#2022 i finally pulled myself out of feeling like shit and for a few months i was like man this is my year! i am doing well!

[cigarette-room]

atp i really just wanna study to get my mind off of all the bad shit but also it's hard when your face is swollen and your mouth is bleeding and your jaw fucking hurts hope y'all are having a better day than this!!!

[everythingpresley]

Don't You Kiss Me Once or Twice - Chapter 12

Character/Fandom: Elvis - Elvis (2022)

Prompt: Jessica Anderson is Elvis Presley's assistant and after months of working together, slowly something sparks between them. Friendship? Or is it more? [ Fem!Reader ]

Rating: Explicit/Mature (NSFW, 18+), Slowburn

    ||     Word Count: 5,144

Author's Note: Sorry I haven't updated in a while but I'm finally back! Hope you like this chapter and the new perspective!

Masterlist

Elvis’s POV

2 years ago - 1969

Looking for an assistant was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and even when I did find one they don’t usually last long. The Colonel has been hounding me to hire one because the work load on him was “too much” and said I needed a personal assistant that can help both me and him. I had just wrapped the first few shows at the International Hotel it was exhilarating, it honestly felt like my heart was going to explode on that stage. It felt great to be back on a stage with a live audience. I had just finished the evening show and jumped into the shower. I threw on some clothes and fixed up my hair when someone knocked on the door. 

“E.P!” Jerry’s voice boomed from the other side of the door “You decent, man?” 

“Come on in Jerry!” I called out.

Jerry walked in, I turned to see him walk in with probably the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. Wow. She had dark brown hair and green eyes. Her bright green eyes stood out to me the most, they were the brightest, emerald green I’ve ever seen. My heart raced when her eyes made contact with my blue ones. Her lips slowly formed into a soft, polite smile. I got the sudden urge to reach forward and kiss her beautiful lips, I needed to feel her lips on mine.

“Hi Mister Presley. I’m Jess Anderson.” She said and walked towards me with her hand outstretched for me to shake. I gulped and managed to smile, taking her hand in mine.

“P-Please call me Elvis, honey.” I smiled, work the charm. She’s already here for you. I kept my eyes on her, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her even if I tried “You’ve out done yourself Jerry. Just my type. Where on earth did you find her?”  I grinned at her when she gave me a slightly confused look. I kept my hand in hers. I couldn’t wait to sink my cock balls deep into her after Jerry leaves, why is he still standing around?

“Uh E.P, she’s not-“ Jerry started. 

“What?” I asked, frowning slightly when she pulled her hand from my grip. She looked down at her shoes, her cheeks flushing deep red. I wanted to reach forward and kiss her flamed cheeks, she looks way too cute blushing.

“The Colonel liked her CV and thought you should get the final say if you want her as your assistant.” Jerry said. 

Oh Fuck.

“Oh.” I breathed, then turned to look at Jerry who smiled sheepishly. I thought she was one of the girls from the show “My assistant.” 

I turned to look at Jess, my assistant. She bit her lip, looking everywhere but at me “I-I’m sorry honey, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

She chuckled and looked up, finally making eye contact with me again “It’s no problem Mister Presley.”

“Elvis please, Miss Anderson.” I smiled.

“Sure but only if you call me Jess.” She smiled back, more relaxed and less timid and I swear she could hear my heart beating out of my chest. 

“Of course. Jess.” I breathed. 

“I’ll be here in Vegas for a few days and we can get to know each other better to see if this would actually work. I won’t take much of your time, I’ll see you tomorrow before rehearsals?” She said.

I nodded. 

Ah shit. I made a complete fool outta myself. She’s possibly my new assistant. I’m screwed. 

After the midnight show, getting into bed I couldn’t help but let my thoughts drift to my new assistant. I slipped my hands into my silk pajama bottoms, palming my cock imagining her big pouty lips wrapped around my cock, her big bright green eyes looking up at me with tears streaming down her beautiful face as I pounded into the back of her throat. I moaned, pumping my cock faster in my hand. Oh I'm in so much trouble, acting like a damn little boy cuming into his pants. Hell, she didn’t even have to do much and I was already aching for her. 

The next day I got dressed in a red button down with puffy sleeves, black slacks and one of my favorite chunky, chain belts. I didn’t get the chance to see Jess because we had rehearsals so I guess I’ll see her after. I walked on stage, making sure to greet the band when I spotted her siting in the audience seats with the Colonel, my daddy and Jerry. She smiled at me when I looked at her, I grinned and nodded a greeting to her.

“Damn man, that’s your new assistant?” James asked, standing next to me. I nodded, turning my head to see him stare at her “How will you ever get any work done with her around?” He chuckled.

“I have no idea.” I mumbled, my eyes focused on her. His words made my stomach churn, I didn’t want him talking about her in any way or looking at her like a damn thirsty dog. 

We started rehearsals singing a few songs, I made sure to sneak glances back at her to see her reaction. She was smiling slightly the entire time. Jerry said something which made her turn and laugh. I frowned wanting her attention back at me so I started goofing around and making jokes which made her laugh out loud. I grinned looking at her, that was the best damn sound, it was like music to my ears. I decided it was my mission to make her laugh.

I jumped down the stage when we took a break and walked over to the table they were siting at. 

“What did you think doll?” I said, placing my palms on the table and leaning forward to look at her.

“That was incredible and it was just the rehearsal, can’t imagine seeing you actually perform to an audience.” She smiled brightly. 

I chuckled, feeling my cheeks heat up at her compliment “ What do you think of her daddy?” I turned to my dad. 

“She’s a sweetheart and she’s damn funny.” Daddy said which made her chuckled and shake her head.

“She has the same sense of humor as you.” Jerry added, grinning at her “I think she’ll fit in perfectly with us.”

“Wow, I made that good of an impression in one day?” She asked chuckling. We all laughed along with her. 

“What do you think Colonel?” I asked, turning to the Colonel. 

“Up to you, my boy.” He replied shrugging “She does have a good resume, she seems smart and capable.” 

“Okay then. You’re hired.” I said, turning to look at her. 

She furrowed her brows “Are you sure? I-I don’t want you to make a rash decision.”

I chuckled “I’m not. Don’t worry darlin’” 

“Well… you could always fire me if it doesn’t work out.” She shrugged. 

I burst out laughing “Well… yeah.” 

She stood up and grinned, stretching her hand out to me “But I promise, I’ll do my very best job. Thank you for the opportunity, Elvis.” 

I grinned, biting down on my lip. I loved the way my name rolled off of her tongue. I reached forward and grasped her hand, shaking it gently. God her hand was tiny in mine. 

I looked into those pretty green eyes and I knew, she could bat her dark lashes at me and I would fold and give her the world. This girl is gonna be a pain in my ass.

Present Day - 1971

Fuck. My heart dropped when Jess landed harshly on the ground with a loud bang. My legs felt like jello, I couldn’t move. It took me a second before I quickly took off, running towards her screaming her name repeatedly. Oh please be okay, please. 

“Jess!” I yelled, sliding on the sand as I got on my knees next to her head “Come on honey, please open your eyes.” I cradled her head in my hands and reached down to unclip her helmet. I threw it to the side and tapped her cheek “Please sweet girl, please open your eyes.” 

“Help me!” I yelled. I spotted one of my security guards sprinting over to me.

“Mr. Presley? Are you okay? We heard a loud thud.” He panted.

“No! Call an ambulance!” 

He nodded quickly and ran off. 

“Don’t do this to me, Jess.” I muttered, not knowing what to do. My eyes filled with tears, please wake up “Please baby. Please.” I felt helpless. I cradled her closer, dipping my face into her neck. The familiar sent of her perfume that she always wore hit my nostrils, I inhaled deeply. My favorite smell in the whole world. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as we waited for the ambulance to get here. I made sure that she wore a helmet so why isn’t she waking up? 

“Mr. Presley.” The security guard called “Mr. Presley.” He repeated. I didn’t hear him the first time, I was praying that she would wake up “The EMT is here.”

“What happened?” The EMT asked.

“She uh- she-“ I started, not being able to speak because I was trying to hold back my tears. My throat burned, I wanted to let it out “She f-f-fell off the-the h-horse. But she-she was w-wearing her helmet.” 

The picked her up and got her into the ambulance, I quickly jumped in with them. I took my hand in hers and continued to pray to God that she would wake up and be okay. She had to. Please be okay, please, please I chanted again and again in my head.

“Mr. Presley, you need to let her go. She needs to go in for a CT scan, she might have a brain bleed.” The doctor said when I refused to let go of her hand. 

I gulped and reluctantly let go “But she wore a helmet. I don’t understand.” I whispered watching my heart getting rolled away in a gurney. 

“Mr. Presley, helmets reduce the risk of head injury by as much as fifty percent but it doesn’t completely eliminate the risk.” The doctor said and gave me a pitiful smile “But hopefully the helmet did protect her brain, we just need to see the CT scan to help us understand why she isn’t waking up.” He left, walking through the swinging doors that Jess just passed through.

“Mr. Presley, please lets get you upstairs in a private room while you wait for her. People are already looking.” The nurse said and ushered me to the elevators. 

It just hit me that people were actually staring at me, they recognized me and I didn’t have any of my security on me. I sat in the private room for a few minutes when the entire Memphis Mafia minus Jerry came bursting in. I made sure my tears were wiped, I didn’t need them seeing me cry. 

“E.P! What the fuck happened?!” Red asked with wide eyes.

“Jess fell off the horse.” I mumbled, keeping my eyes strained at my feet when I felt them burn with unshed tears. She’s okay, I shouldn’t be crying. She’s okay.

“W-What? Is she okay?” Charlie asked. 

“I-I don’t know.” I whispered. 

“Well she’s gotta be okay. It’s Jess, she’s-she’s strong.” Joe said. I looked up to see him gulping and running his hands through his hair. Charlie already had tears in my eyes. I’ve never seen the guys get emotional over anything, this just goes to prove how much everyone loved Jess. Even though she’s the newest one of the group, she seemed to capture the entire group’s hearts. 

I don’t know how long we sat in that room, the Mafia Members going back and forth to the cafeteria, getting coffee and food. I couldn’t bring myself to eat. My mind was racing. 

“Mr. Presley.” The doctor announced, walking into the room. 

“Yeah?” I asked, standing up. My heart raced as I waited for the next words that came out of his mouth. 

“Good news, she doesn't have a brain bleed. Had she not been wearing that helmet, she probably would’ve been in a way worse shape.” 

“Thank god.” Everyone mumbled. 

“Okay, is she awake?” I asked.

“Unfortunately, she isn’t. Since she hit her head pretty hard, she does have a very bad concussion. She should be waking up but we did all the tests, there is no reason for her to still be unconscious. We just need to wait for her.” The doctor continued. 

“Fuck.” I mumbled, running my hands through my hair in frustration. 

“They’re bringing her in in a few minutes.” The doctor said and left. 

The nurses wheeled her in and I felt like I was going to explode. I couldn’t cry in front of them, I can’t. 

“We’ll uh, wait outside.” Red said and indicated for everyone to follow him out, shutting the door behind them. It was just me and her. I stayed still in my spot, staring at her beautiful face. I slowly crept forward and grasped her hand in mine, I placed a small kiss on the top of her hand as the tears started streaming down my face.

“Wake up Jess.” I mumbled against her hand “Wake up baby.”

I let go of her hand and ran my fingers through her soft hair and caressed her cheek. 

“I love you.” I whispered, looking down at her beautiful face “I love you. I love you.” I repeated “Please wake up.” 

I loved her so much. It didn’t hit me till now how much I loved this one person. She made my heart beat out of my chest. I looked forward to the days when its just me and her at Graceland, those were my favorite. Before her I used to love when Graceland was filled with my friends and family, now I loved when it was just us. I can’t lose her. I can’t. She needs to be here. I need to experience waking up with her in my arms again. I could count the times I slept so good. Three. Three times I slept so good. The first time we slept together. The day she gave me a massage. The time she was drunk and slept in my bed in California. It was all with her. I love her. 

When you are not in love, you’re not alive. Everything was a thousand times better when she was around. Everything seemed brighter. Yes we weren’t together but our relationship felt like we were married for a very long time without the intimacy part. We cared for one another. She understood me and that’s all I ever wanted was to be understood. She didn’t try to change me and she didn’t make fun of my beliefs. 

I pulled a chair up to her bed and buried my face into the blanket by her waist and held her hand in mine when all of a sudden the door burst open. I lifted my head and saw a tearful Grace and Jerry walking in.

“What happened?” Grace gasped.

“She fell.” I mumbled, letting go of her hand as Grace walked over and placed her hand on Jess’ head, caressing her forehead. 

“When is she waking up?” Jerry asked coming to stand next to his wife.

“They don't know.” I replied. 

“Oh my god.” Grace cried and turned to hug Jerry who bit down on his lip harshly but I could still see the tears in his eyes. I looked away not being able to hold myself together. 

“Excuse me.” Jerry mumbled once Grace pulled away from him, he quickly rushed out of the room. 

“Oh Elvis. Is she gonna be okay?” 

“I-I don’t know Grace.” I said my voice cracking “This is all my fault.” I mumbled, running my hands through my hair. 

“What- Elvis.” Grace shook her head no. 

I shook my head, my lips trembling “It’s my fault. If-if I-I-i didn’t wake her up to teach her then she would probably be waking up right now in Graceland. It’s all m-my fault.” I cried, wiping my tears as they came rushing down my face. 

“Elvis, Elvis. Stop. This is not your fault whatsoever, how could you have predicted this? You were so gentle and slow with her the entire time. I saw it. You made sure she was safe and you didn’t take your eyes off of her for a second. It was an accident, that’s all it is. An accident.” Grace said. 

“What if she doesn't wake up?” I whispered. 

Grace gulped and turned to look at Jess’ sleeping form. 

“I didn’t even get to-“ I started then realized what I was about to say. I was about to admit it out loud and I wasn’t ready. Not when I knew Jess didn’t feel the same way.

“You didn’t get to what?” Grace asked slowly. 

I turned to look at Jess “I didn’t get to tell her how I feel about her.” I sighed. 

“I knew it!” Grace said loudly “Sorry.” She said when I looked at her. This was not the time at all. 

I reached over and grabbed her hand once again. 

“She’s gonna wake up, Elvis. She’s gonna wake up and you’ll get to tell her how you feel.” Grace said. 

I gulped, keeping my eyes on our intertwined hands “She has to.” I whispered.

“Something happened between you two, right?” Grace asked. 

“She didn’t tell you?” I asked. She shook her head no “Of course she didn’t. She pretended like it didn’t happen. We slept together.” And it killed me when she woke up the next day and regretted it. I had to pretend like I didn’t care so that she doesn’t quit and leave. Because I would rather have her around as my assistant than not have her at all.

Grace gasped “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.”

“Because she wanted to erase it out of her memory.”

“Were you that bad?” Grace joked, trying to lighten up the mood. I chuckled caressing my thumb back and forth on her hand. 

“No but she doesn't want me.” 

“Elvis- that-that is not true.” Grace shook her head.

“It’s okay Grace.” I shook my head. 

I slept with my head on the bed right next to her when someone shook my shoulder.

“Son, you need to go home. Get some sleep.” Dad said.

“I’m fine dad.” I sighed, rubbing my hands down my face.

“It’s okay, her parents are coming in any minute now.” 

“I’m not leaving her side, dad.” I groaned, cracking my neck. My back and neck ached from the awkward position I was in when I fell asleep. It was officially the next day and her parents and siblings flew in to see her. I was dreading seeing them. I went into the bathroom that was joined to the room to freshen up, wash my face and brush my teeth. I felt dirty, still in yesterday’s clothes but got rid of my jacket. 

“Elvis!” Her mom said when I came out of the bathroom. She had tears streaming down her face. I smiled timidly at her, walking over to her to hug her.

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered. 

“It’s not your fault honey.” She said, rubbing my back soothingly. 

“Mr. Anderson.” I greeted, shaking his hand. Ella smiled and hugged me while Jack shook my hand. 

“The doctor said we should let her rest and hope for the best.” I informed them. 

“She’ll wake up.” Mr. Anderson said, looking down at his eldest daughter “Jess is strong. She’s just being stubborn right now. She wants to see us cry a little.” He chuckled, running his hands through her hair. 

“Yeah, she’s being a little stubborn.” I said chuckling “Hard headed this girl.” 

“She really is.” Mrs. Anderson said. 

“Where are you staying at?” I asked them. 

“We booked a hotel but we still didn’t check-in.” Jack said and I spotted their bags by the door. 

“Nonsense.” I shook my head, frowning at them “Jerry!” I called. Jerry walked in “Take the Andersons’ bags to Graceland.”

“No, no, honey. It’s okay.” Mrs. Anderson shook her head. 

“No, please.” I shook my head, not taking no for an answer “Go to Graceland, rest. You guys had a long flight. I’ll call you if anything changes, I’m not letting her out of my sight.” 

Daddy and Grace forced me to eat, Grace even went out of her way to go to Graceland and get peanut and banana sandwiches from Martha, my personal cook. They got me new clothes and I showered in Jess’ hospital room.

Jess wasn’t budging even when I tried to annoy her to wake her up.

“Jess.” I whispered in her ear “Jessica. Wake up. Don’t make me get an ice bucket and dump it on you.” I poked her nose “Wake up Jesssssica.” I sang in her ear “Do you want me to sing Lawdy Miss Clawdy again? Is that gonna wake you up?”

I sighed in frustration “Please honey.” I said and kissed her forehead “Open your beautiful green eyes that I love so much.” 

“Hey.” I looked up to see Janice walking in.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked when I spotted Matt walking in behind her. 

Grace also walked in, her eyes widened when she saw Matt. 

“I’m here to see my girlfriend.” Matt replied. 

“Like hell she is.” I growled, stalking forward when Grace jumped in in front of me, placing her hands on my chest.

“Elvis. Now’s not the time.” Grace said. 

Janice shook her head and walked past us to see Jess. 

“Get out.” I told Matt.

“I need to see her.”

“You came, you saw her. Now leave.” I clenched my jaw.

“Elvis, just let him see her for a second.” Grace said. I looked down at her, nostrils flaring. She raised her hands up in surrender. 

“No.” I hissed. 

“Seriously now is not the time for this.” Janice huffed, tears streaming down her face.

“Fine. But only for a second.” I said and went back to stand by Jess’ side, opposite of Janice. Matt walked in and stood next to Janice, reaching down to grasp Jess’ hand. I clenched my jaw but didn’t say anything, I hated seeing him with her. How come she wants him? He’s a lucky son of a bitch.

“Oh baby.” He whispered. Janice moved so that Matt could get closer to her. He leaned down and kissed her cheek “Please wake up. You promised me another date.”

I bit down on my tongue and clenched my fist. 

They’re going on another date? Over my dead body. 

He then leaned down and pecked her lips.

“That’s it! Get out!” I exploded and walked around the bed, pushing him back.

“What the hell man?! What is your problem?!”

“You.” I growled, getting in his face “You are my problem.” 

“Get off me man.” Matt said and pushed me back.

“Oh you son of a bitch.” I pushed him back.

“Hey! Stop!” Grace yelled as we continued to push each other. 

“Stop it!” Janice yelled getting between us “Jess is in a coma! And you guys are fighting like little kids!”

“This is your fault!” Matt snarled.

I breathed heavily not being able to reply, he was right. It was my fault. She wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. 

“It was an accident.” Grace replied, jumping to my defense “It’s no one’s fault. Things like this happen.”

“Matt stop.” Janice said when Matt was about to speak again “Let’s just go. Grace, please keep us updated if anything changes.”

Janice pulled Matt by the arm, both walking out of Jess’ hospital room.

I sighed and ran my hands down my face. 

“Look we’re all on edge here. You need to go home, Elvis. You need to get some sleep.” Grace said.

“You think I’ll be able to sleep?” I scoffed. 

“Maybe Dr. Nick can help you relax.” Dad said, walking in, hearing our conversation. 

“I don’t need sleep. I don’t need Dr. Nick. I need Jess to wake the hell up!” I yelled and swiped the tray off food that was brought for me on the ground.

“Elvis! Calm down!” Dad yelled.

“I will not calm down! Why isn’t she waking up?! Why do these dumbass doctors have no idea what’s wrong with her?!” I growled, pulling at my hair. 

“They’re doing all they can! The brain is unpredictable!”  

“I’m sick and tried of hearing this.” I choked, tears welding up in my eyes. 

“It’s been three days. Maybe she just needs to rest for a while.” Grace said “She’ll wake up.” She said and squeezed my shoulder, walking out of the room.

“Look I know you feel guilty about what happened but you don’t need to punish yourself.” Dad said.

“How am I punishing myself?” 

“By being by her side and not leaving the room, not eating. Her parents are here, they can stay with her.” He replied. 

I was not punishing myself whatsoever. I want to be here by her side. I want to be the first one to see her open her eyes. I felt sick thinking of a world without her, I had no appetite. He doesn’t understand that she’s more than just my assistant. 

“Why are you here, if you don’t care?” I asked him.

“Of course I care about her. But you’re killing yourself just to be by her side.” He replied “Let’s go home. The Colonel says we need to discuss a few things.”

“That son of a bitch!” I snarled “I will not repeat myself. I. Am. Not. Leaving. And you can tell the Colonel to go fuck himself. Coward, selfish, bastard.” I seethed. It pissed me off that the Colonel things I have the mental capacity to discuss business matters right now. That bastard didn’t even bother coming to visit Jess. 

“Do you have a comb?” I asked the nurse when she walked in to check on Jess after my dad left.

“Yes, let me get it for you.” The nurse smiled, got me a comb and left. 

It was already way past the visiting hours, a lot of people came and went. Her family, the Mafia members etc. But now I was on my own with her. I payed the nurses to let me stay even though I wasn’t allowed to stay. 

I pushed the bed slightly away from the wall to squeeze behind Jess’ bed with the comb in my hand.

“So I was reading a book on Comas.” I talked to Jess as I pulled her hair gently from under her head to sprawl it up on the pillow. I made Joe go and get me some books on comas and read them while I waited for Jess to wake up.

 “I learnt that people still don’t know if you can hear when people talk to Coma patients. Some say yes while others say no but I’m still going to talk to you and pretend you can actually hear me. Anyway, I learnt about something that no one ever talks about is that people in a coma can experience really bad hair matting so I’m gonna comb your hair so that it doesn’t get matted.” I told her as I slowly combed through her hair, starting from the bottom and worked myself up “Don’t want your beautiful hair to get tangled now do we?” I grinned down at her. 

“It’s now or never. Come hold me tight. Kiss me my darling. Be mine tonight.” I sang softly to her as I brushed through her hair “When I first saw you, with your smile so tender. My heart was captured. My soul surrendered. I’d spend a lifetime, waiting for the right time.” 

My mind wandered through the memories of us together. Recently I haven’t been able to actually keep my hands to myself and sometimes I get the urge to just kiss her cheek only because I know she would murder me if I kissed her lips. She would start the whole rant about how I’m her boss and she’s my assistant. She still kissed me back the other day even after her stupid date with that asshole. God I just remembered how hurtful it was to find out she was out on a date, my heart dropped. She doesn’t owe me anything, I know but it still killed me inside. So I did what I do best by turning that hurt into rage. I have no idea what came over me when I rushed out and drove to find her, I saw red at that moment. 

“Are you gonna wake up, sweet girl?” I asked her after I finished singing the song. 

“I’ve been awake for a while.” She croaked. My hands stilled, my eyes snapping from her hair to her face. She moved her neck up to look up at me. I gasped quietly, looking down at her. Oh, my heart. Those green eyes. Am I dreaming? Is she actually awake?

“I need water.” She said and gulped harshly. 

“Oh my god. You’re awake.” I whispered, stuck in place.

“What the heck happened?” She asked “Elvis?” She asked again when I didn’t respond. 

“Sorry.” I quickly rushed, pouring her a glass of water. I handed her the water when she sat up “You-you fell off of the horse.”

“Oh… yeah.” She said after taking a sip “I didn’t listen to you, I wasn’t holding on properly.” 

I frowned looking at her while she smiled sheepishly at me. 

“You think that’s funny?” I asked her, anger building up. 

“No I-“ She started but I cut her off.

“I was scared to fucking death!” I yelled “I told you to hold on! What the fuck were you thinking Jess! Why weren’t you listening to me!” 

“I-I was but-“ 

“God Jess! You were in a coma for three fucking days! You almost gave me a heart attack!” Why was I yelling at her, the poor girl just woke up but my emotions were all over the place especially with the lack of sleep.

“Three days?” She whispered, looking down at the cup in her hands “I’m sorry.” 

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair “I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t be yelling at you. It wasn’t your fault.” I turned away from her and wiped the tears from my eyes. 

“Elvis.” She sighed. 

“I-I need to call the nurse or the doctor, or something.” I mumbled and walked out of her room.

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[stinger-shot]

Yey! Silly vent because I feel like shit!

Read under the cut if you want the juicy ass details

So basically, I gotta let this shit out.. its fucking me up a bit rn.

I met this dude around the start of 2021 on tiktok AND HE WAS SO TALENTED AND FUNNY but he always said he wasn't. Anyway time skip a lil..

We started getting into a few arguments near the middle of 2022. And they where just small disagreements then they gradually got worse and worse every time it happend. And it especially got bad when I made another friend on tiktok who loved doing art related things and drew my old persona back then.

And HE WAS NOT HAVING IT and he said quite alot of bad things to me. Did I stay friends with him? Yes I did. Did I also block the nice guy just trying to be my friend? Yes. I blocked them out of fear of loosing my best friend.

And near the end of 2022 we started dating because things had gotten a better.

Oh how I was so wrong. Everything just went downhill when he left high-school. He always needed attention. He got mad at me because I couldn't set an alarm BECAUSE he was up at 10am and I was up near 1pm. So I forced myself to do so mutch bullshit for him. Like draw him art as an apology and it drained me do badly I could hardly do my own personal art.

I didn't even have personal art at this point. Every time I fixated on something it was what he was fixating on because he'd get mad at me and argue with me if I wasn't.

But everything was calm when it was around April in 2023 and we where finally getting along like an actul couple because of a game called final fantasy. We where obsessed with it for months! And then around June or July I re discovered transformers.

I have never felt as happy in a fandom since 2019! Like holy shit the fandom is so sweet.

But I kept it a secret from him he still doesn't know. Then at some point I made this tumblr to get my stupid little urges out and now look at where I'm at. I haven't been this happy in a LONG while.

And just st the start of 2024 my ex got into an argument with one of his friends and I offered to talk to them. so he agreed and I spoke to them.

Im so fucking glad I did.

Because without their help I'd still be fucking miserable. They gave me the confidence to dump that bitches ass and I honestly feel like a weight has been taken off. Because it honestly felt like a chore every day of my life just talking to him.

And my other friend on discord had helped me out to. Including you silly fuckers on discord/tumblr. If your even reading this... if you are why are you still reading this?

But anyway. I just needed this off my chest. Because it does hurt a little spite how good i feel but I just have an off feeling. I haven't put down everything that happend while I was with my ex and some things might be in the wrong order or time but at least I'm forgetting it?

Just. I love the transformers fandom so mutch mutch really helped me pull through...

Fuck I'm ranting. Uh. Bye!

Also a big thank you to Avery and rex for helping me feel better (rex I've only known you for a little bit but jesus christ I fucking laugh my ass off because of you) jesus I'm sappy as fuck. (and avery your so fucking cool. You helped me alot.) And belyyvolks (I've had alot of fun messing around about ironhide XD) I'm not tagging because I don't want alot of attention on this post.

[let-your-chaos-explode]

Can you write something platonically about a Never student calling Lesso mom?

You were so, so, so damn close to getting through this experience unscathed. Well, relatively. As unscathed as a Never gets during their schooling. Graduation was only three months away and you were finally starting to relax your shoulders a bit and think that you made it through without any embarrassing, life-altering, throw-yourself-off-a-cliff moments. 

So close…

And yet, here you were. Holed up in the old, rotting wood armoire of your dormitory and hiding like a coward behind your clothes. Shame and mortification settled firmly in your gut and blazed hotly across your cheeks. You would never be able to show your face again, let alone survive another three months in the presence of your peers. Or her. 

You grabbed one of the dingy, black traveling cloaks hanging in front of you and screamed into the fabric. 

“Now that is just entirely over-dramatic. I could almost mistake you for an Ever.” A muffled voice called from beyond your self-imposed prison. 

Your scream concluded with a startled gasp and dawning horror. Maybe, if you were quiet enough, she would just go away. 

Your silence was met with the sharp clack of a cane against the stone floor and the squeak of a nearby bed. Still, you bit your tongue. 

“I don’t have all day.” She snapped, cracking the cane against the wooden post. 

Your silence continued. You definitely didn’t have the mental fortitude to handle any more today. 

“Come out, now.” The command was sharp but quiet. 

“No.” You petulantly called back. 

Unfortunately for you, a battle of the wills was a war you were never going to win. The far corner of your hiding space erupted into eager flames. Quickly, you scrambled out of the wardrobe and fell to the floor in an ungraceful heap at her feet. 

Lady Lesso sat comfortably at the edge of the bed and smirked down at you in victory from her perch. With a twirl of her glowing finger, the flames died and any damage of her persuasion was erased. Resigned to your fate, you simply sighed and looked up at her from your sprawled position, supine on the floor. 

“Professor Manley and Professor Sheeks reported your absence from their classes. And your classmates seem to think that you have drowned yourself in the lake. Or tangoed with some reapers. A few rather boring takes, if I don’t say so myself. We need to work on the creativity of your demise.”

“Well, there’s still time. I was leaning toward something with more flair, like taking on a pack of wolves.” You said sarcastically. 

The Dean of Evil allowed a small tsk and idly started rolling her cane between long fingers. It’s clear she was waiting for you to speak, but you had no desire to relive your most recent trauma. 

“I won’t let you throw away all the astoundingly competent work you have completed in your tenure here. Whatever…teenager…things you are feeling regarding the matter, you will suck it up and return to class. You’ve barely a season left.” Lady Lesso lectured.

And it almost feels like a typical class lesson. If it weren’t that she was the root of your discomfort. 

You merely groaned and threw your elbow over your eyes.  “I am the laughing stock of the entire school! There is no coming back from this.”

“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

“I called you mom! In front of the entire graduating class!” You exclaimed, rising from the floor in exasperation. 

“Yes, how unfortunate.” She deadpanned. “Anyways, I think Evil stands a chance this year, and I need you to get your shit together.”

It’s all you could do to not pull your hair out in frustration. 

Lady Lesso took in a steadying breath and rose to her feet, pinching the bridge of her nose tightly. A few mumbled words under her breath, a quick glance to the heavens above (very likely in a prayer for patience), and a tightening of her shoulders betrayed her mounting irritation. Seemingly swallowing it down, she hesitated only briefly before laying a cool hand on your shoulder. 

“Look, I’ve been teaching here longer than you’ve been alive. If you think you are the first person to call me mom, you are dumber than I thought.”

“But…”

“It was a simple slip of the tongue. Get over it.” Her smile was sharp and she pinched one of your cheeks mockingly. “Now, you better head to dinner before you starve to death. Now that would be an ending even the Storian would be ashamed of.”

“Yes, mom. ” You teased back, ducking a swat from her cane. 

“Cheeky brat!” She called after you, subtle threads of affection seeping into her words.  

You let it be your courage as you entered the dining hall to face the music.

[lovequinn]

annual new years eve post where i ramble about my feelings into the void as if anyone is going to read it

2022 wasn't a perfect year, but it was the year i needed

i keep trying to type this post and end up backspacing it because this one isn't as easy as the last few times i've done one of these. this wasn't the best year of my life, by a long shot. it also wasn't even close to the worst. the most significant? maybe.

the very first thing that happened to me in january was a terrible case of covid (which i had totally avoided until then) that took me an entire month and then some to recover from, and i was pretty sure it would set the tone for how the rest of 2022 went. yet this ended up being the year i moved forward for the first time in a long time. was every step i took the right one? probably not. there are a lot of things i'm not happy with right now. but there are a lot of things i am happy with, and the things i'm not put into perspective what i actually want to do to change them (to an extent lol we are still a little lost out here).

i pushed forward in a career that i enjoy and i'm good at. i admitted that i'm really not in love with new york city the way i always felt i was supposed to be. a lot of the time i actively dislike it here. i did fall in love with los angeles and for the first time in my life stepped into a place and got the overwhelming feeling, for no apparent reason, that it was right (thank you again @laynemorgan for letting me sleep on your futon and eat your food and for helping turn what would have been a terrible weekend into something so much more important to me).

so many posts on here this year were me joking that i had regressed into old fandoms and old embarrassing ships but honestly? it was a big lesson in just reconnecting with things that make me feel joy. i spent a good chunk of years losing what i love in some attempt to be something else and connect with people who were never going to be good for me. finding yellowjackets and feeling that indescribable pull towards a piece of media again, the energy and desire to write and create and be in a community, was like meeting an old friend and realizing "i haven't exactly been the same without you here." jumping (a little manically) back into glee, supercorp, and so many more things that used to be such HUGE parts of my life brought something back that i didn't know i had been missing. and i don't particularly care anymore if that sounds stupid. fuck it.

i gained a lot of self respect this year (new for me!) and really learned what good friendships and good relationships look like, the kind that i deserve to have. i learned a lot about myself, and took steps to not only guard my own peace but make sure i am doing better and doing right by the people around me. i did a lot of things i regret and that i could've thought through better, and i did a lot of things that were overdue and freeing and led to something brighter. i'm working on not giving a shit about what people think about me when they don't even bother to get to know me. to boot, i got comfortable with the nonbinary label and knew i was finally surrounded by the right people when everyone just rolled with it.

i also felt those first butterflies in my stomach for someone new recently that i thought had been dead for a couple of years lmao (reading this back and i definitely meant the butterflies were dead. not the person. i'm not crushing on a corpse. thank you). i don't care if that doesn't go anywhere but like...if you know me well, you know that's big after the last couple of years. so. cool.

and i dyed my hair red this week because i never got to do that as a teenager and i figured why the fuck not. here's to entering the new year with a head the color of wine.

this got really long, these posts aren't usually this much, but i hope my friends (and my mutuals here!!) know i love them and they helped me experience all of this. i would do 2022 again in a heartbeat. the emotional drunk nights out, the video game nights in, the road trips, the concerts, the long days of work, the good, the bad, the annoying.

here's to a cautiously optimistic 2023. ❤️

[mikroaaurora]

confused

_____________________

 Woooow what a handful of a start to 2023. I think I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief about 10 times during this month and a half. I’ve defiantly also experience a LOT within the shortest time although January felt like three months compiled into just one.

The BIG, big one was that I actually met someone, well this was December of 2022 but after about a month things were going well for us, actually things were going really well. I really liked this guy and I’m pretty sure he was reciprocating the same feelings back, and for me this was quite big because I had never been in a real relationship before, I mean I had dated a girl but she was my best friend so eh, and I had also dated long-out-of-the-country distance before, but I had never actually had a real relationship, and mind you this was with a boy.

I was nervous meeting him for the first date, hell I was shitting myself, honestly I think I almost considered driving back home, but I didn’t and we had a really great night.

Fast forward we would spend hours at night talking and watching movies (especially watching movies), staying up till 6am until one of us would doze off for a bit and then laughing at the fact we can both see the sun through our blinds. It was really really good, and it became quite a consistent habit to the point where I was wishing I just had one night to myself to play games haha.

I could also see my mood changing and I felt more happier, my family noticed me feeling happier.

A few weeks later after I saw him again things started to change, I mean he had his reasons that were completely reasonable so we talked a little less, took a little longer to reply to each other but it was okay, I had to understand. I just think that it was a little hard for me since we were talking so much constantly, I think I got a bit attached and clingy so I had to pull myself out of that mindset which wasn’t as easy but it got there.

Before I knew it we were not really talking at all and I was missing him constantly, at one point I think I got a little depressed for a few days because of it, since I was thinking… was it something I did? Did I do something wrong?? Whats happening???? But no matter what I could think of nothing has me pointing the finger at myself because we had just been like normal before we stopped talking so much. I struggled quite a bit through those probably 4 days, I didn’t do anything, wake up, watch tv all day, check tiktok a few times go to sleep, that’s all I did for about 4 days straight.

Honestly I would like to say a big fuck you to tiktok for also showing me so many relationship advice tiktoks on my fyp that fed into my anxiety and stress which didn’t help at all.

That was until I got sick of being sad.

One thing that I always admire about myself and pride myself on is how I can change my mood very quickly, and instantly motivate myself to be more positive. So I did. I was more positive and productive than I had been in the last 6 months. I was finally getting around to doing things I had put off for the longest time, I was waking up early, cooking myself new recipes and it made me feel really good!

Something that also helped was that I tend to get hyperfixated on something, in this case it was a movie/ movie characters, so tiktok I take that back thank you for feeding my hyperfixation.

Eventually I decided to text him after about 2 weeks of not talking, even though I was waiting for a response from him I said fuck it.

We talked for a few days but things just went back to normal and it felt like he was detaching himself a bit. But I kept gaslighting myself saying he’s busy, and tired because he was busy, he had a lot going on, but I don’t know things told me otherwise.

Now I think the worst part of this was he never established what we are, he did mention that we were in a relationship and god we acted like it but I just need that verbal confirmation.

I am still waiting for that confirmation and sometimes he’ll do things that will make me think okay we’re all fine, but then he’ll forget things that we had planned to do and I just get sad and confused all over again.

Confused that is the big word, constantly being confused.

Now I actually want to text him and ask him about what we are because I feel like it will be too hard to meet up and idk about calling, and I would like to know sooner or later before I become more confused with myself. But I told myself I would wait until valentines day is done just encase he decides to make a move, and wait until my trip this week is done since I don’t want to make myself stressed or sad.

But as for now the ball is in his court and I’m hoping he makes a move soon.

[1c3312]

12/31/2022

well. it's definitely been a year! i have mixed feelings about 2022, i don't think the year was horrible but it was absolutely not good at all. so much was done but at the same time it feels like nothing was accomplished at the same time, y'know? anyways, here's my year in review.

january: started off pretty shit with that heartbreak, not gonna lie. don't remember much else that happened in january

february: still heartbroken during valentines day but at least we had the cute GSA party. february has also been mostly forgotten

march: did anything important happen in march? SPRING BREAK! omg, the cruise and meeting all of those amazing people and then never seeing them after a week. what an awesome experience! i love that i got to share that time with my family

april: academic hall of fame induction!! losing a best friend over something miniscule. PROM OMG. drank for the first time

may: finishing and graduating high school 27th in my class with academic honors!!!! start of going to a boatload of grad parties, got covid right at the end of the semester

june: more grad parties!! hung out with friends a couple times, smoked for the first time, just kinda hung out

july: even more grad parties! just a lot more hanging out. had my grad party which was super fun!!

august: finally started driving!!! I TURNED 18!!!!!!!! came out to dad!!

september: GOT MY LICENSE!!!! could finally drive and i had a car!!!! started applying for job! had a dennys date w the grippers !! also started my awesome and cool stoner arc

october: I GOT THE JOB??????? first day goes super well, i could definitely see myself working here in the future!

november: lots more working!! have a cute little friendsgiving! also got november employee of the month???? how??

december: crashed my car :( do LOTS AND LOTS of working, friend christmas was so fun <33 got covid right before new years

that was the big parts of my year! lots of awesome days and lots of shit days in between as well. well, onwards into the new year! 2023 is gonna be big for me, i can just feel it

just a few new years resolutions i have: sticking to this daily journaling, starting testosterone and legally changing my name (MAYBE top surgery), coming out to mom and rest of family, picking up at least one new hobby, trying to stick with bass guitar, finally get my dream wardrobe and start dressing how i want to, do a little dabbling in dating, nose pierced 2x and at least one tattoo, hang out with friends so much more often, start working more hours (maybe move up?), smoke out of a bong, + a few more things

and now, the start of daily journaling...

how was today? today was okay!! just a lot of me being sick and sitting in my room. not super productive but i hope that i can start some pretty solid habits in the new year. i've got this!!

todays overall mood: neutral, not bad not good

last nights dream: don't remember

a memory i thought about today: being on the cruise and eating so much ice cream

favorite thing that happened today: dad made fried rice and pulled pork and it was so yummy!

internet drama update: andrew tate getting fucking arrested yesterday FUCKING FINALLY

how much did i smoke today?: probably 7-8 hits throughout the day and i'm bout to have a few more :P

did i work today?: nah bro i have covid rn!

todays weather: cloudy + a little rain. high of 38 low of 33

final day rating: ★★★☆☆

[autumnlivesagain]

the trigger warnings in my bio apply:

on january 10th, 2022 around 5 am i was sexually assaulted by jose olalde. i was drunk and asleep. when i awoke, i was confused and didn’t understand what was happening to me. and then i did and it hit me like a fucking train. i’ll never be able to recover from the feeling of dread that hit me when i realized that someone i trusted was trying to have sex with me while i was unconscious. nothing can prepare you for it. there’s no real handbook about how to get away, or how to stop him. when the shock wore off, i panicked and tore his disgusting hands off of me and pulled my clothes back on and ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside. i was in the bathroom for about 5 hours, unable to sleep or do anything besides stare at the wall and convince myself that it didn’t really happen. that it was just a bad dream, that he wouldn’t do that. he wouldn’t risk his friend group like that, and on our friends’ couch no less, literally surrounded by our other friends who were also asleep in that living room. but he did, he even slid my phone under the door with a message on it apologizing for “making me uncomfortable.” if only. he didn’t just make me uncomfortable, he fucking traumatized me. for life. no take-backs, no jinxes, can’t knock this one off of wood. i’m fucked. i waited until late morning, when someone i trusted was able to get me out of there and into my car without having to see him.

the day after, i told all of our mutual friends about what happened and most of them believed me. a select few just believed me to my face and decided that since he didn’t molest them, he was still cool. in the following days (well, month really) i did everything in my power to not think about it and pretend i was strong. i drank and drank until it wasn’t in the front my mind, i barely ate but less than usual, and gave other men my body to try to get over it. i wanted their hands on me so maybe i wouldn’t feel his all the time. as you can probably imagine, it didn’t work. a week after what he did to me, i ended up at the same place where it happened and finally broke down and had a panic attack. which just led to me getting really drunk again.

in the first month of 2022 i was so traumatized that i couldn’t do anything but party until he wasn’t on my mind. i took a mental health sabbatical from my job, then lost it bc i was so busy going out that i didn’t go back. because i lost my job, and spent all of my money on drinking, as well as driving to san marcos to drink there, i was late on my car and insurance payments and my car was repossessed. and i couldn’t get it back. so now my credit is absolutely fucked, and it is my greatest shame. at this point, i didn’t want to be around anymore. i hit rock bottom. and i couldn’t even blame him. i blamed myself. i minimized what he did and told myself it was my fault that i couldn’t just move on and take care of myself. i catch myself still doing it sometimes.

this isn’t just something that goes away after a couple months. i’ve had more panic attacks since then, i’ve struggled with intimacy with my boyfriend (who i couldn’t even let cuddle me for the first couple of months of our relationship), i’ve frozen when i thought i’d seen him on the street, and i’ve had other micro freak outs for much less. after i burned out of drinking everyday i just became this homebody (that i still kind of am but i’m trying to get better), too anxious to leave my house. since not drinking every night, i started having night terrors again. and i still do. and sometimes they’re about him or a variation of the sexual trauma he put me through. i don’t trust any man besides my close friends and my boyfriend anymore. and i have trust issues in my friendships, due to the “friends” i lost. i can’t even go to san marcos. i know he goes out there because his friends live there, they allow him to feel safe showing his face and even victimize him because he’s a piece of shit and lost some good friends while being so.

i wrote this because i’m tired of his ability to be comfortable while i’ve been distraught. i’m tired of him being able to live his life while i am still stuck trying to pick up the pieces. i’m tired of taking it day by day and not only having to recover from this but the alcohol abuse that came from it as well as the eating disorder i’ve had for 2 years. i’m so fucking tired of men getting away with this shit. so, austin and san marcos residents beware of jose olalde.

this has easily been the worst period of my life and i’m just now able to take baby steps to get my life back on track. i’m not going to let what he did to me bring me down anymore. i’m going to write more and love more and make plans and live without this shadow of shame and grief following my every step. i’m not going to mourn who i was, i’m going to cherish who i am and hope for who i can be.

that being said, i’m not going to forgive you jose. ever. what you did to me was unforgivable. i wish nothing but the worst onto you. you fucking ruined my life. i hope yours is ruined too.

[deancasheadcanons]

Something Only I Would Know

[ao3]

1.7k words

15x20 fix-it (kinda), warning for Dean being ableist, thanks to @saywhatjessie for letting me use her headcanon that Dean could’ve been paralyzed by the rusty nail

Just as Dean was hoisting his left leg onto his bed, one of the phones rang in the library. He sighed and moved his leg rest back into place, then wheeled out to the hallway, hoping he could get to the phone in time. Sam was on a hunt with Eileen out in Iowa, and Jody and Claire were taking out some werewolves up in Nowhere, Michigan, but other than that, nobody else should be calling. 

He didn’t make it in time. As he sifted through the phones to figure out where the missed call came from, something crashed in the kitchen.

“Who’s there?” he yelled forcefully, grabbing a shotgun from a table before pushing himself to the kitchen.

“Son of a bitch,” a familiar voice said just as Dean turned the corner.

He looked right at himself, all six-foot-one of himself standing in the middle of the kitchen, his legs working just fine.

“Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me,” other Dean said, progressively raising his voice until the end of the sentence was a shout. He glared up at the ceiling. “I’m gonna kill you, Chuck!”

“Which universe are you from?” Dean asked calmly.

Other Dean glared down at him, jaw clenched. “The real one. And you’re obviously from one where I’m bad enough at my job to land myself in a goddamn wheelchair. That’s real great.”

“No,” Dean said, sizing his other self up. “You’re too much like me.” A memory came back to him, something he said to himself in a situation similar to this one, years ago. “Tell me something only I would know.”

“Oh come on, don’t quote me to me.” Other Dean took a beer out of the fridge and tossed the cap in the direction of the trash can. “Although if you’re from a different universe, I guess you wouldn’t have a memory of that. I must just say the same shit in every version of myself.”

“I do have a memory of it.” 

They glared at each other.

Dean said, “Camp Chitaqua.”

Other Dean blinked. “Yeah, OK.” He took a long pull from his beer, staring pointedly at the wheelchair as he did. “What year is it?”

“It’s 2022.”

Other Dean dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. “Ah, fuck. How’d we end up crippled?”

“No. Tell me something only I would know.”

Other Dean stared at him, annoyed. He lost the staring contest after half a minute, shaking his head and scoffing and then taking another long drink of beer. He then looked down at the table and said loudly, “Cas.”

“Excuse me?”

Other Dean raised his eyes. “He told me he loved—he said he loved me. And that he realized he couldn’t have what he wanted. And then the Empty took him.”

Dean ran his tongue along his top teeth. “OK, you are me.” He pushed his wheelchair forward and moved the shotgun from his lap to the table. “And you must be from 2020.”

“Oh goddamn it, I’m gonna lose my legs that soon?” Other Dean stood and said, “Christ, I need a stronger drink.”

“We don’t have anything stronger.”

“What?”

“I don’t drink anymore. The beer is for everybody else that comes through here.”

Other Dean sat back down. “Is Sam—”

“On a hunt with Eileen. Everybody’s fine. Well, except.” Dean gestured to the room and shook his head. 

“Except your legs?”

He leveled himself with an impatient glare. “No. It’s a C7 spinal cord injury, and it’s really not that big of a fucking deal. I was talking about Cas.”

Other Dean looked at his beer bottle, picking at the label with his thumbs. “Chuck is trying to show us that we have no free will. He threw me here to prove that I can’t change anything about our lives.”

“Oh, like The Time Traveler’s Wife?”

Other Dean made a face at him, but then his eyebrows raised in realization. “Right, we read that a couple years ago. Man, I forgot about that. Yeah. Like, why would I try to bring Cas back if I’m sitting here with you now, and you’re telling me Cas never came back? So what’s the point of me trying to bring him back if I already know he’s not here in 2022?”

Dean’s eyebrows knit together as he thought for a minute. Eventually he said, “I know you’re me because I never told anybody that Cas is in love with me.”

“Whoa, whoa, he didn’t say—”

“Oh, shut the fuck up.” Dean swallowed. “Let me tell you something, alright? You’re gonna spend a couple months having no fucking idea what to do with yourself, no clue how to cope, so you and Sam are gonna try to do some run-of-the-mill hunts, and guess what? On the very first one you’re gonna break your fucking back after being impaled on some shitty nail in the wall. You’re gonna spend six months laid up in bed feeling sorry for yourself, drinking yourself stupid, wanting to die, praying yourself hoarse to Cas, and Cas is not gonna fucking show up!” 

He took a ragged breath and continued, “And Jack doesn’t either. And then Sam’s gonna tell you that he needs you to get your shit together, and it’s not because he needs your help saving the world or even just needs your help on a hunt, it’s because he wants to get married, wants to marry Eileen, so you’re gonna put your sorry life back together enough to be the best man at your brother’s wedding, and that’s when you’re gonna realize that there’s more to your shit life than the selfish things that you want—things like, I don’t know, being able to walk? And having Cas.” He closed his eyes. “You’re gonna realize that Cas meant that he was in love with you, that he wanted to be with you, and you’re gonna have to deal with the enormity of that. That this—that a being so ancient and so huge and literally so incomprehensible to you that your ears bled the first time you heard him speak—that he could learn love? From your sorry ass? Look at me, Dean. Listen to what I’m saying to you.” 

He waited until other Dean looked him in the eye. “Eventually you’re gonna accept the fact that Cas lived thousands of years without doing anything other than following the will of heaven, never changing course, only to meet you and learn love so completely that the only thing he wants is to be with you. The first selfish, human desire of his life. You. And you didn’t even get the time to process it, to tell him that you love him, too, before he was gone. So the best you can do is try to actually live your fucking life, because he died to save you.”

The silence between them was heavy. Eventually other Dean said, “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I never told anybody. Listen to me, Chuck said Cas didn’t do what he was supposed to do. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you—us. He changed things when he told you. So you can change things, too. Go back to your time and fucking tell somebody. Is Jack still around? For fuck’s sake, tell Jack.”

“I can’t—everything you just told me, I can’t—I haven’t…”

“Dean, listen. I know. I know how you feel. I know you, and I know you don’t trust yourself, but look at me. I’m different than you, alright? You can trust me. I just threw two years of emotional processing at you, of course you can’t deal with that. But you can do just one thing. Just one. Tell Jack.”

Other Dean studied his face. “You really are different.”

“Yeah, well.” Dean shrugged and looked at his legs. “Turns out being loved by a cosmic being changes you.”

“And being paralyzed.”

“No, trust me, that’s easier to deal with.”

Other Dean huffed a small laugh and nodded. “Uh, what are you gonna do? What happens now?”

“Don’t worry about me, you just—”

A loud crack cut Dean off, then his other self disappeared out of existence. He looked around the kitchen warily, as if something dramatic was about to happen. Instead, a phone once again began ringing in the library. 

As Dean wheeled through the hallway, he felt a splitting headache and had to stop and close his eyes. Images flashed through his brain, mostly of him and Cas, and then they abruptly stopped and he felt fine. The phone was still ringing.

He only made it a few more feet before the headache returned, worse than before. Images, so fast and loud in his head that it felt like his brain would explode. When they stopped, he blinked his eyes open and had a realization. 

“It’s not The Time Traveler’s Wife. It’s—” he did a 180 in his wheelchair and breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Cas standing at the end of the hall. “ — Looper.”

“Ah, we’ve finally caught up, then?” Cas said shyly as he walked toward Dean. He squatted in front of him, not in a patronizing way, but as a gesture of trust, submission. “You said it would be soon. You made me watch Looper so I would understand . Does your head feel alright?”

Dean put his hand to Cas’ face, delicately, like he might disappear if he touched him too much. “Cas.”

Cas turned his head and kissed Dean’s palm, then held his hand against his face and smiled at him. “I’m right here.”

The memories kept coming back to Dean, the changed timeline, his past self defeating Chuck and immediately telling Jack that he had to bring Cas back because he never got the chance to tell him he loved him, too. Then—still getting hurt on a hunt, still needing time to process and adjust, to give up drinking, learn how to accept Cas’ love and to love Cas properly in return—but easier this time, because Cas was there. Cas gave him space and time, all while loving him and taking care of him.

Dean took a deep breath. “C’mere, Cas.”

He didn’t wait. He pulled Cas up into his arms and buried his face in his neck and said, “I love you, you can have me. You can have me forever.”

Cas laughed gently. “I know, Dean. I love you, too.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTES:

The Time Traveler's Wife (book) - Henry has no agency and no free will because he time travels randomly to different parts of his life and therefore knows everything that happens before it happens, and can't change any of it.

Looper (movie) - When people time travel to the past and try to change their lives, their memories change in the present as the timeline of their lives change.

[yeonchi]

Doctor Who Hiatusbreaker Update 2

Although the premiere of Doctor Who Series 13 is still a while off, let alone the announcement of a premiere date, there are a few things I’d like to talk about before that time comes. Let’s get right into it.

Filler series plans to talk about Series 1-10

Some time ago, I had plans to make a ten-part series talking about Series 1-10 in detail, but because I had a lot of stuff going on, those plans were reduced to something I call Doctor Who 10 for 10 - 10 Things for 10 Series, which was to state ten things about each series with at least 4 to 6 of these things being my opinions on each series. This was intended to be a filler series to bide the time before Series 13 comes out, but that may have to come at another time. I’m also continuing with Kisekae Insights if anyone wants to check it out.

The post-Series 13 forecast

Since Series 13 would be Jodie Whittaker’s third series as the Doctor, signs are pointing to this being her final series. There are also rumours stating that there will be two specials in 2022 that would serve as her final episodes. If this is the case, then it means that Jodie Whittaker would have been the Doctor for five years; a five-year-long ordeal of pain because series seem to be released pretty much every other year as a result of the almost-year-long gaps between them, not to mention the fact that less episodes are being produced as time goes on. Whether Chris Chibnall will be remaining on is still unknown at this time. Frankly, I’ll be glad when this is all over because I (and many other fans) have been kept hanging for so long. I just hope the Timeless Child payoff will be worth it.

At this point, the only reason why I’m still watching the series is mainly because I want to know how the Timeless Child arc plays out. The initial shocks have come and gone, but now this is where we wait and see if the aftershocks are as worse.

When I started my Thirteenth Doctor Reviews, I made a pact that I would cut off all ties with the series going forward if the Fourteenth Doctor was another female. Given the Timeless Child arc and the rumours that Olly Alexander would replace Jodie Whittaker (which would make him the first gay actor to play the Doctor) that came and went because his agent stated that he was focusing on music for the time being, I’ve honestly stopped giving a shit at this point. I’ll probably continue being a casual fan of Doctor Who, watching episodes as they come out, but regardless, all that this series will be to me is like what the Koei Warriors series has degraded itself to over the past decade. I’ll still be grateful for all the inspiration and opportunities it has provided me with over the years, but I’ll probably accept that the series has gone on a downward spiral with seemingly no way of coming back up. But hey, all will be revealed in due time, so the forecast isn’t that bleak for now.

The first look into Series 13 (added 26 July 2021)

So just today, two days after I originally published this post, the teaser trailer for Doctor Who Series 13 was released following the 2021 San Diego Comic Con@Home. Aside from the Doctor, Yaz and Dan, the only other character we see is Vinder, a recurring character throughout the series who will be played by Jacob Anderson. Recurring character, you say, and that’s because Series 13 will apparently be a single serialised story. This brings callbacks to The Trial of a Time Lord or more loosely, the multiple two-parters of Series 9. We still don’t get an exact premiere date, only that it will premiere “later this year”, but given that Series 11 and 12 took about 10 months to film, we can predict that filming of Series 13 will likely be wrapping up in the next month. Whether there will be a shorter run of five or six episodes (thereby reserving two of those episodes for the 2022 specials, assuming they won’t be filmed separately to Series 13) is unknown, but regardless, I’m looking forward to watching and reviewing the series for myself.

Jodie Whittaker and Chris Chibnall leave Doctor Who (added 30 July 2021) 

In news that will surprise no one, Jodie Whittaker and Chris Chibnall have announced that they will be leaving the series in 2022. Technically, the news isn’t much of a surprise in terms of Whittaker than it is for Chibnall, as Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat have been showrunner for two Doctors each. But hey, with this, it means that my Thirteenth Doctor Reviews will also be a review of Chibnall’s run as showrunner.

My initial thoughts on this, which may or may not change coming up to Whittaker’s final episode - it was an okay run while it lasted, but honestly, good riddance. How’s that five year plan of yours going, Chibnall? If your plan was to divide the fanbase and leave them hanging with gaps between series, then you’ve really done it.

On top of this, Series 13 will be six episodes long, with the remaining two episodes to be broadcast as specials in 2022. The first of them will be a New Year’s Special (surprise surprise) and the second will follow in Spring 2022 (Northern Hemisphere). The Thirteenth Doctor’s final episode will premiere in Autumn 2022 (Northern Hemisphere) as part of the BBC’s Centenary celebrations. Some tentative dates I’m predicting are 18 October 2022, the 100th anniversary of the BBC, 23 November 2022, the 59th anniversary of Doctor Who, or 1 January 2023, which would make it another New Year’s Special (I’m not discounting 25 December 2022, I just think it’s less likely given how this era has been).

With this, the Fourteenth Doctor is expected to debut in 2023, the 60th anniversary year of Doctor Who. I just hope the new production team doesn’t disappoint the fans with that.

In terms of statistics, Jodie Whittaker has played the Doctor for 31 episodes, making her run the second shortest behind Christopher Eccleston. Peter Capaldi played the Doctor for 40 episodes, Matt Smith for 44 episodes and David Tennant for 47.

My hopes for Whittaker and Chibnall’s final episodes haven’t changed; I want to see what happens with the Timeless Child arc (and also Ruth). Whether the Fourteenth Doctor will be male or female (or played by a non-binary or trans actor), I have a few basic preliminary hopes for the next run; make each series 13 episodes again with a Christmas Special each year and put the series back on Saturday nights, like it was before Whittaker and Chibnall. Also, can we go back to filming in the 16:9 ratio? I can never get over how weird it looks on my screen (at full screen, it doesn’t look so weird when I have it playing on half screen, which is what I usually do when I write my reviews).

Jay Exci - The Fall of Doctor Who

Yes, it has been a while and I know I could have told everyone about this earlier, but better late than never I suppose. A couple of months ago, Jay Exci did a 5-hour long critique of the Chibnall era in his video, The Fall of Doctor Who. For some reason, there are those who see it as controversial because they’re NPCs who don’t want to hear criticism of the Chibnall era or they’re spergs who aren’t mature enough to sit through a 5-hour video they can watch in chunks, but hey, it’s pretty good. This is more in-depth than the reviews that people like Bowlestrek or Nerdrotic make, which essentially put Jay on their level in the eyes of the NPCs despite denying that they are on their level and being a sperg about how they’re better than them. Welcome to the party, Jay, you can check out anytime but you can never leave. 

Anyway, you can check out the video below. Even if you don’t feel like watching the whole video, I highly suggest that you watch section 4.2 onwards (timestamped link here) as it does resonate with my feelings on the Timeless Child arc. I swear, this is just like Dynasty Warriors 9 all over again. I know the feeling.

Cancel culture comes for Noel Clarke and John Barrowman

The thing about cancel culture is that people can be petty about things other people have done or said years ago and they can justify it with the excuse that they’re doing it to hold those people accountable. Depending on the context, it can expose the fact that that person is a major piece of shit or it can be an overreaction to something, which in the minds of today’s society is normally the latter.

Around the time that Noel Clarke was nominated for a Bafta at the end of March, allegations emerged of abuse and sexual misconduct against him. 20 women came forward with their stories and as a result, the final episode of Viewpoint was pulled from broadcast (but still released on Blu-ray and DVD) and Bulletproof was cancelled before filming on the fourth series would begin.

In May, video emerged of Clarke at Chicago TARDIS in 2014 talking about how John Barrowman would expose his genitals and slap it on people and things. This led to allegations about Barrowman surfacing, resulting in him apologising for his actions even though he had already been reprimanded for them over a decade ago and apologised in November 2008. Despite this, his contribution to the immersive theatrical event Doctor Who: Time Fracture was pulled and Big Finish have decided to shelf the release of Torchwood: Absent Friends, which would have featured David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor.

Now, I don’t care about Noel Clarke by any means, but this situation is honestly sad for John Barrowman because it shows that cancel culture spares no victims and leaves no fossil undiscovered. These PR stunts have clearly shown that the spineless people involved with those productions are so concerned with saving face that they are unable to just overlook these transgressions for the sake of fans who actually wanted to see him reprise his role as Captain Jack Harkness. But hey, what do I know? I don’t really care for anything other than the TV series, but it really shows how shameless corporations can be.

Once again, we don’t exactly know when Doctor Who Series 13 will premiere, but if you ask me, I predict that it will premiere in October or November. I’ll see you all again around that time.

[summerohnine]

Kiss Me Like the First Time

Tags: angst, fluff, first kiss, 2022

Warnings: swearing, fighting

Word Count: 3050

Summary: "Remember our first kiss?" I asked, smiling up at Phil.

He chuckled softly. "How could I forget? That was the best kiss I had ever had. Although, I hadn't kissed many people before that."

I laughed and looked down at my hands. Somehow, they had found their way to Phil's hands, and I was absentmindedly playing with his fingers. "Kiss me like that," I said suddenly.

"What?" Phil said, startled.

"Kiss me like the first time."

Read more of my fics!

2009

The setting sun turned the sky pink as we sat on the Manchester Eye. Phil and I had our arms pressed tightly against each other-partly because of the cramped cart, and partly because we just wanted to be close.

Earlier that day, I had stepped off a train and ran into Phil's arms for the first time. For the last hour of the long train ride, I had stressed over what I would do when I saw Phil. I had planned on calmly walking over to him and smiling, but things don't usually go as planned for me. As soon as I spotted him eagerly looking around the station for me, I lost it and yelled his name.

"PHIL!" I exclaimed as he turned around and saw me. Immediately we both started running towards each other and ended up in each other's arms. It wasn't what I had planned, but, oh, it was amazing. His arms felt so safe. From that moment, I knew that his arms would always be comforting.

After we calmed down from the excitement of finally seeing one another, we headed off for Starbucks. Soon, all I could possibly think about was how soft his lips looked and how much I wanted to feel them against my own. I knew it was ridiculous, as we had just met, but I couldn't get it off my mind.

We spent the rest of the day together, and it was driving me crazy how much I wanted to grab him and smash our lips together.

So, as I looked over at Phil laughing at something I had said, I knew I had to go for it.

"Fuck it," I muttered, which made Phil turn his head towards me. As soon as I saw the opportunity, I leaned forward and lightly pecked his lips. I figured it was best to start small.

I slowly pulled away and waited for his reaction. Before I could tell if he liked it, I felt him grab my head and pull me forward. This time, the kiss was deep and passionate. My eyelids fluttered shut, as I let myself get completely lost in the kiss.

Phil's lips were as soft as I thought they would be, and he moved his mouth slowly. Kissing Phil was comforting in a way that words could never be. My hand moved up to his cheek, and his hand gripped the back of my neck.

Eventually, we pulled away. With our foreheads pressed together, I looked into his eyes. They were glistening in a way that I hadn't noticed before. They were brighter, and all three of the colors were very vibrant.

"Holy crap," I said, and Phil looked at me, confused. "I just kissed AmazingPhil." He laughed and pulled me in for another kiss. This time, it was just a short kiss, which lingered in the air long after it was over.

When we reached the ground, we got out and I reached slowly for his hand. When he felt my touch, he quickly grabbed my hand and held it tightly all the way back to his house.

It was almost 11 pm by the time we got back, as we took a couple of detours so Phil could show me places we had missed earlier.

"Let's go to bed," Phil said as he opened the front door.

"Where do I sleep?" I asked as Phil led me up the stairs.

"Well, I figured you would sleep in my bed with me-but that's totally fine if you don't want to. I can sleep on the floor and you can have my bed if you aren't comfortable sharing. I don't really c-" I cut him off with a peck on the lips before he could finish rambling.

"That sounds great."

2012

My headphones were on full volume as I sat in my room. Phil was in the lounge. I had considered sitting out by him as I scrolled through Tumblr, but lately, we hadn't been able to be alone together for more than 30 minutes without getting into some kind of argument. I think it had been a good month and a half since we had slept in the same bed, let alone even cuddle like we always used to do.

Today, Phil had especially been getting on my nerves for little things. First, he left all of the cupboards open in the kitchen like always. Then, he left a phone charger on the floor, which I stepped on and nearly stabbed a hole in my foot with. And when I told him to pick up his things, he just told me that maybe I should just stay in my room all day if I didn't want to see his stuff around the house.

I figured I should ask him if he was going to make dinner. I sighed and unplugged my headphones.

The T.V. was loud, as I could hear it in the lounge from the other side of the house.

When I reached the lounge, I opened the door and watched as Phil completely ignored me and just stared straight ahead at the T.V.

"Are you making anything for dinner?" I asked, waiting for him to respond. He didn't, so I raised my voice a bit so he could hear me.

"Hey! Can you turn that down?"

Phil glanced at me and begrudgingly turned the volume on the T.V. down. "What do you want?" he asked, obviously annoyed.

"I wanted to know if you were planning on making dinner," I said timidly, trying not to get ticked off for something little that he did.

"Why don't you make it for once?" Phil asked sharply, looking at me. "You never do anything around the house, and it's really starting to bother me."

I inhaled sharply. "Excuse me? I don't do anything around the house? Who's the one who was just yelling at you to pick up your stuff? Who's the one who cleans most of the house when we have guests over?"

I could tell that Phil was irritated. He stood up from the couch and faced me head on. "Who's the one who does all of the taxes, makes dinner every night, and goes to the store to buy the things we need?"

"You're the one who's always leaving cupboards open, and leaving their shit around the house for ME to pick up!" I exclaimed, starting to raise my voice. Of all of the arguments we had been having lately, none of them had ever escalated this quickly. One of us usually walked away before it got to yelling.

"If you think I'm such a bad housemate, why don't you just move out!" Phil yelled, his voice raising quickly as well.

"MAYBE I WILL!" I shouted and stormed into my room before he said anything else.

As soon as what I had said registered in my brain, I realized what I had done. I had literally just said that I wanted to move out.

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.

I didn't mean it. Maybe Phil meant what he said, but I definitely didn't. I couldn't live on my own. Especially after living with Phil, who was the love of my life.

Tears were dripping down my face, and I realized that I was sobbing. Loudly. Certainly, Phil could hear. Maybe he didn't care, and that's why he wasn't coming in here. Whatever, I needed to tell him that I didn't mean it. I needed to apologize.

There were muffled sounds coming from Phil's bedroom. It sounded like he was crying. Maybe this affected him more than I thought? Timidly, I walked up to his door and knocked.

"Phil?" I said softly, waiting for him to let me in.

I heard sniffling. "What do you want?"

"Can I please talk to you?" I was holding back tears. Hearing him cry made me feel even worse.

"I don't want to talk to you." I could almost picture him sitting on his bed, wrapped up in a blanket with his back turned to the door.

"Please, Phil. Just let me in so I can talk to you. You just have to listen."

There was shuffling behind the door, and the door slowly opened to reveal a red-faced Phil. There were tears dripping down his cheeks, and his hair was a mess. I quickly ran to hug him. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and then we were both crying into each others' necks.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I said that" I said between sobs. Phil squeezed me tighter.

"I know, it's okay."

"I just-I've been getting really stressed out lately and I think I've just been taking it all out on you. You don't deserve that. You didn't do anything wrong." Phil pulled away from the hug and we walked over to the bed.

"I know, Dan. I've been doing the same thing. Everything's just been so stressful. I wish we could go back to 2009 when things weren't so complicated."

"Remember our first kiss?" I asked, smiling up at Phil.

He chuckled softly. "How could I forget? That was the best kiss I had ever had. Although, I hadn't kissed many people before that."

I laughed and looked down at my hands. Somehow, they had found their way to Phil's hands, and I was absentmindedly playing with is fingers. "Kiss me like that," I said suddenly.

"What?" Phil said, startled.

"Kiss me like the first time." Phil looked into my eyes, and then to my lips. Before I even had time to react, he slammed his lips onto mine and almost knocked me off the bed. Now that I had a little more experience kissing Phil since the first time, I knew right away what to do. There was no awkward moment where I didn't know what to do with my hands. One hand traveled up to his hair, and the other was on his thigh.

One of his arms was around my waist so he could keep me close, and the other was around my neck. I could smell the subtle scent of his aftershave.

We kissed like the world was going to end and we were the only things keeping each other safe. In a way, that's almost how it actually was. Without Phil, I don't know where I would be. I certainly wouldn't be here with a striving career and loads of supportive fans. I might not even be alive.

The kiss had gotten more passionate. I felt Phil's tongue at the seam of my lips, asking for entrance. I parted my lips slightly, and I felt his tongue slip in. My grip on his thigh tightened, and I felt him gasp into my mouth. After a few more minutes, we eventually broke away.

We were both breathing heavily, but we were smiling.

"God, I missed that," Phil said, pushing his hair back.

"You know what I've missed?" I asked, and he looked up at me, waiting for a response. "Cuddling and falling asleep next to you."

"Well, we don't have anything going on tonight. We can put in a movie if you want?" Phil smiled and I nodded immediately. He jumped off the bed and ran to get a movie. "What do you wanna watch?"

"Doesn't matter, as long as I'm with you." I smiled, and I saw him blush.

He put in a movie, but I didn't really pay attention to it. All I could think about was how things were finally getting back to normal. I was able to cuddle with my boyfriend. We were able to pretend, if only for a little bit, that everything was fine and we had nothing to worry about. I sat between Phil's legs, and he rested his head on my shoulder. We wrapped ourselves in the duvet and fell asleep just like that.

2022

I proposed on October 19, 2021. It was our 12 year anniversary of our first kiss. And, of course, the only possible way for me to do it was on the Manchester Eye, where we shared said kiss. As we watched the sunset, I pulled out the small black box which contained a simple silver band. As soon as I had said the words, "Phillip Michael Lester, will you marry me?" he pulled me in for a long kiss. When we broke apart, he said yes.

So, exactly a year later, there I was stood at the altar, waiting for Phil to come in and completely sweep me off of my feet with his beauty. I was nervous. My palms were sweaty, and I kept playing with my tie.

I looked out at the audience and spotted my family-my mom, and dad-both in the first row. My brother was waiting with the groomsmen, as he was the ring bearer. On the other side was Phil's family-his mom, dad, Martyn, and Cornelia. Their daughter was waiting with the groomsmen as well, as she was the flower girl.

Suddenly, the music started playing, and people started coming through. This caused my hands to start shaking even more. As people came through and split off, I kept getting more excited with the anticipation of seeing Phil. The instrumental version of the traditional wedding song came on, and I took in a small gasp.

Phil came through the door, and I had to stop myself from running across the room and kissing him right away. He looked beautiful, to say the least. He was wearing his glasses, as he knew that I loved when he wore them. He was also wearing a colorful tie, which made me laugh. It was such a thing Phil to do. As Phil got closer, I could see that there were tears in his eyes.

When he was stood in front of me, I reached up to wipe his eyes. He smiled, and I felt tears slip out of my own eyes.

"Why are you crying now?" he asked, chuckling.

"You're just so beautiful," I said, looking down at our hands that were clasped together tightly.

The person marrying us began to speak, but I was paying more attention to Phil. I could tell he was nervous, as he was biting his bottom lip. I gave his hands a reassuring squeeze, and he smiled down at our hands.

"I believe you have written your own vows?" the preacher asked, and we both nodded. We planned on me going first, so I awkwardly fumbled until I found them in my pocket.

I took a deep breath, to release all of the nerves. "Phillip Michael Lester," I began, and Phil looked at me encouragingly. "I remember one time a few years ago when we were laying in bed, and you had just finished telling me about some crazy thing that had happened to you that day. I was barely paying attention to the story, as all I could think was, "I'm going to marry you one day." It wasn't the first time I had thought about it, but this time was different. For the first time, I didn't try and tell myself that I was getting my hopes up. So, that next day, I went into town and picked out a ring." I looked up into Phil's eyes, which were shining with tears. "And now here we are, 2 years later, standing at the altar where my dream is about to come true. I swear to forever be your companion through this long journey we call life. Forever may seem like a long time, but it could never be long enough with you."

There was a tear running down Phil's cheek, so I reached up to wipe it. He sniffed and started to dig out a piece of paper from his pocket.

"Dan," he began, and I gave his hands a light squeeze. "Today, I promise to always leave socks around the house for you to pick up. I promise to continuously leave the kitchen cupboards open for you to close. I promise to stay up until 3 am with you until you fall asleep. I promise to give you a massage whenever you have a headache. I promise to always be there when you need a boost. I promise to steal your cereal and then go out and buy you more. And through all of this and everything else, I promise to love you unconditionally."

By then I was sniffling, but so was Phil so I didn't feel so embarrassed.

"May we please have the rings?" asked the preacher. I looked as my brother walked over to us and handed us our rings.

"I'm proud of you guys," he whispered before he walked away. We slid the rings onto each other's finger.

"Do you, Daniel Howell, take Phillip Lester as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part?"

"I do." It was the surest thing I had ever said.

"And do you, Phillip Lester, take Daniel Howell as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part?"

"I do." Phil looked up into my eyes as he said it, and it sent shivers down my spine.

"I pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the groom."

I turned to Phil and whispered, "Kiss me like the first time." It was just loud enough for him to hear, and then we were kissing.

This was by far the best kiss we had ever had. It was mixed with salty tears, but for once, I didn't mind. We kissed for minutes, or maybe hours, or maybe even days. All the while, the people in the audience were cheering as loud as they could. I figured we should break apart before we couldn't stop ourselves.

We pulled away and turned to face the crowd. We were both beaming as we walked down the aisle.

"Hey Phil," I said into his ear as we walked out of the church.

"Yeah?" he said, turning his head to look into my eyes.

"We're married now."

[melodielgrace]

MAZ Section 2, Chapter 1; Awake in a Strange Place

Ugh. That was an epic, albeit disturbing, dream. It felt so real. I nearly feel dizzy, can almost sense abrasions on my skin. Actually, there are. I shoot up out of bed, not my bed, this isn’t my bed. Why isn’t this my bed? Rolling up my black pyjama pants, which I don’t remember putting on, or even buying, I see scratches and gashes up my right leg. Shit, that was real? It wasn’t a dream? Oh, damn, so I must be in hospital. I’m in hospital, of course. Somewhere between Rivertown and Halls Gap. I could be anywhere, that’s a long way. This doesn’t quite look like a hospital. Or not what I expected, at least. Never having been inside an actual hospital, this is strange. As if waking up somewhere I didn’t go to sleep isn’t strange enough. White walls, gold floor, trim and door. Aren’t hospitals supposed to white? Or, like, light blue? The harsh white light blinds me. My clothes have been changed. Do I feel violated? I don’t know because isn’t that part of the nursing/doctoring job? I suppose it would be hard to save someone’s life with torn up clothing in the way. It could very well still be Tuesday 7th, the day we were on our way to Halls Gap for the school camp. Or it could be Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday. There’s no way of telling for sure how long I’ve been out. My head’s confused. Should I be freaking out? Or should I feel safe, gratified, that someone came along and took us to hospital? Oh I hope Ruby’s alright. She must be somewhere close by. My feet make no noise on the cold and polished floor. There is no lock or handle on the door, so I push against it gently. It doesn’t want to open so easily, so use a bit more force. Nope, nothing. I shove my whole body into it, and still, it doesn’t budge. Maybe it’s a pull door, not push? I try that, but I can’t understand how one is supposed to open this damn door. Perhaps we aren’t. Not from the inside. Could it possibly be that only the doctors can open them? Maybe they have a key card or some sort of fancy techy lock on the outside. Is it voice activated? “Open.” I command of it. “Unlock.” Still won’t move. “Open sesame? Alohomora?” Okay, I’m really getting nervous now. Scared, even. “Hello? Is someone there? I’m awake now and I can’t open the door? Could I please get some help? Anyone?” I’m stuck. I look around for another exit, or something else that could help me get out. I don’t know what to look for, but even if I did, even if I had any idea, I wouldn’t succeed. There’s nothing here, apart from the bed. The bed that isn’t mine. Where am I? Where could I be? It’s spacious enough in here, I suppose, but I’m trapped. I’m not claustrophobic, but I’m scared out of my mind. How long have I been here? How long will I be here? Will someone come get me? My breathing turns rough, my chest tightens. It’s so quiet and that scares me further. I guess there’s nothing to do but sit down in a corner and endure through this approaching anxiety attack. I can’t organise my thoughts; ‘I don’t want to be here’, ‘Why am I here?’, ‘Where are the others are they okay?’, ‘What’s going to happen to us?’, ‘What’s going to happen to me?’ My mind is turning too fast for me to follow, so I try to concentrate on doing breathing exercises. Meditating, 5 seconds inhaling through the nose, 5 seconds exhaling through the mouth. In, out. In, out. Out through the nose, in through the mouth. Wait. No, that’s not right. Damn, who knew breathing was so hard? I finally calm down enough to be reasonable with myself. I reinforce the idea that I’m safe, and that I’ll be home soon. A hear sudden noises, and instead of my heart leaping out of my chest, it feels like it just went back into my spine. A deep voice talking outside, a few pairs of feet stomping, growing fainter as they walk away. The wall starts to whirr and hiss, and makes all sorts of sounds. A door-sized whole dissolves in front of my eyes. A short man in an oversized speckled gold coat appears in the way. He enters, trailed by a taller, more threatening-seeming man who brings with him a cart full of miscellaneous objects. The short man keeps walking towards me while the tall one takes his place against the wall. The short man is smiling warmly, inciting hope in me. Up close I can see an embellishment on his jacket, a bizarre pattern with the lets M, A, Z over the top of it. I wonder what MAZ is. Maybe it’s his initials? “Good morning, my dear Emoni McLaris.” He knows my name! Ok how does he know my name? Oh, duh, he’s a doctor, hospitals know this stuff. He sees me stiffen and he chuckles softly. “Oh, darling, don’t worry. I’m a doctor, of sorts. Of course I know your name.” Just as I thought. Nothing to fear. “My name is Doctor Haycinth.” So, not his initials, then. “And I’m sorry to say that, yesterday you and your classmates suffered a car crash. Well, a car crashed into your bus.” “I’d hoped it was a dream.” I admit. Haycinth shakes his head. “Sorry, no. it was the real deal. I’m the head of this here sanatorium you find yourself in. When my team found you and your class, they contacted me and I immediately came to the rescue.” His face falls further. “This may be upsetting, but I must inform you that, unfortunately, some of your classmates have died.” Ruby? Oh my gosh no not Ruby, I couldn’t live without her. “Some had passed before I even arrived on the scene. Two actually departed along the journey here. Terrible stuff. My condolences.” “Ruby?” I utter. “Ruby? Ruby Newell? Is she okay? Is she alive? Is she alright?” Nodding his head, he says ‘yes’. Maybe I can try to breathe again. “May I explain some further things to you?” “Go ahead.” He sits down with me on the floor. “I’m not your typical suburban doctor, you see. I founded a great society many years ago, it has since blossomed to reach its full potential, in the form of this establishment we stand in. The Medical Alteration Zone, or ‘MAZ’, specialises in experimental methods that the government deems unsuitable for mainstream use.” MAZ. That sounds ambiguously familiar. “But, please don’t be threatened by what we do. We also function as any other normal hospital would. Take yourself, for example. A bus crash. We aren’t solely focused on silly little science experiments.” He laughs, encouraging me to laugh with him, so I don’t feel endangered. I do laugh, but I do still feel scared. “Can I see my friends?” I venture. “Certainly, although not yet. Most are still recovering, you see. It was a traumatic experience.” He sounds quite upset. “Oh, yeah, of course,” I understand. “I assumed you’ve called my parents?” He juts his head on an angle and says “Yes. It was an upsetting phone call, but their glad you’re ok and they’re on their way to come collect you and take you home. I’m sorry about your school trip.” So everything’s great! I’ll be reunited with my family soon enough, and when Ruby’s better we can go shopping like we used to, everything will be back to normal. “It’s okay, I didn’t really wanna come anyway. So was anything wrong with me? I mean I saw the scrapes on my legs, but did you have to operate?” Haycinth perks up. “Fortunately not, Miss McLaris. But we did run a few standard tests etcetera, and you’re mostly fine and healthy. Other than the shock.” “I must tell you something that you won’t believe, but I swear it’s true. You’ll probably think I’m lying because of how,” he laughs shortly, “outlandish this will sound to you.” Is he gonna tell me that I’m pregnant? “You have a brother. Lowen Stanis” Aha, good one. “He’d be 23 now. 15 years ago, in 2022, your happy little family of four took the scenic route to your grandparent’s farm, I believe. But your car collided with another.” No, that’s just a sullen scene I invented in my head… “Luckily, you all survived. However, 8-year-old Lowen moseyed away from the scene. Three days later, this precious child chanced upon our property, and we took him in. Adopted him. Of course, we told your parents he had been kidnapped. Convinced them to change their name and move. They did just that, McLaris.” This is bullshit. “This is bullshit.” I say. “We began testing him when he turned 10. We’re ruthless scientific investigators, but we’re not horrible people; we would never hurt a child.” I still don’t believe him. “Sure, it’s still bullshit, though. I’m an only child. I think I would know if I had a brother.” “Ah, but you don’t. Do you what repressed memories are, Miss McLaris?” Haycinth asks condescendingly. He doesn’t let me answer. “They are memories that have been unconsciously locked due to the memory being associated with a high level of stress or trauma. Can you tell me of a traumatic incident you’ve been through?” “Stepping in gum.” I spit venomously. “When you were in the baby booster seat in the back of the car when you crashed and your brother went missing, I would expect. You blocked all previous memories at that moment.” …that makes sense. I learned about memories in Psychology class, and what he says does ring true to it. But, my parents would’ve said something, surely…? Haycinth presses some buttons on a remote and the wall in front of me, the same wall that materialised a doorway, turns into a screen. A photo of a laughing baby. “This-“ “Ooh! Ooh! Let me guess! Is it my fake brother?” “Indeed, Miss McLaris. Lowen Stanis, 4 months old.” Like a slideshow, it switches to another image. An older boy, about 5. A few more pictures of the same age, then “This photo was taken the morning of your car crash. Isn’t he handsome? Oh, and there’s you.” Unexplainably, it is me. And the car we’re standing in front of with…my mother. That’s my mother. And it truly looks authentic. But no way, I don’t have a brother, never did. How did they get this photo? I’ve never seen anything like it. “Photos can easily be edited.” The snapshot morphs into another, the same boy. “We took these when we found him.” This picture blends into one of a dashing teen. “16 years old, here.” Haycinth narrates, as if I can’t see for myself. “This next one,” the screen changes, “is my personal favourite. How he was at 18, just around the time he built up a certain…immunity. His body resisted our sturdiest chemicals.” “Lowen developed…abilities. Ones we had never seen before. None of our other subjects had ever shocked us like this. We were stumped. Still are, a bit. Since he ran away when he was about your age, we have made advancements in finding a cure. He is sick, Emoni. And we need you to help us help him.” The screen changes once more; “This is what we believe him to look like now, at 23 years old his features should be mostly the same. We cannot find out boy, Emoni. Will you assist in returning him to us? To his home?” “Even if he did exist I wouldn’t help you.” I spit venomously. “Would you like some food? I’m sure you starving by now.” His noiseless companion takes a gold platter out of the cart, brings it over to me and reveals a meal like I’ve never before seen. Two big chunks of steaming meat that I struggle to identify, atop potato slices and an eccentric salad. Something drizzling down the meat; sauce. He hands me a black knife and fork wrapped in a black serviette. What a peculiar colour scheme they have going on here. I am famished. Ravenously I snatch up the cutlery and take the plate, sitting it down in front of my crossed legs on the floor. Just before I dig in, I hesitate. What if they’ve put some sort of experimental drug in it? Are they experimenting on me? Doctor Haycinth bends down, takes the fork from my hand, and peels of a portion of meat, exposing the soft and tender sinews. He takes the mouthful and returns the fork to me. “It’s safe. We don’t want to hurt you.” Awesome, I can eat it. Who cares for table manners when there isn’t a table? “Will you help us to help him?” Haycinth begs. I get back to my meal, making a start on the potato. It tastes…artificial. This has taken an unexpected turn. And so have I. They did drug me. The potatoes have left me paralysed from the neck down. Unable to move, I fall sideways onto the cold hard ground that I was admiring only a few moments ago. “What’s happening? What are you doing to me?” I manage to vocalise. “I can’t move.” “Hmm yes.” He nods to his mate, who picks me up and lays me down on the bed. Haycinth holds his palm to a panel in the wall next to the bed, which opens up and closes around his wrist. It must be an ID scanner or something of the like. More whirring and stirring and a section of the floor moves out of the way of a rising containment. The Silent Man lifts me again and roughly walks me to it. Laying me down in it, Haycinth removes his hand from the wall to come and restrain me, which seems excessive considering I CAN’T MOVE TO DEFEND MYSELF. He and the Silent Man continue to buckle me down. “We were trying to make super-soldiers. But, that obviously didn’t turn out how we expected. And neither did Lowen. We consider him to be an anomaly. Actually, a few of the staff have taken to the nickname; ‘The Anomaly’.” Haycinth laughs. Hahaha, so funny. “Will you tell us the whereabouts of his location?” (I think that ‘whereabouts’ and ‘location’ mean the same thing?) I stare blankly ahead, trying not to try. “Hmm? No? Well that’s alright, I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe you’ll have changed your mind by then. In the meantime, my friend will stay here to comfort you.” Haycinth makes his leave. The Silent Man picks up shiny metal piece that worries me. He laughs sadistically as he brings it to my face to show my source of torture to me. He makes his first cut, slow and excruciating on my shoulder. He then slides it down, slicing open the skin of my arm. I try my best not to scream.