#3 YEARS. THREE YEARS IVE HAD THIS ART PROGRAM AND IVE BEEN LOST UNTIL NOW

[naughtynoodle056]

You'll never fucking believe what I finally figured out how to do in Clip Studio Paint y'all (feat. my main man Leo)

[rosesanthology]

And Yet... | Akaashi Keiji x F!Reader [musician!AU]

Violinist!Akaashi x Pianist!Reader (yes i saw that one Viria fanart)

Ive been feeling extremely bad these days but im managing to write some things for my emotional support hq boys (Akaashi and Kenma) so here u go even tho its probably a lil shitty 👁3👁 its all about them la la land type of vibes

Warning : i didn't proofread this, also it's VERY self indulgent

Songs : • city of stars from La La Land (but Dodie and Jon Cozart's cover)

• any of the songs in the fic but especially Bach's violin sonata in presto IT SLAPS

[Tags] : @raevaioli

- You've always admired the way human life entertwines itself with art. The vicissitudes of a fleating existence finding a way to express themselves in external stimulations, the way someone could pour as much of their soul, as much as themselves in just one moment, one performance, one artwork.

- it is the main reason why you decided to become a pianist. The second one being that you could hardly put as much effort on anything else

- your mother would argue that it is but a mere childhood dream to do something as uncertain, sure.

- and yet, the first time your performed in front of an actual audience, even if it was just at your high school's theatre auditorium, still felt like the best

- you had registered in the student showcase program without your mother knowing, wearing not the dark blue dress you dreamed of but a hoodie, some jeans and sneakers

- in the moment it seemed fine even if you did look way underdressed than the other kids who registered for piano too

- but it all seemed to tie together with your whole personna as you sat on the stool making sure to put your tiny moomin plushie on top of the grand piano

- he helped a lot

- at that time you played Tanjirou no Uta because well....there's only so much you can expect from a high schooler who lacks confidence in their skills

- regardless of the song your fingers danced onto the heavy keys, the sound swirling with your own emotions as you tried to concentrate on the one thing you wanted the most,

- "Somebody, look at me."

- because there is such a big difference between only being seen by people and actually being looked, observed, analysed

- at the time you wanted someone to look at you and wonder if what they were feeling listening to your piece was flooding their brain the same way it flooded yours

- if the lingering sound of pressed keys made their heart and time stop in the same way it did yours so well whenever you played

- it mattered. In that moment, only that mattered, but sooner or later it had to end

- until then, the only person who was able to exactly tell the things you wanted to convey was your childhood best friend Akaashi Keiji

- he was of wealthier upbringing, his parents always so uptight and pressuring him into their perfect mold in which he seemed to fit so oddly well

- and yet, he always found time to be there for you and help you in your struggles, he was far more musically inclined than you because of his background but his eyes never lost their gentle glint as you would mess up the keys to a piece

- he'd always take his time to let you know how much he liked hearing you play even if you insisted that you weren't as good as him, his smile never wavered as he rested his chin on his palms and closed his eyes, listening to your fifth poor attempt at playing Clara Schumann's sonata in G minor

- that was your typical sunday afternoon in his living room, playing the day away intoxicated in the calmness of his scent of flowers and warm cotton

- when you finished, people didn't seem to mind the choice of the song nor the stuffed toy that added to your whole appearance, if anything you only heard encouragements, advices and heartfelt returns

- among them was Akaashi of course, ever so gentle but marking in his praise, making you feel like maybe you were worth standing on that stage

- it wasn't much compared to what the middle school kids who played Mozart got but, it gave you enough of a push to have the strength to call yourself a pianist today

- nothing really changed in your little world, you still had your moomin plush sitting on the piano everytime you performed and the same simple attitude, now you just knew your classics and could play something else than anime music even if you did manage to fit a little song once in a while

- what changed tho is that you and Akaashi had grown appart after he had left

- his parents had suddenly decided to register him in some fancy music college in Paris

- away from you

- at the time, you knew that no amount of tears and words could possibly matter in the final decision

- but it's not like you could ever control yourself when he held you in his arms like he did when he broke the news to you

- you were never that gracious at goodbyes

- but if it meant that he could get the life he deserved than you were willing to make that sacrifice, even if he wouldn't have the time to talk to you as much as before

- in the meantime you would continue to grow as a person and as an artist if not for you then for him

- and that's what you've been doing for the past four years

- and it is exactly what brought you to accept the offer to perform at another musician showcase tonight

- it was fancier than a high school show that's for sure. It was held in one of these candle lit restaurants, but not the impersonal ones where the tables are five meters away from each other

- it was one of these places where everybody seemed to know each other and relish in the warmth of sharing the same pleasant time while listening to live concerts

- after your own performance you sat back down with the other musicians, talking a bit with the pretty cellist Kiyoko Shimizu, who finished her own before yours

- when the lights dimmed and the next musician stepped on the stage your heart almost stopped

- there stood your dearly missed friend in flesh and bones, violin and bow in hand, or at least you thought so

- he started playing and you watched from the side, amazed, your heart achung with the resonance of the instrument as he gently swayed to such a hard piece as Bach's sonata No. 1 in presto

- the ground and the rest of the room seemed to dismantle around you as all you could think about was the man playing music off of your very heart strings, the man who you've known for a long time and who had been such a huge inspiration and motivation in your existence

- the man who always was so sensible and observant despite coming off as stoic to most people, the same one who was always gentle and motivating all the whilst excelling in what he did himself

- this was Akaashi Keiji.

- and right now he was playing such a fast piece with an unspoken surprising sadness to it as if he'd disappear into ashes the second he stopped, the second he relaxed

- but it eventually had to come to an end, the sound of the strings tearing you appart to reveal the most vulnerable parts of yourself to him like it always did on sunday afternoon practice

- the realization came crashing into you as he bowed to the audience and locked eyes with you, sending you a small smile before disappearing backstage

- naturally, you went after him your breath hitching and your whole being coming to a halt three meters away from him

- you had been way farther away from each other and yet, these three meters felt the worst

- he turned to you, and as casually as if he never left opened his arms for you to run into and that's just what you did

- his own heart was pounding as he caressed your hair, whispering phrases like "it's okay" or "im here now" as you sobbed into his chest

- he still smelled of wild flowers and cotton.

- "let's go catch up outside Y/N?" He said just for you to hear

- he brought you two outside on a bench overlooking the city and its lights but you couldn't help but keep your eyes on him by fear that he'd disappear again

- "w-why are you here ?" you stammered without thinking

- "why you don't want me here ?"

- "Yes- Well no- i mean yes i want you here and-"

- his laugh resonated even more than his violin if that was possible and you didn't have to wait long to feel your face heat up

- "first thing you do is laugh at me...." you said, playing with his fingers on your lap, a thing you did back then whenever he was nervous and started fiddling with his hands, even tho you were the nervous one now

- he sighed, the previous sadness from his playing as if blown away by that tiny impatient breath of air

- "i came back on my own. I missed you Y/N", he smiled again,

- "i missed you too...but what happened to your studies ? You always said you lived for music ?" you incquired, squeezing his hand maybe a little too hard in aprehention

- "i did...i did but i realized many things abroad"

- "like what ?"

- "im a little disappointed Y/N you used to be so good at guessing what i wanted to convey with my music" he said raising an eyebrow at you and laughing once more when seeing the confused look on your face

- "i may have said i lived for music yes and yet...i always knew that i live for you."

[littleshebear]

Memories (Someone We’ll Never Meet) pt.3

An accident, a meeting and a decision.

Destiny | The Reef | The Awoken | Zavala | Rahool | Ives | Tyra Karn | Various OCs | Impending Heartbreak | Gratuitous politics, poetry and philosophy

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11388942/chapters/25503108

Sofia is ten years old and they are having a history lesson in school. Earlier in the morning, Papa had asked Sofia what she thought history is.

“It��s what happened in the past.”

“”No,” he replied in that serious way of his. “It’s the study of what people said happened in the past. Never forget that.”

They are studying Book One of the Maraid in class. It describes how the Awoken came to be, how the Reef was formed. Sofia thinks this is a strange place to start. She is fairly certain that History goes back a lot further than that, is has to. Papa’s poems are hundreds of years old, he said so. She decides not to say anything in class, mindful of her family’s private set of Rules. She will ask her parents about it later.

Sofia sits, elbows on her desk, chin in her hands. She’s pretending to listen to Ms. Sadler explain how Queen Mara saved them all from certain doom but instead, she is daydreaming about one of Papa’s poems, the one about the daffodils. It is a funny word. Daff-o-dil. Far too silly-sounding for such a pretty thing. At least, she imagines they are pretty. Ms. Sadler is droning on, something about Starlight and Darkness, while Sofia is fixated upon images of yellow flowers, blue skies and a carpet of green as far as the eye can see. Once she has the image fixed in her mind, she is loathe to let it go. It is so hard to properly visualise anything that is not in shades of blue, black or Royal Purple.

“Sofia?” Ms. Sadler’s voice cuts through Sofia’s reverie.

“Yes?”

What did I just say?”

Sofia has no idea. She was far too busy wandering in her head, lonely as a cloud.

“Uh,” she hazards a reasonable guess. “It was about Queen Mara?”

“No. If you’d been paying attention-”

Ms. Sadler is interrupted by a sudden rumble that seemingly reverberates throughout the whole station. Sofia grabs the edges of her desk to steady herself, expecting a shockwave to rock the little classroom. She feels vibration through her feet but nothing more.

“Stay in your seats.” Ms. Sadler heads towards a console behind her desk. She calls for silence as a ripple of chatter breaks out among the children. She frowns at a read out before announcing that class is dismissed and everyone is to return to their quarters and stay there until further notice. “Come along,” she says with forced brightness. “Quickly now, but no running. Two by two.”

The class pair off and file out in not quite as orderly a fashion as their teacher would have liked. Cries of “What’s going on?” and “Are we evacuating?” echo down the corridor.

“No one is evacuating, just…” She hesitates, as though she were unsure that she can project enough of an aura of calm. “There will be an announcement in due course.”

Sofia knows it is foolish to expect a straight answer from one of Them. She opts to get information from a source who is not programmed to lie. She spots a Frame standing at the end of the corridor. She breaks away from her classmates and and marches up to it.

“Frame? What caused the noise at fourteen-twenty hours?”

The robot swivels its head to face her. “Explosive decompression in Hangar Six.��

Sofia pales and just stares for a second or two. Mama and Papa are stationed in Hangar Six.

“Are my parents okay?” She quavers.

“Casualties reported. Identities unknown,” it replies in its maddeningly calm voice.

“Are my parents okay?” Sofia raises her voice. She knows she’s breaking the Rules here but she’s past caring. “My mother is flight engineer -”

Someone grabs her wrist before she can scream her parents’ names and ranks in this useless Frame’s stupid, oblong face.

“Sofie…” Marcus is pulling her back into line. “You’re not supposed to do that. Come on.” His lips are set in a thin line and he is frowning deeply. Sofia cannot believe he cares about the Rules at a time like this. She is ready to punch him again (and she would know how this time. Papa taught her). She is about to yell at him to let go when she notices that his mouth is curving distinctly downwards and his chin is wobbling.

“What’s wrong?”

“My dad’s in Hangar Six too.” There is a hitch in his breathing and his voice is strained.

Sofia puts aside her animosity and slips her hand into his. She can forgiving. “It’ll be okay.” She can be brave. “They do drills for this sort of thing.”

Marcus nods but his brows remain stubbornly knotted together . Sofia is not sure she believes it either but she feels strongly that someone should say it.

When Sofia arrives at her pod she gives Marcus’ hand a firm squeeze while saying, “It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.”

Marcus nods and repeats the mantra. “It’ll be okay.” If they say if often enough, it will become true. He lets go of Sofia’s hand with some degree of reluctance and heads towards his own pod.

Sofia shuts the door and takes a seat at the table. Then she moves to the couch, perching on the edge. Then back to the table. She finally decamps to her bedroom. She grabs a stuffed rabbit toy off the shelf and curls into a foetal position on her little cot. She has told herself for the longest time that she is getting too old for the toy (what even is a rabbit, anyway?) but today, she clutches it to her as though her life depends on it. She stares across the expanse of the pod at the front door, waiting for some sign of movement. For all her grousing about how cramped the pod is, the thought of Mama and Papa never coming home again makes the place seem cavernous.

She glances at her chronometer periodically, each time expecting at least an hour to have gone by, only to see that the time has only advanced by a matter of minutes. She curls her fingers into her toy rabbit until her knuckles turn white, and her muscles start to ache from lying rigid and unmoving. After a seeming eternity, she hears the door seal pop and she springs back into a sitting position. She does not realise she has been holding her breath until the door finally opens and Mama walks through. Sofia exhales sharply before covering her mouth with her hand, stifling a sob. She does not remember running across the pod to meet her mother. One moment she is sitting on her bed, the next she is flinging her arms around Mama’s waist and sobbing into her coveralls.

Mama crouches down and to Sofia’s level and hugs her back just as fiercely. “Did someone tell you what happened?”

“I asked a Frame,” she whimpers in response. “Papa?” She asks, fearful of the answer.

“He’s out on patrol, he wasn’t there. He’s fine.” Mama insists she’s fine too but she is trembling, her hands are ice cold and she refuses every attempt Sofia makes to Link with her.

~*~

They pile into a cramped room in one of 10 Hygiea’s libraries. Sofia stares in wonder around the walls. They are covered in shelves which are packed with books, hard drives and engrams. She is dying to rifle through them but she is under strict instructions not to touch anything. Sofia turns her attention to the other people assembled. There are all sorts; Engineers like Mama, pilots like Papa, maintenance workers, archivists and even three Cryptarchs. Sofia stifles a giggle. Their bright yellow robes make them look like three intellectual daffodils.

Mama had not been sure if Sofia should have come to this meeting but Papa was adamant. “She’s old enough to understand. She deserves a say.”

Sofia can hear voices engaged in a spirited back and forth discussion but she finds it hard to follow the conversation with the crush of bodies obscuring her view of who is speaking. Papa eventually notices her standing on her tiptoes and craning her neck so he lifts her onto a library ladder. He holds her around her waist to steady her.

“Don’t fall.” Papa whispers, smiling. “You mother would have my hide.” Sofia smiles back, wraps her arms around his neck and grips his shoulder. She turns her attention back to the meeting. Two of the Cryptarchs are arguing.

“We have everything we need here. I see no sense in taking off into the unknown. We have defences, food, water -”

“Our material needs yes but-”

“What is more important than that, Rahool?” Counters the first Cryptarch. “This is a matter of survival.”

“I have no desire to live in a city of pigs,” The one called Rahool snaps back.

“Pigs? What are you talking about?”

“Oh read a book, Ives.”

Sofia frowns in puzzlement but Papa is smiling softly. She leans in to whisper, “What is he talking about?”

“He means there’s more to life than survival. There’s leisure, art, beauty. They’re important too.”

“Oh. I get that.” She nods until something else occurs to her. “What’s a pig?”

Papa shushes her gently, “Later.”

Another voice pipes up. “But he’s right though. Earth is dangerous, the Fallen -”

“The Fallen are manageable.” Papa does not raise his voice but somehow manages to cut through the hub-bub. “Besides, we should be uniting with Earth, not leaving the people there to their fate.”

“Well that’s very brave, very noble and perhaps rather too easy for someone in your position to say. We’re not all soldiers here.”

“If arguing from morality won’t convince you, very well. How about pragmatism? Earth has resources we could use, we have resources Earth could use. I see no advantage to this division.”

“We’re Awoken, we are not human,” that Cryptarch called Ives chimes in. “You may not see the sense in it but the division is there, whether you want it or not. Assuming we returned to Earth, there’s no guarantee they’d accept us.”

“We’re more alike than we are different,” Rahool steps into the fray again.

“And humankind has a long history of being accepting of difference,” Ives replies, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Surely you of all people shouldn’t need a primer on that?”

“I like to think that we haven’t lost everything that the Golden Age gave us.” Rahool’s fists are clenched in front of him and his words are clipped.

“That’s just wishful thinking. You can hope Earth will be safe all you want but we know we’re safe here.”

“I lost eight members of my crew last week!” Mama isn’t yelling but she is not exactly calm either. Ives sits back in his chair a little, as though pushed back by the force of her words. “Two in the explosion, six got spaced. I was lucky I was hooked on, I’d have joined them if I hadn’t been. More than a dozen injured. Do not talk to me about safe.”

Sofia’s gaze drops to the floor. Marcus has not been in school since the accident. She thinks his father must have died. She did not much like him, from what she saw of him but she feels for Marcus. She hopes whatever happened to his father was quick. She does not want to think of the alternative. It’s too horrible.

Ives does not speak at first. He just looks at hands which are clasped in front of him. He will not look at Mama. Sofia does not blame him. When Mama and Papa stand shoulder to shoulder like this, she suspects the Darkness itself would think twice before taking them on. He eventually sighs and turns to Rahool.

“I can’t be a part of this, I’m sorry.” Ives’ voice is soft, like his words are directed only at Rahool. He stands and nods respectfully to the female Cryptarch. “Mistress Karn. I shall endeavour to keep the libraries in good order should you decide to leave.” He glances briefly at Rahool again before heading for the exit. Rahool goes to reach after him but this Mistress Karn shakes her head, lays a hand on his arm and gently lowers it back down. The room stays silent for a moment, as if everyone is unsure what to do now.

“What is our youngest attendee’s opinion?” The female Cryptarch fixes her gaze on Sofia. “After all, it is the young who will need to deal with the repercussions of what we decide here.”

Sofia freezes, acutely aware that dozens of pairs of eyes are suddenly trained on her. She glances at her parents for reassurance.

“Just say what you think, sweetheart.” Mama smiles encouragingly. “Don’t say what you think we want to hear. Be honest.”

“Uhm.” She coughs, then takes a deep breath. “The Fallen scare me. I think there could be lots of things about Earth that would scare me but…” She pauses to get her breath again. Her lungs seem too small all of a sudden. “The Reef is cramped. It’s dark. The water keeps getting turned off. And if anything goes wrong, people could die. At least on Earth, we wouldn’t have to worry about being sucked into space if we open the wrong door or flip the wrong switch. We wouldn’t run out of air if an engine broke down.” She takes another deep breath, feeling the words come more easily now. “And Earth has trees and rain and waterfalls and birds and clouds. And bowers. And daffodils. I want to see that. Don’t see why I shouldn’t get to just because I’m Awoken.”   

Mistress Karn steeples her fingers and smiles softly. “If you were told you could leave for Earth would you go?”

Sofia knows she should probably take a moment to think before responding but she knows her answer. She has known it for two years now. “Yes.”

“And what if you were told that if you left, you could never come back?”

Sofia nods emphatically. “Still yes.”

She senses both her parents on the periphery of her mind, waiting for permission to enter. She opens her thoughts to them and is suddenly deluged with Mama and Papa’s pride in her. She wobbles on her ladder perch a little, knocked off-balance by this happy onslaught. She rights herself and smiles sheepishly, the colour rising in her cheeks.

“This is all well and good, Tyra,” Rahool is speaking again but far less stridently now. It is like he has lost much of the fight in him since Ives walked out, “but this entire discussion may be moot. We’re assuming the Queen will just let us leave, and there’s no guarantee of that.”

“I’ll speak with the Queen, leave her to me.” Mistress’ Karn’s voice remains calm and measured. Sofia suspects that there is very little that could faze her.

“What if she says no?” asks a young corsair. He looks agitated, scowling and fidgeting with his gloves. “Do we just roll over and accept that?”

“I doubt it would come to that, it wouldn’t be politically expedient for her. I know Mara Sov. She is many things but she is not stupid. She knows there would be resistance and she knows that would be damaging for her. Far better for her to appear magnanimous.”

“Resistance is a mild word for it,” the young corsair growls and folds his arms.

Sofia broadcasts ripples of fear to her still-Linked parents. What does he mean? Is there going to be fighting?

No sweetheart, Mama replies silently. It won’t come to that. You heard Tyra Karn.

But what if it does?

Then Papa is in her head, calm and resolute. I’ll protect you, Starshine. I’ll always protect you, never doubt that.

~*~ Notes: If anyone is curious, the book Rahool is imploring Ives to read is Plato’s Republic. And I never expected to end up shipping those two but here we are.

[inkuisitivskins]

Tag

Tagged by @ice-ice-minami​

YOUR LAST

1) Drink: diet dr. pepper

2) Phone Call: my mom

3) Text Message: “its okay”

4) Song Listened To: dont remember

5) Time I Cried: like wednesday or something

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated Somebody Twice: no

7) Been Cheated On: no

8) Been Kissed By Someone And Regretted It: no lol ive never been kissed

9) Lost Someone Special: yes

10) Been Depressed: when am i not

11) Gotten Drunk And Puked: never been drunk

THREE FAVORITE COLORS

12) pink

13) gray

14) black

IN THE LAST YEAR

15) Made New Friends: a few

16) Fallen Out Of Love: no

17) Laughed Until You Cried: yes

18) Found Out Someone Was Gossiping About You: yes

19) Met Someone Who Changed Your Life: i dont think so

20) Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: lmao very much so

21) Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: no again

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook Friends: 263

23) Pets: 3 cats, 3 dogs, a rat, a tortoise, 2 horses, 2 pigs, a hedgehog. we have a lot less than we used to

24) Want To Change Your Name: not really. maybe my last name but dylan’s fine

WHAT

25) Did I Get For My Birthday: just some little merch things

26) Time I Woke Up: 11:30 to inject my dumb insulin then i went back to sleep until like 3:30 pm

27) Were You Doing At Midnight: probably drawing

28) Can’t You Wait For: a-kon in june

29) Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mom: an hour or so ago

30) Was Something You Wish You Could Change About Your Life:  i dont want to be sick or depressed. id give almost anything to not have this disease

31) Are You Listening To Right Now: nothing

32) Gets On Your Nerves: a lot of things

33) Talked To A Person Named Tom: yes thats our neighbors name

34) Is Your Most Visited Website: youtube

35) Elementary School: it was okay

36) High School: hated every day i was in it. the IB program was the only good part about it

37) College: i was going for a drawing/painting but i had to drop out beause i almost died and i had to change my whole lifestyle after the event. it gave me such awful anxiety but i want to eventually enroll again in a uni closer to my home for art ed

38) Hair Color: blonde but a gross faded pink rn

39) Long/Short Hair: longish

40) Crush: i dont have one, im going to die alone

41) Do You Like About Yourself: nothing

42) Piercings: none

43) Blood Type: i think ab but im not sure

44) Nickname: none

45) Relationship Status: single forever

46) Zodiac: pisces

47) Pronouns: she/her

48) Favorite Show: i dont watch tv but fullmetal alchemist brotherhood is my favorite anime

49) Tattoos: none yet but ive wanted the same one for probably 5 years now. too bad i dont have any money and i dont make enough to actually save anything up lol

50) Left/Right Handed: right

FIRST

51) Surgery: root canal/tooth extraction. i had a picc line put in when i was in the hospital for dka when i was diagnosed with t1 diabetes but idk if youd count that as a surgery

52) Piercing: none

53) Best Friend: im sure i had one in like kindergarten or elementary school but i dont remember

54) Sport: i was a fucking cheerleader in kindergarten

55) Vacation: disney world florida in like 2004. only one ive been on since was to italy in 2015

56) Pair Of Shoes: how am i supposed to remember that lol

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: none

58) Drinking: none

59) I Am About To: probably work on my cosplay or draw

60) Listening To: none

61) Waiting For: a-kon..

62) Want To See: idk

63) Want To Get Married: yes

64) Career: guest adviser at gamestop

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/Kisses: gonna go with hugs cause i dont know what a kiss feels like

66) Lips/Eyes: eyes

67) Taller/Shorter: depends

68) Younger/Older: i get along better with older people

69) Romantic/Spontaneous: both are good

70) Nice Arms/Nice Stomach: nice arms i guess, but id like to have a nice stomach 

71) Sensitive/Loud: sensitive

72) Hookup/Relationship: relationships

73) Troublemaker/Hesitant: im not sure

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed A Stranger: no

75) Drank Hard Liquor: no

76) Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: yes

77) Turned Someone Down: yes bc they were fuckbois

78) Canoodling On A First Date: no unless like.. idk we had been good friends prior and i knew them well. idk

79) Broken Someone’s Heart: no

80) Had Your Own Heart Broken: yes

81) Been Arrested: no

82) Cried When Someone Died: yes

83) Fallen For A Friend: yes. obviously nothing came from it haha

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: nope

85) Miracles: yes

86) Santa Claus: no

87) Kisses On A First Date: idk

88) Angels: yes

89) Love At First Sight: i dont think so? there’s attraction and then there’s love

OTHER

90) Best Friend’s Name: beck

91) Eye Color: blue

92) Favorite Movie: idk i like a lot of older disney things. nothing new though

TAGGING

im always afraid to tag people so not this time lol. do it if you want

[fxikb0ay-blog]

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3/29/18

reading thru this blog about three years after the last time i posted is absolutely so bizarre because i don’t even remember feeling a lot of the things i wrote about. well, i remember feeling them but not as strongly as i apparently did. i always remember never REALLY hating the way i looked and never REALLY being depressed but i guess i just minimize my own emotions or remember them incorrectly. i thought i would come back here and laugh at what an emo bitch i was in high school but it turns out ive grown so much more than i ever could have imagined

so where am i at now?

1. im currently finishing up my capstone graphic design portfolio class at community college, and im planning on transferring....somewhere...for my junior year. ive done well as far as i and my professors are concerned, and ive created a lot of beautiful projects, some even exceeding my own expectations. not to mention, i was accepted into the honors program and have had a full ride tuition for the past two years (bless up)

2. i have. new. friends. yes, the thing i thought was never possible for me. granted, it wasn’t the easiest road to get there, as my anxiety continued well into my college career and i barely spoke to most of my classmates for a solid year. i absolutely adore a lot of the design squad and im gonna miss them when i transfer away

3. speaking of the anxiety, she’s under control--not perfect, but manageable. if i need to make a phone call, i prepare what im going to say, pick up the phone, and do it. if i need to email a professor, i just send it out. if i have an event to attend, i power through. when i meet new people, i actually greet them and make attempts to be friendly and not super weird. i haven’t felt EXTREMELY anxious for anything in months, and i wish that my high school self could have had the perspective of knowing how much better it would get

4. my beliefs about how people view me have been completely shifted. i always assumed, being a flamboyant feminine alternative bisexual dude that people would think i was a weirdo or treat me with disdain but it turns out that..........nobody really cares. ive formed relationships with people from all different walks of life and ive never had a single person make a negative comment towards me, despite my strangeness. i feel so much more empowered to live my life however i want to without worrying about the opinions of others now that ive realized no one has time to worry about what you’re doing after high school.

5. i went on the most amazing roadtrip last summer with my two best friends. we went out to utah/arizona/new mexico, camped under the stars, suffered through sickness together, got stranded in the colorado mountains and had to duct tape the drivers door shut, laughed until we cried, ate gas station food for two days straight, slept in sketchy hotels, and the LANDSCAPES! ANGELS LANDING high school me never would have imagined i would do anything like that anytime in the near future, and it was genuinely the best two weeks of my life. and OH YEAH, my gay ass is going to FUCKING PRAGUE THIS SUMMER !!!!! u cant tell me shit !!!!

6. im finally losing the weight that i complained about for so fucking long. im currently 21 lbs down from my starting weight and we’re still going strong bich (okay maybe i go over my calorie goal literally every single day but who cares live a little lifes too short to not eat black pepper potato chips)

7. i bought a 35mm camera and i really want to start shooting stuff with it. this is a recent development so im not sure if i should even put this down bc chances are ill lose interest in it but im so fascinated by the medium and im super down to start experimenting. its an excuse to get out in the world and participate while also finding the beauty in everyday things and creating art, plus it has that physical quality that gets lost in translation with digital photography that always made it feel sort of hollow to me. we’ll see how it goes!

everything not perfect but its so much better man. like, better than i could have imagined. i still dont feel particularly happy but i can honestly say that im more content with my life than i have been in a long time, and i predict that things will get so much better once i move out. funny, i would have said the exact opposite thing when i posted on this blog before.

i wonder how strange this post will seem when i come back and read it in a couple years