#1986Films

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Cobra (1986)

Cobra is one crazy movie. It’s absurdly violent, at times nonsensical, badly written, and so over-the-top you can’t believe they took it seriously. This film is so busy trying to convince us that legislation and proper procedures get in the way of true justice it becomes hilarious.

Sylvester Stallone is officer Marion “Cobra” Cobretti, a cop so bold all he needs to defeat crime is for those who believe in “due process”, “innocent until proven guilty” and “nonlethal force” to stand out of the way. When model Ingrid Knudsen (Brigitte Nielsen) witnesses a savage attack by a cult of ax-wielding maniacs who believe in a New World Order, she is placed in protective custody. With the cult's leader (Brian Thompson as the Night Slasher) hell-bent on slaughtering her, Cobra is Marion’s only hope.

What a misfire. Even if it were true that police officers could clean up the streets in five minutes if they were given free rein, this film would fail to convince you. Cobra has no grasp on reality whatsoever. Violent crimes may happen every day, some of them might be senseless and random… but how many are committed by one-dimensional villains like the ones we meet here? This feels like it was written by an angsty teenager who just finished reading a newspaper article about a murderer going free due to lack of evidence. It’s a fantasy in which the muscle-bound hero is never punished or even reprimanded because he's surrounded by limp-wristed softies with broomsticks up their asses.

Cutting the legs from under the picture is its own staggering body count. While Jason Voorhees may have butchered 146 people on-screen, that’s over 12 films. Cobra kills 41 in just a few days. The man makes a career of tracking down bad guys. They must have entire fields dedicated to the suspects he’s tracked down!

What cements Cobra as a film that’s so bad it’s good is its earnestness. Sylvester Stallone stars and wrote the screenplay. Director George P. Cosmatos went on to direct Tombstone, about a group of cowboys who decide to bring justice to a small town by the way of the gun. They believed in this picture. They wanted to lure people into the theatre with the promise of violence and action while teaching you a lesson. They wanted to change the way you think. Every antagonist is so slimy, every effort to make Cobra cool is so obvious it winds up having the opposite effect. Whether it's a would-be frightening scene or action-packed exchanges of gunfire, it all becomes hysterical as you count down the number of people sent to their graves. You keep waiting for that weird scene with the robots (don't ask) to pay off… and it doesn’t, making the film a blast to watch alone, but even more entertaining to see with friends that have no idea what they’re getting into.

As a bonus, Cobra is set around Christmas time - obviously to make its violence even more shocking. I’ve heard it used to run longer and was Rated X before it was trimmed down to accommodate more screenings upon its initial release. That original version is what I want for Christmas this year. There’s no better way to describe this Stallone picture than to pull a quote directly from the movie: “This thing’s so far out of control I don’t know where to start”. (On Blu-ray, December 2, 2016)

[fuforthought]

A poster for the 1986film, “The Magic Crystal”. It’s nice to see a poster for a film that starred the much-loved Andy Lau actually highlight Cynthia Rothrock.

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Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

When making a list of “remakes that are better than the original”, don’t forget to include Little Shop of Horrors near the top. To be fair, it's more of an adaptation of the off-Broadway musical than the original Roger Corman picture, but it still counts. Darkly funny, with catchy songs, memorable characters, and special effects so good you won’t believe this film was made in 1986, you'll happily hit "play" again the second it's over.

Seymour Krelborn (Rick Moranis) is a nerdy little guy who pines for his co-worker at the flower shop, Audrey (Ellen Greene). With business at an all-time low, their boss Mr. Mushnik (Vincent Gardenia) allows Seymour to display one of his unusual plants in the shop. "Audrey II" (voiced by Levi Stubbs) draws huge crowds but this isn't a typical plant. It doesn’t feed on water, soil, and sunlight; it wants blood.

For the 1960s version of Little Shop of Horrors, a remake was just what the doctor ordered. This film builds upon its foundation and improves every aspect. Right from the get-go, you’re greeted with catchy tunes modelled after 60’s rock and roll, doo-wop, and early Motown. I bet you didn't expect Rick Moranis or Steve Martin (in a small but memorable role) to have first-class vocal cords but do. You'll have a hard time choosing which number is the best, though any with Tichina Arnold, Michelle Weeks, and Tisha Campbell is a serious contender.

The special effects bringing Audrey II to life are nothing short of amazing. It's more than a prop, it's a fully-realized character with fully articulated libs and an unforgettable voice (Levi Stubbs does an amazing job). The carnivorous flora delivers a full range of emotions without that most crucial feature: eyes. For anyone thinking of making a living in the special effects industry, this is mandatory viewing. You see what they were able to do back in 1986 and you combine that with today’s technology, there’s nothing you can’t do.

Audrey is just the first of many characters to treasure. We could talk about the cameos but that would be spoiling the surprises. Instead, let's focus on Seymour and Audrey. I admire director Frank Oz for having the guts to make us follow two loser protagonists. We see square-jawed Adonises and flawless beauties all the time. How about something different? Seymour and Audrey are weak, kind of pathetic and just a dime’s width from hitting rock bottom - but you like them. If they manage to turn this Audrey II thing into a success and they get together, they could move out of the perpetual slump they’ve fallen into and live happily ever after. Too bad a dark comedy like this one makes no promises about a happy ending.

Having seen both the theatrical and director's cut, I'm unsure which version to recommend more. I like both but I’m going to lean towards the Director’s cut. The theatrical version feels like it doesn’t commit to itself the way the other one does. Little Shop of Horrors is so much fun I don’t think you can go wrong either way, but since test audiences demanded the ending be changed to the one that can be found in the theatrical version, maybe check that one out first and then if you’re brave enough, see the other.

Little Shop of Horrors is everything I want to see in a musical. There are good numbers throughout, many laughs, and memorable characters. There are plenty of iconic scenes and from a dark comedy/monster movie point of view, the special effects are amazing. The casting is perfect. I’d love to see this one on the big screen with a crowd cheering and singing along (but not too loud, I still want to hear the movie!). Whichever version you choose, it's a winner. (Theatrical & Original Cuts on DVD, February 19, 2016)

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An American Tail (1986)

I can see why many have fond memories of An American Tail.  There are things to like, but this is not Don Bluth at the top of his game.

As he and his family immigrate from Russia to the United States to escape persecution, Fievel Mouskewitz (Phillip Glasser) becomes separated from his family. In the land of freedom - where they say there are no cats - Fievel searches for his family, encountering all sorts of outlandish characters along the way.

Despite their young age, children can understand complex emotions. They enjoy being challenged by characters or stories that feel real. You are not doing them any favors by utilizing broadly painted stereotypes or clichés in your stories while excusing the fact that it’s a movie “just for kids”. For this reason, I should applaud An American Tail and its moments of darkness and honesty... but the movie goes too far. It's depressing. Fievel isn’t an adult looking for his family. He’s a little kid. So little he hardly understands what’s going on around him. He is thrown from one dangerous situation to another while his family believes him dead. There are few instances of fun but overall, it’s gloomy. Constantly being teased as the young mouse and his beloved father (voiced by Nehemiah Persoff) nearly find each other but somehow end up going in opposite directions doesn't help. Look at the cover of the movie/the poster. It looks like a fun adventure, but children, particularly little children - will find this too intense.

There's not much here to adults either, unless you're looking at it through rose-tinted glasses. A thorough analysis does An American Tail no favors. Fievel is not an interesting character. He has no personality because he’s a little kid. Other characters tell him what to do or bring him to the next step in his journey. Remove the young mouse, and the events that unfold would almost go unchanged.

Call this last one a nitpick, but the plot of this animated film is contrived and muddy. I understand the Jewish mice are running away from Russia (a parallel to the humans attempting to escape the Cossacks), but the fact their tormentors being cats doesn’t really make sense. Cats don't chase mice because of their religious beliefs or personal grudges… they just want to eat them! I understand this is an animated movie about talking animals. It’s important to have them all be visually distinct. The message of “mouse good, cats bad” is an easy to grasp. Wouldn’t it have been just effective and much more grounded in reality if the Mousekewitz were persecuted by rats instead? This personal issue, combined with several big coincidences throughout, shows the writing just isn't on the level it should be.

Despite these issues, I wouldn't call An American Tail bad. The animation is smooth, the characters well-drawn, and their designs distinct. The backgrounds are beautifully detailed. There are many inspired sequences. It's a mixed bag but if you remember enjoying it as a kid and you know your children can handle it, then yeah, go ahead. If you missed out back in the day, there's no need to feel bad about it. (On VHS, September 17, 2015)

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Stand By Me (1986)

Everyone owes themselves at least one viewing of Stand By Me. From the very beginning, you're hooked. The story begins when four best friends - Gordie (Wil Wheaton), Chris (River Phoenix), Teddy (Corey Feldman), and Vern (Jerry O'Connell) - hear that the body of a missing child has been found but that the discovery has not yet been reported to the police. The boys decide to go on a hike to pinpoint its location and become town heroes in the process. Along their journey, they learn more about themselves and each other than they ever have in all their years as friends.

This movie is like a military sniper. It takes its time, lines up the shot and when it hits,  it's with a perfect shot right at your core. Stand By Me perfectly captures the feeling of being 12-years-old during summer vacation. We're all one of the characters in this story and we've all been on an adventure like theirs. The details may be different but the emotional journey is the same. As an outsider watching, you see what's going on. These kids are all excited about going out and doing something extraordinary. Think about what it would be like at 12 years old to find a dead body. It sounds morbid or scary seeing it written down but think back. For a pre-teen, it would've been awesome because you haven't yet fully grasp what a dead body really means. You're at that point where you're on the edge of adulthood and where you're headed is impossible to pinpoint exactly. That moment when something inside you clicks and suddenly, you begin truly understanding the world, and what it all means is perfectly captured here.

Will Wheaton, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, and Jerry O’Connell deliver extraordinary performances. It's as if we're not looking at actors reading a script. They sound and look like just a regular group of buddies. They joke, rough each other up a bit, talk philosophical, debate idiotic topics, and come up with creative insults for each other. This brings us to the one non-criticism: the language. I suspect many parents would shy away from showing "Stand By Me" to their pre-teens because of it. Actually, this is precisely why they would like it so much. I might not have truly understood what I was saying when I was talking about girls, sex, and all sorts of filthy things when I was about to enter my teens but that didn't stop me from talking the same way they did. Admit it, you did too. Director Rob Reiner, writers Bruce A. Evans and Raynold Gideon never try to sugarcoat things or make this story needlessly whimsical. They know Stand By Me doesn't need it.

Seeing Stand By Me is a journey onto itself. A journey you never forget. Part nostalgia, part eye-opening experience, it’s a precious gem that demands to be seen. Not just once. These characters, this story will mean different things to you depending on your age, how many times you’ve seen it before and who you are watching it with. I’d love to see it again and discuss it around a campfire while roasting marshmallows. Who else had friends like Gordie, Chris, Teddy, and Vern? What was their equivalent of the search for a dead body? Which myths did it reinforce or create? Who were the bullies that hurt them the most? What memories of their parents will they be unable to forget despite their best efforts? What horrible incident do you now look back upon fondly because you managed to get out relatively Scott-free?

It’s never too late to discover Stand by Me, but the sooner you see it for the first time, the sooner you’ll get to start ritualistically re-watching it. (On DVD, June 23, 2015)

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Heartbreak Ridge (1986)

I never walk out of movies but I almost wish I'd made an exception for Heartbreak Ridge. Now hold on. It’s not because the movie is bad. It’s because the first half is so good you almost shouldn’t see the disappointing second half. The conclusion doesn't do the beginning justice.

Directed and Starring Clint Eastwood, Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Highway is on the edge of mandatory retirement. Before taking off his boots for the last time, he is assigned to train the laziest, most insubordinate gang of marines to be found.

Highway is a total badass. He spews obscenities and lewd comments at everyone and always finds creative (often cruel) ways to get his recruits off their behinds and on their feet. Hearing him describe someone’s mouth as “that hole under your nose” had me howling. I’d love to watch and re-watch this film to memorize that dialogue. It's hilarious but the film plays it straight. You’re constantly taken aback that such an outrageous comment could be delivered without flinching or winking towards the audience but Eastwood's so mean you're afraid to laugh. It's a delight to hear him growl through this dialogue and constantly beat the insubordinate punks down. It’s the reason to watch the film.

Also enjoyable are the little bits of character development here and there. Anytime someone interacts with the lead, it's terrific, with Corporal "Stitch" Jones (Mario Van Peebles) being a standout. There's a love plot involving Highway's ex-wife, Aggie (Marsha Mason), that's quite nice and adds a nice human side to the man who sounds like he’s using sandpaper as chewing tobacco. Everyone brings their a-game to the show.

Once the training ends, Heartbreak Ridge begins missing its mark. Normally I criticize films for thin or non-existent plots. This one's got the opposite problem. The entire thing should've been about Highway transforming Stitch and his buddies into real marines but it keeps going. When the training pays off and the boys go into combat, it’s standard stuff. It's fine but pales in comparison to everything we saw earlier.

This isn’t the first time movie drill sergeants see their proteges off towards combat whose intensity does not equal that of tempers flying and creative training exercises. Maybe it proves that interesting characters, witty dialogue, and big laughs are far more compelling than people shooting each other and stuff blowing up. With that ending, I can only mildly recommend seeing the Heartbreak Ridge but the beginning is so good it'd be a shame to miss it. (On DVD, May 12, 2015)

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

The first time I saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it frightened me so I had to add it to my movie collection. I love it for what it is and for what it isn’t. It’s subtle, low-budget, quiet, realistic, and shocking. It feels like a snuff film you’ve stumbled upon and can’t look away from.

I distinctly remember the first time I saw The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. I had excitedly brought it home to watch. What a colossal disappointment it was. I'd hoped since then, my palette might've adjusted to the deliberate change of tone, that I'd appreciate director Tobe Hooper's choice to go the other direction. TCM 2 is the antithesis of its predecessor in every way possible, including my rating. I gave the original a 5/5, this one gets a proud and well-deserved 0!

Set 13 years after the first, the film’s hero is radio DJ “Stretch” (Caroline Williams). When she records Leatherface’s family murdering two motorists on her show, the southern cannibals set their eyes on her. Meanwhile, a deranged former Texas Ranger, Lieutenant “Lefty” (Dennis Hopper), begins stalking the killers himself.

I get it. This movie is meant to be a dark horror-comedy. There’s no way anyone could re-capture the immediate and tangible terror of that first picture, so why try? Good idea in theory. In practice, it’s loathsome. TCM 2 feels like a children’s playground scenario. Imagine being 8 years old and having a rival, a cocky little snot that always beats you at soccer. Determined to beat them, you practice every day and work hard to effortlessly dribble the ball, pass, and shoot. Finally, the big day comes and it’s paying off. You’re winning. Badly. Sensing this, your rival begins goofing off, running around blindfolded and scoring on their own net. They're trying to save themselves from the embarrassment of losing but you know. You know you beat them. That’s what this movie is.

At 101 minutes, TCM 2 feels like it lasts over two hours. Not content with being unfunny, it repeats itself endlessly and refuses to make sense. There’s no escalation or breaks, no comedic timing or proper pacing in its humor. Non-stop, it's Lt. Lefty dual-wielding chainsaws, Leatherface (Bill Johnson) pretending his signature weapon is his penis, and his brother Chop Top (Bill Moseley) cackling. It renders you numb. If you cut out all of the “No, somebody help me!”, "Please, help me!”, and “Oh God! Someone please!” out of the film, you’ve got maybe half an hour’s worth of footage, tops.

Making it an even harder watch are the characters. There’s no one to like in this picture. Some might argue Lt. Lefty, but he’s a gargantuan moron. Same for Stretch, who is too stupid to get herself out of simple jams. Even the killers aren’t entertaining because they’re so over-the-top.

Burn this movie. Chop it up into pieces and set it on fire. I hated it the first time I saw it and now, I loathe it even more. It’s a chore to watch and yeah, I laughed a couple of times. There’s even an instant I found genuinely scary, but those are brown jelly beans in a bucket filled with rabbit poop. It’s not worth digging through, not when there are perfectly good bags of candy available. Let me say it one more time because it brings me joy to do so. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 gets a perfect 0/5 rating. (Original cut on DVD, January 29, 2016)