#2nd sister was supposed to have a twin but i think mom miscarried & the other twin 'fell out' is what my parents told us as kids | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rezilient-m3 · 5 years ago

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8) I was kinda dreading to write this part because it's long and a shitty part of my life... I got pregnant after my son was taken. To me, I was happy, I thought this preganancy was want we both wanted. I was so hurt when James told me he wasn't ready to be a dad and he didn't think I should keep the baby. And to me, the way I was raised, you don't get abortions, it's just not a thing you can do. So, I was stuck. I still went home every chance I got to visit my son. One trip, it was my oldest sister, R, and her husband who gave me a ride. They had a lot of kids, so I was considering asking them if they'd take my baby. Mind you, nobody knew yet I was pregnant cuz I wasn't expecting the reaction I got from James, so I couldn't be happy and was worrying about what my next steps would be. That whole 5 hour trip with them I was quiet, I was trying to figure out how I'm going to bring it up to them of how I got pregnant, but the dad didn't want a baby and I didn't want to get rid of it. I didn't say anything. I thought I'd talk to my mum first and see what she would have to say. Next day I miscarried though. I was just over 2 mths. I was so sad. Makes me sad now and wondering wtf was I thinking for not leaving him for all these red flags he's been showing me.

I don't remember how the conversation with James went like. But we went back to our normal ways of living. Drinking and living irresponsibly. We soon moved out of our old townhouse in the industrial area, to a duplex in the inner city. I applied for school in the fall for a course I knew nothing about. But was excited for my future. I got in, got accepted for the funding and was set for Sept. Nothing really special happened that summer. It was the same stories: get drunk, blow our money and I started cheating on him with randoms. It was just a broken relationship.

In August, I don't remember what the reason for us breaking up was. But I went home for awhile, and he went back to his parents, they lived in another province at the time. I went back to get my stuff cuz I had to find my own place to start school. I went back, found my computer and stereo missing. It may not sound like a big deal, but to me, at the time it was heartbreaking. Next day, I packed my stuff and moved. I found a one bedroom apartment in a nicer neighborhood. I made it a home in one evening, thanks to my niece (she's the same age as me, so we're more like sisters). I had my very own place and was excited about school.

I still didn't have vehicle, so had to catch the bus to school and walked home most days. I realized the program wasn't what I was expecting. But I still went everyday. Until something happened that would change the course of my life. It was a weekend near the end of Sept, my twin brother was staying with me and our older half brother B was visiting us too. B and I drank that whole time. My twin hates it when we drink. I was an asshole back then, always wanting to fight or argue about anything and everything. I see now of how unhappy I was. But my twin wasn't a drinker, so I let him have my bedroom to sleep in so we can drink. We were on our second night of getting drunk and my brother raped me. Idk why or what he was thinking. We were best friends from all through high school until that night. I remember he was on my desktop, talking to like 3 random girls and I was asking him when he was going to smartnup and give me a sister-in-law. I don't remember this turned into an argument. I didn't even think he was that messed up. We got into a scuffle, I punched him and somehow he had me pinned, while I was on my stomach, took my pants off and did it. I screamed, I cried, but I was weak. At the time I couldn't believe this was actually happening, like how could he think any of this was okay? He was my brother and my best friend. He left, I locked my door, and locked myself in my bathroom. And what did I do? I called James instead of the cops. I didn't tell him what happened but I told him something bad happened and I wanted him to come home.

You're probably wondering why my twin didn't do anything or check wtf was happening. He didn't know, he thought we were just fighting, he thought it we were arguing when he heard me yelling. I didn't even tell him that next morning. When he asked where our brother was, I just said he left. He was devastated and blamed himself when he found out later. Cried to me apologizing, I told him it wasn't his fault. I never blamed him.

Anyways, James was back. I went to school but I was a zombie. I was not okay. I couldn't think of anything else but that night. I stopped going to school after the first week of Oct. And to make things worse, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, I didn't get the same reaction from James. He was excited until I reminded him of the possibility of the baby being from my brother. It was a really tough time for me. I contemplated having an abortion, scared my baby was from my brother for real. My mum was the one that talked me into keeping my baby. She told me no matter what that she'd help me with my baby. James was also being so supportive about this, which was a total 180 from his first reaction the pregnancy before. So, we stayed pregnant.

I had my babygirl June 12, 2010. I wasn't due until the 28th but this day, my cousin (who was my childhood best friend and "almost-to-be-brother") hung himself. I had talked to him the week before, made plans for when he came back to the city. I said maybe I'd have my baby by the time he got back and he'd come visit and give me my first drink lol. That morning, my sister, S, called me with the news. I couldn't breathe, and as soon as I hung up I was crying so hard, I couldn't even tell James what happened. I finally blurted it out and felt my first labour pain. It's not funny but when I tell this story I laugh cuz on our way to the hospital, I was swearing saying "fucken T**, I don't care about a fucken Jr, if we have a boy we're naming him T!" I had a girl though, hours later and she was the spitting image of James. She was his.

James and I didn't last very long being "happy". My daughter had to be a couple months old when we went to my parents place to visit. I left them to go drinking, I was gone for 2 days. Not proud of myself. I didn't cheat on him this time though lol. I was drinking with guys he never liked though, so I can see how upset he was. I went back and told him we can go home the next day. He said his cousin wanted a ride to the bar. I thought I'd let him since I was gone that whole time. I said I'd leave the door open for him. He didn't come back. For 2 days I didn't know where he was, and he had my apartment keys and csrseat so I couldn't just go home. (Oh yeah, he had a beat up old van now). Anyways, my friend Elaine told me he was at her mother-in-law's house with her little SIL. That fucken shooked me. In my egotistical mind, I can do so much wrong, but he could never do the same to me. Until then lol.

I left, got new keys. It was just me and my baby. He stayed with her for awhile until she said she was pregnant too. He denied, and still denies, that boy to this day. I stayed away, he and his parents would come get our girl for some weekends. It couldn't have been for long cuz our next daughter was born the next June on the 19th. But it was this one weekend he had our daughter. I was drunk on the phone talking to my sister S, and she told me she gotten back with her ex and made it seem okay if I wanted to take him back. So, I did. I told him he can come home when he brings her back. And I got pregnant right away. Stupid me. So much has happened that we weren't okay, especially when we'd drink. I had my 2nd daughter on Father's Day of 2011. And got pregnant again after that.

Now that next year, it went from bad to worse. Before I was due his step dad came to our house with all his little brothers and sisters. There was 6 of them, plus his dad, plus me, him and our daughter. All in a small two bedroom house. We moved twice since my apartment. But they drank, James, his dad, his oldest younger brother and his dad's friend. We all went to the bar to play pool, James got stupid drunk. When we left he was giving people in other vehicle's the middle finger. He was always angry and did stupid shit when he was blacked out. Anyways, we got back to my house and were bbqing. His dad's friend had a woman there too and the friends started arguing cuz I think his dad was hitting on that girl. I was supposed to give her a ride somewhere so I had my keys in my pocket. His dad ended up driving away with his friend and that girl. I was closing up our back gate when James come try hug me, I should've just hugged him cuz when I pushed him away, he seen I was holding my keys and tried to get them from me. I wasn't going to give him the keys cuz I knew how drunk he was. I ended up falling on the ground and he was on top of me screaming in my face of how I was a slut and this and that. Even got as rank as throwing around our bbq and chairs and kids toys everywhere. People walking by the alley were watching and called the cops.

This would be the first assault charge he got. I told the cops he didn't hit me, cuz this time he didn't. But they've arrested him anyways and he went to the calls for the night. He got that charge, along with a no contact order and was to stay away. He called his dad and he told me he's waiting at the end of the block in a parking lot in our vehicle. (He got the keys before he was arrested). I went, he was sorry... blah, blah, blah. He came home, even though he wasn't supposed to. I had our 3rd daughter July 7th of 2012.

He still wasn't supposed to be around, but the night before I went into labour, we got into an argument, idk about what. But he didn't come home. That morning I went into labour. I called his mom cuz I couldn't get ahold of him, and she found his at his grandma's. I was so mad at him. I was so close to putting myself in our tub and I was alone with our 2 n 1 year olds. But he showed up, packed the girls, and dropped me off at the hospital emergency. I got admitted at 1:56 and I had her at 2:08. That was so close.! I didn't have time to be sad or afraid cuz I was alone. But James was still not allowed to be there. Nurses knew that. So when he came to see her, I lied and said he was my cousin lol.

Now, we have 3 babies. I went straight to drinking. My baby wasn't even a week yet. Then again, life would change. My sister S was in the city drinking with her friend. They came over to check on me and my sister was seeing Alex. These next few weeks is a blur for me. I hardly stayed sober and James was always away cuz he couldn't be there and again I was involved with social services cuz his grandma knew how much I was drinking. This time it would be my fault. Alex and S would come over, even pitched a tent cuz his living situation was weird. He officially lived with a woman we'll call Laura. But he always claimed he just stayed there cuz he had nowhere to live. Whatever, wasn't my problem. We drank a lot though. Oh, at this time too my brother B showed up with our cousin, I told him I forgave him. He cried, whatever, we made up. Not as close as we were though. Anyways, S, her friend, Alex, B, our cousin and me were forever drinking. All taking turns taking care of my girls. At the time it was fun, and it didn't seem wrong. I found myself being alone with Alex when everybody else would be passed out, we got to know each other. Couldn't even deny there was feelings there between us. Then we eventually took it too far and started sleeping with each other. I suck for doing that to my sister. In my defense, they never said they were a couple, like he was living with another woman. But still, wtf man? Lol.

James showed up once with his mom. His mom raised hell with why I was drinking around them. Which never made sense to me, cuz it was okay if we were drinking with her. There were times where we'd be drinking together and she had no problem with my girl's being around, or her kids. Whatever though. They left. Idk why they didn't take my girl's. But one day, I was hungover, home alone with my girls. I asked my sister S if she had any money, what was her response? "Ask Alex". This time she knew we've slept together, he blurted it out when they were fighting. Dumbass. Anywhoo, I did. I thought he was just gonna buy me beer. He brought beer to drink with me lol. It was the middle of the day, we were out in my back yard with my kids. I was on my third or fourth and he was busy with my oldest, playing. The social worker shows up. He said he could stop drinking and take care of them, as he was only on his first, it didn't work, she took them. At this time, it didn't seem like a big deal cuz I'm still supposed to be with James and I knew they'd give them to him right away. All I did was text them to say the worker took them and they should go get them. And continued drinking with Alex.

I told worker the next day, I'll move out of my house if they can give my girls to their dad and they can stay at my house. This worked. I don't remember if he was still going to jail or not, I know he did plead guilty for assault, even though he didn't hit me when I was pregnant. But we still weren't supposed to be around each other so it was a complicated mess.

I stayed at his auntie's place sometimes, just to say I was living somewhere else. Got visits with my girls through social services, even though I was there at home most days. It went on like this until they closed my file, saying they were with the other parent so it was the matter of family court to figure it all out. But we did, we were still together. Only now I had reasons for not going home sometimes. I was still cheating, this time it was with Alex all the time. I was shady. But I knew James and I would never last.

When he was "in charge" of my girls, that was when the beatings got really bad. I'd get so black and blue and puffy but wouldn't call the cops cuz I wasn't even supposed to be around. So, he got away with it every time. Lived this way for a year. Now it would be 2013. I applied for school again, for a different program, got in, got my funding. We moved to another house our landlord got us cuz we needed more space. This time, we thought we were safe cuz social workers wouldn't know and shit like that. He was collecting welfare for him n the girls, I was still getting child tax and my funding on top of it. But would have been set for the year is we didn't drink and just be together. That was always a conversation but would never happen. Cuz sometimes I did think I loved him. But like I said, I always knew we'd never last.

I went to school, he stayed home with the girls. He was such a piece of shit though. My school was only 6 blocks away, so I'd always go home to check on our kids at lunch. He'd always be asleep and my girls would be locked in their room still. I fucken hated that. He'd stay up all night, playing his stupid games and would sleep before I got up for school. I'd let them out, wake him up and go back to school. Sometimes I'd come home after 330 and he'd still be asleep and our kids would be starving. That was so frustrating. I hated him for that. He just wasn't supportive.

The long weekend in Nov, he took me to the next city to see my parents. They were there at the casino, I thought I'd go visit for the weekend, but for some reason my mum told me just to go home cuz it wouldn't be a long visit. Whatever, I went back. I bought drinks though, and made plans with my cousin down the alley that I'd get dropped off there. James didn't like it, but dropped me off anyways. That whole weekend,again, was a blur. I was drunk the whole time. Had blackouts for most of it. Then it would be Sunday night. I came out of my blackout running down my stairs, in my house, trying to get away from James. Went to my bedroom, locked it, threw myself on my bed and felt the bruises on my face and tasted the blood. He kicked the door open, grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the floor and tried hog tieing me while pinning me down with his steel toe boots. Luckily for me, his cell rang. Idk who it was but he got distracted, I ran upstairs to the bathroom, looked at my face, grabbed a jacket and ran out the door barefooted. I went to the house I was at, banged on the door, my friend seen me and I went lock myself in the bathroom. She called the cops.

Luckily for my girls, they were asleep and James' little brother was at the house cuz he was visiting for the weekend. So, he was watching them for the night when the cops went arrest him. I went to the hospital and got stitches on my upper lip and forehead. Cops then took me to the detachment for pictures. Then, home to sleep. Now, I don't remember getting beaten that bad, just running from him. But I knew it was him, he did it before. That would be the last time I've seen James for 5 years.

Doctor wrote me a note to take a week off of school so I can heal. Now, I was alone with my girls, still trying to go to school with my sister S who was supposed to be my babysitter. She was unreliable though. She drank, which caused me to miss school. I didn't drink for a month. I knew that social services would be called on me cuz that's how his family was. Sure enough, I got 3 random visits from workers. Third time they told me they had no choice to open a file. By the second week of December I had no choice but to quit school, I feel too far behind and missed too many days. That was harsh, especially how well I was doing with my marks. One weekend,my cousin and friend were over and we were going to go out. My cousin's teenage daughter was upstairs and we were downstairs in my room getting ready. We had a 12 of beer, I was on my 2nd when the worker showed up. She didn't care I had a sitter and we were leaving. Sucky thing was our cab showed up right after her. It was all bad timing. My girl's were 3, 2, and 1. They were so happy to be going "bye-bye" and excited to be putting on their winter stuff. I was holding back tears getting them dressed cuz I knew they'd end up with James and it would be hard to reason with him after this. I was right. I never seen them again for 5 years after that.

That was the middle of December. I now have no school, no kids, and no way to pay my 1400 a month the rent was after that month. So, I stayed drunk. I decided to give my house to my cousin, who was trying to get her younger kids back and needed a house. I told her she can have everything but keep my sentimental shit until I come back and get them. I didn't go home for Christmas, I was alone that time. It was so depressing.

After James had beat me and by the time I was out of school and my girls were gone, Alex msged me. I guess my sister S told him all that happened and was upset. We've spoken to each other through the year, here and there. Always telling each other we think of each other. So, he's never lost those feelings, and I've always liked him too. But I my first thought wasn't to tell him about all the shit that just went down, like, why would I? Lol. After Christmas he said he had to come to the city and look at a truck to buy. (After that summer/winter of fooling around he bought a place 5 hrs away to get away from Laura. Which is his fucked up story on his own cuz she did end up moving herself into the old building he bought.)

Anyways, it was December 27th and he was on his way. I had my little half-sister visiting and my cousin, who was gonna take over my house at my place at the time. Cousin was sleeping in the downstairs bedroom, while I was panicking to my sister about Alex coming. We were always drunk or about to get drunk when we hung out, this time I was sober waiting for him to bring the beer lol. I almost told him change of plans about him coming to my house. I was super nervous. All my sister said was to calm the hell down and just say hi and talk to him, she's never seen me that way before but I was freaking out. He showed up, and I'd learn after we got drunk that he was freaking out too before walking up lol.

This day would change my life's course too, I just didn't know it yet. But we spent the night together. He had to go home, which he still had Laura there. But she was told to pack up her shit and leave cuz they weren't really together at that time. I'll get into all of that later.

This was a super long post. I'm sure I've left a lot of parts out of all those years. Will go back if needed. But that's mostly what had happened between James and I. I guess, anyways.

Now I'm about to leave my home city of 6 hard years. Not knowing what my future looks like. Next post will be about me and Alex. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Cuz it wasn't a very "happily ever after".

Thanks for reading, hope it made sense. I don't want to read it lol. Until next time. ✌

#allofme #mystory #survivingtheugly

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