#2023 went: let me hit you over the head with THE most movies of all time

[variousqueerthings]

some more movies I watched this year (so far) that had some things to say about queerness that made my head explode

the transexual menace (1996): rosa von praunheim just wandered around new york interviewing trans people in a way that is off the walls in terms of just how many voices are included in the piece. the community, the scale of it, it's like rapid fire "how many experiences can you include in this (yes)." if you want to be inundated with the feeling of "we have always been here and we've always been fucking cool." my favourite ongoing thread is the interviews of trans immigrants from several continents, but there's so much to take in in such a short runtime, I feel like it deserves 100 more watches

kokomo city (2023): d smith celebrating black trans sex workers in several cities in america, notably allowed the kind of freedom of expression that comes from being an intracommunity piece, rather than voyeuristic a la elements of paris is burning. I swear our greatest philosophers of the age are black trans sex workers, you do not hear these truths in mainstream LGBT politics and philosophy, and also it's so fucking funny. d smith herself was lamenting how often film doesn't show just how funny trans women can be, as a part of undermining the overall complexity of trans woman experiences

wildhood (2021): a story about a multi-ethnic kid who flees his abusive father and goes on a roadtrip to find his mother and reconnect with his native Mi'kmaw heritage, and on the way also allows himself to challenge the fraught masculinity he was raised on, via falling in love with an Anishinabeg boy *deep breath.* there's no way I can celebrate this harder than through the above description, it packs so much depth of suppressed identities into a simple story, I don't think its like exists honestly, and that's not even going into how compellingly acted the characters are

honey moccasin (1998): so at the beginning of the year there was a one month online festival celebrating native film and I went on a binge -- this movie I went into without knowing the plot and I kind of loved that experience, so I'm hesitant to say too much about plot (also because how to summarise a plot so cornucopian). in terms of feel though, this is something that offers a tantalising example of counter-image to dominant, hollywood-ised cinema, not quite "avant-garde" so much as simply wholly itself, a joyful ride through a place and time, incredibly funny, and with that complex gender-sexuality-ethnicity that isn't easy to sum up using white eurocentric terminology

glen or glenda (1953): I don't think it's quite possible to be able to fully comprehend how modern trans identities have been crafted without this film. at this point in time american psychiatrists were winning the fight to "own" the language of transness, putting us squarely (or so they thought) into the realm of pathologisation and medicalisation as a way of enforcing conformity. this film captures that zeitgeist, while also putting out impassioned pleas for tolerance, in language that is struggling against the small box that we can exist in, at times breaking out and giving us images that are intensely modern (or maybe reminiscent of pre-war ideas?) and at others functioning within those limitations. it's frustrating, it's illuminating, it's colonialist, it's an attempt at liberation, it's an indelible, visible stamp of history

lotus sports club: this one's a tad more personal to me, I've screened this movie, I've met one of the directors, I play football, getting to see trans people a continent away building spaces that I've found lacking in my own country (but crucially are being built at a community level now as well) squeezes at my heart so intensely, both times I've seen this film I've felt like I wasn't breathing. we're connected across space in a way that cannot be sufficiently described in a simple summary. also there's a fundraiser to support this team and the trans guys who've played on it so there's a tangible way to reach out to our siblings in Cambodia

great freedom 🤝 joyland

queer existence may be treated as unwanted and even criminal, but it’s potentially full of far more freedom and community and joy than can be found by clinging desperately to systems that make you force yourself into tinier versions of selfhood, just to maintain correct ways of being, and although there is likely punishment and loss and pain that these smaller people will dole out to force queerness out of existence, the fight is worth it, and the self is worth it, and the joy is worth it

[nitrateglow]

Halloween 2023 marathon: 2-4

The Skeleton Dance (dir. Walt Disney, 1929)

It doesn't feel like spooky season without a screening of The Skeleton Dance. The debut of the Silly Symphonies series, it remains one of the most iconic Disney cartoons.

I'm doing a post about the Silly Symphonies for my Wordpress and watching several of them, it's clear most of the earliest ones were more set on being tone poems. With its gothic atmosphere and macabre sense of humor, The Skeleton Dance might be the most successful Silly Symphony in that regard, competing strongly with the more visually refined The Old Mill from 1937 for the GOAT Silly Symphony crown. Personally, I prefer The Skeleton Dance-- it's funny, creative, and creepy, with an energy that seems inherent to its "primitive" state as an early talkie. (That part where the skeleton quartet combine into a four-headed monstrosity is still kind of creepy, even as an adult.)

Swing You Sinners! (dir. Dave Fleishcer, 1930)

This bizarre cartoon from the dawn of the talkie era went viral a few years back. People freaked out over the macabre visuals and merciless content: a dog tries stealing a chicken, then ends up in a cemetery where he's terrorized by talking tombstones and shapeshifting ghouls swearing they'll "scatter your bones away" and torment him forever.

I know saying "this was made on drugs" is a descriptive cliche, but... that's the vibe of this thing. The Fleischer cartoons of the early 1930s could get surreal indeed and this one is among the most uninhibited with its horrific images and comic but despairing tone. If I had seen this as a kid, it would have given me nightmares and watching it creeps me out even now. It doesn't even end with the dog escaping-- he's swallowed up by a huge skull and then the cartoon hits you with its "the end" card. Damn!

Hell's Bells (dir. Ub Iwerks, 1929)

In many ways a companion piece to The Skeleton Dance, Hell's Bells is a Silly Symphony about a bunch of devils partying it up in hell before they turn on one another. I just love the atmosphere and dark humor in this as well. We also get some weird, weird moments, like when the devils milk fire from a demon cow-- a strange mix of early Disney barnyard humor and the infernal setting.

It's interesting to compare the two Disney cartoons with the Fleischer one, now that I think about it. The Disney ones have some dark content and threats of peril, but they end on a resolved note: dawn comes and the skeletons have to go home to their grave, and the chief devil is punished for picking on the smaller devils. But the Fleischer cartoon just ends with its protagonist being punished far beyond the proportion of his crime with no hope of redemption. And it ends so suddenly too, giving you no time to let that sink in until the end titles have vanished from sight.

All three of these cartoons are great. If you're short on time for an evening viewing of a horror movie after work during the spooky season, all of these are under 10 minutes and well worth the watch for bite-sized chills.

[teriwrites]

2023 Writing Wrap-Up

It's that time again, folks! Time to ring in the new year, and look back through everything from the last.

I have a little bit of a headache between marathoning some movies this weekend and spending way too long reading through my collective word document, so let's make this intro short and sweet.

Total Wordcount: 89,168

2023 was the first year in awhile that I haven't hit my general goal of 100K words. I've been struggling generally with not only writing but most of my creative hobbies, which can probably be blamed on some mental health stuff that I won't dive into. But, given all of that, the fact alone that I was able to finish NaNo is enough for me to feel pretty satisfied with how it all went for me this past year.

Without further ado, I'll throw my annual snippets and quotes below the thing. Enjoy!

Most things in the Beyond that defied comprehension, Winnie found best left alone. She liked to imagine her wariness kept her safe. It also often left her at a loss. (Beyond Alder Creek)

"Hettie's upset," the cat reproached, as though Chraja were the one at fault. "I could feel her grinding her teeth in my sleep." "You're the one who told me not to tell her, Mutig!" Chraja cried back. "And you're the one who listened." (The Cat and the Crow)

“It’s madness out here tonight,” Katva grumbled as she settled from the collision. “They all seem to think I know something.” Ravy leaned against the stone wall of the bathhouse. “Well, we both know that’s not true.” Katva reached forwards to punch his arm. (The Bells of Kisvarda)

Winnie didn’t seem inclined to believe in the fae at all, which was a good a sign as any that Bran shouldn’t have, either. But that didn’t explain the chill running down his spine. Or why he was suddenly so afraid at looking back over his shoulder. Squeezing his eyes shut, Bran loudly repeated what Winnie had often said, as though to make it more convincing. “The fae are best left behind in the 19th century. They’re only real in stories and imagination now.” There was a beat of quiet, with the only sound being the trickling water beside him, and Bran let out a relieved breath. Then, a voice replied. “That’s rather unkind. I think we have every much a right to this century as you do.” Bran’s chest hitched as he gasped. Swiveling around so fast he nearly tripped over the rocks at his feet, he stared at the faerie ring. Suddenly, what had only moments before been empty was now holding an odd figure. They offered a wide, inviting smile. “Hello, little one.” (Beyond Alder Creek)

Mevre Dhuvgo was sitting at the bar of a tavern when she'd decided enough was enough. Around her, the little adventuring party she'd pulled together to have some company on the road was in uproarious laughter. She chuckled along, feigning camaraderie while the tethers that had tenuously held her to this party finally snapped. There had been countless jokes like this before, all aimed above her head, like she wouldn't understand the hidden jab tucked inside. Like she wasn't smart enough to grasp that she was being insulted. Her lack of formal education hadn't bothered any of them before, when she'd suggested they join forces. The ability to wield a weapon with precision and force, and the physical endurance to push forward even when the others were tapped out had seemingly been enough. Who cared whether she tracked leylines or knew how to navigate by the stars? And if everyone else in the party could read and speak multiple languages, what use did Mevre have for it? (The Last Night)

A person’s legacy is never forged in a vacuum; it is the influences of those around us that grant us the ability to rise or fall. (The Lies in the Legend)

On the first day of spring, Bran Pewitt was determined to greet the season by spending the entire day outdoors. Technically, the calendar had welcomed the new season over a month ago, but in the small, northern town of Bildenbey, few recognized the biting, damp, barren landscape of March and most of April as holding any ties to the budding and blooming waking world of May. (Beyond Alder Creek)

Marroc had had time to cope with the terror of being essentially stranded here for months at a time, and he'd made peace with it. There was even a sort of pleasant acceptance, as he'd stepped out onto the banks of the island. Wildflowers were in bloom, and the cave system that now made his temporary home was a perfect refuge against possible encounters with the Ardents. If not for the incessant prickling commentary by the princess, he might've been enjoying himself. The princess. Marroc drew back away from his thoughts, and studied the lady as he did so. She had shrunk into herself, eyes alight as she pressed herself against the cave wall in what must've been a painful crouch. He realized with a start that she was afraid, and that this was the first time she had shown true fear in the first days of her abduction. (Snippets: A Rewrite)

“You’re the one who did it, aren’t you?” Winnie demanded. “My dear, you’re going to have to be more specific than that. I’ve done plenty in my life, but, then, so have you. Doing things tends to be one of life’s side-effects.” (Beyond Alder Creek)

I held back a sigh. I'd been dreading the invitation as long as I'd been expecting it. 'Invitation' was generous. 'Summons' was more appropriate, but I avoided thinking about it that way. It made my tenuous friendship with its sender a lot smoother if I didn't pay too much attention to his quirkiness. 'Quirkiness' was generous. 'Tightwad asshole' gave a clearer picture, but, as I said, I preferred to simplify it. Made it easier to maintain the peace. (The Invitation)

It was definitely past midday, and the bells over the hills hadn’t rung. The silence over the Shayamur Valley was palpable and encumbering, like the anticipatory stillness before an avalanche. Though business went on in the settlements below, it was all with an air of distraction and an undercurrent of unease. Those without any duties to attend loitered in the streets or peered out of windows, all attention fixed to Bangani, the highest peak in the region. (The Bells of Kisvarda)

Mevre considered for a moment leaving now. She could go back inside, camouflage herself in the crowd of patrons, sneak her stuff out of their room and make it over the gate in ten minutes, easy. And the farmhouse was distant, but it was in sight, a light shining through an upper-story window. Mevre didn't need to know how to navigate by the stars to find her way there. (The Last Night)

Winnie had always thought of crows as playful birds and ravens as their somber cousins. Perhaps that was to be blamed on the Gothic writers. But this particular raven seemed inclined to toy with her. (Beyond Alder Creek)

The White Room. Devoid of color, distraction, or interest. Four white walls forming a perfect square, and nothing more. No door, no windows. A void in white. Bran Pewitt sits in the middle of the floor, holding his chin in his hand. He's bored already, with no tempting intrigue to follow. "You're giving me some trouble," echoes a voice from beyond the White Room. "Why won't you let me begin our story?" "It's not November yet," Bran points out. "You shouldn't be writing anything right now." "Since when do you care about following rules?" Bran huffs, and leans back on his hands. "I follow rules. Haven't you been paying attention? I didn't jump in the ring myself.” (The White Room)

Liam flashed a stiff smile. "I have to say, I was surprised to hear you'd decided to hire someone to help you run it. You never struck me as the biggest team player in school." By that, he meant that I'd expressly stated that I never wanted to deal with managing a team of employees. Probably with some more self-deprecating comments aimed at my aversion to collaboration or compromise. I never knew how to answer people who asked me why I'd decided to major in Business. (The Invitation)

The words died in my throat. A man stood at my door. His wavy gray hair hung loose about his shoulders, tucked behind his pointed ears. A simple, rustic tunic, dyed the same shade of blue as his laugh-lined eyes, was tucked into a pair of plain brown trousers. There was a hunch in his shoulders, and he held himself upright partially with the assistance of a cane that looked to be carved out of driftwood. He had aged, but Emmyth Agassi’s eyes were as alight with pride as I’d ever seen them. “Ghislaine, happy centennial.” (The Lies in the Legend)

Even without fully-bloomed leaves, the thick lattice of overlapping branches overhead was enough to cast the forest floor in shade. Bran navigated the underbrush with ease, but his pace was slowed in reverence to the scene. Where the sun managed to pierce the canopy, beams of light flickered and danced into the surrounding undergrowth. Shrubs whose leaves had already unfurled eagerly sought its rays, and the whole grove was illuminated in a verdant glow wherever they were struck. (Beyond Alder Creek)

When she realized she wasn't intimidating Marroc, the princess turned to screaming. It was a piercing, shrill sort of shrieking, the kind that would make any abductor's blood run cold. Marroc kept walking calmly beside her. The screams lasted all the way back to the cave system, and, as her throat must've run raw, the screeching shifted into a deep-chested wail. Her voice echoed off the walls of the cavern, until Marroc considered casting a silencing spell over her, too. But he let her shout, let her realize that his cool demeanor had not changed for a moment of it. She picked up on it quickly. "Where is it you've brought me?" Marroc didn't respond. (Snippets: A Rewrite)

His first impression as he rose was that, with the canopy interlocking over the pool and blocking any clear view of the sky, the sun had no right or place shining so fiercely through the forest. His second thought was less eloquent. "What the shit?" (Sighting)

I wake, and goblins encircling me scatter. Light from above glistens on their teeth, dripping gray-matter. (goblinsong)

It was beautiful. Winnie couldn’t take in enough, darting her gaze with every twitch of a leaf overhead or a dazzlingly bright beetle underfoot. The golden man watched her take it in curiously. “You like it.” It wasn’t a question, but Winnifred’s gaze hardened in response. “It’s certainly overwhelming.” He chuckled and repeated himself in confirmation, “You like it.” And she did like it. The look of it, anyway. The sounds had yet to differentiate themselves from what she’d expect of Alder Creek, and the smell was simply that of woodland, which had always been pleasant enough. But this whole grove seemed washed over in an artist’s bright, yet tasteful, hand. “So this is the Beyond,” Winnie murmured, swiveling to take it in. (Beyond Alder Creek)

[dornish-queen]

Pedro Pascal on Fame and ‘The Mandalorian’: ‘Can We Cut the S— and Talk About the Child?’

By Adam B. Vary

Photographs by Beau Grealy

When Pedro Pascal was roughly 4 years old, he and his family went to see the 1978 hit movie “Superman,” starring Christopher Reeve. Pascal’s young parents had come to live in San Antonio after fleeing their native Chile during the rise of dictator Augusto Pinochet in the mid-1970s. Taking Pascal and his older sister to the movies — sometimes more than once a week — had become a kind of family ritual, a way to soak up as much American pop culture as possible.

At some point during this particular visit, Pascal needed to go to the bathroom, and his parents let him go by himself. “I didn’t really know how to read yet,” Pascal says with the same Cheshire grin that dazzled “Game of Thrones” fans during his run as the wily (and doomed) Oberyn Martel. “I did not find my way back to ‘Superman.'”

Instead, Pascal wandered into a different theater (he thinks it was showing the 1979 domestic drama “Kramer vs. Kramer,” but, again, he was 4). In his shock and bewilderment at being lost, he curled up into an open seat and fell asleep. When he woke up, the movie was over, the theater was empty, and his parents were standing over him. To his surprise, they seemed rather calm, but another detail sticks out even more.

“I know that they finished their movie,” he says, bending over in laughter. “My sister was trying to get a rise out of me by telling me, ‘This happened and that happened and then Superman did this and then, you know, the earthquake and spinning around the planet.'” In the face of such relentless sibling mockery, Pascal did the only logical thing: “I said, ‘All that happened in my movie too.'”

He had no way of knowing it at the time, of course, but some 40 years later, Pascal would in fact get the chance to star in a movie alongside a DC Comics superhero — not to mention battle Stormtroopers and, er, face off against the most formidable warrior in Westeros. After his breakout on “Game of Thrones,” he became an instant get-me-that-guy sensation, mostly as headstrong, taciturn men of action — from chasing drug traffickers in Colombia for three seasons on Netflix’s “Narcos” to squaring off against Denzel Washington in “The Equalizer 2.”

This year, though, Pascal finds himself poised for the kind of marquee career he’s spent a lifetime dreaming about. On Oct. 30, he’ll return for Season 2 as the title star of “The Mandalorian,” Lucasfilm’s light-speed hit “Star Wars” series for Disney Plus that earned 15 Emmy nominations, including best drama, in its first season. And then on Dec. 25 — COVID-19 depending — he’ll play the slippery comic book villain Maxwell Lord opposite Gal Gadot, Chris Pine and Kristen Wiig in “Wonder Woman 1984.”

The roles are at once wildly divergent and the best showcase yet for Pascal’s elastic talents. In “The Mandalorian,” he must hide his face — and, in some episodes, his whole body — in a performance that pushes minimalism and restraint to an almost ascetic ideal. In “Wonder Woman 1984,” by stark contrast, he is delivering the kind of big, broad bad-guy character that populated the 1980s popcorn spectaculars of his youth.

“I continually am so surprised when everybody pegs him as such a serious guy,” says “Wonder Woman 1984” director Patty Jenkins. “I have to say, Pedro is one of the most appealing people I have known. He instantly becomes someone that everybody invites over and you want to have around and you want to talk to.”

Talk with Pascal for just five minutes — even when he’s stuck in his car because he ran out of time running errands before his flight to make it to the set of a Nicolas Cage movie in Budapest — and you get an immediate sense of what Jenkins is talking about. Before our interview really starts, Pascal points out, via Zoom, that my dog is licking his nether regions in the background. “Don’t stop him!” he says with an almost naughty reproach. “Let him live his life!”

Over our three such conversations, it’s also clear that Pascal’s great good humor and charm have been at once ballast for a number of striking hardships, and a bulwark that makes his hard-won success a challenge for him to fully accept.

Before Pascal knew anything about “The Mandalorian,” its showrunner and executive producer Jon Favreau knew he wanted Pascal to star in it.

“He feels very much like a classic movie star in his charm and his delivery,” says Favreau. “And he’s somebody who takes his craft very seriously.” Favreau felt Pascal had the presence and skill essential to deliver a character — named Din Djarin, but mostly called Mando — who spends virtually every second of his time on screen wearing a helmet, part of the sacrosanct creed of the Mandalorian order.

Convincing any actor to hide their face for the run of a series can be as precarious as escaping a Sarlacc pit. To win Pascal over in their initial meeting, Favreau brought him behind the “Mandalorian” curtain, into a conference room papered with storyboards covering the arc of the first season. “When he walked in, it must have felt a little surreal,” Favreau says. “You know, most of your experiences as an actor, people are kicking the tires to see if it’s a good fit. But in this case, everything was locked and loaded.”

Needless to say, it worked. “I hope this doesn’t sound like me fashioning myself like I’m, you know, so smart, but I agreed to do this [show] because the impression I had when I had my first meeting was that this is the next big s—,” Pascal says with a laugh.

Favreau’s determination to cast Pascal, however, put the actor in a tricky situation: Pascal’s own commitments to make “Wonder Woman 1984” in London and to perform in a Broadway run of “King Lear” with Glenda Jackson barreled right into the production schedule for “The Mandalorian.” Some scenes on the show, and in at least one case a full episode, would need to lean on the anonymity of the title character more than anyone had quite planned, with two stunt performers — Brendan Wayne and Lateef Crowder — playing Mando on set and Pascal dubbing in the dialogue months later.

Pascal was already being asked to smother one of his best tools as an actor, extraordinarily uncommon for anyone shouldering the newest iteration of a global live-action franchise. (Imagine Robert Downey Jr. only playing Iron Man while wearing a mask — you can’t!) Now he had to hand over control of Mando’s body to other performers too. Some actors would have walked away. Pascal didn’t.

“If there were more than just a couple of pages of a one-on-one scene, I did feel uneasy about not, in some instances, being able to totally author that,” he says. “But it was so easy in such a sort of practical and unexciting way for it to be up to them. When you’re dealing with a franchise as large as this, you are such a passenger to however they’re going to carve it out. It’s just so specific. It’s ‘Star Wars.'” (For Season 2, Pascal says he was on the set far more, though he still sat out many of Mando’s stunts.)

“The Mandalorian” was indeed the next big s—, helping to catapult the launch of Disney Plus to 26.5 million subscribers in its first six weeks. With the “Star Wars” movies frozen in carbonite until 2023 (at least), I noted offhand that he’s now effectively the face of one of the biggest pop-culture franchises in the world. Pascal could barely suppress rolling his eyes.

“I mean, come on, there isn’t a face!” he says with a laugh that feels maybe a little forced. “If you want to say, ‘You’re the silhouette’ — which is also a team effort — then, yeah.” He pauses. “Can we just cut the s— and talk about the Child?”

Yes, of course, the Child — or, as the rest of the galaxy calls it, Baby Yoda. Pascal first saw the incandescently cute creature during his download of “Mandalorian” storyboards in that initial meeting with Favreau. “Literally, my eyes following left to right, up and down, and, boom, Baby Yoda close to the end of the first episode,” he says. “That was when I was like, ‘Oh, yep, that’s a winner!'”

Baby Yoda is undeniably the breakout star of “The Mandalorian,” inspiring infinite memes and apocryphal basketball game sightings. But the show wouldn’t work if audiences weren’t invested in Mando’s evolving emotional connection to the wee scene stealer, something Favreau says Pascal understood from the jump. “He’s tracking the arc of that relationship,” says the showrunner. “His insight has made us rethink moments over the course of the show.” (As with all things “Star Wars,” questions about specifics are deflected in deference to the all-powerful Galactic Order of Spoilers.)

Even if Pascal couldn’t always be inside Mando’s body, he never left the character’s head, always aware of how this orphaned bounty hunter who caroms from planet to planet would look askance at anything that felt too good (or too adorable) to be true.

“The transience is something that I’m incredibly familiar with, you know?” Pascal says. “Understanding the opportunity for complexity under all of the armor was not hard for me.”

When Pascal was 4 months old, his parents had to leave him and his sister with their aunt, so they could go into hiding to avoid capture during Pinochet’s crackdown against his opposition. After six months, they finally managed to climb the walls of the Venezuelan embassy during a shift change and claim asylum; from there, the family relocated, first to Denmark, then to San Antonio, where Pascal’s father got a job as a physician.

Pascal was too young to remember any of this, and for a healthy stretch of his childhood, his complicated Chilean heritage sat in parallel to his life in the U.S. — separate tracks, equally important, never quite intersecting. By the time Pascal was 8, his family was able to take regular trips back to Chile to visit with his 34 first cousins. But he doesn’t remember really talking about any of his time there all that much with his American friends.

“I remember at one point not even realizing that my parents had accents until a friend was like, ‘Why does your mom talk like that?'” Pascal says. “And I remember thinking, like what?”

Besides, he loved his life in San Antonio. His father took him and his sister to Spurs basketball games during the week if their homework was done. He hoodwinked his mother into letting him see “Poltergeist” at the local multiplex. He watched just about anything on cable; the HBO special of Whoopi Goldberg’s one-woman Broadway show knocked him flat. He remembers seeing Henry Thomas in “E.T.” and Christian Bale in “Empire of the Sun” and wishing ardently, urgently, I want to live those stories too.

Then his father got a job in Orange County, Calif. After Pascal finished the fifth grade, they moved there. It was a shock. “There were two really, really rough years,” he says. “A lot of bullying.”

His mother found him a nascent performing arts high school in the area, and Pascal burrowed even further into his obsessions, devouring any play or movie he could get his hands on. His senior year, a friend of his mother’s gave Pascal her ticket to a long two-part play running in downtown Los Angeles that her bad back couldn’t withstand. He got out of school early to drive there by himself. It was the pre-Broadway run of “Angels in America.”

“And it changed me,” he says with almost religious awe. “It changed me.”

After studying acting at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, Pascal booked a succession of solid gigs, like MTV’s “Undressed” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” But the sudden death of his mother — who’d only just been permitted to move back to Chile a few years earlier — took the wind right from Pascal’s sails. He lost his agent, and his career stalled almost completely.

As a tribute to her, he decided to change his professional last name from Balmaceda, his father’s, to Pascal, his mother’s. “And also, because Americans had such a hard time pronouncing Balmaceda,” he says. “It was exhausting.”

Pascal even tried swapping out Pedro for Alexander (an homage to Ingmar Bergman’s “Fanny and Alexander,” one of the formative films of his youth). “I was willing to do absolutely anything to work more,” he says. “And that meant if people felt confused by who they were looking at in the casting room because his first name was Pedro, then I’ll change that. It didn’t work.”

It was a desperately lean time for Pascal. He booked an occasional “Law & Order” episode, but mostly he was pounding the pavement along with his other New York theater friends — like Oscar Isaac, who met Pascal doing an Off Broadway play. They became fast, lifelong friends, bonding over their shared passions and frustrations as actors.

“It’s gotten better, but at that point, it was so easy to be pigeonholed in very specific roles because we’re Latinos,” says Isaac. “It’s like, how many gang member roles am I going to be sent?” As with so many actors, the dream Pascal and Isaac shared to live the stories of their childhoods had been stripped down to its most basic utility. “The dream was to be able to pay rent,” says Isaac. “There wasn’t a strategy. We were just struggling. It was talking about how to do this thing that we both love but seems kind of insurmountable.”

As with so few actors, that dream was finally rekindled through sheer nerve and the luck of who you know, when another lifelong friend, actor Sarah Paulson, agreed to pass along Pascal’s audition for Oberyn Martell to her best friend Amanda Peet, who is married to “Game of Thrones” co-showrunner David Benioff.

“First of all, it was an iPhone selfie audition, which was unusual,” Benioff remembers over email. “And this wasn’t one of the new-fangled iPhones with the fancy cameras. It looked like s—; it was shot vertical; the whole thing was very amateurish. Except for the performance, which was intense and believable and just right.”

Before Pascal knew it, he found himself in Belfast, sitting inside the Great Hall of the Red Keep as one of the judges at Tyrion Lannister’s trial for the murder of King Joffrey. “I was between Charles Dance and Lena Headey, with a view of the entire f—ing set,” Pascal says, his eyes wide and astonished still at the memory. “I couldn’t believe I didn’t have an uncomfortable costume on. You know, I got to sit — and with this view.” He sighs. “It strangely aligned itself with the kind of thinking I was developing as a child that, at that point, I was convinced was not happening.”

And then it all started to happen.

In early 2018, while Pascal was in Hawaii preparing to make the Netflix thriller “Triple Frontier” — opposite his old friend Isaac — he got a call from the film’s producer Charles Roven, who told him Patty Jenkins wanted to meet with him in London to discuss a role in another film Roven was producing, “Wonder Woman 1984.”

“It was a f—ing offer,” Pascal says in an incredulous whisper. “I wasn’t really grasping that Patty wanted to talk to me about a part that I was going to play, not a part that I needed to get. I wasn’t able to totally accept that.”

Pascal had actually shot a TV pilot with Jenkins that wasn’t picked up, made right before his life-changing run on “Game of Thrones” aired. “I got to work with Patty for three days or something and then thought I’d never see her again,” he says. “I didn’t even know she remembered me from that.”

She did. “I worked with him, so I knew him,” she says. “I didn’t need him to prove anything for me. I just loved the idea of him, and I thought he would be kind of unexpected, because he doesn’t scream ‘villain.'”

In Jenkins’ vision, Max Lord — a longstanding DC Comics rogue who shares a particularly tangled history with Wonder Woman — is a slick, self-styled tycoon with a knack for manipulation and an undercurrent of genuine pathos. It was the kind of larger-than-life character Pascal had never been asked to tackle before, so he did something equally unorthodox: He transformed his script into a kind of pop-art scrapbook, filled with blown-up photocopies of Max Lord from the comic books that Pascal then manipulated through his lens on the character.

Even the few pages Pascal flashes to me over Zoom are quite revealing. One, featuring Max sporting a power suit and a smarmy grin, has several burned-out holes, including through the character’s eye. Another page features Max surrounded by text bubbles into which Pascal has written, over and over and over again in itty-bitty lettering, “You are a f—ing piece of s—.”

“I felt like I had wake myself up again in a big way,” he says. “This was just a practical way of, like, instead of going home tired and putting Netflix on, [I would] actually deal with this physical thing, doodle and think about it and run it.”

Jenkins is so bullish on Pascal’s performance that she thinks it could explode his career in the same way her 2003 film “Monster” forever changed how the industry saw Charlize Theron. “I would never cast him as just the stoic, quiet guy,” Jenkins says. “I almost think he’s unrecognizable from ‘Narcos’ to ‘Wonder Woman.’ Wouldn’t even know that was the same guy. But I think that may change.”

When people can see “Wonder Woman 1984” remains caught in the chaos the pandemic has wreaked on the industry; both Pascal and Jenkins are hopeful the Dec. 25 release date will stick, but neither is terribly sure it will. Perhaps it’s because of that uncertainty, perhaps it’s because he’s spent his life on the outside of a dream he’s now suddenly living, but Pascal does not share Jenkins’ optimism that his experience making “Wonder Woman 1984” will open doors to more opportunities like it.

“It will never happen again,” Pascal says, once more in that incredulous whisper. “It felt so special.”

After all he’s done in a few short years, why wouldn’t Pascal think more roles like this are on his horizon?

“I don’t know!” he finally says with a playful — and pointed — howl. “I’m protecting myself psychologically! It’s just all too good to be true! How dare I!”

[sardix]

A theory about the puzlevision arc and smg4 (also angst) "the guilt that hounts us every day but not as much as mine"

(i did not have an idea for a better title, if you do tell me pls)

A lot of people guestion why mr. Puzzle was so obsesed with smg4 as in when singing the one put on strings is smg4 and when he wants to call His miniony he says "smg4 and my minions come here".

He sees smg4 as a higher being that he has to respect or is the most important to him why?

Becouse mr. Puzzle and smg4 are the ONLY characters to be anble to break the 4th wall (not even mario can see it, that's why he acted normaly when he was put out into the fourth wall by mr. Puzzle)

And it only means one thing smg4 can control the word like mr.puzzle or similarly in a way since canonicly this world is created by Luke for entertainment and smg4 is a representation of Luke in that world

And that's maybe why he i so mad at mr.puzzle (oder then the fact that he made him an antagonist and hurt his friends) becouse the moment he showed up smg4 started losing his control on the world and it's events

(AND that is also why in every movie in the puzlevision saga (exept WOTFI 2023) smg4 is undercontrol and he has his memories mixed up and etc.)

And dum dum dum (dramatical effect~)

It mean that MAYBE smg4 could have had power over all the events and deaths(or he just has some sort of world/creation powers that's why he can break the fourth wall and teleport othe cast members with a g-mod gun and he can just afect smally the world)

maybe in the begining he did it all for content but then he got conected emotionaly to others and he probably stoped all the bad stuff hapening (if that would be canon then probably after the first major character death, which would be destii (idk how to spell her name))

But he still has control and he what? let the bad stuff hapen for content? And just used powers and fought when it was gething to much or it was out of his control(the puzzlevision arc) mqking sure that it won't get too far

OR he's powers have limit and that's why he can't stop some of the stuff hapening.(which is more likely)

BUT would that stop smg4 from blaming himself like a LOT?

No of course not, smg4 is the type to act happy all the time and hide his emotions and if he acually has any control over the world which would explain why mr.puzzle was so focused on smg4 ,i mean he started from first manipulating smg4 into buing that cursed keyboard, to take control over smg4.

And oh boy was smg4 mad at him. You can clirly see it when he hits the tv head with the malet. (THE RAGE, THE ANGER)

Also the fact that smg4 was the ONLY to break from mr.puzzles grasp when the stars droped just a tiny bit(not counting mario, since he is the avatar of the world), you could say it's becouse he is a meme guardian but smg3 didn't break from the control and smg3 CANOT break the 4-th wall

Sumarizing smg4 is probably so guilty and honesly I have a fealing he just keeps on going to make sure his friends are okay and to at least try protecting them.(as in not kiling himself or hurting himself or stoping living in general as in closing himself in four walls away from the world)

Becouse in his eyes "It's all my foult" I would not be suprised if he still closes himself in his room (now more rerlly since the others would be woried of him gething "crazy" again) and just siting in a dark room fully filled with guilt.with no one but himself to blame... he probably also believes that if the others found out they would hate him and leave him all alone.(that's why he will never tell them. Dosn't mean they won't find out but unless mr. Puzzles shows back up pissed of sooooo much that he tells the rest of cast "SMG4'S BIGGEST SECRET" they probably will not find out)

(And honesly I would feal shitty as well if I found out that my friend that i care about went thru a literal loop of death(meggy) and that if just was a litle smarter and more countious i could have used my powers and prevent this tragedy which kinda would be out of his control but it's smg4 we are talking about so obiously he would still blame himself like a LOT aka depresion and a lot PTSD and a lot of other stiff but i have no idea how to name! :,) )

But who knows you can take it to you're own thoughts becouse smg4 might as well done all of that stuff on purpose and he was so mad at mr.puzzle becouse he took away the control powers from smg4. (Which I do not think is the case becouse smg4 shows to acually care for his crew)

So yeach smg4 is not having a fun time and this can be really well used for angst i feal like for a fic or a comic, drawing ect.

(The idea that you have no control over you're own life and you're just a pupet just like in the song mr.puzzle sang)

Anyways would love to hear you're thoughts on the theory and ideas ect. And if I made any mistakes (gramatocal or lore) then please write a coment and I will corect it

And remember that it's just a therory....

AN SMG4 THEORY

Goodnight

( @mistyhasbraindamage hoped it helped and gave you some cool idea :) )

i need ideas for SMG4 angst >:) gimme some of u want idk

[aelaer]

First: welcome home & I hope you get the sleep you need to get back into your routines! Second: it's Feb. 2, a significant day to our beloved Stephen Strange. I know you're exhausted right now, and the timing is poor--but perhaps when you're up to, you could write a little one-shot about his feelings all these years later (is it 2022 or 2023?) on the anniversary of the accident that changed his life forever. Can't think of anyone better suited to write it! xx

This was sent a year ago but last month I planned to have it out for Feb 2nd, hah.

For canon, he comes back in 2023 in what I think was likely after Feb 2nd, so realistically he can address the anniversary again in 2024. It'd feel like only 3 years for him while, in actuality, it'd been 8. But when it comes to his experienced time versus actual passing time, Stephen's pretty messed up without the Decimation already (I'm not sure how I feel about the name of the "Blip" yet.)

The prompter also requested first person after I asked for more details, and I haven't ever written Stephen in first person so I thought I'd give it a go. I know first person isn't everyone's cup of tea, but if you're willing to give it a shot, call me very obliged.

Warning for canon compliance :P

——————

Staring Back In Time Rating: G (well, other than language)

An entry from the memoirs of Doctor Stephen Strange, Earth's Sorcerer Supreme, during his time as the Master of the New York Sanctum, several months after the Battle of Earth against Thanos:

February 2, 2024

Calendars don't mean as much as they used to. Once upon a time my life was ruled by the calendar. Consultation here, surgery there, society dinner over the weekend. Dates were important and generally set without change once marked down.

It doesn't work that way as a sorcerer. I keep a schedule, of course, one that marks down classes with apprentices and adepts and meetings with other Masters, never mind all the business outside of Kamar-Taj. But I learned early on that these set times shifted occasionally to accommodate the emergencies that the order often had to quash down, and it became obvious that as a Master, my schedule was more of a hopeful guideline than anything set in stone. Flexibility was a necessity.

Ever since my return to the living, keeping anything resembling a set schedule has been more of a laughable dream. Earth being the center of two universe-changing, Infinity Stone-powered events in a matter of hours did serious damage to the fabric woven about reality across the planet, and the Masters of the Mystic Arts are going to be dealing with the multidimensional repercussions for years to come. Nothing is predictable in my day-to-day anymore.

My relationship with time was fucked the moment I confronted Dormammu, so I can't say it's a large surprise that calendars have become mostly irrelevant.

If someone had told me that I, Doctor Stephen Strange, a man of order and precision, would learn to live with such unpredictability, I would have laughed in their face. But I'm not the man I once was (and thank God for that; that man was a dick). However, it's also because of this change that I didn't realize the day until it was nearly done.

I was reviewing my schedule for tomorrow, which I had set up on Google Calendar (Google had, naturally, survived the Decimation just fine, but like most other non-vital services, had many of their upcoming products delayed for years. But their email and calendar services continue to work great). Tomorrow's a Saturday, which means nothing in my world. My work continues on. The threats on our reality care little for weekends or holidays.

Still, it was only during this review, shortly before I planned to retire for the night, that I realized that today is February 2nd.

I won't ever forget the day, of course. It was both three years ago and eight years ago—or perhaps many lifetimes ago would be a more accurate description, though I lost track of time in both of my major journeys with the Time Stone. One day I'll write about them. Not now, but one day. Both memories are still too fresh.

The memory of the day of the accident, though? It feels both like yesterday and centuries ago. Some parts of the day are engraved in my memory like a film. I remember the last surgery down to the individual conversations. Christine's "thank you". Nick's watch. The cling of the bullet as I dropped it onto the tray.

I can remember my last conversation with Billy, too, in the car. Every damned word. But the drive itself is fuzzy, even in my head with my memory. I remember it began to rain during the drive, not beforehand, and I know the road was narrow and two-laned. I know I avoided a direct route to avoid traffic, driving first into Jersey before heading north and crossing the river again. But the rest is forgotten to time, or perhaps to trauma.

I was told that Billy was the first to call 9-1-1 as he heard the tearing of metal and shattering of glass before the connection was lost. The driver I hit—I learned much later that she escaped with only minor injuries—called a couple minutes later. But it was out in the mountains, dark, and raining. It took them hours to find me and extract me from the car.

Funny. Never thought I'd ever write about one of the worst days of my life like this. But I was told early on that personal journals were encouraged for all who stay in Kamar-Taj. Something about its therapeutic benefits was mentioned at some point. I only picked up the practice once I learned that each gifted journal was inaccessible to others until the time of their death, and after I mastered the art of enchanting a pen to write the words I spoke. Unfortunately this journal appeared to others after the Decimation, but Wong has reassured me that no one read it and it has since disappeared again from public view. 

Still, the point is that, one day, someone just might read this—account of a man who was part of an effort to save the universe. And it is difficult for a reader to judge my actions if they don't know how I was the one who ruined my life. My driving was reckless and stupid. I was running a little late, but it wouldn't have mattered in the long run had I been fifteen, twenty minutes, thirty minutes late. Not really.

Then again, I suppose it would have. I certainly wouldn't be here right now.

One could say that the accident and everything that has followed is some sort of penance for my hubris as a surgeon. I enjoy my newer abilities—quite a bit—but the responsibility that has come with them has not come without its own hardships and sacrifices. Perhaps the worst of the sacrifices were the ones I was unable to prevent others from performing, all for the sake of the universe.

Those sacrifices were made willingly, but I cannot help but feel responsible for them, regardless. 

During my first winter again returned to the living, when the days grew colder and my hands ached in the bad weather, and the only thoughts to accompany the pain were bitter, another thought was born. I was tempted, for the first time in a long time, to give it all up, restore my fine motor skills with channeled magic, and go back to the world I once knew, for a life much, much easier than this one is now. Even with all the troubles that had cropped up as people tried to reorganize a world that doubled in size overnight, it was miles away from the difficulties we were facing in Kamar-Taj.

Their sacrifices—the fates I pushed so many people towards—quelled the idea quickly. It did little to ease the physical pain or sting of guilt, but it lifted the temptation. And ever since that day, I have considered the situation and I don't think I will ever be tempted by the idea of giving up my duties for an easier, pain-free life again.

And I suppose that counts for something.

——————

(Hey look, my interest in geography's leaked again.)

I've always wondered where Stephen actually crashed mostly because New York City is *flat* and those mountains were *very much not flat*. I figured out the bridge that he crossed to get out of the city (there are like, 21 bridges that lead out of Manhattan) was the George Washington Bridge, and it leads to New Jersey—but that's not necessarily useful because it can quickly turn back into New York state if you turn north. We also know he crashed down into a body of water, which *might* be the Hudson, but also might not, but that the body of water is to his left, which narrows it down a bit. But again, not much. And the site of his crash is so dark in the videos and screenshots that I can barely tell what's on it. It looks like a bridge and some industrial building, so the Hudson's a good guess, but otherwise? Well, basically I turned on the topography part of Google maps and started searching.

The 202 on the east side of the river just north of Peekskill (again in New York) matches the movie road's windiness, height, and closeness to the river, and even has a bridge that could be just to the north of the crash site. Unfortunately the railing's off and there's no industrial building thingy by the bridge. It also makes the route out of the city via George Washington Bridge make no sense. Like the Stark Industries area in LA in the films, it's probably a completely fictional landscape.

But as I wasn't able to find a better locale that was still close enough to NYC to direct an emergency helicopter to, my headcanon for this scene is that he left via George Washington bridge to avoid some major traffic or something, crossed the river via the 287 a bit further up north to get back to the east side of the river, then went up the 9 to the 202. Unless someone who lives in the area can find the actual road he was driving (if it's real), this is what I'm gonna go with. (And if someone DOES please let me knowwwww). Funny enough, I don't see him getting led to *his* hospital totally unrealistic, because he'd need a very talented orthopedic surgeon with a specialty in hands to come in, and generally speaking a patient can be helicoptered to another hospital where such a surgeon is available. If Stephen is working at the Metro-General, it's likely they can afford a large cast of talented surgeons. So I don't think Nick was necessarily the lead surgeon in his case, just one of many necessary surgeons.

[leepace71]

When Pedro Pascal was roughly 4 years old, he and his family went to see the 1978 hit movie “Superman,” starring Christopher Reeve. Pascal’s young parents had come to live in San Antonio after fleeing their native Chile during the rise of dictator Augusto Pinochet in the mid-1970s. Taking Pascal and his older sister to the movies — sometimes more than once a week — had become a kind of family ritual, a way to soak up as much American pop culture as possible.At some point during this particular visit, Pascal needed to go to the bathroom, and his parents let him go by himself. “I didn’t really know how to read yet,” Pascal says with the same Cheshire grin that dazzled “Game of Thrones” fans during his run as the wily (and doomed) Oberyn Martel. “I did not find my way back to ‘Superman.'”

Instead, Pascal wandered into a different theater (he thinks it was showing the 1979 domestic drama “Kramer vs. Kramer,” but, again, he was 4). In his shock and bewilderment at being lost, he curled up into an open seat and fell asleep. When he woke up, the movie was over, the theater was empty, and his parents were standing over him. To his surprise, they seemed rather calm, but another detail sticks out even more.

“I know that they finished their movie,” he says, bending over in laughter. “My sister was trying to get a rise out of me by telling me, ‘This happened and that happened and then Superman did this and then, you know, the earthquake and spinning around the planet.'” In the face of such relentless sibling mockery, Pascal did the only logical thing: “I said, ‘All that happened in my movie too.'”

He had no way of knowing it at the time, of course, but some 40 years later, Pascal would in fact get the chance to star in a movie alongside a DC Comics superhero — not to mention battle Stormtroopers and, er, face off against the most formidable warrior in Westeros. After his breakout on “Game of Thrones,” he became an instant get-me-that-guy sensation, mostly as headstrong, taciturn men of action — from chasing drug traffickers in Colombia for three seasons on Netflix’s “Narcos” to squaring off against Denzel Washington in “The Equalizer 2.”

This year, though, Pascal finds himself poised for the kind of marquee career he’s spent a lifetime dreaming about. On Oct. 30, he’ll return for Season 2 as the title star of “The Mandalorian,” Lucasfilm’s light-speed hit “Star Wars” series for Disney Plus that earned 15 Emmy nominations, including best drama, in its first season. And then on Dec. 25 — COVID-19 depending — he’ll play the slippery comic book villain Maxwell Lord opposite Gal Gadot, Chris Pine and Kristen Wiig in “Wonder Woman 1984.”

The roles are at once wildly divergent and the best showcase yet for Pascal’s elastic talents. In “The Mandalorian,” he must hide his face — and, in some episodes, his whole body — in a performance that pushes minimalism and restraint to an almost ascetic ideal. In “Wonder Woman 1984,” by stark contrast, he is delivering the kind of big, broad bad-guy character that populated the 1980s popcorn spectaculars of his youth.

“I continually am so surprised when everybody pegs him as such a serious guy,” says “Wonder Woman 1984” director Patty Jenkins. “I have to say, Pedro is one of the most appealing people I have known. He instantly becomes someone that everybody invites over and you want to have around and you want to talk to.”

Talk with Pascal for just five minutes — even when he’s stuck in his car because he ran out of time running errands before his flight to make it to the set of a Nicolas Cage movie in Budapest — and you get an immediate sense of what Jenkins is talking about. Before our interview really starts, Pascal points out, via Zoom, that my dog is licking his nether regions in the background. “Don’t stop him!” he says with an almost naughty reproach. “Let him live his life!”

Over our three such conversations, it’s also clear that Pascal’s great good humor and charm have been at once ballast for a number of striking hardships, and a bulwark that makes his hard-won success a challenge for him to fully accept.

Before Pascal knew anything about “The Mandalorian,” its showrunner and executive producer Jon Favreau knew he wanted Pascal to star in it.

“He feels very much like a classic movie star in his charm and his delivery,” says Favreau. “And he’s somebody who takes his craft very seriously.” Favreau felt Pascal had the presence and skill essential to deliver a character — named Din Djarin, but mostly called Mando — who spends virtually every second of his time on screen wearing a helmet, part of the sacrosanct creed of the Mandalorian order.

Convincing any actor to hide their face for the run of a series can be as precarious as escaping a Sarlacc pit. To win Pascal over in their initial meeting, Favreau brought him behind the “Mandalorian” curtain, into a conference room papered with storyboards covering the arc of the first season. “When he walked in, it must have felt a little surreal,” Favreau says. “You know, most of your experiences as an actor, people are kicking the tires to see if it’s a good fit. But in this case, everything was locked and loaded.”

Needless to say, it worked. “I hope this doesn’t sound like me fashioning myself like I’m, you know, so smart, but I agreed to do this [show] because the impression I had when I had my first meeting was that this is the next big s—,” Pascal says with a laugh.

Favreau’s determination to cast Pascal, however, put the actor in a tricky situation: Pascal’s own commitments to make “Wonder Woman 1984” in London and to perform in a Broadway run of “King Lear” with Glenda Jackson barreled right into the production schedule for “The Mandalorian.” Some scenes on the show, and in at least one case a full episode, would need to lean on the anonymity of the title character more than anyone had quite planned, with two stunt performers — Brendan Wayne and Lateef Crowder — playing Mando on set and Pascal dubbing in the dialogue months later.

Pascal was already being asked to smother one of his best tools as an actor, extraordinarily uncommon for anyone shouldering the newest iteration of a global live-action franchise. (Imagine Robert Downey Jr. only playing Iron Man while wearing a mask — you can’t!) Now he had to hand over control of Mando’s body to other performers too. Some actors would have walked away. Pascal didn’t.

“If there were more than just a couple of pages of a one-on-one scene, I did feel uneasy about not, in some instances, being able to totally author that,” he says. “But it was so easy in such a sort of practical and unexciting way for it to be up to them. When you’re dealing with a franchise as large as this, you are such a passenger to however they’re going to carve it out. It’s just so specific. It’s ‘Star Wars.'” (For Season 2, Pascal says he was on the set far more, though he still sat out many of Mando’s stunts.)

“The Mandalorian” was indeed the next big s—, helping to catapult the launch of Disney Plus to 26.5 million subscribers in its first six weeks. With the “Star Wars” movies frozen in carbonite until 2023 (at least), I noted offhand that he’s now effectively the face of one of the biggest pop-culture franchises in the world. Pascal could barely suppress rolling his eyes.

“I mean, come on, there isn’t a face!” he says with a laugh that feels maybe a little forced. “If you want to say, ‘You’re the silhouette’ — which is also a team effort — then, yeah.” He pauses. “Can we just cut the s— and talk about the Child?”

Yes, of course, the Child — or, as the rest of the galaxy calls it, Baby Yoda. Pascal first saw the incandescently cute creature during his download of “Mandalorian” storyboards in that initial meeting with Favreau. “Literally, my eyes following left to right, up and down, and, boom, Baby Yoda close to the end of the first episode,” he says. “That was when I was like, ‘Oh, yep, that’s a winner!'”

Baby Yoda is undeniably the breakout star of “The Mandalorian,” inspiring infinite memes and apocryphal basketball game sightings. But the show wouldn’t work if audiences weren’t invested in Mando’s evolving emotional connection to the wee scene stealer, something Favreau says Pascal understood from the jump. “He’s tracking the arc of that relationship,” says the showrunner. “His insight has made us rethink moments over the course of the show.” (As with all things “Star Wars,” questions about specifics are deflected in deference to the all-powerful Galactic Order of Spoilers.)

Even if Pascal couldn’t always be inside Mando’s body, he never left the character’s head, always aware of how this orphaned bounty hunter who caroms from planet to planet would look askance at anything that felt too good (or too adorable) to be true.

“The transience is something that I’m incredibly familiar with, you know?” Pascal says. “Understanding the opportunity for complexity under all of the armor was not hard for me.”

When Pascal was 4 months old, his parents had to leave him and his sister with their aunt, so they could go into hiding to avoid capture during Pinochet’s crackdown against his opposition. After six months, they finally managed to climb the walls of the Venezuelan embassy during a shift change and claim asylum; from there, the family relocated, first to Denmark, then to San Antonio, where Pascal’s father got a job as a physician.

Pascal was too young to remember any of this, and for a healthy stretch of his childhood, his complicated Chilean heritage sat in parallel to his life in the U.S. — separate tracks, equally important, never quite intersecting. By the time Pascal was 8, his family was able to take regular trips back to Chile to visit with his 34 first cousins. But he doesn’t remember really talking about any of his time there all that much with his American friends.

“I remember at one point not even realizing that my parents had accents until a friend was like, ‘Why does your mom talk like that?'” Pascal says. “And I remember thinking, like what?”

Besides, he loved his life in San Antonio. His father took him and his sister to Spurs basketball games during the week if their homework was done. He hoodwinked his mother into letting him see “Poltergeist” at the local multiplex. He watched just about anything on cable; the HBO special of Whoopi Goldberg’s one-woman Broadway show knocked him flat. He remembers seeing Henry Thomas in “E.T.” and Christian Bale in “Empire of the Sun” and wishing ardently, urgently, I want to live those stories too.

Then his father got a job in Orange County, Calif. After Pascal finished the fifth grade, they moved there. It was a shock. “There were two really, really rough years,” he says. “A lot of bullying.”

His mother found him a nascent performing arts high school in the area, and Pascal burrowed even further into his obsessions, devouring any play or movie he could get his hands on. His senior year, a friend of his mother’s gave Pascal her ticket to a long two-part play running in downtown Los Angeles that her bad back couldn’t withstand. He got out of school early to drive there by himself. It was the pre-Broadway run of “Angels in America.”

“And it changed me,” he says with almost religious awe. “It changed me.”

After studying acting at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, Pascal booked a succession of solid gigs, like MTV’s “Undressed” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” But the sudden death of his mother — who’d only just been permitted to move back to Chile a few years earlier — took the wind right from Pascal’s sails. He lost his agent, and his career stalled almost completely.

As a tribute to her, he decided to change his professional last name from Balmaceda, his father’s, to Pascal, his mother’s. “And also, because Americans had such a hard time pronouncing Balmaceda,” he says. “It was exhausting.”

Pascal even tried swapping out Pedro for Alexander (an homage to Ingmar Bergman’s “Fanny and Alexander,” one of the formative films of his youth). “I was willing to do absolutely anything to work more,” he says. “And that meant if people felt confused by who they were looking at in the casting room because his first name was Pedro, then I’ll change that. It didn’t work.”

It was a desperately lean time for Pascal. He booked an occasional “Law & Order” episode, but mostly he was pounding the pavement along with his other New York theater friends — like Oscar Isaac, who met Pascal doing an Off Broadway play. They became fast, lifelong friends, bonding over their shared passions and frustrations as actors.

“It’s gotten better, but at that point, it was so easy to be pigeonholed in very specific roles because we’re Latinos,” says Isaac. “It’s like, how many gang member roles am I going to be sent?” As with so many actors, the dream Pascal and Isaac shared to live the stories of their childhoods had been stripped down to its most basic utility. “The dream was to be able to pay rent,” says Isaac. “There wasn’t a strategy. We were just struggling. It was talking about how to do this thing that we both love but seems kind of insurmountable.”

As with so few actors, that dream was finally rekindled through sheer nerve and the luck of who you know, when another lifelong friend, actor Sarah Paulson, agreed to pass along Pascal’s audition for Oberyn Martell to her best friend Amanda Peet, who is married to “Game of Thrones” co-showrunner David Benioff.

“First of all, it was an iPhone selfie audition, which was unusual,” Benioff remembers over email. “And this wasn’t one of the new-fangled iPhones with the fancy cameras. It looked like s—; it was shot vertical; the whole thing was very amateurish. Except for the performance, which was intense and believable and just right.”

Before Pascal knew it, he found himself in Belfast, sitting inside the Great Hall of the Red Keep as one of the judges at Tyrion Lannister’s trial for the murder of King Joffrey. “I was between Charles Dance and Lena Headey, with a view of the entire f—ing set,” Pascal says, his eyes wide and astonished still at the memory. “I couldn’t believe I didn’t have an uncomfortable costume on. You know, I got to sit — and with this view.” He sighs. “It strangely aligned itself with the kind of thinking I was developing as a child that, at that point, I was convinced was not happening.”

And then it all started to happen.

In early 2018, while Pascal was in Hawaii preparing to make the Netflix thriller “Triple Frontier” — opposite his old friend Isaac — he got a call from the film’s producer Charles Roven, who told him Patty Jenkins wanted to meet with him in London to discuss a role in another film Roven was producing, “Wonder Woman 1984.”

“It was a f—ing offer,” Pascal says in an incredulous whisper. “I wasn’t really grasping that Patty wanted to talk to me about a part that I was going to play, not a part that I needed to get. I wasn’t able to totally accept that.”

Pascal had actually shot a TV pilot with Jenkins that wasn’t picked up, made right before his life-changing run on “Game of Thrones” aired. “I got to work with Patty for three days or something and then thought I’d never see her again,” he says. “I didn’t even know she remembered me from that.”

She did. “I worked with him, so I knew him,” she says. “I didn’t need him to prove anything for me. I just loved the idea of him, and I thought he would be kind of unexpected, because he doesn’t scream ‘villain.'”

In Jenkins’ vision, Max Lord — a longstanding DC Comics rogue who shares a particularly tangled history with Wonder Woman — is a slick, self-styled tycoon with a knack for manipulation and an undercurrent of genuine pathos. It was the kind of larger-than-life character Pascal had never been asked to tackle before, so he did something equally unorthodox: He transformed his script into a kind of pop-art scrapbook, filled with blown-up photocopies of Max Lord from the comic books that Pascal then manipulated through his lens on the character.

Even the few pages Pascal flashes to me over Zoom are quite revealing. One, featuring Max sporting a power suit and a smarmy grin, has several burned-out holes, including through the character’s eye. Another page features Max surrounded by text bubbles into which Pascal has written, over and over and over again in itty-bitty lettering, “You are a f—ing piece of s—.”

“I felt like I had wake myself up again in a big way,” he says. “This was just a practical way of, like, instead of going home tired and putting Netflix on, [I would] actually deal with this physical thing, doodle and think about it and run it.”

Jenkins is so bullish on Pascal’s performance that she thinks it could explode his career in the same way her 2003 film “Monster” forever changed how the industry saw Charlize Theron. “I would never cast him as just the stoic, quiet guy,” Jenkins says. “I almost think he’s unrecognizable from ‘Narcos’ to ‘Wonder Woman.’ Wouldn’t even know that was the same guy. But I think that may change.”

When people can see “Wonder Woman 1984” remains caught in the chaos the pandemic has wreaked on the industry; both Pascal and Jenkins are hopeful the Dec. 25 release date will stick, but neither is terribly sure it will. Perhaps it’s because of that uncertainty, perhaps it’s because he’s spent his life on the outside of a dream he’s now suddenly living, but Pascal does not share Jenkins’ optimism that his experience making “Wonder Woman 1984” will open doors to more opportunities like it.

“It will never happen again,” Pascal says, once more in that incredulous whisper. “It felt so special.”

After all he’s done in a few short years, why wouldn’t Pascal think more roles like this are on his horizon?

“I don’t know!” he finally says with a playful — and pointed — howl. “I’m protecting myself psychologically! It’s just all too good to be true! How dare I!”

x

[marvel-writer]

Holding on, Letting go - Steve Rogers. Part 2.

Holding on, Letting go - Steve Rogers. Part 2.

Holding on, and letting go. - Steve Rogers.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader.

Time Set: 2023, After Thanos’ death.

Summary: You were always close to the infamous Captain America, as being a member of the Avenger team since the alien attack in New York. So after defeating Thanos’, losing Tony and Natasha.

You realize that you also were going to lose your first true love – Steve Rogers, to his only love – Peggy Carter. Since he was due to return to her on his mission to out the stones back.

Word Count: 1,606

Warnings: Sadness, Screaming, Language, Fluff.

Abbreviations: (Y/F/N) = Your First Name, (Y/L/N) = Your Last Name, (H/L) Your Hair Length, (H/C) = Your Hair Color, (Y/N/N) = Your Nickname.

If you haven't, read part one here! 

https://marvel-writer.tumblr.com/post/190437381779/holding-on-letting-go-steve-rogers-part-1

__________________________________________

     The rest of that day was a blur, Bucky escorted you back to the living section of the newly built compound as the two of you had dinner with whoever was left of The Avengers. You really tried to eat but you just picked at your food instead, Thor tried to make you laugh, his normal routine of puns and jokes just didn’t work as much he had hoped. Morgan, however, sat on your lap to try and comfort you.

You excused yourself as you walked into the training room, the room of chatting Avengers fell quiet. All eyes watched in ache for you as you made your exit.

All you felt at this point was numbness and you wanted to feel nothing. You laid into the punching bag, blow after blow to lash out your feelings. Each punch that landed had more force because it had a flashback to a memory of Steve and you.

|

     The flashbacks including the first time you met, to your first mission together, then all of the movie nights, dinner with your (then) whole family, being reminded of your shared remarks about Tony, the night dancing in the rain and finally your goodbye to him. Man - oh man, did those memories hit your emotional cycle like a train-wreck.

Your final punch colliding with the bag as you screamed in exhaustion, your body collapsing on your knees as you just sat there in that position crying out in pain.

Pepper must have heard you and sat beside you at some point in your breakdown because all you felt was her arms wrapping around you to try and calm you down.

“It’s okay (Y/F/N), I’m right here.” Pepper rambled, that was when F.R.I.D.A.Y had came over the speaker system in the training room. “Pepper, it appears to all health systems that Ms. (Y/L/N) is in the middle of a Panic Attack.” The A.I. stated.

|

     Pepper yelled out for help, Bucky and Sam coming in as they ran to your now exhausted body. Although your screams had stopped, the Panic Attack was still happening. At that point, you didn’t have any strength left to scream.

Bucky carried you to your bedroom, Sam following as Bruce walked in. He didn’t see a need to give you a calming sedative, because you were practically falling asleep. Bruce just ordered for all of them to keep an eye on you, watching you lay in rest mode

That was the last memory of that dreadful night, in the morning the healing and recovery process would begin.

_______________________________________

~ A side conversation ~

______________________________________

     Bucky had sat down at the round table with Pepper, the two speaking over a cup of Brandy as the events that day had been uneventful.

Bucky sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he had taken a drink. Pepper watching him as she shifted in her seat.

“Speak what’s on your mind, Barnes.” Pepper had spoken softly, her finger tracing the rim of the glass.

“I just, I always knew if Rogers had the chance to go back to Peggy that he would take it. At least I knew back then, you noticed how close he and (Y/N) had gotten though. I figured maybe he finally moved on, found a better option.” Bucky muttered, shaking his friend.

|

      Pepper watched him, taking a breath as she nodded her head in agreement.

“Oh trust me, Tony did nothing but annoy Steve when it came to her. Whenever she left the room it was practically set in stone, on what conversation topic he had chosen to throw on Steve.” Pepper stated, her lips turning into a sad smile as she remembered her love.

“I should be mad that he left me, after all the bullshit we went through. Instead, I’m angry and disappointed on how he treated her, that girl in there has done the most for him in eleven years. Steve threw it all away, wrecking a marriage in the process.” Bucky muttered bin annoyance, referring to how Peggy had been married with kids when Steve was in the ice.

|

“Can’t fix stupid Buck, trust me I tried to do that for the entire life span that I knew Tony.” Pepper remarked jokingly, a sad yet memorial laugh leaving her lips.

Bucky chuckled, clinking his glass against Peppers’ as the two shared a drink before both heading to sleep.

__________________________________________

~ The Following Day. ~

__________________________________________

      You woke up, your exhaustion still rested heavy on your chest. However, you needed to be okay. Even though Thanos’ was gone, danger still existed.

Your eyes glancing around the room, a passed out Sam had been asleep. A small sigh of sadness leaving your lips as you saw the man’s body in what seemed to be an uncomfortable position in the corner of the room on your sofa chair.

“Wilson, wake up.” You called out softly, he didn’t move.

So for your entertainment, you threw a pillow at him. Your aim was still good, as it collided with his face and caused him to wake up in combat mode.

“The hell?” Wilson grumbled a soft laugh had escaped from your mouth.

It was genuine, a real laugh. This made Sam forget that you just decided to soft blow him one, he smiled instantly. You innocently smiled as your mind convinced your body to move up and away from the bed.

|

     “I tried waking you up, have you been there all night?” You questioned, walking over as you offered him a hand.

Sam chuckled, his hand taking grasp of yours as he stood up. The body that he owned towered over you as he rubbed his face, shaking his head to your question.

“Bucky was here throughout the night, took me an hour to convince him to sleep,” Sam stated, which made you feel like complete shit.

“I’m sorry, I acted out irrationally last night.” Your voice trailed off as Sam pulled you in for a hug. You didn’t fight it, in fact, you fully embraced it.

“You had a shit ass day, (Y/N/N). It wasn’t irrational for you to lash out the way you did. We’re just all glad that you’re okay.” Sam stated You smiled small. The two of you staying in limbo before he pulled away from you.

|

     “Right well, get dressed. Breakfast is smelling heavenly and we should get there before Thor takes too much advantage.” Sam ordered a smile on his face.

“Yes Sir, I’ll be down.” You said, saluting the man as he chuckled. He rubbed your (H/L) (H/C) hair before making his way out.

You might have lost the man of your dreams, but at least you still have the majority of your team to pick you up when you crash too hard.

So you took a shower, grabbing the black jeans with your red tank top and a blue flannel shirt. Your hair back as you made your way down to the kitchen.

|

     Sam was right, it smelled heavenly because it was. The menu held of eggs, bacon, toast, and fruit galore sat on the table. The entire group sitting down as they were eating, you sat beside Bucky as your head rested on his bionic arm.

“Thank you for being here for me Buck, I forgot to even check on you.” You whispered so only his ears would hear.

“I’ll be okay, so will you Love Bug,” Bucky said, kissing the top of your head as you began having conversations with the others.

They clued you in how it would be a busy day because they planned to take you out and just have a day with you.

|

     This day had included everything, from Arcade games in the compound to going to the local bar to relax and have a few drinks.

The day was fun, from start to end, your day concluding at the bar had ended perfectly. You took shots with the crew, played pool with Sam, Bucky, and Clint. Watching the guys along with Thor and Bruce chug some ale. Then Wanda, Pepper, Carol and you sang to some old hits from the ’90s.

Finally, it ended with you getting a dance from Barnes himself. The two just swaying to the music as you finally had gotten the chance to be happy, and it was all thanks to the amazing family you had come to love over the years.

Little did you know, going home was going to ruin your night.

___________________________________________

~Arriving back at the compound. ~

___________________________________________

     F.R.I.D.A.Y. was instructed that the lights were to be manually turned on and off. It felt good to have at least that much normal in a smart house.

So you headed inside, following close behind Bucky because you needed to change out of the clothes you were wearing into your soft pajama set. The others were not too far back, making their way towards the home.

Bucky had flicked the lights on, his eyes traveling the room as he froze due to a regular face was sitting on the sofa. This causing Bucky to not move more than five feet from the doorway, you nearly ran into the back of him.

|

     “Jesus Barnes, a warning next time yeah?” Your laugh holding your joking tone, yet it turned serious when you realized how Bucky’s demeanor had changed.

“Bucky what’s the-“ You questioned, your eyes following his glance as your phone fell out of your hands. The rest of the group gathering inside as they stood still in position

There, in the spot of the red sofa that sat directly under the light, a body sat.

The body belonging to no one other, than to -

Steve.Fucking.Rogers.

__________________________________________

Hello, wow that was a post huh? I will be working on the final part of this mini-series. I just figured to highlight on how I think the others would treat anyone in the readers situation.

I hope this gave you some type of feeling, I can’t wait to end this first writing piece of mine!

[fandom-queenliness]

Why Steve is being an Idiot

Ok, so Endgame Spoilers/salt warning for y’all first of all.

Now,

Steve in Endgame was great except for a few things:

His ending

His complete lack of Bucky mourning.

Think about it. This is the guy who would do anything for Bucky. Let’s look at what he’s done:

took over a Hydra base for Bucky

Went into a depressive episode after his “death” (don’t lie to me we all know he was depressed for a while there)

Literally stopped fighting him when he found out Bucky was the Winter Soldier

Charged into battle in a flimsy suit just on the off chance Bucky would remember him

Risked his life just to try and get Bucky back (take your pick from any of the numerous times he has)

Literally tore apart the Avengers for Bucky

Literally went against most of the countries in the world for Bucky

Gave up his shield for Bucky

A whole bunch of other things I don’t have time to list

So we can see that this bitch loved Bucky, whether platonically or romantically, that’s up for debate. But we all know it. His whole character is “I Will Fight For What Is Right And Also Bucky”. And then in Endgame, after losing Bucky, after losing his one true best friend, we are expected to believe that Steve would not be going fucking insane? Ok, I get it, the whole movie couldn’t be about mourning and sadness, but Steve didn’t even mention Bucky in Endgame. And then he leaves his buddy and his new family, the family Tony and Nat died for, just so he can go marry a woman he knew for two years and only kissed once.

???????????

You know, I can’t blame him for falling head over heels for Peggy, but Steve’s entire arc as a character was letting go of the past and moving the fuck on. And now it’s been erased just so he can live out the heterosexual dream in the past.

It is widely speculated his ending was done like that because the Russos really wanted to squash the Stucky/stony/anything-not-straight-involving-Steve shipping, because noooooooo, Steve is completely one hundred percent Straight™.

Anyway, just pointing that out. But now the reason for this whole post:

Peggy’s reaction.

You cannot tell me that Margaret “Peggy” BAMF Carter was not going to beat Steve’s ass when she found out the truth. Go on, imagine that conversation.

Steve, after their dance: wow I’m so excited to spend the rest of my life here in the past with you

Peggy, filled in on how he got there and how she is in the future: huh?

Steve, oblivious: yeah it’s gonna be great. I always missed you-

Peggy, hitting him with her shoe: No you idiot! I have a family and a future and you aren’t apart of it!

Steve, cowering before her might: B-but you’re my best girl!

Peggy: AND BUCKY’S WAITING FOR YOU IN THE FUTURE DUMBASS, ALONG WITH MY GREAT GRANDKIDS THAT AREN’T RELATED TO YOU

Steve: But-

Peggy: I’M A MARRIED WOMAN, AND YOU’RE THE GUY FROZEN IN THE ICE, NOW GO BACK TO YOUR DAMN SUPERHERO FAMILY AND LEAVE ME TO MY HUSBAND

Steve: b-

*Peggy punches him into 2023, to the amusement of Bucky and the amazement of Sam and Bruce*

[witcherislovewitcherislife]

Steggy Week Day 1 - Endgame

Author’s Note: This is my fic for Day 1 of Steggy Week 2019 - Topic: Endgame

I was unsure of what to write for Endgame as a lot of it has already been covered. There have been plenty of reunion fics and quite a few character studies about Steve's decision to return to the past so I didn't want to do those. I was going to just write another reunion smut fic but I already wrote two of those so I decided to do something different.

This fic is basically what I expected to happen when Steve and Tony went to 1970 during Endgame. Before I saw the movie, I was 99% sure that they were going to go back to S.H.I.E.L.D at some point in the past, either the 60s, 70s, or 80s because of various casting listings that I saw. And I was very happy to be correct. And so happy that Peggy, Jarvis, Howard, and Hank Pym all showed up too.

I expected Peggy to bust Steve stealing the Pym Particles. So this is basically a what-if if that had happened.

I hope you all enjoy, thanks for reading! :D

{Read on AO3}

You Never Were Very Good at Stealth

The mission was simple. Grab the vials of Pym Particles and meet Tony back above ground. They had a close call in the elevator but Tony did a good job keeping Steve’s face out of sight. He had navigated his way down the halls quickly and after his expertly planted phone call distraction, Steve was able to slip into Dr. Pym’s office.

The particles were on display proudly which did surprise Steve a bit. This man had shrinking particles, the keys to time travel, just sitting in a display case for all to see. Steve couldn’t complain too much though, it certainly made his job much easier.

He grabbed four vials and shoved them in his pockets. But Steve froze when he heard the gun click behind him, he hadn’t heard anyone approaching. He just hoped that the person pointing the gun wasn’t her…

*******************************************************************************************

It was like any other day at S.H.I.E.L.D for Peggy. She got updates on mission reports and briefed on the latest scientific discoveries. There had been no disturbances. That was until two security guards, whom she couldn’t remember the names of, came and warned her that two suspicious individuals had been reported.

Normally, she would leave them to search for the suspects themselves. But for some reason, Peggy just had a feeling that she should handle this situation herself.

Peggy headed out of the meeting room she was in and scanned the halls. She peered into every room looking for something out of the ordinary. And when Dr. Pym zoomed past her, she had a good feeling where she should look next.

Her suspicions were confirmed when she snuck into Dr. Pym’s office and saw a man stealing the famous Pym Particles.

She snuck up as quietly as possible and pulled her pistol from the garter holster hidden under her skirt. Ana Jarvis’ amazing invention still suited her decades later.

Peggy stood at a safe distance so he could not disarm her, cocked the gun, and pointed it at the back of the man’s head.

“Put your hands in the air and identify yourself!”

*******************************************************************************************

“Shit,” Steve thought subconsciously. All the people that work in this facility and of course she would be the one to catch him.

He could try to escape but he knew Peggy was the best shot there was. He remembered her hitting that Hydra driver from a couple hundred feet away with a pistol that wasn't supposed to be accurate at more than a couple dozen feet.

It was time to face the music. It was time to face her.

Steve slowly put his hands above his head and turned to face her, his head hung low.

*******************************************************************************************

Peggy sucked in a sharp gasp and she caught herself shaking lightly....it wasn’t possible.

“Steve?”

He raised his head slowly and spoke softly to her, the same way he had when her dementia kicked in, “Yeah, Peggy. It’s me.”

She still looked the same. Still the same well fitting business attire though this wasn’t military issue like it had been during the war. Still the same luscious brunette curls falling past her shoulders. Still the same victory red lipstick coating her soft lips that he hadn’t felt in so long. Her hair had a few bits of gray but Steve thought it made her even more beautiful.

“Who are you, really!?” Peggy demanded.

“Peggy..” Steve spoke in that soft voice reserved only for the rarest of moments.

“No! You’re dead!” Peggy half cried out.

“I can explain, Peggy.”

“Prove it. Prove that you are who you say you are.” She was shouting at this point but she simply didn't care.

“Look in my pocket, Peggy.”

“Why?”

“So I can prove who I am.”

“Take your jacket off, set it on the table and slide it to me. Slowly!”

Steve did as he was instructed. Peggy reached into the pocket and pulled out a compass. She knew what was going to be on the inside when she opened it. Her hands shook but she managed to unclasp the latch and flip open the compass slowly. She was greeted with her younger face smiling back at her.

The gun fell from her hand and she looked back up towards Steve, her eyes welling with tears. Peggy let out a cry and rushed to him, throwing her arms around him as his wrapped around her body tight. The same way they had all those years ago.

It felt like years passed until she pulled back and her palms cupped his face as his hands held her sides. Peggy had tears openly streaming down her face now.

“You look older.”

That managed to get a chuckle out of Steve, “Yeah. I feel older too.”

“I don’t understand this, Steve. H-How?”

“It’s complicated, Peg.”

“I have time.”

“I don’t.”

Peggy’s face fell instantly, the words stung her like the freezing cold. Steve was crying now too. He wanted to spend eternity with this woman still. But he had a mission and he needed to get back to Tony as soon as possible.

“Steve. Please.”

“Would you believe me if I said time travel, Peggy?”

“Time travel? So, you’re what? From the past?”

“Future.”

“But you died, Steve. This doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, Peggy. It all goes over my head too.”

“Please, Steve. Just tell me something, anything.”

Steve took in a deep breath, he owed her an explanation at least.

“I didn’t die, Peg. Back in 1945. The ice froze me and I stayed in a form of cryo-sleep. S.H.I.E.L.D found me in 2011 and unfroze me.”

Peggy almost fell off her feet, this was all too much to take in. Luckily Steve was holding her up and he guided her to a chair near the table in the center of the room.

“So, what, you’re from 2011?”

“No. 2023. Like I said, it’s complicated.”

“Wow…” was all Peggy could manage to say. This all sounded so ridiculous but she believed every word.

“I know it’s a lot Peggy. I’m really sorry. But I need to go. I came here for a reason.”

“To get those Pym Particles that you were stealing?”

“Yeah.”

"You never were very good at stealth."

"I actually got better than you would ever believe. Hard to sneak around you though."

“Back on topic, whatever do you need those particles for?”

“They’re the key. To time travel, I mean. To make a long story short, I need them to save the world.”

Peggy half laughed-half scoffed, “Of course you are.”

“Guess some things never change.”

They both grew quiet and Steve was about to apologize and make his exit until Peggy spoke up again.

“Can you tell me anything else, Steve? Please.”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes, Steve. I do.”

“You won’t believe me.”

“Try me.”

Steve took in a deep breath before he began, he knew he should get back to Tony but he couldn’t leave Peggy without giving her something more. She deserved answers. She deserved the world.

“In 2018, half of all life in the universe is disintegrated, reduced to ash by a Titan named Thanos.”

“And how exactly did this "Thanos" do this?” Peggy inquired, adding air quotes around the name Thanos. She clearly wasn't amused by his story. He didn't blame her. He probably wouldn't believe himself either.

“The infinity stones.”

“The what?”

“The infinity stones. There’s actually another reason why we’re here. The Tesseract, you have it here, and we need it.”

“The Tesseract? You mean that glowing blue cube that Howard fished out of the ocean years ago.”

“That’s the one. It contains one of the six infinity stones. I don’t know too much about them, I leave that for the scientists on my team. But basically, they were created at the dawn of time, each one contains unspeakable power. They were scattered all throughout the galaxy. Thanos got all six and used them to kill half the universe.”

Peggy considered his words carefully for many moments before looking him deep in the eye and speaking slowly.

“This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Time travel, aliens, jewelry that can destroy the universe. It all sounds like science fiction bullshit. And yet, I believe every word.”

“Believe me, Peggy. It’s true. I didn’t believe it either until I saw it. Trust me, there are even crazier things than that, that become normal in the future.”

Steve glanced up at the clock ticking on the wall. He had been here far too long and he needed to go. Tony was probably wondering where he was and if he had been compromised.

“I’m sorry, Peggy. I need to leave.”

Peggy stood again and approached him, “Always saving the world. The world truly doesn’t deserve you.”

“I’m tired, Peggy. I just want to rest. But I can’t until the world is safe---safe enough.”

“The world will never be safe. But I know what you mean. I’m tired too, Steve. I think we both deserve some rest.”

“That we do, Peg. That we do.”

“You’re sure you have to go? I only just got you back.”

“I have to, Peg. I’ve stayed too long as is.”

“Wait! How does this work? Is your body still in the ice or what?”

“I--I don’t know, actually. Don’t look for me, Pegs. Is isn’t worth it. And don’t tell Howard. I know how much time he’s already spent looking for me. Tell him….tell him to spend more time with his child and less time looking for me.”

“I don’t un-”

Steve cut her off before she could finish, “Just do that, Peggy. Please.”

Her breath shook but she managed to croak out an, “Okay, Steve.”

Steve pulled her close again, into a tight embrace. He took in the scent of her hair, still the same lovely scent of shampoo she managed to use all those years ago.

Both of them were crying when Steve pulled back, Peggy didn’t hesitate to cup his cheeks and plant her lips to his. Steve froze for a second before reciprocating the kiss, pulling Peggy impossibly closer and taking everything she would give him.

He ignored the cold silver ring he could feel against his right cheek. He knew she was married but he also knew that the love he and Peggy shared went far deeper. He was happy for Peggy, truly. That she was able to move forward and live on. Find another right partner to spend her life with. But he still saw the way she looked at him when she found out he was alive. And as selfish as it was, Steve liked that he had that effect on her. He hated himself at the same time. Hated to see her in pain. Hated to know that he was the cause of that pain. But knowing that she cared? Knowing that she loved him just as much as he loved her and that he didn’t just imagine it? He would only be lying to himself if he said he didn’t kind of like it.

He didn’t know how long they kissed for, all he knew was that when they pulled apart, they were both still crying and now breathless. They leaned their foreheads together and simply sat there breathing each other in for a long moment.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” Steve spoke up first.

“Done what? I kissed you. If anything, I should be apologizing. Not that I’m going to. I’ve wanted to do that again for 25 years.”

“I’ve missed you like crazy, Peggy. I’ll always miss you. I’ll---I’ll always love you.”

Peggy let out a soft loving sigh as another tear trickled down her cheek, “I love you too, Steve. I never stopped. I’m sorry things couldn’t be different.”

“You’ll always be my right partner, Peg.”

Steve planted one final chaste kiss to her lips before he sprinted out the door, not looking back. Because he knew if he did, he would never leave.

*******************************************************************************************

"Hey, you alright?” Tony asked when Steve met him at the rendezvous point. He could tell that Steve had been crying and it appeared that his lips were slightly reddened and swollen as well.

“Yeah, yeah. I will be. When we’re done with this. Then---then I will be.

[tdcloud]

Happy October--Did you get your ticket to the Carnival? (Blog#11)

Happy October! It’s the best month of the year, and I’m not just saying that because my birthday is in a couple more days. This month kicks the MOST ass because spooky season is upon us! The time for horror movies, pumpkin spice everything, and blissfully cool weather is NOW! On top of all that seasonal fun, I hope to see some of you guys at Youmacon this year, too. It’s not being held over Halloween weekend this time, but November 3-6. Keep an eye out on my twitter and website for more information on where to find me and what sorts of goodies I’ll be carrying with me during my meet-and-greets. It’s going to be so much fun, and I can’t wait to see all of you Youma regulars at my last scheduled convention for the year.

Also, while we’re on the topic, be sure to check out my calendar of events as well as we near the end of 2022. I’ve already got one scheduled convention on the docket and several more will announce their AA’s within the next few months. I’m gunning for a pretty full docket in 2023, so cross your fingers that the lottery and jury gods work in my favor—and if you’ve got any convention around the Midwest that you’d like to see me attend, hit me up in my contact form or through Twitter. If it’s drivable and the AA applications are open, I’ll give it a shot!

But wait, there’s more! Man, October really is just chock-full of fun things, isn’t it? This month is also home to a really special event I run every year for my patrons over on Patreon. For this month’s blog, I figured I’d do some shameless promotion by going into detail on the awesome novella I wrote. Maybe it’ll inspire a few of you to head over to Patreon to check it out! The first chapter is up now, and the next ones go live every Saturday of this month, so if the thought of demons, goths, sexualized damnation, and 2008-era levels of Edge aren't enough to entice you, stick around and read a bit more. I think I’ll convince you in the end >:3

Let’s get to it!

Carnival, the working title for this project, began over a decade ago. I was sixteen, goth as all get-out, and prone to sneaking out of the house at 2am to walk to the nearby cemetery about two miles from my parents’ house, and to say that influenced my writing at the time would be an understatement. I enjoyed taking in the quiet that only seems to come out when everyone and everything is asleep, and given I grew up in the middle of a cornfield, there really wasn’t much danger to it—though I’m sure my parents wouldn’t agree had they ever found out XD A lot of my early years were spent soaking in my aesthetics and figuring out what inspired me. Gothic literature and the works of Oscar Wilde were huge inspirations for me back then, and when I realized I wanted to turn my nighttime wanderings into a story, I leaned on them both heavily.

Originally, Carnival was an eighteen-page scrap of fiction involving Damian Walker and a demon named Avery. They were both nothing-characters, just stand-ins for my own developing narrative voice in different skins, and the story itself went nowhere. There was no real plot, no real purpose. It told the story of Damian walking to a graveyard, meeting with the demon he’d met a while back, and flirting his way into a free trip to Hell. There were masks and masquerades, ballroom dancing, underage drinking, and brief, pointless encounters with other demons that went nowhere and did nothing in terms of furthering the story, deepening the characters, or, ultimately, enriching the narrative in any way.

You may think I’m being hard on myself, but honestly, it’s just the truth. I didn’t know how to write a proper story back then, and that included proper characters, proper character voice, plot progression, and everything in between. When I was young, I was almost criminally guilty of only “writing what I knew,” and when you’re sixteen and as green as they come, that meant I barely knew anything at all.

Every protagonist was me. All the other characters were caricatures of friends, enemies, and adults in my life at the time. It made for poorly written stories and empty, bland characters, but we all have to start somewhere, and Carnival, for all its flaws and juvenile aspects, was the first piece of creative fiction I’d ever tried writing outside of school, and was the longest thing I’d ever written for a good long while, too. It’s a bloated piece of fiction with an almost gratuitous amount of figurative language, little to no organic dialogue, and an almost aggressive level of disregard for proper story structure. It’s hard for me to read it now—though it's still published on Fictionpress, masochist that I am—but I owe it a lot for igniting my love of writing at an early age. The people who read it seemed to enjoy it, and their encouragement kept me on the writing path that I’m still on today.

Because of that, I decided to give it a second chance at life, and that brings us to where we are today. Carnival Redux, as I’ve taken to calling this version, is what I think Past Me would have wanted the story to be. If I’d had the skill level necessary to write it at that point in my life, it would have panned out like this. It still involves Damian and a demon—now named Adam since I like the name Avery too much and already have it earmarked for a different character in a different, much more impactful IP—and a trip to Hell where the demons dance with masks and everything feels like Carnivale. This time, however, Damian and Adam feel like very different characters, each with distinct personalities and contrasting desires that cause just as many problems as they solve. There’s an actual throughline of risk and danger, adversaries and false friends who do more than just chat for a moment and disappear into the ether, and the sort of mutual corruption and shared damnation you’d expect from a demonic-flavored queer novella—and hey, this time it actually has smut!

Our official summary is thus: Anyone who has ever lived in a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere knows the infinite boredom endemic to such places: no mall, no movie theater, no hope. Damian Walker has lived his entire life in the middle of a cornfield with nothing but his imagination and penchant for the dark and dismal to keep him company. As the Village Goth, he’s ostracized enough to make socializing difficult at best, a chore at worst, and even the local community college fails to do much but remind him of how little he relates to those around him.

It’s probably because of those reasons that he keeps visiting the demon haunting the local cemetery each night—and why he's so eager to see actual Hell when offered a taste of the other side. And if the demon, Adam, never lets him leave? Well, that just adds to the fun, doesn't it?

But the story is, in general, the culmination of over a decade of me blue-balling myself from my first ever original IP, and the satisfactory resolution of all that tension in one ~70 page story.

Our story begins as it always does: in a graveyard and with a college-aged goth standing morosely among the tombstones. Life isn’t easy for a rural goth trapped in cornfield hell. Damian is disillusioned with life in general, disillusioned with the classes he’s expected to go to, and disillusioned with the idea that this is all life has to offer him. The fact that he knows a bonafide demon doesn’t help dissuade those impressions either. Adam exists. Hell exists. And yet nothing has come from any of that. Demons always want something, that’s pretty much a fact, but as far as Damian can tell, Adam seems content to just waste the nights talking and drinking magicked booze instead of corrupting Damian or stealing his soul away.

It’s annoying, to be honest, and Damian has enough. He puts his foot down and dares Adam to do something. Before he can say it twice, Adam ponies up and serves him a ticket straight to Hell.

It’s a simple story with more internal conflict than external and it serves up corruption of the protagonist in a pretty unique way. A big theme in this story revolves around the concept of Hell, both as a place and as an idea. The idea of “Hell is what you make it” comes up several times, both in the presentation of Hell through Damian’s perspective, and the eternal fear living within Adam over what his own personal idea of Hell could be, and how he might create it if he yields to certain temptations. Hell isn’t normally a Carnival. The demons aren’t all dressed in fancy clothing and donned with ornate masks. For Damian, his mortal mind can only comprehend so much. Hell is a masquerade and all of its trimmings are likewise disguised. It’s only in the cracks that he glimpses what Hell truly is, and he’s never left unscathed when he witnesses them. Compound all of those Hellish revelations with the subtle corruption Adam’s been dealing him over the course of their friendship and you’ve got a recipe for a very tasty relationship dynamic.

For all its simplicity, though, I’ve really tried to indulge along the way. This was a story I dreamt up when I was just a teenager so full of edge and angst that I didn’t know how else to handle it than create. For as much as I find my original word embarrassing, I can’t help but be proud of myself for being so enamored with my self-made environment that I spawned a work that big. I imagine most of my readers aren’t writers themselves, so I hope you can understand just how moved I was to spend months writing something that long. I never expected anyone to read it but me. I didn’t have an audience back then. I had no platform upon which I intended to publish it—fictionpress wasn’t a common haunt of mine, and I only posted my story onto it months later when I stumbled over the platform and decided hey, let’s try sharing this. I just—created for the sake of creating. I had a story in my head I couldn’t stand to let wither away inside my imagination.

Despite how easy I make it seem for myself now, writing is fucking hard. No matter how experienced you are, it’s always difficult. I was proud of myself for managing 150 words a night back then. That struggle isn’t invalidated by my ability to now write 5,000 in a day if I put my mind to it. It shows how far I’ve come, but I never would’ve gone anywhere if I hadn’t sat down and committed to putting my edgy musings into words over a decade ago. So, yeah. I’m really happy I got to rewrite this story and give it the modern face lift Past Me never would’ve expected to be capable of. It’s been a nice little love letter to myself, and it’s really made me proud of myself in ways I don’t normally feel when working on my current projects.

I’m sure I’ll cover more of my writer’s journey in future blog posts, so I won’t get into all of that much more here. Just know that this IP started me on the path you see me on now, and that if you feel the cringe or the 2008-era edge in this story as you read it, just know it’s dedicated to the rebellious teenage version of myself who pulled a lot of the shit Damian did and would have given anything—probably even her soul—to have someone like Adam appear from the darkness with promises of something far more decadent than any rural Indiana life could offer her.

Given this is a new story that no one has had the chance to read yet—beyond perhaps a really speedy patron or two—I’ve decided to eschew the normal Q&A segment that would typically be dedicated to questions on the story in favor of opening up the floor to general questions on anything and everything. People seem to be fairly curious about me, my work, and my methods, and this is a good time to address all of that before we dive into future blogs.

Questions come from Instagram, Twitter, and private messages this time!

Do you have any scents that remind you of your characters? I need some new candles for fall.

Hmm, that's an interesting question. I don’t think I’ve thought too much about how everyone smells in any great detail, though I do recall making it canonical that Khouri smells really good. I always figured he smells like spiced musk. It’s not a supremely masculine scent but not fragrant in the way most perfumes are. Like the best natural scent a person can have but with a hint of like, frankincense to it, or cardamom. Does that make sense? If you’ve ever been into incense, he’s like Dragon’s Blood.

I don’t have anything specific for the others, so I’ll just do them rapid-fire with my gut reactions.

Navidae: Navi is 100% scented like a box of potpourri. The man is all about imported spices, herbs, and fancy oils, so he’d smell exotic and head-turning. There’s a hint of something sharp in all that softness though, something almost metallic. It’s a good smell but might go straight to your head if you’re immersed in it for too long.

Sorin: Definitely musky, all those masculine scents like sandalwood and what not, but with sea salt and something crisp to cut through the heaviness. Wild yet open, I’d call it. It’s a regular, mundane sort of smell, but it’s comforting in its simplicity.

Ruari: Oh, he’s all about that “fragrant rot” scent I describe every time dead leaves are the topic du jour. He smells like pure wilderness, earthy tones, very grounding. He’s what you smell when you take up a handful of brown, crinkly leaves and bury your face in your palms and chilly Autumn air. If you find a candle like that, link me.

Corbet: Vellum, old, yellowed book pages, and cold-sweat. If you want something a little more pleasant/potentially a candle fragrance, he’d be mulled wine and dark berries.

Nines: Cologne and spearmint. He smells cold and it stings the nose a little. It’s sharp and a little intense but once you get used to it you’ll find it’s actually a very cleansing, stimulating smell. Keeps you focused.

Gabriel: Warm, freshly baked bread. He smells like a well-used kitchen in the middle of being well-used. Smells like home.

Louis: Flannel and campfire smoke. Herbal tea, homey and warm. He smells pretty good in my opinion, sorta like you know he’d give good hugs that you would want to prolong just to bury your nose in his shoulder to smell him for a bit.

O’Rinn: Sharp citrus, zippy and nose-tingling like when you drink Sunny-D. It puts a pep in your step and might elicit a sneeze or two if you’re not careful.

I hope you found that helpful XD I’m the sort of person who only buys candles that smell like cranberries and apples, so I did the best I could.

Did you have any other animal in mind in regards to Corbet and Tailan?

I’m not sure I entirely follow. Tailan was always going to be a hedgehog because Yougei, my partner, loves them and I always try to incorporate things I know he likes because I’m adorable like that. But if we’re going off vibes alone, Tailan should be a goddamn honey badger given how much attitude he’s got. Corbet… I’ve always had corvid thoughts in regards to him (Ruari is obviously a fox and has some outside-of-canon anecdotes related to one), but my friends and I have made jokes about Corbet being one of those fanged deer. He looks very harmless but you know that boy has teeth XD

What’s your favorite type of vampire in media?

What if I said Twilight? XD But no, I’d say my favorite type of vampire is probably a cross between the shit you see in Vampire: The Masquerade and Anne Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles. I love the romantic portrayal—though I can get down and dirty with the monstrous types too, 100%, just read Ossuary—and I adore the inherent eroticism that’s existed in them since Stoker’s Dracula. What I don’t like about those specific media portrayals of vampires is when the powers and special abilities they’re given get a bit too Much. Specifically, gangrels being werewolf!lite types of vampires doesn’t sit well with me. Just be a werewolf? And I’m not overly fond of how Rice’s vampires do magic and read minds. At some point, things get to be too Much for me, and I’d rather have something more restrained.

We’ll get into specifics on my DVerse vampires and all their abilities in future blog posts, but I think if you look at them you’ll see that all of their abilities and traits are fairly restrained with only one specific clan being capable of weird gifts, and those ones are few and far between for a reason. I think I like vampires best when they are humans-made-inhuman but with gifts that are curses when viewed in the right light. Minor pre-cognizance that bleeds into massive distrust and constant anxiety; high status and supreme beauty but with the lack of self-control that comes from inhuman greed and indulgence. I like double-edged swords and vampires that have to pay for their bad habits even after they stop breathing. Rice’s vampires definitely fall into that (I’m looking at you, Lestat), and then V:tM has the uniqueness and fun, almost personality-test sort of bloodlines to keep things fun and create interesting characters who are capable of interesting things.

How do you manage while writing multiple ongoing projects?

It varies, to be honest. Sometimes I find it very easy to hop around between projects—it’s not that dissimilar to my writing process when writing one singular thing, since I don’t always write linearly and will jump between chapters as the fancy comes to me, or within the same chapter as sections come into my head. I think that jumping between projects can help me maintain a constant stream of motivation to work since if one thing begins to bore me I can swap over to something more exciting, write on it until I’m bored, and then swap back, but a lot of that depends on me finding the current assortment of projects interesting for extended stretches of time. I keep very detailed chapter notes, so setting down and then picking back up a project after an extended absence isn’t very difficult, and I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing, so I don’t conflate the tones while writing.

But again, it’s boredom that’s the biggest difficulty for me. I can write a full novel within a few weeks if I only let myself work on it and nothing else, but that’s not a very common thing for me anymore. I think I write as fast as I do because I know I’ll get bored and want to work on the next idea if I don’t churn out the current thing as quickly as I possibly can. You guys probably can’t see it on your end, but the patreon offerings I’ve got going on right now trip me up a lot with this. I’ll write a chapter of Apotheosis, and the first few pages will be like pulling teeth until I’m excited and enjoying the project once more, but after the chapter’s done, I have to immediately switch to Carnival or whatever other thing I’m writing that month, when all I really want to do is work on the next Apotheosis chapter. Then it’s rinse and repeat with that next project. I get the job done, but it’s not always the best thing for my creative process.

It varies though, like I said before. Sometimes it’s a lot easier than all that, and that’s usually the case. It’s how I maintain my steady output and keep things fresh, even if I do get caught up in the weeds every now and again.

Would you like to someday write a really long novel? What would it be about?

Currently, the longest novel I have planned is the penultimate installment to the DVerse, Mortigena. I already released a chapter excerpt from it last month on patreon, since it was actually the first book in the series I began working on before I intended to make it a whole series. It’s slated right now to be 36 chapters long—a good 16 chapters longer than any other book I’ve ever published before—and while I got 100 or so pages into the book before realizing almost all of it will need rewriting to fit the newly created larger canon, those 100 pages didn’t even cover ⅓ of the book’s length. It’s going to be a 300-400k book once I get around to dedicating my full attention to it, and that’s likely the longest novel I can imagine writing right now.

For context, the longest work I’ve put out so far was Letifer which was 160k.

Now, as for what that book is about? Well, I’m sure I’ll cover more of the DVerse specifics in future blog posts, but the long and short of it is that Mortigena is the Charlatan installment of the series outlining the experiences of Cesare di Cambio, a Renaissance-turned vampire artist who is the epitome of his beleaguered bloodline. His sire was actually the first Charlatan, and the story itself outlines a lot of early DVerse history that is referenced throughout the earlier books. It’s a horror-mystery-romance full of murder, forgotten history, and the systematic onslaught of one city’s vampiric leadership structure.

Sharp-eyed readers and fans of the DVerse will have likely noticed that there are only 7 named vampire bloodlines and yet 8 books. Mortigena introduces us to the secret topic of the 8th book and lines everything up for the final installment, Dakethumos.

But back to your question: I don’t have the brain power currently to imagine future projects outside of my current workload of an 8-book series and all these random patreon standalones, so any other super long novel aspirations will likely come to me once I’ve put more of these vampire books behind me.

Which historical topics would you like to write about next?

Hmm, well, I currently have chapter notes written up for a future book about pirates that I’m really excited about! I’m a huge fan of the Golden Age of Piracy and went through a phase during quarantine where I researched that period of history as much as I could. That book project is 20+ chapters and therefore has been put on the back burner until I’ve got more free time under my belt. These vampire books really do eat up a lot of my longform content slots.

The vampire books in general also deal with a lot of my favorite periods in history. I’ve got one planned that takes place in Prohibition Chicago, 1970s New Orleans, a French ship bound for Louisiana in the mid-1700s (research the myth of the Casket Girls, you’ll have a nice teaser of what I’m playing off of then), Post-Renaissance Italy, and even a story that takes place prior to the year 1000 B.C.E.

I think outside of all the planned stuff, I’d like to someday write something set in the 1800s around a lighthouse, maybe something to do with selkie? Once I have more brain power to spare, I’d also like to revisit an old project I teased a while back that was essentially my attempt at playing around with classic noir tropes and settings. There’s also the current story notes I’m poking around with in my spare time utilizing Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s characters—I’m going to make the world regret putting them in the public domain—and so far, I am planning the story as if it is time period accurate to the original Holmes universe, even if I’m writing it from the perspective of Sebastian Moran.

To be honest, I’d actually love to hear what sort of books/stories/concepts/themes/settings you guys would like to see me tackle in the future. My goal is always to write the sorts of things no one else is writing, in ways that no one else seems to approach them, so if it’s within my power or tickles my fancy, I’m always happy to think it over and add it to my list if it makes my imagination run wild. That was how I began writing Aubade, after all.

Why is Megle the best?

Adorably enough, this one is from Yougei himself! He’s very cute and all I can say to answer this question is that I’m only as good as the people I surround myself, the amazingly creative artists and editors and test readers who lend me their skills, and Yougei, specifically, for the support he’s given me since the day we first took up together back in 2016. Everything I do has always been for him, and the skills I’ve learned along the way have only been learned in hopes of bettering my stories so I can give him the sort of books he most loves reading.

So, if I’m the best, it’s only because you’re the best, Yogle <3 That’s all there is to it!

I do want to take a moment here to thank everyone for the questions. It’s probably the thing I look forward to most about these blog posts. I really love getting to engage with you guys and answer questions that otherwise wouldn’t get answered. My whole goal of starting this blog was to give everyone another avenue to engage with me, and it just makes me happy that it’s working out. I hope you all get just as much out of this as I do, and that hopefully it gets you excited for more of my stuff as I make my way through publication hell.

And I am in publication hell. I know I mentioned a couple months back that there might be a publication announcement coming soon. It’s taken a bit longer to finalize than anticipated—it always does, though, so I’m past being surprised by it at this point—but we’re nearly ready to set a date on the release of Infaust. I’m hoping to do something a little special with this release involving custom merch and special pre-order bundles, so get hyped! It’s going to be lit <3

I think that’s going to be all for this month—though really, the month has only just started, and there’s still so much on the way that it’d be a shame to frame it as a conclusion when this is clearly the beginning. If you haven’t yet, please hit up my Patreon to join us for the release of Carnival this Saturday and every Saturday in October. All tiers get to join in on the fun, and even just a $1 pledge helps out a ton in supporting me as I keep writing the stories you want to read. So, check it out, join in on the fun, and be sure to keep an eye out for all the other fun things happening this month. Youmacon is just around the corner, and I can’t wait to see some of you there!

Until next time!

T.D. Cloud

[coreytravelogue]

August 2, 2021 - Victoria, BC

I meant to do a post on my one night Nanaimo trip but if I ever wind up not speaking of something after I have traveled there it often means that the trip was either not worth it, not much to talk about or terrible.

By the time I arrived in Nanaimo everything was closing for the day plus it looked like it was not entirely ready for people. All I really did was walk around a little bit then went to a bar for some beer and food and then I went to sleep. The following morning I walked to the port and took an early ferry back home. That really was my trip to Nanaimo, I mean I did go to two breweries there but there was nothing to scream home about.

This BC long weekend was supposed to be for going to Alberta but the greed for the airlines screwed me on that. What I wound up now just doing was going back to Victoria. Victoria is always a easy get away choice for me. It is cheap, I know there is stuff to do there and I have friends there that would hang out with me if I came. Plus delta variant numbers in Alberta are going up and people seem to want to be crazy there and not want to believe in anything but what they want to believe.

Now that I have been fully vaccinated for the last 3 weeks now I assumed that it I would be safe enough for my friend to let me crash at her and her family’s apartment, they said yes so I saved at least 200 bucks and at least had people to hang out with for some of my trip. The only bad thing was they got vaxxed this weekend and were both hit hard by it so we couldn’t really do all that much. Only things we really did together was watch a few movies and go to Butchard Gardens which I just came from.

All and all not a bad trip, I came into the trip very grouchy and pouting. I left later than I wanted to and the ferry I was to take was a hour late so by the time I got to Victoria it was already mid day so there was not much left to do. I met up with my friend just as they had their shots and we had a few beers at her place.

When I knew they were getting their second shot I knew there was a mighty good chance the Saturday was going to be a write off for them and I was right, both of them were basically bed ridden for most of the day so I spent it doing what I normally do in Victoria; shop for vinyl and used stuff.

I thought about Jayne hatting something at the cemetery but I decided not to because I dunno I feel like it is disrespectful doing it on grave sites. I am not religious but I am spiritual. To tell you the truth I didn’t get to Jayne hat anything this weekend which irritates me.

Sunday they were still recovering but they were also hanging with other friends so I had much of Sunday to myself to do stuff and I came back for all of us to have another movie night.

Only time we really got to do stuff was today going to Butchard Gardens which is just to me an expensive flower garden. However I am just irritated because they would not let me Jayne hat anything. Who knew twice in one place have I been thwarted from putting a whole hat on a statue. First was a doctor and the second was a merry go round horse. It’s like everyone is afraid of people trying to tear down or do anything to statues around here it’s pretty weird. There was a boar I could have Jayne hatted but I was too jaded by my experience at the garden that I just didn’t bother, I have Jayne hatted enough pigs over the years really. VanDuesen is better than Butchard anyway. At least they don’t mind or card about me Jayne hatting their statues, surely there are more important things to guard and protect than the fucking carousel horse statue…surely.

All and all I am coming back in a better mood than I came in which was the point. I got a lot of travel ahead of me. I will be going back to Victoria at least once a month for the next while for day trips at the very least. Especially if I have a free place to stay.

In October I do plan on going back to Fort McMurray but I am a bit wary right now if I should or not given how anti vax or anti everything there it is fucking ridiculous how back water Alberta has become these past few years it is down right embarrassing.

In November I am planning on going to Ottawa for my birthday. I mean I don’t have many to be with in Vancouver and I always regret staying in Vancouver for my birthday so this time I and doing something for myself on it.

Then finally in December I will be going to Newfoundland for the first time in 2 years to see family. What happens in 2022 is a crap shoot. Rent will go up and I will be barely able to pay for it and travel to begin with.

I have to leave Vancouver by the end of 2023. The only things that can keep me in BC now is moving to Victoria which would only be temporary anyway and then it would depend on if I wound up meeting someone while I am still here which is very doubtful.

Anyways with that i have to get out of BC or at least Vancouver. I am already getting depressed going back to Vancouver because I know what I am coming back to; loneliness, stress and isolation. I have few friends around except for one maybe two. One I feel I have to take care of, the other just doesn’t go anywhere. My other friend, my oldest friend has now moved further away to where I may never see him again now anyway.

This is getting too personal for my taste but this is what is rolling in my head these days. I have very little keeping me in Vancouver, very little to look for in it. I need to find a way out. Till then I am going to be making a lot more trips to Victoria on the weekend. I apologize if this too sad of a post. Here is hoping my next one will have better things to say with better things done. Shazbot nanu nanu.

[whittlebaggett8]

The 25 biggest questions we have after seeing ‘Avengers: Endgame’, Defence Online

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When you dry your tears after “Avengers: Endgame,” you’re going to start to have a lot of questions.

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Marvel Studios

Warning: There are massive spoilers and discussion for “Avengers: Endgame” ahead. Do not read this if you haven’t seen the movie.

After a few showings, INSIDER wrangled together the burning questions we have about the movie, and some answers where possible.

“Avengers: Endgame” is an epic culmination to 22 films for the ultimate fan, but it’s far from perfect. Some of the movie’s holes become much more clear upon a second and third go-around when you’re less emotional over the film’s many tear-worthy moments. After multiple close watches, INSIDER gathered together a list of the lingering questions (and some answers) we have now that we’re out of the “Endgame.”

1. How did Captain Marvel know where to find Tony Stark and Nebula?

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Captain Marvel arrives at just the right moment to save Tony.

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Marvel

This is something that initially bothered me while watching the movie. Captain Marvel conveniently shows up the moment Tony Stark is dying and brings him and Nebula home from space. How does she know where to find them? We were given the answer to this back in March.

There’s a post-credits scene with “Captain Marvel” that looks like it’s a scene from “Avengers: Endgame.” Marvel released it online for you to watch here. That scene never appears in “Endgame” at all, but is extremely important for understanding how Tony gets back home.

In it, Captain Marvel arrives at the Avengers HQ where she meets Captain America, Black Widow, Bruce Banner, and more. She finds out Nick Fury is missing and the scene ends.

It can be assumed this is where she also meets Tony’s fiancée, Pepper Potts. Tony has been sending her transmissions from space via his Iron Man suit. If she’s been receiving those messages then she was likely able to tell Captain Marvel where to find Stark and Nebula.

2. Why is Captain America old at the film’s end? How did he age?

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Captain America shouldn’t be able to age because of the super serum, right? Eh. Maybe not in the movies.

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Marvel

If you were initially thrown off by seeing an older Captain America at the film’s end in 2023, you shouldn’t be. Yes, Cap was injected with the super serum, but he didn’t age because he was put on ice and frozen in 1945. Nick Fury tells him in “Captain America: The First Avenger” that he’s been out for about 70 years.

Cap went back to 1970 to be with Peggy and lived the following 53 years getting older.

This may have thrown some people off because in the comics, Captain America doesn’t usually age due to the super serum. He did get older when he had it sucked out of him at one point by a villain.

Even if the super serum was slowing down Cap’s ability to age, he probably could have asked someone, like Howard Stark, to whip up something to allow him to grow old with the love of his life.

3. Does Hawkeye now have a bunch of enemies, and, if so, is he putting his family in danger?

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I think Clint Barton messed up big time.

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Disney/Marvel

After Clint Barton/Hawkeye loses his family at the film’s start, he goes down a really dark path. In a nod to the comics, he takes on the alter-ego of Ronin, a lone vigilante ninja.

We see Barton killing an entire group of men in Tokyo and hear about other “work” he’s doing with a Mexican cartel. Now that Hawkeye’s reunited with his family all of that stuff doesn’t just disappear. Yes, he killed a bunch of men, but are any of the scorned still alive?

I wouldn’t be surprised if the past five years come back to haunt him. With his family back, it’s not just Hawkeye that his enemies would be after.

This may be something that will be directly addressed in the reported Disney Plus streaming show Hawkeye will receive.

4. Did no one go to school for the five years after the “Infinity War” snap? Is going back to school super weird if some of your classmates weren’t affected by “Infinity War”?

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Ned and Peter are back together, but some of their classmates have to be older than them now.

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Sony Pictures

How did that work? At the film’s end, we see Peter Parker reunited with his best friend Ned at school. My brother, who I saw the film with, thought it was funny that five years passed and Spider-Man was still in high school. However, it completely makes sense. They haven’t aged a day since the snap. For them, no time has transpired.

But what about the people in their grade who weren’t snapped? Did they just continue on with school, graduate, and go on into the real world? If that logic’s followed then Ned and MJ (Zendaya) must have disappeared in the snap, too, along with some of their other friends. We know the “Spider-Man” sequel “Far From Home” takes place moments after the end of “Endgame.”

Will some of their friends be in college? Are there younger kids who are now the same age as them? I feel like a lot of this is just going to be ignored.

5. How does no one die from Thanos directly shooting up the Avengers HQ?

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This moment was all for show.

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Marvel

When 2014 Thanos arrives in the future he wastes no time trying to take out the Avengers. He squarely hit his target, leveled the building, and somehow no one managed to have more than a scratch on them. I’m calling shenanigans.

6. Is the time travel in “Avengers: Endgame” sound?

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The remaining heroes team up to face Thanos in “Avengers: Endgame.”

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Disney/Marvel

I’m not a scientist, otherwise I’d be off studying quantum physics. So, I’m not going to pretend to know whether or not the time travel in “Endgame” checks out.

Lucky for us, Newsweek asked some scientists to look over the science in the movie, and they say “Endgame” did a pretty good job in its attempt to “adhere to current high level-thinking about time travel.”

For what it’s worth, the time travel in “Endgame” is explained rather quickly. Not a lot of time is spent on it so I just accepted whatever I was watching on screen for the most part without worrying about too much. If Tony Stark tells me he figured out how time travel works, I trust him. I’ve put my trust in him since 2008’s “Iron Man” and he hasn’t steered us too wrong (other than “Age of Ultron” with his murder bot). I won’t stop now.

For those who care, Bruce Banner says if you change something in the past it won’t necessarily change the future. OK. That’s why the group doesn’t go back in time and kill baby Thanos. (That’s actually discussed in the film.) When the group goes back in time to acquire the Infinity Stones before Thanos, Banner is told when they’re done using the stones in the present, they must return them to the exact moment they retrieved them from the past otherwise they’ll cause multiple realities.

Newsweek referred to this as the Many Worlds Theory.

7. Why did the Avengers pick those specific moments to go back in time?

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I love the opening scene of “Guardians of the Galaxy,” but there was a better moment to get the power stone. Was Glenn Close not around to reprise her role as Nova Prime?

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Marvel

Tony, Bruce, Clint, Natasha, and the rest of the Avengers could have picked any moments in the past to revisit to gather the Infinity Stones ahead of Thanos. So it’s a little puzzling that the team went back to several tricky moments to gather stones.

For instance, instead of revisiting “Thor: The Dark World” to extract the reality stone from Jane (Natalie Portman), wouldn’t it have been easier to retrieve it from the Collector at the film’s end? That’s where Thor had it dropped off. Likewise, Thor’s home of Asgard was home to the Tesseract for years before Loki removed it from a basement tunnel.

The same goes for the power stone in “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Rocket Raccoon was with Peter Quill when it was left with the Nova Corps on Xandar. It just seemed like the team went out of their way for unnecessary reasons. I guess the movie would have been a lot shorter and less exciting if everything was easy, but it makes our heroes look incredibly silly. No one was rushing them to head into the past. They had all of the time in the world to get their plan in order.

8. Why doesn’t future Nebula die when past Nebula is shot and killed?

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Nebula, unexpectedly becomes a vital part of “Endgame.”

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Disney/Marvel Studios

The majority of “Avengers: Endgame” takes place in 2023, five years after the events of “Avengers: Infinity War.”

Late in the movie, Nebula from 2014 time travels to 2023. She’s then killed by Nebula from 2023. If future Nebula kills her past self, shouldn’t she be dead, too?

I suppose she’s alive because Bruce tells the group earlier on that your past self doesn’t effect your future, but I’m really having a tough time seeing how Nebula continues to exist if she’s just been wiped from history.

9. We can bring Gamora back after being killed in “Infinity War,” but you’re telling me you can’t bring back Black Widow?

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Did they really need to kill Black Widow?

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Marvel/Disney

This is where the time travel stuff started to bug me. Red Skull said anyone who gives their life for the soul stone cannot come back from the dead. He didn’t explain why. When pressed for answers Hawkeye tells Thor to go and talk to Red Skull himself.

Gamora was killed in 2018’s “Infinity War” because of the soul stone and she’s now back (even though it’s a past version of herself from before those events). If we’re playing by those rules, then couldn’t the team just get a Black Widow/Natasha from the past and bring her back into the future?

Bruce Banner simply says there’s no way to bring Black Widow back without explanation. Later he mentions that when he snapped his fingers wearing the new Infinity Gauntlet that he tried to bring her back but simply couldn’t. Some force wouldn’t let him.

Earlier in the film, Banner is told by the Ancient One that right after they use the Infinity Stones to fix their timeline, they need to return them to the moments in which they were removed. If not, they would have opened up some bad alternate realities. I’m wondering if some of those bad alternate realities would have occurred if they tried bringing a Nat from another point in time into 2023.

10. How easy is it to put the stones back in time?

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Did we just forget Captain America would have to reinsert the reality stone back into Jane somehow?

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Marvel

The Ancient One told Bruce Banner that as soon as they reverse the effects of Thanos’ snap that they need to return the Infinity stones to the exact moments where they retrieved them from. Otherwise, time as they know it could split into different realities where terrible events could occur.

At the film’s end, we see Captain America volunteer to go back in time and put the stones back. He apparently has no problem doing this. Honestly, it seems like it should be a bit tougher to do that. Wouldn’t there be even more versions of himself in some realities he has to deal with?

It also seems like it would be more of a hassle inserting the aether back into Jane in “Thor: The Dark World” instead of extracting it. I would really like to watch and see how Captain America goes about doing that without getting caught.

11. One more thought. How exactly does Captain America return the soul stone?

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None of us are ever going to understand how the soul stone works.

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Marvel

How does that work? Does he just hand it to Red Skull? Shouldn’t he be able to get Natasha back?

You need to trade a soul to get the soul stone. It seems like you should get something in exchange for returning it. What a rip-off.

12. Why didn’t they use the time machine to just get more Pym Particles?

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Why are Tony Stark and Scott Lang acting like Hank Pym (above) doesn’t exist in 2012 to visit?

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Marvel

Several times throughout the movie, Ant-Man makes it very clear they have a small supply of Pym Particles to travel back in time. Once they’re used up, that’s it! But if they simply traveled back to a moment before Pym vanished, the team could have easily had a possibly unlimited supply of Pym Particles. At the least, Pym could have provided them with more.

This is even more mind-boggling when Tony, Captain America, Bruce Banner, and Ant-Man go to 2012 to acquire three Infinity Stones at once. When Tony loses the Tesseract, Ant-Man tells him he blew it and that they only have enough Pym Particles to just return home.

Tony and Cap decide to go farther back in time to go get some more Pym particles. But they could have just stayed in 2012 and flew to Hank Pym to ask him for more. I guess all of that wouldn’t have been as fun.

13. Where were all of these missing characters?

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The end of “Endgame” makes this entire romantic subplot in “Civil War” feel strange.

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Walt Disney Studios/Marvel

“Avengers: Endgame” features a lot of characters, including some returning faces from past movies. However, we were surprised a few characters were nowhere to be found, including Ant-Man’s best friend Luis, his ex-wife, Maggie, Sharon Carter, and the Vision?

We were convinced Luis would have helped his best friend Ant-Man out of the quantum realm if he wasn’t among those lost at the end of “Infinity War.” Why even bother with the Sharon Carter and Cap romance in “Civil War” if we were never going to see her again? I was also surprised Tony never tried to rebuild some form of Vision/Jarvis. He can figure out time travel in no time, but rebuilding a friend? Nah.

One of the biggest mysteries to me while watching was why we never saw either of Cassie Lang’s parents briefly on screen. Was Cassie just living on her own? I need answers and closure.

14. Where was the villain from the beginning of “Guardians of the Galaxy”?

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This is Korath. He’s also in “Captain Marvel.”

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Guardians of the Galaxy trailer

If we’re following the events of the 2014 movie, after Peter Quill successfully gets the power stone, he’s met by Korath who tries to take it from him. He conveniently never shows up to confront Nebula and War Machine though.

15. How do Nebula’s 2023 memories sync up with her 2014 self?

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This was a doozy.

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Marvel

The moment that Nebula heads back in time to 2014, her past self gains awareness of all her memories.

What is going on and how does that make any sense? I’ve interpreted it as if all of Nebula’s memories are stored in something similar to Apple’s iCloud, which is unfortunate for the Avengers. Nebula in 2014 is more machine than human. Thanos has basically ripped her apart and rebuilt her with robotic parts. When Nebula goes back in time from 2023, she unexpectedly syncs up with other self.

Still confused? It’s like when you buy a new iPad or phone and you’re able to download all of your content from the cloud. It makes sense, but it’s awfully convenient to keep the plot moving along.

16. What was the point of making such a big deal out of Project Pegasus in “Captain Marvel”?

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Project Pegasus is also in “The Avengers.”

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Marvel

It seemed like a very clear set up for the entire time travel story. It’s blatantly said in “Captain Marvel” that Project Pegasus involved Wendy Lawson was trying to figure out how to harness the energy of the Tesseract – the cube which held the blue Infinity stone – to create a light-speed engine.

What would that have been used for? Probably to travel through time and space. Yet, it’s never even mentioned in “Endgame.”

You can read more on Pegasus here.

17. Is Loki’s fate changed at all since he escaped with the Tesseract in 2012 now?

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Loki may be on a totally different path now.

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Marvel

When Tony and Ant-Man went back in time to 2012, they changed things up for Loki. Instead of returning to Asgard with his brother Thor, he wound up with the Tesseract and escaped into the unknown.

Where’d he go? We have no idea. Do his actions still lead to his death in “Infinity War”? Also, unclear. We know Loki is among the few

Is his Disney plus streaming show going to take place somewhere in this new timeline of events?

18. Is Thor a Guardian of the Galaxy now?

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Thor’s on board to become an Asgardian of the Galaxy.

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Disney

Thor goes off with Rocket and the Guardians at the film’s end, hinting we’ll see him head on adventures with them next. Does this mean we could see the God of Thunder in “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3”? If he doesn’t get a fourth “Thor” movie, perhaps. The quirky humor and vibe of “Ragnarok” certainly lent itself to “Guardians.”

19. Where did Gamora go and will she return to the Guardians of the Galaxy?

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Quill may want to find Gamora, but she may not want to be found.

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Marvel

The Gamora we know now has no memories of the Guardians of the Galaxy. As a result, she just left and disappeared after Thanos and his army vanished in thin air. When Thor boarded the Guardians’ ship, you could see Quill was searching for Gamora with no luck.

Where did Gamora go and is she even really out there?

What would be really interesting is whether or not Gamora actually vanished with Thanos and everyone else from 2014. We don’t know what Tony wished for when he snapped his fingers. He didn’t know Gamora. He could have wished for all of the bad guys to be gone or he simply could have wished for everyone from the wrong timeline to vanish. It would be devastating to lose her again, but it would really clear things up and make them a bit less confusing.

20. What’s next for the Hulk?

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The Hulk seems to be on his own at the end of “Endgame.”

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Marvel

Thor left his other buddy back on Earth. Bruce Banner’s BFF Tony is gone, Captain America is an old man, Natasha’s dead, and Clint is back with his family. Disney still can’t do its own standalone Hulk movie because they don’t have the rights for that so will we see him team up with someone else?

I’m absolutely OK with Banner hulking out with Peter Parker as the two grieve a common friend. Maybe Hulk will head back to the Sanctum Sanctorum and properly introduce himself to Doctor Strange. He already went there twice now in “Infinity War” and “Endgame.” That doesn’t seem like a coincidence. If Mordo’s alive, Strange can use some friends.

21. If the Ancient one really sees everything, shouldn’t she have seen that Bruce would come to her?

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Were you surprised to see Tilda Swinton back?

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Disney

If not, does the Ancient One who later meets Doctor Strange know of everything that will come to pass?

22. Who is Black Widow’s dad?

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Black Widow said she didn’t even know her father’s name in “Endgame.”

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Marvel

If you go back and watch every “Avengers” movie, there’s always a brief explanation of moments from Black Widow’s life. In “Endgame,” Red Skull mentions her father’s name. Loki also mentioned her dark past in “Avengers.” I’m guessing this is something that will be at the heart of the planned “Black Widow” movie.

23. So that Black Widow movie is a prequel, right?

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It seems like we’ll be visiting Black Widow’s past. It’s been teased a lot before.

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Marvel / Paramount

We watched her give her life to acquire the soul stone and Hawkeye and Bruce Banner made it very clear several times over that she’s not coming back.

The only logical way for her to come back in a movie would be in flashbacks. We only know bits and pieces of Black Widow’s harrowing past so far.

24. What happened in Budapest?

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Are we ever going to find out what mission Nat and Clint went on years ago? They won’t stop talking about it.

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Marvel/YouTube

Clint Barton and Black Widow have vaguely talked about something that happened in Budapest nearly every time they’re together on screen. After 11 years, we still have no idea what they’re talking about. Maybe Hawkeye is going to be in this “Black Widow” movie, too.

25. How does time in the quantum realm work? It appears to have worked differently for Scott Lang and Janet Van Dyne.

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Janet van Dyne was in the quantum realm for 30 years. Scott was in there for five. Only one of them aged.

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Marvel

Scott was in the quantum realm for five years and said it felt like five hours. Janet was in there for 30 years and it’s safe to say that more than 30 hours passed for her. She doesn’t appear to have aged any slower at all.

As the dalek in “Doctor Who” say, “Explain.”

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