#15.6 coda

[destiel-love-forever]

15x06 CODA

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It’s the middle of the night when Castiel gets home.

Home .

He sits in his car for a very long time at the thought of that, unsure if it’s accurate. The bunker has been his home for a while now. Dean was his home before that. Now, he’s not sure if either belong to him anymore.

It’s heartbreaking, but it’s his reality, and there are more pressing matters at hand. He rubs at his eyes just in case there’s some grief lingering there. They’ve been burning with it all day. Ever since that phone call. Thankfully, it hasn’t created tears. Not yet.

With a deep sigh to steady himself, Castiel climbs out of his vehicle and heads toward the door. He straightens his trench coat. Adjusts his tie. Runs a trembling hand through his hair. Adjusts his tie again. Realizes it’s backwards. Thinks of Dean fixing it all those years ago. Smiles to himself. Rubs at his burning eyes. Gives up on the tie and pulls his keys out instead.

His key still works, something that brings him an overwhelming amount of relief. He gently opens the door, not wanting to wake Sam and Dean, and slips inside. After the door is locked back up behind him, he makes his way down the stairs and into the main area of the bunker. Nothing has changed. It’s as if he was away for a few days looking into a spell for Rowena or finding a certain angel with key information, now coming back home where he belongs. He would wake up early and cook the boys breakfast. Make them coffee. Let Dean sleep in, because the man deserves it. Do the crossword with Sam in the meantime.

Instead, Castiel thinks it’ll be best if he just hides out in the morning. Wakes up after they’ve all gotten on with their day. Hopefully come across Sam first, because Sam will know how to soften the blow of Dean’s reaction.

Sam’s always been good at that.

“Hello.”

Castiel stumbles to a stop, his hand going to his chest as he turns toward the sound of a distinct voice he could place anywhere. His eyes bulge when he takes in the woman sitting at the map table. “Eileen?”

She smiles. “Yes. Castiel, right?”

“Right. You - it’s,” Castiel walks closer, narrowing his eyes as he waits for a flicker or a mist of cold air. “You’re dead.”

“Not anymore.” She shrugs as if that’s normal. Well, in this life, Castiel supposes that it sort of is. “Sam found a spell Rowena was working on. I didn’t think it would work, but here I am.”

“Here you are. Wow. That’s great.” Castiel matches Eileen’s grin, trying to force his darker thoughts aside. It’s great. It really is. It’s just… Eileen may not have been the person Castiel would have wanted to bring back. Not if this was the spell Rowena explained to him a few weeks ago. Not if this was a one time chance.

Maybe Jack and Rowena wouldn’t have worked, their supernatural powers getting in the way, but Castiel can think of one human he’d do anything to bring back. Someone who could maybe fix everything. Well, almost everything. Mary Winchester wouldn’t be able to bring Jack back, but maybe if Castiel were to get his mother back for him, Dean would forgive him. Maybe even love him again.

It was a long shot, but it was a hope.

Castiel feels like a monster for such thoughts.

“Castiel?”

Castiel startles, having forgotten Eileen was there. “Sorry. Yes?”

“I was just saying I’m glad you’re back home. Dean has missed you.”

“He - I -” Castiel swallows thickly, eyes burning. Gosh… he wishes they would stop burning. “Dean what?”

“He’s missed you. Sam’s been worried sick. All Dean does is sleep, eat, and watch reruns of TV. Won’t get out of his pajamas. Won’t talk about anything. He wouldn’t even go with Sam to find the spell at Rowena’s place.”

“I’m sure he’s having a hard time knowing Chuck is back.”

“No.” Eileen gives him a knowing smile. “Sam was very specific when he explained things. He said, ‘Dean hasn’t been okay since Cas left,’ which, if I understand correctly, was before he found out Chuck was back.”

Castiel shifts awkwardly. “He’s been grieving his mother. And Jack. Trust me, the problem is not with me being gone.”

“Whatever you say.” She stands up, bringing her empty glass with her. Just before leaving for the kitchen, she pauses, looking over at Castiel with a shake of her head. “The two of you… I swear. The world is ending, and you still can’t figure it out.”

“Figure what out?”

“Goodnight, Castiel.”

Castiel furrows his eyebrows, looking down at the floor. “Yes. Goodnight, Eileen.”

Once Castiel hears Eileen put the glass by the sink and walk down the hall - to Sam’s bedroom, interestingly enough - Castiel begins his own journey to bed. He’s exhausted physically and mentally. The idea of his bed makes him nearly groan in pleasure. It took forever for him to find the right mattress - memory foam, because as Dean pointed out, ‘who the hell doesn’t want their bed to remember them?’, but the kind that has cooling gel in it, because sometimes Castiel gets too warm at night. To find the right pillows - not too hard, but not too soft either, the perfect balance so when he lays on his stomach and sprawls out, his neck doesn’t hurt in the morning. To find the right sheets - the satiny kind that feel so amazing against his bare skin, especially after a round of making love with Dean, when his senses are heightened. To find the right blankets - a goose down duvet with a light gray linen cover, an olive green chunky knitted throw folded on the end that reminds Castiel of Dean’s eyes on a summer day, when the sun is shining in them.

Jody’s spare bed was comfortable, and the bed at the cabin he had been renting was adequate, but Castiel’s bed in the bunker is better than heaven - something he can attest to for certain.

That’s why it takes Castiel a second too long to realize something is off when he steps into his bedroom. He was so focused on his excitement to finally be back in his bed that he wasn’t aware someone was in it already. Someone who has been in it many nights before. Someone Castiel truly believed would never be in it again.

Castiel strips slowly, his hands trembling. His trench coat. Then his suit jacket. His tie. His dress shirt. He steps forward as his fingers work his belt. It lands on the floor beside Dean’s cell phone. When he sheds his pants, they pool atop Dean’s hotdog pajamas. Castiel pauses to smile at the sight of them. He had gotten them for Dean last Christmas. The man had grumbled about how they were childish and ridiculous. Apparently someone missed him enough not to care.

That does things to Castiel that he can’t explain.

Just as he slides into the bed, about to reach over for the remote to turn the TV off that Dean must have fallen asleep watching, Dean stirs.

“Cas-?” Dean asks in a groggy but hopeful voice.

“Yes, Dean.”

Dean’s cheeks burn red and he closes his eyes. “Sorry. Couldn’t sleep, ‘n it smells like you here.”

Feeling his heart both break and repair at the same time, Castiel brushes a strand of hair off of Dean’s forehead and nods in understanding. “It’s okay, Dean.”

Then he lays himself down, getting comfortable beside the man he loves. It isn’t until he pulls Dean to his chest, cradling him gently, that Dean manages to speak again. “Should go. ‘M mad at you.”

“I’m mad at you, too,” Castiel says, the words sounding like an apology and an accusation rolled in one. “Go to sleep, Dean. We’ll be mad at each other tomorrow.”

As if the weight of the world lifts off of him, Dean releases a deep sigh and goes lax in Castiel’s arms. The only thing still tensed is his hands, which are digging viciously into Castiel’s back, making it clear he’s not allowed to go anywhere.

Castiel doesn’t plan on it. There’s nowhere else in the world he’d rather be. This is home. This is where he belongs.

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[destiel-love-forever]

15.6 Thoughts

I didn’t do one of these last week, because there was just... so much. But I need to do one this week, because we got Dean & Cas interacting, and that’s too beautiful (yet heartbreaking) not to discuss. 

I’m not splitting things up in things my feelings don’t like/do like, because let’s be honest, it all hurts at this point:

Yes.. thanks for starting off the episode by showing the two most depressing/heart-wrenching scenes from the season so far. I really appreciate having to re-watch the break-up and Rowena’s death. Thanks CW. Thanks. 

Dean’s robe & hot dog PJs - & him doing nothing but eating cereal and binge watching TV. Poor baby is so depressed... but at least he’s doing it in style. 

Speaking of cereal - Dean loving the dad jokes on the back of the cereal box. He’s so cute sometimes. 

Cas going by the name Clarence & being a ‘regular’ at the shop

Cas has been fishing!! 

Oh my god this hurt my heart in the best way. Him trying different baits and such, eyebrows pulled in as he tries to solve this problem of the fish

“I had a friend who always praised fishing for its meditative qualities... wish I found it more relaxing” - now I just want to see the two of them fishing together. Can that just be how the season ends? Screen goes black for a second, then pans in to show the two of them on the dock, fishing? Sam and Eileen off in the background in a kayak on the lake? 

Cas stumbling upon a case like a true Winchester. 

Poor Cas getting stuck with a case that’s all about losing sons like he lost Jack

EILEEN!!!!!!!!

Cas being SO UNIMPRESSED that the sheriff isn’t there because “he gets his haircut on Tuesday” - his face. It’s fantastic. 

Cas getting all sassy with the sheriff, correcting him with that growled “special agent”

THIS WHOLE SCENE TBH

Giving Dean’s number as the supervisor

Cas’s grunt and MAJOR eye roll when Dean wants to talk to him, hesitating before answering. 

Cas’s “Hello” “I know” “Nope” responses, all clipped and monotone, making damn sure Dean is aware that Cas is still extremely upset.

&& even though Dean is being his usual sarcastic/asshole self, he still can’t help but add in the ‘so watch yourself’ & ‘check your damn messages’ because he’s just so damn in love with him and misses him and cares about him - and possibly has some messages of his own that Cas hasn’t listened to. & Dean cares so fucking much. Telling Cas to be careful, telling Cas he NEEDS him to be careful, without saying it outright. 

&& can we talk about Cas’s face when Dean hangs up? & that little knuckle rub against his eye... there goes my heart. Yup. There it is. Gone. 

& I’d be a hypocrite if I don’t point out the small (or perhaps very large) part of me that enjoyed the little flash of dom Dean/sub Cas there with the “yes sir”

Rowena journaling

Sam defending himself by adding “her idea!” after admitting “I killed her”

I’m SO HERE FOR DETECTIVE!CAS with his table full of files and his loosened tie and trench coat missing and the red marker tucked behind his ear. So here for that. Sexy. 

Dean putting superglue in Sam’s toothpaste when they were younger

CAS NEEDS TO BE MORE CAREFUL WITH HIS DAMN GRACE. As badass as it was for him to take those shots, looking all hot and angry as he stalks toward the monster, that’s grace he’s burning. && then he stabs him - which, by the way, he stabbed him so many times, and he looked so sad after, and I just wanted to give him a hug - && then he heals the boy’s ankle, burning more grace, which clearly caused pain... what an idiot. A brave, sexy, badass, heroic, idiot. 

“You believe your power will protect you, but it won’t protect you from me” - that line was just beautiful, on so many different levels

“I’ll grind your heart to dust”

Good luck, bitch. Dean’s heart is already there! All of ours are! 

Elieen being back!! Yaaaaaaay. & Sammy being all respectful and keeping his back to her, and then that little hand hold, and Sam’s slow smile. I’m dead. 

Cas - “If I stay, nothing changes. It’s time for me to get back in the game.” 

YEEEEEEEEEES!!!! 

That pep talk at the end. Dean admitting “I don’t know what’s God and what isn’t, and it’s driving me crazy” & Sammy pointing out “we’re the guys that break the rules - but I can’t do it without you”

Then Sam saying “I need my brother.” 

This isn’t just powerful on its own, Sam admitting to needing Dean, begging Dean to be there for him, to do what he’s always, but it’s also powerful because (as we’ve already discussed) the Winchesters say ‘I need you’ instead of ‘I love you’ - & that’s just... have I mentioned I’m dead? Because I am. 

Side note: I’m SO UPSET that’s where the episode ends. Cas says he’s going back, and then they DON’T SHOW HIM COMING BACK!?!?1

- Well, guess I know exactly what I’ll be writing for the CODA. Stay tuned <3