#100% real concept art guys trust me (lying)

[fatesealer505]

A little something something maybe mayhaps by chance perchance homeslice breadslice ykyk

(Dont mind his face he had a stomach bug D: )

Oh yeah there’s this too ig…. /j

Uh. This was fun to make. I hope you have fun staring at him. Unfortunately he wins the staring contest but THATS BESIDE THE POINT

guys i got my school schedule today!!!!

[tumblunni]

I had a weird dream last night that there was like a new sequel comic made by the Bobobobo Bo-Bobo guy and it was calld ‘Blind Nya’ (???) and it was officially licensced by sega and then there was a scene of eggman in Garnet cosplay doing a fusion dance with Don Patch

Also another dream where I was equally convinced that a thing existed, but it was less funny this time and more So Mundane That I Wonder Why I Dreamed This. It was just some sort of anime dating sim that i thought was Ehh kinda average, like i was living in an alternate world where this had been a part of my childhood that was so boring i forgot. I think it was called ‘Goodbye Mayfly’, and in context my dream-mind was trying to remember the word Wallflower, i think? Anyway you are An Anime High School Girl and Date Some Cliche Strait Dood Archetypes. But I think also there was something with a parallel world that was magic?

Like I think I was possibly taking inspiration from the manga Dream Saga Takamahagara (hope I spelled that right) which was actually a very unknown thing that I liked when i was a young kid. (First ever canon trans character I ever saw in anything!) Anyway the plot of that manga is that everyone has a parallel self in a magical mirror fantasy world, and when you dream in our world you wake up there and vice versa. Protagonist was the only one with the power to remember our world when she went to that world, at the cost of not having a parallel life over there so she was totally lost and needed to have her parallel friends explain all the worldbuilding to her. But they didn’t remember her and she had to win their trust again until they awakened as part of the super duper hero team and gained magical girl powers and stuff. then save de world!! Also everyone was lil kids in real world and bishie magical girl/boy type characters in fantasy world, so it had that cool element of ‘wow i wonder what i’ll be like when i grow up and get to have grown up adventures’. (Ha.. ha... kids, the real grown up adventures are just paying gas bills and stuff, don’t idealize us...) And also there was one character whose fantasy world self was a girl and like in the real world she was ‘a boy who wants to be a girl’, and just it was nice to see a trans character explained in rather simple terms for kids, even if also sometimes the portrayal wasn’t 100% perfect. man I wish i could read that story again but its so hard to find the books! i never even got to see what the ending is...

ANYWAY BACK TO THE DREAM So it was a dating sim in that sort of setting, but the mirror world was just a very boring cliche alice in wonderland ripoff instead of the cool desert setting from Dream Saga that combined japanese and indian mythology. And it was just something like you were a princess and everyone else was a prince of a different kingdom and then you had basically the same dynamic as you did in real life high school? So it was just like ‘your choices in real life high school have way more importance and you’ll have an even bigger happy ending’, cos you’d unify some fantasy kingdoms. And then i (sadly) don’t rememember if any of the other princes got to be cool fantasy races or anything, but if I could make this game for real then they TOTALLy would be! Hug your shy and nice ogre boyfriend!! get swept off your feet by the king of bunny boy kingdom! (I am still so pissed that i saw concept art of the Viera race in FF12 as a both genders non sexualized thing, like it makes me even madder to know they wasted a good idea instead of always intending it to be the bad version...) Also I think the game actually had some character customization, and in the dream i was like ‘man this is the only good part of this’. It was kinda basic tho, you just selected from five or so preset appearances for your protag and all of them were white, lol. But it was interesting cos the appearance selection also corresponded to what elemental affinity your fantasy kingdom would have! And you had different kinds of elemental fairy wings. Also i recall that all the selection pictures for the different elements had the protag doing some sort of weird model pose while a lot of terrible ps1 era particle effects floated in the background. Like a non sexualized version of this random character from Monster Rancher: (have a good laugh at the badly translated profiles, lol)

And then like I never got to actually play the game before I woke up? I was just on the character creator screen complaining about how I’d apparantly played it before and I knew that half of the elemental options were essentially unuseable due to bad gameplay balance. Like there wasnt any battle or anything, the element just determined your starting boosts and penalties to social stats you needed to romance all the doods. And apaprantly some stats were easier to gain than others, so certain boosts were essentially useless and certain penalties made the game almost unwinnable. I think I always still picked those broken options tho, cos I was more interested in picking the character i thought looked coolest rather than winning the game. Also all of the dudes weren’t very fun to romance, apparantly! I remember that dream-me was really annoyed about the ‘chair kicking scene’? Like, there was one character who was an immature bully in highschoolverse and then he was supposed to be the super rich and noble prince that’s the best ending in the fantasyverse. One of those ‘oh i was just bullying you cos i liked you’ plots of a jerkass boyfriend who never even apologizes or anything. And the last straw for me was when he kept kicking your chair during class and then lying to get you in trouble when you told the teacher about it. I was like ‘wtf dude, you’re THAT immature? aren’t you supposed to be 16??’ And I think I was mad cos he had turquoise hair and I liked his character design but he was a douche.

Just like how I was annoyed playing Spirited Heart Deluxe cos Frebo has a cool design and is a sarcastic funnyman but then he’s also supposed to be an adult and you’re a teenager and its Creepy. (the damn art style makes everyone look like a teenager, how was I meant to see that coming??) And like yeah, I know that the game keeps going for like six years but there isn’t anything in play to make it so that you can’t marry him until after you’re of legal age and all. And he’s still got a huge age difference even if you wait til the end of the game to tie the knot, and its still a teacher-student thing thats kinda creepy... Oh and randomly I found a site that has pics of all the different job costumes in that game! Good so you can see how awkward it is to try and tell age, cos like your height seems to vary depending on which one you pick, lol.. And while I’m going off on this tangeant I may as well ramble about how its funny that the gay DLC expansion pack had so much of an art improvement that it makes it look weird in comparison. (All those routes were way better written too!) Also I’m still sad that the sequel got cancelled, but its funny how Frebo looks EVEN MORE younger than you! Damn u game why u confuse me with elf dads

[syntheticaesthetic]

50 More interesting questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

I was tagged by @praxid!

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: I’m sort of picky about texture. Not big on things that are sort of gelatinous - so no jello for me. I’m also not big tropical fruit person so I don’t like pineapple or most melons.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Brushing my hair. It mats up while in a braided bun as I sleep. It takes hours to brush out. 

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I don’t have any talents really.

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Film/photography/writing.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: Melissa McBride, Sonequa Martin-Green, Andrew-Lee Potts, Kit Harrington, Karen Gillan, David Tennant, Scarlett Johansson, Jamie N Commons, Danai Gurirra, Donald Glover, Milla Jovovich, Tatiana Maslany, I should top. I find lots of people pretty. 

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Reading, interneting, hitting my brother with sticks and getting hit back.

7. What is something you’re proud of?: I decided I wasn’t going to let another student film festival go uncaptioned at my college. I was the only one who captioned every film and I don’t think anyone has captioned the film festivals since, but I know that there were a few students that were able to attend the festival I did because they felt welcome for once. Fuck the kids who bitched about the captioning, it wasn’t for you.

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Lying. For fuck’s sake just tell the truth. Also, don’t be cruel or intolerant of people’s differences or differences of opinion. Fuck you, there’s room for everyone and everyone’s thoughts. 

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?:  I’m a leader when I feel I must be - if absolutely no one else will step up, but I much prefer being a follower.

10. What kind of student are/were you?: I worked harder than anyone else to achieve mediocre status. 

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: I told someone I liked a wristband/sweatband they were wearing and we became fast friends. I picked a school based on school colors. I followed my roommate to an ASL club meeting because she wanted me to get out of the dorm. I got a tumblr hahah. Honestly though the people I’ve met on tumblr have saved me so thank you.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: Eyes - I don’t like eye drops, people touching their eyes, eye things happening in movies. I don’t like spiders. I’m still a little afraid of the dark. 

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: Tim Wright,  Jay Merrick, Clint Barton, Abby Maitland, Connor Temple, VERONICA MARS, Jessica Jones, 

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I get the munchies. And giggly. And sleepy. And I desire Left 4 Dead. Its my drunk video game. 

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: I fall in love with concepts. I fall in love with characters. I fall in love with every dog I meet. But I’ve never had the opportunity to fall in love with a person. I love my friends, but I think that’s a different question? 

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend.

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: I’m a neat-freak who has given up. Dog hair will never be eradicated. I don’t have the energy to clean the way I want. My mind is too chaotic and I need clutter around me or I feel uncomfortable. Weirdly enough I was watching a documentary on Carrie Fisher and her mother, and I saw Carrie’s house and went “that’s me!” It seemed that her house was that way because of her bipolar status. I’m not bipolar but I do have major crippling anxiety and I think I clutter and throw art and things all over the walls as some sort of comforting mechanism. I’m unable to decorate like Adults do - I can’t do minimalism. It stresses me out. 

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: Pacific northwest. Woods near a big lake or the ocean. Older farmhouse with brick and reclaimed wood. I have a room decorated in my usual chaos. There’s a bay window big enough for me and Ruby to both be on it at the same time. Its raining and the fall leaves are piled on the ground. I have candles and incense burning. Good music. Maybe a friend sitting on the computer next to me. There’s coffee and marionberry pie. Its october and everything is foggy and spooky and gentle and calm. Its probably sunday.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: I don’t have any human kids. I like them, I think they’re funny. I’d want some if I was confident in my ability to care for them and raise them right and take care of them in all the ways they deserve.

20. What was your favorite book as a child? Harry Potter. To find something that not everyone else my age would say....Everything’s Eventual?

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: Undertale. Its fine but I can’t get into it in the way everyone else does. 

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: Films on YouTube by indie filmmakers.

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: Andrew-Lee Potts during the early days of Keychain Productions. Blood On Benefits made me want to make films, and I think spending a month with him working on all those short films would have made me actually live my dream rather than giving up on it. 

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: I want to make films. I want to write an original story. Maybe make a video game? I want to make something. Do some crafting. Meet someone and actually date them. I’d like to have a kiss at some point, to see what that’s like. Have friends that live nearby that I can see frequently. 

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: No! Opinions are dangerous and people don’t like having friends that have different opinions than them, and I’d never have friends because I either don’t share the same opinions or I don’t feel strongly about my opinions. I’m very open to having people change my opinions. I’m not married to them. Please change my mind, I like thinking about things in a new way. But I am not going to share my opinions because it just causes so many fights among people - I just don’t feel safe doing it. 

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: I’m sure it was fashion related but honestly I don’t care to think too hard about it. 

27. What��s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: Only doing eyeliner on my bottom lids?

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: True empathy. The ability to have practical skills that help people. 

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): Hmmm....nerdy things? I mostly get gifts from Tumblr friends because we share fandoms so while the fandoms vary its usually homemade things based on our favorite things. And bless you all for it too - As my mom could tell you I beam for weeks upon receiving your guys gifts! I wish I could repay the kindness!

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: I can do some really basic ASL. I used to do some basic spanish but that was many many years ago and I don’t think it would come back easily.

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Woods, middle of. I need my million dogs and my lots of land and fresh air. 

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: the MCU lol

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: Being the center of attention gives me anxiety.

34. Favorite holiday?: SPOOKY SCARY

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: My anxiety demands I have plans. Now, those plans are allowed to change, but I need to start with plans. 

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): No.

37. What hobbies do you have?: Internet. Fanfiction writing (hahahahahaha). Photography. When my hand heals I wanna do leatherworking.

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: I just want to know what my dog is thinking. So a superpower that lets me know what dogs are thinking/saying?

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: Could someone answer this for me? Because I don’t think anyone’s ever given me feedback on this one. 

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That I needed to do something about my anxiety. It gave me so many health problems and kept me from living my life. 

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: I’ve slammed my head against giant rocks. Hurt my knee in volleyball.

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Weirdly enough, not really! Post-nuclear apocalypses maybe? http://althistory.wikia.com/wiki/1983:_Doomsday was something I spent weeks immersed in to the detriment of my mental health.

43. Describe your sense of humor: Sarcastic, bitter, shitty puns? 

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: 80s? Goth scene, I could have seen Depeche Mode and The Cure in their prime. 

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: life

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: Being a shitty friend. Now I know how to not be that shitty?

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Gimme that face tattoo.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: I like to think pessimistically so that if its true I’m not surprised but if it turns out better I can be pleasantly surprised!

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: That they genuinely loved me and that I made a difference in their life. 

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: I don’t know........ How bone achingly lonely I am? Maybe someone can help me out on this one too. I don’t know if anyone really “understands” me - I don’t communicate my mindset well. 

I’m tagging: @gallifreystands @the44thpilot @autumnxtoxashes @ms-fagerstrom @marionarnold

[angry--tiresia]

Why I’m fucked up [part 1]

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’

YES THIS IS ME OVERSHARING

There’ll be 3 parts I think;

1) I always feel stupid

2) I always feel ugly

3) I always feel unwanted

So;

1) Me feeling stupid. In primary school I was bullied, nothing big, a beating here and there but mostly just threats and repeated public humiliation. This made me hate everything to do with school and I don’t think I ever studied for a single test, however it was a rich afrikaans school, and this is an incredibly important point, being in a good school makes it hard to do badly. So even though I did terribly in comparison to my classmates, compared to most people from worse schools I did great. That obviously didn’t matter and I was constantly laughed at for my marks. 

Then I decided to change environment to an artschool, started acting classes a week before the audition, and I got in. This school used to accept 10% of applicants based on their audition and every other person in my class had been acting for years and had usually starred in at least one piece of commercial media - I was totally out of my depth and had a lot to catch up, and was again, continually humiliated for my inability to just know what to do. But by the end of the four years I kind of knew what I was doing and it was acknowledged, but by then I’d had years of insecurity buidling up. 

Now this school was amazing for the arts, heck even Charlize Theron went there, but in every other aspect it was truly horrible, with teachers blatantly lying to students. For maths, I could count the number of problems we did in a year on one hand. I was best friends with someone who worked 8 hours every day, so they did well, but from primary school - [and an initial month or so in the begining of high school where no teacher would translate single words in test questions/content because I was learning the language] - I knew that I was too stupid to ever reach that point. So they too humiliated me nearly every day, sometimes with a bit of a crowd, for how stupid I was. In grades 10 and 11 my maths teacher called me in at least once a week to tell me that I really don’t have enough intelligence for pure mathematics, and I should rather do mathematical literacy.

But I wanted to become immortal, to get to a point where I was better than I am now, and to do that I’d have to do biology, at a good uni, so I needed maths, and in matric my dad finally convinced me to do some work and I ended up getting the second best marks in my class, with my best friend [whom I was obviously inferior to] got the best marks of anyone in years. 

So I got into a good uni for science. But I wanted to prove to everyone for once and for all that I wasn’t an idiot, so though I did biology I also did pure physics and pure maths. And here’s a part to understand, for the past five years I’d been taught crap for maths. And doing maths trains your brain to do maths, it trains you to think in a certain way, and not only was I in class with people that had come from schools that had reputations and were significantly better than mine. And not only that, but the vast, vast majority of them had taken subjects in high school that I had never heard of, ones that had covered essentially the entire first year of mathematics. Throughout this year I was repeatedly laughed at and called an idiot. And even my closest friends would make jokes, for years afterwards, about my stupidity, the only comfort for 3 years being from my best friend [and fp for those that understand bpd] ; “It’s not your fault you made friends with clever people”. 

In second year I decided to do physics instead of biology, but at that point the people in my class had again, done applied mathematics in first year, something that was not required but was assumed knowledge for physics, and again, I cannot emphasis enough, it trains their brains to solve that kind of problem, and be more malleable to learn solve those kinds of problems. Objectively at this point I was years and years behind everyone else. It was during this time that my best friend again made a joke that for some reason goes in the book of things that people have said that completely change the way I see the world, myself and the way I act - it was that moment that I was finally convinced that, yes, after almost 14 years of being told I was stupid on a near daily basis, that I was in fact stupid. Even before this, the opinions of people outside my field didn’t matter to me because all my degree was was a mask to hide my stupidity, and I knew fully that any of them could do everything a million times better. 

I have tried to fix this, but it’s impossible, I’m to this day seen to be the stupidest person in my friend group, most recently we were at a restaurant and someone made a comment of “who would be the most likely to invent teleportation” and everyone pointed at my best friend, [except said best friend who pointed at me, n’caaw]. Someone said “But [referring to me] has a degree in physics” To which the response obviously is “But [best friend] has the brain for it”. 

And my favorite thing is to hear people say “You shouldn’t care about what people think” when they’ve been showered with affirmation for years. The best I’ve gotten is my room mate saying “No, you’re not stupid”, in the same way you would tell a dog “Oh you’re a good boy” and my best friend [only in the past year and a bit] saying “I think you’re smart”. And my parents, and I can’t deny the solid base they gave me, but a solid base can only take you that far.

My second favourite thing to hear is, upon asking for help [which takes nth level courage btw] “I don’t know any better than you” when they’ve literally already made the most perfect decisions or answers for that exact question and you’re entirely lost cause you don’t have 4+ years of direct experience in that field/thing because this is the first time in your life you’re seeing it. 

And logically I can see why I feel the way I do. The moment I get good at something I drop it to throw myself into a field that I know nothing about. At the end of high school I auditioned for the new york film academy, and at the time they had no bursaries for South African kids, but they wanted me so badly they sent a million letters to a million sponsors to try get my tuition paid for, but my audition had been live and no bursary came. At the end of my physics degree I went to one of the professors that I thought wasn’t too horrible, and I pitched an idea to him about how to model the fundamental forces in a more unified manner, to which the response was ‘It sounds amazing and innovative, but I simply don’t know enough to be able to tell you anything more’, and had to send me to an expert in the field, who liked the idea enough to want to make me do a project that would lead into it for a masters project, unfortunately I couldn’t. Or my current supervisor, upon hearing my ideas on the possibilities of time travel offered to write me a recommendation letter to the most prestigious theoretical physics institute in the world.

But instead of pursuing any of that I’m throwing myself into software engineering, again, a field I know nothing about, where I will be laughed at and humiliated for not knowing.

And what’s shattering about it all is the way it changes the way I interact. Earlier this year a friend said “I’m going to see a Wagner opera - you’ve probably never heard of him” and instead of replying “No, actually I know Wagner’s work pretty intimately, I can’t agree with the directing style he pioneered, nor his style, however his concept of the ubermensch really inspired me for a while”, I said “yeah, I don’t know much. I think I might have heard his name before” Because, lets be real, they almost definitely know so much more than me. 

Or last year I was on set with friends and someone was constructing a grid and they simply wanted to know that if they had [say] 20 tiles and the grid had to be 4 tiles wide, how many layers deep the grid would be. They were 100% in arts and honestly didn’t know how to do it, and in front of a small group of people they asked me, as they knew I was a final year astrophysics - physics major. But in that moment I was too insecure to be able to lift my voice to divide 20 by 4. So I rather said “No, ask [this friend] they know better”

I’m terrified of giving my opinion because I know chances are that it’s wrong, because I’m stupid, and the person I’m telling will know better, and they will see my mistake, and they will make fun of me. AND  when I do gain the confidence to give my opinion, usually only to the people very closest to me, they will stop listening to me halfway through my sentence, and I would end it with “Oh, you’re right, no one cares”, and not a single person has ever noticed. Most notably [because I suffer from jealousy when it comes to this person] was when me and my best friend were out, but she was talking to this guy on her phone [someone I’m jealous of for the attention she gives him - I’ll get to his in the ‘unwanted’ section], and eventually she clearly felt bad for straight up ignoring me [lol this is actually seen as abuse towards people with bpd] she said that they were talking about the ethics of supporting a politician who’s personal life contradicts his policy - and, other than being totally jealous of the ability to have such a conversation - she asked for my opinion. So I gave my first point of his policy affecting more people than his personal life so I’d vote for them, to which she responded that ‘he can’t be trusted to stick to his policy if he doesn’t believe in it’. I was a full sentence into my reply when she looked down at her phone and started to message him, and it was just, once again, such a thorough “Lol your opinion doesn’t matter cause you’re stupid and who cares, but his on the other hand” As a safety check I again ended with “Oh yeah you don’t care” with no response. And this also, not from her spesifically, happens about once a week, perhaps once every two weeks, but if we’re going with this week I think we’re going on 3 already and it’s monday.

So, my final note is, why would I feel anything but stupid? On some logical level I want to say that I know I’m not stupid; but it never feels like that, and in addition to that, what evidence is there that I’m not stupid? There is literally none, and significant, 14+ years, worth of proof that I’m an idiot. 

Also sorry for grammar/spelling typos, I’m really tired. 

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’