#1.3k words about the history of mine and my boyfriend's power dynamics....

[ofsootandsmoke]

That last post instilled a lot of thoughts in me, so I'm going to share them since I have the perspective of one of the fuckers himself.

To start, I never really believed Quackity to be truly inferior to me. I knew I had it all and he had nothing, but I knew very quickly that he could have what I did and more if he put his mind to it (and he did; just look at Las Nevadas). That frightened me as much as it intrigued me because everyone else seemed to be on different playing fields. I had no one to compare to, then he came along, and the fascination began instantly. Though, remember, I met him freshly after Eret's betrayal, and my suspicions in people's intentions were rising. Had I met Q just two weeks sooner, we probably would've been the strongest allies on the SMP, but by the time I met him, I was beginning to become paranoid, so I interacted with him like he was simultaneously something dangerous that had to be captured and like an injured animal on the side of the road.

With the elections, I had no qualms with Quackity himself, in hindsight. However, at the time, I placed my entire self-worth in winning that election. If I lost, I was nothing, and I had to be something. If I lost, it proved people didn't like me, that no one really wanted me, and I tried hard to make people like me. I even allowed two parties in after the ballots closed because, if people saw I was good, they'd like me more (good people don't get far in life; good people get left for dust). For the most part, though, I wasn't worried. No one had anything close to what I had back then, and then that goddamned vote pooling happened, and I watched my entire life crumble in an instant. What I built up from dirt was no longer mine, and even worse, I couldn't even be part of it. Before I turned and ran, I saw Q's smile, smug and proud. He won, he had it all now, and now I had nothing. An instant role reversal.

I have never accepted defeat, and I never stop working until I am dead. So, again, with my bare hands, I carved Pogtopia out of a ravine and began an underground rebellion. Whispers on the streets got around, and my people, my friends and family who didn't know what happened to me and stood idly by in the face of tyranny, came back to me. No one gains a following by manipulation, but I gained everything through love and trust. That's what brought people back to me. That's what made people believe I was worth spying for. At some point, I suppose he overheard the whispers, too, and I wish I knew what his thoughts were when he realized he had to be under my rule if he wanted to take down Schlatt. But, this time, there was no clear "he's in power, he has nothing." We were both simultaneously in power over each other, and we both simultaneously had nothing. Our rivalry calmed, and our push and pull became more of an odd dance, circling each other as we tried to analyze how we'd fit together. I grew to trust him in Pogtopia, and I hated myself for it. I was paranoid of everyone, except Tommy and then him. He was too genuine, and we became transparent with each other, and yet, at the same time, we didn't tell each other anything. We have always been contradictory, both one thing and another.

November 16th, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. I watched everything he did because he knew my plans and he could stop me in an instant. That button was my reclamation of power, that pressing that button would mean I win. Not a win for Pogtopia, not for L'Manberg or even Mamberg, but a win for me. Even if I'd be dead, I'd die with a legacy, and you can't exactly beat a dead man. I didn't die in the explosion like I intended, and I got to see the look on his face right before I died. I don't know what emotion I would label it as, but it tore my heart out and made me feel like I was on top of the world. Then, I was left for dead, but I didn't die instantly. I lost sight of him in the chaos. I said things to myself that no one heard, things that were carried off in the wind and drowned out in the fighting. Things that no one but me will ever know.

In Limbo, his name crossed my mind more than just a few times. The first time I allowed myself to think about him was the first time I screamed his name as I clawed at the walls to escape, several weeks into my stay. I knew it was futile, but part of me wanted to believe that if anyone could hear me, it'd be him. It made the most sense to me that it'd be him, my equal. After that, I thought a lot about what we'd been. I don't think he knows it, but his name often left my mouth when I begged for help. I don't think he wants to know the depth of the words I said attached to his name.

(If you're actually reading all this, Q, then just know some things are better on deaf ears).

And then, after thirteen and a half wretched years, I experienced the sun again. I felt warmth on my skin, wind in my hair, and I was alive! And still, one of my first thoughts was, "I have to go see Quackity." But he wasn't at all what he was before— he surpassed what I used to have by far. He had experienced so much, and the once hopeful and optimistic man had become rather jaded, yet he still had that fire, that passion that rivaled mine. I accepted him as my equal in Limbo, but now, he was so far ahead of me, but that didn't change my mind. Even I was pleasantly surprised by his excitement in seeing me again, but we soon fell back into old patterns that both burned us and kept us going. I knew we had stood on equal ground; I just had to catch up a little bit. I definitely tried, and maybe to everyone else, I was falling far behind, but in our eyes, we resumed our rivalry, and we weren't in a push and pull anymore. We figured out our places with each other, and our rivalry became more like a song and dance that neither of us fully knew the moves to. Some things were unexpected, sometimes we let the other take the lead, and most of the time, we were in sync and knew what the other was going to do before he did it. I think he knew that we were on the same ground, too, and I think that pissed him off a little bit then. Even when I was physically at my lowest and living in a burger van on the outskirts of his shining nation, he couldn't truly surpass me, but that implies that either of us were ever truly above each other. To be honest, I've only ever been above him in terms of height. He just hadn't seen his own potential in the beginning and took that as me being better than him.

Time and a relationship have settled us, and of course, I miss some of what we had, but we've accepted in full that we will always be on the same step. We walk in sync, and we always have. He couldn't truly surpass me even if he gave it his all, and neither could I. Even when we hated it, we will always be equal to each other. It's impossible for us to be anything else.