#19 layers of bbs trauma

[starfiresky]

Kingdom Hearts?

More like Kingdom B R O K E N Hearts 💔

[wandering-dogs]

Hi! I hope this is ok to ask, but why'd you pick a BC to be your service dog? Definitely not judging, because I've been really strongly considering it myself, but everyone tells me that BCs are generally too sensitive for public access!

Oh boy, I just managed to delete everything I wrote on this. =w=;Well. This is REALLY fucking long, so… Under the cut we go.TLDR; there were a lot of personal circumstances to think about between my disabilities, money, and timing, and it was moreso that a BC fit neatly into those than I necessarily wanted a BC from the beginning.

So! First off, I should mention, you’re absolutely correct. When I got Wander, this was a thing I was warned about. I specifically asked for a dog who rebounded off of scares quickly, and I got just that. He definitely recovers fast, but he is, absolutely, a sensitive dog. Moreso than I would have wanted.

But, there were a few things I had to think about that led me to getting a BC, even with the warning that they were sensitive.

1. I’ve seen a lot of successful border collie service dogs. Like, a surprising amount. This was one of the reasons I even started looking into them! That, combined with a few questions placed at a few different people, really made them seem like an option. Not necessarily, the ideal, but…

2. I don’t like the main service dog breeds. Or, rather, I hate living with them. I’ve owned labs and golden retrievers, and I really, truly, did not want to have to live with another. I think they’re great dogs! I think all my friends should have one! But I know myself, and I know that it would not be fair to me or my dog to get one of those two breeds. Even if they have a higher chance of success, what would that have mattered if I was constantly getting annoyed at things that are perfectly normal for those breeds? Poodles, which were another option, I just didn’t know enough about. There’s a lot of grooming that goes into them for one, which I have no experience in (though I’d love to learn) and I know nothing about their temperaments other than they are retriever-y dogs. Which is why I ended up vetoing them to be on the safe side.

3. An organization was likely out of the question. I don’t know enough about organizations and how they should run to tell a good one from a mediocre one, to start. Then there’s also that they normally choose breeds that I just simply don’t get along with. But the real kicker is that I really couldn’t locate one that would work with me. I’m autistic and have PTSD along with some other mental issues. Finding an organization that works with autistic adults? Near impossible. I, to this date, have not been able to locate one that looks decent. And PTSD ones are mostly geared towards veterans, which I am not. The other issue is time frame; I did not have a ton of waiting time.

4. So, I was majorly depressed at the time. Like, sleeping for days on end, not getting out of bed, angry, depressed. This was partially due to processing multiple layers of trauma! The main issue however was that I hit an autistic breakdown. Think of it as a mental break. I couldn’t read for several years after this happened, for example. I still, to this day, have some days where I cannot read more than a sentence at a time without losing the ability altogether. Typing up a paragraph? This whole thing that you’re currently reading? That was a pipe dream for me at the time. And for someone who spent their whole like from age 4 (yes, four) to 19 reading chapter book upon chapter book a day to cope? That was a devastating loss. I have still not been able to read as many books, but I’m improving! (for reference, I’m currently 23)

4.5. Animals are my life. At the time, we had lost our old rescue lab, and just gotten Simon, who had settled in beautifully. I’d intended to see if he would work out as a service dog, but was told no immediately (family dog, not YOUR dog), and wasn’t allowed to work with him. This meant his anxiety worsened because I couldn’t continue his socializing, and by the time they realised I really needed a service dog, it was too late for Simon to have a chance. (He’s also protective, so it wouldn’t have worked out anyways most likely) But, I was depressed, in bed, and had no purpose. Caring for a puppy would force me out of bed. I knew this, my mum knew this, and so it just kind of… It didn’t have a rush or timeline. I was willing to wait. But it definitely was something I couldn’t just sit around and wait years for either.

5. Originally, I’d planned on getting a Berger Blanc Suisse. And in all honesty, I still plan on getting one! I still think they would be better suited to my needs, and I certainly prefer the look and size of them! But, I couldn’t find a good BBS breeder near me, and shipping/flying out was likely not an option either. Now that I know more of where to look, I have my eye on a few, but… That’s neither here nor there.

6. I was worried that the dog would wash out. I couldn’t be sure that I would be able to afford regular training, as I am paid based off of commissions, and knew my parents wouldn’t make it a priority (i was correct). This meant that there was a pretty decent chance that the dog would wash out, because I was the only one who’d be training him. I didn’t really have any local dog training friends, all I had was some practice on Simon and a plethora of videos and research. Which meant that the dog washing out had to be taken into account from the start. I’m not a person who would be able to rehome a dog I raised as my own, though I understand why and how others do. But I definitely needed some sort of backup plan. Border collies are good at sports, make decent pets in case the dog washed out into an ESA, and yet also were okay service dog prospects! Not ideal, but it was one of the closest I could find to an ideal dog. A little bit of sensitivity seemed like a decent trade off for a dog who I knew I could do a ton of things with, even if my plans well through.

7. I’d been looking into BC’s already, more as a backup plan if I couldn’t locate a BBS breeder that would/could work with me, when I got a recommendation towards a BC breeder. I went in, looked at her page, looked at her dogs, joined her pup group and poked around, and finally sent her a message, asking if she was going to have any future breedings that would supply a dog with the temperament I needed. She messaged back saying she had a puppy there already who fit, and we worked out a discount contract. I’d already had some money saved up between commissions and some donations, and my parents offered to cover the rest of the cost. After that, its history.

I’m sure I forgot something, but that’s… a lot of info anyways.

I want to be very clear though, now that I’m at the end.

I don’t regret getting Wander. I am not on good terms with his breeder anymore, after a lot of drama, but I do know a lot of people who own her dogs, and like them very well. I love Wander a lot, and he really was the perfect dog for me at the time. I don’t know if I’d change any of my choices if I had the chance; I can’t claim to know that.He’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. I call him a service dog in training still because I feel that he very much is. I can’t say for sure that I’d wash him out. He has flaws, and I am afraid that they’re worse than I think. But when given the opportunity to act out or be afraid? He doesn’t. He constantly surpasses my expectations.He does have a few issues caused by my dad when he was a puppy; Barking at strangers, for example, or people leaning over him, which makes him a bit nervous.He also is not a perfect dog because I’m not a perfect trainer. With the right experience, I think Wander would have already been a fully fledged service dog. But I don’t have that experience; I couldn’t give him that.

If you wanted reasons to go for a border collie as a service dog, there are plenty.They make great dogs if they wash out. They pay attention to you. They’re ready to go whenever you want or need to. They aren’t grooming heavy. They’re not as talkative as some other breeds (Wander for example is near silent). They’re gorgeous, multipurpose dogs.But there are just as many, if not more reasons to go with a golden, or a lab, or a poodle.So my advice, unsolicited as it might be, is to make sure that your reasons, however many there are, are weighed correctly. I had fewer reasons to go with a border collie, but they were more important reasons to me. They weighed more than the reasons I could have chosen another breed.

Next time, I doubt I’ll get a border collie. But for me, with the timing and other concerns I had? A border collie, especially Wander, was the perfect choice.

I’d also definitely rather have a trainer next time, but I’d also have rather had one this time too.

[apokaluptein-archived-blog]

headcanons;; master xehanort is terra’s father

you can’t even rip this headcanon from my cold dead hands---

i have a lot of thoughts about xehanort’s age, his background, and his obsession with immortality/godhood. this is one part theory, thirteen parts headcanon for my interpretation of him. but anyway, i’ve always found it kinda nifty/odd how similar terra and young xehanort look (a lot of that i know is unplanned designing stuff but just work with me here ok--)--i’m not just talking hairstyles, either. they have similar-ish facial structures and identical skin tones (and yes, they do--xeha’s hair just makes his look darker b/c contrast), plus i’m a sucker for the whole “like father, like son” trope which ties nicely in with terra’s story. also, it adds another layer of parallels to all the star wars nerdiness going on in bbs, so yeah. “terra, i AM your father.” “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

at any rate, i also don’t think xehanort is really that much older than eraqus despite appearances in BBS. some people age really well, and others just don’t, plus i theorize that utilizing the darkness as much and as frequently as xehanort has over the years has had a rather detrimental affect to his physical health. in the new kh3 trailers, they’re seen playing chess together in their youth, and xehanort looks like he might be a few years older than eraqus. however, the difference isn’t more than about four years or so. i peg BBS Eraqus and Xehanort at about 55 and 60 or thereabouts, respectively, maybe as young as 50 and 55.

so, if terra is about 19 in BBS and xehanort, at youngest, was around 55, then that would put xehanort as fathering terra at around the age of 36, which is a feasible age to do so. and given xehanort’s overall character, it’s not impossible to imagine that either he was fully aware of the fact terra is his son and never made any acknowledgment of it, or that he left or something happened and xehanort actually isn’t aware of it himself (unlikely he wouldn’t know now with the multiverse thing in play).

anyway, with that out of the way, on to the actual headcanon!

before he became obsessed with the keyblade wars and the x-blade, xehanort spent a good deal of his time traveling the worlds after earning his mark of mastery. he was insatiably curious even after all his time as an apprentice and the adventures he went on during his training, and he disliked staying in one place very long. always, there was more to be learned about the vast world sea and its many islands.

it was on one of these worlds that xehanort met a brilliant woman, whose equally inquisitive and driven nature intrigued him. their relationship was primarily a meeting of minds, and while they were in fact close (physically and emotionally), they were never actually in love. on her world, she was outcast as a witch for her use of “black” magic; she and xehanort met when the locals pegged her as the cause behind the appearance of the heartless, when he came to investigate for himself.

as it turned out, she was a self-dubbed “shadow-worker”--a type of spiritual healer who specialized in deliberately bringing forth the darkness of a person’s heart in a safe, contained environment, so that the individual in question could confront their shadowself and heal from past traumas. fascinated by her capabilities, xehanort lingered for a time after unveiling the true cause of the disturbance on her world. eventually, his wanderlust bade him to move on once more.

though she was far from the first denizen of a world he met that lived such a life--an outcast, daring to break the established order of light over darkness, etc--she was the first in many years to really challenge him intellectually, and introduced the concept of traveling across timelines and universes by way of dreams. xehanort didn’t attempt this until many, many years later.

he left about a month after the affair that sired terra, and it wasn’t until about another month and a half after that that she realized she was pregnant. while she suspected whom the father might be, xehanort never returned to that world and so she never told her son anything about him, figuring as she wasn’t entirely certain herself anyway, it would be pointless and cruel to fill his head with tales of a man who might as well be myth to him.

xehanort did notice some uncanny resemblance upon first meeting terra later on, but by that point, it was more trivial intrigue than anything.

[by-her-posts-blog]

Can Transparency Erase the Caricatures Surrounding Black Women?

She has three personalities: The go-getter, the self-aware angel, and the ‘bitch’. While blossoming into her womanhood she realizes that there is room for all three facets of herself to exists simultaneously. The 21-year-old is focused solely on creating a larger space in society for these personalities to flourish free of judgment.

Caricatures of Black women are everywhere.

We can easily find remnants of ourselves in films, TV shows, commercials, music video, and more recently memes. These depictions have evolved from the black-and-white films of the distressed mammy character who loves her master’s children more than her own or the hypersexual Jezebel who can’t seem to keep her pussy to herself. Nonetheless, these characters have morphed into modern day minstrels that we can now stand to laugh at because no one is dressed in blackface; or so we think?

If you look at modern Black television, you can easily pick apart the character dynamic of the black female cast. Black women play the same role even on TV shows that are supposed to be inclusive to the experiences of Black and brown people. If you look at Issa Rae’s Insecure, you’ll notice the limited narratives that each actress plays. Although there is a level of complexity to each character; at the end of the day they still play up to the stereotypes. 

For instance, take a look at Yvonne Orji’s character Molly. Molly is the independent Black woman out of the group; similar to characters like Toni from Girlfriends, Taraji P. Henson in Act Like a Woman Think Like A Man and every Gabrielle Union role. For Molly to be “independent” she must be a narcissistic, over-achieving, and financially successful woman who emasculates Black men and looks down on those who are not in her tax bracket. Underneath this image exists a woman filled with pain. She wants to be vulnerable but is afraid because she has been conditioned for so long to be independent. She must go on a Hero’s Journey to find out that she can be independent, successful, and vulnerable at the same time. This, of course, must be discovered in the span of 120 minutes because there is a solution (whether good or bad) at the end of every movie. The upside is that these are visualizations that show that it is possible for Black women to have more than one identity. The downside is that the negative caricature sticks more. 

The truth of the matter is that most Black women don’t have time to go on a Hero’s Journey. We don’t have the resources to unlearn years of conditioned behavior.  Instead, we find comfortability in the familiarity of the characters that we see in the media regardless of how detrimental they are.

Balancing three different personalities for her is a full-time job. One that she is still trying to perfect. Her petite frame is packed to capacity with her hopes, dreams, and present-day realities. The bookbag that she carries protrudes out reflecting her 19 credit course-work. She takes a slight pause as she explains the difference between herself- the high-strung future attorney who takes advantage of every opportunity that is given to her, BB- the unfiltered daughter of a Liberian immigrant family who is trying to become more patient- and Beauty, the spiritual being who wants her vulnerability to not be received as a weakness.

It’s difficult.

All three identities are markers of her womanhood. The makeup of each identity reveals the complexity of human nature which is not applied to Black women. Her main identity- independent, brave, and ambitious- is deeply rooted in her upbringing. Growing up in a semi-traditional Liberian American househould allowed her to find her own balance in being a nurturer and a feminist.

“I fought or resisted a lot of gender roles, but everything else wasn't traditional. I remember being like I refuse to wash the dishes if my brother doesn't wash the dishes; like we both gotta learn how to clean. That was like a big thing for me,” she said.

Her womanhood is a wobbly pegged chair of traditionalism and resistance. Though she started developing a voice of resistance the need to take care of everyone around counters some of her refusals. “Just being an immigrant to like really really Liberian parents made me have to like take care of them. Just from the beginning, it was like simple things like people not being able to understand what they say,” she said. 

The need to take care of everyone around her is a behavior trait that she learned from her mother. Her family fled Liberia when she was 3-years-old which made it difficult to maintain kinship with her blood relatives. Despite the disconnect from her homeland; her mother was able to find a mother figure in America which later become a strong grandmother figure for her. Watching her mother take care of her American grandmother created a “bad definition of family” for her. What she’s referring to is the unaltered relationship of taking care of everyone around you except for yourself. The nurturing and caring aspect of herself almost tempted her to adopt her niece at 19-years-old while she was still a child herself. The need to take care of everyone around her does not help the vulnerable Beauty who also needs to be nurtured. Her main personality takes the stage most of the time despite her being ‘highly emotional’ which she admits does not show at all in a lot of what she does.

She shows up in the world like most Black women do- unafraid.

Patriarchy accompanied by racism leaves little room in our everyday lives to be vulnerable in spaces that are not identified as safe. These spaces are often ones that we spend the most time in. Those spaces for her are work, school, and anything that involves people that she cannot trust. The fear of not being received forces her to draw boundaries between her three personalities- mostly because she is still working on allowing them to exists in different spaces simultaneously. “I’m not very used to sharing my feelings with other people. I wrote a lot because of that,” she said.

Learning to isolate those personalities is a defense mechanism that she has adopted in order to survive. However, in the eyes of her counterparts, she is viewed as aggressive and angry. It doesn’t matter that she’s extremely selfless and will give her last to anyone she considers a friend, or that, she’s working to create safe spaces for black and brown children to be themselves because in the eyes of others she is perceived as a caricature.

 Her desire to succeed causes her to sometimes be loud and aggressive to seize the opportunity. These are characteristics that white males are applauded for possessing and even white women are commended for showing a little force when they are going after something that they want. For Black women, this is a necessary tool to be heard. However, the limits that are placed upon us when it comes to identifying ourselves makes it difficult to turn it off. Her “aggression” caused her to lose her footing in a race for student government. She was labeled as “too confrontational” by her white male counterpart who was her running mate.

“It took everything in me not to kind of pop off, not even in a negative way, but just prove my case because I knew that if I were not on the ticket they wouldn’t have a chance of winning,” she said.

No one bothered to challenge him either. The comment left her with more than just a cracked ego- it fractured a huge part of herself that she worked so hard to build. As a result, they lost the election and she suffered from an emotional disconnect.

The side effects of stereotypes include more than just embarrassment; it causes us to view ourselves differently. Growing up Black requires a thick layer of skin. Our loved ones train us on how to avoid racial biases. They teach us that we must work ten times harder. However, what they leave out is the emotional trauma that’s coupled with having to work around racism. Being strong, loud, and assertive are tactics that she had to adopt to adapt, but they’re also key elements of who she is which is something that she realized while trying to cope.

Two things brought her back to reality. First, it was a moment of self-realization. “I had to remind myself who I was. I had to say to myself: ‘you worked so hard to be where you are,’ Taking losses should not take away from what you’ve already proven.” Second, it was her ability to be vulnerable with herself and those around her. She spent the remaining three months sitting in the emotion that we as Black women avoid: sadness. Her support system wrapped her up in words of encouragement to help her get back on track. Still, that little voice inside her head questioned if she was valuable. However, a summer internship silenced it for good. She had the opportunity to work alongside an attorney for the summer. She was the only undergraduate student at the firm working amongst Law school students.

“My work ethic reminded me of just the power that I had, and I don’t think I would have made it if I didn’t have that work,” she admitted honestly.

The position not only restored her personal faith, but it allowed her to love all the pieces to her unique puzzle.

Being able to exist as more than just one person is a difficult task for Black women. It requires confidence, transparency, and a strong community. She is currently working on creating safe spaces within her personal, work, and school life for Black women to be every inch of ourselves. It’s not an easy task, but she is more than capable of achieving it.

All of who she is radiates from her deep cocoa skin. Her confidence sits atop her beautiful bush; her femininity rides along the stride of her walk, and if you look into her brown eyes long enough you can see just how big her heart is.