forever tried to kill each oher and both of them failed. forever lashed out in emotion and failed because bad’s potion strat is too strong and bad tried to kill with reason and failed because he hesitated- because he chose to fail- because he realized the trap had failed even before forever escaped- or something!!! i had Emotions about that fucking trap failure before but the realization that they both failed is really. something. they both failed to kill. they both failed to die. (until forever died. 18 times in a row. and bad stood silently in the blasts)

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Hello! I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfy but I was wondering if I could get a bit of advice? From your recent posts, you said you left your home from toxicity and just bad things in general.

I’m in a similar situation, but my dad will be taking me away from my mom. And I just know it’ll be a shit show. And I’m absolutely terrified when we tell her and what the backlash will be afterwards towards my brothers and me and dad in general

How did you do it? How did you take the leap? Do you possibly have any advice on how to deal ?

Hello, friend!! ☀️

Thank you so much for reaching out, it means a lot that you value my advice <3

Hmm, okay from what I can tell of your situation, that is indeed a tricky one, but nothing can’t be overcome!

It’s important to remember, though, I was 19 when I left (now 20), so the way I handled things is going to be a lot different than how a minor can handle things (legally at least, feel free to replicate my insane stunts lmao)

Advice below the cut! (family violence trigger warning, I suppose?)

My entire family was and is extremely volatile, and I don’t speak to any of them anymore except for my older brother, but I’ll be cutting him off in 3 weeks too when I move.

Fortunately, my dad and brother were both kicked out of the house years ago due to violence, which left me with my mother, who’s quite insidious herself (just watch any Conjuring movie and that’ll give a good idea of what it was like living in that house lol)

I get the same feeling watching this scene as when I was around her in that house. Granted she didn’t try to change my gender, but the hatred for my father getting taken out on me is pretty accurate lol, paired with the immediate “motherly love” afterwards (she never hit me though, pleased to say — she wasn’t physically violent, just emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally. She did try to run my dad over once though, so, there’s that too)

Yikes…yeahh the same eerie feeling for sure, still makes all my hairs stand upright in memory.

(For further context this clip reminds me of my father and this one of my brother)

In the clip about my father, he definitely reminds me of Frank Gallagher, except he despises my mother instead of revering her. He’s a workaholic instead of a drug addict, too. But the mannerisms are the same. I always handled him in the way Fiona does.

Regarding my brother, I think everything about our family hit him the hardest, despite being the oldest. He developed a very violent streak, and has very poor impulse control. I love him dearly but he’s a snake in the grass, and has thrown me under the bus multiple times to get ahead in life. I mostly just pity him, since I know what our life was like growing up. But still, I can’t defend him forever, especially not at the cost of myself. Literally yesterday I woke up to a text from him asking me to come pick him up because he got arrested for starting a fight at a bar and smashing their windows.

When things started getting pretty bad with my mother earlier this year, I started to realise in my heart that there was no way I could go forth in life with her in it. I focused on the future relationships I would have one day when far away from this town — romantic partner, children, friends etc

I sort of realised one day I’d care about them a lot more than I care about my mother, because those future people would care about me. That in turn got me realising that I do deserve love, despite how my mother made me feel, and that I don’t want her to deprive another second of that in my life.

Something very unique that triggered this too was going to go visit an old family psychic, who’s basically just the Gandalf to my Frodo (ily, Chris <3). He very accurately predicted my birth years ago after my mother was told she was infertile — he got the date, year and time right three years in advance, and even knew ahead of time what my personality would be like, which he was spot-on about.

Well, I went and visited him a few months ago because I was lost with my direction, and he ended up pausing and had a sudden feeling, which led to him telling me that he’d just found out I would be having twin boys one day.

Normally I don’t buy into that stuff, but this Gandalf dude…well I knew he was right.

Knowing I’d have sons of my own one day took me from a scared daughter mindset and into a maternal mother bear in an instant, and I knew I didn’t want any children of mine around my mother or the rest of my family, for their safety alone, which made me realise, “Well, if I wouldn’t allow my own children near them, why do I allow myself?”

I started grey-rocking her in the lead-up to me leaving, which of course frustrated her (she’s a malignant narcissist), but it was a necessary step to start emotionally detaching myself from her.

It all bottled over one night after a pretty distressing argument (I had locked myself in my room to avoid it, but she was still at my door carrying on).

My cat, who’s been my best friend for years, was sitting on the floor next to me, and sort of looked up and I swear he spoke with his eyes, saying, “You know we can’t keep doing this, right? You know this abuse has an expiry date?”

I agreed with my cat and knew right then and there that I’d be leaving that night after my mother fell asleep.

Well, when she was finally done (with threats that there’d be more in stock in the morning, mind you) I went to bed early and set my alarm to 3am (was a little inside joke with myself, since that’s biblically the “witching devil hour”)

I started quietly packing my quilt and cat up (I’d already been secretly packing the boot of my car up with all sentimental and important items weeks in advance, except she caught on and took all my baby albums and more to her boyfriend’s house, so I don’t have any baby photos or information on me when I was a baby anymore, like first words, size and just general things I’d have liked to compare to my own kids one day, rip)

Once that was all in my car, I quietly said goodbye to the old family dog and cat (they weren’t mine to take, not that I could’ve anyways, since it was troubling enough taking Buddy, who’s actually my pet and not the family one). That was pretty heartbreaking, as I knew that’d be the last time I’d see them (I grew up with them and was the only one who took care of them — mother neglects kids and pets alike lmao).

Once that was over, I looked around my house with my hand on the front door and was very melancholy, but knew Buddy was right: it had all reached its expiry date.

I left very quietly and drove to McDonalds for a coffee, as I had a long drive ahead (I had organised to be a nanny in this rich family’s house far away in the city — two hours drive). Luckily they were away on their country farm 4 hours away, so I had time to sneak Buddy in.

The nanny thing recently backfired horribly because they discovered Buddy, which led to more AM escapes with my car, but I’m staying with my older brother and his gf for 3 more weeks only. Something I’ve been working towards for months now is moving to a wilderness island to live in my country’s equivalent of Bag End — a beautiful country cottage, amazing job and fantastic study opportunities.

Best feature yet: it’s 60 hours away from my hometown by car, and then you’d have to take a boat for 10 more hours!! They shall never find me hahaha

One of my friends has also told me recently that my mother has started spreading horrible, defamatory rumours about me around town, but I don’t care anymore because I’m almost out.

So, although I can’t offer any practical advice (idk if you’re a minor or not, but regardless it’s great your dad is helping you!) this is the best advice I can offer:

Find a dream and hold onto it, one that doesn’t involve your immediate family. For me it’s moving to that island and enjoying all the fresh air. It’ll push you forwards and remind you of what you’re fighting for when at your lowest.

Remind yourself there will be other people in your life, whether a spouse, friends, children or even a dog! (I’m getting a golden retriever next year 🐾) And then remember that you deserve all of them and the unconditional love they offer you.

Remember that if you don’t want your mother/family screwing those people over by proxy of her/their relationship to you, then there’s no way in hell you alone should put up with it either, as I guarantee those future people only want good things for you ☀️

There is a good life after abuse, I’ve seen it, and I know you can achieve it, too!

Be prepared for tons of backlash and bullshit — it’s inescapable when dealing with people like this, but I recommend educating yourself on narcissistic parents and tactics to deal with them.

Finding a good therapist who deals in PTSD regarding childhood abuse is important, too. I found an amazing one in the town I’m moving to, who had nearly the same upbringing as me!

So while I’m still struggling with a lot of fear (scared my mother will find where I’m working and living one day) and guilt (I feel horrible about leaving the family dog and cat behind, especially when they need veterinary help, only to then go and get myself another puppy) I understand I’ve done the best I can in a very abnormal situation, and that I can only do better from here.

Also, this song has been a saving grace when going all angsty over wanting to leave your current situation:

It’s from my favourite Broadway Musical, “Newsies”, and lemme tell you — discovering this as a 17-year-old when I was just starting to realise the severity of my situation was pure divinity.

Jeremy Jordan, my beloved Broadway Bard <3

When I finally get my cottage, I’m getting a wooden plaque with the name “Santa Fe” engraved on it, and am hanging it on my front door.

I wish you much luck and love, my little anonymous friend! And please know my inbox is open any time you need anything — vent, advice, a laugh or something else, ANYTHING, it feels good to know my past can maybe help someone else’s present ☀️

Please update me, too! I’m following your story along ardently now! (Also, be sure to take your sentimental items and store them somewhere safe away from your mother — ie baby albums, birth certificates, other paraphernalia/memorabilia etc).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must hit the road. DESTINY AWAITS!

[punkpoemprose]

Annulment- Kristanna Law Enforcement AU Pt. 2

Universe: Law Enforcement AU Word Count: 3438 Rating: T (Teen & Up Audiences, Anna still wants to see Kristoff naked and they both want to do the deed but they don’t, sorry, spoilers)

Notes: Happy “Unbirthday” @kristoffxannafanatic! (Also another happy birthday because it was just a few days ago afterall) I hope you enjoy a little continuation to that Law Enforcement AU I started ages ago! I hope this answers some of the questions that it left open.

When Kristoff was released from the hospital Anna was there. There were a few other guys from the fire department too, filling him in on cases, shooting the shit, but she was, for better or for worse, his interdepartmental partner and she’d be damned if she wasn’t the one to take him home after all they’d been through.

She straightened her uniform and stood tall, walking through the crowd of guys twice her size to the man who was, and would be a few more days, her husband.

“Lieutenant,” she said formally, the uniform lent to her ability to be serious around him. In the day they’d had him under observation after he woke up, she had been perfectly incapable of staying cool towards him, not when she really liked him and not when they’d just made it out of such a tight spot. She’d shown him Anna, giggly clumsy Anna, and while she thought that maybe she wouldn’t mind showing him more of that side of her, she didn’t think that the rest of the hose haulers deserved it, not when she needed them to take her seriously.

Kristoff, despite being addressed by his title, looked like anything but a first responder. Being in a hospital for a couple days was enough to make anyone look a mess, but he was surprisingly well put together despite not looking as professional next to everyone in uniform. His hair was a bit mussed on top and he was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans, but he had a smile on his face and was standing tall.

“Detective,” he said respectfully, but a softness came to his eye when he looked down to her. They’d been through a lot, and the one constant through it had been the fact that they’d faced it together. She knew that it was a fact that meant as much to him as it did to her.

She nodded curtly but gave him a hint of a smile in return. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to tell him how much she was looking forward to their date that evening, how much she was looking forward to having him in her home.

It had to wait until he was in the car. The last thing she needed was for them to walk out to well meaning jeers and kissy noises.

“Well fellas,” he said turning back to the men around him, “My ride’s here. I’ll see you back at the house in a few days. Tell Kai I appreciate him bringing Sven back to my place.”

There was some nods of acknowledgement and some slapping of backs and they were off through the hospital, out the doors, and into her car.

“Oh the department didn’t send a cruiser after me? I’m hurt.”

Anna grinned as he climbed into the passenger seat of her sedan.

“The only thing criminal about you Bjorgman is your jokes.”

He laughed and she couldn’t help but grin to herself as she set off back towards his place.

“Nice one Bjorgman,” he said in return, “though I’m going to miss getting the chance to say that. Arendelle is pretty and all but I thought mine suited you alright if you don’t mind me saying so.”

She wouldn’t necessarily miss him calling her by his last name when they were out and about, but she thought that maybe she would miss being his wife, even if only for the fact that it had given her a lot more privileges at his side in the hospital than she would have had as just his partner.

“I’m going to miss having the time together for you to crack jokes,” she admitted, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we caught that arsonist, but less fires means less time for us to spend together.”

She saw him nodding in her periphery.

“So either I have to start setting places on fire or you need to cross over to the dark side. They’d like you over in the department you know, especially Sven, he’s always looking for new people to beg for treats from.”

She laughed, “Yeah, I don’t think either of those are great options.”

“Then I guess we just have to spend more time together outside of work.”

She thought about the possibility and it made her heart skip a beat. She couldn’t tell him about just how much time she wanted to spend with him outside of work, about how despite everything that had transpired between them since she joined the force, she’d always found him quite attractive. She was ready though to tell him how much she was looking forward to giving this “dating thing” a try with him. If she was being honest with herself, and honest with him, she’d been lonely before they met, and even with the teasing and her mock coldness toward him, he’d started to fill a gap in her chest. He’d quickly built bridges across the hole in her heart that she’d been terrified would always be a uncrossable, uncontainable chasm.

“I guess we will.”

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him smile brightly, and she couldn’t help the shy quirk of her own lips that followed.

***

She’d seen him in his dress uniform on many occasions, but it ended up that even in his civilian dress he cleaned up nice. He’d worn a thermal Henley, and she decided within a moment of seeing him that she really liked the way he looked in it. His arms stretched the sleeves and she’d almost sliced her hand from distraction watching him stretch. Her brain was unable to focus on cutting apples for the pie she was making when he was in front of her looking like that.

Her breath caught in her throat every time she thought he was going to catch her staring at him, and then again when she thought that it didn’t matter if she stared at her husband.

Her husband who she was only dating. The man who had agreed to the annulment that she wanted and didn’t. The man who she’d thought she’d lost and was terrified of losing again in a completely different way. Everything between them was so new, but she could already imagine what a forever with him would look like. She still couldn’t remember their wedding, drunken mad thing that it was, but she couldn’t help but to think that maybe what she was thinking about him now was what she had been thinking about him then.

That loving him would be easy. That loving him was already easy. That she would love to spend a lifetime with his smile and teasing and those arms wrapped around her.  

She was blushing, watching him sit at her dining room table with Sven at his side. The large Border Collie was gratefully accepting apology pets from his master, alternating between his attentions and padding over to the kitchen where Anna was slipping him apple slices. Anna found that treats were indeed the secret to the dog’s good graces, though the pets she’d been giving him behind the ears certainly weren’t hurting her case either. She’d heard once that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, and she wondered if Kristoff would be equally swayed by apple pie and a few scratches. She didn’t think that he needed a lot of convincing anyway, seeing the way he looked at her, but she wouldn’t waste an excuse to card her fingers through his hair if she got the chance. Maybe, she thought, she’d check the bump on his head.

“The lasagna is going to be done in a few,” she said, pulling his attention from Sven to her. She had been planning on having the pie made ahead but had wound up forgetting the first one in the oven and had spent most of her backup pie baking time trying to get the smoke smell out of her kitchen.

Normally burning dessert was embarrassing, but on a date with a firefighter? On a date with her firefighter husband? On a date with her firefighter husband after they’d just wrapped up a case about a serial arsonist who burned down Italian restaurants? That was just downright mortifying.

“It smells great,” he said, his eyes locking with hers from across the small room, making her blush. “Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”

Oh, she thought, there were plenty of things that he could help her with. There were plenty of things that she’d already been dreaming of, things that she’d rather die than speak out loud, at least for now. The heat that was already in her cheeks intensified as some of those “helpful” scenarios played across her vision.

“You could pour me a glass of wine if you want, but otherwise, no, I’ve got it.”

She was saved by the bell when the oven beeped, letting her turn from him before he noticed how he was affecting her. She wasn’t ready for him to be smug about her interest in him, because while he never really seemed to be arrogant, just teasing, she was afraid of how quickly she might give in to her thoughts if he’d bring them up.

She took the food out of the oven and stuck the pie in. The work of not burning herself was enough to occupy her mind and get it off the image of him pinning her to the wall, caging her in those arms as they decided to say fuck the annulment… literally.

She set the lasagna on a potholder on the counter. She liked to cook but hadn’t had the chance or the reason to do so since her sister had taken a job with a legal defense fund in a city a couple hours away. She tried to focus on the joy of being able to cook again, instead of the fact that this was a date.

He’d crossed the room without her noticing, and Anna nearly dropped the garlic bread she was holding in her mitted hands when she saw him staring at her admiringly. There was always something sincere in his eyes that made her heart feel like it was about to leap out of her chest. She’d been told before that she was bad at reading people, that she jumped to conclusions too fast, that all her abilities to judge people on the job seemed to float away when she was off shift, but she knew that everything Kristoff ever did around her, everything he said, every look, every touch, meant something. He was charming, and even more important than that, he was sincere.

“Anna,” he said, looking from her to the food she’d just taken out of the oven and back to her, “that looks amazing.”

“Well I’m glad it lives up to the smell,” she said, trying to look somewhere other than his eyes because she knew that if he kept looking at her like that, they were not going to get to dinner at all.

***

The wine had her feeling warm and relaxed. She had already sworn to herself that she was never going to get drunk again, least of all with Kristoff. It wasn’t because she was worried that they’d do something exceedingly stupid though. No, the concern was more that she wanted more than anything to remember every moment she spent with him from the moment they’d been in that blaze together on. He’d almost died, she’d almost died, and she wasn’t going to waste another moment if she could help it.

They’d been through dinner and dessert for some time. The television was playing some crime procedural that they were both having fun laughing at and commenting on.

“Oh yes, let me just put this sample of completely charred god only knows what into a mass spectrometer and it’ll tell me exactly who committed this murder.”

She snorted when laughing at his falsetto impression of an overly sing-song-y female lab technician. She tried to cover the sound but failed spectacularly, earning her a curious but soft look from him that made butterflies take up residence in her stomach.

“You snort when you laugh.”

She frowned. She knew it was probably unattractive, but sometimes when she really got laughing, it happened.

“Yeah… sorry.”

His hand, warm and solid, completely engulfed her own when he reached over to carefully knit their fingers together. She let him take her hand, slipping her fingers into his with ease, like it was something they did all the time.

The butterflies knew better, their wings beating again in her gut when he tugged lightly on her hand and beckoned her closer to him. It was all she could do to not immediately hop into his lap and stay there as long as he’d let her.

“It’s cute,” he said as she settled a bit closer to his side. His voice was soft, and she could detect nervousness in his tone. Gone was much of his bravado from before, where he’d teased her on the job and at the hospital and at pretty much every moment where he could get a joke in.

He’d said that he’d teased her, that he’d been such a goof, just to get her to smile.

She would have looked away to blush if it weren’t for the fact that his face was flushed as well, and she knew it had to do with more than just the wine. She held his gaze, let herself feel warm and like the cute girl he seemed to think that she was. No one had ever called her cute before, maybe her parents or her sister, or someone saying it mockingly, but she knew that Kristoff, for all his jokes, would never mock her.

“Oh,” she managed, her voice small and high, not at all the authoritative tone she’d worked years to perfect, “Thank you.”

She didn’t know if it was just her imagination, but he seemed even closer now, especially his face. She glanced down at his lips and back at his eyes. They were so close that she would barely have to shift to be kissing him, maybe to even be in his lap.

A little voice in the back of her head, the one she relied on most at work, told her that she was in no danger, but her heart was racing. She decided to trust it, to trust the cloying look in his eyes that told her she could probably sock him in the jaw and he’d thank her for it. She leaned forward and pressed her lips into his.

A hazy memory filled her thoughts as he pulled her into his arms, his lips moving against hers. This wasn’t their first kiss, and while she’d expected as much, she could recall him holding her to his chest and calling her beautiful and kissing her like she was air. It had been in Vegas, when they’d married. This kiss, in contrast was soft and slow and gentle. He was bringing her closer to him, wrapping her up in those ridiculously strong arms of his, and exploring the feel of her under his hands in the shyest way. She put out her own arms, letting her hands settle on his muscled shoulders as she deepened their kiss, chasing the memory of passion strong enough that they’d decided, albeit under the influence, to marry. He reciprocated, pulling her tighter, his lips moving against hers with barely concealed want. His stubble scratched against her face, and the soft sounds that she made were rewarded with deep throaty responses from him.

Sven jumped off the couch, startling them both.

She looked down at the dog, who quickly settled himself on the rug, content to simply move away from his owner and take up space elsewhere.

A warm, breathless chuckle slipped from Kristoff’s lips and Anna felt his eyes on her before she turned to see him staring at her openly and with the sort of rapture, she fuzzily remembered him having when he’d kissed her before. After they’d said, “I do”.

“You’re not drunk are you?”

The question caught him off guard, but a smile came to his eyes.

“Maybe,” he offered with a self-deprecating shrug, “But not off the wine.”

***

Anna awoke slowly, noticing first that her fingers were intertwined with bigger ones and that it felt very right. He was at her back and she knew that he was awake already in the soft morning light. He’d stayed with her, again.

“If you keep sleeping over,” she said, groggily with a yawn, “They’re not going to believe that the annulment on terms of ‘no consummation’ is valid.”

He chuckled warmly against her neck and her heart raced, waking her up fully when his lips pressed against the crown of her head, her mussed hair undoubtedly tickling his face. Sven, who was still asleep at the foot of the bed, was snuggled warm against Anna’s feet, and if she closed her eyes and fell back to sleep, she thought that maybe she could return to the dream she’d been having. The one where she married Kristoff on purpose, the one where their kisses went further and where they weren’t about to go finalize their split with a lawyer in a few short hours.

“Oh trust me,” he said, pulling her a little closer to his chest in a way that made Anna feel safe and protected and secure in a way that she’d never felt before him, “It’s taking every ounce of my strength to keep that true.”

She knew that she should roll over and swat at his chest, to teasingly reprimand him for being so salacious, but she couldn’t. She was too busy imagining that life again, the one where they didn’t need to hold back, the one where they woke up snuggled together every morning tangled together and bare instead of half clothed with a dog at their feet for “insurance”. They wouldn’t mentally scar Sven after all, and Anna had to admit that she did enjoy the foot warmer.

“Worry not,” she said in her best ‘crime drama terrible actor pretending to be a cop’ voice, “I too, am making a valiant effort.”

He made an appreciate sound in the back of his throat and Anna felt him kissing against her shoulders, “Just a few more hours of willpower Mrs. Bjorgman.”

She melted into him with the words. They felt right. She’d been mad at him for teasing her with it before, and she hated to admit, even now, that her annoyance might have stemmed from the fact that she liked the idea of being his wife and didn’t want it to just be a joke. She liked the idea of continuing their partnership beyond work, and while she was confident in the fact that she didn’t want to be married quite yet, she would miss hearing him call her his wife.

“I’m going to miss having you as a husband,” she said, glad he couldn’t see just how brightly she was already flushing at the words and at the attention he was paying her, “You’re a pretty good partner for a hose hauler.”

She could feel his smile against her skin. It was one of the most intimate feelings she’d ever experienced in her life.

“And I’m going to miss being married to such a feisty little canary,” he replied, his nicknames made her heartache, “But I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.”

She pulled their joined hands up to her lips and pressed a few closed mouth kisses along his knuckles, “I’d like it if you stayed… You know, if we kept doing this.”

She squeezed his hand and pressed back into him gently to show him what she meant even though she was sure he understood anyway.

“I’d like nothing more,” he said, his lips now against her ear, “Well… excluding of course spending our day off in bed.”

She had to close her eyes, feeling suddenly overstimulated from the feeling of him all around her, the sound of his voice thick with promise against her ear.

“After we meet with the lawyer,” she reminded, and then with a little squeeze of her heart added, “After that I’m going to make all that patience worth it.”

He all but growled with appreciation, and Anna decided that while they’d gone about the whole dating and marriage thing backwards, she was looking forward to the next time that he’d be able to call her Mrs. Bjorgman.

[coal-the-shiba]

If you are struggling, too...

I'd like to think of my experiences being a cautionary tale for those who find themselves in a similar situation.  For three, almost four months now, we have been dealing with an escalating situation--aggression.  I honestly don't know what else to call it, though I feel that the term is not completely accurate.

It went through a lot of phases.  At that time, he was still a puppy just beginning his teething, but my husband was already complaining to me about his behavior.  It was behavior I never really saw out of my dog, but the reasons are unknown to me.  I should have taken my husband more seriously, but my  brain was clouded with advice--from the internet.  The internet is really a dangerous thing.  3 or 4 months old?  Not aggression--just a puppy being a puppy, dealing with teething, etc.  Do the yelp, ignore/leave him for a moment and come back.  It's nothing and should right itself.

But it didn't right itself.  Sure, the technique helped so that during play time, we are fine--but during these times, it is a whole other animal.  Literally.  As he got older, it became more apparent, easier to spot (or maybe we just got better at reading the situation), and escalated in intensity.  What did we do?  Everything under the sun.  Using positive training, we tried redirecting him and treating him for doing the things we wanted.  Well, I did.  My husband really struggled with the concept.   I was left with most of the training, which was fine---if we were doing cues and stuff.  But this was bad behavior happening to him, so he needed to do more.  And he tried, he did.  He pushed himself to do it more, but I needed to remind him.  He grew up with the old methods of training and obedience, and after 40+ years, it is hard to change.

I used my no-marker, and he usually listened.  I only used time out a couple of times, but that was for chewing issues, and he learned quick.  We tried the Mine! by Jean Donaldson for problem behaviors, thinking that the problem was food aggression.  Turns out, it wasn't.  How do I know?  While he is eating, we can do anything.  We can pet him, add food, put our hands on the bowl, touch the bowl.  It is after the bowl that he becomes aggressive.  It is after walks and after play when he becomes aggressive.  What happens after walks and play?  Well, he goes back in his pen.  Perhaps he is frustrated and doesn't want to go back, but rules are rules and he does not own the house.  Regardless of his behavior, he will end up there.  The problem is, with the behavior getting worse, he gets out less.  That isn't good.  We are becoming more anxious after play and walks, though we still try to keep them as long and stimulating as possible.

It even got to the point where both my father-in-law and my husband has swatted at Coal with soft objects.  When Coal leaped up after eating and caught my nightgown, father-in-law had had enough and bopped him on the head with an open newspaper (not rolled and not hard).  It surprised him, but did not in any way deter him from his tantrum (still not accurate, but close enough.)  On another day, my husband had taken Coal for a looong walk by the river.  Went pee and poop, got a good walk in, lots of interesting smells, etc.  Came home to our normal routine, and then Coal moved to go upstairs (his play area).  Hubby said no and tried to direct him to the living room---and Coal lunged and bit onto his pant legs.

This isn't like the attitudes you see in cases of aggression---dog barking and snarling, lunging and pulling at the leash.  This is more like silent aggression---a predator at work.  I see the same stance when he sees a bird land just within his vision.  He goes perfectly still, his eyes take on a dilated look like he is regressing into a primal state, and then he reacts.  Movement could cause him to lunge, or voice--we don't know, but that has always been how it works.  The only time he has barked is after being unsuccessful and us getting him safely in his pen where he can't attack us.

He will totally guard the food bowl after he eats, but his behavior is a bit different. He gets anxious, his feet tapping back and forth as he tries to anticipate which direction we might come at.  We have tried leaving his bowl in place, and he will calm down---but it takes over an hour!  If we take the bowl sooner rather than later, he will calm down within 10-20 minutes. (we trade for the bowl even now)

These are two very different scenarios, but they have followed the same pattern of escalation.  First, my husband is the victim.  Like Coal is testing.  Then, it escalates to me.  I currently have a bite wound on my hip.  the worst of it is from a bruise, but his tooth ripped the skin as well.  It wasn't deep at all and no need for the hospital, but that is a far cry from the first time he bit me, which was only a bruise.  I was also wearing thinner clothing this time since summer is coming.

What makes this all completely hilarious is the fact that he is completely receptive to commands.  While guarding his bowl, we can get him to sit, lie down, etc.  If he doesn't, we have a good idea of how far gone he is.  

We know Coal better now.  We can see immediately when the Hyde change is coming, and it is terrifying to watch.  We both worked so hard, and the biggest conflict is that, yes, 90 % of the time, he is a good dog.  Sure, he walks ahead and pulls a little on leashes, but he obeys me and sometimes my husband.  He is calm, he never barks outside of those times, very receptive to learning new things---he is a good dog. But that remaining time, the time of Hyde, that is a huge problem.

I honestly thought I could fix it.   There are plenty of books out there on rehabilitating your dog, so why not?  Well, I will tell you why.  First of all, as the owner and one who has faced the stress of the escalation, you are not mentally able to assess the situation properly to determine what needs to be done.  On top of that, there is a seed of fear planted in the back of your brain that will forever taint your work.  Dogs can sense that.  Second, as a layman, you do not have the knowledge and experience to assess what needs to be done.

Get.  Help.

I wish I had done that months ago, but it wasn't a reality.  I didn't truly understand what was going on.  Oh, dog just being a dog. Do the yelp, be firm, etc, and it will be fine. That is what the internet says.  No one can figure this dog out, anyway--people who have seen clips say he looks like he is playing/anxious/stressed.  Not aggressive.  People say he might be hungry, I am doing too much, I am  not doing enough.  I got all kinds of advice from various people---and none of it worked.  Nothing from articles from trainers, nothing from blogs, nothing from books.  Why?  See the above.

Pride often gets in the way.  There is a sense that as the owner, you must be the one in control--but it is so important to know when to get help.  To be honest, I told my husband at the beginning that help would be better, but there were some barriers.  First, we didn't see the severity of the issue; second, money; third, being able to trust the professional.  You see, we are in Japan.  Japan is a bit behind the times on some training methods, and many vets and trainers agree that you have to show the dog you are the "leader" in some way, you are the boss and in charge.  Personally, I think the philosophy is BS and just makes humans feel better.  There is no way that we can prove or disprove such a statement "your dog is trying to take over/be the alpha/be the leader".  How can you prove that?  You certainly can not go into the dog's head and see what he is thinking.  All you can do is watch his body language and his behavior.  If a dog was truly trying to be a leader, they certainly would not bite.  All evidence about wolves and village dogs points to the contrary.  Aggression does not equal trying to be leader/in charge.

But aggression can mean that the dog is afraid or uncertain, and we can see this marked in his body.  Fear and confusion are things we can read in a dog, things that are quantifiable.  It could be that his confusion is not knowing the pack order, or it could confusion from being a teen and having hormones.  Could be fear.  Right now, fear is a huge possibility.

There are only two pieces of advice I can give to someone who is a similar situation to mine.  Get help.  And do not ever show angry aggressive behavior.  My husband has made that mistake twice, and it has only escalated the issue to the point where we are not sure if we can save him. (to be clear my husband has never physically hit the dog with anything other than a fluffy apron.  He did get angry enough to almost hit the dog because the dog was always barking/trying to bite him.  Always be in control, no matter what) The trainer we are looking into says that if it is before a year, the dog has a better change of being rehabilitated.  We are waiting to see if she will take our case.

And one more thing.  Get things under control.  Do whatever you have to do to manage the situation.  Get a muzzle and a pen to keep your dog in, think of what your are wearing and what situations trigger the dog. Be prepared to approach those situations with great caution, and honestly, don't let your guard down even at times you think he is fine.

Get help.  If you are facing a serious issue like mine, and you just aren't sure, get help.  The stuff in books are for the situations that mild and low, things that anyone can handle.  Anything above slight growling and you should seek a professional, because they will have the experience and knowledge to apply the CORRECT plan.  The correct plan is what you need, not shooting arrows in the dark.  I probably did a lot of damage trying to fix the problem blindly.  I hope not.  

I will keep up to date on things as they progress.  I feel like I can help someone else out there with my story.  I hope so.  I don't want anyone to have to experience this ever.

There is one more thing that I want to say that no one talks about: the fear, the pain, the self-doubt.  It hits you like a ton of bricks.  What did I do wrong?  How have I failed him?  I tried--I did!  It hits you over and over again.  You cry, you get angry, you wish you could change the past or find the right key--but you can't.  Every time you approach your dog, you are trying to evaluate what mind frame he is in now, what he will do.  It is hell, and it screws with your ability to make good choices.  Once you have that nervousness, even a little, it means that you will probably not be as successful unless you can master that.  But you are not alone. Even with a professional, you will have to carry through---do the homework they give you and be consistent.  You have to master that fear, master that nervousness.  And it will take time.  Right now, I am terrified.  I just took my dog up to play, and when he came down, he shifted into the Hyde.  He lunged at me, and the only thing stopping him was my husband holding his collar and the mesh muzzle that needed to be refitted.  I really thought he wanted to hurt me.  

He calmed down within minutes of being put in his pen, but it was a startling revelation to me.  It's okay to say you can't do something.  Let out your emotions with a friend or trusted family member, gather yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the ring.  It's your dog, your "baby".  You are the only one who can champion him.  If you give up on him, who will step up?  who will take over?

For me, in Japan, probably no one.  I am all he has, and I must do what I can to save him.  At this point, it is his life on the line.  If the trainer fails, or we can't find someone to help him, I am prepared to make the next choice.  It is not a choice I want to make, and I am hoping that it will never come down to that.  I am holding firmly to the believe that he can be redeemed.  Hold firmly to your faith.  Someone out there can help you.  Find them, fast.