#ALSO I find it funny that people say the color combination is ugly bc 1. they used the huntsman's palette is an obvious reference

[blanketorghost]

Ironic how the least high fashion and out of place fit of the lux couture line is the one the fandom likes the most

[majicmarker]

so i’ve had a lot on my mind lately — the good, the bad, the ugly, you know the drill. i’m used to the bad and the ugly, but i think (and ofc by my therapist’s rec) i need to give a little credit to the good, too. not to mention the good is largely comprised of people, and those people deserve a sports stadium wave, yk? idk shit abt sports, whatever, but i know what the wave is and it’s like the grandest gesture i can think of, SO

listen, y’all. to get real here, i hate fandom. my time spent therein has been hit-or-miss, but the misses got me hard and contributed to some major self-loathing, etc etc. we’re not gonna get into the specifics, i don’t owe that to anyone, but suffice it to say things got Rough.

but so much of it can be so, so good. and rn i want to keep on my rose-colored glasses, and the rosiest parts for me have always been @kitten1618x and @mygutsforgarters

(quite a few others, too, but i no longer have everyone’s info. and some ppl are newer friends, or relationships that have moved more slowly. i have mad love for u guys too, obvs, but ik melissa and gus irl so we know each other More and they’re who this post is rly about atm. pls know i don’t want to harsh on anyone’s feelings)

the tl;dr version of events is i met them both via fanfic. i happened upon theirs like “bitch!!!! **i** wanna do this, they’re bomb as hell” and then i made them be friends w me. they’ll tell you they wanted to be friends w me first, but that’s not important bc **i** am the one making this post, so they can both like,, suck it.

ANYWAY.

@ melissa : so bitch listen. here’s the thing abt melissa…… i found her while browsing jonsa fic back when i cared abt GOT, and she brought me back to what i loved so much abt romance when i first started, way back in junior high, what’s up. i bad a fascination w historial romantic epics for a loooooong time — those formative yrs, amirite ladies??? — but girl i could never write it so well as melissa. immediately she struck this balance between the drama you expect from historicals and the levity of a good romance, and i was just like, “hand to god this woman must be published already, surely???”

(she’s not, but that’s ridiculous so we’re gonna skip that)

(also she’s busy?? we’ve been friends for like six years and i will never know how many kids she actually has, but the point is she’s a goddamn superhero and i’m obsessed w her, MOVING ON)

i just Had to be her friend for two reasons: 1) she’s too talented, and b) i have said that abt 2 ppl my entire life and she was the first, so i was like, “AH YES MY HOLY GRAIL”

so ofc i slid into her DMs just as effectively as that one guy i had a crush on when i was sixteen and he’s still shooting me texts every valentine’s day bc of the societal pressures i guess (it is Far Less Effective these days, he’s my age and therefore too young for me, gross, but i digress), except me and melissa go way stronger.

she reminded me of why, half a lifetime ago, i started writing romance — bc it’s fun, bc i want to. bc i can do absolutely anything i want, bc who else is gonna read it but me and whoever i share it with? it was all up to me what i wanted to do with it, and i could do anything. nothing really mattered but what i wanted, and i hadn’t felt that way abt anything in such a long time — let alone abt something i used to love so much.

melissa’s writing is so beautiful, it’s everything i wanted to achieve when i was fifteen and never got around to perfecting. and i’m totally okay w that now, bc what do i need to do myself that she’s not already doing/wants to do in the future? when i found melissa’s writing i found a missing part of me — a part i’d maybe lost, maybe i gave it up, idk, but it was totally gone until i found her fics and they fucking clicked. i had to reach out bc there was a part of me that was a part of her, and she helped me find that again w/o even knowing it.

so i found melissa via GOT, and from the start she’d been trying to get me to write some bethyl. years and years, she dropped not-so-subtle hints — and by “hints,” i mean legit directives that i watch just enough TWD to write her some beth/daryl fic. real crafty, she is.

eventually the stars aligned: i was bored w the same dynamics i’d been writing for years, i wanted smthn new, i was restless, i was line editing a bethyl fic she’d written, and — again — this shit clicked. her fic made me want to explore this dynamic i’d never done before, so i watched the prerequisite episodes (no more than that tho, i super hate the show and i’m begging y’all to not @ me abt it anymore). i found smthn that i’d been missing, smthn that challenged and excited me and brought me back around to why i love romance and, more importantly, why i want to write it myself.

so as i was starting to write bethyl, i was poking around the ao3 tag to get a feel for what had been done, what hadn’t, anything i might be missing. and goddamn BAM —

@ gus : this is where u enter dramatically thru a red velvet curtain that i don’t wanna touch (Metaphorically bc you do romance better than me and i’m cool w that bc your talent simply Cannot be touched, and Literally bc i hate velvet) — i was like, “please for the love of god let her want to write contemporary romance, i need some good fckin food”

i happened upon “doo wah diddy diddy” first. ofc the summary hooked me, forget my usual hard no against pregnancy fics (i have issues w pregnancy and that’s all anybody Needs to know, back off), but This Bitch !!!!!!! has a way with words and i wanted to be friends w her straightaway. lmao too bad for her, now she’s stuck w me

gus’s fics gave me what i wanted without having to write it myself. her style is so distinctive, she hits the notes between porn and Actual Affection that is missing from uhhhh, every romance i’ve tried?? (why is everyone so intent on the sex part?? fckin chill. at best it’s unrelatable and at worst u sound like u’d rather wear someone than fuck them, check urself)

she writes w such care, she wants you to know what she’s doing here, and what she’s doing here is combining the physical and emotional needs of both characters w/o infringing on anyone’s comfortability. you root for these characters bc they simply want to be together, no strings (and if there are strings, damn, they talk abt it).

gus makes you believe in love in the modern age. like, not to sound like one of those ppl who post fckin “no one in this generation knows how to love!!!1!!11!!” memes on facebook, those are dumb, but gus’s writing made me think “yeah man, love ain’t dead, it’s just abt how we approach it.”

(if y’all haven’t guessed yet, i have some hang-ups abt relationships. i’ve goddamn earned those. but melissa and gus both brought me back to where i needed to be — in this place where, yeah, we’ve got some shit to deal with, but we all still deserve the things we want, and those things are achievable. i could not have gotten here without them, so jot that down.)

gus is Real, she’s funny, she’s unapologetic in the way she writes. ofc she has her personal hurdles, but who doesn’t?? and tbh nobody writes a sex scene like gus does. physical, realistic, but balanced w the emotional depth that makes you root for these characters bc you can Feel how much they want each other — not just sexually, but in the less-erotic aftermath of that passion. it continues to blow my mind, bc i’ve never seen anyone do what she does. i can’t even pinpoint the specifics, bc she just… Does It. and you’re reading it like “yeah bitch that’s it,” and That’s It.

it’s fckin wild.

these two — my best friends, the lights of my life, both of whom always make me crave chicken tenders at THE most inconvenient hours bc somehow we always talk abt chicken or ice cream or ultimately DQ, but they're both so hot idec — have something special.

i really, really want them both to know that: it’s not just in how they’ve treated me as a friend, but who they are as people, in their creative pursuits. i’ve never known support the way they’ve shown me; i’ve never known this much enthusiasm or investment or belief that i can do what i want with my talent. i want them to know that i feel the same way abt them and their works.

sometimes, when i look back at their writing that completely kicked my ass, i still can’t believe that they’ve become two of my best friends. it’s totally bonkers. they’re This Talented, and they wanna be friends w my spastic ass? GIRL. i’m out.

i’m not always the best at being present, at giving people what they need when they need it. but with everything that melissa and gus have given me in the past few years, i need them to know this — honey!!! i need all y’all to know this, bc i know fandom shit is hard, but you should know some of these friendships are so, so worth all that bullshit, so —

they have so much to give, so much to say, so much to offer. i could not have kept going without them. i couldn’t believe in myself without the faith they’ve given to me. i hope that i can always give that same faith right back.

and that, babes, is what real soulmates are all about.

[upwardeath]

answer 11 questions, tag people and ask 11 questions (tagged by @lsfp @cognitionis-amor @venusian-prince @kishka) thanks dudes. I’m combing the first two sets of questions I was tagged in, and I gotta jet so can’t do them all rn

lsfp/cognition-amor questions:

1. What’s your favorite music genre/movie genre/book genre and why?

I guess alternative would be my favorite, I enjoy finding obscure or independent artists, I can spend hours on Spotify if I’m not careful. Movies, well I go for anything that combines drama and psychological. But I enjoy sci-fi and rom com as well, I’m a romantic. And yeah I get into all the typical Ni shit. I like classic lit a lot and apocalyptic/post apocalyptic/sci-fi books most.

2. Where do you see yourself five years from now? Ten years from now?

Funny you should ask, bc I’m currently very undecided about my future, I’m leaving the education field and leaning toward psychology, but I’m also considering a graphic design/advertising strategy role. But I’m fighting strong ‘fuck it’ inclinations atm. SO, 5 years from now, I hope to be settled somewhere that challenges me and also satisfies my passions. 10 years, happy and in control of that bitch, anger.

3. What’s a quality you always admire in others and never get tired of?

The ability to truly forgive, bc fuck if I could ever figure out how. Also, the ability to be vulnerable, because while I can be with a select few, it still kills me, but in the name of being authentic, I value it and want to get better at it.

4. What in the world/universe/human mind just ABSOLUTELY fascinates you?

How spirituality intersects with psychology. How physiology intersects with psychology/mental health. All psychology, how the brain works, neuroscience, sports strategy, relationships, love. Existentialism, anything ‘dark’ and mysterious. The idea of absolute truth.

5. Have you ever been proven wrong about a person’s character for the better?

Fuck yeah. There have been many times I was rubbed wrong by God knows whatever hunch I had at first. I find that no matter how good my magicalTM Ni/Se abilities are uwu (I’ll clarify right here bc I’ve been known to be misunderstood on this, but I’m very sarcastic and ironical when I say things like this), tert Fi can be a bitch when looping as it can be susceptible to using Te to support it’s schemes with Ni. And sometimes it can’t be trusted, but the more self-aware I become, the more obvious it becomes when this is happening, when I’m falsely basing my hunch on some shit-sensitive feeling I had. LOL. I’ve experienced the enemies to friends trope a couple of times actually. And I love it.

6. How do your favorite aesthetics make you feel and why? What aesthetic do you find rly ugly?

Connected to some deeper understanding and satisfied, because they put my inner world into something tangible. Ugly? LOL. Anything but my own uwu. Kidding, ummm, colors that clash, like I can’t explain it. I may have inf Se, but I think I have a decent eye. Shrug.

7. Would you kill someone?

Only in defense of others, and in a heartbeat if needed.

8. Who would you die for?

People I love, I think, but uh maybe not idk.

9. What method of suicide would you prefer? (Even if you aren't suicidal, please don't kill yourself cause i asked this oh my God). If someone killed you how would you probably get killed?

Gun to the head. If someone else killed me, I’d probably die because I didn’t back down to a threat of some sort. Likely some chaotic good scenario. I mean I do some crazy shit, but sp keeps me in check most of the time.

10. Is there hope for humanity?

Yes. But I hope I die before it ever comes time to test this theory. Like apocalyptic shit. But I hope God saves us from whatever fate we have in store. Actually, I hope I’m alive to save humanity tbh. Yeah I’m stupid I know.

11. On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad was the worst pain you ever felt?

I have a high pain tolerance so the scale is skewed imo. I guess that time I had my gut knifed open by... jk. Lol. I don’t know. I’m having a hard time remembering. As into extreme sports as I am, I surprisingly haven’t had too many injuries other than bruises and some broken bones which weren’t very painful. I’m very prepared for stuff like that and don’t put myself in situations I don’t think I can handle, and thanks to genetics I’m pretty good at that stuff. I think nagging pain is worse tbh, I’d rather get shit over with. So maybe tooth pain? Cause you feel it in your head and it makes you want to rip them out. I’ll give it a 7.

Venusian-prince questions:

1. do you believe in romantic soulmates, if so, multiple or just one?

Yeah, just one, and i also think your soulmate doesn’t have to be romantic.

2. thoughts on religion? do you practice anything?

Raised Christian, currently having an existential crisis, so no fucking clue what I believe, but i do know what i don’t believe.

3. believe in magic? 

No, but the concept is cool.

4. describe your absolute perfect / idealized partner

Someone nicer than me and better at dealing with their emotions. But not in denial or devoid of them. xstp tbh. An edgy nerd. Someone who will do Se shit with me and also talk about interesting stuff. Someone who doesn’t poopoo my big emotions and crazy mind but also calls me out on shit. Someone hot.

5. what is a little quirk/nuance about you, that not a lot of people know?

Idk I’m tall. 5’11” to be exact. Yes I played basketball in college. I seem very serious, but I’m actually quite playful and I love to laugh, only with certain people of course.

6. what is the perfect weather for you, and why do you like it that way?

65 degrees. Dry. I sweat easily and I don’t love hot. Humidity sucks.

7. first thing you think about when you wake up? last thing you think about when you go to bed? (be honest!!!!)

I need to pee and i wish i could sleep longer. Sex and i hate myself.

8. name something about yourself you highly value & appreciate 

My advice-giving abilities, my passion.

9. have any regrets? if so, why?

I regret hurting some loved ones with my anger. Ugh. Why, bc my anger/pain is no excuse.

10. how do you deal with your negative emotions? 

Drink them away when disintegrating/gripping. I punch the hell out of my punching bag, workout. Drive/walk around at all hours of the night brooding. Writing. Drawing. EMDR therapy. Talk therapy. Talking with this one person. Or I just don’t deal.

11. have you ever been obsessive / addicted to anything?

Chapstick, salsa, I’m probably addicted to coffee. I obsess over trying new beer/whiskey. I wax the hair off my arms obsessively.

My questions (I’m yoinking some from others):

1. Names you find beautiful?

2. What’s a song that embodies you as a person best?

3. Do you have any weird/out-there theories? What are they if I may ask?

4. Do you have a favorite enneagram/mbti type?

5. What’s the thing that annoys you most?

6. Where would you live if you could choose one place in the world?

7. What are your hobbies?

8. What are your religious beliefs, if any?

9. Do you like pizza? Yes or no?

10. Do you have any vices and what are they?

11. What’s something random you were thinking about today?

not gonna tag anyone cause I think most have been tagged already