#00. ❛ MISC : OOC. / I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING THAT'D SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS.

[armyhoned]

u know what’s a realisation i didn’t need today

matt is about the same age as rossi’s son would be had he lived.

[armyhoned]

so, my laptop died --- the good, the bad, the ugly:

currently on my backup laptop, one that can’t run basically shit besides chrome and discord, and one i can’t save basically any files on.

i don’t know if my files are recoverable. my texture and psd folders are backed up to a cloud, nothing else is, including icons, matt’s psd, all that fun shit  ( also some programs with a pretty fucking hefty pricetag i have no idea if i can get back ).

iconless until then, which probably means activity focused on @empirefire​ and the fantasy multimuse i’m lowkey building despite my desire to be on matt---the culture of the critrole rpc is heavily iconless, and i’m used to it in a way i’m not here, but i’m gonna try to get drafts and plotting done on both blogs.

planning on moving within two weeks. need money for that. the entire financial situation and its dependency on parts separate from each other, none of which i can currently control, is freaking me out, so buying a replacement laptop is not my number one concern right now. if i’m lucky, i can start putting money aside for one in like. april. and that’s a big if.

i don’t want to stop roleplaying during this time, so please, come plot with me, tell me if you’re okay with roleplaying on discord and/or doing iconless things, especially shorter ones---i say this fully knowing what the success rate of these asks usually is, but i genuinely don’t want to fall off the face of earth during this time. i have slightly more energy than usual, the show is on, let me love you.

[armyhoned]

like for something... ep inspired maybe.

[armyhoned]

a bitch is. v tempted to make “emily rose simmons” a thing

[armyhoned]

the irt sitting in the jet, huddled around the main table, board game spread across the table as matt organising and dealing the tokens and pawns and things while clara is reading the rules out loud, an open notepad and a pen travelling across the table for writing down some key translations on a page matt will later have to sit down with and start deciphering into a proper rules sheet in english. the irt play-testing the game, adding petty gambling over candy to a game designed for three-year-olds, playful insults and the occasional gummy bear being thrown over the table towards an opponent happy to retaliate, turbulence sometimes throwing off all the loose pieces to the floor and everyone with their pawn down declared dead in a joke that wasn’t meant to become a thing.

hours and hours later, matt putting the game into the cabinet dedicated for them, a notebook page for a rules set, to wait until his kids are old enough to play

[armyhoned]

no one: absolutely no one: my brain during ikea assembly: do u think the rejection matt experienced as a teenager---based on something he couldn't control about himself, from people who are supposed to love you unconditionally---has something to do with the overachieving tendencies he would develop in his personal and professional life as a way of seeking validation, as if one day, if he gained enough success from his life, he could be "forgiven" his self-perceived shortcomings as a person?

[armyhoned]

small updates:   i’ve cleared out my inbox save for the things from the last two memes i’ve reblogged, and deleted almost all of my drafts save for a couple of things to which i may perhaps be able to reply, or at least attempt to. i’m probably not gonna do a starter call until i have episode plots to base them off, so i’m just gonna keep reblogging and continuing memes to get interactions going until we get there.

[armyhoned]

if you sell disappointing croissants i hope your day is ruined

[armyhoned]

Pure Content(tm)

[armyhoned]

me: LOOK I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF IT BEFORE I CAME ACROSS AN ICON WITH HIS BROW BLEEDING AND I JUST seashell: IM UPSET NOW me: THANKS THAT WAS MY QUESTION I'M GOING TO BED U SPEND THE REST OF UR SHIFT THINKING ABT THAT seashell: CURSED THANK YOU

@arrowloosed

[armyhoned]

oookay, there’s a lot of u. but i need to go to bed while i’m still a) tired, b) not gonna die tomorrow morning bc 5 am wakeups are Yikes(tm) but also just the routine i gotta get used to now, and c) not crying

i was a little bit worried i was gonna go through all the effort that comes with breathing life back into a blog after a string of long pauses only for the blog to remain dead bc of inactivity of the fandom or people not knowing the muse and i’m just...... so glad y’all are proving me wrong bc i love matt so fucking much

anyway the point is thank u all and checking out blogs & follow backs to continue tomorrow.

[armyhoned]

a quick psa for my criminal minds followers: i generally don’t follow blogs whose muns are not up to matt’s episodes in canon. i know and acknowledge that ten seasons is a lot, but matt is too locked into the timeframe of 2014-2019 for me to be able to interact with muses who exist entirely outside of that time window. he’s a relatively new face in the bureau as a whole, and though the team has interactions preceeding that, even those span out over just a few short years. i know that the later seasons are not the preferred space for a lot of those who roleplay characters who’ve existed in the show for longer, but the timeline of the show impacts his character, and while there may be a day when i can rejig his timeline to work for au interactions preceeding 2011, currently, especially as the canon is still developing and especially when it means sacrificing either his age within the group or large chunks of his personal history, that’s not something i’m interested in doing.

[armyhoned]

reposting tags, part one.

[armyhoned]

first of all, i’m gonna preface this by saying that i am absolutely terrified as i am writing this. like, about to throw up and fighting the urge to discard post level terrified. i don’t know why---combination of internal and external insecurities, i guess. i didn’t do this whole “coming out announcement” when i figured out i was queer sexualitywise, so i am making this up as i go  ( and taking breaks every twenty words bc of the aforementioned fear ).

                                        i’m coming out as non-binary.

that’s as far as i can say now, i haven’t found a label to fit me yet besides the general “queer” of which i’ve been long fond, and i doubt i will find one in a non-native language i will be learn to think of as my own. closest i can come to is to find a word to describe this still messy bag of feelings so that others may understand them easier: the words genderfluid or genderqueer feel the closest to the truth.

i think that struggle is a part of why this process took so long: i now realise the failure to accept this as my own truth due to not finding the right word is the same cycle i went through when i was figuring out my sexuality  ( “if i don’t feel it that much, i could just be a demigirl---but it’s the ‘girl’ part i'm bothered by. well, i guess there’s no fitting label, so i must be a cis girl” has the same energy as “this label could be it, but i’m not only attracted to masculine people, i’d bang a girly girl too, so i must be straight” ).

on top of that, my mindset has been plagued with truscum ideologies---namely, interpreting my identity as internalised misogyny, and not identifying what probably sounds like dysphoria to any sane person as that due to not literally wanting to scream at the sight of my breasts  ( and in fact, occasionally enjoying the sight, though seeing myself in a binder has the same positive reaction )---that i have never demanded from an another person but depression and low selfesteem has made me demand of myself. recently, due to a myriad of trans posts on the dash of my roleplay blogs and on my personal, i have finally come to understand my discomfort is not with the idea of not being fully a woman but rather with the expectations that come with coming out: i have not been denying this because it’s not true, i’ve been denying this because i’ve been afraid of what others will think of me if i settle on something.

i most likely will remain closeted in the real world for a long while save for a few trusted individuals, as i still have a long journey of self discovery ahead. all i know is that the identity of a man and that of a woman neither sit well with me for long, but admitting that out loud  ( well, in writing, and eventually out loud when i stop chickening out in front of the mirror )  is already a huge win for me. as for my online life, i will remain with the name ‘aurora’ despite its feminine associations, and continue using they / them pronouns, but will from now on ask to not be referred to as a ‘woman’. things like “dude” or “girl” i take mostly as gender-neutral, but might mention if it hits a bad spot that day. otherwise, life will resume as normal, i think.

thank you for reading 🖤

[armyhoned]

if there’s one absolutely positive thing to come out from tonight’s insomnia it’s reuniting with one of my first mutuals on the first long-term indie blog i had bc apparently we’re both mutuals with the same person so her sending positivity to that person brought her url to my blog and this is wild

[armyhoned]

i was asked to join criminaImindssource for like the third time ldkgjldgkj