#2 is going to pursue you by any means and cant be easily reasoned with (if its anything like AM)

[bloodmoths-archive]

sidenote but the most obvious inverse of the evil emotionless cold AI is the extremely vengeful emotional AI (you already know) and that's far more terrifying. and yet the former prevails :/

[gizkasparadise]

cdrama rec/review: le coup de foudre

KDRAMA AND CDRAMA MASTER LIST OF REVIEWS

Series: le coup de foudre / love at first sight / i don’t like this world, i only like you Episodes: 35 w/ a special Genres: then & now, slice of life, high school to adult life, romance, reunion/getting back together, working with the ex Spoilers in the Rec: for set-up/light ones for character backgrounds If You Like, You’ll Like: the reply series, sad-looking dogs that are loved very much, because this is my first life (VERY similar male lead), sibling love, my sunshine but if people were nicer and had significantly better hair, multiple couples that are all a lot of fun

Rank: 10/10

PREMISE

flashback to 6-8 years ago (because the OP here can’t remember lol): it’s desk selection day in qiao yi’s classroom! a very dramatic moment for all high schoolers, qia yi has to select who she sits next to. because she’s at the bottom of the class ranking, she gets last pick, which essentially narrows down her choices to that creepy kid who writes love poetry to every female student in the class and yan mo, the scary genius student who has placed 1st in their class since...forever.

taking a gamble, qiao yi goes with yan mo. yan mo eventually agrees to tutoring qiao yi outside of class and they become friends. then...friends? if you know what i mean. it’s very sweet and cute. only problem is that yan mo is both a genius and from a Family of Means, and so is already planning on attending cambridge (yeah, fucking cambridge) after graduation. not wanting to separate, yan mo asks qiao yi to come with him and she agrees to study hard so she can get accepted to a university in the UK, too.

but then, well, bad shit happened. 

qiao yi ended up staying in their home town, yan mo left for cambridge, and we got two v heartbroken teenagers on our hands.

4 years later, yan mo returns after studying in the uk, and by chance they end up bumping into each other. angry because qiao yi hurt him, yan mo puts up an ALOOF AND COLD AND I DONT CARE AT ALL front that she sadly buys. but after he leaves for the big city to pursue a business opportunity, qiao yi harnesses some amazing big dick energy to go after him, in a sort of inverse DONT LET HER GET ON THAT PLANE! move. very abba. 

the plot bounces between their (and their friends’) high school years, their lives as reunited adults, and their future lives as married folks. i love it very, very much.

MAIN CHARACTERS

zhao qiao yi

as a high schooler, qiao yi was a quiet girl with low self-esteem, who consistently ranked at the bottom of her class and was always attempting to retreat into her school tracksuit like a turtle. despite this, qiao yi has some solid friends and is always kind if somewhat shy or uncomfortable in certain situations. as a adult, qiao yi works as a television producer and is clearly more confident. 

she buys truly awful graphic t-shirts as thank you gifts that one feels obligated to wear. falls for scams easily. will help you fold 1000 paper stars for your boyfriend even if she hates your boyfriend because she’s ride or die like that. look at how cute she is no one is allowed to be mean to someone as cute as this.

yan mo / “frank”

if you liked se hee in because this is my first life, you’re in luck because here is a 10% angrier version. at first, yan mo seems cold, aloof, snobbish, pretentious, arrogant...

okay, but he’s ALSO got a lot of feelings and will help people out. well, at the start of the show, he’ll help two people out. but that expands to like 10. so, progress! in high school, he falls for qiao yi in the typical Cannot Spit It Out fashion, buying her sentimental cans of coke, PUTTING IN ONE EARBUD SO SHE CAN LISTEN TO THE BEATLES WITH HIM, feeling Weird about her tying his tie, and single-handedly ruining a for-profit afterschool tutoring business in about 30 seconds, because they weren’t teaching qiao yi anything, and he knew he could do it better. tbh he completely fucking destroys a lot of things and people in under a minute. #ruthless

he’s very protective of qiao yi and rather than explain it, here is a clip from the special episode where yan mo confronts another student who left a love confession meant for qiao yi in his desk by mistake (subtitles have to be selected under settings, but it’s subbed in english):

zhao guan chao

zhao qiao yi’s twin brother, who has always placed 2nd in their classes after yan mo. despite his high grades, he comes off as a laidback teen heartthrob and has a reputation for being a flake and a playboy. BUT he’s legit a chill dude and clearly popular for a reason--he gets along with (almost) everyone. he loves his sister and is extremely protective of her, especially since she’s so shy and has low self-esteem for Reasons That Will Be Explained in the Tragic Backstory. he’s such a good brother. the best brother. also looks out for qiao yi’s best friend, wu yi. understands the value of shoes.

hao wu yi

qiao yi’s best friend, and another classmate of The Crew. i say this with so, so much love, but she’s got a lot of chaotic dumbass energy. struggling along the bottom ranks with qiao yi during high school. she has the worst taste in men as a teenager, falling for the guy who literally bullied her in like. ep 2. thankfully she’s got qiao yi and guanchao.

the trio are close, and that doesn’t change as they grow up. wu yi ends up becoming a novelist who writes pop and steamy romance novels and has a significant teenage girl fanbase. it’s amazing. 

fei da chuan

my boy. another classmate, he, qiao yi, and wu yi make up the official Dumbass Trio of their high school class and have adorable adventures + solidarity in it. he’s also yan mo’s uncle. somehow. because rich people families are wild. while he’s got a place to live, he more often than not crashes at yan mo’s, who Does Not Like It. but da chuan does not notice or care. 

abrasive but 100% sincere about everything and toward everyone. people will think he’s an asshole or a gangster but then he’s secretly feeding abandoned kittens in the corner or something. as an adult, has the best business casual outfits. serves as a big brother figure to a lot of people, but qiao yi in particular. cannot, cannot fucking do math.

SUPPORTING

“alicia” / cheng youmei. an old family friend of yan mo’s who is very posh and rich and dignified. studied abroad with him at cambridge, and is cold toward qiao yi after arriving back in china. cosplays B)

teacher gao. everyone’s high school teacher who later owns a bar that seems to be there only for dispensing advice. seriously. there is no way this bar is economically sound as the only customers you ever see are gao’s students coming in one at a time for Wisdom and you never see them pay for anything. also the bar has no fucking roof and is directly above traintracks. i have hang-ups about this bar

lin shu. yan mo’s mother. very sweet and pretty and a ballernia turned program director. is almost never home but clearly loves her son. du chaun’s sister. somehow.

zhao suyin. qiao yi and guan chao’s mother. one of her kinks is roleplaying condor heroes characters? okay okay okay

tian weimin. qiao yi and guan chao’s stepfather who works as police officer. best dad award. he’s so sweet and corny and peak dad humor. he loves them kids & they love him back

grandpa. yan mo’s dog in high school. a very old basset hound with sad eyes:

dollar or d. i cant tell you anything about him, other than he used to be a stray and yan mo says he’s ugly, which, rude.

DRAWBACKS

plot...hm. there’s SOME plot, but this is about characters + romance + friendship + family. if you’re looking for scheming mothers-in-law or tragic car accidents or secret destinies this isn’t the one for you. similar in vibe to Reply 1988 (they even watch the show in the show :’D / make references to it)

OKAY SO every plot summary i’ve seen says that yan mo is in a relationship with someone else when he gets back to china. no he is not. i say this because it was a huge turn off for me/initially put me off watching the series. he is definitely a one-and-only type. there’s no cheating in this show. lmao, hell, neither of the mains are even interested in anyone else but each other

i liked du chuan and his love interest a lot, but they definitely didn’t get as much screen time as the others

while it’s clear qiao yi + yan mo are the mains, another couple gets a lot of screen time as well. this might be a skip if you don’t like multiple couples/secondary relationships in a show

i surprisingly enjoyed the high school storyline a lot more than the adult one? which is super weird for me, but idk i was sad when it was over because it was so cute.

some...weird technical decisions. every once in a while, the camera will have like a nostalgia filter and then it disappears and then the edges get a bit blurry and idk it feels very film school 101 to show that what’s on screen is a ~memory. the soundtrack/music is sometimes also too loud--to the point where it can drown out the actors (particularly janice wu in the high school arc, since qiao yi is soft-spoken)

REASONS TO WATCH

the lead actors (janice wu + zhang yujian) are legit two of my favorites and they have great/easy chemistry. all the actors are amazing. everyone’s loveable

SIBLING GOALS the zhao twins are amazing and they’re both each other’s biggest fans. gaunchao had some really heartwarming brother moments

i love love lmao. this spoke to a lot of my favorite dynamics: exes reunited/having to work together, childhood sweethearts reuniting as adults, “gangster” and princess, childhood friends turned lovers, bickering couples, cold man who actually has a lot of feelings, lots of people being overprotective, idk. everything was just great. 0 complaints on any of the ships.

i genuinely liked every character other than that one piece of shit poppa zhao. even alicia, who’s put into the stereotypical rich bitch role, was actually really fun and subverted a lot of expectations for this trope

it’s just. real cute y’all. probably my favorite cdrama and definitely in my top 10 (maybe 5?) dramas overall.

FINAL THOUGHTS

i love them ;;

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #35: Mephistopheles

Today one Fate and Phantasms we’re making someone from who the greatest magicians have something to learn, the magical Mr. Mistoff- sorry, wrong one. We’re building the demon of deceit and clown prince of crime, Mephistopheles! This is a very unusual build. Some characters are held back by restraints like “ease of play”, “being powerful”, or “not peaking at level 5″, but Mephistopheles laughs in the face of all of them.

There’s a spreadsheet if you want to rip this band-aid off right away, or you can savor the pain with a level-by-level breakdown below the cut. I’m sorry.

Race and Background

Homunculi aren’t a player race in DnD, so if we can’t be accurate, we can at least be thematic. You’re doing a very good impression of an Asmodeus Tiefling, adding 1 to Intelligence and 2 to Charisma. This also gives you 60′ of Darkvision, Hellish Resistance to fire damage, and an Infernal Legacy, which currently lets you cast the Thaumaturgy cantrip. 

You’re most certainly a Charlatan if I’ve ever seen one, dragging down anyone you can get your hands on. This gives you proficiency with Deception (saying you didn’t slip a bomb into someone’s jacket) and Sleight of Hand (slipping a bomb in someone’s jacket).

Stats Your highest stat is your Intelligence: you’re clever enough with clockwork to make bombs that run around on their own. Next is Dexterity: you’re a clown after all, capering around is what you do. Third is Wisdom, which should be lower, but we’ll need it for multiclassing. Your party will probably thank you for this: they’ll be within blast radius enough without you getting charmed too. Next is Constitution- you haven’t blown yourself up yet, so you’re probably at least a bit tougher than that bore, Andersen. After that is Charisma: you have a forceful personality, but honestly when was the last time you convinced someone you weren’t up to no good? Finally, we’re dumping Strength. You may have some pretty good pecs in your final art, but that’s nothing by servant standards.

Class Levels

1. Rogue 1: You general lack of strength and habit of ending up on the wrong side of morality make you quite a roguish caster. At level 1, rogues gain proficiency in Dex and Int Saves and four rogue skills, here being Acrobatics, Perception, Stealth, and Intimidation. Your capering and sneakiness let you slip bombs into places others might not notice, and let’s be honest, a clown in a skintight leotard is just plain terrifying. 

Rogues also gain Expertise in two skills (Sleight of Hand and Acrobatics), a Sneak Attack (1d6 extra damage if you’re using a ranged or finesse weapon and have advantage or another enemy is within 5′ of the target), and Thieves’ Cant, a language indecipherable to anyone who isn’t a rogue. A dagger can be reflavored as a giant pair of scissors easily enough, so sneak attacks work fine for you.

2. Rogue 2: At second level you have a Cunning Action, letting you dash, disengage, or hide as a bonus action for extra mobility. 

3. Rogue 3: Arcane Tricksters can blend their love of breaking the law with magical skill, learning wizard spells to augment their natural skill. Most of those spells aren’t explosions though, so we’re not taking that. You are a Thief, which at third level means you have Fast Hands which adds sleight of hand checks, thieves’ tools uses, and Use an Object actions to your list of Things You Can Do In Your Bonus Action. You also learn how to do Second-Story Work, enhancing your capering by adding your dex mod to running jumps, and climbing no longer costs extra movement. Also, your Infernal Legacy kicks in again, and you can now cast Hellish Rebuke as a second level spell once per long rest. All spells from your Legacy use Charisma as the casting ability.

4. Wizard 1: I mentioned we’re peaking at level 5 earlier, so it’s time to wrap this up. You studied under (and then killed) a skilled alchemist when you were alive, so you have some magical knowledge as well. As a first level wizard, you learn Spellcasting, using Intelligence as your casting ability, and Arcane Recovery, which will let you recover a 1st level spell slot on short rests in a level. 

When you first gain your spellbook, you get three cantrips and six first level spells. Create Bonfire and Thunderclap are mere firecrackers compared to what we’ll get next level, and Mending will come in handy in the second half of the build. Cause Fear and Tasha’s Hideous Laughter play up your clownishness, Color Spray, Earth Tremor, and Grease will make it much harder for your enemies to get around. Finally, Chromatic Orb is a very versatile spell that can play into your strengths without leaving you locked into only fire and thunder spells.

5. Wizard 2: At second level, your Infernal Legacy kicks in again, and you can cast Darkness once per long rest. You also become a Conjuration Wizard, becoming a Conjuration Savant for cheaper conjuration spells, and more importantly, you learn Minor Conjuration. This lets you use your action to make an inanimate, nonmagical object appear in your hand or within 10′ of you. There’s a limit on the size and weight of this object, but not its cost. That’s important, because things are about to get a little silly. 

In the Dungeon Master’s Guide, there’s optional explosives you can add to the game. You’ll need help from your DM if you want these to be viable at higher levels, but they’re very strong at level five, which is where you are right now. With Minor Conjuration, you can create a Bomb, Horn of Gunpowder, or a full Bundle of Dynamite as your action. Then you can use your Fast Hands to use these explosives as your bonus action. The bombs and gunpowder aren’t that strong, but Dynamite can deal 10d6 Bludgeoning Damage to creatures within 20′ of it, and its dex save only halves damage. It can even be made with a fuse if you want to get to a safe distance first. That’s a silly amount of damage to have every turn, for free, this early in the game. This even beats fireball, and doesn’t require a spell slot.

6. Cleric 1: You pursue your goal of making people explode with religious fervor, which is just enough of an excuse to make you a Zeal Cleric. At level 1, clerics get their own Spellcasting, using Wisdom as your ability. You also become a Priest of Zeal, giving you some bonus proficiencies with heavy armor and martial weapons, as well as letting you attack as a bonus action after attacking with your main action a number of times equal to your wisdom modifier per long rest. If someone’s attacking you in melee range, you should probably put the bombs away. Or don’t, you have fire resistance after all. 

Clerics can prepare their spells, but as a zeal cleric you also get Searing Smite and Thunderous Smite to make your scissors really cut deep. For your cantrips, you learn Sacred Flame and Toll the Dead (which despite the names, neither of them do fire or thunder damage), and Light, because the best thing to do to someone after they stumble out of a cloud of darkness is shine a flashlight in their face.

7. Cleric 2: At second level, you can Channel Divinity in one of two ways. Turn Undead sends undead packing with a wisdom save, and Consuming Fervor is why we’re here. With this feature, you can use your Channel Divinity to maximize any fire or thunder damage you cause. You can only channel your divinity once per short rest.

8. Cleric 3: Third level clerics gain 2nd level spells, and yours include Magic Weapon to further improve your scissors and Shatter to start using up your Divinity uses.

9. Cleric 4: You finally get your first ASI, and we’re using it to get the feat Flames of Phlegethos. Whenever you cast a fire spell, you can now reroll any ones in the damage, and also wreathe yourself in flames until the start of your next turn. This causes any melee attackers to take 1d4 fire damage when they hit you. You’re going to be the epicenter of explosions anyway, but some extra protection never hurt.

10. Cleric 5: Your Turn Undead becomes Destroy Undead, instantly killing any undead of CR 1/2 or lower when they fail their wisdom save. You also get third level spells, including Haste, so you can attack and throw bombs in the same turn, and the ever-popular Fireball, which at this point is still outclassed by dynamite.

11. Cleric 6: You can now channel divinity twice per short rest for extra powerful fireballs, and you can make a Resounding Strike. This means that every time you hit a large or smaller creature with thunder damage, you can push them away from you up to 10′.

12. Now that we’ve taken all the best goodies from the clerics, it’s time to head back to a more reasonable class: Artificer. First level artificers can use Magical Tinkering to add minor magical effects to tiny objects, like making sounds, shining a bit of light, or displaying small pictures. You also get a third kind of Spellcasting, this one using Intelligence as your casting ability. You get two cantrips (Poison Spray and Shocking Grasp are rather clownish), and can prepare first level spells from the artificer spell list.

13. Artificer 2: You learn how to Infuse Items, turning them into magical items. You know four infusions from the infusions list, but can only have two of them active at once. They’re all very useful, but none of them are bombs, so I’ll let you decide which ones will work best in your campaign.

14. Artificer 3: You know The Right Tool for the Job, letting you create one set of artisan’s tools over the course of an hour. The tools are nonmagical, and last until you make another set. In more fun news, you become an Artillerist, gaining Shield and Thunderwave as class spells. You can also make an Eldritch Cannon, a small or tiny construct that you can command as a bonus action. You can make a Flamethrower, which shoots 15′ cones of fire, dealing 2d8 fire damage on failed dex saves, a Force Ballista, hitting targets with spell attacks that deal 2d8 force damage and pushing them 5′ away, or a Protector, adding 1d8 + your intelligence mod temporary hit points to nearby creatures. Regardless, the cannon has 18 AC, HP equal to five times your artificer level, 10 in all abilities, and can be made once per long rest or by using spell slots. It’ll live for an hour or until you dismiss it.

15. Artificer 4: Use your second ASI to round out your Intelligence and Wisdom for more and stronger spells.

16. Artificer 5: You can now tactically carve your wand, turning it into an Arcane Firearm. This adds an extra 1d8 damage to a single creature hit by each spell. You also gain second level artificer spells, including Scorching Ray and Shatter. Again.

17. Artificer 6: You now have Tool Expertise, doubling your proficiency with any check involving tools. You could mix this with your rogue expertise if you wanted to be obscenely good at breaking into places, but I’ll leave that to your discretion. You also gain two more known infusions, and have have one more item infused at once.

18. Artificer 7: You now have Flashes of Genius. When you or another creature within 30′ of you makes a check or saving throw, you can use your reaction to add your intelligence modifier to the roll. You can do this a number of times equal to your intelligence modifier per long rest.

19. Artificer 8: Use your last ASI to add some Dexterity to make yourself harder to hit and harder hitting.

20. Artificer 9: Your capstone level turns your cannon into a proper ticktock bomb! You can command the cannon to detonate, dealing 3d8 force damage to creatures within 20′ of it. All other damage is also increased by 1d8.

Pros: Mephistopheles is very adaptable, with a great deal of low-level spells that can be swapped out each day. The sheer number of things you can make out of thin air is also admirable. He can also be a very strong damage dealer at low levels if your DM doesn’t remove bombs entirely.

Cons: This build is overcomplicated even by my standards. You have four spell lists using all three spell abilities, divinities and infusions to keep track of, and even a second body to deal with in combat! This build seems almost designed to drive you mad trying to play it (which would be in character, admittedly). Summoning explosives is nice, but you have to wonder if it is worth removing any chance at higher level spells. Finally, the most annoying drawback is the lack of consistency in explosions. The DMG uses bludgeoning damage, the cleric uses thunder damage, and the artificer uses force damage, all to represent the same thing, meaning they don’t quite mesh together if you’re playing rules as written.

[wanna-b-poet31]

Hastur’s Brutal Honesty (A  Good Omens Meta?)

So Like, This is me just drafting my bigger idea that Hastur as the perfect literary mirror to Aziraphale...but the closer I look at him, the more...honest??? he seems.  Which, considering how Crowley chooses to lie, leads me to an interesting conclusion about the role of dis/honesty in the series. Namely, how his words (when compared to Aziraphale, Crowley, Heaven and Hell) intersects with loyalty, cruelty, and kindness. 

>Plan on hearing more about Hastur and Aziraphale in the future...but in the meantime, some observations<

First, as I discuss in Part 3 of my Lying/Honesty series: I identify instances where Angel’s lie (with Aziraphale being a good example of a poor liar) but also I made a passing comment that there is an inexplicable honest streak among the demons. 

It got me thinking about WHY? Especially because their honesty doesn’t make them any less cruel or abusive. So I go to thinking...(a dangerous pastime, I know)  

Yes, the demons are more aware of other’s ability to deceive them, like Beelzebub’s jab at Michael that “it’s not that we don’t trust you, but we don’t trust you” and further, TESTING the water before subjecting “Crowley” to it. But...do we see them honestly, lie? And, is that indicative of something bigger?

I will note, they clearly say they don’t trust each other:

>GIF of Ligur asking Hastur if he trusts Crowley. Hastur replies “no”<  But do their actions match their words? I would argue not.

Case in point: Hastur.

I find Hastur’s behavior particularly interesting because I’ve recently re-watched the series and noticed, the closest he gets to a lie is when he knocks on Crowley’s door and Ligur say’s they just want to talk to him. However, this feels more like a threat, with ironic intent, rather than a flat lie. 

He is also particularly gullible, similar to the naiveite we see Aziraphale exhibit. Yes, he’s clearly more malicious than Aziraphae (as we see him burn down the church, threaten Crowley, and kill another demon without remorse) but we also see him willingly ask questions, and easily believe Crowley’s deceptions.

For example, we see him openly and honestly communicate with Ligur while they’re sulking, waiting for Crowley to show up. Sure, he’s wrong about what “Caio” means, but is it a lie? It seems more like his arrogance of Italian, transliterating it to an English word than an actual lie.  

Even when he’s greeting Warlock’s family, we don’t see him lie. He’s simply too preoccupied with the coming of his master to care about what anyone else thinks. I’m also hesitant to classify “threats” with “lies” because while they may not come to fruition, he certainly intends for them to be true. The closest lie I can think about is when he’s disguised himself to capture Crowley. He doesn’t even lie when he’s reading out Crowley’s crimes to the audience.

Instead, we actually see that he’s actually surprised by Crowley’s lies. As much as he claims not to trust other Demons, when he’s actively pursuing Crowley and Ligur is killed, for a split second, Hastur looks like he believes Crowley’s lie that “the Dark Council” is testing him.

This scene seems to highlight the fundamental difference between Crowley and Hastur: honesty vs. cruelty.

Hastur is unspeakably cruel, where Crowley is kind and Hastur is oddly honest where Crowley freely lies. They are foils for sure (stay tuned for that meta sometime soon) and I think this nuance matters. 

Like, in this scene Hastur also genuinely believes, however briefly, that Crowley is calling the Dark Council. This is AFTER Crowley lied about the anti-christ, lied (by omission) that he befriended an Angel, just wrote Ligur (Hastur’s bestie) out of reality, and lied about putting holy water into the water mister. 

By all accounts, there is no reason Hastur should trust Crowley at this moment, but he still does. The above Gif doesn’t do justice to the tone of voice that Hastur gives when he asks if Crowley is calling the dark council. It’s almost downright hopeful. It doesn’t occur to him until Crowley says “so long sucka” that Crowley’s lied to him. 

Sure, Crowley is the most convincing liar in the series, and his performance is top-notch, but at this point, Hastur still demonstrates trust. I think both because it doesn’t dawn on him that he’d be the recipient of an unkind lie AND because Crowley still hasn’t shown the unbriddled cruelty Hastur himself would demonstrate. Crowley’s only acted out of self-defense. It’s not until Hastur has time to fully process the loss of Ligur (in answering-machine land) he realizes Crowley’s no longer on his side. 

In reality, Crowley never was. Crowley has ever only been loyal to Aziraphale, and Hastur has only been loyal to Hell.

And I think the motivating reason is the brutal cruelty Hastur, and other demons, display. Ligur and Hastur both waste no time shoving a poor Eric into the Hellhound’s pit and kill 2 more Eric’s at the “traditional” end of the world cite. They do these acts of cruelty without a second thought.  Hastur laughs with glee as nuns are screaming for their lives and the satanic church is burned.

It truly mirrors the way Heaven/God is fine killing everyone except for Noah and his family. There is no remorse.

The only time we see the sliver of cruelty in Crowley is in the above scene. When Ligur is destroyed, Anthony “you can’t kill the kids” Crowley is directly responsible. But, this is self-defense and Ligur is clearly a vehicle for abuse. And, it is clearly framed differently from how Hastur’s several acts of cruelty are. 

For the show he puts on, Crowley is not cruel, not even to his enemies. Crowley does not relish killing, opting to give Nazis a choice to leave while still not condoning their behavior. Unlike Hastur who is downright gleeful that the nuns who have helped him are running for his life, Crowley adds no emphasis to killing. He is not nice, but he is not unkind nor does things out of purely malicious intent.  

Meanwhile, Hastur goes above and beyond to be cruel. When he kills the demon at trial (his 4th!! demon murder!!) he still is not lying but he’s certainly not being kind. This tells me that honesty is not intrinsically “kind” nor is it intrinsically “bad” in the series. Rather, it is but one weapon in the arsenal choice.

If I bring my train of thought to the ineffable husbands, it gives so much more meaning to Crowley’s active choice NOT to lie to Aziraphale. I’ve said it before, that this show is dependent on choice. He chooses the kinder of the two options. Crowley could lie, he has the imagination for it, and he wields it against their adversaries (Hell) well. However, he doesn’t. he only ever points out what Aziraphale is unable or sometimes unwilling to acknowledge as truth. 

Hastur. meanwhile, he chooses to be cruel beyond belief and chooses to be honest. He does not make the same grand show to lie to his enemies. For him, the truth behind his threats and his impulse to act in the moment are greater tools for harm. 

Aziraphale, thinks he’s choosing the kinder option to lie to Crowley at the Bandstand. He certainly is saying “true” words, but neither believe it at this point, and both are harmed by it. We also know he thinks lying can be unkind, but he uses it primarily as a defensive tool, not an offensive one. It is not until he realizes how much abuse he’s internalized that he realizes who deserves his kind honesty: Crowley. 

This also brings greater emphasis to the way honesty and dishonesty can be manipulated. Crowley and Aziraphale lie self-defense. Neither relish lying, but will because the kind of honesty they are being fed by their respective sides is cruel, and nothing like the unspoken, unnamed truth between the two of them. 

Hell is unkind, unloving, and unspeakably cruel. Heaven is cold, unfeeling, and cruel. Crowley is the victim of clear and specific abuse at the hands of hell and does not need to feel sorry for lying to his abuser.  Aziraphale has been belittled and gaslighted by Heaven and both lie for protection. 

However, Hastur is honest only as a means to be cruel. When Crowley chooses, to be honest, it is explicitly to be kind and to be loving. 

So I bring myself back to my initial observation. Why do Demons have an honest streak? I think it is because for them (and for Heaven) lying and honesty is neither good nor bad. Instead, they add “weight to the moral argument” they’re making. They are much more concerned with outcome (which is always an offensive mechanism) than the means. It just so happens Demons bully and intimidate for what they want without especially needing to lie.

TLDR: Yes, Hastur chooses to be honest, but the outcome is still cruelty. Yes, Crowley chooses to lie, but the outcome is protection. Lying is not intrinsically bad, honesty is not intrinsically good. Demons cant still be super abusive even if they don’t lie about it.

Thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[ajoy3fanfics]

Missing pt. VI

PT.V

Also found on FF.NET 

Tag list: @cstorm86 @shadykit  

AN: Surprise picture of what I’ve been up to at the end!

~.~

It looked like his entire body wilted; ears drooped, shoulders sagged, the phone he had fought so hard for looked heavy in his limp hand. All of him looked utterly defeated, a sight so polar opposite from the feisty hanyou who prided himself on his strength. Miroku thought back to the time he has visited Inuyasha on a job site, purposefully coming early to catch a glimpse of his best friend and possibly embarrass him; He found him in the center of the action, the construction sight little more than dirt and steel, Inuyasha hoisting up the heavy metal himself, then bracing it as his employees came round to assist. Finishing quickly, he called for his crew to go to lunch, walking over to him with sweat on his brow and a smile. He looked more like a god with his Herculin strength than a half demon; In that moment, Miroku was convinced he was invincible. Now Inuyasha looked like a shell of the man he once was. Miroku stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do next or how to approach.

“Did you know?” The hanyou asked, gaze fixated on the wall in front of him. Miroku swallowed hard before answering.

“Kinda. Sort of.” Miroku combed his hands through his damp hair.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Inuyasha asked wearily.

“Oh, yeah, I’m going to be the one to break it to guy who just got released from the hospital with brain trauma that the ex girlfriend he’s fixated on has started dating.”

When Inuyasha made no signs of movement, he wondered if what he said registered at all. Sighing, he walked to the dresser, leaning against it. “I knew she was seeing someone. I’m not sure how serious it is.”

That finally got Inuyashas attention; he turned lethargically to look at him. When he said nothing, Miroku continued on, desperate to ease the tension.

“I know she’s gone out a few times with him, that’s whats Sango said at least.” Hearing her best friends name, the dog demons ears perked up.

“What does Sango say about him?” He asked. Miroku pressed his lips together, letting out a long winded hmmmm.

“Honestly?” He asked. Inuyasha nodded, saying nothing. “She thinks he’s okay. A little conceited perhaps, but Sango thinks hes good for her. She needed to move on. And he…he seems to really like Kagome.” He finished with a shrug.

“But does Kagome likehim?” He blurted in a rush, the first burst of energy he had seen in a while. His golden eyes seemed bright and fragile, like Mirokus answer could make or break him. He knew he had to tell him the truth, give him a dose of reality, but he had to do it delicately.

“Dude, she wouldn’t be seeing him if there wasn’t somethingshe liked. Maybe it’s best to let her go.” He crossed over to the bed, taking a seat near his oldest friend and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Kagome was a mess when you guys split. She’s finally putting her life back together.  Maybe you should just let it be, you know? She’s moving on and you can too. If you don’t want it to be with Kikyo fine, but-”

Inuyasha let the words rattle around his brain as he let Miroku prattle on, paying very little attention to what he was saying. Once he suggested he should stop pursing Kagome he had very little interest in hearing the rest. Knitting his brows together as he tried to piece together this fucked up mess he was in. So Kagome was with some guy, and was probably happy. Probably.

When they were together there was no question as to how she felt. She was always giving him smiles, small touches that were discrete yet intimate, just enough to let others know she was his, and he was hers. They were happy together, he knewit. He would come home from work, still sweaty and dirty despite cleaning up before leaving, and she would never shy away from his embrace, laughing as she shriveled up her nose, directing him to the shower with a playful push. They would go to bed together, sometimes separate, yet still wake up tangled in each other. And as for the bedroom-  well, he could stake his life on it that she was happier with him. He brought his attention back to Miroku, still in the middle of his sermon.

“-There’s plenty of other women out there, man. Kagome’s great and all but its time to move on.”

Seriously? He was telling him to let Kagome go off and be with some asshole, just like that?

“You want me to let her go?” He spat. “No way in Hell.”

Miroku frowned. “You already did. I know you don’t remember man, but the world has kept spinning. It’s been a long time for all of us since you two split. Its not fair to her to put this on her, not when she’s finally getting over you.”

Was he being selfish? It wouldn’t be the first time he was accused of it.

But the idea of letting Kagome go…

He wasn’t sure he could do it.

From everything he’d gathered, their break up hadn’t been easy on Kagome;

“I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can let her go. Especially to some conceited prick. I cant give her to him.” His voice was raw, cracked.

“She’s not yours to give away.” His tone was firm. “She’s not a toy or something you own; she makes her own choices, Inuyasha.” Its not like this was easy on her either.” Miroku sighed. “Even as hurt as she was, she still came running to see you in the hospital. I’m sure she still has some lingering feelings for you- it would make sense. But shes just starting to move on.“ Miroku’s voice grew sterner. “Maybe you could get to her. Maybeyou could break her and this guy up, and squeeze your way back in her heart. But does she deserve that? Doesn’t she have a right to be with who she wants? Just because you cando something, doesn’t mean you should.”

Maybe he was right.

Maybe he should let her be. He knew in his heart, in his gut, his soul called for her; that if he somehow recovered his memories he wouldn’t regret his choice to send Kikyo away, to try and pursue Kagome to the ends of the Earth.  As certain as he was that shewas who he wanted… He couldn’t say the same for her. Did she even want him? Back then, without a doubt, but now…? Who the hell was he to judge for her? The details of their demise were sparse, but he obviously did a number on Kagome. If he did half the things she and Miroku were saying he did, what right did he have to love her? Should he let her go?

It would hurt like fucking Hell.

Inuyasha looked down at the phone in his hand, the picture of Kagome still lighting up the screen. She was wearing a white summer dress, a floppy sun hat shielding her from the harsh sunlight. She was in a field of sun flowers, the yellow glow surrounding her, a stranger with blue eyes and a white smile by her side. She had asked him to go with her, practically beggedhim to. He dismissed the idea easily, not wanting to go just for a pictures sake. Kagome had insisted that they could pick the flowers, that the farm looked like it came out of a dream, but Inuyasha was unmoved.

She looked spectacular; he wished so badly he had gone with her then, taken the time to do the little things. And she was right; the pictures were amazing- shelooked amazing. Studying the picture, he couldn’t help but wonder: is she happy?

“I swear I know this fucker from somewhere.” He grunted, finally pulling his eyes from the image of her. Every time he saw it, it felt like his heart was shattering. He was afraid to scroll further; he didn’t know how he’d handle if it if he saw her in the arms of another man, another demon.

“That’s Koga.” Miroku supplied. “They work together. He’s the gym teacher at her school.”

Fuck.

So she spent her entire day, Monday through Friday around this guy? Was he making moves on her while they were together? Did he try anything? That fucker probably slipped right in when they broke up. He probably saw an opportunity and pounced. He-

“Slow your roll.” Mirkoku cut through his spiraling thoughts. “I can already see where you’re going with this. You’re going to give yourself wrinkles if you think this hard.” Miroku stood up and promptly grabbed the phone from his hand. “She met him a like 2 months ago. He’s a new teacher at her school.”

Inuyasha frowned. For some reason, that didn’t make him feel better.

“Come onnnn.” Miroku drew out the word. “You’ve been given a second chance at life here! A do over!  Any mistakes you made In the last six months, fuck, you don’t even remember them! We should be celebrating. It’s a miracle your alive, and okay. We need to be living it up. So what if Kagomes dating. You should date too!” He was practically bursting with energy. “I’ll take you to a singles bar.”

“Pass, thanks.” He commented quickly, immediately disliking the idea. His best friend laughed, knowing what his reaction would be. The fact that he didn’t say ‘I’m not single, asshole’ was already an improvement on their earlier conversations.

“Just think about it. If you’re going to disrupt her life, make sure its worth it. Now in case you didn’t notice, I need to finish getting ready, so get out.”

As he was pushed out of the bedroom (literally) Inuyasha couldn’t help but wonder:

Should he let her go?

He knew he didn’t want to. Everything in him screamed not to.

But was it just selfishness?

For the first time, he needed to asked himself “what is best for Kagome?”

He wasn’t sure he was going to like the answer.  

AN:: I got a puppy and hes perfect! The next week I’ll be pretty slammed with work, but I will do my best to get another chapter out! Hope you enjoyed it!

[thoughtfulpaperback]

Charmed 02x08 Review SPOILERS!!!!

Sorry this took so long y'all. Family stuff just blew up in my face this month has been just terrible it's been terrible since the end of november to be honest, so I just wasnt in the mood to review. But I shall starts. In general i liked the episode 8/10 for me. I like the pacing, the general plot advancing. I liked it, but I have some complaints though. So let's just get those out of the way. So I'll do pros and cons by subject since there were things I both disliked and liked about each thing.

1. Hacy

Let's just get this big guy out of the way. So abby and Harry kiss was a big no for me, although it was hot for sure.

Now there has been a lot of back and forth about this so I actually wanted to compare to the things that bugged me about Macyx galvin and where I thought one does better than the other.

Communication

So like Harry and Macy do not communicate well with each other right now. I feel that thier communication issues though are better (or at least make more sense to me) than Macy x Galvin.

Macy while communicating with Galvin, as far as arranging things, was bad, but with her kiss on halloween she did make her interest in Galvin known. They both had an understanding that they were interested. So I thought the whole Summer ordeal was worse in that sense because, while the follow through was poorly done, Macy's interest was stated.

With Harry and Macy, it appears that neither of them have stated any interest to one another (neither has told the other thier feelings) and neither is aware. So harry kissing some one else isnt as bad to me as the Galvin x Summer situation because of that (speaking about this area soley).

The passive aggressiveness of Harry and Galvin in certain situation isnt comparable because Harry is doing it more.I felt Harry's reactions are more justified (we will get to the hypocritical portion later) in that he is going through the wringer, is hurting and confused, and self-deprecating and many of us agreed that the thought of Macy preferring Jimmy would be bad and hurtful to Harry and logically make no sense. But harry has more scenes than Galvin did in season one so he feel more passive aggressive than Galvin, but I attribute that to screen time and proximity to the Macy (he always there so more time and chances to interact). But also, for me, Galvin wasnt as passive agressive and his sometimes aggressive or snideness wasnt because of Macy. Outside stuff (problems with summer) would make him snap or his trauma also caused him to snap so the situations are comparable there but, again Harry has more screen time so his snapping feels worse to me because it happens multiple time in one episode versus one or twice in a whole season. Since the situation ( and right now I am speaking soley on the summer x Galvin situation) was different. I am up in the air I as to which was "worse" i think both situations are sucky and i think i am more bothered by Galvin x Summer because again Macy had actually expressed her interest (communication wise) but the hacy situation feels more full of that passive aggressiveness and that will turn it into something I really cant get behind. Right now I feel Harry is in a bad place and probably shouldnt be with anyone until he get himself settled personally.

Love triangle/square or whatever

So like with summer x Galvin it wasnt really a love triangle I mean kind of but not really. Galvin didnt pursue Macy while with summer and was generally nice during that time. Summer wasnt necessarily the jealous girlfriend stereotype she was nice, but did call out suspect behavior.

The abby xharryx Macy x jimmy thing is like aweful. It is the love triangle that I hate most at least where the abbyxharryxmacy part is concerned.

I mentioned it before but I hate when one or two people use another person as a means of getting release/relief when they are actually interested in someone else. I think it is cruel to both the used character and the main LI. Worse when both are using others because twice the cruelty. IDK what was going on in Harry's head. But I have never like that type of love triangle, and worse so because it is possibly the other type of triangle I hate which is (usually guy) caught between two ladies and one is clearly the villian (I thank novelas for this gem *sarcasm*) and it is mostly a lust thing.

Especially given that James Westwell was a serial cheater, apparently, this idea of "I love one person but am in lust with the other despite thier character" is like the worst to me. Abby is straight up an ambitious murder, and like I guess that maybe Harry's default type because Charity had similar qualities, but again for a guy who supposedly has strong feelings for Macy and was so confused and hurt by her attraction to Jimmy (which apparently wasnt attraction at all) the ease of him doing the very thing he was mad about , and the ease of being able to push aside his feeling for Macy and give in to that abby kiss was gross.

Sorry but although they werent together, for me, guys who can do that easily should be on our cheater radar. Knowing that James was a serial cheater just makes it worse imo.

While the summer x Galvin situation felt worse on the communication front (expressed feelings) it was better done than here because there is a lot more grossness in the dynamics of the love shape thing right now.

Overall, I get Harry isnt in a place to be with anyone and it's all confusing and he is lashing out. He has not told Macy his interest and neither has she so he shouldnt be held to the boyfriend standards. But still the writers are toeing the line here. What happens next will actually help me define whether this turns into a Galvin situation where I end up not liking the two characters together. If Harry tries to continue the passive aggressiveness about Macy and Jimmy. I'll be done. I mean if he does have feelings for abby and trying to move on, but still tries to pull that with Macy it will just be straight up manipulative. Right now I am like okay he was lashing out and I get it and the abby kiss is probably a big mistake. He can continue the mistake path if the writers wasnt to go there, but if he doesnt recognize that he did something hypocritical and still comes for Macy about Jimmy it will be very very wrong.

I think they for sure need to clear the air but if the writers wait to long or do too much damage I wont be satisfied with the clearing of the air.

I am not necessarily mad right now over the abbyx Harry thing because I am waiting to see how they will handle and present it, but I mean it is on that line and writers need to watch out. I dont think Harry was trying to be manipulative and the lashing out happened before abby kiss. As long as the lashing out (at Macy) doesnt continue I will watch and support the development and exploration of thier relationship and dynamic with the others.

2. Maggie

So like Maggie shows her naivety here and I am not that mad. Like she isn't pulling a "I am so in love and blind to the world" thing she makes her decision based on what she thinks will do the most good for the most people. It is still naive, but she is still maturing and you can see that. Her wanting her sisters to trust her judgment and not feel like they have to baby her is reasonable although again those insecurities clouded the main issues here. She is growing and I shall see how she continues to mature.

3. Mel

I think they tried to fit some personal development for mel here and it both worked and didnt work. I thought it wasnt done badly but at some points I was like....okay could this have been saved for another episode or done beforehand. I wanted to see it, just didn't think it felt in place, especially after leaving the wedding. She just had some development and then was like welp guess I am gonna stumble upon this amber. Like mel could have gotten her new powers before, I mean I felt they could have made the stumble upon the amber scene and new powers at any point before and it could have been more relevant and interesting placed somewhere else than this episode.

4. Abby/overlord/parker storyline

Abby was probably the best thing in this episode. I love her as a villian. I am here for it and I want it.

Parker got dark real quick and while I think he and Maggie shouldnt be together, I am glad he didnt die. Also glad abby clarified that his actions weren't caused by the apple. Because at least OG with Cole the tragedy (the first storyline) was that he made a choice to protect the person he loved but he ended up becoming the source and actually being taken over by the source so his actions were tinted by his OG love but corrupted by that force that possessed him. Where as abby tells him, that that jealousy and want for blood was all him. Maybe the apple and that power made him more likely to act on it than of he hadnt, but it wasnt the apples fault necessarily so. I am glad for the clarification, makes me not want Maggie and him together, but I like that exploration of power and choice. Even with Macy while the power amplified those insecurities she still was making choice which also made her choice to give up that power extra meaningful. Power is corrupting but you can still choose to fight that corruption or give in to it. I like that.

5. Jordan

I love this character to be honest. I am still figuring him out, but like dude is cursed and has been basically touched, punched, and robbed by these guys. He can't catch a break and like nobody even checks on him. Like he so far is a pretty decent although suspicious (like he doesnt trust others easily not like he himself is suspect) guy and I like him but he is getting some serious Darryl treatment right now. I dont like that, but I like him and want to see more of him. Plus, what the heck happened? Did they leave him passed out in the gym? Did they wipe his memory? What is going on?

Episode highlights

Jordan trying to defend maggie and get parker to leave

The power of Four looking fine as heck for a wedding

Mel as a fly talking to herself

Macy walking in on that kiss

[shhhnottom]

I Got Bored. Here's A Book

Just a quick warning before we actually start this mass roller coaster of bullshit. If you are easily offended, feel free to stop and reverse your hand to the home page.

Also, this is not a story of any kind. It's just a random bunch of subjects that mean something to me and I ramble on about. I drank quite a lot whilst typing 90% of this and watched a fair amount of Netflix

Just take a look at these chapters. I think you could see where this is going to go:

Depression

Anxiety

Television

Self Harm

Procrastination

One Word Chapter

Didn't See That Coming?

Swearing

Panic Attacks

The End?

Just another warning, there will be a fair amount of swearing in this so if you want to censorit out, feck off. It's safer, trust me.

Depression

Yeah, lets start off dark. That seems like it's going to be a great plan. Let's face it, everyone has their bad days. Try to lie, I dare you. I have mine and they get me to a point where I just want to throw myself into a keg of ale and a couple bottles of whiskey. Has to be the good stuff, otherwise my sadness is made more sad. I mean, who wants to depressed and drink a bottle of Tesco value blended shite when there is a long list that will make you feel slightly better, like Jameson's, Tullamore Dew and Paddy's. Yeah, I went straight for the Irish whiskeys, sue me.

Anyway, after my lengthy dabble with the art of drinking myself into a coma every night, waking up for work in the morning, finishing work and continue to drink, I decided that I need to ruin all of the relationships I have built over the years with a combination of heartfelt insults and trying to throw myself into traffic when they are looking. I'm a lovely person, aren't I?

What I decided to do after several attempts on my own life, well two attempts anyway, is to take the fucking hint and realise I'm not supposed to die. Did you know, that therapy is actually effective and gets you to the place where you feel a lot better and not suicidal any more. You see, it's almost as if the doctors who say you are depressed and need therapy are speaking the truth. Who knew? You know what I found doesn't really help. If you decide that you don't need therapy and that finding pictures of celebrities who have decided to end their own lives and post that shit to Facebook, saying that “Even The Happiest People Are Sad”. Its almost like they decide, before they leave the house, that they don't want people on the outside who have cameras and social media accounts to take pictures of them whilst they are having a bad day, and post it all over the fucking place. Fucking hell, I went to therapy for a year before realising that I'm just a massive idiot and if I thought a little bit differently, I could get over all of that nonsense that was going on inside my head. I, now, look at my depression like its one big fucking meme and take the piss out of myself because that's how I can deal with it. I mean, I don't read books and here I am fucking writing one.

The main reason why I look so differently at depression now is because of the millennials who think because something hasn't gone their way, they have to post shit over social media complaining about how hard life is. You haven't even hit 20 yet, you pricks. Wait until you get to 25 or 30 and come to realise “I'm in a dead end job, going nowhere and I have no money”. Oh Jaysus, wait until that comes along. You will think that not getting laid in that shitty club is a holiday.

I mean, there are some great positives to come out of having depression, going to therapy and getting to a point where you are comfortable with living the life you have been given. I, myself have reconnected with people who I thought I had lost, through my incessant need to push them away. I have a better relationship with my parents, now that we have started communicating properly again. I am a lot less selfish, and have developed  a form of empathy I had no idea I had inside. I've even tried to help some people in their times of need, when they were feeling at their worst. I once wrote a letter to someone to try to make them stop going down the same road I went down:

“I have this incessant need to do stupid things to hurt myself

I have broken my hand multiple times to avoid mental harm but have inflicted physical harm on myself

I have destroyed possible relationships in the desire to remain alone, to stop myself inflicting my mental harm upon others

I have kept myself busy in order to stop myself from pursuing a premature non existence”

Told you before that I was a lovely person.

It turns out that maybe, my experiences, aren't as bad as other peoples. It might also turn out that your experiences aren't as bad as mine but I'm not going to presume. Hopefully, you've enjoyed the first chapter, I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few chapters, mainly because I haven't written them yet.

Anxiety

Disclaimer,

I was fucking hammered and heavily depressed writing this chapter and tried to write it completely in the 3rd person. Enjoy.

Have you ever noticed when people get really offended they decide to inhale very dramatically and hold their chest as if they have been hurt so badly that their heart has been hurt? Imagine if those people develop a heart condition. You'll never be able to tell if they eventually do have a heart attack or if you've just told a really funny joke.

Just to reiterate, “this book” is just my thoughts written down whilst I have a couple of drinks and watch Netflix.

Someone once told me that a persons feelings are subject to the person they are. I know people that are massively bitter and their stomachs always hurt. All they do is moan about what other people do or think and then constantly moan that they are ill.

Here Tom, isn't this chapter about anxiety? I'm fucking getting to it. Chill the fuck out.

Getting back to what I was saying before I was rudely interrupted. This person also told me that they get a sore throat every time they want to say something but they force themselves not to. Can you imagine what that's like? To not say what it is you want to say, just to not offend people.

I get super anxious around people who are better than me. I know someone who is literally the most caring person I have ever met. They care more about other people and how they feel than they do about how their life is going. Another thing I get anxious about is when I  think that I've not accomplished what I thought I would have done by this point. I mean, I could claim that I was from a broken home, had to move from my home country to another and had to start my life from square one but I, then, realise that there are so many more people that go through that and I'm not special.

I've just poured another glass of whiskey. Its just about a half a glass. This shit is difficult to write about, can you tell?

If you haven't noticed yet, I like to make stupid jokes just to pass off that I'm OK in the head. “shakes head dramatically”. I put that in because you cant physically see me and I'm shit at drawing my head shaking.

I know a lot of people who smoke an arse tonne of weed just to get over their anxieties. Have you ever smoked weed? That shit is scary. I remember one time, New Year I think, I was working. Showed up at 10am, was supposed to be on until 6pm but it was so quiet that I got sent home after 2 hours. I went to the nearest town and drank like half a bottle of whiskey, well Jack Daniels. Does that count as whiskey? Its basically sugar with some ethanol. Along with several pints of beer and a shit burger from a Wetherspoons. Anyway, after drinking myself into a stupid comatose state where I was still somewhat functioning, myself and one of my friends went back to his house and he broke out the weeds, the green, the marry Joanna. After quite a lot of smoking and a bit more drinking I decided I needed to rest my eyes for a moment, just a single moment. Suddenly, I felt slightly ill in the stomach. I remember saying to him, “If you don't get a bucket, I'll throw up all over your floor”. However the video suggests something different. Yeah, there's a video. It goes something like this: “mmmmmmmmmmm mumuumumumu bucket muumuu floor”. The point is, there was a massive stain on his bedroom carpet for 6 months after. He didn't let it go. At all. The bastard.

That whole story doesn't explain how weed doesn't help my anxiety but I ran out of shit to say and I thought that would break some tension. Hopefully.

I'm currently listening to a song that tells you how to kill yourself. Yeah, this got dark really quick. Although, it has a great message. Don't rely on pop stars to write a song that will resonate with your feelings. Lady Gaga doesn't care if someone found her lyrics about the paparazzi inspirational enough to make them not kill themselves. (There are many pop stars out there who do the same thing, Lady Gaga was just the first person who came to mind). They've made their money, after that they just carry on making new “inspirational songs” and go on a new tour, make more money and the cycle continue. I listen to Twenty One Pilots' album Vessel when I feel really anxious. Seriously, those guys write about what they feel instead of what some songwriter thinks what other people feel.

Hey Tom, how are you going to bring this chapter out of the hole its in? You expect me to be funny and make a point? Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah....Hey Jude.

I've been at this chapter for too long now. I'm fucking done. Good luck understanding this mess I've just read this back. I mean, seriously, if you've got through this well done.

Television

Ah now for fucks sake. Who's idea was it to put in Television as a chapter? Mine? Nah, doesn't sound right. I'm not that fucked up to put this in here. I mean I'd put in music or video games. I'm more interested in those than I am in TV. Fine, Fucking, Fine. I'll talk about this stupid subject. I mean, fuck me. Dumb ass.

At this current moment in time I am watching the second season of Jack Ryan and I can conclusively say that I am not disappointed. Two episodes in and it has been a massive thrill ride. I mean, to go into Venezuela at the current moment is brave just to film a TV show. They must have spent more money picking the safest place to film there than it cost to pay the actors. I could imagine that John Krasinski isn't that cheap to hire after the first series and after the US Office. Not including his directorial debut in the Quiet Place. Magnificent.

I've also watched the Netflix series Daybreak about a dirty bomb going off in L.A and only people under the age of 18 surviving. Very clever concept for a show, and the fact that they managed to film in parts of L.A is even more impressive for a small time TV show.

3 paragraphs I managed to get through before getting to a point. I decided to throw on the last thing I was watching on Netflix to emphasise said point. Yeah, I'm watching the last series of How I Met Your Mother. DONT START. Seriously, I know. Up until the last 2 episodes it was OK. It was a great story overdone by bad direction.

4 paragraphs, look at me.

OK, by this time, I'm sure you're getting it. TV is a great way to distract yourself from the real world. A great way to distract from your problems in the world. I mean, you've got to find the right show for you but there are so many out there at the moment and so many ways to watch them. There will always be people who say that you shouldn't waste your time sat and watching TV, go do something with yourself. Just imagine what those people do when they get in from their days at work. They come home, sit in an empty chair and look at their walls. I mean, they could be reading a book. Preferably, this one. Or maybe not, but my point is still valid. You could read your books and force your brain to imagine the world that the book is coming to or you could spend the time to celebrate the people that have done that before you and decided to 'Do something with themselves' and make their favourite book into a magnificent visual performance. I mean, at this point, I have switched to the modern Sherlock Holmes series, which as everybody knows is brought to life from the many stories written by Arthur Conan Doyle. This TV show is 90 minutes long per episode and is very entertaining, so you never seem to notice that the time goes by. This means that if you are feeling a certain way at the start of the show, there is a 90 minute period where your feelings could change, your opinion of the world could change.

OK, I have nothing left to rant about here. If I were to speak about another music or video games I would have been here for another 6 pages but I figured your time would be spent better here.

I mean I wrote the names of the chapters before I wrote the actual chapters themselves so you're as stuck as I am with what gets written. I could change this but where's the fun in that.

Good luck reading the next chapter. I promise, I will be completely hammered writing it because I'm going to continue writing after this chapter. I am currently on the verge of tears now so, I guess good luck to me too. Thank you for reading up to this point if you have. I've tried to keep it fun but now I'm into serious mode.

Self Harm

Hey people, lets enter dark mode. I mean every other company on the planet has already done it. I mean, apart from Facebook but those bastards let political propaganda through, so I guess that counts.

I mean, that's the shortest joke I've told so far so, for the people that know me, know that this will be a bastard of a chapter. And also ,for people that know me will also be looking at this chapter going, 'He's not seriously going to talk about this, is he?' Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Over the last five years, there have been several moments I am ashamed of. All of which are my own fault. I once launched an egg at someone because the oil that I was supposed to put it in splashed at me.

Did you know that even talking about a certain subject can sometimes bring up feelings you hate? Coming to realise that.

I fell for a woman. Gorgeous, smart, beautiful. We had a lot in common. She was my perfect equal apart from she was caring and humble about it. I'm an arrogant bastard. She was single at the time and I thought I had some form of chance to win her over not knowing everything about her. At this time, I was a very possessive person. I would have done anything to be with her. I let this attribution take control of me at the worst time. I wanted to play the long game, get to know her and eventually ask her out. I went out for drinks with a friend one night. Got absolutely rat arsed. I found out, that night, that she had been asked out by somebody else and she had accepted. I didn't know her very well by this point but because of my possessive compulsion, I took this very personally. It was neither of their fault, just myself.

Some time had passed and I was trying to prove my self worth to this woman. She was still with the same man and I was still jealous. Another night, another time these people were around me, another time that I tried to make it about me.

9 shots of tequila later. 9 exactly. Someone kept count by keeping a tally on my arm. In marker, before you get to excited. I'm not sure of how many other drinks on top but it was 9 tequilas. Anyway, I'd had some minor thoughts in the past of how my life should end but that night my head went into overload. You know, that summer was so bad for me I don't even know if this was the same night. Anyway, after some time and a lot of drinks later, I figured that this was the end of the night for me. Well, end of something for me. I had decided that this was the last straw for my bad luck in this world.

There is a point where half the people I know think a certain habit started but in actual fact this story is where my habit actually began. Everyone has their own stories, where they cut their wrists to fill some form of void, to feel. There are some people who look for it sexually, unfortunately I'm not the lucky. I decided this night out of pure frustration to pull said woman aside, point at a wall and told her that was how I felt when I was around her at that point. I was a brick wall. I wanted noting else at the time to kill that brick wall. So, what I did next is, by far the thing I regret the most. Out of everything I've ever done and believe me, I've done some bad shit. Over and over again, I punched that wall until I could no longer feel my hand and then, I carried on until I broke my hand and then, I carried on until somebody pulled me away from the wall. By this time, I had broken my hand in 2 places, I was bleeding all over the place and I had broken every friendship I had built and every relationship I had hoped to build. I think the most embarrassing thing for me was, the person who bandaged me up was the person who had the balls to ask the woman I had fallen for. Could you imagine? This was the person I had blamed for driving me to the place I was. He helped bandage me up and the woman who I had fallen for was consoling me and trying to help me get through what was in my head. I could not take this. In my head, I would never be able to recover from this. I continued for another 18 months to cut myself, punch walls, headbutt walls, kick and break my hand and other bones in my body. I was always in a mental state where I never thought that I was good enough until I decided that enough was enough.

Surprisingly, when people say that therapy works, they are telling the truth. Big wow. I think its safe to say I am definitely stupid enough to continue writing this nonsense. Well there's a few more chapter so lets see where we end up.

Procrastination

OK so its been a solid 2 months since I wrote the last chapter, which is long enough by anyone's standards, but for me, being the stubborn prick that I am, is no time at all. I mean, I can not do something for an extended period of time. It took me a year to launch a business I could have launched in 6 months only because I changed my mind on whether or not I wanted to start the bastard thing in the first place. It took me spending a grand on my first design to actually say, “Yeah, I'm in too fucking deep here to pull out”.

I've gone through 90% of my life not doing things when they needed to be done in favour of doing them the very last second, mostly because I was scared that they would never work out in the way that I wanted them to and that I would constantly be they failure I feared I always would be. I never believed that anything I was doing was worth the time or effort to do. I decided at the very end of college that I wanted to go to university but by the time I had decided this, it was too late to take seriously and I missed out. I did 3 years in college whilst everybody around me only did 2 because of this. Still, I never went to university so I guess that third year was pointless but the point was that I spent so much time on the internet playing online games instead of revising for exams and concentrating on my coursework.

This got very serious when it got suggested to me that I might need to go to therapy to sort out what was going on inside my head. I kept telling people that I would go eventually because I never though that I was “that” bad but going by what you have read in the previous chapters proves that I made the mistake of putting it off. Big woop. I did go in the end but it took some serious relationship breakdowns, quite a few broken bones and the attraction to my inevitable early grave to accomplish.

I think the message here is to not be afraid of what you thin will fail. Give what you want a try and if it fails, get back up and try it again in a different way. Never give up on something if you really want it to happen and listen to the people who you care about, who also care about you. Especially when they are telling you something is wrong and they are concerned.

One Word Chapter

Vukei

Didn't See That Coming?

Yeah, you probably should have seen that one coming. Its literally called a one word chapter.

It took me two minutes to choose the word. I had an unlimited choice to go with across multiple languages, so me being me went for the most obscure language of Fijian. What does the word mean? Do I look like Google?

There is no moral to this chapter. I just needed to fill in a gap to make this “book” look more full than it actually is. I mean, the moral could be that I've got to a point where I am comfortable enough to actually start doing what I say I am going to and then do it. I still get people telling me to do the most ridiculous things and saying that I will never do them because of the person I used to be. Imagine the look on their faces when I actually come through with the goods. I started a joke with a friend where , when we worked together, we would always listen to Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus whilst we worked and when we stopped working together, whenever the song came, we would SnapChat the other whilst the song was on. We said that this wouldn't last long so I personally made sure that the joke carried on. At the time of this being written we haven't worked together for over a year and the joke is still going.

Swearing

Welcome to this shit storm of a chapter. Do you ever notice that when you hurt yourself in a bad way you cant help but swear. That's because it releases a small amount of dopamine into your brain to help ease the situation you are in and stops some pain in the process. Weird, right? I'm in the strange occupation of chef where I am constantly getting burnt, cut and verbally abused in different languages, so swearing is one of those things that helps with the day to day survival of working in kitchens. I could fall into one of the other 5 habits that a chef develops as a result of the stupid work that we have to do. Those habits being:

Drug Abuse

Alcohol Abuse

Gambling Addiction

Caffeine Addiction

Smoking

I do suffer from 2 of these. Not saying which ones but I do have people around me that think I'm on at least 4 of them so that's nice but in every profession there is the secret, hidden thing that helps them through the day and that's the swearing aspect. I don't think, in the last 3 years, I have gone a day without telling someone that they should fuck themselves or that they are a cunt with them being aware that I am just taking the piss out of them an I don't mean half the shit I say. It just becomes habit to tell people to fuck off or suggest that they shove a large object up their rectums.

I used to knock the shite out of walls to relieve stress but I would always swear like a cunt after I would do it thinking to myself “You are a stupid prick and I hate you”. I would then look at my hand, laugh and say out loud “Ha you are a cunt”. The thought was always I would get over some of the pain if I constantly just swore to myself and carried on as if nothing had happened. Of course, my hand would always hurt for days afterwards and I would be swearing until it healed only to find another wall to knock shite out of and the process would start all over again.

Panic Attacks

A friend once said to me, “Bring A Harmonica Everywhere You Go, So If You Have A Panic Attack You Can At Least Make Some Music”. I never bought the harmonica but it is a very good way to portray what its like to have regular panic attacks. Could you imagine just busking in town, guitar in hand trying to be the next Ed Sheeran and then suddenly, your heart starts to blast out of chest, you feel light headed and you start to hyperventilate. That would be the best time ever to pull out your harmonica. You'll be on the floor with tears rolling down your face but you'll be smashing that cover of You Don't Know How It Feels by Tom Petty.

I starting writing this back when I was having regular panic/anxiety attacks, every 2-3 days in fact, but getting to this point its a bit more every month so, yay progress but I wrote the chapters out months before and I said I would follow through with it so here I am.

Funny story, I once had a panic attack in a nightclub whilst sat on a replica of The Iron Throne from Game of Thrones, whilst my friend was out on the pull. That's the whole story, seriously, but could you imagine having a great time up until the point when you realise you are surrounded by 250+ people you don't know, with a severe case of crowd anxiety and your friend abandons you for the prospect of sex. My head exploded and there was a very attractive looking wall outside that I felt needed a makeover. Never got the makeover, the lucky bastard.

I used to make the biggest mistake for myself whenever I felt anxious, panicky or depressed because when my depression was really bad, my drinking made it so much worse because I lost the control that I had over myself. My mistake in recent times is that, when I started to feel like my old self, I would have a drink to try to combat it. That is the mistake I would make. Try to stay away from my old self by doing what my old self would do.

Its got to a point now where, even where I am reading this back, and nothing in my body reacts. No anxiety, no panic and no depression. Well, saying that, I still have those feelings but they are not nearly as hurt filled as they were in the past. My secret, apart from therapy, on how I deal with life and why I am the way I am now is.

The End?

I mean, is there really an end to a story, an idea? I do have secrets, everyone does. My biggest is that I made a character in myself to try to avoid loving myself and anyone else. I acted as if I didn't care about other people to make it easier on myself if it came to a point where they let me down or, in the more realistic circumstance, where I let them down. I always tell people that I'm not a nice person to put them off this fact so that they see me as the character I made up. I make certain jokes to people to put them off and I say things to them to give them the idea that they need to avoid any form of relationship with me so that they don't get hurt in the crossfire of what I am.

In the 2 years since I have made this character, only 3 people have seen through it and seen me underneath, no matter how much I have tried to put them off. One of which is my mother, another being the woman mentioned in the Self Harm chapter and one more person who I fell for but not in the way I have before. Only because I am afraid of what would happen to me if I had made the same mistakes from before. Its really irritating trying to get people to keep the secret that I am a horrible bastard so I can stay in my own little bubble.

At the time in which I am typing this, I have not been to therapy for 2 months. In this time, I have learnt that:

Not everyone is out to get me

Not every decision I make will fail

I have the self control to not hurt myself physically or mentally

My emotions are not here to hurt me

I am capable of loving myself along with someone else

I am a nice person and I don't need to hide behind my old self

Swearing actually does help, I don't have any regrets there

Bring a harmonica to a panic attack if I want to be the next Tom Petty

Don't throw away the opportunity to love if given it. It will bite you in the arse if you do

Safe to say, even though I have my bad days, I have, recently, barely gone a day without having a smile on my face. For those who know me will know that this is a rare occurrence.

I don't think there will be a day where I don't think about the person I used to be. I'm sure I will use this as a defence mechanism in the future but I know that I will eventually get over it. If you ever see me later, if I ever just clench my fist. Just know that I am trying to counter act my old self. Not very helpful but still.

I want to thank every person who has helped me become who I am now because who I was previous was, to put it lightly, a total cunt. I have become a functioning person, with some glitches, only a couple though. I decided to thank everyone who helped me in person months ago but it needs to be said again to solidify my authenticity.

If you have read it to this far, you are one of the people who have helped me, inadvertently, but still thank you.

Tom

[fullsunhyuckie]

we grow up!

*here’s to mark’s graduation from dream! you’ve done well, mark.

slice of life!au

in which a group of strangers go for an adventure of a lifetime.

disclaimer: i know mark graduated yesterday but i wrote this story a long time ago and i feel like there isn’t a better time than now for me to post this. so here goes my tears :,) 

day0:

at 19, mark was unsure of his future.

it never crossed mark’s mind that the age, twenty, would come so early but boy was he wrong. it was as if it was only yesterday he just learnt how to chew gum.

mark was intending to go on a road trip for five days right before he officially becomes an adult. but you see, the downside of being a hardworking individual is that you simply have no friends. that’s how mark came up with the idea to invite 6 other teenagers around his age to follow him. he went to the local cafe right opposite his block. it was the place where teenagers often hang out.

there he met 6 other teens who were different yet he could connect with them easily. renjun, an 18 year old aspiring artist who left his hometown to pursue his dreams. he’s small but he can hit a bitch if he needs to. jeno, an 18 year old cheerful soul who will do anything to ensure that everyone is happy. he says he is no fun but he can turn on his funny button if he needs to. haechan, an 18 year old devilish boy who should’ve been born in the 80s. he picks on others but he sure is full of love. jaemin, a loveable 18 year old boy who could flirt for a living. he may seem a little odd with all the flirting but he’s the most loyal friend you can ever come across. chenle, a 17 year old loud loud child who is absolutely talented. he screams a lot but he definitely has a beautiful voice. and lastly, jisung, a 16 year old dancer who is insanely talented. he’s young but he is taller than you. a fact.

“let’s go on a road trip.” and that’s how their journey began.

day1:

mark thought this was a stupid idea. he was the only one who could drive so how was he supposed to fully experience his adventure. whatever it was, he still continued on. it’s not like he could find group of 6 other willing boys.

he borrowed his brother’s, johnny, red suv and drove right off. there was no plan, nothing. just 7 boys in a red suv ready to experience life together. it started off awkward. none of them talked. even haechan, the supposed moodmaker, was silent throughout the whole journey. there was just nothing they could talk about, they didnt know each other at all.

even as they reached the first pitstop, they were silent. probably just constant gag sounds from renjun because he disliked awkward situations. i mean it’s not like mark could do anything, he was driving. while they were having a cup of hot chocolate (weirdly enough, all of them ordered the same thing), mark blurted out a question about why they decided to follow him. they all had the same exact answer (well not exactly but you get it) and that is because they all have a dream,,,,,and then the awkward silence returned.

they all willingly agreed to pitch a tent and have a camp by the sea, the moment they arrived. well, at least it wasnt so awkward when they were asleep.

day2:

the next morning they drove off to have brunch. on the way to the diner, famous for their pancakes, haechan boosted his stereo to michael jackson’s bad and surprisingly all of them enjoyed it. they had more similarities than they thought they would. as they reached the diner, the mood was lighter than ever. it was as if sleeping together made them bond well. again, all of them ordered rather similarly. jaemin suggested they played a prank on the waitress to add a little spice to their morning. jisung decided that they should play a game and the loser has to sing the menu to the waitress.

as expected, renjun lost and he was forced to do the prank. he came up to her and before he could say anything the waitress said, “with voices as loud as you boys, you think i wouldnt know what you’re about to do? save yourself the embarrassment.” with that all of them ran out, leaving a red cheeked renjun standing in the middle of the diner. remember when i said renjun could hit a bitch if he wanted to? well this is what i meant. none of the boys left without a bruise. especially chenle who could not stop laughing.

they decided once again to stop by a park to take in fresh air. mark decided they should get to know one another even better. thats how they ended up playing a game of two truths and one lie. there were stupid lies and horribly dumb truths that came up and one that got mark thinking whether growing up was something he wanted. during haechan’s turn, he explained that his truth was that he was afraid of not having anywhere to go after being an adult. they all left what haechan said aside because truth be told none of them knew for themselves either.

they carried on playing other games and having dinner at the same diner because let’s be real, renjun’s pride comes after a good meal. but throughout the whole time, all of them started getting afraid of the horrors of their adulthood. even for jisung who still has 4 years left till his coming of age.

day3:

now, the third day was the most awful. they felt raw this day. but we’ll get to that. it has only been 2 days but the boys felt as though they had been friends for decades. or rather decade, none of them are twenty as of now.

jaemin and jeno went to the nearby convenience store to get breakfast for the boys. for the whole day they decided to just sit around and talk. and so they did. thats the reason why they felt raw.

mark sat without sharing anything. he was terrified. he was afraid that if anyone knew about it they would mock him and his innocent dream.

renjun began first. he talked about how he thinks that his dream is dumb. it has been 4 years since he came to korea and not once has he gotten an offer to further his art studies. whats the point he thought? anything he drew would never be approved as beautiful enough. and it sucks because when he showed his artwork, mark thought that it was a masterpiece. to him it doesnt matter how beautiful the piece was, it was the story behind it that counts. and that came mark’s first lesson, that nothing in life is ever fair.

jeno went on to talk about how he had no goal. nothing at all. for him, his dream is to live a life with no regrets. thats why he’s not pushing to do anything to stress himself out. he’s just gonna go with the flow. after graduating from his high school barely passing, he feels as though it doesnt matter. jeno believes that he’ll get somewhere one day. after all he’s still a teenager he’s got enough time to think about these things. but for now, he’ll just live in the moment. and that was mark’s second lesson, to live and let loose.

haechan was next. he had a dream to be a singer. and god that boy could sing. but for haechan he felt insecure. no matter how many people came up to him to tell him he was talented, he just cant accept that. that’s probably why he hides it with all the snarky remarks and the over the top compliments for himself. he never felt that he was good enough. but mark feels bad because haechan doesnt deserve to feel that way. haechan was full of love and he couldnt understand why he couldnt give himself any. this made him learn his third lesson, that only you can bring happiness to yourself.

and then there’s jaemin. mark cant help but feel sympathetic for him. jaemin was a dancer, a really good one (from the videos jaemin showed). but the thing is he cant dance anymore. at all. he got into an accident and now he isnt allowed to dance anymore. but the weird thing is that it didnt stop him from being content with life. for he feels that everything happens for a reason. and mark looks up to jaemin because he never fails to put on a smile knowing that his dream of being a dancer is near impossible for him to achieve. that’s how mark learnt to smile even if failure comes.

well for chenle, he had already achieved his dream. well partially. he is currently a trainee singer at a well known agency in korea. as a child, chenle was a music prodigy in china. he went on talent shows and clinched first place in almost every one of them. it was as if chenle’s future had already been written for him to be a singer. but he never used his past to get a boost for an opportunity in the industry. he worked incredibly hard to get into the agency and never once did he take his place for granted. mark learnt from him that its important to stay humble.

and lastly, jisung, the dancing king. mark was amazed by how insanely talented this boy was. it was no wonder he became a famous child dancer, known all over korea. anywhere jisung went people would recognise him and mob him for his autograph or a picture. but as mark sees how jisung acts when he’s with those his age, he realises that jisung is in fact just a kid and he’s just trying to enjoy life as normal teenager. its a pity for jisung because he devoted his whole youth to dancing, and now even when he looks back, his childhood was all just a blur. he complains that if there was one regret he had, it was not living each day to its fullest. that was mark’s last lesson. to seize every moment.

by the end of it all, they were all starting to doze off. and before they knew it , they fell asleep. except mark because he cant help but wonder what will happen to these boys once they part. and in that same moment he thinks, thank god i met these people.

day4:

the next day they woke up in the late afternoon. all of them felt exhausted after spilling almost everything about themselves.

the moment mark woke up he felt awful. there were only two days left till he becomes an adult and that thought scared him to his wits. he began sobbing softly and the boys came running to him. mark explained.

mark was afraid of having a future at all. everytime he tried, he failed. mark wanted to be a rapper. wanted. because there were so many competitions that he attended and he failed. so many people told him that he’ll fail because as a rapper, there’s no future for him.

mark shared that his parents were supportive of him so that wasnt a problem. but you see he didnt want to burden his parents. he knew if he pursued this dream it would take a lot of money and none would be gained back. now mark’s left, all goal-less because he knows if he tried, he’ll fail for sure.

so that’s how mark ended up here in seoul. because he needed a breather. his parents advised that if he doesnt know what to do he should just enter college. thats a sure success because a degree can get you any job you need. but mark was sure it wont bring him happiness because he knows that he doesnt want to go to university, it’s just not him. mark felt empty as though no one understood him, until now of course.

as the 7 dreamers sat under the night sky they thought to themselves. the adults always say you need to plan for your future, you need to know what you want to do. but they never help you. they’d just leave you to figure things out by yourself.

the adults never tell us how hard the process of growing up is. they never prepare us for it. its like going into a battlefield without weapons. no matter how loud you shout or plead for them to aid you. its useless because now they’ll pull out the “it’s your life. it’s your decision” card. but if you fail, its all on you. and if you succeed then suddenly, the family’s the one who paid for the fees and give you moral support and all that jazz.

so that made them awfully afraid because they knew that one day they’ll be doing something and that they’ll get somewhere. but what if they arent happy? what if they’re miserable?

day5:

it was the last day. the 7 of them drove back. the whole drive home was silent. they knew that it’ll be the last time they would see each other. mark will be leaving. he didnt intend to grow so close with the boys but he did and now he hates it. his heart is heavy to leave them but he has to. he understands that people come and go. thats just the cycle. unknown to mark, this is part of growing up. he has to accept that, nothing in life is constant, no matter how hard it is.

as they reached the same coffee house, you could see how all their eyes turned crystal. but their egos are high, so fret not cause they’ll not cry. except renjun and haechan, they cried. hard.

all mark did was put a smile on his face and he said “yo dream. promise me you’ll remember me, alright. we’ll see each other soon.”

and with that he left. and never turned back. because he knew if he did, he wont be able to say goodbye.

day6 (the day mark turned 20) :

now, mark’s 20.

at 20, mark’s still unsure of his future. but he knows that all he wants for now, is to be happy.

-Z

[greyias]

FIC: By the Guidance of Stars - Chapter 8

Title: By the Guidance of Stars Fandom: SWTOR Pairing: Theron Shan/f!Jedi Knight Rating: T (this chapter) Genre: Angst, H/C, Romance, Humor Synopsis: The Coalition tries to heal in the aftermath of the Battle of Yavin 4, but not every wound is physical. A series of missing scenes set during the end of Shadow of Revan. Warnings: See Chapter 1. Author’s Note: Last of the previously posted chapters, although this version has been revised to adjust for canon and some other things that bugged me.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Crossposted to AO3

As twilight gave way to night, the oppressive humidity eased into a slightly uncomfortable mugginess, but the breeze atop the crumbling platform chased through the open crevices in Theron’s jacket, making him almost cold. It was absolutely wonderful, and he didn’t know why anyone ever came down from this place if this was the alternative to drowning in their own sweat in the main camp. Of course, his reasons for extending his stay up on the high vantage point might have been more than just escaping the uncomfortable jungle swelter. Everyone would be departing Yavin tomorrow and going their separate ways. The moment his head hit the pillow, tomorrow would come, and with it, farewells.

Until then, he had the night.

Theron had no idea what was going on with him. His chest felt light, like it might float away and take the rest of his body with it at any moment. It was almost like being drunk, without having to take shots from any of the flasks traveling around camp. He would have suspected someone had snuck something in the evening meal, except none of it had started until he had gotten up onto the platform. Part of him wanted to run far, far away until this temporary madness passed, and the other part of him just wanted to sweep his companion off her feet and just disappear into her embrace until the stars went cold, any onlookers be damned. Neither of those options made any logical sense, so instead he flopped down at the edge of the platform and let his legs dangle over the precipice. The feeling of nothingness meeting his feet and staring at the several hundred foot drop into the jungle below set his heart pumping and he leaned forward to try and find the bottom.

Apparently that was one step too far, because the action gained a startled shout. “What are you doing?”

He tossed a look back at the fretting Jedi. “Sitting. It’s fun.”

“What if you fall?”

He shot her a boyish grin. “Then you’ll catch me.”

She huffed and crossed her arms. “With what? The Force?”

“I’ll let you figure out the details if it comes to that.”

“You have an awful lot of faith in my abilities to prevent you from doing something stupid.”

“You haven’t let me down yet.”

The sigh she let out was exasperated, but even in the darkness he could make out the corners of her lips twitching as she tried to repress a smile. “Why do you make a habit of being so reckless?”

“Because it’s fun.” He pat the open space next to him in invitation. “It’s a nice view. Why don’t you come over here and see?” 

She crossed her arms, canting her hip at an angle. “And what if I fall?”

He met her stubborn irritation with a warm smile. “Then I’ll catch you.”

Grey shuffled forward a few steps, possibly without thinking about it, because she stopped with a sudden jerk and stared at him suspiciously. “And what if we both fall?”

“Well, then,” he leaned back on one palm, craning his neck so he could watch her every reaction in the starlight, “at least we’d be falling together. I’m sure between the two of us we’d figure something out.”

“You are impossible,” she muttered, but slid in next to him. 

Gingerly she extended one leg off the edge, fist curled into what was probably a white knuckled grip under those gloves. He took pity on her, and extended his hand. She eyed it for a moment, before grasping it firmly and flinging the other leg off the edge dramatically. Her nod to him was defiant, even as her fingers formed a vice around his hand.

“See? Isn’t this nice?” he asked.

“It would be nicer with a railing.”

“That’d take out half the fun.” He lightly kicked her foot with his, earning a glare. “You don’t get an adrenaline rush if you know you can’t fall.”

“You don’t get enough of those while on the clock?”

“Do you?” he challenged.

In his mind’s eye, Theron could still see her blades twirling in a blur on on Tython. Could still feel the adrenaline pumping through his own veins as she risked her own life again and again with no hesitation. On Manaan. Rakata. Rishi. As innocent and proper an exterior she liked to present to the world, there was something wild and dangerous and irresistible lurking underneath that sweet facade. Someone a lot like himself. Just waiting for the right moment to burst forth.

“A Jedi doesn’t seek—“

He put a finger to her lips to stop the expected tirade, and leaned in a little closer. “I didn’t ask about a Jedi—I asked about you.” 

She frowned, leaning back just enough so his finger slipped down from her lips to rest against her chin. “Do you really think there’s a difference?”

Theron didn’t break her gaze, and just nodded ever so slightly with a soft hum of agreement. There was much more to her than the perfect little Jedi she kept trying to pretend to be. Too many layers and mysteries underneath the surface, and he wanted to peel back each one until she was laid bare before him. In every sense and meaning of the phrase.

Her fingers were still wrapped around his one hand like an anchor, and she let out a small huff as she glanced away. “We were talking about you, not me.”

“If you say so,” he said softly, and slowly leaned back into his own space.

The uncertain expression that flashed across her face was just as confusing as the strange fever that had overtaken him since he’d climbed up onto this platform. If he looked too deeply into any of this he’d probably descend into madness, or whatever the next step was after his current stage of mania. Her fingers loosened their death grip, and he let his hand drop back to the ground. She stared at it, lips pursed together as if she was trying to puzzle something out.

“I don’t always understand you,” she said after a moment. “You say one thing, but do another. Yet I don’t ever get the sense that you’re being dishonest with either.”

“Are you talking about anything in particular, or just in general?”

“I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “I’m not making sense.”

“I haven’t really felt like I’ve been making much sense either,” he admitted quietly.

“Like dangling off the edge of a two-hundred foot drop for no reason?”

“I told you the reason,” he said lightly, “that it’s fun.”

“You probably find explosions fun too,” she said sourly.

“It depends on how close I am to the explosion.”

“What frightens me is I don’t think you’re joking.”

“As I said,” he sat up, leaning ever so slightly to peek over the edge, pretending to teeter a little just because he was kind of an ass, “a little danger never hurt anyone.”

“And a little caution doesn’t hurt anything either.” Her hand immediately grabbed onto his arm, pulling him back. A thrill shot through him both at the renewed contact and the protective gesture.

“I suppose we could meet somewhere in the middle.” He inched back from the edge a few inches and some of the tension relaxed out of her frame. “If you’d like.”

“Perhaps.” She edged closer to him and the precipice, hand anchored around his arm as she pressed against him. “But I draw the line at explosions.”

“Oh, come on,” his breath puffed across her skin as he leaned in closer, “you love explosions, and you know it.”

He couldn’t see her roll her eyes, but he heard the exasperated breath she let out before her lips brushed chastely against his for the first time since Rishi. Her hand was still clamped down tight on his arm, as if holding on for dear life. He felt her tongue flick between his lips, a delicate tease that he obliged as he deepened the kiss. A wave of heat crashed over him, and if he wasn’t careful he could easily drown. 

It was just a small taste, but enough to light a deep, yearning hunger inside of Theron. Just like on Rishi, it reminded him of the exhilarating jolt coursing through his veins when space diving on Ruuria. Volcano boarding on Mima II. Base jumping off the Bubble Cliffs on Qiaxx. It was just as or even more intoxicating than every thrill he’d ever chased, and he wondered if every inch of her was just as much of a rush as this.

He eventually had to come up for air and broke away, her tiny moan of disappointment doing wonders for his ego. He leaned his forehead against hers, relishing in both the warmth of her skin and the soft tickle of her bangs. A soft tendril of breeze wrapped around them both, and he let his eyes drift shut as he tried to lean into this moment just as he had when they’d been watching the stars above. Wanting to make it last as long as humanly possible.

“I wanted to do that since you first stepped foot on Yavin,” he admitted quietly after several long moments.

“Why didn’t you?”

“Well, we were a little busy,” he said. “And we weren’t exactly alone.”

“This isn’t exactly a private space,” she pointed out.

“I know,” he breathed. “I just… wanted to do that one more time.”

“Only once?”

He opened his eyes to see hers meeting his. They sparkled with a mischievous glint that he was pretty sure would have earned her quite the lecture back in her Padawan days.

“More than once.” And more than just that, but the five million warnings from all of her nosy crewmates were echoing in his ears, and despite his better judgement, he heeded them. No one could ever accuse him of not listening after this, because damn if he didn’t want to pursue whatever this thing was to the very end. “Way more.”

“How many?” Her eyes crinkled as a bright smile lit up her face.

More than the number of stars in the sky, was the truth, but aloud he said, “I don’t know if you can count that high.”

“I’ll have you know, I’ve learned a lot of numbers.” She caught his laugh in another kiss, and when she broke away, her eyes were still glittering. “See, that’s two.”

“And here I just thought you were just a pretty face that knew a thing or two about swinging around a lightsaber.”

“Nope. I’m very talented.”

“At just about everything that I can see.” And because he could, Theron brushed his lips against hers once more.

“And that’s three,” she murmured, “although I’m tempted to not count it.”

“I have to switch things up every now and then, otherwise you’ll get bored.”

“If there’s one thing I haven’t been since I met you, it’s bored.”

“I must be doing something right then.”

“You are.”

She grabbed the collar of his jacket and yanked him to her, pulling him in for another kiss. She sucked in his bottom lip and ran her tongue over the indentation of his recently healed skin. It had been swollen, split, and sore their first kiss, and her enthusiasm then had been dampened by his injured state. Now she was like an explorer slowly mapping out a new star system, almost as if she was trying to commit everything to memory.

That prompted a too deep thought about the next day’s impending departure, so he surged forward and deepened the kiss—turning it into something so Theron surged forward, deepening the kiss into something so breathless and wild he didn’t have time to think about anything else.

“Has anyone ever told you,” her words were quiet as she broke away, hardly a whisper on the air, “that you can be very distracting?”

“A time or two,” he said quietly. “What am I distracting you from?”

“Everything.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

She shook her head ever so slightly, possibly without even realizing it. “I know what I’m supposed to say…”

“I’ve never been big on rules.” He brushed away the bangs that fell into her face, obscuring the stormy emotion beginning to brew in her eyes. “I find them too constricting.”

“I used to find the rules comforting. Everything in its place, and if you just followed them well enough, everything would turn out okay.”

“Used to?”

Her eyes dropped down to the ground then, expression falling as she shook her head. “I don’t believe that anymore.”

A hard lump settled in Theron’s throat as he looked at the dim expression, making it hard to swallow. All the sparkle and mischief had faded from her eyes, leaving a cold empty expanse as she stared unseeing down at the ground.  Something in his chest tightened and he found himself picking up her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze, unsure of what else to do. She blinked, as if summoned back to the here and now from wherever she had gone.

“I’m sorry.” She shook her head lightly, as if trying to chase something away. “I think I broke the mood.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said gently, giving her hand another squeeze. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“We were having a good time, I… I let my mind wander.”

“No, I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying.”

“How are you supposed to know?” She laughed, but it was the choked desperate laughter of someone trying to hold on to their control.

“I feel like I should, or at least, not keep doing this to you.”

“It’s not just you. This just keeps happening. With everyone,” she whispered. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should be better than this.”

“Do you want me to go?”

She shook her head quickly, giving the hand holding hers a tight, almost bone-breaking squeeze.

“I thought I was done with this. After Rishi… Master Orgus said he healed these scars left by… that should have fixed it. Shouldn’t it?” 

From the quiet desperation in Grey’s voice, he had a feeling the question was more rhetorical than something he could really answer. Not that the jumble of words made a lot of sense to him. Wasn’t… Orgus Din her final master before her knighting? Hadn’t he been killed near the beginning of her career as a Jedi? To Theron’s knowledge she had never even visited Rishi before being lured there by him and Lana. And he hadn’t a clue what scars her former Master was supposed to have healed.

“I thought,” he said carefully, “that he had passed away a long time ago.”

“He… visited me while we were on Rishi.”

 Theron almost asked about how exactly a dead man could just drop in for a chat and quick spiritual healing session, but if their encounters with Revan had taught him anything, it was that the Force was… weird. And complicated. And probably something he really didn’t want to think on too deeply because things like this just hurt his brain. Apparently even the boundaries of life and death were just mere technicalities to the Jedi like the one sitting next to him. Except Grey didn’t exactly look like the strong confident Jedi at the moment, more like a lost child looking for her parents. He could tolerate a few minutes of bizarre Force talk, if it helped ease that somehow.

“I’m sorry, I know this is strange.”

“No stranger than a half-zombie, half-ghost ancestor.”

The breath she exhaled was almost a wry laugh, but not quite. “That was a new one for me too.”

“At least we’re forging new territory together, eh?” He gave her hand a brief squeeze.

The corner of her mouth twitched up, nearly into a sad smile. “I suppose so.”

“So, was that the personal business you went to take care of before you headed to Torch’s Island?”

She nodded, giving him a sad smile. “He came to visit me one last time. I think he knew we weren’t going to succeed here on Yavin, and he wanted to try and help me one last time.”

“Masters are like that,” he agreed, his own thoughts briefly centering on Ngani Zho. “They just want what’s best for their Padawans.”

“He still called me that,” her eyes glittered with tears, “even as a ghost I was still his Padawan.”

“So is this whole Force ghost thing… common?” he asked uncertainly. 

She shook her head. “When a Jedi passes, they’re supposed to become one with the Force. Usually they don’t stick around for long conversations.”

“I guess Master Orgus felt the need to make an exception,” Theron said carefully.

“You could say that,” she smiled shakily. “He always did have to do things his own way. Even death.”

He nodded mutely, unsure of what he could say exactly. The only thing that came to mind were questions that he had promised not to ask, and even if it was a stupid promise, he still wanted to keep it. It was so easy to break things, but he wanted to try and keep his word to her intact. The reason why that was important was still vague and distant, but his gut said it was, and Theron always listened to his gut.

“You surprise me,” she said quietly, “you ask questions, but never the big one.”

“I promised you I wasn’t going to pry,” he reminded her. “I don’t want to be someone who breaks promises to you.”

“I don’t know what I’ve done to earn that.” He felt her other hand fold over his, enveloping it in a cocoon of gloved warmth. It was at that moment, he realized that he had never actually touched her with his bare fingers, that there had always been some sort of barrier between them. “It’s more than I deserve, but I’m grateful for it nonetheless.”

He didn’t have the proper elocution to properly unpack that statement and address it fully, but he felt the need to try, as inadequate as his own words were. “On Rishi. You came for me.”

Her lost expression softened as she met his eyes, but he was crap at decoding his own emotions, much less those of others. “Of course I did.”

“You didn’t have to.” His chest felt like someone was cleaving it in two, but he didn’t break his gaze, determined to try and at least attempt to finish his poor explanation. “I’m not used to that.”

“I will never leave you behind.”

The statement was uttered quietly, but so fiercely determined there was no doubt that she meant it. He swallowed, that lump still firmly lodged in his throat. The whole faith in others thing wasn’t usually in his repertoire, as it was a lot easier to glide on the default mode of skepticism. Everyone eventually moved on their own way, and logic said that nothing would be different this time. The determined look in her eye said exactly where logic could go, and Theron decided to side with the clear winner in this fight.

“I think I believe you,” he finally said, “which is kind of a first for me.”

“It won’t be the last,” she promised, wrapping her fingers around his tightly. “So get used to it.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said quietly, prompting a tiny sad smile.

“I wish I could be a brighter, stronger person for you. For everyone really, but you… make me want to be more.”

“I’m good with the person sitting with me right now,” he said. “You don’t need to be anything more than that.”

“You don’t need a fearless monster slayer? Someone who can look into the void and laugh?”

He shook his head. “That person doesn’t sound very fun.”

“She could be, if I tried.” Grey glanced down. “Maybe if I tried harder, I’d get there. And then hearing his voice again last night after all these years… it would have been fine.”

Theron pursed his lips together, feeling that hole in his chest starting to open up again. Here was the person in the rain last night, trying desperately to hide under armored plating and lightsabers. Not wanting to scare her off back under the thin Jedi veneer, he just ran his thumb along one of the elaborate pieces of metalwork on her glove, wishing that he could feel every groove in it directly instead of through the leather of his own gloves.

“You can ask,” she said brokenly, “if you want.”

Of course he wanted to — but this wasn’t about him. Not really. He just wanted to do the right thing here. Whatever that was. 

When he finally looked up, he saw the unshed tears in her eyes, and felt that small, infinitesimal hole in his chest begin to widen into a gaping wound. “Do you want me to ask?”

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I just don’t want to feel this way any more.”

“How do you feel?” he asked instead.

“Lost.” She bit her lip, looking away. “Like I’m back there again, even though I’m here. Like if I sleep too deeply, I won’t wake up as me.”

The nausea Theron had felt earlier after overhearing Scourge and Kira bubbled back up, filling the gaping hole with bile and a white, hot bubbling rage.

“I can’t wake up like that again,” she said so quietly he almost couldn’t hear. “Watching myself from afar, my body not my own. Screaming so loud but still unable to stop my hand. Have you ever been trapped in your own mind?”

“No,” he said hoarsely, trying to push the urge to vomit far back down. “I can’t even imagine… it sounds terrible.”

“I was so naive. I believed that anyone could be redeemed. Even him.”

There was such venom spat out in that single word, it only could have been reserved for something as unnatural as the ancient being that had been awakened the night before.

“I thought that there was always some small speck of light that could be brought out from even the darkest corner. I just had to trust in the Force, and it would guide me as it always does. It guided me… into darkness.” She swallowed, throat bobbing with the motion as she stared out at the shadowed landscape beyond. Almost as if she was expecting Vitiate to materialize from the darkness. “Just following the rules doesn’t work when someone ignores that they ever existed. It can’t protect anyone from that kind of evil.”

Theron thought of the fallen Jedi that she had chased after the six month gap in her file, and the dark ops leading up to that gap. Had they… stormed the Emperor’s Fortress, determined to capture him and bring him back to the light? How the hell did the Council think that would ever work? Capturing a supposedly immortal dark being and just force him to accept everything good and pure? That hot bubbling rage threatened to take him over.

“How old were you?”

“Twenty-two.”

He barely suppressed a curse. Sending a Knight, just barely two years into her career, to face down the almost literal embodiment of the Dark Side was just too much. Even with an entire team of dark ops Jedi. Even if they had sent her with the entire damn Republic army at her back it was too much. It would have been too much to ask even a wise and experienced Jedi Master like Ngani Zho and Orgus Din had been.

“They should never have asked you to do that.”

She blinked at him, surprised. “I volunteered.”

Of course she did. The moment he had brought his suspicions up with her regarding Darok, she had jumped on the chance to help him out. It was like she was incapable of just standing by if something bad was happening and had to try and fix it herself. That wasn’t the trait of a dedicated Jedi — it was the trait of someone with way too much to prove. He would know.

“I was never supposed to have innocent blood on my hands,” she whispered, “my lightsabers were never meant to be used for murder. No matter how much I wanted to stop, my hands wouldn’t listen to me. All I could hear was his laughter, his voice, telling me to give in. That he would make it all go away if I just gave over that last piece to him. Do you know what I did?”

Theron shook his head mutely.

“I hid. In the deepest corner of my mind, I hid. From him. From what he was making me do. I hid from everything. I was a coward.”

Theron wanted to pull her to him, tell her that she wasn’t, but he felt rooted to the spot. Somehow in defeating the demon from his past, they’d awakened hers. Pulling her back into what sounded like a living, waking nightmare. All he could do was squeeze his fingers around hers.

“In the end, I couldn’t even save myself.” Her voice was quiet, defeated. “Master Orgus’s spirit came from the Force and he found me, he was the one who broke the Emperor’s control over me. Everyone acts like I did something heroic and should be celebrated for breaking his control, when it was never even me to begin with.”

Here was the real truth, the real person he’d been seeking out that hid under that mask of the prefect Jedi. In her own way, the brave hero that everyone kept pinning their hopes on was just as broken as him. Struggling to live up to impossible standards and expectations. And just as lost and flawed and alone.

It took Theron a little while to find his voice, and when he spoke, it was rougher than he would have liked. “You still faced him down later, after all that?”

“Someone had to,” she said quietly, “and they all believed that I could. He was going to consume everything, all life. He was going to consume the Force. It was crying out. And even if it had abandoned me, I… couldn’t abandon it. Or everyone else. I couldn’t wait for the end to come without doing something. And no one else thought they could do it.”

“You didn’t either,” he pointed out softly.

She shook her head, like the fact that charging in to the demon’s lair was nothing noteworthy. Not too mention that she had done so after the kind of violation she’d been subjected to, and risked it happening again without any assurance. That would have been nearly impossible for anyone, and Theron had his doubts he would have been able to do it, even with literally the lives of every living thing in the galaxy on the line.

“When I was a child,” she said quietly, “I would pick up sticks in the forest and pretend they were my lightsabers. I only ever dreamed of being a Jedi, ever since my mother told me about her days as a Knight. I just wanted to be like her.”

That hadn’t been in her file. Actually, there hadn’t been much in it other than basic liner notes prior to her arrival on Tython. But she’d had a family once it seemed—and apparently a mother that she loved very much. There was a distant twang of jealousy, but it was swiftly carried away as he saw the wet tracks streaking down her face.

“I think she would be proud,” he said.

“She’s never visited me,” the confession came out broken, “not like Master Orgus. I wonder if… she wished I could have been stronger. More like her. She never had to throw away a bloodstained lightsaber. After Vitiate made me…” Her voice cracked and she had to swallow back the emotion that nearly dragged her under. “After I escaped, all I could see on mine was the blood, no matter how much I cleaned them.”

He knew absolutely nothing about Force ghosts or the woman in question, but from the reverent way Grey spoke of her, she had left quite an impression on her daughter. He wondered if that heavy, duty-filled legacy was one that had ever been truly intended to be passed on. He was far from an expert when it came to maternal figures and their intentions, but something in his gut told him that was probably not the case. 

“Master Satele, I think she knew,” Grey continued, filling in the silence, “when she gave me the new hilts. She told me that a Jedi needed to have faith in the weapons she wielded, faith in the Force. She helped me construct the new blades before I left Tython.”

Theron let his gaze drop, eyes tracing the path he was making as he marked each divot and design in the gauntlets on her gloves. For everything he still held against his mother, apparently he still had a few things to learn about her. Satele had reached out to a scared, vulnerable Knight, and helped her find confidence again instead of delivering any sort of platitude or lecture. He thought back to their argument earlier that day, trying to fit this new piece of the puzzle into his previous assumptions. It didn’t quite match up, like the sharp edges of his preconceptions needed to be shaved down.

“I made a vow that I would never let these be turned to serve darkness. I couldn’t let something of Master Satele’s become tainted like I had let mine.” Grey’s free hand traced some of the patterns in the hilts clipped to her belt. “I let her keep my old ones. She promised she’d make sure they were never used like that again.”

“I didn’t know about that, earlier,” he said, struggling to swallow past that ever present lump. “I would never have even mentioned it…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” She finally looked up from her lightsabers, pulling his gaze up from the patterns he was tracing as well. “You’ve done me no harm.”

Seeing her trying to console him, with the wet tracks still glistening on her cheeks was too much for him to take. Heedless of whoever might be able to see, he reached out and grabbed her, crushing her against his chest as if that could somehow fix anything. Her arms stilled for a moment as if this was something that hadn’t ever occurred before and she had no idea what to do, before suddenly curling around him, fingers digging deep trenches into the leather of his jacket like drowning victim clutching to a lifeline.

“Master Orgus said he couldn’t come back anymore.” Her face was buried in his jacket, voice muffled by the leather. “He was the only thing that brought me back last time. I… I can’t be trapped like that again. I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” Theron murmured, tightening his arms around her small shivering frame. “He’s left. He’s not here.”

“No one’s saying anything, but they’re all terrified. Even Scourge. I didn’t finish the job last time, and now he’s back.” The shivering intensified to an actual tremble, and it felt like someone was shoving a vibroblade right through Theron’s chest. “I have to kill him, but he’s already dead. But he’s not alive either.”

 The enormity of the task that had been assigned to her, by fate, or the Force, or whatever seemed to loom just off into the shadows of the night. The blame for Vitiate’s return at this moment in time, if not the assault and chaos on the Republic all the way three hundred years ago, lay squarely at Revan’s feet. It was the baggage of Theron’s own family, not hers. In a way, the responsibility for all of this should have laid at his feet. Perhaps if fate had twisted differently—if their places had been switched and he’d been born with all the powers of the Force that she wielded—it would have. Would he have been able to break away like her, or would he have wound up as twisted and broken as the rest of the members of her strike team?

Because Revan, for all his power and gifts in the Force, had cracked under the constant torture he’d been subjected to over the course of three hundred years. His psyche torn in two; one half twisted into something dark, monstrous, and almost unrecognizable from the Jedi he’d once been. Someone willing to commit mass genocide. Willing to upend everything if it meant he could get revenge against the one who had taken everything from him. Even Revan’s attempts to connect with what remained of his family had been tainted into something sick and twisted.

Theron couldn’t help but wonder if those same weaknesses ran through his blood in the way that the Force never had. It probably would never not sting, not grate on him a little when the Force peeked its head around to meddle in his life after the way it had abandoned him when he was young — but as he looked at the connections he shared with Grey, it was hard to completely deny that maybe it had somehow set something in motion.

Maybe they were both just meant to finish what Revan had started nearly three hundred years ago. Or maybe it was even more than that.

He had no idea how he was supposed to deal with any of this, Force-blind Jedi washout that he was. The task that lay before her was beyond his capabilities, but if they failed at stopping Vitiate, nothing would ultimately matter anyway. Even if Theron hadn’t been assigned as the task force’s liaison for the SIS, he would have busted down Marcus Trant’s door and camped out in his office until he’d gotten it. Whatever had happened prior to now was out of his hands, he couldn’t change any of their yesterdays, no matter how much he wanted to at the moment. But tomorrow wasn’t set yet, and he could still do something about that.

She had answered every one of his calls, even when he made her go through ridiculous lengths to find out it was him. The woman had stormed an entire fortress just for him. She was more than just his partner on this one job, she was his friend. Possibly the best one he had ever had. Maybe if he was really careful, did enough research, and did his job well enough, she’d never have to hear the voice of her tormentor ever again.

“What if I fall?” she asked brokenly, clinging to him tightly as they teetered on the edge of the platform with nothing but the inky night below.

“You won’t.” He tightened his grip around her quaking shoulders, as if he could shield her from the night. “You’re not going to fall.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I’m going to catch you.” He pressed a kiss onto the top of her head, before glaring off into the night as if in challenge to the darkness just beyond them.

[arnulfo02k0173-blog]

Ending The Cyclical Ketogenic Diet - Is It Necessary?

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[flower-of-the-desert]

So I just finished s01 of Shadowhunters and I have some thinky thoughts about it. I’m putting it under the cut because it’s not all positive (well, most of it isnt really) and if you are a die-hard malec shipper, you should probably skip this.

Overall, I think my opinion so far can be summed up as this show has a lot of potential to be really good and interesting and nobody seems to want to do anything about it. I mean the set up is great - demons threatening the world? Awesome. A secret society of warriors whose purpose is to protect the world? Nice. Magic? Warlocks? AU worlds? Perfect. Class issues between the races? Homophobia? Relevant and important concepts to tackle. So in theory everything is great. But in practice? Not so much.

I think the two main issues this season has are 1) thngs happening way too fast and not enough time and focus given to certain topics and characters in order to understand their motivations and the worldbuilding of this universe and 2) the problem with show, dont tell - that is to say we keep being told things but almost never shown anything to actually back up these claims.

Now I know there are time limits and you cant fit everything into a single episode or even a single season and you shouldnt have to. I’m not saying they should have crammed everything into 13 episodes. That is not the issue. The problem is that when topics that should be given due focus and time within the specific episode arent, things get confusing. For example, why did Alec decide to marry Lydia? We find out in the next episode that he’s decided to restore the family honor on his own terms after finding out about his parents’ past. Which is great. We have Alec’s motivation. But in the episode itself where he proposed everything was set up for him to follow his heart. That was the theme of the episode and Alec through the entire thing kept agreeing with Magnus and whoever else was telling him to do what he wants. Only for him to turn around simingly out of nowhere in the literal last minute of the episode and decide to get married. Dont get me wrong, I dont have a problem with him NOT choosing to follow his heart given the situation but there wasnt enough focus on his struggle between the two during the episode in order to make his last-minute turn seem less weird. And that doesnt even cover Lydia’s side of thngs. Why did she decide to get married to a literal stranger after meeting him like yesterday? And this is not an exxageration - Alec proposes literally 2 or 3 days max after Lydia shows up. Is she that desperate to run an institute? Wouldnt she be allowed to have the position if she’s not married? Why does it even matter - doesnt it make more sense to give her the position based on her skills and results on the job? We dont know. But these are the sort of worldbuilding questions you might want to answer.

This is just one example of how things are going way too fast and there’s not enough time given to explain the characters and universe properly. There are more but if I keep going, we’ll be here tomorrow too. I’m not even gonna bother to cover all the scenes that just flat out do not make sense cause then we’ll never leave.

The other thing bothers me even more - there are sooo many things we are TOLD but never really SHOWN - Alec has been in love with Jace for I dont know how many years, Alec is repressed, the SH society is homophobic (admittedly we are not told this in canon, I dont believe? but that is at least the implication made), Magnus is in love with Alec and Alec feels the same, Magnus is a centuries-old warlock, one of the most powerful people in the world, Ragnor is even more powerful, etc etc. But. Where is the evidence? If Alec has spent so long being in love with Jace and repressed, wouldnt it have been more difficult for Magnus to get him to agree to a date than one half-assed phone call? Wouldnt Alec be struggling even more with accepting that Magnus is interested and panicking about what to do, denying everything with all his might? Shouldnt there be more struggle here?

So far I havent seen any signs of anyone in the Institute being homophobic. Maybe that changes in s02 but so far? Nope. Even Alec’s parents whom fandom for some reason has decided to demonize as some kind of terrible scumbags are not homophobic and actually hella decent people all things considered. Lydia is not homophobic. The goddamn Silent Brother seemed more interested in the kissing scene than anything else.

Warlocks are supposed to be hella powerful yet Magnus needed Alec’s help to fight off ONE circle member and Ragnor got killed by a TINY demon thingy that even Clary can handle. We were told Magnus cares so much about that necklace he’d risk his life to get it back yet 5mins later just casually gives it away to Izzy and doesnt mention it again. 

Clary and co LOVE to make these passionate speeches about how they’re the new generation of shadowhunters who respect the downworlders and believe everyone is their equal and the Clave is wrong - yet the moment a downworlder refuses to help them, they have no problem blackmailing, focing, lying and going behind their back to get what they want. And this is admittedly not a bad thing to show that these people despite their good intentions cant just change over night, if the narrative at least acknowledged their hypocrisy as a sign they need to grow some more but it doesnt.

Again, I an keep going but I wont. And finally there’s Malec. By all accounts I think this is the thng that disaapointed me the most. It could have been so awesome if developed properly! Like again we have a great set up - two people from opposite sides of the war, leaders to their respective groups, meeting and falling in love against all odds - it’s basically every enemies to friends to lovers fic ever and it’s AWESOME. Except not really because the way they play it in canon is just what even? So they meet and Magnus is obviously sexually attracted to Alec and wants to pursue that. Cool. Alec is... feeling whatever it is he’s feeling, I honestly cant even tell if he was interested from the start or just happy someone was paying attention to him. I suppose that stuttering scene when Magnus introduces himself is supposed to show he’s interested. Or something. Then Magnus calls to ask him on a date which yay, makes sense with how eager he was when they met. And then Alec agrees. And this is where things start going wonky for me.  Why does he agree so easily? Isnt he supposed to be in love with Jace? Isnt he supposed to be terrified of anyone finding out he’s gay? Next scene after they heal Luke, Magnus goes you’ve unlocked something in me and I go was it your dick? Because this line for all its romantic vibe and whatnot in the context we’ve been presented so far makes no sense. Because now the show wants me to believe that Magnus fell in love at first sight. Except this is not how they played it - what I saw was Magnus being really fricking horny. I did not see any grand revelations of omg, I just fell in love for the first time in over a century with this hot piece of shadowhunting ass I just met. Now I’m supposed to believe Malec has had enough development and enough scenes together to warrant such a strong emotional reaction from Magnus two episode after meeting Alec and after like 2? 3? scenes interacting with him. Insert the sure jan gif here.

Fast forward to the wedding - awesome scene really. Kiss and all (such a hot kiss and I ask why arent they kissing like that in s02 instead of these we’ve been married for 50years and cant wait for one of us to die already pecks?). But again, it only works if you ignore the context and take it as a stand alone scene. Because otherwise the emotional depth that it’s supposed to have? Goes out the window to stand besides all the emotional and mental development that was needed between them in order to make the scene really work and resonate on a deep level. And dont even get me started on how wrong Magnus acted at the beginning of the episode.

I can buy - at a push, a big big BIG push - that Magnus fell in love from the start but I absolutely do not believe Alec did as well. Honestly, I dont believe he loves Magnus even now in s02 (I havent watched it yet but I have enough context about some of their key scenes to say this, there is no way I man in love would tell his boyfriend not to take a treath to his life PERSONALLY, amongst other things). And that is just sad. Because this could have been a great love story, all the fire and passion and fireworkd like we keep getting told there is but what we see is something different.

[comicteaparty]

April 11th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on April 11th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on Kitty Kitty Bang Bang by Moe.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Kitty Kitty Bang Bang by Moe~! (https://tapas.io/series/kkbbcomic)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

Superjustinbros

Hello!

RebelVampire

hey super~!

Superjustinbros

Coming in and I'd like to give a big shoutout to that header image on the comic's Tapas(edited)

I dunno, I thought it looked badass

RebelVampire

it is a nice header image. although what sells it for me is the logo design. its a really nice logo.

for favorite scene, hmm. ya know, i cant not pick it. the convention scene. that scene legit almost made me cry at how touching it is both with its message about how anyone can cosplay whatever they want regardless of how they look. not to mention the themes of reaching out to others. all wrapped in a nice package of no dialogue so that its the emotions at the center forefront.

Superjustinbros

Yeah.

Also this guy's hair.

RebelVampire

i like his hair and his smile combination. like both scream cocky little shit design wise and i love it cause he kind of is a cocky little shit. XD

Superjustinbros

Oh yes XD

Cocky little shits are my favorite

RebelVampire

another scene i want to show some appreciation too is the scene where we first meet kit's mom. like, i knew it was coming from the chapter title. but i enjoyed the twist it was her step-mom and theres a deeper issue going on. it turned what was easy to guess to something surprising again just by how the story plays out the reveal

Superjustinbros

https://tapas.io/episode/1370747 This is a pretty good page.

Hm, Doug McClure sounds a awful lot like this chap. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUg6e072vgA

RebelVampire

anything in particular you like about it super?

Superjustinbros

The last two panels.

And the followup

https://tapas.io/episode/1371714

dat backside

RebelVampire

i really love the back shot composition. like what a great way to show overwhelming odds

mathtans

Evening. Made it as far as the start of the Bully arc, so late 2018.

Superjustinbros

Yeah. Also ello

I love also how Doug's got like, a million pouches on his belt

I dunno it's a detial I like

mathtans

Yeah, the convention stuff was good. Some of those real-life scenarios that made you want to shake people are good when done right.

Superjustinbros

Yes

mathtans

I'm not sure if I have a big favourite moment, but I have some little ones. Like when that "pinball wizard" thing played as Kit was taking on that nozzle in the gaming store, and it turned out it was the coworker.

The guy at the school in the knight suit, who had the fascination with corndogs. Weird background detail, added some humour to an otherwise tense scene.

RebelVampire

i love the corndog knight

i want a spin-off comic of just them

cause i want to know about them

why are they a knight

why corndogs

so many questions

mathtans

Heh. Made me think of that other bounty hunter, pointy-ears, who also couldn't speak.

Also, did not expect the female reveal there.

And I liked how the scientist flipped out over his research having the higher bounty than himself. Like, that trumped everything else he was in the process of dealing with and he went on a rampage. Amusing.

RebelVampire

yeah the scientists in general was fairly hilarious in everything he tried to prioritize. although i enjoyed that at the end of the mission the crystal wound of broken anyway. cause i felt it was fitting given everything it had been through

mathtans

I thought it was really clever how the rock was used to blind the scientist. Kitty is this weird mix of hyper competent (like when she used the snack habits of that one guy to track him down) and absent-minded (like when she then didn't make a grab for the compound).

I'm not saying that's unrealistic or anything, I can totally see it.

Very "living in the moment" with a dash of forward thinking.

RebelVampire

nah i agree shes a really interesting character. like at first i wasnt sure id like her but some of her plans have been pretty spot. and to be fair a lot of the absent-minded ness you could write off as it her being a kid. so of course shes expected to be a kid and not always think through with her actions.

a more comedic moment i liked was at the end of Mor where Kit and Mary both have to stand there awkwardly making their false apologies to the whole school. this page especially cracks me up just cause of the sheer height diff between the two. i think that makes it extra hilarious https://tapas.io/episode/1215017

mathtans

It's true. And I'm still wrapping my head around the kid thing.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. One of the comic’s focuses and highlights are the action sequences found within. Of the characters Kit has pursued so far in her bounties, which has been your favorite? Why is that? Likewise, which bounty did you think had the best fight choreography? What do you specifically think makes the choreography the best one? Do you think we’ll see any of the criminal characters again? If so, what could that mean for Kit? Considering many of the villains parody stereotypes and similar things, what other sorts of characters do you think or hope we might see? Lastly, do you believe Kit will encounter more of her professional rivals? If so, what do you think will happen?

its okay i had my struggles wrapping my head around but the convention scene really cemented it for me for some reason. but that might just be personal association of conventions being largely for the youth.

mathtans

Incidentally, I wondered initially about the use of "der"... and then when Kitty used the term "Hoser" I thought she was Canadian. That proved incorrect, what with the Norwegian thing.

Ahh... yeah, I went to a certain convention for 20 years straight soooo...

Like, I want to ship, but it feels wrong. Normally if they're young I just think of it as cute, or picture them as older, and neither of those things kinda work here.

I wonder how big Kitty's gonna get when she's 20.

RebelVampire

i didnt start going to conventions till i was an adult but at the same time my experiences is that theyre largely dominated by the youth. not to say there arent older adults there. but the youth are the ones always around drawing attention to themselves being loud. but i digress, just wanted to give context for why it worked for me

mathtans

That's fair.

RebelVampire

tbh i just assumed she was full grown. cause i was actually only an inch or two shorter than my full height at 13 cause i sprouted up early

mathtans

As to the question of the moment, I admit I'm not huge on seeing action and choreography, tending to be bigger on characters anyway. Which is probably why that scientist one sticks out so much, since we got his whole backstory and everything.

I am gonna be in for such a shock when my little one grows up, aren't I.

That short gangster guy who stole the boat might return. It was implied.

RebelVampire

and i legit cant imagine kit taller cause she literally towers over everyone. although is she still shorter than her dad? cause if she is, shell probably be his height.

mathtans

I think she is. I'm equally bad at noticing that sort of thing.

RebelVampire

id have to look again just cause it wasnt something i was looking for and her dad was only in so many scenes XD

im torn on my answer to this question of the moment. i think i agree i like the scientist the best cause he got a lot of backstory. not to mention when kit was doing their dialogue for them from the roof i was like "nah shes gotta be exaggerating" then we meet the scientist and nope, he really is just that arrogant and she was spot on. so overally he was definitely the most entertaining

but for fight choreography, im picking the first bounty with the spin off kool aid man. i really enjoyed the use of the environment and just the sheer level of destruction that was visited upon that grocery store

mathtans

She knows her business. I wonder how long she's been at it.

Oh yeah, almost forgot about that one. I liked when Kitty roped the random customer.

RebelVampire

i liked when after the fight ended, the old lady asked if the employee who was buried under rubble basically could get her a new box

MoeAlmighty

And that was most difficult one to come up with

mathtans

The one with the orcs going after cows was also good, not for the fight (which I think was offscreen) but world building. Until then it was sort of, like, what's reality here anyway.

Oh, hello creator.

MoeAlmighty

Hello there all ^^\

mathtans

Rebel: That was a good scene for setting the tone.

Superjustinbros

Hello Moe!

MoeAlmighty

Thank you. It's always a challenge to come up with a beginning for a series.

Superjustinbros

Thanks for this cool comic of yours.

MoeAlmighty

Howdey

Thanks

Superjustinbros

No probs

And yeah all this talk about conventions is reminding me of all the ones I've been going to lately. Comic focused ones and hugely commercial conventions are easily the most populated-by-youth ones.

mathtans

"Annie" con was a clever name.

MoeAlmighty

It was a little play on words. I always like to make those little puns when I can(edited)

RebelVampire

i did enjoy the orcs with the cows. probably just cause of the extreme accent going on in that dialogue. but i also just love this concept that someone would think clearly humans are only good cause they drink milk. like someone really watched those got milk commercials too much.

mathtans

I very much approve of puns. Also Senshi Kitty.

The head orc was milking his time in the spotlight.

Superjustinbros

Puns are always good

RebelVampire

i do agree with you math that i got the impression well see the gangster who got away from the scientist again at some point. what it means for kit? i could see her being extra determined to catch him since he got away last time. but then maybe thats when well see buff elf chick again who is out for revenge.

MoeAlmighty

Defintely. Orcs have always been my favorite fantasy race to play around with

mathtans

biab

RebelVampire

i do appreciate orcs getting some love in a way cause in my experience theyre really underutilized in a lot of fantasy settings. can find elves everywhere, but nobody wants the orcs.

MoeAlmighty

Well nothing is off the table.^^

Orcs have always been treated as the bad guy or the henchman merely due to their monsterous appearence.

RebelVampire

speaking of not elves, i really like that this guy turned out to be the real villain from bully bully https://tapas.io/episode/1348464. partly cause it was a good twist that it was a bully victim becoming the bully. since that is very true to life. but also, selfishly, i noticed this character immediately in the background one time and i was like "ah man what an interesting looking side chara too bad well never learn about him" and then we learned about him.

QUESTION 3. Even in Kit’s dynamic world, she still has some unique mysteries surrounding her. Why do you think Kit is the only female in her family to receive Freyja’s blessing/curse, especially after it’s been so long it’s almost a myth? What do you think the story is behind Kit’s rage modes that seem to take over when she gets mad? What do you think happened to Kit’s mother, and why is Kit so sensitive about the subject of her mother in general? Additionally, why did Mary calling her mother a whore set her off in particular? Lastly, how do you think Kit got involved with being a Bounty Killer? Why do you think her family lets her pursue the career given how dangerous it all is?

MoeAlmighty

Oh yeah the Goblin. I thought it was a perfect opprotunity to not just introduce the Goblins , but I was also playing around with laying out clues in plain site for the reader to notice.

Superjustinbros

That's smart thinking/writing

MoeAlmighty

There are plans for future stories that are straight up mysteries Kit will have to sovle.

RebelVampire

that sounds exciting and like a good challenge for her character too.

in regards to the current question, i want to dissect the fact that kit's specific phrasing about her mother was that mary hadnt even cared who her mother was as a person. and to a degree, i kind of feel like it was projecting that set her off. that kit herself didnt know a whole lot about her mother. so it might not be so much that her mom was called a whore that did it, but that someone would make a bold claim about her mother when kit herself didnt even know her that well and has since lost the chance to get ot know her. but thats just me theorizing.

mathtans

Back, little one's asleep in the crib again. For now.

MoeAlmighty

Mm hm, It would show that Bounty Killers in the world aren't used for just nabbing a bad guy with a hefty sum on their head. Sometimes folks need someone to investigate with the police's involvement and not ask any questions

mathtans

Was Kitty maybe given up for adoption? (Is that what makes her worthy of the cat ears?)

The police were handy against the scientist too, for a little while.

Superjustinbros

That's a good way of expanding upon bounty hunters.

RebelVampire

i dont think given up for adoption fits cause mor said shes the step mom which implies kit's father is her biological dad. that and there is one pic where the dad is with the mom

mathtans

Oh, right. We did see her biological mom in that holiday special though, didn't we? And Kitty must remember enough to have taken up violin playing (on the roof). So... yeah I dunno.

RebelVampire

thats interesting to know that the bounties arent just for nabbing bad guys. although makes me wonder what kit is going to do when shes told to do something shady and just not ask questions

mathtans

Or was that not the biological mom, was that a younger Dar?

I can't see Kit not asking questions.

RebelVampire

that was her step-mom. her bio mom we only see briefly in a pic

https://tapas.io/episode/1279607

mathtans

I wasn't sure if it was her dad remembering another time in that scene though. Like, the previous stuff was a memory.

(I also don't get enough sleep these days.)

RebelVampire

i could see how youd get that interpretation but pretty sure it was the step-mom and the bio mom was just in the picture

MoeAlmighty

There are a lot of things I don't want to say because of spoilers and I'll be answering those kind of questions down the road. But to answer the question pretaining to Mary, they do indeed have some History as hinted.

mathtans

Mary is actually the younger cousin of the short boat-stealing gangster.

It's why her dad went into law.

MoeAlmighty

heh. that is a pretty interesting theory.

mathtans

(I need to have at least one insane theory and one ship per comic chat. I think it's in my contract.)

RebelVampire

puns are also in your contract math. although you already fulfilled that one.

mary's dad kind of spooks me. like hes a really domineering presence and idk if i want to believe hes good or bad.

MoeAlmighty

Truth is, when I created Mary, she was developed as just the rich girl who presented herself as Ms. Perfect while also having the spoiled brat persona as well

Superjustinbros

lol

mathtans

Oh right. Well, those come naturally. I wonder if her dad is part orc.

Superjustinbros

That's one of many ways to describe that

MoeAlmighty

Best way to describe him is that he's a Lawyer... a very wealthy lawyer.

Oh no, he's part Dutch lol

mathtans

Incidentally, I kind of like that Kit's got both cat ears and human ears, it tends to be how I draw my characters too (even if mine are just headbands). But it does make me wonder how the curse might have rewired her brain to deal with the extra input.

Oooh, a flying dutch man.

RebelVampire

all the dads just drink lots of milk

Superjustinbros

What about Doug.

RebelVampire

to be fair if kit's cat ears are more sensitive than her human ones the extra input probably doesnt matter cause one would hear it better than the other anyway. at worst i imagine things just sound even louder XD

mathtans

It's that special beer.

Maybe it's partly why Kat's so on edge at times.

Superjustinbros

mm, beer

Wait, what kind of beer we talkin

MoeAlmighty

It's kind of a mix bag with it comes to her ears. Internally they do connect to her regular ears and she can hear through them, but only if she concentrates. Mostly they just act like a short range radar or a sixth sense. Something like spidey's spider sense.

Ah yes, I've notice some folks like our esteem adventurer. Others not so much

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Besides the action, there is still a lot of slice-of-life material to be had in the comic as well. Do you think Kit will eventually tell Bia about her career? How do you think Bia will react to finding out about it? What challenges do you foresee awaiting Bia and Kit as their relationship continues to develop and secrets reveal themselves? Further, how do you see Kit balancing her school life in general with her job? Will she manage to maintain her grades and everything, or will things prove tougher than she expects? In terms of Kit’s regular life, what things are you hoping to see be explored in how she lives her day-to-day life? Lastly, are there any themes (like bullying) that caught your eye from the slice-of-life segments? What about them did you enjoy?

mathtans

It's cool that youv'e thought about that.

Honestly, the bounty-hunters clashing, while not necessarily slice-of-life, felt realistic and added depth to the idea of the job. Also revealed how their methods are non-lethal. And was the first ship I considered.

MoeAlmighty

Ah yes, I had a lot of folks doing a double take when I revealed her age.

RebelVampire

unrelated to the current question, i really hope we get to see more bounty killers in the story just cause they cant all work out as well as buff elf chick. also id really like to get a feel for the age range cause its concerning the gov was like "nah a 13 year old bounty killer? thats fine"

mathtans

That's a good point. Did she register under an assumed name?

Superjustinbros

Seconding Rebel.

MoeAlmighty

Well due to Kit's size, she may or may not of lied about her age when she took the job

mathtans

Also, I feel like the construction job field gets a lot of work in this universe. We only see Kitty's exploits but there have to be other incidents in the world as well.

Actually, magicians too must be a thing. And mimes.

Did not expect the mimes.

MoeAlmighty

Their are plans to explore other parts of world. One in particular is the Bounty Pick Up units sent to pick up the bounties and make out the reports.

Yes, beware the mimes ^^

I will be exploring a lot more of the Magis and how the magic works as well.

mathtans

Silent but deadly.

MoeAlmighty

very

mathtans

That short magic comic did a good job, I thought.

And I liked the money van guy critiquing the pun.

MoeAlmighty

Hm Hm, well not everything can be a homerun for our little cat girl

RebelVampire

yeah i really liked the short magic comic. cause it was funny and really did some good world-building

i also loved the cowboy bank robber

just cause he was a cowboy

and that was ridiculous

mathtans

Oh yeah, forgot about him.

I wonder how Kitty practices her quick draws.

Where do they lock these guys up, anyway? Regular jails seem like they wouldn't be sufficient.

MoeAlmighty

Yes, you don't see that many cowboys these days. But it was a perfect nod for one of the inspirations of the comic

Superjustinbros

Cowboys are fun.

MoeAlmighty

Um, they go to regular prison and go through the same process as the law provides^^

Superjustinbros

Always love one with an appealing design when one shows up.

MoeAlmighty

Very much so

RebelVampire

what sort of lawyer is mary's dad?

mathtans

How do you lock up an orc so that he doesn't just bend the bars?

MoeAlmighty

He's a defense lawyer

mathtans

He lawyers der fence.

RebelVampire

ah so i can say maybe mary's dad defends all these criminals kit tries to send to jail.

MoeAlmighty

Booooo

It's a possibility and her dad is very much against the Bounty Killer and the Bounty Board in general

Superjustinbros

ooh, is that so(edited)

mathtans

Circling back to Bia, it'd be amusing if someone in her family was also a bounty hunter. Kitty admits it and she's like, "oh, okay, I can see how you'd be good at that too".

RebelVampire

just to talk a bit about the current question, i do feel its inevitable kit has to tell bia about her job. cause i mean...kit isnt the most undestructive. just takes one time of showing up burnt to a crisp to school to give it away. but i think bia is gonna take it better than kit thinks shell take it. cause tbf, if i was bia i would not be surprised.

tbf i kind of agree with mary's dad. they might be catching criminals, but holy shit that property damage

mathtans

I feel like Bia might find out not through Kit though. Like maybe even via Kit's brother. Which could strain the relationship.(edited)

RebelVampire

especially the property damage caused by the scientist

cause even if they have the money to fix it, it still takes time

mathtans

Or magic.

MoeAlmighty

Bia finding out Kit is a Bounty Killer is inevitable, and it might happen happen sooner than you think

RebelVampire

it could strain their relationship too. though for some reason i feel for bia itd be more about the age thing than the danger thing if that makes sense. cause the career suits kit. just maybe not when kit is still 13, in school, and all that

mathtans

'Cept her dad is okay with it.

I feel like I'd totally be that dad by the way. Who makes concessions. Then ends up in trouble with mom too.

MoeAlmighty

It is going to a very unique exploring the relationship Kit and Bia have. In many ways, Bia will act more like the straight man of the relationship

Well Edward looks at it more like she's hunting game. expect the part of gutting it and cleaning it for food^^

RebelVampire

i just want to say i really love kit's dad and i hope we get to see him more. he seems just so utterly likeable. like a gentle giant

mathtans

Just want to give a shout-out to the school nun badass. Possibly like the opposite to dad.

MoeAlmighty

He is indeed^^

Superjustinbros

Since the CTP is wrapping up in a bit, I'd like to wish @MoeAlmighty the best of luck with Kitty Kitty Bang Bang, it's got a great artstyle, story, and some good humor.

mathtans

Oh right, pretty good stuff done with only black and white too.

MoeAlmighty

Yes, Beatrice is indeed a beast^^

Thank you so much^^

Superjustinbros

You're welcome! ^^

RebelVampire

yeah i loved the nun. especially her epic entrance and this page https://tapas.io/episode/1188530

like everything about that page is perfect

"Keeper of the Lunch Period"

MoeAlmighty

God help the guilty

mathtans

Indeed.

Probably a bumper sticker on her car.

MoeAlmighty

I'm sure everyone here remembers that one teacher that kept everyone in check at lunch period

best bumper sticker ever

mathtans

Kitty has some nice exclamations too.

Superjustinbros

lol

Anyways, cya till next time, and thanks for dropping by @MoeAlmighty

^^

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Moe, as well, for making Kitty Kitty Bang Bang. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Moe’s efforts however you’re able to~!

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[chatnoirismycinnamonroll]

It hurts to admit it, but I also wanted to see her remove the picture. I wanted to see her gently remove it, making accidently tearing off a corner of it, but replace it with a smaller one, a more casual one, of Adrien with his friends.

That way, we can see that the big part he has in her life diminishes to something they are both comfortable with. Adrien sees her as only a friend. Okay, then. Let her accept that. She wont lose her feelings for him, but she is accepting that he doesnt see her in that way. She will try to move on.

Whether that leads her to Luka or Chat Noir, who knows. But let her move on. It's only natural. So far, we have seen that Adrien isnt too sure whether Marinette even sees him AS A FRIEND first, and Marinette knows Adrien only sees her as such, even when she wants more. Their views of each other dont even align. They're not on the same page.

Now, Ladybug knows that Chat Noir loves her, and wont hesitate to tell her. And she admires that because she wishes she could do the same with the person she loves. She knows where Chat Noir stands, but because of her own feelings for Adrien, she cant exactly reciprocate.

But, she does have possible growing feelings for Chat. She asks him why he tells her those things during battle, and how he can say them so easily, and he responds. And she understands. She even gets an almost shy, fond, and flattered look on her face afterwards.

Now that she knows Adrien doesnt see her that way, she could have taken this chance to move on and explore other relationships. She knows Luka likes her. She knows Chat likes her, as Ladybug. She is his friend as Marinette too. She could move on from pursuing a relationship with someone she knows doesnt feel the same way.

But THE PEOPLE AROUND HER DONT LET HER! Alya is taking any chance to try to progress that relationship, and, as seen in Frozer, refuses to even accept the thought that Marinette wants to move on. Tikki, also, wont let her move on, and doesnt give her a valid explanation as to why because that would mean outing Adrien as Chat Noir.

And, really, that's probably the only reason she keeps telling Marinette, when Chat keeps giving Ladybug attention, to give Chat a chance. But she also encourages her to pursue Adrien. Yes, they're the same person, but to Marinette, who doesnt know this, it must be very confusing!

I just want Tikki to let Marinette figure her feelings out in a healthy way, and if she wants to give up on Adrien, for now, then Tikki should let her. And, really, we know she isnt giving up on him. She is just accepting his choices and feelings, as a good person should. She has fought for him, and failed. She has confirmation, from his own mouth, that there is somebody else. She, at this point, and without the knowledge of who he actually is, has no reason to believe she has a chance. So, naturally, she wants to accept things and move on. It doesnt mean she will stop being his friend. It doesnt mean she will hate him. It just means that she is being a normal teenage girl, letting go of her crush to possibly reinforce a friendship and find another guy that she knows likes her back.

But for Tikki to keep pushing, telling her, "You might actually be surprised." And stopping her from moving on from Adrien for what is possibly the third time in the past 2 seasons, well, it just hurts. It's not comforting. It's not reassuring. It's hurtful to the audience, and it's frustrating. Because we know that Adrienette is endgame, but the way that they are portraying it so far is complete unnecessary torture for us and Marinette.

Let her let go of her crush. Let her prioritize her friendship with Adrien first so that the boy can start to see a possible relationship with her. I mean, come on, the boy isnt even sure Marinette tolerates him as a friend. How in the fuck are they giving her hope for a possible relationship to happen after this fuckup of an episode?

Puppeteer 2

From Puppeteer 2, I have come to the conclusion that Adrien doesn’t even have a smidge of romantic feelings for Marinette (not saying he is obligated to return her affections, but like, it’s already season 3 and there’s not even a hint of him developing a bit of romantic feelings towards Marinette. Sure he is fond of her as a friend but his feelings for Marinette just seems to stop there.) 

When Marinette gave a brief kiss to him, he immediately backs away, but there’s no hint that he was affected by it other than surprise/shock. 

(Boy, you went too far with your prank! You should have aborted when she started monologuing! 😫)

It feels a bit unfair since in season 2, there are hints that Marinette does like Chat Noir like in Glaciator.

Ladybug turns down Chat Noir, but she’s still affected by the cheek kiss that he gave. A kiss that happened not because there was an akuma but just because of honest talking. (Not fully honest though because of secret identity and stuff.)

While Adrien has received a verbal rejection, Marinette keeps receiving indirect rejections, from hearing ‘she’s just a friend’, getting asked for advice when Adrien was temporarily switching targets to Kagami and now hearing that ‘the girl I love always tell me that’.

Adrien is fiercely loyal to Ladybug and while Marinette is also fiercely loyal to Adrien, she’s also realistic about it, having wanting to move on from Adrien a couple of times, only for that to stop by either her friends, Luka or Tikki’s sly look at the end of Puppeteer 2.

I wanted to see her take off Adrien’s posters right then and there because it felt like it would be a turning point for Marinette.

Damn you Tikki for giving her hope in a roundabout way! Let her make her own decisions without insinuating with that cheerful tone of yours!

At this point, I just want Marinette to confess, get her answer and get some closure so she could move on. It hurts seeing her get hurt. 😭😭😭

[boneslaw]

Prologue

Rendezvous was exactly where you'd expect for this sort of thing. The right atmosphere on the wrong side of town.

We decided to meet at the local pub. Local to me- I'd been doing oddjobs a while. Slick white scars lining my hands, and charcoal under my nails- I made myself a staple in town, saving up for this endeavor. It’d been a long few months but the wait was supposed to be worth it. He'd be breezing through on his way north, in town for one night only. That was his story, anyways. I hoped he'd find the bar alright. The tavern's sign post was stolen ages ago, repeatedly. No one needed it. Those who came through here were creatures of habit. This was a pub that patched itself up with the same lumber its kegs came in. The sickly sweet smell it radiated suggested spilled whiskey kept it together, while the whole thing was wedged in line with the other decrepit, seedier establishments. A hole in the wall in the literal sense, you could worm your way in the broken boards of the neighboring brothel. I used the front door. Lowlights inside distorted the barflies' faces like masks. Smiles turned ominous and anything else went dour. My target was easy to spot among the regulars. Tucked in a corner, he sported a flower in his hat. That was the signal I was told to look for. "Halstead?" I asked, low, just audible over the raucous laughter. The hunched figure ahead lifted two fingers, coincidentally confirming the two things I needed from him: 1. This was the man I wanted. 2. He was in no hurry to advertise it. The two of us had been exchanging letters for some time. This was our first visit in person, and I couldn't say this was the face I'd put to him. His elegant script wasn't indicative of a man who hadn't shaved at least a week. His posture was too poor for the pristine stationary, and his clothes too disheveled for the wit he concluded each message. The petals on his rim glowed in the dark; he must have picked it fresh this morning. It was the only visible evidence he'd seen sunlight in weeks. I offered my hand to introduce myself properly. "Mulligan." He shook it, smiling wide. "Mulligan! A pleasure to meet you in the flesh." "Pleasure's mine. Did you get in well?" "Fairly enough. Nice city, you have." Sarcasm. He's over here because he was inevitably bullied away from the bar at the first syllable of that fancy accent of his. "I can't imagine why you're in a hurry to leave." "We all have our reasons." "I'm sure you do. And Private Ruiz, too?" The butt of my cigar burned bright, an unfortunate giveaway against my otherwise immaculate poise. "I forgot I had given you my nickname." "You didn't." "You're right, I didn't." I took a seat. In the same, harsh exhale that obscured my face I mapped my exits. When the smoke lifted, I found him taking a long draw from his drink, waiting for other shoe to drop. "What do you want?" "Nothing." He gibed. I remained impassive as he reveled in the advantage he'd given himself. I couldn't decipher what it meant yet, and his answer clarified little. "Just to make sure my legacy didn't go toward nefarious means." "Legacy?" His head canted, "Are you saying you didn't look into me at all?" "I did not." Nor did I appreciate the condescension. Those in the business of selling their identities didn't usually have a 'legacy.' Or fame, or anything I usually wanted further insight into. Only ghosts. I left mine scattered across the states. Everywhere from a hole 200 feet in the Earth to the shores of Morehead, but if I've learned anything, it's that they are confined to their haunting grounds. They hitch a ride in your psyche only if you let them. I didn't- but I was there for those who couldn't shake the shadows behind them. It was counter intuitive for me to look deeper into a name than where it can get me. If they were running from something, why would I seek that something out? No. I needed prominent people, with prominent identification to successfully do what I needed to do. That's it. These meetings always ran the risk of going this way, but I'd been 'lucky' so far. It's a term I use lightly. I smothered my cigar before the blasted thing gives me away again. Getting to the point, "I want what I came here for. Or to be arrested. Whichever you had in mind." He laughed mirthfully and I caught the glassiness in his eyes. He's drunk but wears it well. I can outrun him. But instead of pushing it or telling me anything else I already know about myself, he slid a folder my way. "Sorry. I couldn't help having a little fun. Here." I flipped it open, looking between it and him. Inside was what I came here to retrieve. A passport. With it were our letters, returned as a show of good faith. Beyond that, a little something extra. Further pages were marred with whatever poison he had been drinking all night- the last of which was a page outlining his apparent accolades. This was bestowed upon by a governor, it's prestige too great for the disrespect it'd been paid ending up in this condition. In this bar. In my hands. "What's this?" His gloating turned to disapproval, face falling as if to say 'Read it, dumbass.’ "Detective Halstead." I hedged. "That'd be me." "Active?" "Not advised, this side of the Mississippi." A closer look revealed it true. Everything inside was stamped hundreds of leagues away. But why? "What do you think?" He baited. I remained quiet. I couldn't tell. My mind was going in too many directions at once. Too many mixed signals. I think I've been caught. I think that there is now a barmaid blocking the nearest exit, and I think Private Ruiz is AWOL to the second power, and Arthur Mulligan- Well Arthur Mulligan didn't do anything wrong, except have a wife who is dangerously good at tracking. (Mrs Avery Mulligan is an exception to the ghost rule. Hot on my coattails, I haven't lost her since Tennessee- she's after child support I don't have. The kids look nothing like me.) And beyond that is more than I wanted to deal with, at any capacity. I have too many loose ends, and not enough incentive to face prosecution for anything I've done or the actions of my lives before I've reaped them. "Are you with the military?" I finally asked, getting to the crux of it. "I'm not here for your desertion, Private." Loaded question. That told me how deep his information goes. Confident now, I rose from my seat abruptly, taking care to note that no bodies around me jumped too. Not even Mr.Halstead. "What?" His cocky bubble burst. "Did I scare you?" "What is your ploy?" "The original plan." His finger traced the rim off his glass. Fake as his smile, it didn't sing. "I don't have a ploy. No ulterior motive. Nothing except I intend to be on the first train out in the morning, coffers full." "And your 'legacy'?" "Dead to me. Maybe it'll be better use to you." "Why?" "We all have our reasons." That couldn't have been more ominous. There were plenty of reasons to walk. Beyond minor inconvenience, there was nothing stopping me from truly progressing with what I had except...stagnancy. I'd be fine as Arthur another few months, a static vaguely somebody doing what work he could around the state- Or I could do more. Charlie promised he had something good for me, and by god he delivered. Alarm bells told me this was a bad idea, but those bells had been playing since I left home. Looking between him and his credentials, it was my most ambitious break yet. Did I want to let that go so easily? "Well?" He offered, one last time. I paid him in full. - - - There was always a trial period between new identities. Before I slipped into the cold shoes of someone else, I wanted to make sure I could fill them. Insurance, if there were to be any. Halstead didn't intend for me to usurp his position. It was an idiotic move given his reputation. The extra bits were probably just given to me because he was arrogant like that, but digging up dirt would be the confirmation I needed for his mantle in full. I was sure he'd hate me doing this too, which was all the more motivation. I backtracked from the governor's letters. Letter after letter, telegram after telegram, I matched the names up to cases, and the cases stacked together to form the former life of a prosperous detective. Charlie Halstead grew up in a small town, child of the deputy. His parents put him through private school. No record of a sweetheart but between cracking cases like the Disappearance of Anna Louis, to the Robbery of Welton bank, to shutting down a smuggling operation along the Idorough river there wasn't time. A local legend, until the height of his career ultimately led to its plummet "Jesus Christ." My ash singed the results. He fell hard. Very hard. Borderline sociopathic criminal, or in the very least giant asshole. He left everything because it was a liability. Being him meant trouble- more than me being me did. He wriggled off the hook by the skin of his teeth, legal technicality, and a pinch of nepotism, but no one really escapes public scrutiny. He must've realized this when he couldn't find work in the town he was once beloved. When people spat at his face, or crossed the street to avoid his path. I wouldn't want to be him either, and I just dumped my savings into it. My first reaction was to take the loss. My second reaction, however. My second was to seize it. He could have got another identity if he wanted. Could have easily abandoned his in pursuit of something quieter, quainter, and out of the public eye- but I think he wanted his name to ping on the map beyond him. Maybe let rumors of him bleed across the US, until his infamy died with his obscurity. I was a tool in this way. A pawn- But whatever his reasoning was, it no longer mattered. I saw potential. I took his accomplishments and did away with the rest- something he himself could never do. This life was a new avenue to pursue. An exciting one, with the most advanced resume I've acquired to date. I could use this. I could be this, and I decided to prove it to myself with the last dregs of my cash. A name like this could take me anywhere if I was smart about it. Even if I couldn't trust my fortunes, I could trust myself. My ad was in the paper of a new town the following day. Charlie Halstead, detective for hire.

[diaryofakasiehousewife-blog]

Before the marriage

Insert 2 So today we are at his parents' house, its the Monday after the weekend of our wedding. We had our wedding in September and for some reason we had planned to go for our honey moon January next year. Sitting with us in his mother's lounge, his mother(who kept looking at me like i was some creeping creature sitted on her fake leather couches) and his older brother(Sebalo). Sebalo was atleast 8 years older than my husband but he still looked fine. He dressed well, also married and with two kids and had a very successful career. As she, my (my mother inlaw) was going through our monthly budget as palways, my husband was now outside in the garden talking to his father. She was busy going through the receipts that she told us to bring along when we came over, receipts of the wedding expenses, what my dress really cost, the decor, the food etc. Going on about how I could have hired a gown instead of buying one. How disorganised my maid of honour was, that she was clueless and wasted money on unimportant things, that i could have hired a wedding planner. "Wa tseba Tumi ngwanaka, ha ke sheba direceipts tse na kao fela, you guys could have saved right about R13 000 on this wedding." "Mmm, ka bona." I said "Sheba mose o wa hao wa lenyalo, this is something that you could have just hired at a reasonable price and saved my son a lot of money." She continued. "Really, ma?" Just then my brother inlaw interfered. "Dont you think gore, since this was Tumi and Kabo's (Yes, that Kabo) wedding day, how they wanted things to go its totally out of your control. They married and they are happy and that's all that matters." "But..." "No buts ma." Sebalo interrupted her before she could finish her sentence as he exited the lounge. So now it was just me and her in lounge. I immediately took out my cellphone and logged into facebook just to keep busy and avoid the tension. I could sense her eyes piercing through my skull as i went through my newsfeed. "Is that a new phone?" She asked "Ma?" As if i didnt hear her the first time "Phone eo, e ntsha?" "Oh yes, le thoma go e bona ma? Kabo got it for me the weekend before lenyalo." I said with a fake laugh. "Hmm, my point exactly, bana bona? Are they part of your budget?" Ahem, byanong mo di a bowa mos... cleared my throat. "Tumi..." just then Kabo called me from outside, "its time for us to go now babes." Or did i stand up quickly, a ka nagana ga bedi. "Ah ma, it was really nice seeing you again, thanks again for your effort ka lenyalo. Much appreciated." Out...ka se batle le go senya nako. Wheeew! Ka tla ka hema Outside the house was Kabo, her father ( Bra Tommy) and his ever fine brother Sebalo. "Banake, tsela tshweu, dont be strangers aseblief." Said Bra Tommy as he stretched his hand over to shake mine. "No papa we wont, re lebogile." I said We all shook hands and said our goodbyes, got into our car, now number 7 and drove off. Yes, I got married to Kabo, the guy i had dissed from Mabopane. Like i said previously, things between me and Thabo went perfectly fine from that first night we spent together. We became inseparable and during that time we were dating, i didnt have any contact with Kabo. Kore, i was so drunk in love ka di savanna over Thabo. I was in it with both legs. Well Kabo didnt just give up easily, for about a year he continued pursuing me, he called, texted, he promised me heaven and earth. But with no luck, my heart was set on Thabo and only him... Two years into our relationship, things started to change! My wonderful loving Thabo started cheating, yoh he cheated big time. Right left and centre. There were texts on his phone, photos of nude girls, late night calls. He didnt have time anymore. He just became a different person in a blink of an eye. And on the day we broke up, i found her in bed with another girl. For the third time. And please note that i didnt catch her with the same girl each time, i found him with different girls all the time. This was just unbelievable, a guy cheating on me? Me? Gape ke nna Tumi, Tumi the player! Tumi wa legwegwe, mepako, yellow bone, alles. I mean this must be a dream... Or ke wele banna? The first time i caught him in bed with a chick, i just stood there and cried. I mean this dude had the chick up against the wall, doggstyling her, deep inside it, the way he often does me! And of course he apologised his way out and got away with it. Told me that he was too drunk and wasnt thinking straight and he tried to call me to come over to his place and i wasnt picking up his calls, then this girl showed up and one thing led to another. Poor me! The second time, well i didnt really catch them red handed! I went to his flat and found lil miss sunshine all curled up cosy on his couch wearing his favourite t-shirt, the one i bought for him on his birthday. Well atleast i thought it was his favourite. "And nou?" I asked ka attitude as i entered the lounge and closed the door behind me. well she just sat there and continued watching tv. "Ausi, hello." This time patting her shoulder "Hi, please dont do that again!" She said to me ka attitude "Or else?" "Or else, nothing." Just then i proceeded to Thabo's bedroom without saying another word to her. Damn this girl...giving me attitude like this in my man's apartment. Who the hell does she think she is? Damn, this bedroom is a mess, a sexy mess thou. Wait! Its the kinda mess we made the first time we shagged. Underwewr everywhere, empty packets of condoms all over the floor, pillows off the bed and that smell of latex. Furious, i rushed back into the lounge where that sl** was sitting. "What the fuck is going here?" "Hey wena look at me when im talking to you" as i grabbed her by the neck. "Listen here Tumi, if you are going to be asking me all these questions, then i suggest that you wait for Thabo or call him." She said calmly "Cause i have nothing to explain to you." She continued. "You know my name?" "A se wena girlfriend ya Thabo?" "So if im Thabo's girlfriend, what the hell are you doing in his t-shirt? Di panty tsa go di batlang in his bedroom floor?" "Thabo and i are just fuck buddies, so if ull excuse me, i reaĺly have to go now!" Just like that, she went to Thabo's bedroom, got dressed and left the apartment. Well, this chick sorted me out i have to admit. She put me right in my place. Well, didnt i forgive him again? I did... The third time shem, i caught him red handed again... Well, lets just say that was the last time he saw me. I was fed up, i was tired of him. And i got rid of him for good. That night, the night Thabo and i broke was Friday and my girls and i decided to go out on a drinking spree! To drown my sorrows of course. We got all dressed up of course, in our Sunday bests and hit the road. Pretoria House 22, here we come! Tonight i just wanted to get laid, i had one thing in my mind. If i could just get a good African dick tonight then ill be sorted. We got there, found ourselves a nice corner spot to sit, allowing us to see who goes in and who goes out... Well, we decided to go get ourselves some drinks to begin the night. So my friends Lesego and Poppy went inside the club and left me so that i can keep our seats secured.... 10 minutes went by, and damn it seemed like forever. I mean its only 21:45 and the place is not really packed yet. Maybe i should just relax, the night is still very young ke sa tlo tagwa. Just then this two fine guys started walking towards me. Wow am i lucky already or am i lucky already. Nah i cant be, its too early to be thinking that already its too. There will be many fishes for me to catch tonight. Wait a minute, does one of this guys look familiar? who is this guy? Kabo? Shit this cant be! Damn its him. "The Kabo" the ever fine brother from Mabopane............. Is he gonna be my skhafthini tonight?

[agl03]

Do you think that if Daisy hasn't been replaced, the wound un her shoulder from the fight could be used un any way to prove that she's still herself? i cant help bit feel that she is still Daisy. It would be ver y hard to replace her in a way that could fake her powers, plus similar things have happened with her, and she was one that actually wanted to pursue the submarine and save May after they got Mace. (PS. REALLY funny doing the reCAPTCHA to prove that "I'm not a robot" after this episode)

Anonymous said:  Is it weird Daisy is using a gun in the promo? Does it mean she’s replaced? She’s over used her powers? She doesn’t want nonLMDs caught in her powers since they’re more widespread? The LMDs are canceling her powers somehow (Tony Stark had tech that could do it in the comics)? Also we saw Jemma with a gun in the trailer why wouldn’t Fitzsimmons use ICERs on their LMD comrades? It obviously wouldn’t effect LMDs and the worse their human friends can get is a headache.

Anonymous said:  So I’ve seen a lot of people thinking Daisy might actually still be real and one of Fitzsimmons being the other LMD, but in the promo it shows her walking with some sort of weapon which she never uses because of her powers but the LMD version wouldn’t have her powers so I’m thinking she actually has been replaced and the writers are actually telling us the truth for once lol

Hi Anons!  I rolled all the Daisy Real V Robo Asks into one here so I hope I hit all the points.  I also think that neither Fitzsimmons are the LMD’s, the four are Mack, Coulson, May, and Mace.  The promo can also be a bit misleading…Mace says the two that are still free…Robo Team gets their hands on one of Fitzsimmons or Daisy at some point…leaving 2 still free.

Right now I feel that Daisy or Mack is still themselves.  Leaning Daisy at the moment and for the purposes of this ask.  But I want to hit a few things that have come up.

Her Powers:

Yes, her powers would be difficult to replicate but not impossible.  But at the same time if she’s been swapped out I don’t think they would have bothered with her powers.  They weren’t going for the long con they were with May, they just needed to get her onto the base on looks alone.  So if we see and LMD of Daisy, it likely won’t have powers. 

Actions at the Superiors Base

She and Fitzsimmons were indeed the ones that wanted to keep looking for May and go after the Submarine.  It was Robo Coulson that overrode them to head home.  

The one thing that is odd to me is she just left the Superior there for dead.  I don’t know if there was a Shield clean up team that would come get him or what.  That is the one bit that isnt’ sitting right, I just think Daisy would have wanted to bring her in.

The Promo:

Daisy looks like she’s already been in quite the fight.

This is after Mace takes the lights down and I think she’s in the DIrector’s office.

The injured soldier is conveniently covered

While Radcliffe or AIDA could easily give the LMD the same injuries, there was no need too.  No one knew she was injured in the fight.   So why take the time to give the duplicate the injury if it is a duplicate.  

We see Daisy holding that arm quite a bit. From at the Superiors Base and arriving at the Playground.  

Why is she armed if she has her powers:

Yes, this could mean she’s a LMD that doesn’t have powers.

A big thing we saw in A was that when Daisy uses her powers without her gauntlets she hurts herself, the powers shattering her bones.  And she dis a massive amount of damage to herself, so she is likely still healing.  Another overuse of her powers could be devastating right now. 

The powers are also a easy way of tracking her if she’s trying to hide (not that a gunshot isn’t noticeable either).  Fitzsimmons heard/felt her fighting with Anton floors away.  So she could be limiting their use to stay under the radar.  

Her powers have proved very effective against Robo May.  So if she isn’t and LMD look for one of the Robo Team to take her gauntlets. 

A Team that Trusts:

Something we need to realize is if she isn’t an LMD she is going to be just as terrified as Fitzsimmons when this all goes down.  For her its going to be the Ward is Hydra and Hive sway all over again, not something she wants to relive.  

She won’t know who too trust either.  Once one is revealed there has been mass infiltration she’ll likely assume Fitzsimmons have been swapped as well.   Her not having the benefit they do right now of the LMD detector…and they have a possibly false read on her.  Until she can check the logs herself she will be worried about everyone too.  

Even though she and Fitzsimmons can help each other….they won’t trust each other until something tips the scales to earn that trust on both sides.  That to me is a more powerful story than having everyone being LMD’s.  

I think the biggest reason I am liking Daisy being herself is its a departure from what the writers normally do with her.  Fitzsimmons have the big win coming with Radcliffe/the tech but I’m hoping Daisy gets to be the hero too in her own way too.  IE she’s not a damsel in distress.  She’s not kidnapped and forced to betray here team…again.