#AAAHHHHH another new month another burst of inspiration

[dreamydarkblue]

warm hands brushing the hot tea cup

| randomscenarios |

rating: T

warnings: depression, death mention

word count: 700

tagging: @lasswithumor @ravenadottir @bubblelaureno @ariendiel @mistyeyedbi @gin-o-clock @offtopicoverload

notes: i truly think the loneliest moment in life is staring at the sunrise. alone and awake. knowing you should have slept through the night, but feeling like tomorrow won't be different. music suggestion, sorrow by sleeping at last.

I never had anyone to wake up with.

It sounds silly and, it is probably, but i always rubbed my eyes alone.

Lifted my blanket off my legs and stretched alone.

It gets boring quickly.

Maybe that's why i started staying up til the sunrise.

The colours look so pretty, and it feels like the day greets me.

It feels like i am welcomed, and everything will be alright.

I don't feel so alone then, just for a second.

After that comes the hurt of not being able to share this moment and feeling with someone.

I am sad and the blues at the top of the sky make it worse.

And as i go down i see it withering away to white, just before mixing with yellow, and it reminds me of sorrow.

The taste of it very sour, like homemade lemonade i used to make in middle school.

And then it turns into orange, the deeper i go the deeper i feel.

I talked to my therapist the other day and she says depression can make you see the world through the lens of sadness and hopelessness.

I guess she is kinda right about that.

Even the moments that were once so precious to me, that used to bring me comfort, now hurts more than i could have expected.

Everything feels too complicated, i just wish growing up wasn't this difficult.

Because i don't want to see the world through my eyes anymore, it's all so tiring.

And i am sorry but i did kind of lie about getting up and stretching, because even that feels like a chore now.

I used to be so scared of my mom finding my cousin and i staying up and trying to make the best of our limited time together.

Talking about anything and everything in between, doing the silliest things i couldn't imagine doing with someone else.

And i remember us seeing the moon disappearing and the sun going up, laughing it off and eventually going to sleep.

The warmth of the sun on our tired faces and the colours of the sky hugging us like we were newborns.

Maybe that's why i stay up now, i just want to feel that way again.

I was always too nostalgic for my own good, caught up in the past and begging the time to let me stay there.

Alas the days go by, i can't differentiate them anymore but i just know it has been a week or so since i have been staying in my room and lying in my bed all day.

It feels weird being unnecessary.

Like i said the days go by, nothing or no one needs me, i don't need me.

Well... i guess i do look through that lens towards the world.

The worst part is i do know how to fix things but i can't do them.

Or maybe i don't know, maybe i am trying to make myself believe i am still of use to myself.

I guess by the time the sunset is here and all the colours are back, i will still be in my bed.

It makes me stop though, makes me stop and look outside for a moment and feel the day ending.

It's always about the endings with me, huh?

I think i am scared of endings, that's why i try to normalize them in my head so much.

Even beyond that, add some meaning to it so i can think that i still mean something.

Like how when the day ends, the night starts and even in the dark somethings stay alive.

I am afraid, i have always been.

Just hoping and holding onto the precious memory of someone wanting my hand.

I am scared of endings, i am scared of being forgotten and not being needed.

I am scared i will become needy and only seek out people that will help me, hear me out.

I am sorry i am just rambling, i know you have some stuff going on as well.

Tell me about it please, i promise i will try to not think about it for a while.

Would you like some tea?