#100% will delete it eventually bc i do not like to be perceived too much

[all-of-your-mercy]

bear w/ me on how i draw bc i just recently got my display tablet... random sketches, some wb related + ms paint art of a friends oc.....

[blue-banditt]

I'm stealth at work was outed to my coworkers on Friday by a security worker, who— despite the fact that my security badge and computer security profile both have my name at the top and in bold (my badge only has my chosen name)— decided to use my legal name to get my attention / ask which one of us was [deadname] so she could talk to me about how my badge was expired or whatever.

So, yk, I had to identify myself when they asked for me. And my coworkers were all like "what?? 🤨 [Deadname]??" Like they were all confused and one asked if it was my last name and I was kinda just standing there like 😶‍🌫️😶 I really just wanted to delete their memories. Bc ik if they didn't get it RIGHT then, they were going to eventually put two and two together, it was only a matter of time. And they have.

I spent that entire day afterward paranoid as hell. I was hoping to the gods they would forget about it and write it off as something weird or none of their business and not think too far into it.

Because— while nobody's been blatantly transphobic to me so far, which I'm extremely grateful for— when a cis person finds out you're trans; no matter how much they respect you, or believe in trans rights, or "see" you as a man, no matter how much you pass; the first thing in their head when they see you or think about you becomes "this person was born female and has female genitalia and is a biological female that looks like a man" (whether or not those specific words get thought or just the concept, it's still there always in the back of their head now when they perceive you)

they become subconsciously scrutinizing about every little detail about you that could possibly be proof of that reality, and instead of it being perceived as a normality for a cis man who might be a bit feminine, it now becomes a little tiny thing that will make them perceive you as a little tiny bit more female. And they will subconsciously start treating you as more female. I've literally experienced this happening firsthand. The difference between being perceived as cis and as a trans man is so fucking insane.

we get held to such high standards. If we want to be seen as MEN, we can't be feminine in the same ways men are allowed to be. We get seen as "not enough of a man" or "no longer a man" whereas cis men will get seen as "weak" or "a sissy" or "perverted"— which isn't a good thing— but nobody will sit there and dispute the fact that they have a dick and balls. Id rather be seen as a sissy with a dick and balls than a fake man with a vagina.

Anyway. So now I'm no longer seen as a cis man. The men at my job are more standoffish, less open and welcoming to me. The one woman who works with me started talking to me about period stuff and women's problems like I understand and relate to her. I've been accidentally misgendered multiple times today despite the fact that, previous to being outed, NOBODY doubted the fact that I was a cis man, no matter how femininely I presented (long hair, painted nails, I even wear a sports bra when my binders are in the laundry bc my chest honestly isn't that noticable anyway, they still never doubted me.)

The accidental misgendering really gets me, it's PROOF that they don't see me as a cis man, that they now perceive me as a female cosplaying a man.

I'm grateful they respect me, respect my choices, haven't been intrusive about it, BUT FUCKING HELL JUST TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING CIS MAN PLEASE THATS ALL I WANT

Nothing about me has changed, and yet they treat me like a completely fucking different person.

I really, really can't wait until I can be 100% stealth. I'm so tired of just waiting for the day people find out I was "lying" to them, being paranoid everyday they can tell, and having to be incredibly self conscious and overcompensate once they do find out. It's so dysphoria inducing and it makes me genuinely consider completely leaving this place just so I can find somewhere else where people don't know and will treat me like I'm cis.

Im gonna quit my job and find a new one where nobody knows I'm trans

[rhinointherain]

26-8-2020

the high hasn’t really hit me yet (its been a few minutes so yeah kind of weird, longer than usual probably, but also not that weird for me bc both i and a***** have noticed that it takes a lot longer for weed to affect me than it does for the average person, i think it is starting to kick in anyway), but i wanted to say first of all that earlier today even though i hadnt smoked at all i noticed myself having some thoughts on the similar type of abstract ideas that i get while high and thinking I should journal them, i didnt because i’m starting to come down firmer on the decision that i will only make any of these types of entries after having smoked at least once that “day” (as in since waking up in the morning, not like a 24 hour period), considering i did smoke twice yesterday and not being a very little physically active person it might have to do with thc still being in my body, but it also might be that doing these journal entries has made me more eager and better equipped to engage with those abstract ideas which i think is cool (although it is important to ask the question of whether it actually has made any tangible difference in how and why i interact with those ideas or whether i just want there to be one), but it also might be that i was reading that terence mckenna book

((actually it was all three of these reasons and also the infinite reaches of every other infinite reason that put me in this specific “multiverse”/version of existence, those three were just the main ones i at first subconsciously perceived to be important enough to type and then after typing them consciously evaluated to be important enough that i would not delete them and instead elaborate on them further. but i feel like I’ve discussed this enough by now that this is readily apparent)

what were those abstract thoughts i wanted to write down is another question because when i decided not to write them down i thought ok well then ill be sure to remember what they were and pick up my phone and write all this immediately after i smoke but the problem is that it takes a little while to type it all up and i forgot them before i had finished writing all that introduction

i should explain better the path that my thoughts have been taking from my mind to their final written form so far in these journal entries but first i want to talk about something else

which is that

(include something explaining why you feel the need to inject these sad excuses of teenage tumblr poetry in between the actual interesting shit you usually like to focus on in these entries)

okay do i still want to write about what i was about to say? also maybe it would be more productive to wait until sober to explain the processes in which these entries are formatted

yeah i do bc one of the reasons i do these lame ones is that they can act for me as a healthy emotional release okay so anyway i wanna be, and this is coming straight from the pathos slash animalistic sensory-propelled part of my brain not anywhere near the rational thought-propelled one, i right now wanna be like a a girl in a movie or story about some like lame emo dude who smokes cigarettes and the movie is just a bunch of slow panning over like a rainy city and theres shoegaze in the background (im thinking about like lost in translation or something BUT EXCEPT the dude isnt bill murray the dudes like a young guy who only someone like me would find attractive (but there are a lot of people like me) who like reads proust or some shit i dont know) and MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL fuck that’s what i’m trying to say i didn’t actually need to type all this shit i just forgot that that term existed for a sec well anyway yeah thats what i want to be, seeing as this concept and the importance of attaining it as a woman has been drilled into my head by media which my brain had been heavily impressed with during its most impressionable ages (that being my adolescence), where and how did that impression happen ie was it absorbed into the deep subconscious reaches and now resides with the animal/sensory part of my brain who has classed the desire to fulfill this idealized image as a sensory/survival need, or does it come in from the opposite side and instead its like a desire that comes from higher conscious and or subconscious cognitive understanding formed from the human brains complex analysis of every input it gets through the web of social norms and evaluations and memories and everything that makes up what the brain understands everything to be. how are the two even different. they arent because nothing is different everything is just one infinity inside of itself and i write this same thought down a lot because of its essentiality but i havent been conveying it in a well thought out enough way for sober me to fully grasp its importance. eventually i should dedicate more effort to this particular idea but thats a big undertaking and i have been too lazy to attempt it so far

fuck like i just want the guy to be like standing by himself at the weird french new wave club or something thinking about how disconnected he is from society or whatever the fuck and then he sees me whos like 100 lbs and i have an unconventional haircut and either im like dancing uninhibitedly (representing the innocent and childlike perspective our jaded protagonist needs to offset his disillusionment with society) or im also standing all alone smoking a cig and maybe even reading like [first 20th century philosopher that comes up under suggested results when you type proust’s name into google] ha ha ha im so funny do you see what im doing here im deconstructing the stereotypical indie movie that people on the internet make fun of because genuinely liking it had become too mainstream im sure no one has ever thought of this before as a comedic bit anyway i had this whole other thing about it too like she goes in his car with him and they smoke and exchange like 4 sentences but u can still tell shes the perfect for him bc shes sexy and has pink hair or something i dont know anyway i was just thinking about how i wanna be that.

like wouldnt it be nice to not actually have any thoughts in your head your whole job is to be pretty but not know that youre pretty because apparently you dont fit the societal convention of beauty except you pretty much do in every way except that you like have green eyes instead of blue and you dont wear high heels or something and thats all you have to do you only exist to fulfill some dudes fantasy and if you fulfill that fantasy you’ve reached the ultimate purpose in life and don’t have to worry about accomplishing anything else or pleasing anyone else, maybe thats why some people become super religious because isn’t it pretty much the same exact concept like your ultimate goal is to become jesus’s manic pixie dream girl, or buddha’s maybe i don’t know i am embarrassingly uninformed about eastern religions

i’m already not really very high anymore that’s disappointing bc i finally actually took a bong rip by myself in what felt like the correct way to do it eg it didnt make me cough but i guess it wasn’t the correct way after all i guess me not coughing just meant i didnt get enough in my lungs godsh damn it