#...what does it mean to not be a striker? are non-strikers failed men? what does it mean to be an ''incorrect'' man?

[agnesandhilda]

one of these days I'm gonna completely lose it and write about how blue lock's shounen genre misogyny (which isn't to say that it gets a pass because the shounen genre is known for being misogynistic. blue lock is worse than average in this regard. blue lock's very premise is built on misogyny in a way I don't think has been analyzed enough even by people who are aware of the real-world women's football it totally disregards) and accompanying shounen genre-typical totalizing ideal of masculinity result in giving the different play positions the characters have notable gendered connotations, mostly by accident

[nidhoggssoultrap]

My "Headcanon" (Nidhogg, Louie, and Yvette. Mostly Nidhogg) Part 1

This one is a long one, so I'll be splitting it into parts. I don't think I have ever had a headcanon list this long. Jesus...anyway,

I ship him with Louie shamelessly and without apology. I know that they are adopted brothers, but well, it doesn't stop me, and I hope you don't read Game of Thrones or Angel Sanctuary because BLOOD incest is CANON in both. Anyway, I started out shipping them in a "bitter ex" sense, but it quickly became a situation where Nidhogg wanted more than being a "brother and a friend" and Louie did not and it's unlikely that he ever would. This leads to a lot of heartache for Nidhogg, but he loves Louie very much and while he has attempted erotic things with him, he backs off when Louie refuses. The fact that Nidhogg is unwilling to set aside his feelings for Louie has actually saved him.

The outcome? While they do eventually reconcile, Nidhogg accepts the fact that they will never be anything more than brothers/friends. Louie ends up with Yvette. Nidhogg? Well, I dunno. Shade, for some reason, is creeping up.

Plotbunny: Louie visits Nidhogg at a base and tricks him into thinking that he has finally "seen the light" and it willing to not only side with the Dark, but to become lovers like Nidhogg wanted. They do what is known as a "grudgefuck" with Louie in control (alternate: Nidhogg tries to kiss him but Louie rebuffs him). Either way, Louie grabs Nidhogg by the chin and says, "There'll be a chance for 'us' when you bring Lunar back to me." (Alternate: After they kiss/grudgesex, Louie stabs Nidhogg in the heart and gets shot in the heart by Nidhogg. They die in each others's arms. "As it should be..." (well, according to Nidhogg).

2. I DO NOT ship Nidhogg/Yvette. She deserves better. That being said, she was never interested in him in THAT way. She only liked "the idea of him." In reality, while she did admire him and legit like him, she had no romantic/erotic interest in him at all. Nidhogg also was not interested in her in that way as well, in my headcanon, "he prefers the company of men." He viewed her as someone who was not only an image, but someone to "vent his spleen on". He did, however, come to view her as a friend, sister and maybe even a daughter. It's why he ended up getting "cold feet" and chose not to keep her and send her home. She was supposed to be sent elsewhere as part of a "quest" in order for Nidhogg to gain even more power. If he fails, then he will be "doubly cursed" with both the Blood Curse and a "Fail Curse."

He figured that there is still time and when he is on the losing end of the war, he kidnaps her again which leads to a very long and intense car chase between him and Nikki's group(Louie driving). This is basically a Louie vs Nidhogg and due to Yvette's actions at the end(she bites Nidhogg and tries to fight him, not caring about the blood curse or dying as she DID not want to end up "in a box" for the rest of her life), the car chase ends and a knock down drag out fight between Louie and Nidhogg begins. It ends in the latter's defeat, and he ends up "doubly cursed", humiliated by Louie(needlessly), and banished out of Miraland through a "transport tree". At least for awhile.

3. Speaking of kidnapping, I honestly believed that he actually drove out of Lilith with her. I thought that he "kidnapped" her because someone was after them and he took her to protect her. Hehe...yea, right. Still, I kept the idea that he drove her out of Lilith to the North Kingdom. As for kidnapping, I cringed how it was handled in canon, so I decided that he would be the one to knock her out with a sleeper hold and that kidnapping was 100% his own choice. She "knew too much" and well, see above.

4. Interesting to see Yvette as a "White Knight" because before I saw that, I did decide that she would become something like that. Like Louie. Nice coincidence. :)

5. Nidhogg speaks in a tenor with a soft-spoken tone. He has a tendency to whisper the final parts of his statements and is capable of sounding very sharp. Some say that he does that as a form of control. Louie says that he has always done that and admits that it sounds good. Nidhogg was a wonderful voice. When he actually sings(and in my headcanon, he does lolol), it's a high tenor range. Louie also sings, but it's lower.

6. Nidhogg drinks vodka/vodka drinks and Jaegermeister. It's one of his few "poisons/weaknesses". He does not, however, smoke or do any other kinds of drugs, except caffeine and vaped nicotine/cbd. He vapes though, but not heavily and it's not common to see him with any kind of mod/e-cig.

7. He has a tarot deck which people think odd considering his attitude about destiny(that, ftr, I generally agree with), but he does not view the tarot as destiny, but only guidelines/advice/warnings. The forecast is like the weather to him. Either way, it's not etched in stone. He likes the art anyway. His tarot deck is military themed. He does NOT overindulge in them as to him, such a thing is weakness that needs to be fixed. He is like that with a lot of things.

8. Like Louie, he can drive/fly anything. Louie is a better pilot/biker, Nidhogg is a better driver. Nidhogg drives a sleek, black, powerful, manual shift sportscar. I want to say BMW, but it could just as easily be a Jaguar. It's the car he was driving when he kidnapped Yvette both times. FTR, Louie was chasing him in a white Porsche. Okay, my biases/kinks are showing, but whatever. :p

9. I hope that Nidhogg ends up like Shield Anvil Itkovian (I highly recommend Memories of Ice and the Malazan series entirely):

"We are all pushed into a world of madness, yet it must now fall to each of us to pull back from this Abyss, to drag ourselves free of the descending spiral. From horror, grief must be fashioned, and from grief, compassion." - Itkovian

Itkovian was a warrior who served a war god. He was a mercenary and he was also the Shield Anvil. He fought in war as one of the leaders, but he also took the pain and suffering from others, took it upon himself and gave it to his God. When his god disappeared, he chose to take the pain of thousands of souls into himself. Because he is THE SHIELD ANVIL. I'd get more in detail, but I don't want to spoil too much. Itkovian is a cinnamon roll. Nidhogg is more of a "problematic fave", but still...

Anyway, I say this because I am aware that Nidhogg willingly took on the Blood Curse and refused to dull it. He, like Itkovian, knew that war causes suffering. The Shield Anvil alleviates that suffering and I suspect that Nidhogg would not mind doing the same thing:

"I did it. I should be the one to undo it." In my headcanon, Nidhogg wants to try to bring Lunar back. Yes, he has ulterior motives(See: Louie and he readily admits this), but he wants to do it anyway as it is still the right thing to do.

10. Nidhogg loves the moon and prefers silver over gold. He LOVES Onyx. He had his ears pierced since he was a teenager and got it done at a tattoo parlor. He tends to wear boot jewelry too.

11. His "animal totem" is the wolf. His temperament is similar to Griffith's of Berserk. However, there might be disagreements about dreams, depending on what one means by dreams. In Nidhogg's mind, ambition and dreams are two different things. You want to compare bad deeds? If you've read both Berserk and Love Nikki, then I think you can take a few guesses. To put it simply, externally, both are cool, calm and collected. Internally, there is a great deal of intensity that only shows in certain circumstances. Otherwise, they are both very laser guided and "tight-vested" with their hearts.

12. He has issues with Locco due to her well basically saying "If I must choose between being weak and being dead, I'd rather be weak for the dead have no dreams." She has her own "Fountain Scene" with Yvette. Nidhogg did not like this but he chose to leave it alone. He found it amusing when he found out that she suggested that Yvette make a "March Hare" design. He found it even more amusing when Yvette won an award for it.

13. After Yvette returned home from her first kidnapping, she developed a Jesse Pinkman attitude towards Nidhogg. What I mean is "HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!" Breaking Bad fans will know what I'm talking about. So, I wasn't surprised when I later found out that Yvette did want him brought to justice for pretty much ALL of his actions, but especially against Lilith Kingdom.

14. Nidhogg has a foul mouth, especially when stressed. He is, however, no match for a sailor, but he can try. Heh. Obviously, as Prime Minister he is a lot more "clean."

15. His interests are actually similar to Yvette's but they have different tastes. Example: when it comes to say, the fantasy genre, Yvette prefers the more light-hearted fantasy in general. Nidhogg, otoh, prefers "darker fantasy" that is more rooted in reality.

16. He does not hate the clothing he designed for Lilith, he just does not generally wear them himself unless it's modified to his actual preferences.

17. I call his real name Heinrich, which is the Germanic version of Henry. FTR, I cannot stand the name Henry and prefer the NON-English version of the name. And really, I think Henrik is more suitable anyway. FTR, the name means "Ruler of the home." Nidhogg means "Curse-Striker." The name definitions are rather fitting for him.

18. He has a "Victory not Vengeance" philosophy(check out vnvnation.com) mentality. This means : "One should strive to achieve, not sit in bitter regret." He has lived by this all of life. One of the reasons why Louie is not dead.

19. Nidhogg is his "second name" that his parents had given him because he would suck on "Ygdrassil" licorice when he was a baby. He loves licorice and most often eats that brand. He also loves butterscotch, coffee(of all kinds), and peanut butter. He does not, however, have much of a sweet tooth beyond that.

20. Nidhogg was blamed for the death of his adoptive father. Not by Louie, but by other rumor mongering sorts. Reality: He had nothing to do with his adoptive father's death.

And yikes...I think that'll do. I do have more, but I can just make another post.

[siobhom]

Fic: Something more than a catalog of non-definitive acts

Summary:  Jake and Amy go undercover as a couple. Written for the @b99fandomevents Brooklyn 99 Summer 2019 fic exchange for @professionalpenthief (writer0895). Thank you for the prompt! Hope you enjoy. And thank you to my beta reader storyinmyeyes.

On AO3 here

“There’s going to be an undercover operation infiltrating a smuggling ring,” Holt says.

“Ooh, me! Mine! I want the case!” Jake says.

Amy looks at Holt eagerly, “I majored in Art history, they’re stealing antiquities, and I have expertise that will be vital to this case.”

“Well I have experience being under cover in crime families!” Jake argues.

“As I was saying, we need two detectives posing as a couple, the two of you will be sufficient.”

“Yes!” Amy exclaims as Jake fist pumps.  

And Holt swiftly moves on to the next order of business, only later pausing momentarily as he steps out the door to say,

“Peralta, Santiago, I’ll brief you in my office.”

*

The two of them have only just sat down opposite Holt before Jake begins animatedly creating their cover stories,

“Okay, I’m Dirk Striker, I’ve been driving trucks of every black market good you can imagine since I could see above the steering wheel, I once successfully drove over an opening bridge (jumping over twenty feet of open air) to make a clean getaway and Amy is Leah Cortez a master lock picker who steals to pay for her addiction to cosmopolitans.”

“In actuality this assignment requires a certain specific dynamic…”

“Oh no, that’s the raised eye-brow of ‘I have to say something I’m not happy with,’” Amy says.

“These smugglers are very much a men’s club, previous undercover operatives have failed due to refusing to take part in their games involving predatory behaviour or had their covers blown by prostitutes they were expected to sleep with. We think the solution to this will be two detectives posing as a couple, but the idea of having to work with a woman will also turn them off.”  

Jake’s mouth falls open. “Oh.”

Amy says, “So I’m supposed to be the mindless arm candy?”

Jake winces.

“Yes,” Holt says, “It’s not ideal, but it will put you in a position where they will dismiss you as a threat and won’t pay attention to your movements. It will allow you to gather evidence in a quick and effective manner.”

Amy nods. “Okay.”

“There’s more. These men are very boisterous with women; to fit in the two of you will be required to be very physically close. Of course, we wouldn’t expect either of you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“It will be fine,” Amy says, before turning to Jake, who once confessed having feelings for her, “Unless, will that put you in an awkward place?”

“You’re an awkward place,” Jake responds, “No discomfort here, none whatsoever.”  

*

Jake is Matt, a fence, and Amy is his girlfriend Lana. They’re meeting in a cordoned-off section of a club. They’re sitting next to each other, their legs touching. He tries not to think about how nice it feels. He puts his arm around her, carefully, “Is this okay?”

Amy smiles. “Of course, let’s do this!”

*

Amy’s undecided on exactly how dumb she’s going to act. She’s of course got several personas prepared, of differing intellect level, but she also knows the importance of playing it by ear and is waiting to see. Within ten minutes she realises, it doesn’t matter how dumb she acts. They won’t catch on. It’s all perfectly believable to them.

She affects a semi-blank expression, and makes a point to giggle randomly and throw out random comments, that heavily imply she’s completely misunderstanding the covert conversation taking place. Jake’s voice is a low murmur, she pays some attention to it, but she’s confident Jake knows what needs doing, and thus she’s more focused on their surroundings, on picking up any clues. Some of the girlfriends hang out in a corner and she thinks she’ll have a better chance of slipping away if she’s over there. She won’t suggest it herself though; she’ll get Jake to send her over there during the next meeting.

She can see Jake holding back from clenching his jaw against the sexist comments at times, but only because she knows him so well. But from the others body language, she can tell that he’s not committing to the act as well as he needs to.

She tells him so on the way to their room (after ensuring no one is around of course).

“I’ve watched the footage. Have you seen the way these guys treat their girl-friends. You have to be ruder and more grabby.”

“I don’t want to though.”

“Matt thinks Lana’s a thing, his possession.”

“Matt is gross.”

“True. But Matt is going to bring down this smuggling ring.”

*

Jake freezes as he enters the room. “There’s only one bed.”

“That’s because I asked for a room with only one bed,” Amy states, “We need to maintain our covers, and these guys are careful, we don’t want anything to tip them off.”

“Cool, cool, cool, cool. We can just sleep in shifts, a few hours at a time.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, come on,” Amy says, gesturing at the bed.

Jake clutches his hand to his chest faux dramatically. “Are you trying to take advantage of me?”

“Definitely, now get in.”

*

As much as it makes him feel sick, Jake knows Amy’s right about his behaviour around the smugglers. Matt makes a point the next day to be more possessive and verbally abusive towards Lana. He hates himself for enjoying the feel of Amy under his hands, against his body. What if she finds out, she’ll think he’s disgusting, just like Matt.

Correction: he is disgusting. Amy’s just doing her job, she trusts him, and he feels like he’s betraying her.

*

He stands in the shower that night, scrubbing roughly, thoughts spiralling, he feels unclean. He hates having to treat Amy that way. And he hates that having her pressed against him makes him feel warm and happy and like he’s found home. It’s wrong. It’s all so wrong. It’s painful.

*

Amy can’t help but feel a little guilty, sure she was pushing Jake to be extra touchy to make their cover more believable and productive, and it’s genuinely needed to get the job done, but she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t also part of her wanting him touching her.

It’s wrong, she knows. But she wonders, if maybe, there’s something still there, something that could still happen between them. But now, Jake’s been in the shower for twice as long as usual, and she knows he’s freaking out, and she’s certain this was the wrong way to go about it. (Even if she had only been thinking about the case when she agreed to this).

*

Jake put on a wide smile before stepping out of the bathroom. But Amy, because she’s Amy, still says, “We should talk about what’s wrong.”

Jake sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I can’t…I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Amy gestures for him to sit. “Tell me.”

And he wants to, he really, really, wants to. But making this whole thing about him feels unbelievably selfish. Sure, he feels sick and dirty, and like he’s coming undone. But at least he doesn’t have to actually go through it like Amy does. It must be worse for her. He shouldn’t make this about him.

“No, it’s okay, I probably just need to spend a few hours watching property brothers repeats and then I’ll be fine.”

“Jake, Holt said we shouldn’t do anything we’re uncomfortable with: you know he didn’t just mean me right? If we need to we can find another way to catch these guys.”

“It’s not that I’m uncomfortable. It’s just that…” Jake covers his face with his hand so he can’t see her reaction, “I really like how it feels when we’re touching.”

Amy says nothing, waiting for him to continue.

Jake stares at her, “Aren’t you mad?”  

“Why would I be mad? You’re doing your job. You can’t help how you feel. I’m actually glad. I like how it feels when we’re touching too.”

Jake’s gaze is awe-filled, “You do?”

“Yes. Now tell the truth: do we need to find another way to catch these guys?”  

Jake chuckles. “No, I’m good.”

*

The same as the night before, they lay on opposite sides of the bed, this time the strip between them feels like a chasm. Amy reaches out, fingers too bold, before she draws them back.

“Jake, would you like me to hold you?”

“What?!”

“You like being the little spoon right?”

Jake shrugs. “It makes me feel safe.”

Amy nods. “And secure and I know you said you’re good with all this, but I know the whole Matt act is hard on you. And sometimes touch can be grounding when you’re feeling outside of yourself.”

She knows Jake wants to say yes, it’s written all over his face. She also knows he’s going to say no.

“I’m fine. I don’t need you to…”

“I would like it too. We both just admitted we liked touching each other, so what’s the harm in a couple of friends taking some platonic comfort in each other.” They’re the opposite of the words she wants to say, but she knows now isn’t the time to push for more, being undercover like this makes it too complicated.

“Okay.”

*

The feel of being held in Amy’s arms is amazing, the best thing ever; even better because it isn’t part of an act. It’s a choice, both of their choices.  

*

Amy gets closer to the band of girlfriends, gaining vital pieces of info, fitting them together with what Jake has gathered begins to give them a solid frame of the network. They spend their nights platonically cuddling. And Amy wonders how things ended up like this, whether she missed her moment, whether she should just slide her hand lower.

She mentally lists the reasons she shouldn’t: 1) at this point that almost feels like it would be a betrayal. 2) Jake needs a friend now more than he needs a fledgling relationship. 3) It would hurt Jake even more to pull off the act if they were actually together. 4) Starting a relationship whilst undercover pretending to be in a highly unhealthy relationship is a terrible idea.  5) Despite, or perhaps because of, their conversation about liking the touching, and then the actual touching Amy’s beginning to doubt whether Jake still even wants a relationship. He hasn’t made a single move, despite them spending their nights curled up together- which was her move she would like to point out.

*

The gathering of evidence of the various members of the network is a slow trudge, until it isn’t.

(They pin down the head using a stray pharmaceutical receipt of all things).

They celebrate the case hard-won.

And go back to their separate lives, without nights spent together, and it feels like they’ve lost something they never had.

Now is the time, Amy thinks. But it feels like the spell has been broken. They’re back in the real world now. The days slip by grey-tinted.

They are stilted, coming back to themselves.

*

It’s been a month since the smuggling case ended. It all seems like a dream now, some distant surreal memory. Their moment has well and truly passed. They are friends, and it’s good.

And then Jake asks, “Can I have a cuddle?”

And she wordlessly takes him into her arms, and for once ignores her lists and rules and endless cautionary self-chastisements, and kisses him.

*

Jake wakes to early morning light streaming through the window and pulls Amy’s arm around so she’s holding him. And it’s more amazing than ever, because she shuffles closer, hand against his chest, and her lips press kisses to his shoulder.

He is home.

[thedistantstorm]

The Lion’s Heart 11

A shield, she realizes. The Traveler has gifted me a shield. I am a Defender: the last, lonely sentinel.

The tale of a different kind of Guardian: one who does not want the accolade of saving the world, who does not understand why she would be chosen to wield the Light remaining in the Shard. Once a reckless, dazzling Striker, the Traveler’s chosen is reborn a silent Sentinel. This is Kira’s story; About bringing people together, reclaiming their city, and overcoming the darkness despite it all.

Titans | Vanguard Mentors | Heavy Angst | PTSD | Descriptions of Light | Loss of Light | Canon-typical Violence | Heroes of Necessity | Canon Compliant | The Red War

Note: this chapter does feature some pretty heavy PTSD and panic-attack related themes. If that sort of thing bothers you, please tread carefully.

Previous Parts: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10

-/

The fire is warm against the dampness of the surrounding forest. It licks little flares of yellow-orange against the white, scratched metal of her boots. Fall is waning; Tyra told her earlier that she thinks it will snow tonight.

Everyone who comes through this part of the Farm is wrapped in furs or blankets, trying to stave off the bitter chill.

Kira isn't cold though, sitting on the far left side of a bench. Partly because of the fire, sure. But partially because of the woman beside her, tucked under her arm, slouching against her chest.

She'd been there, in the barn that doubled as their command center when the word came in. Watched Hawthorne take the news - news that had Zavala stop what he was doing, dispatch the team he was working with in short order. Hawthorne did not stutter or shake, her back ramrod straight, immediately asked for the names of any family left behind by the men they'd lost in the fray. After, she turned back to what she was doing as if the affair hadn't happened at all.

An entire team. Ten men. Her best. They'd stood no chance against the Elite Centurion, Thumos ‘the Unbroken.’

Hawthorne had personally selected them. Had been the one to order them to gather information on Ghaul's chosen. To take him down, if they could. One less thing for their Guardian friend to do.

Kira had been a Guardian under Zavala's tutelage long enough to know the feeling that eclipses a room at the knowledge someone's sent another to their death. But Zavala, though hard he takes his losses, is experienced in the bitterness of the art. He coughed. 

Cinnamon met cerulean. His eyes had flicked pointedly to the door.

She nodded in reply, letting herself out. Hawthorne's first, rebellious sob just barely reached her ears as she closed it behind her. 

Now, sitting in the dark, no one will ever know if she’d been crying - Zavala would never confirm it, and Hawthorne will never tell. Her eyes bore dark and heavy into the fire, looking for answers that would never come.

On the other side of them both, Zavala sits pensively, eyes watching the perimeter, silent and strong. It should be peaceful, this moment, Kira thinks. But it's not. 

She's angry. Angry that the Cabal continue to kill and maim. Angry that people like Hawthorne - people who aren't soldiers, who answered the call to protect their protectors when they needed to be saved - are forced to make these decisions, to have the lives of others burdened upon their shoulders.

“Zavala.”

Hawthorne does not flinch at the sound of Kira’s voice, spoken almost directly into her ear. It's strong, though it burns her throat to speak. Blue eyes blink her way, looking over the ridge of Hawthorne's hood. To Kira, he’s always been ‘The Commander’ or 'sir.’ This is serious, she's saying without as many words. Their eyes meet.

“I'm going to kill him,” Kira says. “Thumos.”

Zavala holds her gaze for a long moment. Finally, he nods. “Good.”

His eyes return to scanning the darkness of the treeline. Kira feels the muscles of the arm - Hawthorne's - under her fingertips pull taut. The fire pops, and Kira sees where pale blue and brown skin meet. He’s holding her hand, Kira realizes. She watches his fingers twitch in an answering squeeze.

Maybe some good will come of this war, she dares to think.

-/

Much later, when Kira's startled awake by sounds across the fire, she sees that Cayde and Ikora have joined them. Hawthorne no longer leans against her. Her hands are folded plainly in her lap, and her dark brown eyes are on the flames.

“Amanda says she’s got whatever air support we need,” Cayde is saying, on a perpendicular bench to Zavala's left. “Managed to tune up quite a few sparrows, too.”

“She’s done excellent work,” Zavala answers. “We’ll need them if a direct assault on the City is ever going to work.”

“I still think a direct assault on the City is bound to fail. Lightless Guardians are skilled, Zavala, but not used to fighting so carefully,” Ikora counters. She makes no comment on the survivors or Hawthorne’s scouts, who make up a large contingent of the forces. She discredits them, Kira realizes.

“Well, bet our Guardian could probably do a number on 'em,” Cayde supplies helpfully. “Then we clean up what's left.”

That leaves Suraya scoffing into the fire.

“I don't remember asking for your opinion,” Comes the voice of the Warlock Vanguard, wary of the outsider. Kira bristles, but Hawthorne does not rise to the bait. 

Silence falls over them.

“Guess not,” Hawthorne agrees, after a time. Kira knows the tone of that voice - it's the same one that she'd used when Zavala's broadcast had them dropping everything to go to Titan. The other woman's feelings are hurt, not that she'd ever admit it. “Excuse me.”

Zavala follows her with his eyes as she walks away. Kira's fingers ball into fists.

“She is good counsel,” The Commander states, levelly, when Hawthorne is well out of earshot. Diplomatic, always. “An ally we need.”

“A means to an end. We are grateful for her services in our time of despair, but… We're here now. Together, Zavala." Ikora's golden eyes still have that same half desperate, half self-preserving sheen to them Kira had seen on Io. "She is not what we need.” Her words echo tauntingly in the young Titan's mind.

Kira rises to her feet before she truly thinks about it, her voice shaking, tight fists making her gloves grit together meanly. There’s a buzzing in her brain. “And what do you know about what we need?”

Ikora leans back and regards her coolly.

“Kira,” Zavala warns, like a disappointed parent.

The Warlock waves him off. Smiles even, saccharine. “If there's something you have to say, Guardian, by all means…”

Cayde crosses his arms, slouching against the back of the bench. Kira fights back some of her fury. “You're discrediting her and the rest of the non-Guardians. You haven't been here, so don't pretend to know.”

Her Ghost flickers into the space over her shoulder, watching her irises dart back and forth wildly. 

“So now you find your voice,” Cayde drawls, tone breezy, but his optics hard. “Couldn't even say a word to me when ya found me on Nessus. I'm hurt. I get you're pissed and all, kid, but the Vanguard is more than capable of handling things.”

“Cayde, enough.” Ikora's steady gaze turns to the outspoken woman. “I know we have to take back the Traveler, Kira. The Cabal could wipe out our Sun. They could kill us all. Civilians will only-”

The Titan shakes her head, furious, interrupting, “These people have been fighting for their lives since the Cabal attack, not skulking around Io bitching about their Fireteam leader.”

“Kira!” Zavala barks, nearly a yell. “Stop this at once!”

It's too late. The damage is done. Ikora all but bellows, “How dare you! I was searching for answers, trying to find a way to save us!”

Kira snarls back, unyielding,“‘What good is a resistance when you are the only one who would survive?’” 

Zavala blinks, looking from one woman to the other. “What?”

Ikora remains silent.

Kira's eyes are ablaze with barely restrained fury. “Tell him,” She growls at the Warlock mentor. Ikora still doesn’t speak, so Kira explains, “That’s what you said to me when we told you about the resistance.”

A glance in Zavala’s direction reveals his expression to be carefully constructed, both stoic and blank. “I didn't mean it that way,” Ikora refutes, but she’s saying it to her Fireteam leader, not to the young Titan beside him.

“Yes,” She presses, “You did. You weren't looking for a way to save any of us. You were praying to whatever was left of the Traveler's influence on Io to try and save you.”

There is a dangerous quake to the other woman's voice as her gold eyes sweep back to the Traveler’s chosen. “Do not put words in my mouth, Guardian. The Cabal will not stop with Earth. They will take everything. I want to stop Ghaul just as badly as you do.”

“Then go up to the Almighty and get him,” Kira challenges. Her nostrils flare and her chest heaves. Her eyes flash from Cayde, to Ikora, and even Zavala, who regards her warily. Her stance is firm, though there is only white noise and seething static in her brain, and the anger she's bottled up is thrashing about inside her like a bull in a china shop, demanding a way out. The Titan cannot help it, cannot deny the truth. She's furious with them. They - she, the common folk, the Guardians left behind - needed the Vanguard and the Vanguard wasn't there for them. “All of you.”

Ikora fidgets, prickly and uncomfortable. Zavala initially blinks in surprise at her vehement words. Clearly he had not expected to draw her ire as well. Then, as if accepting his fate, he leans forward, steeples his fingers to frame his lips, and rests his elbows on his knees as he thinks.

“Let’s not be hasty, kid,” Cayde calls out. His nonchalance suggests she’s asked them to take a casual stroll, not take a trip up to see the warmonger responsible for their imminent mortality and displacement. His words, however, contradict his tone. “There’s no way we’d stand a chance mano-a-mano with him doing… whatever he’s doing with our Light.”

“If it comes to it,” Zavala interjects, “We will.”

“You mean, after he kills me first.” His head whips over to her, incredulously. Her increasingly raspy voice is heavy in her anger. “What? It’s the truth. Light or not, I don’t fancy living through a second shove off the Almighty.”

“Yeah, yeah, we get it,” Cayde concludes. “You don’t want to go up there.”

“I'm not kidding,” Kira answers tersely. “When they caged the Traveler,” She offers a twisted smile, like the concept itself is something hysterical, “I had just made it out. Dismantled the shields on the Almighty, like I was told to do. I was…” Her eyes unfocus and then focus again on something not there, a fragment of a memory, “Standing,” She muses softer, “Right in front of him.” Her lips purse so they don’t tremble and her ears ring with white noise. “‘You’re not brave,’ he said. ‘You’ve merely forgotten the fear of death. Ah-allow me-’”

Ghost flutters helplessly next to her. “Kira,” He whispers, drawing her focus. “You don’t have to - You don’t owe them this,” He says, finally.

And maybe she doesn’t, she thinks distantly. But the moment she started speaking, the moment she started saying this, she lost the power to stop. The words have been bubbling up for a while now, and now that she’s started, they have to be let out. They have to.

“I realized there was no way Amanda was coming back for me,” She redirects, not looking at her audience. They're hanging on every increasingly alarming word. “He kicked us to the edge of the flight deck and I… I tried to save him,” She looks at her Ghost, “But I couldn’t reach him before he went over the edge-” Her eyes close and her voice wavers, hoarse from her outburst and from staving off tears. “I figured he’d kill me off up there, show me his might and call it a day,” She stares down Ikora, then Cayde, who looks down and away. “He made a big show of it, told me his name,” Zavala’s eyes are drilling holes into her, seeing through the cinnamon flecks of her irises, she swears it. “‘I am Ghaul,’ he said. ‘And your Light is mine.’ Then he… put his boot to my head and kicked me off the edge.” Her eyes widen ever so slightly. “I… remember the fall. And the impact.” From the corner of her eye, she notices Zavala’s eyes finally leave her face, reasonably ashamed. Her voice catches. “And seeing all of the people we couldn’t save. Things that-”

He reaches out a hand to grab her wrist. She jerks away. “Don’t,” She says, angered this time by his coddling. “Don’t touch me.”

“Sit down, then,” He tries instead. His voice is low, as if he’s speaking to a wounded animal. “You’re shaking.”

“Yes,” She agrees, viciously yelling, “Because while the three of you-” Her sharp inhale is a bit like a gasp, as if she’s woke up from a dream only to find out that the dream itself is real; That she’s been sleep walking. Panic rushes over her as if she’s been doused with a bucket of icy water. She should have just followed after Hawthorne, she thinks frantically. She never should have said this, she berates herself internally, she never should have- 

“Finish it,” Ikora snarls, and if the tone of her voice could kill, Kira's sure she'd be dead already.

“While the three of you-” Her eyelids flutter and Zavala slides down the bench just a little, clearly concerned that she’s going to keel over, pass out, “Were out there on your own, doing… whatever you thought was best, people were dying here.”

“I know that, Kira,” Zavala offers, carefully. “They do, too.”

She shakes her head, disagreeing, despite Zavala’s very steady gaze boring into her eyes, all but telling her ‘not now, not here,’ willing her to calm down, to stay quiet. Her voice is too gravelly, too raw to continue ranting, and her shaking is a constant, uncomfortable feeling that rattles outward from her chest. 

She can’t do this, she tells herself. She can’t look at them. Hawthorne had explained it to her as anxiety, when she’d noticed Kira’s behavior, nearly a month ago. Panic. It bubbles up in the cracks of her soul and tries to suffocate her. At the thought, she looks to her Ghost. Get me out of here, she thinks to him. 

He tips his shell sideways slightly as he regards her, then bobs. “C’mon,” He hums easily. “I think it’s about time we go.”

“I’ll say. I think it’s past the little lion’s bedtime,” Cayde jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

Her Ghost rounds on him fast enough to make Sundance spark into existence between her Guardian and the Titan’s provoked Ghost. Kira’s shoulders round for only a breath, long enough for the rest to see. “Leave it,” She says, softly, coughing at the rough tickle of her throat. It's only part of the price she'll pay for saying too much. She sags after a few more harsh breaths, more mentally exhausted than she's ever felt.

They turn from the campfire, and she hears the sound of metal armor moving from the bench. She shakes her head, not quite looking back over her shoulder. Her chest feels like it's shaking, pinpricks of anger and fear and feelings she can't truly process or comprehend. “Please,” She begs of him, feeling the tears well up. She knows he's disappointed, but she can't take anymore. It hurts and she's so angry. He falls still.  “Don't follow me.”

"Kira-"

"Please."

[equalityforher]

VIDEO: Issues of Power, Not Bathrooms

by Shay-Akil McLean

Issues of Power, Not Bathrooms

On February 22nd, 2017 Agent Orange’s administration revoked the transgender protection guidelines on Title IX in a “Dear Colleague” letter from the ironically named Department of Education (DoE) and Department of Justice (DoJ).  The letter stated that it would not be utilizing the interpretations of Title IX that the Obama administration had utilized.  Less than two weeks later the Supreme Court announced that it would not be hearing the case of teenager Gavin Grimm against Gloucester County School Board in Virginia.  The DoE and DoJ’s decision makes it possible for states and local school districts to deny the rights of transgender and non-binary gender students despite their resistance.  Without the DoE and/or the DoJ enforcing these guidelines, transgender and non-binary students lack another form of protection against discrimination.  This makes it more difficult for transgender and non-binary gender students to sue educational institutions for not allowing them to use the bathroom that matches their gender. They will have to battle it out in lower courts for the next few years.  Without federal protections, transgender and non-binary gender students are without sufficient support from the state to defend their rights to self-determination.  Such actions make room for states to negotiate the legitimacy of transgender and non-binary students’ knowledge about their own gender and bodies.  To defer decision making power to states and local school districts then allows room for states to continue segregating bathrooms by the sex criteria of genitalia.  For the DoE and the DoJ to not enforce the previous guidelines is to make space for negotiating the rights of trans and NBG people away.  That space was widened when the Supreme Court said that it would not be hearing Gavin’s case.  

[Read the two page “Dear Colleague Letter” issued by the DoE and DoJ on February 22nd, 2017]

Upon first glance this appears to be about the use of public ‘sex-segregated facilities’ but it’s about much more.  Sex segregated facilities are merely one site of an important struggle between the right of transgender and non-binary people’s power to navigate space as their respective gender versus state institutions’ aim to exercise power over trans and non-binary gender persons based on reducing them to a binary classification of genitalia.  As stated by historian Margot Canaday, “The state does not just direct policy at its subjects; various state arenas are themselves sites of contest over sex/gender norms” (2009:5).  Understanding this requires that we place this social problem into the context of the longer history of the state’s passage of regulatory measures that have directly and indirectly policed sex and gender non-conformity.

WHAT IS BEING NEGOTIATED?

It’s important for us to ask ourselves: what exactly is being negotiated here?  As argued by historian Robert W. Gordon, “The power exerted by a legal regime consists less in the force that it can bring to bear against violators of its rules, than its capacity to persuade that the world described in its image and categories is the only attainable world” (1984:109).  This is an issue of power and certain people are under the impression that the biological essentialist understandings of gender and sex in modern society are the only truths that they are willing to abide by.  So let’s return to the definition of sex.  Sex is a determination made through the application of socially agreed upon biological criteria for classifying persons as females or males.  The criteria for classification can be genitalia at birth or chromosomal typing before birth, and they do not necessarily agree with one another (West & Zimmerman, 1987:127, 133). But it’s important to recognize that placement in a sex category is achieved through socially required displays that proclaim one’s membership in a sex category.  Thus, one can claim membership in a sex category while lacking sex criteria. Gender is what West and Zimmerman define as the “activity of managing situated conduct in light of normative conceptions of attitudes and activities appropriate for one’s sex category” (1987:127).  Gender is constructed through our actions and through our actions/deeds we proclaim membership into a sex category.  Gender qualifies as a satisfactory rationale for entry into sex segregated facilities since a person can have membership in a sex category while lacking sex criteria.  Sex segregated facilities can be accessed by whoever fits the set of ‘managed situated conduct’ that is their gender.  Sex is then not reducible to genitalia.  What this means is that there is no ‘formal public process’ required since placement in a sex category is achieved through a person’s power to control their own behavior/actions and define themselves.  To claim that sex is ‘unambiguously biological sex’ excludes the rest of the definition of “sex” and presents a theory (idea) about the world that does not match human practice/action.  Which leads us to a better and more important question: Why do we (as a society) negotiate the existence of people who already exist?  Why do we entertain such notions as legitimate?

CONTESTED MEANING & THE CONSEQUENCES OF STATE ACTION

Denying the right of transgender and non-binary gender people to exist and use public restrooms & locker rooms is a regulatory maneuver of a legal regime aiming to persuade the world that they are not convinced of the validity that transgender people’s knowledge of their own bodies and egender.  This opens up the institutional grounds for states to supersede the rights of trans and non-binary peoples to define themselves and enforces biological essentialist classifications instead.  Such actions are part of America’s long history of “…the state’s identification of certain sexual behaviors, gender traits, and emotional ties as grounds for exclusion…” (Canaday 2009:4).  For the state to not enforce those guidelines is for them to claim that only those who live and procreate in accepted cisheteronormative manners will be provided with the institutional and systemic protection provided to citizens.  And what do such policy decisions do? They set precedence for what is and what is not acceptable behavior.   Such state actions then legitimate images of humanity that exclude transgender and non-binary gender persons contributing to this year’s growing list of murdered Black Transgender women like Alphonza Watson in Baltimore, Maryland, Keke Collier in Chicago, Illinois, JoJo Striker in Toledo, Ohio, and Chyna Gibson and in New Orleans.  It opens the grounds for transgender and non-binary people to not be allowed the same right to defend themselves like CeCe McDonald and Ky Peterson.  By not upholding the rights of transgender and non-binary students to utilize the public facilities that match their gender, the DoJ and the DoE is making room for the interpersonal, institutional, and systemic harassment, mistreatment, and violence against trans and non-binary peoples.  

We have failed community members because we have refused to collectively take the steps required to change the way we speak about people, the way we treat people, we backed down from holding one another accountable to the non-negotiability of the humanity of trans people.  And because of that failure, more Black transwoman have been murdered.  Not only does this have a detrimental impact on the lives of transgender, intersex, and non-binary children, but it destines them to a life of violence that state institutions are refusing to provide them protections against.  

What is then necessary for us at this present moment is what James Baldwin referred to as “non-cooperation”.  Do not follow procedures that deny someone’s humanity.  I encourage you to choose people over protocol and procedure.  To speak of systems and institutions then is to speak of coordinated collective human action driven by a particular set of logics and ideologies.  That means we have to interrogate how we've been made what Hannah Arendt calls "functionaries and mere cogs in the administrative machinery".  What we DO, what we ALLOW to be said and done around us; ALL of this plays into what we communicate as legitimate and acceptable human behavior.  Coordinated non-cooperation requires that we act in ways that uphold the non-negotiability of the humanity of transgender and non-binary peoples.  But to get there we have to listen to transgender and non-binary gender people.  Our everyday practice must speak to and act towards changing the very transphobic language and social structures (protocols, rules about behavior, etc.) that we've come accustomed to.

Listen, offer your time, your resources, offer up your networks, coin, your presence when needed to stand in solidarity with transgender and non-binary people against others and their institutions that wish to deny us the right to exist as who we are, who wish to enforce their will and interests on us and deny us the right to human agency and human decency. As long as you entertain the notion that everyone has a right to argue about this, you are maintaining the idea that the humanity of transgender and non-binary people is negotiable. This is not up for debate.  Keep in mind that we have children to protect.  Transwomen are women. Transmen are men. Trans and non-binary people exist, have been here, and will continue to be here.

References

Canady, Margot. 2009. The Straight State: Sexuality & Citizenship in Twentieth-Century America. New Jersey: Princeton University Press.

Robert W. Gordon, “Critical Legal Histories,” Stanford Law Review 36 (January 1984): 109.

West, Candace and Don H. Zimmerman. 1987. Doing Gender. Gender & Society (1)2: 125-151.

[flauntpage]

Wushu Watch: Dojo Storming for a Better Tomorrow

Style-versus-style remains one of the most attractive promises in combat sports. For some reason nothing is more interesting to the casual observer than fights that supposedly prove the superiority of one fighting style over another. Boxing versus MMA, karate versus kung fu, wrestling versus judo—you name it, someone has booked it and marketed it. Even in the modern UFC 'striker versus grappler' is still a compelling match up, despite training daily with top tier Brazilian Jiu Jitsu practitioners, Khabib Nurmagomedov can get people talking about 'sambo versus jiu jitsu', and of course fictional news about Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather makes the headlines in publications that should know better every couple of weeks.

The dojo storming is a proud and silly tradition in style-versus-style debates, not just true styles but even sub styles of the same martial arts. For every Gracie family or Kano Jiu Jitsu dojo storming where an important and overlooked principle of combat is proven, there are a hundred that are just stupid beyond words. For examples of sublimely ridiculous dojo wars one need only read about the life of Count Juan Raphael Dante. Count Dante (who predictably was not a Count or Spanish) had various run ins with the Chicago Cobra Kai, supposedly had a friend murdered in a dojo storming, and was caught strapping dynamite caps to a rival dojo in 1965. When he died of a bleeding ulcer at just 36-years-old, Dim Mak rumours started flying.

For an example of the kind of disgusting, pig-headed stupidity that can be involved in this almost tribal dojo storming stuff you need only look up the footage of the Bobby J. Blythe incident wherein a mentally retarded man was supposedly beaten to death. The 'supposedly' is because conflicting stories have been drummed up in the aftermath, but you can readily watch the man have his head stomped into the floor on camera and be dragged out leaving a trail of blood after already verbally yielding long before. Video of the incident is available all over the Internet but as a fair warning: it is revolting and watching it will ruin your day. It is hard to find information about the aftermath but it seems as though nothing ever came of the video evidence of what seems to be at the least grievous bodily harm or even attempted murder.

Xu Xiaodong vs. Wei Lei

Style versus style challenge matches are back in the news this week as a retired MMA fighter named Xu Xiaodong met a Taichi master named Wei Lei in Chengdu for the honour of Chinese martial arts. Wei Lei was apparently the hot thing in Taichi since appearing on a Chinese documentary demonstrating chi-based magic tricks such as using a force field of chi to prevent a bird from leaving his hand. In the kung fu canon of street magic—and it is a grand tradition with an interesting history—that was a new one for this writer. As magical feats go it was also kind of underwhelming.

Apparently the populace believed it though, and why wouldn't they? Fighting is hard to appreciate and magic is not. The legendary Mas Oyama built his reputation on magic tricks and feats he learned as a performing strong man more than his actual fighting ability. It is well worth reading Jon Bluming's account of his time with Oyama and the many methods of 'monkey business' that Oyama used. The footage of Mas Oyama wrestling a bull seems remarkable but there is something off about it that you just can't put your finger on. Then you realize that it is just an old, dying ox that they then hit in the horn with a hammer until it was hanging so that Oyama could karate chop it off. This explains why the 'bull' at no point fights back and just wants to be left alone, and the video becomes a lot sadder. But that one piece of theatre on film was evidence enough that you will now regularly hear the story of how Oyama fought and killed almost thirty bulls with his bare hands in his lifetime.

Xu Xiaodong was apparently largely self-taught which is believable because mixed martial arts is still in its infancy in China. And doubly believable when you see that even against Wei Lei, who clearly has no clue how to carry himself, he runs straight past the Taichi master as the latter pivots off line by accidental instinct.

However, Xiaodong followed up with his running, lunging strikes and easily put Wei Lei down, following up with strikes on the ground for an easy knockout to a stunned silence from the crowd. The impetus for the fight was Xiaodong calling Chinese martial arts outdated and fake, and the results certainly helped his case. Now he is public enemy number one to the Chinese martial arts community and is attempting to hustle together money fights with professional boxers and the bodyguards of millionaires. One Chinese soft drink magnate has just offered a two million dollar bounty to any kung fu stylist who can beat Xiaodong, missing the point entirely by treating Xiaodong himself as the problem. Xiadong is not the problem and in fact he is completely unremarkable as a fighter. Beating him does not restore the honour of Chinese martial arts to anyone with an ounce of common sense. Xiaodong's victory over Wei Lei should instead be seen as a symptom of a focus on mysticism and a fear of actual feedback within the Chinese martial arts world.

Aliveness

Xu Xiaodong wasn't born a better fighter than Wei Lei or any other Chinese martial arts master. He became a better fighter by fighting, and that is the part that so many traditional martial arts purists struggle to deal with. A blacksmith learns to make horseshoes by making a thousand rubbish horseshoes. An artist learns to draw by trying his best a thousand times and producing nothing but fractionally improving garbage. Why would fighting be any different? You don't have to take professional fights to get better at fighting, but you do have to struggle against the will of other people regularly. This so called 'aliveness' in training is what makes people better and prepares people for the worst. But Wei Lei had a set idea of what he was going to do coming in and so did the famous kiai-jutsu master who was easily drubbed in a challenge match a few years back:

I don't know much about Xu Xiaodong or the fighter from the above clip, but I can guarantee you that they spent their first grappling session being smashed, their first boxing session unable to touch their opponent, and their first kickboxing session getting kicked in the leg whenever they had just missed a kick of their own. That is the real value of 'aliveness' in training, it prepares you for the absolute worst and builds you from the ground up. Dominick Cruz goes into a fight looking to stay off the fence, but he knows what to do if and when he gets there. A kiai master finds out that he cannot paralyze his opponent with his shout in the opening seconds and then what is there? When the opening gambit fails for a man who has been repeatedly promised that his non-fighting training will making him unbeatable in a fight, it undermines ten to twenty years of belief he has placed in magic. What would be a minor setback becomes an all-out crisis of faith. But when something goes wrong for someone who trains with people better than him, day in and day out, it is just a mild inconvenience that necessitates a quick tactical adjustment. In the aftermath of the Wei Lei – Xu Xiaodong 'superfight', Lei is apparently claiming that he held back his true internal strength for fear of killing Xiaodong. We can only hope that this is an embarrassing attempt to save face and not something that Wei Lei actually tells himself to rationalize his inability to fight.

But that is the real shame about challenge matches like these, and the reason it can be hard to get joy out of them. Real charlatans don't agree to challenge matches publicly and invite the press along. Men claiming to have the death touch or the 'answer' to MMA are a dime a dozen, but you won't see many backed into the corner of actually proving it. When a no touch knockout master fails to make someone fall down in a careful demonstration, there are zero repercussions with the believers—maybe he had a bad lunch or something. But the fact that Wei Lei and the kiaijutsu master actually drummed up the interest, set the date and turned up to prove their art suggests that they aren't knowingly running a scam and stealing people's money for techniques that don't work. It means that they themselves actually believe in what someone else sold them. When you look at it like that it is hard not to feel bad for these men.

Dojo Storming for the Better

Style-versus-style fights have served their purpose. While James Toney versus Randy Couture in the UFC and Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather in a boxing ring will tell the experienced fan or practitioner nothing at all about their 'styles', there have been style-versus-style fights that change the way we practice martial arts. When Jigoro Kano was advocating a style of jiu jitsu which abandoned more dangerous techniques in order to allow more free sparring or ' randori', he and his students were able to prove not the superiority of Kano's 'style', but the superiority of his practice methods and philosophy. When the Gracie's were storming dojos and winning vale tudo tournaments the lesson learned was not really that 'Gracie Jiu Jitsu' is the best martial art, but that ground fighting is an enormously important and undervalued element of fighting generally.

Wushu Watch: Dojo Storming for a Better TomorrowOn the other hand, however, it is a good thing that these campaigns were not entirely successful. There were plenty of taekwondo or karate practitioners who saw the Gracies In Action tapes and quit their art thinking it was useless in a real fight because at the time it seemed to be the truth. In the modern era techniques and principles from karate, taekwondo, and a dozen other arts are changing fights at the highest levels of MMA. The absorbing of ideas and testing them is what makes a martial artist, not whose flag or gi patch he's sporting. Certainly there is value in examining the old if only for the inspiration it provides. Studying classical forms and texts is an excellent past time for the bored or injured martial artist. The old Chinese text The Bubishi contains some remarkably solid ideas about fighting and self-defence, but also contains a heap of disproven nonsense about the death touch, chi meridians, and alchemy. Who knows, maybe one day chi will be proven to exist and effectively weaponized—but no one is going to do it without testing it day in and day out against resisting, competent sparring partners. Whether someone believes in chi balls or not is relatively unimportant: the fact that there are apparently still hordes of angry Chinese martial artists who believe they can fight without meeting an ounce of resistance or adversity in the gym is extremely disappointing.

Wushu Watch: Dojo Storming for a Better Tomorrow published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv