#ALSO MET. AN HONEST TO GOD RAMA FAN?

[cimicherrychanga]

on artists alley at the con today i picked up a cute tamagochi pin and lifted iy next to my real tamagochi that i was wearing as an accessory to show my friend and the artist went 'oh you NEED to have that its on the house take it right now' i love people ;w;

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #129: Bid Tomorrow Goodbye!

November, 1974

KANG GROWS GIGANTIC! VISION SHOOTS HIS NIPPLE WITH HIS HERETOFORE UNKNOWN HAND ZAP POWERS WHILE IRON MAN VEERS AWAY IN DISGUST FROM KANG’S ARMPIT!

Or maybe its just symbolic.

So last time: Well Scarlet Witch beat Necrodamus and there was a lot of relationship drama but the relevant information is that a star appeared above Avengers Mansion and then Kang showed up, ready and raring to be the worst.

He is at least kind enough to do a title drop in his little introductory spiel.

Thor wastes no time and just starts attacking Kang although Kang just turns it around into self-gratification saying that until this time the Avengers have always refrained from attacking until he attacked first.

Hey, idiot. That’s because you tend to sneak attack them.

Anyway, this time Kang has the MACROBOTS at his disposal. The finest in 41st century science win buttons.

The Avengers, of course, assemble but soon discover that the Macrobots reflect force back at their attackers. Even the bullshit force of Vision doing his hand job dealie or Scarlet Witch sending a hex bolt to affect the brick work behind a Macrobot counts.

The Macrobots truly are the finest in ‘the villain needs an immediate win for the story to work so here’s some weirdly undefeatable thing he won’t just use all the time.’ And no sooner can you say ‘ineffectual heroes’ the heroes are all knocked unconscious.

For good measure, Kang even paralyzes Jarvis so he can’t come to the Avengers’ rescue.

And having beaten up the Avengers through the proxy of overpowered Macrobots, Kang feels sad that he has never met men as ruthless as himself who will provide him the savage struggle he craves.

So the only thing for it is to start World War III and then rule over the few who survive on the nuclear-scarred planet.

Also now that the Avengers are unconscious, Kang decides its a great moment to exposit about the dawn star of not Bethlehem. He had read about it in the few records that survive to his crapsack future empire and knew it was coming. He only didn’t know when.

Its the reason he’s always bumming around the 20th century, swearsies. And on a previous time he got his ass handed to him by the Avengers, he hid a temporal monitor to alert him if the dawn star showed up.

Because the Dawn Star signifies the completeness of the Celestial Madonna, whatever that means.

And the records say that her mate will be the most powerful man on Earth and she’ll give birth to a god baby.

And Kang is the exact amount of petty and insecure that he hears about a woman who has an important husband and immediately tries to insert himself into the narrative.

I have to say, he got over Ravonna fairly quickly. Or not. Time travel.

Here’s the problem. The star appeared about Avengers Mansion. That would normally be a good thing because the Avengers can’t bear to have more than one woman in their clubhouse at a time. Their hormones start to sync up and their menstruation attracts bears. Its just a hassle.

But this time, the Avengers have three women living in the mansion. So one of these three women have to be the Celestial Madonna but there’s no way to be sure which one.

Its equal odds that its any of the three. Scarlet Witch, Mantis, or the woman who is clearly far beyond menopause. Yup. Any one of these three women could be the Celestial Madonna that lays the golden baby.

If only there was a way to rule out any of them. Alas.

While Kang waits for the Celestial Madonna’s identity to be revealed, he’s just going to go conquer the planet. Its something to do to fill the time.

And he teleports the Avengers away. Well. Except for Swordsman.

Kang: “You, Swordsman? You are a weakling and a blunderer -- while my plans call for powerful male Avengers! Thus, I plan nothing for you but a scornful farewell!”

Dick move, Kang. The least you could do is to kidnap him to make him feel like he’s just as valid as everyone else.

And since spite is the purest motivator, Swordsman decides he’s going to show Kang what he can do.

Except he doesn’t know where to start. And there’s so much going on in his life right now he’s having trouble even concentrating.

Thankfully, Agatha Harkness appears as a giant angry face in the sky to drop some key plot details on Swordsman. Based on the hieroglyphics she can see from the tube she’s imprisoned in, she recognizes that the Avengers are being held in the pyramid of the Pharaoh Rama-Tut.

She also adds that hey no duh she’s not the Celestial Madonna because Agatha Harkness isn’t an idiot. “Yet my Wanda and your Mantis may suffer at this savage’s hands!”

‘I’ve known her for five minutes but I love her and she’s mine.’ Weirdly possessiveness aside, Agatha was always a better parent figure to Wanda than Magnto. Sometimes the blood of the magic teacher covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Because of all the platelets.

Swordsman hurriedly checks to see if Jarvis is alright before running to take a Quinjet to Egypt. All the while brooding on his relationship with Mantis. Guy has it bad.

Like ‘spends the entire flight to Egypt lost in his thoughts and doesn’t even notice the time going by’ bad.

And because he just flew into Egyptian airspace without so much as a ‘sup’ the Egyptian air force shows up and shoots him down.

Even the narration is getting on his case by this point, asking “Why is it, do you suppose, that some men are literally born to lose?”

After he crashes, Agatha contacts the Swordsman again but the message is cut off as she screams in pain. Kang noticed that the Swordsman crashed right outside the pyramid and he could never have found it without assistance.

And Agatha had been too serene since waking up. Therefore, pain laser.

But with that taken care of, Kang decides to exposit again. This time to the Avengers as they are being treated with a paralyray.

See, he was born in the 31st century but since it was a time of peace and progress, Kang got bored and stole a time machine that he decided to remodel into a sweet flying Sphinx.

He traveled to ancient Egypt and just mighty whitied all over them to become their pharaoh. Seriously: “I rebuilt the device in the form of a Sphinx -- and traveled to Ancient Egypt, where my inexplicable appearance stunned the natives into cowed submission, just as I planned.”

Kang is the worst.

After the Fantastic Four kicked his ass, he decided to return to his own time but because he was using a time machine that did not look like a Sphinx, it goofed up and deposited him into the 41st century instead.

A DARK AND GRITTY TIME where people are sci-fi barbarians, fighting for long-forgotten causes with weapons they no longer comprehend. And then Kang threw his imperialistic weight around until he was the boss.

But he got bored of that too so decided to pick fights with superheroes. And then they kicked his ass. Multiple times.

Mantis and Scarlet Witch challenge Kang, saying if he wants a fight they’ll kick his ass. He responds that once he figures out which one of them is the Celestial Madonna, the other two won’t survive long (MEANING HE STILL THINKS AGATHA HARKNESS IS A VIABLE CANDIDATE).

He also speculates that maybe a closer examination (don’t be skeevy, Kang) will provide a clue.

Meanwhile, the Swordsman. It turns out that breaking into pyramids is one of his many skills.

Yup. Back when he was bumming around taking on any job, he robbed a pyramid or two.

I love that what Swordsman brings to the table is not just great sword skills, a swashbuckling attitude, and enough insecurity to make Hawkeye jealous. He also has a bunch of less than legit skills. He’s like the team rogue. But not the team Rogue. Only bad Avengers rosters have one of her, unfortunately.

And then he runs into a goddamn vampire.

Like an honest to god vampire. Its revealed in a couple pages that the vampire is Amenhotep, who Kang forced to drink the nectar of the undead. Perhaps to guard the pyramid or more likely for shits and giggles.

And Swordsman is in such a fragile emotional state right now that he just snaps and goes ‘okay vampires so then I guess I’m Conan the barbarian’ and is the happiest he has been in days.

“Ha! Die, by Crom!” He stabs the vampire through the skull.

I like that Swordsman is apparently a fan of Robert E. Howard. I mean, I figure he’s a bit of a closet dork for stuff like that and Errol Flynn. His desire to be a swashbuckler must come from somewhere.

Unfortunately, big, red, demonic vampires are apparently not perturbed by swords through the brain. As another scarlet vampire once said, “Humans are the only ones who need simple chemical thought centers such as brains.”

So Amenhotep is still trying to get at Swordsman’s throast. Until a platoon of Egyptian soldiers busts in to arrest Swordsman. Remember. Violating air space?

And the vampire makes a snap decision between one man or a platoon and he has gone 5,000 years without eating. So he abandons Swordsman and attacks the platoon.

And as Swordsman tries to stand up in a daze, he falls through a secret passage. And then he sees a spooky sarcophagus and runs down a tunnel, by chance finding Kang’s control center. But behind him, unseen, the sarcophagus begins to open.

We’re mixing a whole lot of genres right now.

Kang watches Amenhotep killing the platoon before foolishly straying out into the sunlight and dying. He hadn’t been watching during Swordsman’s encounter with the vampire so he just assumes the Avenger is dead, the first victim of Firebrand the Vampire.

Anyway, he has work to do. The paralyrays have finally completed their work. Kang has the three captive male Avengers placed in his Macrobots, to power them up further. The exposure to parlyrays means that the Avengers will be helpless to try to escape. Even Iron Man who recently upgraded his armor to avoid this exact situation by making it partially mind controlled. Dang.

And with Kang’s three souped up Macrobots, nothing will be able to stop them from starting WORLD WAR III!

No, not the one with farting aliens. The one with a time traveling guy who wants to force a woman to marry him because half of a record says she’s destined to give birth to an awesome baby.

Within hours, Kang will have struck down the world’s greatest leaders and the resulting chaos will inflame the world. Both in temperaments and also literally as the world will catch on fire from all the nukes.

From his peeping perch, Swordsman scowls and decides to put one sword blast in the back of Kang’s head. To save the world. And because Kang is a dick.

But suddenly someone grabs Swordsman and pulls him away from his shot at Kang and yells that he must not destroy Kang!

A suddenly someone who introduces himself as... RAMA-TUT!?

But if Kang is Rama-Tut and he’s in the next room then who is flying the plane??

... Dammit, time travel!

Stay tuned! As another time traveler once said, “This is where it gets complicated.”

Next time the Celestial Madonna Saga continues in Giant-Size Avengers #2.