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houseofripley · 9 months ago

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Hotel Hell - Part Two

Rhea Ripley x Fem!Reader

Part One Pinterest

WARNINGS: SMUT, 18+, Fighting, Shoving, Oral Sex, Vaginal Fingering, MAKEUP SEX

WORD COUNT: 3,812

A/N: omg i am sorry this took me years to finish, life has been busy but it should calm down soon. i got such a good request the other day and i haven't gotten it off my mind so i will start that tmrw if i have time. also i proofread this at 2am so please ignore any mistakes lol

“The Brutalization Chamber? You want to know what The Brutalization Chamber is?” The Irish man laughed out, his eyebrows raising once you turned your gaze towards him.

An expression of curiosity displayed on your face as you repeated the name of the supposed ‘chamber’. It was obvious to the man that you wanted to know more.

The man began making his way down the stairs, “No offense sweetheart…but I don’t really think this is the place for a girl li-” He tried to speak before being cut off.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

“I don’t really care what you think sir, I want you to show me what's down there.” You chirped out, following the male down the flight of stairs, your hand hovering over your aching ribs.

“Well shit, if you insist,” The guy chuckled out, “Feisty, she’ll like you.” He muttered under his breath as he opened the door.

She’ll like you…was he talking about the same ‘she’ you had spent your night with? The same woman who just got done unleashing pure cruelty onto you? The same woman who disappeared into this exact building moments ago?

“Name’s Finn by the way,” He mentioned, “It’s just us, the big boss is probably around here somewhere as well.” Finn spoke as you scanned the room looking for ‘the big boss’.

Grimy was the only way to portray the room. Rope lights scattered across the ceiling, some were dim while others flickered. There were freezing concrete walls with cracks littered all over. A red neon sign displaying the letters ‘TBC’. A blood stained ring sat taking up a quarter of the room. Various pieces of gym equipment and punching bags were compressed into a room off to the side.

“So…just a gym?” You questioned the man, there was no sign of Rhea.

“Nah, it’s a little more than just a gym love…think of it as a fight club. A fight club with a fuck ton of money involved.” Finn stated leading into a room the size of a walk-in closet, the room seemingly being a pathetic excuse of a nurses office.

You leaned against the door frame while Finn babbled on as he started unpacking his bag, “People come to us in desperate need for money. They’re entered into our roster, put in the ring and bet on. If they win their match they get fifty percent of all bets placed. Bunch of sick wealthy men love wasting their fortune on this shit.”

“Don’t you think this is just a tad bit illegal?” You chuckled, sending a small wave of pain to your ribs.

“Eh I don’t worry about that too often,” Finn shrugged, digging around his duffle. “Rhea’s not too worried about the legalities when there's this much money involved, she can pay her way out of damn near anything.”

Rhea.

Despite your pain you perked up at the mention of Rhea’s name although you stayed silent.

“Rhea would like you, you’re quiet but there's just something about you, like there’s a fire inside you.” Finn mentioned, pointing at you. “I would introduce you to her but earlier this afternoon one of her top guys lost her like seven thousand. She stormed off to god knows where. Another one of her main guys has a big match in about half an hour. Going up against some new kid we’ve never seen so I’m sure she’s busy worrying her ass off.”

You heard a scoff echo from the main room as footsteps approached. “Jesus fucking christ Finn! Do you ever shut your goddamn mouth?” You heard Rhea sarcastically laugh trying to cover her anger.

You slowly turned to face Rhea, examining her tensed jaw and narrowed eyes. Reality had finally washed over you. The weight of Rhea’s actions flooded into your brain. You couldn’t figure out if you felt more betrayal or anger in the moment.

“Ah! Rhea mate!” Finn exclaimed, trying to divert from Rhea’s critiques. “I was just telling this young lady how much you’d like her…I never caught her name though.”

Your face turned to the ground as you tried to mutter out your name. “We’ve met.” Rhea butted in, her voice was fully flat-devoid of any sign of emotion. That’s when the regret hit you.

You shouldn't have come here.

“I should leave…it seems you guys have a busy night.” You muttered quietly. Rhea took a firm grasp on your forearm, “That can wait, let’s go have a chat.” Rhea said as her head motioned towards what you assumed to be her office.

“No, I-I can come back another time, I really don’t want to be a bother.” You barely managed to stutter out while Rhea’s middle and pointer finger of her opposite hand guided your chin up, forcing you to look at her. “I said let’s go have a chat.” Rhea commanded, her grip on your arm tightening.

You reluctantly followed the woman as she dragged you in the direction of her office. You knew you were in for it big time.

“You are a fucking insane bitch! What could have possibly made you think it was okay to fucking show up to this place?!” Rhea lashed out at you the moment the latches of her door clicked together. She dropped your arm before shoving you towards the other side of the room. You had been lucky enough to catch your balance as you were just inches away from barreling into the concrete walls.

“I just wanted to learn more! I wanted to figure you out Rhea! Can you blame me for wanting to figure out why you’re so angry and cruel every time I see you?” You said loudly, your voice filled with hurt.

“That doesn't give you the goddamn right to follow me to where I work! You don’t fucking get it, these people I work with are dangerous and I don’t want you getting caught up in this bullshit!” Rhea retorted out as her breaths began picking up speed.

“What makes you think I’m so incompetent that I’m incapable of being around danger?! You put me in danger nearly every fucking time I see you! ” Your hands flew around as you yelled at the woman, tears accumulating in your eyes.

Rhea began inching towards you, a look of irritation covering her face. “I don’t fucking put you in danger!”

“Yes you fucking do! You have no idea how many bruises you’ve left me with. The other month you choked me till I passed out, yet you didn’t stop fucking me to check if I was okay! For fucks sake Rhea, an hour ago you left me bleeding and collapsed to the floor!!” All hell had broken loose between the two of you as your tears started escaping from you.

“You told me you could take it! I don’t get why you’re bitching and moaning all of the sudden.” Rhea continued arguing.

Your fist crashed down onto Rhea’s nearby desk, “I can take it rough, but you can’t keep disappearing after being borderline torturous! You’re so damn immature!!” Your screaming matched showed no signs of stopping anytime soon.

“I’m immature? You’re the one that followed me to my job and is throwing a tantrum right now!” Rhea’s voice thundered around the room.

“You don’t get it Rhea! I’m a fucking person and you dont give a shit about me! Why don’t you fucking care?!” You yelled through broken sobs as you started unleashing your sadness and anger onto Rhea, pushing and beating on her chest.

Rhea made no attempt to stop you. She made no moves, just allowing you to inflict your pain onto her.

Once your hands had dropped to your sides in exhaustion and your breaths became heavier as you tried calming yourself down Rhea quietly mumbled, “I do care…”

“But you don’t…” You looked up at her with wide eyes, lifting your shirt. You exposed your aching torso displaying your cut up skin, dried blood pooled around your laceration and the letters of Rhea’s name carved into your skin. “Someone who cares doesn't do this and run away.” You quietly said, your voice strained from the screaming match.

The regret in her eyes was apparent as she darted her eyes away from you. The realization she had gone too far had hit her hard, feeling as if she was being crashed into by an eighteen-wheeler.

Her vulnerability was short lived, Rhea quickly repressed her display of emotion, replacing it with her regular cold and emotionless stare. She had to put on her tough guy attitude. It was her only safety blanket. Emotions are for the weak, Rhea could never be weak.

“You get worse every time I see you, something has to change Rhea…” You breathed out, trying to articulate your speech as you lowered your shirt back down. “If you can’t fix this behavior I’m done.”

“You know you don’t mean that.” Rhea sighed as she ran her hand through her black hair. She didn’t want to lose you but she could never admit that. “I need to think about…everything. Just give me a some t-”

Rhea was cut off by a deep voice from outside the door. “Ten minutes till the bell Rhea.” Rhea rolled her eyes and made her way to the door, “Just give me some fucking time Damian! And go get a roll of gauze from Finn. Quickly.” Rhea demanded after opening the door just a sliver.

You clenched your jaw as you sensed Rhea’s levels of anger were once again rising. The last thing you wanted was to end up back at square one with her. You couldn’t handle another argument with her. Not tonight at least.

The pair of you stood in silence as you waited for the man to return. Once he had arrived he opened the door, handing Rhea the roll of fabric. His eyes curiously examining you through the crack in the door.

“I’ll be out in a minute…” Rhea aggressively muttered before closing the door. She mumbled your name under her breath before walking to her desk.

“You’re lucky Finn showed up early, only God knows what could have happened to you if one of the other guys showed up before him.” Rhea grunted as she unlocked a drawer and began rummaging through the mess inside.

What is it about her?

“Why such a dark line of work? What made you choose this of all things?” You questioned, you were terrified to set her off but on the other hand you wanted to push for answers from her. It was the only way to get your foot into the door of her life.

Rhea stumbled her way towards you avoiding eye contact, a tube of antibacterial gel in her hand as she shrugged. “Not something you choose. You’re born into it and can’t escape it, you just have to accept it and make the best out of it.” She mumbled while she lifted your shirt up.

Rhea applied a small glob of the antibacterial gel to her finger while she lowered herself to her knees, becoming face to face with your shredded skin. The woman began dabbing the gel onto your skin causing you to let out a small hiss from the pain.

Once she finished applying all of the gel she wiped the residue from her fingers onto her pant leg and grabbed the roll of gauze. Rhea cleared her throat before speaking up, “Just stay in here for a while, I can take you home after this match.”

“I’m perfectly capable of walking home by myself, Rhea.” You stated, watching Rhea carefully wrap the gauze around your waist.

“I’m walking you home and that’s final.” Rhea stood her ground, “Seriously though, just stay in here. I’ll be back.”

You weren’t planning on fighting about this with her, deciding to keep your mouth shut you let her take the win. “Fine, whatever.” You gave in as Rhea tied a knot in the gauze to hold it in place.

“Shouldn’t be more than twenty minutes.” Was all Rhea had said as she stood up. Nothing else left her lips as she exited the room.

No apology?

You groaned as you sat down in Rhea’s large chair. You blankly stared at the wall for several minutes before your mind started to wander. Exploring anything that popped into your head. Places, things, people, Rhea.

If you were being honest with yourself you were doubting the woman's ability to change her ways. You assumed she would most likely be this way her whole life, although you prayed she had it in herself to change. She had the potential to be great if she would put her pride aside.

It wasn't long until the cheers of the crowd on the opposite side of the door had started drowning out your thoughts.

You wanted to catch a glimpse of the madness. You stood up from the large chair, your feet scuffing the ground as you strolled to the door

You cracked the door open, taking a peek of the ring surrounded by a flock of rowdy men that were yelling. The large man you made eye contact with earlier was in the ring brutalizing a much smaller guy who couldn’t even be older than twenty-five. He was putting on one hell of a fight but it was clear he stood no chance.

Rhea was the only woman there, she was stood right against the ring watching intensely. She had caught your image in the corner of her eyes. Her face turned in your direction, she tilted her head as if she was asking you what the hell you were doing.

You mouthed the word sorry to her before quickly closing the door.

Fifteen excruciatingly boring minutes had passed, the cheers had dispersed into muffled conversations. Rhea had finally arrived back in her office. She seemed content which you enjoyed.

“You ready to go?” Rhea asked, you answered with a simple nod.

As the two of you made your way out of the building Rhea exchanged goodbyes with some of the strange men.

The entire walk was silent, the both of you reflecting on the weird night you had been through together. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, it was almost peaceful. Having Rhea in your presence when she was somewhat calm was pleasant. You wanted to hold onto this peacefulness for the rest of your life.

It took you by surprise when Rhea insisted on taking you directly to your door instead of just dropping you off in the front of the large building and ditching.

“You didn’t need to take me all the way up here.” You quietly mumbled as you unlocked the door to your apartment. “Lot’s of bad people around this time of night.” Rhea muttered as your door swung open.

You turned around to face the woman, her eyes peering over your head, scanning the entry of your apartment. “There’s bad people around all times of the day. I’m used to it.” You said quietly, her eyes returning to you.

An awkward silence filled the air as the both of you gazed upon each other. Rhea began rubbing her neck, “Uh…I should go. I’m gonna go.” She feebly stated before turning away from you, quickly walking down the hall. She had stormed off before you could even speak up.

Still no apology?

—

Multiple days had passed. Rhea had made no contact yet. You spent a concerning amount of time just staring at Rhea’s contact in your phone, debating if you should press the call button. Yet you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

She’d call if she cared enough.

It felt as if life had paused, your days seemed empty. The busy streets of New York City felt devoid of any livelihood. The live music that took place at work sounded muffled. The flavor of your favorite foods had been stripped away. Once colorful flowers sold down at the street market now sat dull.

Days just painfully repeated.

Tonight you had the night off, your only plans were to stare out the window of your bedroom and pray for a text from Rhea.

You sat criss-cross at the edge of your bed twiddling your thumbs, your mind seemingly empty as you stared into the windows of the skyscraper across the street when the sound of a knock echoed down your short hall.

Groaning in annoyance as you got up you began making your way to the door, chewing the inside of your cheek as your feet shuffled below you.

You weren't sure who you were expecting to be in the hall but it completely caught you by surprise when you swung the door open to see the dark haired woman waiting for you.

Without a word Rhea launched herself onto your lips, the force causing you to be pushed back a few inches.

Jesus Christ.

This felt like more than just a kiss, it had an intense amount of passion intertwined into it. Rhea’s hands gripped onto your waist as you backed into the apartment, her foot kicking the door behind her closed.

She had never kissed you in this way before. Before tonight you had only received measly pecks while the two of you had sex. It was never emotional.

Rhea slowly pulled away from your lips, both of your breaths were heavy as she finally spoke, “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Finally.

“God, I’ve treated you like shit and I have been such a dick. It’s been the only thing on my mind. You don’t deserve that, It’s not okay.” Rhea began rambling as you stared into each other's eyes. “I get it if you never want to see me again but please just give me a chance, I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll get my temperament under control, I’ll go to therapy, whatever you say I will do it.”

“Rhea-” You whispered, trying to calm her down but she continued her rant.

“I want to know you, more than just your body. I wanna know everything, The good, the bad, the boring…I wanna know what pisses you off and what makes you cry. I don’t know why I kept you a stranger for so long and I’m sorry for that.”

You led Rhea into your small living room as you listened to her rambling. You took a seat in your chaiser lounge and ushered her to sit in front of you as her speech continued on. “I don’t know why I ran away…I think it's cause I didn't want to hurt you. But I did hurt you, so badly. I don’t want to run away anymore, I had no right to ever hurt you the way I did, just for me to leave you alone right after. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done and I’ll never forgive myself for it. It’s just that I-”

“Rhea!” You slightly raised your voice causing Rhea to finally close her mouth. You leaned closer to her, placing a quick and gentle kiss on her lips. “You’re okay, don’t worry.” You comforted the woman, softly chuckling.

“I didn’t interrupt your night did I?” Rhea asked, slightly nervous as she scootched up closer to you. You shook your head no as a smile creeped on your face.

It didn’t take long for the two of you to end up in a heated makeout session, your hands roaming over one another's clothing. Rhea groaned your name against your lips before pulling back just a few centimeters.

“Please let me show you how sorry I am.” She practically pleaded, her eyes full of desperation, “Yes please” you quietly giggled, your eyes adoring the woman's face. The second Rhea heard the word yes echo from your mouth her lips went straight for your neck, causing a whimper to escape from you.

Rhea took her time as she kissed upon your neck, carefully leaving soft love bites every so often, marking the skin a flushed pink shade. Her lips only leaving your skin as she pulled off your sweater before she began peckering kisses against your collarbones.

Her hands crept behind your back, unclasping your bra and pulling it from your chest. Your fingers grazed upon Rhea’s tense shoulders as she left a path of kisses down your torso.

As Rhea’s face reached the base of your stomach, her eyes fixated on your face as if she was asking for your blessing. You gave her a nod before lifting your hips into the air, allowing her to slide your sweatpants off your legs.

“Rhea, please,” You whined out while Rhea’s fingers toyed with the seam of your panties. Rhea grinned to herself as she slowly shed the final layer of clothing off your body.

The woman wasted no time connecting her mouth to your heat, causing you to let out a breathy moan. “So fucking beautiful…” Rhea praised against your skin.

Truthfully, her tongue felt like heaven as it worked its way around your wetness. Rhea didn't want to rush you. This wasn't for her, she just wanted to make sure you knew she had the ability in her to change for the better.

Your breaths picked up their pace as Rhea’s hand inched its way closer to your core. Her ring and middle finger traced a circle around the perimeter of your entrance before slowly being pushed into you.

“Shit,” You whined out, your back arching as both Rhea’s tongue and digits worked their magic on you. Although you enjoyed roughhousing with the woman, you undoubtedly appreciated the amount of care Rhea was putting into you.

You were a whimpering mess under Rhea’s touch, and she loved every small sound that escaped from your mouth.

“More! Please, I can take it!” You begged for more of her. Rhea obliged, sliding her pointer finger into your tightness causing you to roll your eyes back as her fingers filled your insides.

“That’s it baby,” Rhea preached quietly when your hips began to rock against her fingers, your moans filling the room. “Such a good girl for me.” She added on before her tongue got back to sailing over your clit, her fingers picking up their pace.

Your legs tightened around Rhea’s head as your orgasm quickly approached. “C’mon sweet girl, let go.” Rhea’s encouraging words were muffled, your walls clenched around her curling fingers.

“Fuck Rhea!” You squealed out as the knot that filled your stomach released onto Rhea’s fingers. Your hips twitched into the air as the fingers inside of you helped you ride out your climax.

Rhea was grinning ear-to-ear as she slowly pulled her fingers out of your hole. She groaned in pleasure, licking her fingers clean.

She soon brought her face to meet yours, her plumped lips giving your jaw a kiss before whispering in your ear.

“How’s that for an apology, hm?”

Chapter Taglist: @babybatlover @whiteleoqueen @luvvleah @lovingperson1

#rhea ripley fanfic #rhea ripley angst #rhea ripley smut #rhea ripley x reader #rhea ripley x you #wwe smut #rhea ripley fanfiction

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yourfavoriteagent · 4 years ago

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Your Midnight Company Part 3

Hey guys! Here’s part 3 I promised! I hope you’re liking the series so far! I’m having a blast writing it!

Also found on my AO3: Here!

Content Warnings: None

It had been three days and you’ve only heard from Spencer a few times, he texted you briefly the first night he got there but other than that it’s been short check-in texts for the most part. One day he was waiting for his boss to get back and he had a moment to talk. He told you it was a rough case but they think they’re getting it and how he should be back within the week. He also mentioned how he was excited to see you again which made your heart do cartwheels in your chest.

———-

S: ’guess who’s coming home! :)’ ‘you???” S: ‘wow how’d you get that so quick? Yep! We lift off in an hour.’ ‘how was the case?’ S: ‘I can’t talk about it but it wasn’t an easy one, I’m just glad it’s over’ ‘aww, I'm sorry :/ I’m glad you’re coming home, unfortunately, I don’t work tmrw but I work Thursday so you should come in then!’ S: ’what if instead… I take you out to dinner tomorrow?” You stopped in your tracks, like a date? Was this a date? Are you two dating? ‘like a date?’ You pull the trigger and ask, terrified of his response, yeah he was cute and you did like him there was nothing to not like, you just didn’t want to look like an idiot and assume. S: ‘is that alright with you?’ ‘yes! That’s perfect with me! A date it is!’ you’re grinning from behind your phone, wow a date with Spencer Reid, sorry, Doctor Spencer Reid. S:’ I’ll pick you up at 7?’ ‘sounds great, I can’t wait.”

———

The next day drags on, every time you look at the clock it’s only been two minutes since the last time you looked. You have never sat through a longer one hour lecture in your life. Finally, it was 3 pm, your final lecture of the day. This one lasted until 4:30, you tried your best to read the slides your professor was putting up but every thought was about tonight. You had a whole outfit planned out, you knew exactly what makeup you would wear, the only problem is you have no idea where you’d be going, he could take you to McDonald's for all you know. The clock hits 4:30 while your professor is rambling about an essay due in a few weeks, you practically jump out of your seat when the professor dismisses the class. Okay, it would take you about 20 minutes to get home on the bus then you’d have like 2 hours to get ready. You’re planning out your time in your head so much you nearly miss your stop. You unlock your door and set your bag down, realizing you hadn’t heard much from Spencer today and he didn’t know where you lived, you’d been way too distracted with the thought of tonight and your classes.

‘hey cutie, did I give you my address?”

After sending the text along with your address you walked into your bedroom shucking off your clothes and setting out the dress you planned to wear tonight. The jumped in the shower washing everything you could think of, you were so nervous which is weird because you’ve spent a good amount of your time talking to him but somehow this was different. It was all real for the first time. You dry off and head back to your bedroom to slap on some makeup, you kept it elegant but simple, opting for a pair of subtle lashes and some tinted lip balm. You wanted the “you but better” look. You decided to go with loose curls in your hair, making it bouncy and smooth. Next, you slid on your dress, it was a dark green slip dress, nothing super fancy but still nice. The gold jewelry you paired with it stood out against the darkness of the dress. You were looking over yourself in the mirror when the doorbell rang, he was 3 minutes early. You rush down the hall with your flats in hand. You hoped you looked good as you threw open the door, trying your best to look like you hadn’t just run through your apartment. “Wow, you look amazing.” He smiled draping a black coat over his arm, he was wearing a white button-down with the top two buttons undone and a pair of nice black pants, you looked stunning. “I could say the same to you.” You were grinning ear to ear as you reached around the door to your side table where you grabbed your purse then you were out the door. He held his hand out to yours and walked you down your hallway and out into the cool night air. Thankfully it wasn’t raining tonight so the two of you walked a few blocks down to a nice Italian restaurant you've never eaten at, it had always looked too expensive for you, but he opened the door for you and the two of you walked right in. “Reservation for Dr. Reid.” He said to the woman at the front desk, she nodded and told him to follow her. She walked us through the tables until we got to the back where there was a table with a single candle on top. It was next to the window that showed off the lights of the city. It was beautiful. He pulled your chair out for you and sat down across from you. You were looking around the restaurant at all the hanging lights and paintings on the walls. “This place is so nice, Spencer you didn’t have to bring me here.” “Why would I not want to give you the best I could provide,” he smiled and reached across the table for your hands, “Besides, I pass this place on my way to work every day I’ve always dreamt of bringing the perfect girl here for the perfect night.” You blushed hard at this, “A hopeless romantic?” “You could say that.” He hadn’t stopped smiling since he picked you up. A waitress came by with two menus and water for both of you. He ordered a chicken alfredo and you got the mushroom ravioli, it was beyond delicious but also ridiculously expensive. I mean who would pay $27 for pasta? Apparently, Spencer would, he would buy even more, you two got a brownie with homemade ice-cream to share at the end of your date. Aside from the food you two talked, he talked a bit about his case, although not being able to provide too many details, apparently there was a serial killer in Boston that was preying on young girls, he said it like it was so standard. Almost like it was boring, you couldn’t imagine what it would take to shake him up. Before dessert, he pulled a brown paper wrapped package from his coat pocket and slid it across the table to you. “What’s this?” You ask. “It’s for you, I saw it in a bookshop in Boston and thought of you.” He smiled, “Go on, open it!” You tore at the wrapping uncovering a book. It was a gorgeous edition of The Ship of Theseus. You remembered talking about this the first day you two met. You put it in your Amazon wishlist of things to buy with your next paycheck but he already bought it for you. “Spencer, you didn’t have to! Thank you so much!” You flip the book over to look at all the detail of the cover. “I was hoping you hadn’t bought it for yourself already. I think you’ll like it.” He smiles, his eyes were bright and happy. It was a wonderful sight.

———

The check came but before the lady could come back with Spencer’s card he gets a call. “Sorry,” He says picking up the phone and starting to stand up. “This is Dr. Reid. I see. Okay, I’ll be there in ten.” “All good?” You ask as the woman comes back with the card. “Yeah I think so, I’m so sorry to ask this but I need to run to my office for a moment, would you mind coming with me? It’s just down the street, I’ll walk you home right after.” He looks at you apologetically, you guess this was not the perfect date night he had imagined for the two of you. “Oh, of course, I don’t mind at all. Is it okay that I’m there?” You ask getting up out of your seat and grabbing your purse. “Yeah, I’ll talk to Hotch it should be fine.” He takes your hand and you two walk out of the restaurant hand in hand. He wasn’t kidding when he said he passes this place on his way to work, he stopped at a building four doors down and handed you his coat. “Here, it’ll only be a second.” Then you stepped into the BAU for the first time.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine

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liu-lang · 4 years ago

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I took a few sips of my boyfriend’s coffee this morning and I’ve been jittery with a headache for the past 5 hours.

A big factor in my panic today is that the semester starts tmrw ! I’m taking 16 units (3 classes). Calculus is 5 units, python (computer science) is 4 units and linguistics is 3 units. Only python is synchronous as this is the first time they’re offering it ! Calc and ling are async and don’t have mandatory live class meetings. I looked at the syllabi for all my classes and know that as long as I am organised and disciplined I can handle this on top of my full-time job. Last semester I took precalc and data structures and the semester before tt I took Java and databases. So, so far I’ve been okay with 2 classes.

I really miss linguistics and this intro linguistics class is meant to be a refresher. I even used the same textbook in undergrad - an older edition though. Everything in the syllabus is familiar to me.

The python class has set class times Monday and Wednesday from 18h to 20h10. This is the same as my precalc class. Last semester, having live precalc class and a professor who concurrently was a full-time high school teacher was really good for my learning. The live lectures gave me an opportunity to ask questions and since he also had a full-time job outside of teaching us, he had very flexible deadlines for homework (just turn it in by the end of the semester). I was able turn my hw in on time every week until about November 2020 (so the last month of the semester) bc covid cases soared at work, my new boss was hired and I had to stay past 17h more often.

My data structures class was a struggle. It was asynchronous. It was the first time the prof was teaching this subject. She was very disorganised and didn’t publish or mark homework and quizzes on time. We went from 40 students to like 15 by the end of it. The syllabi was basically null where we would have multiple chapters overlap even though it was supposed to be 1 chapter per week bc she would publish things midweek. The keys to her exams were wrong and we would have to write her and justify why we should receive points for questions marked incorrectly. The only reason I survived was bc of the discord my classmates created.

I am afraid that I am taking on too much not because my job is intellectually difficult but that it is very tiring and the hours can vary. I wish I could use the bulk of my waking hours and energy on school instead. The part of me that has very high expectations for myself wants to do the best in all my classes and work and I know I can’t do that.

My calc class has optional live lecture on Mondays from 13h to 14h but I absolutely cannot stealthy participate. If I had a set lunch hour and a private place maybe I could. But I don’t have those, I pretty much work through my lunch and sit in an open shared area and I don’t want my employer to know I’m in school for something unrelated to my job. Everything will be recorded and viewable later. I wrote to the prof and asked about exam protocol. Luckily there is no live exam tt will be invigilated over zoom. We just have to turn the exam in before midnight on Friday. I am debating if I should I use my floating hours to maybe leave work 1 hour early on exam days ? The past semester I only took time off for the final exams.

If I wasn’t such an overachiever, I would be able to settle for just python and calculus. That seems like a more doable balance. I’m trying to convince myself tt my ling class will be an “easy” class but there are readings and discussion posts and essays tt you have to write. Another reason I’m piling these classes on now is that this may be the last semester tt is fully remote / online. Bc of my job I otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend these classes if they were offered in the day time.

I’m already panicking a bit and tempted to just drop all my classes and focus on work. I know all these choices are in my power. I get to choose what I want to do. I am in a privileged position where I have a full-time job and with this money I earn I can attend community college on top of already having my BA. But I also think about people who have the luxury and financial means to not work and just focus on school. I think about ppl who are born into generational wealth and they don’t have to be as pragmatic about what they do, they can ~follow their dreams~, they don’t have to think about supporting their family members or sending money back home or wonder about how/if their parents will be able to retire.

Every time I think about just working and not doing school at the same I’m reminded that I’m an immigrant and my mum did not bring me here for me not to try my best, for me not to make the most of the one life I have.

#personal #work

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pairodicelost · 4 years ago

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something needs to change soon bc i have so much i wanna do and make, and the dead weight of my own body and the prolonged suffering i dip in and out of is just untenable

had a well and truly terrible mental health day on tues... monday night was acute suffering and rumination and DAMAGED GOODS feeling, I drunk drafted an email to [redacted] shedding light on [redacted] (amazingly articulate, graceful even? though a tad dramatic), I drank gin, I went to bed. set off by watching vids of a young person i follow having a manic sobbing laughing undressed spiral online which really just grabbed my heart by the throat. Tuesday I couldnt get up until 3pm, and Angel sneezed so I panicked, either lung cancer or dust from her bedding (which i’d been changing daily!!) so I deep cleaned her cage extremely, held her on me almost the whole time, spent hours with her really while I did it and drank coffee and swept the house and handwashed her cloths and sewed things for her cage and then suddenly, cried and cried for awhile while she crawled on my shoulders. then made rly good dinner bc cooking is now something i like????

facetimed my sister super grumpy from my bad day and she was sour too, bad day on her end, rude boss, lotsa pressure, but she practiced delivering her presentation of the neuroscience data she gleaned and described in her (first! ever!) published manuscript/experiment. somehow cheered each other up. went to bed sober and not too late.

I am struggling to write and struggling to paint, collage with words is completely off the table lately bc my brain just convulses and turns into a wet towel and cannot focus. I think I need to aggressively enforce a week of NO MAKING ANYTHING, its okay to just cook and watch movies and play with the rats. No drawing or painting and most of all no shame over that. my self worth is all wrapped up in it, im supposed to be wildly productive in all my downtime so that I est a body of work, all weekend and all week nights go to this second life which will emerge - and I just gotta stop and chill tf out with making that my identity and my everything. this is about cooking! im worried about money all the time (bad bad bad, youre supposed to exercise gratitude and act and believe as if you already have the things you want, you know this!) but I have an overflowing pantry and a full fridge and freezer (its a minifridge and freezer lmao) and lately, unable to finish projects or deal with words, I’ve gotten into cooking! and baking! it keeps the kitchen warm, too, and is profoundly comforting.

french onion soup, nondairy tomato soup, brussel sprouts roasted with potatoes dressed in balsamic + garlic with eggs fried in there, butternut squash

so something is level and good within me, i suspect a lot of things are getting there.

today:

1. get to fedex/office depot and make 50 copies of zine

1.5. mail 2 maya while there

2. pick up carriers for the babes

3. assemble zines at home to send tmrw

4. get rid of a ton of the paper scraps and ephemera I’ve been hauling around the country for ten yrs. collage and material belongings are stressful rn so best be rid of em. clear desk and files. make sewing stuff accessible.

5. prep batch of mail - for C in Fresno, R’s forgotten birthday card, MK’s thank you, grandparents, C + M, early bday to T??? and J in NC and E.

It’s funny though bc the new rat just hung with me for over an hr while I wait on hold with unemployment and I have little pulled-apart raspberries and carrot slices on an old open journal and my coffeetable is littered with envelopes and a banker’s lamp and nail polish pain meds allergy meds earache oil chapstick toothpaste lighter mouthguard and also an open bottle of charles shaw right next to a mcdonald’s cup i’ve been using for days to drink water out of bc the straw really helps, and super floral-smelling black tea i just made myself and I looked at this mess and thought to myself “is this happiness? i think maybe i’m really happy.”

#practically a journal entry

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imaginesforyourfandom · 5 years ago

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So I had a sort of problem and I need some help figuring it out maybe you and your friends can help me? So I work at this store and I’m surrounded by really nice friendly people and I’m like really happy to be there, but I also started sort of developing a crush on my boss which I hate. She’s really stunning I mean she’s totally my type but I don’t know if she’s into girls or not. She’s really accepting of everyone’s sexuality and gender and I mean she’s an absolute doll. Doing another message

Okay anyways I noticed that I work more shifts with her than I do with anyone else. Shes always interested in everyone’s love life so one day me and the other guy asked her about hers and she said it was nonexistent which same but still like I mean she’s super gorgeous. The big issue is she’s my boss and I can’t get her out of my head. On top of all that she tends to keep me later than the others not that I mind but like I’m so confused. She wasn’t at work last week which threw everyone off- (2/3)

Like I mean it really threw everyone off. But my issue as you can see is one not knowing whether or not she’s even interested in girls and two I can’t get her out of my head which has never happened before and it’s really concerning for me. What do I do? Do I just pine over her or do I just accept it’s not likely she’ll ever be interested in girls and move on or do I just find someone else to pine over because the last one isn’t working? Send help! I have to work w her tmrw and my 🧠 can’t do it (3/3)

My response:

Okay my dude listen...I get having a crush on a girl that is super pretty and gorgeous and stuff. For me it is a no go on dating your boss, you should not do that. I know its hard because you got some strong feelings and you can’t get her out of your head, but there are many problems with dating your boss because there are things like abuse of power to consider. If it were to end badly, and you would continue having to work together. Too many issues. Plus, you don’t know if she likes girls. There really is no great way to find that out without being just a little invasive. I would just try to focus on something else. Doesn’t have to be a different person, but maybe focus on the work more than the gorgeous woman.

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latenightscribbles13 · 7 years ago

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We will be okay (pt. 5)