#1njfiyjfiun

[aquila-non-capit-muscus]

Why Does the Caged Bird Sing?

I am going to be ruined for the rest of my life… I am doomed. I don’t know what to do, but not that I’m scared to choose. It is because I am afraid that my choice will cause hurt to the ones I love (any direction I choose: to at least someone), which I will not allow.

So my only choice I can see is to ‘not’ act which as far as I can foresee only causes hurt to me. Unfortunately, it damages me in such a way that I will completely be unable to be happy for the rest of my life (and to eternity). To forever live with the knowledge that I could have had the most magical and amazing chance for my dreams to be made reality - but instead forced so deeply into this mud-pit I’ve been publicly thrust into so that I am to become a pariah to the whole world with reputation, heart and honor irreparably broken into a dismally sad dead-end life of drudgery and toil. I don’t understand why this is my only option, but I don’t know what else to do.

If anyone would care to engage with me in such a way that I communicate what I have discovered and why I can or cannot make certain choices, I would love the option. But, since I have not been able to divine which group(s) have access to what/where I reveal anything… and because some of the secrets I have uncovered could potentially cause harm to those group(s) I cannot even provide to the ones who have assumed control of my life why it may seem like I am incapable/nonconformative/unworthy. Which I believe to be an unfair assumption.

I wish I could tell you what I think/feel/know but as privacy and security are not mine to control I find myself unwilling to reveal more than I may have already in error. I have tried to express some concerns, but I’m not sure if any of the right people even saw these (or this) as control of my ability to communicate has also been stripped away.

In fact, there has been so very little that exists in the realm of TRUTH for me know that CONTROL seems to me to be the most important factor in all of this (as opposed to love, punishment, healing, responsibility, spirituality, intervention, evolution, sacrifice, family values, trust, community, work ethic, romance, vengeance, dreams, hate, wealth, hope, bloodline, or anything else that has been presented as a necessary ‘cause’ for the situation I am in); and I apologize for having ruined plans for any/all involved in setting these events in motion. All I want — all I have wanted all along is to make things better for everyone… especially for the one’s I love most who seemed to be getting the worst end of life’s “learning” stick. I have had this thought as my mantra for so long it is what has kept me going when all else has been taken or gone away. I have been in crisis-management mode for around 25 years or so, and I am sorry if it has culminated in the events of last fall shattering my ability to process fast enough to keep up with wave after wave of newly presented riddles and puzzles. If I had been given even only a couple answers through the course I believe I would have been able to meet if not far exceed requirements, but as is… I can see that I have not been in any way able to heal, nor have I been living in any way how I would like to be. Instead barely surviving in any way I have been allowed to with my thoughts, dreams , and actions locked up, frozen, fragmented, and not representative of potential.

Why does the caged bird sing? To distract itself from the abuse it has been forced to suffer and it’s own negligence owed to enduring such as it has. So that it doesn’t have to recognize that it is neck deep in shit and sinking… you want me to learn to fly on my own with clipped wings while shackled to my perch. But even still, I sing as much for your benefit as my own because I fear you may be feeling the same and we could all use some cheering up. I love you all. For any that have hurt me, I forgive you and truly wish you only the best; and for those I have hurt, I am so, so very sorry. I have never meant to and wish I could make things better. You all deserve the best, most magical, happiest life you could ever imagine and I hope that you will find it if you have not yet.

Please understand how sorry I am for my part in ruining any positively intended influencers’ plans and if able to… I hope that the one(s) responsible for my predicament will contact me privately and without the ‘veil of lies’ that coats my reality now. If not I may well be cornered with doom looming in all directions, but if so — id est quod id est. I tried and I never quit… I just ran out of viable options.