#A STUPID MISTAKE ISNT GONNA RUIN MY DAY!!!

[thatoneweird014]

live footage of me rn

[theslay3d]

Heey! I'm here for Alex with a sarcastic reader that loves to joke around and make funny comments, please <3

Alex Fierro x Reader

Gender: Gender neutral

Warnings: um arson? man idk just slay also probably spelling mistakes

Word count: 1132

A/N tbh hate the aesthetic pic for Alex might change it...Anyway hope you enjoy!! also sorry if you didn't want it romantic.

You've been in Valhalla for around the same time as Magnus. You even helped him when he had to go on those crazy quests. You were also there when Alex got there. 

You didn't like Alex at first. When Alex first got there and changed into a wildcat and started running around she stepped on your foot and ruined some of your stuff which made you be well…mean to Alex. 

Of course Alex was mean and sarcastic too but that was just her personality. You did start to get along after a little bit Which totally wasn't because Magnus made you to be friends because he couldn't  handle all the comments and insults thrown around. 

Anyway after all of you defeated Loki. You and Alex started to become closer until eventually you started dating. It wasn't much of a surprise to your friends as loads of them shipped you two. 

Alex likes your personality a lot. It reminded her of herself and it was easier to get along with you. Plus you both could bounce off of each other with insults to your friends. 

One time before you both started dating you were sat in the dining hall and were talking to your friends about Alex. 

You sighed. “You know Magnus I tried to be nice but then Alex happens and it ruins all of my progress.” 

Magnus’s eyes went somewhere behind you. “Alex is behind me isnt she?” You turned around and looked up. Alex raised an eyebrow at you. 

“Are you gonna say it to my face?” Alex taunted with a stupid smirk on her face. 

“You ruin all my progress of kindness” She seemed surprised you actually said it. You turned back around to sit normally. 

Alex rolled her eyes and moved to sit in the only empty seat. Across from you. 

That was one of the times you realized you may have liked Alex. There were other times when you realized it like this one time that totally did not involve arson. 

You and Magnus decided to go to one of the training areas to fight for fun. Now you both were standing outside the room that was currently on fire. 

Alex along with others ran up to you. “What did you do!?” Alex yelled looking at you. “Nothing!” His eyes narrowed. Alex knew it was probably you who set the room on fire. 

“Okay well I did commit a touch of arson but really it's Magnus’s fault” You pointed behind you to where Magnus was standing. “What!” Magnus yelled, raising his hands. “I didn't do anything!” 

You rolled your eyes. Can't Magnus take the blame for once?  

“Shut up Kurt Cobain wannabe take the blame” You whispered to him. Magnus looked at you offended.

Alex seemed to have heard you and he rolled his eyes. He grabbed both of your arms and started dragging you. “Your both grounded” 

Alex continued to drag you both to your room. He shoved Magnus in his and slammed the door. Then he dragged you into yours but stayed in. 

“Why are you staying?” You asked with narrowed eyes. Maybe Alex would actually murder you this time.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I wanted to see your room” You sighed and turned to jump on the small couch in your room. 

You could see his eyes dart around until they landed on a wall. 

“Is that a wall of knives?” Alex asked.

You turned to see where he was pointing. “Yes!” Alex noticed that you seemed excited about it. “Why?” He asked. 

“It's my emotional support knife collection.” You turned your head back and smiled up at him. “Maybe one day i'll get to use one on you” 

“Was that a threat?” 

“Did it sound like a complement?” You tilted your head. 

Alex didn't reply and turned to leave. “Are you leaving?” you called out from the couch. 

Alex turned back around but kept walking backwards. “Yes Y/n that is the point of turning around and walking to the door.” 

“Fine bye”

Alex opened the door and left. You didn't realize you were smiling at the door until a minute later. You rolled your eyes at yourself. Hopefully this crush would go away. 

Another time during a Valhalla battle Alex got hurt but not enough to die. 

You were standing near Alex while your other friends were off fighting. She was leaning on a wall trying not to fall over from her wounds. Alex knew she would heal which is why she was just waiting. 

You tilted your head at how much blood Alex had on her. You couldn't even see the designs she once had on her shirt. 

“If you pass out I'm not catching you” You blurted out. 

Alex rolled her eyes. “Remind me to kill you later” 

“Oh of course I'll set a timer incase i forget!” You said sarcastically. Alex sighed “This healing thing is taking to long just kill me already” 

“I dropped my weapon back on the field so…” 

“Of course you did” Alex muttered and moved to grab something from the belt she had on. It was a knife. 

“Oh! A knife, are you flirting with me?” You teased as you grabbed the knife from her hands. She locked eyes with you. “You need therapy” 

“I know!” You said and quickly killed her. Obviously she would come back but even just killing her felt a little weird. You kept having to repeat in your head that she would come back. 

Finally moving on to the time you finally kissed her. Or well she finally kissed you. 

You both were alone which seemed to happen a lot these past few weeks. It seemed your friends got super busy lately. 

You all were supposed to meet in one of the movie theaters in Valhalla to watch a movie. So now it was just you and Alex. Sitting right next to each other for some reason.

You sighed again. “My hands are cold” You whispered not expecting Alex to hear you. 

“I'm tired of you complaining” Before you could think of what she meant she grabbed your hands and held them. 

Your eyes widened. Alex Fierro was holding your hands. 

Before you could think about what you were about to say you blurted it out “You know what for some reason my lips are getting cold too” 

Alex turned to you a little surprised. You were also surprised at what you said but were even more surprised at what Alex did. She leaned in and kissed you. You kissed back. 

You broke apart from Alex. She turned back to the movie. “Now be quiet, I want to watch in silence.” You nodded your head and listened to her. 

Maybe you were glad that the crush never went away. 

[dinopant]

Just put this in tags in another post buT I wanna make a full post on my full thoughts

Mapleshade good i love her

She was introduced as this character who was just a dark forest cat

All you know about her is that she was evil

Then shes this figure of torture in crookedstar promise

All you know about her is that she is evil. For these reasons we hardly understand or that are explained and that crookedstar was no part of. She seems evil and irrational. All you know about her is that she is evil and your meant to think nothing else

Then mapleshade vengeance happened

And most of yall seemed to read it and continued to think mapleshade was evil and that was it. plain and simple Because you've been told this for so long that you haven't considered ever that she can be seen as anything else.

Mapleshade is already a character written in a poorly written book series that tends to make things very black and white. Especially with rules and how cats feel. Stuff along these lines. If the writers say a cat is evil we for some reason can’t seem to be allowed to see them as anything else even if some of their evil stuff is agreed to be ok on other characters or isolated without the characters name attached.

Mapleshade is a cat who lives in the clans, and anyone with the ability to think knows the clans kinds suck. There are rules that are ridiculous and even harmful such as these mixed clan romances and shit.

Mapleshade also appears to be living in a time where the clans are cruel and strict.

Mapleshade is a cat who made a mistake with the cat she chose to loved. Appledusk never loved her and she made the mistake of getting close to him. 

She wasn't in love with Birchface. She never had to be. But when someone ask if that's her kits father, of course she says yes. Because she knows the laws and isnt looking to start up more trouble than she is already in.

Mapleshade killed appledusk, who more than deserved it. And was surrounded by cats who let her kits die. Cats who despite seeing and knowing her loyalty and young young kits decided their laws were so important that the death of one cat (Birchface) was worth ruining a whole family and letting children drown. (I really don’t see anyone talking about blaming the cats who let all this happen, only yall you want to say mapleshade let her kits die and shit like HELLO?)

Mapleshade loses her kits, I often see people say 'she killed her kits it's her fault for making them cross the river' like hello the books are badly written?? You think this lady who clearly loved her kits so much would have done that just because and not because she thought she needed to. You act like bluestar didnt take her kits out of camp in the freezing cold and lose one. Mapleshade was desperate and afraid with no where to go but with hoped riverclan. All she had was hope, and at her kits death she had nothing. With appledusk and darkstar and everyone else turning her away at this point she had less than nothing. She is upset and she goes on her quest of vengeance against cats who wronged her over and over. ( I really don’t understand how this isnt seen as an epic tale of a mother who sought vengeance for her three lost children sPECIALLY when we on SO many occasions have seen  cats murder others for equal to less reasons. its a fucking fantasy book about WARRIOR feral CATS yEAH sometimes a killing gonna happen and it DOES A LOT!)

Mapleshade lives in world that chose to be nothing but cruel to her and she dies by its hands.

Normie warrior cat fans dont have a single sympathetic bone in their body

'Mapleshade is a murderer!' So are a lot of cats yall dont NEarly give as much shit for also it's a fantasy cat book where they fight and shit big woop

BUT the real point I'm making, my idea for better writing

Mapleshade has killed these cats who wronged her and starclan sees her through their glasses of black and white. She is a murderer. She goes to the dark forest.

But miraculously despite their stupidity, they recognize some of the cats she killed as rule breakers. they are also sent to the dark forest

Mapleshade spends the afterlife tormented by the ghost of her past.

She stands on the edge of the dark forest and thinks of her family

Then

Crookedstars promise

But instead of just a story where mapleshade haunts and torments crookedjaw

Crookedjaw struggles with mapleshade as she tries to get revenge, tormenting him however she can. She has become twisted and dark with her time spent in the forest. 

However, Crookedjaw learns about Mapleshade. hears the stories of mapleshade. Here's the vile way people say her name. They see her as evil because it's what they've been told. A story of this cat who killed Riverclan warriors for what their told, no reasons. Shes only a murderer.

But Crookedjaw gets the full story from Mapleshade and potentially others.

He sympathizes with her and understands why she would be so hateful and spiteful of his family despite many moons past.

Crookedstars promise becomes a book of healing. Crookedjaw does what he can to atone for his family's mistakes and what they did to mapleshade.

Mapleshade isnt sure she can ever forgive what happened.

Crookedjaw and bluefur fall in love and she has their kits.

Mapleshade watches. She is seen by crookedjaw less and less as she had begun to watch over bluefur and her new born kits. She sees herself in the new queen. She wants her to thrive and be well.

When mapleshade knows bluefur has decided to take her kits to riverclan so she can be leader. Mapleshade wants to yell

She watches bluefur get up and take her kits. Mapleshade yells and yells to bluefur. she tells her to turn back. It's too cold, turn back. They wont make it, please! Someone else can be deputy. Do this another day. Anything! Please dont do this!

Mapleshade frantically tries to get her ghostly cries to reach bluefur

Snowfur's ghost walks on in silence. Eyes on mosskit.

Mosskit drops. She dies and Mapleshade cries for the kit who has died too young. For the blue queen to has made a mistake that got her own beloved kit killed. Much like Mapleshade has many moons ago. 

Mapleshade is heart broken as she watches bluefur get her kits to riverclan. the only thing that brings her joy is watching Crookedjaw and Oakheart accept these kits to their side of the river lovingly, accepting them fully as family. 

Snowfur leads mosskit to starclan. Mapleshade follows as far as she can go to make sure they make it ok.

She stands at the edge of starclan like she has so many times. Watching the two cats walk right in.

Snowfur stops. Still quiet. And gives a single nod to follow.

Mapleshade enters starclan. She sprints into starclan until she is met with her babies

Mapleshade lives out her days with her babies, and her new found family with snowfur and mosskit. Soon oakheart. Stonefur and bluestar. Crookedstar is there happy to see the cat he knew deserved a second chance. They wait for mistystar now.

Mapleshade is finally at peace

Appledusk replaces maples position in the dark forest.

All you were supposes to know about mapleshade was that she was evil. But maybe she could be more.

[zombieratt]

Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

[fipindustries]

advice for my younger self

listening to that playlist i shared earlier today really got me in the mindframe of me back in my first years of college when i was barely starting to learn what it was to be an adult. and thinking about that i thought of some thing i would ike to say to that person, some bits of basic wisdom that without getting too specific or too monumental would have made a big difference. things that i know i wouldnt have figured out on my own until it was too late.

 this is not about specific mistakes i made but more general attitudes that i should have carried with me back then. most of this is going to be very particular and make sense only to me but if you are interested keep reading.

1) you dont have to complete your carrer in five years, you can take six or seven or ten years to do it, your parents would have assisted you all the same

1.a) as for studying, for christ sake dont just read the textbooks, if you are giving a big test and specifically if its a big oral lesson, write it down before hand, prepare a speech, write a monologue, practisce it, memorize it. prepare specifically what you are going to say when you are in front of the teachers, dont try to just “learn” it and hope that you’ll be able to recall it during the test

1.b) you dont have to take every single course in the semester, you can pick two or three you are really interested in, let the others by the wayside, pick them up later, use the free time to really study properly or get a simple part time job if you can, i know its sounds scary and like its a lot of responsability and like it diverges wildly from the plan you have for your life but trust me, its a lot easier than it sounds

2) dont be afraid of mental illness. is not as scary as it looks form the outside in. you are not gonna go insane, you are not going to get lost in a false world of delusion where you can never know what is real and what isnt. reality asserts itself, things calm down, it goes away. you get through it and you realize is not that bad from the other side. mental illness is a lot more common than you think, a lot more widespread than you think and a lot more manageable that you think. is not the end of the world and is not the end of your world either.

2.a) dont be afraid of the therapist, you will actually enjoy it a lot. it doesnt mean there is something terribly wrong or broken with you. its not shameful. they are smart and trained and they are glad to hear you talk. they are not going to force you into anything you dont want, they are not going to turn you into someone else, they are not going to send you to a mad house. their primary goal is that you be comfortable and at peace with yourself. go to a therapist.

3) keep your eyes open for any boardgame clubs. ask around, i know for a fact there is at least one in every city you’ve lived, maybe not yet at the time of you reading this but there will be. if you find them, join. they are the best thing that has ever happened to you.

4) if you happen to have sexual partners (and im not saying you definetly will) make sure they have a good time. ask what they want and do it for them. make sure they cum, seriously. stay with them. spend time together. cuddle in bed. they are having sex with you so the least you can do is have sex with them as well.

4.a) and by that same token, if you are in a relationship dont doubt to ask for sex too! be open about that, be forthcomming, but do be respectful. and if they say no or that they dont like to do that you should probably end the relationship, you are not going to be happy with them.

4.b) dont be afraid to try on womens clothes, you have my blessing, explore your femmenine side, try on make up. try on the fake boobies. do silly frilly pinky femmenine stuff. i know it’s just a weird fetish for you but if you have a partner be open with them about this and if they are supportive or want to help you explore this take full advantage. and dont worry, its not some dirty disgusting terrible secret that must be hidden from everyone. your friends and family are going to be ok with it if it ever comes out but dont feel is some dark secret that you must confess either, its your bussiness and for you to figure out at your own pace (also, hey, weird tip, i know it will sound absolutely nonesensical to you but did you know there are a lot of trans women who are trans without expiriencing dysphoria, just a fun fact i wanted to share with you :) )

5) dont be afraid of SJWs, they are not going to take away your games, they are not going to ruin cartoons or art or books or movies. masterpieces will still come out, well written, well drawn, well programmed and well animated masterpieces that you will love. you will be amazed at how easy is to ignore those people and how irrelevant they actually are once you stop following them on tumblr and once you stop going to twitter. 

5.a) if you think politics is stupid or cancerous now, wait until 2016, ok?

5.b) learn to apologize and own up to your mistakes. if a friend or an acquaintance is telling you that you are being an asshole online dont get defensive, just drop it and move on. dont make a huge deal out of it and dont engage in long protracted discussions online. just dont, you will embitter yourself, this is particularly salient because to this day you are having problems with this one, though not as frequently as you used to.

6) this one is more superficial i think because overall you did well on your own without advice from the future but... trust in your art. you will will amaze yourself with the things you will create. you ARE going to get a LOT better at what you do and you will learn a lot of things you never thought you would be able to master. you are going to become an amazing artist (that doesnt necesarily mean a financially succesful one or  a widely known one but you will be good at it and, trust me, that is what matters)

7) i know you’ve heard this one a million times but this one is cheating because i am from the future and i know this for a fact, you will be ok. things will work out, you will, time and again, find the way to fall on your feet, your family and friends will be there to catch you. you have a safety net, you are very lucky in that regard, dont take it for granted but it is there. you are not gonna end up homeless in the streets or raped in a dark alley or expelled on in prison or in a mental hospital, so relax and stop being so scared. you have ten very weird years ahead of you so good luck with that.

ps: you are going to meet a girl named zoe, she’s great, she’s the best. dont go live to hear apartment if you dont have a stable job and able to pay your own rent. and if you do make sure you moved out of it by february of 2020. if fact if at all possible, try not to be in cordoba by 2020. you are going to be fine as long as you are careful, you are not gonna die, i repeat YOU ARE NOT GONNA DIE. but do be extremely careful. thats it, godspeed.

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

So I’m finally getting around to writing out a bunch of info about my Sander Sides au so I hope youre all ready--(its like 1 am im so sorry for any spelling mistakes and missed tags)

So its 1 am on a work night and I cant sleep and I’ve had lots of ideas and canon things for this au bouncing around my head for days and now TONIGHTS THE NIGHT ITS HAPPENING IM DELIVERING YOU ALL THE DETAILS AND EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF AND TYPE 

Also please feel free to ask about this! I know I got a few new followers from all my recent sander sides art and also thanks to @sugarglider9603 reblogging some art I made of their au I got the biggest flood of exposure and attention on my art ive ever had and I have so much to thank them for, for all recent exposure ive gotten the past couple days( theyre so sweet and lovely and easy to talk to sugar deserves all the love--) and its given me a huge surge of motivation and confidence to post this. And please, my inbox is always open to talk about my aus or my art! Ask questions, send requests, send headcanons or ideas, send fluff angst im open to anything and I try to do all requests sent to me(sooner or later)

Oh oh! and please id you catch any and all the little inspirations or anything let me know

And finally this au is a LAMP au with Remile and Demus on the side

Ahem ahem anyway onto the au!!!

More under the cut so I dont flood your screen too bad!

Ok so! 

This Au was originally inspired by @residentanchor‘s amazing fanfic A Lesson in Practicality and also a little bit by @prettyinaccurate‘s fanged virgil au( I’ll get more into that further down) 

So it takes place in a (currently) unnamed bigger city I based off San Francisco and Sacramento( because I live in Cali and those are the two major cities ive really visited ya know?) The boys are all in various stages of their twenties when they move into a four bedroom apartment together: Patton Foster is the oldest of the roomies at 27, then Logan Masters at 26, Roman Prince at 24, and finally Virgil Collins at 22. They move in together because it all works out for them really, the apartment is in a good distance to all their current jobs, whether by bus or even in Pat’s case in walking distance and with all four of them it was well affordable and was pretty nice. I mean hey it even came with a little communal balcony ( since theyre on third floor of the building) 

Things are understandably a little rocky at first , i mean isnt it always though?

Virgil has alot of anxiety and so he tends not to talk really at all at the beginning unless he ABSOLUTELY had to, mostly communicating in noncomittal noises and soft grumbles, and he was fresh out of collage and barely two years into his job and out on his own for the first time and he wasnt really ready for it either like christ too many people

Patton was bright bubbly and caring. This wasnt his first rodeo with roomies, I mean cmon, hes been sharing a room with his older brother Damian(deceit) on and off almost all his freakin life, nor was it his first time living on his own with strangers(hes lived in two different parts of two when he was job hopping before he settled down in his current part time job)

Roman was extroverted loud and exciteable, he too was used to sharing his living space( he had TWO siblings after all) and before he had moved into the apartment he had tried living on his own and with other roommates while he attended collage, but those just didnt work out well ( he ended up staying with his older brother Remy in his studio apartment across the city while he finished out that semester and searched for a job to keep an income.

Logan was serious minded stern toned and confident, he had a minor degree in teaching that he was slowly repursueing and had been out on his own for awhile before he had moved in. And though cold at first he soon found his group of housemates...enjoyable.

Its about a month into them living together that they learn exactly why despite slowly getting close and getting to know each other Virgil still kept a wide distance: He had entirely sharp teeth.

“ I dunno....I was born with them..theyve always been a sharp pain in my ass...” - virgil, about his teeth

Of course just having sharp teeth wasnt bad enough oh no. You see a few years back when he was about 18 he was young and dumb and made horrifically stupid and reckless decisions under peer pressure and ended up doing something that not only pointedly (haha oh god im not funny) chipped his front teeth but it fucked up his teeth pretty majorly, he went from having a normal overbite to almost having a goddamn underbite and crooked all his teeth, and the only way to fix it( because somehow miraculous for all the damage done it turned out to be mostly reversable aside from the chipping) was getting braces to realign his teeth. So he’s had pretty purple braces over his fangs since he was 18 and they werent expected to come off until he was AT LEAST 25 and he was insecure about them. ( he got mocked for them through his two and a half years of junior collage)

Once the gang finds out they are understanding and helpful and dont make a big deal about it( though virgil gains a significant amount of more vampire related nicknames from roman)

Once they get close and comfortable around each other the apartment is pretty warm and lively! 

Virgil works at the art store as an assistant manager and head stocker( a bit of a dream come true since he was an art student)

Roman works as a part time waiter at a family resturant as well as working at a nearby theater( he was of course a lovely theater major) 

Patton worked at a nearby cafe and bakery as a bit of everything! He helped wait tables, serve behind the counter, and helped in the back in the kitchen( the owners were family friends and he’d been working there almost four to five years at that point, boi knows how to do everything) 

Logan worked at a big name bookstore, and also provided tutoring sessions for highschool students on the side by commision

More FACTS~~

Family ages for the big families go as follows:

Fosters: Damian(28), Patton(27)

Prince: Remy(26), Roman(24, older twin by 10 minutes), Remus(24, younger twin)

Emile is 27 and is a licensed therapist and works as a counselor for young adults that volunteers at the nearby library to ready to children

Remy works as a coffee barista in Emile’s building

Remus does alot of odd jobs, kinda working as an independent for hire and gets a surprising steady flow of work and pay. Hes still a trash man though, but hes a successful trash man( partly thanks to Damian calling in favors with connections)

Damian works at a law firm slowly moving into the position of prosecutor

Virgil doesnt really get along with his family and at some point Emile offers to take virgil in as his adopted brother, with Damian assuring him if he wanted concrete legal papers to start changing his last name, cutting ties with his family, anything needed for it he’d see to it that they’d be providing(something our boi really appreciates)

Remy visits Emile on his breaks since hes literally just...two hallways down and vice versa

Damian and Remus live together in the next, slightly smaller city over because Damian’s work transferred him to a different office in order for him to keep moving up in the ranks so to speak. 

Hes also good at what he does.

Family nights happen whenever they can

Patton got to teach them how to cook alot of complicatied dishes from scratch, a bonding time he adores

Roman got Virgil an Espeon hoodie after they all start dating and virgil loves it and wears it alot around the house because its a thicker hoodie and warm( though he tries to ignore the big ears and the obnovious tail

Virgil also loves visiting Roman’s work on what Ro likes to refer to as “ hellish days” AKA kids day which means goofy kid friendly theme days. His favorite was probably alice in wonderland day when Roman was Tweedle Dee

Roman played J.D at the local theater and likes to hum some of the his songs to switch up the Disney

The balcony is covered in houseplants and and a corner of old blankets and pillows to sit and chill on

Once a month Logan and Patton have what is affectionately referred to as the Cat Discourse

After any particularly rough days at work Patton tends to massage Logan’s shoulders and back to make sure Lo doesnt get any really bad stress knots

in return when Logan sees Patton’s head a hard day he makes Patton’s favorite drink and pulls him into a hug and let the older man fall asleep in his arms while they watch movies

Pat and roman sense each other’s bad days and order in some cliche diner food and hole up in pattons room with Pattons computer and relax the shittiness away with comedy specials and movies 

Likewise Virgil has a knack of picking up Roman’s bad days and always grabs a couple glasses and a bottle kinda cheap wine and they end up curling up together on Romans bed marathoning Disney movies on Virgil’s laptop 

and when Virgil closes himself off more than normal Logan manages to lure him out of his room and they end up sitting out on the balcony quietly talking and stargazing

so loving and fond and soft with each other

you hurt one of them you gonna get BEAT by the others. 

Speaking of getting beat, never EVER mess with Roman or Remus in Remy’s proximity

Remy Andrew Prince can and WILL fuck you right up if you hurt his little brothers. He’s protective.

and where Remy will rearrange your face Damian will ruin you mentally and legally if you so much as mistreat a single freckle on his little brother’s face, despite knowing that Patton is fully capable of taking care of himself. 

Everyone protects Virgil, dont mess with or hurt virgil or you have the pack coming for ya throat

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand thats all I have for right now! Of course more will be added but now its almost three in the morning and I have work at 1:30pm and im sleepy finally! But I hope you guys like this! And please, feel free to talk to me about it, my inbox is always open!!

Taglist: @phantommoonpeople @sweetsweetemo @loganberrysanders

[angrylizardjacket]

ask your destiny to dance [16] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“I can’t speak to her.” Roger’s got his head on a bar in a pub that’s not Ash’s.

“Can I go back to pretending I don’t know what was going on?” Brian asks, taking a long sip of his drink and gazing out at the crowd. It’s been over a week since Ash had stayed over, and they hadn’t seen her since. It’s not like she’d even asked about him, or made a move to contact him; sometimes they go a full fortnight before seeing one another, but Roger’s been fretting for almost eight days internally, and for the past twenty minutes externally, since he’d finished his first drink.

“She said she loves me.” Roger groaned, lifting his head to weakly order another pint. 

“From what you’ve told me, she wasn’t even fully conscious; it’s not like it counts.” Brian had never seen Roger downright distressed like this, it would be funny if it wasn’t bordering on annoying.

“No, that means she was extra honest,” Roger groaned, downing half his beer in on go, to which Brian could only roll his eyes.

“Or she was still asleep and thought you were Jack Nicholson.” After a beat, Brian goes back to watching Roger brood over his glass. “Boo hoo, Rog,” he shoved the blonde lightly, to which Roger just leveled a glare at him, “a girl you’ve been seeing for months maybe has feelings for you. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

“It’s only been since I broke up with Kristin,” he’s adamant about that and Brian lets him have it, for now. In retrospect, he feels like an idiot for not seeing it sooner; Brian’s not sure when it started, but it’s definitely a lot longer than Roger’s willing to admit. “And it doesn’t mean nothing, but it also... it’s never meant something. Like it’s something but it’s not something. It’s just fucking around and having fun.” And Roger swivels on the bar stool, joining Brian in looking out over the crowd, before they spot Freddie crashing through the door, making a beeline for them once he’d spotted them.

“Alright, what did I miss?” Freddie asked, though the other two were quiet as he ordered a beer. Before either could get a word in edgewise, Freddie props his chin on his hand on the bar, and announces; “Roger you look like shit, what’s wrong?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in love with Ash, and he thinks she’s in love with him.” Brian says blithely, and Freddie nods with understanding as Roger tells them to both sod off, and he stalks through to join the crowd on the dance floor. “She said she loved him in her sleep.” Brian explains, taking the chair Roger just freed, sliding into place beside Freddie.

“I’ve never seen him this worked up about someone before.” Freddie admitted, and Brian nodded in agreement, the two of them barely able to see his blonde hair for the crowd, and they lost sight of him soon enough.

“What do you think? Has Ash said anything?” Brian’s gaze slides to Freddie’s who just rolls his eyes.

“I think my dear Ash has never in her life loved a man who’s deserved it,” Freddie mused, though his lips twisted into a smirk, “that’s not to say she’s a saint, far from it, but compared to the others, Roger is a breath of fresh air.” 

“Isn’t that a sad thought.” Brian said faintly, before heaving a sigh. “Well, I know we haven’t been here long,” he got to his feet, finishing off his drink and looking around for his housemate, “but if I don’t drag him home he’s going to do something stupid in his current state.”

“Like that pretty, brunette thing over there?” Freddie asks, pointing to where Roger’s already got his lips on a wavy-haired brunette at the side of the room. Freddie’s pretty sure he sees Brian’s soul leave his body for a moment, and watches everything play out like a terrible Shakespearean comedy for which he was the only audience member.

“He’s a danger to himself.” Brian takes Freddie’s drink from his hands and takes a long gulp before passing it back, though Freddie doesn’t seem likely to complain.

“He seems rather fine,” Freddie watches Roger go in for a hickey on the girl with a morbid, voyeuristic interest, taking another sip of his drink, “and you know he and Ash aren’t technically exclusive.” 

“Yeah but there’s three options here; Ash finds out and gets pissed and I have to hear about it because apparently now that I know I’m all in on this disaster,” Brian lists on his fingers with a theatricality Freddie had rarely seen from him before, though he’d rarely seen Brian this exasperated before, so perhaps it was merely that, “two, Ash isn’t pissed, sleeps with someone else, and Roger gets pissed because he’s in love with her-”

“Which is unfair, what a tremendous double standard.”

“Yes, we all know Roger’s a hypocrite.” Brian sighed, casting a glance over his shoulder at Roger, before turning back to Freddie.

“And three?” The other man prompted, and Brian picked up his empty pint glass.

“I kill him with this glass because I’m sick of his sulking.” He says bluntly, and Freddie’s all for the third option, but he begrudgingly helps pull Roger away, to which the drummer complains the whole time.

“Where are we going?” Roger demands to know when they head in the opposite direction of his apartment, a sentiment that Brian mirrors, though he doesn’t seem inclined to question Freddie’s direction outright. Freddie always had a plan. The man in question wrapped an arm around Roger’s shoulders.

“You’re going to confront your problems, Rog.” He sounds so decisive, as if it wasn’t a plan he’d come up with as they were leaving the bar, and Roger tries to scramble his way out of it, but Brian’s fed up enough with Roger’s complete inability to do anything but run from his problems that he’s willing to take Roger’s arm in an almost iron grip.

“It’ll do both of us a world of good.” Brian tells him as Roger glowers at his housemate.

“You don’t get to decide what’s good for me; what’s good for me was that girl at the bar, she smelled nice and was about three minutes away from banging me in that bathroom.” Roger snarled, wrenching himself out of their grips, though he didn’t run this time, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked with them.

“Rog, we’re not gonna let you ruin a good-” But Brian’s gentle sigh was cut off by more of the blonde blustering.

“That’s so presumptuous!” He stopped in his tracks, scowling between both of his band-mates. “You’re both wankers, selfish fucking wankers. This is kidnapping.” He snaps.

“Fine; if you want to leave, we’re not stopping you.” Freddie offers, gesturing freely at the path behind them. “We’re just trying to help.” 

Roger stomped the entire walk to Ash’s apartment. 

“What the fuck, guys.” She opens the door with her hair in a messy bun, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a ratty, oversized Beatles shirt. “How did you get in?” 

“Your RA let us in; sorry for the interruption, just had to deliver this idiot.” Brian gave Roger’s shoulder a nudge. Roger is looking at anything but Ash. His latest drink had hit him about the same time as he got to her block, and now that he can smell the vanilla candle she likes to burn in her room just beyond her, he just wants to curl up and go to sleep under her duvet. Or fuck her. He’s not quite sure.

“Can I return to sender?” She asks without hesitation, and Roger rolls his eyes. Freddie shoves him forward.

“No.” 

Ash doesn’t move, just frowns as Roger stumbles into her space, and she’s automatically got a hand on his chest to steady him. Roger doesn’t seem like he’s there completely of his own free will, but he doesn’t move away from her, even as both Brian and Freddie leave, muttering something about him being ‘her problem now’.

“Care to explain?” She asked, gently walking him backwards and closing her door behind herself. The two of them make their way to the common area, and Roger sits up on the kitchen counter as Ash pours him a glass of water.

“Not really.” He said, sipping the water loudly and swinging his legs so his heels kick the cupboards below. Ash looks like the very sight of him exhausts her, but she rests her hands on her thighs, pressing herself against his legs to still them. “We can fuck whoever we want, Ash.” He says, seriously, and he sees the exact moment she realised the reason for his forced meeting, and he watched her expression fall.

“Yeah of course.” She agrees, crestfallen expression turning quickly to faux apathy. “Did you have fun?” But her heart wasn’t in it.

“They pulled me away, brought me here before anything really happened.” He huffed, taking another long sip. Ash stepped away, yawning loudly and sinking into a chair at the dining table. After a beat, Roger hums thoughtfully. “Ash, what do I mean to you?” And it’s so nonchalant it actually hurts Ash a little.

“I think that’s a really shitty thing to ask right now.” Her answer is automatic, she can’t look at him. “And I think you’re drunk.” 

“Ash...” It does register in his mind that he’s said the wrong thing, and it breaks his heart to see her too tired to repress her emotions like she usually would in this situation. Perhaps she assumes he won’t even remember this tomorrow. “Ash, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yeah, I know.” She says softly. “You’re always sorry, and I’m always sorry, and there’s always someone else that feels like a mistake, even though we don’t technically need to apologise.” Shaking her head, she sighs deeply. “This isn’t the time for this conversation.” She admits, and standing, she takes his hand. “Come to bed, Rog.” 

When they’re back in her room, she pulls off her sweat pants and offers them to him without even thinking about it, and he’s quiet, forlorn when he takes them, changing into the borrowed pyjamas. Ash is already tucked into bed when he turns back, back to him, pressed as close to the wall as she can get with her head pillowed on her hand, not even attempting to co-opt some of the pillow for herself. There’s sewing equipment out, obviously still in use in the corner of her room, a blouse half sewn and still in the machine where it was left when it’s creation had been interrupted by a knock at the door.

When he slides into bed beside her, reaches out to rest a hand on her shoulder - an apology? a reassurance? just a need for human contact? - she shrugs him off, murmurs a quiet ‘don’t’. 

“I panicked.” They’re back to back, and the bedside lamp has been turned off. Roger isn’t even sure if Ash is still awake. He speaks into the silence, made honest by the hour and his inebriation. “You told me you loved me and I panicked.”

“Roger... I never said that.” Ash’s voice was confused in the darkness, and Roger feels like his whole world has fallen out from under him. He’s spent over a week considering whether or not she’d remember; if it had been real, whether she’d really meant it, but he’s never quite sure which answer would hurt more.

“You... were mostly asleep.” He admits, and he can feel the way Ash sighs heavily, the shift of her back against his as she tries not to hear it.

“Wow, imagine what kinky shit you and the girl from the bar would have gotten up to if I’d meant it.” She just sounds tired, as though she was trying to end the conversation, as though she hadn’t just shattered Roger’s heart. After a beat, she laughed humorlessly. “What are we doing, Roger?”

“I think Brian’s right.” And his words are enough to startle a weak laugh from Ash. “I want this to be about more than sex, I think.”

“You’re drunk and panicking; don’t worry, I’ll still work with the band if this goes south.” Ash says. Roger won’t take that, can’t let himself fall into the trap of panicking like he’d already fallen into that night. Turning, Roger presses his lips to the back of her neck, and Ash doesn’t like to think about how good it makes her feel.

“I’m sorry-” He tries, but she cuts him off.

“I heard you the first time.” Voice terse, she crosses her arms awkwardly over her chest. “Roger the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me.” She admits, raw and honest, glad he can’t see how conflicted she was. “You were so worried that I was in love with you that you almost slept with someone else, and for what? Were you worried you were losing control of your life? Didn’t want to be tied down?” Roger’s got an arm on her shoulder, rubbing comfortingly as she speaks, and he can feel her shaking.

“I know I’m not a saint, okay, love?” Roger admits, and Ash takes a long moment to consider his words, leaning back a little into his touch, before answering.

“Neither of us are, Roger, and that’s why what we have is so good right now.” Her voice has softened, and Roger stays quiet. “We can talk about it tomorrow.” She says gently, before reaching to link her fingers with his where he’s got his hand on her shoulder. She pulls him closer, and Roger makes a low hum, pressing a quick kiss to her shoulder.

When the morning comes, things are quiet and golden. Neither one knows what to say to the other, but Ash still gets him a cup of tea in the morning, and when he sees the cup with the little cat face on it, Roger feels something tighten in his chest. 

“Let’s try this, please.” He asks, expression sincere when he looks at where Ash is tucking herself back into bed, pressing herself against his side. The look she gives him is confused, and then it blooms into something hopeful. “I’m not fucking around here, I mean it.”

When she kisses him, her hand is warm where it had been holding her teacup, and she’s smiling against her lips. There’s a tension in her shoulders, and he can’t stop playing her words back over again in his head, ‘the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me’ and it’s clear that feeling hasn’t vanished over night.

But she’s willing to try.

the ususal suspects: @deakydickfanpage @hollyissuchahoe @laueecakee @smittyjaws @crystalshines2909 @i-am-sarah @legendsaresooftenwarnings @2ptonpt @benhardy24-7 @maiilovely @mickey-yr-a-goner @butter-times @heyyouitskay @tired-eyes-fairy-lights @yepimthatperson @missieluvsmurder @ironqueen98 @ceruleanrainblues @banhbao329@fantasticchaoticwho @ko-kitty @seven-seas-of-hi @mimisfangirlfantasy @aadjuric @rogmobile @cardybenhardy @snacfu @perriwiinkle @the-strange-fan-girl @finite-incantatem-7 @tapetayloe @florencewelchmybiggod

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply.. im sorry im making a lot of personal posts in a row but Jeez lads its [opens vodka boddle] suddenly depression night

honestly i dont even want to thnik about what the fucks goin to happen in the near future vis a vis the Impending Doom and my life falling the fuck apart and so hilariously instead im gonna Sit here and INSTEAD cry about the past and think about how i only ever make fuckin mistakes and ruin my life and exist as a Fucking joke to everyone around me and like. theres that Haunting feelin when you look back and realise that oh god!!!!!!! i always was gonna just end up sitting alone in a fucking cupboard crying!!!! and its so STUPID!! i feel so stupid sometimes looking back at my past self and see all the times i was STUPID enought o fuckn hope sth could turn out different like. thinking i could get away from this House and thinking i could find a place that i feel comfortable and i remember being so Fucking idiotic!! LIKE to ever think i could do fucking anything when its so obvious im Nothing, when EVERYONE knew i was a gd damn failure but noo!!!! i used to buy into the fucking empty ass idea that its gonna be Okay one day when its not gonna be and thats just? how it is.  it just get worse and worse and GOD i dont know im just crying like an idiot because i dont know where the fuck im going in life and im too fucking much of a mess to do fucking anythin and i feel so damn trapped and alone and god isnt it fucking brillaint remembering how alone u are how everyone thinks ur highkey a fucking idiot and a joke and fucking LOVE to judge u behind ur back to the point where they think ur STUPID enough to even fall for some of the DEEPEST bullshit well jokes oon them becase the truth is i fucking am !! eve when i see it . because god knows if im not that fuckign pathetic AND I know its my fualt i shoudl just fucking grow a backbone for ONCE in my life and fucking tells eomeone to FUCK OFF  or at least be truthful when im upst but no little bitch scareyd ppants doesnt want to fucking throw up over themselves for being in the way for the bajillionth time and its jsut a fucking Wreck its just a ucking wreck i wish i didnt even fucking . try.  i wish i did fukcing kill myself my GOD it always comes back to that gee boy howdy i WISH i did fucking throw myself in front of a train when i had the chance because since then everythings jus t felt so dso uckng  numb and god  i dont even CARE any mre whatever bitch fuck it UP i guess i know its and god god im jsut. HEAD EXPLOSION time over ten million different fucking things and  god i wana throw up i want to fuckn throw up but im still too scared to leave my god damn room bc my parents are walking about now and heeyoooooooooo ISSKSDPFOFKPSFK

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

[katastrophycal]

Just Now Watching Riverdale Commentary

Part Two: ***SPOILERS*** •So Jug’s back to narrating •Riverdale’s star footballer becomes drug mule, yes Sheriff, thats exactly how they getchu •Lol stereotypical male sleepover, check •I’m sure it stunk just as bad when Archie boy was convinced he was a boxer •Okay V cool it with the bragging •"You’re Betty’s boyfriend" •#Bitch don’t tell me what’s right for my niece •Archie’s dad is not going good •I freaking hate it when people say it wasn’t supposed to get this bad •Polly you aint got nothing to prove •When your kids start stuff without asking you •yes archie, this that is how you family •nononononononono •poor moose •Kev you best get your bf in check •damn right she’s the baby’s godmother •Archie I know this is hard for you, but do not do nothing stupid •Really kid? You’re gonna wear your lettermen to a gang bar? •shit •Jughead’s not gonna believe him is he •None of these people are gonna be Polly’s friends are they •hmm double godmoms? •twins? Really?? •awwww more family bonding that archie had to ruin •And here comes the battle of the houses •Betty do not look at him like that •You go Polly •ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!?!! YOU NEVER WANTED HER TO FEEL UNLOVED? •Awww •lets not talk about legacies if no ones dead •… Oh god… Please no… •Yay she still wants him •Damn right Betty •I feel personally victimized by this family •Yasssss Betty •Yasssss Juggy •You don’t want Blossom blood in your house?? Damn right you gonna freaking leave •You can talk to me about anything, ummm when? •Noooo not Joaquin •uh oh •Don’t trust it Frank •Wait she gonna ditch her own family?? Again??? •Never trust someone who says you’ll be safe •Aww early morning visits •No overeaction? Huzzah Momma Betty •Archie: New girl every week •Lowkey forgot about Ethel •The flirty eyes will not work because he is gay honey •Why. Are. All. The. Adults. In. This. Town. Trying. To. Get. With. This. Kid.??? •HE IS A GIGOLO THO •Dang Betty be workin her own angle • This girl out in the middle of the woods while its snowing, In. A. Mini. Skirt. I’m all for girls picking your style. But practicality comes first •Yikes, V I am sorry, I do not envy you •So many redheads •sNAP •Why this man tryna act gangsta? Cheryl you are not a gangsta’s daughter •Polly betrayed you?? You threw her in an asylum •Insult:)my:)baby:)one:)more:)time:)and:)I:)will:)cut:)you:) •Money can’t buy you happiness Archie boy •You’re gonna go to her dad? •Damn, firing your own wife •Yep she’s crazy •He. Is. Not. Jason. • I am in love with Jug’s sense of humor •Yikes, bye bye gigolo •and off go the pearls •Archibald? Really? That’s almost as bad as Cheryl •WOMEN CAN LEAD F U MR BLOSSOM •Yep all the adults in this town are insane •Yes thats what you tell a girl about her father, turn against him so he can be miserable in prision, wont that be fun? •Yo boi is a gigolo •Yo boi is also a spy •Not as good as Juggy and Betty but on the eight track •Cheryl really is a lot like Lydia •Poor crazy Momma Betty •Jughead Jones, International family helper •Frank you’re getting in over your head •Oh no •Nevermind •Go Ethel •So V’s dad killed Jason now? •It would be so much easier if police would just let them help •Lol just when you think you gotta grip V, the rug get yanked •Why does no one believe it when a person says they don’t like parties, and then they innevidbly throw one for them. •This is a bad idea •Boi damn right he told Betty about your bday •awesome. friendly competiton turns into a slut off, wonderful. •Archie. Is. An. IDIOT. •Really Cheryl? Teaming with Chuck? •Awww is Juggy jelly? and concerned? aww •Jughead is so awkward. He is also me. •Really V? Really Archie? Lets just make it all about you on Jug’s day •Or just V •Betty y u no listen •Or just Cheryl •Ugggg •On the bright side, my gay cuties! •"These kids are more on the ball than the sheriff" YUP SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK •Nononononono •My babies •jeez that’s a little intense •NotBettyNotBettyNotBettyNotBettyNotBet- •Yes!Jughead!Yes! •Damn right go check on your girl •Aw yes. Be honest with each other •HE KISSED HER HANDS •THAT IS THE CUTEST THING •These 2 crazies gonna finally get together aint they •Yerp •aw he took the floor •Sneaking out early, classy •I don’t think I’ve mentioned this but, Smithers?? A butler named Smithers??? •#JugheadKnows •#JugheadApproves •Yasss V on the team now •I want that dog •Holy Shiy is that Molly Ringwald?? •So wait did Ronnie’s dad go to prison before or after Jason went missing •Aww #supportive dad • “That’s what Betty says” •Of couuurse, lets just pretend it never happened • excuse me ma'am, Juggy is not a murder suspect •*see’s wall of wigs* Welp that’s creepy •COQUEENS!!! •"they make you want to slit your wrists" •For a sec I thought Archie was Peter Pan from Once Upon A Time •A daily milkshake??? •Look at Jug being helpful •and Awkward •Look at him being all hopeful for the future •*Screaming* •Please don’t make Molly a villian •Archie looking to Jug for reasurance •Ahhh Juggy without a hat •Pweeze dont screw this up A and V •Oh damn, maybe it actually was the Blossoms •nononononono •Oooooh she called in the dad •"It’s the same as when we were kids" •Are they drugging her with milkshakes? •yep •Why you always lyin •You’re a Blossom should be an insult •Archie looks like a valet •I love how Football was so important to Archie in the beginning but now its basically forgotten •nonononono •Please do not pull the no long distance card Jug •Remember when Archie and Betty were actually friends •nononono •Jughead grinning w/o a care, poor love has no clue •Did Joaquin frame Jug’s Dad?? •Have you seen Betty should be the tagline for Jug •nonononononononononononononononono •Please don’t leave Jug •Really starting to remind me of Pretty Little Liars •So Molly is kinda a villan •And FP is being framed •Good Cheryl, you did keep the ring •Please find him •oh my sweet baby •So the Rich chicks gonna run •V’s phone is huge •please don’t leave my baby without a father •Y y y y y y y y y •Don’t shut them out •Frank don’t do that to him •Betty if you die… •hurls about jason and polly being related •"third cousins" ewwwww •Betty. If. You. Die. •I’m starting to not appreciate Jug’s humor •great now he’s crying •Now Archie looks like Kaleb from tvd/to •My babies gonna break up… All of them •he called her!?!? •Yes baby!!! •At least their initials are the same so they can pull stuff like that •oooh puhleeze tell me one of the Blossoms did it •I hate fake lead ups •No way all of them make it out of this alive •Betty the smartest of them all •its polly isnt it •or Cheryl’s dad/mom •dad •Is she gonna kill him? •Yep the dad •why did he confess •jeez Jug •"Everyone makes mistakes", albeit not suspect your family of murder mistakes, but mistakes • I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive Archie’s dad •And I did not see that cliff hanging •ohhhh boi •Ad so it comes together •"Pesky kids" lol more like meddling kids •No snitching rule makes me sad for people who have kids •all around me are familiar faces… •I get V and her mom mixed up •where is my Jug? •Freaking politicans •Betty is a strong independent woman •Veronica gonna come clean? •Yep •THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER THANK FRIGGIN GOD •Archie don’t you dare frick this up!!! •That courthouse is from Once upon a time •They come after my little Bett I will kill them •nonononono •my baby is getting moved? •lol can I please get more Jug and Ronnie friendship •don’t you dare break up my babies •please •tanku •you’re gonna manipulate your daughter into making things easier for you?? •Betty is ruthless •Screw you Blossom mom •There. Is. Another. Betty/Polly. Out. There. •Why don’t they just change schools then? •"and it would keep you safe" •JESUS CHERYL!?!?! •omg archie •That was intense •So she is gonna do the speech? •do not doubt the love guys •"local hero" psht •"Not a doubt in my mind"… so he’s not the worst dad •Betty please don’t do something Stupid •Too late •But maybe not too bad •uh oh •I sense an oncoming storm •Did she just?!? •DID HE JUST!!!!?!!!! •he took his hat off •they love each other. •oh boy •Oh Boy (x2) •Everybody gettin some tonight •Lol how do they film that •Oh. Shit……!!!!!!! •Goddammit jug •and there goes the mansion •nononononono ……. I hate it when I’m right. Love the show though.

BUT:

[sad-sad-times]

So, one of my Lit teachers was supposed to come into my other Lit teacher's class with us to give us our graded essays back.

She came in, said she was pissed at all of us because we didnt do our exam response properly. Fair, we didnt. Then she said, directly to me, in front of everyone, loudly. "(M/n) I didnt even bother marking yours because you didnt fulfil the essay criteria of handing in the plan" and I said, "I put it on your desk like you told me, I literally left it on your desk" and then she was all "well where is it, I haven't found it. You're lack of organisation is going to cost you in the long run and if you 'keep messing around' (or) 'being un-organised' then it's gonna cost you" and I was kinda shocked I guess, she was just going on about how I wasnt taking it seriously or whatever. And of course I was pissed cuz I care about my A-Levels and I thought I was doing good. So anyway, I carried on in class totally fine. But later, (during the Christmas party at college btw which was totally ruined for me now) I started having an anxiety attack, which arent uncommon for me when stressed or angry, but I wasnt crying bc I was hurt by what she said, I was angry that she said what she did because how fucking dare she call me out on front of everyone. But my Lit class, who are amazing lovely people, came outside to comfort me and (insert name here) was saying that I shouldn't let her ruin college for me and that I am good at English, they kept saying all these really nice things and I calmed down and tried to enjoy my last day of college because Christmas break.

So basically, this is a letter/rant to my teacher. Enjoy.

You asked me to put the plan on your desk the next morning, so I put it on your desk. Yeah I may've forgotten it for the lessons before but that was a mistake that I apologised for and promised that I'd bring it in first thing the next morning. You refused to mark my essay because I didnt fulfil the criteria, if you ain't there to get the plan off me the next morning when you tell me to leave it on your desk, not my fault, your problem.

Also, you got a problem with me then you speak to me to the side in private, you dont call me out in front of my entire class of peers. I'm predicted an A* so clearly I'm doing something right here hun, dont you dare tell me that my way of going through college is wrong and that I'm gonna mess up if I stay being "un-organised" I may make a couple mistakes, but I get good exam results, I know the texts, just because my folder isnt organised to the exact way that you want doesnt mean it's messy, if I know where everything is and how to find it then that's my business, not yours. These are my A-Levels and I'm gonna get a B or above because I am smart, it has taken me fucking years of positivity from my family and peers who keep telling me to chill, and that I'm not stupid, that I'm actually worth something. So fuck you for purposefully undermining my confidence (which is holding on by a thread btw)

If the way I work gets results, then it really shouldn't matter how you would do things. We are different people, everyone works differently, people learn in different ways. I learn in my way, you work in yours. And that's fine, but if you're gonna tell me how much you think I'm a piece of shit (not a direct quote) in front of my class, because the way I'm doing things is un-organised, then that's your problem babes.

I ain't gonna let you ruin my A-Levels for me.

[naiiiiiy4-vi]

Mindless Rant

Okay this may make me seem like a brat but I stg I’m just stressed and bothered and I just want to listen to BLACKPINK and go to sleep or cry but I can’t and I know that if I don’t get this out I’m never going to and it’s just gonna stay in there forever. So some background about this: Milestones (Literally EOG/EOS testing but I think they only have it in Georgia??? Idk I know they have it in Indiana and stuff but it has a different name but ANYWAYS) testing is currently going on and I’m rlly stressed like pulling my hair out crying until I pass out or die from dehydration stressed. I’m practicing so that I can just get my grade even though I know that no matter how hard I try, I’m not gonna meet the standard or I’m not gonna make my parents or teachers proud and I just want to give up. But the current section is math and I have my gum and all and I’m ready. I think I’m ready. But I go into the test and I take too long and I have to end the test before I’m done from running out of time like I have to every year, knowing that I’m gonna get any grade back and just be a disappointment because I wasn’t good enough, because even my little sister in FIFTH GRADE got better marks than me. because I’m stupid. I’m a disappointment and I’ll never be good enough. So I’m expecting the worst as I go throughout the day and I’m tired I just want to sleep or eat or something and I get to art and I’m so emotionally distraught that I practically ruin my entire painting and in band I couldn’t play right and I keep forgetting at F is one finger and G is open, not the other way around. Everything felt like it was collapsing in on itself and in English we were starting a project and I had no idea what I was gonna do. And I know people have it worse but in that moment I couldn’t think about anything else but than how I was gonna fail and people were gonna hate me even more and that makes me so fucking selfish and I just wanted to give up, to hit pause. So I read some and then get yelled st for reading and I just want to cry and so I do, I break down and everyone thinks it’s just because of the books being taken and “oh she’s a brat wtf this is why she never talks lmao let’s go make fun of her” and so I have to deal with that. My other friend doesn’t want to talk to me and I know I can’t consult with my older sister because what is she gonna do? So I just deal with it and it piles up and up and up and I want to just stop time and take a nap but I have responsibilities and so I put up with my exhaustion and I do stuff I do homework I work I do what I’m told. And I just want to collapse but I can’t. Dinner comes and oh yay food but oh no chores and I know everyone has chores and responsibilities but it’s building and building and getting bigger than I can handle and I get yelled at once for messing up and being ticked off at my brother and I just start crying and my dad keeps yelling at m and getting angrier with me and I know I’m a disappointment and a mistake but can you lay off? But it hits the tower of stress and it hits it and it crumbles and here I am now in my room, writing this post, and I’m trying my hardest not to cry because if I do I won’t be able to stop. And guess what? My fucking brother comes back up to me and says “You need to do trash” like the parents literally said that he had to do trash? Screw you? I already want just break down? You heard what they said and now I’m repeating it because don’t worry I’m irrelevant and I don’t matter. Because, like you’ve said many times, nobody would care if I just disappeared and left. Nobody would miss me. People would actually cheer. So thank you, brother dear, for being so kind. That’s also why I don’t understand healthy relationships with siblings like I’ve had such a toxic relationship with everyone in my family (immediate or not, blood related or not, actually in my life or not) that a happy life and a healthy family that spend Friday’s together and play games and act out plays together seems foreign, alien to me. It feels forever away and, true fact, I thought THAT was what made movies fictional. Happy, healthy family’s. Or siblings. Dipper and Mabel. Literally every other relationship. These kids get a gentle slap on the face once and call it abuse, but I get beaten both verbally and physically where it could definitely leave marks every day and I’m not allowed to complain. Because I’m irrelevant. Because I don’t matter. Because nobody would care if I just up and disappeared. This is to the point of where I have literal dreams that my family is together and that they care for each other and that mother has time to take care of me and ISNT scrapping for every single penny, and that father is actually around sometimes and that I didn’t have to go through this alone. This is to the point of me not knowing how to respond to people talking to me casually without being snarky and pushing them away in fear. This is to the point of where I’m staying in my room all day and only leaving when I need to. And this is gonna sound iver the top emo but to the point of where I can now click the ‘yes’ box for the question ‘have you seriously considered harming yourself/harmed yourself on purpose in the past 20 days for at least 16 of the days?’ Like this shouldn’t happen to me (or anyone, really). I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m living a lie. This has been my mindless rant. If you read it all, thank you. Thank you so much. I had to get that out and I’m sorry, I’ll try to be better in the future.

[isaacathom]

ok this is actually a fun bit of writing here, even if the preceding shit was kinda garbage

tl;dr this bitch has to rant about this stupid book because i naively want to learn something about my family’s history and this is the only fucken way to do it

‘When he discovered he had to work to help provide for this instant family of a large flock of children, ‘Mick’ showed his true self and devotion to the family.

Within a year of the marriage, he left the fold, leaving his wife to fend for herself in the daunting task of raising her children.’

like.aside from just being kinda awkwardly worded (he bangs On and On about how his mum was the 11th of 11 children like fuck i get it its a big family, holy shit) i think thats just. a good concept there. the space really sells the punch. wouldve been better if we hadnt been told beforehand that Mick was a cunt, yknow. but thats nice

also lets keep going. ‘6 step brothers and 4 step sisters’ theyre actually her Half Siblings. they all share the same mother. theyre related. she’d be step if she was adopted, which she was not, because if she were, surely we wouldve been told about those circumstances.

‘[his mother] easily met that high standard as she was a very pretty young lady’ please dont perv out over your fucking mother you pig of a man. also you would hope ‘jock’ (his name is fucking robert but ok, Jock) was interested in more than how pretty Nellie was when they got together, right......... like there had to be more to it. am i naive? perhaps

‘scottish clan gordon’ the what. but we arent gordons???? are you. are you hundred percent sure. are you positive about this. are you sure thats why your name is gordon. alright buddy

‘according to buzzy’s story’ please never refer to yourself in the third person

‘hotels rarely burn down’ ?? i dont buy that at all. my guess is this famous hotel (which.... you didnt name so ok)

ok so theres a picture in here of my dad standing at some random gate, and he says its the same gate as a picture of his dad..... where is THAT picture??? this picture means nothing without that historic context, and it feels hollow if the actual picture isnt there.

granddad you dont. you dont need to wikipedia article dump me information about glasgow??? i mean sure, cool, id rather just be reading the wikipedia article.

jesus christ. so hes talking about his dad, right. who he’d technically set up earlier by saying he came to melbourne at 19. before he launched into a whole thng about his mother and shit. and suddenly hes come back to his dad to explain that his dad (so gordons grandfather) used to beat him! and its like, wOAH, where the fuck did that come from??? shit dude. thats rough. but he just mentions it suddenly out of nowhere. oH JESUS actually. sorry. i misread (yknow, because its written like shit). he means.... his brother??? right, he means his Brother Robert, was beaten by his dad, also named Robert, who was the one who came to melbourne aged 19. ok. ok that makes slightly more structural sense but ooof. ouch. poor robert (the younger). in my uh, defence, this book is written awful and i've never met robert? (my.... understanding is that he probably died before i was born? like with mary, who i dont recall having met either)

ok uhhh ‘most of the gorbal’s tenemenets were eventually demolished by the wise founding fathers many decades later, in the 1980s’ the WHOM. this isnt fucking america, this is scotland, what in the actual fuck are you TALKING about????????????????????????????? ‘modern day replacement improvements and architecture designed to achieve, what?’ fucker they were trying to fix the mistake they made in crowding 90k people into the fucking gorbals. maybe they didnt succeed (they didnt) but they were trying, it was naivete rather than fucking malice, you bitter old fuck. like, you visited in the 1980s.... and published this book in 2007......... without thinking to check back......... like hey maybe theyve gotten better? (newsflash - they fucking have) sooo... fuck

‘could the [my family] be related? [to the mcdonalds]’ yes??? we literally are. theres no question of that. being a sept of clanranald, we are Literally related to the fucking macdonalds. you absolute buffoon. yea its distant, and maybe thats your point, but when combined with you launching into this giant diatribe about rhw Campbells for shit that happened long ago, it seems youre picking and choosing how close ‘related’ is. we are. literally. related to the macdonalds. also it wasnt thought up in glasgow, they were from fucking new hampshire. but sure. 

‘his sheila wife of his’ excuse me?

‘so the name was related to a buzzing bee i suppose’ ? i still dont get it. like, he then explains that apparently his twin sister had difficulty saying Brother, so she called him Buzzy. that makes sense to me. i can understand that. but the buzzing bee thing? not sure i follow, given the prior context he provided. i dont get it. this is written like garbage. theres no structure. we went from jumping forward in time to the birth of my uncle Dale (my dads older brother) and suddenly we’re talking about Mick’s running career and gordon’s childhood! what the fuck happened.

‘coupled with the bigoted attitudes that were rife during those periods’ says the man who got angry at a black (i THINK, mightve been a separate story)  frenchman who couldnt speak english in France because ‘we saved them’. fuck off. youre just like them, you old codger.

also hes decrying his grandfather mick for being ‘no true irishman’ even though micks dad was full irish? by that exact same metric i can call my grandfather no true scotsman, because his dad is full scottish and thats it!!! you fucking fool. no true irishman, holy shit, how little self awareness could this man have.

‘then excessive drinking liquor isnt for me’ but is Is for your wife, is it gordon??? drinking wine when shes on antibiotics??? fucking incredible. god theyre. theyre so stupid.

‘not proceeding as a scholar as i could have’ you literally admitted like 5 pages ago that your twin sister was Far smarter than you, but sure! ~scholar~. if you were meant to be a scholar surely you wouldve bounded back from missing days with a vengeance. youre talking complete tosh.

im confused why theyd be doing bombing drills in South Yarra.... in preparation from a japanese air raid.... like im sorry, if the people north are doing their jobs, theres no physical way they couldve gotten to south yarra....... but ok. thats not his fault i just think thats strange.

im 110 pages in and he hasnt actually gotten to the point where he meets eleanor??? aside from a few time jumps forward and a brief mention of ‘meeting her in a milk bar in south yarra’ so like. hoi vey? the fuck.

oh jesus thats. thats a heavy thing to just chuck in the middle of a sentence??? like ‘oh yea after Skete the next scout leader was a paedophile who abused me and the others’ wwwOooahhh there buddy back up. what???? holy shit. ouch. thats. thats rough.

‘absolutely belted this poofta bastard’ yknow what? fair. id also beat the fuck out of a pedo with my boot. thats Relatable. good going on that, i suppose.

ooh thats full third person, weird.

one thing that is definitely kinda interesting, and very telling about his relationship with his family, is that he only ever refers to Nellie as ‘mum’, but refers to Mick as, well, Mick! rather than ‘granddad’ or anything of the sort. like its just sorta interesting when you get this big family photo and Nellie is the only one not called by her first name.

‘returning to those earlier days’ NO! FUCKING MOVE FORWARD IN TIME YOU GIT!!!! holy shit i just want to read about new fucking shit.

......... so like, at some point while playing footy, an opposing player kicked him in the leg and caused a fractured tibia. so a few weeks later... one of gordons friends took a mark on that player and kneed him straight in the head, with that player never playing again. and he’s PROUD of that!!! he’s proud of his friend for ruining a guys footy career. like yea, the guy was a dick, he broke your leg and it was at least partially malicious, but like........... you fucked him up????? hardcore?????? a straight up ruination. but go off i guess.

its interesting that he doesnt go even remotely into eleanors history beyond the fact (so far) that her father Leo didnt say much but was a good dude. then again the books all about him soooo fuck it i suppose.

‘recognition of our scottish heritage’ eleanor isnt scottish tho. shes irish. shes an o'donoghue. what the fuck. like yea naming them dale and glen is a ‘clever’ nod back to scotland (i actually do think thats cute and clever, joking aside. its the exact sort of ‘clever’ shit i love pulling) but............. shes not scottish. unless we’re waiting for volume 2 all about eleanor.

hE USED TO LIVE OUT HERE??????? IN SPRINGVALE????? fuck me. no fucking wonder we live here, huh, jesus. that. certainly explains something, i suppose. like ‘if you were raised in holbrook and YOU were raised in thomastown, why do we live in knox?’

OHHHHH HERES THE FRENCH THING!!!! OHHHH HERES ONE OF THE FRENCH THINGS. OH BITCH behold

so granddads being a dick, as usual, and he’s on some tour in paris. and the tour guide launches into a long thing about the glory of france, like french history and the fighting record, etc. and granddad calls out and tells him to knock it off, because ‘our australians died by the thousands for your country’

i. eh... uhh............... is he. is he aware? of how many french people died???? for france?????? how many????? il tell you how many - apparently 1.44% of the total population of france. thats 600000 people. how many did we lose? around 35k. thats, uh, a smaller fucking number. than the amount of french people. who died. for fucking france. you fucking idiot.

it kills me. is he gonna include the french speaking one too???

oh hell that sure is a picture of my father. good heavens. holy shit my brother really does look like him. thats uncanny, man.

‘one son Scotty’ his name is Scott, actually. not scotty. but cool, i got a really small shout out, weirdly BEFORE my older cousins did???? oh dear is he gonna talk about my uncles divorce actually. oh god. thats. thats terrifying to consider. oh, cool, he didnt in that small section, hopefully it doesnt come up haha (i can only IMAGINE what sort of vile shit he’d say about cathy)

also, ooh, more nuggets on grandma’s family. her dad was a freemason! thats cool.

ooh! he was the president of holbrook shire council! thats kinda neat actually.

ooh! the glenndale motel actually still exists! thats cool as hell. not that granddad told me that i just googled it

OHHH ITS THE FUCKING FRENCH SPEAKING STORY OH MY GOD

Ok first off ‘i slammed my fist into the counter and said very calmly’ yea no fuck that, youre fucking lying. theres no way you slammed the counter and spoke calmly. you almost definitely abused this poor french metro worker who, being a French Man living in France, is not required to know english. you fucking babboonnnnnnnnnn

apparently he nearly fell off a mountain innnnnn geeermany? austria, austria. and as he mentions my dad pulling him back up, he words it as ‘stopping me from falling to my final destiny’ what fucking wording IS that. my god.

uh well ok thats. about it i suppose. there was a big hullabuloo about like, hotels and shit, and there was probably some racism about Islanders in there (like i find it hard to believe there wasnt but im not gonna go back and double check, because this book reads like absolute garbage). but eh. yea?

uuhhh so that was an Adventure, for sure

[isolated--wanderer]

Stupid 3 am mindset

I dont know how to properly place what im feeling together. I just feel kind of empty. Not entirely broken but like something is missing from my soul. Something so insignificantly small but i can still feel it.. Its like while looking over my soul from the outside i can sense something missing that keeps me from ever believing im whole or ever could be. Too small to see but not too small to feel… maybe its a mixture of everything i fucked up in the past year and i still dont know how to accept myself for the damage ive caused people. Theres so many things wrong with how i left that state. So many things wrong with how i treated my family and let everyone bash on everybody allowing myself to be caught up in the middle of it and not taking a stand for anybody until everybody lost their head with the madness. I will still never forget the look on her face when she told me i was never allowed back. To never message until i was 30 or dying.. Ill never forget that night. Relying on the only person who physically hurt me more than just about anybody had. Trying to find love in all the wrong places.. I trusted you you yelled in my face that night.. That night that destroyed me when the ambulance took me away.. The mistakes i made and because of that the relationships ive destroyed. How i cut out everybody when i should have held everyone closer because it was the last few days id see anybody again. The last few days we would all be together. I threw everybody away. Argued with everyone until they left. And here i am a state away realizing the real people i had and trying to mend relationships through words on a screen because i was too narrow minded to realize the real ones i had when i had them. How i left my little sister devastated on the kitchen floor because i was turning into exactly who i never wanted and the last person she wanted to see me follow… all because i continuously threw myself away for sex in hopes that id find love but never succeeded… Because sex isnt gonna get you love… Its gonna make you even more broken than you imagined. And before you know it you're in too deep… youve left your soul scattered through these empty museums around the world known as people. All they are is a pile of bones that you allowed to ruin you and you cant ever undo it… youre lying in bed waking up to the man youre in love with but you cant give him everything. You cant give him youre entire soul because god damn you allowed everybody to steal parts of it. Your soul is spread around. And you cant get it back and maybe just maybe thats the piece of you you feel is missing although coming to the realization its not as small as you felt it to be… You can vividly see this giant gash slowly stretching and before you know it youre watching it fade away into the dark. Youre watching the reminisce of your hand me down soul leave your body like a clump of dirt fading apart with the wind to find an empty museum worthy of holding the soul you were given yet only destroyed.