#ALSO THE TICKETS COME OUT IN NOVEMBER GOD FUCKING BLESS

[princeofyorkshire]

you guys don’t get it louis is playing at a 50k capacity stadium the same one he played w 1d in 2014 but this time it’s all about him. i know that place will be FULL and i’m going insane

[eirenare]

My TROS experience and thoughts (the good, the bad, a bit of speculation, an “old” WIP drawing, and... hopes)

Putting this under a “read more” because, well... this post is a huge walking spoiler

This morning I woke up really, really early to re-watch TLJ with my brother and do stuff before the hour of watching TROS arrived—I remember almost crying watching TLJ, already almost crying listening to that damn TROS song on Fortnite as my brother played it for a while

I was nervous all day long, honestly. I accidentally stumbled the other day into a hashtag on Twitter called “BenSoloDeservedBetter”, and I was already on edge. A lot. Not to mention that I accidentally saw half a comment somewhere on Twitter saying something that had made me doubt

So, yeah, I basically spent all day trying to give myself hope and reassurance while deeply having ONE FEAR. That was: Ben not surviving

You see, I love with every inch of my being Reylo, but—Ben is my favorite character of all Star Wars. Like, I can’t help it, I have a super soft spot for him

I had, like, super high hopes for TROS, and yeah, I liked the movie... or well, most of it (and I got some things right to my delight and surprise, one of them being the throne with Dark Rey sitting in it, but more on that stuff later)

There were funny moments I enjoyed (Babu Frik, Finn joking about Poe’s past as spice runner, C3PO being C3PO...), the scary/terrorific moments were amazing (gods I love Palpatine’s new appearence, all the Sith and eerie stuff, the whispers, the machinery...), the action/fight scenes were cool overall (Rey and Ben fighting together against their enemies after seeing each other and doing the lightsaber trick was amazing, for example, also the jumps, and I loved seeing all the spaceships together), the imagery was sometimes amazing too (Palpatine sending that enormous lighting to the sky, for example) and the emotional stuff weirdly enough didn’t make me cry but had my heart pounding (Leia’s passing, Han and Ben’s parallel scene, Rey and Ben’s healing scene and their last scene...), not to mention I was gripping tightly my bag and jacket to my lap throughout most of the movie, BUT

B  U  T

The fact that Ben didn’t make it out alive left me very, VERY bitter

I have to say, again, that weirdly enough I just... didn’t cry, even when Rey died, not even when Ben died, and he’s my favorite. Most of the times it happens, that my brain’s kind of... messy, when it comes to emotions (it seems that, most of the time, my brain just goes from “step: something happens” to “step: body/voice reaction” skipping “step: feel” in the middle—... although that usually doesn’t happen if the emotions are negative, which sucks specially if you already feel like you yourself are a mess—), so... yeah

It kind of... Well, the tears didn’t start falling until I was watching the credits with my brother (bless his soul for listening to my rambling, and for granting me multiple hugs, for calling my dear “Ben” instead of “Kylo” now, and overall being so patient with me—I didn’t miss the fact that he was looking at my reactions at some points, like when the Reylo kiss, and then Ben dying, because he knows how much I love them), when it registered that it was really the end, and that yes, Ben was... dead. I kept crying as we watched the credits, and then outside of the theater a bit again, and then at home, and I’m now crying as I write this

Look, I loved the Reylo moments we got even though I wanted some more. And although (as I explained above) I was “numb” almost all the time and even while watching the kiss, I enjoyed it and I could “feel” that I was happy and excited about it because my chest was pounding like crazy and my lips were doing that kind of quivering when you can’t quite contain yourself and you’re emotional

(... Yes, living with this brain of mine is a mess, and I don’t even know if this has always been like this or started at some point, because my memory’s also a good mess—I hate this so much)

But then—then I saw Ben fall backwards and start to disappear, and I went from glee and triumph to “oh no” (also: hello there pit my old friend)

I mean... They just went and killed a character that was trying to do good after a life of strife with himself and what he did and did not do, a character that was just starting to go to the light (to see the light)—a character that’s been all his life marked by the abuse he’s been suffering ever since he was in the kriffing womb, therefore not even allowing him to really live. They basically killed... a symbol of hope

It feels sad and discouraging for me, even though what he did was noble

It just stings. And the fact that Rey didn’t see Ben at the end alongside Leia and Luke, when she adopts the surname “Skywalker”? ... Why. They could’ve added him, but no. Why. And I have to say, while I like a lot “Rey Nobody”, I also like the contrast between her and Palpatine, the subversion of dark and light, that even though darkness runs in her veins, she would still choose the light.

(Also, the totally not serious question my brother and I joke about, though: who the fuck decided to have a crazy night with Mr. Raisin Ass and to give him an “heir”?)

To soothe myself, I like to think that since Ben “vanished” into the Force and became one with it, and that since Rey’s kind of “a host” of the Force (?), he’s now always with her and they can feel each other. I like to think that, sometimes, they’ll see each other, be able to be together if only for brief moments—maybe at night, sleeping, Rey would feel Ben wrapped around her (my feels asdbfkffnggjglg)

(You can bet your ass that I’m abso-kriffing-lutely going to write something about this because I NEED IT BADLY)

Another thing that soothes me is that Ben passed away with the biggest, most beautiful smile on his face, and even though I hate that he died, I’m glad he was able to feel that kind of happiness with Rey and that he was able to join the light side in the end—now, yeah, give me Force Ghost Ben at some point in the future at least,  p l e a s e

EDIT (addition of paragraph) — Also: Ben’s face when he looks at Rey every damn time, Ben running to Rey’s rescue with only a kriffing blaster, again the fight they had and when Rey sent him the lightsaber, and then lifting himself up from the pit with all his kriffing injuries and the pain he must have been enduring to then give up his life to save the love of his life—iconic, badass, a true dork in love whom I adore, the kriffing boss. But you know what I missed A LOT, that I realized I didn’t remember it being in the movie after watching it?? The “I DO”. I don’t think I’ve heard its equivalent in Spanish, and that has me pretty much confused and bitter. Like, wtf? If they let that out:  w h y ?

Kathleen Kennedy pretty much hinted that maybe we’ll see ��more Skywalkers” in the future, so, yeah *looks sideways at Rey and her ghost husband* Praying that they’d be in that “Project Luminous” of 2020, or later, but just... be somewhere else more

Something that bothers me, though—is there really a balance in the Force, after TROS? Rey’s lineage may be of dark and she may have taken the path of the light, but does that mean the Force is balanced now, or maybe not...? *scratches head* I don’t know, I need a re-watch and to have some serious thinking of this

As I write this post, I’m trembling almost to a shaking point and my chest is hurting. In all honesty, as much as I love Reylo... If I had to choose between Reylo happening or Ben living, I’d choose Ben living

... Now, it’s gonna hurt so much more reading “The Rise of Kylo Ren”. Oh, dear

If we set aside Ben’s passing, though, regarding how I saw the movie, I’d say that as much as I enjoyed it overall, it kind of felt like... it lacked things. Explanations and a bit more of worldbuilding, for example? More Knights of Ren stuff (although luckily we’re having them in “The Rise of Kylo Ren” alongside their leader, Mr. Hottie McHotHot aka Ren? Maz explaining how she got the Legacy lightsaber? TROS kind of feels, like... a little incomplete to me. I don’t know if to others it feels that way, but it kinda feels like that for me and my brother

Still I’m aware that, well, it HAS to be difficult to end such a story, and that it can’t possibly be easier to fit a lot in a 2h33 movie, you know? It seems... very complicated, and the stakes were high. So yeah, I understand that (while what I don’t take well at all, I don’t think I’ll ever do, is Ben’s death—it was pointless, and the fact that Rey didn’t show too much feeling about it... it feels weird). And well, the junior and non-junior novelizations will come out in March, so I like to think that we’ll get more details in them (like with the TFA and TLJ novelizations)

... And I really, really need a good rewatch of TROS because I’m forgetting a lot of stuff probably. So yeah, next Thursday if all goes well, I should have a ticket to go and watch it again, except this time in English with Spanish subtitles

A funny thing that happened at the theater, by the way, was that a woman hissed in excitement a pair of rows before us “I KNEW IT” when Rey was revealed to be a Palpatine

Also: I really, really hope that Rey doesn’t stay in Tatooine with how much she loves greenery landscape. I hope she went anywhere else that’s green and lush and was able to lead a nice life, to actually live the life Ben granted her, whatever path she would choose to take—and that Ben’s ghost would kind of like, be around her, you know?

Now, there are some things that made me laugh inside, and that is... that I got some stuff right. An example of that is the fact that Rey mentioned seeing herself sitting on that throne, something that happens in my “Rey of Jakku” fic and of which I was doing a WIP the last days of november (look, that happening was the thing least probable in my mind so... lol):

Also the cannon distroying Kijimi, too, and it seems that about the nature of Rey and Ben’s bond too. Also, when C3PO started explaining about the Pasaana festivity it kind of reminded me of how he started explaining the marriage customs in my “arranged marriage in Pasaana” AU. And I don’t remember now because my head’s pretty much a mess and specially right now (and as I said I really need a re-watch), but I think I recognized other things too

TROS wasn’t what I expected, and on the scales it has both its good and its not-so-good things (being the worst of them, for me, Ben’s death—of which I’m trying to cope by thinking what I said of him being literally with Rey now, maybe sometimes being able to see each other and interact), so... it’s a weird mix of me liking the movie while also not enjoying it nearly as much as I wanted to (as I think I should’ve)

Even though I’m super bitter about Ben, however, thank you to all of the team for working hard on the movie—doing the last piece of the Skywalker saga movies sounds everything but easy

Now, looking forward to the future...

I see myself continuing to write and draw Reylo, honestly. Ben’s death has kind of spurred me further to do stuff, so yeah—gonna keep up with my alternate TROS Reylo fic (“Rey of Jakku”), and I’m pumped to attempt writing other stuff, like... trying to write regarding Force Ghost Ben interacting with Rey, or working on AUs (*looks sideways at the “arranged marriage in Pasaana” AU, “Ice-skating” AU and the “padawan Ben meets mechanic Rey in Batuu” AU)

Will also be looking forward with utmost interest at “The Rise of Kylo Ren”, and to see what the merchandising team and the books and comics have to show in 2020—which means I’ll be dying inside all over again when I see Ben and Rey’s last scene, but well *shrugs* The novels are specially interesting to me. I mean, getting to read how these two felt about each other throughout TROS, and specially at the end? Written by Rae Carson? YES PLEASE

Also, if “Project Luminous” happened to have Rey (and even better yet: Force Ghost Ben appearing), I’d be even more interested in it—a lot more

The experience with TROS was a mix of good and not-so-good things, coupled with the One Fear I had regarding Ben (my baby... oh, how that kriffing stings), but still, it wasn’t that bad of an experience in my case

So, yeah... I think I’ll write some more thoughts later, tomorrow or another day when my head’s clearer (probably will write more when I re-watch), but so far, these are my thoughts on TROS

Rest in peace, darling, beloved Ben... </3 T_T

[jazzinseoul]

Storytime: My Awkward Almost-Romance with My Language Partner

I’m currently on an Amtrak train from NYC -DC, and looking out the window has me feeling angsty and nostalgic.  Plus, being that I have 3.5 hours to kill, now seemed like the perfect time to recount the awkward almost-romance I had with my former Korean language partner. It’s been almost 4 years since this series of unfortunate events happened, and yet it still feels like just yesterday I was making a fool of myself.

PSA WARNING: LONG AND CRINGEY TOWARDS THE END

…

BACKGROUND INFO

It was the fall of my sophomore year of college.  Around mid-September, my Korean professor announced to the class that a coordinator from the Korea WEST program had contacted her about wanting to connect program scholars with our class to do language exchange. At first, not a single person in the class raised their hand. We were all still beginners and could barely communicate anything past basic phrases like “Where is the bathroom?” But eventually, a few of us were guilt-tripped into agreement.

My soon-to-be language partner contacted me via email a few days later, and we agreed to meet at a coffee shop near my university. Before then, we began texting over Kakao Talk. Back then, my Korean skills were even worse than they are now. He would literally send a two-sentence message and it would take me 10 minutes to respond because I was having to look up every other word in my Korean dictionary app. (God Bless You, Naver). Luckily, we were able to converse fairly easy in English when we actually met in person.

To be honest, my first impression of him was pretty neutral. He seemed kind of nerdy but kind. I think we talked for maybe an hour, mostly about my vast knowledge of Korean media and pop culture which seemed to both surprise him and entertain him. Regardless, I was just glad we had something to talk about. Especially since in our previous email this boy had been  wanting to discuss the history of Chinese-Korean relations (what?)

Anyways, it was casual and fun even though quite awkward at times. Afterwards, we agreed to meet every Friday once I’d finished classes. And that’s when things kinda began to take off…I guess.

SURPRISE: I CAUGHT FEELINGS

Being a cancer means that I’m constantly in my feelings, and unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to trigger said feelings. I think it was around the second or third meeting that said feelings were caught. We had met at a coffee shop, per usual. But this time he offered to walk me back to my apartment which wasn’t far from where we had been talking. The sidewalks in the neighborhood were tiny and riddled with signs about parking violations and traffic rules. That being said, it was difficult for us to both stay walking next to each other and I had to keep walking around the signs that stood annoyingly in the middle of the sidewalk. For some reason, he noticed and suggested that we switch sides so that I was no longer inconvenienced. He also used his arm to shield me from oncoming traffic as we crossed the street.

Now any normal person would think that this is just a person with basic human decency and manners. My sensitive ass, on the other hand, was ready to get married right then and there…lol. From that day on, he was in my head 24/7. Friday became my favorite day of the week. I constantly looked at my phone for messages from him. Each time I heard that squeaky Kakao notification, my heart began beating wildly. In other words, I was sick y’all.  Also, each time we met, he insisted on paying for my coffee. I was so shook each time he offered, and it made me like him even more (silly…I know).

It didn’t help that our conversations had gone from lasting one hour to three-four hours at a time. His English was already pretty good (he’d studied abroad in England before) so our time together was mostly to help my Korean.  So I’d bring my Korean books, which he’d help me with for awhile before our conversations somehow got onto some more interesting topic. We would literally just sit at a coffee shop and talk about everything.

In October, I changed my profile picture on Kakao  (I had just got box braids and was feeling myself.) He sent me a message saying that  he noticed that I changed my pic and that I looked pretty. When I tell you a bitch was on the floor. Oh my god. But having never dated in my entire nineteen years of existence, I didn’t know how to respond and quickly changed the topic even though I was screaming on the inside.

SUDDEN DEPARTURE/ A PRECIOUS BITCH

By November, pretty much my entire Korean class had all stopped talking to their language partners except for me. But I knew our time together was coming to an end. Korea WEST scholars were only in the city for six months to attend a language school. In December they were all supposed to move to NY and participate in an internship related to their college major.

But a little before Thanksgiving, I suddenly received a message from him one night after we had met. It read something along the lines off:

“I have bad news. My internship has been moved up and I’m leaving for New York in like a week. We were having so much fun at the coffee shop that I didn’t have the heart to tell you then…etc.”

When I tell you I was heartbroken, y’all. Now to be clear, we had never crossed any lines. We hadn’t done anything that could really be interpreted as romantic. But we had spent a lot of time together and developed a very special friendship.  So, we agreed to meet one last time before he left.

Many things were said, but the highlights were:

“To me, our relationship is very precious.” (His words not mine.)

“In Buddhism, it talks about how people are tied together by ropes. And I feel like the rope between us is very strong.” (Shut the front door.)

“Will you come to NY to visit me?” (BIIIIIITTTTCCHHH)

He walked me back to my apartment and we hugged. After that I didn’t see him for around three months. And that’s when I fucked up.

MEETING (AGAIN) AND DUMBASS DECISIONS

Distance does what it always does and we talked infrequently. I never went to see him in NY, mostly because I was broke and could barely afford paying to my laundry, let alone a bus ticket. He had talked about wanting to come into town for the annual cherry blossom festival. He finally set a date to come down, and in the weeks leading to his arrival we began talking often again.

Honestly, back then I don’t remember much of what was said because he was talking in Korean more and I didn’t understand many of the things that were said—especially when they were ambiguous in nature. Plus, my Korean wasn’t good enough to understand the nuances of the language. So anytime he said something that I thought could be flirty I doubted my interpretation. My self image back then was terrible and I just couldn’t believe that a Korean man could be interested in a chubby, black girl like myself. I was the polar opposite of the Korean standard beauty. Plus, I had a history of one-sided crushes. And felt that this wasn’t going to be any different.

Anyways, he came back into town and we met, spending basically the entire day together. First we went to a coffee shop. Then we went to an art museum. Next we went to the cherry blossom festival. The weather was fantastic so we stopped on a bench and ate chocolate he had brought me; plus, fed some random squirrel that had taken a liking to us. Afterwards we walked for about 20-30 minutes back in the direction of my campus. We grabbed dinner at a random spot, and that’s when things began to get awkward. I’m not sure exactly why. By then, we had spent at least 6 hours together and conversation had been flowing easily. But suddenly we were each saying nothing and both began scrolling on our phones.

Afterwards, we continued walking unintentionally in the direction of my apartment which is near a movie theater. He began to hint at wanting to see a movie, but I was so overwhelmed by nerves and butterflies and awkwardness that I just pretended I didn’t hear him and began speed-walking to my apartment. And then, suddenly, I was at my front door. (GAWD)

He waved bye to me and quickly walked away.

And that was the end. Well…kind of until we met again 6 months later in Seoul.

Moral of the story is…I’m dumb. If you agree, please like, comment, and subscribe.

[literarygoon]

So,

Cora was calling me. Cora never called me.

It was November 2007, and I was just finishing a sushi dinner with my friend Katie when my phone buzzed from the inside pocket of my newly purchased peacoat. I was walking to my scooter Elvis and the evening wind was deliciously salty. I loved downtown Victoria, and had been counting my blessings ever since starting the creative writing program a couple of months earlier. One of the best things about the experience was partying with a young woman I considered my pseudo-wife named Jen Tucker.

I’d never met anyone like her before. Originally I’d dated her lifeguard older sister, but things had soured in an epic fashion. She wasn’t impressed that I had glommed on to Jen afterwards, but there was something about her that was intoxicating. She kind of reminded me of my little sister Ashley, but crasser. She liked to swear, talk about sex, and make fun of people. We bombed around the city with her perched on the back, squeezing my sides between her ultra-athletic legs. She was a fucking bomb shell, but she was also off-limits — she’d been very clear about that when we first started hanging out.

One day a cop pulled us over because we only had one helmet, which Jen was wearing. I was flying free, bare-headed Thailand-style, and I liked the feeling of freedom that came with the wind whipping through my dangling blond curls.

“Well, at least you’re a gentleman,” he said, as he handed me the ticket.

Jen lived in cluster housing at UVic, while I lived off-campus. Three or four nights a week I would sleep over in the living room, while Jen was down the hall with her three roommates. They’d all learned to tolerate me like they would a rambunctious pet that Jen led around on a leash. I’m not sure they particularly liked me, and they were quickly getting sick of Jen.

“Will?” Cora said. “Where are you right now?”

“I’m downtown. Just had sushi. Why? What’s up?”

She sighed, and then I heard a scream in the background. “You’ve got to come get Jen. She’s gone crazy or something.”

“Crazy?”

“She got really drunk and she started screaming at everybody and now she’s breaking shit. Like we’re going to call the cops cuz she’s being a nightmare. She keeps asking for you.”

I blinked, pausing in the street alarmed. “Is she okay?”

“She’s okay, I just think you need to come get her before things get worse. She just broke a mirror and there’s glass all over the ground. I’m fucking bleeding. Can you come?”

I went into go mode. “Of course, yeah. I’m like 15 minutes away. I’ll be right there, okay? Just keep her corralled.”

Jen didn’t like hearing advice, and revelled in being a shit disturber. This was a trait that I found endearing and everyone else found really goddamn annoying. You could never tell her what to do, never convince her she was wrong, never coax her into course correction. She liked doing things the wrong way, like Sublime, because that was her way. Her jet-black hair reflected her rebel heart and you got the sense that she was always one moment away from violence.

I pushed my little scooter to the extreme as I flew down Fort Street and then Shelbourne, cutting across a lawn as I headed towards UVic Housing. I was sweating and worried, swearing under my breath as I tried to get my scooter to go just a little bit faster. I had the sense that Jen was in real danger, and the lifeguard in me was swimming to her rescue.

“Oh, thank God,” said her roommate Lindsay, when I opened the door. Music was pumping down the hallway and I could hear feral screams through the walls. “I think she’s going to kill somebody.”

I nodded seriously. “Let’s get this sorted before the security guards show up.”

Lindsay sighed. “Honestly? Just get her the fuck out of here.”

When I finally beheld my little wife, coming around the corner ululating with her smoker’s rasp, she was wearing a leopard print bikini and a pair of Uggs. She was wielding a field hockey stick with both hands and had a crazed look in her eyes like a Japanese samurai. I held out my hands like I was talking to a bucking horse.

“Jen, it’s okay,” I said. “Everything’s okay.”

“These fucking bitches were trying to turn off my music,” she snorted.

“Nobody wants to turn off your music. We just think you should get dressed and come with me.”

“Come with you where?”

“You can come over to my place. You can sleep there, in my bed, if you want. You don’t have to deal with these girls anymore.”

“These bitches.”

“Right, you can just come with me and everything will be okay. Okay? Okay?”

Eventually I calmed her down enough that Cora could help her put on clothes. Together with Lindsay they packed her an overnight bag and talked to her in hushed voices, still fearful. I stood there with my giant motorcycle helmet, looking out the window cautiously in fear that campus security would show up and make everything worse.

Twenty minutes later I pulled out on to Mckenzie, and with Jen’s arms tightly wrapped around me we coasted through the cold darkness. Looming arbutus trees whipped by on either side of us. It didn’t matter that we weren’t dating, that we’d never had sex — I was in love with Jen in a way I’d never been with anyone else. I was completely dedicated to her. She was like a giant barking black dog. 

By the time we got to my house, all my roommates were asleep so we slipped into my bedroom. Jen was still muttering about “bitches” as I pushed her into my bed, pulled up the covers, and put my hand to the side of her face. I wanted her to know that I accepted her no matter how violent and crazy and fucked up she was. In fact, I loved her more because of it.

“Will you stay in here for a bit?” she asked. I couldn’t see her because the light was turned off. “Like could you stay with me?”

“Of course.”

I pulled back the cover and climbed in beside her. It reminded me of the time she’d sat on my lap when we’d gone to a sex shop on Granville Street in Vancouver to see the peep show, after dine and dashing from a pub across the street and breaking beer bottles in the street. There was an innocence to our intimacy that was hard to describe, but it felt similar to having a baby. She was my little sister, my wife, my love. As I crawled in, she curled up to my chest and began to cry. First little hiccups of sadness, then giant gulping gurgles of mourning. I didn’t know what she was so upset about, but I patted her hair and told her that everything would be fine. 

A few minutes later she was asleep.

The Literary Goon

[vivaciousyellow]

re: beyond embarrassing personal ramblings

dear victoria,

first of all, thank you for writing and sharing. i feel like i’ve been participating from a rather unusual kind of third party perspective, in a few very select snapshots of your uncle’s story through your posts. the way i’ve been able to see it to such an ultimate end from this vantage point has felt especially poignant and faintly unsettling.

so.

it’s taken me more than a month to finally put a response together.

which is mainly just, i have answers to exactly zero of your questions. i feel like when i first read your post and began reacting, i had things to say. but in the ensuing month-long, personal and  exhaustive, emotional rollercoaster ride - a particular thrill i’m still strapped into - and my concurrent journey of netflix binging to absolute denial (that little river in northeast africa doesn’t hold a candle to the lengths i will go through to keep row-row-row-my-boat-ing down my favourite psychological coping mechanism. i will die in this disgustingly polluted river of toxic, industrial-grade hormones and emotions. but not before first dying in this confusing and overdrawn parenthetical of metaphor and idiom. you still with me? cuz i’m not with me. #ImWithHerOrReallyJustAnyoneButHim), i’ve lost all my words. i apologise in advance for the intensely meandering nature of my authorial voice at the moment. and tbh the length and verbosity of my sentences are probably gonna be even harder to sludge through than usual, given my current modge podge vocabulary of a fifth grader.

what’s that they say? byelingual?

but rereading your post, the displays of grief that you described resonated with greater frequency (physics?) the second time around. i’ve been thinking a lot about performances of grief, as well as my own inability to pinpoint what exactly my tears are mourning. with each instance, i’ve become increasingly aware of how heavily and leisurely psychic tears move down my skin, and increasingly less aware of what a physical disturbance sobs are, the way each convulsion becomes the most unique ab workout, and the way they hack through the air in such a loud, clumsy way. honestly my lacrimal glands have pulled so much weight this past month and a half.

who says i don’t lift?

so, a shout-out to them. my most dedicated partners-in-crime. the crime of dramaticisms. of intensely gorging upon a neapolitan combination of guilt, shame, and self-pity day after day after day. which, by the way, are chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry, respectively. don’t ask me why.

my sister told me a few mornings ago, in a call that lasted 5 tissue packets, 62% of my phone’s battery life, 105 minutes of sobbing, and innumerable, patient assurances, something to the effect of, “to be able to feel so profoundly sad is something special.” i forget her exact wording, as i might have finally resorted to blowing my nose at this point, which has the power of expelling everything out through my nasal cavities, including my sense of hearing and dignity (i have found that, like peeing, snot comes out like a fire hydrant...in sometimes unforeseen directions, with unforeseen force…? that one conversation i had with hira two years ago truly left a ridiculous impression on me), but despite having to wade through the infinite cesspool of self-hatred that has become of my limbic system, that one expression of hers struck some resounding harmonic chord within me.

it was in c# minor, if you must know.

observing this “sadness” has become somewhat of an exhilarating experience (oh wait, already made this comparison, re: emotional rollercoasters). i feel like i’ve been steadily losing my ground and only just recently realised how it has completely vanished from under me. the proverbial magic carpet under which i have been sweeping things has disintegrated under the pesky gnawing of invasive thoughts.

and literal dust mites. i have neither cleaned my room or done laundry in weeks.

as i sit nestled at my unhygienic lowpoint, my sister suggested i write things down, so here goes some subpar, emo dear-diary-ing. hopefully my self-awareness acts as some kind of quality control but no promises. also everything will be in metaphor. sorry not sorry. but also really sorry. (there can be no end to the number of disclaimers, qualifiers, and apologies i need to say for posting all my feelings and thoughts on the internet.)

i remember complaining to david in early december that i felt so so homesick and i didn’t know what to do with it. i was complaining to a lot of people, compelled by some monstrous yearning and intense nostalgia.

my parents generously bought me a ticket.

to my utter surprise and complete delight, i only cried once. and brilliantly, mom and dad didn’t seem to notice. which is the always the biggest of blessings. or they’re just infinitely more intuitive and tolerant than i give them credit for. i also have to thank 姐 for that.

there’s a word doc i started the first day i step foot here and last edited mid-november that i was going to write for confessions of a mask (mishima yukio) and masks (enchi fumiko). not really addressing the actual material of either book, but rather just borrowing the titles. i wanted to do something with relating language, and language barriers, as a type of mask. something about my identity crisis as an asian-american. something about the genuine happiness amongst mixed feelings i felt about being mistaken as “nikkei.” something about the genuine envy amongst mixed feelings i felt when i heard my caucasian(-looking) cohort relate how she was mistaken as happa by the locals because of her conversational mastery over japanese. something about my own surprise, hearing from friends about the impressions i first gave off here.

once upon a time, long long ago, it all started with imposter syndrome…

to no one’s surprise...

anyway i think i need to end this post here. unfortunately however, this will most likely not be the last of my vague, emotional ramblings. something needs to come of this moment of my life. maybe if i record it, i’ll be able to figure out what i did that suddenly made everything feel so wrong.

i don’t know. i’m just so tired of treading the line between giving no fucks and giving all the fucks. more than anything, i hate that i’ve become such a cliched. but also i just wanna say, nihilism is overrated.

so i’ll probably look back on this in a couple months, or god forbid a couple years? and find all of this exceptionally mortifying. but in the meantime, while i’m stuck in this limbo where the future has become unimaginable and insurmountable, here are my fragile feelings.

love,

ying

[sillystringlouis]

girl please answer all of those 1D questions. all of them

Bless you. Thank you.1: When did you first realize how much you love One Direction? November of 2013

2: Who's your favourite and why? Niall. He’s just made of sunshine. I love his voice. I love that he contributes his guitar playing to the band. I love that he’s everyone in the bands’ best friend. I love how much he cares. I also love that he’s been open with his struggles with things like claustrophobia. I love that he makes sure to tell us how he is. I love so much about Niall.

3: Who's your least favourite and why? Can I say Zayn? Cuz he’s been a bit of a dick since he left the band.

4: Name four things that remind you of your favourite. Sunshine. Guitars. Harry Potter. Anything Irish.

5: What do your friends and family think of your love for One Direction? They’ve accepted it lol. But sometimes judge me for it.

6: What's your earliest One Direction related memory? Well my earliest clear memory is Leakycon 2013 when I was ragging on my friends for loving 1D so much. I wasn’t a fan for the first couple years, I’ll be honest. 

7: Are you sometimes embarrassed of liking the boys? Hell no. You gotta love what you love, man. 

8: Do you like the boys mainly for their music? Yes. It’s fun. And listening to their music, giving it a chance, is how I started liking them. 

9: What's your favourite tattoo on each of the boys? Oh god. I don’t even know anymore. I’ve lost track of their tattoos. Lets go with the screw for all of them. Because cute.

10: What's your 1D order? Niall, Harry, Louis, Liam, (Zayn)

11: Name three of your favourite funny moments. Bro I don’t even know anymore. They make me giggle too often to pick 3. 

12: What are your five favourite songs? Never Enough, Walking In The Wind, Fireproof, Where do Broken Hearts Go, Don’t Forget Where You Belong. But ask me tomorrow and they might be different. I love so many of their songs so much.

13: What's your favourite album and why? Made In The AM. I loved how much they wrote themselves of the album. And I love how chill of an album it is. 

14: Is there a One Direction song that makes you cry? I used to cry during Little Things. But not so much anymore.

15: Is there a One Direction song that you can't stand at all? Would people kill me if I said What Makes You Beautiful? Because yeah. No thank you.

16: Favourite music video? Drag Me Down

17: Least favourite music video? You and I

18: What's your favourite hairstyle on Harry? I’m a sucker for his long hair. He rocked it.

19: What's your favourite hairstyle on Zayn? AMAs. That ONE TENDRIL OF HAIR FALLING DOWN. Y’all know what I’m talking about.

20: Do you get nostalgic over fetus One Direction or do you think they're hotter now? Hotter now. I’m a fucking 23 year old woman. No fetus 1D please.

21: Which of the boys would you want to get drunk with? All of them, TBH. Depends on what I was looking for. If I wanted to get drunk and CHILL? Niall. If I wanted to get drunk and party - Louis and Liam. If I wanted to get drunk and have crazy conversations? Harry.

22: Which of the boys would you want to have a movie night with? Niall. Potter Movie Marathon. Lets go.

23: Which of the boys would you want to go shopping with? Oh Harry for sure. Best fashion sense of the lot of them.

24: Which of the boys would you want to have really rough and kinky sex with? Goddamn. Fuck me. Zayn. Probably.

25: Which of the boys would you want as your best friend? Niall.

26: If the boys were animals, which boy would be which animal? I hate these sorts of questions. 

27: If the boys were a song ( not a One Direction song ), which song would which boy be? And these.

28: Sort the boys into Hogwarts Houses. This I’ll do. Niall is a Hufflepuff. Louis is a hatstall between Gryffindor and Slytherin and ultimately would end up in Gryffindor (he reminds me of Sirius Black. Which is high praises from me. Even though I know Sirius wouldn’t have ever been a Slytherin. But anyway). Liam is a Gryffindor. Harry is a Hufflepuff. And Zayn is a Ravenclaw. 

29: Is there something you dislike about the boys as a band? The fact that they’re STILL ON HIATUS? GOD.

30: Which of the boys is the best boyfriend? Niall. Thoughtful, sweet, and loyal. Niall would be a kick ass boyfriend. 

31: Which boy is which fictional character? ( Book / Movie / TV- Show ) Meh. Still not into these sorts of questions.

32: Which boy is the most like you personality-wise? Oh god. Louis maybe? Snappy and outgoing but a little self conscious? Yeah. 

33: Do your friends like One Direction? Some do, some don’t. 

34: To how many of their concerts of have you been? Oh god. 17. Listen. I followed them to the UK and saw half the tour for their last tour. 6 straight shows at the O2. I was at all of them. 3 shows in Sheffield. Again - there. 

35: Blond or brunett Niall? Brunett

36: What would you get your favourite for christmas? LOLOL nothing. Maybe tickets to a show or something. Here’s the thing. 1D can buy anything they want. I’d have to be thoughtful and shit and I don’t know them well enough to give them good thoughtful gifts.

37: Describe your dream-date with your fav. Booze and good food while at a Blackhawks game. Cuz you best believe I’ll make Niall into a hockey fan and make him support the right team.

38: Describe your dream- wedding with your fav. I’ve never been the type to imagine such a thing. Sorry. But yeah.

39: Would you want kids with your fav? How many? How would you name them? Again - I’ve never been into imagining such a thing. I know I’ll never date my fave so why bother?

40: Have you ever felt like you're losing interest in the boys? Yeah. But it comes back. I ebb and flow in my fanship of things.

41: You hear One Direction in public- do you go off or pretend not to care? Go off if I can. But usually I’m working when I hear them lol. They play at my work all the time :)

42: Do you have any posters? A couple but not up

43: Do you like the film This Is Us? I’m watching it right now lol. Or listening to it while I answer these. I love it

44: Do you have any merch? A few things. mostly tshirts. And the headband bow. And things like that

45: Do you think the way the boys act in public is how they really are? To a degree but not entirely. They’re public figures. Just like any other public figure they’ll never be fully themselves out and about.

46: Do you believe in Larry and other conspiracy theories? Fuck no. Get out of here with that Larry bullshit. Let Louis live. I could go OFF about how fucking disrespectful some Larries are about Louis and his child. But I won’t right now. 

47: Which of the boys' girlfriends do you like the most? I never really form opinions on any of them because like. It’s not my life or my place to say anything.

48: Did you ever hate on a female associated with the boys? Nah. Not at all

49: Favourite ship? Narry

50: Favourite bromance? LiLo

51: What's your favorite fanfic? I couldn’t tell you offhand. But there was a Narry fic, I forget what it’s called, where Niall and Harry ended up forming a duo after the band split up. And it was awesome. 

52: Do you read a lot of smut? Used to. Less so now.

53: Describe your favourite dirty fantasy with your fav. Again - with the imagining unrealistic things lol

54: If you got to spend an entire day with your fav, what would you do? Go to the HP WB studio tour then see Hamilton. :) 

55: If you were a One Direction song, which song would you be? Midnight Memories

56: Would you rather get high with Zayn or see a movie with Liam? See a movie with Liam

57: Would you rather go ice-skating with Harry or play Monopoly with Niall? Both. I can’t pick between ice skating and Monopoly lolol

58: Would you rather stroll through London with Louis or hang in Los Angeles with Harry? London with Louis

59: Would you rather sleep with Niall once or go on three dates with Zayn? Sleep with Niall

60: Favourite Louis moment? Him performing on X Factor just recently. He’s so brave, that wonderful boy.

61: Favourite Niall moment? Every moment ever. 

62: Favourite Harry moment? Also every moment ever.

63: Favourite Zayn moment? When he tweeted Louis his condolences then showed up in London with the rest of the boys to support Louis.

64: Favourite Liam moment? Snake Habitat. 

65: Has your fav always been your fav? Nope. But I cycled through pretty quickly to get to Niall

66: If you were to pick an outfit for your fav, what would you get him? I really dig when he wears Alexander McQueen tshirts. Stylish but casual.

67: If you were a tattoo artist, what would you make Niall's first tattoo? The screw. Next question.

68: Talk about the three things you like the most about your favourite. Didn’t I already do this? 

69: Talk about your favourite's sense of humour. Dumb. I love it.

70: Talk about your favourite's face and why you love it. His smile. HIS SMILE MAKES ME WEAK. Okay? Okay.

71: Talk about your favourite's body. Gorgeous but not too buff. Which is rad.

72: Do you like the way your fav dresses? Yeah he’s fine lol.

73: When was your fav the hottest? When was his prime? Right now

74: Which of the boys would you rob a bank with? Louis. 

75: Which of the boys would you tell your darkest secret? Niall

76: Which of the boys would you avoid to get in a fight with? Liam. Boy is strong

77: If you saw your fav in public, would you run after him or leave him alone for good? Leave him alone if I couldn’t meet him without making a scene about it and make people mob him

78: What kind of fan-pic would you like to take with your fav? hugging pics are my faves.

79: Have you ever spammed your fav on Twitter? Nah. That’s annoying.

80: What do you like the most about Liam? How warm and loving he is.

81: What do you like the most about Zayn? His bravery. He faced a lot of adversity.

82: What do you like the most about Harry? His silly side. He lets loose nicely.

83: What do you like the most about Niall? How he brightens every room he is in.

84: What do you like the most about Louis? How he feels like he could be your best friend and how much he cares for his friends.

85: Favourite AU? Meh

86: Which of the boys would make the prettiest girl? Zayn proved he does. 

87: Which of the boys will make the best husband? Niall again.

88: Which of the boys will make the best dad? Louis IS the best dad

89: Which of the boys is most likely to be a succesful solo artist after 1D? I wouldn’t have necessarily said this before, despite how much I love Niall. But now I’ll say Niall. His music is gonna be super chill and rad and played on radios everywhere. I’m so pleased.

90: Have you ever had a carrot phase? Nah that was before my time.

91: Is 17 year old Harry overrated? No age of Harry is overrated.

92: Red suspender- Louis or weed smoking bad boy Louis? Both. They’re both very special and important parts of his being. Red suspender Louis was a young and innocent and more carefree Louis. Weed smoking bad boy Louis has toughened up some. He’s still warm and lovely. But he’s also more fiercely protective and mature. 

93: Did you watch 1D Day? Talk about your experience. Yep. Well. Some. I was also at work some. That was about a week into me being a fan of 1D so it was...an experience lol

94: Narry or Zouis? Narry

95: Ziam or Ziall? Ziall

96: Did you ever make fan art? nah.

97: Do you write fics? Nope

98: Do you think you'll get over the band one day? Maybe. But that’s okay if I do. I love the time that I’ve loved them.

99: What's a One Direction related memory you will never forget? Literally flying to London for them? And meeting some wonderful people because of them. Also meeting Louis was pretty amazing. 

100: Talk about the first time you really noticed the boys. I mean. Noticed how? You’d have to live under a rock to not notice them after X Factor. But I finally let myself start liking them about 4 days before Midnight Memories leaked :)

THANK YOU FOR THIS. FUN TO TAKE A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE!

[leav93]

October 12,2016 • February 14,2017 Thoughts

Looking back at old pictures of my Cali trip makes me so fucking sad to be honest. 6 months ago I found out that I was pregnant and till this day I remember exactly how I felt at that exact moment. My mom and I went to Cali because I’ve always said that I wanted to visit Cali and how I want to move there so bad. So on September my mom bought us tickets to go to Cali for a week for an early birthday celebration since my birthday is in November and she’s a bartender at a hotel and that’s when they have “high season” so she wound have been able to go so that’s why we went on September but anyways….. I’ve heard a lot about a restaurant called ‘Sugar Fish’ which is sushi and I love sushi and wanted to go…. so I went and didn’t think anything of it except that it was so delish! My mom doesn’t like sushi so I was the only that ate and then my mom went to another restaurant to eat once I finished eating. A few hours later, I started feeling weird and I told my mom to pull up because I needed to throw up and she did… so after that I kept throwing up the whole day and my mom thought that I was getting a flu or a stomach virus but I was supposed to get my period while being in Cali which obviously I never did…. but I didn’t think anything of it so then the next day we went out and I ate something (can’t remember right now) but then I didn’t feel okay and threw up again and I threw up the whole day again… so that’s when I thought about it and noticed that I hadn’t gotten my period yet and I was about 2-3 days late and I knew I wasn’t sick so I asked my mom to stop at a Walgreens and I told her why and she was pissed off obviously (because we went to go have a great week and I ruined it with this) but then we went and I bough a box of pregnancy test that brings two so because it was already night time I only took one and it said pregnant and I slowly had a mini heart attack (mind you my ex and I weren’t in a relationship) so then I freaked and told her but she was upset and didn’t want to keep talking about it and neither did I because she kept pissing me off… so then comes the next day and first thing I do is take another pregnancy test and the other one had a + sign and that’s how I knew it was real + literally EVERYTHING that I ate in that trip I was throwing it up no matter what it was (wether it was juice, fruits, salads, water) you name it and I threw it up… so then I called my ex and told him that when I landed I needed to see him because I didn’t want to tell him over the phone so fast forward a few days later when I land it was 6 am here in Miami, Fl so I called him around 10 am on a Thursday to see if he was still off of work since I didn’t go to work that day so I can tell him but then he texted me stating that he got called in to cover someone at work so I was annoyed because I was freaking the fuck out inside but anyways Friday comes and I had to work so I cal him after work which we had said we were going to hang out and talk but then I got home showered and called him and he told me “he was going to go run some errands with his friend he was going to call me once he got home.” He never did so I was pissed the fuck off…. a few days pass by I kept calling him and finally got a chance to speak to him and I was upset because he kept cancelling on me so I called him around 12:05 when I was with my friend and I called him and told him “I just need 5 minutes of your time… I just want to tell you that I’m pregnant since you clearly keep cancelling on me.” And he goes “I figured with the urgency of your voice and in me wanting to see him.” So that pissed me off because if you had a feeling why the fuck didn’t he take an hour out of his day to see me so we can talk?! He’s a fucking peace of shit (if you knew him you would definitely agree + a selfish human) so anyways he then calls me at 3 am that same night and I was sleeping so I answered and we started talking and he had the fucking audacity to ask me “who the father was” at this point I was fucking livid because he knew that he was the only guy I was dealing with for god knows how fucking long! So I was already annoyed as fuck but told him that obviously it was his dumb ass… so then days go by and I don’t hear from him but he did text me and told me that “he wasn’t going to leave me alone in this situation.. he wasn’t going to abandon me..” which didn’t answer my question which was “if he wanted to have the baby or not if he was going to be there for the baby or not?!” And he didn’t answer those questions just kept telling me that ^^ so then he started ignoring my messages so 3 weeks pass by and by this time I had already made up my mind to have the baby because if you know me you know how obsessed I am with kids and that’s a big part of my life I’ve always said I needed to be a mother…. so then I talk to one of my cousin who made me realize that I was nowhere near ready for a baby financially whatsoever! My mom works every single day, my grandmother takes care of my brother 24/7 and this human wasn’t even replying to me so by that time I assumed that he didn’t want anything to do with the baby so I came to the conclusion that I needed to make the biggest decision of my life and the hardest fucking decision that I’ve ever had to fucking make in my entire life which was to have an abortion because I had to work and my job wasn’t even paying me shit and I wasn’t going to have any help with the baby and I’ve never wanted to have a baby in a day care when their only a few month old…. (and yes adoption would’ve been a fucking way better decision but I knew that if I would’ve gone the full 9 month with a baby inside of me that there was no way in hell that I would give my baby up to anyone!!) so then my mom took me (and mind you I didn’t tell him I was doing this because he was no where to be found!) so I started crying at this place for about 3-4 hours because I swear on everything in my life that I didn’t want to go through this but I also said that I would never in my life bring a baby into this world and have it struggle because of me so that was also killing me inside. Anyways it was October 12,2016 and the nurse tells me I need to make up my mind because if the doctor saw me like that he wasn’t going to even touch me. This doctor came to the office at 5fucking pm!! I was there with another women who was going to have the same procedure as me and we were there since 11:30 am without any food or water…. so we had to wait for this doctor and the women who was there told me how she’s had this done before and not to worry and blah blah so I felt a bit more calm since I obviously have never gone through an abortion but I thought it was going to be extremely painful and that I was going to remember the whole procedure which I didn’t want to! So then I did it and I swear on everything that till this day I don’t remember what happened after he injected me with the anesthesia… all I know is that I walked to the other room and sat down for a while and was crying for a good amount of time and my mom was there and the women just hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay and I swear that she did help me out a lot. So we went to buy Chinese food (my mom and I) and pick up my meds from Walgreens for the pain and whatever the doctor prescribed… so then I went home and the pain wasn’t as bad as I thought I did have like heavy cramps kind of pain but I was bleeding for about a good month no lie and it was heavy! So then a few weeks after I had the abortion this guy wants to text me and tell me how he wants me to let him show me he cares and he wants to be there for the baby and all this bullshit and I was so fucking pissed and hurt at this point because where the fuck was he when I kept asking him that shit?! When I kept calling and texting him to see if he wanted this or not?!?! I didn’t hear from him for about a month and a half and then you want to come like nothing ever happened?! No! But from them I blocked him on everything because I went into a really bad depression because that really has been the worst decision that I’ve ever had to make in my entire life and is something that I do regret. I see a lot of women that I know who are pregnant or had a baby and I’m just wishing that I never had gone through that in my life… I would’ve been 6 months by now and I would’ve been so fucking happy with my baby because I do feel like god send me an angel to protect me and give me all the love that I’ve been needing and never got in my life. I know many women deal with this and still have their baby no matter what and I wish I was one of them but hey I can’t turn back time so now all I got to do is better myself, go to school, work out, and worry about my own happiness. Next time whenever god wants to bless me again with another baby i will be ready for it no matter what and I will have my baby and will be the happiest human in this world. But I just hope that god knows that I was in a situation that I wouldn’t have been able to raise my baby and I regret that shit every single day of my life!!!! But I pray that he does know that and see that and can bless me again whenever he thinks I’m ready for another baby. But Idk why I’m writing this since only a few people know about this and never wanted anyone to know this about me but I needed to let this out and just seeing those pictures really hurt me but it’s something that I really don’t want to get rid of because I want to be able to remember that time for whatever reason. I was pregnant. I was carrying my baby. He/ she was inside of me. I am able to have a baby. And I cannot wait to feel that again. Feel that joy that you feel when you are carrying a child.