#.mostly just because adding in fatigue issues and constant pain makes the mental health parts even harder to cope with.
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My achievement for today is that I stood for ten minutes straight before I got dizzy and had to sit down.
Ten whole minutes! I was talking the whole time, too! I haven't been able to do that in forever!!!!!
#stella talks#.in case anyone asks i still do not consider myself disabled because i am riddled with self loathing and denial.#.if anyone else lived like i do i would be like “yeah you're disabled go easy on yourself please”.#.but for myself???? no. no it's something else that makes me dizzy from standing up too long. lack of willpower or something yeah.#.everyone has to sit down for an hour to recover from getting dressed right.#.shower + getting dressed is like a whole day for me.#.which obviously makes leaving the house even more arduous even without adding in the debilitating agoraphobia.#.i think i miss when all my problems were mental health related.#.mostly just because adding in fatigue issues and constant pain makes the mental health parts even harder to cope with.#.it's all a giant cascade of problems flooding through me and i miss when it was simpler.#.(it was never simple. even when it was just my mental health i lost my entire adolesence to those problems...)#.(maybe it was just easier to blame myself when it seemed like it was all in my head...)#.(it's harder to tell myself I'm just not trying hard enough to walk on a broken knee... but maybe that's a good thing.)#.(if i can't blame myself forever then... maybe someday I'll just have accept that it was never my fault to begin with#.(my brain was sick. my body is now sick. maybe it was never my fault at all. maybe i never lacked willpower.)#.maybe i was always stronger than i thought because i kept going anyway.#.maybe i... maybe i shouldn't hate myself for things that i would feel compassion for someone else enduring.#.oh. i... I'm disabled. it's not my fault. im just. disabled. i... huh. excuse me for a moment.#.there's something in my eye. and in my heart.
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