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mandapellie · 2 years ago

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My Mind & Me

The thought “You’re not good enough” has echoed in my mind for years and I’m not sure who said it to me first, myself or a family member. As a tween/teenager I went through some hard times, and I wasn’t the best at mentally handling those situations. The more I went through, the more depressed I would become. I hoped my depression would go away or at least get better as I got older, but today even still, depression finds me and has latched on to me like a leech.

I think about depression like this: all my negative thoughts, emotions, feelings and things I’ve gone through- I have compressed them all into a tiny box, like a pandora’s box just waiting to escape. When I’m feeling good, I’m good, but when depression hits, the remnants of what is inside that tiny, compressed box leaks outside of mind and into my depressive state I go. Sometimes, nothing triggers my depression and other times, someone can say something to me that reminds me of my childhood or says something that triggers my self-worth. On the topic of self-worth and self-love, I have come a long and profound way. I’ve shown the world, on Tiktok, that body positivity is something to be proud of and I’m not ashamed of it. I even go as far to tell people they also can move past their own insecurities like I’m some kind of influencer! My body has always been my biggest insecurity, probably because my biological father’s family made nasty comments about it. As time has gone by and the older, I become, I really could care less what my body looks like anymore, but when depression is in town-well that’s null and void. When I'm in the thick of it, I try to remember things that help me out of this state, but it just feels like I’m grasping at straws to fill in the void of what is missing. Even though there is nothing missing from my life. The Funny thing about depression, it has no rhyme or reason for it. It can be unpredictable and honestly it is fucking annoying.

I’m currently gazing out the window searching for something that isn’t out there, a sign maybe? A sign that I will wake up tomorrow and be out of this depressive roller-coaster ride I’m on. Therapy seems like the logical next step, but I know me. I know I’ll brush it off and say “I’m fine, I don’t need it” when deep down, maybe it could help me. Shit maybe that’s my answer, but again, I know myself better. I would rather everyone else around me be okay than myself. I’m no Mother Teresa, but I do try to make sure the people around me are okay. I’ve learned to put myself last, probably because of my mom, now she is the next Mother Teresa. She would give the shirt off her back just because that’s who she is. She could be in the desert and have one last sip of water and give it to someone else in need. She’s selfless that way. Gazing out the window again but this time, my eyes are swelled up with tears thinking about my mother. She deserves the world. I remember when I was little, not so little but maybe like ten years old or so, we went to the mall and there was this beautiful store with fancy shimmery figurines. I wanted to buy something for my mom so badly, I started to tear up and I was overcome with emotion, because my mom deserved something so exquisite and fancy, but I couldn’t give it to her. She deserves the world. I want to make certain no one interoperates this part incorrectly; I don’t blame my mom for anything, hell her selflessness is one of my favorite qualities about her. My purpose of adding my mom into this part of my story is to showcase where I learned how to be selfless. Again, I'm not on her level of super selfless, but I do try. Okay back to depression, I know I almost forgot too! Depression is like a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute you’re feeling normal and the next you’re on the verge of crying yourself to sleep. This next part talks about attempting suicide, terribly and perhaps comically, but attempting suicide, nevertheless. Three times I’ve attempted to unalive myself. The first time was with pain medication, nothing major just the classic over the counter generic version of Tylenol. I took about nine pills, it did absolutely nothing to me. The next time, there’s no safe way to say “I tried to slit my wrists” so there it is. Because I wasn’t absolutely certain I wanted to die, I didn’t use a knife; I used a staple strip and grazed it repeatedly on my wrists until I saw blood. I basically gave myself the equivalent of a paper cut on my wrist. Again, it did nothing to me, except I had to wear thick bracelets until they healed. The third and last time I tried to unlive myself was by drowning. Again, because I wasn’t absolutely certain I wanted to leave this world; I did this in the bathtub. I basically held my breath until I couldn’t hold it anymore, I tried to hold myself down, but popped right back up like a ball in water. Nothing happened to me except I learned I could only hold my breath for about 45 seconds without needing to come up for air. Which is kind of shitty when you consider yourself a good swimmer and all you can do is hold your breath for a measly 45 seconds.

Gazing out the window again, it’s now getting dark now, but I feel a sense of relief in this moment. Typing my thoughts into words that I now can edit and reread is therapeutic for me. Depression will always be a part of me, but it’s up to me how I respond to it. Depression made me do stupid and idiotic things when I was a tween/teenager. From cutting myself, to my three attempts, I’m so glad I’m still here.

I wouldn’t have my daughter, who I love with every single fiber of my being. I wouldn’t be married to the man I have loved since I was thirteen years old. I wouldn’t have my mom who literally gave me life and made so many sacrifices that I have just begun to understand. I wouldn’t have seen my mom find her soulmate in my stepdad or have been able to call him my dad. I would have missed my grandma, who opened her home to me so I could go to a better school or had gone on our first trip to Aruba together. I would have missed my uncle being so proud of me for graduating from the same high school he went to and him finding his love who was up the street from him. I would have missed my cousin turning twenty-one years old and having our first drinks together as a family and then her graduating from her associate degree. I would have missed my youngest cousin turning eighteen years old and graduating high school. I would have missed my aunt’s beautiful wedding and marrying the “best damn uncle” who treats her like the queen she is. I would have missed my step-dads parents and family become my family. I would have missed all of this.

Decisions, especially feelings of sadness, depression, or worthlessness; should never be made on these temporary emotions. Give yourself permission to feel those emotions, but don’t stay there. Give yourself permission to experiment with how to cope with your emotions. If therapy isn’t for you try to; Sing, dance, exercise, read, write, call or message friends or family; Anything that keeps you here. Remember depression is a temporary state of mind and the rollercoaster will stop soon, so throw your arms up and enjoy the ride. xo Amanda

Call or text 9-8-8 the mental health hotline

#depression #988hotline #mentalheathawareness

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