#9 for 9 and i had to wrestle my laptop into submission to upload this

[the-wlw-cafe]

Supercorptober - Day 9: Luthor

Read it on ao3 here!

Kara truly didn’t mind the secrecy and sneaking around. She didn’t mind the way Lena would wrench her hand away from hers the second they left the office, she didn’t mind receiving at least one discrete you’re staring text, she didn’t mind not being able to call Lena her girlfriend in public. It was a facet of their relationship they’d discussed before they’d even kissed for the first time, and it was fine. Lena wasn’t out, had no intentions of coming out soon, and so what if they only kissed behind closed doors? Kara was fine.

It meant a lot of candlelit dinners at their respective home, eating pizza with a knife and fork as if they were attending the most expensive upscale restaurant with snooty waiters watching their every move, making comments like “delightfully airy” and “an acquired taste” about the complimentary soft drinks they got for being regulars at their delivery service of choice. They had movie dates and went to galas together as each other’s platonic date, making sure to return to their respective homes separately. And it was fine. Just dandy.

Until it wasn’t.

Because despite all the hoops they had to jump through, she still knew that Lena loved her, cherished her, just and much as Kara did. At least, she had known. She’d been so sure. But there she was, on one knee on the windy balcony, staring up at Lena with mounting anxiety as she just blinked back, silent as a grave.

(“You don’t have to wear the ring or anything. You can just keep it in your pocket, or even at home, and think of me whenever you see it”, she’d said. As if that would change Lena’s mind.)

Lena remained still, unmoved, as agonizing seconds dragged on and on and on and Kara could feel her heart shatter in her chest. Seconds passed and she was frozen to the spot, unwilling to give up just yet, because there had to be an explanation, an explanation other than you love her more than she loves you. But there came none. Lena stumbled backwards, one step, two, and every movement away from her made Kara recoil as if Lena had physically struck her. Then, finally, Lena opened her mouth:

“Kara...you can’t.”

Kara swallowed thickly. “I see. I’m...I’m sorry that I’ve put you on the spot, I’ll just see myself out, then.”

She couldn’t stand to be here one second longer, because she was sure she’d break out into tears if she had to look at her girlfriend (ex-girlfriend?), so she leapt off the balcony and took to the skies, onlookers be damned. The wind was ringing too loudly in her ears for her to hear Lena calling after her.

Some stupid, naive part of her brain kept clinging onto hope. What they had had felt real, it had felt substantial, and far to large to end in a few short moments. It was to banal for a love as big as theirs. As big as hers.

Kara never deluded herself into thinking it would last forever. She was Supergirl, risking her life on a daily basis, and Lena was human, not immune to her family’s assassins nor to age. But she’d always been selfish enough to think that their end would be bombastic, or at least meaningful in some way, a moving final goodbye as they promised they’d see each other again. She never thought they’d split in deafening, choking silence. But then again, Alex always made fun of her for watching too many romance movies.

She’d landed on her sister’s fire escape without knowing that her muscles had taken her there. She saw Alex, mid laugh about something her girlfriend had said (oh yes, it’s date night, she realised with a distant stab of guilt) turned towards the window and the grin dripped off her face like icy water.

“Kara!” she heard her exclaim, the sound somewhat dull through the thick glass, as she crossed her room quickly to let her in.

“Shit, Kara, what happened?” she asked, as she and Kelly moved her to the couch while her whole body shook with the effort to contain her sobs.

“Lena”, she hiccuped weakly, as if that would explain everything. In a way, it did.

“Is she hurt?” Alex asked, her voice steely and business-like, already slipping from Big Sister Alex into Agent Danvers. Kara shook her head choppily, almost in a panicked manner. She didn’t need Agent Danvers to take control of the situation, she needed to be comforted by her sister.

“Did you have a fight?” Kelly asked softly, brushing some of the wind-swept hair from Kara’s face. She hit the nail on the head of course. Kara blinked against the tears that welled up in her eyes, and tried to swallow the lump in her throat down, but she was fighting a losing battle on both fronts. Soon tears were rolling down her cheeks and her breaths were punctuated with deep sobs. At least it seemed to shake Alex out of her agent mode, as she immediately sensed that her little sister wanted nothing but to be held. It almost felt like she was thirteen again, witnessing her first thunderstorm, hands pressed over her ears and sobbing against the fear and the loss and the grief the loud thunderclaps provoked in her, with nothing but her sister to keep her tethered to reality. She burrowed into Alex’s arms as if it was her only hiding place from reality, and cried until she was certain she had no more tears left.

“I think it’s over”, she croaked, and her voice had never sounded as small.

“Oh, sweetheart”, Kelly sighed, laying a comforting hand on her back. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“She doesn’t love me anymore”, Kara said, before she added: “Actually, I don’t know if she ever did, at least to the extent I loved her.”

“No, that’s bullshit!” Alex exclaimed, cringing when she noticed how much she’d raised her voice. “That can’t be true, I’ve seen the way she looks at you, the way she always smiles when you enter the room like you light up her whole life…”

“Alex!” Kara interrupted. Once upon a time she’d thought she’d noticed it too. The way Lena tilted her head to the side almost imperceptibly whenever they saw each other, subconsciously getting ready for a kiss on the cheek, had filled Kara with no small amount of pride when she’d first become aware of it. And to think that all this time it had been an elaborate charade, maybe out of a misplaced sense of duty, of owing it to Kara...the thought made her physically sick. Had she done something that had made Lena afraid of breaking up with her?

“I proposed to her”, Kara said, defeated.

“She didn’t say no, did she? She wouldn’t-” Alex began, before Kara interrupted again.

“She said nothing! She just stared at me, shocked!”

“Well”, Kelly began, carefully, as if she wasn’t quite sure how to phrase her next thought.

“Shock isn’t always a bad thing, just as a surprise can be good or bad.”

“You didn’t see her!”

Kara hadn’t meant to lash out, but Kelly didn’t even flinch.

“I’m just saying that both of you have some significant baggage going into relationships, and both of you could really benefit from some good and open communication. It can’t really get any worse than it is now, right?”

Kelly was right, and Kara knew it, but she didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t have the strength to go back again, to get her heart broken all over again when Lena told her that no, it really was over, there was nothing left to be said. Would she have her driver drop off Kara’s belongings at her apartment, or would Kara have to collect it herself, in an icy silence, while Lena looked on without having to disguise her distaste for her anymore, not having to mask all the ways she must hate -

“Hey Kara, your phone’s blowing up.”

Her sister’s voice dragged her out of her mounting anxiety attack. She was right – the device was vibrating every five seconds in her pocket. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Kelly and Alex exchange a look – it really was no mystery who was texting her.

“Do you want to get that?”

Kara shook her head. She didn’t want to see, she didn’t want to know what Lena really thought of her.

“Hey”, Kelly said, cupping her face and gently forcing Kara to meet her eyes.

“If your proposal really, truly upset her, do you think she would try so hard to get a hold of you?”

“I…”, Kara swallowed. Kelly’s words made so much sense, and it was infuriating in a way. Kara would rather eat Alex’ entire stock of ice cream, and make her do a 7pm run to the gas station to get her some more, and cry on her couch until the sun would come up in the morning.

But she knew that Kelly was right, and if there was any part of her relationship with Lena that was salvageable, she had to make an effort. It was worth it. Their love was worth it. She closed her eyes, took one last breath and switched on her display.

Kara I’m so sorry

fuck, what have I done

I screwed up

I understand if you don’t want to talk to me again, and I promise I will honour that decision, but please, let me explain. I won’t make excuses for my behaviour but I need you to know this is not what I wanted to happen

I’m so so sorry

Kara looked up at Kelly and Alex, who were trying their best to contain their curiosity in order to keep their  impartial veneer. Kara gave them a tentative smile.

I’m coming over.

It was clear from Lena’s puffy, red-rimmed eyes that she’d been crying as well. When she saw Kara, she made a motion as if to reach out to her, only to retract her hands at the last second, thinking better of it.

“Kara…”, she started, haltingly, “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am.”

“You’ve already said that”, Kara replied. The pain of her previous breakdown was still fresh in her mind and she wasn’t in the mood for having her chain yanked around.

“I know. It’s just…”

Lena sighed. “This is how it’s always been. How every relationship has turned out. I set the boundaries and I watch as they either betray me or lose interest. Everyone except you.”

Kara stayed silent, waiting for her to continue.

“I’m a Luthor, Kara, I drag people down with me. I thought if I just drove you away like all the others before I got too attached, if I just kept that last bit of control, it wouldn’t hurt as bad.”

She laughed, mirthlessly.

“I thought wrong, obviously. Because you’re so wonderful, and loyal, and far too good to me, and you stayed. And after all I did, after the expectations I put on you, you still wanted to marry me, and I couldn’t watch you give yourself up like that.”

“So you denied me the choice?”, Kara cried. “Because I chose you, I chose you every single day because I love you-”

“I love you too. I tried to deny it, I tried to hide it from myself but I can’t anymore, I love you and oh God, I don’t want to lose you”, Lena sobbed, borderline incoherent.

“I don’t want to lose you either”, Kara answered, her voice and face softening. Lena’s head whipped up, her mouth forming an astounded o. She reached out again, truly this time, but Kara caught her hand before it could touch her cheek, gently placing it back at Lena’s side. It would be so easy to give in. Kara wanted nothing more than to kiss Lena again, to hold her and pretend that nothing was wrong. But she knew something was wrong, deeply so, and ignoring it would only make the issue fester.

“We need to talk about this”, Kara said, finality heavy in her voice.

Lena nodded, avoiding her eyes, sniffling.

“Tomorrow”, Kara decided. “We’re both upset. We need to have a clear head if we want to find out how to move past this.”

“I know”, Lena replied simply, and Kara couldn’t help herself. She lifted Lena’s chin with a single finger and gave her a reassuring smile.

“Goodnight, Lena. We’ll see each other again tomorrow. I won’t go anywhere.”

“I believe you”, Lena said, and while her voice was hoarse from crying, the determination rang true. There’d still be a them tomorrow.