#A lot of it is that friend because they've had a major impact onme and I could talk about them all day and how much they fucked me up

[goldenchocobo]

THE DECADE

So here’s a Decade review to get all my thoughts and feelings out there. I suppose this is going to be a bit cathartic in a way. I tend to ramble and go off tangents, so I’m going to out things under a read more so I don’t clog up anyone’s dash, and people who aren’t interested in reading won’t have to scroll too much.

In a Tl;dr: This decade’s been rough, and I’ve gone through a lot of changes. My mental health is at an all time low, as well as my physical health. I hope to improve in the coming years.

I started off this decade in a completely different setting. I was in University learning CGArt and Designs + Animation. I found the whole course too difficult, so I needed to drop out before I had a snap. It was mainly because I was an undiagnosed Dyslexic and the course had way more paperwork than I expected, so much so that I was roughly a month behind everyone else and what I did produce was roughly just above passes. The first module we went through I got a distinction, but the three other modules I was a part of I just scraped by. 

This is where the depression starts

All my life from when I was about 12 years old I had been preparing myself for an Artistic career. I chose CGArt/Animation/Concept- not going to lie- because my then uncle brought me a Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith Concept art book and I was so enamoured with it, I was sure that’s what I wanted to do.

So having the rug metaphorically pulled from under me was harsh. I had no idea what to do with my life and no life experience. I couldn’t get a job because my spine was deformed and I couldn’t do labour jobs and I had the beginnings of telephobia- so that ruled out any kind of office job. At the same time my neighbourhood was going down hill, so it was decided that me and mum would move in the near future.

2012- I moved to my current home. Away from any friends or relations. And instantaneously I felt isolated, and still do. My anxiety skyrocketed.

In 2013 I enrolled in another college having the idea of doing ‘something’ with animals since animals is what I loved after doing art. I specifically remember wanting to work in aviaries, rookeries or with birds of prey. The course did not have anything like that apart from one single day where a small amount of students could volunteer to clean out the parakeet and Zebra Finch aviaries. I did so- the tutor taught us how to handle a bird properly and tasked us with cleaning and sprucing up the enrichment. The course lasted 1 year, and I didn’t pursue later courses. I ended up with a Distinction. 

I made some friends while there, but we didn’t keep in contact after college. I sometimes still see one of them at the bus station but we don’t acknowledge one another.

2013- I went to Scotland for the first time, to Edinburgh Zoo. I enjoyed it. But that October I suffered with a at the time an unknown illness that left me bed ridden until December and housebound for an entire year. I think it was possibly bacterial gastroenteritis, as my symptoms match up, but I still don’t know why it affected me for so long. It caused me to have IBS which I still suffer with today and make me more sensitive to foods- I can’t have milk or beans.

This illness rocked me. I became gaunt and actually atrophied one of my legs. I needed Hydrotherapy to get back to my strength.

However, my reluctance to go outside (even now sometimes) has caused me to become overweight, something I’m working on.

2016- was the toughest year of my life. Especially mentally. If 2013 was the year of physical illness, then 2016 was that of mental illness. In 2011 I met a great person. I’m leaving them unnamed, as for how much I scorn them now, sending hate their way would only make me stoop lower than they are. We instantly clicked. Best friends. Separated siblings. We got on like a house on fire and met in real life twice and had fun both times. They were older than me by two years, but acted like they were 13.

I ignored warning signs of manipulation from them. Our first argument was over me calling a Kelpie a ‘Scottish Water Horse’ after watching The Water Horse in which in the extras section there’s a story about a kelpie and the narrator equates the titular water horse to a kelpie.

I cried- not going to lie. I thought I was going to lose them and be on my own again. We reconciled. All was right. Until I decided to try and roleplay horses with real horse body language, and they went off on me because they liked horses more and even they didn’t know a lot about horse body language. This time I didn’t cry, I was just kind of mad. 

Sometime in 2013-2014 I got a text from my then boyfriend admitting he'd cheated on me. Looking back on this now- it was just a miscommunication. I went crying to my friend and they straight up told me to dump him, because he was a piece of shit. So I did. And they told me not to talk to him again, that he was trying to manipulate me. So I blocked him on everything I could.

Now, my only friend circle was that of this friend and their friends. Dangerous.

Things had been building up for a while, looking back. While I was housebound, I’d bombard them with messages. I was lonely and had not spoken to a soul before then. If they’d told me to tone it down, I’d be upset but understanding, but they said nothing to me.

Eventually we drifted.

And it all culminated in 2016, April 28th (unhealthy to remember the date, but…)

I’m not exactly sure what sparked it, but we got into a huge argument. Me, them and one of their friends.

Then they sent me this:

“I think you’re Toxic”.

And that sparked the downward spiral I’m still recovering from.

I responded with “Okay”.

And decided that my window looked like a lovely place to jump out of.

I didn’t. I was caught by my mum, and had a panic attack and mental break all at once. I screamed and shook and foamed, and was put on watch and sent to a therapist.

The first therapist didn’t help much. She told me to ‘get up early’. Which- at the time, and currently- I’m a night owl.

Just after this incident, chickens that I had brought for therapy- to help me get out of the house, died. Both of them. One from an impacted crop and another from a virus.  Which trodd me down more.

My budgie Reno became ill- almost died.

My Aunt was diagnosed with COPD

My dog had her start of downward health

But hey- Pokemon Go came out, so yay… 

2017 was just recovering. I found a therapist that worked and he’s helped me a lot with controlling my thoughts. I found a game called the Isle and friends from that game I’m still talking too.

2018, my dog Luna passed away after several seizures and strokes brought on by medication.

I’m one of these people who have their heartbreak but need to move on as quickly as I can, otherwise I risk wallowing in the muck of depression and ‘what ifs’.

So the same year I brought Loki home, he’s still with us, although a bit overweight.

I reconciliatied with my ex-boyfriend and we both apologised to one another. He’s had it rough too. We still talk to one another and post memes and send each other weird birds.

2019, Year of self-reflection.

I’ve grown so much from my 2016 self. I do want to talk to that friend again… kind of. They’re still in my thoughts daily, and THAT’S not good, but they’ve become so ingrained it’s almost normal. 

Kingdom Hearts 3 came out this year and going back to that series has been a major help to my mental state and how I think. At least I hope I’ve become better at thinking. I’ve had some slip ups with my current friend group- some arguments, but it’s not as bad as with the other friends group- we actually talk about our grievances about one another and they’ve helped curve my bad ways, so I’m a better person. 

Thanks guys

Here’s to the 2020’s, I hope they’re better than the 2010’s