#7:55 am and i guess this is my public therapy session

[vole-mon-amour]

Today is exactly 2 years since my mom died.

Since I missed the call at 2:29 am and 2:31 bc DND mode is always on at night and then they called my granny to tell her that her daughter is dead. I still don't get it why they had to call immediately bc since then my granny often wakes up at the 2:30 am and is unable to sleep past that.

2 years since I called my dad and told him, "Mom died." And he said, "Жалко." which can probably be translated to a mix of "That's a shame" and "That's really sad."

2 years since I thought, "when I'm free from Covid, I'll finally hug my dad."

2 years since my dad and my granny grabbed mom's belongings from the hospital and me, having to sort them for the funeral, absolutely broke down and couldn't stop. Me, who always hated her and often treated her unfair and she didn't deserve that, I know that now.

And then my dad died on June 13, and I was free from Covid exactly for his funeral. Never hugged him. Never been able to interact. Treated by his wife the entire time like I was evil and that I didn't care about him. Been lied to by her and her family. Treated like I've 'moved on' too fast. That piece of shit.

And I'm still so confused about what I'm feeling and how it's been, and I'm still having various nightmares about the entire ordeal.

Jesus, I hope one day June wouldn't be like this for me. It's not as bad as the first year, even though i spent the first year in a fog and now it feels like only one year passed when actually two did.

It's a weird fucking feeling. But even then, my granny can't make me visit my parents tombstones again unless it's for her own funeral. Idk if I'm in some kind of denial, but I don't need a reminder that their graves actually exist and that it's real. That place makes me feel like shit & one time was absolutely enough for me, thanks very much.

Anyway. Let's see what I can do today to relief this burden. 2 years is absolutely not enough to be healed from this. And while so many things happened & I couldn't imagine myself where I am right now, it's still so ????