#550Challenge

[sihtric]

It's All My Fault

Song: 7 Years by Lukas Graham

Word count: 412

Characters: Sam, Dean, and Reader

Warnings: Mentions of death, angst

Summary: You and Dean deal with Sam’s death and say goodbye for the last time.

Author’s note: This is for @percussiongirl2017’s challenge. I’m sorry that it’s short and late, but I haven’t been feeling well. Also tagging her other blog, @alwayskeepfightingmoose.

“Why did it have to be him?” Dean asked through gritted teeth. The two of you stood side by side, watching as flickering orange flames hungrily devoured Sam’s cloth-clad figure. While neither of you knew exactly how he’d died, it was clear that he wouldn’t be coming back this time.

“Sam died to protect us, Dean. At least give him that,” you mumbled quietly. In response, your older brother snorted.

“So, what, you think I should be glorifying Sam’s death? Is that what you think, Y/N? I’d never do that to him, or you for that matter.”

Silence swept over you both as the flames consumed Sam’s body completely. The fire finally died down, leaving no trace that a body had been on the burn pile at all. Dean motioned for you to follow him back to the Impala, and you climbed into the passenger seat, feeling the cold material beneath you.

The silence became unbearable as the car sat in its place, prompting your brother to turn on the radio. Memories came flooding back to you as you recognized the song that was playing. Dean was too caught up in the lyrics to turn the dial back to the classic rock station, listening to the gentle words as he allowed the tears to fall down his cheeks.

‘Once I was seven years old,

My mama told me,

Go make yourself some friends or you’ll be lonely,

Once I was seven years old’

“Sam,” the name fell from your lips as you cried, remembering when you had been seven. Now your twin brother was dead, and there was no way to get him back. You and Dean had both said your goodbyes for the final time.

As the song came to an end, you stole a glance at Dean to see that he was deep in thought. You  rested a warm, comforting hand on his arm. “What are you thinking about, Dean?” You dared to ask.

“Just that my baby brother never got to live his life the way he wanted to, and I’m so sorry, because I have to live the rest of mine knowing that it’s all because of me. It’s all my fault he never got to do what he wanted, go places, have a beautiful wife and children like he always dreamed…it’s all my fault,” Dean cried, but you couldn’t think of anything to say to comfort him.

How could Dean truly believe his own words?

[wrenwritesometimes]

If I Just Lay Here...

A/N: This is for @percussiongirl2017‘s 550(/580+) Follower Challenge!! SO PROUD OF YOU!! ♥️😘

I feel like an absolute jackass because I didn't even keep the right frame of mind to remember the fucking duedate... 😂🤣 I am SO sorry its late, love. 😬

I was feeling SO horrible at the time I wrote this; my unresolved feelings about Cas were poured (and maybe even over-dramatized) into this installment of my angst-driven 3am writings. So there will be... a lot of tears. And I guess spoilers?? 

So I feel it only appropriate to place the “Keep Reading” ABOVE the gif... 

Warnings: Needless to say, spoilers. Flashbacks. Horrible. Finale Content. Sad. I made myself sad writing it. 

Note on Flashbacks: I have very specifically italicized words... if you spot any normal text amongst the italics, assume both you and I aren't crazy. ;)

The soil and grass were damp and gross beneath my knees as the devastated roar of an unintelligible word ripped from my throat.

I didn't register anything else. I couldn't see anything. Anything but him.

I scrambled; my knees taking the brunt and my palms muddy and swollen.

Mary leapt over me. I didn't care all that much; I could only see him.

I couldn't hear myself. I couldn't see anything, anything besides him. I could feel my throat becoming dry and raw. But what did that matter?

I finally made it to him, I finally gripped onto his coat. He would groan and look to me. He would move. He would breathe. He would. H-he would. He would.

Wouldn't he?

I ripped my hands from him quickly, as if he had burned my skin. I fell back on my haunches and straight onto my ass. I stared over my knees. He wasn't moving. He wasn't breathing.

I was hyperventilating. My vision was swimming as I felt my chest heaving. My head was pounding.

Pounding. Pounding. Pound. Thwack! Thwack! “MOM!” ZzzZZAP

Silence.

Other than me and my sobs.

I could hear them suddenly. I didn't recognize my own voice. My throat was raw, therefore my voice was ragged and cracking. I tried to close my mouth to regain control of my breathing… It didn't work. It didn't work, it didn't work at all, all it managed to do was make me sound like I was choking and gagging.

I laid back, I laid back on my back and sobbed out.

I felt footsteps, so I shot up to a sitting position maneuvering my legs to be beneath me... …I don't really know how I did it, but I was upright and staring down at him again.

I was restless; I felt like I might throw up. I immediately laid down beside him, entangling my fingers in his coat. My head was not on his body, but tucked against his shoulder, my face pressed into his bicep as I gripped his sleeve tightly. Dean was on his knees on the other side. Staring at the sky in a silent state of shock, compared to my noisy one.

I sobbed. I sobbed. Furious sobs. I must have sounded like a child being actively slaughtered…

I… I kept remembering. It kept replaying in my head. It was burned in my memory; the moment his eyes met mine, the instant of confusion, relief, then remorse… the tip of his own blade... appearing through him…   His eyes widening in agony as the very light of his grace shone from its prison; dying in his vessel.

I sobbed. I sat up in agony; my abdomen cramping so severely that it tore another shout from my lips. I hunched, barely a foot away from him, holding my stomach and rocking back and forth, trying desperately to stop.

I felt arms, and I panicked; was he okay?? But it was just Dean. It was just Dean. Dean was silent, he was stable and steady; facing his grief in the way he knew how.

But me? I was phenomenally heartbroken and I couldn't stop myself. I physically felt like I was going to throw up.

…

I scrambled, ripping myself from Dean’s grip and dry-heaved in the grass. Dean held my hair back. His hand was on my back as I heaved. He was shushing me, comforting me with small words, his voice ragged and cracking.

I collapsed an inch and panted, trying to regain control of my stupid ass. But I sobbed again, softer though.

“De-he-HUH-ean…” I tried to speak, but my body was still convulsing. I couldn't speak. But I needed to.

“Ple-HUH-ease,” I gasped and gulped. I hyperventilated three breaths. “Lee-HUH-eeav-HUUHH-ve m-me...”

I didn't have to say anything else. Dean stood from me, and looked over Castiel. I watched him as I calmed my breathing the best I could.

His eyes became glossy and his brows furrowed in anger. Slapping a hand to his face, he violently wiped the tears from his face and clenched his jaw. He marched away. I didn't want him to leave  altogether...

I sounded like a child having a temper tantrum; the breathy sobs and the moans. I sat up the best I could.   I tried holding my breath, but I wound up gasping and hyperventilating still.

I roared, “Shhhut up!” and ran my sleeve over my face.

I finally could breathe, I could feel the cool, crisp air fill my lungs. It was still shaky. But I could speak.

“Cas…” I begged, barely above a whisper. My voice cracked. “Cas…”

I crawled over to him slowly and… I couldn't bring myself to touch him. It felt like a magnet was repelling my hand from going an inch closer to his body.

My eyes shot to the scorched wings upon the ground... Tears flooded my vision once more, and I squoze my eyes shut; my hand finally making contact with his body.

I stilled and took a deep breath in and a staggering breath out. His eyes were closed.

With a trembling hand, I ran my fingers over his eyelids anyway. I stifled a sob with my other hand.

Grabbing his lapel, I tucked myself against him… like we would before I went to sleep. Only difference was… I couldn't hear his heart. Or feel his breathing. Or play with his fingers as they rested on my shoulder.

I teared up again, but I was through with my sobbing. At least for now.

My lip trembled as the tears fell from my eyes and stained his coat.

My brain was racing a mile a minute, and I randomly settled on a now painful memory…

“We'll do it all… Ev-ery-thing… On our own…” you sang along to your radio. “We don't need… An-y-thing… Or anyone…”

“You don't?”

You jumped, your hand reflexively flying to your heart as you spun around. “Jesus, Cas!”

He squinted and tilted his head, the usual way he did… but he had the smallest smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he looked between you and the car. “Oh,” he said, clearly amused at himself. “You were singing along to the radio.”

You stared at him, mortified.

“I didn't know you sang quite so beautifully, Y/N.”

You flushed, embarrassed and silently scrambled to get to your radio in the car to turn it off.

“Wait, Y/N,” he interrupted you. “I like it.”

You glared, still embarrassed, watching as Castiel looked up to the sky.

You huffed, just watching his reaction to the stars. You never sang. No one knew you could.

But now Castiel did, the beautiful bastard...

He looked to you again, his face as blank as usual, but something shimmered in his gaze.

“C’mere,” you mumbled begrudgingly, patting the hood of your truck.  

He tentatively sat beside you and his blue eyes bored into the side of your head.

You took his hand in your own and tenderly rested your head against his shoulder.

Cas was still a moment before he brought an arm around your shoulders and held you to him. You readjusted your head placement, resting your head against the side of his neck.

You couldn't help but inhale his smell, closing your eyes momentarily.

“I don't quite know… How to say… How I feel,” you sang softly. “Those three words... Are said too much… They're not enough…” You had begun singing softer, embarrassed by the words you couldn't help but relate to.

The man, the angel, beside you… you loved him. After years of friendship, you realized you loved him.

“If I lay here… If I just lay here… Would you lie with me, and just forget the world...”

You separated yourself from him and looked to his eyes. He had already been looking at you.

“Forget what we're told… Before we get too old… Show me a garden, that's bursting into life…”

Castiel’s head perked and he straightened himself slightly. With a flutter of his wings, he was holding you steady as you physically came to terms with the fact that Castiel had flown you to an actual garden.

It was a beautiful botanical garden, in Rome… you could see easily identifiable architecture.

“Let's waste time,” you sang, laughing at Cas’s stupid little ass… You brought your hands up to frame Cas’s face after placing his hands upon your waist. You started swaying. “...Chasing cars… Around our heads…”

Cas’s face was passive and serious, his gaze meaningful as he watched you sing. You looked down, bashful again.

“I need your... grace… To remind… me… To find my own…” you looked to his eyes again. “All that I am, all that I ever was… Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see.”

His lips opened slightly, his tongue poised for him to speak, but you pressed a small kiss to the corner of his mouth to stop him. “I don't know where… Confused about how as well… Just know that these things will never change for us at all.”

You stopped swaying, and Cas did as well, his eyes soft.

“If I lay here…”

“If I just lay here…”

“Would you lie with me?”

“And just forget the world?”

“You know that I always will, Y/N.”