#ALSO! i am lucky that i’ve been able to afford 3 chairs over the years. plenty of people can barely afford 1

[phleb0tomist]

one thing no one tells u about being a wheelchair user is that if you’re anything like me you will probably need like 3 wheelchairs. and yes that means triple the expense, triple the storage, triple the hassle. my best chair is my powerchair, and in my ideal world i’d take it everywhere but it can’t manage slopes steeper than 7 degrees, or rainy weather, or kerbs. so on rainy days or at places with sloped driveways, i have to take my manual wheelchair instead, which is annoying because someone else has to push me, but hey, at least it can tolerate rain and slopes. HOWEVER! the manual chair can’t manage nature. so if i go anywhere that has grass or dirt paths, i have to bring my outdoor manual chair, which is much tougher - but! the outdoor chair is bulky and can’t fit through a lot of doorways.

i only leave my room for a couple of hours a week and yet i still need 3 wheelchairs to cover all variables. this is wild to me. why isn’t there a chair that just works. maybe ive got my head in the clouds

other variables - you can get tougher powerchairs which can do outdoor terrain, BUT, those types of chairs are never foldable and they often weigh over 100lbs. my powerchair needs to be foldable and VERY light (under 50lbs) because it has to be possible for my carer to lift it into our car by hand bc we don’t own an accessible van - yet another variable. unless your chair is foldable and liftable, you will need a modified vehicle. you can’t have a strong chair and a normal car. it never ends bro

[nightshade-minho]

3021:Starless

-(1)-

Warnings: Nothing much for this chapter. Scenes of mild violence. Future smut. Please view the teasers before reading this part.

Word Count: 2.9k

Hyunjin x fem! Reader, Minho x fem! Reader, Jisung x fem! Reader

A rainy summer’s day. 

Oxymoronic, yes...but what was Neos, if not a city of oxymorons? 

The larger part of the city was crammed with skyscrapers, packed atop each other. The streets were filled with rich cyborgs and their androids, chatting away on their neodisks and living their glamorous, expensive lives. 

The rain definitely wasn’t affecting them too much. Water-resistant metal plating and advanced technology made it possible for them to live their lives as usual, despite the heavy downpour.

However, things were different out here. The outskirts of the city were a lot quieter, the streets empty and deserted. There were no skyscrapers here, just sad-looking buildings and dilapidated abodes. Here, nearly everyone was made of junk and scrap metal dating back to 2032- the rain was a huge inconvenience for most.

As you walked down the street, you made sure to wrap your cloak around you tighter. You couldn’t afford any repairs at the moment. 

Though that would change soon, once you finally manage to earn your Phantom license. You smiled as you thought about the crescents you’d win with each bounty. You’d finally be able to buy a new arm...

Two fingers in your right arm had stopped working years ago- you’d made do with it till now, but being a Phantom meant that you would need your bionic arm to be fully functional, since it was your dominant one. You’d learnt to use your left hand to carry out most tasks- though it was flesh and bone, and weaker than your right, it was definitely more reliable. It never glitched out on you. 

Sometimes, you wished you were entirely human. Being one of the 98% of Xaliens who were technologically advanced definitely had its perks- but it was also expensive. You were glad for Mr. Han’s discounts. 

You continued walking, the icy cold air biting at your skin, and making you shiver. It was supposed to be summer. You sighed, humming a tune to yourself as you made your way to the shop.

Beep.

Fuck.

That sound could only mean one thing. You paused, the low beeping resonating in your head as you inhaled deeply.

1...2...3-

You swivelled around, slipping your dagger out from your waistband in the process and swinging it at the spindly-legged automaton that had been creeping up on you. As soon as the knife made contact with its large, blue eye, it started glitching, convulsing for a few seconds before dying.

Your chest heaved, eyes wide as you stared at the dead machine. Inching closer, you ripped your knife out of its metal, tucking it back into your pants as you crouched to inspect it closely. 

Your suspicions were correct. You pulled your neodisk out of your pocket, scrolling through the news. It only confirmed what you already knew. 

It was a Zenx, though it seemed to be a newer model...it looked a lot more advanced than the ones you'd seen photos of. The arrival of the mysterious, hostile androids had been all the news were filled with, recently. Nobody knew where they came from, who was controlling them or what their purpose was. The royal family had offered the people in the poorer areas of the city a generous amount of crescents if they caught the Zenx and sent them along to the palace for observation. The ones who would sign up were to be called the Phantoms.

It was the very reason you were walking down the street to the workshop, despite it being past curfew. Tomorrow, the applications to be a Phantom would have to be filled and submitted. If you wanted to be a cyber-assassin, you’d have to have two fully functioning arms.

You flipped the machine over onto its side. Unlike most androids, these weren’t humanoid. They were strangely creature-like. You took note of the numbers and symbols on its plated metal belly, mentally jotting them down. Wrenching the plate off of it, you pocketed it with a groan. Maybe Jisung could take a look at it, tell you what you needed to know.

You stood up, sighing as you turned around- only to be met with a dark figure standing right in front of you.

Your eyes narrowed, tilting your head at the hooded man and rolling your eyes.

"I know it's you, Minho."

He let out a grunt of frustration, whipping the hood of his cloak off. "Its unfair, really. You're literally scared of nothing...you sure you're a cyborg and not an android?"

"Hmm...You had your hood on. Maybe I would have been scared if you'd shown me your face."

"Har di har." Minho chuckled. "You know you like my face, baby."

You wrinkled your nose. "Don't call me that. And I don't...like your face-" You stammered a little as he came closer, nose almost brushing against yours.

"Yeah? Why are you blushing, then?"

Your eyes widened as you tried to keep your composure. "I am not blushing." You put your hands on his chest and pushed him away slightly.

He shrugged, looking past you at the upturned machine.

"Woah. Is that a Zenx?"

"Maybe."

"You killed it? Alone? Without any government issued weapons?" He asked incredulously.

You glared at him. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"It's just a little surprising, that's all." He smirks at you. "You're a bit of a badass, hm? But all I have to do to get you flustered is lean a little closer."

You frowned at him. "That's not true." 

Your watch suddenly let out a beep, and you grunted, standing up and scowling at him.

"I have somewhere to go. Leave me alone." You started walking away from him, sighing as you heard his footsteps follow you. Whipping around, you crossed your arms.

"Honestly, do you have nothing better to do? Are you stalking me or something?"

"You wish, princess. I just happen to be in the same places you are."

You pressed your lips together, rolling your eyes and turning away again, walking a little faster...but he was still right next to you, strolling along beside you as he hummed under his breath.

You stopped, making him stop as well.

"Fucking leave."

"No can do. You think I'm just going to leave you alone, especially after you just got attacked? These streets aren't safe." There was no teasing lilt to his words anymore, and his voice was firm as he looked at you. "I'm walking you to wherever you're going."

"No you're not." You said, trying to keep your tone chilly. "I can take care of myself, okay? I don't need you. I don't need anyone." You snarled.

"Calm down."

"You're lucky my middle finger isn't working." You grumbled under your breath, turning away and walking as fast as you could. 

A minute later, you looked behind you, but he was gone. You pushed down the slight disappointment in your heart, and continued on your path.

A few minutes later, you were finally there. You knocked twice on the shutter, tapping your foot impatiently.

Seconds passed by with no response. You couldn’t shout, since you were supposed to be inconspicuous. About four whole minutes passed before he finally opened the shutter.

“Finally! What the fuck, Sung? You knew I was coming at this time.”

He fiddled with his fingers, avoiding eye contact. “I know. It’s just...I feel like Dad’s getting worse. I was feeding him.”

Your glare disappeared, your expression softening. “Oh...sorry.”

Jisung looked up at you. “What are you apologizing for?”

“I just...feel guilty. I could have signed up earlier, if I hadn’t spilled coffee on my hand...I’m so fucking careless.”

“Y/n. You’re doing more than enough to help.” He met your eyes, sighing and looking away again.  “Seriously...you don’t have to do this.”

You shook your head firmly. “I will. Mr. Han’s the closest thing I’ve had to a father. I’m not prepared to lose him yet. Besides, once I become a Phantom, I’ll have more crescents than I know what to do with.”

You moved closer, slipping your hood off and brushing a hand through your hair as you gave him a soft smile. “I’ll have more than enough money to take him to the city, and get him admitted in one of the best hospitals. We can finally move out of this shitty neighborhood. I promise you.”

Jisung gave you a weak smile, watching you as you pushed past him, making your way to the reclining chair in the corner of the workshop and collapsing onto it. 

You held your hand out. “But in order to make crescents, I need to become a Phantom. And to do that, I need my hand to work right, and I need to be fully charged to pass all my tests tomorrow.”

He chuckled, rolling his sleeves up and flopping onto his chair, rolling over to you. He took your arm, turning it slightly and inspecting it closely. 

“Hmm, you really do need a new arm.” He hummed under his breath, grabbing his oculus from the table and peering through it. He held your arm with one hand, using his other to lift each of your fingers individually. 

“Hmm, okay. I think I have replacements for your fingers lying around here somewhere...” He rolled to his desk, rummaging through a drawer and pulling out a box filled with prostheses. He scoured it for a few minutes before finally pulling out the appropriate parts.

Coming back over to you, he cocked his head to the side.

“What’s wrong? You look...sad.”

He felt his heart beat a little faster as you looked at him, making eye contact with him. “I’m not sad...just a little nervous, that’s all.”

“You don’t need to be. You’re going to be great. I’ve never met someone so strong, powerful and badass as you.”

“Yeah? Well, I’ve never met someone as kind and funn-”

“Can you lovebirds get a room or something?”

You looked up, laughing as you spotted Jeongin enter, his apron streaked with soot. Jisung’s cheeks turned redder than a tomato, his grip on your hand loosening a little.

“Seriously, though. Jisung, you’re supposed to be working on her, not gushing over her-”

“Hey! Remember you’re supposed to be my a-assistant!” He stuttered. “So instead of running your mouth, come over here and hand me my tools.”

Jeongin smiled, walking forward and lifting the wire up from the floor. Plugging it into the socket, he handed the other end to Jisung.

Jisung stood up, gently brushing your hair behind your ear, heart jumping in his chest as he did so. Exposing the circular socket on your head, he attached the wires to it, turning to arrange his tools as you made yourself a little more comfortable. The whirring sound combined with Jisung’s humming had a calming effect on you, your eyes slowly closing. 

Jisung watched as you fell asleep, sighing as he got to work, detaching your arm with his screwdriver as gently as he could. 

“You’re so fucking whipped.” Jeongin called, handing Jisung the prostheses.

“Shut up.” Jisung growled, adjusting the oculus attached to his eye as he unscrewed your middle finger and thumb, attaching the new ones with some difficulty. Your arm was an old make- how he wished he had the crescents to get you a new one. 

You’ve always been his...guardian angel, for lack of a better word. He wished, for once, he could be the one to protect you. Jisung admired your strength, your tenacity and determination. However...sometimes, just sometimes, he wondered why he couldn’t be the same. 

“Seriously though, Hyung...you really need to stop giving her those heart-eyes and just confess, already.”

Jisung looked up at Jeongin, frown settling on his features. “It’s not that simple.” He glanced over at you, eyes still closed as the machine charged the processor embedded in your brain. “She’s not the type to be bothered with things like romance. We’re just friends. In fact, I’m pretty sure she once said I’m like a brother to her.”

Jeongin stayed silent, not wanting to say much more. 

There wasn’t really any point in protesting really, because what Jisung said was true, more or less. Love just wasn’t on your agenda. 

Jisung shook his head at the boy’s silence, affixing your arm back to you and humming as he did so. He stole glances at your peaceful face from time to time, his heart jumping in his chest.

Maybe one day.

You blinked repeatedly, trying to get your eyes to adjust to the light in the room. Sitting up a little, your eyes landed on Jisung, his back facing you as he worked on something at his desk. You cleared your throat, causing him to turn around and look at you.

“Ah! I didn’t realize you woke up...” He came over, unplugging you. “How are you feeling? Fingers?”

“Yeah, I feel so much more refreshed now.” You lifted up your arm, moving your fingers and making a small sound of delight. “Thank you so much.” You smiled up at him, getting up to wrap your arms around him, hugging him tightly. Jisung felt his heartbeat speed up, hesitating as he let his hands rest on your waist. All his senses were flooded with you...he almost forgot how to breathe for a second.

It felt too good to have you in his arms. It was scary.

When you finally pulled away, you went over to the corner to grab your cloak, fastening it around you as he felt his heart drop. He didn’t want you to leave yet.

“Hey...wait, let me walk you home.”

“Oh no, I’ll be fine, Sung. You don’t have to do that...besides Mr. Han needs you.”

“Um, Dad’s asleep. Please? Jeongin already left...and I just wanna talk. We haven’t had a proper talk in ages.”

You sighed, pausing. “Fine.”

Jisung walked alongside you as you kicked a small pebble with your foot. The subway tunnels were long abandoned, and you often came here for some peace and quiet. It was also the safest place to take a walk, considering it was after curfew.

“So...how nervous are you? For tomorrow?”

“Just...a little.”

“Don’t be. I know you’ll do great. I can come watch, right?”

“Yeah, I think it’s open to the public...which is why I really don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of so many people.”

“Hmm...don’t worry, it’s going to be a piece of cake for you. I’ve seen you train, Y/n. You’ll be able to handle any challenge they throw at you.”

Suddenly, you remembered the weight in your pocket, eyes widening. “Oh wait...um. I almost forgot to show you...before I came here, I crossed paths with one of them.”

“Them? What?”

“A Zenx. I killed it.”

“Wha...what!?” Jisung spluttered, shocked at the nonchalance with which you uttered those words. You pulled out the piece of metal from your pocket, handing it to him. He stared at it with wide eyes, hands trembling a little as he took it from you, turning it over as he inspected it. 

“Y/n...this looks so different from what I’ve seen online...”

“Yeah. They seem to be getting more advanced. I wonder who’s upgrading them...”

“Hmm, it doesn’t have to be a who...but it’s possible. Y/n, you really killed it alone? That could have been dangerous.”

You rolled your eyes. “Please. You’re the one who said I was capable enough.”

“Yeah, but...” He sighed. “I’m sorry. Just a little concerned, that’s all.” He smiled at you. “Now I’m even more convinced that you’re going to be amazing tomorrow.”

You smiled, looking at the floor as you continued along the tunnel.

“So?” You gestured to the plate in Jisung’s hand.

“I left my oculus back home.” He pocketed it, “I’ll inspect it at the workshop... I’ve been reading up on the Zenx lately. Very little information....not much to go off of, but I suspect that...”

You squinted a little as Jisung went off on a tangent, gesticulating as he talked...you tuned him out. Your eyes had noticed something. You blinked, wondering if it was a trick of the light. 

Something...was lying on the tracks. Humanoid, it was panting....you stopped Jisung with your arm stretched out, staring at the body that was a short distance away from you. Jisung looked at you with a confused expression, following your gaze and gasping as he noticed it too.

“What the FUCK is that-”

“Shh!”

The figure was lying facedown, writhing a little as it struggled to get to its feet. 

You and Jisung shared a look, considering what to do. Putting a finger on your lips, you slowly approached the body, carefully trying your best to not make a sound. Jisung followed, trying his best to be quiet...but as he took another step with his heavy boot, the stones crunched beneath his feet.

The figure looked up, eyes landing right on you, who was closer to it.

Beautiful, onyx eyes..shiny hair and plump lips...you recognized it. Him.

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His face twisted into an expression filled with fear and confusion. “P-please...help me...” He begged, crawling a little closer. Jisung grabbed your wrist, trying to pull you away a little, but you stayed put, eyes trained on the man in front of you, brain going into overdrive as you tried to figure out what was happening.

“I- Y/n, he’s-”

“H-hwang Hyunjin.” The man choked out, his voice glitching a little as he collapsed right in front of you, eyes closed as he fell unconscious.

H88.

[imaginingsoftly]

For the Love of the Game - Jake DeBrusk

Type: first meetings, mini-rants about hockey culture thinly veiled as plot

Requested: No

Warnings: lots of swearing

A/N: An ending miraculously made an appearance, so the Jake thing is actually a one-shot and not a series. 

Night shifts were the time to work. Y/N sighed as she finally sat on a stool halfway through her shift, the first chance she’d had to sit since the night began. Weekend night shifts, while her favorite, could be demanding. Everyone was out, it seemed like, and they were all drunkenly breaking bones. Not that she’d ever complain about the volume of work. It was lucky, really, that she’d managed to get a radiology tech job in Boston at all. Mass. General was an enormous hospital with some of the best staff in the country, and it wasn’t often they hired new grads without prior work experience. 

Mary, one of her favorite coworkers, slumped onto the chair next to Y/N with a groan. “I just had a 220-pound drunk guy fall on me. I’m gonna feel that for weeks.” Mary rubbed at her back as Y/N laughed. Mary was small, barely five feet tall, and maybe 100 pounds. Her size had been an advantage in college, when she was a flier for one of the cheer teams at a university in Texas, but was a disadvantage now when she had to manhandle people over twice her size. “How many X-rays are you up to tonight?” Mary asked. “I’ve seen you running around non-stop since our shifts started.”

“I lost count about an hour ago,” Y/N chuckled. “I can tell you that it’ll be a new personal record though. I’ve never seen so many random injuries before. Most of the time my people are coming from car accidents this time of night, but now it just seems like a ton of drunken reverie.” Mary made a face in agreement, and they watched in amusement as one of the orderlies hauled another drunken patient back into his room. It was madness in the halls, and Y/N shook her head. “Am I missing something? Is there a holiday I don’t know about?”

Ben, one of the doctors, appeared at Y/N’s side suddenly. “The Bruins played tonight. They won, but it was a really rough game. There were a couple of brawls in the stands, and some in the streets. That’s probably where most of these people are coming from.” Now that he mentioned it, there were a lot of people wearing sports gear. Y/N recognized the black and gold as belonging to the home team, but she didn’t recognize the blue and white the others were wearing. “The Toronto Maple Leafs,” Ben said, before she could ask. “They’ve got a bit of an intense rivalry going the last few years. A lot of tension, on and off the ice. Doesn’t help that Boston tends to come out the victors in playoff games.” 

Sports. Y/N’s mom was never a sports fan, minus Premier League, and even then she was just a casual observer. There had never been any intense feelings about sports in their house, and Y/N would never understand the hatred people felt for each other over teams. Ben squeezed Y/N’s shoulder gently, drawing her back to the present. “You guys need any coffee? Kevin’s making a run for me before he gets in for his shift.” Mary shook her head with a smile, but Y/N nodded. She would never turn down a good cup of coffee. Anything was better than what they’d get in the cafeteria. 

“Black, please. With a shot or two of espresso.” Ben shook his head disapprovingly at her, and Y/N shrugged with a smile. “I know, I know, caffeine is bad. I promise I’ve only had 3 other cups today. I’ve been good.” The coffee addiction was real. Honestly, it wasn’t so much the caffeine most of the time so much as it was the taste, but Y/N knew she shouldn’t be drinking this much of it. A voice sounded over the earpiece Y/N was wearing before Ben or Mary could say any more, and Y/N stood again with a sigh. “Duty calls. We’ve got a transfer from a Pete Asnis?”

“That means it’s an athlete,” Ben said, beginning to walk with Y/N. “I’m going to guess Bruins, since the Red Sox didn’t play tonight.” A nurse handed Y/N a clipboard with the information on her patient as they rounded the corner to the room Y/N was bound for, and Ben stopped. “I hope nothing is broken. They can’t afford another injury.” Seriously? That’s what he was worried about? Not that the guys might have a broken bone? Y/N rolled her eyes, though she slapped on a smile as she slid into the room. 

Said Bruins player was sitting on the hospital bed clearly unhappy to be there, a scowl painting the face she was sure smiled more often than not. He was arguing with an older bald man when Y/N entered, and she knocked on the door once to gain their attention. “Hi there; I was told a,” she stopped to look at the name on the clipboard, “Jake Debrusk needed some x-rays done?” The man on the bed managed to scowl even deeper somehow, and the bald guy sighed heavily. He was clearly a trainer of some sort, dressed in his joggers and team pullover, but he also looked like this routine was far too familiar to him. “He needs a scan on his right clavicle. Took a nasty hit and heard a crack. He can’t lift his right arm past about 45°, and I’m already seeing some swelling.” 

Good. At least the trainer could tell her everything she needed. “Alrighty, let me just check out that swelling and we’ll decide if we can take that picture yet, yes?” Jake softened slightly at her smile and nodded. He had a nice face, though there was a nasty bruise forming over his eye. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N, one of the X-Ray techs here. Hopefully we can get a scan of your shoulder and get you home ASAP.” The trainer reached out a hand, introducing himself as Don Delnegro, the head trainer for the team. Jake barely acknowledged her words, and looked absolutely miserable from his seat on the bed. He began to slide his shirt off so she could get a look at his shoulder, but stopped when he jolted it. “Can I help you?” Y/N reached out her hands slowly, and when Jake nodded began to help him slide the shirt over his head without jostling his arm too much. 

The bruising on his shoulder and torso was spectacular. Of course, they were nothing compared to the muscle they were coloring, and her mouth dried a little at the beauty sitting on the hospital bed. Y/N tried to keep her reaction to a minimum, but Jake clearly caught the slight widening of her eyes. “Toronto always plays us rough. We’ve got a little bit of history.” He grinned at Y/N. “We always come out on top though.” Delnegro scoffed from behind Y/N, and she reached out a hand to feel for swelling before she lost her mind. It was definitely swollen, a bit too much to get a clear scan. 

“I have some okay news, and some bad news.” Jake groaned, throwing his head back dramatically. “Please don’t tell me you can’t do the x-ray,” he begged, “I don’t want to stay.” If it weren’t for how childish and dramatic he sounded, Y/N probably would have been a little offended. Hospitals weren’t for everyone, but she liked it here. “So bad news, you’re too swollen for a scan. Okay news, it should only be a few hours before we can scan you. You might be able to go home before morning.” Delnegro sighed and settled in. 

“You don’t have to stay, you can go home.” Jake looked at the older man almost apologetically, like he felt bad about an injury outside his control.

“I don’t trust you to take care of yourself. I’m staying until they discharge you.” Delnegro fixed Jake with a stare that would have had even Ben cringing, and Y/N smirked at the stubbornness of the trainer.

“You’re going to want the company, trust me. It may be a couple of hours before we can get the scan.” Y/N spoke before she could stop herself. It really wasn’t any of her business if he was alone or not. Jake took his turn to glare at someone, though Y/N was completely unimpressed. No matter how threatening he tried to look, the guy just didn’t look mean. Her pager signaled a new patient that needed scanning, and Y/N sighed. No more time for conversation. “A nurse will be in to check on you every hour or so, and when they let me know the swelling is down I’ll come back.” She smiled at the two men one more time and slipped out the door once they nodded. 

Now to find someone to check in on him. If he was a professional athlete, the hospital big-wigs were probably expecting her to give him preferential treatment. They had when one of the Patriots players had hurt himself during a workout. Dealing with the business side of hospitals, the one that didn’t put patients first, was her least favorite part of the job. Mary was power-walking down the hallway when Y/N walked out of the room, and she flagged her down. “I’ve got a possible broken clavicle with a good amount of swelling in this room,” she said when they met halfway, “do you know who’s got him?” Mary looked down at her clipboard and then at the door Y/N came from. 

“I do. You want me to let you know when the swelling is good for a scan?” Y/N smiled. Mary could read her mind. “If you wouldn’t mind,” Y/N said gratefully. Mary nodded her confirmation, and Y/N headed towards her next patient. Broken wrist and a possible concussion. Jesus. The game must have been pretty wild. 

It was yet another hockey fan, this one in blue and white, Toronto’s colors. He was so drunk Y/N could smell the alcohol as he entered the room, and she tried not to gag as she positioned him to get scans of his wrist. “Those motherfuckers think they own us just because they win more often than we do. News flash, we have more cups than they do.” Y/N nodded silently as the man ranted, though she almost wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about. Cups? Own who? Rivalries made no sense. “And do you know that a whole bunch of those assholes decided it’d be a good idea to start a fight in the middle of the goddamn game? My team was winning and they decide they’re gonna start making jokes about choking? Not on my watch.” These people are crazy, Y/N decided. No sport was worth a broken bone and a concussion. Alcohol and sports don’t mix. 

She finally got the scan, after telling the man several times to stop moving while the machine was working, and it was indeed broken. She gave the scans over to the nurse with the instruction that it was a clean break and then slumped at her desk for a breather. Ben stopped into her space with the coffee she’d ordered, and Y/N jumped up to hug him. He laughed as she sighed heavily into his shoulder. “That guy you just scanned was something else. I could hear him yelling from down the hall.” Y/N sighed again and then stepped back. 

“I appreciate this coffee more than you and Kevin could ever understand.” It was scalding, clearly fresh from the coffee shop across the street, and Y/N drank as much of it as she could. Yes, she needed this. Ben raised his eyebrows. “You know,” he said teasingly, “I’m not going to take it away if you don’t suck it all down right away.” Y/N shoved his shoulder, and they walked together back into the hallway. “How’s our Bruin? Mary said it was too swollen to do anything with so far.” Y/N nodded. She had forgotten Ben was a fan and would want to know how he was holding up. “I’m not asking just as a fan,” he said, almost like he knew what she was thinking. “He’s my patient. Just wanted to see what I was going to be working with.” He bumped Y/N’s shoulder and smiled when she glared up at him. 

Ben was like the big brother she’d never had, and she would never admit how much stupid things like that meant to her. He cared enough to jostle her around or make sure she ate dinner when the shifts got crazy. “The team trainer was with him, and he said that arm movement was limited to lifting below 45°, and he was having a lot of trouble moving. I had to help him take his shirt off.” Ben smirked, and Y/N groaned. He was not about to make a pervy joke. “No, Benjamin, I did not just want his clothes off. It was just as much a test of his range of motion as it was to check on the swelling.” She punched his shoulder. “Get your head out of the damn gutter.” Ben’s laughter followed her all the way down the hall as he left, and Y/N had to bite her lip to keep from laughing too. She may not have wanted his shirt off for that reason, but the muscles underneath definitely hadn’t been a sacrifice to look at.

It took almost 3 hours before the swelling went down enough for Y/N to get a scan of Jake’s shoulder. It was indeed broken, and some muscle was torn. Y/N bit her lip as she scanned the x-ray alongside Ben. It looked bad. He would be out a few weeks at least, more if the tearing didn’t heal properly. Ben sighed heavily. “He’s done for the rest of the season. No way he plays with this.” Y/N felt a sudden rush of sadness for the athlete in the room behind them. She may not have been a sports fan, but this was his livelihood. It would be like telling her she couldn’t come to the hospital for a month. 

Y/N let Ben go so he could break the news to Delnegro and Jake, and she went looking for Mary at the nurse’s station. “A clean break, and some muscle damage.” Mary looked up from the salad she was devouring, her fork freezing halfway up to her mouth. “Ben said he’d be out the rest of the season. Poor guy.” Mary frowned. “Hopefully they don’t let him come back in a week or two,” she said heavily, “it is the playoffs. Sometimes they do that.” There was no way that guy would be skating in a week, let alone playing in a game. Mary took a bite of her salad, chewing thoughtfully.

Ben appeared at Y/N’s side, apparently done giving the diagnosis to Jake. “I know it seems crazy, but he’s actually played through a pretty serious concussion before. And one of his teammates played through a couple of broken ribs and a punctured lung. The lung actually collapsed during a game, and he spent 3 days here.” Y/N stared up at Ben horrified, and she knew Mary was making the same face. “It’s the culture of the game. You pretend you’re not injured until you drop.” What a horrible game. 

Y/N shook her head in disgust. “Thank you for reminding me why I’m not a sports fan. That’s absolutely disgusting. How irresponsible could those doctors be that they let them play like that?” Ben shrugged like he had no idea, and Y/N scoffed. Sports were ridiculous. 

She ran into Jake and Delnegro again as they were discharging, running into one another at the doors. “Thanks for all your help, Ms. Y/L/N,” Jake said sincerely. He held out his left hand for a fist bump, and Y/N chuckled. Delnegro held out a hand for a handshake, and Y/N smiled at him as well.

“It was nice to meet you both,” she said. “Please heal up and don’t do anything stupid.” Delnegro laughed as Jake looked at her in shock. “One of my coworkers mentioned you boys like to pretend you’re not injured. Broken clavicles aren’t anything to mess with.” She nodded at them both with another smile, walking off in the direction of her car while Jake stood there flustered. A wild end to a wild night. 

_______________________________________________________________

Jake did indeed go back early, a little over two-and-a-half weeks later, and Y/N had the game on in the break room just to keep an eye on him. She could only check in for a minute at a time, but those minutes pieced together gave her a new appreciation for the game. The game was so fast, and she had to admit watching them hit each other was a rush. It was all fine until the third period, when he took a hit and went down hard. Ben happened to be in the room with Y/N when it happened and he swore viciously, something about a cheap shot and a dirty player. “That was the bad side,” Y/N said anxiously. Jake stayed down on the ice, and the pain was evident on his face. “Why isn’t he getting up?” Ben swore, shaking his head. 

“You’d better get ready, shorty. Your favorite patient is coming back.” Ben laughed when Y/N punched his shoulder in response. Ben used humor to cope, and he was clearly upset to see a patient and a player on the team he loves injured again. Or still injured. There was no way that clavicle and muscle damage was already healed completely. Y/N sighed heavily and trudged out of the break room. A call for the transfer and scans would be coming any second. 

Sure enough it did, less than ten minutes later, and Y/N was accepting a coffee from Kevin as he came in for his shift. “Heard you got the Bruins player again. Good luck. They lost tonight. He won’t be happy.” Y/N groaned. Not only did she get an idiot that didn’t know how to let himself heal, but she was getting an idiot that was going to be an asshole too. Kevin patted Y/N’s shoulder as the man himself strode past the pair at the nurse’s station, Delnegro by his side again. “Whelp duty calls, shorty. Good luck.” Y/N took off after the pair, intercepting them before they reached a room. 

Y/N touched Jake’s left arm gently, though she stepped back when she saw the intensity and anger in his eyes. He hadn’t looked this threatening a couple of weeks ago. “Why don’t we go ahead and get you scanned real quick, if there isn’t too much swelling.” She shook the anger off. Being intimidated wouldn’t help anyone. Jake’s eyes softened slightly as he took Y/N in, and he reached out his hand awkwardly for a shake. “Welcome back,” she said with a small grin, “I was hoping I wouldn’t see you back here. I told you not to do anything stupid.” Jake barked out a laugh, and Y/N thought she saw a small smile on Delnegro’s face.

“Sorry, Ms. Y/L/N,” Jake said sheepishly, “it’s the playoffs.” Yeah, she’d heard all about it. He remembered where her machines were, and Y/N was kind of unsettled at how normal it was for him to be back in the room getting scanned again. Hopefully he wouldn’t make this a regular occurrence. “So,” Jake began as she moved him into position for the scan, “the doc from a couple of weeks ago said you weren’t a sports fan.” Damn him.

Y/N ignored Jake’s eyes as she finished arranging his arm, though she answered him as she walked across the room for the kevlar apron. “I’m not. My mom wasn’t and it was just her when I was a kid. I never got the appeal.”

Jake groaned. “How can you live in Boston and not like sports? All the teams are good!” He looked so sincere, and for the first time Y/N felt a pang of loneliness for not being a sports fan. It was rare to find someone in the city that didn’t care about at least one of the teams, she knew that. “So look: our season is over after our loss tonight, but the playoffs are still going on. If I promise to be good and not injure my shoulder more, will you watch a game with me? I’ll explain the sport and maybe we can make you into a hockey fan.” Y/N opened her mouth to refuse, probably make some sort of excuse about him being a patient, but Jake hurriedly continued. “I was planning on coming back here once the season was over and asking you out. Since the season is over and I’m already here, I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone. It doesn’t have to be a date if you don’t want it to be, but I’d love for you to see how beautiful the game really is.” 

Well, when he put it that way. “Sure,” Y/N said, surprising herself. “I’d like that.” The smile that lit up Jake’s face made one night of sports well-worth it. Maybe she would become a hockey fan after all. 

[nxfelibatae]

pose || jimin x reader

When the opportunity presented itself there was no way you were going to let it go, only 10 days to make a boy fall in love, It must have been easy, but you let yourself be carried away by your feelings, and nobody should risk their heart to the ones who are addicted to play with it. Love disguises itself in many ways and it hurts when you find out it was all a lie.

pairing: fuckboy! jimin x reader!

word count: 2.3K

genre: Fluff, slight angst, light smut, how to loose a guy in 10 days AU

warnings: Alcohol use, sex references, slow burn, swearing. Everybody it's kinda lying. That's pretty much it.

A / N: inspired by the movie How to loose a guy in 10 days. First work here so please be nice guys :(. It's a two people work. Edited work.

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3

PART 1

DAY 1

While you are walking towards Heiryung's office, your heart pounds faster with every step. This is where it ends, this is where you lose everything you care about. You wish everything would have been different, but he didn't even care, he stopped caring the moment you walked out the door. Maybe it would have worked in another life, in a different situation where your dream wasn't to be a writer or maybe if you weren't fucking liars.

DAY 12

'You always manage to surprise me girls, great job' says our boss as she places down the newest article Hyunjae and you wrote for this number's issue.

It's always like this, coming into this office to show your boss the latest results of the work you've done, she sees it, makes some simple compliments and then a new task is given. It was kinda easy, but it would be even easier if your coworkers didn't ask for favors, correcting Hyunjae's mistakes was more than enough work.

You watch how HyunJae smiles every time HeiRyung makes a complement, filling her ego way more than it already is, she wants more of it, she lives for it. Always wanting to be the center of attention.

'Great choice on the topic, I like to see that you work well together.' continued Heiryung. You hold back a laughter after that comment, Hyunjae can do anything except work as a team, always comes up with the dumbest ideas, that's how you end up doing all the work, when if you try to do something on her own, ends up stealing your ideas just to get the credit for it, never whiling to use the brain. She's used to it, used to people who do things for her.

'We do work good together, don't you think?' asks Hyunjae now looking at you with a grin in her face.

'Of course! I love when you come up with new ideas and actually take part in the writing. She's quite exceptional, don't you think Heiryung? ' your tone is sarcastic and Heiryung noticed it. HyunJae tenses after your words. Thought you where the one with the brains , you say to yourself. Heiryung's smile widened confirming your suspicions.

'It's a shame that once you graduate I won't be able to have you as part of the team' Heiryung finally spoke. She has that cocky tone in her voice, the one that says she is about to throw a bomb.

'How come?' Hyunjae is harsh in her tone. Always asking stuff like she wants to know. She thinks it makes her look interesting. You think it makes her look really desperate for attention.

'You guys have a contract for 6 months, enough time for you to do your internship and then be able to spread your wings and find “something” better' answers making a gesture of quotation marks with her fingers to emphasize the word. She knows there's nothing better, even you know there's nothing better. She smiles back like she could hear your thoughts. But it's true, you're lucky enough to be interns in one of the most respected and popular fashion magazines in Korea and the world.

'Unless…' she continues raising one of her eyebrows with a sarcastic voice.

'Unless what?…' Interrupts HyunJae.

'Unless you are down for a little friendly competition' finishes with that evil smile that hasn't been erased from her face since she thought of that idea.

'What kind of competition?' she knows she caught your attention, you're intrigued to know what's going inside her head.

'The kind where one of you ends with a job here at Pose.' your breath cuts a little. You don't know if you heard her correctly or if she's joking. 'It's easy, you just need to write an article' she says with a smirk 'An article interesting enough to be published obviously' she takes a sip of her coffee while looking at both of you with a funny expression.

'So we won't be working together?' You ask.

`Well honey, it wouldn't be a competition if you worked together, right? ' As you watched Heryung's mug slowly descend to its destination, you started to feel like you were dissociating from the real world.

This was it. This is the opportunity you have waited for since you started the internship at the magazine. This job had to be yours, you deserved it.

'I'm down' says HyunJae taking you out of your thoughts 'It would be easy, don't you think?' She asks turning her head to look at you with a fake smile. You smile at her the same way and then look away to roll your eyes, you really hated her fake personality.

Her intentions were clear as always, make you angry, it seems that she lived for it, she agreed knowing how you would feel. You know for a fact she doesn't really like working a the magazine. You've heard her complain too many times.

'It would be great to see what we can do by ourselves, right? Without being a team 'You respond to let her know that you won't be bothered by her comment so easily.

'Excellent' claps HeiRyung jumping out of her chair 'The article must be on my desk before our next meeting regarding the next number's issue'  

'The next meeting?' concern is heard in Hyunjae's question.

'That makes it 10 days from tomorrow' 'you say without believing it, that's not enough time.

'Yes, a good journalist should be able to work under pressure and with a short deadline. Besides, that's more than enough time for writing an article, plus the magazines gets printed in 11 days' she smirks, you look at Hyunjae who hasn't said anything else, is she okay with this? It didn't sound like that a moment ago, why she isn't complaining? 'Okay, so that's it, get out' Heiryung makes a gesture with her hands indicating us to leave the office as she turns her back on us.

On the way back to the cubicles, thousands of thoughts and ideas came to your mind, but none convinced you, the pressure starts to rise, your shoulders start to hurt as you feel an imaginary burden on them, this wasn't a good sign .

The rest of the day feels like you've been in automatic mode. It wasn't easy to focus on what you were supposed to do, your coworkers have had to call your name several times to get your attention, Hyunjae included. She does it one more time at the end of the shift to remind you it's time to go, thoughts absorbing your time without you even realizing it.

'What are you going to write about?' Hyunjae asks while entering the elevator.

'I still don't know, I've been thinking about it ever since we left Hieryung'a office, but I still haven't decided' you answer not really wanting to. HyunJae keeps talking, while you finally decide to check your cell phone after the whole day. Just a message from your roommate appears in the notifications.

'Why are you asking though? Are you trying to be polite this time instead if staling my notes? ' you ask after putting away the cellphone so your attention would be in Hyunjae. She tries to defend herself but you interrupt by telling her not to bother making lame excuses, she closes her mouth as fast as she opened it.

As soon as you hit the lobby, you hurry to get to the bus station as fast as you could. You still had a couple of minutes before the last bus headed and calling a cab was a luxury that you couldn't really afford at the moment with a short deadline to pay rent and the amount of money you get from the internship wasn't really enough to cover every necessity you had.

If you get the job that could change. Maybe you could move to a place near work so it could be easier for you to get there. Possibilities where infinite, just as the ideas that you get for the article, but none of them seems good enough. There's something missing in every idea and it doesn't fit your expectations.

Once you get into the bus, with a little bit of luck and the power of your legs, you feel your phone vibrate again in your purse and as you check it, you see one more message form Nayeon.

Oh no, it happened again. Another break up.

You've know Nayeon for three years now, meeting her for the first time when she was assigned to you as your dorm roommate back when you lived there. Everything about her seemed nice in the moment, that's what impulsed both of you to be friends, developing more a sisterhood than a friendship, taking you both to the idea of ​​liveing ​​together after your first semester and also because you were tired of the small space , the annoying dorm neighbors, the leaks, and the 'oh my gosh, is that a bug on your clothes?!?!'

Being friends with Nayeon was fun, and in this past three years you've been dealing with her and her breakups, happening over and over again. It's not that she wasn't a good girl, the thing is that she gets clingy and needy, making guys run away from her when she starts doing crazy things for them.

By now, you're sure you've heard every case scenario possible in Nayeon's love life when it gets to guys dumb excuses to ditch her. Dudes are garbage mostly, some of them are cool but they always sendup with 'I am not really looking for a serious relationship right now, you know?'. Your favorite so far? 'You seem like a good girl and… you know, I think I'm not what you're looking for… what you need right now too' fucking asshole…

There's only one constant in NaYeons breakups. You. And a couple liters of ice cream or beers sometimes. This time you bring home both from the pit stop you did at the convenience store before you got to the apartment, just in case it's really bad.

In the moment you cross the door and make your presence notice announcing you've arrived, she comes out of her room, with a puffy face and red eyes. When she notices your presence she runs to hug you, you stumble a little before falling into the couch.

As you place the breakup kit on the coffee table of the living room, she begins to tell you everything in detail. This time he wants to concentrate on his carrier and his studies and he can't do it while he's dating Nayeon, he can't give her all the attention she deserves because of that, and doesn't think is fair for her. This guy is really something. You can't believe it. It's a new excuse tho , you make a mental note to yourself

'But I really know why he broke up with me' she sniffed before continuing 'it's because I'm fat' and she broke in tears for the twelfth time.

'Oh my God. Nayeon, you are everything but fat, he didn't dumped you because of that or that lame excuse' You said exploding 'It was because you don't know where to stop, how many days did you date him ? '

'7 days…?' She answered while hiding behind a cushion. 'But I know he loved me, I mean he never said it, but I knew it' she continued while you looked at her intertwine hands 'the first time we had sex I was so happy and excited that I started crying'.

'Please tell me you didn't' says you, covering your face with both of your hands.  

'I also told him I loved him' You gazed at her quickly not believing what she just said.

'Are you kidding me right now?' You looked at the ceiling with frustration 'That's the kind of behaviors that makes guys run away from you Nayeon. I'm telling you this because I love you and I want you to see that boys don't hate you. You sabotage yourself and you don't even realize '

She kept on playing with her hands. This is how every breakup session would end, you trying to make her get into her senses, then a romantic movie until she falls asleep. Her situation always gots you thinking. Maybe if she had some kind of manual or a perfect recipe or even a list of “ what not to do when you date a guy ” maybe that way ...

'Oh meu deus!' You screamed scaring Nayeon 'I finally have the perfect idea for my article!' You jumped out of the couch.

'What article are you talking about?' Nayeon was really confused.

'You know how I'm doing my internship at Pose magazine? Well my boss just gave us the opportunity to be officially part of the team, there's only one place and whoever writes the best article in 10 days between HyunJae and I, it's going to get it! ' excitement is running thru you veins as you speak, Nayeon could see it your eyes, that was exactly the way you move and talk when you're passionate about something or excited.  

'That's great!' says Nayeon 'What's it going to be about? Do you have a title? '

' How to lose a guy in 10 days ' You answered looking nowhere' I would find a guy to date and I would make every mistakes women do when dating a guy. With that I can show the girls in situations similar to yours, what not to do! '

This was just perfect, the perfect topic for the article that could make you win. This could be the beginning of your career as a journalist.

'That is actually an excellent idea, this could help many girls, including me' said Nayeon with a big smile 'I hope you get that job' she comes close and embraces you in a little hug.

Now, you just needed a guy ...

And it was not going to be an easy task.

PART 2->

[greyias]

OC Asks 3. How did you choose their name?

Also asked by @captainderyn​

Hahahahaha… okay, the short answer?: I’m an idiot. I didn’t realize I was going to love this game or this character as much as I did.

The long answer, well, I’ve alluded to it once or twice in the past, but I guess I should actually delve into it for real. But under a cut, because it’s probably going to get long.

I’m not sure if this should come with any kind of warning, but it’s kind of long and does delve into some personal stuff. So hopefully that doesn’t bother anyone!

Okay, so, when I first heard about this game in 2011, I had been out of fandom for several years, and had played a few MMOs here and there, but never really got into them for very long, mostly because I got bored very quickly with how repetitive they were. And then I read about this supposedly story and character-driven MMO, and I was intrigued. I was talking to my sister-in-law at the time about it, and ultimately realized I’d never be able to play because I didn’t have a PC capable of running it, and I was heavily into debt because of medical issues, to the point where I was having a difficult time affording my car payment, mortgage, and groceries.

So then Christmas rolls around, and my family has just about finished all of the presents when my brother and his wife go and bring in a special gift they’d been working on for several months: a frankensteined gaming PC that had one game installed on it, with several months of a subscription pre-paid: Star Wars the Old Republic

Needless to say, I was kind of bawling because no one had ever done something that nice to me before. And like? It’s kind of hard to describe what that previous year had been like without having a long, long side story but… it was difficult. It kind of sounds melodramatic to say it was hellish, but looking back on it? It kind of was. I was barely doing anything besides surviving, much less having fun. And here my sister-in-law had actually listened to a one-off conversation about how I was interested in this game but probably would never be able to play it, and like… took it upon herself to make that happen.

So of course the first thing I do is hook up my brand FrankenPC, load up the only game on it, and create a character! But it’s a MMO – and even though it’s billed on being story and character-based, I kind of don’t really believe it? Or at least don’t think my character is going to matter. So I do what I did with every other MMO, I used my online nickname to make a character (Greyias) so my friends can recognize me if they’re in-game, create a character that vaguely looks like me, and get to adventuring! 

The last name came when they rolled out legacies, and hey, I used “Highwind” for my short-lived Pirates of the Caribbean MMO toon. It’s also the last name for one of the main characters in my abandoned steampunk novel series, but that’s another story for another time.

(And then after about three days of learning the mechancis, re-roll said character on a different server, because OOPS! That wasn’t the server my brother and sister-in-law had started their guild on. She looked a little less like me this time. Probably should have changed the name, but I just wanted to see how the story turned out and eventually quest with my fam)

I realized my mistake around Coruscant when Kira joined up as a companion and I went “…uh oh.”

Because I’ve started to recognize I get a certain feeling when I like something, really like something to the point when I get… ideas. Story ideas. Character conversations and wondering “what if��. Of course, this is still in the open beta period, the game hasn’t even launched yet, there’s still long queues to log in and the grind is real, and I just want to see where this story is going and what Darth Angral is going to do, and why is this character so damn sincere and genuine and I don’t like characters that are the literal embodiment of sunshine, I like snarky snarksters and–oh. No I actually do like the Sunshine Jedi. A lot.

Now, a few of you may be like “I really don’t see what the problem is” – this is kind of an old school thing, and something that seems to have thankfully gotten a lot of pushback in the time since I had left fandom and the time since I rejoined it, and that is: The Dreaded Mary Sue

From about the time I had started writing fic when I was in my early teens and onwards it had been drilled into my head that Mary Sues were a bad thing. And self-inserts were worse. Especially if they were *gasp* FEMALE CHARACTERS. (We can’t have those girls having characters they identify with now, can we?) And like, those very relevant discussions aside, I was kind of… ashamed? That I had made a self-insert without realizing it? Despite the fact that like, the character that resulted from my playthrough was very much not me. Like, a significantly different person.

But I was starting to get story ideas and snatches of character bits, and like, I hadn’t written in so long, I hadn’t been inspired in so long. And honestly I just loved this little do-gooder goober, in all of her naive, happy-go-lucky glory. As well as her red-headed sidekick and this amazing dynamic that I had only really seen depicted between male characters previously. And so I promised myself if I got a story idea, I’d write it out and… just change Grey’s name to something else. So no one would know my secret crime, and I would be free, freeeee to scribble in the margins of canon.

It was a great plan, except, I had been playing with subtitles for the game on, so every time Grey would speak, her name would appear above it. And wouldn’t you know? I associated that name with that face, and well, I didn’t get that story idea yet, so it was. Fine I tell you. FINE.

I kept playing the game. In fact, I played the game a lot in the middle part of 2012, because wouldn’t you know? I had another round of medical issues that put me on short term disability and I actually had to retrain my body to sit in a chair for long periods of time (look, it’s a really long story, and this post is long enough as it is). So let’s just say… I got really attached to my little Sunshine Jedi who could go out and save the galaxy when I could barely walk a hundred feet.

And continued to play it off and on over the following years, until finally, finally the devs removed the grind wall in preparation for KotFE, and I was able to finish the Jedi Knight storyline and see where her story ended up. Then I played the next expansion on Makeb. Which was fun. Then I made the mistake that we all know I was eventually going to make: I played Shadow of Revan.

And met Theron fucking Shan. And my perfect little Jedi suddenly fell in love and oh crap. I’m escaping out of cutscenes to rewatch them. Like rewatching them an absurd amount of times. And as I’m going to sleep I’m like, getting entire bits of narration and brand new scenes and fic ideas in my head, and oh god. It finally happened. I try and resist the pull, but I play up through KotFE and I have no more story to stall any more. And the snippets just keep lulling me to sleep every night and… okay.

I probably need to rename this character now. Like, there’s an actual ability to do that in-game so I should get to it. Chop chop.

Nothing works. Nothing at all works. This should not be that hard, she can have any name, no one will know. Why can’t I think of a different name? I go to every single name site known to man, and none of them are her. Besides the fact, that’s her name, and I’m starting to feel kind of guilty for taking it away from her. Poor girl has been through so much in canon and now I’m taking away her name? What kind of monster am I? Okay, fine. I roll up a different Knight during the Dark vs Light event, gave that one an actual name that was not my online writer name just to see if I could trick my brain into writing about them.

Nope.

Maybe I’ll change my online name? “Let her keep the name Grey and I can just have a different name and…” – at this point I’m starting to realize I might be getting slightly neurotic over this whole thing.

Completely annoyed with myself for spending nearly a year trying to come up with a new name I’m starting to get desperate, thinking up ways to maybe just… write around it and not let people know her name until they maybe fall in love with her and hopefully just forget how it’s weird. That can work right? Okay, whatever at least I’m writing and it’s shutting these two up, and it’s all going good for several stories in and then suddenly I get to a scene that has more than one female character and I’m like “Shit… the jig is up.”

Meanwhile, I’ve started up a Dragon Age Origins playthrough, and like a dumbass, DO THE EXACT SAME THING with a female Cousland, and start whining to poor @for-the-flail on Twitter, on my fainting couch about how I can never write this character’s name because I named her after myself, and, bless her heart, she’s just like: “…um. Why?”

And I’m like “Because… we share a name… and that’s weird for people…?”

She goes “It’s not that weird. Why don’t you just write your stories? People will like them or not.”

And sheepishly, I realized she was right, and stopped being so diligent about hiding poor Grey’s name, and eventually, because you are all such lovely and encouraging people, eventually embraced it. (Come to think of it, I never did wind up writing about poor Cousland!Grey. Oops.)

So! That’s the long and ramble story of how she got her name and why it never changed despite my best efforts.

In summary: I’m an idiot 🤷‍♀️ but I think you guys love me anyway?

[deakyjohns]

Friends Will Be Friends - Ace!Reader x Queen

Based off the following prompt: Hello I’m sorry to bother you but could you please write a Queen x asexual reader please? Where the reader slowly realizes she’s asexual then is scared to admit it to the boys?

Warnings: Not a ton! Reader is anxious about coming out, so there are potential triggers there. [word count: 2,265] 

pls note: i don’t identify as ace but i am queer, so i’ve done my best to express what? coming out can be like? but everyone’s experience is different. hopefully this does some justice to that notion! <3

You knew everyone meant well.

That when Freddie told you anyone would be lucky to have you, or when Roger jostled your shoulder, pointing out potential suitors, it was because they cared about you. They thought it was what you would want. You used to think it would be what you wanted, too.

You weren’t sure how to tell them. It had been difficult to even figure it out yourself. You always understood the feelings you had, but putting a name to them had been something else entirely. Through your teenage years, you’d begun to find slight differences between yourself and your classmates. When they got excited about dating and relationships, you found yourself more interested in the books you were reading and the music you liked. You cared about your friendships and loved meeting new people, but you never really liked the idea of dating.

You used to assume it just meant you hadn’t met the right person.

In a few attempts to give it the old college try, you had gone on dates. Once or twice you’d had nice conversations with people over dinner or a drink, but you didn’t feel yourself longing to see them again. A date that you hadn’t had a particularly good time with once tried to kiss you, and you’d pushed him away out of instinct. He’d mumbled an apology and a good night and you hardly answered before flying up the stairs back into your apartment.

You leaned against your door, letting out a long breath. Part of you wondered if you should have just tried it to see if you’d enjoy it. But the rest of you knew you wouldn’t have.

It frustrated you to no end that the world, everyone around you, really, expected you to be a certain way when you just weren’t.

You didn’t want to think there was something wrong with you, but you felt like you had to look for answers. What was it that made you different? Why, when people talked about marriage, sex, and dating, did you feel like you came from some other world?

As silly as it made you feel, you found yourself at the front desk of the nearby university’s library looking for answers. A kind-eyed and young librarian peered at you through her glasses.

“Can I help you find something?” she asked politely.

“Yes, actually. I’ve got to write a paper for my human sexuality class?” It was a bit of a shot in the dark, but you were fairly sure you could get away without too many questions.

“Oh, sure. Are you comfortable with the Dewey Decimal System? I’ve just got to log a lot of returns up here.”

“Yes, no problem!” You’d had to prowl the shelves in search of horrendously obscure books before.

“Great,” she said, relieved, “thank you. You’ll want to head down to the early 300s. It’s got sociology and all that. Try… maybe 301 or 306?”

“I will,” you said, “thank you. Good luck with all those.” You pointed to the hefty pile of books on the cart beside her and she let out a quiet chuckle.

“Thanks. Good luck with your paper.” It took you a second to remember: you’d told her you were writing a paper.

“Oh, yeah, thank you!” And with that, you shuffled off into the stacks.

It took a while before you found anything that resonated with you. But eventually, after paging through countless indexes and glossaries, you found something that resonated with you–– and deeply.

You left the library with a bit of a spring in your step, but also a sinking feeling in your stomach. It felt so good to understand yourself. But understanding yourself meant that you’d be able to tell people. And you had four dear friends that you feared might not understand you the way you did.

You’d met Brian and Roger right as Smile was falling apart. Roger had tried to chat you up at the bar and since he’d made you laugh, he thought he was getting somewhere. Right as you were about to politely decline anything beyond a friendly drink, Brian came over, distressed. He let loose that Tim Staffel was thinking of leaving before Rog could make a snide remark about being interrupted, and when you expressed your despair at the possibility of the band breaking up, they both seemed cheered. You’d greatly enjoyed the music, and told them so. The night had ended with the three of you closing down the bar and the boys walked you home (or stumbled you there, on Roger’s part). After concerts, they began to count on seeing you, and you were swiftly introduced to Freddie and later John. You came to their shows as often as you could and soon you were part of the family.

What had started as the boys inviting you to parties after gigs had blossomed into a real friendship–– one you could never imagine living without. Sometimes you’d spend time with them while they were recording, and they’d even brought you along on tour for a few weeks once. You’d shared an apartment with John for a stint when neither of you could afford rent alone, and there had been many nights when the five of you all woke up in someone’s apartment, tangled together on couches, in beds, sometimes on the floor. You’d taken shifts in Brian’s hospital room when he collapsed on their first tour of the US.

You’d been through so much with them, and there was no way they’d abandon you just because you were different. They were all different, too. It’s why people loved Queen.

Your best friend and current roommate Amy reassured you of this about a hundred times as you got ready to go see the boys at a recording session. She sat on your bed as you tugged on a t-shirt and dug around in your closet for your favorite jacket.

“Those boys adore you, Y/N. And if they’re going to stop speaking to you over something like this, then they don’t deserve to call you their friend.” You sighed, voice echoing a bit as you spoke.

“I know, I know… But if for some reason they do stop speaking to me, it’s gonna break my heart. Even if it’s not worth the pain, you know?” Finally, you felt your hand brush against denim and you pulled your coat of it’s hanger, slinging it on. Amy stood and put her hands on both of your cheeks.

“They’re not going to. I really believe that.” She pressed a kiss to your forehead and you let out a soft chuckle.

“Thanks, Ames. I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.” You smiled at her and took a breath. With that, you picked up your bag and headed for the door. Amy’s voice drifted down the hall as you made your way to the front door. “And you let me know if something happens. I don’t care if those guys are famous, I will start a brawl!”

You laughed at that despite the pit in your stomach and hopped in your car. It was now or never, you supposed.

----

When you arrived at the studio, they were recording a song you’d never heard before. It was fun and a bit jaunty, which eased your nerves a bit. Brian stood in the booth, playing a guitar solo, and Roger and John were sat on couches at the back of the control room. Freddie sat, enraptured at the panel as you crept in, not wanting to disturb anyone.

John was the first to look up and notice you, and just as he was about to stand and offer you a much calmer and quiet greeting, Roger was on his feet and already halfway to the door.

“Y/N,” he cried, “just who we needed to see! Do you know, it’s been bloody boring without you all day.” You couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled you into a hug. Over his shoulder, Freddie glanced up at you and smiled, wiggling his fingers in greeting. Soon though, his attention was back to Brian, who was still laser-focused on his playing.

“It’s not as if I’m here all the time, Rog,” you protested, but he waved you off as the two of you separated.

“Well, we’ve been missing you anyway.” John nodded as he came over to greet you as well.

“It’s true, we were just talking about you,” he said, giving you a quick squeeze of a hug, “How are you, Y/N?”

“I’m all right. I’ve been wanting to talk to you all.” As you spoke, the sounds of the Red Special stopped.

“Hey there, Y/N,” came Brian’s voice over the speakers. “Good to see you! We’re just finishing up.” Freddie spun around and stood, planting a kiss on your cheek and grasping both of your hands in his.

“Yes, darling, do stay and have a chat. Brian here’s just finished his solo for Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy and we’re just about to have a spot of tea.” You grinned at the name of the song.

“One of yours, Fred?”

“Who else’s?” he replied with a dazzling smile, brushing his hair over his shoulder.

Once Brian emerged from the studio, the boys led you off to a little kitchen where Freddie put on a kettle.

“We’ve missed you,” Brian said, plopping down in a chair beside you, “How is everything?”

“It’s, er–– Well, it’s been good.”

“You said you wanted to tell us something?” John added helpfully. He always seemed to know when you were nervous, and you shot him a grateful smile. The kettle began to whistle and Freddie lifted it off the stove.

“Yes, I did,” you said, voice quieting a bit. Freddie passed mugs around and took a seat on your other side–– finally all eyes were on you. This wasn’t going to be easy, you knew that, but now with all of their gazes fixed on you with varying degrees of kindness and concern, you felt a little safer.

You cleared your throat in an attempt to push down the lingering anxiety. “Well, uhm… You all know that I don’t really… well, date. And, ah… I was doing some reading because I was feeling frustrated with everything and I…” You paused and took a deep breath. “I think I’m asexual.”

Time seemed to stop after you said it. It was still one of the first times you’d said it aloud, and your heart was pounding so loudly in your chest that you were sure you wouldn’t be able to hear their reactions. All of a sudden panic took over and you felt the need to speak again, as if you owed them an explanation. “I think I’ve known for a while now, but I never really had a name for it and then I went to the library and I started reading all these books and––”

A warm hand came to cover yours as it quivered on the tabletop and it was only then that you realized you’d begun to cry a bit. You looked up and Brian was smiling at you softly.

“That’s great, Y/N. I’m sure I speak for everybody when I say we’re happy that you’ve found a way to describe who you are.” He gave your hand a squeeze. “You know we all love you, and we’ll all be here to support you.” The other three boys gave you encouraging smiles and you nodded, reaching up to wipe the tears from your cheeks.

“I’ve just always felt different, and finally it just got too much. I was so scared.”

“Aw lovie,” Freddie cooed, throwing an arm around your shoulders, “why didn’t you tell us? You know we all would have been happy to help.”

“Well,” John ventured, “I’m sure it was a bit nerve-wracking. Not everyone is kind about these kinds of things. But nothing is going to change the fact that you’re our friend, Y/N. You’ve got us, no matter what.”

“It’s true,” Roger said, “we’d all go mad without you. And besides, if you’re asexual, that means there’s just more for the rest of us, eh?” Freddie shot him a long-suffering look from beside you, but the comment made you laugh as Roger knew it would. As you let yourself laugh, you felt some of the anxiety draining out of you.

“Oh god,” you said, “I’m so relieved. I was afraid that you’d all never want to speak to me again.”

“Nonsense!” Freddie cried, “you’d have to really do something terrible for that to happen, and I happen to know you haven’t got a mean bone in your body.” He paused for a moment and then smiled, standing up and gesturing for everyone to rise with him. “I propose a toast,” he announced, lifting his cup of tea in the air. “To our darling Y/N, whom we all love so dearly, and whom we celebrate on this day of discovery.” Everyone laughed at this, and Roger added in a cheerful “Hear, hear!” as you all clinked your mugs together.

You all drank your tea and spent the next little while catching up and laughing, just as you always did when you spent time together. When it came time for the boys to begin recording again and for you to head home, everyone joined in a group hug, placing you at the center. Standing there, literally surrounded by some of your closest friends, you knew you’d always have people in your life who loved you for who you were.

[photoddgrapher]

Ahoy Mateys!

I am brand new to this platform. I just signed up because I recently started following a Youtube Channel called Photo Assignments. That group started about 3 years ago and I am just starting out today. In the introduction of the Photography Assignments Channel, Ted Forbes (The Art of Photography) suggested that we sign up for a Tumblr account. So being a good student, I decided to follow his lead.

I am a sailor and I enjoy taking photos. My wife Jojo paddles Hawaiian outrigger canoes and our dog Lulu is starting her own blog and that is why you’re going to be witness to a mish-mash of all kinds of stuff in this Tumblr blog. I also author a few other blogs, so I will be treating this space as my laboratory, testing ground and/or staging area until I am comfortable enough with the platform to actually publish a blog with it.

I’ll give you a little background about my photography. I have been taking pictures since I was 5 or 6 years old. I remember my very first camera, a Kodak Brownie that my father gave me. I would shoot black and white photos while traveling with the family every summer throughout my childhood. From then on I recall going through a series of Kodak Pocket Instamatic cameras that took those super easy-to-use 110 film cartridges. It wasn’t until I got into High School when I would own my first 35mm SLR Camera (again a gift from my parents).

That 1st SLR was the infamous Pentax K-1000. Boy, that camera sure did make me feel like a grown-up. I was so stoked to have finally made it to the big leagues that I started taking my photography to the next level. I even set up my own personal photo lab in one of the bathrooms of the house. Truth be told, that was just way too much work and pretty expensive for a kid in high school. I think I dabbled in the darkroom for only a few months because it was so much easier to just drop off those film canisters to the photo store and wait a week to have the images professionally developed. That darkroom stuff was fun for a while, but way too much work.

In college, I managed to destroy a Canon AE-1 which I loaned to a friend to take on a hiking trip. When I got the camera back, it was all sticky and completely ruined. Apparently, there was a leaky fruit punch container in the same backpack that he was carrying my camera around in. I learned early on not to loan gear to friends, unless it was something I could afford to lose. Luckily for me though, that little hiking faux pas was my chance to upgrade my AE-1 to the AE-1 Program which came out that same year (1981). I never got to thank my friend because I guess I was still a bit angry about having to spend $700 that I didn’t have to replace my camera (I think I had to work an entire summer for that single purchase). I would hang on to that new AE-1 Program for over 15 years. To be perfectly honest, I may still have it in storage somewhere, but I’m thinking it may have gotten sold at one of our last moving sales.

Fast forward to the digital age of photography. Those original DSLRs were frankly too damn expensive for a hobbyist. I would have to wait. In the meantime, I must’ve owned at least a half-dozen point-and-shoots. I can recall owning Olympus, Fujifilm, Canon, Panasonic and Sony gear. None of these were really serious cameras. They were handy dandy gear that could be tossed into Jojo’s purse or my backpack (these were before the advent of the phone cameras widely used by most folks today). I think I started buying these bad boys from the time that 1.3MP was the most typical resolution. Today, my iPhone’s camera is almost 10 times as sharp as those early digital cameras.

A fairly long time had passed since I owned a “real” camera and I had never before owned a Nikon. So, in early 2015 (February), I was lucky enough to win all 4 quarters of the Superbowl pool and ended up $400 richer than I was pre-game. I decided to get myself an entry-level DSLR. I went to Costco and saw that the Nikon D3300 Kit was priced at $499.99. That’s $100 over budget, so I decided to wait. One day I was shopping at Sam’s Club and noticed that they had an open box of that same kit and the price was right at $400. Voila! I was able to get into a DSLR at no cost to me (so you could say I lucked into it).

In the summer of 2015 I was asked to chair the Transpac Honolulu Photography Committee. For those who don’t know, the Transpac is a Trans-Pacific Yacht Race from Los Angeles to Honolulu which is held every other year. At that time, I was on the Waikiki Yacht Club’s Board of Directors serving as the Rear Commodore for Power and was very involved with all things WYC. I took over the committee and have been chairing it ever since. One thing that serving in this capacity brought to my attention was how much I needed to improve as a photographer. I was surrounded by professionals and I was merely taking snapshots whilst they were capturing some of the most exciting images imaginable. Action shots of racing yachts from the water, from the sky, you name it and they were capturing it. It made me feel amateurish, mainly because I was.

This year, I’ve decided to up my game. I purchased a second hand Nikon D5500 on Craigslist and decided I would start improving myself as a shooter. I took a lot of Transpac photos again this summer and I decided I wanted to shoot my wife’s Na Wahine O Ke Kai Outrigger Canoe Race from Molokai to Waikiki (41 miles). The first time she did the race was 2014 and I didn’t have the gear. She skipped a few years, and when she did the race again in 2018, I was the Commodore of the Yacht Club and I was away on the Mainland at a function hosted at St. Francis Yacht Club in San Francisco, so I missed the women’s Molokai race last year. This year, I wanted to capture the event in photographs, mostly for her to show what a truly challenging accomplishment the race is. I took a lot of shots this year and you may be able to find some of that work if you search SmugMug and Facebook. I still want to improve my skills which is why I’ve decided to start these Photo Assignments on Youtube.

I know that this was a really long post for my first Tumblr post, but I wanted to introduce myself by letting you know a little bit of my background and more importantly, why I am here. I’m not sure where I’ll be taking this, but at least I have posted something of a brief history along with what I hope to achieve with this social media space. Wish me luck. It is my intention to share without reservation, so I hope you all enjoy seeing my process from day one... Aloha!

[dawnjeman]

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: Painted Brick Exterior

  Hi, everyone! How are you today? I had such a wonderful weekend. I baked with my husband and even attempted to make some cheese… but don’t ask about that! LOL. Anyway, I am super happy and excited because the weather is finally changing and the sun is shinning. I am also so very happy because I adore Callie of ceshome6 and her style so much that this is the second time I have her on my “Beautiful Homes of Instagram” series. The first time, I shared her formal home (you can see it here) and it became one of my most-pinned posts! Today, I am proud to be sharing Callie’s new home and I am sure you will enjoy seeing and knowing all details as much as I did!

  “My husband and I were originally from a small town in North Texas near Oklahoma. We have known each other since kindergarten but didn’t start dating until our junior year of high school. After graduation we moved to the Dallas area for college and have stayed close ever since. We will have been married for 15 years this July and have 4 beautiful children; a 17 year old daughter, a 14 year old daughter, a 9 year old son, and a 5 year old daughter. I feel very blessed to be able to stay at home with them and take care of our family and home.

We had planned to build a home again but during our search I found this spec home and the moment I walked in I loved it. It was my style with the color selections and it was the perfect size for our family. Another bonus was that it was already complete and ready to move in. We went for it and two months later we moved into our new home.

My favorite part of the home is the long open kitchen, dining and living space in one and we spend the most time gathered in this area as a family. I’ve always loved to decorate my homes to really feel cozy and welcoming. I don’t have one specific design style but like to incorporate in different pieces I like. My home is a mix of modern, rustic, farmhouse and french country. I also try to be minimal in my decor because with having 4 kids I don’t want to have to worry so much about moving things all the time or things getting broken.”

I hope you enjoy our house tour!

  Beautiful Homes of Instagram: Painted Brick Exterior

What first caught my eye about this home was definitely the white exterior. There’s something about a white home! I was sold before I even walked in. The 2 porches in the front were also a huge selling point because we love to sit outside and watch the kids play. We have a huge open space in the front of our home that’s almost the size of a football field and perfect for football, baseball or soccer.

The exterior brick paint color is PPG Atrium White and shutters are PPG Black Forest.

Front Porch

We love that this home has 3 outdoor spaces including a front porch, a patio balcony and a side patio. 

Sunshine

A pair of outdoor chairs make this front porch feel even more inviting.

Beautiful Patio Sets: here, here, here, here, here & here.

Brick

The front porch also features brick flooring in a beautiful pattern.

Adirondack Rocking Chairs: here – similar.

Home-Sweet-Home

Callie’s home feel happy and welcoming from all angles!

“Home-Sweet-Home” Doormat: Target.

Kitchen

I absolutely love Callie’s kitchen. It’s open and spacious without feeling overwhelming.

White Kitchen with Character

The kitchen backsplash tile is Emser Tile 4×10 Metro Honed with an accent over the stove in Emser 12×12 Metro Mosaic.

Counterstools: Target – no longer available – similar here – Others: here, here, here & here.

Magnolia Wreath: here – similar.

Countertop

The kitchen countertops are Granite in Lennon.

Beautiful 3 Tiered Wooden Trays: here & here.

Kitchen Cabinet

The best part of the kitchen is the long buffet countertop that’s perfect for entertaining because we like to host parties.  This counter space runs almost 15 feet long so it holds all the food you could eat.

Cabinet Paint Color

The cabinet paint color is PPG Gypsum in semi-gloss.

Appliances: GE.

Dining Room

This entire space is perfect for entertaining.

Linen Chairs: RH – similar here & here.

Dining Room Furniture

Kitchen Table: Restoration Hardware – Other Beautiful Dining Tables: here, here, here & here.

X-back Dining Chairs: RH – similar here (huge sale!).

Vases: here – similar.

Fruit Spray Olive Branches: here.

Table Runner: here & here – similar.

Great Room

The floors in the main living areas are Red Oak hardwoods scraped lightly with the grain and stained ebony.

Beautiful Hardwood Flooring: here, here & here.

Splash of Color

I keep with a pretty neutral theme throughout the year and add in pops of color depending on the season using florals, pillows or artwork. For spring this year I’ve added in light pink, yellow, and teal.

A Little Friend

This is Jinger – pronounced Ginger… we had to change it to a “J” so she would have the same as the other kids!! I got her own couch for her to go in the living room because she’s been scratching up our leather couch with her nails and she loves it!! Target has the cutest doggie beds! I loved this buffalo plaid one and it goes so well with all my other decor!

Metal Cabinet: Universal Furniture Bannister Display Cabinet – similar here & here.

Chairs: Ashley HomeStore.

Side table: Target – similar here.

Furniture Layout

What an inspiring furniture layout! The large leather sectional is perfect for the entire family to relax and watch something at the end of the day.

Credenza: Bassett Furniture Emporium 92″ in Compass Northern Grey – Others: here, here, here & here.

Rug:  here (9×12)- Other Beautiful Rugs: here, here, here, here, here & here.

Wall & Trim Paint Color

The walls and ceilings throughout the home are painted PPG Whiskers in flat. The trim throughout is PPG Gypsum in semi-gloss.

Home Ideas

This home is a little unique because when you first walk in the front door you walk right into the living room, dining room and then the kitchen area. It’s one long space.

The leather sectional is Bassett Furniture Ellery L-shaped sectional in Stone – similar here, here, here & here.

Side table is from At Home – similar here.

Beautiful Coffee Tables: here, here, here, here & here.

Furniture & Decor

I like to shop for larger furniture pieces at Bassett Furniture, Nebraska Furniture Mart or Restoration Hardware. I’ve found that they all have great quality furniture. Most all of my small furniture and decor pieces come from Hobby Lobby, Kirkland’s, Homegoods or Target.

Decor: Console table – RH – similar here.

Throw: Target – Others: here & here.

Floral Pillow: here & here– similar

Blush Pink Pillow: here – similar.

Wood Scrabble Letter Tiles

My gallery wall is still one of my favorite things in the house!! The way this house is built this wall is hidden unless you go up the stairs! Sometimes I’ll go up there just to look at it!

The wood Scrabble letter tiles feature our names and birth dates.

Wood Scrabble Letters: here – similar.

Master Bedroom

The master bedroom is located in the back of the house.

Magnolia Inspiration

I decided I wanted a black a white theme when I saw a photo from Magnolia Home that had beautiful black wood arched frames behind the nightstands. I like to save money when possible so I found my own version from Kirkland’s (similar here) and spray painted them black to get the same look for over half the cost.

Bed & Bedding

The bed set is from the Magnolia Home line at Nebraska Furniture Mart. The bedding and lamps are from Target.

Decor

There’s a small corner in the room that was bare so I found this cute macrame wall hanging (similar here) and an olive plant at Homegoods. It’s very simple but I love it.

Faux Olive Plant: here.

Study

The study is in the front of the home off to the side when you come in the front door. I recently completed a makeover in my study by adding Weaber Lumber white washed wall boards from Home Depot to a focal wall and I love how the transformation turned out. It makes the room so bright and open. I also added greenery with these hanging macrame plant hangers from amazon. I decided to save some money by painting a few terra cotta pots from Hobby Lobby to match my decor and filled them with IKEA plants.

To really make the room pop I changed out the lighting to a beautiful wood bead chandelier from World Market. I found this desk at Restoration Hardware a few years ago and both the chair and rug are from Nebraska Furniture Mart.

Similar Desk: here – Others: here, here, here & here.

Similar Desk Chair: here.

John 10:10

Metal Sign: Vintage Metal Co.

  I hope you enjoyed the tour of my home! 

  Many thanks to Callie for sharing all of the details above.

Make sure to follow Callie on Instagram to see more of her beautiful home!

  Best Sales of the Month:

Thank you for shopping through Home Bunch. I would be happy to assist you if you have any questions or are looking for something in particular. Feel free to contact me and always make sure to check dimensions before ordering. Happy shopping!

  Serena & Lily: New Spring Arrivals! Gorgeous Pillows, Bedding & Rugs!

  Wayfair: Up to 75% OFF – Huge Sales on Decor, Furniture, Rugs & Outdoor Furniture!!!

  Joss & Main: Up to 65% Off on Outdoor Furniture & Decor!

  Pottery Barn: 20% Off Furniture, 25% Off Everything Else + Free Shipping. Use Code: LUCKY

  One Kings Lane: High Quality Design Decor for Less – Limited time only: 20% Off Furniture with Code OKLFURNISH

  West Elm: 20% Off your entire Purchase + Free Shipping: Use Code: EARNEDIT

  Anthropologie: Take an extra 40% off all sale items! See Joanna Gaines Exclusive line here!

  Urban Outfitters: Hip & Affordable Home Decor.

  Horchow: The Big Sale: 25% Off Furniture & 30% Off Sitewide!

  Nordstrom: Up to 40% OFF – Free Shipping!

  Arhaus: Save up to 30% plus Buy More Save More!

  Posts of the Week:

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: Fixer Upper.

Home Bunch’s Top 5: Kitchen Design Ideas.

Before & After Bathroom Renovation.

2019 New Year Home Tour.

Full-scale Home Remodel Inspiration.

Kitchen Renovation with Before & After Pictures.

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: How to Build your own Home.

Connecticut Beach House.

Interior Design Ideas: Colorful Interiors.

New England Home.

Interior Design Ideas: Home Renovation.Classic Colonial Home Design. Family-friendly Home Design.

New Year, New Beautiful Homes of Instagram. Georgian-Style Manor with Traditional Interiors.

Transitional Home Design.

Grey Kitchen Paint Colors.

Follow me on Instagram: @HomeBunch

You can follow my pins here: Pinterest/HomeBunch

See more Inspiring Interior Design Ideas in my Archives.

“Dear God,

If I am wrong, right me. If I am lost, guide me. If I start to give-up, keep me going.

Lead me in Light and Love”.

Have a wonderful day, my friends and we’ll talk again tomorrow.”

with Love,

Luciane from HomeBunch.com

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[lyssala]

You’re Idiots, the Both of You

Additional Pairings: Implied Zack/Aerith

Setting: Mid fall semester after the previous present time chapter; Terra & Aqua are 23 & 22

Rating: K+

Notes: Another dialogue heavy one as it mirrors the one done previously. It was a lot of fun just to have them so effortlessly talk about things, plan, be cute. This has zero plot lmao but sometimes it’s nice to just see a little snapshot of their world. As this is the very last one set in the present time for this fic I also wanted to give you guys a hint of how their lives will be after this too. One more chapter! I can’t even believe I only started this at the beginning of the year. It feels like I’ve been writing this world for so long. I appreciate all of you who stuck around, and I hope you enjoy these last two chapters <3

AO3

Sleep

“I mean it’s all any of us want –to find a nice person to hang out with till we drop dead. Not a lot to ask.”

-Lorelai

It wasn’t necessarily like Terra not to be able to sleep. He usually could sleep through just about anything and that absolutely included his brother’s terrible snoring. Yet all Terra could do was stare up at the ceiling of his room no desire to even close his eyes.

The moon was out, shining in through his open window as the cool late fall air blew in. He usually only couldn’t sleep like this when he was coming off a set of overnights at work but this week had been all normal living hours; he didn’t mind working through the night but there were benefits of building seniority, like sleeping through the night.

Terra rolled over on his side, hoping it would help but really it only made him stare at his door as opposed to his ceiling. He groaned and reached for his phone on the nightstand. He flopped back onto his back and blinked up at the bright screen as he held it over his head.

Three am. Not even close to being an acceptable morning time, especially for him. Out of habit he clicked on the nearest social media app and while there were quite a few people he knew that were still awake (was he the only one who enjoyed sleeping?) one name showing online stuck out to him.

He squinted his eyes to make sure he was reading it right, but the active notification was right there next to her picture.

Terra closed out of the app to go to his last calls. With one touch, he brought the phone down to his ear, hearing the dial tone.

“Hello?” Aqua sounded a little confused, but there wasn’t even a hint of her being tried despite the fact it was ungodly early.

“What’re you doing awake?” he murmured, realizing he probably sounded a lot more tired than he felt.  

She laughed lightly; some papers were being shuffled in the background. “What’re you doing awake?”

“Not fair I asked you first.”

“I’m trying to finish this paper so I don’t have to worry about it anymore,” she said and he thought he could hear her pen tapping against the desk.

Terra reached up to rub a hand against his face. “In the library?”

She hummed. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“Lucky guess and I feel like you’re roommate would’ve killed you by now if you were still awake and on your phone.”

“That’s fair.” She paused for a moment. “You still haven’t told me what you’re doing awake.”

“Well, I’m about two or so states away driving to my new life to live up in the mountains so I never have to hear Ven snore again.”

Aqua laughed, though it was a little soft; a librarian probably walked by or something. “Can’t sleep?”

“No, but it’s not his fault. He’s just an easy target.”

“Is something wrong?” she asked. There was some sort of rustling; she was probably sitting in one of those big comfy chairs she liked, sitting back away from her work.

He felt a little guilty for bothering her in the first place. “Nah, just can’t sleep.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay, like you working at three am is usual. You’re normally done with all your homework ages before its due.”

Aqua didn’t answer.

Ah, there it was; he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” she said, but it came off way too strongly.

Terra dropped his hand to the bed. “You still haven’t talked to your parents yet, haven’t you?”

She groaned and he could almost see the way her head must’ve hit the chair. “It’s not easy.”

“I never said it was, but you are graduating the near future and they’ll probably be a little curious as to why you’re moving back home and not off to join all the companies who I’m sure will try to hire you.”

“Don’t try and mask this with flattery.”

He snorted, eyes flickering up to the ceiling. “It’s your life, Aqua, they can’t tell you what to do.”

“But they can express severe disappointment that I’m wasting a fortune to not even have a good paying job.”

“Then you show them the pros like the fact you’ll still be living in town so they’ll never get rid of you and me for that matter. I guess they can decide if that’s a good thing or not.”

“Stop,” she laughed. “I know they’ll be okay with it eventually, but they had all these dreams for me and I’m just throwing them all way.”

“Their dreams maybe, but not yours. You do what you feel is right for you, I’ll back you up in any regard because you’re absolutely stuck with me.”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

“You say it like it’s a good thing.”

She laughed again and he wished he could see her smile, the way her blue eyes scrunched up.

“Just rip the band-aid off, it’s easier than dragging it out.”

She hummed knowingly and Terra immediately regretted his phrasing. “Oh is it? Please tell me, Ter, have you finally told your mom you don’t want a big wedding?”

“Touché. To be fair, it’s only because she gets so happy about it whenever she brings it up. I’m pretty sure she’s been waiting for this since the day you were born.”

“I’m pretty sure you should listen to your own advice. It’s only gonna make it worse when she starts actually planning things instead of just talking about it.”

“Baby steps, right now I’m just working on convincing her not to invite the whole damn town.”

“Would that be so bad?”

Terra arched an eyebrow even though he was well aware she couldn’t see him. “Do you want all that attention?”

“Not really, no,” she chuckled.

He paused. Despite the fact they had been engaged for a few months, neither had ever actually talked about the day. Aqua said she wanted to wait till she was almost done with school to make it easier for them to move together and while he listened to his mom babble about it all he had really mentioned that he didn’t want it to be as huge as she was making it out to be. He wondered if now would be a good time to ask, but it was also ridiculously early and Aqua seemed to be in no rush to get back to work.

“What do you want then?”

It was her turn to pause. “Wait, like right now?”

“Why not? I’m still not tired, you haven’t mentioned your homework again so go on, lay it on me.”

She groaned a little but this time he knew it was out of embarrassment.

“Don’t be like that,” he laughed. “I know you’ve thought about it since we were kids.”

“God, okay, hang on.”

He could tell she pulled the phone away from her ear but he didn’t really know why until he heard a familiar set of beeps. Terra moved his phone in front of his face so he could accept her call. In a moment the screen was bright, the florescent lights of the library making it seem more like day than the middle of the night. She was sitting in that chair she liked but more importantly he could see her, eyes looking a little tired, small smile on her lips, but it was the most welcome sight in the world.

“I won’t wake anyone up will I?” she asked, her voice coming out a little softer now that it wasn’t pressed up on his ear.

“Nah,” he said. “Ven’s sleeping and my parent’s room is too far from mine for them to be bothered.”

“Okay,” she said, though he knew the look in her eyes.

“I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. It’s really okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”

Her smile softened her face a little. “It’s okay, it’s silly. Besides it’s probably better to know what we want before letting others get out of control.”

“You can say my mom, it’s okay.” He paused while she rolled her eyes. “Alright, go on then, let me hear what ten year old Aqua wanted her wedding to be like.”

“Well, there were lots of people as it was at the biggest venue in the area and I had the most expensive dress I could find because I was marrying the lead singer in my favorite band and he could afford anything.”

“Cute,” he snorted, but it didn’t stop a smile from pulling at his lips when she started to laugh.

“I like smaller too,” she said, leaning her chin into hand as she propped her elbow up on the arm of the chair. “Family, friends, that sort of thing. The whole town can come to the reception so they don’t feel left out but I’d like a small ceremony.”

“Done, I’ll let my mom handle the reception then, she’ll be overjoyed.” He shifted so he could hold his phone in his other hand. “Any location?”

She hummed looking off to the side as she thought. “Somewhere outside, with gardens and lots of flowers.”

“Springtime?”

Aqua nodded, her eyes lighting up just a little bit. “Yeah, I love spring.”

“You’ll make Aerith and her mom overjoyed too.”

Aqua’s eyes glanced up to meet his through the screen. “Is that okay?”

“Course it’s okay.” Leave it to her to always want to make sure he had his own preferences too, even though he knew full well the appearance of the day wasn’t really about him. “I’d have said something similar.”

There was that smile again making it easy forget they both should be sleeping.

“I haven’t picked out any colors or any style or anything like that.” She tapped her fingers against her face. “Would blue and orange look good together?”

He must’ve made a face at her because she started to laugh.

“I’ll keep working on it.”

“What about a dress?” he asked.

She hummed, a small smile on her lips. “I can’t tell you that.”

“Oh, so we’re playing that game are we?”

Aqua shrugged, but she seemed perfectly content with this choice. “Some traditions are fun.”

“Uh-huh, so I assume you’ll take your mom and my mom, but I can know at all.”

“And your brother.”

That time Terra knew he must’ve made a face because she had to move to cover her mouth as she laughed. “Seriously? You’re gonna give Ventus something else to rub in my face?”

She waved her finger slightly. “He helped you pick out my ring and couldn’t tell me so this is only fair.”

“That’s different, I know about this.”

Aqua arched her eyebrows. “Terra, you really think I didn’t know? When I asked you what you were doing that day you told me you were hanging out with Zack so I reminded you that I thought Zack and Aerith were spending the weekend away you said, ‘Oh yeah, I have to go’.”

“Okay, maybe not my most graceful excuse.”

“You think?” She was smiling though, ear to ear.

As used to the long distance as he was now, he was beginning to feel like her graduation date was a million years away.

“I won’t make you wear a suit either.”

“Oh, no? Not gonna force me to dress up at any chance you get?”

She shook her head but she was still smiling which meant there were probably conditions. “Just like how you did at my prom. With the rolled up sleeves and vest that was…” Aqua paused for a second. “That was a very good look on you.”

He snorted but it fell into a laugh.

“Stop it, I’m being serious.”

“Of course,” he said. “Anything you want.”

She leaned her chin back into her hand, watching him through her screen. “Hey, Ter?”

“Yeah, what is it?”

“I miss you.”

That was a feeling he could sympathize with. “Yeah, I miss you too, beautiful.”

She smiled into her fingers but if she was going to say anything else it was broken up by a yawn, her eyes looking significantly more tired.

“Alright, close up the laptop and get to bed,” he said.

“I’m fine, I’m fi-” Another yawn.

“Yeah, real fine.”

She laughed though it was light. “Okay, it’s probably better than falling asleep in the library.”

“I’d imagine.” His heart clenched a little bit as he didn’t actually want to say goodbye but it was probably for the best if they both got some sleep. “Want me to stay on the phone while you want back?”

“Oh, no, its fine. It’s not a far walk. I’ll be fine. You try and fall asleep too.”

“Alright, let me know when you get back at least.”

There was that smile again. “Of course. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She waved slightly and then all that was on his screen were the words “call ended”.

Terra sighed and dropped his phone on his bed, though he made sure it was face up so he could see when she texted him. He rubbed his hands over his face trying to forget that he’d much rather have her here, hogging most of his bed and blankets than being miles and miles and miles away. It wasn’t permanent it never had been, and even though he was plenty used to it there was a part of him that would never be used to it.

He rolled over on his side; at least his eyes did feel heavier than they did before.

It wouldn’t be too much longer now and they wouldn’t even have to go back and forth between his house and hers. He’d get her that old house she loved on the opposite side of town but still was walking distance of all the placed she’d need to be at. Not that he told her that, but enough people in town were happy for them he was sure he could do that for her.

Then all this wouldn’t matter anymore. It would just be them, their home, their life…and probably Ven more often than not who probably wouldn’t take to being the only child in the house well. Then maybe someday there would be more than that too. Aqua was made to be someone’s mother, and Terra couldn’t say he never thought about it.

His phone buzzed, making him blink open his eyes. He picked up the phone to see a picture of her on his screen; she was clearly in her dorm building, sticking her tongue out at him.

Aqua

               I’m here, worrywart <3

He rolled his eyes but typed a quick sleep well before putting his phone back on the nightstand. Terra closed his eyes again, this time feeling even more tired than before.

Some days it felt like an eternity, but it wasn’t bad. If there was one thing he knew, Aqua was absolutely worth waiting for.  

[imsarahcate]

Sitting here re-reading what I think is the final version fo the email to country dad.  I hate to sound so... passive aggressive, and I hate to basically beg at the end.  But this is the best I can do after many drafts of varying levels of anger and pure frustration and just... I need him to understand what he refuses to HEAR me say.  And i needed to still ask him to buy me an expensive powerchair so really the whole thing was a juggling act of several days worth of writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting.  Under the cut because it’s fucking looooong.

Hi Dad,

Got the birthday card today, thank you.  Tell everyone thanks, someday maybe I'll be able to afford the trip and actually be up there with ya'll for one of these reunions.  

. When it comes to the article, I appreciate that you thought of me, but I don't think you understand the pain situation I live with still.  That alternating advil/tylenol trick can be effective- for acute pain issues or unexpected injuries.  Short term solutions for short term, acute pain.  It's actually something I've done before after surgeries.  I don't have acute pain.  I have chronic pain.  It never stops.  It never gets better.  I feel like even after all this time, you still don't really understand what I live with every day, Dad.  And it's really frustrating.  I feel like you are disappointed that I'm on opioid painkillers- as though it's some decision I made that I keep up because i want them.  As though it's a choice at all for me- when really I have tried pretty much everything else.  Every time we talk anymore- I end up feeling like I have to defend the one thing in 5+ years that has given me ANY measure of relief, and even at that it's hit and miss.

. So here's the truth, My feet always hurt.  Not a little, not now and then, ALWAYS.  And more than I can even make you understand I think.  From one minute to the next it can feel like my feet are white hot on fire, being smashed by sledgehammers, crushed in a vice.  And then for extra fun, a lot of nights (most these days) they also get supersensitive- to the point that even with only the air touching them it's excruciating.  Do you know that even when I manage to sleep deeply enough to dream- I hurt IN my dreams?  That's where things are at now.  I am so lucky to have a doctor who is even willing to TRY opioid painkillers.  And HE is the one asking if we should be stepping up doses Dad, not me.  And he is not pushing opioids on me, he is doing his best to treat my actual, very real, very debilitating pain.  I regularly moan in my sleep so loudly that I wake myself up. And when the meds don't work well enough, or if I try to push beyond my limits- my whole body freaks out.  I have a whole roster of stomach meds because what happens is- like last week for example- when I continue to go on through the point where I know I should stop and rest- I spend anywhere from 1-3 days with sour stomach, severe nausea.  I can't eat. I end up with vicious muscle spasms in my abdomen or thighs or calves, or my feet- or all of the above.  Because if I push past that line, the nerve damage is so bad that it literally affects my entire body- just to get me to STOP and recover.

. I do my best to try and stay positive, to take care of the rest of my health to the best of my ability- and frankly, if it weren't for the pain, I'd be overall in great shape.  I am not lazy or addicted or unhealthy.  I have pain that is borderline dehumanizing, that is constantly getting worse even while every other part of me gets better.  And I am so frustrated by the feeling that you still don't understand that.  I haven't been up there because it is exhausting for me to make the drive.  i haven't been up there because when I come, I want to be able to do things like... go for a walk with you and Thor, to cook dinner, to go see the cows and the horses and everything else- and I can't.  I can't even manage the 2 hour drive just to get there.  Do you know how frustrating that is?  Do you know how frustrating my whole LIFE is these days?

. So I appreciate that you thought of me dad, I do.  But the help I need isn't alternatives that I have already tried that I already know do not work.  Last month my doctor and I had a hard discussion.  My crutches aren't enough anymore, and with Kris moving in with Tom after the wedding, I'm going to have to take up a lot of my own errands that I've been able to rely on her for when I was flaring.  We found a really great powerchair, weatherproof, folds, would fit in the trunk of my car.  Something I can manage to set up and break down on my own.  The battery holds a charge when the chair is off- so if I had a good streak or we found a sweet spot with pain meds, it would still have a charge when I eventually did need it again.  Ultimately I'm hoping to get reimbursed for it by medicare or my supplemental plan.  But as I'm now having to appeal my disability decision altogether (apparently the ancient doctor who asked me NO questions about my pain decided I am no longer disabled) I don't know how long that could be.

. Which brings me here.  I need your help again.  It's a one-off, but a big one. Call it every birthday and xmas gift for the rest of our lives.  And, eventually if I AM able to get reimbursed, I will gladly sign the check directly over to you without even cashing it first.  But with the way my pain is progressing having the chair sooner rather than later would make a huge difference to me.  So I'm swallowing my pride and asking if there's any way (if you can) if you would buy this chair for me:

https://www.foldandgowheelchairs.com/travel-friendly/heavy-duty-fold-go-electric-wheelchair-turquoise/

. They're normally $3800, but they're having a sale right now so it's $2795, no tax, free shipping.  I can't promise I'd be able to pay you back for it- but if my appeal goes through I'll be putting into my insurance to get reimbursed for it (the company that makes the chair can actually help me with that) and if that gets approved, I'll give you whatever they give me for it.  I know it's a lot.  I've spent the last month trying to figure out another way to get this huge thing that I need without having to ask you for it.  But this move to a chair, even part time, is inevitable with the way my pain is progressing.  And my doctor agrees that this chair would be a great solution for me as things get worse.  Easy enough to maneuver and holds a charge for the time when I don't need it for everything, but powerful and well made enough to use all the time when it eventually comes to that.

. I'm sorry to ask Dad.  I've been glad not to come to you for every little thing since I started on medicare and didn't need your help with my health insurance anymore.  But this is too big for me, and having it may even let me get some of my independence back.  

. Either way,  I love you, I miss you, and as soon as I can make the drive again- I still owe you and Thor a home-cooked dinner.  

Hope everyone's enjoying Nebraska Time... looks like a lot of fun.

Sarah.

[anyu-blue]

Personal

Mobile keep scrolling. Read more vv

Bug infestation fyi.

I'm starting to get really worried...

Living here has turned into an absolute nightmare... It's nice to see the sun and to be on the top floor and have that sort of freedom and all.. but the bedbugs... I can overlook the slightly unpleasant neighbors. The thin walls. The crumbling roof (my ceiling is starting to get really bad). The leaks and places other bugs like to get in. I'm sure our neighbors do the same... But these bugs.

I didn't actually realize how tenacious and TINY they are. A female can only lay one egg a day, but in the buggy would.. that's a lot. And there only needs to be one male and explosions are imminent. Can even be from an egg she just laid, they don't have problems with inbreeding. And while a female can only mate once a day.. a male can mate with all females in his area.

So even one... One tiny, itty bitty bug that's oh so hard to see, let alone feel... Could spell disaster for an entire complex. Because those big ones I've been squashing.. yeah.. they're actually really old comparatively.. and all the new ones that have and will hatch.. smaller than a pin head. I'm only lucky enough to know that thanks to the massively gruesome display in my room rn... There are dozens.. dozens of tiny tiny, so small you wouldn't see them unless you were looking, corpses or possibly carapaces on my pad. With all the powder I've put in there they've dehydrated and ended up stopping where they were looking for food... I hope. I hope they aren't carapaces. They don't look to have moved either way.. I keep checking.. I have pictures.. but millimeters are a lot bigger to them than they are to me.... But I also keep finding more. I thought I'd just missed them initially, but I put something clean down in there a week or two ago and moved it a few days ago only to discover about 6 Tiny little dots on top of it... And a much larger, live buggy under it.

The diatomaceous earth works to a degree and I'm so grateful... But it's obviously not full proof.

....

We need to move. Because Tevie and I can't afford this place on our own...

I mean I MAY have about $200 extra by the end of the month to go towards a deposit on a new place... If our mother doesn't drop the ball on us and refuse to pay rent like she threatened... Which she can't technically legally do because she has so much of her stuff here... But may try anyway and I'm still really angry about...

But even then.. even if I DO have the extra... I can't think of a single place that will take us... Because of the risk. I don't WANT to infest a new place... I'm going insane enough as it is knowing THIS wasn't our fault....

I'm riddled with bites. RIDDLED. And I keep finding more. We even keep powdering... Tevie keeps vacuuming... I keep washing (hot water hot dryer) And the number doesn't go down. It's actually gone up. I didn't realize how bad the back of my arms were until I caught myself in the mirror today.

My legs. My feet. My back, belly, neck, shoulders, FINGERS (those ones suck). These are the ones I just happen to spot.. because they're red and puffy, but only for a maximum of 2 days before they disappear on me... And they've started itching... Due to the sheer number I may be developing the allergy.. or it's probably psychological which also isn't fun.

Who would WANT to take us in?

Even if we find someone.. which I am seriously starting to doubt... We have to get rid of so much... Tevie is distraught... Because she doesn't want to lose her bed.. or the body pillows I saved up to give her as gifts to help her sleep a few years ago... Every time I try to talk about moving she tells me to stop. To shut up... Because if we manage it.. it's going to be so hard. We're losing so much.. and we don't even HAVE that much...

I'm also worried that if we move someplace and some how manage to avoid transporting.... we're not going to be looked kindly on for sleeping/eating/spending so much time on the floor.. the couch where I'm sleeping now, the chair that goes with it, all the beds... All the pads... At least half our pillows. Blankets (especially comforters).. many clothes and our few storage thingys ( specificly ones with too small crevices).. any large/unwashable stuffed animals we still have... It all has to go. There's no way we can guarantee they'll be bug free... I'm honestly terrified I'm going to have to give up my Scooby too... My comfort blanket..

What will a landlord or property manager think when they come to check on us or if we need something repaired?

Most of the furniture we are using isn't ours anyway.. it's our mom's. Lucky me.. we've completely fallen out. There goes the kitchen stuff. Washer. Dryer.

I mean it FEELS bad enough... But for some reason people really judge hard too. We wouldn't be able to to have anyone over because of all we'll lose, and poor Tevie is even more upset because of that too. We will be lucky to have my TV and our games/stations maybe... But not right away because they will need full proof decontamination.. heavy cleaning and freezing if it won't kill them (ie any electronics).. if we can borrow a freezer or have one available to us.

I have already given Tevie my promise that no matter what, she doesn't have to sleep on the floor.. that she can have my hammock since it has made my old injury act up (mostly because I suck at sleeping correctly so I hurt myself unintentionally. Another reason I really miss having a bed.) But it makes her feel worse knowing she'll be taking it from me after I fought so hard for it (it's an old guilt thing having to deal with how she was kept in place specificly). But it's something we can clean and take with us with little danger.. I hope.

I just... UGH what do I do?

If we had.. gods.. idk.. if we had a $1000 gift even... We could manage to start over... to break our lease and throw 95% of stuff out... It would be no less painful, but we could get some cheap dressers or something brand new for storage.. air mattresses or cheap frames and pads for places to sleep.. a large freezer to salvage some clothes and blankets and anything that will survive a deep freeze, plus a place for food storage all in one.. or just a small, cheap new wardrobe if nothing else. Like $50-$75 each... Money for the cost of moving ourselves.. and a deposit, first month's rent.. just a start... Until we could start to save something. Anything.. to get whatever else we may need then want.

But then even a gift of $1000 would also devaste us rn..

Due to the reporting laws, After taxes, it would push us over the minimum income for a family of 2 per month and I'd lose my health insurance (means no meds). We could be turned away from housing due to having too much in the bank... Why are poor people not allowed to have savings anymore? Why is so much demanded up front when the reason people are going into programs is because they DON'T have it??

We could NOT report it.. and then potentially get fined for fraud...

Ugh... A lot of this is worst case scenario stuff... And I could have some things wrong here... But it's what's on my mind... And the very real possibility of living out of a car here in the near future.. if I'm even allowed to keep it. If I'm not... I lose my job, which everyone already knows... My dad will take Tevie and me in in a heartbeat.. but I can't risk infesting his or anyone he gets to help's house. He and our friends can't afford it any more than we can. None of them can.. there's already 7 of my family members living in that 3 bedroom house for Pete's sake... I'd sooner opt to throw ALL my stuff away, even the clothes on my back...

I can't tell what it's going to be yet. How far it all will go.. I just know it's going to be so incredibly difficult no matter what.

...

Slightly unrelated rant here..

Meanwhile my mom doesn't have to worry about a (crumbling) roof over her head because her bf's parents own his place from what I understand. While they may struggle like us to put food on the table here and there, she never has to fear homelessness. She has a bed, a dresser, plenty of furniture, space to be herself, support.. even a bf who wants to give her MORE of all of the above.

... She's also allowed up here with access to everything anytime (I've asked for a heads up of when she does want to be here only so I can be out of her way, but that's too disrespectful of me because she pays her portion of the rent, so she's never here)... And so is never high and dry or fearful... And so feels like it wouldn't be a terrible move to just drop this place and us altogether. To take what she wants and/or needs and leave without fear.

Tevie and I are on the brink of losing everything... And she just doesn't care. I'm still angry about that too. About her lies in caring about us.. because she clearly doesn't. She doesn't HAVE to go through this with us and has chosen not to. And I don't think there's anything I CAN do about that either. I wouldn't want to go through this either.. I mean I REALLY don't want to be going through it right now.. but I, for one, have refused to abandon my sister. My job. My pet. And my hobbies (for now).. which means keeping my clothes (work has dress code).. mandatory decent night's rests.. fighting the infestation/dealing with bites... Working on moving/losing stuff all by myself... It's exhausting.. and I'm terrified.. but I can't just run away from it... (Especially cuz I got no monies to do so).. I'm mad because she CAN.. perhaps, actually, jealous is a better word than mad... because I understand. As twisted and backwards as her logic is in a lot of places.. self preservation is pretty smart technically.. and dropping all of this does mean less stress for her which is important to life...

*sigh*... I think I will need to ask for help soon... I'm the thinker.. and I am struggling to think my way through this.

I'm struggling to find a way to remain or even BECOME independent like I want to be... ESPECIALLY Because of these bugs... If we could just move.. if there were no bed bugs. If the only obstacle was getting a place we could afford and moving Into that place.. we could do it... But losing near everything in order to do it... To have to rebuild so much.... (Beds.. heck FURNITURE is expensive)... I don't think we can do that.. not alone.

Not that, hey, a table is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.. nor are chairs (posture can be worked on and upheld without those)... Nor are many pillows and blankets. One should do a person each... In Montana Winters it can get difficult.. but it's easily possible to sleep in sweaters and layers and stuff... Keep your head propped up carefully and it may be possible to avoid getting colds and back aches from sleeping on the floor too. And cats.. well they do need perches.. that bit IS important.. but they will gladly curl up next to you and in clothes to keep warm

..

Maybe I am overthinking... Maybe it's a GOOD thing to get rid of pretty much everything... I mean.. we don't NEED all of it... It's just nice.. don't need a dresser or books or a lot of clothes or a bed, really... We're human. We're animals... We're the only ones who have 'need' of these comforts and convieniences I'm so sad to lose... A nest is nice, but shelter is more important.. as is food.

Maybe... Maybe I can track down a 1 bedroom place we can afford instead of looking for a 2 bedroom and getting pegged with double the ridiculous prices... I mean.. without having living room stuff... The living room is just a room, right? It's technically my bedroom right now even... any kept TVs and electronics don't need to be off the floor if they're not plugged in...

... why am I freaking out exactly?

Well I certainly don't want to track in any bedbugs to a new place... That is valid... But the rest of it.. the rest of it does seem rather silly. I don't need to keep nearly as much as I want to. ... I suppose my biggest challenge now may be is working with Tevie to see this and be okay with it too...

Yay 3am second-wind ^^

[charlion-em]

Home Sounds Good

For @thefangirlhasarrive who won the 2nd place prize from the giveaway <3 This was such a cute prompt and I had a blast writing it!  <br>

Pairing: Peter Parker/Harry Osborn (parksborn) Rating: G Summary: Home is where you can drink milk from the carton - and also where you keep your pants. Warnings: none Words: 1,652

A/N: This was such a treat to write. I forgot how much fun it is to write these two!

It was all very domestic, and with sudden clarity Harry realized that was not a bad thing. For as much as he loved Peter, there was always a part of him which was afraid of continuing the cycle of dysfunction he came from, something which always held him back from asking for more. Though Norman was far removed from his life now, a part of Harry worried he would someday begin to mirror his father’s behavior.

Yet here they were, together for nearly a year and not a sign of slipping into the abusive behavior he grew up with; in fact, it was the exact opposite, and he thanked his lucky stars for the sunshine Peter always brought into his life.

From his seat at the dining table he watched as his boyfriend fumbled with the lid of the milk carton then tipped it to his mouth. Harry half expected the contents to drip down Peter’s chin, but the other man had plenty of practice with the savage act. He didn’t comment, and hid his fond smile behind his coffee mug.

“You’re out of milk,” Peter said. He tossed the now empty carton into the sink and sauntered over to Harry.

Harry hummed, mentally correcting ‘you’re’ to ‘we’re’. “Maybe I should start buying a whole gallon instead of a half gallon? Seeing as I’m always buying milk.”

Peter had the sense to duck his head. “Sorry Harry. I guess I’ve been spending more time here than at home. I’ll pick you up another half gallon after work, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

“Just get a gallon.” Harry grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl in the middle of his table. “You’ll drink it anyway- you practically live here.”

“No I don’t.”

Harry eyed Peter’s coat hanging by the door. It was July, and the garment had been there for months. “You can move in, I don’t know why you keep your apartment.” It was more of a flat than apartment, seeing as how the living room doubled as the bedroom- but Harry kept the comment to himself.

With a shrug, Peter walked around the table to grab his bag. He turned to Harry, who was still in his boxers. “If you don’t get going you’ll be late again.”

Harry waved him off, “I’ll be fine, pros of being the boss. I do have a later meeting, so I won’t be home until around 7.”

“Oh…” Peter paused with his hand on the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

He left before Harry could offer a late dinner. “Oh, Peter.” He shot of a text instead. Peter was right, he should get dressed and get to work.

Now that he was looking, he found a lot of Peter’s belongings intertwined with his own. It must have happened slowly, because without specifically looking everything felt in place.

They belonged.

Peter’s toothbrush wasn’t surprising, but his favorite facial lotion was. How long had it been on his bathroom counter?

Extra clothes were normal to keep at your boyfriend’s place, he probably had a spare outfit at Peter’s. But two whole drawers were full of Peter’s clothes. And the suit Peter wore to that event at the museum three months ago hung next to his in the closet.

If he wasn’t already running late, Harry would have continued to search for Peter’s things. Seeing as he would probably be alone for the evening, he would have plenty of time to look later. But what would he do with this new information?

Harry groaned as he pushed into his condo. Meetings drained his energy, and his usual mood charger had declined his invitation for a late dinner. The silence of his home was unnerving, and it was now Harry realized how long it had been since he spent a whole evening alone. Without Peter’s constant chatting or his tinkering on some new project, the condo felt empty and too large for just one person.

He decided dinner would just be a quick sandwich, nothing fancy or requiring effort. All he wanted to do was ease his growing hunger and fall onto his couch and watch reruns on t.v.. He could go over the meeting reports tomorrow when he had Peter to distract him from their monotony.

He opened the fridge to grab the lunch meat and paused, hand outstretched. On the middle shelf sat two fresh half-gallons of milk.

“Peter,” Harry sighed. He closed the door without gathering the ingredients for a sandwich. Instead, he pulled out his phone to text a quick ’really?’ to Peter. Quickly followed with ’it is cheaper to just get a gallon.’

A few seconds later Peter’s reply came through. ‘it’s called compromise.’

“OH MY GOD PETER,” Harry shouted at the ceiling. He growled, sending off another text as he began to pace. ‘just come home, pete.’

‘i am at home.’

Harry stopped in his tracks. Home. Despite his hangups, at some point he had started to consider this their home. And he thought Peter had as well. Especially given the time he spent there and the amount of belongings which were woven among his own.

Peter’s belongings.

Harry stomped into the bedroom, easily re-locating the items he’d found that morning. He aimed his phone at them, snapping quick photos of each location Peter had claimed. Peter’s clothes in the drawers and in the closet, the various hygiene items in the bathroom, and the old camera bag tossed on the chair next to the bed.

He searched the condo, snapping photos of every last bit of the evidence Peter lived there. It would look so bare without Peter’s things.

He text the photos to Peter one by one with no words of explanation. Just a slew of photos of random items which held no meaning by themselves, but spoke volumes in the context of their conversation.

After those photos were sent, Harry turned the camera around to his face. He easily morphed his face into the saddest pout he could muster.

Harry hit send with less force than he had with the other photos and fell face-first onto the couch, tossing his phone onto the floor nearby. How Peter reacted would probably determine the direction their relationship would take. Would they continue as they had been- in a limbo between casual and serious commitment- or would they push forward, take the next step? Not long after he had pushed his face into the decorative pillows, the sound of keys jiggling in the door broke the silence of the condo. Peter was the only other person to have a key. Harry rolled over enough to see the door, wondering just how Peter made it across town so quickly. It was fast, even for him.

Peter entered quickly and shut and locked the door, biting his lip when he turned and saw Harry on the couch. For what it was worth, Harry was proud he was able to hold back a burst of laughter when he took in Peter’s appearance.

He pushed himself up so he was sitting on the couch. “What are you wearing?” Harry couldn’t keep the mirth from his voice.

Peter picked at his neon yellow shirt with ‘swag’ scrawled diagonally across the chest. It clashed horribly with the dark purple and orange polka dot swim trunks and snow boots. “The shirt was Sam’s ‘gift’,” he made air quotes, “during one of his ‘get Peter to not dress like a nerd’ ‘projects’.”

Ah, Harry remembered those ‘projects’- which usually backfired since Peter managed to make anything look nerdy just by wearing it. The ‘swag’ shirt didn’t seem to be any different.

“So, uhhhh.” He shrugged, looking sheepish as he looked anywhere but Harry. “My clothes got sorta disintegrated along with my backpack… and uh, I guess my all good clothes are here?”

Harry dropped his head into his hands, knowing better than to ask why Peter’s backpack was disintegrated. Peter always gave too many details, he preferred the watered down version of Spider-Man’s exploits that the news gave.

Peter’s weight dipped the couch cushion. “And, you’re here too. I’m saving that picture as your caller ID, by the way.”

Harry sighed. “And you’ve had a key for like, ever.” He pulled his head back up, meeting Peter’s gaze. “Why are you so afraid of moving in?”

“I guess I already have, huh?”

“Peter.”

“Okay. Okay.” Peter bit his lip and scooted closer to Harry. Whenever they had a serious discussion, Peter snuggled as close as possible to Harry. “I guess, I don’t know, it’s like I’d be admitting I can’t do it myself? I’ll never be able to afford a place like this. I don’t want to be a kept man.”

“What’s mine is yours, Peter.” Harry wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “You put your life on the line for this city everyday, you deserve to be happy. So what if you don’t make a lot of money? You’re worth isn’t based on that.”

They stayed pressed together for a few moments before Harry turned and kissed Peter’s forehead. “If your only objection is the price of this place, we can shop around for something else.”

Peter shook his head and buried his face in the crook of Harry’s neck. “Are we ready? Like. It’s a big step, right?”

Harry held him tight. “I guess we decided we were ready a while ago, hmm?” Probably around the time Peter kept the spare key after Harry got back from a business trip.

“Yea, I guess my jeans knew better than I did.”

“Speaking of…” Harry pulled back and eyed Peter’s ensemble. “How about you change and we’ll go out to dinner to celebrate officially realizing you moved in?”

Peter’s smile was bright as he flipped over the back of the couch. “How about pajamas and we order take out? Stay home?”

“Home sounds good.”

And they were finally home together.

Thank you for reading!

[samuelmmarcus]

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: Painted Brick Exterior

  Hi, everyone! How are you today? I had such a wonderful weekend. I baked with my husband and even attempted to make some cheese… but don’t ask about that! LOL. Anyway, I am super happy and excited because the weather is finally changing and the sun is shinning. I am also so very happy because I adore Callie of ceshome6 and her style so much that this is the second time I have her on my “Beautiful Homes of Instagram” series. The first time, I shared her formal home (you can see it here) and it became one of my most-pinned posts! Today, I am proud to be sharing Callie’s new home and I am sure you will enjoy seeing and knowing all details as much as I did!

  “My husband and I were originally from a small town in North Texas near Oklahoma. We have known each other since kindergarten but didn’t start dating until our junior year of high school. After graduation we moved to the Dallas area for college and have stayed close ever since. We will have been married for 15 years this July and have 4 beautiful children; a 17 year old daughter, a 14 year old daughter, a 9 year old son, and a 5 year old daughter. I feel very blessed to be able to stay at home with them and take care of our family and home.

We had planned to build a home again but during our search I found this spec home and the moment I walked in I loved it. It was my style with the color selections and it was the perfect size for our family. Another bonus was that it was already complete and ready to move in. We went for it and two months later we moved into our new home.

My favorite part of the home is the long open kitchen, dining and living space in one and we spend the most time gathered in this area as a family. I’ve always loved to decorate my homes to really feel cozy and welcoming. I don’t have one specific design style but like to incorporate in different pieces I like. My home is a mix of modern, rustic, farmhouse and french country. I also try to be minimal in my decor because with having 4 kids I don’t want to have to worry so much about moving things all the time or things getting broken.”

I hope you enjoy our house tour!

  Beautiful Homes of Instagram: Painted Brick Exterior

What first caught my eye about this home was definitely the white exterior. There’s something about a white home! I was sold before I even walked in. The 2 porches in the front were also a huge selling point because we love to sit outside and watch the kids play. We have a huge open space in the front of our home that’s almost the size of a football field and perfect for football, baseball or soccer.

The exterior brick paint color is PPG Atrium White and shutters are PPG Black Forest.

Front Porch

We love that this home has 3 outdoor spaces including a front porch, a patio balcony and a side patio. 

Sunshine

A pair of outdoor chairs make this front porch feel even more inviting.

Beautiful Patio Sets: here, here, here, here, here & here.

Brick

The front porch also features brick flooring in a beautiful pattern.

Adirondack Rocking Chairs: here – similar.

Home-Sweet-Home

Callie’s home feel happy and welcoming from all angles!

“Home-Sweet-Home” Doormat: Target.

Kitchen

I absolutely love Callie’s kitchen. It’s open and spacious without feeling overwhelming.

White Kitchen with Character

The kitchen backsplash tile is Emser Tile 4×10 Metro Honed with an accent over the stove in Emser 12×12 Metro Mosaic.

Counterstools: Target – no longer available – similar here – Others: here, here, here & here.

Magnolia Wreath: here – similar.

Countertop

The kitchen countertops are Granite in Lennon.

Beautiful 3 Tiered Wooden Trays: here & here.

Kitchen Cabinet

The best part of the kitchen is the long buffet countertop that’s perfect for entertaining because we like to host parties.  This counter space runs almost 15 feet long so it holds all the food you could eat.

Cabinet Paint Color

The cabinet paint color is PPG Gypsum in semi-gloss.

Appliances: GE.

Dining Room

This entire space is perfect for entertaining.

Linen Chairs: RH – similar here & here.

Dining Room Furniture

Kitchen Table: Restoration Hardware – Other Beautiful Dining Tables: here, here, here & here.

X-back Dining Chairs: RH – similar here (huge sale!).

Vases: here – similar.

Fruit Spray Olive Branches: here.

Table Runner: here & here – similar.

Great Room

The floors in the main living areas are Red Oak hardwoods scraped lightly with the grain and stained ebony.

Beautiful Hardwood Flooring: here, here & here.

Splash of Color

I keep with a pretty neutral theme throughout the year and add in pops of color depending on the season using florals, pillows or artwork. For spring this year I’ve added in light pink, yellow, and teal.

A Little Friend

This is Jinger – pronounced Ginger… we had to change it to a “J” so she would have the same as the other kids!! I got her own couch for her to go in the living room because she’s been scratching up our leather couch with her nails and she loves it!! Target has the cutest doggie beds! I loved this buffalo plaid one and it goes so well with all my other decor!

Metal Cabinet: Universal Furniture Bannister Display Cabinet – similar here & here.

Chairs: Ashley HomeStore.

Side table: Target – similar here.

Furniture Layout

What an inspiring furniture layout! The large leather sectional is perfect for the entire family to relax and watch something at the end of the day.

Credenza: Bassett Furniture Emporium 92″ in Compass Northern Grey – Others: here, here, here & here.

Rug:  here (9×12)- Other Beautiful Rugs: here, here, here, here, here & here.

Wall & Trim Paint Color

The walls and ceilings throughout the home are painted PPG Whiskers in flat. The trim throughout is PPG Gypsum in semi-gloss.

Home Ideas

This home is a little unique because when you first walk in the front door you walk right into the living room, dining room and then the kitchen area. It’s one long space.

The leather sectional is Bassett Furniture Ellery L-shaped sectional in Stone – similar here, here, here & here.

Side table is from At Home – similar here.

Beautiful Coffee Tables: here, here, here, here & here.

Furniture & Decor

I like to shop for larger furniture pieces at Bassett Furniture, Nebraska Furniture Mart or Restoration Hardware. I’ve found that they all have great quality furniture. Most all of my small furniture and decor pieces come from Hobby Lobby, Kirkland’s, Homegoods or Target.

Decor: Console table – RH – similar here.

Throw: Target – Others: here & here.

Floral Pillow: here & here– similar

Blush Pink Pillow: here – similar.

Wood Scrabble Letter Tiles

My gallery wall is still one of my favorite things in the house!! The way this house is built this wall is hidden unless you go up the stairs! Sometimes I’ll go up there just to look at it!

The wood Scrabble letter tiles feature our names and birth dates.

Wood Scrabble Letters: here – similar.

Master Bedroom

The master bedroom is located in the back of the house.

Magnolia Inspiration

I decided I wanted a black a white theme when I saw a photo from Magnolia Home that had beautiful black wood arched frames behind the nightstands. I like to save money when possible so I found my own version from Kirkland’s (similar here) and spray painted them black to get the same look for over half the cost.

Bed & Bedding

The bed set is from the Magnolia Home line at Nebraska Furniture Mart. The bedding and lamps are from Target.

Decor

There’s a small corner in the room that was bare so I found this cute macrame wall hanging (similar here) and an olive plant at Homegoods. It’s very simple but I love it.

Faux Olive Plant: here.

Study

The study is in the front of the home off to the side when you come in the front door. I recently completed a makeover in my study by adding Weaber Lumber white washed wall boards from Home Depot to a focal wall and I love how the transformation turned out. It makes the room so bright and open. I also added greenery with these hanging macrame plant hangers from amazon. I decided to save some money by painting a few terra cotta pots from Hobby Lobby to match my decor and filled them with IKEA plants.

To really make the room pop I changed out the lighting to a beautiful wood bead chandelier from World Market. I found this desk at Restoration Hardware a few years ago and both the chair and rug are from Nebraska Furniture Mart.

Similar Desk: here – Others: here, here, here & here.

Similar Desk Chair: here.

John 10:10

Metal Sign: Vintage Metal Co.

  I hope you enjoyed the tour of my home! 

  Many thanks to Callie for sharing all of the details above.

Make sure to follow Callie on Instagram to see more of her beautiful home!

  Best Sales of the Month:

Thank you for shopping through Home Bunch. I would be happy to assist you if you have any questions or are looking for something in particular. Feel free to contact me and always make sure to check dimensions before ordering. Happy shopping!

  Serena & Lily: New Spring Arrivals! Gorgeous Pillows, Bedding & Rugs!

  Wayfair: Up to 75% OFF – Huge Sales on Decor, Furniture, Rugs & Outdoor Furniture!!!

  Joss & Main: Up to 65% Off on Outdoor Furniture & Decor!

  Pottery Barn: 20% Off Furniture, 25% Off Everything Else + Free Shipping. Use Code: LUCKY

  One Kings Lane: High Quality Design Decor for Less – Limited time only: 20% Off Furniture with Code OKLFURNISH

  West Elm: 20% Off your entire Purchase + Free Shipping: Use Code: EARNEDIT

  Anthropologie: Take an extra 40% off all sale items! See Joanna Gaines Exclusive line here!

  Urban Outfitters: Hip & Affordable Home Decor.

  Horchow: The Big Sale: 25% Off Furniture & 30% Off Sitewide!

  Nordstrom: Up to 40% OFF – Free Shipping!

  Arhaus: Save up to 30% plus Buy More Save More!

  Posts of the Week:

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: Fixer Upper.

Home Bunch’s Top 5: Kitchen Design Ideas.

Before & After Bathroom Renovation.

2019 New Year Home Tour.

Full-scale Home Remodel Inspiration.

Kitchen Renovation with Before & After Pictures.

Beautiful Homes of Instagram: How to Build your own Home.

Connecticut Beach House.

Interior Design Ideas: Colorful Interiors.

New England Home.

Interior Design Ideas: Home Renovation.Classic Colonial Home Design. Family-friendly Home Design.

New Year, New Beautiful Homes of Instagram. Georgian-Style Manor with Traditional Interiors.

Transitional Home Design.

Grey Kitchen Paint Colors.

Follow me on Instagram: @HomeBunch

You can follow my pins here: Pinterest/HomeBunch

See more Inspiring Interior Design Ideas in my Archives.

“Dear God,

If I am wrong, right me. If I am lost, guide me. If I start to give-up, keep me going.

Lead me in Light and Love”.

Have a wonderful day, my friends and we’ll talk again tomorrow.”

with Love,

Luciane from HomeBunch.com

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[artificialqueens]

A Study In (Barbie) Pink~ (Trixya) -Luci

an: sorry I haven’t been writing much, exams are a bitch!

Sherlock oneshot AU: When aspiring singer/songwriter Trixie Mattel moves to Baker Street in hopes of landing a career with a British producer, she doesn’t anticipate a genius and eccentric new roommate.

Hues of orange and pink tempered the sky, partially hidden behind the shroud of clouds. The sun was barely visible behind the tall buildings of London, sunlight reflecting off the glass. The roads were abundant with cars as people drove to work, not hesitating to plow through the streets. They didn’t stop for Trixie Mattel, as she waited impatiently to cross over to the apartment in front of her.

Eventually, an uncharacteristically kind driver slowed his car to allow her to cross the road. She wondered if perhaps he was putting her, after all, she was sure she looked a bit overwhelmed.

She dragged the rose coloured suitcase behind her, pulling it cautiously to ensure her clothes didn’t spill onto the busy roads. It had taken a lot of shoving and sitting to close the case, and Trixie was afraid of it bursting open. Only first day in England, already hit by a car. That wasn’t something she wanted to happen, but she sure as hell wouldn’t leave her wardrobe scattered on the road.

The building in front of her was lodged in between a quaint cafe, painted in a deep red. Trixie was grateful for the smell of coffee, feeling a stab of nostalgia for Milwaukee. She turned to the ebony door beside the cafe, eyes scanning the apartments’ exterior. The door knocker, gleaming gold, was askew and tilting to the side. Trixie furrowed her sculpted brow and straightened it.

She raised her hand to knock on the front door, a little tentatively. Before she even had the chance to bring her knuckles down onto the wood, the door swung open. Trixie jumped back with a loud squeal of surprise, ignoring the irritated grumbles from the people sat in the cafe. She tripped over the guitar case she had been pulling behind her and fell onto the concrete with a thud.

A hand reached out to help her up, long red nails digging into Trixie’s skin as the stranger pulled her to her feet. Trixie brushed down her coral dress, blushing furiously as she heard her helper stifle a laugh. The snigger made Trixie cast her eyes down to the ground. She picked up her guitar case, hugging it to her chest to make sure she wouldn’t trip over it and embarrass herself again.

“That looks heavy, can I help you with it?” The stranger offered, seemingly unaffected by the chagrin she had caused Trixie. Still in a fluster, Trixie shook her head gently.

“You must be my new roommate, right? Let me help you with your bags, I’ll take them up to 221b. It’s up a flight of stairs, and you don’t seem to have a wonderful balance.” The stranger shrugged an apology when Trixie glared, a harsh mixture of confusion and offense.

“You’ve got the wrong girl, sorry. I wasn’t told about any roommate.” Trixie spoke, accusation in her voice. The stranger scanned her up and down, staring with calculating eyes. Trixie felt small under her gaze.

“You were approached by the landlady, Mrs. Kasha Davis, and she offered you a place to stay. Judging by the guitar, she felt pity for you since she couldn’t quite make it in the music industry herself. She’s sentimental like that. You aren’t wearing a coat, so you clearly packed it away knowing your new home isn’t far away. In fact, 221 Baker Street is exactly 3 miles from the train station.” After rambling frantically, the stranger gave a smile.

“How the bloody fuck did you know all that?” Trixie couldn’t contain her small gasp of surprise.

“I’m a genius. Well, actually, you’re holding a key to 221b, which is my apartment. And I was told to tidy away any experiments in case I scared my new roommate away.” The stranger grinned, watching the amazement on Trixie’s face fade slightly.

Trixie narrowed her eyes, taking in the appearance of the stranger for the first time. Her sudden new roommate watched her with blue eyes, flecked with gray and judgment. Her dark arched eyebrows furrowed slightly. Blonde curls fell to her shoulders, framing her oval face.

“What kind of experiments would scare me away?” Trixie asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

The woman tapped the side of her nose knowingly, “I don’t kiss and tell. I’m Katya by the way, in case you didn’t know.”

Trixie was still frozen to the ground, watching with wide fearful eyes when Katya reached down to Trixie’s cases. She picked them up and made her way through the front door, tilting her head to encourage Trixie to follow her. With a gulp and a sharp inhale of breath, she did so.

Trixie followed Katya up the narrow staircase, turning left to the first door on the landing. The door was a dark wood and creaked with age when Katya unlocked it. She gestured for Trixie to go in first.

Conscious of her heels hitting the wooden floor, Trixie glanced worriedly at the wall ahead of her. Pictures stuck to the patterned wallpaper, consisting of what seemed to be crime scenes, and Trixie flinched at the more graphic ones. Some were connected by a red string, matching faces to buildings and murder scenes.

“Oh, don’t mind that. It’s just a case I’m working on. The husband did it, pretty obvious really. No one checks the ankles.” Katya shrugged, gesturing dismissively to the wall of crime. Trixie nodded nervously and dragged her eyes away from it.

“So, you’re a police officer?” Trixie asked, noticing the files resting on an armchair.

“Wouldn’t go that far, I’m pretty sure you have to pass exams to be a police officer. Which I couldn’t do, considering I have the physique of a 60-year-old chain smoker.” Katya announced, strangely cheerfully, before offering Trixie a seat opposite her.

“Well I’m pretty sure normal people’s apartments don’t look like a workaholic detective’s office, so if you’re not a police officer then what are you?” Trixie asked, a frown forming on her face.

“You aren’t entirely wrong. I’m a private investigator, rent-a-detective if you will.” Katya explained.

Trixie laughed softly, “ ‘rent-a-detective’ just makes you sound like a really intelligent prostitute.”

Katya wiggled her eyebrows with a smirk and laughed too. Trixie had been somewhat intimidated by the woman since they’d met; Katya’s serious and mysterious demeanor threatened her. However, seeing her laugh like a tea kettle whistling to the point of bursting changed her mind somewhat. The sound was so peculiarly charming that Trixie couldn’t help but laugh with her.

“So, shall I tell Mrs. Kasha Davis that next time she should tell someone they should be expecting a roommate, or are you gonna live here?” Katya asked, pulling her legs onto the chair and sitting cross-legged. She leaned towards Trixie, eager to hear her answer.

“I suppose I might as well stay here. It’s not like I can afford much else on my salary.” Trixie shrugged, breaking the intense eye contact she had fallen into with her new roommate.

“Don’t you worry about money, I make quite a lot of it. You’d be surprised how many cases the police aren’t able to solve. There was a murder last week, it was simple enough. A woman had been killed by a hired assassin. Brother wanted the money from the will. Some of the officers are completely stupid.” Katya shrugged.

“Remind me never to get murdered in London, then.” Trixie grimaced, the pictures stuck to the wall not helping her get over the eerie atmosphere.

“Nah, don’t worry, I’ll solve it for you. Might even avenge you, but that’ll cost you extra.” Katya wiggled her finger in front of Trixie with her charming grin. Trixie pushed down the butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

“You can have the spare room, you’re lucky since it’s probably the only clean room in the apartment. Also, no bullet holes, which is a bonus.” Katya announced as she opened the door in front of them, revealing a plain room with cream wallpaper and matching furniture. Trixie grinned, knowing the cream would go very nicely with all her pink accessories.

Trixie was busy picturing the room after her personal touches when the phone rang. It shocked her from her thoughts and made her jump. Katya chuckled quietly to herself as she picked up the phone. Whoever spoke on the other end made her frown.

“An unsolvable murder? Isn’t that what you said last week? Put me on with a real officer Chachki, I want to talk to an adult. Don’t ‘I am a real officer’ me, we’ve been over this. You have to be smart to be an officer. Fine, fine, I’ll be there in 20.” Katya ended the phone call with a sigh, spinning around to face Trixie.

“I’ve gotta go, I’ll spare you the details but it’s pretty gruesome. I’ll see you in a few hours. Ask Mrs. Kasha Davis to bring you a drink, she’ll either get you wine or tea, it’s like a fun Russian roulette.” Katya explained as she picked up a red trench coat from where it hung over a chair.

“Wait, would you…mind if I came with you?” Trixie asked, suddenly feeling very shy and self-conscious as Katya gazed at her in amusement.

“Little Miss Trixie already given up on being a singer? I don’t blame you, being a detective is much more fun.” Katya grinned widely.

“So, is that a yes?” Trixie asked, but she figured out the answer on her own as Katya threw her own pink coat at her and hurried her out the door.

Katya whistled for a taxi, waving her hand widely to get one’s attention.

“Maybe you could be the first consulting detective songwriter. Write songs about our cases and whatnot.” Katya suggested enthusiastically as she climbed into the back of the taxi and waited for Trixie to follow her.

They headed towards the crime scene after Katya barked some very direct and clear instructions. The taxi driver, clearly dazed by Katya’s bluntness, pulled up to the victim’s driveway silently, only moving to accept the money that Trixie was putting into his hand. She muttered a thanks before chasing after Katya, who was running towards the house like a hound during a fox hunt.

The room was dull, decorated with a brown colour scheme and dark wooden furniture. All of the dark curtains were drawn, and a dying orchid sat on the table. The room clearly hadn’t seen sunlight in a long time. Trixie’s nose burned at the horrific smell ahead of her. She was handed a mask, and she now knew why.

Katya shot her a look that said, “follow me,” as she walked over to the front room. Judging by the smells hitting her nose and the crowds of people, she guessed this was where the body had been found. Katya slipped on some gloves and knelt down by the body, hidden by a cloth. Trixie’s cheeks flushed as she saw the state of the woman. She didn’t look too bad; it hadn’t been what Trixie had expected. There was only one pool of blood behind her head.

However, much like Trixie, the woman had been wearing an outfit of entirely pink. She had noticed members of the police had been giving her strange looks, and she now knew it was because of her attire. What were the odds of a murder victim having the same dress sense of her?

Trixie glanced down at Katya for help, but the detective was lost in thought, mumbling to herself. Trixie had grown concerned as she saw the deepening frown on Katya’s face. The woman was cheerful and eccentric, a frown wasn’t usual for her.

One officer, with long ebony hair tied in a ponytail and a very short tube skirt, was bending over Katya and offering theories. Katya swatted her away with a distracted 'shoo’. The officer pouted and made her way over to Trixie.

“You’re the great detective’s new girlfriend? Must be special, she doesn’t bring anyone to crime scenes. The freak thinks it’s too intimate, how weird is that?” The officer huffed, staring pointedly at the back of Katya’s hair.

“I’m not her girlfriend. And, well, everyone has hobbies. At least it’s not stamp collecting, right?” Trixie joked nervously. The officer narrowed her eyes, judging whether or not Trixie was just as weird as Katya, or if she was just ignorant to the detective’s quirks.

“Chachki, I would appreciate if you didn’t harass my roommate.” Katya loomed over Trixie and Chachki, her eyes narrowed and threatening. Chachki rolled her eyes and put her hands up in defense.

“Whore.” Katya mumbled as the officer walked away, simultaneously with Chachki, who muttered, “bitch.”

“Hey, can I talk to you outside for a moment?” Trixie asked, gesturing to the small garden behind them. Katya nodded dismissively but followed Trixie out the back doors anyway. The garden was just as bland as the interior. There was not a flower in sight, only some weeds and a dead tree, sagging against the fence.

Trixie crossed her arms, glaring at Katya as she paced around the garden. Trixie could practically see her mind racing.

“What’s wrong, Trix? I’m kinda busy at the moment.” Katya asked, pausing from her excessive thinking to address Trixie.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you! You haven’t said a word to me since we got here!For the last few hours you’ve just been ignoring me.” Trixie hissed, watching Katya’s pucker her lips.

"I’m sorry, I just really need to solve this.” She answered quietly, her voice only just audible.

When Trixie looked confused, Katya sighed dramatically and loudly.

“Someone’s trying to send me a message. It’s a warning, you understand? The lady is wearing pink, she had scratches and mud on her ankles from them being hit with a suitcase. She’s from out of town. The pink lady, she represents you, and what will happen to you if you stay with me.” Katya explained, her voice low. Trixie’s eyes widened in shock at the idea of her life being threatened. She certainly hadn’t signed up for this.

“I’m not going to end up like her, Katya. I promise you, I’ll be fine. Now, we have a murderer to find.” Trixie announced, her bravado masking the fear she felt inside. Katya tilted her head at Trixie, a soft smile forming on her dark red lips.

“You really are something special, aren’t you Trixie? Well, that’s good for me, I only take on the best of the best. And you’re right, we do have a murderer to find.” Katya answered, taking a hold of Trixie’s hand. She pulled the woman along as she ran back inside the house.

[codango]

Hmmm how about....#4 - Don’t you just wanna reach out and touch it? (Obi/Shirayuki)

Don’t touch anything that isn’t yours (2,281 words)

“Don’t you just wanna reach out and touch it?”

Shirayuki jerked her head away from the window and stared at Yuzuri. Her roommate was focused on the tall young man standing in the quad below. Admittedly Shirayuki had been similarly occupied a moment earlier. The key difference was that she’d thought she was staring at him while she was alone.

“Touch what?” Shirayuki couldn’t stop herself from asking.

“Oh, come on.” Yuzuri leaned a forearm on the window. If any of the guys below happened to look up, there would be no pretending that she wasn’t watching them. “How many scars like that have you seen? So dark and mysterious,” she cooed.

“You want to touch Obi’s scar?” Shirayuki asked, aghast.

Yuzuri shot her a smirk. “Knew what I was talking about, didn’t you?”

“None of the other guys have one!”

“You know that? Shirayuki!” Yuzuri clucked. “I don’t even know if Suzu has any! Coward’s only let me see him with his shirt off once.”

“I-I don’t want to touch Obi’s scar,” Shirayuki managed. I think. I’m pretty sure. “That’s very personal, and I would never—”

“Baby girl.” Yuzuri pushed away from the window and smoothed a patronizing hand over Shirayuki’s hair. “I promise I was being hypothetical. I would never, ever…” She swept her hand down to pat Shirayuki’s cheek once. “…touch your man.”

Shirayuki backed up so hard her head banged against the window. “He is not!” she screeched and immediately wished she hadn’t reacted at all because who says that and also Yuzuri’s face was every kind of smug.

Yuzuri put a hand on the windowsill on either side of Shirayuki, crowding her until Shirayuki’s back was flush with the pane. “You spend all night together once a week in the newspaper office.” A laugh threatened to break free. “Every Tuesday night, you’re there, and he’s there, and you’re telling me nothing ever happens?”

Shirayuki wondered if her cheeks were the same color as or brighter than her hair. “I’m there because I’m the editor, and he’s there because he’s the only photographer I’ve got this semester!”

Yuzuri held her gaze for a moment, then glanced over Shirayuki’s shoulder and out the window. “Oh, would you look at that.”

Shirayuki whirled around to stare down into the quad before she could stop herself. Obi, Suzu, Mitsuhide, Zen, and Raji were all looking up at her dorm room window.

Yuzuri whispered in her ear, “It’s Tuesday.”

With an air that suggested she was satisfied with her work, Yuzuri threw her bag over one shoulder and sauntered out of their room. “Don’t touch anything that isn’t yours!” she called as the door shut behind her.

Shirayuki swallowed hard but didn’t take her eyes off Obi. While the others wore various expressions of confusion (Zen and Raji) and pleasant greeting (Suzu and Mitsuhide), Obi looked like a cat stalking an oblivious fat little bird. Sort of predatory but mostly amused.

3:06 a.m.

It was right about this time every week that Shirayuki, face planted on her desk in front of a fabulously expensive computer she’d never be able to afford once she graduated, would decide that she despised the university newspaper.

No one ever had their stories in the Friday before. No one. Ever. If she was lucky, she’d have most of them by Tuesday morning, a couple trickling in over the course of the day, but there was always, always at least one that didn’t come in until the wee hours of Wednesday morning. Her deadline to ship the file to the printer was 8 a.m.

She should be a stricter editor. Professor Garrak would back her up. She could do it, slap penalties on all of her tardy peers that would be reflected in their grades, refuse to let their bylines run this week, never give them a story again, something.

The lock clicked in the door to the little house that served as a newspaper office for the journalism department. Shirayuki didn’t even lift her head. When she and Obi had met at the office at seven that night, she might have been a bit pink in the face. A tad nervous after Yuzuri’s suggestive comments in their room earlier.

But that had been eight hours ago.

Right now, she would only lift her head for a) that damn story she needed for page ten or b) Obi completely ass-naked. Neither scenario being likely, she’d keep her head right where it was plastered to her desk, thanks.

Quiet footsteps and a low chuckle behind her sent a shiver up her spine. “Still hasn’t sent it in, huh?”

“I got a text twenty minutes ago that said ‘final edits being made.’ Raji isn’t getting another story for the rest of the semester,” she threatened.

“You say that every week.” Obi came closer. “And somehow he still has a story this week.” A bag rustled, and Shirayuki felt a soft thud next to her head.

“Yeah, well, it’s unfortunate that he’s literally the best writer I’ve got this semester—” Shirayuki turned her head over to glare at whatever Obi had put on her desk. Her mouth dropped open.

A fifth of rye filled her vision.

And Obi’s hand. Obi’s hand was resting casually on the desk next to it. With long fingers and neat nails and dark skin and callouses. This too was in her field of vision.

Closing her eyes, she sat up straight. “Obi.”

“Shirayuki.” His voice was barely hidden laughter, and it was buckets of unfair.

“Why is there grain alcohol in my newsroom.”

“Newsroom.” Even with her eyes closed, Shirayuki knew he was looking around the shabby house just to be a dramatic shit. “Is that what we’re calling it now?”

“Obi.” Her eyes snapped open, and she hoped she looked stern. “If I lose my position because of this, I will...absolutely…” How could he look that good at three in the morning? How could anyone? Shirayuki wanted to die of embarrassment from her dark circles and her stringy hair and then she wanted to sleep. In that order.

“What are you going to do between now and whenever Raji gets his ass together enough to send in his story?” Obi challenged. He was leaning against the desk with one arm, legs crossed at the ankles, hip cocked in ripped black skinny jeans. “You’ve already laid out the whole paper. I’ve edited all the art, it’s in place, including the photos that go with Raj’s piece—you’ve even drafted the email alerting the printer that the file’s on the way.” He raised an eyebrow, and his scar pulled at the skin of his forehead. “What could you possibly do right now except drink?”

Shirayuki didn’t know many guys who could pull off a frayed scarf over a bleach-stained T-shirt, but Obi managed. Obi always managed.

He held the bottle out to her.

She eyed it like he’d offered her a snake. “I could study.”

“It’s three thirty.”

“I could catch up on—”

“It’s three thirty.” He straightened from the desk and uncorked the bottle. Shirayuki watched his every move and only belatedly wondered if she should try to be less obvious about it. “You have zero brainpower to do anything right now except drink and then toss Raji’s unedited story into that file as soon as he sends it in.”

He drank straight from the bottle. The way his throat moved conjured up every wet dream Shirayuki had enjoyed for the past year.

“I’m gonna edit it,” she mumbled.

He lowered the bottle and licked his lips. Probably not on purpose. “I know you are. Shouldn’t, but you are. Asshole doesn’t deserve it.” Obi sat (his perfect ass) on the desk and held out the bottle again.

“Only person who looks bad if an unedited story goes out is me.” But she took it. She’d never had rye before. One drink wouldn’t hinder her ability to smooth out a story from a decent writer, surely.

Obi watched her, eyes bright.

She scowled at him. “You haven’t won anything.”

“Nope.” He grinned.

“If this bottle stays in this building over night, I am denying any knowledge of its existence.”

“Yep.”

“This is all your fault, you realize.”

“Shirayuki. Are you going to take a drink or not, because I would like—”

Shirayuki put the bottle to her lips and sloshed back a mouthful.

“Wait—!”

Her eyes went wide.

Obi grabbed the back of his head. “Ohhhh shit…”

“Oh my god—!” She choked. “—what the hell—” Inhaled deeply. “—is this mother of—” Gagged and forced it back down. “Jesus Christ!”

“You’re not supposed to drink it like that!”

“I literally just had one sip!”

“You shot it like a sailor!”

“Is that not how you’re supposed to do it?!”

“Shooting whiskey is for advanced drinkers only, not editors of school newspapers!”

“Those are not mutually exclusive!”

“If you use phrases like mutually exclusive at three a.m., you are not an advanced drinker!”

“You are making all of this up as you go!”

Obi grabbed the bottle from her unresisting grip. “Here,” he said. He was doing a piss-poor job of hiding his laughter this time. “Slowly. Like you’re drinking fine wine, not like you haven’t had water in a month.”

Shirayuki narrowed her eyes and watched (again) as Obi made drinking straight from a bottle look obscenely sensual (again). The burn was dying in her throat, leaving a pleasantly warm line from her mouth to her gut.

She held out her hand.

Obi lowered the bottle, surprised. “You want more?”

She grabbed it. Like fine wine, he’d said. She’d had wine before. Once. Carefully, she let the burn barely coat her lips. She licked her lips. “Hm.” It was still liquid fire, but maybe there was some fruit in there too? She drank again, a fractionally deeper sip. “This is rye, you said?”

“Uh…uh huh.” He almost dropped the bottle when she handed it to him.

“Hm.” She leaned back in her (fabulously expensive) computer chair. (She’d never be able to afford one like this after graduation.) “I like it. ‘s good.”

Obi laughed softly and shifted his seat on the desk to face her. One leg was braced straight against the floor, the other was bent at the knee on her desk. She scooted her chair closer. She could almost casually rest her hands on his jeans.

“Well, good. Cuz I bought it to celebrate.” He took another slow sip.

Shirayuki blinked up at him. “I don’t…what?”

He grinned down at her, with his pretty golden eyes and his short dark hair and his stupid (ly cool) scarf and that scar above his barely-there eyebrows. She hoped he didn’t ask her to repeat her question because she’d forgotten it.

“We’re halfway done.” He held out the bottle to her. “After this paper, we’ll have filed half our quota for the semester.”

She took the bottle, turning that data over in her mind. “Really? Half done?” The semester was half over already? “Huh.” She drank a larger mouthful than she should have, but she only coughed once.

“Yeah. How ‘bout that?” He watched her.

“That’s…” Shirayuki leaned closer to him, ostensibly to return the whiskey but mostly to rest her forearms on his leg in front of her. “That’s good?”

It was the closest they’d been physically, despite the many late nights they’d shared in this crappy house all year long. His calf muscle was warm through her long-sleeved T-shirt.

Obi was motionless, sitting on the desk, one leg pinned beneath her folded arms. “I dunno,” he said quietly after a moment. “Is it?”

She didn’t feel like answering. Maybe it was the warmth of the whiskey or the warmth of part of him underneath part of her, but she was strangely content to let the silence carry. He should be able to guess what she thought about it anyway. And if he couldn’t…

Shirayuki lifted a hand. She’d like to be able to say it moved without thought. She’d like to be able to blame the rye. She ran her nails through the front of his short hair, let her fingers brush over his forehead. Carefully avoided the scar but studied it along with the rest of his face…his eyes, wide at first and then hooded; his mouth, clenched tight and then relaxed and open to allow a few hard breaths.

She started to rise from her chair just as he bent his head. The smell of whiskey was everywhere, from the bottle, his breath, hers—

Ping!

Shirayuki’s eyes flew open wide. Obi groaned. “Are you kidding me?”

“Th-that’s my, um, email,” she said meekly and sank back into her chair.

Obi glared at the newspaper’s computer. “Yup. Yup, it is.” He got to his feet.

“Obi?”

“Drop the story in,” he said on his way out the door. “I’m gonna take out the recycling and make sure all my batteries are charging. I’ll be ready to go by the time you’ve shipped the file.”

“Oh,” she managed in a tiny voice. Great. Perfect. She’d only been fantasizing about having him over this desk for a year, and now thanks to rye whiskey and Raji Shenazard, that was all she’d ever get. She focused on downloading the story and tried not to be bitter.

“And Shirayuki…”

She spun around in her chair. Obi leaned back into the house, an exasperated look on his face. “Raji definitely doesn’t get a story next week.” He gave her a flat nod and let the door shut behind him.

Shirayuki bit back a smile and began editing the story for page ten.

[gaiatheorist]

“This Anxiety Thing.”

I’m now 2/3 of the way through the NHS ‘Introduction to Anxiety’ course, that it’s taken over two years to be allocated onto. I hate it. ‘Hate’ is a strong word, what I mean to say is that there are many elements to the thing I actively dislike. It’s a stepped process, and if I don’t complete next week’s session, I’ll be bounced out of the system, and have to wait to go on the waiting list again.

The lovely ladies that run the course invited 20 people to each of the two 90-minute sessions they run on a Friday. They only laid out 10 chairs in the room, and they knew that they wouldn’t fill them all, at the end of my first session, a couple of people said they might not come back, and I volunteered to swap into the earlier session, to make the numbers easier. That would have made four participants. One of the facilitators was watching the waiting-room before she did the photocopying, and she guessed-right the number of us that would actually show. Three. (Side-slant, about the NHS not being able to afford photocopying wastage, they probably run this course multiple times, but can’t ‘save’ any spare copies for the next run, in case the budget needs to be trimmed again, and it’s cut.) That’s the level of damage, or disengagement, or just not-being-able-to they’re working with, by the time ‘we’ get our appointments for the ‘Introduction to’, ‘we’ are already at a stage where some of us can’t sit in a room for 90 minutes with other people. Have that, ‘Minister for Loneliness’ and ‘Community Prescribing’, it takes so long to get into the system that some of us are already beyond sitting in a room watching YouTube clips.

I’m finding it very challenging. Not the content, I could have written most of it, but the process. There’s a snarky mind-loop of the very lucid priest sitting in the Hairy-Hands-Hospice in the Father Ted episode, the one who says “I really shouldn’t be here, you know.”, while the other priests are yelling “Feck!” and “Girls!” and “Drink.” There’s also a niggle in me that I mustn’t go all ‘Randal P McMurphy’, and be an obstacle to the progress of the other two participants. That’s not to say that I’m ‘faking it’, just that my anxiety-behaviours, like most things about me, are atypical. The control-behaviour in me, when I know a situation is not under my control is a massive strand of my anxiety-thing. Hyper-vigilant, I watch and listen, and then I usually either show off, or clown about. (There was a bit of ‘tears of a clown’ after last week’s session, I just crashed and slept after this one, I’ve been ill most of this week, I was exhausted.) The other two participants are VERY quiet, I don’t think the girl spoke at all, other than to confirm her name, and the man only spoke when addressed directly. I tried to keep a lid on it, and not answer every question. I deliberately dedicated a bit of my conscious awareness to making sure I wasn’t the only one talking, that’ll be why I greyed-out part way through. My ‘executive functioning’ can be patchy when I’m distracted, profoundly ironic, because when a thing has my full attention, I’m still highly functional. I should have been focusing on JUST the course content, but I had a backing-track of “Don’t act the goat.”, with a chorus of “Let the other participants speak.” and a pervasive-thought bridge of “This is not the right place for me.” Oh, and the projector was knackering my eyes, everything smelled fusty because of the rain, and I was simultaneously regretting eating a McDonald’s on the way, and wondering what nonsense I’d be able to buy the kid from town and still catch the bus home before dark. 

This course is a sifting process. We’ve passed the stage of random individuals telling us to pull our socks up and just get on with it, we’ve negotiated past the doctor’s-receptionist-dragons, to be patted on the head and told to get on with it. I was eventually lucky with the third GP I saw at my practice, the first one said “No, lass, you don’t need ‘that’, you need ‘this’.”, and two years later, it transpired that I did indeed need the ‘that’. The second one was worse “No, I can’t write you a sick-note for stress for ‘that’, that would stress anyone.” Erm, Hello, I’m someone, and it’s stressing me to a point where I can’t function. I followed protocol, that’s what I do. I filled in all of the right forms, and ticked all of the right boxes during my ‘descent into Hell for a bottle of milk’, it took all of my cognitive capacity just to stay afloat, I’m still scrubbing the metaphorical flood-stains off the walls.

Natural attrition, and human collateral, some people will sink, I’m a kicker.

I bed-blocked 16 sessions of IAPT counselling. A chirpy-chap telling me week after week that he admired my resilience, that some people wouldn’t be so tenacious, determined, focused, driven, brilliant, intriguing, able-to-survive. I don’t respond to praise and platitudes, I hit a plateau, and neither of us could shift me beyond that. He eventually ‘let me go’ when it looked like I had a referral for more appropriate intervention on the horizon. That mirrored the experience of trying to access meaningful therapy 2 years ago, Workplace Well-being didn’t want to take me on, because they’d made a referral to Neurology (which was never acted upon), my former employers weren’t going to pay for therapy for me, and their suggested alternative was wildly inappropriate. NHS-general mental health didn’t want to take me on because my employers were advised to buy-in therapy... that was ‘juggling a hot potato’ episode 1. Episode 2 was the Community Mental Health team saying they couldn’t take me on until the Neuro-Psych assessment had concluded it wasn’t entirely a physical-brain issue, and then Neuro-Psych giving me four agonising pages of reports on which bits of my brain didn’t work properly, and deciding that it WAS a mental health issue. It’s to be hoped that the gruesome game of pass-the-parcel I am doesn’t have any chocolate in it, I’ve been bundled hither and yon so much it will be melted. 

Unless you’re in absolute crisis, you have to wait for NHS mental health intervention. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been pretty close to that at various points over the last few years. In my case, it’s a combination of missed opportunities, and my stubborn streak. I can ‘appear’ functional for short stretches of time, but it’s bastard hard work, I go into my ‘emotional overdraft’, and tend to have to write-off the next day. (Due to having mental health issues and brain damage at the same time, my physical brain is no longer ‘playing with a full deck’.)  It’s very difficult, but I CAN do it, apart from that worrying grey-out yesterday, one of the facilitators asked me what phrase I’d used in an earlier answer, and it was just gone, no recall at all. (It was ‘graded exposure’, I have a phenomenal recall when I get something wrong, in 1988, I scored 99/100 in my secondary school entry spelling test, I’d transposed letters, and spelled the word ‘health’ as ‘helath’, the teacher was Mr James, nobody in the entire class scored 100, I was siting next to Gill, and she’d had a cough, so Mr James had given her a drink of water in his nasty old coffee mug.) 

I know I have some anxiety-behaviours, I know I’ve effectively ‘closed down’ very large parts of my world with my various resistances and aversions. Next week’s session is going to be the hardest one, covering the cognitive aspects of anxiety. It’s going to highlight how incongruent I am, how atypical, because, although I have some traits consistent with anxiety, the ‘anxieties’ are symptomatic of a deeper cause, we don’t need to ‘fix’ (most of) my anxiety. I ‘can’ do big, horrible, scary things, I can do things that other people can’t. This tiny, insular, closed-down world I live in is not because I can’t do things, it’s because I won’t. I have the ‘skill’, I just don’t apply the ‘will’. A cumulative toll of very challenging circumstances have led to me almost totally collapsing in on myself, and I’m beating myself up for ‘taking up a space’ on the anxiety course. I’m stupid-fearless, your original Pound-shop Wonder-Woman, there are very few things I CAN’T do, but about five billion things that I find difficult, so either avoid them, or find some mad work-around that works-for-me.

Linear-logical, I need to complete the anxiety course, because that’s the only way I’ll progress to the 1:1 ‘evaluation’, where I’ll apologise for ‘taking up a space that would have better served someone else’, and reveal the truth of me. (Mad analogy, there, about which of the kids in the Chocolate Factory I’d be, what’s my flaw? I have Charlie’s good-natured poverty, but I also have traits of the others, I don’t watch as much TV as Mike, my obsessions aren’t quite as entrenched as Violet’s, but I am absolutely adamant about what I want, like Verruca. I don’t want the world, I want to be as functional as I can be within it.) The anxiety course was a best-fit alternative from the options offered to me ‘off the peg’. I have a massive, pervasive anxiety about   harming other people. It’s not new, and I don’t think any amount of graduated exposure is ever going to undo it. It’s very easy to unpick, I’ve had a chain of people in my life do me significant harm, and I don’t want to be them. A snowball rolling downhill, I’ve picked up scars, and slights, and scandals, and slurs, and carried them with me, determined not to pass them on. I try very hard not to deliberately hurt others, to help and heal where I can.

That’s why I’m so strung-out wrung-out, I know I shouldn’t be on that course, but I also know it’s my only way in to productive intervention. I’m using up too much brain-space ‘guarding’ other people from me, because I’m an absolute nightmare. All the while, in the background, I have the conditionality of the Universal Credit and PIP systems drawing on the resources I should be using to ‘get better’.  The ‘safety net’ has me well and truly tangled.