#20000000 calories

[rat-ceo]

mouse of the day: pfil

[suchabeautifulbrokensmile]

I started treatment yesterday. And I'm glad I did. There's about ten other girls, they seem very nice I haven't really talk to any of them yet. I'm afraid but very excited for this journey. I really want to do this. Day 1 I met my therapist, she's literally the coolest person in the center. I really like her and I feel safe talking to her. She's very down to earth. I never liked a counselor before. I liked ms Clar and Katie but both knew how to irritate my soul every single time. Not saying this new therapist won't (((people always find their ways))) but I'm going to try very hard and not let it affect me, I will just listen to her and actually be very honest. Lying has gotten me no where, obviously. Then I met the kitchen supervisor she's also a very cool person, and I like her. It's very rare for me to like people, but I'm trying, this year is all about changes and being uncomfortable. I need to accept people for who they are, I can't have everything go my way. I wish I was princess gee but in reality I am not. I ate almost all my meals, and if I didn't they replace it with ensure which is soooo good let me tell you, love it so much ((not)). But sometimes it's so much easier to drink a cup of calories than to eat it one by one. I had anxiety, but I knew it was going to happen, I hate new things, new people. I didn't have a blast on my first day but I realized that it is not as hard as I tell myself it is. I am capable of doing this even if the voices in my head tell me otherwise. There's no alone time at the center not even when you have to pee, can't even flush the toilet they have to do it for you, I have gone in there and instead of peeing I cry. They probably know because they look at the toilet and it's clean but I'm glad they don't say anything. I want to purge sooooo bad. But there's always other girls in the bathroom and I don't want to trigger anyone. I wanted to run away the entire time I was in there, but now I am glad I didn't. Day 2 Yes, I went back. But today was harder than day one. I was not able to eat any of the meals. I swear I was eating 20000000 calories each time I took a bite. I was the last one to leave the table each meal, and a staff member always stayed with me. Today I met with the psychiatric and nutritionist, they were alright. Thanks to the nutritionist I got through an entire meal. I had a panic attack and I literally couldn't breathe, but she helped me, and for that I am thankful. The entire time I felt like I was dying. I wanted to eat. But the voices in my head didn't let me. And here's why, the night before I had night sweats? Never have I ever had those in my life. I was scared, and Google told me I had cancer it was great. I talked to the kitchen supervisor and nutritionist about it and they said it's normal. It's my body working properly again. Then I was spotting, I haven't had my period since November, it's just strange, because I have no symptoms of having my period. I usually get sad and feel like shit, my entire body hurts. In the last 48 hours so much has changed that although I am interesting in these changes I am afraid, they are new to me. Or not completely new but I'm not used to them being present. So every time food was in front of me I just kept thinking about what else is going to change in me. I had anxiety literally all day. Walked out of group session and kitchen twice. I felt very disrespectful but it was either getting up and leaving or binging and purging somewhere. My therapist also helped me a lot today I honestly think she's an angle sent from above bc bless her soul for putting up with me. I'm a handful, I can barely put up with my own self. I am glad to be home in my bed, and I am looking forward to tomorrow. My goal is to eat, at least the big meal, I can do that. If I get my period I don't know how I will feel but one step at a time. I'm exhausted of fighting myself every second of every day. I want to enjoy life again. I am going to do this

[cigarettesandcoffeebee]

I wish crying at 2 am for an hour burnt 20000000 calories