#5. i wld've slept for longer if i didn't force myself to get up n i think the milk tea helped wake me a bit
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dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭
#🌙.vents#i don't remember sleeping this long i think i woke up 12 then 2 then#5. i wld've slept for longer if i didn't force myself to get up n i think the milk tea helped wake me a bit#i'm so..#the burden of my regrets r so suffocating. there are times i can't see anything else when i'm drowning in them.#if such trivial failures affect me this much then how tf will i survive in this cruel world?#i know i'll always find my way but i wonder the lengths of what i sacrifice. of what i deny and destroy within myself#& of how it'll affect me in the unforeseeable future. of what more loss and pain it'll bring in this world#compared to before i don't often put up a mask anymore. even if it's painful i choose to be authentic. i've improved in that sense#but it's not enough. perhaps i'm simply too harsh on myself; forgetting i am human and that i falter too. i'm not perfect n i shouldn't be.#even with my shortcomings there r ppl that stay. that say thank you. and. yeah. yeah.. that should be proof enough of real reciprocation#but.#i don't know am i really just so afraid of being forgotten? left behind? thinking of it n i used to write of that fear often back then#opening up to 'friends'. being told i was loved. that i would always have my place here#this is pathetic i grew up relying too much on success for my worth. i know i'm so much more but#i placed this on myself. this is the ocean i chose to drown myself in. so when i falter in the only thing i grew up being good that#bcs it hurts yk i used to draw. i painted a lot as a kid but what happened to that passion?#i used to write. a lot. but these past few years.. i don't know what's wrong with me. why it's so hard to do that again#piano. if i continued i would have.. i really had the potential to be. good. i mean i#i've never been a genius i've honestly always hated being called that. i know i've always been naturally smart but.#my hard-work carried me further. and i'm not.. smart enough or good enough to be a genius. never have been.#hollow compliments. before hs it was like everyone really just knew me for my brain. nothing of the way i wrote or my passions. just smarts#so now i'm just a shadow; a ghost of who i used to be. in that aspect at least. but. now w my other strengths they've been faltering too#i'm sorry i should've been better i should do more i know i can. but maybe i. i've always overestimated myself#i think when i was around 6-8 before grade school i can't really remember anymore but there was this competition i think#i would've gotten second if i didn't hesitate. if i didn't fucking hesitate. n i think that always stuck with me#bcs i was really quite the timid shy kid. even though i was older i wld be the one following apollo.. i'm sorry. they deserve more than me#bulbel is making me cry bye wtf
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