#AJSDFKLAJDF AAAAA

[vcseojoon]

he dragged up the steps like a dog with a limp, panting out of breath and a with keen sense of smell. @emrysvc  so close─ seojoon can smell him, soft and warm, sage and thyme. and time, it was; time to pack on the defenses over his raw emotions.  just do it, sometimes he thinks. give in faster, why keep putting it off, but then he sneers at himself, eyes of tired hate as he looks himself in the mirror. he’s never, ever going to give up on himself and what he wants or stands for. it’s everyone elses’ job to give the fuck up on him. he can’t do it to himself, too. all he wants is to be normal, and if that means he stands his ground until he can’t anymore, over and over, he’ll never give up on this one thing. he doesn’t rap knuckles on the door, just drops his forehead against wood with a loud thwack that resounds through his skull, eyes closed and palm pressed against it. “em? you in there baby?” yes, is the answer. he can smell the life wafting through cracks in the door frame, a warm body that he aches to take upon his own. “i’d really like to come in. can i?” he mumbles, pushes himself to a stand and gathers himself as usual. it’s become easy over the years, fake it til you make it─ spine cranked straighter and lips curled into a smirk, he shoves hands into pockets and his resting expression is tired but clear enough. he’s not as close to the edge as he usually in when he drags himself like a ghost through em’s door. so it’s easier, but not by much.

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I am a Failure

Recently, I have been contemplating failure and its spiritual dimensions. In large part, this is because failure’s counterpart, success, is such a strange thing to pin down. I think Daniel Berrigan was onto something when he referred to success as being a weasel word and horribly American. But this recent contemplation of mine is also because, by all accounts, Jesus of Nazareth was a failure as well. Certainly, he had the makings of a successful person, but in the end, he died scandalized and humiliated on a Roman Cross.

As I was recently reminded at a gathering of Lutherans, many are certainly happy to celebrate Jesus becoming a failure for us, but those qualities that brought him to a Roman cross seem to be overlooked for the systematic nature of Paul’s letters. At times, I am not so sure what to make of this dynamic, because when Jesus’ words are referenced, they are just as quickly taken out of context.

It might seem strange that I am writing about failure, given my background as a pastor and professor with a Ph.D. I think I would be considered a “success” by some. However, in a very real sense, I don’t know what to do with such a judgment. Not because I am against being considered a success, but because there is so much more to me than just these things. There are many places where I might be deemed a failure. I resigned from a reputable pastoral position in part because of interpersonal dynamics, I struggle with OCD, I can certainly worry about the most ridiculous things, and I can be harsh and impatient. My successes can all too easily cover up my failures or, in another very real sense, my humanity. However, what strikes me through all my experiences is that it is in the failures and the struggles that the gold is found. After all, Christians believe that one man’s failure is what saves us from our sins.  

Recently, I read a great interview with theologian William T. Cavanaugh concerning success and failure. In the interview, Cavanaugh explains how, when it comes to positions of power and our desire for them, we rarely ask or consider how the position might change us. Rather, we often view it in the opposite direction, with a very individualistic lens, on how we can change the world through our position. I thought this was such a powerful insight, as we tend to approach the world around us in such ways when, in all actuality, the world around us influences us far more than we influence it. And really, wasn’t that the struggle of Jesus of Nazareth, not succumbing to the influence of the world? Satan tempted him with the very things that make for a successful person: power, prestige, and security, and certainly, no cross. Peter rebuked him over all his cross talk. And certainly had Jesus been more agreeable, he could have found a seat at the table of his enemies, the Pharisees. Yet, the ultimate symbol of failure lay ahead of him for all to see. I suppose we can say that such is what happens when one does not seek success, but instead faithfulness to the ways of God – failure.

Source: I am a Failure