#1d blurbls

[in-the-name-of-styles]

The one where you know what you want.

Finally, the fifth addition to the Divorce Series AU. I was inspired by two books written by Colleen Hoover, ‘November 9 and Hopeless’, I highly recommend giving it a read. They are amazing.  Let me know in my ask box if you guys are enjoyed this part. ENJOY! :)

-

You know the feeling you feel when one moment you think that everything in your life  finally makes sense but in the next moment you think that nothing makes sense?

Well that’s how you are feeling right now. Few words with Harry, and now you are second guessing everything. Yes, you told him that you are going to sell the house… But will you really? You did make a lot of memories in this house, did you really want to give that all up to move in with Miles? You lie awake in your bed for the fourth time this week. How can Harry still have such control over your thoughts after everything that had happened between the two of you.

No, you won’t let him control you or your mind for that matter. You know you have made the right decision and you were going to stand by it. After everything he put you through you weren’t going to let him win this time.

You snap out of your thoughts when you feel your phone buzzing. You sigh when you see the name of the caller. He’s been calling you every night since the night you had the talk about the house.

“Harry you have got to stop calling me so late at night….” You answer.

”I could be calling because I want to talk to the kids,” he sasses.

“You know the kids are already in bed, and there’s no way I’m waking them up just so you can  prove your point to me.” You snap.

“You know I’m not gonna stop, right?” you roll your eyes at his cocky tone.

“So what are you going to do, Harry? Are you planning to jeopardize the only relationship I’m actually willing to make work after we fell apart?” You snap,

He sighs, “No, I’m not going to do that-”

“Have you thought about how is Grace going to react when she gets to know about the thing you said to me the other night, huh?!” You cut him off with a sharp tone in your voice.

“Well, for one she will be sad, yes but I’m sure she’ll want me happy just like I wish for her to be, and I think both of us know that we aren’t in it for a long run and also that I might still have feelings for you!” he snaps back at you.

You pinch the bridge of your nose and shake your head, “How do you know that?!-”

“because I already told her! It’s over, YN! I broke up with her the night I told you about my feelings!” He raises his voice slightly and cuts you off.

Those words are enough for you to snap your mouth shut. You didn’t know that he was being this serious about the two of you. Suddenly, you let out a loud groan, he is playing with your mind again. One day he wants nothing to do with you and asks you for a divorce, then the next he’s trying to wiggle his way back into your life. He is making everything so difficult for you.

“You see YN, unlike you I’m not scared to admit my feelings. Yes, I made a mistake, but I’m willing to work for your forgiveness. Where as far as you go you just want the easy way out. You think this man named Miles Johnson is the key to your happiness but you and I both know he’s not. What makes you think that the two of you will work out now when back in the days you didn’t? What’s so different now?!” He confronts.

Anger starts to boil in the pit of your stomach, “Just because you’re relationship didn’t work out, and you feel jealous that my relationship is going smoothly, doesn’t give you the right to say all those things!” you say with a snap.

He lets out a laugh, “Who are you kidding, YN? Have you forgotten for how long I’ve known you? I’ve known you longer than that little boyfriend of yours does, I married you, remember? I’ve fought for you before and I will fight for you again if I have to. Of course I’m jealous, he has you! How can I not be jealous?

“But you know what?I’m not that worried for us, wanna know why? Because we share something that the two of you will never share with each other.  Our kids. That’s how I know we’re meant to be, they are enough reason for you to come back to me. I promise, YN, we’ll be the family we once were. We’ll be happy together once again” He concludes.

“I don’t think that is going to happen, I wouldn’t get my hopes up.” You let of a shaky breath, nervous after hearing his speech, “Goodnight, Harry.”

“Goodnight, YN.” you hang up on him saying that. He’s wrong, after all this time you can’t bring yourself to believe him. He’s wrong, and you know it. Everything will be fine. Miles is the right choice.

Just when you decide that it’s time for you to sleep, your bedroom door opens and a the hallway light enters the dark room, you squint your eyes to see get a clear look at the person. You were expecting Alec but are surprised with Zara comes into your view.

“Mama, you awake?” she whispers and tip toes towards you.

“What are you doing awake this late, baby?” you gentle pull her towards you. You shift yourself towards the other side of the bed as she lays beside you. She places her head on your chest and you wrap your free arm comfortably around her.

“Just couldn’t sleep. I heard your voice down the hallway, thought I should come and see you.” She confesses.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up, honey.” You gently place a kiss on the top of her head and you massage her head.

“No no, you didn’t… I’ve been awake for a while now.” She says.

You hum a song in attempts to try to lull her back to sleep. After a moment of silence between the two of you, she decides to ask you a question.

“Hey mama?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“What were you and papa fighting about the other night?” she finally asks. You freeze your hand which combed through her hair.

“Just a little thing, nothing to worry about…” You answer and give her a nervous smile when she looks up at you.

“Mama, I heard everything.” she confesses.

You close your eyes and let out a sigh of defeat, “We were pretty loud, weren’t we? I’m sorry you had to hear that, honey.” you apologise. She shakes her head in decline.

“I was right out the door, I was about to walk in for a glass of water when I heard the two of you.” she says then adds, “look, mama. If Miles makes you happy, then we shouldn’t be a barrier between the two of you. I’ve apologised to Grace for my behaviour. Don’t let us stop you and papa from being happy.”

“Shush, you and your brothers are what makes us happy, okay?” you say in a stern voice. She smiles and gets back in her previous position.

“I’m just letting you know that we won’t mind moving. Lily is a pretty amazing and Miles too, would love to share a house with them.”

“You don’t worry little mind about my problems, just worry about your homework, young lady..” you joke.

-

You just finished your last class for the day, when Miles texts you that he’s here to pick you up. You had called him this morning wanting to talk to him about the situation you are in. You cross the campus to reach to him. You see him leaning against his car and the two of you smile at each other.

“If  this ‘we need to talk’ is the you want to break up with me talk , can you just get it over with, please?” he says half joking. You shake your head and he lets out a sigh of relief. “Phew, you had me there for a minute, love..”

“You don’t mind walking around the campus for a while as we speak, do you?” you ask as you open the back door of his car to place all your stuff in the back seat. He shakes his head and takes a hold of your hand. You walk him to a secluded area on the campus and the two of you take a seat on a bench.

“What’s wrong, babe?” He asks and wraps his arm around your shoulder to pull you towards him. You place your head on his shoulder.

“What if I told you that me and the kids are ready to move in with you and Lil?” You ask slyly. You feel him freeze beside you. “I would officially be the happiest man alive whole wide world?” he asks unsure if you’re serious.

You shift your head to look at him, he meets your gaze and you smile at him, “Well then I think you can call yourself the happiest man alive in the whole wide world.”

He shakes his head and lets out loud happy laugh, “I mean.. Wow, really?! Are you sure?” he shoots with question, you think for a moment but then nod your head. He stands up and pulls you with him. He brings you in his arms and rests his cheek against your head, “Oh my gosh, baby! This is great! Lily will be thrilled to have you guys with her. We’ll all be like a one big family!” he rejoices and sways you lightly.

“We are pretty excited too!” You smile.

That night you, the kids, Lily and Miles celebrated the news with going out for dinner. The news spread like wildfire and the headlines were filled with you and your ‘new man’, also you realised that Harry didn’t call you in the night for the first time that week. You weren’t sure why you were expecting him to call, but you felt a pinch of sadness when he didn’t.

-

“I’m thinking of taking the kids to LA with me for a while, they deserve a break after everything they’ve been through because of us, don’t you think?” Harry asks you as you finish packing Alec’s blanket in his bag.

You nod, “Yeah, I think you’re right…” and hand him the bag with a small smile.

“You could always come with us.”he mumbles, and looks everywhere but you.

“I don’t think that would be a great idea,” you say, and shake your head. You start walking downstairs with him, when he lightly pulls you back.

“Please,can we talk about it? I really want you to come with us. Just imagine how happy that will make the children!” He whispers to you.

“I don’t think we should be giving them any false hopes, Harry” you look at him with a stern expression. It hurts him when he hears you say his name, without any affection or terms of endearments, he loved it when you called him with loving nicknames, he wants all those times back. He wants you back. But he knows that no one but he himself has brought this situation on him.

The coming weeks included with Harry taking the kids every weekend and also included you collecting documents for the house and making calls to estate agents. Soon couples after couples were coming to check out your house. You don’t notice that Miles was starting to notice the change in your behaviour and how you talked much less than before and how you were lost in your thoughts more.  The only time you actually seem to smile and be happy was when Harry came to pick up the kids, and that hurt him.

“YN?”

You snap out of your thoughts and meet his gaze, “Yes?” you smile at him.

“Lost in your thoughts again, babe?” He asks.

You shake your head and lean in to take a hold of his hand, “I’m sorry.. It’s just I’m so stressed about the house and-”

“YN, are you sure you want to take this step with me?” he abruptly asks.

You pause and look at him, “What?…. I mean, of course I am! What would you ask me that?” you smile at him nervously.

He shakes his head and sighs. He drops his head into his hands, “I don’t know…” he looks at you with such an intense look it make you shiver, “You aren’t the same after all these events!”

You open your mouth but he cuts you off, “I think I’m close to falling in love with you. I can see myself falling in love with you.”

Your jaw slightly drops at his confession, “Miles….”

“And I  can see you being an amazing mother figure for Lily, YN…” He gulps and looks away from you, “But if you aren’t sure about something you have to tell me. I need to know before I invest myself more into this relationship.” You sit there in silence, waiting for him to finish.

“Look, I’m not going to and I won’t force you into anything, just like you said, I have to think about my daughter too… That’s why I’ve decided to give you some space and time to decide what you exactly want. If you want this just as much as I do. Take as much as time you need, I’m ready to wait, because if I’m what you want then I’ll be honored and try to make sure you’re always happy, love… Think about it, kay?”

He kisses your forehead and walks out of your house. You plop yourself on your elbows and rub your face. You weren’t entirely sure about what just happened. Did Miles just ask you to choose between him and Harry?

-

One Month Later…

A month. That’s how long it took for you to come to your decision. You felt so selfish for making him wait so long, but you wanted to be completely sure. You lift William to you hip and lightly bounce him.

“You’re getting heavier day by day, buddy!” you let out hump when I lift him up and walk into the kitchen, “Let’s see what we have here today to fill that tummy for yours!” you coo.

“Mama..” he blabbers, you chuckle and kiss his cheeks.

“Well I’m sorry ,baby but you can’t eat me,” you joke and smile.

It wasn’t until later that afternoon when you gently place his unconscious sleepy body on the bed for his daily nap you notice a letter placed on your pillow. You glance at Will one more time and before getting a hold of the letter. Your name was neatly written on top of the letter, you knew the handwriting that’s why you were nervous to read it. You close the door behind you gently and walk downstairs to the living room. You and Will were the only people home today. The other two kids were at school and Meredith was with her family for the week.

 You take a seat on the sofa before tearing the letter open, and start scanning the words written on it.

Dear YN,

I’m sorry for the times I made you feel as if I didn’t care about us anymore.For all the times I fell asleep on you and your talks . I’m sorry I didn’t show you the respect that you deserved. I know I kept breaking all the promises that I promised never to break. I’m sorry that I disappointed you and our children.

 It wasn’t your fault, and it’s wasn’t that you were not worth it. You’re the best person to ever come into my life and I never wanted to mess our relationship up. This letter isn’t because I want you to forgive me, but it’s the only way I can finally say everything I wanted to tell you after everything went downhill. I want to tell you that you didn’t deserve the way I treated you during that time and for that I can never apologise enough.  

I’m sorry, my love, I just lost my way. I know it’s not enough but I’m trying and I won’t stop until you see the change in me. Seeing you with Miles Johnson showed me how bad I was treating you, and no I will never stop calling him by his full name. I was so angry at myself. Thoughts like how better he was than me, or how you will grow to love him more than you ever did me made me furious and scared. I know he treats you well. But baby, he’s not the one for you.  I know you feel like he is but he isn’t and I’m not saying this because I’m jealous, no. I’m saying this because I know you, and I know what you need. 

Sometimes the best relations have to fall apart before they understand the importance of their better half in their life. I’m sorry it took us so long and such painful memories to get there. I know you think I’m not the one for you anymore, but honey, you’ve just blocked me out of your life completely. That’s why you’re feeling that way. But just because you’ve blocked the memory of me from your mind doesn’t mean you’ve blocked  the memory of me out of your heart, is it?

 Because when you love someone, you love everything about them, you can’t just forget the love once you had for them. Baby, when you find love, you take it. You grab it with both hands and you do everything in your power not to let it go. You can’t just walk away from it and expect it to linger until you’re ready for it. I  walked away once but I really don’t want to walk away again. Please understand me one more time, love, just like you always use to.

Hope you find it in your heart to give me one chance.That’s all I’m asking for. If not, then I understand but I’ll always wait for you. If not today then tomorrow, if not tomorrow then the day after that. I will wait for you forever.  You know why?

Because you’re not the kind of girl I choose my battles for. You’re the kind of girl I will fight to death for. I love you more than there are the stars in the whole universe.

   Yours and only yours, H xx

Tears stream down your face as you clutch the letter to your chest. The thing is that the letter didn’t really help to change the decision you have arrived at. So you walk upstairs to lift William up in your arms and take him down towards your car. Once you buckle him to his car seat, you shush him and lull him back to sleep. You still have two hours before the kids came home. So you quickly drive down to his house.

He opens the door and looks at the tears running down your face and a sleeping William in your arms, he gives you a small smile and opens his arms to welcome you in them, “It’s okay, babe. Everything will be just fine. I promise…. It’s okay.” he pulls William to his side and he wraps his other arm around you. He rests his cheek against your head and leaves a soft kiss on the top of your head.

“I’m so sorry.. I’m so so sorry, for everything!” You cry into his arms, as he run his hand down your hair and tries to comfort you, “I’m so sorry, Miles..”

THE END.

*

*

*

*

OR IS IT?

LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AFTER READING THIS AND REQUEST FOR MORE HERE !!

Hope you enjoyed reading this! Thank you so much for the support you guys have been giving these series! If you liked it please HEART and REBLOG it, so others can read my stuff too!

Checkout my other writings HERE. I love you guys! :) xx