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vacationcalendar · 3 years

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8/15/21

Missed another day. Felt sickly, bailed on everything. God, I really hope I’m sick, in the traditional sense. I’ve unfortunately begun to invite the idea that I’ve got cancer or something, and that’s why I feel this way. So I hope I’m sick, for my sake. Because if this thing ends up being a big deal, my “wait it out until it goes away or I die” approach is gonna feel a little foolish.

It’s a couple things. It’s that sickly energy. That lethargy that feels unexpected, that 10 hours of sleep without making some big plan for that. Like, I feel like if I’m feeling gassed (I can’t think of the word I’m looking for here. Crushed? Fucked? Tuckered? no. Goosed? It might actually be goosed, even though I’m looking at it right now, and that can’t be the right word. It might just be the one I’m thinking of. Oh well) and I acquiesce to sleep real early, and then I STILL sleep til like 9:45; I take that as my body needed sleep and was using it well. Like, if I was just indulging my bored impulses to bail on life and wait for something interesting to happen, I’d find myself becoming restless at some point. I’d cap out on my sleep bucks. But since I’m not, I’m inclined to trust my instincts here. So that’s a point for “sick.”

I’ve also got some sneezing happening. And the general malaise. And instead of cramming liquids and fruit, I have instead done absolutely nothing. So these are all good signs actually. I WANT to be sick. The alternative at this point is that something is seriously wrong with me, and that would fucking suck. That’s not the Fun-employed I signed up for. The point I’m referring to that isn’t pointing directly towards sick is extremely obvious to the me writing this right now, but for posterity’s sake, allow me to describe it. It’s a certain sensitivity on my skin on only the right side of my head. Not my face, my head. It starts at the right side of my face and ends at nearly the center of the back of my head. And on the Y-axis it starts at right around the top of my ear and all the way to halfway down my neck. That sector of my body is EXTREMELY sensitive. Sensitive to the point of feeling pain like a sunburn or rug burn from seemingly any form of contact. Craning my neck around actually is enough to irritate it. You can only imagine that some of my more “intense” activities of wearing headphones and lying down on my side on a pillow are causing me the most concern right now.

Actually I just scratched the side of my head right now just to see, and it was so extreme of a sensation that I could tell my brain partially blocked it out. This is so weird. I am constantly checking every inch of the affected area for some sort of bump or abnormality, like maybe a spider bit the side of my head and this is my body’s reaction to that. I keep thinking, wow I wonder if anti-histamines would instantly solve this, and then in a week’s time it will subside. But I don’t have anti-histamines, I’ve never needed them. That circumstance has never happened to me in my life. So why would it come into play out of nowhere right now? Also, a quarter of my head? Really? I got some allergic reaction just on a 4″ by 4″ section on one side of my head? Where did that part of my head go that would have suffered some sort of rash that the rest of my body would manage to avoid? (My pillow is literally the only answer, why tf would it be my pillow?) Also, it’s not a rash. I can’t see ANYTHING different on my head. Wouldn’t a rash look at least a little different than the rest of my skin. This is so weird.

Ok, I just looked it up to confirm. It’s literally just an allergic reaction, hypersensitivity. So since I have no allergies, it’s gotta be a bug bite or something. God, this is so weird. It varies in it’s obnoxiousness to be clear. And it sounds like a benadryll would help. Maybe I’ll see if Bonnie has any. Then I can know for sure. But since it’s not getting WORSE, in either scope or intensity, I’m going to stick with my plan to fucking ignore this fucking thing.

Sorry, this is basically pointless to write about. But I realized this morning something. I’m slowly moving towards proliferation in my writing. I’m writing at such a higher volume, and comfortability, than when I started. I’m defaulting towards writing so much more easily than before, it’s great. I tell myself, I don’t want to do the blog, then I see a post about Voyboy, and I just sit down and write something to him. And that’s an idea I’ve had in the past but balked at. I saw it as writing for it’s own sake; it wouldn’t be a big deal to him or me to actually do it. But two days ago I just sat and hammered it out. And I didn’t slave over creating it. I mean, I cared about how it looked and what it said, but I never got jammed up on its creation. It just came together, and I was inclined to sit here and make it come together. I’ve crossed a clear threshold, and it feels great. And then! After I wrote it, I thought, “Ok, that’s my creative writing done for the day. Let me post that on the blog and be done.” I sat down to post it, and in my attempt to quickly preface it for clarity, I ended working through what I was feeling at the time. I ended up blogging anyway. I didn’t worry about it. I didn’t sit down and make myself get to work, like I had been doing for MANY of these posts up to this point. And I’m doing that very thing again today. This should be noted and celebrated Max. You can in fact write and you are not an impostor. Congrats!

I noticed it while I was out at breakfast, when I had an idea listening to How Did This Get Played?. I feel like I’ll often have an opinion or a curiosity occur after hearing them discuss a topic about video games, but this time I paused the podcast and pull out my notes app and started writing it out. And after a minute or so of writing, I found that I had A LOT more to write out than my initial question for the podcast. I wanted to record my thoughts and observations about something. I have evolved from listening to, I don’t know, listening+. I’m listening and taking things in and instead of silently absorbing them I’m absorbing out loud. I’m learning things in my own company and unpacking things as they come my way. This “active rumination” functions a lot like chewing in the food sense, better digestion. I’m thinking so much more by making myself explain my own thoughts out loud before I allow them to disappear back into my memory.

I honestly can’t believe I didn’t think this would be helpful for expanding my own ability to generate thoughts. I mean, I suppose I did. I assumed that diligently sitting here and working on this would make this easier to do. I just didn’t specifically think about HOW it make writing easier. It’s easier because I think of things in terms of articulating them. I mean, duh. Oh man, even right now, I’m thinking of so many things at once, and my impulse is to write them all out here. Although my biggest impulse is to consider this amount I’ve already shown up (and the part I worked out on my notes app earlier) a job well done, and I can clock out and go back to checking out and watching LCS. It’s TL vs TSM in Winner’s 2nd round. Winner get’s a guaranteed World’s spot, and the loser will have to go through EG or C9 to punch their ticket. So yeah, this is banger city. I honestly consider these World’s implication games to be more hype than the championship itself. I mean the championship is going to be between two teams that no matter who wins, instantly go into preparing for World’s. And the success of the year is going to be impacted so much more on that stage than on this one. We will remember who won the NA trophy EVENTUALLY. Come Spring next season. But this whole thing is so much smaller once you consider that beating a team from Korea would instantly outshine any accomplishment achieved on American soil. Like, how can you even get excited for the Championship here when it takes place at the foot of the mountain that is a World Championship? Like the Australian Basketball League surely gets excited for their Final for the season. But if afterward, BOTH teams got invited to play in the play-in round of the NBA playoffs? It would actively steal excitement from the original final, by way of siphoning some of the exciting for the Semi-Final. Hype is a zero sum game. If I’m getting EXTRA hype during the semis because of the implications it presents for the future, I think I have to by definition be less hype for the final after that.

I mean, imagine only ONE team from NA gets to go to World’s each year. Holy shit people would tune in for that final like no other. That would be PEAK hype. It wouldn’t be shared with anything else, and the stake’s wouldn’t be split up. It wouldn’t be one team looking for a chance to qualify, and a separate team looking for the Domestic Title. It would be everything. The Title would BE the qualifying act. It would be the end-all be-all, like every other sport. Your victory parade would be a parade TO THE AIRPORT, as you left for the big enchilada. There’s no, “Aww, they lost NA, but that might actually give them a better vantage point going into Worlds. They have a better idea of what to work on in the interim.” I think that’s kinda weak. And now I realize this means I have to grapple with the idea that my dream World’s tournament is only like 6 teams big. Only the champs from each region. Now World’s can’t take like 2 weeks. The coolest event the sport can have would be over in a flash. That is the price we all pay for the true glory of being the REAL NA CHAMP. The chance to be THE ambassador of our region. I guess that’s about all there really is there.

I’m tuning in and out now. I think I will actually call it there for right now. Maybe I come back later in the day? That could be kinda fun. Who knows? I mean, c’mon. No way right? It’s literally never happened. Eh, whatever. You keep doing you, man. You’re killin’ it (sunglasses emoji)

Love ya

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