#A Very Rare Insight Into My Real Life On This Hell Site

[thephantomcasebook]

Friendly Advice or Consultation is Welcome/Needed

I find myself preoccupied tonight with a conundrum of conscious that I'm conflicted on.

See, my old man is on the final level of hospice - fading fast - in fact, a few days ago it looked like he wasn't gonna make it ... which, funny enough, was also the same day that a bunch of psychopaths were going at me here, including that creepy weirdo who literally sends me hate in my inbox like once a month cause they claim "You're lying about the lore ... and I hope they expose you!"

God, fuck off loser, don't you have anything better to do today?

Either way, I love going to bed across the house from my dying dad, thinking I'm gonna be without a father for the rest of my life when I wake up, and my phone is blowing up, cause, some Blackcel galaxy brain can't google properly, and is stalking my blog cause I think the Velaryon's are overrated corporate trash.

Which, you know, it's the internet ...

Luckily I kept my old man breathing his final breaths to myself or I'm sure I was gonna get some fucking loser sending me messages about how they hope my old man dies ... Cause, it's the internet, and they think some mediocre, milk-toast, actress with made up pronouns who hates them are more important than common fucking decency.

But whatever ... Like I said, internet.

Anyway.

So for about six months the hospice care that Medicare is paying for - mostly - has assigned volunteers that come over once a week and spend time with the patients. I guess I can see their point, and I'm not against it in principle. However, I'm conflicted about this ... which is why I'm writing this rare personal post.

So the guy that has been coming over for months now is a really - REALLY - weird dude.

Let me preface.

I'm a trained Detective, I broke the curve for deductive reasoning at University aptitude test that had FBI and other Government Agencies trying to recruit me. The Austin Police Department offered to pay my college tuition if I committed to joining their police force after University, including requesting me to join specialized courses at the Central Headquarter downtown.

I've solved two - TWO - century old crimes - one of which was from using water irrigation records from 1898 - 1908 to exonerate an innocent man and his reputation nearly a century after he died a broken shell who everyone thought was crazy.

I'm not bragging, I'm prefacing this by saying that I'm a very good judge of people and situations.

And there was something incredibly wrong with the man that the Hospice care people sent over. When you meet him, when you talked to him, there is nothing - NOTHING - behind his eyes. He is nice, he is amiable, maybe a bit awkward, but he seemed an empty. And both my mom and I did not like him. I found him incredibly off putting and my mom found him so creepy that she didn't want him anywhere near her.

But it was part of the Hospice program, so we couldn't really say no.

Anyway, so this guy, he strikes up a friendship with my dad - who can barely see and needs a walker to get around. After only a few weeks, he starts staying way past the time allotted. The volunteers are only supposed to stay for two hours - at maximum. This guy started staying for five, six, and even seven hours once.

Now, I work at night straight through the morning ... it's what I've done for nearly a decade. So most of this stuff happens in the late-morning to mid-afternoon, while I'm asleep. So I can't police it all that much. Plus, I just don't like talking to that guy. But I've complained to my mom about it, cause, I don't like the idea of being asleep with that guy in my house alone with my crippled old man.

So, my mother has complained for months to the Hospice Care People about this guy overstaying his welcome. Even my dad was getting annoyed about his long overstaying. But nothing was ever done.

Well, it turns out that the reason that nothing was ever done was, because, his girlfriend is in charge of the volunteers. And, not only that, but he's not actually a part of the system. He's a 'off the books' volunteer that the Hospice Care approves of because his girlfriend is in charge.

So, I went to my mother and I put my foot down, saying "absolutely not" and that the guy has got to go. My mother agreed strongly and she tried to get him taken off my dad's schedule. Then, we've come to find out that he's not even really a volunteer. That he's a retired Postman that his tired girlfriend is basically pawning off on my dad (and me) to give him something to do. And last week, when he was here, we found out that he is moving out of girlfriend's house and that they're having relationship issues and he is in a bad place mentally and emotionally.

My mom, finally put her foot down and said no to the hospice care people. Under no circumstances is he allowed back in the house. Then, today, the guy called my dad, crying and upset, after being told that he wasn't allowed to come back. Apparently, his time with my old man is the only thing he's looking forward too anymore. And my dad reneged on my mom's orders to Hospice as long as he adhere's to the rules (my rules) about no more than two hour and not after 6 PM.

When my mom found out, she completely lost her shit - like full four-alarm freak out.

Now my old man is crying, cause he wants attention, cause, he feels he can't talk to anyone - which is his own fault for fucking up his relationship with me - and I got a potential nutjob that sets off so many red flags calling my dad crying cause his life is over. And my dad is blaming me, cause he says that I won't allow him to have friends, because, I'm strict about people visiting - that aren't family - getting two hours and then fucking off.

So, I don't know.

On one hand, I feel bad, cause the dude, despite looking and feeling very unhinged, has never done anything to warrant banning - other than staying way past the time that it is socially or personally acceptable. He's having a bad go of it in life right now, and he wants somewhere to go once a week. But I feel that it's not the place or position that a dying man with only months left should be put in. Also, I got a really, really, bad vibe from the guy the last time he was here.

I don't want to judge him, cause, I often deal with and judge people the way I would want to be judged, especially nerdy guys ... cause I'm a nerd myself - despite playing American Football for years - and I know what its like to be socially awkward and anxious.

But there is just something off about this guy ... and with his girlfriend trying to get rid of him so hard, and him being visibly disturbed, I just don't want him in my house anymore.

If you've made it this far down the post, I thank you for reading and would love any feedback or advice.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with MaybeAmanda

MaybeAmanda has been a longtime participant in X-files fandom. She has 29 stories at Gossamer, the earliest being archived there in 1998 and the latest in 2012. I've recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including "Malus Genus" and "Snow in Alabama." Big thanks to MaybeAmanda for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It does, in a way.  The feedback I get nowadays is either of the "I read this like 20 years ago and I just read it again" variety or the "I was too young back in the day but I have been watching the show in reruns/on XYZ streaming service/on the full-series of DVDs I got for $3 from the thrift store and I was THRILLED to discover fanfiction was being written even in the Dark Ages!" So it's a bit of a surprise, but it's a pleasant one. I answer every mail/comment because my mama raised me right!

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

It was great. It was fun. It was educational. It was a godsend. Even with the occasional bouts of back-stabbing and flame-throwing, it was mainly a welcoming, inclusive place to be. I made so many online friends who have turned into meat-friends (do they still call them that? Probably not).  During the first run of the show I had small children and we had relocated for my husband's job.  I had very little social life, but the fandom gave me a chance to meet and connect with people who liked what I liked. Then I discovered online fanfic, and it was even better!

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

ATXC I think.  A lot of email lists - 5 or 6 or 7 or so over the years. Gossamer, of course, Ephemeral when that came into being.  Haven discussion boards. My own websites.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

More than anything?  I am a fangirl.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I have always been partial to sci-fi and speculative fiction, but it rarely makes it to the screen - large or small - without being trite, clichéd, or just plain bad. It's easy to forget that The X-Files was groundbreaking - smart, scary, funny, insightful, intriguing, complex plots, on-going mythology. It looked great. It sounded great. David Duchovny was pleasant to look at, too, and damn! Gillian Anderson is/was one hell of an actress.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I found XF fanfic - somehow - probably by accident, or by way of a recommendation - and it blew my mind.  I had written fanfic (of a sort) with my friends in highschool, so I was familiar with the beast, but to find what amounted to excellent story after excellent story for free within (relatively) easy reach (because dial-up, right?) written by people who, for the most part, were thrilled you read their story and were happy to talk to you about it, about writing in general, about your shared obsession - that was amazing. As I am sitting here typing this I am feeling that thrill again - discovering Karen Rasch, Madeliene Partous, Paula Graves [Lilydale note: AKA Anne Haynes], Sheryl Martin and all the other early BNFs was, well, the only word is exciting. I felt like I was a member of a secret society and that I was sitting at the popular kids lunch table, all at once. (Don't forget, in the early days, shippers were considered delusional outliers - seriously!)

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Good?   It's not as lively a place as it once was, but I haven't renounced my citizenship or anything. If I get a rec, I check it out. I know there are those who like to pretend they never had anything to do with the fandom, but why? I am still a proud XPhile.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Angel (a teeny tiny bit) while XF was still running, but those fans were - I don't know the word.  Hardcore does not begin to do it justice. I wrote two short pieces at a friend's request then backed away slowly. Sherlock (a bit) - it is/was very LJ centred and that made it hard to find things. A lot of it moved to tumblr which made it harder, then to twitter, which - no.  I was involved in one of the less fashionable facets of the Sherlock fandom, so I was really a fringe-dweller there, too. It seemed clique-ier than XF, and they all seemed so young, and they all knew EVERYTHING about everything, and every damned thing was political, and, and, and... GET OFF MY LAWN!

But maybe I am remembering the XF fandom wrong. ;)

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Like, all fiction? Mulder and Scully for sure. Arthur Dent. Sherlock Holmes in most of his incarnations. Spock. Winnie the Pooh. Why do I like them?  They speak to me, I guess.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I haven't watched an episode in probably two years (back when it was on regular tv).  Yeah, I think about them surprisingly often.  Story ideas, weirdly.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic?

I finished re-reading The Iolokus Series a couple of weeks back, so yes.  It's excellent comfort reading.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Lots! But as far as authors go, I hate playing favourites. I will miss someone I shouldn't and feel like crap.  The Iolokus Series by MustangSally and Rivka T. is probably my all-time favourite fic because it's so very well-written, and so very fucked-up. Kipler's Strangers and the Strange Dead is also terrifically well-written and clever. For complex, interesting case files, you can’t beat syntax6 - pick any of them.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Oh geez. Seriously? I wrote a lot of collaborations and I love them - and my co-authors - all!  Stuff I wrote on my own: Anniversary Waltz (first XF fic I wrote so it's sentimental.) Or Blue Patches. Or Epiphany. Or The Gifts of the Magi (On a Kaiser Roll). Or 221XF.  Gonna stop now.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story?

Every time I thought I wouldn't, I did. I would never say never.

Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

Nothing finished ever went un-posted. All the unfinished stuff remains unfinished.

Do you still write fic now?

Haven't for a while, but it's not as if I have said "I SHALL NEVER WRITE FANFIC AGAIN!" I just have nothing in the works at this moment.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

With fic, it's usually from canon - some question unanswered, some road unexplored, some "what if?" that needs iffing.  With "original" fiction, damned if I know.  A snippet of overheard conversation, an interesting photo, something a random story generator spit out at me.  Sometimes things just click.

What's the story behind your pen name?

Okay so...many years ago I was on a (smallish) fic list with a friend.  There was a challenge posted - a bad fic challenge. We knew we could write some truly bad fic if we really tried.  One of the rules of the challenge was to post under an assumed name so no one would know who they were voting for. Well, my friend and I wrote something truly, painfully horrid and we were very proud of its ghastliness, so were brainstorming possible pseudonyms. She hated everything but had no real suggestions of her own.  I knew that she was a bit of a Trekkie (like me) and I said - What about Amanda Greyson and Joanna McCoy?  And she said  - What?? Huh?? Why?? And I said - Spock's mother and McCoy's daughter and she replied, "Maybe Amanda is Spock's mother but on Star Trek there is not a Joanna." By this point, I was SO DONE, and I became MaybeAmanda and she became NotJoanna. Really.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

It took years for me to admit it, but yeah, they know.  They didn't entirely get it.  The reactions I most often got were:

"Ew! You write stuff without being forced?? Ew!!"

or:

"Is it smut? I bet it's just smut. You write smut, don't you? Pure filth, right? I can't believe you are wasting your time writing pornography! That's disgusting! You sicken me! Um, can I read some of it?"

And of course:

"If you are going to write anyway, why don't you get published and become fabulously wealthy?"

which is really two questions, neither of which is easily answerable.

Anyone who tracked my work down (because I told them I wrote, but not my pseudonym) usually said something like, "Hey! You're an okay/passable/decent writer! Why don't you get published and become fabulously wealthy?"

Yeah.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Same old email (maybe_a@rocketmail_dot_com). Gossamer, my site, my LJ and probably some other places.  I can't lie - it's a bit scattered.

(Posted by Lilydale on August 4, 2020)

[sigritandtheelves]

Hi!! I’m the anon that has bothered you about Simple before. I definitely have not forgotten about, but no pressure! Whenever you choose to gift us with the next chapter is great!!!

I’ve had this message for so long… thank you anon, and I’m sorry this took so long, but here you go. 💛

Simple

Chapter 5

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

PG-13 | 2k wds | pre-XF AU | MSR, Melissa/Samantha

A/N: I’m not sure if taking a break helped my writing at all—it still felt like pulling teeth to get any words on the page, but I did put them there, so… here? Sorry.

—

January, 1990 - Stanford

She was down to the wire now, and the pressure was on. Surrounded by books, diagrams, and piles of notes in a cocoon of preparation for her second licensing exam, Dana had barely made time to eat for weeks. Studying was both necessary and the only thing keeping her mind off of the deep, lonely ache inside her. In bed at night, she oscillated between feeling crushed by the weight of the uncertain future, which seemed to press her down into the mattress… and the light fluttering of hope, the pulse of joy and desire when she thought of Fox Mulder. She imagined him as he’d been on that last morning, touching her face, his eyes searching hers, the solid feel of his hips between her knees. Her mind was a storm of medical facts and the interrupting image of his face in her memory, lowering to touch his lips to hers as he made love to her on her sister’s guest bed.

Then, inevitably, she would think of the residencies she might be offered in St. Louis or Albany. She thought of the fact that long-distance relationships rarely worked out, in the end. She thought of Fox getting tired of late-night phone calls, and of all the other women who were right there in D.C. already. She thought of Daniel, who had found her twice now at the hospital, pulled her into an alcove, and dropped less than subtle hints that he thought she should stay with him.

(“You’re a brilliant doctor, Dana. Just imagine what it could be like, the two of us.”)

She’d been firm, but he’d dogged her about why, and she couldn’t answer. She thought of his teenage daughter, of his wife who’d done nothing to deserve this, of the sharp jealousy she’d heard in his voice the day she’d broken things off. (“Is there someone else?”)

“Damnit,” Dana mumbled when she caught a mistake in her work. She erased, blew away the pink-gray shavings, scribbled another string of names and symbols. She appreciated the clarity of the answers on these tests: there was right and wrong, true and false. Nothing like the foggy, dark path toward her future, which she could not see.

It was past four in the afternoon when the phone rang—she’d been hovering over her coffee table working on her notes the whole day, and the low-hanging sun through the kitchen window surprised her with the hour.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Ah, there you are.” Fox’s voice, like a cool breeze cutting through humid air, made her smile. “I thought maybe I’d imagined you.”

“I’m here,” she said, nearly breathless with the pulses of joy the sound of him brought her. “And you? Are you real?”

“I’m real. Lonely, but real. You okay?”

She hesitated a moment. “Yes. Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Hmm.”

“What about you? How’s that strange case you’re working on?”

“It’s fascinating. I wish I could get your opinion on some of these medical files, but I’m not sure how this other agent would feel about outside opinions. She’s kind of territorial about her work.”

“Oh.” Dana turned that sentence around in her mind several times. Territorial. She. “But it’s, um, it’s going well? Your new, ah… arrangement?”

“Yeah. It’s good. I can’t wait until I can tell you more about it. Speaking of which, I may not be able to call for a few days. We’ll be out in the field. Out of town, I mean, for the case.”

Dana swallowed and sat down on her kitchen chair. “Oh,” she said again. “Where will you be?”

“Ohio. Near Columbus.” There was another pause where she could hear him thinking, even as the image of him on the road with this other woman elbowed its way into her mind: on a plane, in a rental car, face to face over a table at some diner in some small town, in a motel room… “Dana,” his voice was a gentle interruption. “Are you really okay?”

She wanted to tell him that she was fine. It was silly, she thought: there was nothing to be done right now, and worrying could only make things worse. But the soft tug of his voice, the concern at its edges, made her want to confess. “I’m so scared,” she whispered.

He was quiet a moment. His voice, when it came across the line, was so soft she barely heard it. “Scared about what, Dana? About us?”

She squeezed the phone cord, wrapped its loops so tight around her index finger that her skin turned red. “About the future,” she said. “And yes. About us. I mean, is there an us? What will happen if I get placed in Reno or Boston? Won’t you get tired of this?”

She heard his deep breath over the line, heard the rustle of him changing positions. “Are you tired of it?”

“No!” She said, perhaps too quickly. “No. But you have another kind of life. You must want something more than whatever this is.”

“Dana, what I do… It takes a lot out of me. You haven’t seen that part of it yet, but it’s hard. I’m a mess most of the time. And Sam, she’s pretty good at pulling me out of it, but the thing is…“ he took another deep breath. “Since I met you, you’re the only thing that makes it better. Remembering you. Thinking of you. So no. I’m not going to get tired of it. Even if I only see you twice a year, I’m not going to get tired of it.”

Dana’s face was hot—she could feel its flush. Her heart hurt. “Really?”

“Yeah, really,” he said. “So if you want there to be an us, there’s an us. At least until you get tired of me.”

She imagined him broken after a case, unshaven and rumpled with those sad eyes looking at her. She imagined how she would hold him, kiss his eyelids, let him cry if he needed to. She imagined a lab where she might work, where he’d call her in the middle of the day, excited to tell her some impossible thing. She imagined a world where they fit together like this—complimentary. Interlocking. Seamless.

“I do,” she said. “Want it, I mean. I think—yes. I want it very much.” Her flush of affection was so surprising and strong, she’d almost said she thought she loved him. Too soon, she thought. I can’t possibly. But somewhere inside her, she knew that she did.

“That’s good. Then we’re an us. And the next time I see you, I’m going to show you what a good us we are. With wine and maybe some dancing and a kiss so long and slow you’ll forget your own name.”

“Oh god,” she said, glad she was sitting down.

“Yeah,” he said. “With some of that too.”

Then she was laughing and missing him so hard she felt it in her bones.

—

January, 1990 - Ohio

“Agent Mulder, tell me more about yourself. Why did you join the FBI?”

Agent Fowley drove the rental across a flat suburbia. They were outside of Columbus, now, heading to the site of three unexplained deaths. Fox fidgeted with the map in the passenger seat, aware of his new partner’s curious energy.

“I was recruited out of my PhD program,” he said. “I showed an aptitude for behavioral science, and I enjoy the work. Profiling, I mean. It’s like puzzles, only when you get it right, you save people’s lives.”

She nodded, with a half-smile that said she understood. “No power fantasies, then? No grand heroic ambitions?”

He smirked. “No.”

“That’s good,” she said. “I’ve known enough men in the Bureau like that. Not married?”

He cleared his throat. “Ah, no. Not married.”

“Hmm. Me neither.”

He watched her drive, svelte in her black suit and carefully adorned with understated but expensive jewelry. She carried herself well, shot daggers with her looks when she felt disrespected (a fact he’d learned while visiting the Arlington PD with her last week), and she missed nothing in the case reports. She was intimidating as hell, but she seemed kind at the same time. Kind in the eyes, and in the way she angled herself to listen.

Unless that was flirting. God, he was bad at this. As clever as he was at profiling, Fox had always had a terrible time discerning for sure if a woman was flirting with him or just being nice. With Dana it had been different, a kind of immediate magnetism that made every glance and word and gesture feel charged. It hadn’t been deliberate or game-like at all. He thought of Dana’s frank curiosity, her sharp confidence in her work that softened into subtle apprehension about him—about them. Because they were a them now. She was maybe even sort of his, and this realization warmed a place low in his abdomen. He could flirt freely with Dana just by being himself. But he would need to be careful around this other woman.

Hard-frozen and empty soybean fields appeared around them, gray and frostbitten, as they passed beyond suburbia. The fields then gave way to strip malls that dotted the lazy, rolling hills outside their small-town destination. He and Agent Fowley dropped their things in two adjoining motel rooms, then met at the diner across the street to go over their case notes. She was all business, strategizing the order of their interviews and examinations—except when she ordered a slice of pie with a guilty smile. “Just this once,” she said, offering, for the first time, a hesitant vulnerability. She offered some of the pie as well, but he declined.

Later, in a farmer’s small kitchen, she wielded questions like knives. while he collected careful observations. They worked well together, a harmony between studious and persistent. By ten, they were back at the motel with more interviews planned for tomorrow. “You were good out there today,” she told him. “Insightful. I wouldn’t have picked up on that thing with the pen.”

He shrugged. “I’m sure you’d have figured it out.”

Her eyes lingered, perhaps just a little too long as she fiddled with the key to her room. “Well,” she said, and now her voice was husky, just a tad playful. “Good night.”

He swallowed hard and wasted no time with his own key. “G’night,” he said.

In his room, he double checked that the adjoining door was locked and dropped onto his bed, face first into his pillow. It was definitely flirting, and that was bad. Bad news bears. The Danger Zone. He was terrible at rejection, miserable at letting women down easy, probably because he’d so seldom had to do it. He was usually the one undergoing the rejection. In some other time, some other version of the world, he knew this would play out differently. A weaker version of himself would give in, would fall toward her like a desperate lost animal until she grew tired of him and left.

But he had Dana now, and just the thought of her made him feel strong. He remembered the feel of her pajamas under his hands while they slept on the couch, how she’d come down the stairs in soft flannel, nervous at first, like he might change his mind when he saw her. But when they looked at each other across the living room, her socked feet quiet on the carpet, it was as if the tumblers of a great lock clicked into place and they were just them again. They watched A Christmas Carol on TV with her head on his chest, like they’d known each other a thousand years. He needed her now (needed her always), so he drew on the strength he’d found with her that night.

In the morning, Fowley drove again. “Is it a left up here?”

He checked the map. “The second one.”

“Agent Mulder,” she said. “Can I call you Fox?”

“Um.” He cleared his throat. “I, ah… I’d like to keep this professional. If that’s alright with you.”

“Of course,” she said, stiffer now, sitting upright in the driver’s seat. “I just wanted to say thank you. For taking time out of your work in BSU to do this, I mean.” She put on her blinker and made the turn. “Agent Mulder.”

He nodded, and they were silent for the rest of the drive.

Three days later they were on their way back to D.C. When Fox got home, he put in a request for two days off (a long weekend) and booked a Thursday morning flight to California.

—end chapter five—

go to chapter six

[thinkingaboutsanfrancisco]

Well shit...I’m glad to know we’re on the same page.

Truly. If I weren’t restrained by this seatbelt I’d honor him with my standing ovation, but since I am I settle for a continuous ardent nod. I’m not surprised that he agrees with me, but fuck does it feel nice to hear a conviction I’ve held for a long time verbally justified by someone outside of the gates of my own tumultuous conscious without their own regret dampening it. All of the details I always ruminate over, S delves into and elaborates on them with such precision, casting upon them the rare tone of honesty and understanding we both know a majority of society continuously refuses to afford us degenerates since, like he said, they’re far too caught up in their broken ideals to dare spare us the empathy despite that, despite our different methods, we all aspire to the same fucking dream. I don’t even know why they deem it necessary to enter the conversation if they’re only going to pollute it with righteous ignorance, but if I entertain the analysis further, it’ll piss me off and...I’d rather not knock the smile off my face. 

It’s great to be heard.

It’s so relieving that this Parliament drag is celebratory...until he changes the fucking subject. 

“Wait, yo, you use Reddit?! Gimme your username. I’m gonna add you.”

What? No you aren’t---who said I even have one?!

I mean---I do and I have since July of 2012, but that doesn’t garner it up for grabs. His brazenness of the unspoken etiquette is second to the fact that stalking the site doesn’t necessitate an account. That’s one of the beauties of it, honestly, to search and find a thread that answers a very specific and niche question and enjoy the luxury of reading all of the other perspectives and experiences. Sometimes I want to remember that question but sometimes it’s so stupid and minor that the answer’s enough to satisfy me, so I don’t bother logging in or using my regular browser to remember it when I’m searching for something else.  Who is he to say that stalking is not all I do? 

 “I…don’t have an account. I just observe the site, y’know.”

And I hoped that would be enough for him to take the hint and not press on it, but he doesn’t. Instead, he rhetorically asks why I don’t have one before practically demanding that I make one right fucking now and, for so many reasons, fuck no. The real life anonymity of it is what drew me to it in the first place. I love being able to talk without worrying about dragging the weight of my real name or image or anything else around like you have to do on every other flashy social media site nowadays. For once, I’m not Jason Dale Kelley: Lance and Deirdre’s exhausted, depressed, rotting social pariah of a son who you should avoid with a ten foot pole. No, I’m just a couple of letters and numbers and, if you get onto my profile, I’m just another guy named Jason somewhere in the world with stories, opinions, and thoughts...history that I don’t want to give up as J. Not like there’s anything too incriminatory, but who the hell knows what he could conjure about me from the scattered fragments I’ve dropped about my personal life. He presents it so innocently too: so we can trade conspiracy theories...as if I’ve ever had one to trade to begin with. Clearly, I’ve gotten used to them in the middle of a deal, but I’d rather not worry about logging in and finding him linking me to a theory to debate when I’m trying to forget about my existential dread and worrying if that’ll set him off. He doesn’t even know my real first name and now he wants access to almost three fucking years of my life? I've broken my boundaries enough already as it is, but this is where I’m drawing the line.  

“Tempting, but…I think I’ll have to pass since…I don’t know how. Not exactly on there too often, so uh…I believe it’d be a waste to make one.”

Not my best lie, but I’m not exactly sure how else I can tell him I don’t want to without risking offending him too much. Skirting around it in itself is already bad enough because, with the way he laughs and shakes his head, he damn well knows that I can make an account in my fucking sleep, but at least he takes the hint and throws his handle out there for whenever I decide to crack the unfathomable mystery. 

Conspiracyking with a k, for alliteration purposes. 

I wish I could pull out my phone and look it up to find out if it’s a legitimate account or if I narrowly avoided giving myself up for nothing, but...the car’s jerked quicker than how he jerked the most insightful conversation I’ve ever had with him and made it about fucking Reddit; a careless dive right into one of the most crowded parking lots I’ve ever seen. Eventually, he finds a spot, the locks pop, I stuff an eight ball in my jean pocket and we’re about get out...when it suddenly dawns on him that I might have a fucking issue getting in. 

Should’ve thought about that before you brought me here. 

“Don’t worry, I got it covered.” 

Luckily for him, I ‘renewed’ my fake near the end of last year because I got tired of staring into my hollow, broken, fifteen year old sneer and worrying if it’d pass. While I never got caught, I used to get a lot of scrutinizing stares and snarky uncertain comments that instill the fear in me that I didn’t look eighteen, much less nineteen like I’d initially made myself. My dark circles and puffy eye bags were probably the only thing that got me by until I hit a growth spurt last summer that made me look less gawky and frail overall, so I used some of the cash I’d saved up to capitalize and it paid off. I’m rarely double checked for cigarettes now, so I pass for eighteen, but I’ve never tried 21...

S cackles, asking me how much fakes go for nowadays instead of taking the hint again, and...fuck it. This shit’s going both ways now. 

“You’d have to tell me that ancient figure for me to give you a proper comparison,” I retort as we shut the doors and start our walk towards the building, when I realize that I’m going to have to drop the sarcasm because he does need to know that there is the annoying possibility that I might not get let in, “But probably. Got it done online and paid around 300 bucks for it. My nicotine habit wouldn’t let me get away with anything less, but it was well worth it since it’s got all of the proper holograms and scans. It hasn’t given me any problems before so I honestly forget about it, but you might wanna chill out with the J name ‘til I get in. Don’t think that letter appears anywhere on it.”

[valenshawke]

If you’re reading this, this is part of my new strategy. I use my blog to vent. A lot of these are me dealing with emotions, feelings, or my mental health. The 3:30 AM post (if there is one) is just a dump of everything I would have been posting in real-time. The 4:00 AM post, this post, is me just rambling about issues that bother me. I post these because I just want to shout into the void. Sometimes that’s all I need. Other times, I need a therapist. I am not at that point. In short, I’m not looking to discuss this with anyone. I just want to yell into the void… and maybe sharing this will help someone else.

I said something to someone last night: We only see about 10% of someone else’s life on Tumblr. I think this percentage varies by people, situation, and method of communication. But you never see anyone 100%. For as much as I argue with people about online vs. in-person communication, this is where I feel more comfortably arguing you simply can’t know everything about everyone. Even if you live with them. And there’s nothing wrong with that. We might not be complex, but no one can fully know what is inside another’s mind. I think social media increases how much you know about someone else’s life… but when we’re talking 5% to 10%... yeah it’s significant. But not a full picture.

Which brings me to the last year… and me. Egotistical to talk about myself, but it’s my blog. It’s been a stressful year this year. For different reasons than 2015. In both cases, I talked to a very select few people about it. This year, it’s been tough financially and I wasn’t able to help some people out like I wanted to… But I did my damndest not to let anyone know. I wasn’t running the risk of bankruptcy or being unable to pay bills. But credit card debt always stresses me out because I try not to carry any. Stupid, no doubt, but it’s the discipline my mom and dad instilled in me (more like Dad to Mom, Mom to Me, since Dad died when I was 9).

But when we’re talking about 10 grand… it means 4-5 months of “austerity.” And stress. And worrying about every goddamn penny. And you know what? I know I didn’t tell anyone until I let it slip last night. In the end, this isn’t a huge deal. When coupled with work, etc… it adds up. And it affects my behavior. And I have been called out on it.

This is not an excuse for my behavior. This is not to say I should be called out on it. While this is an explanation, that’s all it is. I am an asshole and I need to be called out on it. And I guess these last 4 weeks of madness sure made me think...

“Why don’t you talk about it?”

Which really means, “Why don’t you talk to me about it?”

Then I think of the title of a Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood episode, “The Adults’ Way of Life.” And if you’re offended by this, I’m not implying you’re not an adult. Most everyone I talk to is an adult. And we all have varying life experiences.

But it comes down what and to whom I am willing to burden with someone of my problems. And this is where time and experience matter. And me being the old man among the groups, server, and this hell site gives me a different insight than many of you.

Why?

Because I remember what you are going through. As you leave your late teens and enter your 20s or go through your early 20s. You have a lot of problems immediate to that time and place of your life. And you need to deal with them. Christ, I barely dealt with mine. But my ex pretty much turned into her life’s mission to see that I did survive, because that’s all a lot of life is through your late teens to your mid-to-late 20s.

Some people catch a break to go along with their talent. Some don’t.

But the thing between us was… she very rarely ever dumped on me emotionally or talked about the problems she dealt with day-to-day. I was privy to some, but not all. As I’ve gotten older, things stabilized, I have a good-paying job, a roof over my head, etc… she’s told me some problems that she would have never told me 15 years ago or been incredibly vague about as to not worry me.

To say she was, at times, equal parts girlfriend and parent is accurate. But she significantly older than me, so it’s not too surprising.

But 15 years ago, she was just trying to get me to 21. That was the big goal in her mind. First it was get me through high school, then 21, then college, then grad school. Towards the end of the grad school (and several years after our romantic relationship ended), she trusted me enough that I could handle things that she opened up.

The first time I had heard the honest to God fear in her voice about something came after I was 30.

At the end of 2010, life changed irrevocably yet again. Funny how family situations go to hell around the holidays. Both mom and dad end up in the hospital in December, 20 years apart. I don’t talk about it much, nor will I here. But it was enough to send me to therapist, try medication, and “organize some changes in my life.” But it comes up, periodically, and I have to deal. I do talk to 2 people about it though, one because of shared similar experience… the other… well he’s been my best friend for almost 30 years. He is my brother and I am his (and like siblings, since he actually as one, we sometimes hate each other).

I don’t struggle not to talk to people about certain things anymore. It’s easy as long because I trained myself. And it’s not because I don’t trust you. And while it’s cliched to say I don’t want to burden some people: It’s true. Because I am aware of my age and just how much older I am in comparison to the median fandom ages. So I close off some things because there are some things or issues you should not be burdened with at the same time you’re dealing with life during the disaster that is 18-25.

But I do complain about somethings: Friendships, fandoms, etc. Even politics.

Things I don’t? Because I made the decisions that it’s too much for some people to even think about.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stress me out to the point I am a terrible person (at times). I think the last four weeks pretty much demonstrated that. But I’m not always an awful person. And this isn’t an excuse, nor an apology.

Maybe I will start saying I am stressed out but don’t want to talk about it more often. And maybe that should have been the strategy for awhile.

But what I share on Tumblr, or Discord?

10%

[and-then-theres-that]

Apparently I was unblocked to be blocked again...anyhow. The Psychology of the Youth of the Nation

The more time I spend on tumblr, the more I feel like these are the generation of kids I will be dealing with as I head into my chosen career path. And it’s taking so much of my sanity, what’s left of it, to not tell them the same thing I’m about to tell the rest of you...You’re not special.

(Sorry you have to read this, read more doesn’t work)

More often than not on this site, and others in the same caliber of it, I see more and more special snowflakes coming forward to complain about one thing or another that bothers them. This is, inherently, the use of a blog with a journaling aspect added to it and while all the power goes to you who need to vent about the situation at home or at work and you would rather not let the familial side of Facebook know your inner most workings and thoughts, some of these people need to be stopped. Far too often people with “disabilities” are making themselves into martyrs and by doing this they are only serving to invalidate the people with actual problems. {Disabilities is in quotes for a reason, bear with me}

Most of the problems all boil down to a believability problem, are we, the readers of these blogs, actually supposed to believe and accept as reality all of the problems of the people behind the zeroes and ones of  the internet, or is it an anonymity situation where the individual on the other side feels they can say whatever they want with little to no consequences on them? I haven’t the foggiest notion which it is, all I know is as a psychological semi-professional heading into this career, you have all got to realize a few things. Those “disabled” individuals are not the only problem, of course, there’s also a large section of the LGBTQA community at large who believe that the world somehow owes them something because they are/identify/present themselves as something different than the rest of the world is prepared to deal with. I’ll get to them in a moment, let’s start with the Disabilities, since I’m liable to anger a good portion of people with it.

[Just a point of reference, if you want to tell me off, Anon is turned off, so you’ll have to actually be an adult and come out and say these things. I don’t believe in anonymity when you’re trying to be an asshole. Say it to my face or don’t say it at all.]

Disabilities

I truly feel I shouldn’t have to say this at all, but there seems to be a large number of individuals out there who don’t realize the harm they are doing by acting the way that they are. So here goes:

HAVING A DISABILITY IS NOT CUTE HAVING A DISABILITY IS NOT EDGY HAVING A DISABILITY DOES NOT EXCUSE YOU FROM BEING A SHITTY PERSON HAVING A DISABILITY IS NOT COOL HAVING A DISABILITY DOES NOT MAKE YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE HAVING A DISABILITY SHOULD NEVER BE USED TO GET ATTENTION

!!!!!!!!

Like I said, I feel I shouldn’t have said this. But over the recent days I have encountered or heard of several people out there who seem to be milking mental disorders or even physical ones for all they can for the attention it gives them. Let me provide you with some insight here:

My wife has severe, occasionally crippling depression and anxiety that has, on rare occasions stopped her from doing things she’s either really wanted to do or has really needed to do. Not permanently, mind you, but the disorders have postponed the necessary thing either hours or even days from when they need to be done. But this rarely happens, and when it does she apologizes for the situation at hand and we rearrange and try again another day. Most of the time, however, she acts like an adult, bottles up those things that are bothering her and goes on with her life because the world does not stop, and neither can she. She does what she needs to do. She does not get onto social media, make some vague-post about how miserable her life is and how she wishes she would just die and whine about her current situation. She is not an attention seeker and she doesn’t use her disorder as an excuse for acting like a shitty person.

I have multitudes of disorders of my own, handicapped and scarred, I have to make the world work for me because the majority of the time the way something is supposed to go isn’t going to be the way that I can do it. I’m also autistic, and some times I revert to a childlike state where nothing is going my way and I feel like all I want to do is throw myself on the ground and scream and cry and kick my feet because I can’t possibly function at the high caliber I’m supposed to. I get on kicks which can sometimes pose threats to my being a capable, well adjusted person. Some days I can’t, some days I shut down and want to do nothing else but color and watch Disney movies or Pokemon and if it’s possible, my wife lets me do just that. But because I’m not a 12 year old, I have to suck up what’s wrong with me and actually carry on through my day. I find my safety net (which is, more often than not, one of my totoros), I put on my big boy pants and I move on. Because I’m an adult. I don’t get onto social media, make some vague-post about how miserable my life is and how I wish the world would just go away and whine about my current situation. I am not an attention seeker and I am not using my disorder as an excuse for acting like a shitty person.

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

Being autistic, or having PTSD, anxiety, depression, dissociative disorder, or what have you is not an excuse to be a genuine prick. These disorders don’t give you the right to look down on anyone or to lash out and then try to brush over it by saying you were having an episode or a bad day. Bad days happen, hell, bad weeks can happen but you are the one who makes the decision to let yourself act like an infant in public. Lying in your bed on Snapchat and whining to anyone who will listen about your issues isn’t typically seen of the people who truly have these ordeals to go through because we aren’t trying to seek attention but are rather trying to just get through our day with as few incidents as possible.

Advertising that you had a fit and then took a pill and you’re “all better now” is not how it works. I’ve watched my wife struggle with the notion of whether she should take a pill and be in a haze the rest of the night, if taking that little white pill and calming herself down is really worth all the sugar she’s going to have to ingest just to feel somewhat normal the following day. Those pills aren’t magic, where suddenly you take them and you’re all better like you never had depression or anxiety or whatever. My wife is on excellent medication that does really help her but it doesn’t solve the main problem. She still has what she calls “poorly written episodes” Medication is a long-term solution, it’s not a cure-all.

I take pain medication for when the chronic pain just becomes too much to bear, but even then, when I take it (and I try very hard not to take anything due to problems in my family involving drug abuse) it doesn’t sweep through my body like a happy pill and make me feel like I can do jumping jacks and run a marathon. All it does is make me feel like I can carry on with whatever project I’m trying to do that day with some degree of control so I’m not wincing and twitching every 5 seconds. Some people have it worse than I do and I feel nothing but the greatest sympathy for them, so long as they don’t languish around in self-pity about how their life is the worst thing that has ever happened to them and they just can’t handle it.

I can generally say that if you are trying to convince people that you have anxiety, depression, etc to the extent that you need medication but are not willing to go to a doctor and get help, in all likelihood you do NOT have a disorder at all and are only attempting to pull sympathy and attention away from those people who actually may need it but are too busy trying to get through their daily routines to sit around and beg for it. You are the boy who cried wolf, whining and making yourself into a martyr only so you can bring the focus onto yourself to satisfy some infantile need to be coddled and treated with kid gloves. When something truly happens to you that you suffer some kind of misfortune, no one will believe you because all you’ve done is whine about unimportant, menial events within your life and now no one cares what you’re doing now, they will roll their eyes and look the other way because you are just a drama seeker.

People who have mental problems, should definitely seek out professional help. Social media will not help you, in some cases Facebook, Snapchat, even Instagram and ESPECIALLY tumblr can make it worse. Reaching out for help on social media sites doesn’t make you any more likely to get it than walking outside your door and screaming will call a police officer to your side. You have to be willing to get help for your own problems, and if you’re not willing to do this because you say you can’t find resources or no one will listen to you, I would take a high priced bet there’s no real issue with you at all. Google any disorder and help comes up within the first few links. It’s not hard for someone who genuinely needs help to find it. For the people whining and bitching about their day to day life being horrible and so much so that going outside their door will cause them a panic attack, you should not be sitting on the computer looking for help from the millions of pixels on a screen as you type out how pathetic you feel.

This goes for the people who take photos of their cutting and self harm as well. Self harming is not something to be broadcast to the four winds, it needs to be treated but the majority of the people who do these things to themselves only admit that they have done it after their scars have healed and they’ve gotten help. They do not record themselves self-harming for the notes. Don’t do that shit for the vine, the gram or the chat, it’s not healthy, it’s only making you less believable and anyone else who has something leading them to hurt themselves less likely to get any assistance. You are hurting yourself and others by martyring yourself.

LGBTQA....I feel like I’m missing some letters, this alphabet soup has gone to far.

All aspects of our communities are important, I’m not going to spend any time trying to say that Lesbians are more important than Gay men or that Bisexuals shouldn’t be willing to stand up for themselves or Poly-amory is somehow less about the people involved than it is about sex or Asexuals should just find the right person....you see what I’m doing here, right? What I will say is this, no letter of that line of people is any less important than any other but somehow because of sites like Tumblr and Reddit there is a large group of people out there who believe there should be a label and a title with a long winded definition for every aspect of every group that is within the community of people in the world. You can’t just be trans anymore you’ve got to be “Insert long title” here. And it’s not just our community that has this problem either. There are so many words out there, heterosexual people are now cisgendered, or cischet (what the hell is this? You can’t just put words together and call it a thing) or they’re secretly denying their internal gayness because a woman has the ability of looking at another woman and appreciating her beauty. You can no longer say you’re gay but you look at a male/female and see their aesthetic beauty and still be accepted as gay.

What is all that about? As a way of simplifying it, we are a community as human beings. I don’t care if the person next to me is gay or straight or black or white or yellow or has somehow turned themselves bright blue. The community is humanity.

That being said, any of those labels you assign to yourself or anyone else do not make you any more or less special than the next person sitting next to you. You are not a special snowflake who needs to be accepted and protected from every thing in the world that may cause you harm.

There is a problem within the community. Everyone has a sense of self-entitlement that they wear proudly and exclaim to everyone that is within hearing range that they are whoever they are and while that is okay that you are proud to be whatever you are, the person sitting beside you may see things another way. If you want them to accept you, you need to be willing to accept that they may not accept you. Hard concept to grasp, I know, but it’s there. Not everyone is going to accept you, and as long as they are not causing you any kind of harm to you, you shouldn’t force them to accept you for who and what you are. We are human beings, we all deserve the basic set of rights that say we can marry, we can vote, we can breathe...whatever but no one group or one person should expect that the group beside them is going to accept them.

I’m going to clarify here, I’m not saying that it’s okay for certain groups to lash out at others. If you’re causing any kind of physical or mental harm to someone, you need to take a long, hard look at your life and consider why you think it’s okay to hurt someone because you don’t agree with their lifestyle. What I’m talking about at the people at Pride-fest who think that they are allowed to be any more or less prideful in who they are than the person next to them. A drag queen has just as much right to be proud of themselves as the trans woman beside them. Just because we’re different doesn’t make us any less important or valid. But it doesn’t give us the right to force our beliefs down the throats of those around us.

If your family doesn’t accept you as being gay, I’m sorry but throwing it in their faces every time you see them isn’t going to help you any. If you’re trans and people in your family don’t accept that, I’m sorry but you may not be able to change their minds about it and you may find yourself having to have to swallow a lot of rhetoric. You need to be willing to stick by who you are without expecting everyone else to cow-tow down to your wills.

The last thing I want to talk about is along the same lines as the community of letters above but...slightly different.

In the land of fiction, either on television, in books or movies there’s been a surge of something that’s referred to as the Queer-bait. Where two people are put into situations where they’re supposedly made to look as though they are mocking/part of the homosexual side of the community. While this does happen...

NOT EVERYTHING IS QUEER-BAITING NOT EVERY MAN WHO IS FRIENDS WITH ANOTHER MAN IS GOING TO BE CONSIDERED GAY FOR THAT PERSON TWO PEOPLE CAN BE FRIENDS AND NOT BE HAVING SEX MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE CAN EXIST IN A SIMULTANEOUS SPACE WITHOUT EVERYONE GETTING FUCKED FROM ONE ANGLE OR THE OTHER

That’s pretty much all I have to say in the matter there.

As I go forward as a psychological professional, I have to wonder if I’m going to have to repeat this entire thing to a stunned face of a teenager who thinks that the world owes them something because they’ve declared themselves a red panda. [Red Panda herein referring to the most over-dramatic, panicky, twitchy little fuzz-bucket you’ve ever met]

[samuelpboswell]

25 Influential Women in Digital Marketing Who Rocked and Inspired in 2018

The digital marketing industry is like no other, and one of the great joys of publishing a top marketing blog is the opportunity to shine a light on top talent. People who are doing great work, inspiring others to do great work and making a difference in marketing. Working in this industry over the past 20 years has provided numerous opportunities for me to connect with, learn from and be inspired by incredibly talented marketers. Many of them women. And so, for the ninth year in a row, TopRank Marketing is publishing it's annual influential women in digital marketing list. In the past, we’ve had previous honorees nominate others, picked those that were most influential using software, and even asked C-Level male marketing executives to nominate their female peers. This year, I’m taking a different approach. I'm going back to the origins of the very first list back in 2010, showcasing women in digital marketing that I know and have been inspired by. Here is this year's list of 25 (out of many more) women in digital marketing who have inspired me in 2018 to be a better marketer and in some cases, a better person. Mina Seetharaman - EVP, Global Managing Director, Content and Marketing Solutions at The Economist @minaseeth Getting to know Mina as fellow advisory council members for Digital Marketing Institute, I’ve learned that she is a fountain of knowledge on many topics including all things digital marketing. I marvel at Mina's willingness to entertain meeting with me to share marketing and health tips alike. As a leader in her company and industry, she is a passionate public speaker, advocate and lifelong learner that inspires me to continuously improve. Ann Handley - Chief Content Officer at MarketingProfs @marketingprofs While I’ve known Ann for many years, she’s continued to be a great friend and supporter (and co-presenter). But what’s inspired me is how she continues to optimize herself and her speaking skills as a professional keynote speaker. Watching her present at numerous events in more than one country has helped me elevate my speaking game as well. Plus she’s smart and funny as hell! You should subscribe to her newsletter for weekly inspiration. Tyrona (Ty) Heath - Global Lead, Market Development at LinkedIn Marketing Solutions @tyrona I am fortunate to serve with Ty on an industry advisory council, where I've seen her in action as a passionate advocate, marketing thought leader and communicator. Having a chance to share ideas and brainstorm with Ty had my brain popping like popcorn, which I suppose is another way of saying I was both energized and inspired. :) Kirsten Allegri Williams - CMO at SAP SuccessFactors (and Opera Singer) @kirstenallegriw At a busy conference like SAP’s SAPPHIRE event it is easy to be distracted. That’s why I was impressed by how present Kirsten was on our first meeting. Of course, she’s incredibly smart as well. Since then we’ve had a few opportunities to communicate, but what has inspired me most about her is the content she shares on her social channels. It is consistently positive, uplifting and optimistic - all things that inspire me to do the same. Alison Herzog - Marketing Director, Global Social Business and Digital Strategy at Dell @alisonjherzog Conversations with Alison are inspiring to me because she is incredibly smart, thoughtful and generous. My team had the opportunity to work with her when she was at FamilySearch. Since then, we’ve had many opportunities to connect and the response is always the same: what a delightful, wonderful, person! Amisha Gandhi - VP Influencer Marketing at SAP Ariba @AmishaGandhi As the pioneer behind SAPs influencer marketing program, Amisha has been a spark that has ignited many of the most referenced case studies in the B2B influencer marketing space. She is very passionate about her work and life, and is always working to improve. Her ability to empathize with other people has made her a very effective negotiator and wrangler of resources to get work done and done well. It has been a pleasure for me and my team to work with her both at SAP and now at SAP Ariba. Dorie Clark - Author, Keynote Speaker, Adjunct Professor Duke University, Investor @dorieclark My first exposure to Dorie was her writing for Harvard Business Review, as well as through mutual connections on the social web and her active public speaking. When I finally had a chance to connect in person at a professional speakers' group that we're both a part of, I found her to be genuine, thoughtful, smart and generous with her advice. All qualities that I am inspired to exhibit more of myself. Konstanze Alex, PhD - Director B2B Influencer Relations at Dell @konstanze Konnie is a true professional who has high standards, cares deeply about relationships and is very loyal to those on her team. Luckily, some of my team members are also part of Konnie's team, working to support some of Dell's work with tech industry influencers. Konnie's dedication is an inspiration for us all. Margaret Molloy - Global Chief Marketing Officer, CMO, Siegel+Gale @MargaretMolloy Margaret is elegant, sophisticated and yet still approachable. When I saw her do a keynote interview recently, the first words I shared with the conference organizer was "now that was pure class". She is one of the most thoughtful and impressive communicators I've seen on a marketing stage and that has inspired me to level up my communications game. Carla Johnson - Keynote Speaker, Author and Programmer Director, Digital Marketing at HARBOUR.SPACE @CarlaJohnson Carla is one of those rare people in marketing that can "walk the talk" with marketing strategy and equally "talk the talk" as a professional marketing keynote speaker. That ability to do both is very inspiring to me. She is as smart as she is friendly, and also a true professional. It has been a real pleasure to know her and see her grow over the years. Beverly Jackson - VP Social Portfolio Strategy at MGM Resorts International @BevJack Several years ago I had an opportunity to fill-in on a keynote for Beverly and was then able to see her do her magic on stage. It was clear that all I filled in was her left shoe compared to the energy, charisma and confidence she brought to the marketing stage. But what is most inspiring is her incredible work ethic. I'm not sure she sleeps or if there is anyone that works harder than BevJack. Ursula Ringham - Head of Global Influencer Marketing at SAP @ursularingham Working with Ursula on influencer marketing projects and being connected on social network sites makes it easy to see she is as enthusiastic about her work as she is about being in the outdoors. She is incredibly driven and motivated to create impact and that is inspiring to me. For even more good stuff about Ursula, read the interview. Rani Mani - Head of Social Influencer Enablement at Adobe @ranimani0707 The only woman on this list I have not met personally (yet) is Rani. I interviewed her recently and when doing my background research found her amazing and inspirational personal story. From her journey with cerebral palsy to her work with Mother Theresa to inspiring her team at Adobe, she believes "there is nothing you can't do". Rani is someone we can all learn from. Kate O’Neill - Professional Speaker, Founder at KO Insights @kateo I first met Kate back in my SEO days. Recently, we've reconnected and I see that she's a renaissance woman on fire. She is a strategy consultant to Fortune 500 companies, helping to navigate digital transformation in a human-centric way. She's also an author and active keynote speaker. Her latest book, Tech Humanist is about how to make technology better for business and for humans. More than anything is Kate's positive energy. In her presence you cannot help but be inspired to tackle your day with optimism. Olga Andrienko - Head of Global Marketing at SEMrush @Olgandrienko My recent re-entry into the search marketing conference world has exposed me again to some of the most talented marketers in the world. I am a longtime fan of SEO software SEMrush and have see Olga's inspiring work with content, media, and influencers, winning numerous industry awards and maximizing exposure at events. She is kind, super smart and her marketing leadership has really put SEMrush on the martech software map and that should inspire every marketer. Amanda Todorovich - Senior Director, Content & Creative Services at Cleveland Clinic @amandatodo At the top end of our content marketing maturity model, we talk about "Monetization", content marketing that is so good, it becomes it's own revenue generator besides leads and sales. What Amanda has created at Cleveland Clinic represents that level of content marketing excellence exactly. Of course, besides being an award winning marketer, she's also generous with advice, empathetic to others and genuinely a good person. Sarah Wells - Olympian at Athletics Canada @SarahWells400mh As you may have guessed, Sarah is not a marketer. Not exactly. She’s an Olympic athlete who runs the 400 meter hurdles for Canada. Sarah is also an evangelist for her Believe Initiative, which is a program that challenges young people to make choices over sacrifices, relentlessly pursue their goals and learn from past obstacles. Sarah overcame incredible obstacles herself as an Olympic athlete and she has developed impressive marketing chops as she promotes the initiative, and impacts and inspires thousands of kids every year. Rashmy Chatterjee - Global Sales Leader, IBM Security @RashmyC Where do I start with Rashmy? I recently learned she was the first woman in the Indian Navy, speaks at least 5 languages and has worked in leadership positions as an engineer, a marketer and now in sales. I first saw Rashmy present during Advertising Week when she was CMO of IBM North America. Most recently, I saw her during a keynote interview at MarketingProfs B2B Forum and was reminded of her depth of knowledge combined with wisdom, character and laser focus on results. She says: "All marketing is sales. At the end of the day, marketing must show results in the sales ledger or nothing else matters." Ardath Albee - CEO at Marketing Interactions @ardath421 Ardath is the queen of B2B marketing in my book. I have learned so much from her over the years. Not only does she continue to stay on the front lines of B2B marketing consulting, but she also shares those insights generously through her consulting, speaking, blogging and her books. When I attend B2B conferences, Ardath is a speaker who I always find a way to see present, no matter how many other top speakers are in the same time slot. Stephanie Stahl - General Manager at Content Marketing Institute, UBM @EditorStahl Taking over the content marketing conference machine that Joe Pulizzi created is no easy task. But Stephanie has done it with class! Most people will never speak at, let alone run an industry conference. There is an incredible amount of work that goes on behind the scenes and in front. Stephanie has managed to do both with Content Marketing World and I am very happy to continue our relationship with CMI going into 2019! Katie Martell - Speaker and Emcee, Marketing Consultant at On-Demand Marketing @KatieMartell Sure, Katie has roasted me in her introduction before giving a keynote, but that's Katie. She is irreverent, smart and entertaining - a perfect emcee. She's also an entrepreneur, advocate, connector of people and a super smart marketer. Katie runs Boston Content, the region's largest community of content professionals and has been hailed as a “marketing expert to follow” by CIO Magazine. Katie brings energy into every room and conversation she's a part of, and challenges you to be and do better. Andrea Vahl - Author, Consultant, Strategist, Speaker at Andrea Vahl, Inc. @AndreaVahl This book author and marketing consultant is also a talented stand-up comedian! It's inspiring to me when people can become successful in both their main career and their side hustle. I've known Andrea for many years and she is consistently thoughtful, funny, smart and genuine. Even as "Grandma Mary". Purna Virji - Sr. Manager, Global Engagement at Microsoft @purnavirji I've had the pleasure of seeing Purna speak in multiple countries, mostly at search marketing conferences, but rarely about "traditional" search marketing. Purna has deep knowledge of AI, mobile, voice and customer experience and I learn from her every time. Her pursuit of and sharing of knowledge is inspiring.

Amanda Brinkman - Chief Brand and Communications Officer at Deluxe @amandakbrinkman Based in Minnesota, Amanda has led an incredible multi-year transformation of a 100 year old check printing company into the digital marketing age. Her work creating the Small Business Revolution to tell the stories of America's small businesses has generated phenomenal results. I am inspired as much by her brand and marketing savvy as I am by her focus on purpose driven marketing.

Luciana Moran -  SVP, Digital, Content & Creative at Dun & Bradstreet @lucymoran While my agency has worked with Lucy on an influencer marketing project in the past, it is my recent experience working with her on a conference panel that gave me cause to be inspired. First, Lucy went above and beyond answering interview questions, promoting the interview article and our panel at the conference. Second, during the panel she stuck to what she knew and didn't try to be more or less than that - a lesson for many in the marketing spotlight, including me! Another group of women that inspire me are the amazing marketers at TopRank Marketing! I am fortunate to work with these marketing professionals who not only go to bat for their clients but for each other. In a recent leadership meeting, I finally noticed that I was the only man in the room. They include:

Susan Misukanis - President and co-Founder

Alexis Hall - VP Client Accounts

Amie Krone - Operations Director

Ashley Zeckman - Senior Director of Digital Strategy

Caitlin Burgess - Senior Manager of Content Marketing

Tiffani Allen - Senior Account Manager

Elizabeth Williams - Account Manager

Jane Bartel - Account Manager

Claire O’Neil - Account Manager

Debbie Friez - Influencer Marketing Strategist

Allysia Kveberg - Senior Analytics Strategist

Anne Leuman - Content Strategist

To see the women in social and digital marketing who have been recognized in our lists from past years, here you go: 2010 – 25 Women That Rock Social Media 2011 – 25 Women Who Rock Social Media 2012 – 25 Women Who Rock Social Media 2013 – 25 Women That Rocked Social Media 2014 – 25 Women Who Rock Social Media 2015 – 50 Influential Women in Digital Marketing 2016 – 50 Influential Women in Digital Marketing: North Stars & Rising Stars 2017 - 25 Women Who Rock at Digital Marketing in 2017 Who inspires you to be a better marketer? Feel free to share in the comments. 

The post 25 Influential Women in Digital Marketing Who Rocked and Inspired in 2018 appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

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Email Advertising 2017

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