#ALSO i didn't mean to suggest checking your levels to imply you haven't or that you didn't know...

[uncanny-tranny]

this might be a little depressing for transsexual thursday but erm.

i’ve been on T for about six months now and barely noticed any changes… (besides my voice) and i don’t feel happy like everyone else says they did :(

i’m not sure exactly what i’m asking for but… most of the people in my life wouldn’t understand i think so… i’m confessing to an internet stranger 😅

I think you should be honest with where you're at - changes can be slow-coming if you've just got those genes, and it's likely that your family who went through testosterone puberty have a similar experience. Sometimes, it hits you like a truck at 90m/ph, and sometimes, it can feel like a rollercoaster going up and up and up the tracks with no plateau or end in sight.

It's unfortunate that you can't always predict or expect all the changes that will happen to you, but it doesn't help to not be open with yourself in these stages of transition.

[futuremrsdrcullen]

Hi! Here is an idea I have for the blurb 😊.

So the reader is over at the Cullens and Jasper or Edward witnesses a really cute/fluffy moment between her and Carlisle and it just makes him to happy to see Carlisle like that again, since Esme has passed. Maybe Carlisle gets a call he has to take an excuses himself and when he leaves Jasper or Edward says thank you to the reader, and she asks for what, and either Jasper or Edward say something like making him whole again, it’s been (however many years or centuries it’s been since Esme’s death) since they have seen him this happy, maybe even happier with her than Esme…and Carlisle walks back in. 😇😇😇

Oh my God! I love it! Sorry it took my so long to answer this, I may have dropped my phone in a lake lol.

Also I wanna keep doing this, so if anyone has more ideas let me know

Blurb title: Thank You

Masterlist

Word count: 917

No warnings just fluff

As always I do not own Twilight or its characters. Rights go to S.meyer.

~ Claire❤️

This was his idea. He watched as I struggled to do it myself more times than I'd like to admit. This time when I mentioned how chipped my nail polish had gotten he offered to paint them before I said anything more. 

I let him pick out the color and everything. He sided with a rich navy that I wouldn't have chosen for myself but I had to admit the color was very pretty. I sat sideways on his couch directly across from him. He held my hand in one of his and painted it with the other. 

"You're really good at this." I couldn't hide my smile. I had a smile since he had suggested it in the first place.

He smiled back at me, "It makes sense, considering how steady my hands are."

"I would hope your hands are steady, since you're a doctor." I joked and then thought about it for a second. "Wait, are you implying my hands aren't steady?" 

"No, of course not." His voice was heavy with sarcasm and I could tell from the laugh behind his words that that is exactly what he meant. 

I let my mouth fall open in mock surprise, "Carlisle! My hands are very steady!" I couldn't stop the giggles. He didn't say anything, he just laughed and continued painting my nails. I pretend to pout. He raised an eyebrow at me. "Okay, okay. My hands aren't vampire doctor level steady, but that's what I have you for!"

"They call me the resident nail painter for a reason." He smirked and I wanted to kiss it off his face but I didn't want to smudge the paint.

Just as he finished my first hand his pager beeped from the coffee table. Both of our heads turned to the sound and he put down the polish to check the message. He sighed and "I'll have to call the hospital. Give me just a moment and I'll finish the other hand." I nodded and he set my hand down. He kissed the top of my head as he moved out onto the back porch.

I took a deep breath and blew on the already painted set. I was slightly worried that they'd need him to actually come in to work rather than just try to explain things over the phone. It wasn't often that he was actually called in when he was on-call- since not much happened in this town- but there was always the possibility.

I was too distracted by my nails to notice Jasper walk into the room. My heart nearly stopped when he spoke.

"Y/n, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." I noticed the soft smile on his lips though. I smiled back at him and his shoulders eased a bit. "I just thought, while Carlisles on the phone, I should probably thank you." He kept his distance, like always, opting to lean casually on the door frame rather than get closer.

"Thank me? Why‐" 

"I haven't known Carlisle as long as the others but I did know him while he was with Esme, and after…" he paused briefly, clearly trying to assess any changes in my mood. Deciding I was fine, he continued, "When he was with her, he was happy, sure, but not like this. It definitely feels like it's been way more than 30 years since he was this happy. Everything about him seems so much lighter since he met you. He's not walkin' on eggshells all the time, ya know?

"I think, because of you, he finally feels like he's allowed to be truly happy. I just wanted to thank you, for making him whole again." I was speechless for a moment, not really sure what to say but wanting to tell him he didn't have to thank me, but I knew he knew that.

I just nodded and delicately added, "He saved me too. I'm glad I can give him some of the happiness he gives me."

His lips lifted to a soft, crooked smile. "You have no idea…" turned to look behind him as Carlisle came back inside. "How exactly did she convince you to paint her nails?"

"He offered!" I tried.

"Only because you end up painting half of your hand every time you do it on your own." Carlisle added. I laughed as I scanned his features, trying to judge if he had to leave or not. His smile didn't falter and he shook his head softly, wordlessly letting me know that he could stay home.

"I don't know old man, they look a little crooked to me." Jasper pushed.

In challenge, Carlisle raised an eyebrow, "Think you could do better?" I covered my mouth with my hand to try to hide some of the laughter.

"Hell yeah I can." He floated out of the room, saying "Alice! Let me paint your nails" as he went.

Carlisle rejoined me on the couch and for a second we just giggled together. I noticed then what Jasper was talking about. Obviously I'd never know what he was like before he met me, but I could see how much lighter he was. Even just compared to when we first met. 

Once our laughter died down I scooted closer to him and placed my hand on his cheek; he leaned into my touch. I whispered "I love you."

"I love you, Cara." He kissed me softly and sat back grabbing my hand and picking up the nail polish again. 

Taglist:

@jakanddexter67 @a-not-so-poetic-poet @bridge597 @cestlavie03 @gaymazinglula @short-potato

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤☀️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will

[risingphoenix761]

Ridiculous And Needy

Summary: “You really need to lock your doors. Anybody could sneak into your room and leave a few surprises in your closet.”

Pairing: Crowley x first person reader

Square filled: panty kink

Word count: 1,372

Warnings: suggestive but not explicit. Discussion of kink, flirty banter, simulated oral sex (male receiving), implied smut

A/N: written for @spnkinkbingo. May I present my first square? This one ran away from me and I had fun keeping up. Thanks to @winecatsandpizza for looking it over. Enjoy!

###

I didn't know whether to laugh or roll my eyes.

My phone went off several hours before with a text from a number saved as C: You really need to lock your doors. Anybody could sneak into your room and leave a few surprises in your closet.

Intrigued, I answered immediately, What surprises? And we've talked about you sneaking into my room.

You'll have to look for yourself. And I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

Of course he didn't.

I checked my room as soon as I got home, wondering what in the world Crowley had left this time. There were roses and wine once, which was nice, but there was also the mummified corpse of a cat from an ancient Egyptian temple, complete with sarcophagus, said to bring wisdom and good fortune. That was...not so nice, but I guess it's the thought that counts. In his words, what else do you get an Egyptologist?

Yep, there were definitely days I regretted accidentally summoning the literal King of Hell, much less getting into a relationship with him, but at least it kept life interesting. Which maybe wasn't the word I would use to describe his “surprise” in my closet, a ridiculous lingerie set consisting of a bra made of something sheer and filmy, a garter belt and fishnet stockings, and--that bastard had nerve--crotchless panties.

In the end, I rolled my eyes. I pulled out my phone and texted, You've got to be kidding me.

He responded with, It didn't fit?

I'm not wearing this, I sent back.

“It's the wrong color, isn't it?”

I nearly dropped my phone in shock, his sudden appearance catching me off guard. Black suit, dark overcoat, gray tie, and an innocent expression I had already learned to mistrust with every bone in my body. He put on a concerned, solicitous air and added, “I thought you said it was your favorite, but I'm happy to correct my mistake--”

“Crowley,” I cut in, “I'm not wearing this.”

“Clearly, darling, or we'd be having a different conversation.”

“Ever.”

“Oh, come on, don't knock it until you've tried it. I thought you might appreciate something a little different from the usual, straitlaced, spinster librarian look you have all day at work.”

“And as I recall, you go for my usual, straitlaced, spinster librarian look.”

He shrugged. “Who hasn't had the naughty librarian fantasy, love? And the naughty school girl, the naughty teacher, the naughty nun…”

I shook my head as I sat down on the edge of my bed and took off my shoes, side-eyeing the lingerie. “The answer is still no,” I insisted, stretching my sore feet and rotating my ankles. “If you want to shower me with gifts, how about some shoes that don't make me want to cut my feet off?”

“Right, right,” he agreed, “I forgot that shoe fetish of yours.”

“You're the one who wanted me to leave the stilettos on last night.”

“You're the one who wanted me to bend you over your desk as soon as we got home.”

“That's not even on the same level--”

“And pull your hair.”

“Look, people say things in the heat of the moment--”

“And slap you across the ass a few times.”

“Mister Crowley!”

“Yes, darling?”

“You're an ass.”

He grinned at me, then gestured to the lingerie. “Just trying to get a rise out of you, love,” he assured me, “although…” he gave me a sideways look, a wicked gleam in his eyes, “if you feel like trying it on, I won't object…”

“Tell you what,” I said, folding my arms across my chest, “if it means that much to you, you try it on.”

His look of instant shock made me wish I had a camera. “Me?” he repeated. “Don't be ridiculous!”

“Oh, now I'm ridiculous?” I challenged, holding up the panties in demonstration. “What, his Highness can't handle what he dishes out?”

“Au contraire, sweetheart. You couldn't handle what I can dish out, should you make too much of a nuisance of yourself.”

“Right,” I said, pretending to stifle a dramatic yawn, unimpressed. “Remind me of that next time you come begging for information on some relic you're after.”

That hit a nerve. He stood at his full height and fixed me with a look of cool superiority. “Oh, I see,” he said. “You think because you've been useful a time or two that you have some kind of leverage and you can bend me to your will. Like you have some kind of power. Don't you?”

I shrugged, unmoved. “I am particularly useful, and that gives me something of an edge,” I reminded him.

“You think so?” he asked, reaching down and running a finger over the fishnets. “Because I'm familiar with your other edges, you know. The things you want. The things you think of. The things that get you feeling…” he gave me that look that always seemed to snatch the breath from me, “...needy.”

I swallowed, the resulting gulp embarrassingly loud in the silence.

He gave a satisfied smirk and put his hand under my chin, tilting my face up as he looked down at me. “You like the idea of it, don't you?” he asked, his voice soft and sultry. “It's so out of the ordinary, so, dare you say...taboo…” He ran his thumb along my bottom lip, his eyes dark and intense. “You don't dare ask, of course,” he went on. “Too shy, perhaps, too afraid of being judged for your desires. And what if you put yourself out there in earnest and you're rejected? Shamed? Humiliated?”

He slowly pushed the tip of his thumb into my mouth and my eyes fell shut as my jaw relaxed and my lips parted, letting him in farther, my tongue swirling around his finger while I gave a quiet sigh that barely masked a whimper.

Other than a devious glint in his eyes, he didn't react as he kept talking. “Can't have that, can you, so you pretend it's nothing until you know if it's safe, and even then you treat it like a game, all so no one ever knows how much you want it. You can be a serious academic, you can try to be vanilla, but you and I both know what's really hiding in your closet. A kinky...dirty...naughty...freak.”

I let out a moan and gripped his wrist, drawing his finger into my mouth and sucking while clenching my thighs tighter together. He tilted my head farther back and I opened my eyes, certain that my arousal was only too visible; it would take someone stronger than me to hide anything from Crowley. He cracked me open and made me willing to give up all my secrets like no one had before, and I loved every second.

“We've talked about this, darling,” he said, that smoky voice stirring heat and hellfire under my skin, “if you want something, you have to speak up. How can I make you happy if you don't tell me what you need?”

He took his thumb from my mouth and I stood in a rush, leaning up for a kiss. He met me halfway, as cool and in control as I was desperate and needy. His tongue traced my lips and I opened my mouth for him, shaking so badly I was clinging to him to stay standing. He let it go on for a moment, then grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me back, breaking away. “Tell me, love,” he insisted. “I'm the last one to kink shame. What do you want?”

It felt wrong to ask, which made the asking more thrilling. “Will you try it on for me?”

He gave a wicked smile that shot straight through me. “That wasn't so hard, was it?” he asked. He kissed me one more time as he reached for the stockings. “I do love your depravity.”